Tuesdays with Stories! - #457 Off the Saus'

Episode Date: June 21, 2022

Joe has a beautiful experience while avoiding the kooks of San Francisco, and makes an unexpected announcement about his future in professional baseball! Meanwhile, Mark sees a real life road rage-fueled fist fight with a WWE-level chokeslam! The gays are getting a workout this week folks! Sponsors: - Support the show and get 20% Off with the code TUESDAYS at https://Lucy.co - Support the show and receive your first month FREE at BlueChew.com, with promo code: TUESDAYS - Head to https://policygenius.com/TUESDAYS to get your free life insurance quote and see how much you could save. - Support the show and receive 20% off plus free shipping at https://Manscaped.com when you use code TUESDAYS Subscribe to our Patreon for the ad-free version of the show, weekly bonus episodes, and more! patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here for full video of every episode: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing my radio is spitting at me I can't just here we are folks we're back it's summertime in New York and I am sweating already it's the thing you you want it you long for it you yearn for

it you pine for it yeah that's all I have yeah yeah long you said long how we yearn the crave oh desire you want it you want it bad and then it comes and little steamy I know I don't want it give me the spring give me the fall give me the autumn whatever that is but I don't want the summer I hate the heat I love the summer Indian Hummer and summer and I hate the heat I love the heat I went for a run today I like the black top and I want to just sweat I like to sweat it out for the white top to me it's all about sky I'm a sky I vodka I'm all sky all the time I'm skysexual and bisexual Skywalker it's blue forget about

it I love blue is good blue is good and the sky is always blue isn't that weird to think about the storms come in and we think the sky is black the sky is gray but the sky is blue those are clouds yeah and all the leaves are brown and the sky is gray hey do you ever here's a great analogy because that's an analogy for life our minds you know the contents of our mind is just the the what do you call it the soil the the soil of our mind is the blue sky and the thoughts of the clouds of the canvas yes but I heard a great analogy for life okay you ready for this one after you and I'm excited you're gonna squirt I love it you're

gonna just shoot jizz yes finger be hard so think of an analogy like this all of the time in your life think of it as like a rope going through your hands right you got a there's a rope between your hands like this and it's just pulling through yeah if you hold it tight you're gonna get all ripped up you try to hold on to it it's just ripping against the hands but if you hold it nice and loose it kind of feels nice I love it I love it a little callous but feels kind of nice but that's you got to build the callous you got to have a little pain just to be strong enough to get through the rest of the rope pull but if you

hold tight ripping those hands up but what does that mean how you can't hold tight because it's slipping anyway well people hold tight but what do you what does that mean like try to hang on to your youth people try to hold tight they're like I don't want to get old I don't want to hurt my back I don't want to do this thing I got I got a show tonight I should I do the show should I not do the show you're holding too tight I got my top gun the first one that's good look at the second one we never talked about it I thought I thought it was fun there was a lot of cheese on it there's a lot of tropey there's a ton of trope

tropey cheese oh the the guy in the the Academy is a dick the handsome guy you butt heads with him whoa he's super cocky they've never seen that before for no reason by the way they're really shitty to Maverick's been in the military for like 30 years yeah all respect they're just like get out of here you fucking homo you piece of shit you're old by the way it looks amazing I'd blow them secondly the the nerdy guy the peg leg Simon whatever his name he's got glasses they're like we're all mean to him he has glasses right that was so he's the nerd he's the dork get out of here yeah there's little like a little girl in

there doing all the push-ups and whatever we did a whole episode on Joe and Ronan if anyone wants to see nobody watches it check it out they hate Ronan they hate me also very vague villain by the way you gotta go there you gotta go cuz you gotta sell that puppy overseas yeah and if you put in Russia they'll nuke us they're like they're trying to bomb us with jet plane by the way it's like a space movie at the beginning uh what it feels very spacey he's a Kevin spacey he's in the stealth plane rocket ship he's wearing a helmet oh and then he crashes they steal the scene from kill bill it's just a scene from kill bill

by the way when he walks in the diner and he's like can I get a water that's right that's directly in kill bill and then the whole plot is Star Wars they're like we gotta swing down into this valley and come up and shoot this one bomb it'll blow everything up it's so true it's the plot of Star Wars a little kid will in there you got to hit the clip and the dad is dead and the young guy has to train with Obi-Wan you're right yeah how do you like that but you know I'm a piece I mean Kelly McGinnis played the emperor we put in a we did a podcast of Ronan and I and people have turned they like Ronan more than me if

you can believe it tough to believe for a he but I'm exaggerating anything's possible I mean what's her face one what's that lady what's her name half black Derek cheater half Indian lady Rashida Jones no the sprite vice president oh Camel Harris yes Camel back Camela Camela Camela yeah that guy we got bad news coming from the left I mean what happened president vice president nobody likes either one of them oh yeah that's a bad situation bad ratings he's got he's got horrible rating what do you call that approval maybe we should step up we'll be the P in the VP I'll be P RV put in the V VP this great bit and

election the movie election great movie one of the great great films of all time Alexander Payne where the vice president it's like a retarded kid in a wheelchair and he's running on the post he's like I will stand up for you even if I can't stand up it's like a hilarious layer bit the vice president is just like a handicap kid hell of a movie fucks the dog he fucks the student he's like she gets so wet I think about that twice a week well it's so great because it's just sort of a straightforward high school movie for about seven minutes I gotta tell you

one other thing cut stamina he goes her pussy gets so good great film nobody talking it's like a quirky dark comedy and it's so good well I think it came out the same year as American Beauty which like one all the Oscars an election is 500,000 times better much better so much better but you see that gals jugs in the beauty oh yeah the jugs yeah and the rose petal that movie we just had every every hack symbolism with the bag the bag I love that movie too I was like I'm gonna go to film school I'll make the next American Beauty then the Vietnam Fed who's gay stinks so bad I just got back in a house of cards though and

that's fun oh really never never saw it I tried I tried anything political I bores me these old people with the pin of an American flag I like a pizza oh I love political give or watch I'd a March that's fun I'd some Ryan Gosling and Philip Seymour Hoffman what's an I don't know what else an I'd yeah you got a dot your eye oh I'd I don't know I I'd uh Mount Ida yeah come on I'd a lean now now you know what come on I leans about jizzin jizzin no yeah it's about a groupie it's about a about them all gang banging yeah come on I mean it's literal wow come on I lean we got to meet I lead well she's covered in jizz I

think she's stuck to the wall apparently she's all sticked up wait but give me your analogy on life cuz you said you had thank you there fat I totally forgot so somebody else said I heard this recently the brain is like soil and you're the farmer and you get two seeds you got a seed of success happiness whatever and you got a seed of treachery pain sadness you can choose to plant on both and if you plant both they will both grow right you'd only plant one ah something like that similar to your plant corn you get corn there you go bad band very bad yeah but it's basically just like hey your thoughts you

become your thoughts of course so you if you're thinking about bad shit I mean look at all the comedians who you know when you're a new comic and you go I don't know how funny that guy is or how smart that guy is or how ugly that guy is but he's making it oh yes you can just cuz they're think they're gonna make it right right unless they're crazy I remember when I first met Louie we were in the plane and I said Mark Dorman Michelle Wolf those guys are like runaway success trains he's like oh I love comics like that what yeah wow those guys look out for those guys and he's like oh I love that really well he likes

wolf yeah he changes his mind from time to time yeah yeah he's a flip flopper loves you big fan all right he was very nice last time I saw there you go got a movie coming out apparently sure does July 1st Village East you get your tickets right now in Jellica Village East right now go get them there you go oh wow is that the one on Houston no that's the Angelica there's two Angelica Angelica bought this one Village East you know it's on 2nd Avenue you're going down there big oh that's a great big apple pie it's on like 12th I think I just realized there's Angelica on Houston and then there's Angelica Houston whoa

how about that wow that's pretty good something there put that your pipe and jizz on Eileen I think that she she was fucking Nicholson for a while yeah and something about her I wouldn't say she's a traditional beauty but she's got something she's got someone she's got talent that helps but she's got a look talent is hot it looks like a hot witch we heard a door slam I know well I got here today he was playing music so it's like maybe we could use that if we have a legal suit I like it we could be like well what do you think you weren't playing music right like what it's like when your girlfriend shits on the floor

and you go I'm gonna use that later next time she gets mad at me for eating ice cream at two in the morning I'm gonna bring up that old dookie on the carpet hey folks when you've had a long day and you want to unwind like a grown up grab your favorite Lucy gum or nicotine pouch look we all know how hard smoking is to quit there's goddamn books on it but hey why don't you quit by weaning not whining but weaning get a little nicotine gum get a lozenge get a pouch put that puppy right in your soup cooler and kick that cancer stick if you've been looking for an alternative to smoking why not switch to nicotine

products that can you can feel good about if you enjoy using nicotine you need to check out Lucy's products at Lucy dot co that's Lucy dot co and use promo code Tuesdays at checkout if you're a listener from oh Canada you can now get Lucy at ca dot Lucy dot co also I got to read this disclaimer you know those legal queues this product contains nicotine nicotine is an addictive chemical remember if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine visit Lucy dot co and be sure to use promo code Tuesdays at checkout temperatures aren't the only thing that's rising this summer that's right this episode is sponsored by blue chew

blue chew the tablets that offer the same active ingredients as Viagra and Seattle's but in a chewable form if you don't like swallowing pills this is for you there's no doctor's office or waiting in line and talk to a licensed medical provider and get a prescription all online and it works fast so you can be ready whenever the opportunity arises I've done it we've all done it you can't deny the BC blue chew baby it works it works quick it works every time and I like chewing it it tastes good it's actually kind of sweet and tastes like a candy is it when you're a kid but that worries me because I want to eat nine of

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but I was worried this guy was going to hear because you know we're always talking about rape and anal and jizz and then I'm even being like well my dad you know his mustache has been thinning or whatever right it has been thinning and it smells like boo I noticed but uh wow so you what you get here at 4am I got here uh well I got I went to Chipotle brought a burrito back here ate a burrito I feel like Kramer when Seinfeld when Jerry was gone I ate a burrito over there curtain up you did a set I did a session I put this chair together and then took it apart again that's fun it's been a nice nice time I worked out at equinox I steamed I feel like a million bucks oh it's the best feeling I now this is going to sound horrible and and don't judge me here folks but uh so the lady you know she works from home remotely yeah I had to exactly I had to get a I had to get used to that because I was a big home guy you know you know you're a comedian you wake up at noon you rub what out you go to the gym you do some writing you watch TV whatever it is now I had to a custom mate a custom mate a customized no acclimate acclimate so I had to acclimate to her being around what she's it's nice to have around she's got big can she's a nice lady but you also have to be around somebody sure not to mention that carpet shitting so that that's a problem but I didn't realize she's gone they they're making a go back in for two or three days a week now slowly weaning back and I had the place myself I woke up I was like home alone I jumped on the bed I ordered a pizza I shot at Joe Pesci it was great

wow that's a good feeling because you love your lady sure but sometimes it's nice to be alone I go on the road it's not you're choosing the meals you're choosing the time you're choosing the program yep I go I go watch hockey I go watch hoop I can and then the masturbating forget about I got my toe in my I got my big toe crammed up my ass right up the I'm still on the pinkie toe but I'll work my way up but yeah I'm nail nail the coffin so she's she's gone and but you know we do all our are recharging on the road like you go I'll watch this I'll watch this hockey game but I still got a right so you can get both in whereas with her I'd be like alright I'll write on the roof and I'll skip the hockey game and go to lunch with her you know but now you get both and I got so much done I went and worked out I went and did like ransom errands I picked up a package I wrote some jokes I feel like I've had a harder career with her at home well absence makes the heart grow fonder I guess but you don't get as much work done yes it's tough well you know you gotta you gotta bad life is all very balancing yes balance you got this thing you gotta go visit those people and the parents the other friend the whole thing right exactly so I'm just saying it's those days where she's going into the office I'm gonna put those right on the big Cal and really soak them in yeah well I haven't seen my wife since the 60s I was on the road I was in San Francisco I was in London for 11 days and I've been back I went to San Francisco for three days Vancouver for one day Gig Harbor for one day home for one day and Baltimore for three days jeez you're pushing it Fanny and then I'm going to Atlanta for two days and then Maine for a week Sands Sarah she has her own gig so it's a lot of separate time which I think it's good for a relationship

I think it's great for a relationship and I think it's healthy and we have it built in to our think about let's say you're married for 50 years God willing she'll die soon but you're married for a while think about all the minutes you're with your lady versus some Tom Dick and Harry who you know has a normal gig and they both work from home right and they're there every weekend yeah it's weird because you have a tank like they fill their tank the tank starts spilling everywhere tanks an attra exactly so that tank fills up a little quicker for comedians I think yeah it is weird though with life I mean you don't want to hold on to the rope but you're like well one less day in my life left that's weird right true I heard Bobby Kelly once say goes I got about 40 summers left I was like when you put it like that yeah I was just talking to my pen not to get depressing but I'm talking to Derek and they bought a new car and he's like yeah it's like you know to get too stressed you're only buying like 2-3 more cars the rest of your life have you used your car right you know what I mean I mean how many cars are you buying

yeah yeah just when you put it when you when you measure a lifespan in a car length it's scary what about a house Louis built the house upstate somewhere very high up miles away and he's like yeah I got about good 20 20 good years in this house and then you're like oh oh my god yeah and then what's even scarier it's big enough the rope yanking is I think back to like oh I was in this I was in London with Joe that's just gone that's gone doesn't exist no more and then you forget about it like five years later you go oh yeah London they try to remember part of it we actually remembering or a memory right so now it's a copy of a copy and a paste of a paste it's brutal while the future and past don't exist they're just figments of our imagination but it's also weird I always think about this I tell people this all the time like we're having this conversation we will never we want to remember this this is a moment in our lives is the only thing happening in our lives right now yep and then like a week from now be like what did we talk about last week I know and is that the key to life or or should we save her but then that's hold the rope like like I'll go out with Chrysler nobody lives more than Chrysler I mean he won't live long but he's on a bus he's in a baseball stadium telling jokes then he's overseas and he's playing with his kids and he's in his pool swimming

then he's drinking then he's on another bus and he's on a private jet and he never takes a second to to look in the rearview mirror he's never recouping what do you call it a reconcile no reflecting reflecting he never reflects he's all forward forward forward what's next what's next and I'm like is that the way to do it because you have all these great memories more than most 99.9% of the population you're living way more than them you're more exciting your life is better but if you're not catching any of it and it just goes by is it still good well it's it's it's how you are in the moments if are you present I mean a lot of times I don't know where that well but a lot of times he's filming himself and talking to a camera so I don't know how much he's taking it in he's on a mountaintop but he's got a selfie stick yeah I mean he's taking it in as much as you can he's like this is a good pizza we're playing frisbee golf I made it you know he's living yeah so it's how you are in those moments is all you can do right you don't do things you have the memories you do think so you enjoy them in that time I guess that's true it was it's hard because sometimes you what you think is living like in my 20s that was a big part of my struggles was I was like that this is live we got to stay up all night stay up all night stay until the sun comes up we'll drink all night like Sinatra like fucking like a Tom Waits song and then I look back and I'm like I was like blacked out and like retired I don't even know what the fuck I was doing

now I go home early and I'm like now I'm content and happy I'm mindful I'm enjoying myself yes here here I'm really now I feel like I'm really living my idea of living when I was 25 was not the idea of not living now yeah you were just you weren't even there so it's not really a you weren't even alive you weren't even conscious I have a distinct memory of me I think I was five six I had a shitty little bed in the do for Baldwin House of New Orleans on Esplain Avenue and I remember sitting in my bed going I'm five years old this will never happen again I'm taking this all in this will be a memory and it's gone I mean that's 33 years ago right and I still remember it now it's all just appearances and consciousness but my niece just turned 10 and she I was like you're gonna be done this before she I was like you're gonna be double digits this big birthday it's exciting she's like I don't want to be 10 yeah she's already afraid of aging she's like is any 10 then you get old when you're old you suck I wonder if that's new because when I was younger I was like I cannot wait to get a get a clip in my ass and a drink and a car well it's all learned behavior she's probably looking at her parents are probably at some point being like God I'm old I don't want to get old so she's like I don't want to get old either they don't want to get old I don't want to get old your parents were probably you know toasting and fucking they were toasting and fucking me but yeah I mean these young kids she's gonna have Botox by 11 I feel like we're bumming out Brian here Brian right yeah I feel like it just it's like yeah he's just staring at his shoes to contemplate his life

well this is I think it's kind of philosophical and fun but we'll keep talking about fucking kids but also the other thing is everything you're a suey it's like you gotta live in the moment but you also have to live under the assumption that you will live at least 70 years of course you want this idea of like live in the moment but it's like but most likely you aren't going to die tomorrow so you want to the decisions we make today affect who we are 10 years from now and 20 years from now I know but we have a friend and we don't want to get too uh too obvious here but he's very successful he's doing great right now he's killing it we don't I don't think he's happy about it and he's always worried about but this isn't working and that is where he can absorb the part that is where which I have problem with that too but seeing him like that makes me go oh I gotta stop being like that yeah different different uh you know different strokes for different folks but yeah no I uh sometimes those people help me because I'm like well I'm not doing as well with numbers but I feel like I'm enjoying it yeah you're living more you're at a you're at Asbury Park watching a concert and living yeah I'm having a nice time so and managing to work a ton also so it's all good and fun it's all pipes and speaking to work let's let's shift into this sorry a shift oh do we have time are you timing this at all you have any idea how long we've been going this could be a mess okay hey I'm Jay well done all right so that means we started at 410 okay that in mind but we mark as a train to catch yeah I'm going to Poughkeepsie which I love saying because it sounds like something bugs Bunny would say I gotta get a train to Poughkeepsie

yeah it's fun he would say Albuquerque but this is the east coast yeah whatever um but I was on the west coast oh the ivory coast what a coast the best coast some people say coast with the most yeah it's pretty cool out there and I went out to San Francisco now most times I'm traveling to the western United States if I go to Seattle I go early to see the fam there the little rug rats and if I go to LA you see in France you're doing spots there's not a lot of markets where you're like doing a full week I guess there's like Sacramento San Fran whatever yeah I'm not accustomed so I flew out there and you're on east coast time I do the Thursday show great which is the best show the whole week it was packed fun and then or maybe my favorite show but maybe Saturday doesn't matter they say the fans come out there but everybody's got their different theory and then Friday we're doing a 739 45 the show starts late for whatever reason starts at like 1030 I'm going on stage 11 it's 2am my time I'm all whacked out I'm like you know me I go to bed and I wake up at fucking 6am like a farmer yeah so we are farmers farmers only so I was just all cuckoo and cracky and you start to get cranky like can we start the fucking show here for God's sake I don't get it either they say well short staff we gotta give the waiter a chance to catch up I don't know what that is

well whatever maybe people showed up late I don't know traffic the whole thing but San Francisco I was like I was nervous because you know me and the cucks the cucks they got it out for me it's crazy and everything you every time you turn on the TV they like San Francisco is crazy it's wild they just kicked out the DA it's all wacky dick and ass so I went out there and I check into the hotel beautiful hotel the Pali or Pali hotel wanna cracker I show up and the guy hands me a map one of those like local maps and it's got a sharpie he's circled tenderloin with an X through it and he's like hold on to that my friend and I'm like and I'm like a block away and he's like you can go east you can go north you can go south you just can't go west or southwest and it's like it's so intimidating to show up in a town like that

of course of course and after all the shit you've heard you're like it's true the people in the city are telling me this it's crazy but then the it was okay you know I walked around I gotta get my steps in the whole thing so I walked around and there's cucks everywhere but you know you actually you feel more sad and scared with you the ones in the village I feel like you're like like crazy and aggressive these were like the old like just kinda strung out standing like a question mark and you're just like oh Jesus Christ that's the heroin talking I think we got a lot of drunks out here I think meth too I think meth is big that's a big thing you do the meth but it was beautiful and I bumped into Shang Wang so I met up with Shang

it was great to see Shang he just shot a little Netflix thing keep an eye out for that love the Wang I hadn't even recognized him the hair past his shoulder I hadn't seen him in years oh yeah he's all in great guy love the shanger and then Joey Avery came by he drove me home he had a broken ankle drove me home with a broken ankle kids falling apart

sweet kid good kid and then my pal Dave Yates you know Dave Yates no Yates Yoria lives in LA no Yates great guy he came down we had a dinner which was nice we walked around North Beach which is little Italy oh that's a beautiful area fantastic and then I went down Saturday I went down to the Golden Gate beach there whatever that beach is it's called I don't know Billy's or Silly's or Sis goes whatever

I went for a long run along the beach under the Golden Gate Bridge where the bay meets the ocean the fog coming in spectacular now wait are you ubering to the gate bridge beach or do you walk there then run uber to the Palace of Arts I think that huge monument it's a massive big art piece walked around under there and prayed and jerked off whatever meditated gotta do five times a day then from there I went for a run and then down by the marina is this beautiful air

I mean it is spectacular because they've contained the nonsense and the rest of the city is just unbelievable that's how they get I feel like New York has a lot of that although we're a little shiftier because it's like hey there was a slashing on 42nd you're like 42nd I go there all the time no New York is worse than San Francisco we just don't have the one neighborhood right like if you just took out Tenderloin their city would be better I think yeah we're peppered way worse nobody's safe you want salt

right but man it was spiritual there's that old Fort Point Fort it's an old Civil War horse shit and big brick fucking thing and you can go on the top and it's just beautiful I need the ocean it heals yeah it's beautiful out there in those sea lions that's exciting Alcatraz and Al Capone was in Alcatraz how about that I'm an alcoholic

I think Al Capone is also producing our podcast today you got Syphilis or what but yeah it was just spectacular I don't have a story I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about but it was just awesome and I loved it something about that city it's got a magic to it the old buildings the weird cookie streets the trolley the hills the sea lions as I said I love that it's a tiki bar right on that pier by where the sea lions are highly recommend I can't think of the name of it but it's just such a great town

you just want to walk the whole thing I was walking everywhere I got 15,000 steps every day and the shows were just rocking the Tuesdays are out in full force we sold out every show it was fantastic oh that's a good feeling and that's a cute that room is so perfect it's so conducive for yucks great room had never been there and it's like a rich history and the shows were just awesome I loved it I loved San Fran it was so much fun so then I got I fit it club quarters

no Pali oh sorry sorry yeah I think you've upgraded I think the club quarters somebody burned down or somebody was staying there something happened there but it was nice and then I went out to Sausalito with my friends from the baseball show check out pioneerbaseballleague.com every Wednesday night from 9 to midnight East Coast time that's right I got the time wrong last time it's great stuff we got Tom Breneman legendary and myself I had great guest Pete Rose I think Charles Barkley Kirby Puckett's gonna be on it's very exciting

Prince and Kirby Puckett so check that out but they picked me up the guy that runs it Mike Shapiro his son Jackson great guys he's like well we'll take you out to lunch because they live out there so he picked me up in a convertible it was like 80 degrees sunny unseasonably warm I love it and we went over a convertible it was like full house we drove over the Golden Gate Bridge a convertible everywhere you look I mean it was great I felt like I was taking videos photos we went under the bridge to Sausalito

have you been to sauce no sauce I'm off the sauce you gotta get to Sausalito next time you go get over that bridge go underneath Sausalito it's like it's like a millionaire paradise over there with the cafes we ate in the water I ate some fish and chips shoved it right in my ass oh this is great see you were nervous about the meet-up but it worked out it was a great meet-up don't tell him I was nervous

we were nervous we're nervous guys but great all-american family how about this you're gonna shit you're gonna take your pants off take a shit give me a diaper I mean this is this is up there with McCartney uh oh the McCartney story okay okay

I mean this is this is up there with the hanging with McCartney meeting Springsteen having a movie wait a minute I'm not prepared for is this a celeb sighting you're gonna take your pants off wrap around your head and kiss this guy on the grits break it on put on some lipstick and binocca baby because I'm planting a fat one right on your kisser I didn't I don't even think you're ready I'm not ready so I'm going out to Montana whitefish Montana they got a baseball

you're saying friend no I'm going ah future future the future is now so they got a baseball team out there in whitefish called the clams or the dry jizz I don't know they're minor league teams are weird the city is called whitefish whitefish is the city

all right you know about whitefish the Jews all right I think it's a town okay more than a but they got a ballpark and they're the whitefish you know come drinkers or whatever

yeah so they got a team out there I work for the league I'm employed by the pioneer baseball league you got that right until they hear this nervous I'm going out there fourth of July it's Glacier National Park they built this ballpark right in the Glacier

you got to get out there if you come out to the game July 5th and 6th they're embedding me on the team wow embed I'm going to play I'm playing professional baseball why

I got a uniform I might get in that bat I'm going to be in the dugout Jerry are you kidding me I'm not kidding what I'm a ball player I'm going to pat your ass

you're going to chew tobacco you're going to spit you're going to do this with the dirt you're going to kick it on a guy's foot I want to get into it with an umpire like blue that's the worst call turn around like Earl Weaver and blow them or whatever

I want them to win me yes oh my god what about this shit oh are you kidding I'll do all that all day I love that

I love that shit that's the vogue I believe oh sorry but I'm going to be in uniform in the dugout and they're like would you take it at bat I'm like

were you kidding me I'm going to get a base hit a knock we got to do a montage we'll get you in some batting cages we'll throw the ball around we'll get you out in the central park and you know

pitch a few I think they don't know though they don't know they don't know me man I'm showing up there I want to get a double I fuck this guy I want to get a nice

base hit off this son of a bitch yes get out ready I'm coming to play I mean I was an all star and I still play a bit so I'm ready I'm going to hit the cages

but I'm going to be in uniform how about this June 30th our movie premieres a movie that I'm starring in premieres at the beacon less than a week later I'm playing professional baseball

why you live in every dream you're like an 11 year old you it's crazy I'm just going to be coming all over that uniform if you fuck Kathy Ireland that's a trifecta I mean forget about it

so get your tickets to the Whitefish Hawkinghens I don't know what the name of the team is the hawk of the hens but come on out I'll be there I might I might pitch I want to do every

I want to be the umpire I'll play third base coach I want to be the left fielder so wait are you playing in a game or are you just kind of going out there and and

fuck it around I'm signing a one day contract which makes me a professional baseball I think I'm going to be in the dugout in uniform and I think we're going to try to get me in that bad hopefully it's a blowout

oh my god demazio griffy list come on but during the day I'm going to take BP I'm going to be shagging fly balls I'm going to be shagging my father

I can't wait you got to love sports this is very exciting let's play two I'm just thrilled I love that all your baseball references are from Seinfeld I just

I can't wait I'm busting Jerry I want to throw you a bag of nuts it's got to be crazy and I got my niece and nephew you're going to come I'm going to try to get them to run the bases and shit

oh and Sarah will be there on her phone it's going to be awesome you got that right well I can't wait to see in that dugout

I can't wait to see that snug pant to run your package and your ass you're going to have a cleat I'm going to cleat spikes Jerry they're called spikes

oh spike jokes spike Jones oh boy look at that form oh it's going to be something I'm going to do a Julio Franco I'm going to do a Mickey

Teddleton I might do you know Elton John Johnny David big poppy maybe a little what's his name

Aron as herpes oh that's right maybe I'll call him say hey I got herpes into that bag here give me some advice got a lot in common

we both like J-Lo once maybe alright here's the weird thing though it's like a young it's a development league so they're all like 20-21

okay don't you feel do you feel the way I feel I feel youthful I feel like a child sure I think because no college no job

where we're retards we say jizz all the time yeah to them the players they're going to be like there's an old man in here you got that right

it's like the ball boy episode you're going to have to come in and show them what's what but you're going to out show them I might show I mean I think I can get a base hit off this fucking yanker

I think so yanker yanker yanker is a little out of the question that's a long fence back there but I think you definitely get a line drive

I'm going to try to get a base hit I mean who he's going to blow his cheese right by me but there's also this thing I'm a baseball purist I know the game I love the game and all I can think is

if this guy had any you know if he was worth his jizz and assholes hit plunk me plunk hit ya give me the old bow tie if I'm playing in a baseball league

in some 40 year old comedian steps to the plate I'm drilling them between the numbers no I think you want to strike them out you go this is an easy out we got old lanky bad teeth here this guy's a goner

you don't want to plunk that's that's mean you don't want to hurt the old man but and baseball you're like who's this guy in our territory I wouldn't respect him if he didn't hit me

but if he hits me I'm going to I'm going to I'll shatter you've got to charge the bow I would maybe but he might give me a little shit music but I don't think he's going to have plunk I mean I haven't had a glass of milk

since 85 that's true these bones will implode that's a lot of green tea but we'll see hopefully he gives me the nice throws me a little salad so I can get a base hit

and point to my nephew and fuck him but nothing worse than that curvy you know that well more schizophrenic than my my ex well there's an old saying nothing's kept more

talented baseball players out of the league than the curveball oh you can't hit it you can't it's like amber herd it's all over the road well I think that people take

they take it for granted that these guys are hitting curveballs like there's a lot of guys that hit 500 in high school they're superstars then they get to the next level and people are just throwing these firecracker curveballs out

sure and they go you know forget it fuck my wife in the ass till she comes yeah I did I did a little league for about a month and a half and I pitched

and there was one guy on the team who could do the it looked like a drunk driver that thing it would just swerve at the end and go in a ditch

but it would go right down the pipe right down the middle and I was like how did you do that he he was a little squirrely kid with one eye he was from the wrong side of the tracks he'd spit on it

it was wild I remember one of my favorite jokes ever was on Bugs Bunny we reference Bugs Bunny Bugs Bunny is catching and the guy throws a pitch and his arm extended out

in front of the bat and he caught it before he got to him Drake this classic he went whoop and caught it and pulled it back and then the guy

oh it was great I mean one of the great this might have made me laugh more than seven other things in life but the naked gun when he's the umpire

and oh my god I would do that every day at summer camp and everybody would go alright we got it you're 12 miles off the base it's the best

when he does the spin fucking thing that's amazing and the funniest part oh yeah so good the best part is the first time he recognizes the applause

yes yes exactly they like it they like it so he starts eating it up which by the way also one of the best jokes ever is in the same scene when the two guys

are in the the throne what the fuck this is the punting and then the guys they smoke cigarettes and they're like oh we're not in the

feet are up we've got a beer that's so good ah two shlubby guys cause that's what you do you got a couple beers and you go we can take these great sequence

great film very good film oh boy let me tell you what I saw on 6th avenue today this is where the city's at and I think we're already in a cuckoo place

in our lives in the world and the country's all out of out of whack sure ad whack it's in hawk

you ever heard that ad hawk ad hawk what is that I don't know it must be latin I think it's like a skateboarding program like ah no one's gonna come

what do we do ad hawk Tony that was pretty good Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by policy genius whether you're graduating

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for your platinum package folks love manscaped get on it thank you so I'm on my hogaroo there

and you know me I'm legally going in and out of the bike lane back into the regular lane and I'm kind of tailing this cab and an SUV

or like kind of fucking me just like swerving toward each other swerving back they're they're kind of

chickening a little bit they hate each other I think one of them cut each other off and let it go so eventually I'm kind of like watching you can see them

in the window you know a cabbie and eventually they go fuck it the cabbie pulls over puts it in park I have to like

get out of the way because he slides right in front of me puts it in park gets out of the cab and goes come on come on

let's go and I'm talking this guy was like if a poo was a real guy I mean flip floppy

like Birkenstock and like just a t-shirt but like big Indian guy okay so then the SUV goes

alright he pulls over and this big Italian guy comes out with a pink polo white shorts and flip flops and he's like alright alright

and the Indian guy's like hey hey hey and the Italian guy just goes ahhhh and he chokeslams him up against the hood

and the guy's like ahhhh and I was like oh wow because in my head I'm like alright a little of this a little of that

yeah the Italian guy's like I'm not doing that I hate you I want to hurt you I'm not going to do this bullshit where we you know

have the Queens English or whatever you call that probably Dukes yes he's like now fuck that I'm going to hurt you

wow and it kind of like opened my eyes a little like oh yeah that's what fighting is right it's not just the movies

well there's no rules out there exactly yeah so he choked the guy and he was like fuck you I'll kill you

whatever and the Indian guy was like oh my god and then he let him off and the Indian guy went back at him and he just goes

and he smacked the guy across the face and the Indian guy's hat flew off oh my god well at least it was a Yankee head that's true

and uh go sucks but uh I couldn't believe he had no sucks but I couldn't believe it that it was

he kept yelling went around the car took a photo of the guy's license plate so now the Italian guy's like oh we're doing that now so he took a photo

and then they start filming each other like this guy look at it and they're both holding camera's phones at each other's faces they look like complete tards

and then they get back in the car and they keep doing it oh my god they go up a block they get out again they fight again they're holding onto the rope

too tight that's a tight rope rope yes yes they're walking the tight rope he was like I got an hour and I watched every block

wow fuck pay per view fuck hulu fuck tiktok I had uh india italia uh

soccer match over here wow that is wild wild you think once the guy gets the better of you yes you go all right well in my bed

see you later that's why it was so fascinating I couldn't stop watching because I thought I related more to the indian guy just because he got his ass kicked and he was the loser

right but I was impressed uh I know I can't beat you but I will not stop he's like cool hand luke the gumption

is it gum shin or gum sure shin shin splint there you go there's a shin yeah

but uh fun to watch and uh also the cool thing about watching a fight is other people stop and you go oh oh yeah it's fun

now you and him are friends how about this exactly same with hot hot ladies hot lady walks by and you go oh the clavicles are out baby

these ladies the shorts and the skirts and the flip flops and the bras it's weird because you're like oh yeah girls have hot bodies

you forget all year until they show them off and you're like oh there they are yeah it's pretty exciting you see that skin because yeah you spend

like six months imagining them nude you go to the beach and they're nude there they are essentially do they have that with dudes because I think

men look better with more clothes so maybe in the winter at some degree they gotta be excited they're like an ab I think oh yeah an ab yeah I can't really remember

what they like I think they like uniforms they like firemen and cops that's what I'm saying more clothes the better on a man yeah a helmet is helpful oh

love a hell even a beard a beard helps I think well I'm gonna be in whitefish with a helmet and I might get the fucking plastic mask

thing too just in case be one of those assholes put a full hazmat suit on and you'll be George Clooney it's gonna cut to me it's like

the back line of the batter's box like you don't wanna get plunked though by the way what do they say to make it to first base like

24% of players make it to first base it's very low what do you mean well it's so hard to get to first base once you get to first base you can get to second easy

but the first base is tough we're talking sex we're talking well yeah the best hitter in the league hits like 330 that's like

33% of the time there you go that's the best that's the best which is probably why people think baseball is boring cause they're like I didn't make the first

so it's just like oh here we go yeah there's a lot of that a lot of that that's like Andy Samford's great bit it's a perfect game what's that now

this thing was about the perfect a pitcher through a perfect game that's when nobody gets on base it's 27 up 27 out so he's like that's perfect so the ideal game

is if both pitchers throw a perfect game literally nothing happens that's like the most perfect game oh that's a great great take but he's always much funnier than that he's a funny guy

very funny you know I love jokes like that where it's just like oh yeah the little you take away Grant Gordon had a bit about he's like you know the term casual sex

that means you go around fucking a bunch of people it's casual sex but he's like that's not casual I had to take her out buy her drinks I'm wearing my best shirt

sex is weird I don't know her at all she's got pubic air I jizz in her eye and I go home and never call her again casual sex is when you're with your girl for 12 years

you're both wearing sweatpants you know you got a cheeto dust on your face and you're like hey you want to go knock this out and you're like you're both laying on your side he's like that's casual

that's a great point great point great bit there you go and now you can see Grant Gordon on every cell phone commercial in America oh yeah

is that still he's one of them he's this flow this progressive there's AT&T there's the can you hear me now oh yeah that guy

they're all the same the other guy JK Rowling was always on there too JK Simmons we are farmers yes well that's right so I guess he's insurance

yeah but the insurance they got the the Affleck duck they got the Geico lizard they got the what's that guy always gets hurt

he's like wearing a full suit he jumps through a window oh yeah what is it mayhem mayhem wow you know his name what's the insurance though

that's nationwide that's not a good sign you know the guy I think it's nationwide isn't it now they're on your side yeah that's Pedro Serrano from Major League

that's right oh yeah he's good now what is it all state thank you that's all state because he's in all the sports business

wait a minute okay okay yeah he's the all state that's the guy who gets hurt I think so yeah I don't care for his vibe he seems very antagonistic

well that's the fun part I guess you throw him through a plate glass window I don't know that's not fun to me I hate antagonism okay

but he's not coming through your window no but he just has that feel alright fuck you I'm just trying to watch the ball came here leave me alone

exactly what did I do not my fault you're getting a car wreck or whatever yeah so yeah I don't have I mean I just got back

from Baltimore I love a weekend without a flight to me is a way easier weekend I'm the same way and it's funny

because at the time they're listening to this I will have just got back from Baltimore back to back weeks not the best planning you bringing anybody I got Matt Wayne

coming next to me that's fun probably trying to figure out the meat situation oh yeah that's tomorrow right yeah tomorrow

heading down there and then this weekend Atlanta punchline Friday Saturday very excited love hot Lana let me tell you about Vancouver a little bit

oh Coove my ass so lot going on there spiritual journey out there in Vancouver so I do San Francisco I have the one night gig

Rob Mayhew you know Rob Mayhew I like Robbie yeah good guy good guy tatted up at the gig in Vancouver and I've never gotten

more messages emails tweets texts Instagram messages than this gig it's at the rickshaw theater

which is right in the heart of east Hastings street oh boy which is that's not lunch it's like skid row but it's skid town

yeah it's like a 12 block it's insane and everyone's messaging me being like don't do this gig be careful

it's great I mean I got 300 messages on a montage wow there's YouTube videos go on YouTube and go east Hastings

tour of east Hastings there's like 15 of them there you go and you'll see the rickshaw theater in there I mean I don't even know how to describe it

it is the single craziest thing I've ever seen in my life it's so sad and strange it's free drugs free heroin free everything

I guess they give them food and blankets I don't know the solution it sounds pretty good free drugs free food the idea is

they won't be robbing people because they're being they're getting they have what they need I guess I think I guess but that never works out

I want two blankets fuck you well this is above my pay grade but it was one of the saddest, craziest and frankly scariest things I've ever seen

and I was nervous so I expressed that they gave me I gotta give a shout out to Jacob the young comic big ass dude

he came in and rode with me big Jake and he was like everyone does like the thing of like oh they're fine

they don't worry about it but they're homeless crack addicts they're on drugs they're unpredictable they're mentally unwell and I'm showing up with a $300

Ted Baker jacket sure I would take my money if I were them yeah I've thought about taking your money I mean you know so

also hilarious to bring the kook phobic mother fucker of all time to kookville I mean it's so funny that he picked you to go to this

vacation well I feel like you know George after watching Ronnie K the prop comic because once you see vancouver New York is like

disney world really I'm not scared of nothing after east hastings that shit is wild that's so funny because I think vancouver I think the seawall

I think the ocean I think Asian people a little weed it's so clean pretty it's crazy so I do San Francisco I fly up there

the hotel it's called the Riviera on I forget the name of the street I get dropped there and on the way in I check out the reviews

it's a lot of one star don't stay here holy shit this place sucks but I'm like whatever it's just a night just a place to plop so I get in there

and right away I get dropped and I look and I'm like this isn't looking great oh boy not looking horrible nice neighborhood

but I'm like let me see and I had to fly early so I get in like yeah they're not gonna let me check in of course

that's the worst so because they was either getting at 10 a.m. or 5 p.m. for a 7 o'clock show you made the right choice so oh jeez they watch

oh that's the time we gotta go it's alright 5 o'clock too we're good broken so we go in there

I go into the hotel and there's a guy I don't know what he is Eastern European he's like where's my cab yes I asked for a cab

where's did you call the cab but like American they're like yeah we called the cab it should be here and the guy's like

there's no cab I'm gonna miss my flight he's like we call them don't worry and then I literally hit the guy like

just call them up again and so I'm like this is weird then there's just like piles of suitcases in there the lobby's like 10 feet wide and they have like

behind the counter there's like little boxes of cereal those little boxes and the lady's like do you guys have breakfast here he's like the tank looks a little dirty

oh bad fish dirty fish white fish and so this is gonna upset you so then I go hey I know it's 10 a.m. I'm wondering when I can check in

if maybe there's a room ready it's not under my name it's under Rob's name so we can't figure out the name situation then he says okay we found it we found the thing

it's a $25 early entry that's how they get you and I go so the room is ready and he goes well we ready about an hour so I gotta pay $25 to wait an hour

yes no good then he goes there's also a $9 COVID fee what is it spirit airlines $9 I go what is that

at first I said this fucking country out loud because you gotta wear your mask there still whoa on the plane and everything so I go

$9 COVID fee I go what is that and he goes well we clean the room extra with these chemicals and I think that's criminal am I crazy

you can't add on stuff like that $9 COVID so what if I don't want to pay the $9 can you not use the chemicals good point and I'm paying for a clean room yeah

does I get COVID if I don't give you the $9 right and now if you get COVID you should be able to sue them I go is this a national thing they go

ah no and so I go so it's $25 for the early check in but I can't check in yet and then it's a $9 COVID fee and I go is there a place to put

my suitcase and he goes yeah you can leave it right there it's just out in the open there's no bell man where do you find this fucking flop bucket I don't know

so I go hold on one second I'll be right back I step over here I look up hotels and Google Maps the Westin

is a six minute walk on the water next to Stanley Park ah but what's the price so I call them up well I call them up and I go

let me ask you this do you have a room available right now if I went there and checked in could I get a room the lady's like we certainly do

I'll be right there I'm up and I said see you later my friends keep your nine dollars I took my suitcase and I said sayonara ta ta

ta tell good for you walked down to the Westin huge hotel free bike rental whoa rented it rode all around Stanley Park

like we did ten years ago whoa right on the water checked in at 10 30 a.m. took a nap hot lady there big squishy bed ah squish

hot showers steaming up I felt like a million bucks it cost about five thousand dollars yeah yeah but I just felt great did he help you fray the price of the wheelchair

with the with the with the rob I don't know I don't even know I texted my manager and wrote like ah see if we can get a buyout

because I'm not using the room but if not I don't even care okay and it was one of those things I did well in San Fran I did well in Vancouver and you just you have this thing

where you go I've been doing comedy for 22 years yes yes I'm on four hours sleep I want to take a nap and be in the park that's not too much to ask by the way

and this is what you have money for you know people say hey you got money what are you going to do save up you can't take it with you you got to buy a pool

or a jet no this is it well that's the difference it's like I can check in right that's worth $50,000 to me to lay in a bed

right now I'm exhausted and to have a secure place and I hate that early you watch my bag I'll go eat while you have my bag

for two hours bullshit so felt fantastic amazing filled with Tuesday's big theater just packed up there with the

with the gays no issues with the whatever good hang good hang I like that Rob good guy and Jacob was great

and it was a great time theater was cool it's a rock and roll place and they had like Sam Coffey had been there and all these great band posters and everything

and it was just a great gig I'm looking forward to Toronto July 29 Toronto Paradise Theater love Toronto doesn't it feel good though that like a little thing of

you're going to Cooke Central the hotel sucks you're in the middle of Vancouver on the other side of the world and then another country and you're in the Cooke town and the gays are out

and they know about the Cooke they're like Joe's gonna go here we're gonna go see him he's probably nervous they know everything about you isn't that fun it was amazing it was so fun

everybody was so nice and kind we have the best fans and thanks to everyone on the Patreon by the way Chuck is really wheeling the deal he's a wizard

grand we're grateful to all of you it's on my counter I'll Venmo you a nice chunk to the maximum well I'm not worried about the chunks but no chunks

he's in Goonies chunk but anyways great time great stuff we gotta get out of here you gotta train to catch yeah

this weekend I'm at Punchline Atlanta June 24 and 25 the weekend after that is the movie Beacon is sold out

you missed your chance to see it in New York was that right yeah wow but it is playing at Village East oof

that sounded a little wet yeah not dry it is playing at Village East Cinemas pack those out it's a 120 seat theater it's playing all day

and all night July 1st to July 7th you can go get tickets now for you in New York and then there's still some tickets available for the Schubert Theater and the Vic Theater

in Boston and Chicago Louie and I will be there doing Q&A after Ron Bennington as well other cast and then July 29 Paradise Theater

Toronto let's keep filling these up I've been selling out some shows it's been really exciting and we're up over a million on the special oh my god

what a year you fatty you're killing it so keep sharing that and then July 5th and 6th I'm gonna be embedded in Whitefish I think July 5th is the game man

it's up in Montana come by oh boy go see the guy pitch and catch right up the ass so I can't follow that

that's a good couple months wow you got dates all over my ass come on yeah and pimples on mine so I'm in

MarkNormityComet.com I'm doing a lot of theater stuff we got the Wilbur we got the Neptune we got Portland we got Vancouver we got Toronto we're all over the place

say hello I'm doing the fully loaded with Bert coming up I think this weekend depending on when this comes out and yeah

yeah check out my special my stuff the pod and I'm going to the village east I'm gonna go see the movie there I'll tell you that right now

bring the lady please do I think Ari's putting together a big group so yeah you know get a group to gaze together we gotta sell it because it's

independent it's so hard to get this fucking movie in theaters yeah so we want to see the people show up go there yes

now you know what I just realized you make some money off the theater movies you don't have to give your agent that or do you nah I don't know I don't think we're gonna be

making any money off the theater I think the theater gets like half then there's like another fee and that you know you sell some Mike and Ike's yeah we're hoping to make some money streaming

and it will be streaming down the road but go support it live in the cinema go support it and I can't wait to see it it looks like a hell of a picture and

we're really doing it so can't wait for the reviews try to be nice it's okay oh boy there you go low-expective

we had fun that's what we did we had a good time making it it's all about having fun folks thank you thanks Chuck thanks Brian

you're the man appreciate you coming in and go enjoy the summer you only got five left everybody wave it up do it go

go go go go go go go go

go go