Tuesdays with Stories! - #459 Chuck Suit

Episode Date: July 5, 2022

Joe and Matt Wayne record farts. The boys discuss who they'd like to see make love to their significant others. Mark works out with Joe Rogan, and tells the tale of Ari Shaffir's ill-conceived bet. Joe gives a lecture on the dangers of sleepover and the Chiefs of Queef receive a very timely gift during the show... !!! Sponsors: - Support the show and quit smoking naturally with Füm. Save 10% by using code TUESDAYS at https://www.breathefum.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show by going to www.buyraycon.com/tuesdays - Visit http://www.nativedeo.com/tuesdayswithstories Subscribe to our Patreon for the ad-free version of the show, weekly bonus episodes, and more! patreon.com/tuesdays Subscribe to our YouTube channel here for full video of every episode: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy folks here we are we're back we're full of Chipotle I got a gurgle going I might fart something wet yeah it's where we just finished we're doing it we're double dipping here we're doing two episodes in a day

which we used to do all the time way back in the old Benji days who's around for the Benji days Benji's dad I think I think he's a dog Benji was his name oh monkey box oh Shanahan I don't know he was the original oh gee we pitched him and Becky who works at my management company that's right and we had to pitch we like sat and two of us were shaking being like what if we just talked about our name a weekend and they were like that kind of sucks but whatever yeah yeah and it did suck for a little bit yeah a couple of years but we figured it out now we're here now we're fucking we're 69 but yeah it

started way back at stand-up you my whole life should take place in the Upper West Side I had therapy up there my my home group sobriety group was up there I had the podcast was up there I was at stand-up New York every 10 minutes and one other thing my dentist my dentist was up there I had to go to him every day for about 10 years to work out anti-dentite root canal I mean it was just a full I was an Upper West Sider yeah never up there no well you'll be up there for the beacon theater that was last week boy was it something we had 2,000 people there and the movie bombed nobody liked it it's 11% rotten

tomato I'm so terrified of that run tomato score they're biased I'm gonna have a green splat right next to my face yeah yeah certified rotten I mean if I get it might be out by now if I get 46 I'll be happy no you'll get you'll hit over 50 you haven't seen this piece of junk that bad a clunker it stinks the crowd was booing Chuck left he's smashed his camera like Kurt Cobain and came up left there Tim Dylan has a copy and I asked for it he said oh I burned that so people are talking Dylan say some people have seen it by the time they're listening people have seen it it's weird that we're doing to because they're gonna

want to tune in and hear me talk about the beacon right and the Shubert yeah and the Vic sorry folks I'm gonna be able to see it that night right am I gonna be setting stuff up we're doing a big shoot I don't know I might big shoot myself I assume you'll be able to sit cuz you'll get set up and then we'll play the movie not gonna be filming while we're watching the movie a screener so you can watch you don't need us I want to see this book come on let's see this thing the worst off we are just keeping a secret move on no I think it's good I think it's gonna touch you you're a New Englander I assume you hate your dad I

love the trailer trailer is beautiful you like the trailer I think you like yeah very very touching if it wasn't you I'd be psyched about that trailer I appreciate that I feel like the people that love the trailer will love the movie people that hate the trailer will hate the movie yeah well that's good isn't that good I guess I'll hate the movie that's accurate representation of the movie then I think so I think so I mean you're you booked a one-nighter just to get out of watching the thing because it is pressure I got through it a gig in Kuwait if you think about it it is pressure I've done that room it is

pressure to watch a movie Kuwait don't tell me with people in the room it's actually mean to make people come to your premiere they gotta walk up to me afterwards it was great it's not a nice thing to do now that's how I feel about my wedding yeah yeah I'm not looking forward to that but the back the party's gonna rule I'm not either but yeah yeah that's why it's gonna be fun I mean we got a questionable group going if I might say so well people are dropping like flies and you know what I got a neck injury one guy's sweaters dirty the other guy's having a baby yeah sweaters oh hand Lee he pulled I haven't talked to

him but if Sam's not going in Vita's not going I don't picture hand Lee what's he gonna do hold hands with Sean Patton now he's gonna need craft service he's gonna need a masseuse he's gonna need a you know bottle service out there he's a high maintenance gal I'll see if he'll come I'll work on him I wanted to come but he's a guy once those guys are bailing yeah yeah but I'll be there maybe you know George bailing I'm gonna do a couple a couple days there I might leave early no I can't wait even if it's you me Ari and Patton will will fucking the ass we're ripping up we'll eat good we'll go to a titty bar we'll hit a jet

ski we'll splash we'll swim we'll sing we'll dance we'll cook where was I was with Ari someone was like Tampa that's like a big oh yeah I was at the beacon and it was Nate's wife was like Tampa that's like a big strip club city number one and then I was like is it huh maybe we'll make use of that well like she said it like hey you guys might want to check this out yeah that's why we're there we're way ahead of you sister but we're gonna be grilling out cooking steaks we're gonna we have a private beach I know we're gonna be laughing petting zoo midget toss you name it and we gotta get you late I mean I know this

is going out in the air but she doesn't listen let's get you to get your cock your asshole we'll flip it up let's go gay let's go Florida we'll go gay we'll switch it that's not bad I'm never gonna go gay again you think she'd be mad you think she'd be upset if you suck the cock a little perturbed cuz I know a couple women how am I gonna name names and they were like you know I'm very progressive but if I found out you sucked dick it would really put me off yeah see they're just as bad as us these ladies yeah what's all preference or whatever you know all pipes but it's all biology it all comes back to biology

we're all wacky and wired because a woman scissoring a woman is still somehow feminine but a man kissing a man is also feminine yeah I was getting some straight dope from a group of ladies we're all talking about love the straight dope group lady well and they were really giving me the business they said you know if my if I found out a guy not even like my husband but a guy that I was seeing whatever or if I learned in the dating process that he had hooked up with men and they were like especially if he was a bottom I just couldn't do like I couldn't do it I couldn't do it it's a deal-breaker I love I love her into that

some of course are like hey that's hot to me and some say they're into that too because they want to see him hip and cool and open-minded but I think the the majority is the the first gal yeah it's interesting well and this is what's weird about sex shaming in either direction like people are like well you can't want to have you if something nowadays if you're like I really am into black women or black men they're like that's a sheer that's no good it's a fetishizing fetishizing a group but you're like you can't help what you're into you can't help your feelings and thoughts that's how I feel it's almost like

shaming someone for being gay yeah same thing well we have these these boxes if you're in this box you're good if you're in that box you're bad I I like to finger a box but Alingon had that funny bit about Alingon Mitra check him out very funny he had that bit about he's like oh I'm really an Asian women and all these girls like oh what a creep come on Asian fat get out of here and then his friend was like I love black guys they're like good for you right what's the difference I go mine it all comes back to history it's kind of like how you go oh I like skinny girls with fat with big asses and everybody goes all

right you pig your sexist misogynist but if you go I love plus-sized women they go I like this guy right and you're like well they're both shallow they just have different preferences but why does that would make you feel better yeah you can't help what you're attracted to yes you know what I mean I'm like I like you know a blind lady with orthopedic shoes is what I think is oh that's hot yeah wouldn't you mind wouldn't you like put that wiggly stick up my ass but and also the longer I do a bit about it the longer you with some of the more you need mix them ups I call them mix them up blindfold Mohawk you know photo Chuck

you know something nice I patch peg leg Peggy hit me up let me ask you this here's a question for this is a good topic someone's gonna give you $15 million dollars someone's gonna fuck your wife and you gotta watch she's gonna really fuck what guy you choose it mmm well I think I'm gonna go a little bit Ken John right right out of the gate a little dick hold on I might have one too we're gonna be it's gonna be a fart episode yeah that was a snapper rule Jesus cry that was a snap embarrassing B pod we just did a Q&A till they asked the most embarrassing moment in comedy that was it right there was just a

little I mean that was a that was like if you threw a firework and it just went you're like oh we got a dud well I was with Matt Wayne all weekend so we were courting farts this is funny all right let me play this I played this one and I was like I got a good one coming and watch how quickly Matt Wayne dismisses it was a dud the funniest part is Matt Wayne dismissing the fart I was like there comes a big one I got one I got one I got one I got one I go like this he poo-pooed the fart sorry no next and then I got a quick double fart this is a little double double trouble but the way he went no he's a vegan he gets

those vegan he's eating broccoli all day and spinach and french fries so he really can rip it up a tofu fart yeah so you're going with a small dick to fuck your small dick preferably hairless I don't want like a hairy chested motherfucker in there I want to like a smooth Filipino boy see now my thought is I go the same guy we did the Q&A know what what man would you go gay for I might pick him I'm like I got Gyllenhaal fucking my wife yeah she's gonna like it he's not you might as well like it I'm sitting there and he's not gonna fuck her again he's out I know but stuck with me he's not gonna leave me

he's not gonna leave his girl for my wife but she'll be thinking about him with you well as long as she happy you know what I mean yeah that happy with me she's thinking of somebody that's a broke back marriage yeah that's not bad all right I'll make I'll dress her up like Heath Ledger like the Joker oh that's hot bad makeup you know he bought all that makeup at a CVS fun fact no kidding the joke of makeup yeah his own makeup well the guy bought it that's the makeup guy or gal make sense makeup sex I watched those movies I think if you know my movies obviously gonna explode 98% rotten tomatoes Chuck cried it's gonna be

huge if they cast me in an X-Men thing where you gotta sit you ever see the videos the speed up videos of the guy just sitting there reading a book and they're putting like the crazy oh yeah they're on the eyes the makeup around the eyes when they're like gluing the space alien shit yep yep I couldn't do it like it's five million dollars and we'll make Gyllenhaal fuck your wife in the ass I'd be like pass yeah Jim Carrey said he did eight hours for the Grinch that's what I'm talking about eight hours Marines came in and taught him how to deal with pain cuz no is that right he flipped out on set yeah it

was crazy wow I gotta get a Marine to fuck me in the ass cuz it's gonna hurt wow help me get through it they had to teach him how to like put up with like torture they've taught him techniques yeah yeah yeah no that that shit the makeup shit I just stinks a fat suit maybe I put on you know but you could also just get fat you could also just do a chuck yeah yeah didn't you used to be fat though when I first met you in Providence were you a big fat guy yeah I mean obese morbid now you had a rascal I probably I probably weighed like 40 45 pounds more than I weigh right now yeah it was more than that I my memory

doing that pot I remember walking up the street by the arena to go to this loser pod I really am a good person I give back to the community I remember you being a big fat shit am I crazy I think I think I remember you had the wheelchair ramp a little Tetris handle yeah a little joystick joystick yeah yeah I had that the beer helmet no you're thin you're not even like 90s fat you're fit I I'm getting there I still want to yeah I'm getting there what you quit pasta sugar when I moved to New York it was funny because I got out of a relationship in like fall and so I was like you know what if I'm gonna be by

myself I don't have to I don't have to go out to dinner I don't have anything social good point I'm like I'm gonna control like whatever I want like I eat shrimp cocktail every day and you're not a drinker and I don't drink alcohol really a little bit a little once in a while that's a big leg up but yeah so I just kind of you know I had a ton of work to do when I moved here a ton of commitments but I was all by myself it was just work and just like controlling what I eat right mention you threw your back out plus in Rhode Island you know I was a food writer and my girlfriend was my photographer so we're

constantly going out to eat and she's taking pictures are sending us dish dish dish dish well you want a lot of hats I'm like a food writer I'm gonna go in August a lot of Spanx I'm gonna write an article in Rhode Island about our new restaurant we're gonna go to it and they yeah they usually like send you out a ton of stuff how fun are you getting out of that one news to me but now that'll be fun yeah we'll figure that out that's gonna be great by the way you just get you just bought yourself about 75 mean comments with this little piece of yeah you talked that was 12 minutes okay too long but don't cut it it was good

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slash Tuesdays with stories use promo code Tuesdays with stories at checkout for 20% off your first order get on it folks and smell better thank you so I just want to get this out because I'm sure people at home are like oh we had to wait a whole extra week for this quiff but so we do the Texas we go to Rogan yeah so I'm in Cleveland flying flying from LA to do West Doors, New Jersey sorry that's a deep cut so should be at St. Bart's yeah I fly in from Cleveland to Dallas Fort Worth and then Fort Worth to Austin which is like a 12 minute flight you know but guess who I bump into at Fort Worth. Let me take a

guess Fort Worth, Shangela's. Hey! First try. He's flying. So you go oh we're doing wrong and you know and jump into his arms he kisses me he says an Asian slur and then we jump on the flight and we get there and he goes I'm hurting man we did the fully loaded it's seven days of just pure whiskey butt light and anal I gotta I gotta have a salad I need to not drink and I go I am with you man I was just been in hell with these flights I won't drink tonight but I could really murder some barbecue yeah BBQ Texas baby you right when you land it there's a smoke trail coming out of the chimney and it just smells that sweet savory rib

mmm yeah barbecue guy love barbecue two brothers who talks about two brothers it's all I would think about the big tree the crushed ice the mac and cheese the moist pussy of the brisket oh I love my brisket two brothers San Antonio I will say that is probably the best barbecue I've ever had ever had am I right am I wrong am I crazy am I gay and tone and it's out there too it's like an hour away you got a park in a field and ride a horse and shout out to Michael Suarez he's the first one that brought me there was she Mike Bush Mike so Shane Gillis goes I can't I was gonna go to sweet green and go to bed at 8 p.m. when

I was like come on you've changed and Ari shows up with his floppy hat and his dreidel and he goes oh we gotta get barbecue so Shane's like you fucking assholes and I'm like you know they have salads at a barbecue place let's suppose but they're covered in queso and pulled pork well I think Shane is weak he's a weak weak man I told you I was at the monster truck rally and he's like I'm sober this week and a guy went hey big Shane how about a bud light he went okay you got me that's it so we go to the barbecue place now the hostess lady comes up Kayla or Carly she goes we're all big fans we have a show downstairs

you guys want to come drinks are on us and we're like oh you queefy whore what kind of show like a rock show no we went to Stubbs which has a hole that's where Chappelle was during the pandemic with the whole kitten kaboo so where was that what that's part of the burp okay I thought you farted so we go oh we could it we said we weren't gonna drink here we are Shane's in a wheelchair I'm on fumes but here we are this is Sunday yeah just the Sunday past yeah and the taping the recording is on Monday so you want to be fresh because I don't know if you've heard about this this podcast a lot of people listen to it that's what

I've heard not when I do it but yeah I know what you mean well didn't you get cut cut from Pandora no I think cuz the Rogan had to drop a couple yeah when it went to Pandora that's what's called spotify whatever the fuck when I went to Spotify I was dropped but that's because it was a stinker I think we talked about Louie I can't remember there was some there was some clip going around that you were like not psyched about being involved with that was the second time that was the second time that was the second time and I didn't care I just felt yeah it was a weird clip yeah I remember that clip that was bad

I've never seen the clip I watched so I stink by the way I texted was like hey can I come play my special iced I'm out damn I'm out Jerry wonder what happened I think I bombed I just bombed hard the Dewey Cox story ah Cox what can you do but you Shane are he stubs downstairs rock and roll free drinks yeah I was gay so for the record I want to say I would much rather do with these hooligans than just go on alone going on alone on Rogan is is not a picnic whoo it's tough I'd rather be with any group of people to give me any group of three put me in there and Tifa Wayans brothers you name it yeah it's better to mix it up

absolutely ain't all on you so we go to this rock show and it's just I'm talking all out metal we leave immediately which was good because we were about to start drinking which we didn't want to do so then we go let's hit the pool we hit the pool we swim a couple laps it's very wholesome I buy one beer Ari gets a beer Ari sharts himself immediately what the barbecue he's old he really is old and he's got bloody shards too was it a bloodshot I don't know he I told him to jump in the pool again and rinse it off but hooligan pool again ah yes pool again so we we hang out we do it like we do it like a real bonding love a buck can we

linger on the chart though this just seems crazy don't don't just slide over a shard there's not much to tell he was sitting there and we were talking about politics and art and life and love and society and he went I just sharded oh my god he just sat with it it was like a turned crusty he's got problems this guy yeah yeah he's a mess but you know when you're that age your bowels are very weak I think so yeah I mean he's in his late 60s yeah yeah he's got no hymen or what do you call it a kegels or whatever they're all ruined they're all shot from the Holocaust or whatever so he's done so but yeah he sharded and I said

get back in the pool and rinse it he goes I'm not going to by the way salt water pool oh that's fun what it was low it makes it a little easier to swim is that what that is yeah it's like you got your buoyant ah boy and when you start swimming in the ocean is a hundred times even swimming in a pool if you never noticed I'm a big ocean guy and then you go swimming a pool and you're like I'm sinking right ocean you flow you can just lay there in the ocean the ocean heels I love the ocean what about the the eyeballs eyeballs can you open them eyeball chambers oh well I told you I got a phobia I haven't opened my eyes in

the water so I was eight years old same I opened under I had perfect vision 2020 everyone says I'm crazy this is 2020 this is 1990 2020 vision good show my friend Ron Reynolds dared me to open my eyes underwater in the hot tub I did it came up and everything was blurry ever since you needed glasses I've needed glasses ever since it changed the whole course of my life I was cool and now I'm a nerd people think I'm an asshole they push me in the bushes they droop me they were attacking me and it's all because the glasses and meanwhile I was a top tier athlete pretty well my father's gay you know I could name I can give you some

sports stats I stink at chess I don't like sci-fi I hate math I was failed on high school who is this Ryan Reynolds character I fucked you I mean I got the the crooked teeth the jawline and the glasses but if you soup those up I'm a cool dude man this guy really it's like a superhero origin but the other way I know bad he went villain I'm telling you I'm 40 years old I'll throw a perfect spiral 40 yards on the run it'll land right in your hands but this asshole made me help my eyes underwater and I'm a fucked ever since man man I just picture right when you came I like I can't see so I handy a green tea a chocolate chip

cookie and a pair of dorky glasses and the rest is history my teeth went wild to they were perfect I had perfectly white just banged up against the jet it was gorgeous but yeah open my eyes underwater and it's been downhill ever since I'm telling you I can't see shit I can't see Peter deep gut as well holy hell this kid Johnny Reynolds or whatever this kid should be in jail he's a Tuesday run oh thanks a lot well I mean we got a funny a guy out of it you probably were less funny then big Tuesday I think was that my my sister's soccer tournament or something we can't we're you know when you were kid you had

a friend that just was always there always there jerking it fucking it eaten sleeping it's because these 80s 90s parents they hated their children you like you can't bring them by himself he'll fucking just ruin our lives you like get Ron Reynolds on the horn and they can go and hop fences and climb trees or whatever so true I remember going to family trips with my friends my family but I'd be like they're like we're going to Pensacola Florida you're coming with me I'm like is that okay but they'd rather him play with me than them I think I just was someone was telling me about this I think this is

happening less they don't do sleepovers anymore because these parents keep raping and killing the children is that right yeah I think cuz you don't happen they don't look into the parent well think about weird it is you have like a seven-year-old and then Billy from class you know he's got a boner and I come staying on his knees sure been there and he goes hey my mom wants you to sleep over and the parents go in the 80s they went go sleep over but they didn't do a background check no so your kid is just sleeping at some asshole's house so I think nowadays you don't do sleepovers no really that was a big part of my

childhood I pissed on everybody I'm telling you on the blue state I'm sure the red states are having child orgies or whatever but I the blue states it's all safety this and safety that how about that I'm telling you they're they're wearing masks and they're not having sleepovers wow you want to sleep over you gotta move to Georgia I go to Epstein's Island I don't know but this is all news to me at sleepovers are it builds character and it builds a interaction and social skills and sleepy well I think the kids came home and they're like yeah fucking Eric wiped his ass on my forehead when I fell asleep that's part

of the fun you had to let that chicken marinate marinate Barghetti I think that happened a lot where they're you know I mean you fall asleep for it they come home with a dick drawn on their forehead right and their asshole bleeding and the parents whatever I know it's part of that's a Tuesday to these young whippersnapper parents it's not cool all right all right well I mean these kids are missing out because a lot of these people now is they do the over protecting it actually is more harmful it's kind of like your L you know purel you put purel on every 10 seconds now you get aids cuz you you touch one

doorknob you see what I'm saying of course I've never touched purel in my life I find it disgusting I'm not even kidding it's jizzy that's not even a joke I find it gross I wash my hands once a couple weeks same same once an election cycle I'll do I'll do a rinse that's it if I take a shit and I wipe and it gets all of my hand which it usually does sure then I'll wash my hands yeah you know when I wash my hands when I shit on them George Carly exactly where's that clip of the the app of the Apatow docker didn't see that one either all right moving on all right you're in Texas you're at stubby's

Texas right you sharded he's sharded he's old he's got no hymen no butt kegel so we go up and I I've been on no sleep you know just staying at the airport drinking every night doing these theaters finally these flights get to Texas and I go I'm I'm getting sleep I'm taking pills I'm gonna be rested for the podcast because last time I bombed I don't know if I told you I don't remember this is our fourth time doing it I believe and it was the last time I just I was on two hours of sleep I did Bert's pod before we got drunk at 8 a.m. then I did Rogan with like a sleepy hangover and a foggy I bombed yeah and nothing

wasn't bombing on that it's a biggest platform I've done it twice I'm telling so it stings right solo boss things I want to move on I can't wait for this story to be done it's the worst nightmare of my life I'm talking two bombs emails you stink and suck worst episode ever my ticket sales went down I lost followers so uh oh put the phone down geez oh is that rogan bad no it's all it's all pipes my whole family's got cover they're all dead that's about time all right I'm listening so at least they're talking to you but so we I take a Sarac will Sarac will a Xanax two melatonin a weed gummy and at something

else I can't remember but I just went all in I'm like I'm sleeping and boy I slept ten hours oh which is rare for me we wake up gillett right from most humans eight is rare for me so Gillis I wake up he's like what are you up to Rogan's like you guys want to steam you guys want to shoot arrows you want to kill a horse you want to choke a cop you want to tase me like it's like six of the board like no we don't want to eat elk and go on a sauna you psycho you want to you know you want to go archery and all this shit you want to put on war paint and kill a squall like no no I gotta get back in there I want to do

all those things put in a word I'm sorry Joe I'll try harder next time I'll come in with knock knock jokes I'll have hot takes about you know the blacks or whatever it sure sure blacks so I just go I ignore all those texts and then Gillis goes I'm gonna go do a gay workout if you want to go to the gym and I said I'll be there so I go down to meet Shane he's got the kettle bells he's fat he's doing his whole thing he's got a trainer so trainers I know I got trainers I got a trainer I got Biden eats training wheels but so I go down there and you really cuz as comedians everything's a joke we're very cynical

we're very pessimistic so to see a good buddy in short shorts swinging a kettle bell it's a little vulnerable it's off-putting I don't care for it yeah when I'm at the gym I don't want anyone to see me I go to the gym at like 3 30 a.m. I'm there till 340 and I get the hell out of there exactly I'm with you and you ever bump into somebody the gym you gotta go huh I guess I got to leave now thank you you feel like a putz in there you like I want to look better I'm stupid so it's a weird moment it's very vulnerable but I go I'm not gonna mock him I'm gonna join in and we had a nice mature workout together it

was nice about that I remember speaking to which when we were in Arkansas I think it was Arkansas Arkansas we went to the gym we were just whipping the big ball it was great it was called the big bouncy ball that you do push-ups on our sit-ups crunches on we were just taking it and throwing it as hard as we could across the gym New Mexico New Mexico it was a casino yes was it New Mexico it was New Mexico I believe it was it was a bear and waste no Mexico we were just punting that big giant foam ball it was really fun yeah the lady on the treadmill wasn't let wasn't into it but it was great great time we were howling laughing

just dying that ball but that's what comics do at a gym but he was sincerely working out so I said I'm gonna just join in Ari of course it again as fits because he's from Auschwitz and he had to sit in a hot room with gas but we did it we showered up we took a walk me and Ari got breakfast that's the thing about Rogan he's so generous that he gives you like a credit at the hotel so you buy food you buy drinks you can buy room service whatever if you don't have a hotel you don't really get anything huh you don't get anything we'll put in a word sorry I'm ruining your childhood here but so you don't get eat the good

breakfast you get a smoothie pay for the room yeah which which is new ah yeah no he certainly didn't huh I don't even know if mine aired it aired damn all right so we go over there and it's just good vibes and he's got the lady there does the COVID test and all that shit checks your antibodies pretty she's very attractive remember third time's a charm Joe get on them come on help the brother out he's got a movie coming out film and a special and a special and a hook shop yeah so she goes you want to get a COVID test I go I'm good what else you got she's got a spread of just like what do you call that perks booster not

booster what do they call those extras you know you get them it's you get them at the Jamba juice so you want to put in a whatever boosters extras I've seen both of those yeah yeah good show add-ons I've seen yeah yeah walk on what's a walk on walk on that's only to have a scholarship ah Rudy Rudy they just go to the school and they go hey let me try out Giuliani okay well whatever the you know what I'm talking about it's like these extra boosts boosts but a boosters been ruined by booster right but these boosters so she's got like the NAD shot the hydration shot the vitamin C shot the metamucil whatever it is the

Timonium so I go give me the NAD and she popped that thing full needle right in there already got one too what it what are you doing you feel like a god let's some lady at the Rogan's that's like her it says Chuck it'd be like if we had someone in here and Chuck was just doing out shots Chuck's Jamo she's a nurse she's a nurse she's a registered sex offender now she's a registered nurse and she's got the scrubs on she's got the gloves she's cute she's got a one of those here things what is that you know the scope open a safe yeah scope and she gave me the any NAD shot and I got to tell you Fanny I

was I was up on Adam was NAD mad goog I don't know what it stands for I think it's the disclosure agreement I don't know but national anal dildos anal dildos is pretty good nicotine amide I don't know what it is nicotine type of intravenous treatment that can stimulate cell regeneration in your body mmm it binds with elements in your body offering a host of benefits like reduced withdrawal symptoms during addiction recovery cognitive processing well the cognitive yeah was true cuz you know you go in there it's a little awkward you set up the mic okay what are we gonna talk about eye contact I was

rolling baby and I think it was the NAD I was just clear-headed joke a second it was all popping you know when you're a little foggy you can't you can't find the joke zing-a-dang and I was like that movie limitless but that's who you are now we're doing that now no no but I'm comfortable with you this is a second episode that's your fifth time doing this goddamn show I'm nervous he's buff he's four foot one he's got a thick neck I don't know what's going on did my name come up oh yeah from him what we threw you in there cheese it wasn't good but I need a nap I'm going next time we're getting a nap right in my dick hole

yes baby I was on the fucking moon baby I was rolling they didn't offer me a NAD the NAD is new the NAD new NAD new Dan is NAD backwards the NAD or men oh there we go you tell me I can't get on the show with this stuff this is gold Jojo hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Raycon I've been listening a lot of Pearl Jam lately and it's been great it's been even better using my Raycon wireless earbuds Raycons everyday earbuds look feel and sound better than ever hard to believe they were always pretty great with optimized gel tips for the perfect in ear fit these earbuds are comfortable

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their Raycons falling three stories get lost in the rain snowstorm and still working baby it's easy to you it's easy to see why Raycons everyday earbuds have over almost fifty thousand five-star reviews I left one of those myself check out Raycons wireless earbuds you're gonna want to leave them a five-star review as well go to Raycon.com slash Tuesdays and get 15% off your first order that's by Raycon.com slash Tuesdays to buy to get 15% off your first order by Raycon.com slash Tuesdays so either way we just had a rip roaring so Ari before we were at stubs night before Ari goes you know what you drink your

15 beers Shane I could do that and Shane's like here we go and he's like I could do the 15 beers and he goes Shane goes I will bet you five thousand dollars you cannot keep up with 15 beers and he goes I don't know if I can pay that but I bet I can do it so he goes all right I'll still give you the five grand so we shotgun two I'm drinking straight up whiskey with ice maker not makers of a buffalo trace Shane's doing his whiskey and then the weed starts going around and this is not just weed this is Rogan I live in a shelter I know QAnon I fucked Elon Musk weed you know this is next level so I to the fake hit

sure I stick with this cigar Ari hits the weed he does the shotgun he does the Bud lights we do a good two hours at one point I look over he's doing this oh boy on the microphone and we make fun of him he's old he's Jewish then it was full-on Holocaust six million and one laying on the floor puking into a cooler I think he puked eight times this is the thing about Ari he's not even a drinker first of all he drinks he drinks but he's not a drinker sure he has like he'll go weeks without drinking anything he's not a booze guy and to your point he just filmed a special where he was sober for like a month exactly then

he just kicks it right in a high gear with this shit and whoa it hit the fucking fan anyway he's about 125 pounds he's 64 years old he's a Jew who's don't have a reputation for being the big boozers there's a couple exemptions obviously sure but he can't he just just by weight he can't drink like Shane no no no Shane's a big big beefy bitch but it's like Chuck a couple years ago that's right with about a foot on you and he went down black Hawk down black Jew down it was ugly and we all pissed on him we took photos and it was it was like a high school memory where I was like all right all right we got to get back to the

hotel we're doing kill Tony that night we got it and he was like leave me Lee again he's like doing this shit he's got the t-rex arms and then he would just yak again we're like all right we're leaving you puking what is he 11 I mean that is you much older than that but yeah it was bad it was ran it's all on tape it's all on this will sell him out for this will sell his tickets for another year because it was just so exciting I'd return my tickets I this is humiliating he tried though I gotta try to stick with the you know the bull here sure but it was not pretty and then so you know it's weird when you're in a

room drinking for hours and the smoke and weirdness and headlocks and vomiting sure you get out of there and you stand up and you're in the lobby area of that that Rogan warehouse and you're like oh man I am way drunker than I thought yeah of course yeah when you're in a stationery you feel good yes and it's still daylight out yes it's daylight you're your your feet are wiggly and you're like oh boy and we got in the car we're making fun of the guy I think I did the blindfold on him while he was driving you know and we get back to the hotel and Shane's like I'm going to bed I'm like all right I ate at the hotel

laid down and then hinge clubs like where are you and I'm like ah so you had to peel your fat drunk ass up get out of the bed walk down 6th Street go to the Vulcan sold out crazy Gillis didn't show up and Shane or Tony's like where the hell's Gillis Gillis wakes up and runs over there was pretty amazing and we did a hell of an episode and I blacked out went to bed woke up flew here the worst craziest part of this is walking up 6th Street that's that part to me yeah that was tough forget about it that's traumatizing to me but that's the worst part about day drinking yes stop it's just the worst feeling it crump your

whole atmosphere just like crumbles down on you and get that depression that like yes and and you go you go from this magical elixir that makes you feel great and strong and fun and that same five hours later that same liquid is poison yes of course I my body hurts I feel like I have shit inside me that needs to come out yeah the only cure is more that's it or a needle from I can ratchet whatever her name is NAD NAD and me the war into the G but that's not fine this is crazy this is just two days ago yeah yeah I got back yesterday and I was like and I saw you and Sam at the cellar the cellar was hot great hang

great time I hung with Sam a little bit he's got all kinds of crazy back problem but it was great to see him and I was texting I didn't realize it was all going on yeah trying to plan this other thing and he was like gut day bombed I didn't know what that meant I thought he meant like overwhelmed oh yeah bombed during the day but yeah what a mess but is the episode out it's got to be a hit it came out today I think or yesterday it's gonna be huge this is our best one I think and Ari they the photo shops have already come in because we got all these photos are like this so they're all just Ari on a top of a mountain

laying down Ari in a coffin are you in next to Kobe I mean all kinds of great stuff oh this poor guy what a what a poor sad man to try to prove himself through drinking at the age of 71 I know but he's rolling with it where he's like owning it and post reposting all the shit he's like Ali whoa that was like warming up for the concert it's like he's like Ali in 1980 trying to fight Larry Holmes he's all puffed out and just like stand in the corner and like does he know where he is yeah sad guy the once great yes well I don't know about that but that smells a little funny sorry that was the guac but yeah great

time that NAD I might be hooked Chuck you got to get a get a bag of that and bring it into the studio because it is it's a I can get a rubber glove life savory yeah just a needle I don't want any shots of anything I don't like the shots either but it was fucking worth it can you get it in like hotdog form or something like that a powder you put in a drink and maybe maybe a hotdog powder I don't know what did you give us the half signal by the way where we had of all lost 42 o'clock in here we need a clock and oh should we open the box we got a gift it's a clock it's a clock he gave it away I said we need a clock and then

this asshole who can't keep a secret went you lit up like my father's Christmas tree on Halloween night nice poker face dick let's Jesus literally you're like a child you couldn't be a dad he's like I hope I get my bike and you're like whoa I hope so too I guess pass this box over your smokestack also what an asset you should have let us open it before the shows we would have been able to say who oh said is Ron Reynolds what's going on here hey Michael on I gotta say thanks to a what was this guy's name again Peter guy knows Latino Ramon it was that with Ramon he sent a poster yes hold on there's a

receipt in here or something there it comes yeah it is guy I got it right guy Valdez oh good coffee yeah I think he spilled some oil back in there well let's see the should we pull the poster out is it too much all right but I think it's X right he said I know you love X I love you and you're my ex all right looks like it needs a knife though this is already opened it so you could just oh that's a good producer good producer that is a good producer opening our shit oh there it is yeah oh wow it's all three of us Michael Camillerie whoa whoa look at this whoa come on it's at a handmade wood McCullen it's signed in the back we need

some bad did you come with batteries yeah there's batteries in the box wow this is beautiful beautiful it's so thick wow this is tremendous all right Hugh who's it Michael Michael McLuhan big Michael Camillerie there's your bats right there wow with the with a big nail let's shove them in there yeah all right wow this is tremendous there Mikey thank you Mike and you got any gifts or what not a bomb anthrax send it in we'll open it finally a fan who cares another one coming for Joe someone reached out to me and they're like I'm gonna send Joe something that's very nice about the movie I don't know what it is oh it's probably a

review that says I suck fourth of July it's probably a fucking acting lessons book I can't get this I think this battery maybe too big there's two places we have to put batteries in I think double a one's my asshole I don't know what the night oh this is to put it in the wall I assume five that's what a nail is double a it's not getting in there come on use a little elbow jizz thank you there comes note in there of exactly how to use it I think that's just for packing got it fudge back all right there you go look at that is it clicking little lights they're not twinkling I think you gotta like wind you gotta wind it's like a

windy clock well you're a note dear mark Joe and Chuck after continuous mentions about the studio needing a clock here you are I'm a Brooklyn quiff who builds guitars and recently been making some clocks been meaning to build this for a while now but couldn't land on a design I kept trying to make it too complicated like the rich people's watches once I reminded myself lunch stuff studios at all clicked the main dial with the red hand is your on air time rotate the red minute hand can do this from the front of the clock to 60 once you start recording it will show the elapsed time in minutes so I can do

it physically from the front he said whoa like this I wind it back like that yeah start interesting the smaller black sub dials a normal clock adjusted from the back of the mechanism batteries are nailed and nail are in the box hammer the nail to the blue tape line don't blame the mechanism that is gorgeous I'm in love with this man and this clock I this is look at this that's real wood handcrafted wood I mean I got a splinter I respect wood hope you enjoy thanks for the laughs Michael Camillerie what time is it right now someone tell me what time it is two fifty nine all right three o'clock coming right up here I'll let

the people see it wow clean my clock really wind it second hand they're listening at home they're not gonna care for this tick-tock how about that hey that works that's about right look at that and then this is clicking we got a minute has passed analog I believe I got an analog of my pants I'll just hold this for the next 20 minutes or so that works boy we really could have used this before we started recording we got the nail here all right well the nail you nailed it yes that was awesome what a great gift because usually it's horse shit by whoa some guys sent some watches to speak in a horse shit yeah we got a

couple I think they're a calculator they're tight they're calculators yes yeah Casio calculators I gave one to my nephew and one to a homeless kid and they're loving it yeah they're really cool thank you appreciate it they send right to the comedy seller we both did sets last night we got a nice gift but gonna be hard to beat old beepy here this thing beeps more than my my sister's cunt on a Tuesday in the fall you got that right that was really something that was my sister's cunt mentioned be you nailed it okay folks but yeah this is all very exciting it's all pipes you got the announcement Chuck has been fired

this is last show ever it's his last day got a good run fat it's just the people have spoken yeah of course and bad and the gift card of a coobie some people showed up with Cheesecake Factory gift cards I think I got a ripper right here this is a Kelly rip check the ripper beauty baseline there we go it's a little aftershock oh it's a third it might not be good it's a little stale it smells like a cake with it's dry it might be cake holy shit I think you're underwear caked but I think I might be out of stories I don't know I got nothing I do what we do last night what do you say when you say things Sunday I drove

back from goobies I came back from a goobies but I did that this is a good move I like this move I mean it's not a good story but maybe you'll plug something in and we'll save it me on Rogan I'm like well is that my goobies I drove up I mean I could just it's just the word I can imagine what Reddit says about me I think Jamie fell asleep my nephew told me I was a piece of shit well he's got problems but we did the goobies were driving up and I always want to get out he hates Sunday driving it's like takes five hours and now I'm too old to drive all the way back from Timonium because I go to bed at 1215 wait to drive back

from Timonium on the night of the show night of the show yes I like to get it over with so I do this I'm like why don't we drive halfway we'll go to Cherry Hill New Jersey which I decided Philly that way we're north of Philly and that way we got two hours tonight cuz you're always jacked after the show yes but I don't want to drive till 2 a.m. also my garage closes the garage I'm dropping him in Brooklyn you got to go to Brooklyn then the whole thing so I go we'll get a hotel and then we'll stay at Brooklyn we'll wake up early in the in the 7s or the 8th a.m. we'll be home at 10 that is early so he goes great and I go I'll get

a hotel but I forget that it's inflation and Ukraine and Biden and then the pandemic and whatever so I go I got a couple hotels I go on hotels.com the rooms are like 475 wait wait wait you have a hotel in Timonium but I want to get halfway home. Oh the first I see the night of the night of we leave after the show drive two hours stay in the hotel wake up the next morning drive the rest of the way the cheapest hotel which is a shithole it was called Clarion. I know Clarion. Yeah it's Clarion which sounds like Claritin and then the next night I stayed at a hotel in Long Beach Long Island and that hotel was called

Allegria which sounds like Allegra. Oh. Claritin Allegra. Well hey don't stay at the Metamucil. We've really hit the bottom of the barrel here folks. The Sudafed Hotel is a sleeper. I might say the NAD in. Here we go. It was all air. Oh that was bad. That sounded like a turd. Well so anyways the hotel costs like like 600 bucks. It's hard to tell. No 300 each. You just blew your whole profit margin. I know that's what I think to do a weekend. I know. And so we drove up there was a nice feeling to get up there and sleep and then wake up early and leave but you're like that was an extra six hundo. Not worth it. When I booked

him I told him I'm like a club play pays 500 but they pay 75 a show so that was three times. So I had to give him 200. I spent about 900 dollars on this son of an onion. Aye aye aye. I netted a buck fifty. So I had to trade in the centra and buy a you know a bicycle. Yeah. Holy moly what a tough go. I mean this is what you should have just gotten there and you know done at night got home at two. You made you spent no money. I know it cost me six hundred dollars but I would have been sleep driving. I'm old. I want to be in bed. He could take the wheel. I'm not letting him drive my car. He's a vegan. It's a centra. You can't have

a vegan driving a motor vehicle. That's true. Delicate these these people. I got a boom boom like you wouldn't believe believe. Yeah. All right. Yeah. You don't want to vegan in charge of that. I guess maybe you want to vegan ride the horse because they'll treat it right. You don't want to buy a car wheel. Well I eat meat. I don't kick horses. You do. You got to kick them to to get them going. Oh yeah. That's a hit. You hit the ribs with the heel. Yeah. I'm not into that. I mean I eat animals. I eat chicken. I shove steak up my ass occasionally pork. I don't care for. I do. I pork my wife. Yeah. And you eat pussy. Clam. Not since I was 28 if I

eat the pussy. What are you DJ Khaled. But I still feel bad for animals. I'm not like this cow in the ass. You know I feel bad for him. I sit there and I go to the pork cow and then I eat it. Well there's got to be one animal on a farm going. Hey this ain't so bad. I got wide open spaces. The guy's fucking me. I think so. There's got to be some goats that are like this is great. I'm getting laid. I'm eating grass. No I think the sheep probably like getting fucked. Yeah. Why wouldn't they. And they just get shaved. They don't eat them. They shave them. They walk around with a sheep milk. Yeah that's easy. It's just someone jerks off. You come in a cup. That's true. That's true. You might

get a hair in there. All that. What do you call this. Shorn. What do you call it. Curls. What do you call that. The sheeps. They're the beaves. The main. The wool. Wool. Woolworms. Woolly mammoths. There you go. Woolly. Woolly. All right. Woolly. I forgot about wool. That's what wool is. I love sheep. I went to Wales. Everyone's like oh the sheep. That's a different animal. This is a sheep. Sheep stinks. I went to Wales the country. And the sheep are just beautiful. Like broke back. You watch broke back and the sheep for days and it's just spectacular. The rolling hills with the sheep. They're white and fluffy. Count face. Yes. Count sheep. Black face. What time is it. I don't know. That's the best episode of all time.

That's not bad. That works. All right. You got to go do. Are we drunk. I know. I got to go drink. Boy. It never ends. I haven't seen my lady since Hanukkah. I'm doing bonfire. My ears are already bleeding. Thinking about it. Crackle. Crackle. I'd like to crackle under pressure. But anyways. Yeah. I'm doing bonfire after this. And then I have the baseball show PBL Roundup. Check that out Wednesday nights. Nine Eastern to midnight. And that shows three hours. Well luckily it's an exciting sport. It's three. It's a great show. I love it. I'm proud to be part of it. I'm meeting so cool people. Jose Rijo. We had Gene Kelly was on or whatever. The actor. I made it the part of the Gene Kelly. But the rest is

true. Pete Rose. Oh Rosie baby. Kirby Puckett's coming over my house. It was a good time. It's funny. Prince and Curry Puckett both dead. Is that that crazy. Chris Rock said people don't. The only black people in Minnesota. Prince and Curry Puckett but now they're both dead. So according to Chris Rock there's no blacks in Minnesota. Well tell that to George Floyd. Was he Minnesota. Also dead. Oh yeah. Minneapolis. That's right. I mean there was a fucking riot. That's right. There certainly was. Things have gotten a lot better since then. All right. We got to wrap it up before we get canceled. Check out PBL Roundup. It's a fun show but that's what I was going to say is it's working. Look at that. It's working.

Yeah. You got clocked. It's working but the show is very very lengthy. I think two hours is good for anything. Don't you think. Yeah maybe not this. This is a good hour. This is two hours and one day. I'm dying. Plus the patreon. All right. Where are you going to be there. Dickless. Well I think I'm can't. I think my movie had 7% on rotten tomatoes. You got that right. Right now. Right this moment. You can walk off. You're in New York City or anywhere nearby. You can go to the Angelica cinemas East Village and go buy a ticket and watch the movie and please do fill it up. Popcorn candy soda and then July 6th. Is that this Wednesday or next Wednesday. I think it's next next next Wednesday next

next. Is that right. No it's this Wednesday tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Tomorrow. I forgot this is the number two app tomorrow. Well tonight I'm in Whitefish Montana with the baseball PBL Roundup. You're not going to want to miss that. That you want to see. So tomorrow if you're at home watch PBL Roundup. You're going to see me playing baseball. It's going to be fun. Crazy. Shag and fly balls. The whole thing in Montana. But also July 6th. There's a bunch of AMC theaters. Check your local list at 7 30 p.m. one night only. We got to sell these out tomorrow night. It's all over Jersey all over the place. So go do that. Go see it please. Any road stuff. Oh of course road July 29th. August I got Nashville coming up in August. I love

I got the Hartford funny bone coming up. I got a few things. I'm fucked. I'm wiped. Yeah we're all wiped. Wipe my ass. I'm at Houston Improv San Antonio lol Lexington Kentucky comedy off Bradway. We did the Irvine Improv wise guys this weekend in Salt Lake City. Motherfucker. Then comedy connection in what's that called Providence province West Palm Beach Improv. That's a big room Richmond funny bone. Brea Improv Wilbur Theater Neptune Theater the Portland something or other something in New Haven. I think the Hawthorne Music Hall Danbury Danforth Orlando Improv maybe Vancouver Toronto. Give it a goog. New Orleans are coming to the joy. Give it a goog. Look it up. Praise Allah. We might be drunk out to lunch. I hate myself. This year's material.

They get that right. Yeah. All right. And yeah. Can we fit up Chuck killing it. Get on the Patreon. Get a mug. Get a shirt. Get a handy. Patreon is sick killer bro. It's fire and your things out now right 109 would be out at this point. Oh boy. Next Thursday. So we got a new video out and all kinds of Q&A and also check it out. Give it a whirl. We love you. I'm gay.