Tuesdays with Stories! - #462 Nancy Cans

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

Joe goes to Central Park and is taken aback by a topless woman in a wheelchair. Mark's merch goes missing, and the guys battle studio construction. Joe becomes a pro baseball player, and he accidentally invites one of his fellow players to be part of a throuple. Go Paddleheads!  Sponsors:  - Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Tuesdays for 10% off your first month.  - Support the show and quit smoking naturally with Füm. Save 10% by using code TUESDAYS at https://www.breathefum.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com - Visit https://www.manscaped.com/Tuesdays - Support the show and get up to 34% off some sweet new metal art with the code TUESDAYS at https://displate.com/tuesdayswithstories?art=624740987334c  Our Stuff:  - Subscribe to our Patreon for the ad-free version of the show, weekly bonus episodes, and more! patreon.com/tuesdays - Subscribe to our YouTube channel here for full video of every episode: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy blue brutal bleep bleep blop bloop we're back hey some problems we're doing it sorry a lot of stuff going on a lot of cookies a lot of baked goods uh juxtaposing this person you just you say a name I don't

even know is it your sister your wife I have no idea who this person is Jen don't say her name we don't want her to get into the pot we want to give her a royalty or something he's fucking Betty Crocker how about that nothing but you're begging a little Debbie over here it's nothing but baked goods and I feel like you're gonna save the Girl Scouts with this shit you're one of these guys that just throws names out oh Susan's coming who the fuck Susan I don't know Sue I don't like Sue we've talked about Jen I know but you never explained who's Jen I don't want to know their names I like to look at

them like objects there's a bunch of holes you're fucking she's in Philadelphia it's he remembers that he'll remember the states better than the names yes that's a city she bashed up some cookies here they're very good but they're full of nuts I went to bite into it big nuts and I think you can bite into it oh you went to thank God back into the left thank God I think right before the bite it was like a slow-mo I peek and I go what the hell is this and there's some nuts in here and you can't call a chocolate chip cookie with nuts a chocolate chip cookie I'm with you on that one I'm with you on that one this is

not so much a piece of chocolate chip and nut cookie and it's 2027 I might have a fucking nut allergy who knows that's true he could die maybe this is your plan you slowly trying to kill the lanky what's the seat he was gonna make you something with a new allergen in it but you see my point I see the point it's a good point he could have died he's he's a bit of a quiff you never know a nut could take him down you should see his back I mean I don't have a nut allergy I drink come every morning for breakfast but I'm just saying it's like I've made your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and then the semen in it yeah

you gotta say peanut butter jelly and semen yeah that does not sell well yeah I tried that at a bake sale it also looks drier than my mother's twat on New Year's Eve 86 yeah I can vouch that's a sandstorm down there but they're pretty good you dip in the coffee Jen great job from Philly appreciate it apparently are more than just an anal yeah blow me Jen I'm only kidding I appreciate it's very sweet and I did show it this is I think this is a little gangster is that right is that right yeah well this is obviously gangster this is very 90s with the spandex underneath the shots oh yeah that's right but I showed up my own

chocolate chucks like we got chocolate chip cookies from Jen and I showed up with a nice Starbucks sans nuts delicious look at this it's like a pile of rocks oh Jen's slitting her wrist somewhere in Staten Island right now I'm only kidding Jen these are great and I did have one it was very very good and I appreciate it and I don't have a nut allergy because I'm not a fucking queer oh boy don't get me started on gluten your queefs what the hell is gluten I worked out my gluten by doing some squats hi folks really on today hey gluten-free by the way I had a Steve Glutenberg I went to equinox I was the

only one down there I love this equinox you should get it on equinox it's very fun it's $400 a year no it's 300 bucks a month that's even worse but yeah yeah I know I the steam is is nice and it's very comforting and that you walk in it's full Zen ha the steam everywhere there's hot women there's gays it's great yeah and then they have little all over the place little refrigerators with rounded rolled up towels filled with eucalyptus eucalyptus yes and you take one I just huff it like a fucking like a method like a paper bag I just huff it and you can feel in your eyeballs and your asshole and it really changes the

molecules of your soul that eucalypt is underrated I used to go to this Armenian barber and I mean the guy was a little rough with me he'd slap you around he with a towel you know when they go too hard on the towel at the end yeah like what are you doing there Chachi but he would hit you with a eucalyptus and he would have a straw and the towel was like it would you would transform he'd go somewhere else he'd come out you know Elliott Page it was great something about that you're in the dark with the towel on he was like waterboarding and then ah you wake up yeah it's nice those Armenians they really know how to do

they don't know how to drive but other than that they really I don't really know much about Armenia well Kardashians are our means no kidding that's a fun fact yeah I know Glendale California that's like the Armenian capital my friend Chris Walsh lives there speaking of Huffin I feel like in our day back when we were banging you'd see a lot of guys hitting the paper bag remember that the hyperventilating guy what were they doing there's no paper bag guy anymore I think they figured out that's no good I think you're right because that was supposed to be helpful it was all mental I think I remember driving with Paul

and our dizzy one time and this is my panic attack period funny really bad one of the funniest ever and we I was having like a panic attack and he's like I think breathe out of a paper bag yeah alright but it kind of helped because it felt like he was concerned and then you do start deeper breathing but then I think you're just breathing recycled air right yeah I don't recycle but the paper bag was big you know what else is big I lost the contact you never see that anymore right what's going on maybe they got better laser eye laser eye happens and occasionally but I remember ski patrol remember that movie oh with

galf a neck no I'm talking from the 80s I'm thinking out cold oh similar genre ski patrol I think Michael Winslow is in it or a guy similar I might be racist for saying that was how many blacks with sound effects are there I don't know did sound effect but I saw it when I was seven so don't shoot me but just shoot me that was a whole different show George Siegel uh-huh block of seagulls but he had there was a scene where he was really sleepy the black comedic actor maybe not Winslow might have been Omar Epps or something I don't know who it was don't trust this plot he painted eyes on his

and it was a gag that you remember Chuck I remember dying laughing maybe I've already talked about it I bring it up every couple days it's that funny on that that hit you so hard you hit you bring it up every you was in your wedding vows you brought this thing up because he's sitting there like this he's got these big bright eyes it looks so you gotta pull that up I gotta see this what a funny bit and then for some reason it's gonna sound horrific but the fact that he's black is funnier well it makes it pop it makes it pop the white of the white pop you know we have those through evolution so you people know

where you're looking that's like that's like a survival well what do they say though I think I was Washington or whatever they say don't shoot till you see the whites of their assholes or whatever it was take it was John Paul Jones or Jimmy Page one of the Led Zeppelin guys Robert plant that might have been plant big bulge but there was that one but they also had in ski patrol a contact gag where like the hot chick loses her contact and the whole mountains looking for cuz they think they're gonna get laid and then like some nerds like did somebody lose a contact they all go that's fun yeah it

was a fun bit ski patrol look at me give me a year on that a rotten tomatoes and an African-American star if you know I want to see these googly eyes ski patrol is 1990 okay okay so right for the scene I'm trying to find the scene you got a YouTube googly eye Negro ski patrol painted eyes yeah that's so that's so funny because when I was banging back when I was a kid in the 80s member MacGyver who you're talking about and they slides under the door I was obsessed with my guy I love MacGyver because they had to come up with it was basically life hacks but you know and they'd save your life it wasn't just

like hey get a light bulb socket out of the cucumber or whatever it was a real hack and me too yeah hashtag and so this kid they were on a bus and the bus flipped over a ravine and it flipped 13 times these Cub Scouts are you know they need sandwiches and peanut butters with with bananas and semen nuts and nuts and one of the kids had asthma and so he's just the fat kids in the back like you know and they're all freaking out they go what do we do and they go he isn't hailer must have fallen out the window in the crash and they go oh my god so MacGyver slides in and he's got perfect hair he takes out a washcloth there's

some kind of rag he pours water on it from a water bottle takes a little mini fan of those fans and gays used to cool themselves in the parade and he put the washcloth in front of the kids face and put the fan behind it and it breathed moist air into his face and that's basically what an inhaler is and I never forgot it wow going around waiting for this fat kid with asthma to pop up but I'm like I got it I would tackle him and you know spit in his mouth I don't know what chucks up too later but not bad chucks not bad I feel bad we had a heart-to-heart Jen she's gonna give you gonna lose a

toe in a year well she knows she knows that you're on the out you're gonna skip town you're looking thin you got you have a good gig the hair is looking nice so she's trying to chubby up or kill you with this nut allergy mm-hmm but yeah MacGyver ruled Henry Winkler I loved Murdoch when it was a you wanted a Murdoch episode who's the guy I don't have time to smell cause same actor that's him that's him that's Murdoch never knew fun guy wow love the Murdoch did you find it I can't find the scene I can't there's a bunch of scenes from it but it's like skiing contests right right this would probably be in the lodge

maybe image what's the actor's name maybe find the actor now you got some homework Chuck's so bummed he just wants to hang and listen and he's we got him working over there come on Jamie pull it up you missed a good Chuck hang yesterday in the park oh how was the parking it was okay it was small oh well it was great I guess give me some names it was good we had Jason canner we had Steve big dick big dick Rogers we had Chavone Chavone's dame Sarah oh he's got a new dame Chuck and Larry Stephen Gris this is a real who's who of who are these yeah it wasn't the credits were a little light on the hang yeah bottom of the barrel

here hey needed Jen to show up with her fucking cookies but it was nice it was but you know what we realized we have where we've aged out of sitting on the ground we all hit 40 or whatever the whole time we're all going oh my back because there's eight coins and you're sitting on your ankle so canner and I threw the ball around for a while but these guys don't know how to throw a ball so all right but it was decent decent hang it was very steamy yeah a little warm women the beer guy come by beer guy and then I did my classic listy where I fucked everybody he's like I got cocktails white claw and I was

playing baseball so I went these guys love white claw Chuck you like white claw and then I just watched them all buy drinks they didn't want to buy it's a great move yeah and you got me once with the tip you know you better tip the guy big he you know how to this out here and I'm like that's a fun move fun fun gag did you ever do this where you'd say you'd have your friend in the car you're like my mark wants Burger King can he doesn't want to say it can you get that was a great move I do that to the openers all the time I go he wanted ice cream he's a dainty bitch and then they bring ice cream and I eat it that's

a good move fun move but I have the worst car friend thing of all time where I was like nine or ten we were driving past this bar and it has like a huge like mermaid as the sign and she's topless but the the bar like name is like a scroll that goes across and like you know I'm like nine an elbow I'm like hey I'm like check out those boobs and my mom's in the front and his mom's in the front and he goes yeah yeah hey mom Chuck's talking about boobs what a snitch wow hey I hope you threw him out of the car I bet the mom's a little bit like this nice you know you want your son to suck on boobs sure yeah so you don't want

raise a little little fairy there what do you got how about TK Carter does that sound like the right guy I don't know Carter sounds right he was on a punky Brewster yeah yeah that's how I remember him you conflate all the stuff because I was eight folks I was eight when you ate your conflate let me let me let me see the photo if I may yes he was in a bunch of things he was hot back then yes TK Carter all right what else was he in yeah he was the cool teacher in punky Brewster how do you like that funky rooster mm-hmm it was in the thing oh yes I love the thing me too by the way great hang last night you missed

the great great hang you should move to a story I know because we had we had the whole gang out there nighttime cigars me Ronan Steve Rogers and Siobhan and then Sarah joined and everybody was like I'll try one of these cigars we had a whole thing it was like a red Arbok hang it was just a cloud of smoke oh everybody it was really fun that's a good time now Siobhan is is he recovering from that horrific Hiroshima bomb he had at the live well yeah I don't know I don't know it would be the same that was pretty bad he I mean someone threw egg at him yesterday I'm gonna walk to the park I was drinking when I threw that but I it's

nice to see he's got a new dame great dame sweet dame great dame and then he came by we shot a little video right that should be out sometime yeah next couple months yeah that's right yeah we'll see that 2024 Trump will be president people are hearing this and they're like I'm the patreon like you piece of shit you're letting them down I'm like I'm like do you think the bits on the show it's funny somebody sent one all the comments on a video that you had nothing to do with it was like a video my friend Mark Brady shot and actually you you cut it up like immediately within like ten minutes and they're like what did it

take nine months on this one it's pretty fun maybe they were just doing the bit to that's the fun part yeah yeah I think they just do it I'll pay extra to get that video because we got a big Wednesday no they're not they're like you're a piece of shit you're in over your head stop working for them like you don't deserve this spot like all the stuff like that well yeah some some knowledge in there but yeah yeah where the hell you did you hit the road this weekend where was I this I was home I was home this weekend did my first spots in like two and a half weeks I took a long time off hiatus nice hiatus and I

was back at the cellar and stand and it's hot you forget Saturday when it's Saturday 7 30 show at the cellar oh my god it's been years I mean take a weekend off and put in say I'm available before 9 so you get the sweet spot I was like prior on sunset stripping there yeah I was like I had a red suit on I'm murdering people were just like throwing come at me like multiple migs yeah saying the n-word you got a mess yeah wow you let yourself on fire I know it is it's been a while but when I was when you we were a newer comic that spot that weekend at the cellar you hung there all night you drank there you did your 18

sets in all the different rooms white hot crowd and it's date night the everybody's dressed up yeah there's an energy on the weekends McDougal streets a buzz it was something and I did a 7 and 7 30 V you and seller and it was still daylight oh I left it was nice I went to the stand did a couple there stand was fine whatever folks as you know almost always Tuesday's with stories is brought to you by sheath underwear and lucky for you guys you can see mine right now just spraying out of my shorts sheath underwear look at that double sheath two sheaths in the wind us armies I mean it says personal endorsement here

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underwear and let them support your balls yeah where you at on Dennis Miller I'm not sure I don't know what to think about I did I got very upset when he tweeted about Michelle yeah I didn't like that either but the old stuff was funny oh he's great and such a huge influence on the people that are influenced me right right man scape man scape would like to introduce you to their best and biggest hygiene bundle yet the platinum package 4.0 man scape is already the leader in below the waist grooming now trust them with the whole shebang I love man scape I feel confident I drop trow sure I'm not that

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love anime display it also features officially licensed designs including Star Wars Netflix and many more they sent one to me I didn't know what it was I was like who is this from this must be from somebody that loves me I'm not even kidding I was like who on earth sent this to me I was it Louis was it Chuck was it I have no idea somebody with money sent me a cool gift turns out it was from display and it's hanging right above my wall above my bed I mean not above the wall that would be crazy on the wall above my bed it only takes 20 seconds to hang even I did it and I'm a moron no power tools needed no

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that's display dot com Tuesdays code gee whiz I need some food code Tuesdays or click the link in our show notes I love this thing go look into some and get yourself one it's a lot of fun yes but I got a couple things that I must please please about here we fall over my face notes here what is it something hold on I wrote down some things and I'm like this is big oh this is big well this one Chuck's involved in so the fans might hate it but they're not gonna like this so yesterday we go to the park so whatever hang and this one is I gotta do some careful step in here because you know I don't want to hurt any feelings

upset anybody so you might have to chime in with some zingers I'll try but we're in the park it's about 150 degrees we get a nice spot in the shade right by the entrance of sheep meadow yes the crown jewel of New York City if you ask me it's the clit it's the real clit so we're sitting there a nice little group hang and I'm throwing the ball around and a lot of people I don't know what the right term is I don't want to I don't like to be offensive okay when we were kids it was handicap cripple I believe cripple was I think I read that was before us even but okay okay I think it might be differently able is that right it's a

lot of it just feels like I had syllables you're okay differently able there's also hand capable I think that might have been a joke yeah sure handy snack what else is it what is it now look up someone I think differently abled is it might be differently have a special needs okay well these were special needs folks and they had the electric wheelchair they were they were like little folks I have seen these they were little little guys but they're adults yeah but they're not little people they're not midget they're like persons with disabilities persons but so a bunch of vague a bunch of persons with disabilities

show up but they're not little people like Nick Davicky a little person right they're like they're little and they need assistance walking a preemie maybe a preemie maybe a preemie I don't know okay so they're coming in and there's a whole gang of them it's like a biker guy it's like 17 of them oh boy and they're wheeling in coming in and whatever you know where it's happening it's over there they're over there we're over here we're having a nice time a couple of rascals I throw the old ball around with old JK Jason Kenner I come back to the group and my wife Sarah says you see the tits and I perk up you know me I love tits more

than I love you know sports I love a set of tits who doesn't love tits that's why we hire Chuck so yes good to have you don't lose those or else you're out of a job he says have you seen the tits now I perk because I'm excited because I love a set of tits and there's women everywhere so immediately I start scanning I'm trying to like hide that I'm like you know how you like when your wife is like wow she's hot you try to be like this which one but you're like oh my god let me see this you're like I saw her an hour ago already do so I look around and I'm looking over here assuming it's not in the wheelchair department mm-hmm I'm

looking over here she goes no no it's over here in the in the wheelies oh boy and I look and ding dong big ol set of handy capable cans wait I mean so this lady showed up and just well is she a little she's little I mean she's the tits of her legs she has leg issue because she walked but her legs were like very little and she kind of did like a waddley things like a cowboy like a cowboy like cowboy legs underdeveloped legs but fully developed titties so she's off the chair she came off the chair I didn't see how she dismounted I missed that I don't know she just kind of ducked and fell forward I don't know what happened

jumped and bounced off the tits maybe she slipped I don't know how I don't know if someone dumped her lean the chair over she spilled right off but she was just sitting there having a talk and there was about 20 of them a whole group and she's just shooting the shit like we are but I never really take a full look I look what side where's the video well it's it's it's a person in a wheelchair with their breasts out in Central Park I wasn't gonna take a pull they were behind me Joe Joe was facing them I was facing they were behind me but you really you're really bailing busted me if you sit me out to dry I looked

from the side I saw him from the side and I got the banana shape that's what I saw oh bananas slight banana but there was a lot of circumference okay okay and they were also they were off they were like googly eyes like one was fully they look like stage lights and somebody bumped into it so it pushed over here when you bump your head you're like oh shit alright we got to get the gaffer in well the best boy it was pointed in each direction but they were sizable can't wow these might have been DC DC Benny see good good comic book but it almost seems like the Lord himself was like I'm putting everything I got into

the cans the rest that's you're on your own yeah he skipped leg day exactly but it was really something so I kept peeking over there and it fell a little bit like a tells joke I don't want to use the our word great those titties ain't retired there you go that's how I'm quoting but yeah long COVID I may be it sounds like it long tits I wonder if she's on the only fans could be I mean it is curious right she's already in a wheelchair that's a weird decision and she's obviously proud of them she went out in the biker gang hit the sunshine and said I'm one of you normies out here I'm taking my shirt off like any

other lady well here's the thing it's like she has some kind of maybe it's muscular dystrophy might be that she's got some kind of muscular skeletal problem but her brain she's obviously a normal person sure who says hey I'm a liberated lady free the nipple yeah but it's interesting because she was working the circle she was walking around and I just wonder if the rest of the group was like what's up with Nancy she's got her tits out what is she doing well I think it's probably her thing you know these guys are like I don't want to go to the park it's a whole thing with the hay fever and the bugs and the sun

but then they're like but we get to see Nancy you know so it's worth the trek for the the knobs well it was quite a sight and a nice pair of cans and I'm grateful for any pair of cans that I get to see even if it's in you know Shinla's list or whatever it's nice to be like hey there's a set it sucks for ladies because I guess you get another guy with a nice ab or an arm you see that out on the beach and a woman goes hey look at the look at the arms on Johnson but if a dick or a ball pops out it's like appalling it's called the police they go to therapy they go lesbian but we have a tit and it's a

joyful moment it was so joyful it was fun but yeah not overly sexual but you know it's a pair of tits they were nice they were nice tits and I'm more just interested in the personality of like well whatever my tits are out out of the watch yeah well she's a tiddly challenged but damn I'm curious I want to see him especially on a small lady I wonder if a boob looks bigger like on a tiny guy with a big horse dog it looks even bigger good point I guess hmm I said like Vita and then you said vice a versa and I said Vita vice a versa Vita wow three V's at the same time yes Vita Las Vegas but yeah it was

quite a sight I mean check that was that was something I was I was it's weird because I was like is this kind of like a you know I'm proud of myself I'm gonna I don't care I don't care that I think you're in a wheelchair I'm happy with my life yeah well I think it's great too I think these folks in wheelchairs I'm sure they have moments of like fuck my life I wish my life was like that but I think for the most part you accept your life this is the life I'm living and they just they go they deal with it like if we have been living for 40 years walking around with our legs and we went to a wheelchair would probably be like oh

my god remember my life used to be like but you're born that way you kind of you used to it you accept it's all you know Michael J Fox what happened in a wheelchair no I think I mean he has Parkinson's like severely but I think he's like very positive haha well they say the psychologically you go back to where your baseline is like if you lost your legs you'd be fucked up for a couple months but eventually you go back to a general disposition that you were had before there's a documentary about this where they took like five people who won the lottery and five people who went paralyzed and the paralyzed people at

the end of the whole thing are happier than the lottery winners because you win the lottery and you hit you hit the roof happiness why you think it's gonna bring you joy exactly and then you plummet and then you spend all the money you go into debt you're whatever you have a speedboat that you never use now they're depressed the wheelchair guy who got hit by a car who can't move is like not life isn't worth living and then three years go by and he does the weird thing on the you know what is that we call our little bars thank you paralyzed bars and he gets his shit together and he goes hey I'm actually

lucky to be alive he's happier you gotta put some gratitude your attitude but I wonder the numbers if they're about I bet they're about even for handy capable folks to you know regulars I bet the percentage of depression probably about the same probably about the same half the people I know that are walking around with two legs are so depressed oh they're Debbie Downer for sure now let me ask you this let me throw this one out you fatty let's say tits weren't legal I think they are now since 1992 we looked at hell out of yes we looked it up it blew my mind wow tits legal before weed yes way before gay marriage wow okay

let's say they weren't legal and you're a popo you're the fuzz you're a copper hmm would you tell old tiny to button up yeah interesting well I think we've talked about this yesterday I don't think anybody does anything anymore in New York City what do you mean there's no disciplining of any kind oh yeah like you got people just smoking crack on the side like literally and people like throwing shit at people people drunk in public people smoking cigarettes I don't think there's any amount of like hey you can't do that yeah but yeah I don't know I would let it fly first of all I don't it's a silly law it's wow what what's

a dog well a dog is different a lot of people try to equate dog and tits but I feel like one is a genital and one is a bosom vagina and dick equal okay I hear you tits and pecs folks say aren't equal I don't think those are equal tits are worth more than pecs that's true although pecs are harder to get tits you just they grow pecs you gotta work yeah pecs you gotta work well you have pecs but you gotta work on to make them better yes yes tits because some people have no tits that's true too but they can buy them can you buy a peck you could probably put something in there I'm sure they could do something you could buy a

trainer I guess but they're hard but pecs are useful you can pick stuff up well tits can feed good point I have a point yes mama tits fee that's more important than lifting because lifting you can get someone to lift yeah get someone to feed you okay well we're really breaking down the knob here yeah stop being funny a couple minutes ago all right all right well my point is yeah you're a copper you see a little with the tit out you let it slide I'm letting it slide the lady sunshine on get the sun on those games I think if they were like hey get this lady with the tits out get this guy selling the cigarettes I'd

be like well I did see a crazy methodic jumping on cars and spitting at people maybe we should grab him I had a horrible my parents were in town two weeks ago and I'm like I'm taking it they'll we're walking around the city I'm like what should we do my dad's like well let's stop in a nice place and have a drink and I go sure we go to the Jane hotel crack guys won't crack around those steps and I'd be like excuse me sir we like you know my 78 year old dad is walking next to the it's just a bummer it's scary but there should be more there's less things there should be more tickets ticket ticket you give a crack at a

ticket he's gonna smoke reefer well I'm saying not for the crack it I'm saying for the selling Lucy's having your tits out you know a loiter there you go is your ticket get out of here move on you son of an onion well the broken window theory what's the broken window that's that's where old Giuliani when people liked him right he had the theory of like if you can you got to start at the beginning you know we all we all wait till a city's in hawk it's going through hell there's guys selling a anal on the corner and doing crack out of their dickhole then you crack down but you got to crack down early the early crackdown

that's when he didn't stop and frisk and then we get we won't even let that you see that broken window in the bad neighborhood we won't even let that happen right might have to give that a go because I'm sure I explain that horribly well whatever Giuliani was the he was that boy he was on top oh he was on SNL there Seinfeld yeah he was rolling yeah and now my dad's on crack I think the broken window is also like if you clean up the spray paint they'll try they'll be nice because it looks nice yeah something yeah chicken of the egg I can't remember but yeah you really cleaned it up he did for a minute he was

an Italian from Brooklyn but boy did he go go for cocoa puffs oh yeah but his daughter's in porn is that right that is correct sign of a great dad but I don't describe all right we got we got a focus over well I got like life I just got back from I've been looking at Giuliani quotes for the last half hour yeah so I've just got back from Mormon country I gotta tell you it was just one of those great weekends it was like no hitch Will Smith movie I mean just flew out there flight was on time which I'm now appreciative of you know he's be like yeah I got on a flight it took me there it said the time now I'm here but now I'm

like thank you guys I'm shaking the pilot's hand today I'm kissing him hotel was great Sean Murphy opened he's a killer and sold out shows Keith is the band great club great crowds fun weekend not a hitch no hit I feel bad bring it up no glitch no glitch well I had a similar weekend except a homeless guy chased me and screamed at you might remember wait oh and Salt Lake yeah that guy Keith his first class he feels like a you know they have like comics comic he's like a comics owner right I think a comic as well he was a comic yeah but so nice just a good guy and great room I hope to be back and boy that's fun the

only hitch I guess was and I don't want to I don't want to downplay or shit talk or que for whatever you call it but my merch guy I said hey I said a merch looking because it wasn't there and he ships it out to the club and he was like I sent that a week ago here we go turns out oh long COVID it's like nine of those clubs is like Ogden oh you know I pork Chester Rochester whatever Chesterfield cigarette and it went to the wrong one oh so they go hey this is it for us and so they just left it in the old UPS warehouse down in Colorado so we didn't get the merch but that was it so then he goes I'll hook you up in

Houston free merch so he paid it back but would have been nice to have some yeah you could like that Murray yeah you want to get that much on the meal don't you he has a joke about condoms so he sells condoms out so he's cleaning up really it's a brilliant pitch because he has the bit already in the bit kills and people here the five bucks I want to get one he says he's not like Costanza hold to me I can't quit now I saw Murphy we came he came to the Grove 34 we had a hell of a hang he's a fan nice hang I've never seen you two in the same place so I don't know if I buy it it's a similar look I tried to well

that hurts but I tried to I tried to put him on the show and he did this thing he goes I don't want to fuck up the lineup so I said all right yeah I wish he had gone on I tried to put him on the show he's good I know he's good I know the guy I've seen the guy I've gone after him and I go I'm a different guy in the crowd laughs I don't know what that was about wonder why didn't go on what are you not going on for I don't know he said well a lineup set and I said all right huh I mean I'm not gonna go please come on we need you you know there's some guys out there in comedy who are just like gung-ho and they're they're

obsessed they won't they're too aggressive like hey what are you doing your bar mitzvah let me do it let me do it well you're cutting the kids can let me do a set you go all right easy cha-chi he's the opposite I see he's the other spectrum or whatever yeah this is my advice to young comics don't reach out asking to get on shows because that's annoying but if someone goes you want to go on you say yes yes yes and he's not even a young comic he's 58 years old he's been in comedy for 37 years oh yeah he'll be dead soon but we had this guy Trey doing the filming stuff this kid was too cute he was like

obsessed with comedy he was asking a million questions and then I'm turning into Ebenezer Scrooge out here dying I'll see long cove I got it there it was a little jizz in the back have a coffee have a cough drop or a cookie oh the cough drop yeah probably these dry I'm like Moses in here I'm walking the desert all that dry yeah but yeah so this kid is just filming doing a great job super cool writing jokes backstage and on the last show I go you want to do a guest set he goes I'd love to but he never asked I like that's why I gave it to him because he didn't ask and then he did it had a good sense yeah tray

lamb check him out the other way lambie he's on the lamb lamb chop why do you know I ain't got a chance to talk too much about the baseball I played professional baseball forgot whoa MLB BLM very different yes hey there folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by better help alright you have to take care of your mind first and foremost it's all you have it's how you perceive everything is through your own mind so take care of it we spend so much time taking care of our skin our hair and our teeth and so little care of the important body part the brain love the brain how well you take care of your

brain affects how you experience life investing time and energy and mental health is crucial to be happy eating right working out and getting plenty of sleep are a good start but there is no substitute for talk therapy I completely agree I'm reading this but I also agree better help makes online therapy accessible convenient and affordable therapy is so important because you're really yet you talk it out you get some expert advice your friends are morons they're not gonna help you at all they just say some nonsense it doesn't make any sense get a licensed professional and you can do that by using better help

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upset I don't know what's going on with you he doesn't care for us just making a lot of sound effects I don't know what's going on I'll mention Michael Winslow what's his name again JT Perry for who TK Carter TK Carter we should get him on the show I bet he do it I think he needs work but what if you just sat here with the eyelids painted the whole show we didn't mention him we didn't even bring it up just kept doing our bullshit like this with a big yeah we're just quiffing and quaff it and lunch and fatty and he didn't even say a word what's wrong we asked him about the set of police

Academy he's just livid TK is not laughing how amazing was that police Academy set it's so funny those 80s comedies because they would just be like okay Michael J Fox you're the sound effect we'll get just we'll just write in a scene where you he every walks downstairs like chasing a bad guy and there's an open mic and he goes all right I'll sign up or he walks on stage and they the spotlight hits somebody's like okay and he just goes into a full set you know it's such 80s horseshit but it was as a kid when he did Jimmy Hendricks I mean come on that was gold it was all gold the beeps the sweeps the machine gun

oh it's great yeah he was fun he wasn't in ski patrol it turns out different guy well what can you do yes different black but anyways I was out there in Montana which is a hell of a state whitefish show Montana yes home of the Glacier range riders that's the newest team in the pioneer baseball we by the way Wednesday nights check out PBL roundup with me and Tom Brennan and Bill Vasey BBL all right so I go out there they go and have me embedded with the team like a like a like a war journalist and you know this is a big dream I got to sign a contract I went to the office and there should be a video coming soon

this guy the guy that produces our show is worse than Chuck he makes Chuck look like fucking Bob Woodward or something oh wow Woodward yeah Bernstein I was someone with a deadline I liked it wasn't bad yeah but this is wild a pro ball it's a DiMaggio mantle list list baby so I went out there and signed the old contract I met my skipper I love saying skipper it's what I mean who's skipper skipper is the manager that's what you call the manager in baseball yay skip a skipper I've heard skipper I didn't know a skipper I love that he's the skipper and him skip or is that is he not a captain he's not managing this

team that's a for a man I'm begging you to do bonuses please I'm here I'm at the stairs yeah all right skip this means edit that video a little quicker if you don't mind this means a less dry cookie over here yeah and a little salt in the top wouldn't kill you accentuates the sweet yes sweet and salty come have we done an episode where water didn't land somewhere water all right continue with the baseball she's foaming at the mouth it's just a good ep I can't even tell I'm loving it but I'm jacked up from the dry jacked up cracked up and crazy so I go out there I signed the contract I got a skipper Michael's his name I couldn't

remember his name I kept calling him skipper big Mike then there was we had two two coaches because it's a small club here it's a small league and it was Jeff and wit and I can't remember who's who but one of them I think it was I think it was wit okay he's like ripped he's like he's like he's got to be in his like late 40 the best body I've ever seen in my life and he's got that baseball stank on him yeah but he's fun and funny and sweet dip no dip I love a dip on a man well I think the people are learning now it's like you know you got to be careful or a cancer yeah so I go out there I meet the coaches and I

relate to them more because they're older you know the players are like 11 years old these are young whippersnappers right I'm 40 they're 22 23 college kids met some cool guys by the guy next to me Dan Swain J fun names out here good name with skip he's got the cool glasses and he's like a bullpen guy I hung out with the bullpen guys that's the cool you got to meet a baseball team you go out with the bullpen fellas okay the BPF's cuz they're out there they're crazy and there was another guy from Queens named Johnny perfect Italian cliff it looked like Chris D had the same swoopy shaved hey Johnny okay baby

from Queens go Mets and it was exciting and they got PB and J's that's a minor league staple they're all eating peanut butter and shit because they make 1200 bucks a month what 1200 a month they live with like a host families these guys no I'm telling you it's like violent volunteer fireman out here it's a tough life and you know when professional baseball players sometimes they get hurt they go and they have like a rehab assignment the miners so you have like like Jordan you have like a star yes in the minor league and it's customary to buy everyone a meal you buy because you're the hot shit well you make ten million

dollars a year and they make 40 bucks a day take them out the pizza hut so I thought I should be the guy I should buy everybody some nice meal now we're thinking but I'm not I'm not Barry Barnes over here well compared to these shlubs you're making a penny especially in whitefish I can't imagine the prices are too high well comparatively but then you get 25 guys 25 times 25 is eight million or something that's a lot that's tough six thousand it's kind of like when you go to the bar and you go fuck it I got the next round of shot shots for everybody you're like one two three that's eight fucking people they

shot the nine dollars each a fucked yeah so the Lee I told the league he's a well set him up with some food I said hey great nice God so anyways I go in there and I'm a little nervous because they came off an 18 hour road trip they're driving my bus mmm these poor guys they really love the game huh well normally they have that on an off day but the league fucked them so they took like a 16 hour bus ride through the night to the ballpark so it was bad timing because I'm like hey I'm the comedian fun guy that was a biggest part of all the construction it's not like Faris Bueller's yeah Jesus that's why I think

this is 9-11 that's good but I think it was worse than that I don't know it was made up Giuliani so juice the building and he did any shit what about the hell was I even say it I didn't find the meals they showed up they're all they're all tired and anxious and I'm like hey I'm the new guy I think it's gonna be fun they're like fuck you get out of here so I had to really ingratiate and the whole time I'm like I think they hate me should have bought the meal I know the meal you thought someone hated you get the hell out of town well they all know each other the whole thing that's true the outside nerd from Queens I'm the

outside asshole so I'm gonna go shag some flyballs take BP it's very exciting it's quite a thrill and Michael my boss who's the president of the league his name is on the ball he says when's the last time you shag fly balls during live batting practice I said I'm gonna say 23 years ago and he said well I'm just gonna warn you the ball is is deeper than you think and it's hit harder than you think and I said all right you son of a bitch I played baseball for 20 years I think I know what I'm doing yeah went out there and every single ball I thought I was camped under it and I didn't catch a single ball I wanted to

kill myself oh my god player I'm a baseball guy I feel that some nice grounders very emasculating but I mean I would be right there and just I got a hold off I'll talk right through it I might just get right through it what do I supposed to do what are we gonna sit here all day there you go we're back these balls and and then we're in we're there you go we're in the mountains the ball carries extra what the players are saying that they're like the ball carries it's not you and I'm like thank you they were nice they took pity on me Chuck is making a face is this horrible we're gonna be able to listen it's gonna be

bad news people are not gonna like this we will give it like a minute all right we'll give it a bin I got so many questions about these balls so you're gonna edit this yeah I'm making timestamps right now to cut it out you know all right so anyway my dad then it's BP time batting practice so now I'm like I got a really impressed by the way the thing that's crazy about these baseball guy they're so blasé about the ball because they're doing this all day so when you're they're doing batting practice the guy throwing batting practice doesn't give a shit about anyone in the outfield okay just focused on

the hitter so he's just throwing the ball over and over again so the ball is just flying all over the fucking field so every time you hear if you don't this is no joke this construction oh this is horrible yeah maybe we get some like a discount on the on the rent yeah although they're gonna be like well it's not a recording studio this is an office asshole so every time they hit the ball you just hear and if you don't see the ball off the bat you're fucked oh so now you know there's just a ball flying out there and this is how they tell you there's a ball coming at you the guy this is bad is it better it's

even louder now I feel like they're right under my feet I can feel the vibration we do I feel like my wife when I'm a gun 15 minutes later maybe they're trying to get rid of us five minutes later okay so the ball this is how they tell you there's a ball coming at you thousands of tears later go so this is how he tells me so you just hear and if you're going to catch the ball by the time you get the ball he's already throwing another pitch to the BP guy so then a guy just says to me a casual ball player walk by goes ball on you and I go huh and they use here

my two feet like missiles but he wasn't like this get down oh shit he just goes there's a ball on you and I go wow Jesus fuck that is blase it's wild so then it's time for my batting practice group they're like you're in group four so I go all right so now I'm like I I fucked up in the field I had some good ground and some good throws but I missed a couple fly balls because they're sailing over my fucking head sure because you know it's in the air and then they're crushing these balls so I go now I gotta put on I gotta show them who's but I gotta put on a little magic show you better pick it up so I run in there and

I'm all excited now nobody will let me use their bat because the most superstitious game so everybody in touching the bat well it's also like in big league they just got a bat machine just put no bet they got like 11 bats for the 25 guys this is this is like this is small potatoes you probably have a name I got Lucy tonight exactly and they don't want a hex they're like don't let this 40 year old asshole amateur comedian piece of shit touch my bat sure professional comedian amateur baseball player whatever but I signed a contract oh so everyone's going ahead not my bae and they're trying to be nice like it's

not my president that kind of shit and I'm like just give me a bat and they're like you're up list I don't have a bat everybody hates me the whole team hates me so finally the big slugger guy Jason Newsome you gotta see this guy he closes he's like a reliever he closes but he hits home run he's bomb okay big guy closing is good closing is good he's like he comes at the end of the game and he just really knocks him out he's the he's the wolf he hits and pitches yes a wolf and a tiger and a bear I see and so he goes he goes here's the this one has a chip in it but you can like a computer chip vaccine this one has a

chip and you can use this one so I run up there I'm all excited and and and wit or Jeff I can't remember who's who fuck so sorry not skip skips behind me okay and I go all right I'm ready to hit and and the coach who's a funny guy he's a real whippersnapper he takes the first one and I'm in there I'm gonna really show him who's boss and he just whips it behind me as a gag so I'm like God jeez and I'm like fuck with me I got a chipped bat nobody likes me yeah the first BP pitch I swing and miss I want to kill myself the whole team's watching and I'm talking shit I'm like I'm gonna get a hit fuck you guys so I had to have

a moment he threw the first one behind me I haven't caught a fly ball since I was 11 so I had to take a deep breath in the next one right down the middle grounded it to the left side I got a piece but I'm like okay I got it I said that's through we even know it wasn't then I started hitting a couple nice spraying them around then skipper behind me goes now how about lowering those hands and driving a couple I said you got it skip then I start rifleing so hey now I'm feeling good the guys are going all right yeah then he goes how about let's see some opposite field and on the next pitch I line one right down the

right field line for a double right on the line real sigile it's on video somewhere and then we had a camera guy Wes out there like short I line one right over his head hoping to get that video sometime in the next fucking 50 years we got to get these clips and then I told I pulled a boss move I said hold on a second there coach I moved to the left side of the plate started lefty started show him who's real boss how many 40 year old switch hitters do you know outside of the village a little southpaw yeah exactly so I started slapping those around went back to the right side and finally I feel like I

ingratiated a little bit with my base hits you made it up thank God cuz you know you're giving us a bad name here on Tuesdays so I kicked some ass over there and then they went okay this guy something then I went out to the bullpen and they're these guys are the cooks the bullpen guys and they got a little ceremony they do before they have these wooden swords and they get together and say some shit and I went they're like you lead the pregame whatever say whatever you want and I went full blue out there I felt like I could really win them over yes yes they like I went AIDS fuck shit ass anal and really gave it to

him I feel like that I felt nice I felt like we were we're buds after that I really gave him a little Tuesday taste of the Tuesdays a little chin music so then the game starts I'm in the dugout now and I'm chirping I'm all over the umpire I go hey blue you better check your eyes you son of an onion yeah you got the confidence back that was fun and then a wit or Jeff one of them comes over hands me a helmet and says hey first base coach get out there oh I go what are you kidding he goes I'm not kidding get the fuck out there so I coach first base wow the most important base yeah so exciting yes kissing

the lips so then we had two triples while I was at first base so exciting I was thrilled did you do one of these I did one of those when he dove into second because a guy hit a double and I went like this and then the umpire called him out and which is a bad call and then the guy's name is Brandon Riley he goes you got to get tossed on that I was saved by a mile and I said next time I'll go out there and get tossed you're gonna do the keep the feet dirt kick I'd love to do that the hat turn around dirt kick but the first base coach not typically the guy that gets tossed but it was really fun

chirping and yelling and then I would look up in the crowd for some ladies and I was dancing it was really a great time oh this is amazing I love I know that feeling of fucking up in a game and then you have to redeem I gotta redeem and boy it was a dream come true to have the uniform and the dumb hat and coach in first I wanted to get in that bat but it was a very close game what about a cup I had the cup I got the cup I was knocking that thing all day I love a knock up and let me smell that later it was pretty fun I had the cup and the pants and the cleats and boy what a thrill and then I went in the locker

after the game and I didn't want to get totally naked in front of these young men with huge cocks so I left my cup on put my jeans on jeans of the cup that's a bad look no good also then there was this two girls one cup they won the game so you do a little we won the game handshake I did a fun fake prat fall over the top of the dugout which is really fun it was so good because everyone hops over the dugout and I went oh that's on video someday we'll see it how they still doing the grab ass out there is a lot I touched everyone's ass good one guy's ass please I hope so it gets a plan better so then what do you make of

this moment alright in the handshake line I'm going good game good game great win nice pitch in somebody fuck my wife who wants to fuck my wife and there's one Latino player on the team and he turned he gave me this look like that like I'm interested and then the guy behind me goes he'll seriously fuck your wife oh and I was like oh geez I think I got myself in trouble you know Salvador Perez or whatever fuck with Pedro yeah he gave me that like like the sunglasses like you serious yeah so that was awkward and he fucked my wife well good for her at least and then a couple days that we have next game I

went sat in the suite I got the whole experience in the dugout then in the owner's box wow and then we went back so that this is all in whitefish then there I played for the Missoula Missoula paddleheads big fan paddle head raining champs by the way okay so then we went to Missoula Friday night went to the game got box seats right next to the dugout and I thought all the guys hated me but when they came up to bat they all gave me the fist pat and they were like hey what's up man he part of the team camaraderie and there was one pitcher he was like he's a hot guy he pitched a nice inning he came off and I go he

pointed at me goes hey what's up I went hottest guy in the team and he stopped and went I appreciate that yeah and he was the hottest guy so get out there and go see the Missoula paddleheads best team in the league they're gonna win it again and this is my question if they win it again do I get a ring oh I signed the contract I was on the team maybe yeah you should at least be the mascot of the equipment kid I mean I pretty good I coached first base we want I should be getting a little little bling yeah yeah yeah I wonder if they like this with these newcomers coming in like hey we just got off a bus we're trying to

practice we got some special needs make-a-wish coming out there we got to be nice to him well they're so superstitious and they won so I think that might help and you know I had quite a BP session really should have seen it out there I was really something so I gotta give a big plug to the pioneer baseball league I mean I just re fell in love with with baseball in this league I went to a bunch of games the ballpark and whitefish and they're all over there in Boise Colorado some other place Wyoming it really is a beautiful game I mean I know I sound cheesy but it's like tradition and there's so much going on

and the diamond and the open air and the grass it's really something nice you know the players with the uniform and all the all the little quirks you know the spitting of the ball shit the superstitious stuff it's great the butt pat nothing better I love it and I love my skipper and Jeff and wit I love those guys and all in the whole gang you know what else is great about moments like that then I'll shut the fuck up but it's you're a comedian that's right you're a fun-loving chintzy you know knock around kook goofball knock around koof yes so these guys you go in and I'm not saying these aren't fun-loving guys either most

most baseball players like to have a good time if you know what I mean Darrell strawberry but you get to come in and you can really feel like oh I am a funny guy I am a comedian around non-comedians you can really yuck it up make them laugh think of shit they didn't think of and it brings a levity and a light to a situation oh it was great fun but it's hard because you got to ingratiate you're the new guys you can't be full-cell that's trying I was like hey nice cock and they were like what yeah yeah it's you gotta ease it's like anal it takes a minute you gotta ease you gotta anal and so the next time I see

him I'm gonna try to ease into anal with all of them I don't blame you what I'm afraid of that guy look I think he wanted to fuck my wife oh the Latino yeah yeah scared me spicy pepper he was cute too oh but hopefully Sarah had a good time but either way go paddle heads yes paddle heads Missoula and I'll be back the GM was like come back anytime so I'm like I might move out here and just join the squad hell yeah that guy's gonna paddle your wife's ass but how we looking here okay well the construction seemed to have stopped I guess they fixed the leak yeah sorry about the construction Chuck's gonna do his best

to squinch and cut and scrape and thanks to Jen for the the drywall yeah nice try I'm only kidding I'm gonna eat each and every one of the I'm gonna pick the nuts out individually put some salt on them and then maybe pour some water on them to moisten them up but then I'll enjoy them we appreciate the effort you tried your hardest yes you seem like a nice lady send us photos of you guys fucking all right that's not bad yeah oh well you got him you have any without you in it all right I got a big August to moin Iowa please come to that cuz the flights are $950 and I'm bringing Steve Big Dick Rogers and his flights are

even more because his dick is so heavy but I'm I'm there August 5th and 6th I think it is let me take a look at my ass oh there you go August 5th and 6th to moin funny bone August 12th and 13th is Nashville Zainis get some tickets to that I think some of us sold out already no Nashville Zainis August 14th we're at side split is but you can't get tickets if you don't have tickets you can't get them wow three shows all sold out my dad show and then not we already have three we can't it's three o'clock is the first show yikes we could do a midnight I guess but everyone will be fucking out of their minds by then August 19th and

20th Liberty funny bone in Cincinnati area or I guess it's in Liberty but so that's a big month and then yeah those are the big ones and then we're doing a live Tuesdays yes stories August 9th is that what it is good call August 9th in Royersford yes old-school we got to figure out some guests for that that's soon yeah get tickets for that we got to sell that out or else I'm gonna kill myself August 9th and keep an eye out for 4th of July maybe it's at a screen there you're I don't know what the future holds for it but it will be streaming soon and you gotta buy yourself a copy of that fucking thing for

God's sakes and we're gonna do a bunch of what do you call it merch no VIP bonuses bonus materials commentary deleted scenes Louis J Gomez all that stuff that's all gonna be available too so keep your eyes out for that and come see me live for the love of Christ yes camaraderie all right Lexington off Broadway comedy off Broadway fun club in Kentucky San Antonio lol this weekend I'm at the Houston improv let's let's sell that puppy out then West Palm Beach improv don't go back to fully loaded with Bert and Brandon Mississippi sorry Richmond funny bone I'll put a good word in Brea improv Orlando improv I think

San Jose improv the Providence comedy connection the Neptune in Seattle there's a Toronto a New Haven that's not selling well a Vancouver a Portland the Wilbur and New Orleans and Philly at the Fillmore so yeah come on by markdormancomedy.com check out our specials we put up I noticed you at 1.1 million which is a good sign that it's still going yes ticking time keeps on taking and what patreon on the good Chuck just talk a little bit about the patreon Chuck hockey sets the documentary series starring Mark and Joe following them around the country yes it's out season one is out there's ten episodes it's

over five hours of documentaries just following Mark and Joe to shows together some of them just mark some of them just Joe Louis makes an appearance TJ Miller makes an appearance a ton of people Yannis Poppins so much we get stuff real steel we get Q and anals we're up to episode six I think coming this Thursday on the big trian ton of cues we got the Musqueef TV and a ton of huge backlog of just podcasts over the years past many years of Mark and Joe podcasting back log and but log all right that's it all right skip thank you you