Tuesdays with Stories! - #463 Slog Cabin

Episode Date: August 2, 2022

Joe shoots with Charlemagne tha God! Mark announces on Jimmy Fallon! Mark goes shooting! Joe shoots down a heckler! Sponsors: - Visit http://www.liquidIV.com and use code TUESDAYS - Support the show by going to buyraycon.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com -Support the show: http://www.go.factor75.com/TUESDAYS130 & Use code TUESDAYS130 for $130 off Our Stuff: - Subscribe to our Patreon for the ad-free version of the show, weekly bonus episodes, and more! patreon.com/tuesdays - Subscribe to our YouTube channel here for full video of every episode: https://youtube.com/c/TuesdayswithStories SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing here we are WVXU Cincinnati how are you gopher what's that I was just doing a radio thing I only know 97x spam the future of rock and roll

you're listening to the wolf and on the wolf pack 48 9 WAMZ PQ 69 LGBTQ we're here for all your music hell yeah Q and on I think I I don't I'm not a big radio guy you know but one thing that is you can't beat on radio is the announcement of a baseball game it's beautiful it sounds like America it's it's warm oh of course I ride my one of my great memories I'm sure I told them the podcast 10 years ago I did a gig in Gainesville you have F or you have for F you whatever the fuck it is and I rode my bike that the hotel they put me at had a free bike a bike rental or whatever free bike and I rode the bike I

had the socks game on the app going on the on the dashboard the handlebars river you call it I went down eight shit for an hour yeah yeah made 48,000 dollars because these colleges are ridiculous and I wrote around Gainesville listening to the socks game is like we're on the bottom of the night top of the fourth nothing better wind in your hair straight on the outside or whatever the hell yeah on the inside whatever it is I sure am but I did some play-by-play out in Missoula we got to talk about that but I really ripped the ones in two but it was a boring inning I wanted a home run a walk a rape something oh I was

clean like dusty and clean it didn't feel clean your asshole was wide open you fuck this weekend it's gaping baby I've hurt no no nothing just went oh I just smelled it that's a jelly donut yeah what's going on there you got it you don't seem like you'd have stinky farts Chuck feels like a guy that just smells out of everything your insides are ruined yeah feet ass ears and you eat a lot of ass so you're just shitting poo eating poo and shitting it I have a suspicious he can't talk as he got yelled at on Facebook but I have a suspicion that Chuck is just full of baloney every time we talk to him he's

like I slept with Meryl Streep I met Robert De Niro something strange going on I don't think he lives in Staten Island I think it's all made up fake home it's like a movie set I mean Jen last week I just did it to like twist the knife and real Jen's fake those were Chippahoy's plastic bag I'm just very suspicious yeah you're doing a lot of work here to make it seem like you're a real person you like well I gotta go do the the Mike Nichols podcast like Nichols yeah that's a good pull fun fact about Mike Nichols he's got a disease he lost his hair when he was like eight and that's a piece no kid I

think he's dead now isn't he did he finally died yeah from baldness I guess yeah la pisha Jada but yeah he's he's got some kind of illness apparently a bit of a dick that guy Mike Nichols that's the rumor get up and get out of here he's funny he can't be a dick I like Mike Penny who's Mike Penny well I'm going coins here oh Nichols pennies that one of the way he's pennies damn it like quarters let's oh Penny Marshall pennies Marshall Marshall she's good Gary Marshall who we saw I was gonna say Matt we didn't really meet him oh yeah that was the weirdest where I did Conan we all hang out we all go to Conan

together Warner Brothers Studio after it's a big tradition when you finish Conan you go to the smoke house like a traditional LA haunt you know old-school Hollywood and the red booths leather the whole thing dark mahogany waders are 900 years old we get there we take a photo in a booth me the lady the butler I think Donnelly was there only was there my manager who's since quit and me and you Jesus I said we oh we I think that we me and then you name people we and then you say the people you were talking about we the people we we like French we the people we're at the booth that we take a gay photo and we look

behind us it's John Stamos and Gary Marshall and Stamos and he picked up a pepper shaker oh that's right he held the pepper shake I got it framed and matted under my pillow I jerk off to it and kiss it every night I got it first and then I come I think he died like a minute later Stamos no Marshall oh yes Marshall's dead we look back he was head was in his soup what does the grand Marshall do at a parade he just rides in a car right doesn't do anything I think he does one of these with the scepter no that's the band leader guy oh you're right you're right the grand Mashles too old Marshall I think that's the KKK

oh that's wizard the wizard grand wizard you know what I found out my I don't know how to describe her we have a family friend the Houston's and and he's a reverend my family used to be church family way back like three generations ago my grandparents went to church we have these friends left over and they're from Mississippi and she had all these crazy stories like she went and like took the KKK shit down they were getting crazy real deal it's wild she's like in her 80s and they had to like they were getting threatened they ended up moving to Massachusetts that's how we met them because they were like it's too

dangerous down here what but she was telling these stories and she's like oh yeah we fucked the KKK she's like my father-in-law had to stand out with a shotgun all night they're like I bet she was into the black men maybe I mean you gotta you gotta defend your your dick I guess so but it's weird to know somebody your whole life and then find out they're like civil rights heroes yeah and not posting about it you know they just did it oh she's not a post she's you know post office yes more general Mills but how about this one so my mom's a big museum whore she runs all these museums curates whatever that means she started

a museum about like the Southland and the Dixie and all that and she did a whole thing about how bad the KKK were this is this is in the 90s next day brick through the window rebel flag on it and they like sent my mom death threats oh my god I know I have I not heard this before this is insane she told me that like a week ago you know when you're having lunch with your mom she's like oh yeah then the the white power group was after me the Aryan race and I'm like huh how about eating a chipotle like where this come from so yeah they threatened our family we had to move I'm like what the fuck oh my god I

didn't want to tell you were like 11 wow brick through the window that's old school old-school rebel flag I mean this is pre-facebook so you had to get your hands dirty maybe they were just old miss fans might have been you know might have been or let it skinner to whatever yeah but they were angry well what's it called an n-word lover jeez yeah I still have the brick never want to be accused of that that's what happened to Bill Russell the basketball star oh yeah Chuck you know hangs out with on Wednesdays they play monopoly they fill it but he doesn't he lost the footage it'll come out in a month and a

half Bill Russell he got it that's key to the city because they've Celtics won 48 championships in 49 years and he was number one and they gave him the key to the city I think he lived in Reading Massachusetts and the next day he had a brick through his windows we came and returned the key which is pretty oh that's funny gangsta or whatever you say what is the key to the city yo that's I feel like that's a dying thing you see the key to the city now we're all keyless and eyeball retina whatever but what is it can I open a hospital can I get in a jail what do I do with it well I think the key to this it's kind of like the

grand marshal nobody really knows you know and it's a big key it's not gonna fit in the hole I know and it'd be a funny gag just going up the doors with the big key just trying to jam it in maybe look at the key the problem is you're from New Orleans you can't get the key to New Orleans I might get the key to Whitman there's only like 11 people you get a key to New Orleans no you're not big enough you know Harry Connick yeah maybe Harry Conn Ricky Williams or true breeze somebody like that that's not bad but wouldn't be fun to put it on your belt like you got your keys have the giant one just dangling we got to get the

key maybe send out some tweets or whatever let's get the keys to our cities yes but I think Whitman I'm like number one they invented the chocolate chip cookie but after that it's me I mean it's a pretty it's all you down yeah well they got the chocolate chip car sales list of many yeah they got me and then use cars but New Orleans that's that's tough sledding you're not getting that I think they've got to give it to a person of color too yeah yeah give it to a buy puck we don't know we don't have any so not in Whitman I think we might know well we had Mike Topina Charlie Prater not good when you know them by

name no Rachel Royster oh lady black yeah which I by the way speaking to civil rights activists in like fourth grade there was a thing where the you had to hold hands and there was some game with a boy and a girl had to hold hands in fourth grade red rover you didn't want to know no but like individually I don't know what the game was that's hot but that was scary big scare and it was a men's choice because this is in the 80s and I went to Rachel Royster so I'm like a I'm like a hero if you ask me all right get me a key you might get a key and word lover wait a minute is that what keynote speaker is

is that where that comes from what the hell's a keynote keynote is the key grip that's an important note key grip that's not as important I don't think that's a lights guy I think he's number one the key grip oh interesting that is the best boy but he's low in the total pool mmm and the skeleton key oh yeah that opens anything ah that's something would you rather a skeleton key than a key to the city but I guess you get to hang it up it's a it's a gesture I think you put it on wood you plaque it and you hang it and you go there you go there's the key but but Bill Russell he had the key to the city but they was like they

had segregation they were like you can't eat in here yeah and he's like well this key sucks right it's a bit of a mixed message here hey here you go black guy and then he can't even go to the lunch counter bad times hard times yeah that the that Muhammad Ali thing is so good about how they made him go to Vietnam yeah but then he he's I gotta want to go so they took away his boxing so he's like hey I can't fight people right but I'm allowed to kill people yes I mean that is so profound those Carlin's bit Carlin leave and pointed it out maybe I'll eat it he was a little shaky yeah Carlin did what do you got you look like you

have something there Chuck I found out the key to the city history okay so the purpose of the keys to the city was practical at one point in time doors we're talking like 1940s or 1810s medieval times and everyone wow that goes a thousand years old everyone take note I'm being asked a question that's the way I'm responding pieces of shit yeah well they're not gonna care for it the way major cities would naturally be fortified by walls and gates for the people's protections when a visiting hero or dignitary came to the town the people would make an elaborate ceremony and present them with a key had a

multifaceted purposes it was able to enter the city without having to pay a toll like it actually represented things for local heroes it was a sign of respect for visiting kings it was sign of death rents but really it looks like it's just the toll that's the only actual I think tolls were big back then and guess who got a key was it you're huge now they're not bigger than they are now guess guess who gave a key to the city Detroit gave Saddam Hussein the key to the city see how things can turn Hitler got a person of peace what do you call that the peace peace of mind piece of cake now max what was that

he didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize he would have been saying that every couple minutes I'm telling you man maybe it wasn't the peace it was maybe it was one of those other Obama Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize while we were actively in two wars oh a lot of people were like I think that puts an end to the Nobel Peace Prize yeah yeah I think Hitler got nominated a woman of the year or something yeah Hitler or Hitler Hitler Hitler I don't I mean 1938 take a look you're responding like he was he was nominated nominated in 1939 by a Swedish MP okay Stalin won yeah I think so he was nominated nominate it's not

just be nominated that's right yes that's something but so just one guy what does that mean what is the nomination system can I nominate Shelby yeah Martin Luther King nominated tick not hot I know that what's an MP what does that mean do you know what that means military police oh then maybe you just have to be a certain rank ah market price mine princester yeah I come share was given the key to the city of Adelaide and she sold it on eBay for $90,000 wow what a kid so who has it now she got the key the city then she decided to share turtle 76 you know I mean someone bought it share it you even love after

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we got nothing all right talk no bottom there okay and I don't yeah yet no box you got no product give us the product the box the tape the wrapper and the receipt because it might suck I'll put it right in your box and see if it fits so you know this guy Huggins Higgins Steve Higgins Steve Higgins he's the announcer guy it's all very archaic over there they got these old traditions they just keep doing and they go hey Higgins has COVID we've called 19 people it's the day of or the day before like no one can do it can you do it and I had to move some things around but I'm like I'll be there if it's TV you say yes I

don't care if it's to catch a predator cops you go sure so I go I'm in and then I should we shot here I got the shit on I got the bag full of a suit and I head over there got to be there 2 p.m. 18 COVID test later five mass you go to 30 Rock you sign in they bring you up the thing the little girl intern goes hey how you doing what's going on what are you wearing and you show them and they go and they go we'll get a guy in here they go what about your hair you go that's how it is they go and they go you need some makeup you got skin cancer and lesions and all this shit so like all right all right meanwhile I'm eating

everything in the green room now it's 230 you just sitting in there alone I start doing ads for the pod because I've been you know we're so busy don't be free time so I got a zoom mic out I'm in the green room going native deodorant dot com you gotta get native you know and then I get a guess who walks in let me get first of all I think it's native Dio isn't it's not dot com co native dot co yeah you know whatever it is let me guess who guesses it because Jimmy Fallon's the easy answer I don't want to go Jimmy Fallon Huggins is out he's dying hugs dead I forget who the guest was I'm gonna say Mick Jagger oh I wish but Keith

Richards no it was it was Jimmy ah Jimmy I threw a curve at you there all right he comes in I'm recording and he I mean my underwear recording something and he's like oh hey what's going on I go get in here get in here he's the nicest guy yeah and he's like a he's paranoid now he's like what the hell are you doing and I'm like hey I'm doing ads and he just starts going I'm Jimmy Fallon here we are whatever I have this all on tape Patreon so that was crazy he's like hey we're gonna just you just try to riff get some laughs and I was like you got it and he's like you know keep it clean

how you been blah blah blah and then he leaves and three hours later I go out there and this is the scary part this is when the rubber meets the anal so he goes it's me out there with the roots no audience and the lady with the clipboard in the head thing and she goes here's what you have to say you have to time it with the band oh so you go ladies gentlemen and they have a big screen up and they show like Aubrey Plaza you know Sylvester Stallone and you have to say everything right so you got to go ladies gentlemen from dirty rock in New York City it's the Tonight Show your guests tonight are Sylvester Stallone pause

Aubrey Plaza Pa and the great whatever whatever now welcome and they go out now and quist love is going like you got to say it here you got to do this you got it's a lot you know you're in a you're in your underwear you're in a studio you don't know what the hell you're doing but you got to get this timing down I got no rhythm it's pretty scary yeah that doesn't sound pleasant well it's just the first time thing we probably did that for like 20 minutes and I finally got it so this is rehearsal this rehearsal no audience no audience okay and I go Jimmy Fallon so you're thinking the whole time I'm thinking I gotta be funny

I gotta be quick I need some riffs going but then you forget about that part the actual announcing is why you're hired all right so the pressure's on so then we finished that I feel like I got it and then the roots I'm a new guy so they're kind of annoyed with me I'm taking too long I'm learning it they just want to go do their shit and you know go smoke weed or whatever so I go back in the green room Samantha Ruddy is doing stand-up all right so now I got McDade there I got Palufo there I got a day is he right he's hanging out with her he's supporting oh wow yeah so now's a couple comics around feel better

they come in we do the suit to gay guys you know they measure everything they blow you and it's just a long day hanging out with Ruddy she's nervous right which is nice what you know it's weird when someone else is nervous you're not hmm yes balance yeah she was so nervous that I was like all right I feel oddly better now yeah and I was so glad I wasn't doing stand-up of course because that's just a you know mind fuck but so finally it's showtime it's five o'clock I've been there three hours I've eaten everything in the green room it's showtime they go out and they go here we go this is it so you just have to nail

it and I go Jimmy Fallon he comes out does this thing the crowds go on apeshit and I'm standing there and you're like you have to be funny so I don't know if he's gonna throw to me I don't know if I should chime in he does his monologue and he goes how you doing mark and I go good oh boy and he goes all right well and it's so scary it's so stressful and then he goes let's try that again how are you and I go good I I got a hot date tonight and he goes oh yeah tell me about it I go well apparently Amber heard is pretty desperate kills oh very top of her I forget all the people she killed her daughter Johnny Depp ah that's

the fucking depth I didn't watch the depth I can use her with Casey Anthony there seems a cuntie and then full of shit heard the herd everybody say that yeah grumpy the grumpy mm-hmm exactly so that killed and you just have that huh I got a moment and then he goes what else is going on I was like so I go hey Biden fell off a bike huh that's all I said I was just doing news headlines and he was like yeah yeah yeah and that the crowd hated that you're not allowed to make fun of Biden on that show and then he does his stuff he's cute whatever he starts reading his cards and he goes something something breakfast cereal

what's your favorite breakfast mark and I was like and I go beer killed wow all right they left that in yeah then he did something about dinosaur documentary and I this is where I fuck up he's not even gesturing to me and he goes blah blah blah the dinosaur documentary I go I think Biden's in that because he's old that did well but it was enough of enough of me right he didn't go to me anymore but I got a couple laughs probably said about five jokes three worked to God's zero which is painful and then that was it and he brought out a guest they go you're done I went home wow that's exciting though that's fun do

they say hey we'll see you next time Bobby gets sick nothing but I got a lot of nice hey Fallon liked you you know from the producer so that's good that's nice it's nice to be considered to be in TV because we say such horrible shit that I assume they all just wrote us off 12 years ago yeah yeah of course it was it was great like you looked exactly like you belong there it felt like it was part of the show and when he said the beer thing Fallon like died and then he went to go to continue his bit and then he stopped and he died again oh it was like a big never laughs he doesn't laugh at anything Jimmy Fallon and Chuck has a

podcast with Jimmy that's right you guys live together right that's exciting though I mean hopefully this this Bob Huggins passes away it'd be nice yeah but I don't know if I even want that gig I mean it's all day every day right but it was cool to be considered and it's still nice to have a tow in showbiz yes you want a tow you gotta have a tow as much we talked about hey fuck the man fuck the system you got to do it on your own you know pay to play whatever the hell it's nice to do a little Hollywood yeah that's good you got to do it well I did a little TV myself you know speaking of which what are we talking

Rachel Ray well I did this Charlemagne the God you know this guy he's a hip cat he's cool as a cucumber I never saw him or met him I'm not good with things I don't know much about anything yeah he's pretty dialed in he's a sexy cool dude he's big right I mean he got Schultz to be as big right I get little tidbits and just there's they sit up there yeah yeah but he was a big radio guy it's a lot of controversy I think yes yes he says what he wants some Kamala Harris thing a Bernie say he's a Bernie bro I think these are like the little things I've picked up and or I could be getting that completely wrong so what is the show

tell me about the show and where do you slide in this is the show so I think it season 2 it's on Comedy Central it's a late night I forget what it's called I was hoping Chuck would look it up but he's texting fucking Robert De Niro whatever he's got one of his nine whores baking he's got Susan making us shitty cookies or whatever it is quiche on the way but I don't know I forget what it's called I mean I literally did the show and I forget what it's called but it's keeping honest to the truth yeah honest honest honest to God is that it I think that's it that's pretty good too right honest to God maybe yeah oh I see

all right well I so they email I'm the same thing so I get the email saying hey my manager's rights any interest and I scroll down and it's Charlemagne the God and I I'm like an old man I know he's big yeah yeah and it's a show it's Comedy Central it's on TV TV and I go I think okay Sam with the post in and mark with the post I got to stay in the mix here because I got no mix I'm sir mix a little so I'm like I got to say yes to things even though my mind is always like I don't want to do that same same and so I got the Bert Chrysler tour in my head when they go hey you want to do Bert and I go I'm not opening

anymore I'm my own bird I gotta flock my asshole sure so I skip it and then I just see you in a race car and DeRose is in a spaceship and fucking you know Shane is like crowd surfing across a football game he's on a unicorn yeah he's he's the grand marshal at the key to the city parade right so I'm like all right I'm saying yes I say this guy's huge I'm in but it turns out it's a test show so it doesn't air anywhere they don't want that mug and now you can't have these these attributes or what do you call them features feature film I have a feature film yes but yeah a few people thought oh yeah anyways so I go

yeah I'll do it and then it's the classic thing this is why I don't do anything you say you got it and then they send you okay well here are the topics and the email is like seven feet long homework like my thumb hurts from scrolling I got arthritis just being like are you kidding yeah I know the feeling and I'm not the guy I don't watch anything no okay first story is about the Kardashians and I'm like fuck I don't know anything about the Kardashians and then it's about you know abortion and buy it in and fucking this and that and guns and I do a good job of avoiding all the big TikTok

stories sure and then do the bullshit I don't want to deal with the bullshit no hate the bullshit tick knock on it's like have you seen the sesame the woman was a Sesame Street character that denies the black kids have you seen that hi I didn't see that that was felt threatened that was one of the topics and so but anyways I was like whatever I'll do it but it turns I thought I was doing like a I thought he's radio so I thought it was like podcast you come on you just hang out which it turned out to be I was like I have to write shit for this cuz I'm a busy fella but right when you see that scroll and all that

attachment you just want to go I'm out you just want to throw your phone in the lake yes and then they call there's all these other attachment you have to like we're got the producers gonna call you at this time to go over the thing which is a little frustrating they were so sweet everybody was so nice but the producer calls and I get it you have to check in and a lot of people are morons who don't read shit they go what but she calls it just reads the email to me so I was missing this other meeting for the baseball show I do because I had to do the pre-interview and the pre-interview is literally just reading the email okay

so the first topic we're gonna talk about is this this and that it's everything that's I keep saying the same thing over but she literally just reads the email that I have so like this I got it yeah but she was so sweet they're all very sweet and then it's one of these things where it shoots from 330 to 5 but they picked you up at one yes TV so you get picked up at one and then you get a text from the driver saying I'm here when you're ready at 1230 I feel like an asshole because the driver's outside so I gotta be like I gotta I had to squeeze in a podcast and then you got the driver coming and I'm going on vacation

that night so you're like I when am I supposed to write jokes or a film or learn fucking guitar I'm too busy yes bullshitting when are you gonna fuck your lady also well I fucked her right before that meeting well late for the meeting that's Charlemagne the God do she probably got a little moist oh yeah so he's got beautiful eyes beautiful he looks like a ninja turtle hmm so they picked me up I get there and it's in Times Square I get dropped off and it's all exciting and then the makeup lady comes in she couldn't have been nicer all the produce is coming they're like the nicest people I've ever met and that

part's exciting as you know sure you're in your chair you got the snacks there's cookies this chips you need anything and then the writer comes in Charles McBee who's very nice yeah he comes in he goes how you doing whatever and everyone's just so nice but like yourself it's two and a half hours yeah I was there for two and a half hours just reading I try to read like an asshole right I'm like doing push-ups back there I'm trying to be productive yep but then finally we go out Usama is on there Sidduke Sidduke and he's great great guy yeah and boy that guy kills like no other he murders and then a writer an author named Kyle

Spencer hmm who she's like a journalist lady okay very attractive I might add a lady Kyle yeah that's fun isn't Kyle Jenner is that a lady oh Kylie yes and then there's Caitlyn also a pretty lady so we go out there and it's very exciting you know you're nervous because your TV but it was a nice crowd and just 100% black and I killed I love killing for black people love a black crowd you're really it feels so good because you know these days there's all these stories about race I know and so I'm in my head I'm like do all black people hate white people because that's what the story I'm being told it's a bad

message a bad narrative and it's causing a lot of problems I think it's quite false also I'm like talking to people of all races all day every day nobody's like you son of a bitch everybody's just like hey how you doing they assume you're thinking that too about them so now it's just you walk out the house angry and then that's why we got 38 fistfights on a southwest flight yes which by the way I'm not saying there's no racism and no supremacy and all that stuff I'm just saying it's not as prevalent as it seems if you watch tiktok in the news and Twitter totally but anyways I come out and I had a guy

had great stuff I felt really good I was getting big laughs and the so the end did you prepare or I prepared some stuff yeah I had a couple things nothing crazy but I was like I'll do this I'll say that that'll be funny and and it's nice cuz I'm going after the journalist lady who's being serious yes and then I get to be silly and so sorry is it a round table and they go what do you think Jojo well it's a panel so it's the three of us it's Usama and Kyle and me and he goes okay so whatever they pass some gun laws is this a real gun law or is this whatever and then you everyone says well I think the whole thing was like

eight minutes long oh gotcha but then they did they have a segment called fuck them or forgive them and that was the Sesame Street with the two black girls and he snubbed them and so it went it went fuck them fuck them and then it was me and so I did like I was like I did the the jacket over the head like you fuck them and I go well I had a whole speech about Buddhism and forgiving and I don't know who's in there and it could be a big misunderstanding so I was gonna say forgive them but fuck them and then everyone was like this Jojo Jojo and they got a huge laugh and it felt good and then you get mad because it's not

going to air right before I was like thank god I'm sitting going to air so even if I eat shit no one's ever gonna see it then you kill and you're like fuck yes isn't that always the way so hopefully I'm in I hope like because it's kind of like an audition and Charlemagne said he's like you're funny I like you so I said great well I'm here I sounds like you're into me there Fanny but so if they do the show and I can get on it I gotta remember to bring a laptop and a notebook to work yes we're right my right my novel because you're just sitting there for two hours of course but you could what have you got

on the show you could be in with the black community you could have a black audience I'd love a black audience we are used to do these urban shows this guy imagine would take me to all these urban show I don't imagine I imagine he was great yeah I remember going to these gigs and they were just smoked so much weed I'd be like I can't smoke anymore I'm blasted yes yes I think I kill it because I go up there and be like I'm a virgin blood they love that Tuesday's with stories also brought to you by factor that's right Tuesdays when summer starts to wind down fall can get chaotic but factors ready to eat meal

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couple of muppets it feels like five years ago yeah very exciting we're on TV it's funny because the the tables of turn it's like shifted it would shift it into like oh those guys will never be on TV and then five years goes by and like well we would have it those guys because it's on TV so we'll see we'll see I got some other things and let me let me shove Houston up your ass yes please so just to the I love Texas you know me I Houston improv by the way I'm saying it out loud I'm saying it's proud Houston better than Austin yeah a lot of I mean that's Sarah and I we talked about that a lot Houston gets a little underrated

Austin now with the first of all Houston cleaned up their homeless people Austin I think clean it up to some degree Austin's net more expensive now Houston's more diverse and there's a lot more going on in Houston I agree bigger city cooler city more there it's and it's not up its own ass keep Austin weird we got to move there fuck L.A. we're going to Austin all right all right and you can fucking fly there Boston it's like three flights oh yeah and forget about it yeah what is that why is it's a major city what the hell I think it was always a small city even

though it was the capital it was a small city and they have to adjust the airport it's a small little horseshit airport I think you're right it's a it's a cow town as they say in Houston was always a hub whatever that means so they have hub I mean it's the fourth largest city in America porn hub yeah you're right so yeah it's got every race every group every nationality and they're all overweight but great time we did the improv six shows we sold it out and I got my boy Andrew Youngblood there Corey David's hosting he's doing clips he killed it hottest crowds these the gays came out they love us their killer

we love you guys your lunch and every day I made sure to do something first day we got steaks so I'm trying to sell this whiskey Sam and the distributor and I were he was like hey we got to meet up he's a Houston guy I'll take you to a steakhouse is there anything better than that you go to the steakhouse it's on his card we got oysters we got bloody berries we got soups we got steaks we got potato and cream spinach and the bacon you got to try the bacon we got candy bacon and all this horseshit bacon's overrated I agree but delightful great time then the check comes and he goes yep yep yep good to go oh that's nice

nothing better that's nice and but boy did I go hard like you know you got that grizzle there and you're like you just sitting there you just start picking up the fat that you cut off because it's all there sure and by the end of it I'm like huge mistake I really overdid it and you're shitting like little pellets for a while it's just too much meat meat can fuck you we did that every year we did the New Year's Day Brazilian steakhouse for days you're just like slogging around oh big slug so hi on the slug and then we do the shows and then lock cabin captain slug my friend Andrew owns a fucking nightclub so it's a bad

news for us because he's a boozebag I'm a boozebag we do these shows we're drinking that throughout the whole show the shows are great we're selling merch we're making some coin and then he's like let's go to my nightclub we go to his nightclub every night it's open bar it's free shit so we we'd stay up till six in the morning every night young but as a nightclub he's got a nightclub in addition to the other club well it turns into a nightclub it's a stand-up music venue with all these different rooms is one of these places with all these caverns and green rooms and fuck shops exactly so we go there every night one

night they're doing an open mic now I've been burned many times you know me I like to get up I'm an addict I'm married to the sea word and I'm like all right I'm not going up we had a hot show we did great I'm not gonna go do this open mic with 11 people and eat my shorts I'm sick of it I'm done with it and I'm half in the bag I'm all loopy I'm all tequila it up and we're talking in the green room about a new bit I'm working on and then we crack it in the green room that fun a bit crack bit crack corn and I don't care so I go fuck it I'm going up just to try this line I do it the line kills we all high five we get home at

seven in the morning whatever so then the next day Andrew goes look I have a house with a pool we it's three days of debauchery here we got to get it together let's just finish the shows go to my house sit in the pool and just drinking and float we won't go hard no shots no anal no blow so we go out drinking we get a bunch of liquor we go to the pool we get shit-faced in the pool I got home at eight in the morning love a good pool hang though great time someone has a pool just forget about it yeah like when we were kids it's like the guy with the pool you got to get involved with that's it you got a pool

you're the king of the castle you're the key master so then the next day the last day we go we got to do some stuff we just hung over all day so we go let's shoot guns now where are you out of the guns not a gun guy I don't get the shooting the guns I don't get it I'm not a gun guy either but he sold me with we're in Texas you've all D let's go recreate it so we go to the gun place it's beautiful it's like a spa it's like a surgeon's office it's like one of these high-end good it's called Athena give a shout out Athena we're fucking with the guy he's great they like jokes over there these right-wing gun guys oh

sure who doesn't like jokes you know the other side yeah so this guy's fun he's like an old black guy and he just goes you know what you need here's what you need we got a Glock on the table we got a switchblade a brass knuckle a cherry bomb because here's what you need he puts the biggest 8k 99 or whatever the hell this thing is on the table this thing is this long it kills Jews I mean this is a Czechoslovakian weapon from the 40s he's like you put that up your ass you're gonna be hard for a month like alright bring it on the guns are cheap that's like 20 bucks an hour to rent this thing between three people

that's nothing so we go back there and it's like the movies you know you got the ear thing on the headphones sure and now you go oh yeah yeah so then we go in and it's it's like the movies it's the it's the five rows the lanes you know the one guy pushes the button and the you know the paper target goes down and he goes this is your lane it's like bowling and there's all there's all kinds of guys and cowboy hats and just guys going that one guy going bye bye just headshot headshot headshot we're way out of our element this is above our pay grade so these guns they you think you see John Wick you go you do this

shit uh-huh this thing's jammin I held it up at one point and I was I was aiming and the clip just fell out like I was that idiot the clip went everywhere the bullets fly I put the bullets in backwards at one point we look it was like a silent film so finally we figure it all out we had to ask the guy next to us like a real man and he was like all right yeah please skirt up your hymen whatever so now we got the machine gun out and which is very intimidating and it's got a magazine with all these giant bullets of this long they're pointy and you know you jam it in there we jammed it in the wrong way you got to take it out

turn it there's all these flips and switches and safeties and then there's that thing it's a way way above our head here don't blame the mechanism all us no mech and I get that I get in there and I got the scope going and the kick on this thing it's like a mule I'm shooting up at the ceiling everybody's like Jesus Christ you hear the ting ting ting ting it was wild but we figured it out oh it wasn't pretty that sounds fun and cookie but yeah you know me I'm a sports guy I like tennis softball I'm glad I you know you get the bug sometimes you're like I love guns I don't I didn't have that I'm plus I shot the host but all

good fun fun to try it it's fun to live in that world for a minute and then get out yeah you're like Travis Bickle in there I was written house they should have like they should sell different maybe they already do I don't know I haven't been to a gun range in a couple decades but do they have different can you request somebody yes can you get hey give me Waldo yeah you can get the the orange guy was just a guy they can get a guy with organs and they have a like kidney heart lungs we got that one organ trail yes a Portland organ and you know you're like I'm going kidney huh kidney ah boom and then you know you hit

the the other guys did you have any skills did you hit anyone between the eyes whatever the guns are so good now in that scope I mean it's a literally a laser beam fatty I mean you see the red dot and you pull the trigger it's the red dot so it's an Indian guy yeah yeah oh no the other Indian what do you call them red dot okay dots feather yes that's right I think that's a pretty offensive I think we're you know we're gonna get shut down for this I mean this episode we're getting we're getting yeah we're not getting a tonight show and the God forget about a run I did the one that didn't air but what can you do

I think you're gonna get on there so did you get any you know yeah and did you keep it did you bring it home put on your fridge I didn't keep it but we took a photo with it everybody made fun of us one guy said let's go Brandon and we got out of that's fun that's so clever that let's go I know you don't have to say fuck exactly you don't want to say fuck what that's what let's go Brandon oh fuck fuck Joe Biden I see but they're cleverly saying it got it so clever yeah and it's like family guy at this point just repeating it over and over I don't know get it get a get an original phrase yeah it stinks all right

so but that sounds like fun can you get like this when do you get like an RPG like a oh I think you got to go to a camp and a compound for that because that seems like that would be the real fun just the way it goes down and then back up again this guy you know on your shoulder that sound when it goes in like a oh yeah I love that or the thing that stands up and you put it in you go go yes a Patriot missile that's exciting yeah so oh but I should say the first night we flew to Lafayette did the Lafayette what do you call that the county Leonard JP Leonard Jason Leonard yeah and we did that show Lafayette

comedy killer two shows fun to go to your home state and rip it up sell some merch stay that we got drunk at the Lafayette here's the thing we went to other bars we went out to like the strip in Lafayette there's a college there everyone is so young we had to get out of there it felt weird right they don't have the childbearing hips these women yes yes they're thin they're flat they're gay there's no pubes it was odd yeah they're kid they're born in like 2000 yeah it's not weird it's insane much like the gun thing I'm glad it I didn't get the bug I'm glad I didn't see Susie Q in a stroller and go hey here we go it's

very strange I mean like people born in to like I guess mind-boggling people born on 9-11 will be able to drink legally whoa that's wild yeah it's wacky it's wacky Wednesdays do your thing with the Beatles and Nirvana well I think that you know well way more time has passed since smells like Teen Spirit came out then Beatles like considerably more here's another way to think about all right hit me you think about all this time like I saw Jackson Brown last night at the Beacon and I'm going again on Saturday he's just the best his first album came out in 1972 50 years ago wow but you think of the Beatles in 1964 it's

like black and white and it's like I want to hold your hand they're in the suits and the girls screaming yep but then like 1972 is only eight years later that's another planet yeah totally of like you know wood stock and it's colored now yes and there were long hair and weird vests and like Sabbath and shit like this is only like a few years you think of it and here's nothing I was thinking about with like decades like you think of like the 70s has a feel the 60s has a feel so if you're watching to move from the 70s you're like okay this is gonna be dark and real and you know this thing they're wearing like

leather jacket leather 60s is like flowers but there's no definitive it's not like in 2020 we went okay new decade I think about that all the time it's only in retrospect that you're like the 60s is this and the 70s is this right and it blends it tends to blend like you watch Mad Men which is 1961 or 62 and the guy's got a suit on and it's Madison Avenue and it the hair is you know grease with shit comb it looks like the 50s but it's the early 60s so it's actually accurate because you think oh he lives in the suburbs with the big Chevy and the the wife with the apron which is very 50s but it's actually 61 right like the

rat pack and the Beatles are kind of like they connect they overlap do they yeah well like that's the 60s the beginning of like some day well like the Vegas years with the suits and oceans 11 and shit see I see that as 50s yeah but that's like went into the 60s it's not like Sinatra and Dean Martin where there's like alright we've stopped right now it's the 60s yeah yeah that's true it's very strange it is wacky and it's all like I said it's only then it's not like in 19 New Year's Eve 1969 they're like okay get rid of the flowers in the now we're cocaine and leather jackets and gritty yeah we do that with art too

we go no the Simpsons I mean they dominated the 90s but they started in 88 hmm you know Seinfeld was 89 right ah very interesting there's a blend there's always a when the 80 meet 90 it turned as a crossover there yes then one has to take over but does it feel weird that the 2000 to 2010 10 to 20 that is a little blurry because it's not as 80 90 70 you know yeah the 2010s it's how well that's also like my drunkest time I guess 2010 11 12 really but I guess yeah well I guess the tooth I don't know it's all pretty late 90s for me but yeah it's all I don't know it's all pipes yeah like what is the decade of the 2010s what's

we think about with the Razor phone I guess I phones had taken over yeah maybe that's why there's no culture like I phones we're just like good point well it feels like there's a culture now with like the pandemic the riots the protests politics Trump you know that's all very every everything's politics now everything the new development I hate it 100% of things Pepsi baseball yeah isn't that so strange it's like NBA is liberal and conservative you're like why what are we talking about you like that comedian what are you right way I'm like what funny guy what are you talking about it's very strange very

strange you just did it with sense of humor yeah exactly but it's just it's all pipes this never was the way nobody ever like the NFL is this political and this NBA is this totally it's very strange used to be political and people are like who invited the weirdo yes like shut up what are you talking about Alex be Keaton over here remember in Clueless the movie what's his name Paul Rudd is like watching the news and he's like look at the Sudan and then we got to change these policies they're like shut up you dork that's how it was yes and now it's like hey if you don't know about scare a moochie you're fucking dumb

ass who the hell's uh you got to know about mansion or whatever a Joe mansion mansion how about Fauci I don't care don't mention it he's got a show with mansion now there's the beeper there we go where are we at with time 50 whoa let me tell you a quick tale hit me there spread eagle that's not a bad like if I was a marine I'd want to be spread eagle oh that's fine you know you got you got your marine name I used to have a good name and I forget what it was oh Wolverine when I was a kid top gun you know we came out and it was all the names and I loved red dawn so I was like I'm Wolverine is that a guy in Wolverine or

red dawn well red dawn they were the Wolverine oh I didn't know that was the thing I was obsessed with red dawn and top gun oh yeah I was conservative apparently who we do we just put each I had a lady at a show once go I can't tell if your Republican or Democrat it fucked me up to the whole show and I'm like that's what you're doing in the audience it's a comedy show just watch the show try to get a laugh it that's so weird she was trying to pinpoint I'm like what are you what are you crazy yeah everyone wants the point that's where we're at in pin we want boxes and both side that yeah I don't want to get yeah

people act like they're they like hate those people but then they are those people the mirroring is bananas it's wild but anyway so listen to this one this was kind of fun it's not a crazy or anything but I was at the stand you know we go to the stand a lot stand seller sure that's it now I feel bad cuz I'm not at New York comedy club as much as I'd like to be I'm there tonight but you get the spots and then you're like well I don't need to I don't want to run around anymore I like a couple spots and whatever they throw up me I just take it like you tell me where to go I'll go I don't want to think about it right so

anyways I'm at the stand and we do the two set two shows we did the early show and then the second show I think you might have come here that night after but so I go on and I'm first on the on the 10p and I'm in there and I'm doing my set and there's these two guys in the back where Chuck is he's there podcasting with each other back there okay and they're just chatting and I don't like to cause a big I try not to go I don't want to be the guy that's like excuse me what are you fucking whatever you take the dick out of your mouth at your dentist or whatever the fuck sure so I'm just plowing through I don't want to deal

with it I just want to do my sets try my stuff but cuz they're it's faint enough that I can plow through but it's a small crowd there's only 35 people plus these two it's 37 but the people here keep doing this so now I have to step in because you're taking away the audio fucking up there night exactly and it's not just it's like a few people throughout we're about eight minutes in now and the people over there are going like this everyone just keeps going like that so finally I go hey are you guys having a full conversation over there and the guy goes yeah we are and I go could you not

yeah could you stop that and the guy goes we could but could you not here we go and the guys drunk and I go could I not what that doesn't make sense yeah and he goes well maybe you and it was so fun because they're drunk so when you're sober and they're drunk you have a huge advantage and I'm amplified and they're not so this is just an unfair fight which I love an unfair when you're on the winning side yeah so then he goes he goes well baby cuz you're and I go shut up I go shut up I go from a fucking I'm killing what are you talking about just stop it and he goes oh you want us to stop talking and I go yes

stop that you're distracting the whole audience I don't get it what are you even doing here and at this point Joe the manager goes over and goes hey guys and the guy goes what do you want us to leave and I go yes I took over for Joe because I got the microphone hell yeah so I go yes leave get up and leave go have a conversation upstairs you fucking idiot yeah and so he goes okay so Joe goes okay you got to go and the guy gets up and he goes yeah maybe if you did and I go shut up shut up and they keep walking and then this is the funnest part because he kept trying to say stuff like a blah blah blah blah blah blah and it

was really fun yeah and then they went out and they took a right into the bar and because they're drunk and they're trying to like yell stuff yeah and they take a right which is the wrong direction it's like a dead end at the bar and I go oh wrong way you went the wrong way and the guy's going yeah I go no you went the wrong way you're stupid you feel so stupid you fucking idiot yeah and then they're walking up the stairs and he's going well maybe if you and I go shut up and it was very enjoyable I have to say now you're just praying to God that they're not just hanging out on the stairs a little bit yeah there is you

gotta live baby right it well there's two of them they're drunk they're dipshit they're like drunk bro fucking dipshits and I feel like I could have just beaten the fuck out of one of them and the other one would have been like oh I'm sorry like good fellas when he hits him with the gun the guy's like don't shoot yes yes it looks like Chandler by the way if you rewatch that scene he looks just like Chandler every time I see it Matthew Perry yeah yeah bang could you look more like Chandler so that was fun but I did come off and I was like those guys left right and Joe's like they went up the street

I was like yeah the talking because you're just ruining other people's show it's not like it's annoying to me but you're just these are paid customers you kook relax well then it turns out they just snuck in and they were like wow it's a light crowd whatever we'll just let them in there so they thought they were just at a bar they just went to a bar and had a coverage but they were like hammered yeah yeah but there's something so fun when someone's trying to have a clever line and then in it they just walked the wrong direction you're like and everybody was laughing and then I was like they went upstairs and I was

like by the way I was like I'm like having like the set of my life never was like this yeah it was very fun that's the best yeah now let me throw this one in your taint and see if it sticks cellar I'm there last night hottest crowd now I'm not gonna say who but there was a lady on stage killing killing a gal we know and like one of four people killing and we're all hanging out in the bar area talking chopping it up comics and this guy comes out and goes hey hey you to the lady he goes hey you shouldn't call out people in the audience like that and we're like you know so stern it was obviously a joke and he goes no no I'm

not joking that pissed me off you shouldn't do that what the fuck and we're like whoa so me and Matt Ruby stand up we're like dude are you serious like get out of here quit being a such a bitch you're like she made a joke about you in the audience you're like a Karen you know get out of here yeah so he's big guy big guy buff guy might have been some roids cooking and he's like no no no I don't care about you guys you fucked up fuck you you fat cunt oh wow and now it's escalates and now we're like it's fat huh so she's fat yes okay and now we're in this guy's face and we're like what the fuck are you crazy fuck you get

out of here and then you know the waiter comes over they they kicked the guy out hmm but I was like what a bitch what a like a snowflake dork of course take a guy a lady being like but I mean it wasn't even mean she was like you know you like sucking dick or whatever she said I don't know and this guy was pissed and I think he was gonna fight her oh Jesus it was wild douche but here's the thing about all these people even the people on Twitter who are like fuck PC fuck the world this and that you make fun of their thing exactly they're the same way same I was shit on weed on Ari's podcast all these people were like

fuck you you fucking asshole and I'm like this your fans you're a huge Ari fan yeah so I know you think the Kobe thing and rape jokes are funny but God forbid someone make fun of their friends their friends for smoking we have you've been shaming you think because you're sober you fucking it's like oh so weed is your trigger everybody has a trigger everyone has a trigger everybody and you turn I'm like you're exactly these people the same thing you're the same exact thing it's the same right and left same thing exactly mirror opposites they do the same shit and I made a Baron Trump joke

once I mean the onslaught how you live with yourself fucking talking about a kid I'm like whoa snowflakey easy there sensitive oh whoa trig so it's all pipes it all sucks but this guy got kicked out his friends were still in the crowd he had like five friends with them they all hung out they had a great time but how does this guy live with himself you go up to a lady and say that and because a joke yeah kill yourself what are you doing you quiff maybe you will hopefully all right well had a wacky action packed week so thanks again all right I gotta talk about something's burning next time I did

I went to Bert's house and film with Bobby Lee it was a treat fun Bert's house is unbelievable you get the money thing you go to this guy's house he lives on a compound huge backyard fire pit swimming pool hot tub barbecue hammock hot cast studio gym home theater I go up to his home theater it's like 30 15 year old girls in there watching a movie eating popcorn I'm like do you know what you have you realize what this is he owns the girls yes sex traffic wow next thing he asked me I'm saying yes I don't care if it's eating out ass for five bucks I do it Bert yes yes you can do it yes you can I'm in buddy boy we're

going to another a fully loaded maybe I'll try to talk you in well I'll see what I can do I'm pretty busy I'm a movie star but I'm not I'm not opening anymore I'm doing comedy central television these days test show but yeah we'll see I don't know maybe Bert whatever the fuck we'll figure it out hey you're a fucking movie star so who knows what and what knows who but all right where are you gonna be there's Loppy Jalopy starving I'm so hungry I gotta get a better food schedule we don't have time to eat either no I got we got a roll oh shit we got to leave soon fuck my mother okay I just leave then you can

eat I just got a I got a text here I got August August second Regal cinemas if you're in Boston the movies playing one more time at Regal on Tuesday August second is that today this is coming out it's this is coming out yeah dad yes tonight tonight if you're in Boston go to Regal cinemas at Fenway Park by Fenway Park next door in the Fenway region and go see 4th of July and this movie is going to be I think there's a pre-sale available right now and so you want to get on that pre-sale you want to get the bonus materials we did a bunch of stuff all the deleted scene Lewis's scene and all that stuff and we did a full

commentary we just recorded a couple days ago get the pre-sale get the movie support the independent support me please and check it out and then big month this weekend I'm in Des Moines at the funny bone come out to that I got my goddamn Iowa State hat my Iowa shirt I got all kinds of Iowa merch because there's nothing else to do in Iowa except by shit yeah and then next weekend Nashville Zainis I think there's low tickets or whatever at least that's what they're saying so get your tickets to Nashville Zainis then we're at side splitters for three shows you missed that if you haven't got your tickets you

missed that that's gonna be fucking insane well you know he's coming to that I know all kinds of big big stuff happening big swinging dicks oh yeah then I'm going to Austin for one day and then it's off to the Liberty funny bone so there's a Liberty fun bone that weekend the movie will be streaming so make sure you get the pre-sale get the goddamn movie and come see me what August is gonna be bananas gonna be wild we're gonna be on all kinds of crazy shit hell yeah oh boy one of us is gonna die at this bachelor party I can't wait yeah all right I'm all over the road as well Lexington Lexington Kentucky at

that comedy club San Antonio at LOL the Neptune Theater Portland Maine Portland Oregon Vancouver Toronto Philly New Haven New Orleans Mark Norman comedy dot com check it out and get on the patreon a lot of good stuff we're about to record another thing and you miss it out if you're not on it queef it up get a shirt oh do we still have shirts I think so yeah every once in a while you get a shirt grab a shirt thank I see a lot of gays out there rocking a vintage we appreciate it praise Allah thank you key to the city