Tuesdays with Stories! - #468 Warped Wharf

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

It's a lunch episode ladies and gentlemen! Mark and Joe open the show by setting a new goal on the Patreon to do a live "Tuesdays After Dark" and talk about the first time they tried to accomplish this very sexy task. Mark tells the story of a show in Palm Beach with a stereotype in the crowd, Joe's all alone at the U.S. Open, and a recent Joe Rogan Experience got pretty kooky for one of the boys. It's Tuesdays, baby!! patreon.com/tuesdays youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Tuesdays for 10% off your first month. - Visit https://www.expressvpn.com/tuesdays for 3 months free. - Support the show, quit smoking naturally with Füm, AND save 10% by using code DRUNK at https://www.breathefum.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code TUESDAYS. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426- 2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522- 4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms.

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me hey folks here we are lunch stuff studios four three is that right do we change it one change at some point I don't have changed it to like just come

oh yeah just come house yeah JCH what is it all right I don't know just come house is horrible coffee one Valdez remember him he would smell each bean that was big oh yeah he was cute commercials were a thing used to go oh the Wendy's commercial was a for bud flies her that was big because it took so long to unfold it was like a five minute commercial it was just like it was really fun that was clever I'm gonna say that was 95 ish oh yeah I think it was a Super Bowl big Super Bowl yeah commercials were huge where's the beef I mean that's that's 80s but they were out there there was a commercial that I

loved I don't even know what it was for but it was a guy who snuck into the football huddle I think about it all the time and he's wearing the helmets too big and he's a big and at one point he says does your mouthpiece taste like banana and I remember thinking it was like the funniest thing I don't get it was a bunch of big guys well he's just saying a bunch of things like he's like clearly doesn't belong there I it's a funny thing for a football player in the huddle in the middle of it to be like does your mouthpiece taste like banana I thought it was a banana bit no he took the wrong thing or something no I think

it was just a thing of like he's in there going what's going on here what are you guys up to you know you know at great commercials with Sports Center they'd be in the office throwing a ball yeah they were like sketches yeah they were sketches that was fun do you ever wear sketchers I can't do it now there's a couple of shoes I go that ain't for me it's embarrassing I had to check Chuck's shoes as I said it just to I'm gonna start trashing them those are no joke but those are the back to the futures yeah I think New Balance Nike Adidas Reebok and the rest it's too complicated like the rock stars you know I can't do it we got

these the LA gear I never got the lights in it these kids are the lights what are special needs lights whoa as soon as someone brought out LA gears I just they were off off the the phone list yes yes what about a BK night oh yeah wasn't he in Nukas in the block I think he was yeah Brian Grant's tonight what was that other one there was another one that was big Fila Fila remember them yeah Fila I think I was in for a second but I think those were for black people I think a lot of that was yeah yeah the fooboo's and the a couple other ones that were big fooboo I like Puma on a girl a little petite feet with a little

Puma sneak that's fun yeah what about a six are good too I'll take an ASIC ASICs is okay yeah and then there's Brooks that's a big running sneaker I don't know Brooks Brooks is big in the running community okay Brooks was here and then there's red oh what's that other one you said you said Brooks and it made me lose it so Connie oh it was a Coney those a Coney is it so Connie or so Coney I don't know I never said it out loud I was too scared but those are close look kind of cool they were too cool for me yeah so Coney so Connie I would school the Joseph Coney so Connie Chung I like a DC once in a while yeah

skate though yeah chocolate sitay I'll wear him next time I got some high tops I like okay well they're higher than those because those are hitting your knees high tops if you're not in the basketball court I don't quite understand what's going on with the high top it's a little high I don't get my top I'm sticking with the the bisonos myself I don't there's a war going on with the top of the shoe and the pant leg it's too much they're crumpled they're queefed they got a tuck it in or put it over it's too much it's funny how there's just things that skipped your brain yes the sneaker heads I

just never got it I'm like I don't know what's going on there the the hair people they're gonna have a certain a shave and a fade every day we've talked about it before I'm like I've been wearing running sneakers blue jeans and a t-shirt but since I was three years old oh yeah never look back I get out of the shower I toss the hair back I've never had one phase the only change that I've seen you make since I've known you is herpes sober and new glasses yeah those are all tough decisions well I had a manager I had the wiry Ben Franklin oh yeah it was a rough they were bad and they were crusty and muddy

and then I got a new manager Maureen Tarrant oh she's a good egg and the first I didn't understand show business the first thing she said she's like you gotta get new glasses these retro shes yeah laughing at you little pedophile little librarian it's like it's embarrassing you look like a piece of shit people are scared of you the kids are running and I was like what the fuck I remember coming home from a meeting being like these managers they're telling you what glasses to wear yeah get me on TV you bitch yeah and then you look back you're like no that's what a manager does yeah just like you look

ridiculous managing yes get something to change your life they don't just put you on TV oh dude I mean we know a guy I'm not gonna say his name but he he went into a manager's office I said you gotta get new teeth and he got you got veneers oh no yeah no offense I gotta get this manager well your mouth is small enough I think you can you can cover those piano keys you got there well the big mic I hold the mic I'm like welcome to the comedy connection everybody yeah yeah but the mouth that that's unique Steve Buscemi he said if I wouldn't have gotten any parts this guy's disgusting parts and I agree we're

in the business of you can be the fattest piece of shit you can be the baldest you can be the ugliest and that's your thing yeah comedy it's good yeah I'm the teeth guy there you go there you go there we go all right small mouth it hurts you gotta move your teeth I was to move teeth I had braces for five six years it was a fucking nightmare five years oh yeah I mean into high school 8th 7th 8th grade 9th grade 10th grade 11th I mean these are formative years fatty I'm getting spit on by women I had them in eighth and ninth grade and then as soon as I took them off they just went right back it

was horrible so I have braces and crooked teeth that's the worst you got rooked I had they were like you're a piece of shit railroad mouth you come back and now it's a pet cemetery most what the fuck is this sure sure wow you got fucked you got the worst of both they fucked me I mean I did an old bit about it because there was like they left like these weird glue stands all the glue and they were like the dentist was like wow that can come from braces I'm like a side-effect of braces is crooked yellow teeth and then there was something else to that joke I can't remember the rest I'll tell you my

orthodontist office was it was out in Metterie which is like the suburb of New Orleans like all the rich white flight moved there and the orthodontist looked like Jay Peterman he was like a handsome guy tall with flowy white hair every dental hygienist assistant whatever they are where smoke shows it was like the diner scene like you know something in common with all these waitresses Russ Meyer yes all huge cans popping out of the top of the scrubs and you know as a 14 year old you're like I'm drooling she's like we need the sucky thing I'm like yes sucky and my dad always be like I'll bring it wow I wonder if they're

still there maybe I should go down there and get them straightened a couple years in Exeter what would you say what's called Metterie Metterie yeah that tree I met tree yeah but it was wild I mean it was it was a hot that was like a Maxim ad in there boy Maxim was cool by the way someone gave us those playboys from from the Seinfeld episode yeah what's well thumb through it I'm like this is a great idea what tits I mean that's a that's kind of a winner no playboy I'm reading this some good article I got an interview with whoever and then there's a bunch of put like you read an article you flip the page in

this beaver and nipples you can't lose I'm like what are we talking about this is like the best idea ever apparently he was a little rough around the edges but well he was a bad guy I mean what he's a bad seed what do you want me to shoot him but still playboy bring it back yeah the internet now well the article that was the big joke I read the articles but the articles were amazing so you get tits and then you're like oh this is the best stereo system to buy this is the coolest car this is the nice suit you can't lose I still think we had a good idea there with the playboy after dark show yeah we were trying to recreate it

we did it once at Fab like we invited industry and it really really laid an egg it was bad yeah that was a real kick in the dick but we had an idea that was good it was good we had the hot guy shirtless who was ripped we had dirty questions interviews it was fun it was like the playboy mansion show Hugh Hefner but instead of hot babes we had hot men we objectified the men exactly to make it a little more you know PC or whatever good for the goose is good for the gander but we we dressed up and everyone's dressed in heels in the shirtless but it just it didn't it didn't take well it didn't it wasn't clear

what we were doing it was like why is that guy shirtless you guys aren't hot it was too confusing you should do it Tuesdays after dark we should try we should try it again yeah we should try it again because I think also Bobby was on and he didn't get it so he was kind of making fun of it and the waiter just came up and stood there Nick who looked great but it didn't it didn't come off and you can't we had to do it a controlled environment yes yes it was a little sloppy and we didn't pull it off but you know it was the early phases early infancy it's always funny when you're like this will sell and then they

left being like what the hell was that I think that's most of my ideas I'm like this will be good then the one you're like this stinks that one hits right very strange what a wacky biz but I just got to make your own shit and fuck your own ass now we just make it ourselves we could shoot it chocolate edit it for a couple years and then we'll have it out by the time yeah 2028 all right but the 6,000 goal on the patreon we hit 6,000 we'll do it Tuesdays after dark live right now for patrons probably like 5,200 800 people get on yeah one the pit by the way Chuck went in while we were all

gone Chuck went in after hours and and organized everything how many things are on there well we're gonna I want to figure out a way to really kind of succinctly say it but there's like almost 300 exclusive audio episodes videos but like what was cool is now you can go on the Tuesdays patreon and just search any comedian that's been on and every one of their appearances will show up wow Robert Kelly wow Burt Kreischer Amy Schumer shows up in a live show Wolf Dancer Dan Soder everybody's in there Ari you know who you are you're the Marie Kondo of podcasting you organize you know you bring joy you

bring all right right you got rid of it you kept it open closet and then you came out of it so if we get to 6,000 patrons we'll do the after dark if we get to 7,000 we'll snap Chuck's microphone in to 7,000 patrons we're gonna get to 20,000 we'll cut the cord on his microphone thousand voice box removed 9,000 you come in your fuck is the larynxless mouse yes and you fuck his little trollop she's got hook it up at his house whoa so yeah that's one goal at a time here but people creating accounts just to get in there yeah I know you're a goner everything's organized now so you can you can see how

many must-queef TVs we have and how many bonuses and it's outrageous I think that before it was tough to know exactly people that aren't on the patreon they're like I don't know what's on there is literally like I don't know how many hours of content but over 500 maybe you know it's crazy that's patreon in the biz yeah it's something we do we go through all the old Seinfelds we do Q&As on that we got the stranger by the lake thing is on there every live episode we've ever done that Austin one with Bennington and Chris D that was like the greatest episode ever forgot about that there's like 17 live

episodes which I was surprised to know I thought there was only going to be like six but there's 17 live episode got extra comics every time soul Jules we got the LA improv yeah we're all over the road okay that's the documentary series oh hockey sets is over five hours long for that wow it's crazy it's all documentary for three bucks three dollars we fucked up we fucked up my stupid idea it was all we'll do it for three because that's three is better than five I'm an idiot well you guys are getting a steal and Gillis is a dollar so we're not that stupid we're not a stupid no he doesn't do that anymore I

heard ah we're stupid again it was good because they saw a comment on the patreon that's like now that they don't have you know Gillis doesn't have the dollar anymore this is the cheapest and best patreon out there cheapest best deal in town fatties three dollars this this this cup of tea cost four dollars and eight cents oh you got ripped what's going to be three a day if people are like invested in you guys the old stuff of the green of the green room hangs and the then the what's it called when you guys would go out and do it satellite queefs all your stuff it's like you guys like Joe and Robert

Kelly driving it's you and Chris Allen the country wow that's not like your asshole tore open that started as a fart and then the asshole I'm gonna get paper towel that was like please yeah that sounded like a creature from Star Wars swallowed Luke yeah we get the 9000 I'll do a colonic whoo that was bad news bears yanks a runy three room all right we gotta get into it because yeah you got a lot I understand I mean you did the big oh yeah pod which is why we were a day late yeah last week not me yeah my fault jerk offs my fault I got like three different people being like I know it

was you it was like Fredo at New Year's Eve yeah well Joe's gonna rob a bank in the 20s but hold on here yeah that was my fault I was late had to do the big the big you know what the Kramer name might move on yeah he's late let me just get to a couple things here please Tuesday's with stories folks is also brought to you by Express VPN use the internet without Express using the internet without Express VPN is like leaving your keys in your car while you run into the gas station for a snack most of the time you're probably fine but what if you come back to see someone else driving off with your car that would stink every

time you connect to an unencrypted network like at hotels and airports any hacker on the same network can gain access to your personal data that is terrifying it doesn't take much technical technical knowledge to hack someone a 12 year old could do it encryption creates a secure tunnel between your device and the internet it's encrypted so hackers can steal your sensitive data I use this that's why I use it because I you know I don't want anyone to know where I've been on the internet I mean I've been all over town I'm looking up you know men who wear dresses lipstick on a lady I don't want this getting out

there so when I'm using Express VPN I know I'm getting the best protection it's like having a junkyard dog with me online you know what I mean if someone's trying something they got it they're on it this stuff is great you got to use it I'd take a hacker with a supercomputer over a billion years to get past my Express VPN encryption it's easy to use fire up that and click one button to get protected and it works on all devices folks phones laptops tablets desk lamp always stay safe secure your online data today by visiting Express VPN dot com slash Tuesdays that's EXPR ESS VPN dot com slash Tuesdays and get an extra three

months free Express VPN dot com slash Tuesdays here here fume Tuesday stories brought about fume fumes a safe way to quit smoking fumes 100% Canadian maple handcrafted inhaler is made to replace the hand-to-mouth habit that is a problem simply insert one of their non-addictive flavored cores fumes cores coming does the flavors like peppermint and lemon berry bliss love the berry bliss I think it's great the the little pipe is so cute I like to chew on it it's fun you just want something in your mouth folks that's all it's about and the flavors are great there's no smoke no vape and no nicotine to worry about even

if you're not trying to quit smoking fumes cores can help with relaxation energy and more yeah I just keep it on me and play with it whenever good to puff on it whether you're a smoker an ex smoker who still struggles with cravings fume is the perfect tool for you head to breathe fume dot com slash Tuesdays use promo code Tuesdays to save 10% off your entire order save money by eliminating cigarettes and save on your initial purchase of fume that's 10% off your entire order at breathe fume dot com slash Tuesdays B-R-E-A-T-H-E-F-U-M dot com slash Tuesdays get on it first off I want to give

a shout out to chump the restaurant in Providence Rhode Island that had us after hours open bar open food we ate like kings we like Queens and the food was great the booze was great the people were great so go eat there I think you're opening a new one what are we talking those steakhouse burgers like gourmet burgers super upscale he got a salmon burger unreal wings were wicked good the fries were incredible they give us shit to you know you're dipping they have eight sauces I'm dipping he's like that one is made homemade in my apartment that's my jizz that's my placenta I was like this guy gives a

shit yeah I love to eat some jizz Nikki Holden is one of the chefs there and she reached out to me that day and she's like do you think Mark would be interested in coming for a private party at chomp afterwards and I was like yes he would you give me free food I'll eat your ass so bring it on like a salmon burger is off putting to me like salmon is one of my favorite foods I love a filet I want a salmon but I'm like but a burger is a burger I want a salmon burger shot like I want to eat jizz but I want a jizz burger no you don't want that it's too much bread is not enough it's not a good ratio yes it's weird of food is

like that you know like this way is great but if you do this it sucks yeah I'm trying to think of other examples you know oh like like a tuna melt you're like that's horrific but it's just cheese on tuna but you're like I love cheese I love tuna but together yeah maybe that's a bad example I know you mean but like and then there's like on a cheese burger you got cheese and you put ketchup on it but any other situation ketchup on cheese is weird macaroni and cheese with ketchup yeah you got a point cheese and ketchup no good but cheese and ketchup on a burger pretty good pretty great yeah even pickle and cheese you

wouldn't put a pickle in cheese but a cheese burger with a pickle is great yeah interesting you'd never wrap a pickle in a pickle spear and cheese like a crap it's easy all right so I ate a chomp chomp was great but now let me get back to West Palm Beach PBI improv so it's a it's a slog it's a tough one it's a great club but it's just a bunch of animals out there it's Florida baby these guys are rich they're drunk and they're Floridians Florida is just such a mishmash of like Cubans old people Jews like Hulk Hogan it's everything yeah the bushwhackers do yes and the bush women so we get down there and it's Friday

late show and you go Friday late show notoriously bad but you know what that's a myth what are you gonna do and Brittany brave is hosting she's great she goes up and I always do the like she comes off she's a goddamn tornado up there she just whips him into shape and she comes off she's like sweating she's like they're a little rowdy and I'm like bad she's like okay okay so this guy the feature Carl Remy killer just a beast never heard of him he just came out swinging great comic he goes up and he's doing well but he's doing like the all right can we can we cool here let me let me finish this bit you know a lot of

that stuff and I'm like so he gets off and he's like not my favorite everybody's trying to be nice right you don't want to just go they're a nightmare they're hell on wheels it's the Holocaust out there so they go you know what are you gonna do right so Amy Remy so I go up and this is the part about headlining that's a cunt first you get the check spots yep also they're drunker your night has their night has elongated like an hour and it's just sitting down and doing shots so I get to the front and they're already hooting and hollering you know when you're walking to the stage and you hear people talking yeah I'm

fucked out of the gate yes so I look down front row there's it just a long table of hot twinks shirts open up to here you know chest hair though the necklaces the slicked hair all this shit cool Hawaiian shirts sexy ripped guys they're all probably 19 head of the table is this fat gay guy with a crazy floral shirt all the way open and on my first walk up my first impression is him holding a bottle of Patron and doing this oh my god a bottle a bottle that squary kind of fat bottle oh my god and I'm like well this is gonna be rough and kind of club let you just have a bottle of Patron table I mean he's in

VIP he's insanely rich so they're like we're selling bottles of this fucking douche wow so he's a fat gay guy and he's nice and he's cute and he's rich and I'm like alright buddy alright he's like am I alright you know I'm talking full on Mel Brooks Broadway gay guy wow you know Broadway gay and these are all his horde of just sexy little men yeah that sounds like a fantasy my wife's out of town but yeah yeah he's just got a table of otters here and they're all doing his beck and call so I'm just trying to stay in line and every joke he liked he would go like that like fucking Springsteen's drummer or sex

guy what's his name Claire the Clemens thank you CC welcome back Otter and he's high-fiving all of his little gaggle of cute men and they're all like they love him and he's he's the alpha and I'm just like what is going on and I keep doing like the hey anybody want to help me out here to the staff you're like this is getting out of hand and then my first 20 minutes I come out guns blazing and then I like to dial it back and do some maybe a little thoughtful stuff maybe a bit about anxiety or you know a bit about family you know it's not just like dick dick dick and that's where I the whole thing goes off the rails right when I

let off the gas they they scatter he gets another bottle anytime the waiter comes by he's doing this excuse me excuse me so now he's got a new bottle Patron he gets up and he's walking around the floor pouring it into people's mouth what I'm telling you Fanny this is like I can't even describe the chaos I'm dealing with I'm babysitting here what kind of club is this well they're like a party nightclub thing vibe in there but it's Tampa the only good comedy town in Florida it feels like that because Miami's a nightmare nightmare sounds like Palm Beach sucks it's tough I don't want to shit on the club it's a good club the

staff is nice but this is all the way it's a 500 seater 500 plus this guy's all the way in the front so there are the securities all in the back just like mmm I'm like it's all happening right here but they don't see it I mean this is so frustrating because I mean I haven't been booked at this club so maybe I can step it's a huge room but I mean how is someone not stopping a guy for walking around serving drinks I think that's legal maybe a log and not in Florida baby they don't give a shit they got bath salts so Christ I wanted to pull an Orlando shooting and just mow the place down but this is out of control so the

guys pouring shit in people's mouth and I go hello like I turn to the gay guy I'm like hello anyone here this is out of control and finally security comes by and they just sit him down and they're like pat him on the head and he's like whoa what are you gonna do he jerks the guy off and then the guy goes back to the back and I'm like come on I'm pouring sweat I feel like I got eight children running around an apartment and I'm like one of them is lighting the stove on fire what I'm putting a knife in the outlet you know it was bananas and you just lose them every setup they just kind of trail off and they go back like

this is boring what are you up to should I blow you you want to do another shot and just the amount of booze so here's the clinker I go I do an hour half of it is just going hey what do you go what's going on here put that down shut up stop that and I get off stage I'm like so then management walks in and they're like we're so sorry which was very nice like they actually gave a fuck and they're like hey we're sorry that was crazy we didn't really know what to do we weren't sure if we should throw him out and make a scene right right the scene was made he made the scene it would have been two minutes of awkwardness

throwing him out and then it would have been fine right it's tricky sometimes because then they think oh maybe he's having fun with it laughs plus if they throw him out he's gonna you know throw a fit it's the whole front table it's always an issue it's the person in the front always an issue and he paid for the VIP tickets he paid for his whole gaggle who knows what he spent on booze so I get it they don't want to see probably like a returning customer so I'm in the in the green room steaming and they go you're gonna sell shirts because I sell shirts after every show and I'm like I can't do it I'm just too wiped up too

angry if I see that guy he's gonna go I was just laughing you know and I'm gonna be like I can't handle it so in walks the feature after like 45 minutes of selling shirts and dealing with the crowd he's like what the hell happened man they were all asking for you out there I'm like I couldn't do it he goes the gay rich guy bought all of my merch and he didn't take any of it he was like he had boxes of merch he's like how much for all this and he was like hold on I don't know eight grand and he goes here's eight grand what and then he didn't take any shirts I was like a grand he just handed him eight grand wow

eight grand but whatever it was I mean this is insane I gotta get this guy to my show I know great grand you could pour tequila in my asshole and have sex with my dad in front of me I figured the guy was you know out riding fences and blowing a horse I didn't think he would be out there buying shit wow this guy just sounds like something else I mean I want to meet this fella this should be a film about him he was a kingpin or a queenpin but this guy I mean he was not so he was boncos and this guy's boncos I got double fucked like your teeth and the braces thing because the show is was a fucking nightmare and then I could

have sacked up and gone out there and sold everything but I didn't and I got fucked there ah Jesus but this feature steamy remies like live in the high life he killed it he was great and I'm glad he made the money the guys putting out a film called I possessed so he's doing a I told all about your thing he's doing a YouTube movie good for him I possessed yeah all right I'll check it out yeah a remie yeah made it with his own money the whole thing yeah made it with this gayfellows money yes apparently so but the club was very cool they would apologize and they're like whatever you want and so they did a

beautiful thing which I've never seen a club do this is this is why it's a great club they go the room is huge we're gonna sit a bouncer in the front of the stage just sitting there looking at the crowd much like an arena show yeah you know they do that so sure so that was a game changer and then Saturday night both shows were amazing just having that guy there and people would be like what are you getting you get in the stake in the lobster he goes shh I was like oh my god I want to hire a guy to do this every show yeah well you're you were you initiated you changed the game yes well you know it took a took a big ass rape

to happen but we got it to happen and let me ask you this there's lobby Jalopy what do you think about the check spot a lot of a lot of clubs go whatever you want you want Don P you were you sold out you added a show you want to pick up in the limo and you what about just saying I want no checks yeah I don't I mean this is a classic thing I did my album at Buffalo helium two albums ago or three whenever it was and they were like because you're recording an album no check exactly and the week I don't know what went on but the weekend came and went in the club still there so I'm like couldn't you do that can you just

pretend everyone's recording an album every week I don't get it well I think they don't like doing it they have all these little dumb rules but I think they're like we've done it for 30 years this way we just don't want to change I gotta retrain the waitstaff I got to get a bouncer in the back now and some clubs do it I know so I don't know it's very frustrating and it the check spot is easier when you sell tickets because they're mindful sure they don't want to miss it agreed if I went to a Pearl Jam show and someone came over and was like oh here you go yes you know so I think that helps but still it's

frustrating and I always talk about last call is tough too yeah like last call you want to drink you want one more who wants one more so it's just tricky but I mean you're doing theaters soon so this will all be in the past and I'll tell you you do that I like to pepper in a theater because you still need that club humbleness but the theater there's no wings there's no check there's no drink order I mean it's really a dream yeah that that checks when those checks come out it's time some clubs will even do it like a quadrant at a time I love the quadrant here you get it so they get finished but yeah it's tricky I don't

think people understand yeah on comics understand how how crazy it is I know checks come it's a fascinating way to treat art not to sound like a quiff but it's like imagine doing that during lame is like I know hold on let me come around you had the my tie oh you didn't pay enough your credit card didn't go through sorry blah blah blah it's like what are we doing here yeah it's a little silly I think it could I think it could end but I do hate this club sounds great but I do hate when immediately afterwards they're like we're so sorry like so you're aware something was going on I yeah it's I don't want to pry because the club is

very nice and they were cool but it was a real kick in the dick where you're like I don't know I'm an entertainer you got to like this shouldn't be a party atmosphere yes but what the hell do I know I hear you all right very frustrating he hears they're there so after that you ever have this now this is I'm gonna get a little vulnerable here at air fat ease but I think after the bachelor party after Florida after Martha's vineyard after the mushrooms I went into this wild rut the rut the slump hate a slump night in the ruts the head is foggy you can't think of anything you're not getting any sleep you're sad

you're just cloudy and and and bummery yeah well it happens I mean first of all it's like you're out of whack not in any kind of routine people need some kind of routine stability sleep you need it you crave it it's on it's a molecular level yes molecular and you have that and then you also have that come down of like I've been traveling all over that it's coming gone that was so much fun I didn't have time to reflect and take it in yep yep and you got the shows and the meet and greet and the travel and I'm having a thing right now where Sarah is out of town for a month it's been a week and it throws you off kilter because

you used to come at home yes we call it podcast you do a little podcast you're like then this happened that was crazy this was happening that was wild you have sex you sleep next to a person yes and it throws you off kilter totally time changes early flights nap on a flight that and I'm throwing poison on top of all this by the way yes of course and then you have this thing of like what's it all for that was a blur is this anything does this mean anything plus we're in our 40s but to get married which is traumatic of course I mean when I was getting married I was like losing my mind that's when I was going through all

my dental stuff panic attacks anxiety interesting because it's a it's change good or bad is traumatic of course a good change it's a shift it's a big shift so it's it's like drama and you're like what am I doing I'm committed to this part this is a huge marriage and the whole thing about marriage too is like till death do us part so like death is in there you're like oh my god the rest of my life the rest it's the only decision you make that you're like this is the rest of my life I mean for some of us I mean you know it's like 60% chance you'll get divorced but I might get divorced this month my wife's out of town and well

did you have the the initial like hey out of town for a month I'm going full Kevin McAllister you jump on the bed you're drinking Coca-Cola and making chocolate milk and pizza oh I've been sleeping in her pantyhose I mean I put them on every night or her fishnets and I try to fit into those heels but her feet are little Asian but I got bras on I'm wearing lipstick I watch tennis you know I'm sitting I'm sitting like this with thigh highs I'm doing the toe tap it's quite nice being a woman it is fun parts they're the hitting beginning hit by Ray Rice no it's great because you know you you change ironically they

throw rice at the wedding ah not ready rice that the elevator hit was fucked up on so many different levels because the elevator yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it adds its ups and downs I was floored I like it yeah she really pushed his buttons yeah I don't think either any of these are great yeah you know tower of terror was the ride it was an elevator remember that ride okay okay that Disney World or something yeah yeah well that that slap really lifted her up now the lift lift oh boy yeah how old is that reference but any jizz so it's having her gone you're like it's exciting because I'm watching it happens to be the

tennis tournament so I'm watching all tennis without feeling bad of like you want me to put something on I'm sorry that's that's fun so that part's nice but then when it's time for bed also I can't lie I want to get laid I want sex I like set we have regular sex so you're not having sex that throws you off killer let me ask you this please what percentage of your thoughts are sexual because I'm like 40 years old I think it's still about 78 79% well even if you try to avoid it you see a photo you see a TV thing you see a lady on the street it's it's unavoidable it's just and it's I know guys get called creeps and we get

called animals and hornballs but it's in the DNA it's in the wiring I know you see a lady with a leg or a shoulder or a cleave it's just like it's all you think about I mean your aunt walks in with cleavage you're like well look at those tits yeah it makes you may not want to fuck her tits or you may in my case but it sends you off into tit yes you go to tit land it's a easy exit titlandia yes you know it's weird but yeah I get I'm down about you know 30% of the time but you just have to accept you're like this makes sense people should be down at some point it would be weird if you were just never down what would be down what

are you talking about down down I think I'm down to fuck no no I'm still talking about ETF now I was bringing it back to the slump you should be down yes yes it's part of life happy and sad or two sides of the same coin you can't have one without the other love and marriage horse and carriage sun and rain moon and sun but you know this is a big crazy time in your life you're starting to go to theaters you're trying to buy a house you're getting married a lot of plates it's crazy that you're not fucked up more often you should be the sunk I get but I also self-medicate which is a it's short money because it's gonna hit you

later harder you know with the booze and the sleeping pills or whatever yeah no that's all terrible doesn't make any sense yeah it's silly so yeah you get you get slumpy and I'm lumpy and slumpy all the time yeah yeah well slumpy Johnson but across to bear yeah but you I mean you're an inspiration there fatty I mean the Zen the sobriety the mindfulness well not anal I'm trying but it's a battle and I have to battle all these things just to stay near an even cute just to stay even close I mean I went to the open on Tuesday of last week now if you're hearing this but I was there and I was like Sarah's out of town so I'm

just going by myself anyways no one likes tennis as much as I do that I know of so I'm like this way I can run from one match to the other I can go the bathroom I want to go this is freedom sure that's the way I want because often you're like okay I know this matches can we run to this mat people like run to another match what does this mean I like the freedom love the freedom but then like five six hours in it's this festive atmosphere and I'm like I'm the only person here by myself yeah there's no one to enjoy it with and I always think about Into the Wild amazing book decent movie sure where he scrawls in at the

very every before he dies he writes happiness is only real when enjoyed with others those like is dying like thing and so you're like I'm enjoying this but you're just like I wish there was someone to be like how about that well that was crazy it's the balance you know you're at home with the thigh highs and the butt plug and then after four days you go I want someone to watch me put a butt plug in exactly and it's this this battle this thing was I'm so drawn to isolation but what makes you happy is being with other people but then also that causes all this anxiety because you're like you're trying to be like

wait there's a million things I should be doing but I'm just hanging out so it's like it's such a weird balance totally and all of our natural instincts are fucking wrong so often where I'm like let me drink that'll make me feel better but that's not gonna help I'm like let me isolate but that doesn't make you feel better yep yep and it's very tricky life is very difficult it's tricky but I think that's a good argument for marriage like sure it has its downfalls and you want to kill people and you hate everybody but I heard a guy say something and it's stuck with me you know obviously marriage is terrifying and you know

against every fiber it might be and but I heard a guy say if you're 50 and you're you don't have a wife or a kid it's pretty fucking lonely yeah well I just and I'm sure about this about 80% of our listeners so shout out to those unmarried 50 year olds they'll get there but no I mean I have that this week where you're like I mean I guess when you're single maybe you're fucking now with the tender and grinder but I'm sitting at home being like I'm lonely as shit I'm just sitting there going really well you're picking a movie it's exciting but day five day six day seven you're like well this is a

bummer yeah and you like to have that embassy and then hugs I love to just sit in the huh good drugs not a foot spoon I'll spoon the foot I'll spoon from behind big spooner and yeah it's tricky but at the same time you want that companionship but there's also that thing and you're like I'd like to fuck every single one of course yeah yeah you got to weigh that again with the balance you know so I like I like how we are comedians we have this built-in break time with each other you know we go on the road I'm on the road every weekend and so like I come home and we're not sick of each other I'm happy to see or I

think that helps well that's what's weird for me is I'm used to being away from my wife a lot like 30% of the time but I usually because I'm on the road yeah on the road alone I love and I'm used to at home alone great movie is is very bizarre it's very strange because it feels empty and I think about these people who's like what do you call it partners die like I think about the Sarah's house sitting right now she's like it's lonely here it's scary it's a big house and I'm like her mother just lives there she was married for 50 years 50 years and their husband dies and she's just like just doing Sudoku oh it's it's brutal

so and you hear these stories about the husband dying the wife will die like a month later because that was her whole purpose or vice versa and that shit is terrifying but your tennis thing is a microcosm of life or you're living a lone thing it's like hey yeah it's fun in the beginning but you better have something on the back end right but that's marriage but another thing we have to do is you have to accept that sometimes your dad this is the problem now it's worse with social media and the phones and everything the moment you feel bored or lonely you go oh let me look at Instagram which is only making it

worse again it's the wrong instinct yeah but so you go I'm lonely let me let me jerk off let me let me call a friend let me fuck and sometimes it's like you should just be bored and that's the way we were as people for years of course you'd work all day and then you just sit and look at the fucking wall I know you'd read a book you'd stare at the sky the sunset you talk to your kid whatever it was but yeah now it's you're right it's the immediate I wake up and go what's what's cooking right you know and it's a it's a horrible way to live and again on the road it's all isolation so you're just on that phone I'd see the

screen time numbers and I'm like oh so embarrassing but I'm trying to cope and when you're not whether you know it or not whether it's conscious or subconscious you're comparing all day because you're looking at other people sure you're going I wish I was on the ocean I wish I was selling this many tickets I wish I had a way I wish I could fuck I wish I was skydiving so you're constantly comparing and it exaggerates the loneliness because everyone on there is having the time of their life yeah yeah which is also fake yes it's also you have to remember that too I mean there's people that like I'm

like oh my god he's at this place he's selling this play then you talk to that person it's like I'm at the lowest of my life I know isn't that fascinating so I try to remind myself hey you're doing great things are cooking but weird little things seep in you read one bad comment and it just snowballs in your asshole and that's a bitch but I did what you said I just accepted I was like man I am in a slump I'm in a hilton high-rise looking out at West Palm Beach it's a beautiful town the sky is blue and I'm like in a nightgown you know like with the bonbon chocolate on my cheeks and I'm like what am I doing and I just

sat there and I dealt with it and it sucks yes it sucks and you go to Starbucks and you go hey I'll have a coffee and they have no idea right all time you're going ah hug me you fat black lady I just need a hug you know but you get through it yeah you get through it and boy I'd love to hug a fat black bring it on there star Jones or whoever by the way the longer your interrelation the more you want to fuck everybody yeah lesbians man whole thing everybody but yeah there's a there's a fun AA slogan halt which you got to stop pause and then the halt coming hungry angry lonely tired you're probably one of those four things

when you're feeling lonely tired yeah so those are probably one of the four things you're like oh which one of these am I maybe you're all four I like to throw horny in there like to say halt I like that halt because sometimes you're you're horny oh halt works too wait a hungry angry lonely lonely tired so no you they got rid of the you doesn't halt ever you know you all you well the language is very tricky but but you know it's probably one of those things maybe you're hungry maybe you're angry maybe you're lonely maybe you're tired you're probably lonely and tired in this yeah a lot of that and hung over so I got a

couple ages yeah you got a halt yeah but yeah and the booze is no good either it's just poison it's a depressant you're dumping a depressant in your body yeah which is so weird because it makes you happy for 10 minutes yeah it makes you think you're happy interesting yeah well you heard it here first folks well speaking of booze I went on the drunkest show of my life last week that's why the show is late so just bopping around I had I was I'm Sarah I've been home and you know three months and felt like the bachelor party Martha's vineyard West Palm Beach Austin so we leave West Palm Beach we go straight to Austin or me

me and my horrible thoughts I land in I oh wait no oh my god I forgot about this a word from our sponsor better help sometimes you can fixate on a problem for so long that you don't take the time to find a solution it can be tough to train your brain to stay in problem-solving mode when faced with a challenge in life but when you learn how to find your own solutions there's no better feeling a therapist can help you become a better person and a better problem-solver making it easier to accomplish your goals no matter how big or how small I'm a big believer in therapy August all these therapists go

out of town and I wish I was using the better help this past month because I was just waiting for my therapist to come back and I've been I've been struggling I've been all over the place I started doing cocaine again and you know my my my uncle and I got in a huge fistfight I'm so glad my therapist is coming back this week you got to get some therapy I know there's a lot of you some of you have tweeted at me commented written things and as soon as I hear from you I think this person needs therapy you know what you need you need better help it's online therapy that offers video phone and chat therapy

sessions you can choose not to see anyone on camera if you want if you're as ugly as I am it's much more affordable than in-person therapy I'm telling you you got to get on it my life is as good as it is because I started going to therapy I went to everyone as a child that's what a mess I was I was a child therapist you can do that here too when you want to be a better problem solver therapy can get you there visit better help dot com slash Tuesdays today to get 10% off your first month that's better H E L P dot com slash Tuesdays Tuesdays brought to you by draft Kings baby football fans the first Sunday of the

NFL season is here and draft Kings sportsbook and official sports betting partner out of the NFL is giving new customers an offer to celebrate the return of the NFL new customers can bet just five clams and get 200 in free bets instantly holy hell free money folks as an added bonus for week one everyone can experience the thrill of draft Kings early win promotion here you go bet on an NFL team to win if your team leads by 10 at any point during the game you get paid instantly even if your team loses holy hell you got to get on this folks download the draft Kings sportsbook app now and use promo code Tuesdays to get

$200 in free bets instantly when you place a $5 bet this Sunday that's code Tuesdays only a draft Kings sportsbook an official sports betting partner of the NFL minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply see show notes for details draft Kings sportsbook app use promo code Tuesdays get on it West Palm Beach finish on Saturday night two shows sell merch we sell out we take a lot of photos a lot of gays a lot of queefs get on a plane early the next morning at a West Palm Beach Portland Maine oh right one of my favorite cities my home sweet home really well New England I go to Portland every year every summer since

I was three beautiful town I always heard about Portland it's a jewel it's a beauty and I went up there and it did not disappoint I always say is one of America's most underrated cities although it's gotten a little messy I think in the last few years but they got some great they used to have the best comedy club I'm sure I've talked about before Portland comedy connection when I was starting out was the best club it was on a wharf and it was all like warped it was a warped wharf wharf warped wharf let's try to say that warped wharf yeah that ain't easy pretty good warped wharf halt take it for a spin warped wharf

well you gotta say it what the fuck is this Jesus Christ wharf wharf you're really soaking up all the time you can get it sounds like wharf when I say it's a warped wharf warped wharf but it was hot it was one of those comedy rooms where they say like if you don't do well there I gotcha and I would emcee and murder the stage was this high wow pack them in legendary room it was incredible wow how did they people live there I don't get it what do you think like a hundred thousand people live there all year to city yeah maybe a hundred thousand I don't know but they would come from around you know the surrounding area yeah

when I got there it was a fucking a cruise ship pulled up all these Canadians come out and buy a bunch of horseshit oh yeah I took the Scotia Prince there that's where the terrorists took it is that right terrorist took it from from Yamath Nova Scotia down to a new Scotland how do you like that yeah I like it a lot all right so Portland Maine never been there and you just land that plane you get out it's a cute little airport it's already more fun and you get to the hotel and I'm like driving I'm like in my Uber going this is adorable this is so pretty it's the best I love it I long for it only one

syllable state more coastline than California you got that right and toothpicks they call it a jet port for some reason Portland jet that's right I don't know why that sounds better jet port it's pretty fun he's having a jet in there I'm in like a black magazine so I get to Portland Maine I'm a little walk you I'm starting to come out of my rut two shows at the aura and I go it's three o'clock my shows are at eight and ten and I'm gonna walk this whole town for four hours so I kid I drop my bag off I take a shit I jerk it I go down stairs and I just walk the wharf I get a bowl of clam chow I love that town it's

one of the best it's I long for it it's in my bones yes a lot of fishermen a lot of a lot of peers and restaurants and crabs and whatnot so just had a great time a lot of gays out there and the shows were killer one of those magical things where it's like the bill birthing the first show is good second show is magic because you're like I'm living out of a suitcase I'm in the middle of Maine I don't know where the fuck I am I was in Florida 10 hours ago and I'm killing and it's like that's just about I'm with these strangers I'll never see again and they had a great time I had a great time and I pack up my notes and I leave well

this is the thing about Portland is they're hungry for it they're grateful it's so hard and there was that one venue I did right before pandemic that I was like this is gonna be the spot I remember telling you about it I was like everyone's gonna come here yeah pandemic ruined it but there's such good crowds they're the good people hard-working blue-collar they're my people good and they're just so thrilled if you come there cuz it's not a stop on any place no no stop no stop and I'll be back I mean that was a humdinger and we got some drunks in there but it was all positive and all fun and pipes and I got my shit together and I

you know I left and I had a 6 a.m. flight out of Portland Oregon connected Atlanta the whole thing so I'm walking it's dark I'm walking through the neighborhood back to my holiday in and all these people going Tuesday we saw the show great one guy gave me a signed photo of death from family guy oh and it's Norm McDonald signed it because it's been to death that's right Adam Corolla was the other one so I'll put that puppy so thank you whoever I was and one guy was like signed my notebook and he had all these big legendary names in there so that was fun and go back to the hotel get two hours of sleep wake up get on a

flight and I had this one I go to the the desk how we doing on time oh shit I gotta wrap this up well we got time okay so I went to the desk and I go call me crazy because everybody's going hey there's not a lot of ubers here it's Portland Maine you know take it easy and I'm leaving at 4 30 or whatever I got to be at the airport at 5 so I go hey just can I just get a cab I need a cab I don't trust the uber and he goes you know there's a shuttle leaving with all the airport crew who had 445 do you want that sexy I was like I'm in so I get my shit together I'm half in the bag I'm sleepy I get on my shuttle and it's me

and a bunch of Delta queues that it's fun I got a captain in there I got the flight attendant ladies wow and that was fun you're like man I am really a road guy you know it feels real I mean do they have the the heels with the whole thing it's the blue the purple the color is the hair we're done like they got it wasn't got up at 3 and did the makeup and the wings the whole thing oh so go to the airport slip right through and then fly to Austin Tejas land in Texas go straight to the hotel and Rogan goes he's texting all of us we have a protect our parks thread and he goes you guys all here you want to see the new

club oh I don't know how much I can divulge but we're like sure why not I'm on no sleep I'm all banged up I'm trying to chug coffee don't you hate that too where I get to the hotel Ari and Shane are walking out of the hotel and they go let's go to the club but I go let me just put the bag up and you go up to the room and you're like I'm in the room I'm so tired but I have to go right back down I know I know I know that feeling well but you sack up you have your rally went back downstairs we walk to the comedy club on whatever street I don't give too much away it's amazing he's walking is through it's all these

construction guys he's going this is gonna be the main room this will be the little room we're gonna lower this ceiling this stage will come down a foot and he's like this is the green room this is the bar like oh I can see the whole thing it's incredible oh god I can't wait it's just like this magical room that he's constructing like with years of knowledge of all these comedy clubs and it's perfection wow and so I want to know where it is I'll tell you all right so that was cool so you're like wow you are really like doing something here and then we go to the studio and we just do the pod and it's a

fun one and we just start drinking and it got a little hairy oh really you thought the last episode was bananas we're like how we gonna top it should we play a drinking game should we get rogan in a headlock should we fuck him in the ass what should we do here and we topped it wow and I don't know how much I can divulge cuz I don't know what he's gonna add it out all right cuz it's out now the time people are hearing it it's got to be out now it's gotta be out so you'll see for yourself if you haven't seen it already but uh click over there get in there all I'll say is we told him if he doesn't leave this thing in you're a

bitch oh wow you know and this is this is like the biggest broadcaster in America it's basically having Larry King take a shit on the desk like that's how crazy it was I remember that episode yes the suspenders were hard to get off wow it got wild and then we we were all banged up rogan was legless and we all went to kill Tony after which was we went we did about four and a half hours what I don't know how much will air we had a little way to take a lot out I mean we went hard with the language so then like a four and a half hours Tony's teched where the fuck are you guys it's we started at like three it's like eight something oh my

god we're like we're on our way and we get all we get to the Vulcan we get on kill Tony and we tell the story what happened we're having a great time Shane was just on fire it was bananas and then rogan shows up oh he must have done some some scoots or some snorts or some something cuz he was yeah he's back well he's got all he's got Iver Mectin and you know vitamin F whatever he's got he's got a lay down with the gloves the hot lady with the gloves hot lady with a glove and she does the the prick and the the shots and the medical stuff who knows and she hit him with a cocktail or something because he was I mean he was

sitting upright and just zigging and zagging and we had a great night and then I left there got on a flight and came home wow that sounds amazing can I ask a dumb question please where people gonna that guy from the hot wings story is gonna be like you're full of shit where do you watch rogan is it on YouTube set or to Spotify have a video their video and YouTube does clips but it's all Spotify video so I don't use spot I'm an Apple music guy well it got huge on YouTube first and then Spotify bought it I remember that so Spotify has what do they have a website so yeah so well they have basically I just found this out

recently basically they have like you can go into your your internet browser and go to Spotify.com and watch whatever or listen to whatever okay most people are watching on the Spotify app on their phone okay it's probably similar to like Apple podcast but it's Spotify and it has video but there's no longer a YouTube ass but they just take clips and put this clip okay I got you like your episode has a lot of clips up right yes we'll take a chunk like Joe list talks about Jay Leno right right whatever so wild wild night I haven't consumed that much alcohol in I don't know 10 years just just that pouring on whiskey I drink

I brought bodega cat by whiskey and just hawked it the whole time oh that's great and we just had a hoot and a holler I think I showed you the video yes yeah and it was just a magical time even Jamie was like we have to cut this is crazy we have to cut this so we're like no no no keep it rolling he's like I've never seen him like this this is bad we're like keep it rolling you piece of shit we had to like and it was just fucking bananas and we're just like this is the biggest show on the planet he I mean it's insane so whatever we do kill Tony fun times we fly back and here I am in New York and it's so nice to just be

back we had a crazy month it's nice to be back on our schedule we got the pod out and Chuck's gay and just good to be back in a routine can I just say real quick about mr. Rogan who I love that the day I was at the I talked to it last week at whatever it's called the podcast yeah I had a splitting headache so it's like I took some Tylenol he overhears he's like hey he's at the urinal he's like you shouldn't take Tylenol Tylenol is bad for your stomach fucks up your stomach the liver the thing and I talked to you and he's like he was hammer it was crazy I'm like do you think two Tylenol is worse than whatever it is

47 you know yeah he read an article in eight 1988 and it's stuck with him I'm like I'll put my two Tylenol up against your whatever they'll see they'll see the video you'll see it yeah you'll see you'll see it or you have seen it but no you're not wrong good stuff great up Chuck just kicked ass on the patreon yeah gotta go check it out condo when we get to 6,000 we'll do a Tuesdays after dark 7,000 we chop off Chuck's head yeah 9,000 we skull fuck them oh I got second so get on the patreon and I got Hollywood improv September 21st Wednesday 730 I got an inside scoop that this thing is funny to say inside it's my show of

course on the inside but this thing is selling very fast could sell out there may be special guests so get on there and then Royal Oak Michigan September 29th October 1st love Royal Oak come to that comedy castle fill that up and then I'm coming to Madison in December my favorite club ever Hartford funny bone coming up Syracuse funny bone these are all on comedian Joe list comm and go check out the special get that algorithm going yeah material I hate myself both on YouTube hell yeah alright this weekend I'm at the Richmond funny bone brand improv after that Bakersfield to for two shows San Jose improv Danforth Theatre

in Toronto Orlando improv back to Florida the Rococo Theatre where the hell's that Rococo yeah a tone now give that a good will you check our OCO CO Rococo I'm gonna put on the pantages in Lincoln Nebraska yeah and the Anglert Theatre see where that is E N GL ERT I'm agreeing to everything folks so that's Lincoln Nebraska Iowa city Iowa city and we're you know I was sure there you go no I wrote Revolution Hall in Portland Neptune Theatre Seattle funny bone Albany Zaini's in Nashville all kinds of wacky dates check out the patreon get on it we got a lot of fun stuff and get a mug