Tuesdays with Stories! - #469 Tractor Trailer Timmy

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

Tuesday's here! Joe kicks things off by disparaging the Beastie Boys and contemplating mortality. Mark barely makes a gig with Bert Kreischer after a canceled flight, and has to follow a killer set from Big Jay Oakerson! Joe goes to see the new Idris Elba movie BEAST and has a deplorable time! Mark reluctantly goes suit shopping and the boys argue about bowties! It's a riveting Tuesdays, baby!! Our Stuff: patreon.com/tuesdays  youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   Sponsors:  - Support the show and get 15% off your first order by visiting https://www.getfirstperson.com and use code Tuesdays. - Support the show: http://www.go.factor75.com/TUESDAYS130 use code TUESDAYS130 for $130 off - Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code TUESDAYS.   If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426- 2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522- 4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms.

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing hey folks we are really remember those old 80s bands used to really do those like there was more high kicks and fun a lot of fun spandex well now it's sad you have a fedora and like look down yes I always thought that

was weird with bands that was grunge brought that in they were very serious they even in the 80s though like you couldn't be like yeah but then you know you had your band hailing him might as well jump you know he's got hot pink pants on and a weird shoe string around his bicep for some reason yeah he was like the ultimate warrior yeah the whole 80s long hair hairspray spandex it was a good time yeah we're not gonna take it even the Beastie boys were fun back then the Beastie boys are the most frustrating musical artists of all time because sabotage and fight for your right I mean I'm a rock and roll guy sure I

mean those songs rip and then they rock and then they're like into the galactic planetary and then we're like you know like intergalactic it sucks what about sabotage was fun I got this fucking door I mean it's like it's kicked ass yeah sleep yeah did you ever see them play sabotage on David Letterman it's like one of the best performances on any late-night show it's crazy it's so cool just a bunch of fucking let but up a little boo boo I mean that ain't a plot galactic planetary whatever I can't buy this is crazy that song is amazing non-sense oh my god it's terrible

hip-hop of Beastie Boys hip-hop stuff railed here two minutes in you're already fighting I'm just saying what's gonna happen is girls hip-hop I mean I like girls I don't know I mean it's short shot was great yeah but yeah sorry but I mean I just think the inter-polactic sanitary and then they were doing like I don't know they stick but they're frustrating but yeah I just you have instruments play the instruments I know and then it's a wacky one because they're the number one artist the hip-hop artists of all time record wise or something like that I don't know maybe give that a go but they've they broke a lot of

records and you know the real rappers are like come on you're killing me with these Jews well I feel like outcast was rap and then they're like crossover I mean outcasts sold a million records that I know you like to think your whole shit don't stay and then there was roses so that means that's the same song maybe that one that album was huge fresh and clean clean then they had the hey yeah yes hey yeah that was big but before that they had a ah who's that fools everybody moved to the back of the bus yeah that was fun Rosa Parks yes she's good that was big yeah she was he was he was something it's he's one of those

things that every town claims her you know I go to like Illinois whatever Rosa Parks was here and then Grand Rapids they got Rosa Parks yes she had a miscarriage and Grand Rapids and she had diarrhea and in Rockville Center but any jazz it's good to be here by the way I saw the guy across the street a hallway yeah who's like 70 he's with his dad he's dad is like in his late hundreds he had he had two canes the kind with the claw the clock nothing could stop the claw the double tricep climb he was like walking like and then the guy was like how you how you feeling dad you seem to be getting along alright and I'm

like this no he doesn't yeah he's brittle what is it what's that thing inside of us do you have this he's a death door when you see the guy who's 115 walking like this that you just kind of want to kick his what is that well I think it's because it's a sure thing you know he's going down he's gonna topple like the tower seven you know he's Notre Dame he's going down it's so easy he would just shatter like like the guy and unbreakable do you have this thing sometimes because I think this is a symptom of OCD but then I think maybe it's normal where you're walking up you know 6th Avenue 5th Avenue any

numbered Avenue and you see someone walking and you just think wouldn't it be fun to just blast this person in the face and then take off we all have it it's a it's a psychological thing there's some term for it words you just like you know when you're on the edge of a building you maybe I'll just jump yeah might as well job compulsive something I told you the story before but pan you brought up Panama we were driving up to Montreal you know we used to go every few months to see the strippers and drink and right as we crossed the border Panama came on and at the chorus I turned down the volume and I went Canada we

just cried everybody went crazy it was like one of those highlights and you could feel everyone's excited but also you could feel that people were like this damn that was good that was good it was perfect timing and perfect Panama Canada you've never told me that I think I told you you probably forget I blacked it out that's great and it was like when you cross to it's all farm and you're so excited because you're driving all day and then you're closer to the tits they should adopt that Canada needs a little love they got the brown face they just had a stabbing spree the aboriginals or whatever that's going on there with the

the Native Americans or whatever but they should adopt that they need a little pep I say this story already I might be in reruns I can't tell oh boy but I was talking to my nephew about Halloween I go there every year for Halloween and he wants to be a ninja and I said I'll be a ninja maybe I'll paint my face all black and he goes yeah do it he's like you gotta do it yeah it's good he's a kid so there's no no one's told him sure that's the thing deep inside people he's like we are ninja right that's the be it's pure it's innocent I love that that's what it's so annoying about the cancel stuff because you're like he doesn't know

right you're just made up this weird world of rules that he doesn't know about indeed he's got no evil in him till he gets plowed but yeah yeah what can you do yeah I dressed up as a Pocahontas all kinds of Native America I had the head dress I had the bow and arrow I had the blood on my face and all that I was I dressed up as what's his name the black Ghostbuster Oh Ernie must be Eddie Murphy really yeah he would have stolen it would have been so much better I'm not a huge Ghostbusters guy I love the GB it's fun but to me Bill Murray I mean by the way Chuck is just fuming I'm shitting on Beastie Boys and Ghostbusters is

fucking I'm not a good guy either really I appreciate it right up your dress like a Ghostbusters guy but I just think Bill Murray is the funny one and everyone else is kind of like well well they're scientists I know but they could be funny you can have some other funny Eddie Murphy would have been funny I think Bill Murray it was the comedy really he say I mean he was my hero growing up and then Eddie Murphy I think they would have clashed but you put on Dumb and Dumber Lloyd's funny Harry's funny Mike Starr one of his characters name is his funny star quite a poll that's the guy from Goodfellas and

oh the ketchup and mustard it's Mike Starr the gas man yes gas man he's funny yeah those collars are funny even Holly Berry whatever the fuck your name is Holly Holly Lauren Holly Lauren Holly right yes wow she was a hot little piece and I don't know where she went off to well I think Jim Carrey ruined her life I think that guy is one of those guys that just leaves a wake behind him he's a cook and a half I mean have you seen his shoutings lately he's on Bill Murray's put his feet up I mean just he's has all these weird rants now we're like you might need a hug buddy yeah he's got some problems I think he had a girlfriend

he gave a girl herpes that she killed herself yeah I've been trying to do for years but this lady won't quit it'll happen keep at it don't quit don't give up well that keeps giving her seller spots I think that you know that'll keep her alive gives her hope but eventually we'll both you know double suicide suicide pack seems kind of fun yeah I mean the ultimate bar we had a pact because you're kind of like alright here we go this is it but you really have to press the button at the same time I know because they always say when you're on the edge of that railing in the movie The Bridge that they always go right

when their foot comes off the rail they go I regret it well that was that was an already Lang's book oh he said when he I think he took pills or stabbed his tits or something so he said 48 times stabbing ooh something like that sorry he said he had read that fact that the majority people when they killed himself they regretted immediately after they take the pills they called 911 on themselves yes or if you jump off the bridge you feel it and he said he just sat there waiting to feel that and never came oh he was just like no no I want to die ah and then didn't and we're grateful I live norm haven't seen him in a while

but I love already love already so funny doesn't get I don't feel like he gets his do like I would watch him in a tell go at it and they were you know neck and neck yeah he's unbelievably funny by the way that's in the book I'm not telling neck tails out of Jews was that who I got as people reading these books is everybody's like I wrote a book I have a book out and I assume someone will read it but it ain't gonna be me or anyone I know no it's weird cuz like New York Times bestseller you're like how many people does it take to get on a bestseller exactly who's reading I never see people reading it's like 40 50 people well I

people have the nook the nook and then the grand old Kindle and I think you'll read in bed and on the shitter so why would I see that I'll read on the subway a bit I used to now on the subway I'm just swiveling yeah there was a yeah head on a swivel that I suppose he could swivel there was a Instagram page or what do you call it thread hmm profile thread okay well there was an Instagram thing where it was a called hot guys reading oh go around and take photos of hot guys reading you see me on there at all or now you wrote a different thread yeah there's something else gangly weirdo yeah I guess I'd fuck him's reading

that's generous yeah but yeah point some people that fuck me I fuck some pretty hot ass oh yeah pretty hot cunt out there okay all right anyways all right let's get fired up here I got me I got I got stories up the ass I'm sure you got a lot I got some hum dings baby coming at you all right you ready for this yes I want to start or should I you go you go okay well had a weird weekend you know usually our weekends entail you know a Thursday go to Denver go to Austin go to Chicago and do your your weekend you come home on Sunday absolutely this weekend it was one night only makeup date for the fully loaded

tour in Brandon Mississippi right so I got rained out as an amphitheater outdoors got rained out a couple weeks ago so they go hey can you guys come back and I go fuck it I'll come back you guys paid me if I got a gig I do the gig all right there you go so go back down to get to Jackson Mississippi in this come guzzling climate with the flights and the anal and the economy and the Bidens and the Greta Thunbergs it's a whole thing so you got a fly to Atlanta connect fly to Jackson then drive from Jackson to Brandon okay so it's 8,000 people you know it's Bert's show it's already re it's sold out again Chelsea

Lynn big J. O'Cross and Brian Simpson a fun fun show who's Chelsea Lynn trailer trash Tammy huge huge online I gotta get in the scene I'm out of the scene I gotta get in the scene it's enough already with this like I'm trying to live a balanced life fuck the balance I need to be unhealthy and really get in there yes yeah trailer Timmy I gotta check them out you're at a Nora Jones concert in Asbury Park and we're all cutting clips over here it's bad news bears I'm just posting them at noon I got four views it's horrible it's just horrible I'm over here listening to my set being like I'll change this word that'll be funny like

where's your where's your clip are you calling someone a homo your piece of shit I like it I'm so sick of these clips these crowd work clips have gotten real bottom of the barrel it's like oh I think I stepped on a tech I guess I got attacked here's my date here by dates it's brutal it's bad one guy coughs he's got COVID dates that's it that's a clip that'd be a good clip but either way put a bit out there you queefs but all right so big show so I got on it like a 930 flight 1030 flight to Atlanta whatever what are you gonna do flight gets canceled all right now your first thought is maybe I just won't go that's all I

ever want it's a beautiful feeling because you start getting endorphins rushing right into your sphincter and you're like maybe I'll just stay in this lounge I'll have a cup of coffee I'll eat all the food I'll go home I have that even I love doing the pod I love you I love seeing you chucks here as I'm walking up I have this moment of like maybe the dates wrong maybe I'm the only one here like I got here you guys aren't here I'm like maybe it's wrong and I'll just go home yes and then I hear you in the voice at hallway and I'm like damn and this is fun I know we're having a good time but any

obligation that's what gets you you got to get up get out of the house leaving the house in New York takes a little bit extra umph you know you leave the house in Cleveland you go hey I'll get in my car I'll go get a smoothie whatever in New York it's like just that a New York air hits you there's a hobo jizzing on your daughter and there's a stabbing it's it's a lot I'm gonna talk all about it all kinds of notes over here about we got a cook all right so first flight gets canceled so then you tell you talk to the manager like hey look not looking good flight got canceled because once your flight's canceled now your

connections missed so now it's a double whammy so I'm in the lounge I got champagne I got a gay twink fanning me with a big leaf and I'm like this is great and he goes I got you a new flight but you're gonna land at 620 the shows at 7 oh man I haven't showered I had all these high hopes of getting to the hotel showering shitting shaving and jerking and those are gone so you're like I stink I'm gay my dick's weird and sit at the lounge you know whatever do the flight to Atlanta now you're in Atlanta sit at the lounge again for three hour layover then you take a 41 minute flight from Atlanta to Jackson

I'm going to Jackson meanwhile Jackson has a goddamn water shortage did you hear about this I don't know about the water shortage the whole country's in shambles monkeypox they got no water it's it's like a crisis Biden's on the phone they they're sending them water Fiji it's a whole thing birth crisis yes so crisis actor so finally I land there I go straight to the show and it's just it's an 11 hour travel day and it's one of those things where you're like I could have gotten up at two you know but I had to be here at 930 whatever so thank God for the lounge finally land there once you land there it's all kind of

gravy you see big J you see Brian you see Burt we're all hanging out Pete remember Pete from the Bachelor oh Pete love Pete every night for Pete's sake that guy is hot hot sexy dude cool guy he's kind of Bert's I don't know handler Chelsea handler one what he got right hand quiff right hand man so what about the left no right hand woman either ah hell as a right hand woman yes I'll give a woman a right hand yeah the back of it all right so I saw the Simpsons once years ago he goes hey shut up sister I'll give you a raspberry never forgot it always stuck with me Bart said that to Lisa I'm not going to raspberry for my

movie Razi okay so finally I get to the gig whatever and it all goes away now Bert's like we thought you were gonna be late because your flight landed at you know 4 a.m. so we're putting you doing 30 minutes because Joey Diaz didn't show he got some kind of thing no show Joe no show Diaz so so I'm like oh great I'm doing a half hour for 8,000 people this will be exciting wow so big J you know everybody goes Brian goes up but Chelsea Lynn goes up kills everybody's great they do an intermission then big J goes on rips I mean he just pulls that chair up he's sitting on a stool and he's just pontificating murdering in 8,000

people got got him in the palm of his fingerless glove he's so good so good he's very very funny man he's funny not only that he's killing backstage and then he walks on with his jean shorts and murders boy he's talented he's good so I'm at all I'm just watching him on the on the monitor going well this son of an onion and you're gonna follow him and I gotta follow oh geez but I'm like yeah they're hot everybody's killing it's a make-up date they're happy to be here I got a million tweets like can't wait to see in Brandon so I go out and I go it's gonna be back in the south I'm from right around here and they're like I love

you feel a connection and I do a couple things about Jackson hey your water shortage and they're like we don't care for that and I'm like well that wasn't good and then I go all right let me go right in the material because I might have taken a risk we just get right to it yeah and I do a New York joke and they hated it they got like zero 8,000 people getting zero is loud I've been there yes yes so you're like well that was weird and now it's outdoor the muggy the sticky it's all hit me and the the water pipes are going I am sweating I should collect some of that and give it to the people it'd be nice wash your dishes

with this your fucking hicks it should and you know you you get a look at yourself on that big screen and it's just you know it's a rainforest so I have forehead rain forehead so big bomb and I'm I got the clock down there and I'm like well you know how long am I doing 30 eating it I get a titter here in there you know you're outdoor I made the one joke I go I actually heard a cricket one guy goes yeah you know that guy like the condescending like yeah Rogan does that shit you know it goes Matt Matt you're like fuck you you bald cunt does do that I hate the Matt man like that was pretty good yeah well

whatever so and also beforehand I got all these texts like hey we're here to see you like from my old friends like college friends drove in and who I must have lost 17 pounds and four gallons of water because I my asshole was wetter than Susan B Anthony a wet-ass pussy yes WAP so a big bomb came off stage and just soaked somebody threw me a beach towel and then Pete put a trauma blanket on me I was so wrecked and who's this Bert next Bert's next and he went out there and killed it now do you bring him out or does he disappear no Dave Williamson is the host he's a great guy great host and I get off and I'm like oh

and it's just one of those things where the crew won't really look at you in the eye you know Jesus you know that feeling when you're like that was rough on what are you gonna do what is this sand script you know it's fine yeah it's a maple so yeah real big bomb and then you proceed to just drink it away oh my god I mean I'd like to see some footage on this because I'm sure you sold a thousand t-shirts and sign some tits and I blew you I stayed backstage in the fetal position I don't believe it somebody must have gotten some laughs it must have been 40 people laughing maybe 40 but 40 and eight now is nothing nice not great

math that's a that's ugly it was real bad it was a stinkfest and you know we just don't connect like the jokes work but it just didn't didn't get from here to here well it's tough to follow Jay I mean you follow these people you'd never follow he probably you know he got that he got them used to one thing and then different thing and I guess thing is you know better so it's like it's hard you know yeah I guess so because I did I did the a I was like I brought it but somebody had a good point they were like well we did this this arena run and you get used to doing arenas and you figure out your flow and your rhythm and what

jokes to do because you got to go with bangers you can't have any nuanced shit and subtle shit and arena and I did maybe some subtle shit and they were like yeah you got to go dick in the ass pounding absolutely spit on it first lick it smell it maybe a little astroglyde sure stuff by the way I used it last night yeah me too I'm alone so I think was the same woman but yeah good times wow welcome back and so you just came back the next day that's it I flew back we got drunk at Burt's hotel room we don't talk shit about every comic on earth they got drunk and then yeah flew back the next day for a good 10 hour

travel Wham Bam thank you ma'am because I think he was in Atlantic City Saturday Sunday right am I crazy he was yeah he took a private jet up to old AC and then I took a two for pedal puddle jumper because they asked me about that day but then I've not tied booked I'd went to Houston to go see my wife sorry so you know that's what I do I don't do shows I go visit my wife ride a bike around town well careers failing I'm gonna kill myself do you go cuz I feel like I brought it down to a screeching queasy oh that was great I mean that was it's compelling stuff I'd be bombing for 8,000 it's I've been there I told you I

did it for 15,000 and one guy laughed and I started to say this guy gets it and I had to stop it was bad and that was hometown that was New York that was right here in the old the US of New York big Apple baby hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by draft Kings the NFL's opening week was action packed and it's just getting started getting ready for week two of touchdowns big plays and even bigger wins with draft Kings sportsbook an official sports betting partner of the NFL this week new customers can bet just $5 in any football game and get $200 in free bets instantly want more action everybody

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show notes for details there you go folks hey Tuesdays stories brought to you by factor fall is almost here which means back to school back to work and back to being too busy to eat nutritiously factor makes it easy to eat well for all meals and snacks these are fresh never-frozen meals delicious and nutritious with calorie smart and keto options factor meals are perfectly portioned to keep you on track with your goals factor now offers 30 meals per week and 36 add-on options hot tamale each factor meal arrives pre-prepared by their team of chefs ready to eat and eat in just two minutes change your order up

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folks by the way how about this I'll be at the Garden on Sunday for Pearl Jam and then they're playing an invite only at the Apollo Theater there's a serious radio event 1500 seats no ticket sold invite and contest winners my old numero uno first New York Pal Eldano Sarduror Sarduro old big headiest denver a big soda daddy Soder came through with the hook up baby so I will be there one of 15 hundred back of my old neck of the way a couple blocks my old coming through wild I mean that ticket you can't even get like a resell ticket there's no tickets were sold it's crazy is there party that goes to screw the

garden I'm going to the intimate I don't want to I don't want to be spoiled and do both I'm going back to back I'm gonna get the it I'm gonna get the intimate and then the intimates doughnuts and then next day I'm going to MSG and I'm taking Steve Rogers who's make a wish he's like a boy yes yes well hope you get another ticket for that hog it is I'm gonna hold them in my arms for he's giving on my shoulders for rocking in the free world get a Bjorn but anyways did you hit up the three dollar movie day I did not I did not what was that Sunday Saturday yeah I was I was I was on a fucking airplane

Chuck's making faces what's the face I just I got excited I bought tickets for a movie and it was the wrong movie you tear the ticket you go wherever the movie that I wanted is that I thought it was it wasn't out yet yeah yeah three dollars got me all excited I was all hopped up boy well it's the weird thing though and I don't want to sound like an elitist and this will probably rub people the wrong way maybe but it's funny because it's like you're like three dollar movie day we got to go but I'm in Kingwood Texas where a movie is like 11 bucks right I'm saving 16 bucks not crazy yeah and also it kind of

turns into spirit airlines where you get the riffraff in there well that's where this story is headed so it is fine like not to 16 bucks is 60 but you know we're doing okay here you're like I could go the next day have the theater to myself right but whatever you want to participate it's fun and and it's good to see people in a theater it's nice to go full house yeah it is but show I tweeted this and Patton Oswald retweeted like instead of three dollar movie day what if like $10 movie decade why don't we just have it be why don't you just make it more affordable it'd be nice yeah I feel the same way about college it's so

weird to be like all right for one day it's three bucks yeah then we're back to $22 I know it though they rape you at those movies not to mention the milk does but well so we decided we'll go to the movies will be fun we went maybe it was Sunday actually hmm no it was Saturday doesn't matter the Sabbath so we go to the three dollar movies we go to see Beast you know about Beast is that the Idris Elba vehicle Idris Alba who I never watched the wire yeah that guy good or is he just a good-looking guy I think he's pretty good what else is he in he was in the office for a while great that's a sitcom what writer I'm

talking about a sitcom he's hilarious office I've never seen him in a thing other than the office well he's a hunk and I think they put him in hunky rolls he's never had a meaty actory role like emotional yeah has he what what the fucks he is I don't know anything about this guy he's in stuff I just always hear his name I got him confused with a different guy the guy that died Chadwick Boseman no not him there's another guy that was also in the wire he's in gone baby gone he plays the cop I think he had a scar on his face oh Omar yeah yeah he's good he's good yeah he was very good I met him once no kidding yeah he got

mad at me I made a joke about the scar oh no yeah I couldn't help it seal Joe I don't know I think maybe the wire is the thing that he's most taken seriously for because he's in like it's a he's in the Avengers movies he was in the dark tower from Stephen King which is like a bomb big bomb okay yeah it's like our everything is I had a dark tower in Jackson see it's like he was in fucking the jungle book live-action remake yeah you know it's is it possible this guy sucks he was in Prometheus which wasn't bad never heard of that it was an alien sequel I'm eating over here rock and roll it was good he was in rock and

roll so he's in a bunch he's much as schlock yes whatever well anyways he's not great in this but it's also a cheese ball stinky script by the way reviewing movies really is an art it is a skill that I don't have I do a movie review podcast I tell him like this I don't know I didn't like it my father's gay I suck I can't explain it it's not good then you read somebody wrote about this movie it is oh fuck I don't want to I don't want to fuck up the words cuz it's so funny I don't like to give these reviewers too much credit there's a couple good ones the rest stink it's like comics well they wrote it's admirably

lean and ultimately and he said if you would like to watch Idris Alba fight a lion this admirably lean and ultimately disposable movie is the one for you and I was like that's perfect that's good because it's lean there's nothing there it's 90 minutes they're just like okay there's a lion he's scary there you go and it's just completely unnecessary but here's what I want to talk about first of all I want to get into what happened at the movie but there's a it's it's a total Jurassic Park it's Jurassic Park with a lion okay and one lion just one lion one I mean it's a bunch of lines there's one like well the lion not much

of a park and we thought maybe the lion was gonna be like you know a demon or something sure just like a lion just a big big fat line I thought I have a gun or something but yeah so nothing no strap on is he on drugs is he coked up nothing I don't think so boy he gets burned and so he's all like oh he's a bird lion but so the what the girl everybody stinks it's just there's nothing to it it's silly the girl's wearing a Jurassic Park shirt as like an homage like get it Easter egg but then they're like driving in a jeep as the lion chases them objects in mirror closely appear they skid off they get

stuck in a tree and the lion is trying to reach in the car and the kids are screaming but then I'm like you've established that Jurassic Park exists in this world so shouldn't the girl be like oh my god isn't this crazy I was wearing a Jurassic Park shirt yesterday and now the movies happening to us yes yes like if you're gonna pay tribute to Jurassic Park the girl there should be dialogue they should acknowledge it she's like this is exactly like Jurassic Park isn't that crazy right yeah that's no good and how how on the nose are we gonna go we already got the shirt thing do we need a scene exactly like it what

what's next the guy's gonna go clever girl and then get attacked it was a guy with that accent with the gun Muldoon then they kept going in the water looking for the line there's like things we just like alright I gotta find this line he's like let me get way steep in this swamp where you're like what right why are you getting in the water yeah any sense but anyways it was fun let me just get right to this what about the Gators they were Gators they never come back I can write this movie it's like Gators swim by so you're like okay make a note Gators but then that was the end of it was Newman in it no no man all right I'd love to see

Newman in something love Wayne Knight underrated boy he's good he lost weight and I think it hurt his career possibly hmm well well so it's three dollar movie day and you know how it is so you get there you buy your tickets you picked I always go back aisle last row I'll because I have to piss a shit last row wall I'm against the wall I will ever climb I don't want some asshole behind me I jerk it off my hair never climb but but don't you think if there's no one there doesn't matter anyway like if it's no one in the theater there's no one behind you well this is full oh this is full pipes got it got it free dollar

movie day got it so we go up there we said and we get there early so you know that it's gonna be full because you buy on the ticket thing we get there and there's just two high school queefs in the seats next to us but the theater is empty yeah so we go there we're like hey sorry these are our seat we'll sit here next to you so I got the fat high school queef next to me yeah and I try to be like cool dad guy yeah sorry we'll be a good I'll be a good seat partner and he's like huh I go I'll keep the farts to a minimum and I think he's gonna laugh but he's like fucking idiot yeah I was like I swinging a miss I've been there so we

sit there then the movie starts we're about oh six seven eight minutes into the movie they're doing the cheese mom died yeah yeah yeah lion then the big old lion king family comes in was that mean about seven eight people they want to see some lions on their Saturday three dollar way away now this movie is I don't know what it's rated maybe it's our maybe it's I know it's about lions eating people sure they come up and it's all shadowy because it's bright their backlit we got a big aunt I think big fat she comes in first you're like okay there's the big fat aunt movies movies going by the way sure and then

you got like I'm gonna say a seven-year-old she's a little young for the lion-eating movie I'm turned on but whatever then you get a real Todd a real toddler toddler Barry two three years old waddling a waddling toddler hate a waddle so you're like well that seems a little strange yes and he could get a cry out of this Todd well oh boy sorry I'm jumping the gun here but the horse before they lion all right so the toddler walks in they're really waddling then I see the old fat mom walk in with a big swoochie with a baby that's a swoochie oh like the swoop yes yes she's got the swoop on what are we in

Namibia what's going on with these people that's what the film is about I see so then they go she sits and she's got the baby and she just pulls a baby out like this and like puts it in the seat there's no like car seat she just puts it in the big recliner seat you have a jug of water in her head as well the whole time it's like hey what what are we in the right seat you want to sit in this seat okay well you put the baby in the seat you can't sit there cuz I might have to that it's insane and the movie you know you gotta open with a scare sure so it's literally like and so then the lady has to attend to her baby so she's sitting

out on the seat like this like on the edge of it facing this way now some engineer spent hours and hours and years designing this to be stadium style so no one's blocking the view cuz when we were kids they didn't think about this shit so if a big tall guy sat in front of you like I can't see the movie it's over you're ruined and after 50 years of that shit they built stadium style seating vaulted yes so this lady's vaulted she's bucking the system by sitting like this all I see is her big head and the subtitles that's in Africa so I'm missing the titles right this I'm trying

to follow this horseshit movie yes and she's blocking the thing and then the toddler's like mom she's doing that and then the baby starts we're back on spirit and you might think oh my god I'm so embarrassed I brought the baby no movement nothing 90 straight minutes of a baby crying wow I mean moments where it doesn't cry oh hey excuse me crying baby head blocking the screen toddler chatting is there a moment of like oh sorry everybody I ruined the party here with these retarded children no no and it's literally I mean it's a fucking bloody crazy lion flying fighty thing yeah yeah but it's a bummer big bomb big

remove a big movie ruin her it was real wacky and you know what can you do and it's one of these situations where you're like it's hard to be like hey excuse me because you know you'll be viral in about five minutes oh you got that right well it was quite a quite a scene but I think that's what you get with $3 movies I guess so how do you like that and they stayed through the whole thing and I don't know but isn't that traumatic that's brutal and I empathize because it's got to be hard having 12 kids you don't like and you know you want to bring out a movie it's air conditioning it's it's something to do

it two hours of like alright I get a minute but you still fuck over the whole theater okay you see Wreck-It Ralph or whatever or you know what I mean like Bunny's play for fun well I think Idris is a big draw people go we like that guy I know but not for a bay it's a lion movie I agree yeah yeah lion like a rug I don't get it but it's it's something to do I guess it's something to do and it was three bucks and it killed the time but I just picture that kid years from now being afraid of cats that's so funny is when I was a kid like you when I was a kid I had a recurring nightmare about lions chasing me and my family off a

cliff no kidding recurring wow oh yeah sting so put that in your pipe and queef on it no no you ever had the recurring nightmare oh yeah big time my record like recurring that's hard to say recurring recurring is I'm driving a car but I'm in the passenger seat of the backseat so I'm like trying to be like like I'm not in the right position yeah the control so I'm like out of control driving around the street I have that one that's very telling and I have an also a recurring dream where I'm showing up to class and it's like the last day and I've never been there oh but they're like hey and I'm like I didn't do any of

it I don't know any of this right I don't know I didn't come to one class there you go yeah both very telling you don't want to be out of control yes and I have also the teeth you have no teeth which is just anxiety it's like straight up all my teeth are falling out that would be better blessing yeah yeah alright fresh interesting good stuff recurring nightmare the beast folks speaking of which I would love to wake up every morning with zero brain fog yes clear mind and the energy of my younger self thanks to first person I can now take an active role in my brain's health first person is a precision targeted

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cognition with first person get 15% off your first order by going to get first person dot com and use code Tuesdays that's g e t f i r s t p r s o n dot com code Tuesdays for 15% off your first order get first person dot com code Tuesdays folks these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration these products are not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any illness back to the show I gotta tell you this one so last night the lady's been all over me with the she's like so what do you wear into the wedding and I go yeah the wedding so no I never thought about it I figured I'd you

know going to cut offs and a baby tea but she's like you know you got to get a thing together I was like yeah I guess you're right so I go down the suit supply are you wearing a suit or a tux well that's the question but they got both okay so I go let me go in there and really get eight eight crew members or staff people and really yuck it up and have a good time it'll be like a montage you know be like I'm too sexy and I come out wearing the different shit you know I got the cummerbund on my head yeah exactly so we'll do the whole movie montage and of course you go and it was raining I running up I'm wearing this

you know and I got a box over my head I do the box you ever do the box I've eaten a box but I don't usually carry a box over my head all right well I do the box over there because they all the garbage is out so I do the box over so I'm wet I'm ugly I got the box I got a Jerry curl and I go to the front door suit supply and I'm pulling on it I'm pulling on like God I'm pushing this like a button there like an intercom I like it's wet it's raining I look like a like a dirty cat and then this guy walks up with like a nice latte and a scarf and he goes push the door open oh and I think he thought I was a deranged

person and he's like you coming up to suit supply and I go oh yeah and he goes you have an appointment I go now and he goes yeah all right come on up so you do the walk up I'm wet everybody in there is immaculate this guy's putting on suits they look amazing I cummerbunds and vests and all these shiny shoes and they all look at me like who brought the deranged weirdo the derelict so I go up and like what do you need sir and I go I'm getting married and they go okay great what do you want to wear and I go I don't know I wanted to try a bunch of stuff on they were they were like ah this is brutal because they have to be nice

it's a nice place but I'm so confused she's not involved she doesn't want to be involved because you have to you can't clash what if she's wearing pink and you're wearing blue or whatever well I mean I was white she goes white yeah white that's right yeah but usually the wife is in there I was that right I think but my wife wasn't you see yeah my wife didn't give a shit I mean you put a suit on you go get married yeah I guess so yeah well do you have a whole party do you have a bunch of guys no I don't do the guys no party no guys no party I want to look good for the party so I go up and I just

go let's do let's try some stuff and they're like God sir this is how it works and I got I'm ready I'm like let's do that I got I'm it's my birthday let's do it sure and the guy goes you need a drink they any place that offers you a drink is a nice place yeah oh you got it it's also interesting I have all these places they're like give an appointment you say no and they go well come on up and yeah the appointment thing I know I know I guess if he gets busy you're fucked but it wasn't that busy so I go no no appointment and I go you want something to drink oh yeah what do you got to go you got we got coffee liquor

beer wine I go I'll take a coffee so now I got this nice coffee in Lorenzo he's a sexy black guy with dreads and a suit he looks amazing sharp as a tech he's got the bicep in the suit ah that's a good look that's a great look yes cuz you're buff but you're still refined it's like I was talking about these detectives they have the suit with the gun oh look all time love a suit with a gun and see see it in the the jacket yeah kind of barely the badge on the belt pull it back like this forget about it get out of here put it right in my ass suit in the gun so we go in there he goes you want to talk she went this I go I want to look

good I want to look sharp so he goes I got it he pulls out this suit it's got a vest it looked like I would wear a timepiece I look like a like a conductor of a train in the 40s I'll show you a photo doc holiday yeah so I sent it to the lady and she's like I can't tell you why but no she's like I can't put my finger on it but this is horrible I knew she'd have to be involved somewhere yes I can't believe you're not with a buddy you gotta get a buddy I should have got I should have got like a Hamilton or something yes Hamilton's good yes good play so I'm like now this isn't it whatever and I go I think I want to go

tucks and he goes all right all right so then he has to put that suit down he comes back with a tux and it had these wacky lapels that pointed out like this and I go can I just get a straight lapel you know just a straight down he goes well that's custom and I go that's custom I thought this looks weird I thought that was normal he's like no no that's custom so I got these this is my I'm trying on my third tux now and this guy is getting annoyed with me visibly I'm changing I'm doing this I'm taking photos and the guy goes and it's just a shitty situation because you're like I'm bothering this guy right you're

uncomfortable now so then that's their job that's their job this job I know but I don't have an appointment I drank the coffee I'm wet I don't know it didn't feel good so I'm like God this this is not good so I'm just starting to get anxiety I'm starting to feel weird and then he goes hold on my my four o'clock is here so this guy made the appointment so now I'm the straggling queef and he's like yeah yeah yeah I gotta go deal with him but I'll be back and I go all right I just left oh yeah I got to get out of there I bailed did you take tux no I didn't I didn't want to steal anything but I got the coffee I

use I took this guy is 40 minutes of this guy's time a stack of suits on the counter like this just feel how about this one how about this one no maybe I'm taking photos I had to get out of there this is why Hamilton's good first of all this is a sign that you don't want to get married but this is what Hamilton is good because I had this we went shopping for my letterman suit let's do we went shopping for my letterman suit and I went look at shoes like 35 minutes and then by the end Hamilton's like yeah you're not comfortable I don't care for many ways I will get out of here and I was like what I can't do that so we got

to buy shoes the guy and he's and Hamilton's like no no that's his job and we don't like shoes he's like they're $400 I mean he's completely right but I just I can't live like that I had the same thing I was like walking up Madison Avenue like looking back and the guy was in the window I still think about him I can't walk up 44th in Madison I can't walk by I can't do it I'll never go back there again it's been 10 years I even worn shoes since then well when you get married again I think you should go back but I just yeah I felt the same way I couldn't do it and I panicked and I and I go I start walking out and it's like a

three-floor place this is like a big to-do and one guy goes sir you good he had the measuring tape on his you know and all the pins I like that look that's a good look and he goes sir are you okay where you going I go tell Lorenzo I'll be right back and he goes okay he knew what I was so bad it was a bad exit and I just run back out there in the rain I grabbed my box I go I feel feel myself again yeah I wear a box so what do you know what's the next step because it's coming up soon I know so I text a friend and what you're in that mode because you I don't want to go shoot shopping but you're in the mode you're like I'm

doing it I've been so ho I'm going for it so I text my friend who's like a fashionista and he goes this is what you want beep boop boop sends me a J crew link beautiful tux I go that's it that was my letterman suit J crew ah J Peterman ah Jeff recommends so I go all right and I go J crew GPS 400 feet away whoa you gotta love so ho so it's raining I run in there I beat this tall drink of water he goes what can I help you today sir I go I'm getting married he goes oh my god we go in the dress room he gives me the tux he had the exact one I bought it right there oh no you bought it I bought it

right you own a tux should I rent I don't know you might go to the you know Oscars or Emmys or something at some point ah the tux how often you wear a tux very rarely but I think it's weird to rent a tux I think people like look down on you yeah that's a rental and then people like ah I know but what now let me ask you bow tie or tie with a tux I don't know I thought it was bow tie yeah well you can do both now I don't know I always confuse what a tux is or looks like you wear a tie for a tux you can now can you do you got a computer there can you pull up bow tie I mean tux with a tie I don't think I've ever seen

that before yeah it's out there the tux is at the Oscars that's a tux that's a tux prom prom is a tux some weddings the black tie means tux looks normal oh is that right see it looks like let me see can you swing that around let me take a I guess I have my own phone right here but that's a tux that's a tux that looks pretty snazzy yeah that's very snazzy I don't want to block the camera here cameras yeah yeah that's hot yeah that's a good look cuz it's a tux I think of that as a suit but that's a tux but a bow tie is got a little it's got a little goof to it oh yeah goof troop yeah what is what is the difference between a

tux and a suit the lapels the lapels is a sheen on it and then the suit fits different and the pants have that mailman line going down it okay I think that's about it and you wear these shiny shiny black shoes it's definitely a little more formal it's a little slicker yes the biggest difference between a tuxedo and a suit is the presence of satin which is what you're talking about with the shiny satin yes straight down the side those are both satin got it satin lace satin night live uh-huh interesting yeah so does does John Mulaney wear a tux cuz that looks very Mulaney right there I don't think he's

in a tux yeah yikes gross that's like that's Mark's watch is your sneeze I mean whatever he's wearing it looks pretty tuxy well he's a clean cut son of an onion that's one tux one no tux you're in a tux here in there all right okay I think sometimes he does and sometimes it's just a suit that tux with that wow all right well I'm excited I gotta start making plans for your wedding because a canner's texted me he's like what days are you going what hotel I'm like I can't I haven't even put my head there yeah well he'll bring the some coke at the end word it will have a great time but Ari's getting a big pad if you guys want to join in oh interesting yeah yeah I gotta start making some calls yeah make a make

a meal out of it because I don't know what to do I'm like I'm gonna end up at the fucking uh you know the the New Orleans motel or something jacked up and cracked up and crazy you don't want to go to the New Orleans motel the no mo that is a tough spot a day on no mo yeah get a no mo slider but get the uh get the airbnb down there get a nice hotel really make a meal let's get there early Sean Patton's officiating we got catering it's going to be a hum digger yeah I gotta sink my teeth in because I'm out riding fences I got the festival and this thing and that other thing and you're going to skankfest right have they announced that can we say that I think we've announced I have a gig but I'm trying to get there for one day like I did last time you're always the one day

guy yeah well they do a little yeah you guys are announced on it oh really I believe so I thought so maybe I'll double check but I thought so I think our podcast is in the thing oh boy okay yeah yeah I gotta work on that oh boy well it's only Friday Saturday right it's a Thursday Friday Saturday Friday Saturday Sunday is it a sign if it's a Sunday that I'm I could make it it's Friday Saturday Sunday uh huh 14 to the 16th okay all right I could Sunday clock in me for Sunday I'll put you down for a Sunday yeah please do a whole Sunday all right so let me yeah oh you hate to hear that all right I gotta figure that out yes I don't see Tuesdays with stories though I did think it was announced somewhere but there's also I don't know if there's any podcast listed it just says comics

okay there's probably a podcast section well if I go there we're doing a pod yeah Steveo is going to be there that's weird tell him Steveo yeah tell him Steveo that's fun that'll be exciting yes hey where are we at in this thing right do we have time for more stories yeah 50 minutes oh okay all right we've got something else so I got the suit it's in it's in the mail and the tux the tux sorry and it's in the mail I'm going to get it to the ship to the house and alter that puppy I'm excited well how are you feeling are you starting to get gay you're getting horny what are you thinking I'm terrified I feel like a grown-up I got a lot cooking I'm buying a home I'm you know the Brooklyn I'm getting married we're going we

might go to Africa for the wedding we're going to see the line we're going to see Idris for the honeymoon the honeymoon sorry yeah yeah yeah not for the wedding yeah doesn't your brother live in Africa or have a play time share no he's white he did for a minute he did he didn't have Africa all I know about your brother is Africa he went to the Peace Corps okay well you never know what's you know what I mean what's real and what's not sometimes I'm like is this guy in Africa they check his papers he's out of Africa and uh great film is that a band Africa that's a song total yeah that's a fun tune it's a great tune then weezer covered it kind of like note for note and it was like a hit and I was like I don't get it I never I hate no interpretation or anything

no nothing but I think this is the thing where from the 80s so we knew the song the young whippersnappers are like oh my god this is amazing that's why it's a hit yeah it's a hit but shouldn't Toto get all of that money hey weezer you just did our song back to front note to note that's us I think they get some money yeah they should yeah you have to like when you release songs like that you have to license them yeah okay yeah well good for Africa then or total Africa is fucked well good for a Toto and the little dog too well when they did that Toto covered a weezer song at the same time they both released covers of each other songs oh that's fun Toto covered hash pipe oh really yeah I didn't hear a word about that well how much do you hear about

Toto not much except for right now I know that you don't care but he wants you to know um that's anti-toto it was like you know I mean it fit um all right well so you're nervous you're you're scared I'm nervous I'm nervous for you that's a lot I'm looking forward the wedding is gonna be a banger we got a great group we got a lot of good eggs coming and uh Chuck's gonna be there on the ones and anals and it'll be fun and then the honeymoon's gonna be bananas so that's what I'm looking at right now I'm taking a day by day like an alcoholic yeah you gotta do it I mean it's exciting so where in Africa are you going south north Egypt uh well we're looking at this package deal get this fatty we're going starting south of Africa hit Cape Town you know really do

it up in a nice city and then head up to the old bush women up in Kenya and do the safari oh my god yes this is terrifying the giraffes they come right up to the door you feed them uh boy that is uh that is something else my my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are in south Africa right now yeah that's why my wife is in Houston ah they're down there they're from there ah that's right sarah was born there she could probably get you a hookup oh do a couple guest spots someone should give me a spear all right well so let me just get through this real quick this is just nothing but fun put it right in my dick so I'm down there in Houston I go down to the astros you know me I was like I got to go to an event if I don't if I don't have a ticket then

forget about it yeah take it the ride I need a ticket I'm going to the men's semifinal this week and I'm going I'm going how about this Friday I'm going to the men's us open semifinals Saturday I'm going to Pearl Jam at the Apollo Theater Sunday Pearl you at the garden wow I don't even know if you're doing comedy I mean I quit comedy a while ago yeah you're ticket master it's pretty exciting but I'll be at Royal Oak at the end of the month there we go big city so we go to the Astros game Monday night which is fun you know you go down to Minute Maid Park which looks like a shopping mall yeah and sat behind the bullpen and you know we're driving the game like let me see who's pitching in this game uh-huh it's a guy named Hunter Brown oh I went to high school with that

guy really a different hunter brown maybe it's the same one well now this guy's 24 yeah yeah this guy was uh an addict yeah no kidding well this guy's name is hunter brown he's making his major league debut how exciting is that that's huge that's really fun so and we got front row behind the bullpads you can watch him warm up and you're like this is so exciting the guy's sweating and he's excited he must be terrified he's shitting his pants and I'm looking at him going like this guy must be shitting his pants no doubt about it but good for him that's that's a huge moment it's very exciting but then he goes out there and it's his first major league pitch and you know it's fun I got a little gay goose bump love a gay goose because he goes out there and we're out in the

outfield we're 575 feet away but you see the first pitch and the catcher catches it and immediately just rolls it into the dugout because you're like hold on to that that's your first major league pitch you gotta love the little superstitious baseball stuff well you get the goose it's a little goose bumps because you're like ah that's his first pitch he battled all the way here he's 24 years old he's dreamed of this since he was his kid his dad bought him a glove then he hit him and beat him until he was properly good of course parents got divorced I'm sure and then a couple pitches later he strikes the guy out and then you watch that ball roll into the dugout because it's like there's your first pitch there's your first strikeout and it made me think about this

long arduous journey we've been on here here and don't you wish you had that from your first set you just take the microphone and you go all right that's the end of the show I'm keeping this I tried they called the police but it just makes you feel like what a what a journey we've been on a huge journey somebody put it well they said you guys moved to you guys were on the video game if moving to New York and being comic as a video game you guys did on the most difficult level and still beat the game oh wow it's true you know you move here with nothing you make it work you figure it out eat shit for 10 years and then before you know it you're on Conan gold jeds a millionaire but it's exciting and you think about that when you go back I'm like how did I move here I know now

mentally now I'm like I wouldn't do that again I think I thought I could never do it again you're like I just came Dan Baldr and I and it was like before Google Maps oh and smartphones even printed a thing and like drove to Astoria we were like oh yeah I remember literally being like this says Astoria just get off here yes yeah okay because I knew John fish lived in Astoria so we're let's like like driving around and then we found a broker which we had no money we were broke broker than anybody right then we said okay let's we want a place to live please yeah and you gave him a lot of cash and he fucked in the ass and you go I guess this is normal and I was such a loser I never done anything I'd never done nothing I just went like okay and then you like calling your mother

being like okay I live in New York now yes like what send send mail and then like your electricity is turned off and you're like I guess we'll just go no lights for a day yeah we can hack it who needs lights the honors do it and I roaches everywhere and a pile of dishes and then Baldr moved back Ira took off and I like found another place to live yeah it was all word of mouth it was maybe a newspaper listing Craigslist was big back when I was banging we flew to New York me and Zach Sims we got off a cab we jumped in a cab off a JFK my mom knew a lady in Brooklyn she goes stay with her for a night this old lady let us stay at her place in Brooklyn we slept on a couch we woke up we said where are the open mics we went and found an open mic eight shit we went to the Boston

comedy clubs we're like this is comedy we'll go here and then we I went on Craigslist found an apartment for $400 met the guy he was a sexy gay Hispanic guy he goes here you go he signed it on Looseleaf the lease and he goes this is your place and he died a couple weeks later of AIDS wow we had a pigeon in our apartment the second night god it's so crazy I remember sitting listening to the 2007 ALCS Red Sox Indians on the radio yes sitting on the thing because we had no cable we had a tv that was like you plugged it it would attach to a vcr literally and we had a dvd it was a dvd slash vcr but I sat listening to the Red Sox on the radio which is so crazy yes and then uh what was the other thing I was gonna say I was gonna talk about something

oh farts it was something big about moving moving to New York Astoria rent uh rent control electricity turned off bulger killed himself it was important and then you but we stayed so we come and gone and we kept going there was no option for really what are you gonna go back home yeah that wasn't what everyone was doing I couldn't do it more people have done that than not done that I feel I guess but I just felt like ah just keep going something will happen yeah and then the fighting with other comics and then the clawing your way I hosted an open mic at the lantern for a while I mean it was hell I barked yeah I barked I barked twice and I just couldn't do it it was it was tough yeah tough sledding but you know just a little bit here then I got on a real show

I'm not off the mics I got on a real show then I got a club spot oh my god the clubs yeah that was wild and then I do it like live at Gotham oh my god this is exciting and your big Montreal audition and you just kept going I had something and we were drunk the whole time by the way I mean I was drunk from you know night one to night eight thousand oh I was yeah completely out of my mind oh this is what I was going to say I would had no smartphone no computer once a day I thought I think this is mind blowing it sounds like I'm from the fucking 60s right one time a day I would walk from 41st and 20th avenue in Astoria which is the end of Astoria I mean that's like the end of the city it's as far like northeast as you can go the end of the line and that's not

true but it's as far north as you can go in Queens and I would walk all the way to 31st street and Ditmars which is like two long blocks over 10 blocks down go to an internet cafe above the subway oh yeah for one hour a day yes I had the internet for an hour I would go on check my Facebook messages there was no twin I didn't have Twitter yet or yeah Twitter didn't exist you know it existed I would check Facebook and email and be like an hour at most and no text all right that was that sign out give them three bucks then I would go to Burger King eat Burger King and go back to my house that was your day and had no spots I would just be like all right well that was that that was that and how are we gonna get drunk tonight that was my one business day

and then Bulger and I would go to the grocery store and get wine we went to Blockbuster video and rented three men and a baby with smoked weed out of the Mountain Dew bottle I'd make the aluminum foil thing yes get high and then occasionally like fish would have a spot at Broadway we just go to Broadway and be like go watch them yes would watch John fish do comedy I remember that I remember going to the cellar and getting yelled at by charade I was in the front row like oh yes Harry Potter every single comic did that I'm like I just have glasses I get it sure and now here we are at the cellar the stand the show is big the theaters the things well that's why it's so sad when comics fight with other comics like we've been through hell

we've been in the trenches what are we doing why are we coming after each other I've been saying it for a year even when comics fought not online yes I just was like how can you treat comics we're all getting fucked by everybody constantly of course it's just constant just fucking people over which I always say it's like people are like that guy's a diva this like celebrity when you're like this do you know how shittily we are treated I know for 20 straight years yes then you make it and you're like get out of the fucking green room shut the door and get out of here right it's like whoa this guy's an asshole and you're like this you fucked me for years you gave me 75 bucks a set the money went down from the 80s right no living I lost money and then you're like

well we discovered you and you're like no you underpaid me for fucking years I know and this is how shitty it is if you're if you meet a nice guy or gal who's like accommodating you're we all talk about it we go this guy's amazing he's awesome that's how rare it is but yeah the whole thing sucks and I couldn't do it again and you need that delusion you need to be a 23 year old you know tarred just to get through it because you don't know any better well that's what I love Richard Jenny used to say when people comics asking for advice he said I tell him to quit because if they quit then they were never going to make it anyways and if they ignore that then they have what it takes to be like this I quit I like it because if someone even if someone

this is the thing about guys like us people that do well it's like even if someone told you how difficult and brutal it is it didn't matter right you're like this okay well whatever yeah that's what I'm doing exactly I don't know what Gullman said to me I was like 19 he's like you should quit now he's like this business is so heartbreaking you're just gonna face so much shit he's like you're such a sweet young guy he's like go to school be a lawyer you're bright lawyers like almost failed out of high school I don't love that uh that advice because it's it's too absolute you don't know what you're going through you don't know how bad you need this this whole thing of like you should quit what if you're the next big thing well I think he's being

somewhat playful he's saying you're a cute guy you're having an idea you're you're you're filled with life sure get out of this horrible business sounds like he's hitting on you but either way but anyways we did it the kid Hunter Brown he pitched the hell of a game by the way he gave up no runs on three hits in his debut so that was exciting that kid's gonna be all right because if you can get through that first day pressure and still kill it he's gonna be just gravy he kicked ass that was exciting I gotta do some plugs here for my own and some other Justin McKinney one of my favorite comics that funny guy speaking of which this guy went in 2002 I lived at my parents house I had a show at a place called java bobs down the street first I

had a show and Justin McKinney had been on the tonight show he lived in LA he had like been on the couch with Jay and he was like my favorite comic and he called left a voicemail on my mother's answering machine and was like hey Joe my name is Justin McKinney I'm a comedian I'm in town I've been on the tonight show I just wanted to see if I can do time on your show it hurts a good show and I was like oh my god I remember telling my mother like save this save this yes Justin McKinney because when you're a kid someone that's been on the tonight show is like a mega star huge and I thought I was like this guy is amazing he's letting me he's calling me he's asking me to do a show wow but anyways 20 years later he's got a special on youtube free special go check it out Justin

with an O absolutely hilarious all right check out McKin check that out and then I got some dates coming up we added a second show to the Hollywood improv hey I love a second show September 21st is now a 9 30 7 30 sold out thanks to everyone that sold it out get tickets to the second show because there's such a gamble when you add a show yes no one comes to the second show yes so come to that I got for him and war is on there Lindsay Adams is on there killer show hot show Hollywood improv September 21st and then September 29 30th October 1st comedy castle in Royal Oak Michigan hell yeah come to that one I'll be selling these little gay t-shirts and then a bunch more dates on my website Hartford funny bone is coming up Syracuse funny bonus coming up what do you call

Madison comedy on stage coming up cleanse the power and go subscribe to my youtube where that the numbers keep going up I just shot two comedy sketches that are coming out this week they're probably already out by the time you're seeing this I want to see that that Nazi one oh yeah that's going to be fun and so go check that out and watch the special yes all right yeah like we've go see him at the improv and I'm coming to Brea comedy club weekend oh geez well I know always we can say hello uh Brea's it's an hour out that mine's a Wednesday ah we're fine they're doing well go to both the economy's great San Jose improv uh the Danforth theater in Toronto we added a show there Orlando improv rock cocoa theater I think that's in Pittsburgh

no wait hold on I don't know where the fuck that is all right and then the pantages in Minneapolis and the Anglert theater I believe that's in Iowa revolution hall in Portland Oregon Neptune theater in Seattle funny bone Albany uh Nashville Zanies the Joy theater New Orleans the Wilbur and Boston and the Fillmore and Philly and something in New Haven come on out say hello queef it up check out the specials we're on Netflix we're on YouTube we got a hell of a patreon it's cooking always new stuff Chuck organized the shit out of it he's the Marie condo of pods and he put it all together it's gold baby it's lunch if you're you're kooky if you're not on it talk about three dollar movie day we got three dollar patreons yes jump street you fucking kooks and subscribe to the youtube yes

those numbers up for god's sake it's all algorithm yeah well I love Pete go to my fucking youtube and subscribe go to the instagram and subscribe go to our youtube subscribe yes and leave comments and likes this fucking algorithm really the death of me I know it's the new religion it's taken over Allah's out Alago is in they're like you gotta paste at 845 a.m. I'm like what I can't just take a joke and put it online you gotta fucking you fuck off and you got a hashtag it and tagged people it's a it's a nightmare so uh yeah sorry to the people of Brandon Mississippi and praise Allah listening watching the music