Tuesdays with Stories! - #471 Original Cuck

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

This week on Tuesdays with Stories: Mark is back from the makeup date of Bert Kreischer's Fully Loaded tour, and has to battle the town drunk at an outdoor event! Joe takes in some more tennis, and Mark gets scolded about what's right and wrong with a straight-up racist! It's Tuesday! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories     Sponsors:   - Try Blue Chew for free at http://www.bluechew.com/TUESDAYS - Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code TUESDAYS for 20% off and free shipping. SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. Friday! Hey folks, here we are. Fresh off a United flight. Middle seat, 27th row. Come on, what are you doing? At this point I feel like you're kidding. No, I just...

I booked it late. And I had to get back by the time. And that was the only option. United is dog shit, everybody knows it. Middle seat, I have to say though, all the ball busting I do for you. We are on the eve of a middle seat flight for me. If I don't get the upgrade, there's only one seat in first flight. You know me, I check every eight minutes.

Oh yeah. One seat left, I'm diamond. I've been on tonight's show, so I'm hoping to get that seat. Oh yeah, Dustin Diamond. But if you don't get it, that middle, it's going to bring you right back to Earth, baby. It's steaks fatty. I think it's, well, it's Delta Comfort, Comfort Plus, excuse me. Comfort Plus middle.

And the middle, it sucks, but it's like a window aisle combined. You're in the aisle seat, not the window. Window aisle combined, I don't know. That's like saying, hey, I'm bisexual, which makes me a man and a woman. Yeah, no. Well, the window, the aspect of the window seat is you have someone to your right. Bad. Right.

And then the aisle, you have someone to your left or whatever. Okay. Or whatever. Not great. It's having someone on each side. You just combine them. All right. You've got someone on your left, you've got someone on your right.

It's not great. I'm just trying to put a positive spin. All right. Spin positive. A lot newer. Yes, yes. It's going to be rough. You might weep.

I was so stressed today. Two hours of sleep. We partied all night. We did shrooms. I took an Ambien. I pulled a Roseanne. I almost tweeted about Africa. Oh, God.

But we got here. I slept through the whole Kitten Kaboot. I got the elbows. I was snoring. I was that guy. She's alive, right? Roseanne. Oh, yeah.

She's alive and crazier than ever. Oh, all right. She's on a nut farm somewhere. The middle seat all depends on who you have. That's true. If they have middle seat etiquette, because the middle is supposed to get the armrest. Yes. That's true.

You got that right. And every now and then, every blue anal, you get a, can I sit next to my wife? And then she takes the middle. And you're like, oh, I'll blow this whole family. That's not bad. But yeah, I don't know. I just, for some reason, usually I'm good about seat selection. I put off the seat selection.

And then when I went in, it was all middles. But I guess New York to Seattle is just a big flight, I guess. I don't know. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, who knows? But you ever do a Southwest? No.

Well, in the old days. Maybe once. Maybe once in the old days. Maybe you hit orbits and you went, okay, that's ISIS air. I'll take it. Whatever it is. Tower seven. I did do a lot of that.

I'm sure I did Southwest. I did a lot of JetBlue. Yes. And maybe a Southwest. I think they have the brown seats or something. Yeah, they're all stained. But the problem with Southwest is you get to pick your own walking on. It's like musical chairs in that bitch.

And so it's just a row of middle seats open. And then you walk on late and you're like, oh, I get my choice of the middles. It's like the bus. It's like the bus. Oh, it's the Middle East. No, I'm dealt all the way. I already got diamond for next year. I'm cruising through Diamond.

Cruisin' together at Diamond Dallas Page. But yeah, I'm nervous about the middle seat tomorrow. But I'm off to Seattle. Nice weekend with the kids. Nice. I don't have any football, but I got to tell you, I got nothing. We were recording twice in a week. I went crazy on the last step.

I got a couple of farts coming your way. Hit me, Fanny. Oh. I kind of fell out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And Rupi. Rupi's really chuckling up over there.

It is Rupi, right? Yeah. Rupi. Okay, thank God. I thought maybe it was Gus. I could see a Gus. It looks like a Gus. Yeah, definitely.

Maybe a Duncan. Duncan donuts. But you never see a Rupert anymore. Where? Maybe in England. The only Rupert I know is the Rupert from the late show with David Letterman. Who's that? Rupert.

He's the guy that owned the little bodega there. Oh, the bodega. Rupert. He was good. Yeah, he was fun. Well, then there's the family guy, Stewie, the kid has a bear named Rupert. Oh, that's right. There's a stuffed animal.

That's right. Then Rupert, the king of comedy, is a Rupert. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's interesting. I've noticed a lot of these TV guys, they have kind of like a way. They have kind of like a weird doesn't belong on TV autistic guy on the show. Nathan for you has it. The guy that works in the office whose name I forget right now, Solomon.

But he's like Spain. He's a Spanish Solomon, which is strange. I thought that was a Jew. Yeah. Or black. Solomon black. Solomon Burke. Oh, yeah.

Solomon. That's it. King Solomon was a guy. Is he black? No, I don't think any kings were black. No, that must have been a black king. Sacramento Kings. Yeah.

They're all black. They're mostly black. Yeah. That's Queen Latifah. King Tut. He seems black, doesn't he? He's brown, Egyptian. Okay.

There's a king. They call each other king. What's up, king? Do they? Oh, king is big. I thought it was a player and bud. Players in their bud, that's more honky. Bud.

King. King James. King James. There we go. Ron. Can you imagine calling yourself king? It's insane. I know he is, like, the best player, I guess, but still.

Wow. Somebody must have called him that, right? I think he probably... Thank you. Way to redeem yourself. I think somebody threw it out there and he said, let's go with it. Because, like, Elvis was the king. Mm-hmm.

But he wasn't King Elvis. No. And then Michael Jackson was the king of pop. King of pop. Pop and those kids, cherries. But, uh, yeah. King is big. We throw around king now.

Now isn't there a new king? Charles. Is it Diana died or whatever? So King Charles. Diana did die a while back. But now the Queen Elizabeth died. Yes. The colonizer.

Betty. Do you want to call her Betty? No. Why do you get Betty? That's what Elizabeth is. It's true for Elizabeth. Is that right? Of course.

I thought it was Beth. Elizabeth. No, you don't call Beth Betty. You call her Bethy. Beth. Bethy? What the fuck? What is this?

Beth. It's like musical. Porgy and Bethy. Betty is Elizabeth. I guess so. But I always thought it was Beth or Liz. Well, that's the thing about Elizabeth. You can be Liz, Lizzie, Beth.

Or Betty. Or Betty. Is there another one? What about bet? Bet, I guess. You don't want to bet against me. Then there's E. Somebody wants to go by E.

Hey, E. Yeah, E. Ecstasy. That was one of my early jokes. There was a girl named... Maybe her name was Emily, but she went by E. And this is such a bad bet. I was 18.

And the guy, a friend said, man, I was doing E. It was the drug E. But then doing meant sex. He's like, I was doing E the other night. And I was like, she's kind of gross, isn't she? And he's like, no, she's good. That was really bad. E.

But my mom's name is Elizabeth. And it's kind of like a Richard. You get the rich, richer, dick, Rick, Richie. Or Ricky. Or Ricky. That's a lot out of Richard. Yeah. Joseph, you got Joe.

Joey. Joseph, Joseph. Joe, Joe. Joe, Joe. Seth. No. Well, what about Jack and John? Remember the Kennedys?

We've talked about this before where they got two kooky. Hey, it's John F. Kenny. But we call them Jack. Yeah, Jack is John and John is Jack. I don't care for that. They got a lot. And then you're just Mark.

One syllable. Bang. What do you do? Well, I'm Joseph. Joe is short. Both biblical. Is there a Mark? Mark, Matthew, Luke and John.

I'm one of the disciples. Apostles. You got me. One of the... The apostle was Robert Duvall, I think. What am I? The pips? What are we?

The whalers. Let us learn the pimps. Yeah. But Joseph, you're the guy who didn't get laid and had a kid. I'm a big guy. He's a cock. He's the original cock. The original cock.

Has anyone ever said that before? That's gold. He's the cock. Joseph's the original cock. Some guy came in there and plowed his wife. That's a little close to Geraldo who has one of the great bits ever. He's like that whole religion is based on a woman who really stuck to her story. Great line.

That is one of the great jokes. His son does comedy. No. Greg Geraldo Jr. The waiter? I think so. Oh, wow. Or at least produces a show.

Oh, okay. Good for him. Yeah. Runs of the family. Well, that's a bit. I think it's different enough because Cuck wasn't around then. Yeah. Good point.

All right. The original cock. You heard it here first. That should be my t-shirt. Picture of Joseph as an original cock. He's just holding the baby angrily. I didn't even get to get laid. That won't upset anybody.

No. Religion's out. Yeah. It feels like it's a little less, well, at least in our circles, but we're in a bubble. That's true. We're in a shit on religion bubble. Oh, yeah. Bubble gum.

Are you offended? Greg? He's Jewish. No. He's not Jewish. He's a Jewper. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah.

Another one. I'll make this quick. All right. So where you been? All right. You're fresh off the plane, the middle seat, the United States of America. It's insane what you can do when you have no sleep and unlimited funds and drugs and alcohol.

Yes. So we were together on Monday, which was, Jesus, three days ago. This is bizarre. That is wild. That is wild. Wacky. We do the pod. Then I leave and I go straight upstate with Eric Scott.

All right. And we did the B side. Joe Matarisa's new room up in Scarsdale. All of a sudden I keep hearing Matarisa's name. I'm doing a film festival that Matarisa's a part of. He's doing a thing. He mentioned you. Oh, he did.

Yeah, he mentioned the 4th of July. He's coming. Okay. Yeah. So that's something. Anybody care? Yeah. I think I got a golf.

It doesn't seem great because the guy that runs the festival was like, yeah, you come up here and if you drive, there'll be plenty of parking. He'd like kind of did that kind of gag where you're like this. Oh, I hate the parking gag. Yeah. It's no good. It's no good. You're insulting me, but thank you.

Well, not me, but his own festival. Okay. It's self-deprecating. Okay. I guess. Because I don't have that. I'm not selling tickets. You never know.

There's not much to do up there at West Chest. Maybe I should be promoting this. You should be promoting. I thought a film festival, they promote. I guess I should promote. Promote. I'll promote. So should the bald, the bald Mick.

Yeah. I don't think he gives a fuck. I guess not. Well, is he going to be there? Because I think if you have to be there, it's a whole different bag of hammers. All right. So drive. It's an hour drive.

It's easy peasy. Two shows. I didn't know. Is it a tent? Oh, that's intense. Big tent. And you know, you show up and there's no, look, it's all very, it's all well and good, there's no green room.

So you just kind of wandering, you know, and all the, the Westchester comics come out and say hello and you're just like, oh yeah, cool. And they're all very nice. Bobby Kelly? No, no, you know. Paul Verzi? The other ones. Giannis?

The other ones, you know, not really moving the needle. I see. But good guys. A lot of moving the needle. Yeah. That's a hell of a needle. Space needle. But they're at the needle.

But so we go on, Joe Matariz goes on. It's sold out. It's a hot show. It's in a tent. Good crowd. A lot of gays out there. It's all, a lot of all pipes coming at me. And it's the weirdest thing because it's in a tent that's open on both ends.

Kind of like, it's kind of like Souljoles. But if you were playing in the middle and the two sides were left and right. Right. And they're open and the streets right there and the Metro North is directly behind you. Oh my God. It's like he just ripped off Royersford. It's a mini Roy. Okay.

It's mini me. So you get all the bits that, wow, you know, the train going by. Then you got the guy who's blaring the hip hop going by on the street. And then to top it all off. And this is where I just start getting cunty and I go, what am I doing? I'm at a tent. God damn it. But, you know, everybody's very nice.

Crowd's great. A tent the night before you leave. I know. You should be spending time with your wife. Well, I think, hey, it's an hour away. I'll zip up, get a paycheck, zip down, run an hour, two hours. You know, I'm doing two sets, a seven and a nine. And I go, that's two hours of comedy.

And I zip back down, make a couple of cash. That's a lot of zips. Don't let the Vietnam. So I go out there and there's the town idiot guy. You know, the village idiot dude. Sure. I know the town idiot. He's a cute little quaint, quiet upstate, you know, suburb.

So there's the weirdo drunk guy who's outside the tent going like, who's he? What's going on? And they're going, Reggie, come over here. And they're like kind of, what do you call it? Scooting him? Scooting? Yeah, but they're corraling. Corraling.

They got a corral. Okay. Then he keeps making his way back over. Steve Corral. And he just won't stop. And he's half a tar. I see. So you can't be like, hey, you come guzzling, Reg, get out of here.

Now can't they throw him in a sack and stick him in the river like old school, you know? I think it's like one of those things like in something about Mary. He touches here and he just starts flipping tables and throwing cars over. So open air shows. I know. Give me no air. I hate air. Oh, Jordan.

Yeah. So that was fine. We got through it, whatever. You know what's funny about that show? I did all this holocaust, retard, all this stuff. I did a joke about sluts and they weren't having it. Hmm. It's fascinating where the line is.

Well, everybody has something they don't want to hear about. Yes. Everybody's a snowflake about something. So I hit the slut meter. So show goes great. We take some photos. Now the second show is in the restaurant because there's a noise ordinance. So they got to get out of the tent.

Why weren't you in the restaurant in the first place? Because the restaurant has less seats. So they sold more seats out in the tent. I got you. Now we got to move it in and it is tight. It's like a subway car in there. That sounds kind of nice. That was great.

That was a hot show and killed it. Good times. We jump out of there. It's pouring rain. I go step on it. It's one in the morning somehow. And then the flight. Here's the clinker.

And stop if I'm being boring. But Burt goes, what time are you getting to Red Rocks or Denver? And I go, my plane lands at noon. I got a 10 a.m. flight out. Nice and easy. He goes, noon. What if it's delayed? This is Red Rocks, man.

You can't fuck around. And I go, I'll get there at noon. Even if it's delayed, I'll get there at 2, 3. Yeah. Noon is good. Noon is good. He goes, it's crazy. You're being a dick.

You're going crazy. You got to fly out earlier. I'm like, the flight's booked, Jerry. You know, it's one in the morning. He's out there half in the bag in Denver. So it's 11 there. And he's like, I thought you'd be here now. And I'm like, I'm not here.

So he's like, here's what we're going to do. I'll buy you a new flight. So he buys me a 6 a.m. Oh, God. Getting to Denver at 10 a.m. So it's a two hour difference. Now, what about the bachelor party? He missed two shows.

Remember the bachelor party? He came late. Everyone's like, where's Burt? Burt's not here. We need Burt. Well, I know Burt. Two crowds missed him. You got a point there, Freddie.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. We should have got him there earlier. I agree. Well, he also had a bit of an incident at the club. All right. Club incident. That's true. And this is Red Rocks.

And he was also coming from Italy, as I remember. You're coming from Hartstale, surprise. Yeah, it's Garstale. So I go, ah, but you got to play ball because it's a nice gig. He's buying the flight. And you want to be a team player. So now you got to go straight to the goddamn airport. So now it's 1 1.30 in the morning.

And I got to get in a car at 4.30 to get to the airport at 5. So I got like two hours of sleep that way. Tried to put a move on the wife. She was already out. Then get to the airport. I'm in a fog. I'm in a haze. I'm half gay.

I'm half hard. Finally get on the plane. And I just conk out for a couple hours. Get to the Denver airport. It's an hour and a half drive from the airport to the mountains. To the Red Rocks. Yes. So I try to get a snooze on that.

And then I get right to the bungalow. He rented this whole compound. All these cool, like Lincoln log style houses. And it's on a creek. It's beautiful. Can't believe it's been a year since the last one. Crazy. Flew by.

I go right to my bungalow. I pass out. I wake up at 3. Okay. So I would have gotten there at noon. Yes. With an hour. With a regular amount of sleep.

And then I wake up at 3. Still feeling like hell. So I don't know if it was better. Yeah. Not so sure. But I understand you want the guy there. I get it. Because I had that with the bachelor party.

I'm like what time is everyone getting in. I hope everyone's here. If one person isn't in here. The whole thing. So you want everyone there early. I get it. I get it. I understand the mindset.

But I also see where you're coming from. Noon's not crazy. No. Noon is good. It's not like a five o'clock arrival. Right. What you have known to do. Sure.

Sure. Especially since the show is at eight. So I get it. So you got the bung. The bung hole. In the bung hole. And having a great time. Gilles is there.

And Dave Williams. Just a good hang. Good group. And we start. We start partying. And then we just head on. We get in a big party bus. He really knows how to do it.

It's this big party bus. It's like 30 people on it. We're all drinking. We're all listening to music. We're singing. We get to red rocks. Food spread. You know.

In the bowels. I'm showing Shane all the signatures. Of all the people that we've never heard of. And such a cool venue. Such a cool. We ran up and down the stairs. It's empty. You get that empty red rocks to yourself.

Right. And you hear like the DJ's like getting going. And. Wow. Just a magical place. The show kicks off. They're going nuts. The big Bert mascot goes out there.

He's a giant guy dressed as Bert with a big gut and a beard. And he's out there in the crowd. And they're going shit nuts. And then. They do a thing called tops off cam. Hmm. That's where they. It's like a kiss cam.

But they should put. Put it on a fat guy. And he rips his shirt off. And the whole crowd goes apeshit. Oh. That's smart boy. He really knows what he's doing. He does.

He is good at this stuff. It was like a body positivity movement. It was just like fat dudes. Like. Feeling good about themselves. Now they ever put it on a woman. Just as like a. They did.

And she went. Hmm. And then everybody laughs. Right. You know women they're not fun. Well that's the smart thing about that though because no matter what the woman's reaction is. It works.

Aha. Because if she does like I don't think so. That's funny. But if she takes her tits out you're like oh my god amazing. Yes. But if she stops the action by saying no it's hilarious. Good point. Good point.

It's either going to be hilarious or it's going to be hot or it's going to be a lawsuit or whatever. Or it's going to be a rough lady. Yeah. It's fun too. Yeah. I fucked many a rough lady. That was my thing.

Sure. Sure. I watched. About a decade. Oh yeah. That was good. I didn't see that one as much as I smelled it. Yeah.

It was wacky. At one point you and I had two 55 year old women in a hotel room. Hold it. Keep going. Keep going. No. It's an optical illusion. We were like 26.

Right. Right. So they looked you know but looking back they were probably younger than my wife is now. No. These ladies I mean she had the Holocaust tattoo on her. I mean she was up there. Yeah.

But that was because she was a Nazi. Yeah. That was that was wacky. Oh yeah. I was seeing her panties and they were like they had like 1976 written on the back. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

Roy Orberson signed her. Signed her tits. So. Great show. Good times. So everybody killed it. How much time do you do on a show like that? You do 15 to 20.

Dave goes up and does 10 to 15. I do 15 to 20. Then Gilles does 15 to 20 and then Bert goes out there. That shirt comes off. I put it on my my Instagram post. It is just like it's like Zeppelin. Wow. Banana and it's an outdoor show.

It's funny to go from the tent to the Red Rock both basically outdoor. This is just magic. Something about that mountain. It keeps the laughs in the lights. You see the stars up there. The vibes. The beach ball going around. It's something fatty.

Wow. That is good. The hot crowd and they die and laugh and they're paying attention. They're not just hooting in hall or anything. So hot. Loves comedy. And this is the second time he's been there. So the first time was kind of like let's see how this goes.

And that was fun. But this time was like this is comedy. Wow. These people came out to see Gilles. They came to see me. They're here to see Bert. So like I go out there. I got a pop.

Gilles gets a pop. Crazy. Wow. That is a thrill. It's a thrill. And then you get off and you got that. You're all keyed up. And so what happens after you go?

We talking hot tub. Bitches. Strip club. Bars. Coke. What are we doing? Well we got banged up at the in the bowels. There's a big green room and all these tunnels.

We signed the wall and just getting hammered and doing shots and high fiving and laughing. And there's a masseuse there. I got a massage. She touched my leg. And then we go back to the bungalow. And then the bus ride is amazing. Like even the bus ride is super fun. Just screaming music and somebody's DJing.

We're all dancing. And it's just a one nighter. Just a one nighter. Red Rocks. And then you go back to the bungalow. You party there. And then we all slept in. Beautiful day.

You know the deer goes by and it's all quiet because everybody's hung over. You hear the chirping. You shoot the bird because it's giving you a headache. And then the next day we go see Wilco on shrooms. Wow. Tell me about Wilco. So you take some mushrooms. Yeah.

You know the band. Are you excited about the band? You just kind of go okay. Whatever. There's a band. I know nilco about Wilco. I don't know a thing about him. And you have VIP seats in your backstage.

Oh yeah. He got to meet. So here's. Here's now. This is where the show will fuck you. He knows will and co. So he goes backstage Burt's. And I'm like, when are they starting?

Margo price open. I love Margo. Oh really? New Year's Eve 2018. Big Margo guy. She's a good egg and kind of a track. You met Margo? No.

No. I love Margo. Yeah. Cool gal. And just rocked the place. Yeah. She kicks ass. And she was more rocky than they are.

Yes. She rocks much. I think they're more like we're out in the fields or whatever. They're good. Yeah. Yeah. But it feels a little. I hope Wilco to near this.

They're very talented. They're good at the instruments. Everybody's unattractive, which I like in a band because it means they're real pros and artists. Absolutely. They feel a little like office rock, like corporate. Oh boy. They're not going to like that.

Oh jeez. Well they're good. They're pros and they're ugly. Love ugly. Ugly pros. Yeah. But I don't know. It just feels like there's no bite.

Yeah. You want some bite. Give me some bite. You want some kick. Yeah. It just feels very safe. Have you heard this band Houndmouth? Yes.

They're very good. I like them. I like them very much. They even have a little more emotion in it. A little more stink. A little more stank. A little mood here. Yes.

Mood. But you know, it's just a lot of like. Yeah. I think it's like mushroom rock. You take your mushrooms and you eat your weed gummies and you sit out there and you're in the fields. Yeah. So I'm next to Gillis and he hates it and he's like, I'm so bored, whatever.

And he's like, look at this guy. And we're on shroom. So everybody looks fucking weird and it's just a bunch of greasy, crunchy honkeys. Like. Right. Right. And you look behind you because we're in the front and it's 9,000 greasy poncho wearing stubble having granola eating pussy licking guys going.

Right. Yeah. That's funky. It's funky with the lights and the sky. It was too much. So we hit by the bathroom for about an hour and a half. So you have seats. You're like in the pit there.

Like you're just front row. You've been there. Yes. Yeah. It's just, I don't know. There's probably a million rows. We were on the 15th. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Pretty great. And you're getting recognized and people going, hey, there's Mark and Shane. Yeah. But it's not, we got a few of those, but it's not a lot of crossover because, hey, we were there the night before. I don't know how many people are going back to back. Right.

Because it's a real cum guzzler to get in and out of that thing. But yeah, we sat by the bathroom and just bullshit. And then this is the thing about mushrooms or any psychedelic. Weird shit happens where you go, am I on drugs or is this normal or is this weird? So me and Shane are sitting there and I'm looking up. And by the way, there's no talent at a Wilco show. Yeah. Every lady looks like Kathy Bates.

Probably a lot of Subaru's and Tiva sandals. Yes. The Tiva. You could be the hottest woman on the planet. You throw on a pair of Tivas. That's what they're called, right? Tivas. The sandals with the strap and the thing.

Yes. A lot of man bun. A lot of Columbia jackets. What are some items, clothing items that make a hot woman gross? Oh, good question. I think like the baggy jean movement. Yes. A high waisted baggy jean.

Dirty feet. Oh, dirty feet. That's like, that's too much. Jumping the shark. Yeah, right. That was a lot. I don't like a dreadlock. No, I don't care for a dreadlock.

A lot of dreadlock at Red Rock. Red Rock, dreadlock. That's like how an Asian would say it. Red Rock. Oh, dreadlock. Yeah. What else? What else?

Glasses I like. Ponytail I like. You know those ear gauge. Oh, no one worth their weight and come has ever had one of those. All right. I don't want to push away. You know, we've got some compost eaten listener here. We're talking sexual attraction.

Okay. I mean, every man is unattractive to me. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah, quefer. I guess the hemp neck. Hemp necklace. Oh, I don't know the hemp neck.

Any long dress, like a dress that goes down in the air like some Amish lady is strange. Yeah, I don't like that. I like a short dress, skirt, a flip up. I love a flip up. And I'll go even further. I don't like a croc. Croc is bad. My mom wears crocs.

I'm like, you got a bachelor's degree. Cook? Yeah. Croc is gross. You know, you can do a lot of things. You can spin to an attractiveness. A sweater, a sweatshirt, a hoodie, a tube top. A tube top I don't love.

Oh, I love a tube. It just feels too, it triggers my like, oh, see, I'm like, that's going to fall. You keep doing the pull. Yeah, the pull up. But I keep doing this the whole time. Clothing adjustment, not hot. Okay. Interesting.

I love a tube. I just like the idea of it's just one fabric going all the way around and covering the jugs. It feels too weird. It's like tape. It's like saran wrap. I'm in. Saran wrap's hot. My prom date wore a tube top, though, and it was pretty hot.

Tube top to a prom. Well, you have to see it. It was sparkly. Oh, that's not open. And it was like, well, I mean, she had a dress underneath. I see. It wasn't like a tube top and jeans. Oh, okay.

It was a sparkly tube. I'll get the photo. Get the photo. I'll black out the face. Well, I mean, she was black, but I'll get in blue. I don't know what to say for wearing that tube top. It was a sparkly sequence tube and then like a pink, long, pink, skirty dress thing with a nice bear heel.

Okay. And the makeup and the hair all done up. All right. It wasn't bad. It was controversial at the time. Oh, look at you dating a freewheeling, fun-loving attitude. Well, you know me. All right.

By the way, my sister got married and one of her bridesmaids had cornrows. White woman had cornrows and wore flip flops, and it was quite controversial. Yeah. Yeah. That's unacceptable. It was like a thing of like, what's up with this day? Yeah. Super hot.

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That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code Tuesdays at Manscaped.com. Manscaped. Clear out the leaves. It's your tree trunk's time to shine. Back to the show. So, okay. So this is one of those shroom moments where you're like, is this real? What is this?

I look up on this top of the stairs at Red Rocks. Nikki Glazer. Really? I go, wait. I can't be right. She's a big free wheeling celebrity. She's not going to be out here with these crunchy gum guzzlers. Well, you never know.

You never know. So I go, and she goes, ah, it runs down. Now this is the crazy part. This is random? You just randomly see Nikki Glazer? Random see Nikki Glazer, me, Gillis, his ladies there. And I'm like, what the hell? And she goes, I go, huh?

What are you doing? A little chaplain? And she's like, and we're like, what the fuck? And she's like, and I was like, oh, you took a foul of silence. And she's like, ah, geez, no, you idiot. Laryngitis? That's it. She can't talk.

Yep, no talk. So it's so weird to see somebody randomly, like out of place, and then they can't talk. And you're on mushrooms. And I'm on mushrooms. So I was like, what the fuck is going on? Is she fucking with us? Are you fucking with us? Wow.

I couldn't believe it. Oh, God, this is freaky. I got some comics. I'd like to see some sets like that. I know. I told her this is the best version of you. Not talking. So did she write letters?

She took her phone out. She said Laryngitis, N-word, you know, charades. So kidding. Wow. Interesting to go to a concert without being able to talk. That's the whole thing is singing along. But I guess Wilco, you're not really singing along. You're absorbing.

You're bopping and absorbing. Yeah. So that was just one of those, oh boy. And now these weren't the best shrooms. I don't want to be a picky queef, but they weren't the best. So Shane was like, you feel them anymore? I'm like, not really. So we just kept going.

Oh, jeez. Chasing. Yeah, we kept chasing it. And then you're drinking too. So we're drinking. We're chasing. And we're freaking out a little bit with the music. And then we finally get back to the bungalow.

And it was like looking in the mirror. I looked like Rupert. It was wild. Oh, God. So I had to go to bed. And then, of course, 6 a.m. pickup. And then here I am. And this is it.

You just landed. Just landed. This is cookie time. Well, the schedule is all wacky. I don't think we should be here. I mean, this is, you should be in bed. It feels different. But maybe it's still the shroom haze.

I mean, I don't know what's going on. Well, it's all off. It's a Thursday. It's like 5 p.m. Usually we're here at Monday at 8 a.m. with our pants off and no chuck chime. Hey, Rupert. Rupert's a school teacher for Christ's sake.

It's very strict. He's going to be clean over here. This guy's going to lose tenure. Watch out for the shooters. What is tenure, by the way? Do you have any idea what tenure is? I know a 10-year-old. Yeah.

Well, he's dead. Don't touch my basement. But what the fuck is tenure? I think it's like a pension. A pension, I thought, was money. Yes. But tenure, like, you can't get fired. You get something.

Your status. It's like a status thing. Yeah, pension's not status. Right? No. But tension or tenure is weird because it's weird to just get to a level. And they're like, you're good. You're untouchable.

Yeah. What does that mean? That's what that means? To elementary. You teach high school. Do high school teachers get tenure? Can you fucking care? This is like Dr. Nicky Glazer, by the way.

He's got no butt. Yeah. Can't fucking care. So once you have tenure, what does that mean? You can't get fired? You have to basically molest a kid. To get fired. You're good to go.

Wow. It's like a union. Yep. You get those union guys who are like, I'm not lifting a finger. I did my hours. They're like, you can't move that one apricot? They're like, nope. Can't move it.

Wow. Ten year. I wish comedians could get tenure. It's like a 20 year. I could be cruising over here. It'd be nice. You know, I'm like, I'm doing 30 minutes and that's it. Yeah.

Say what I want. You know, you can pull up Michael Richards like, I got tenure. Fuck you. Yeah. It's so fascinating. Because they always talk about tenure. He was two years from tenure, a year from his tenure. And I don't quite understand it.

But a double beep. Oh, no. That's the five o'clock. Five o'clock? What does that mean? It beeps uncontrollably at five. It's usually a two beep every hour. Why don't you read the instructions that the guy sent?

Well, I got the new watch on the way. It feels like unnecessary. You should smash that. It'd be the most viral video. Take it and smash it like fucking, you know, Pete Townsend, Henricks, whatever. There you go. It's done.

All right. So the tenure. Oh, I had it something on the tenure. The three ten years. Yeah. Pavarotto, Domingo and the other guy. Are you close? I got it.

Oh, you got it. But you're so young. You're like 28 years old. What kind of school is this? That's it. Five year tenure? That's horseshit. What are you, 29?

It should be tenure. 35. 35. No kidding. Wow. 35 year old tenure. Good for you. How about that?

What subject? Chill. Oh. It's hilarious. You're living the dream, man. Yeah. Well, welcome. I took film in college.

And I'm here. Yeah. And you're filming us. That's something. There you go. And I got some film on my teeth. Yeah. All right.

Well, I got one more thing to run by and then I'll leave you alone. Oh, shove it up my head. I mean, I got nothing. We recorded two days ago. I've been crying in my house, but I could talk about that. I'm sad. I wouldn't kill myself. Oh, yeah.

But you're in a slump? Big slump. I hate a slump. I'm like hitting 198 out there. Ah, rut. It's bad. By the way, that's like the league average now. But I don't want to get down the baseball road.

Has the average gotten worse? They stink. It's bad. There's no rules next year. You can't shift next year. No shift. No shift. What do you do?

Because they're putting all the players up because all the analytics, the statistics, they look and they go, this guy hits it 87% of the time right to my mother's asshole. So they put seven gloves on your mother's asshole and the guys owe for 58. So many new rules. So now you can only have two gloves on each side of the asshole. All right. It's crazy. I'm confused, but it sounds like some OJ shit.

Yeah, the league averages. I just looked it up. 1992, the top 10 hitters were hitting like 348, 339. Now it's like 112, 108. But was that PDs? Ah, that was kind of before the steroid era. But either way, the steroids were causing the home runs. Not the bad again.

I see. So it's a stinkeroo. That's not a good sign. I thought we'd always be progressing. You know, Tony Hawk does the 900. Now we all do the 900. Like I thought it always moved up. I know, but the value has changed in baseball.

I mean, I don't want to go down a whole baseball rabbit hole here because nobody gives a fuck about baseball, which is part of the problem. But now it's all home run or strikeout. They're swinging for the fences. It used to be contact. You try to slap the ball right away and get to one base at a time. Now it's like you try to hit a home run or you strike out whatever. Who gives a shit?

Well, this is the problem. I think just in society in general, not to get too, uh, queefy, but, uh, you know, the attention spans, shit, balls, stinkeroo, you know, the tick tocks are ruining everything and the reels and all that. Just baseball is, you know, really pretty, drawn out, kind of take your time, meditative, beautiful thing and people can handle it. They can't handle it. Same with tennis.

I talk about this with tennis. I'm a big tennis queef. But tennis is quick. It's boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, in the moment, it's a four or five hour match sometimes in the grand slams, at least. But I think they should change it. It's 15, 30, 40. It should just be one, two, three, four.

You get more fans. Hmm. Just, you think that's holding people away is the love. I talk to a million people. They go, I can't make sense of this. What is this? Really? 30 to 40.

What is this bullshit? I'm a fucking tard over here and I figured it out just from watching it. I watched two games and I got it. I know. You put some time in, but, I mean, Michael Costa does the joke. It's like the French, they, they made it 15, 30 love to keep away the poor people and it still works. Uh, keep away the dumbbells.

Yeah. And the centuries later, it's still working. You got people with Bud Light Shirts going, I can't understand this. Right. Well, I think we know what you're talking about. All right. Well, interesting. So, uh, I had another run in.

Where's Burke? Was it an old, angry lady? Oh no. So, uh, I was at the Richmond Funny Bone with a couple of fun cats last week. We do the Thursday show. We're sold out Friday, Saturday, but Thursday is still some stragglers. It's like a half full room, whatever. Get the drunk lady.

You know, when you're in the green room, do you have this? I didn't have any merch there. And, uh, and they go, you going out there? The manager's like, you going out there? And I'm like, ah, better not. And he's like, all right, I thought you always went out there. And you're like, all right, I'll go out. So now you got to go out there.

You got to schmooze and wine and dine and rub elbows and dicks. And everybody's very nice. And a lot of people give me tips on what I should do. And here's how you should have written that joke. And that joke wasn't great, but we liked your old stuff. Good stuff. And then one lady, hot older lady. She's got a tube top on and a dress.

Blonde lady. She's probably 50, but she's hanging in there. Doesn't have a prom date. Yes. It might have been. Tube top. Same age. Dress, 50 years old.

Yeah. So she's with like this big burly man guy. That's me. Okay. Yeah. All right. There we go. No herpes.

So he's like, oh dude, we love you. We love all the pods and all this shit. And she was like, you're very funny. Yeah. We like the show. We have a special needs niece. Could you lay off the special needs stuff? Is she special needs or she's drunk?

She's drunk. I see. But it was on the line. And I'm like, ah, and she's got me right here. I'm back on the wall. And I'm like, ah, yeah. Well, you know, to each his anal. What can you do?

The kingdom come to God's will. Praise Allah. And she's like, I'm just saying, she's like touching my chest. Could you lay off? And they're like, okay, I'll change everything for you. I'm sorry. And I like slink away. And she's over like 10 feet away now.

It's like, I know what the special needs. She's like fighting with herself. And her husband's like, easy, easy. And he comes over. He's like, sorry about her. Don't worry about her. And then I feel bad about it. You know, as you do, I'm a sensitive douche.

And we walk back to our hotel a couple of minutes later, maybe like a half hour later. And two guys walk out of the hotel bar and they go, Mark Norman. I go, yeah, they go, some lady was in here trashing you. Oh, wow. And it was her. And they're like, she was kept saying you were racist. Racist.

And they were like, right? What do you say? She like kept making retard jokes. And they're like, well, that's not race. And then they're like, they weren't even at the show. They're like, we're going tomorrow, but we've defended you. But now this lady's in the hotel. It's kind of good though.

She's getting good word of mouth out there. I guess. But she's going around telling people I'm Jim Crow. Wow. Yeah. What was his deal? Is he a politician? I know he's got the laws.

The laws. Jim Crow, he wrote the laws. I thought he was a bird watcher. But I think he was a governor. I think he wrote laws. He made a lot of laws about the black folk. They say Jim Crow South. Did he just run the whole South?

Was he Mississippi? A governor? A senator? I don't know if he was a senator. Congressman, what's Jim Crow? That's a great question. I think he was an influencer. Because they just say the Jim Crow South.

Yeah. What was he? Senator one state and then moved to the next? Yeah, it's a good quest. What the hell's going on out there with Crow? I've always wondered. He was a go-getter evidently. Yes, this is the Crow flies.

Black crows. Not a real guy. Jim Crow wasn't a real guy. They made him up, huh? A boogeyman. How about that? Wait a minute. No kidding.

Or is this like some conspiracy? You're like Alex Jones. You're like there was no Jim Crow. He's not a real guy. Never happened. He's James Crow. Who knows? Jim Crow?

What's it say? Give me a quick sentence. A white actor basically did a menstrual routine called Jim Crow. Oh, okay. And it stuck. All right. We'll laugh and learn here. Yes, I love it.

Crowbar. Wow, so she's calling you racist even though you're just making, you know, jokes. Yeah, so, you know, here, but here's the clinker. This is where it all twists around. So they throw her out of the hotel bar because she's being a little unruly. She bumps into two or three heavy set Hispanic women. Okay. Now they start going at it and she keeps calling them Spanish slurs and yelling at them.

What? And they threaten to beat her ass. She runs away. Wait. So these women aren't, they're not Normand. No, no. These are just randos around town. Oh, I thought he meant three fat Latino Norman knights.

Oh, I wish. I wish I had a couple of fat lats. So this is just a random act of violence. They start yelling at each other. Total bump in. Just a straight straight up like, whoa, excuse you, excuse you, you fucking sombrero wearing jumping bean, you know, and then they go at it. This sounds like Jim Crow.

Is this real? What? No, it's this woman. This is Jane Crow. Wow. Yeah. So she's got the problem. Of course.

She's at the bar getting kicked out. Her husband's like telling her to shut the fuck up. She's with three strange Latino ladies and starts to call them slurs. So I felt a lot better. Yeah. This lady's a bag of shit if you ask me. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. And with my bad knee, I shouldn't be throwing anybody.

That's true. But yeah, so that was a nice little, because you see her yelling at you about the special needs jokes. You're like, she's a good person. I'm a bad person. Then you hear about all this stuff and you're like, no, maybe you're bad. Yeah. She's double bad.

Double bad. If you're an artist, what they should be doing and shouldn't be doing and please, could you change this to that is crazy. Agreed. I just go back to Dylan going electric and people being like, excuse me, could you not? And then he'd be like, okay, sorry. Anyways, here's my acoustic. My bad.

Yes. But it's a slippery slope because you want to please the crowd. So you want them to like you. You want them to enjoy the art. Right. But you also want to do your thing and be true to you. No, sometimes people are like, well, who cares what the people say? And you're like, well, they're the consumers.

Yes. That's the audience. So there is that line. They like to walk. The comics are saying this and I'm like, well, that's great, but they don't buy the tickets. They hang on the back and go, oh, that was great. Right. I want the consumers to like you need them.

Yeah. Like that was, I'm not going to say who, but this famous pop star came out recently and was like, Hey, if I start preaching on stage, she's a singer. So if I start preaching on stage and you bought a ticket to see me, you're getting me. Like you, I might not sing the whole time. I might just bitch about politics and all these people are mad. And she's like, but I'm expressing myself. You paid to see me express myself.

And they're like, we paid to see the song. Yes. It's an interesting debate. It is. Because it's like, well, here are the artists. You have the mic. You can do whatever you want. Yeah.

See, I have this with like Eddie Vedder. He just rambles on and on. It's not even political. And just rambling. You're like this. All right, Ed. Oh, does he do that? Yeah.

He does it a lot. I think sometimes it's for the band to like, they're almost 60. They got to like catch their breath. So he's like, let me tell you a long story about Ray Charles or whatever. Right. Right. That sucks. Yeah.

It's a little much. The band needs a minute. The band needs a minute. Yeah. I guess so. But I can't understand what he's saying. Anyways, he's all mumble mouth. He's a real, he's a real stammer guy.

Yeah. He's got the marbles. And we play this. This is great. But what can you do? You buy the ticket. You got to stick it. I guess so.

Yeah. All right. Well, doesn't get any better than that. Yeah. Any better than that. Well, yeah, I don't have much. I've just been sitting at home with my queen. My wife's out of town.

It's very strange. So it feels in your mind. You're like, I'm going to live a single life. But when you're single, you're fucking children. You know what I mean? You're dressing up. Ten year old. Yeah.

Exactly. You're dressing up in her clothes and everything. But in reality, I've just come home and I really, I feel of service with the wife. I wake up early. I wake up before I go for a run. I meditate. I get our coffee. I come in.

I rouse her. You know, I grab her tits while she's sleeping. Yes. I put the coffee under her nose. Yes. I love you. You're a bean bean. Today's going to be great.

I put a thumb in her ass. Check her oil. Bean bean. But with nobody there. Well, beans, green, you just rhyme things. I see. It's sweet. I thought it was a nickname you had for her.

Yeah, bean bean, Jojo beans, Sarah beans. Beans are fun. You just throw beans out. Oh, I didn't know about beans. Give it a try. All right. Cool beans, garbanzo beans, green beans. No, no, no.

You got to personalize beans. Oh, you got to personal. Coffee beans. Jojo beans, sasa beans. What's your wife's name? Kelly. May. May.

I saw her the other day. I did her show. It was pretty good. All right. May bean. May bean. May bean. Maybe it's baby bean.

Hey. All right. Oh, may bean. Oh, won't you be true? But anyways, you give the nickname. So you have something in the morning. You have a reason to live. Yes.

And then at night, you know, you liked it. We call it a podcast. You go, I saw him. That's crazy. His asshole was bleeding. Her mother's gay, whatever. Yeah. But with no one there, you're just sitting there.

I'm watching Nathan for you going, boy, he's better than me. I never made anything with my life. I should kill myself. Yeah. How many times a day do you think I should kill myself? Because I'm in, like, the triple digits, easy. Well, for me, it's all pipes. Like, it all depends on what's going on that day.

You know, you read one bad YouTube comment. You go, pull out the razor. And then sometimes you're like, boy, it's a nice day today. Put the razor away. The razor scooter. Yes. So razor a bone. So it's all up and down.

Yeah. I don't know. I just sit there. I want to shoot myself all the time. You do the other day that I think you'll be proud of. Ooh. I was very excited. I've never done this in my life.

And talking to people, I don't think anyone's ever done this, ever. I got the car. It's in the garage. The Sentra. Sentra. And I don't drive it all that off because it's annoying as fuck. New York is just a great big nightmare. It really is.

It's a horrible place to live. You know, Ron and I go for walks. The train's going over your head. Yeah. Just like, so anyways, I have this zit on my ass. I got to go. And then you. And then that passes and you go.

Anyway, sorry. So I got the zit squeezed. Yeah. Now, you know, my mother called me and she said I should kill myself. No, no, no, no, no. The train comes over again. You just want to shoot yourself. Not to mention the guy going, fuck you, white man.

You ruined the country. Yeah. Exactly. You can't get a minute. Exactly. It's a horrible place to live. So I leave the car in the garage a lot. But I get, I get the email.

My inspection stickers do September 30th. And this is like, this is September 13th. Okay. I got nothing on the calendar that day. So I go, you know what I'm doing? I'm going to go get my car. I'm going to get inspected. Wow.

I love an open errand. Two weeks before I need it. What a guy. You had the time. I don't think anyone's ever done this ever. Not in history. So I get the car. And I live in Queens as if the folks at home, it's like the car capital.

It's like we're all the fender bender. What do you call it? Fixer upper. Mechanic. The mechanics. All the car washes. If you're ever by a city field, the whole outfield is all body. What do they call it?

Chop shop. Yeah. Auto shop. Which, you know what I love about auto shop, body shops? There's no presentation. No. There's a sign this big. It says Bill.

And then there's just dirt and screws and hunks and shit everywhere. Everyone looks like shit. They just call you the N word to your face. Oh yeah. There's just nothing there. It's very male. There's no like where number one. So come on in.

Right. It's just like your car's fucked up. You're going to have to come to somebody. It's true. It's the same with like a firehouse. I went to a firehouse when I was 10 because I wanted to go down the pole and it's just half naked whores on the wall, a pot of chili cooking and a Dalmatian. Well, that was in the 80s because I'm all firehouses.

It's very corporate now. Oh really? They got to ship up and shape up. Oh man. When I was there, they had a hooker and they were hitting a, they had a midget on a tricycle. A hooker and ladder. Well, we had Stavros naked there at the firehouse. By the way, big, the firehouse benefit Uncle Dale, October 22nd.

It's in Rockland, Massachusetts. You got to come out. The place to be. I got Tony V. I got Mike Whitman. I got Sarah Dallas. Oh. Somebody else.

Always a fun show. It messaged me for a link. It's for the fire. It goes directly to the firehouse. It's all. That one can't be too corporate. I feel like they're still having a good time over there. Well, the house itself is cleaned up.

They're aware. It's a reverent for sure. Yeah. And the show is, it's a great time. Hell yeah. But any jazz. So I go to the first, don't you hate these businesses in New York? They just, it's like they don't want, it's like they're challenged to be like, let's

get rid of this guy. I've seen it all the time. It's only in New York. So I get nervous because it's all like, they're all Indian and Middle Easter and they're intimidating. They're very like, they look scowly and they got like, you know, they're covered in oil and it's just, the mechanics are scary. Yes.

My friend, my friend. Yes. So I pull in and right away I like chicken out because there's no place to like park. You have to see what New York auto body shops look like. There's like no parking or anything. So I pull in and like immediately I just go to the gas tank to be like, I'll go to the gas tank. That way worse comes to worse.

I'll just pump it full of gas and get the fuck out of here. And so it's like a full service. The guy's like, yes, yes, I fill you up and I go, okay, great. I go, what's going on with the inspection? I just have to act like I just saw the sign. Maybe I'll get an inspection sticker. He's like, very busy today. Very busy.

And I go, okay. He goes, talk to that man over there. And then there's a guy I look over and it's just like, he looks like the bin Laden wanted photo. Oh no. He's just angry, staring at me. He's got like laser eyes. Yes.

And I go, hey, I need an inspection. No, no inspections. Too busy. Too busy. Jesus. And he's like, well, so is there like another time he goes too busy, too busy. And you just want to go, I'm trying to give you money. I know.

You want to get the better business bureau in there to shape them up. So I went passive aggressive. I went, all right, too busy. So not another time. You don't want my business. I got you. Good. Never again.

No, no service. Yes. 10-4. Sorry to bother you. Then I get in my car and I'm full tank of gas. I put it in gear and I just hear, I go, ah, geez, I look over. There he is. Ben?

It's Ben. Oh, okay. And he's been better. It has been. I crack the window and he goes, tomorrow at 9 a.m. And I go, hey, Zach, I did the drive away. It felt good. You had to test him.

It's almost like you got to call these bluffs on these guys. It's wild. Well, it's just insane. I understand. Life is hard for him. I'm sure after 9-11, people threw dog shit at him and hated him. I still regret that. I'm sure it sucked.

And he's a mechanic. Life is hard. And I'm sure he's trying to get his family over, whatever it is, I empathize. But I always talk about this. It's not hard to have manners. I agree. Just go, hey, we're too busy. But if you come by tomorrow or whatever, a call, you know, too busy, too busy, too

busy. But it's weird that he's mad at you for coming to his place of business. Yes. It's fascinating. Yes. It doesn't make sense. And I think they, I don't want to generalize, but I think in other cultures, manners are not part of it.

You know, I think that's a very Western thing. Like I'm dealing with this contractor at my house and he's like Middle Eastern, nice guy, but he's all business. He's like, need money, Mr. Mark, Mr. Mark, need money. And I'm like, how about a little bedside man? Are you a kook? Yes. Like give me a little, hey, this is what's happening now.

We're short on funds. Just a little bit of, cut my balls for a second. Give me something. Something. Give me shelter. Okay. Tomorrow at 9am. But I realize you have the feeling, the dopamine or whatever of going to do the thing, but

I didn't get it done. Exactly. I have to remind myself. Exactly. So then next step, the best car wash in the city, which three different cab drivers have said, best car wash city is right across the street, 21st Street in Astoria. Okay. It's the best.

The best, Jerry. I go over there. I go, let me get this thing washed. It's been sitting in the garage. 20 bucks. They vacuum it. They keeps the new car smell. You get in my car, I got a new car smell.

I want to sniff it. I'm four years old. So they soup it up and then they send it through the car wash and you stand inside and you watch through the glass inside the store and you really watch them get it all soaked up and they come and hand dry it. I love it. It smells like a million bucks, but I still, I feel good. I got a full tank of gas and a clean car, but still need that inspector gadget.

So then I look it up, Google, again, I'm in the car capital of the world, there's one right around the corner. Don't you love when it says 500 feet or whatever on the GP? Yes. So I pull over there and this is the Cooke capital, by the way, where these car places are. There's no other businesses. Yes.

It's just a row of car, like miles. And it's a bunch of like, you know, heroin addicts hanging upside down like Batman. Sure. And I pull in and I go, hey, you doing inspections? The guy goes, he doesn't even speak. He's like, tells me to like correct the car. So I put the car in there and I go, so you can do it now. And the guy's like, yes, $37 and I go, okay, great.

And now it's all pipes. He just plugs it into the electronic thing. Oh, yes. It's just a little like gadget. I sit there. I watch the Cooke. They're just scurrying by like Jurassic Park. Yes.

Yes. And then he goes, all right, all set, 37 bucks. He swipes my car. I'm there for eight minutes. He scrapes off the sticker, slaps on the new one. I put the car back in the garage. I got a full tank of gas, clean car, inspection sticker taken care of two weeks before it was due.

Unbelievable. And now you got a triple whammy. I'm a man, Jerry. I feel like a real man. I called my wife. I sent her a picture of my dick. I sent it to her mother too, just to like, hey, you're in good hands. Yes.

Yes. With all state. All state. But yeah, so the beauty is, because sometimes they'll go nine o'clock tomorrow and you're like, yeah, but this is my window. That's not my window. I got no window at nine o'clock. It's kind of like when you call somebody, they don't answer.

And then they call back like 10 minutes later, I'm like, that's out of my window. That was it. Because I was like, I'm going to call Susan. And Susan doesn't answer. I go, all right. Well, now I'm going to smoke a cigar and take a shit on my mother's chest. Susan be answered. But yeah, that's the move.

I get into thinking in my head, I'm like, all right, I got five hours free. I'm going to go get a haircut. And I go to the place and I go haircut, walk in, they go, it's going to be about a four hour wait. All right. And I go to the other haircut place and I go walk in, Christopher. And they go, you got it. Exactly.

Did him out. Yeah, I felt like a hundred bucks, but I'm sitting over there. I got no wife and I'm a lonely boy, but I'm heading to Gig Harbor to hang out with the family there. But with her, is she going with her mom? She's staying in with her mom. She's staying in Houston. Oh, that's a long, long, long, no labia.

Full month. Yeah, I'm backed up. And now I'm all I try to jerk off. But I just lose almost like, well, I'm all sex now. I've been spoiled by sex. I like a jerk every now and then he mix it up. Well, don't get me wrong. I mean, I can jerk.

But like this other time I jerk like every couple of days. Sure. Because I'm like, what am I going to do? The point I've seen it. I need to fuck. Yeah, I like to save up some of the jerks. If you jerk too much, the fucking is less. Right.

Yeah, you want to save. You save, save the jerk. But so did jerk. I'm going to a wedding this weekend. You're going to Seattle. So we're both taking a weekend off. Absolutely. Got to do it.

And then I'm going to LA, which I'm very excited about. Oh, yeah, I saw Erin. She books The Improv. She says hello. Erin von Schoenfeldt? Yes. She's my first TV spot. Is that right?

Yeah. She's a good egg. Yeah, I don't think I've seen her in years. She was at Red Rocks. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. See, her, Erin Burton and Lanna are all very tight. But she's, I was like, I had Lister's coming.

She's like, I love Lister. Really? She said that. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, she really saw me back 2008. First person. I was in Vegas, Caesars Palace.

Did the TBS HBO comedy competition thing. And the first time I was ever in the room was Chris Rock. I remember being in this place. That is insane. It was so exciting. And I was walking to the casino and she said, Joe List. And I said, oh, hey, I didn't know who she was. And she said, go over here.

She said, Erin Vaughn Schoenfeld. He's like, I live at Gotham. I love your stuff. But you got to send us a tape. Yeah. Comedy sound. I go, OK. And I was with the manager, Josh Liebman.

Oh, Liebman. He was like, take me around. And I went, my uncle Dale's here. It's good to meet you. But whatever. And that was the beginning of my complete ignorance towards the entire industry. I was like, I got Uncle.

Derek was there. I was like, I got Uncle Dale and Derek over here. We're going to gamble. He's like, you want to go play cards? And I was like, nah. Nah, I'm good. And then he went on to become a big manager. He produced all the TV shows.

He had Malini, all those people. Oh, wow. Yeah, really fucked up. Also, I played poker with JP Buck, who was the booker of Conan. Hey, I love book. Which was fun, because I was just playing poker for a while. And then after a while, we were just hanging out, being charming.

I love when this happens. And you're just being yourself. Yes. And he goes, by the way, my name's JP. I booked Conan, and I booked the festival, and I booked a bunch of other shit. You didn't have to be on. You were already on, but normal on.

I would have been off. So I was normal on, which happened at Carolines with Patty. He was like a waitress. Remember Patty? Nah, I don't know Patty. I had him before your time. But she was the waitress, and we were hanging out all weekend.

She's like, I'm from Boston. You're from Boston. Fuck you, all these gays. My father, the Red Sox. And then at the end of the weekend, she's like, oh, you're great. By the way, I didn't want to tell you I'm the new booker. And I was like, yes.

Because if she had come out and been like, I'm the booker, I would have been like, whoa. This is crazy. Who's the boss? It's a great show. Patty, Patty, Manny's. Same Patty's day. But so every once in a while, by the way,

how long have we been recording? Yeah, what have we had here? No idea. One hour? Oh, Jesus Christ. We got to hit the eject button. Damn, I had one thing I wanted to throw in, but I think the time has passed.

Shit, what was that? How did I blow it? I started talking about Patty from Carolines. No, it was fine. That was interesting. But what was the last thing we talked about? Rupert, tenure, pedophilia, my mother's tits. Live at Gotham.

Red Rocks. Aaron. Aaron Schoenfeld. Yeah, it's gone. Seas of Balanced Vegas. Oh, well, are you going to Seattle? I'm going to a wedding. I'm actually excited about the wedding.

Oh, really? It's in Portsmouth. And it's just nature? Yes. No kidding. That's a hell of a place. Great town. Love Portsmouth.

I'm taking a bus. It's 7 30 in the morning. Why are you taking a bus? That's the only the Amtrak. What is wrong with you? The Amtrak's five hours. Do you have access to your bank account? I'm confused by everything you do.

What would you do? Rent a car. Rent a car and drive a car. Rent a fucking Ferrari. Are you kidding me? Rent a car. That's not bad. You shouldn't take a bus.

Rent a car. It's embarrassing. A bus? Well, it's a luxury bus. OK, are you the only one on it? There's a couple of migrants. You could get a tour bus with your face, spray paint it on it, and take it to Portsmouth.

I don't know about that, but a car. Yeah, a car. They have them. You go right in. They hand you a car. Can I get it now? I'm going tomorrow. Tomorrow?

That might be pricey. This is what I told you 10 years ago. I forgot about the car. You got to buy a. A Zolt, a Volt. A Volt, a Yaris, or whatever. Go to Yaris Papis. Buy a car.

All right. You make money. You have money. I drove my Beamer to the Hamptons last week. That's fantastic. But just go get a car. Like a shit box. Yes, not a shit box, but one exactly like mine.

Get a Sentra. Get a Sentra. You cruise around. That way, when you have it, you have it. Yeah, the bus. 730. I mean, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Rupert, is this nuts?

You got tenure? It's a luxury bus. There's no such thing. They put that in there to dupe you. It's got lights in it, and it's shot. Like one of those big ice luges where you'd be poor Yeager. You've been duped. Remember when we rented a car from Newark that time?

We went out there. We couldn't find it. That was hell. That was crazy. Where were we? I didn't know what town that was in. We did DC in Philly. It was a Sean Joyce gig.

And then we did Philly. We did like a little run. That's right. That was a fun weekend. That was fun. We should do a live pod in Philly. People ask all the time. I got to take better care of myself.

All right, where are you going to be there, Faddy? Because I got to go run a car real quick. Well, I brought a bike calendar just for this. Well, when did this come out? In the 70s? Royal Oak, this weekend. I'm in Royal Oak, Michigan. I'm back.

I love that club. Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Fill it up. I did well there last time. Next weekend, Syracuse Funny Bone. October 7th and 8th. Then Skank Fest. I'll be out there.

I think we're probably doing a live pod. Sunday night. October 22nd is Rockland, Massachusetts, the benefit for the Holbrook Fire Department. It's always fun. November 4th and 5th, Hartford Funny Bone. And then New Orleans for the Mark Norman wedding. Yeah.

Then December 8th through the 10th, I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin. After that, the 16th and 17th Omaha Funny Bone. Please go subscribe to my YouTube. Watch the specials. And I'll put a bunch of clips up there. I'm really working that YouTube. So hit it up.

And I'm back on the fucking stupid bullshit TikTok. Check it out on there or whatever. Nah, it's not nice, but whatever. I just pay a guy. I never even look at it. All right. I don't know when this comes out either, but I'm going to say I'm at Brea Improv in California.

Then I'm at the San Jose Improv. I'm all over Big Cali. Then I'm at the Royal Oak Music Theater, Danforth Theater in Toronto. A couple of shows there. Roxian Theater in Pittsburgh. New Haven. Philly, Orlando, Boston, New Orleans.

What am I missing? Bo Minneapolis at the Pantages, the Rococo Theater. The Englert Theater in Iowa. We're getting kooky. Revolution Hall, Portland, Oregon, Neptune Theater in Seattle, Funny Bone Albany, and all kinds of goodies. Zanies in Nashville, I said Boston, and Buffalo, Helium. So come on out, say hello.

Get on the Patreon. We're about to do one right now. It's hot and bothered. It's cooking. Patreon is sick. We got crazy shit. Chuck got it all organized. We got some videos coming.

Some extra videos. New video every week. Mark just shit himself. That was a wet one. The Patreon is, it's Primo. It's primed and ready to go. You got that right. I mean, it's all listed now.

It's all pipes, hours and hours. Like literally a thousand hours of your old buddies. Hell yeah, and big celebrities too. So check it out, tell a friend, queef it up, and we'll see you on the road. No one wants to be themselves. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die.