Tuesdays with Stories! - #473 Shanks for the Memories

Episode Date: October 11, 2022

The boys start off debating why bear poop is normalized but human  poop is terrifying. Mark and Joe head to a special photo-shoot for Racket  magazine, where they recreated a tennis-based episode of Seinfeld. Mark  talks about putting together a new show and a big creative win  behind-the-scenes! Joe tailgates in Gig Harbor, Mark goes to  San Jose and praises the Delta Lounge. The guys close the show by  cursing highfalutin meals. Bring back a good ole' fashion cheeseburger!  We're covering what matters, folks!! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com - Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code TUESDAYS for 20% off and free shipping. - Support the show and get 15% off your first order by visiting https://www.getfirstperson.com and use code Tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me I can't choose what I want to say oh my god that was bad timing that was bad timing full Robin Williams well you delayed over there you're on your phone we were rolling I had to

bring it oh man and by the way is chuck drink a cup of diarrhea look at the top baby poop give me a tall baby poo there's a lot of protein in it and get the breast milk straight through the filter baby poo has a distinct smell it's adult shit dog shit baby shit all different I still remember the funniest thing my sister ever said and I can't remember what it was about or what the thing was but she was like oh it smells like dirty diapers that just made me laugh so hard because it wasn't shit it wasn't baby shit it wasn't like crap it wasn't stinks you said smells specifically the diaper adds another

element powder it's powdery because a baby's ass after you clean it smells like I gotta start putting powder on stuff all powders killer yeah my hair my donuts all powder that was the movie we're gonna when Truman show came out I think we might have talked about this of the Truman show was all sold out so people had to go see powder instead you get the runoff I think we run off Hershberg I think we talked about this though because then somebody emailed me was like hey retard powder came out the year before but my memory it's like the Mandela effect he's good but I'm he died I thought he didn't die I know he did

die but they thought he died earlier yeah and then see three PO's leg is silver yes yes exactly cash for gold that was fun I like he's cute cute little guy well I'm just saying the effect whatever he's not that fun he's kind of a dull dull douche went to jail Paul Simon my wife those are things I know about South South Africa yes yes Musk Charlize oh right right Elon wait back to the the baby shit for a second I'll talk about baby shit all night well isn't it weird that human shit if you see if you see bear shit on the sidewalk you go that's weird but if you see human shit on the sidewalk you go we got to get out of

town yes humans are the little they're everywhere but if they shit on the sidewalk it's actually worse than an animal shitting on the sidewalk well this is a pretty easy solution here what do you mean kill humans are expected to shit in toilets and bears aren't well but a bear can kill you right human can kill you too but but I can't I'm not sure this analogy because you don't usually see bears on the sidewalk if I saw a bear shitting on the sidewalk I'd be way more scared than a human shit you haven't been to San Francisco those bears are everywhere but I see what you're saying I'm just saying when humans shit

on the sidewalk it's the end of civilization what a bear shits on the sidewalk you go there's bears here because bears aren't civilized right right yeah but my point is there's humans everywhere but to see one of them shit is terrifying it's no good yeah you don't want to see a human shitting by the way the subway is perfect for shitting because it has the pole on the train yeah I'm doing a visual we just found out 60% of our audience is audio only but you can you can hold the pole and lean back that's right shit going you don't see more now I would think but maybe they're scooping it up or also I

only ride the subway between 11 a.m. and 12 p.m. oh yeah not shit hours it's bad did you see the video of the guy that the ladies in the green you know those green costumes costumes at the airport like it's the guy that races in the baseball one of the baseball stadium I forget which one they have the green guy he's the speedy guy like green man green man green man I don't know I never heard green man yeah completely covered in green you've seen it looks like not latex like nylon oh is it for like computers yeah kind of like that yeah green screen yes it's we're green I was ladies these fat blackies wearing those

all green things what are they doing they got in a big fist fight I gotta say the video maybe we plug it in it's on reddit something reddit green ladies it was a story a entrained into a story but you'll find it it's on reddit I don't know I'll send it to you all right but there was a video and I don't know what the context but they must have been on a night in the town where they were the green people and they were like beating up some other people it was quite a yeah it was quite a sight but the fight subway fights have gone up ten fold I don't know what it is this is an evil in the air now because it is that

people are just pummeling women kicking them in the face Chinese ladies are getting soccer punted it's wild somebody got slashed I heard yes slashing his back slash good good guitarist mckagan yeah but it's a it's Thunderdome it's GTA out there yeah it's really scary and I've said it before but it's like the opposite of the old days the old days you wanted to ride the subway when no one was on it you have a car to yourself now I'll travel at rush hour only you want the people safety hitting the gym downstairs till it was rush hour cuz I didn't want to leave you guys yeah well I get the thing where my mom goes be

careful out there she sends me a link I'm like don't look at this lady this is all bad news this can't help you I know but people like to do that this happens all the time to you too is gay if you tell him not to do something the opposite happens but the gays they keep sending me these videos every day they're like you see this nerd with glasses getting curb stomped by a club owner no I don't want to watch this yes he's crazy but but yeah but they never sent you the good stuff they never go hey and some guy won the lottery in New York maybe it's you it's always the bad shit yes they're always sending me the

bear shit never the human shit yeah we like the bear shit bear shit good bear claw but yeah yeah it's it's wild out there hold on we were on to something Mandela effect the bear shit bear shit we were cooking and then I cut you off and brought it back to paper town huh powder a powder oh yeah did that movie was that good I don't think it was no trash there was a weird like 12 seconds in Hollywood where they had like a supernatural guys powder phenomenon Michael Michael yeah the other one yeah there was a couple where we we out of the 90s I think we're a little stale so people just had to have a guy who could

levitate Chuck could you check out powder and German show releases I think they were 98s okay summer 98 type of deal I went and saw Beverly Hillbillies in the theater not proud of it it was nothing else showing or nothing the tickets were all sold and I bumped into a friend of the theater goes what do you see and I go Beverly Hillbillies and he goes who and I go what do you see he goes dumb and dumber I was like oh yeah I saw dumb and dumber in the theater at the theater when you're a kid back in the day you saw everything every weekend that's what you did and it was great I went to the movies the other day I saw

Pearl which is I was very excited that's the sequel to X which I saw the poster over here Pearl X X was the poor that we got the poster that someone gave me oh X that's my favorite movie of the year and then Pearl is the sequel very different vibe this is about the the cute little girl was slashing people in the cornfields yes yeah yes out in the cornfields yeah she's something she's very attractive to me you put anybody in a naked film you really just like whoa so that's the new vibe now is like we got to have women killing people women king women hurting pro women yes a lot of women it's all very subtly woke even the

horror movies every horror movie I've seen has a real awokeness to it oh you saw Barbarian I did yes awesome yeah full full episode of Joe and Rana but yeah that also very fun liked it but a lot of if you really peer in there there's some quite PC under toes which is fine I just might say I'm like if you're gonna do it make it entertaining and fun oh sure so it's not just like alright I get it yeah it's still a movie here we got to have a good time with the popcorn this one you have to look a little bit and be like I see what's going on here aha what a weird why do we have to put that in I don't get it is

it just part of the times we're living in is it is it a mandate well I think you want to date I think you want to say something about the things and I think it doesn't hurt to get your green light that's what it is I don't know but you know but also maybe that's just what I don't want to be so cynical maybe that's just what they wanted to make a film about sure sure what just seems a little odd that it's all happening at the same time every film that's my thing isn't art supposed to go the other way let's go the other way with it I just said this last night I was like you know what they should make is like a horror movie of

like a guy who's just been shit on and canceled and then he's just murdering everyone like indiscriminately or something son of Sam yeah what I got that too well I mean like that's the guy he's an angry whitey who's freaking out right oh boy Truman show is 98 powder 95 oh powder was 95 what am I thinking that what else came out in are you sure what else came out in 98 around Truman show give me some of those info 98 let's see is this a full repeat we have all this dialogue already I don't remember the powder thing now right maybe it wasn't powder it was something though I remember it being like oh god you had to see

powder was it June 5th oh June 5th 1998 oh Mr. Alan's Opus oh I saw that in the theater man my theater earlier I saw Ernest goes to jail and my friend saw Roger Rabbit I was like I got to get some better parents here child abuse all right that week was a Truman show okay perfect murder these are this is the the top movies that week okay Godzilla 98 yeah hope floats deep impact the horse whisperer Bullworth oh this is horrific Titanic I get the hook up Titanic that was 97 yeah 97 Titanic premiered in 97 maybe it was a re-release that weekend or something kept going but it was a phenomenon

I'm out of six months but definitely came out in 97 right it was it was number eight that weekend 98 seven private Ryan came out a little bit later that was Shakespeare in love no save about Ryan was 98 Shakespeare in love those are the two big best picture who's gonna win there's also almost heroes which I love with Matthew Perry oh yeah I'm Harley's last movie so good Everest fear and loathing in Las Vegas nothing like powder sliding doors wow yeah yuck rough year maybe I have the other movie wrong maybe 95 we were all seeing Braveheart and someone saw powder haha oh I got a sneeze I don't see anything similar let it up

Jesus in heaven almighty yeah my dad has the worst knees you hear that sneeze down the street oh what is it about fatherhood that makes you I don't know I only have two kids so I shouldn't be that crazy two kids is us is what's the word some standard but the wedding is getting so close by the way I got a book of flight I haven't done anything I haven't booked a hotel or a flight is there anything happening should I do something you know I'm gonna end up room it with Chuck yeah bunk up well I got a wife you know two requests for bunking already oh okay stop Rose hit me up Sam here there we coming baby I

think Ari's getting a big big mansion he's gonna go full seersucker mint Julep oh wow yeah I haven't made any plan I gotta start cooking where we wearing suits I wear my Ted Baker lose weight it's the best month in New Orleans it's the only good months November oh okay we're getting the hurricanes out now kill all the minorities and whatnot and the poor people and then boom November this is gonna be a 48 minute but yeah I can't wait I'm getting excited cuz you know you there's something that's exciting but you don't want to think too much about it because it builds it up so then you

don't think about it all of a sudden it's close and you're like holy shit it's almost time I'm trying not to think about it I'll tell you that oh I can't wait there's a bands we're gonna dance a little we got the best band in Nola they play for the Saints no kidding yeah yeah they weren't cheap wow and physically they play for the same yeah yeah there's quarterback Patrick Swilling and Drew Breeze yeah yeah Ricky Williams the other guy and then the the mansion is beautiful it's in the French Quarter it's gonna be a humdinger it's all party there's no religion no religion to yes I can't wait possessions it's gonna be

great whoa that's gonna be fun Chuck you're going all right I'm gonna be able to make it you bring in a date no date no day oh you gotta be unfettered you get me the lady there maybe I asked you if made a sister she does yeah yeah she's pregnant oh but I know you like I like that yeah yeah maybe diarrhea all right let's let's let's get going where are we doing we got all I got a couple notes there oh should we talk about the the photography thing that was quite fun oh the tennis we did a tennis anyone we did a big photo shoot with old Salicus so racket magazine I don't know if we're supposed to be talking about racket

magazine but no one's heard of it but they love Seinfeld they know we love Seinfeld so they hit up Sally and they said could we get a couple comics to recreate the tennis episode of Seinfeld yes and so we got Kramer here we got Kramer we got Jerry we got Stavros is George and we went out to the Bronx and hit the tennis courts and did it up and who was the Elaine lady she was quite Chanel quite a quite something Chanel Dennis she was great fantastic yeah that was great fun it was one of these things you're just dreading like oh god Salicus to do something yes it requires the daytime you know

Kyle we don't want to do anything in the day no which by the way originally we're gonna be at the US open that was the original cell was like hey we'll get to go to the US open and I was like hey great and then we ended up going to the Bronx yeah that closed it's not like public park in the Bronx but whatever it was fun it was a Columbia tennis practice going on did you get a sniff of that by the way no I said yeah but you had your wife there I didn't think the kids were that good but I had to be like hey see the other courts yeah that's a whole thing is talking about hot ladies in front of your friend's lady you got a

real you got to go real code there well you know what I think I did this is a bit years ago but you have to say this I think you'd look good in that outfit that's the way you say this woman's hot right now that outfit that's you that's my way of pointing to be like I really want to eat this woman's beaver right right yeah well let's play too that's a great call but yeah we went up there and it was one of those things too which you know you've been known to bail on a couple things you know I get this feeling I'm like looking at the calendar being like photo shoot with Salak use in the Bronx no money what are you

kidding I know it crossed my mind and I was like Sally what are we getting paid for this he's like I got doughnuts like yeah and fucking 2023 US open tickets if you ask me yeah that was thrown around it was tossed it was like it was squirming at home right now it was served but yeah yeah I didn't I didn't love it but but then so then I had to text you he's like it stavros is in and Norman's and I'm like there's no way these two are going yeah so I had to text both these the night before being like you go into this thing and you both were like I don't want to it's horrible yeah he saw me fucking is a child he's got blackmailing me he

asked another friend of ours who chewed him out for even asking it was it was it was a heated situation folks it was tricky and slippery but I took the lift up there and as soon as I saw your big face and stavros his asshole I really got excited and you got a hand at the salad he got a makeup no makeup he got a wardrobe lady he got another guy he had see had food there you get your smoothie we had sandwiches and it was a beautiful day but it's just that morning when you're like oh we got to go do something I want to sit on this couch I'm in pajamas I got half a boner got crusted my eye and I got to get up to the Bronx

any obligation is brutal and you just always hoping somebody cancels the day of you like it's raining yes I love a cancel but then it also it all worked out it was great and stavros it's just so nice we don't see anybody we're too busy we're running around so it's good to do this it's funny to think back in the 80s when we were young comics we would just film shit all day we would hang out all day shoot the shit we had no money I have all I have like a eight videos on YouTube they're all horrible but they're little sketches we did I know we gotta we gotta we should be making more stuff and Chuck we did the

give it a goog on patreon which is blowing up by the way oh yeah oh really some old lipped yeah we watched some old shit of you barking y'all you can see mark barking yeah bark Norman it was like the biggest it was the biggest like splash for a new thing we did since the original hot case that's I think I like seeing other people uncomfortable hot ones that eat the wings they shit fire that's all it is just seeing Paul Rudd going yeah brutal people like seeing everybody on couple we're watching in hot gay sets or whatever like this it's brutal it's it's horrible get on there it was the biggest splash since Chuck fell

in a pool folks but any jazz boy what a great time they're coming out and I the magazine comes out every six years I think so it'll be out in 2028 one of us open tickets from Salak use by the time it comes out the whole thing's a racket but I gotta tell you he sent me a couple of snippets last night oh really I was jizzing I mean we really looked the part it's beautiful fun and Salak uses a true artist well you forget hey you keep trying to direct six gay porn's how about you stick to photography you're one true love you're your first art yes your skill he's great that and telling people they brought uninvited

guests party oh we call him what is it we call him a bud in ski meaning like he'll see a guy taking apart a city bike and I'll go I'll handle this like Salak use that guy's deranged he's naked he's don't go talk to him he's hairy and ashy and he's like I got it we're like all right he'll go up to a guy and go that's not your property sir and we're all like what are you crazy we're behind a wall like what are you not with this guy's never been in a fight in his life I mean I can see him he's four six he's got male pattern baldness he's got a flaky white mustache he looks like an old gunslinger minus the gun he's wide

he dressed he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and baggy pants with a tool belt but he's got a he's got a shank on him the size of Gibraltar this thing is is no joke oh well I told you the story knife you know he's a Brooklyn guy I told you the time we went he's like well we'll shoot some photography I have a lot of interest in photography starting an Instagram Joe list photography just so I can post photos do it oh do it I love posting the photos for followers but do it oh I'll get a thousand all right a thousand so I went out to shoot street photography which is not I enjoy but I don't want to shoot it I'm like I'm you

know me same old jeep but I've been low-key I'm terrified of these folks on the street and he goes you don't have to worry he's like I've been shooting street photography for 50 years I swear to God this is something I'm telling a bit yeah he's like I've been doing it for 40 years never had a problem this is what I do for a living and I'm like okay and I'm like I'm shaking in my boots and he goes oh and here's your mace he hands me and I go what he goes yeah just in case you need it I've only needed it twice I'm like you just told me I didn't need any mace I don't have to worry about it but as a native New Yorker that

ain't anything that's a scuffle is just it's like getting a bacon a bacon cheese in the morning there's nothing to it it's normal mace I mean to bed and macing something oh my god hit him right in the eyes Jesus it's terrifying but anyway so we love your salad cues and what a what a shoot and him and I're about to shoot a little something hopefully not a school yeah but yeah he he also looks a little scruffy like so he's unassuming you see him if you see a guy like you you're a tall cup of jizz you know you got a haircut and you're doing this it almost looks a little insulting he's out there he's even with him yeah oh yeah

they're on the same page it's like a goblin well they don't like my face these folks out there the tall if it's the glasses yeah well Bill Burrow as you say I got howdy-duty face like I got mug me face yes you might have a little of that yeah maybe I got that maybe it's the teeth or the herpes or the mug you know mug Costanza yes so great shoot fun shoot Sally was great got us food hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by you know who you know what I'm gonna say before I even say it you got that right sheath sheath underwear designed and invented created by US Army soldier and Tuesday Robert Patton

why I imagine I'll see it skankfest oh yeah had to be a way to better way to keep his dick from sticking to his leg and sheath was born look at those babies you see that big shield looking thing not a big dick they are great they have so many patterns Robert patterns you can have a pair ready for any occasion Thanksgiving New Year's Eve you buy mitzvah your divorce they didn't leave out the ladies either speaking of divorce sheath has boy shorts sports bras and bikini briefs right now folks this is our longest running sponsor we love go to sheath underwear dot com and order promo code with promo code twos gays to

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a good feeling I got my ubers reimbursed and and plus stuff paid for my own the way home and I didn't offer it to him so well he's loaded so I made a couple bucks but Salak use was great keep your eyes out for this racket magazine and check out racket magazine yeah did you take a peek there's a way you can really jerk off to some of the stuff in there it's one of those magazines where you're like how do you get money for this is this just like a Sampris donating a million a year I always wonder there was there's all these hip indie kind of rags and you're like this is high quality art who's paying no one buys this at a

newsstand you know what I see too is at Delta the Delta lounge they have director of photography cinematography magazine what's that eight people subscribe to that it's big and thick and I get it I'll breeze through it but I'm like how many cinematographers are there exactly yeah I don't know that's kooky that's very strange but any jizz so you've been traveling I've been traveling my mother's got a bloody gun and my father likes to eat it yeah we went dark on this one quick yeah well half of your stuff is getting nipped in the butt I'll tell you that I love a good snippet but it's out of the oils but yeah I got I got

a couple things let me just throw this at you and this is not anything travel wise this is a just a nice moment oh I love a nice moment okay so I'm pitching the show with this guy this guy hit me up big credentials big resume wow this guy's out there Jerry yeah and he hits me up and I go I gotta ask you we're working on this treatment we're working on a pilot and I go I gotta ask what you're a hot shot you're in TV you're you got like crazy you know Emmy this Emmy that Emmy Blotnick and I'm like what's going on he goes my kids like you so I want to work with you because I want to impress the kids and I go I knew

it was something I know you couldn't have liked me how old is this guy these kids that are at Norman Knights or whatever he's an old Jew he's be like he's like an Allen oh wow yeah Allen yeah 70s was it Carl Reiner come on give us some give us that big but he's you know I'm talking big bang fear young shell like real these aren't my cup of jizz but these are real you know high high octane shows here no one watches I can't wait to lie about seeing this program yeah so he hits me up we ride a whole thing I'm actually happy with it wow and but here's the clinker we you know we meet on zoom it's all an

obligation it's all hell and we're gonna what about this maybe he can say that and he's going it's a little dark and I eventually had to crack down and cuz when you don't need it what we're selling tickets when you don't need something you can actually push back right or with these suits you go yes sir I'll blow you whatever you want but now I'm like I'm pushing back on this cuz you hit me up right you know you want my input you want my POV to the victors go the spoils yes HPV so he's kind of you know he's like well put some jokes in this cuz he's so such a pro he'll write out a treatment and an arc

and an ending and he's like just put some jokes and I'm like great that's all I know how to do this is supposed to be cheesy and I sent them all the jokes and these are all jokes in my act that work and he's like we might have to cut this one this is a little dark that's a little heavy whatever and I'm like all right like I don't know what you want for me and he goes can you put some more try a different joke so I try a different joke I don't know if we want to touch on gay or whatever and I'm like these all work fatty so whatever kind of bummed out I thought we had some momentum he hates all my jokes I gotta call

it two in the morning on a Saturday I'm like well it's the guy it's the old Jew I go alone he goes I've been thinking I'm drinking whiskey I'm so sorry I cut your jokes what I hate he's like I'm the Hollywood guy now put all in let's go dark the whole point of the show yes and I couldn't believe what I was hearing that's what we're selling yes yes POV and the same old G and he he goes I was stifling you like this the whole point of the show is to push and here we are and I was stopping you from pushing good good so now it looks good it looks great it's funny we pitched it and they'd said no but the problem is he's

probably right he's probably right yeah because I you know this is what scared me we did a pitch on zoom which is already a nightmare horrible ball against a curtain and I'm looking at the zoom and it's three ladies who run this company and they all have the he her the she him in the in the mind I'm like we're fucked because the whole show is making fun of this world we're living in and right when I saw this she hers I was like we're out yeah you might have to go Gillis route just shoot it on your own make it on your own I by the way I can't wait for that it's probably out by the time I'm like a fanboy I'm gonna buy

that fucking thing oh dude he showed me some of the dailies it's it's insane I'm excited couple things I'm buying I'm buying the Bobby Kelly special and then I'm buying the Gilean cubes I'm a fan so mark my words Mark Norman my words that Gilean keys will be picked up by a major network because it's so well done if they want to be picked up though they might say hey this ship has sailed you dirty I hope they say that because fuck these queefs yeah so I'm excited about that and the show you remind this guy I mean I'm sure you already know he might want to pitch to CBS ABC because he's 100 years old yeah but tell me we got a

pitch to you know YouTube YouTube and fucking the what's the Trump network there OAN or SOPA network whatever the fucking America first oh I don't even know that what was the one there wasn't there a network that was like trying to be the new Fox they were like Fox News went soft work it's called like America's hard on really capital right I don't know well whatever it is I'm just saying pitch to some alternative things alternative medicine I alternative rock I'm down I'll try anything I don't know if I want to go Trump network but that was a joke okay okay you know grabbing by the pussies the name of the

show ironically but yeah it felt it was look I knew that nobody would buy it I knew it was too edgy I knew it was too far of a reach but when he said that that was a nice moment that was like we've been doing comedy for 800 years I've never had us an exact go I was wrong put the dark shit in fuck these pussies well I think this is this is gonna start to happen because everybody just goes where the money is where the success like Sarah was just look at the skank fest and she was like I can't believe this person's going to skank fest oh and that she's like in this person too and I'm like that's cuz they have they see

how everyone's kicking ass yes they go oh shit cuz only loaded sometimes these people they try to go well I'll do this cuz this is the way things are going and then all of a sudden times change they go oh shit yes that's why it's always good to just stay true stay true to you stay true to you because and the old Jew yes yes hubble a boo because it all swings but if you stay in the middle you'll hit the swing at some point the swing will hit you the swing sex swing swing or upside-down pineapple ah swing state that's something so yeah that was just vote that was a nice moment in show biz and look obviously didn't go

anywhere we still didn't sell the show the guy wrote me like a long apologies a great guy but that was a win to me that's better than I don't want the show that's a lot of work now you don't want to show no he asked me at one point he goes do you even want to do this cuz I kept slacking and I was like I don't want to do anything yeah but I'll do it I don't want to do it but I will do it well that's the hard thing is you have to really want to do a show you have to be your goal your dream because otherwise oftentimes now you get to a point you're selling a lot of tickets like you lose money doing a show you're like I'm

sitting here on set making a sag base rate and you're not gonna be at the Oregon funny bone making seven million dollars yeah and the show is never as funny as it could be anyway you got 12 guys holding lattes going I don't know about that one he's not really that likable mmm that Hitler character he's a little much right so I know Malaney show Malaney's the best and think of his show it's crazy there you go sorry but hurt thing I heard things yeah once you get down the or up the chain you keep going like oh the they bought it oh we're gonna make it what you keep going up though there's more and more people

going hey hey quick it up this sucks lower that his dick's too big whatever it is so yeah the more up the chain it goes the more notes you get yeah a lot of notes I saw somebody had a meme and it was a pizza with a chicken on it a piece of cake a pepperoni a drumstick an ice cream cone and they said this is what happens when you try to make something art by committee or so everybody's got their you know their input and it fucks up the pizza yeah this is the show did you watch Sarah Schaefer's thing about selling a show no oh it's brilliant really it's one of the best things of everyone's ever made oh really yeah I

was I think it was during COVID so it's just like on zoot it's just her talking to camera and she was like here's the process of making a show and she does all this it's I can't do it just oh well yeah she's funny quite a sight to see highly recommend I'll check it out the 11 people that care about this but yeah yeah exactly very funny but a nice win yes all right I'm hogging well what do you got there for no hog well I didn't get to talk about this a month ago whenever when I was in gig harbor I don't think I talked about it gig Seattle so I went out to gig harbor to see the the family a family and that was a funny

note by the way every once in a while Chuck's good for something you know we gotta have I know people will get upset but you gotta have a camera on Chuck within the corner I just agree so you make that thing and Chuck is making quite a face it's a very good face it's like this subtle yeah a nice subtle I hate you got very genuine but any jizz I was out in gig harbor and you know Derek and I my best pal Derek we used to be tight this the two of us thick as thieves you see is thick but then I got a wife yeah I like you bring in the wife and then that becomes one of your close friends then he pops out a kid so you go okay

well I guess this is my niece great she's fun when you pretend then he got a kid that he's like we named it after you and then you got a really pretend to like this piece so it's a lot of pretending to like people it's a lot of work yeah exhausting so you gotta go oh my god the kids they spilt milk on my pants that's fun right right but you want that bro time of course you got there for you really want to bro it up and meanwhile now he works like a dog because he's got a house and two dogs that I ate and then two kids that I love but it's fun bit so he's got to work his ass off so when I go out there the kids are in school he's

working I'm hanging out with his wife like two to one oh it's twice as much wife time well he's works he's got a job you see can't you go to work so he's in the house she's fun okay okay yeah yeah yeah so he's in there clacking and typing and he's like I can't get out of here right you might just hate us I'm just picturing a stack of files up to here he's like I'm kid I'm swapped I know but do you ever think that your friends don't like you anymore they're just stuck with you do you ever have that all the time like sometimes I think I'm just flying out here I'm like I'll be back two weeks I think they're like

Jesus I'm out there and I'm like I don't think he likes me I think the way I think he likes me the fourth most of this whole house right the dogs I kick whatever I can yeah that's rough kick the kids so I go let's have some it's like Kramer in a lane he's like of course we have our thing here but let's have some so I got we got to sink our teeth and do like a good pal yeah so I buy tickets to the University of Washington Huskies football game okay there in Seattle gotcha which by the way I went to the basketball game what years ago probably during the history of the pod and they were two tags they had like

a baby you go they made me go by myself he's Husky I think you're always gonna regret not doing things always you got to go do it years later you're like I went to a college basketball game you're like oh I stayed home I've no memory I don't know exactly and it takes a little bit over that hump but it's better the hump so glad I went to Charlottesville love to hump so jeez that's the fourth one oh man this is bad that one can stay but the rest the rest are going they jokes so so anyways I didn't actually go to Charlottesville we were together that weekend I can vouch we were all hanging out you me and Chris

Allen that's right that's right we were in Ferguson it was the week before the wedding my wedding aha those are better days whoo my only goal is for my marriage to last until your marriage you don't want to get divorced before you're married oh well you got a month you can do it we're gonna be married together buddy yeah we packed you put my hand out so I shook it your hand fuck anyways so you're playing with dare I booked the tickets but we have this with you now the website to book the tickets is go huskies.com so now I try to type in Google I type in Gio and then I hit enter because that's good and it takes

me to go husky every day I'm on go huskies I thought you're gonna say Google or something so you're on today baby so we go up to the football I booked the tickets and he can tell that he's like this oh my god and I'm like talking to his wife I'm like he's dreading it isn't this she's like I think he is I don't like football he likes football but it's the same thing we're talking about it's a thing it's a thing to do which takes effort and he works 300 hours a week he's always traveling he hates his family so it's like that's Saturday you crave you just want to sit in the backyard that's it

and you gotta think it's like okay so gig harbors an hour from Seattle worst traffic in the nation this little area so he's like I gotta get up at noon I gotta drive up there an hour we got to find parking and it's a four-hour game to 65,000 people yep yep and so I was one of those things wrong like it's gotta be fun yes and of course we're like well hit the titty bar I'll go to the strip club now you're throwing some other stuff in to spice up the deal you got to spice up the deal so I convinced him he takes some convincing he's excited he pretends we drive up there we're just sitting in traffic and as

soon as you're in traffic you're like yeah this sucks I don't even care it's like swingers we like Vegas and then you're like yeah Vegas yeah exactly but we get up there and yeah you know me I love college football and they claim this is like Seattle UW's thing the best atmosphere in college football oh really yeah cuz it's right on the water it's green so we get there and it's a spectacle it's spectacular and you can feel everybody coming in everyone's in the dumb purple horseshit yes and so we're like we'll do some tailgating he's a dad he's got the whole setup oh you see you bring all the goods he's got

the little tiny hibachi grill he's holding chairs you got the cooler I got the cigars oh boy so we get up there and you just want to be partisan now do you have this feeling in your life I always feel like I'm close to but not in the the right place to be like everyone's like you're at a party and you're like oh there's a Bob and Chuck and Chuck sorry not Chuck but that's gonna be insulting it's Bob and Steve and Bill I like those guys hey guy and then you hang out with them for a couple hours and then you're like time to leave and you walk into that the dining room and you're like what this is where the party

Jimmy and Bill and Chuck are in here everyone there's a bunch of women blowing everyone you're like I was having a nice time I was in the other room with the fish tank and then the lava lamp yes I was playing trivial pursuit I was like barely fun I didn't really and everyone's like where you been I was playing scrabble with the retard I feel it's at every festival I ever go to I'm like I'm gonna go check out you know I'm gonna go see Greg Rogel set right and then everyone's like watch a pal showed up he gave everyone a thousand bucks and you're like what are you kidding this is called FOMO it's like it's like FOMO but

it's like you you're you're close no FOMO yeah you're close you're even closer proximity and you were just a little off so I have that feeling so we get to this but we're driving around looking for the parking lot the big party because you know college football it's like everybody's got RVs it's insane it's the best thing in the world you're from the south sure rise again so we go down there and we find this like little bitty parking lot and we're like this as like 12 there's a couple people tailgating it's like seven people we drive past it we look around we get in traffic and then we're like fuck let's just go back to

the other place we'll make our own fun oh that shit so we park oh boy just a little cement slab we put the little Hibachi it's this high up there's photos on my Instagram we're sitting I'm sitting like this you know and we got the grill we're like this one old guy was like where are you guys from and we're like oh great whatever first game okay and I'm smoking a cigar so we kind of like I got a cigar we got chips he's not relax he's like should we go over there should we get something I'm like that just sit down right he has a couple beers I have a cigar great few people playing beer pong over there but like all right

little guy having a pass over there we didn't bring a football I mean tailgating is amazing when it's when it's cooking there's nothing better than tailgating but when it's a little trickle of a tailgate it's kind of sad exactly we're just two 40 year old guys sitting on lawn chairs in the cement you know what it feels like it feels like the beginning of a beer commercial where everybody's like flipping a burger in black and white and somebody throws your cores and you go and then the whole thing changes the hot girls and bikinis and there's a slip and slide and a donkey and a midget yes so we go like this

so we sit there for about 45 minutes nice we're having a nice time good talk of course we're like taking photos to post like we're having a great time you know he you know he hates his kids I miss his wife so we're just sitting there okay this is fun couple chuckles and then we go all right well we might as well go we'll go down the game early because I don't want to get there in the crowd we'll get there early we'll get our seats we're gonna snap we're gonna go to this merch store and get some shit because you want to be decked out because it's fun all right all right so we'll head down there early we pack up our

lawn chairs we walk through we go down a thing we just follow the crowd to the game oh boy and then you just hear just this roar and we're like right away we're like fuck we're in the wrong place we come down we come to the woods all thick woods and like a movie you come out yeah it's on campus a beautiful camp oh wow you come through the trees and it's just this roar and you hear music and a band and loud and you just see a sea of purple 20,000 people and there's like footballs flying there's fireworks the grill you see burgers a bonfire everybody's down there like sucking on tits and eating each other

out and I'm like we were right up there we were upstairs hanging out with Chuck and Sallacuse and like Scorsese and the Coins are down here the bottom of the barrel it's just like fuck and so you just have that feeling of like well whatever we had fun we had fun we had to do that thing yeah yeah and it was his day off and you you were like we're gonna have fun we're gonna have a great time imagine you were there the whole time instead of with the B squad I know we would have made friends and it reminded me years ago we went to a Jimmy Buffett concert in Anaheim we just had the time of our lives we saw tits we

hooked up we took shits on each other's faces banged up Hawaiian the whole thing we made all kinds of friends but anyways it was still great and when we walk past we're like ah we missed it whatever but we bought some gear it was fun we sat up in the upper deck and we just had a great time great ball game Saturday night ESPN UW1 and you could she sit up there like we got to take the whole family here because you want to get away from the family and then you're there you're like God the family would love this so it was great great fun but we were so close to the big party did you get a taste of it did you pop it and steal a

hot dog and licking ass we just kind of walk through and because you do you want to be part of the big thing you want to be in it yeah you want to throw that cornhole and crack a beer and have a burger and high-five some guys and a good old-fashioned debate you know who's the best of all are you kidding me if he played this time he wouldn't know anything exactly exactly but still great and then of course after the game we leave we get out of traffic and we're like it's exactly the Vegas we're like titty bar yeah we should go to any like this well we don't want to go to downtown Seattle to be hard right then you get to

like we'll go to the one in Tacoma and then you get to Tacoma and you're like I'm pretty tired I'm like I'm starving yeah and then you're like well the kids are probably still up yeah yeah we'll go through the kid I'm old I get it I get it kids greater than tits yeah I don't know about that one well kids love tits too that's how they eat but it's just tough because everything comes with a lot of extra shit you got to drive you got to park you got to find food you gotta get a ticket you ticket stamp you got to wait in line you got to find your seats and then you got to leave you got to pack up your shit you got to put in

the van it's it's so much extra shit the traffic you gotta figure out how much is worth I understand I became the thing I loathed I still you know do all the stuff Jewish but you know when you're when you're young you're like how about these people that leave the game early how about these people that they they fucking they show up late they do that and then you get older you're like let's beat the traffic I know it happens it's a young man's game yeah but still a great great fun and great fun with the family solo fun and I can't wait to go I'll be back there next week you're you're needed you need the guy to push the other

guy that's a good quality because now he can have that memory forever and you don't think about the pack it up the van in two years yes you think about the rush and the game and the hooting and the hollering and even the traffic you look back fondly right remember how crazy the trip oh I was dying that was brutal you had to piss and I was drunk oh my god oh yeah yeah it all it's all pipes it's all pipes let me just I don't know how we're looking here we got time and finally Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by first person I would love to wake up every morning with zero brain fog a clear mind and the energy of

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these products are not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any disease but they'll make you feel better sleep better and focus better so get on it okay let me throw San Jose right in your pooper please so San Jose all weekend great club you've been there no I've been to San Jose and I got raw but I never did the club I don't know about the city itself it's a little dicey I mean it's one of those where I would we get drunk in the green room every night and then the lady with the manager would be like you're not walking home I'm like that's five minutes she's like I'm driving you oh yeah it's a real shank

town yes can shanks for the memories so we got drunk every night on Azul give that a good blue class a Azul this is the best tequila okay that means blue in Spanish yeah I think so so I guess it's like blue class or blue something but we got hammered every night in the green room and they were hooking it up with this casa class a Azul it's like this tall it's got a bell on the top you go ping and then you take a shot wow it's very fun but if you sell out shows they treat you like a king of course it's crazy I'll see someday oh you'll be there and it's got a bell a lot of gays came out great time great weather I mean it's

right up there by San France it was like 70 degrees every day flew an SFO I am all over that lounge by the way all the lounge is the best lifesaver Sarah said the other day she's I'm never happier than when I'm in the Delta lounge the same way I land and go to the lounge oh I've heard of that they don't like it but I'm doing it yeah you got a free meal up there you get a free meal you get a coffee and now you're off to the club so it's kind of it works out so San Jose killer every show is great a little bit of a little bit of this shit out there you know it's not exactly like they're great it's one of those towns like they just

go out they do stuff they party a lot of heckling a lot of hooting and holler and a lot of it's all pipes all right all right let me do the act yeah but at some point we sold out all our shows Sebastian was at the Civic Center he sold out eight million tickets and then Kevin Hart was at the do ha ha or whatever that sold out so it's like the big three the big three everything was packed everything was great but my point is these shows were rowdy they were raucous there's a balcony in there and at one point I'm doing the merch after selling merch Hawkins shirts comedy taking photos and this lady walks by very attractive fit

woman we'll say and she just goes oh man did I go yeah yeah wow she you know she's walking out as I'm taking a photo and she just goes it's the most the hottest thing I've ever seen whoa perfect boob she was pretty and two tits wow a pair count them yeah quite a set we both had good sets and she's leaving and somebody they tag in these photos you know the the guy go hey so Norman and I you know and then there's a photo of me going I'm looking off to the left with this guy this little Chinese girl my arm it was insane of course I had a Googler and then I found her and I'm just looking at all her crossfit photos holy shit but

unreal I mean you forget about the flash the art of the flash not not the cartoon character of the comic book guy I'm talking about that this was a thing yes I love the girls gone wild yeah I mean that's the great that's the greatest thing sometimes they do this way they go up to the one they do too I mean I love a flash yeah of a flash it's always the one not always but often it's the ones that you don't want to see their tits though I know they're like biker or flash it looks like you know Chuck shirtless it's not great a lot of hair the swastika yeah bad news but these were a okay I mean they were d okay but they were great

and don't and man it was it was a treat and it's the difference between men and women right there guy flashes woman needs therapy she calls the police woman flashes I'm like on cloud 12 yeah that's a great cloud hell yeah if you're at home I mean I'm in Syracuse this weekend I want to see those tits but let's start to think Chipotle cards buy a shirt how about a flat yeah but I mean yeah Denver Madison I'll see those Syracuse tits they're gonna be all orange and yeah yeah yeah that's no good but you know what an upstate tit but wow I mean that titty I haven't seen a titty since 1985 I got too sleepy to go to the titty bar

so it's amazing the joy they bring like I know these late my back hurts I gotta wear a bra I want to take the bra off at the end of the day I get it kids are chewing on them your nipples are gnarled up but boy it's just a it's a gift it's it gets a gift and it really lifts the spirits yes yes lift boob lift over over exciting yeah so that was fun and shows were great but I gotta stop doing these 6 a.m. Sunday because I want to get back with a little daylight in New York I did the same thing I just did it and it's rough believe me I did came from Detroit and no sleep you're on like 90 minutes sleep it's that sleep where

alarm goes off and you go like this yes yes like your heart it's like you did blow right I can't and yesterday we had a nice day the neighbors all came over very fun but then I'm like we'll watch a movie after the football game and like ten minutes in I'm like my grandfather I'm just my head is bobbing like a child I know I know it's tough but you just want to get back and but the problem is okay the alarm's gonna go off at 4 30 it's 2 a.m. and I've been drinking for four days in a row parting every night till 5 yeah now I'm up at 2 going just laying bed you're like if I fall asleep now I get two and a half fall asleep now

I'll get two well I'll sleep now get one and a half so you end up getting like an hour of sleep but it's still worth to take the early flight I think because if you take the later flight you're still not sleeping great and then you leave at 11 a.m. you're home at 3 p.m. or whatever you're losing half the day yeah yeah especially from West Coast yeah I got home at 5 then you got to take an uber now at 6 and you get home at 6 20 these people that would work the road from the West I mean I legitimately think about moving to Washington I just love it there but you're like you can't work the road the road at three hours

as a kind you have to live the night before it's horrible horrible but you suck it up you make it work and it's like we said before you're not gonna look back and go I was tired that day you're gonna go hey San Jose was awesome yeah it's brutal but great time lounge got bumped up to first class or one of the flights which is it really is a treat it's a treat I'll tell you that for the first day cuz when I fly with Sarah she just pulls me down she's got like dead bark status it's a bad status yeah and so I don't get the upgrade so we were in like row 27 oh and I was like the seat is like on my knee upgraded so much right

right like sitting like this I'm like I don't know how I ever did this whoa wait she's pulling you down why can't you you can't take first without her because I buy the tickets together together you become like a unit so I'm like seventh for upgrade cuz I got I got this son of an onion fucking holding me back don't you wish you get credit for that you know you get credit for buying the meal or protecting her but how about like hey I'm slumming it with you yeah I love you well I just have free check so I'll get to the airport I go I'll see in there I gotta draw the line somewhere see an hell yeah you're in the

gulag but the problem is even that's not great cuz I gotta wait for her to get in the lounge so even though security quick then I'm just standing there twiddling my asshole and you can't go to the lounge guy hey if you see an old bro I'd let her in exactly I have to come back downstairs so I think I'll get divorced probably soon I don't know a couple minutes from now sounds fair that'll hold up shooter of text yeah from the lounge so wait a minute do you have enough lounge points like how do you get a guest in I paid for the lounge plus guest wow 800 bucks oh I really think you got to do some more squats or some

kegels yeah yeah anal kegel yeah why they're they need a but word for kegel beagle that's not like a beagle like you fucking fell on it that was a great uh Soder said Nate Bargazzi sounds like a beagle who's just listening to the radio oh he had a joke about Nate being a beagle I can't remember it oh that's fun it was at the roast it was funny have butchering it sorry Soder now we gotta do another roast those roasts are fun well with the friends it's a great time it was a cutie that was like a chihuahua that was like a little like a little fiat beep beep but yeah I mean it's worth it to me it was like 800 bucks

for the year plus one though and you think about all the meals you eat I fly every weekend me plus another eating breakfast at the airport it would be like 45 bucks every time totally but the lounge when a crowded lounge is almost a bummer like what am I paying for yeah it's just it's a food's free the food's free the coffee's free the booze is free but it's just that weird thing where everybody's a little nicer in the lounge because a they're like upper crusty kind of people who have you know they're not just fist fighting on a greyhound these are lounge people but the problem I'm having now at the lounge I'm white

trash so I go to the lounge they assume you have money because you're in the lounge so every meal now is like salmon drizzled with kids and like I don't want this I want a cheeseburger right pizza cheeseburger I was just talking about this the first class when you get bumped up they email you what meal do you want so in my head I'm like I want them all oh my god I'm picking a meal who am I Rockefeller and then it's three cheese fatata yes gluten free whatever and then it's like the impossible anal and then it's like a kale quiff and I'm like I don't want any of this give me a fucking burger lasagna

something I can stick my dick into every single place I talk about this constantly because I'm a basic bitch but everything that I like people give me shit about my diet but I'm like but everybody likes what I love burger if you came out of first class with cheese pizza every person would be like yes that's the classic spaghetti and just have spaghetti marinara and meatballs at the lounge all day have the salmon and the bacon and the whatever bullshit just give me some spaghetti I agree and I had this thing once on first class where you know it's 12 of us up there whatever and they go we got a chicken sandwich we

got a twig twig labia and then we got a midget ear or whatever you're like all right give me the chicken sandwich they ran out they ran up cuz everyone got it I know but the third guy they were like we're out of chicken you got to have the midget ear exactly and now Vita can't hear can't hear Vita yeah give me a chicken parm shove it in my ass but by the way everyone's gonna hate us because we're just complaining about I know I know but we're saying we're trash we're bringing bring the trash element to the first yes give the garbage people what they need occasionally even the losers get lucky sometimes yeah plenty of

garbage in the lounge give me the guy they should have just called the garbage option you know you want do you want the highfalutin you want the gluten-free or do you want the garbage give me the garbage yes a trash compactor yes this would be a good podcast figure out if you're garbage or not somebody should do that kind of bring people in you ask him certain foods they may or may not like and then you label them garbage or not I'll get really fat you be the other guy and then he'll get fat is he fat bleat the fifth all right check out that podcast right we got to

wrap it up all right I feel like picked up oh my god the last 10 were gold the first 50 were you know love it 10 year old clan meeting but well I will make some adjustments in the post yes yes New York post I got some dates oh what do I keep not pluggy dates I got raisins which by the way when you hear a date tell tell some friends because every time I leave a town they're like hey when you come to Denver I'm like I'm fucking on the airplane flight right now started what what does this come out there check check next Tuesday 10 11 excuse me the I'm at Skankfest this weekend see those are already bought

sold and thrown around be back in LA nothing to see there I'm just doing spots at the improv but then November Hartford funny bone November 4th and 5th and God I got a light November then the wedding and then some other shit why don't you get on some pods in LA oh I'm going baby that's what I'm doing December 8 9th and 10th Madison Wisconsin that's a big one December 8th through the 10th Madison fill that up for God's sakes you know how much I love it it's been a while to stop in there that'll sell out sincere life that was a better showing yeah solid oh my oh Insta stink Omaha funny bone

December 16th and 17 that date got moved so it's it's then and then February I think it's 8 through 10 or something like that Denver comedy works those tickets are on sale now so get the Denver tickets those are gonna sell Madison there's like seven markets I sell in and Denver is one of them so is Madison so get those tickets Hartford's not one so get them the day of the show I think I got some baby super glue or something to diaper problems happening and then go subscribe to the YouTube the best thing you can do for me right now is subscribe to that YouTube I got a bunch of short sketches things coming out

there's a ton on there my YouTube goes back for years there's shit all over the place oh yeah and I'm gonna put another special out on there at some point next year and check out the old special tell some friends give it a goog hey I'm at the Orlando improv baby let's sell that puppy out Rococo theater and I think that's in Pittsburgh the Anglert theater pantages in Minneapolis Neptune in Seattle a revolution hall in Portland funny bone Albany the Wilbur Wilbur Fillmore and Philly New Haven I'm at Houston one night only at the secret group and New Orleans couple other ones check it out go gay fuck you dad watch specials

get on the patreon patreon is moving baby it is cooking it's twitching it's humming so Chuck's got ideas we got give it a goog we got hot gay sets we got Cleaf it up or whatever so check it out crazy check you want to add something you look at your answer must cleave TV Seinfeld and curb commentary yeah crazy this summer stuff it's all organized now Chuck's got all the ideas we have all the talent yeah check it out he's drinking baby shit appreciate you Chuck thanks for listening braze I'll uh see you in hell