Tuesdays with Stories! - #475 Orlando Calrissian

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

The guys talk airline lounges and Joe lives his rock star dreams!    Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Try Blue Chew for free at http://www.bluechew.com/TUESDAYS  SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are folks new studio not new I mean new to us but we're not we're not making a commitment yet yes we're just fucking other people yeah yeah that's right we're having an affair yeah we're fucking other

studios yeah that's fun yeah it's nice to be inside of a new thing it's very exciting this one is also an office building but there that's empty over there I got the scoops thank God that one's empty and this one they're paraplegic or something oh well they can't get up we'll just put a broomstick in the wheels and these are some real curtains here look at this yeah looks like my ex folks big meaty black curtains yes I don't mind a curtain I don't mind a big flappy beefy thing as long as it's nice and hot inside hot usually is pretty warm in there I've never met a cold clam my buddy Tom

Dustin our friend had sex the woman he claims at least that he's fucked it late it was like a slush puppy in there is that right it was a chili puss and the cartoon character chili puss I mean it's pretty fast and he's like I've never had that happen before it was nice and and chili I don't know you know you don't you want a box not a nice box you know yeah I mean I don't know the sign and you know you tell tall tales so I don't know the exact accuracy I wish I could just pop in this gal just to really experience it but the warmth is the part of the joy it's like a pancake once it gets cold it's it's different that's

right pussies like pancakes there's a t-shirt yeah I like to stack them nice stack of guns gun stack that's my website but a good blog on there if I put my feet here will they be able to see my face okay great well I like the red shoes but yeah the cold cut cuz even if a cunt is a room temp it's it's different there's always warm yeah you want to be like hot not like piping oh no that'll burn you but yeah you want a little warmth but chili it makes sense because I feel like women's stomach is cold their butts are cold their thighs are cold their feet are cold their hands are always cold why wouldn't the veg be cold their

hearts are cold but I don't have no visual of you I have to like peek through the thing here I kind of like it oh really it's nice for me I don't see that mug that's a little hurtful but you know and it's a nice mug yeah yours is okay all right I'll take it boy we are really down to it with this wedding what are you doing we're trying to do a comedy show here you're bringing up the sad thing it's like next week right no it's one more week two weeks two weeks better I arrive in New Orleans two weeks from today maybe we'll get hit by a meteor a comet a terrorist 9-11 again COVID maybe I booked a hotel that nice

wow I don't want to say because people show up you know me a lot of panty terrors out there sure sure but New Orleans is not a comedy town I walk around New York comedy hey Tuesday hey queef and then I walk around New Orleans hey and that's my dad well I got a hotel that you recommended in the email somebody put out an email was that right Chuck found all the emails and shipped them over good job Chuckie so I booked a nice one it's quaint it used to be you know a warehouse or something I can't remember yeah that makes sense everything New Orleans was a warehouse at some point I can't see Peter but anyway

I'm pumped up it's gonna be a hoot in a holler I think we're doing a secret show on Tuesday at the Helen Wolfe at eight o'clock get that out for a secret sale you're telling a lot of people yeah I'm flying down for that thing so great well I'll be on there patterns putting the whole thing together patterns officiating the wedding we got a hop band we got a second line the food you want to come to the rehearsal you'll be in town I guess so was it Wednesday yeah Wednesday yeah sure we're doing a crime aren't I giving a big fat speech I've been working on the way you are yeah not the rehearsal no no that's wet pants and

crocs I don't rehearse there's some crunches on there you go oh boy so yeah it's gonna be nuts the worlds are colliding parents comics high school MOOCs you know all the tards all the weirdos I just had this because I do I do Uncle Dale's firehouse benefit every year we missed a couple years because of COVID but it's it's that weird world's just crashing down upon me yeah it's tough because I guess so I do the gig I get it's hard to do cuz in the old days I would just round up the buddies right and we'd get shithouse to be canner and Odo and Nate Bargat how about this we've had Nate Bargat see Stavros Halkias and

Tim Dillon wow three guys it all went on to become millionaires yeah that's huge Nate is doing an arena do you see that Bridgestone arena he's full arena full arena tour that's insane this little twink from Tennessee we'd see what the world with the zero energy and no personality and he wasn't little he had the whiffle he was fat he had the Vanderbilt pull over and he really made it happen he had the bad glasses and they had the weird bead necklace memory of that necklace oh yeah it was like a what do you call seashell yeah seashell necklace a seashore I got his first headshot he's in a water fountain he's

got the wire rim glasses and he's drinking out of a water fountain and it's a sight to see it looks wacky in that picture something's off his eyes are black yeah he's got some from something wrong isn't it weird how long we stayed with the black and white headshots yeah we thought it was artsy fartsy we're dumb doesn't make any sense it went into like the mid-2000s yeah that's true I remember I seen the first color when I was like oh this guy's all wrong yeah idiots he's that he's doing it the wrong way he's dumb then they had the horizontal headshots hey Adam horizontal I was gonna try to explain it

other way aren't oh they're vertical usually yes and you saw a whore bunch of whores I don't know those whores well Henry Phillips just had a great tweet he goes I'm glad I went with the horizontal and it's at like Chicago Zainis and it's got all the headshots and his is he's just like sideways but any tips so I gotta go do the show and now it's harder to book the show because in the old days you get your buds your peers yep but now everyone's out making money I know it's wacky so I got to stay friends with a couple losers just so I have somebody to exploit at this gig yeah smart well you brought the you brought a good batch of

dweeb so I grabbed Andrew Chavone and Steve there you go what's his name Rogers yeah yeah bd by the way so much of fans came so I started introducing on a bunch of people in the front row were doing this which was exciting yeah he's got like some buzz because of the podcast all right you're welcome there bd everywhere he goes people like oh watch out for that cock your cock's dragging yeah that's a fire hose for you that's not bad he should use that oh well I'll write for him please I'm teasing Steve killed by the way there you go but the world's gliding so you

show up at the show they're already there I got him a hotel like a best Western it was like DePaul's line if this is the best I'd hate to see the worst great line classic bad hotel so Steve and Andrew show up I got Tony V Boston legend who played Uncle Tony in the film Fourth of July yes killer actor in a hell of a comic check it out by it great comic great guy but so you got the comics and I got to entertain the comics because we got I got two nerds out here who are queefing in their jizz sure because they're doing a firehouse show but then I got the family my whole family's there's like 30 people there

yes so you got to say hi to the cousins and the uncles and the people but then I'm also friends with all the fire department I know the fire guys they used to drink with these guys and I know that we do this show every year so you got to go put the time in with them and then I promoted the show in the pockets you have fans there you know what your fans to see you talking to your mother with her like licking the milk off the corner your mouth and she's zipping your jacket up and shit so it's your shoes exactly so it's and really you want to be with the comics of course we're outside smoking and you're going this is

crazy can you believe this you believe that you see this video how about that tweet right so it's a it's a tough balance and then you get the people that are like well you can't even come say hello or over here never ends so it's it's tricky but the show is just fun it's this fun show it's fun to go back and I love those I want to shoot a special in a firehouse it's not bad that's how I came up and the crowds are always fun they're fun this free beer there's a weird layout of food you know there's mac and cheese and potato salad and it's a it's a good camaraderie everybody's like hey Bobby and they get you to headlock

and there's always the one guy was too drunk and then the one guy who says the n-word and the crowds are hot you're never gonna offend anyone there no one like whoa whoa hey you got that right but Michael Richards start in the firehouse great show we we raised the most money we've ever raised for the fire department thanks to the Tuesdays that came out and it was really a fun time but Tony V is a real pro he's a beast you just love watching it we're like okay there's a couple lie he did well he got some lie he kill and then Tony comes out and he's just so zen and we're back there smoking and just kills

effortlessly killing aha love an effortless kill love it I've only done like four fire how one was with you or the alarm went off yes and all the guys had to run out and I think they pretended I think I was bombing so bad that they were like yeah let's get out here let's let's make a fire yeah but one of them I did in Jersey and they picked us up in the fire truck wow sorry dick what did I put that on the cap cap yeah I know the cap is there sorry we're getting kicked out all right caps luck how's the phone phones fine it's a wet phone there we go the cap bill boy oh boy it's like a pee in 88

BP BP oil oh I was thinking batting practice sorry Mike I'm a bad person I didn't see the cap you're fine you're fine don't don't queef over spilled jizz but my firehouse gig it would they picked up and it was a bunch of Brooklyn come we were all new we're all nerds it was me Mike Lawrence Dan Saint your maid Mike Drucker a couple he's like oh gosh glasses wearing beard sport and Thor shirt motherfuckers yeah and everybody bombed and then I went up and I was bombing and all I had we had to perform in front of the bunk what do you call those like where all their shit is the equipment the closet yeah but you

know like they have it in the hockey team to where you have your locker your locker I guess locker room the cubby yes locker yeah there you go but there was no door it was all open you know that's a locker all right so locker up and you know I'm in front of it and I'm bombing so you start kind of looking around and I go oh oh Johnson he's gay and they went I mean they fucking lost it because he was gay oh wow he was the one gay fireman outside of the the village people or whatever and he and it killed and I got off oh wow he sprayed me that's the thing with these gigs if you go into the crowd make fun of

somebody everybody knows the guy they just go a shit well we have this one black fireman on the fire department and his name is smokey so I can't even do the bid anymore cuz for like ten years straight I'd be like we got one black and his name is smokey and everyone's like but after a while you're like alright we'll move on from that bit but it's pretty pretty solid was it smokey before the fire or did they name him smokey because he was such a bad fireman well he's always been black true true I don't know did he get a name from being a cigarette guy or did he get the name from catching on fire at one of the

when the school burned down and he was all charged I'm not sure how he got the name okay but they shortened it to smoke which just feels even more like it starts to get more and then Tony was like at least they don't call him charcoal you know what can you do can I say this about hotels you got them a best West yeah so I had I did some some gig out in Detroit two weeks ago and I had Jeff Asmus open hey as miss killer comic funny guy and they go hey you want to give Jeff a hotel I said yeah put them up at a hotel put them at something close to the venue which I didn't know was the shit box of all shit it's a motel you know

you open the door you're on the highway the Louie joke yeah it was one of those two floors you know all outside it's it's bad news and I go oh that's what you put them and I'm looking at the the the Yelp or whatever the trip advisor whatever sure and I'm like oh I'm such a cunt we're doing this theater show and I put you in there and then I'm on my way to the gig I show up same hotel oh same shit box as him oh hey no I have all these guys it was my mother's house or a hotel and it's tricky because my mother's up at 5 30 a.m. making coffee and whatever I don't want that yeah and plus I don't know about you I'm 40 I

still wake up with a fucking raging heart on every morning no I don't have that well I got it because you know I'm thinking about kids or whatever when I sleep so I just wake up with a big boner and I don't want to get out of bed and have my mother looking at my cock again those days are over but also speaking of cock you don't want Steve Rodge around with the old horny Nana no it's your phone is known to have a fucking decent dog on him so a separate piece pieces yeah peace in the Middle East I didn't happen no it's a nice core peace core is not bad all right well but any tits you had a good gig good gig happy to be back

you know the family went to saw Brandy Carlisle brought my niece and my my mother and my father my mother my sister oh wow my niece sister and father geez you guys synced up yet that's a lot estrogen it was something and I think it was fun because you always have this thing we are like here we go we're going to the concert and then the day of it's like there was like a my sister was supposed to go this and then it was supposed to be that and then the kids in the mood and my dad's whatever and everybody just seems like all right and you're kind of you have this thing when you think you're like giving a gift yeah

like am I am I just ruining all of your night is this or now and then you drive in it's just traffic and it feels like it's all your fault you're like you know because they go this night so we want to be home but we got to be here because of the dickless queef son yes yeah and then the traffic and then everyone's like oh this traffic side it's tough because you know I love my fan to the best but you're just like more traffic the traffic yeah like this all right at the traffic and we know it's there play a game we left early right but then you finally park you walk to the show the excitement by the way we got in the

opener the mix was off just like so loud and feedback so then you're like no one wanted to come I was horrible traffic the feedback and it sounds like and you know my dad's 81 you bring him and he's like all right let's see I bring him to Pearl Jam but that's like the show yeah yeah and he doesn't say much but I think he enjoys it but you get there I'm still alive and it's just feedback and then it's like you know a big heavy ladies opening and she's like you gotta love your brothers if you don't love your brothers you don't love your sisters and my dad's like the show will be better yeah and you know Brandy Carlos like the

queen of the lesbians oh a little affair it's just all lesbos so then we're in the aisle drinking a beer hanging out having a hot dog my dad's like she a lot of lesbian fans like I was like oh yeah I didn't tell you yeah we're the only straight men here just all gays as far as the eye could see so then we start talking do you think there's more straight men or more gay men here there's a lot of straight men on dates with their wives now are you getting looks like a couple of hetero normatives over there now it's all very it's a love fest over here that's good so then while we're talking this is

unbelievable you're gonna shit on my tits all right I can't wait so we're literally it's me my niece my sister my dad going well there's more straight men which we start counting we're like well that guy's gay he looks gay he's straight profile your gay darring well some are holding hands some are wearing you have bows in their hair whatever sure sure cheers in their eyes and while we're doing I swear to God while we're doing this two guys walk up and one goes hey I'm gay whoa he's a Tuesday but they don't know what I'm gay Tuesday amazing I swear to God we're mid conversation gay straight we're trying

to whisper and we're like keep it quiet a guy walks up and goes I'm gay take your tits out I'm gonna shit diarrhea all over those nips and they're like what the fuck was that and it takes a minute to realize shoot it over here oh boy we're in office for God's sake you asked for it but that was something about it Tim Dylan shirt the fake sure fun and then another guy came over was a guy so so it's kind of fun getting spotted I love it but unbelievable timing yeah just have a guy like I'm gay was your dad like what the fuck just happened they were a little confused and but they don't you know they don't say much but long story

short the show so we had great seats the show started brandy carl L just rips and rocks and she covered creep by radiohead which was a great show let me just say a couple of things about your fat ass you got a lot of range kid you can do a firehouse show with a bunch of mooks and hooting and holler it and the offensive and then you can slide it on over to the Red Scare period lesbian parade I love the lesbians I mean that's you have this thought though at the show where I'm like what a great show but I'm like if they heard a snippet of this podcast I know exactly they'd string me up and shoot me yeah you know I'd like

to do an armpit hair off I want to who's got more the straight man of the lesbians but we can do that another time but the other thing is what a son what a son you are yeah good son I go to my house I get I go under the radar I do a minimal effort minimal speaking I get in I do my part I make sure my dad's still alive and I leave you're bringing them to concerts shows parties comedy events you gotta try to connect you try it you try to go come on let's get something going here it's tough it's it's a lot of calories to burn my dad is not in the shit no yeah well you know you gotta try they come to the show yeah but that's no

good either but you know you're right I gotta try I gotta be welcoming and open-minded because here's what I here's why I'm a cunt I'll go my parents don't care they don't give a shit and then they're like should we come to your show and I'm like nah you better not right right me that's what's hard I've had this before too where you're like yeah my dad never said this he doesn't say this but then now if he tries you're like this what are you doing yes you know if your dad actually sat you down it was like I'm so proud of you you're doing great I would I would have a full-on panic attack and chop my dick off

and chew it like bubblegum yeah it feels like a trap you know it's it's like when your lady's like I'll blow you you're like whoa what's going on you just want to sniff my dick hmm what are you really after interesting it's too it's been too long one way that if you try to go the other way it's jarring yes it's jarring big jar jar jar binks yeah but good jar good for you because you're doing it right and it can't be easy with the traffic and the anal and just getting suburban people to go out and do stuff they don't normally do is not easy knowing you you see to you get older you have to like fight yes because as I get

older you're like I could just sit here totally totally it's a yeah I keep wanting to move the suburbs that you think you like if I went to the suburb I would literally just sit in my backyard all day long I know exactly which will make you sad it's fun to do nothing but if you get over that hump it's always better yeah yeah you have a nice busy day and you finish it you're like oh fun that's what's great about comedy is because we have an obligation we have to go do that show how many days you woke up oh I gotta go fucking perform and Syracuse and get my ass kicked and bomb and heckle and queef and then you know

but you gave you something to do and you got out the house yeah it's pretty good you need stuff to do you gotta get out the house Larry David said it best his wife was like you know or an interviewer was like here you're a billionaire zillionaire famous why do you keep doing the show he's like yeah something to do yes that's it that's life you gotta do a thing speaking of things where you been shoot take me on a tail take me on a trip oh I've been all over and I gotta start maybe I gotta get this assistant to shot cuz I need an assistant I can't imagine how much you need an assistant we can share one and

both fuck him that's no good oh you can't share and assist I think you maybe I think it's a full-time gig yeah is it for us I mean what do we care Kevin Hart well you got the guy the out ball when guy shows up he's cute he's sweet he's tenacious he is but he's almost too good something about him makes me nervous now he's perfect all right maybe you got a lady you know these women are good yeah the ladies are good with organizing they could multitask multiple orgasm yeah play that's a myth so the G spot but either way I got on a flight and I just didn't really I never looked I was like oh here we go where

where am I okay 14 be middle seat cross country haven't done that in a while yeah I got one Wednesday going to LA they upgrade me to Delta comfort but it's a middle I'd rather have no comfort aisle yeah well you know me I piss about 58 times a day exactly you got the bladder of a gay flea in my basement hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by blue shoe remember when you were a teenager you can get rock hard boners in the blink of an eye yeah well those days are over blue shoe is here it wants you to have the teenage hard on again I love to get my hands on a teenage boner blue shoe is an online service that delivers

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sponsoring the podcast yeah yeah so middle seat which is a real humbler you're you're back back to earth with a middle seat for cross country but how about this layout this is my weekend Thursday Iowa City some theater no where Iowa City Hawkeye Hawkeye Hawkeye brown eye then Lincoln Nebraska then Minneapolis okay and getting to those from each of those is not easy sure first off you got a flight to Chicago then connect and get on a flight to Cedar Rapids and then drive from Cedar Rapids to Iowa City interesting there's no Iowa City Airport that can't be true I mean give it a goog I think they're

might be one but you know they get like a single engine Cessna and a blimp right every week it's a small small like nothing on nothing fit my timeline you think the school alone they got to have teams flying in there yeah good point can we can we get a ruling on Iowa City's Airport what do you got not Chuck by the way great comic Mike Alvin ace on the ones in Tuesday check about Iowa City Municipal Airport does exist I don't know what goes in there though planes sure like a like a small airport yeah it's gonna be served type air yeah a little bullshit chimneys there's a Walmart basically in the

parking lot of Iowa City so Cedar Rapids now what's that drive 35 40 okay not crazy crazy but Denver to downtown is like that that's true good point but you know you just connect and then I had this thing where I'm in Chicago with like a three-hour layover and I'm like man I have the Delta Lounds but I only get a Delta Lounge when I fly Delta that's my weird hiccup but I flew United and I go I'm gonna walk into the United Lounge and I was having a shitty day and I'm gay and I went in there and I go what's it gonna take for me to get in that lounge and she goes you got to get this credit card or pay this annual fee

and I said it was pretty steep why can't you do a one-off fee 500 bucks I'll go in there and eat free breakfast well you get 60 bucks is a free lounge pass it's a little steep but breakfast on the outside costs 30 bucks and you got to wait in line and eat on your lap that's true that's true laptop but I go okay thank you and I walk around the thing and I'm like now I have two hours and 54 minutes to kill and I go you know what I'm thinking about you an equinox I'm thinking about you drinking Emperor's asshole whatever it is tea I'm out of money and I go oh really that close all right well I go fuck it I put the I put

my Delta card down I said let's do it hmm so I bought the lounge for a year you bought the Delta United lounge with the Delta car yes wow that's like I know it's like a fucking exception yes yes yes so I thought I was going downtown but so I get in the United Lounge stinks shit box trash heap well United is shit I try to tell you they have faulty delays they're logo stinks arena stinks United's bad Delta good United we sit I won't stand for it it stinks so I go in there and you just going ah like the magazines are worse the food is shittier that you know you go to Delta lounge you get a Stella on draft you go to the

United Lounge it's PBR they got a golf bag they got a bowl of chili I mean it's it's it's weak no it stinks it's weak Jerry weak I mean it dealt is the tip top plus they have like hotter people the purple outfit thing I like the hot purple give me a hot purple right in my ass purple what is it a yoga leader yeah the purple-headed yoga slinger was it does a euphemism the fuck is that it's a dick oh a dick purple-headed yogurt slinger when I'm about to come my dick is fluorescent purple it's like that's like Lakers purple it's really something yeah no Kobe watch out did you ever like jerk off real slow to yourself like a tease

yourself edging okay well you do that the head of my dick is like the size of fucking my father's head yeah it looks like Barney it Barney yes or the other guy from McDonald's all grimace grimace yes it does go it's a grimacee perp I mean I can get that thing shiny purple yeah yeah you're not kidding yeah it's a it's a purple head and edging is fun do you ever wonder what it looks like in the pussy don't you wish you could have a camera in the twat just cuz I imagine just jerking off slow makes it a massive perp right perpetrator but inside the the C word it must just be it's

engorged yes I love dumping one in a lady my gal likes a big splash of Elmer's glue in the bus no honor oh she's like put it here put it here put it there put in the fish tank on the TV whatever but I like shooting it or feels better it I'll do I'll say take that I was a swish yeah we have a good time nothing but net two points all right any far anyway so whatever flying you get this get to Iowa City great theater got my guy Corbin opening we have a great time burns and Lee master Corbin Lee master his name yeah I'm a general from the 1800s there's a cowboy he's just a confederate so he does great he's from

there so that's the whole thing it's his first theater which is exciting and then we dry we get drunk at the hotel bar drive to Lincoln and then we do it all over again I ate my ass at Lincoln one of those tough tough theaters it was a theater with booze it's like in Vegas booze booze like John Willis booze yeah booze and I did they were just too comfortable and sit back and at one point a lady I heard her go that's all you got I was like oh that'll kick you right the teeth geez I'm right to the old foreman and Ali they're the rope adobe business the rumble in the jungle you know foreman's beating the shit Ali

and Ali goes is that all you got and foreman's like yeah that's about it oh fun story anyone Ali one ah yeah before that's what foreman say Ali says that all you got yeah foreman saying disappointingly yeah that's what's all I got oh yeah that hurts and then you lost but there's a rumors about the ropes being too loose oh yeah same with my ex but alright so tough tough sledding in Lincoln and then you know we we we part ways there we try to go out and link it but all the gays are everywhere it's a punch it's a college town where we're huge and in Lincoln really how'd you bomb I don't get it I don't know is it

tough to the seating with the couches they bother me the booth Jerry on the seats so I don't know it didn't go great it just felt bad out of the gate like you walk out and they gotta give you a little of this not like yeah some nights you just it never it never quite clicks it didn't click yes no click so you leave there we get drunk there we go alright I'm calling tonight wake up the next day use my United Lounge it's a bunch of horseshit I go in there there's dirt on the floor there's a dog running around as a chicken in a cage United Lounge is trash well it's in Lincoln true you know true good point I bet the Chicago

United Lounge is something it's okay but I went to that when I left my headphones in it which is devastating mm-hmm air pod pro gone you know what it's like live without a headphone on an airplane well you guys got to get yourself some ray cons ray con yeah the whole thing's a con but whatever get out of there and then I go fly straight to Minneapolis now there's a hell of a town that is an underrated city great town great city act me the wolves the twins all that shit yes yes good good alumni Bob Dylan Prince the other guy hell of a town I don't know that Minneapolis can claim Dylan he's from Hibbing and then he

went to New York oh I think Dylan's ever living in Minneapolis well he's on the mural there fatty well he can have a mural but that's that's one of those claims all right and tell it mural I'm with you I don't know Mitch head so he worked here and whatever I don't know what I'm doing yeah yeah he was a hero and it's more of this yes but I lost soul peace brother yeah so Minneapolis two shows I got Ali Salted opening and it was banging so it's nice to get it back whoo you know when you're at the hotel I love this I'm at the hotel I'm singing I'm doing my hair getting ready showering and it's like 628 you look

okay the the theater's three-minute walk away great I'll show up like 645 and people are already posting like I'm here where are you and I'm just I'm like sticking into a hairbrush with a you know with a moomoo on it's always fascinating I'm sure I've mentioned it before it's like it's always interesting and fascinating how soon before the show we're masturbating yeah so true come out and you're like I just jerked off in this outfit right my heart rate is still raised yeah I haven't washed my hand and here I am no I still have load on my nips yeah yeah so that's fun you get to walk there and I always run past the

theater and there's people outside they go there he is and you are run to the back and so it's a fun moment that's fun and just a killer crowd great time we did two shows I come backstage after the second show Brian Dorfman is there oh you know the dwarf I know Dorf of Zany's fame he owns the club there and I think Chicago that sounds right yeah nice guy great guy and he goes let's go get a drink and we walk around downtown mini app and it's just a great town yeah it's alright you know it's fun about comedy is I have some racial material in my act and you get to say stuff like you know nothing weird racially has ever

happened here and they just go like this is the point of comedy this is what comedy is for so like tap into this taboo shit and and then have a yuck you got a tap yes tap the tab right tap the taboo yes tap the taboo so tapoo he was on the Simpsons but yeah just a fun time and then you we ended up getting way too drunk at this bar and shots were being sent over at the worst hangover my life yesterday but I made it back and here we are this is all this weekend oh yeah well fun I'm I was hurting that sounds like a hell of a time hell of a time you know it made my hangover worse was that United lounge you stink united

stinks like you step it up I mean it's literally like a basket full of crackers and like shitty hummus that just sucked into a troth I mean the whole thing's bad and what's the American is still around by the way didn't sell one of them just died spirit they died just ended I believe so I can't hear it spirit in the sky did they ever use that no they broke my just come up with that that's pretty good big song yeah they don't they don't serve spirits either I with the most popular Christian rock song of all time I feel like no one realizes that's right spirit in the sky I don't think they can afford the rights to it to be

honest who God spirit a airline yeah now they can't afford anything I think they pooped out oh good well they stunk but you know what they never crashed mm well no one crashes anymore wow tell that to Malaysia all right Malaysia oh yeah who is the last crash sully that was something I don't know give that a goog there I'll be yeah what's the last like American airline the crashed yeah yeah we're doing pretty good might be 9-11 yeah that's a hijacked cool cool again air flight 303 407 crash near Buffalo in 2009 it was the last fatal crash in the United States interesting never even heard never heard of

absorbed into jet blue blue ball good for you jet blue by them and spruce them up well you can jet blue solid jet blue solid they don't only fly to like 11 places and they don't go if they're if you know if they're not feeling great cookies I like those cookies and they have the snack thing that just sits up yes you can just go up and pick it up when you want ever the first time you saw that it felt like you were looting you're like is this real is this right who got who got snuffed out by Derek Chauvin that I get these free snacks it's pretty good pretty good deal so wow how about that two thousand I've been a

long time yeah yeah it's a crash to a plane but it shows about human psychology like we're all scared of flying we're all scared of sharks but they actually do the least death yeah no that's super safe yeah driving is like horrifically by the way the subway have you seen this video the video with a guy checks the guy no what happens this is new you didn't see this two days ago push the guy on the tracks he runs and shoulders him onto the tracks did he die no he was fine he bruised his nipple or something but still he's all fucked up whoa he's walking literally just walking with a bag and the guy like lines

him up and just runs and shoves him right onto the tracks oh it's two days ago in the L train in Brooklyn did they get them I don't think they got them oh man cuz you know the knockout game is one thing alright I get knocked out I pissed myself you should fart on me it's funny but this is push appeal on the tracks is psychotic it's terrifying and it just I get so mad cuz I talk about the subway you know I'm a little nervous it's crazy and people like oh you bitch fuck you blow me and then you see this and you're like how about an apology I know right well it is fascinating I take the subway every day I took it here

there's you know ladies in pants suits and old Chinese women with a can and a gay guy and you're like do people not care about the news well I think it's still you know there's still four million riders each day so the chances of getting kicked off under the tracks are still low it's like we're talking about right but it's going up violence is gone up in this this this fair city every day I hear about a slashing or a kid killed in Queens a shootout something it's getting cookie what about hammer man you know about hammer man that was in the uh the village MC you see that guy did a hammer he smashed windows he was

in jail for about 15 minutes I know he got a McDonald's Happy Meal when he got out that was in McDonald's at Penn Station yeah he's just running around smashing everything with a hammer and everyone's just like watching them like it's every time he's like in his backpack go to the back this day in age someone starts going through a backpack I'm at my nephew looks in his backpack I take him in the face and run probably a shooter yeah exactly so be careful out there you never know let me let me put a couple other things together I think I got a little bit of more jizz first of all I saw X and I loved it oh it's

unbelievable so good yeah it's fun I got the poster who someone sent me the poster I appreciate it when that guy cries after his lady fucks the porn star yeah boy I felt that yeah that was something that was that was too much yeah pretty good like handle it great tits great action great tits great stuff that lady is Brittany snow she's from pitch perfect oh so you can tell she's trying to get away from that like hey I ain't some cute little kid I'm a I'm a whore too didn't pitch perfect come out like 40 years ago what am I thinking of well they were young in that I think they were like 11 what else was well what was I

Jennifer Aniston movie what's that is that the same movie either pitch no there was another one there's a Jennifer Aniston movie called as a perfect perfect perfect pick huh so pitch pitch perfect no yeah isn't that a good Jennifer Aniston perfect movie picture perfect perfect right was that Robert Jennifer Aniston Kevin Bacon Jay Moore 97 whoa close wow maybe that was like her first movie or something like that that is great world old men yeah where were you at on a J J Aniston well Jennifer Aniston first couple seasons of friends when she had the the swoops I love the

big cans and then she would always have like black tights and a mini screw when I was in seventh eighth grade I'll tell you this the head of my dick has never been more purple yes I mean that anastasia was like unbelievable and then the show she got the longer hand that she got skinny that wasn't as attractive to me I would tell a little baby fat oh really I like babies yeah babies are hot but yeah I'm with I like the whole thing I think she she's held it again she still looks good she's like 79 yeah she's she's I don't think I would I wouldn't mind making love to her no I would be down it's so funny cuz when that show is

out everybody's like Jennifer Aniston then Monica Phoebe's a dog and you're like well she's still above average we just put her next to these gals I suppose so yeah huh I don't know what she's doing now she's funny she's gonna be doing something kudrow yeah Lisa Kudrow yeah she had a she had a show called the comeback that nobody watched when it was underrated no kidding maybe I'll give it a sniff all right but this we got him in the Pacific Northwest and I'm pumped what's that he said this week and I'm in the Pacific Northwest wait where what me too what I'm up in gig harbor with the

fam I'm at the moor in Seattle I love the more they shot the video there did he more what video the alive video or even flow I think it was alive is that where he's climbing he's climbing and jumps off the thing more all right we'll come around there what night I'm there Thursday and then I go it's weird it's a weird routing I'm there Thursday and I do Portland on Friday and then I go back to Seattle on Saturday for the the Neptune on the Neptune school that's where I was just was there what that's what school w school of fish I might come nice Saturday come by do a set I'll do a set what this is crazy the world's a

collider Saturday night that's right by the college I just drove by that you gotta watch out around there there's kooks everywhere is that right well more the Neptune is just these crazy kooks oh geez Michael Moore I didn't know that all right we'll come by nice it's fine there's just homeless people that's all okay well they decriminalized all drugs in Portland I believe and Seattle and Seattle yeah it's wild I always say it there they have a heroin problem and their whole thing is a space needle it's a little awkward that's fun yeah maybe Saturday I might come by we'd love to have you all right can I bring the big

D-man D money sure he doesn't want to do a set though does he no he doesn't do anything he's got a good set oh yeah that's gonna be something the crowd's gonna shit how about that I mean this won't come out well this comes out tomorrow they'll be ready damn it oh well I'm a great shocker I probably won't come surprise I won't come I can't believe it yeah let me just double check those dates but I think that god I know how this goes the assistant call in if you know what nights I'm there but I'm sold out it's gonna be a hum surely shows already happened you know what you're talking about you're in Kansas City I

think they're post-wedding maybe I don't know but it's a wacky one it's Thursday Seattle Friday Portland Saturday Seattle then Vancouver then home okay well I get to town Friday so Saturday I'll be ready to get the hell away from those people have it right here if you want oh please Thursday more theater Seattle Friday Revolution Hall Portland okay two shows okay Neptune on Saturday see Washington shows and then Vancouver Sunday all right hell yeah my goodness gracious I've never been to the Neptune never seen the Neptune I've there's a lot of specials done there but this will be this will be a Tuesday's bonanza it's a classic old

theater with the marquee it's little it looks like a little you know I mean it's like one of those like it looks like from the outside it just looks like a building yes and then you go in and then black's on top it's gonna be great we'll have fun I'm so excited cuz I get I get pretty I'm getting pretty lonely out there these days oh I want to kill myself every day the theater shows are tough because you're a club show you're in there with a host a feature you go out after you have your hotel there's the staff and theater it's a bunch of guys in black who look like albany's they got a headset on and a scruffy beard and

then they're doing their pulleys and shit and the lights and you never see them and then you're just stuck there with your feature and you're doing one of these well you gotta bring an entourage I don't know about the on your assistant your tour manager the opener you're you know the slut you banging in the town you gotta get that kind of stuff I guess but you know we're white but yeah no all right maybe I will I don't know about the tour manager is is pretty good yeah that's nice cuz you know what some pretty good looking ones out there oh TM so then you but you go up and you go they go hey you want to do sound check

you send him you know then they go hey what hey where's my almonds hey Chris get on it go crack some skulls next thing you know you got a fucking real almond they're raw like almond ice hey the almond brothers boy they were good they were great bacon sweet Melissa I shove a little bit of I gotta just give you a little two fingers dip it in skankfest and pop it in your ass put it right in this Victor now it's not I won't go crazy because most of it's just like that was great that was fun that was fun but it's hard I'm so afraid to cuz Sarah didn't come you didn't come my sex life she never died

and it's hard cuz people are like how was it and I'm like I can't even tell you about it yeah I want you to vow to me oh never miss a stagfest again I won't ever you don't know what I was sitting at home with the covers over my head in a flashlight going oh look at these I watched every video I jerk off to them I mean I'm sure you made money and had fun and signed some autographs and kissed a couple babies or whatever it is Orlando improv I mean Orlando Calrissian the worst American Orlando I love you but my god it's landlock it's Disney it's rough around the edges the only good part is the children yeah you got a lot of

kids to choose from but sure Orlando Borland oh orlando you can't miss skankfest I tell you yeah yeah yeah I can't miss it I'll never miss it again and it was Vegas it kicks up on like like Houston was fun we were at the sports book at 8 a.m. we're rolling dice we're playing craps we're doing the roulette wheel DeRosa's getting his Keith Robinson stinks tattoo I love it I love it weird it was a slipped and fell and he was limping around or shitting on him fat and old we had Bobby Kelly Ari Shafir bread hurts Shane Gillis Lewis Gomez big J dance Soder Canon Feeley sagaloh I was starting to fall

off a little but yeah you know Kim Cognac Christina Corinne the girls Letterman was there I think Rachel was there Rachel came by Rachel Norton tell Norton boss it was unbelievable forgetting somebody I'm sure yeah probably Ari you said Ari did I say you said Ari I think I said Ari play it back Ari yeah it's a short name and a big nose huge balls yeah but man it was fun yeah good time I know it killed me it looks so well done like I saw Tim Dylan and there you go he did a pocket and they have like graphics behind it with like a burning city and all that wow but in Houston it was just a rinky-dink you

know tin foil so much fun Nick Mullen that guy is very funny funny guy Berg Berg was there hung with the Bergman and a bunch of them there's so many people there there's people I didn't even see I never even wow that's a good sign but boy it was fun and I love the day hang you meet up in the morning you go out and Soder and I had a good catch up like Saturday morning we went out which but it was fucking we're betting on the sports then we're just shitting on coming meanwhile by the way I'm like you're gonna keep your voice down there's like guys with like skankfest laminates right that guy sucks he sucks and you

just see this Jesus Christ Soder too is like that guy fucking sucks and you're like Jesus Christ you big-headed Nazi he's booming he's like he's one of these guys it's like I don't give a shit anymore but I'm like I know they're gonna blog Soder hates you know beep beep bitty beep these come stains with the with the comedy drama soap opera Bobby Lee and brandon shot get alive just enjoy the jokes but boy it was fun so then Soder I go to breakfast we place our bets then you go to breakfast we're leaving and it's this is in downtown Vegas which is it's rough around the edges in everywhere in between I mean

it's a site down there road hard put away wet wild and we saw a real-life vagina oh quarter of 10 a.m. downtown heroin addict puss and it's not a hot puss no no it's a cold puss like Tom Dustin probably was it's only the second puss I've seen in about 14 years oh that's right so that's gotta be something it was it wasn't sexual but it was like when you're walking and you see in this you know this unfortunate drug folks all over the place and you just kind of do this is that a twat right there yes I think it is wow it was a leg just bent no pants no undies bent over I don't know if she was picking her toes and

Poughkeepsie or what she was doing but she was full bent and you kind of stop and just go how about that a vagina well in the wild was it no pant or was it a short skirt what are we talking no pants no she was like Winnie the Pooh t-shirt holy shit Winnie the Puss yeah what was that signal oh god it's quite a honey pot but anyway there's a real a real twat in the streets and that was you know noteworthy that's the site for sure and you gotta even if it's not a good van just still a van it's like seeing a moose the moose could run at you and it could ruin your day but you you still saw a moose you gotta see the moose

knuckle yeah there it is loose moose it was a loose moose knuckle sandwich on the loose oh yeah the spruce moose maverick and goose so that was something but decent caboose no great wild stories or anything just a lot of back rimmed it yeah left hand to just a lot of sitting around smoking watch and stand up a lot of laughs selling the murder they are the we're sitting by the in the merch area smoking this guy we couldn't stop laughing because we're just ruining all the merch because we're just smoking all over the place but great you know you just have these great hangs we played the movie which was fun

bunch people came out and then Lewis came up we played his deleted scene and he was shitting on it we had a lot of laughs will sell Vince was there oh good for well that was fun and the shows were great and you were getting pops you come out everyone's like and everyone had seen the movie everyone's a gay everywhere I go Tuesday it's all pipes we're like rock stars over there that's lunch and gotta thank all the all the gay everyone that came to the festival yes it is funny because there's a moment where you're like somewhere in this crowd is somebody that's been like you suck liberal I'm like I know you're out

there yeah never thought about that but you're just it's it's you're amongst the fan and it's all one world and it just feels so great it's special it's indescribable you should book your tickets to next year's skankfest we don't know where it's gonna be just yet but it's something I'm so proud to be a part of it and then we're like the guys there so we got upgraded to a suite I had a big nugget sweet I went to Bobby's room at Circa so beautiful he's a big views of the the skyline and the shit and all day every day hang love it and we yet you're walking up the street and it's like it's me Shane Soder

Hinchcliff Ari all in one group it's like oh my god couple of big dogs very very exciting and then the goddamn comedy jam it's not even a story you've seen the photos maybe you saw the photos on my Instagram Troy Conrad that guy is a talent he's a talent and I've been a fan of his for a long time and he was there shooting and this guy these are my funeral photos wow that's fun just you rocking out it's so fun and the crowd surfing and so we go to the comedy jam I'm gonna do dancing in the dark by Bruce Springsteen and Josh is like why don't you do Pearl Jam I'm like I don't know I'm feeling Bruce I want to do

Bruce yeah you gotta go to your gut so I go with the gut and he's like okay and then I get there and he's like don't leave right away I got a surprise for you which is exciting and you know I'm nervous because it's the last night it's packed they're mashing the whole crowds everybody's there and you're like oh god I'm not a singer this is crazy anytime I see with a band I get too excited I get teed up and out in front of the band right so I'm nervous and Josh is like don't worry we got you so we do dancing in the dark and my intro I was like this is really a mosh song but it'd be fun if you mosh okay dancing the dark so

everyone obliges they're going crazy is that the Courtney Cox one yeah yeah okay great tune and then I finished and it was like back to the future we's like let's do another one alive by Pearl Jam I go you got it your kids are gonna love it and it's just but everyone just goes apeshit they go crazy we do the solo yeah yeah yeah I jump in the crowd I'm crowd surfing around and then they send me back just in time to get back to the next vocal wow you know I'm kicking over the mic stand we're jumping up and down head banging my neck still hurts wow and then the drug get to be the guy like we're finishing

up to the shh and then the drummer we make the eye contact I jump up and he does the power and then I left like Elvis is like 1 a.m. yes so I just walk out I grabbed Canon and Feeney and Ari and we walk out and right as we're walking out hinge cliff and his gang meet up and so we all walk up the street it's 1 30 the morning heroin addicts ever I'm still buzzing I can't hear wow there was a hot lady that came up and was like hey you're a you're a babe I love you I see her during the singing and you're like these singers forget they must be wearing pussy as a hat oh my god yeah well that's what the March was

about but my lady you know people are people you were the talk of the jizz with the the performance thank you my lady goes you see this video and I think she was she was rubbing oh really turned on you had the fist up he had the muscle on the arm you are all well let her know I mean she's not married this lady weeks before this deal is sealed but all right well rehearsal yeah she was everything yeah yeah well she could learn a few things but my point is everybody's buzzing about that that set of yours that alive and just it tapped the nation I heard about it beep beep beep on the wire back in the east coast oh wow it really

made its way over and it kills me that I wasn't there yeah oh mark my Norman I've told you within a year or two this fest will be considered it'll be accredited it'll be validated like one of the you know now it's like this indie kind of fringe bullshit thing Gomez got a cowboy hat on and a clock on his necklace right right in a couple years one maybe two I think someone's gonna try to buy it like live nation or some shit and it'll be legitimate and I don't know if that should happen I'm saying they're gonna make an offer well it's fine cuz I was reading Lewis's like ask me I know I've said before Lewis Gomez is like the most

important person in comedy yeah he's killing it he's incredible and so he was doing a skank fest ask me anything it's almost like well why don't we make it bigger and he's like no it's the perfect size because we're so we say hello to everybody right it would just be insane and it's just so much fun to show up there in the morning and everyone's so kind yes it's like a love fest and oh and these retard so it's a white surprise you're like you know you never been there it's the most joyous fest I go to I go to these inclusive places and I feel weird right now I feel way more bullied no it's it's not even worth engaging in

any of that they don't know what they're talking about it's just it's the best festival I've ever been a part of a very kind even as a fan Lollapalooza or in the other one it's just it's the greatest and I'm genuinely honored to be a part of it and man it was all Vecchio was there and it's just fun it's just comedy fun it feels like my friend he's like 23 he's a new comedian he's young he's hot and he's like I went to skank this and it was like a breath the fresh air he's like I felt like I could say crazy shit we're all here to laugh it no one got mad at me no one was like that's problematic everybody liked each other everybody

got along everybody hung out and then I went home yeah it's awesome Lewis is awesome he's and Lewis is also just so funny and so fun to have on a podcast we did the you know what dude Shane came on me Lewis Soder Shane Bobby and we did live Ari Shafir podcast when this comes out live skeptic tank from skank that was me Norton Bobby Ari and DeRosa who that's a fun gaggle a million laughs I mean we have to stop the pocket I couldn't stop laughing Norton was killing me he's on fire you're gonna want to check this out absolute classic and yeah but anyways Lewis is just so funny and so fun and so positive and he dreamed it and

did it yeah on the dream and you know Christine and Rebecca do so much work on it too so everyone at all these volunteers everybody should be proud and don't miss it I'll never miss it again it kills me I wasn't there and you're doing a great thing Lewis and Rebecca at all these all these Christians so yeah keep doing your damn thing and the fact that he doesn't want to go bigger is a great sign because it's very tempting to take all this money and go do some giant city some arena right but he won't do it because it'll ruin the integrity of the fest great fest yeah all I can say is get in line early for

tickets next year it's a comedy wet dream who uncle fester all right well I think that'll do it yeah I suppose so I think we got it in that was something right yeah a lot of good stuff keep on keeping on where you're gonna be well this weekend yeah vacationing I'm in LA Wednesday Thursday doing some spots of the improv check it out and come by the improv I'll be doing a regular set not the headlining this thing I did last time and then I might pop by Saturday we love to have you there fatty it's two shows so go nuts and yeah I'll be all over the road Portland Vancouver Seattle as we said and Albany Albany's

and Buffalo Boston we're doing the Wilbur we got some tickets left over New Haven it's gonna be a hoot and a holler come on out praise Allah queef it up wait let me plug Hartford November 4th and 5th Hartford funny bone please come to that Hartford funny bone and then no woodstock Vermont November December 4th Omaha funny bone December 16 and 17 Madison December 8th through the 10th yeah the patreon is insane we're about to do a big Q&A thing so get on that here here all right shout out to Mike Albany's for like accommodating us here check out Mike's stuff he's hilarious

you