Tuesdays with Stories! - #477 Deep Waters with Ari Shaffir - Pt. 1

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

Mark and Joe open up the show by lamenting having non-teacher adults in classrooms. Who are they?! Nobody knows! If you know, please don't reach out. Then - a fourth boy joins Mark, Joe and Chuck in the room - Ari Shaffir jumps in between the gays! That's right! Ari Shaffir saw the comments about how much the listeners do NOT want guests so he decided to make them upset. Ari also has a new special Ari Shaffir - Jew. So he's here to breakdown Mark's upcoming wedding plans with the boys! Part 2 is available at patreon.com/tuesdays Our Stuff:  - patreon.com/tuesdays    - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories       Sponsors:    - Visit https://www.expressvpn.com/tuesdays  - Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code TUESDAYS for 20% off and free shipping.   - Visit http://www.liquidIV.com and use code TUESDAYS. SUBSCRIBE: https://bit.ly/2ABEe1w

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing my radio is spitting at me I can't we're back this is it we're live welcome folks Tuesdays with stories is here we're in a different room we're in a conference room yes cameras far away

yes can you hear us because it feels like we're very far from the camera we have microphones I say I know but I got to the wire by the way so we're in a conference room this is where who you're telling to move all right you're a symmetry all right we're in a different room Chuck is not Mike for at least the moment so you're welcome he's walking over there now so we're in the conference room because we have a very special app we have the one of the ugliest men I've ever met coming on the show man is questionable yeah thick cock huge balls good sack of stones on this he because we've already set it in

the thumb diagram diagram what is it called thumbnail thumbnail and description but why is it called a thumbnail my thumbnails got no no podcast they're going every thumbnail they're having the best time of their lives and I watch it I'm bored out of my mind well yeah all changes you gotta have a thing it's gotta be shoulders up whatever by the way Chuck I don't even know what you're doing anymore I think we got a we got a we got a can this son of an onion what happened he makes a photo for the episode a couple weeks ago how did you not do both of us with the spread the spread the double spread you're

farming it out to these queefs out there at NYU which the newest one yes the newest ones great you're kicking in the air good kick kick but we both had a double spread all right give me the double spread all right I wanted to save it for the end get it up all right all right that's not a bad idea that's a good excuse I thought they were both great you guys looked handsome I liked it all right well you're trying to hit my senses but he knows my spot yeah well you know my spots he's like well handsome yeah it was a good kick speaking of handsome we got one of the most handsome guys ever coming on really attractive

man oh is Jeff die coming in what are you talking about I see it's a black but yeah we have a guest on and people are bailing we're gonna do a little bit of time just us just us just so we don't piss off the locals we know you Jews hate the guests we'll put some timestamps on a lot of pressure on our guests by the way oh you better bring it we haven't had a guest in 15 years well luckily he's very likeable never had any drama with him no problems he's a going guy nobody dislikes him but yeah any jizz so by the way he's sitting in the room maybe we should have you on it's awkward you know what it feels like when you were a kid

and there was always a guy in the room who wasn't teaching and you're like what was that guy you know like oh he's a superintendent or he's just making sure the teachers not a pedophile or a rapist or whatever did you ever have that guy just like an adult sitting in no I don't know we had so TA maybe a TA teachers anonymous maybe I had some teachers that were a little squirrely so they had to keep an eye on them well I remember our first principal mr. Goodwin coming in one time and watching a class and mr. Lupien was the health teacher coolest teacher Lupien which is weird to think about he's probably dead yeah he was 47

I remember he admitted his a he was 47 and back then like 47 and Ari that's his he wishes he was 47 yeah he was 47 three decades ago sure and so he was 47 but that was 1995 so if he's alive he's on borrowed time hold on he's got to be a hundred and six no well 95 is 32 years 40 plus 32 is 69 79 79 79 wow oh no huh no 69 call it right wait if he's 40 no no 77 plus 47 is 79 I think it's actually no 84 84 good book would he be 84 no but 95 wasn't 37 years ago it was 27 years ago oh it's 27 yeah so he'd be 73 call in if you have a calculator hold on 1995 is 27 years ago check 47 plus 20 is 67 plus 7 is 74 74 so it'd be 74 I don't know what

month he was born in yeah you never know the month at that time of the month but yeah all right well I'm sure he's around anyways he might be dead but I remember he was he was teaching about teeth and he was trying to figure out the lateral tooth or the lateral teeth and at some point it was like it was like what was that movie with Robin Williams where they raped the girl while she's sleeping Patch Adams no that one's done oh dead poets dead poets yes that's what I call Cosby's hotel room but he had an eraser he's like what do you call the teeth in the back and then he had like a chalkboard eraser and he pitched it to a

guy and he's like what do you call that we were like a lateral and he's like you yes this sucks wait wait a story stinks what does that do with the teacher well the teacher did that this is how he displayed it but it was excited cuz everyone stood up and he lined us up like a football great to get lateral that's fun you know I just rewatched Rudy oh wow yeah I weeped on the plane wept wept yeah I dove into a pool I dived which part got you I can tell you which part gets me well it's when he first of all the friend dies that's wild Pete I don't want to be I don't give anything away spoilers I think it's a 74 year old

movie 93 so that's 30 28 29 29 okay so but then when he got on the field and the dad is in the end dad gets you the dad goes yes yes yes go Rudy or how about when he's in the warehouse he's like my son's going to Notre Dame did you hear that Scotty we just want our dad to like it's all dad run out and I talk about this a lot on the movie pod he gets moved with children that a parent losing a child that's his big I love abortion but I get moved when someone is finally seen yes yes you son of a bitch because I'm not seen and his parents are alive or is a kid that died or a career that died something happened

that's they always say oh this kid grew up without a father he's gonna go to a gang no no you're lucky you had no dad you got nobody to see you you got nobody to hope sees you well I've had this conversation before about a certain friend whose dad died but he loved him until he died Soder no different guy okay and then my therapist but we share a therapist and then the therapist I was like in some ways it'd be easier yeah because it's like you have a dad that's like I love your son your number one noogie and then he kicks off but you're like boy I missed that guy that was so sweet but then you got a guy who's just

sitting there chewing gum and outright yeah yeah my dad doesn't know my name and I wish I'd ever had one by the way this is fascinating we're all gonna meet your family and by the way from your acting podcast there better be a retarded cousin a fat grandma a dead grandma I mean I can't tell you how many times you've told me an uncle died and uncle's on crack yeah I see I think this family is gonna be quite an episode everywhere my dad asked to speak and I was like no no you better not because it's gonna go off the rails and they don't know any of you guys so this is gonna be cookie I mean the mother your

mother gonna have huge tits she better be cooking and yeah she is the dad I wanted to see you hit you he'll hit me he'll blow you he'll show everybody is dick he sees a wacky character but tough guy to get to know I mean there's should be no family members because every family members died every time you were running late that's true well they were they were in dialysis with their back like my sister got hit by a bus I can't make the game you know but any giz that's gonna be fun I can't wait yeah it's a little bit of a stressful the world's colliding it's like my family comedians high school friends comedians

her the ladies family committee I mean it's a lot going on here is a lot of spitting plates tell me about it Nick Griffin ate out my Aunt Betty at my wedding that's right that was the highlight I was in the cake it was a weird wedding speech but yeah that was wild but everybody got along because you're your family's like a couple of comics they're drunk they're Boston they say the n-word well we had everybody off and grew it's like Sarah's family never spoke to anybody my family just stuck together but it was a sweet moment where my dad at the wedding was like you know I'm trying to do the math of how many of

these comedians have stayed on my couch and it was like the 30s Wow your dad just said that that's kind of a fun he rarely speaks it was something he was getting emotional he was like look he's like I know this guy that asshole this guy might have been pissed he's like this guy puked in my bushes I mean I think I wet the bed your place oh yeah you stayed there we play pool yeah yeah it was very awkward we got that shirtless Darth Vader photo and I remember being like your mom's home and you're like so what right well the parents and you're like you're an adult I'm like that's different yeah it was not good we had to get

out of there quick oh I couldn't handle it I remember sitting in rush hour traffic as you're like all right we gotta leave my friend Marcus because I couldn't piss as I can't leave you alone with my mother no you just gotta piss your pants yeah I snuck into the bed at night but yeah nice people I remember you had cookies out my mother just has cookies that's how they show love I would like some cookies for my parents your mother's a chef isn't she yeah yeah no cookie she cooks but no cookie interesting she must have cookie sized nipples I would imagine yeah big old wafers all right all right let me

uh can I throw some stuff at you first where should we get him in or what do we do throw it you want to throw stuff yeah well I don't know if we give it enough to the people I don't know what's gonna happen this might be horrendous it could be but that's part of the fun it's a lovable guest though people are gonna be happy about it might hate us it's not Chuck so everybody can relax and breathe the sigh of fresh air but we're gonna have to yell jizz and make kid fucking jokes every couple seconds our guest is up for that he's done half of those things all right well what do you want to do let's bring him in bring him in

everybody's got a brand new comedy special it's the the lawyer next door that hates us so here he comes Ari Shafir now do I get up and give you the middle okay yeah that was a big thing as a kid you know remember that middle get the good seat no you're like mom Jeff says take it over he's the guest you could abuse that privilege people abused well that's the thing is you always get treated the shittiest by the closest people yeah parents are always nice to everybody else your wife is always nice to everybody else the guest have seconds yeah your wife's always blowing dudes yeah what she's

an entertainer your dream come true I said hi to somebody I thought was your wife looks exactly like your wife I was like hey I'm a stone overweight some brishly she goes I'm surprised you remember me I'm like what you're not Sarah at all her mother I didn't say that maybe it was her sliding doors what's that mean a different world could have been her you ever walk into one of those things oh yeah what a nightmare yep yeah well we never have a guest we had guests we had live episodes no no no I've been on enough from a hotel room way back what hotel back when it was Mondays with with stuff said I don't want you

all or something or moon tower I'm not sure yeah I've been on a bonus probably a bonus maybe now you might have done it twice once with another guy and once just me that part I'm not sure I don't it's interesting because well obviously famously Mark and I were walking the East Village we saw you and I was like there's a hurry we duck behind garbage this I couldn't talk to you I was like that guy sucks I hate him still true still true but the time I only knew you as somebody you had I think you slap someone a friend of mine in the face Bobby

you had called Sarah cunt you had done amazing smelter cunt and I slapped your tits all right that's fair yeah it was a birthday you know you're tall you're unattractive you're the new guy new guy he's been doing comedy with the city I see a fucking story for you okay that's why I came in you really did tackle both scenes pretty well that's not enough that's not nothing to sneeze at you went to LA you made some bones over there and you came to New York and now you're everywhere I was the first one to come here that's right that means nobody else moved to New York back then they were

all like what you move to New York from New York yeah everybody goes to LA I remember in really bummed being like God this guy's coming how well how long ago was that 12 years 10 12 years no at least 10 Wow it took you a while it must be close to 10 because I was we ever drank together you would just finish drinking okay you know what dude and and I remember asking you like how come everybody here says you're hilarious I'm gonna never hurt you like booze I think what you actually said was you're such an interesting guy because everyone speaks so highly of you but absolutely no career whatsoever to speak

of something like that some of those lines well things don't change I guess and then for some reason I didn't want to talk to you when you walk by I think it was you know you heard some lore it's the first time he saw an autistic person I do remember seeing the first bit I remember seeing you do is the strip club when the women do this with shoes and I was like that's pretty good what is that why who's that I hate that move what a fucking dumb move these strippers you think they're smarter than they are it's aggressive and it's it's if you get caught in the middle of that you lose an ear yeah it's dangerous it's a biohazard

I love it you lost in here or two now do you have to act that out on stage with your feet I did yeah you can do it pretty easily though I got it going for a while yeah you sat on the stool and clicked them and then I remember thinking like why does everyone say he sucks that's funny yeah everybody said you were bad but yeah still do that's what's crazy I'm like no not really don't change oh nobody has the info on your wedding yeah I keep getting emails you know anything about no are you getting a block of rooms how how many people you telling that I'm getting a block of rooms for your wedding oh you told me a

house yeah you told us he had a house I'm being addressed what shit everyone's like oh can I get it on that you know what I've been tell me we had a house I feel like I was gonna build a house I haven't booked anything booked are you booked not booked I have no book I'll book a house I'll book a house you get a house I'll get a house all right it's house money it's house money okay can't afford a house are you easy works eight podcasts besides this one who do you look how mad I got my account call me today and told me how much I owed in taxes that I fucking fell down the stairs yeah but yeah you're trying to

get us to give you more I don't know what's going on here I can't tell what's going on you are you broke Dylan's guy left all these fucking producers are like I want peace oh yeah we don't make Tim Dylan money I'll tell you that's producer well he got AIDS and died I think he found out Tim's gay was disgusted by it yeah he said how about let me stop some seconds and Tim's like no that's all for me there you go it's a fat joke it's a fat joke all right any jizz any jizz so so we have no information on fucking Norman's wedding people ask me what when is the wedding when's the extra some I have no

idea is it down to it's Thursday right it's Thursday and it's in the French quarter what time well that's cool I don't even know what time it's at to be honest right now I got it so I'm gonna get a hotel I just need to get a hotel in New Orleans yeah I might be hotel yeah there's not like a place that like this there's a block but I think the the inner in a immediate people got the block parents they're all out of Boston so they're they don't really care yes I'm sure there's some psychos that will show up it is online it we had to make it private because a bunch of people said I'm coming I'm coming all these psychos

it is online hey good to have you back was this yes anal hey folks this episode of Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by liquid IV when going through your daily checklist make sure hydration stays on the top of your list liquid IV is the easy way to stay hydrated get five essential vitamins and hydrate two times faster than water hmm alone then water with then with water alone boy I got a hydrate before I read these GD things one stick of liquid IV that's what you need folks bad read cooler weather makes it easier to miss signs of dehydration like overheating or perspiration so it's even more important to stay hydrated

we're into the fall we're heading towards the winter you think you don't need water because you're chilly you do I love this done liquid IV has sent us so much and I am just so so grateful that they keep sending us all this stuff like my cabinets are filled I'm getting to neighbors I have so much Rana knocks on the door he comes down he goes thanks for the liquid IV can I have a couple more I've given it to Steve Rogers Caitlyn Palufo they literally come over and go hey you got any more liquid IV it's like a cup of sugar it's great people are gonna love it use liquid IV first thing in the morning before a

workout when you feel run down after a long night out and to manage daily hydration my favorite flavor I mean I love all these flavors there's a bunch of I can't even pick one mm-hmm it's a big tie mm-hmm liquid IV contains five essential vitamins B3 like the organ B5 B6 B12 and vitamin C it contains three times the electrolytes electrolytes of traditional sports drinks made with premium ingredients liquid IV is free from gluten dairy or soy grab your liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 20% off when you shop better hydration at liquid IV comm and use code Tuesdays at checkout that's

20% off one-fifth anything you order with code Tuesdays at liquid IV comm beautiful hey folks Tuesday stories is brought to you by Express VPN when did we decide to stop upholding free speech is a basic right everyone should have the right to express themselves freely sadly the big tech monopoly has opted for silencing tactics and censorship to fight back big tech's control of the internet I use Express VPN ever wondered how free to access tech giants make all their cash by tracking your searches video history and everything you click on son of a bitch I click on all kinds of wacky shit I'm on the dark web I like

weird stuff so I definitely need Express VPN I'm buying some guns right now for my guy and Tanzania when you use the Express VPN app on your computer or phone you anonymize much of your online presence by hiding your IP address that makes your activity more difficult to trace and sell to advertisers wow you got to get on this folks Express VPN encrypts 100% of your network data to protect you from eavesdroppers and cyber criminals so let's stop allowing big tech to revoke our rights to free speech why not revoke their rights to your data instead secure your internet with the VPN we trust for online protection visit

Express VPN comm slash Tuesdays that's EXP are ESS VPN comm slash Tuesdays to get three months free wow that's pretty good with our exclusive link express VPN comm slash Tuesdays but any jazz I can't wait there's gonna be a band it's gonna be slow dancing we got a band called the mixed nuts they play for the Saints I mean we got a huge one we got so black room in LA for a while really mix nuts if they're mixed are they all black but you got to do a song what do you mean a song I would love if you cod damn comedy jam like a ballad yeah every word I said yeah make you laugh forever I gotta slow down to the bar Gatsy at your

wedding yeah that's right maybe I'll slow dance with you at his wedding well he bar Gatsy such a nut he can't make the wedding so he's flying down the day before just to say hello and bring a present come Tuesday and do the show he's flying private now these days wow I know Vita's on there and a little booster seat boy am I really failing I took it with us really he said he said yeah I was supposed to hang out with him before Bonnaroo in between Bonnaroo and and the fucking club there bonajew and I get there and I was like hey man so I'm on my way back from Bonnaroo we hanging out he goes oh shit dude I took a

corporate in Vegas I forgot oh yeah tell you what if you want come to Vegas get your room private table you fly private with me back to Greenville oh my lord I was like fuck it let's do it which Rogan treated people like that private jet shit with the door open in front of right there can't you just close the door I'm like yeah I can wait wait why private jet you didn't fall out of the jet oh shit with the door oh you shit with the door over this understood you're dumb yeah got it got it I thought you meant the plane was the door is open I wish but that's a good note for next time that

yeah you don't want to leave that up while flying chili willie yes you know that DeVito chili will you pick up oh yeah yeah very funny who give me some give me some comics that are going to the way I was going to this oh Sam Merrill Stavros Shane Gillis you guys date well Nate's coming the day before at state night soda soda not schedule a big J Lewis Mackie I don't know about big J I think I did invite big J so he I don't know if he approved or whatever you call it how many people we talking three four hundred people to 200 200 people is there a separate how do you separate the comedians from the

norm course you don't you let it happen naturally it's gonna be sharks of the jet tables now table assignments now we don't we don't believe in that that's communism what is it it's it's mingle but is there a place to eat we're gonna eat eat up yeah you stand and eat we'll give you like a set up all over eat over give you a stand so there's a trough take us through I have no idea what this is gonna look like traditional royal Jewish wedding if you know what I'm traditional New Orleans wedding there's no seating you just sit wherever you want on the floor no no it's like a cafeteria like high school yes it's gonna get

ugly if you want ugly I'm gonna sprint to a table sitting with a you know you don't want to sit with my aunt yeah it could happen non-competible I'm gonna click to you like I get stuck with Chuck there's gonna be a producers table yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Chuck with the mushy Mike yeah you would swallow juice you guys will have your own hotel room that's a match yeah that's how you and Jason Katz can talk all night for the real queefs out there we're doing a private show on Tuesday before the wedding yeah well not private but it's private it's not public okay well there you go so the

real nuts need to come up with that one Tuesday night tippettinas I will be there unless oh so sorry I'm so sorry guys that locks unless I gotta do some press and for my special I know that's still lingering so yeah it's back that's a big bagel I mean we walked in by the way Ari went to the office shithole shitter trucked and we walked in yeah market I walked in that was quite a monster it was horrible I almost got food poisoning just with the smell it was horrible it was fucking bad I had I got particles dripping on my face yeah yeah particles nice oh so yeah

Tuesday we're gonna do a show yes event not private yes they won't try to buy tickets no no get a ticket but it's for the real dude say we're gonna be there which I don't know if I will but I don't mind I'm ever in New Orleans there once every five years I don't mind promoting it plus you got Maril and these guys need to get up or they might be flying down early no he can't fly at all he's walking it's for save his back well Maril go down on a Tuesday he'll go down on you hey he might get there on a Tuesday day and then do the show that night but yeah that is probably not reliable you never know yeah you have back pain that day I know

so yeah that's the party he never even came yeah and and then that spot got filled in by somebody I don't know yeah we try to get trucked again yeah alright so Tuesday night but yeah the wedding is gonna be it's gonna be a hum digger in you know it's it's gonna be what do you call low-key cash no religion no possessions no religion to yeah what do I wear Ted Baker suit please nice suit or you can go wacky you want to go tie-dye or I'm doing I'm getting that that it's a wild today bought for a for my show in New Orleans last time bring it on and I was like that's perfect that run this by May no I did and the

stavros is going on yeah dad I got to send her an invite but yeah she'll be there mays pregnant sister right oh there you go nice pregnant they give me single chicks there yeah helping out female comics if any I don't consider them comedians no no you got she has a couple of you know open mic losers there and then Rosebud oh okay I like Rosebud I think Palufo Katelyn Palufo I think it's great look Katelyn Sarah Sarah I think Bruce arts lady wolf I invited her but you know she said there weren't enough black people interesting what she wrote back

Chris Allen going to that yeah we're in Ian Lara's outfit you see that I did how weird was that right out they think alike what do you mean he's like I got a new outfit I'm trying out I'm looking fly and it was like identical to Ian Lara's tonight show outfit from four days earlier I think they get a memo or something because they all know exactly what's in fashion at the exact time they're in club they're in a club yeah not a clan dead on same outfit wow yeah it was weird I tweeted it you can go check out my Twitter and it's a bold outfit it's a pink hoodie with a jean jacket yeah what kind of breed are you

movie chicken rice you're going double I'm going burrito back-to-back burrito so I like shit my pants twice which kind of beans no beans no beans no sour cream no sour cream you don't know rice hot sauce you want hot sauce that's right it's okay what do you mean doesn't seem like you're a hot sauce guy I'm a huge hot stuff we've had this fucking conversation I'm a huge hot guy I'm a spicy guy I I reflux I'm reflux guy yeah acid remember your acid your acid reflux tripping on acid reflux I just emailed you all the hotel info with the discount code and everything oh great see if it's still available yeah I think

it is oh yeah we got a block but if you want to get a house I'll get a lot more fun all right we'll talk I'll get a house we can do the bachelor party we relive it for you yeah let's do it we'll have a cocaine and hookers pregnant sisters yeah there you go they won't chip in even if I only go for a day I'll still pay my five days we'll figure out who wants to go I'll set it up you still owe me for the United and and the whole fucking weekend yeah I'm the bachelor god damn I haven't gotten paid no I can't oh yeah we haven't gotten paid I don't think I didn't I didn't give you the leftover money that's all that's all

left over I remembered it and I forgot well check the United because I don't feel like I got that Venmo's got a history yeah then I'll look that up paper trail he's short on cash these days oh yeah so definitely generally but what I wanted to pay for leftover that's coming that's coming oh that's coming you fucked up I'm busy with my special my mind's been everywhere yeah your special mind special needs ever second we got to switch it we'll take some of the end of the story make that Patriot cuz this is the episode yeah this is the zingers in this one this is the show it's interesting come on it was a good

story but it was a good story it was having fun well I'll figure it out in the end saving the day you know we do oh I know what the political stuff we make the Patriots if you want to get mad and see some fucking spicy politics go to the Patriot who wants my Palestine is real take no one's not want to go get Ari Shafir Jew it's available right now Ari Shafir got yelled at by waters you can only hear about it exclusively on the Patriot we're gonna have a big week with Ari on Tuesdays with stories one normal up all zingers right now it was a week on episode where Ari tells a crazy story

about Roger water let's have everything leading up to it on here right exactly okay that story okay but by the way we're doing a trailer for no we're gonna we're gonna do the first 50 minutes of your story and then once you get you get you're about to hear the story and the story gets crazier so you're gonna want to sign up for the patreon because it's crazier and crazier and crazier and crazier and crazier and crazier by the way tell them the reason I'm here doing this for the guest well you're a heave I'm a heave I have a special out on YouTube everybody but you're gonna plug in a bunch in the episode later in

the episode but you gotta go up front nobody pays attention they already turned the heat me that's a girl you're part of the family it's called Jew Jew it's available on YouTube yeah very free and then get the algorithm going comment on there and you know what you know what I found that really helps a lot of these videos a lot of these female comics they have people say women aren't funny and then people debate and it shoots it up the algorithm I regret that so go on there and say Ari's not funny yeah yeah well they were gonna say that anyway but good idea yeah good point get a lot of those regardless you guys gonna take a

guess about how many episodes on our patreon have Ari featured you want to take a guess on that I gotta guess five six six I said six six I'm the one who said six oh wait there was one from the fat black four I'm saying five two three four five six seven wow that's a whole week it's gonna be nine because we're gonna do two this week so that's what what's some of the algorithm guesses a divisive or mean like or what's a slur for Jews there's so many that's not bad some anti-semitism flag it I make up a new one make up a new slur for this is all anti-semitic shit like that won't that help all these Jews think they're

so good they can say whatever right you know they run hot the only reason this is being made is because the Jews I went on your show to plug mine and we talked about not diversity and then a lot of people said not diverse enough and a lot of people did respond to be like how would it be more diverse it's just two guys because they got mad so yeah get some arguments go if anybody argues if see that weigh in on Irish if you're Jew on YouTube right now and just get the argument going more what about this LeBron or Jordan get that going really just a non-secular completely versus Jordan in the comments of Jew the

special Judaism a real religion all of these I'll just pick us thing and get fucking arguments going yes right LeBron or Jordan right LeBron is better than Jordan you fucking idiot you fucking idiots you know you don't want to admit it get him angry yes oh god we're late oh you guys got a hot double date how cute is this it's okay do you do a foursome at the end maybe we're on a train a little caterpillar and your caterpillar wife swap interesting oh I'm into wife swap but not a fair deal for my wife why would this hog down there you gotta fuck she's never felt balls

hit against her fucking neck during a fucking that was dark I got hard too long to swing the mattress man that ain't no cradle down there Adam Steve Tony tell him Steve oh Tony tell him Steve Dave you ever hear of tell him Steve Dave never heard of it all right have you heard of it no what's going to tell him Steve I have no idea it's I work for a podcast called tell him Steve Dave it's Quinn from a practical Joker's it's his podcast no one's ever heard of it a big patreon I've never heard practical jokers I've been on the practical Joker's cruise I did oh what do you mean so

you went on but they didn't what they did on advertising heard about it at the time or since never again in fact I haven't heard about it still damn just confused because you said I don't know what you guys are talking about yeah sounds like a bunch of Jew propaganda to me you think you'll get married to this lady there dude she wants to she told me that well the laws are changed now why not I mean you're really old you're a little gross she's very attractive I mean what why not yeah I don't care I really care about it but it's I don't care why don't you do it I just haven't thought about it oh it's like I didn't

either but I'm doing a queen she's doing it it's like whatever all right well we'll see what happens in a couple of years when those balls could even say here I guess marriage is don't think about it at all well it doesn't matter she is all right let her do it all right here she is ink what is Patton saying is the show back on how's the show not be on what's he doing he already scheduled it he's already selling tickets Paton said it felt like the show was gonna get the plug pulled but the venue really wants it to happen so it looks like it's on okay I was gonna pull the plug cuz he was overwhelmed yes ask for help doesn't

ask for help anymore it's hard as for help not that hard and it's hard to ask for help if like your dick fell off or your drug addict not for like hey we're putting together a show I see you know what I mean that's easy I think he wanted to do it himself he knows the guy I don't know I see well I'm flying down for even if it's just you me and Pat are you doing it I'm doing it you me and Pat show that's a hot one hot show I got a local host I don't know why is I can't promote anybody's name like why who plays New Orleans I will be with me we could put some bitches on you got me there you go Sarah will be there just like

some LA comics I mean New York comics will be on it I'm doing the joy it's giving yes is that an RE or an ER huh oh so you can't promote your retard or a theater oh I don't know some of these are ease I don't get what they're doing are ease so stop being try to be classy what's RE retard theater are you sure here are E it's called a theater yeah well they do theater it's like shopping oh two P's and an E who are they trying to prove yeah they're artsy get over yourself yeah do comedy relax if I can get there on Tuesday I'm gonna be part of this show but don't count on me but don't count on not me

right so hit what we have to do the kid Chuck just quit Chuck left he's not promoting or not promoting what we gotta do is get the joy totally sold out so then you can promote this is the problem New Orleans for me yeah I do a show it's it goes great and then they go hey tickets are moving you're a hometown hero do a second show so I go all right that sells out and that's all my MOOC high school friends of my aunt and uncles they come out and go you suck remember the time you shit yourself in fourth grade and fuck it that's exactly Key West I'm like now one show a night I'm just there for fun yeah shows it's

hard to draw in Key West all right it's like 11 people live there yeah I've been canceled no one's come see me whoa coming through all right Haruba these are the cupcakes that Jen made and wow she's a dog I'm a jet right dog shit yeah that's a good looking up horrendous chef these are a poor excuse peanut butter brown butter peen I don't know it looks a little miscarriage but I'm down I won't even go anywhere near this goddamn thing I have to if you want I can't Wednesday I can't have can't have sweets on Wednesday the frosting is key OCD deal for myself ten years ago I'm gonna get diabetes do

one day a week no no no sweet and I'm just kidding by the way of course you're beautiful and you're lovely and the one time you made those chocolates how long would they stay fresh unbelievable I want to do is take him to this movie then take it and eat him tomorrow on the train you can do that yeah I think so yeah okay that's what I'll do put him in a cup oh yeah she made him yeah like wow we're also going to dinner right now they're fucking they're good yeah they look at Jen we appreciate you I appreciate you I'm allergic to peanut butter and and chocolate so I told her I'm like Joe's not a new dessert guy yeah

I like chocolate chip ice cream and chocolate chip cookies and vanilla ice cream and vanilla cupcakes just I'm shocked that you're a fucking hot sauce dude you know I'm obsessed with Chipotle good point yeah we've gone out we went to Mexico together a record or we're the fuck you didn't have one Chipotle there no I wish they had Chipotle there yeah they don't have it they had a horse that's what I was at fucking great when we do an episode of you be tripping about Ecuador we got to available right now for subscription on YouTube on that was big when you went out there that was very exciting the only ones that went

everybody talked about everybody I'm gonna go I'm gonna visit I'm gonna shame's like I'll go through girl to be all we all will go to the beach come on out everyone tell me middle of the pandemic you couldn't come visit I'm gonna go to Ecuador when your friend set it up you just don't want to travel pre vaccine by the way serious shit cuz I remember getting off the plane the plan was empty post-hack scene what does that mean that's really hurtful really fit in his pockets I need to warm it up really warm it up very very hurtful I mean I would apologize sorry I like to apologize to people for

not saying earlier yeah the second half of this podcast is so slow bad it sucks such dick everything was sat in these seats and then I went and sat in these seats to now now I mean just turn it off now you got everything you need and one big fat boring story coming right up in just a moment but I remember getting off the plane and there was like the people and they look like back to the future to with the suits they had the what do you call it not the suit suits that's just the line from the movie which one I guess it's part one the plutonium suits and at the time I'd never even been tested I was afraid of

the test I was like oh my god fucking nostril brain and they were checking the temperature we were out in the jungle in Ecuador no vaccine you're like if we get it we're gonna die I remember James Patterson because I was in Key West right before yeah and James Patterson who's a nut being like Joe in all seriousness please be very careful what do you have to be careful what does that even mean well it's a third-world country isn't it or is it yeah it's our second world far better on the COVID thing than we were the worst numbers in the world I was like you want to have a kid in Ecuador like I'll be less like it to get it yeah you

guys are living outside you're on horses restaurants outside restaurant except the ones we went to in Cuenca boy that was fun god damn that was fun how was that flight by the way I got shit easy direct I got shit too because I told the story about the crazy fucking scary street folk out there people like you fucking piece of shit you're afraid of that just trying to live I'm like it's just like the homeless here there was just homeless people it's downtown Keto is not a great place at night uptown Keto beautiful we're in like a there was like a guy like lingering around this crime there there is that guy

was bad news I'm telling you and then people write to me like you piece of shit elitist asshole whatever you're the piece of shit you're so racist you think anyone's there is great they have homeless there too they have crime there to cry in a third-world country get out of here never heard of that go check out my special are you right now on YouTube.com I brought it to you it's free go make some fucking comments comments chicken better than Foster Farms Lenin McCartney the front of the shit show put it all in the comments yeah there you go find someone else from

a to find out some other Tuesday and start arguing with them yes you'll know who's doing it really start arguing Kobe or Ari Kobe Ari who's the better person that died years ago that's good Chuck or Shelby all right Nick Mullin whatever you think check it out get a fight started and the way to keep going here and this will cut right to the other part yeah Chuck's gonna take care of it yeah he's a human yes you hate Chuck but we like him here here we'll see at the wedding hey folks and we are also brought to you by Manscaped this holiday season I'll be giving thanks to our friends over at

Manscaped their performance package has it all the lawnmower 4.0 body trimmer and weed whacker nose and ear hair trimmer feature proprietary advanced skin safe technology to protect your delicate parts and holes both are waterproof so you can shave in the shower classy don't forget to apply their aluminum or aluminium if you're from London free ultra premium deodorant for that cologne quality scent on the go Manscaped is even throwing in two free gifts the Manscaped boxers and the shed travel bag the platinum package 4.0 covers all your bases from head to toe get 20% off and free shipping with the

code Tuesdays at Manscaped.com that's 20% off with free shipping at Manscaped.com and use code Tuesdays be thankful this holiday season for the best gift of all from Manscaped your balls will thank you let's get back to the show here here all right so you got a story I saw a photo you with Bernie Sanders and greatest fucking day of my life all right stories nervous is this gonna take up the whole pod yeah I think probably well I don't know maybe not we'll go back and forth how do you want to do it I'll try to rush it if you want but I could it's so much happened okay this day during an episode of her

podcast or a friend of mine young comic from Boston his podcast he's from out of Austin Joe Rogan doing with Brad Brad Cresher and and Tom Segura all four of us were sober for the month of October so we're like let's do a podcast so fun time already a fun time you know how Rogan treats it puts you up in a fucking great hotel never put me up one keep it keep it down doesn't fly me out first pictures not in the thumbnail all the time I got a middle of thumbnails I made that thumbnail got nothing but anyways great guy I love him great guy generous giving oh my god never stops giving never heard him laugh never got a bump

but I really put him over so I got the Ari shows on the patreon I could tell you what he's on all the but not a regular I don't see any regular apps that he was on besides like live episodes there you go okay I think we lied to you and said it was a real yeah I think that's how you got me in I said no to Bobby at some point it was like don't do my patreon like oh yeah sure I want to do come over there for a hundred listeners yeah yeah my point is subscribe for Bobby Kelly's patreon there you go that should be the law is when someone asked to do the podcast it should say how many regular listeners

they have yeah it reaches this or they'll be like we've had over 700,000 listeners like 15 years no I'm not doing it well sometimes you go to the reviews and they have like nine reviews of their podcast yeah and then they wrote them you can tell yeah not good they always get you on who else did it to like live shows the name did it like all right and you get there and you ask like what the fuck he goes yeah I didn't like it either and they all use you know who as the thing that's the first like everyone messages me and I'm like you have no idea how little value does every show like Norman did it and

like that's an argument against your show yeah exactly it's like a woman if I fucked her you don't want to fuck her yeah it would be something if you were like Joe Rogan did it he doesn't do any shows right but very generous giving generous nice hotel class all the way hundred oh just found out the the hundred dollar that gives you does not cover tip oh good to know yeah we've been blowing a lot of tip money oh we've been going like a 60 bucks tell man 40 bucks for you yeah you're right out of your wallet oh we got a yellow job and we gotta talk about waiter and get that money back yes hey man it's

misunderstanding I didn't mean to tip you this well you get it I've always split the difference okay good to know yeah no one knows what you're talking about but that's all right anyway so do the podcast great he says yesterday I interviewed Roger Waters I knew I just saved the story for this podcast from Pink Floyd of course I know Roger Waters what are you talking about big fan yeah huge Roger Waters so I saw him once Shane Moss got me tickets in like Rhode Island or something and he's got to see it I've seen it 20 times you got to see it takes a massive it's the best and we saw it and what a great show this was

five years ago yeah he puts on a different show every time but what a fucking wild show never stops to go like he is my version of what when comics get serious he does the opposite anything he has to say he says through song and through you know he has dressed up with with with torture mass on he makes this commentary wall your fucking tripped out on music now is he hit the hits is it we get money are we getting time are we getting well okay the one for five years ago it was a it wasn't the wall but it was a lot of those songs did another brick in the wall but we didn't do the whole wall I tried to go

see him with Diaz years ago a decade ago at Staples Center we took some acid went down there scout tickets couldn't get tickets the acids kicking in and we're like fuck and now we're just downtown LA the worst place in America yes why couldn't you get tickets we couldn't find anything good they said don't sit on the sides you can't see the wall and then we're like I fuck we can't we couldn't afford it they were like 600 bucks we're hoping to spend 200 right and it's somewhere and then we see stupid idiot Craig gas he's like how you guys do it and we're like good man he's like why are you going in like we're trying to get

tickets he's trying to talk to his normal we're fucking flipped out last thing we want to see is an impressionist I know and he's doing his act he's like this is what Jack Nicholson will be like if he couldn't get tickets and we're like is that Jack Nicholson we'd hang out a diner every time he finishes diner it's going off what is with you this is got worse it's a Pink Floyd story alarm oh my god it's getting worse you said it's a louder you didn't say it's off it's off anyway that's not even on the hour oh it is the yeah he goes interview Roger Waters two days ago very interesting guy changes his thing every set 112 shows

changed it on the 111 wow constantly changing it he goes tell you what Ari the other guys Bert and Tom we're all sober for October he goes they have to leave like that night I was gonna leave later that night I had a five o'clock flight back and he goes do you want to go tonight to Roger Waters and I was like well I I mean I can't I gotta I gotta flight back and he goes I'll just change up for you wow really books flights for people giving yeah I did it I had a great hotel it cost me 450 bucks but it was awesome our hotel is like 900 but not for us and the meal voucher meal voucher they use the black car for a

while stop it if you know stop at a restaurant it guys stays with all it's like Secret Service yeah 50 cents at the end of it I took a lift and had to do jokes for the guy because he thought that I was a comedian I got lifted up by the driver put me in my seat didn't have to climb up the chairs yeah cuz you have fucking dicks too fat five stars of David and I was like what I'm hotel room I already checked out my home is like that ain't a problem either man I'll just pay for another first-class hotel very nice generous that is nice but you guys you know so I'm like I don't know cuz you know how it is you're on the

road like we're on the road so much more now than we used to be oh yeah so what's on the day gone is it fills you with a little bit of anxiety hmm but I was like what am I doing yeah stand up comedian and I got tickets to see Roger Waters with some of my best friends 85 I think late 70s I think 79 your math wow Lupian the abacus math yeah 74 callback okay so so I'm like screw it screw it you can't curse in his pocket absolutely good I'm gonna go easy and so I was like he changed everything and I was like let's do it and now we're in sober October so I can't do anything and I'm like this is disrespectful it's

disrespectful I'm like I asked the guys I'm like guys you gotta give me a you gotta give me a one-time like is it disrespectful to Roger Waters to go not on acid no that you saying this is disrespectful the idea that you need not the Grateful Dead you don't need that's disrespectful I was massively into Floyd in middle school before I ever touched a drug or booze then I went and did drugs and alcohol I couldn't even appreciate Pink Floyd because I was a fucking idiot listening to like Ted Nugent or some horseshit and now I'm back clean sober every day it's disrespectful to the floyd is disrespectful

to acid to not join those two yeah your your brilliant art is only appreciated on on drugs oh it's an interesting argument yeah Tommy Chong's gonna come play you better fucking smoke some weed Tommy Chong hi I think is the other I think it's just different oh yeah why is he named Chong yeah why is he named Chong ah yeah maybe guys what are we doing what's happening what about what about Cheech yeah with Cheech but Cheech is Mexican Cheech man he's Mark Marin's dad over the wall hey that's back double thumbs up from Chuck back to the wall yeah build that do you think they'll try and break my balls so we got

with the idea this deal we gotta make we gotta work out we gotta burn 500 calories a day and we gotta do a hundred push-ups and I'm like guys what can you do for me I gotta have a religious exemption for this and you're still nice look at 11 more days of this shit now yeah wow as of this recording absolutely I build the wall skankfest was the worst oh I forgot you do it I saw soda at the pre-party and I was like how to sort of do it and so it was like he's wrecked on weed I'm like oh yeah yeah good point two words spirituality maybe you could appreciate some Floyd leave early what do you mean we stay oh you left early I

know I couldn't handle it really it's everyone's drunk I'm like this ain't my scene anymore no I left my midnight every night what yeah I couldn't stay everyone's fucked up I should be fucked up yeah that is tough I don't know how you do it problems so I asked for an exemption from the guys and they said if you add a hundred sit-ups a day then you can get a one-day one-time exemption that's totally worth it yeah a little unfair I don't feel like you did sober October let's be honest with one day off but I didn't couple it with any alcohol with weed just had a religious scroll so what are you talking what is that acid well

then I had to go on the hunt for some acid last minute so they go okay you got that exemption and then I got a fine acid in a strange city Austin Texas I hit up Tony hit up Duncan they're both dry wow dry Duncan never heard of that yeah he was like I'm out of ketamine I can't even fine acid what's going on it's inflation yeah and this is 3 p.m. we're getting picked up at 7 and I got to go on the hunt for some acid mm-hmm and I found some on the way to the to the venue really yeah I didn't get this hit broken security guy I'm like hey stop here I got to pick something up so he's like what where we're just on there was it the

fucking dealer met me he goes I just dipped this so it's wet oh boy oh dry it out a little first I'm drying it out in the air conditioner for the car I'm setting the fucking vents to dry out this fucking back six hits of acid wet I mean you can see it when I mean you gotta be careful because that your skin will absorb that right right so it's in so it's in a zip lock not a zip lock one of those drug bags you know the clear whatever inside tin foil right so you got to be careful that way for sure so what how does acid work it's literally an acid that you just lick you put it on a piece of paper it soaks up into the

piece of paper or you can do droppers I guess we're doing that we're sure cute yet dropping a short cube but I've only done it on paper or gel tabs hmm you never did acid no you oh yeah it's great I like shrooms better but sure it was fun they're both friends it's like liquor versus beer you're both in the bar yes here here yeah so anyway and I'm like who else gonna do it ask Rogan security guards kill two homeless people a month to say fresh yeah they think you're a junkie yeah exactly exactly so who's going to the concert me Rogan Tony Tony's girlfriend to security guards Duncan said he's got tickets from

the drummer from Pink Floyd I know he found tickets course he knows the course right of course Jamie was going I didn't know and Curtis was going to I didn't know he was gonna be there no no Tom no Bert no they let they were on the flight already they were gone you know they the private jets out of there sure guys couldn't take a day off what do you mean they were days a year good point so I'm like I got six it's an asset like Tony you're doing it no one would touch it I told Rogan I'm like hey I got six exemptions quote-unquote he goes sweet and then I get there and I'm like here's your ass it goes fuck that

where'd you find this and I'm like I found it goes no fucking way am I touching that I'm like would you think I met by exemptions he's like a 30 minute weed these are these guys who are just like they act cool but they're these nerds that don't do acid in their fifties you know what I mean I know exactly what I know exactly what you mean if he had done that Rogan would have a long ponytail bald true he would have the pony yeah yeah that's the kind of old man I want to be yeah well you are in fact I don't get have you seen your balls or face they were always saggy you can get a pony you got some back stuff yeah I might do that

when I go white I might get all sides pony you're a playground as close to 1968 carlin as you've ever been you got the tie-dye and you're carlin unlike him I'll never fly first class except when Rogan flies us out the only other man in that car who would touch the acid was Tony Hinchcliffe's girlfriend no Duncan now we learn with Duncan oh he went in main gate I guess I don't know so do you guys have these VIP seats and everything so yeah so so in the car Rogan took his exemption I don't want to rat on him but a little doopy-doop yeah he so he had to add an extra 500 calories a day or the he was like we could do an extra 100

push-ups my camera do a hundred push-ups as it is right that's embarrassing you could spread them out oh I do there you go and I was like dude he said he's just do ten at a time and I go it's funny that you think I could do 10 straight push-ups really I haven't worked out ever yeah that's appalling yeah yeah well yeah you know you're brittle you don't want to break something to do 10 push falling short 10 push-ups show us such a man yeah you see yeah classic all right so you're on acid so I took the acid card went in me and Tony's girlfriend did he's like I don't know it's not the right time like there's no better time yeah

this is the right time mother should I build the wall yeah so we took it perfect time they wouldn't let us oh so funny we got the backstage we wouldn't let us in at all we're at the loading docks we get through to the loading docks some some some kids like hey you can't get in goes you sure we're supposed to be here with Joe Rogan's entourage we talked to cut every time I talk to the cops security guard that Rogan security details like hey lower that acid from the fucking window still fucking felony one yeah put it between your legs and I was like all right we're like the guys I can't get in you don't have laminates

and he's like we're supposed to be here he goes if you're on laminate you can't get in he called the guy was like tell him Jim he goes hey Jim said was was again just right this way sir wow go down there Rogan's on a fucking cavalcade from his daughter's fucking volleyball game black traffic fucking police cars he shows videos police cars are fucking escorting him down you think it's a fucking president or a fucking national tragedy or you think it's a pedophile getting whisked out from a girl's volleyball huh yeah relapsing yeah yeah yeah from the volleyball holy shit so he meets us there it's great so we got to

get in there we got to covid test they're very strict about it we go into this green house is not kicking it yeah I love they shut down the road to just clear a path and then like we'll go to test he owns that town that's that owns it and why do you need a covid test there it's just waters now just Roger waters he's asking to be backstage you need a covid oh yeah cuz he's that old and he's just into that he's into he's a very political guy okay but he says it through his music anyway so they give us two options for seats they go listen you guys can I just sit I'm doing push-ups in the fucking in the green room there

people are why like what he's what's this idiot doing I've tried my best you're doing sit-ups trying to get him going Rogan's giving me advice and I do sit-ups yeah yeah I really am I doing this right I wouldn't say that yeah yeah not kicked in yet we're fine okay he goes two options for seats he goes there's a quad there's a quadrant big screen goes so you can sit up a little bit in the stands and you're dead on you see two of the quadrants or you can sit down near the sound booth that's alone no one's gonna touch you or behind a behind a rope no one's even going down there really kind of like where the fighter

with a comic set for UFC yeah like away from everybody else okay and I go listen I'd rather sit he goes there's no bad seats but the seats up in the stands are the best seats okay dead center now about acid though you don't know if it's gonna be a wackadoo you don't know if it's gonna be chill if it's funny if it's goofy if it's absolutely you have no idea I didn't get how strong of these just like some acid okay so so I go listen I'd rather be up there but I'm not a fucking nationally known comic you know he's bothering me the CNN's not coming after me yeah I get it good point but I'll for me if it's my vote I'm

going up there and Joe's like to his credit he's like yeah all right maybe we should go up there so we start walking we go and he goes by the way these are the seats we're walking past right now that are like the alone seats and Joe's like yeah we're staying right here I knew it he loves the alone I get it on the floor we're on the floor but past like the pit and all that he's playing in the round to oh he's going to different sections you know the black chick behind of his voice you know Roger Waters he's always got some black chick blown her voice out going Roger's waters since you know you hear that

music you hear that music okay anyway so he goes side to side it's great he gives it up for Rogan before the fucking show wow by the way Austin I talked to one of yours today this week Joe Rogan and I had a nice conversation holy shit yeah I kind of have expected make and he's a big it yeah yeah he just they got along the people did he mention you he didn't mention so we're like this is fucking cool now it's kicking in what is the kick in sound like is it as the stage melting what's happening you got a hand going emotional and it's and shit's going there's so much it starts out with Reagan like we brought a light

onto the nation's it's old video we brought a light on this we brought peace to the world on the concert yeah I thought you made a trip green and then he goes 100,000 dead in Guatemala and he goes war criminal he goes to all the residents on why they're war criminals the crowds going up and down he's like fucking Obama drone strikes war criminal hey everybody we're cutting the story there but you're gonna want to hear the conclusion this Thursday on the Tuesdays with stories patreon we're gonna do another 40 minutes with Ari he's gonna come and he's gonna tell this whole story about meeting up with Roger

Waters after the fight they got into and the stuff we didn't want to put out in the main episode so tune in this Thursday patreon.com slash Tuesdays you know the sign up for our patreon is only three dollars you get everything including a bonus episode every week at free