Tuesdays with Stories! - #479 Wedding the Bed

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

The boys are in New Orleans for the wedding of Mark Normand. As Joe and Mark share a bed, they talk about the trip, the plans, the secret show they're about to do, and Mark's final night as a single man. Our Stuff:  - patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code TUESDAYS for 20% off and free shipping. - Try Blue Chew for free at http://www.bluechew.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 15% off your first order by visiting https://www.getfirstperson.com and use code Tuesdays - Use code THANKFUL25 at https://mizzenandman.com

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy talking into the phone not the microphone oh hello hello New Orleans the big easy Crescent City with the only thing easy is getting robbed this city socks it's a dangerous time

it's cool central I mean this is where you come they play an instrument they tap dance they hit a bucket they tell a joke Chuck and I just got cucked right out in the street and if my last moments are with Chuck heaven help me I can't have it I'm just with I'm jogging across the street and fear with a guy wearing dungaree jacket I'll protect you I'll protect you terrified yeah you don't want to go down like that we just get to cool I mean right across the street the guy the guy's jogging over can I ask you a question let me ask you a question and I just went oh we were like Jerry and Kramer running from the

Gamos but that's the smart just get out of there if anybody ever goes I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes don't bite I'm not the kind of guy that bites for that I run that one I need to know where I see no he goes up you guys I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes and your head you're going your ego kicks in you go you don't know where I got my fucking shoes fuck this guy you don't know about Aldo or British Knights or whatever the fuck and you go I bet you don't and he goes on your feet and you go and then he goes give me a hundred dollars oh I think you're saying he cuts your feet off and takes and

everyone talks about New Orleans the food you got to have the food I'll tell you what this food is shit did you at least get the cage and chicken no I got a Uber eats double quarter pounder medium well I get a couple fries scraps left oh you got some fry I'll take them you got them there's always a couple of them smell fantastic divorce hold on let me go I bet you got a frying there's always a fried out there hold on I think I touched your dick hold on he could have hold the bottom yeah I'm not one fry I feel like the movie the diner was that diner with the popcorn oh yeah what's that guy's

name he's good big orange village yeah yeah he's too noisy gonna be their cars gonna shoot it's not one fry in there telling you what this fries hold up the guy but the driver ate them I should deliver pizza I ate about a thousand breadsticks here they are haha that's a ketchup packet I tell you felt around I had no a fry when I feel it whoa jackpot whoo hard as a rock whoo gotta have the local cuisine when you come down first things first you gotta have it and then and then they got a great coffee here as you know cafe the Starbucks yeah well you hit all the local spots yeah anyways

it's good to be here you're getting married George Costanza oh yeah is getting married we had a packed no champagne big you know what no champagne how you feel I mean this is it this is the last how you feel in where it was less than 48 hours I know well it's such hell with the planning and the the meeting and the hanging you know like here's what I don't get mm-hmm you know the ladies like not a lot I would expect play we're gonna go hang out with these people we're gonna have brunch with them and you go okay okay and then you go I think we're going to have brunch and I go I'm gonna go back like oh we're all going to this

bar I'm like well I haven't showered today I like I woke up you wake up and just hit the ground running mm-hmm and they go well you're not gonna come with us and I go I don't want to and then they get mad about that you don't want to but I'm like you don't want to go either that's what it is keep in mind by the way it's Tuesday nobody's even here yet your parents and your grandparents and your grandparents grandparents I mean there's gonna be all kinds of people yeah and I assume most of her family's not in yet no they're here oh the whole gang the whole gang and they're at the hotel with us so you can't you can't shake them you

bump into one at the courtyard now you're hanging out all week boy that's that's rough I feel for you but this is what I did my wedding and you were there I just latched on to Derek I was like this is my best friend he flew in so I'm with him oh yeah the rest of people can just fend for themselves you got a latch I know no latch yeah you can't you need like a long lost bud who's in town right to use as your latch key well the problem is my home base is been invaded with family like my home base I there's no escape so when you have no escape as you know an introverted weirdo comedian you're like I feel infiltrated I feel like

I can't relax yeah it's it's it's tough and it doesn't end and then Friday when do you when do you when are you done here I go back on the 14th what is that Sunday I think that's Monday oh geez I know it never ends maybe I'll die yeah probably if you walk around for a couple minutes you might die I'm shitting bricks out here I forever resent your wife we could be doing this on Cape Cod Boston Cambridge whatever Chuck's house we could be a Manhattan forgot the resentful text like I so I got to fly in I got to get a place what play you know the amount of questions and the the remorse people have the anger well not

so easy on our end either I bought my wife a ticket she's sick she's puking up come yeah I'm getting this question now what are you getting for Mark what are you getting for the thing I'm like getting gifts I'm like getting it's like a hack bit but I'm like I spent $75,000 getting in here this room is 800 bucks a night and there's seven homeless people peering into the window yes peering by the way we have to get a shot of this I'm on the first floor literally level with the ground yeah with glass doors literally a pane of glass no frame no guard nothing hobo Joe can just stroll in it's terrifying he could fall in like

Paul Pelosi oh god but anyways so yeah I got a year to get you a gift oh yeah that's what I heard and it's not coming so just be ready I understand well you showed up here and you came on my back and a speech I'm giving a speech I've been shitting my brains out I'm terrified well I heard you doing a poem big poem oh it's gotta be you doing a poem wait who told you that you did are you doing a poem I found a nice poem something nice something befitting oh you took a poem I added my own stuff to it I put jizz and same in there you get a quiff in there for you yeah I gotta tell you I'm very strapped I was in

therapy bringing it up I'm like Alan you got to hit me straight here what do I do I can't give a speech and he's like okay you're pussy yeah yeah that's what he told me yeah but yeah he thank you for telling about the wedding because he sent me a nice message oh it's funny because for a guy you didn't tell him about the wedding I don't bother the guy but he's like you know I brought this up to the lady on accident which was a huge mistake but he's like wrote this long text like you're facing your fears I know marriage is scary I know your anxiety ridden and I told her I'm like yeah what a nice therapist you know he

told me how I'm scared and I'm pushing through and I have a lot of courage she's like what do you mean courage like well this is terrifying marriage she's like why would this be terrifying it's a love fest that I'm like well that's the rest of your life still death you know divorce you know adulthood responsibility and she was like why is that scary and then here we go ah geez good times boy it really feels like this is a mistake yeah well the whole the whole system the whole notion of marriage is just retarded I'll put the system on trial I know well I mean how about this I mean like my wife she's

of it down sick as a dog I hate that bad sick as a dog so I'm down here doesn't it feel like I should be able to fuck this is a romantic getaway nice hotel yeah and I'm at the singles table now and you're in the hot hotel this is a sexy big big ticket item you're in here I know I got a nice hotel I got nice bath robes and you know I make a fair amount of cash I'm funny I'm charming you're a catch yeah the teeth are tough and I don't want to go with the forehead and the gangly yeah but but you're at the show tonight we're sold out I mean you could be crowd surfing and get fingered I could smash some

puss and I feel like that's only fair hey you shouldn't have got sick yeah but you know marriage wedding the whole thing by the way speaking of sex and marriage I don't know if you heard about this yet Sarah tweeted something so it's been teased oh boy we're up in Hartford Connecticut Manchester Connecticut which is the only place worse than New Orleans if you ask me well Syracuse is up there yeah that's a good point all right Syracuse Manchester New Orleans all right there's one of these ones funny bone you do four shows and I'm at this weird spot where I can sell some tickets but not all the tickets sure so

we do early show Saturday if you came to the early show Saturday at Hartford funny bone I mean you saw a pearl a gem a hot jewel hot good hot one to get you through that weekend I had this by the way we you know you ever have this thing with consciously the whole time you're like I gotta listen to this I'm hot tonight I'm on I'm riffing I got crowd work up I got some new stuff I tried I riff some lines I'm like this is the one that's gonna really sync up this new really tighten it wow you get off stage and it says recording two minutes 41 seconds well I've had that phone the phone was full my dad was full it comes

something happened yeah two minutes and 40 so I literally have me being like Hartford funny bone boy it's Manchester really right now you're a bad time when you're not Hartford but you say your heart that's the recording the crowd is like and so I'm fucked now I feel like I can't get back to where I needed to be that's the worst so that's you probably got a phone call a phone calls what usually doesn't know because I went airplane mode I think it's just my phone is full I have 48,000 photos literally I take too many photos I'm a big queer it was the radio alarm separate knob why separate knob damn that sucks and then

you go hey you guys do video here you know sometimes the club has a video system and they go what do you get against Hartford no they went we forgot to turn it on I swear to God I bet it's a projector it's a monkey back there with the curtain and the big crank I was and I was riffing and in the middle of like the ending the lady was like why'd you wear red shoes and I go red shoe with dismounting what are you talking about and then she says what do you love Dorothy and then she always said I said she said that she said you look like Wizard of Oz geez and I said well those are ruby and they're slippers and that kind of

laugh it was like one of those hot crowd yeah yeah and I and then she said something in a British accent I was like did you just turn British and I was getting laughs and that was the whole thing and I said you don't even call them sneakers you call them trainers yes trainers and then I did a thing it was great trust me I believe it I believe damn personal trainers that's a bummer ah then you of course you do a shit box show and that's all on tape that's all on tape but what started this journey Friday late show I'm on stage and just a regular night good good crowd which you don't hear every day for Friday late

but this was good and I say something something you know paid someone to have sex and I hear from the back how much I go what she was how much would you pay to have sex and I go well I can't see you it's very bright but I'll make an offer after the show please do whoa and I go okay whatever I do a couple more jokes and then something later on she goes well you should have said you came already and I went what is that she goes I came already whoa I go hey I'm getting hot and heavy up here we're kind of having that flirtatious laughy thing sure and then I go oh boy I'm getting there I blocked the light I go you looks like you have a

guy there who's not too pleased and then he says don't worry about me man oh meaning like we swing exactly and then she's like don't you don't need to worry about him he's cool boy you're in the mix so I go well this is interesting after the show I'm selling the t-shirts sold out thanks everyone that hey all right was that a what's his face Paul Paul Paul's boutique hit the body Paul and Mary pied the body and so I'm sitting there selling the shirts fans taking photos and I get the elbow from Sarah and goes hey Joe these these two folks have invited us to come back to their hotel how'd they look girl was pretty

attractive okay a full-figured gal not fat not fat voluptuous voluptuous all right I'll take it oh honky and she had a yes and then she had a guy who looked a little pie-eyed but handsome but he was like a little bit like this and they walked right up to Sarah and said hey listen we want to take you home it's his first time and we want to show you the thing and Sarah goes well we're married she goes perfect that's great why don't you come and I went hey listen where we're sober folks if I had a couple drinks she's like have a couple drinks and they were really like kissing and rubbing they were going up oh boy and

she was like touching Sarah and really grabbing her wrist by the way I've been married a while I'm a little you know you know me still the same old G but a bit low-key I was ready to dabble yes dabble I'm like who cares we're together yeah let's go over there let this fucking cross-eyed pie-eyed methodic pound you a little bit you're okay with that yeah I get little you know chubby suit a fucking suck me off sure a funny bone we'll be there for 15 minutes we're sober we can draw oh my god a truck just drove into the hotel she's the same they can see it here jerking off anyways I'm into that too

all right so I I'm looking at Sarah being like yeah of course we can't unless we did yeah and she was like what do you know I think she's mad at me I think that's why she's sick to her stomach still maybe that's it well what happens in Manchester stays in Manchester you know that's that's the devil's taint out there that there's no rules yeah I mean I whatever you're gonna do but I was I was flattered and I'm like I put it in the old spanker bank because sure I'm like I'm gonna think about this tonight I'm like yeah they wanted to eat you out whatever and it was hot now here's the clinker is the the beauty of

the the times we're living in is you can go look that that plus size gal in the rascal scooter you can look her right up you can find her on the instas and the tiktoks and the only fans but we didn't exchange names I don't know how to find her I'd have to type in like funny bone late show nice cans sexy swing the problem is that the husband was he was a little banged up he looked like he was like yeah man like or or just life had done him dirty I think I'm probably both but I think just booze boozed up so he was a little legless but you know I could I could have swung around and upside I am pineapple that thing oh yeah hey folks

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why don't we fuck the the comedians well I got a theory about Connecticut I always got laid in Connecticut and the story I had the old story I do a bit about it now I did a bit about it in the past with this woman was fucking me calling me a nerd she's like yeah you fucking nerd I remember that and the woman that said am I now in my act that says if you don't come I'm gonna be pissed that was all the same woman in Connecticut I got laid all the time in Connecticut I don't know what it is about central Connecticut well Connecticut is a weird place because it's not New York but it's not Boston but it's still

Northeast but there's not much going on there there's Bridgeport which is like the wire and then there's Dawson's Creek over here at a I don't know Fairfield well yeah it's really America because you have Yale you have I guess I think people sort of I kept saying this on stage it's it's very much like America itself because people have this idea of pearl necklaces sweater around the thing the ocean the big Yale sweatshirt loafers and like the bushes yes whatever yes but then you have Bridgeport Hartford New Haven these real kind of shit holy places dicey hmm yeah yeah you go one block this way go one block that way and it's

hell on earth but Yale is beautiful oh great campus it's not unlike New Orleans aha I can't sleep here yeah this is a tough spot you might want to go the second floor at least I gotta ask cuz they were like we wanted to accommodate the queen size but then my wife didn't come it would be so easy for me to walk over here and knock at night oh that's true yeah that would be funny that would be funny except when you try to walk home and you get stabbed this bit wasn't a great idea yeah your Chuck's Hotel by the way I'm telling you what it you can't believe it you got to go see it you got to walk through it really we're

having fun over there the pool is a place to be I heard though pools packed across the street yeah the pool at Chuck's Hotel literally looks like what's it called starts with the bee Paul Tom Boogie nights it looks like Boogie there was two heavy weights like clung to each other floating there's a hot tub literally the size of a bathtub with one guy need a big floaty toy literally a tub yes yeah sitting in it like just like this take a hundred percent of it and then there's like it looked like Dallas Myers Club it there was a guy I mean a woman who was a guy at some point like a square jawed dude looking

person Harry liked the whole thing got it like a big lacy bra with big cans a real Elliot Page which I'm not shitting on I'm proud you do do what you got to do yeah do look like a lady it's a sight sure it is a sight and you do a double take and then when they're shirtless or tanning or pool side it's a whole another bag of hammers yeah it's a we're having a good time I'm fitting right in it's a squattery party drug play I mean it's like everyone's got the thousand-yard stare over there right see Chuck and Jill he can slide right and DM me and mark me and mark have spent some time together yeah you you you got

your McDonald you got your Starbucks and you got your floor level room with a hobo access hey I gel I was willing to fuck a crazy drugged out couple three days my friend I'm here I'm here aren't I and Chuck is this is the difference between us this is the difference I'm not full of shit Chuck is shitting his pants I'm having a good time he's scared to death it's it's crack head central over there and hey I'm walking through I'm walking here I'm walking yeah but I slap five with everybody I gave a big can he's trying to produce a podcast with them he's trying to do tell him shelly Sean or whatever the fuck

well they just chuck he looks like a bassist in some vasidiko band too you could you could blend right in with your jean jacket on he's got a jean jacket and camera equipment they're like oh finally we made it shoot a music video yeah they're not gonna kill him right I've been all over this land 44 states and 29 countries wherever you need to go I've eaten well and reindeer and pussy you know the same day oh wow that's a big day and the whale of the pussy and the reindeer smell the same but Ari's gonna come in here are you gonna bar's gonna buy you're gonna put a crown on and he's gonna eat a king cake and then wear a

g-string he's gonna walk right down bourbon will we get in a king cake oh yeah yeah when I can't wait for Ari especially Chuck I want I can't wait for someone to knock that fucking stupid grin off his face it's gonna happen when he's walking about he's gonna walk by the way the sun's going down buddy boy you're walking home with a fucking wheeler bag luggage I've walked this route 900 times this week it'll be fine you tell is about being mugged in your living room and shit true but I was young all right that would be fun for the wedding story Chuck up mugged we didn't make it to the wedding the hospital the

only sober one so you're gonna be straight as an arrow whereas Chuck is gay as the day is long I'm gonna be in the trunk of an uber on the way to the show and back that's true I smuggled some Xanax and I hope I show up in the show and Chuck has just fucking two tissues up his nose and two black telling you we got cucked a second ago broad day what do you do it just came jogging up I wanted to find out what the question was right here put my lap out don't even bother don't humor yeah you think the comments on YouTube are bad he's seen the show all right anyways I've said too much so any advice you've

been married you've had a wedding I went to the wedding it was fun any advice they always say hey you're gonna fly by you're not gonna you're gonna see everyone and no one yeah drunk you get you don't get to eat it's gonna be a whirlwind I find a lot of this that's like anything else people you go to Paris everybody's rude it's crazy then you go there everyone's just fine I agree what are you talking about it's funny I'm like I'm talking too much you take over the news ask the question so curious because you you have experience with this I mean I first wedding it's I don't know I talked to people but we

dance I mean you were at my wedding we don't socialize we're we're dancing people yeah a lot of dancing we were on the dance floor a hundred percent of time which is a nice way to avoid all the small true we never literally never left the dance floor at any point during our wedding yeah I might I might suggest yes but there's that it's tricky because you want to just hang out with your friends and I don't know your wife that well I don't know if she wants you to be hand-in-hand arm-in-arm like my wedding was like a four-day event I was never with Sarah she was off with her family and I was off with Derek and the

cops and we just kind of met back up that's the dream she's pretty low-key so I don't know if May is gonna be like you get over here why aren't I seeing you come here but to me I got my whole life yeah this is everyone I ever loved in one spot well that's a strange thing about ladies and I'm generalizing here you queefs your labia is but what's interesting is she'll be like where are you and I'll send her a photo of me with my niece on my lap and she's like okay but if I was at a bar with you she'd be like what the fuck right so I'm not a little you're not allowed to have fun as long as you're doing something you don't

enjoy they're alright maybe but that's that's that's life yeah my advice I mean if you're drinking go slow because some of these people I was sober when it came time for my wedding but some of these people like I've heard people do coke out their wedding and they drink yes you don't want to be hung over the day after your wedding you don't be in a blackout right right so I would pace yourself with the drinks try to be in the moment as much as you can the thing about a wedding is it's everybody you love in one place so special I couldn't stop crying I was like on the dance floor crying I was just so emotional

because you love all these people well I looked over Griffin was dancing and like Ira Proctor's dancing and it's a good mishmash of all the people throughout many years of your life in different stages in your life yes all in one place and now we're all doing the watutsi I told you my dad was like talking to my mother he was like how many people have stayed in our house he's like that guy remember him he's staying we got up to like 35 people had slept at my parents that's fun it's a special day and I don't know I would say go slow and enjoy it it's fun here here yeah I'm trying not I'm gonna try not to get too drunk as

your first instinct or mine is like just numb at all with with tequila that's still my first instinct yeah so I got to push through I've done I've already done that today yeah it's double tonight I can't wait and that's the thing too is don't get too far ahead right now it's just we got a show tonight yes it's gonna be fine you me Pat and Chuck Doug key right I can't wait yeah Andrew young blood young blood young blood may you the butler Chuck you coming my buddy Ron oh you're filming make a little something cuz I'm kind of behind the scenes video for patreon next they know you're filming all right well you know

filming we'll set them a little text yeah maybe all right and I heard that the green room is huge big green room that's a legendary play you guys gonna love it it's this old wooden it's like a CBGB nice all right old Rockwell I went to a show there on Monday my friend goes we're going to a concert at tippetina's I said let's go and it was called shovel and dirt I don't know that's a band yeah maybe give that a gook shovel and something shovel and stone I don't know but I was like ah here we go and I had a blast I forget this is going to a concert is a good time being live music is the best it's the way you feel it I

was I was the douche filming it I was like this is great the band was so good I never heard of him that's so fun I was at the cellar last night and know him and his band was playing they're on yeah it's so cool well that I don't love but no it's awesome shovel shovels and dirt shovel there is shovels and dirt maybe that was there that sounds like an ice cream place it's not a great name shovels and dirt sounds like a shallow grave maybe maybe I'm wrong let's see back hoe and did soil I'm scared to go there I got taken uber oh you definitely wouldn't do it's a ten minute drive okay good take the street car if you're feeling

frisky shoveling rope shoveling rope there you go that's how I'm gonna kill my wife shovels and rope and rope oh I see so it's like a murder thing probably yeah shovels do oh man and woman it was like a Janice Joplin II kind of thing it was a good time when I think folk do I think Janice Joplin they were they were hardcore like they started out all you know cute and ballady and then I just got to like you know the lady went nuts oh that sounds fun it was a good time so where did you come from where did you go where did you come from what's going on hit me I haven't seen you I don't know you know we have a no

play list at the wedding because the band is like very eclectic they can play Brutal Mars to letter Cohen okay and Marilyn Manson the system of a down syndrome but we said nope no we don't want any Katy Perry no Taylor Swift none of that horseshit so that cotton I Joe is number one on my list of not to play well you got to be careful because my wedding Saturday night got mad because like I said we were all over the dance floor and we said specifically we had a DJ and I was like I don't want any like wedding DJ things yes those kind of people and then all of a sudden everyone was singing living on a prayer right

I don't know what the fuck is this it's hack Mike McCrae said the funniest thing because at one point my family played American Pie which is one of my favorite songs the big song our family loves singing but I'm like this is a nine minute ballad right right it's literally like long long time ago and I'm like you ruined the party I know and then Mike McCrae goes go up and tell them anyone with a Boston accent in a mustache can't request songs because you got people going up there going oh you know what's and some people are like yes there's like a group of three that has a thing they're like every time we get together

but you're like well there's 250 other people here son of an onion yeah there's some bad tunes out there so are we gonna be dancing is it gonna be there's a backcourt you're we got a hot hot band boy they are piping hot and they're gonna be cruising it's like one of those 28 piece bands with like the guy with the the maraca guy the harmonica guy the fat black lady in the middle sling and belting it out exactly and yeah so we'll eat we'll drink we'll be merry what's the food yeah chicken nuggets fries a little Wendy's if you want but it's gonna be gumbo it's gonna be shrimp creole it's gonna be crawfish ate to

boys oh boy you name it you don't like a poll oh boy it's a sandwich oh god yeah parm po boy we got oh we got your mac and cheese and I think we got you mashed potatoes I know but is it mac and cheese with like fish in it and shit yeah yeah some crawfish oh yeah everyone else I love it well I'll sneak you in a you know a McRib or whatever what times the wedding can I eat before eat before eat before you go bro just a double double quarter-pounder with cheese oh that's the wedding that's the thing about McDonald it doesn't keep you can't keep McDonald I've tried this burger later and boy that a quarter-pounder is a

piece of garbage after that Chuck's like just eat every 54 hours I don't know why confused so where you been oh well we flew it on Sunday I got his first class I got us by the way Sunday I'm flying in I did Albany all weekend Albany funny bone not bragging and we drove the beauty all but you should drive back Saturday night oh yeah we had a great moment we did the show hot show and I ran down the escalator in the mall out to the car started up I was in New York in two hours that's what I do the same thing from Hartford we drive at the same time back from our gigs oh that's right how about that how about that

great moment to the lady at the opening funny bone the manager's a hot hot number and she was chasing me out the mall with her paycheck I forgot to get paid I go whoop thank you and then I ran out the door got in the car and almost hit a deer oh driving on left lane highway 85 drunk deer is in the right lane just whoa you know if that deer would take two steps he'd be on the grill yeah forget about it oh yeah big GMC logo right on his ass and my the guy Marcus Monroe he was opening he was like damn great job with the deer I was like I just went straight I didn't dodge it I didn't swerve I didn't juke just went

straight luckily he stayed in the right lane but we got home then went to bed daylight savings gain an hour and we go ah the marathon oh you got to watch up that marathon marathon and I go well luckily we're flying out of Newark you know that's the other side of town the marathons all Brooklyn pipes Queens Staten Island check the app LaGuardia oh come on so I Google how do you get to LaGuardia from the West Village that's the beauty I can Google a 28 mile sentence and that somebody else has asked it yes you know and I go how do I get to LaGuardia from the West Village during the marathon and one guy goes

you're fucked and then the other guy goes it's fine and it was completely fine okay we got there 22 minutes no no if-ans or anal and we flew out first class got picked up at the airport great time and now you're here and you've just been lounging I've been lounging I've been drinking too much just to get through it I'm meeting uncles here and it's hate an uncle hate an uncle say uncle that's what I say when I meet too many family members I give up you know it's fun as Sarah's whole extended family lives in South Africa Australia I've never met a single one of them you're lucky I met two parents and three

siblings that's it get rid of them even her friends they're like they're cool and hot it's like five of them wow yeah that's perfect you don't have to you don't have a huge you know group to me it's not a big family tree no I'm on the other end it's fine we're like we're switched yeah well you see southern I'm New England so I'm like this is my uncle Sully this my uncle uncle Steve just a lot of uncles and cousins yeah and and comedians yeah yeah that's better yeah we got a big group we got a big web web of lies but so we're here it's it's weird because you're on the plane and here's the only good thing about a

wedding all of it's a lot of work whatever thing the one thing good about a wedding aside from the love of the matrimony and till death the hell's a matrimony I think we're on one comfortable matrimony but you go hey we got a wedding people go oh geez sorry you need a free meal we got champagne at the restaurant they were like you get married they brought a champagne I'm gonna do this all the time I want you also yeah it's hand and foot where do you get in that honeymoon you tell me you're on a honeymoon it's free hot dogs free McDonald's free Pepsi for Starbucks and like the tilt yeah but it's your party

that's the nice thing it's like when you shoot a special but it's even bigger you can get if you need someone you can go hey Chuck go get me a pair of shoes hey you know you know Ari blow me whatever I thought that knows it'd be hard to suck you yeah my dick's not long enough to get past it but also the other good thing is you get honest stuff you know I got Sam going hey we gotta have a meeting I go meeting I mean I'm in wedding mode he goes oh my god I'm so sorry do what you gotta do yeah that's pretty good so that's nice yeah hey the meeting clan but yeah we're we're here we're clear I just want to get through it while this son

really went down I know Chuck Chuck is in deep shit that's here I'm staying here I'm happy to have you sleep here sleep standing up like a horse did they sleep standing up I don't know you're seeing a horse Nate has that bit about the dead horse some animal does like a cow or something sleep standing I've never seen a cow sitting right have you I don't know how it sits when it's gonna rain is that right that's the old adage cows are sitting you say it's gonna rain it's interesting something like that all right I don't know if a cow sitting that's bad milk can't trust it well let me tell you about my travel oh please so what

by my way Chuck I feel like we've been going for the six days 35 over halfway it says most four-legged herbivores cows moose rhinos bison and horses can doze lightly on their feet but they have to lie down to sleep they do lie yeah they have a nap you can stand up with a nap I saw the donkey show and the donkey was feet was right in the air and they jerked it off and the lady rode it wow yeah it was it was pretty traumatizing I thought it'd be fun we were you know 18 year old well retards I figured Denver it stood up and she jacked it off she jerked it off to get it hard so now the legs are up the dick is up and she sat

on it jackass so she like sat on like like like like having dick wow like missionary yeah well you know like a reverse donkey girl that's bizarre yes but it's an attraction I mean we were in a barn with about 1800 guys were all hard they're all waving money it was like out of a movie wow you're doing the pot in the bed it's tough I'm ready for a couple weeks I could take a Z I'll tell you that two twinks in a couple weeks Chuck shit in his bed don't let him fool you he keeps looking out there he's terrible I'm excited for the future walk it I will I tell you right now I'm not setting foot out here I'm walking all

the way back home it's a walk we're having fun maybe I'll walk with you but I haven't showered yet I get a shower could you guys help me bathe yeah well baby I mean I could if you wanted to I could get an Uber at my place and come pick you up that's not bad a double lube I don't care whatever you want double lube well we'll figure it out not down there hey folks Tuesday stories brought to you by man scaped I love it I actually trimmed up my stash today if I give my stash grows out to I look like a fucking Cuban knife salesman the performance package has it all the lawnmower 4.0 body trimmer and weed

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bluetooth.com code Tuesdays to receive your first month free visit bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information thank you bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast yeah anyway speaking of it's four it's five 38 today we got plenty I got a shower as well you wake up with this town they go and she's going what do you know that my mom's down so we're getting breakfast I go that's 8 30 what are we doing here yeah it's tricky can't wait till it's over yeah and then it really starts ah what is the thing about the ladies pretty the last thing I'll say about women is instead of getting instead of being

different they get angry let me let me explain please okay you know you go they go you gonna go we're gonna go with my mom to dinner and I go ah really and she goes you don't want to go with my mom and I'm like no why would I want to go hang out with your mom your mom's great but I can't say quiff and whatever so I don't I'd rather sit in my underwear and watch TV and she goes you'd rather do that than have my mom like yeah and she's upset I'm like well that's just how I am it's how about maybe oh boy I feel like I'm digging a hole but do you see what I'm saying instead of being like she's she should accept you for who

you are yes yes except you can't just get mad about who I am and think I'll change because this is who I am how about you you you could go okay well that you don't have to go but she's actually more mad that I don't want to go than the fact I'm still gonna go but she's like I want you to want to go I'm like but that's just not me I want you to want to fuck Chuck but yeah she doesn't want to fuck Chuck that makes two of us yeah and that is literally it just the two of you yeah that's about it I hear you I hear what you're saying but yeah they wanted to they want you to want they want you to want to hang out with the

mother but the mother's maybe not as fun idea sure sure because you can't jerk off in front of her mother unless you pair yeah she ain't cheap so yeah it's tricky but but that's that's life and marriage that's my love and marriage goes together like a horse and carriage brother that's the local gentry and they will say it's Ella man tree try try try maybe we'll sing with the band barbershop yeah yeah that was on love Mary with children Mary with children I never cared for that program I liked Belvedere fountain that was cool who that's the beginning in Chicago Christina Applegate has MS no they just kind of said it

recently no MS yes it's like she put up a picture or somewhere and she's like here's my cane I have MS my new life like she was she's a good actor she's funny and anchorman wait a minute I met that's the one with it prior had MS yeah it's rough whoa you just get that bless you what do you what do you do is that from smoking diet coke I heard I think it's one of the same aspartame now that'll get you that's what I heard as burger it's one of those aging things you just age and all of a sudden you have a thing well it's genetic you don't just pick up MS if you get old I don't know I don't have to store yeah no I think MS is some kind of

genetic you know dysfunction or something but I heard you know multiple sclerosis yes you got too many sclerosis yeah more than one yeah whole bunch of sclerosis yikes boy poor what she had a good run poor lily you look like a lily I mean she had a don't tell mom the babysitters gay she had married with children she had anchor band and that's something else yeah yeah she buffed the vampire slayer no that was Sarah Michelle Gill right or but that was a movie originally right what's up yeah it was a movie with a different actress yeah yeah Luke Perry was in it she did a lot of stuff Christina obligate did a

lot of stuff she was never really a bleeding woman like she wasn't Julia Roberts level but she had a she had a moment in the in the son-in-law well she was sucking back equal packets and diet coke baby you don't eat Oreos I'm getting married what am I doing that's a big mistake I mean the way these stories you're telling with the mother it just sounds horrendous the mother's very nice but then you start thinking okay if that's the mom is she'll because I hang on my dad and I go oh this guy's a dweeb and then I leave and I start I start

talking like him right you have that you notice you're hanging you're talking to my dad talk but maybe I mean I do get quieter I guess but you must have picked up something from Steve yeah I think so I'll love for baseball and film like we got that oh he likes movies oh he likes movies yeah I think I mean watches I mean doesn't say much after whatever you can do to stop the talk yeah those things but I by the way I'm gonna go full Ben her not Braddock who's Braddock who's the guy from Washington Post Ben Bradley I'm gonna I'm gonna go full journalist on your family because I gotta get the scoops well tell me

I don't know I don't know what's going on with this family I heard your mom has big cans your dad's weird your brother lives in Africa yep I don't know who you're where you're from but what's going on I have expected to be like we're from Mississippi I don't even know what you're talking about with this stuff that's what's it's gonna be a little lackluster they're not exciting they're nice people they're good people they're well read but there's a tough nut to crack a lot of walls up I'm going straight in there I'm going straight up to that family table and sticking my hand out and saying all right who's in charge here well if you get any info give it to me because I'm clueless as well what are the parents names again I think it's slo mo and Rita no it's uh

Rick and Liz Rick and Liz I'm going in I'm gonna go right in there I'm gonna call her Betty and Rich because if you give them a nickname that's how you get in they like that hey Richie Betty you can make it based on their real names though you're gonna make like a nickname based on their names so come on yeah well where do you get Betty where you get Betty oh Elizabeth oh is that where Betty comes from of course I thought it was Beth it's like I'm talking to my brother's kids over here how about the lizard that's cool all right then you call it a lizard if you survive the streets this guy this guy thinks he's got better nicknames than me I got a plan lizard brain I'm gonna say hey big cans Betty there you go baby bcb that's good my favorite network yeah I like the bbc

Tom big black cock but yeah all right you let me know if you get any dirt on them because they're baby they got some guard up I can't wait to figure it out and I can't wait to see who shows up at this thing I'm very excited and I'll just eat on Friday but yeah yeah you're gonna have to eat before well let me tell you about the travel down because I have an episode of the way here if you guys get to sit up a little bit more for the camera you're really lounged I got a heart on oh oh no slippery sheets fell in we're out of ice wow don't break that phone this is not sure it's blast throw me those nuts over there no you got nuts like eight bucks a piece oh yeah crazy no more nuts 50 cents a nut they got a book

in the book it says don't be in this neighborhood I literally I'm not joking the lady at the front desk was like don't walk east you can walk about two blocks wow that's it but which I always want I'm like is there somebody two blocks away telling the people over there don't you can't walk west two blocks we got hotels over there how do they know is it weird it's a cutoff I know cut off shorts but uh cut off Louisiana where yeah it's a city anytime you get to a place and they say don't go a direction bad news bad news bears but anyway so yeah the flight I get up this morning I go to the LaGuardia and you know Sarah is under the weather so I go whatever I'll just go hmm get to the airport and I bump into Andy Haynes hey the airport bump in at the uh security terminal no lounge

he's in the lounge he's in the lounge wow that rosebud's doing pretty well it's rosebud money I got a feeling uh and uh so we go there love the Haynes I see him but then what happens is I'm a particular traveler when you the more you travel the more particular you are well you're particular in general exactly but now I'm traveling everywhere so I you get your routine when you do something every week oh yeah you bring in another guy and it's hard because you're like all right well I'm heading to Starbucks and it's the what we got free coffee right over here I'm like well I like tea like I got tea over there yeah I like a specific tea and he's like well they got all kinds of tea and I'm like I'll see you at the terminal particularly Pete and I gotta

go get uh you know my bus so anyways I go down to the bus so I barely get to see him but I'm excited that he's on the flight we're all gonna hang then I get on I get the upgrade first class first class aisle first seat one seat oh I love the one seat although that wall is a little quick on you the wall is tough and you gotta put all your shit in the overhead but whatever sure but I'm the first one scene so I'm sitting there I'm reading my book it's all pipes and then who gets on Liz Fioriati love the Liz she's got matching but you know me I got I got I love Liz yeah she's a sex sexy whop yeah she's really got got something going yeah and uh so she gets on and I go hey and then she makes a big scene what do you think you're a celebrity she takes my

book and shows everyone and smacks my nuts and I'm into it and I go I'll keep you posted have fun in the back yeah enjoy the show Harry we're doing threesomes now we're swinging if you if you want I'd try I'd love to okay but uh so she's on the flight then Haynes gets on he's directly uh diagonally from me like a bishop directly diagonally I don't know if that makes sense but you get it yeah I love a flight where everyone's on the flight yeah that's the best comedy flight it's exciting you get that with a comedy festival which there's one going on in New Orleans by the way I know that's crazy isn't it weird no one's heard a peep about it Ruby's in it wow yeah so he's like I'll see you at the show but I gotta do a seven o'clock downtown I was like all right boy this

is gonna be a hang over there oh it's gonna be a scene I can't wait um one scene so I'm in the seat I'm excited I got my tea and then I went to the lounge and I just wolf back a bunch of potatoes to get the boiled potatoes and some eggs and some oatmeal yes yes oatmeal drink my bucks tea have a croissant I'm sitting there I'd get a nice full belly they got cookies in there too where in the lounge oh I know what the cookie okay and then they got cookies on Delta today too oh so I'm sitting there I feel like a million bucks but all of a sudden I start to feel the the gurgle the rumble the rumble in the jungle new app and I don't know what it is but I'm like wow whatever I had a tough night's sleep because I wasn't sure if Sarah was gonna cut the speeches

got me up at night I appreciate doing it really it's a lot of work because I'm like is it funny is it not funny the poem speech impediment not going to be easy so all of a sudden I'm getting the wacky's and then you go into like the well what did I eat because I feel a little I start feeling in the throat you're like am I gonna barf the re the the burn now no burn just that like like uh like and stand by me you know yes yes the the castor oil yes exactly and then you hear this which is everyone here we're number 14 for takeoff no and so now it goes directly into my brain cells sure that 14 usually it's like 90 seconds per takeoff so we're looking at almost 30 minutes here oh and they don't let you get up no and then if they do they shame you well we can't

go because some dipshit that has diarrhea standing up it's gonna change his tampon again so and I've never I don't know about you I have never once ever shit on a plane same here there you go yes I have a anal uh hymen on a plane same here I have masturbated on a plane wow multiple times jerked off on a plane Jesus snakes on a plane how'd you do it I just go in the bathroom I use my hand I just uh really one thumb in the ass and and four fingers on the throttle wow you got to get a hand on the yoke so never shit and uh but I have to so then I'm starting to have this thing where I'm like I think I might be sick so they're just having all the images stick like of Dwight do they have the bag still oh yeah the puke bag the puke bag but then I'm like I'm in first class that's

that's not very first class no they'll shame you and it's really like percolating and then I'm like I think I'm gonna barf and then you know also this is where ego comes in you don't want people being like this do you not fly very often get a weak stomach because you know me I'm a boater I'm a flyer I'm a I'm a driver I like to keep it moving I can't sit still oh yeah you're a trans activist so that's the worst thing you never want someone to be like this oh what are you got a little little tense about the flight I'm like I fly I don't know what I'm doing sure you got wings so then it starts to go north and I'm like I think I'm gonna throw up whoa so you gotta get mad at it yes you gotta go you're gonna push back down but then I push too far down all of a sudden my asshole goes

whoo yeah I can feel it better better out the back door than the top it is because it's a little easier to hide and it doesn't burn as much but now you know that thing where like it feels like when you're sitting the shit is resting on your pants yes the seat is keeping the shit in been there you need a cork so then I'm like okay I gotta keep it calm I go into my meditation my lamans classes I'm just trying to do that kind of she lamans the race so I'm trying to keep it in what's the what's that car Pontiac LeBaron no isn't there a lamans I think there is a race in Germany I think it's a car too isn't it there's LeBaron there's le there was a car also there's a velcro what's the one with the stacked headlights isn't that a uh Lamont Monte Carlo uh I think that's a car

look that up it might be a car named after the race probably okay well I'm a racist hmm I think so race baiting yeah there's a movie and a race uh definitely it's a Steve McQueen movie and it's a place in France that's France the car I'm thinking of I don't know it says most wins come on let's just a short short oh okay uh answer on don't worry can you type in Pontiac Pontiac Lamans isn't there a car lay something yeah there is a lay I think laym is a rub what's the big muscle car that Pontiac made GTO yes is that a kind of GTO no they wouldn't go French in the sixties my service is slow yeah so is your fucking tits so anyways where was I oh so my asshole is Berkeley yes so then we're just waiting and waiting and

waiting to go and I'm like fuck and your brain is just throwing out all these images I want to shoot my pants and we'll barf the whole thing yeah finally we start to take off and you feel that immediate relief because you're like okay now I'm just minutes away whatever happens I'm minutes away from using the bathroom and it's uh it's four inches away from you exactly I'm in the front seat but I feel sick but I'm starting to like it's up and down I'm texting my wife and the whole thing so as soon as we get up there somebody like they don't wait for the seatbelt somebody gets up and goes to the bathroom and then Haynes gets up because we have been waiting so long so now I'm third in line right and Haynes is like hey how's it going I'm like I gotta tell you I'm pretty sick

I think I might shit in the plane and then I had this I was like I've never shit on a plane before and he's like I shit on every flight yeah I've heard that people are like that huh yeah some people like shitting on a plane they it's almost like a pavlovian right shitlovian where they're like all right I got a poovlovian I'm like that with naps on the plane yes same right when it takes off I'm out Pontiac Le Mans whoa I've never heard of it it's got the stacked headlights right yeah it it is a big grill 1961 to 1981 yes yes wow that was didn't last that was my that was my favorite car back in the day how does it look it's like a big it's a book and it looks like an old school catalyze it's like a gto yeah no oh look at that gto yeah that's some american must great car I had

about uh you know a year and a half that I was really into muscle cars but all right passes yeah edgy muscular discography must have got lost um I get up I hate it goes on now it becomes the thing of like now my brain is synced up I'm shitting oh it's coming out so then the food starts to come out and no wait sorry not yet so then I get up and now I'm like I got a shit it's coming so I shit and there's no water in the airplane so they get you it's a dry bowl it's just a dry bowl with a hole and so a dry bowl hole so manu bowl so right away I I showed out a manu bowl action figure I mean this thing is seven foot six inches and it's got a bullet's jersey on this is the biggest shit oh man I guess better than a uh McKimba Macumbo it's just it's hitting

the bowl dry so it's just like a thud you want a dry you want a blook you want a plunk a swoosh yes thank you no swoosh no plunk this is a Reebok I mean this just went oh yeah that's no good that's a kid it really just sounded you ain't kidding it really was just like slow kettering kid I kid this goes oh god you want kids in your do you want oh one day I'll have kids of my own oh kids yeah all right yeah just the kids I don't know all right kids kids meal I'm wearing kid gloves so I just shit a globby black green just a mush of shit and it's like three shits wow you know when you're like yes you're like okay and you feel instantly better your body is is done with the waist exactly so I get it all down

and I'm flushing each time oh the guy who I think might have been like recognize me I can tell you that you have a different feel sure and I kept doing the it's that super loaded yes yeah it goes right on the flip michigan or wherever it goes exactly there's three in a row boom boom boom oh naga sake Hiroshima and the uh the that's been it so far luckily but we'll see so then I get back to my seat and I'm like okay I think that did it yeah I'm done I think that should be five minutes pass it's back and this is when the food comes out oh no you're like Jeff Daniels over here exactly and I'm cleaning my teeth it's a big tray of food so you gotta put the tray down then they put the napkin down then they put the tray and you're locked in and the food it's like

it's carrots and mushrooms and my sister's ass the whole thing why do they do that with the veggies and the high fructose bullshit it's all protein or what do you call it starch I'll start starch madness yeah it's dark raving bed starts getting hot so whatever the fuck it is so I have to lift up the tray I'm holding the tray with one hand I move the yeah flappy flap yeah I know it and then I go in right when he served the food I do like another double shit this is just a pile of green damn double stuff it is everywhere more flushes what would you oh he was all the lounge food now the day before yesterday as we're recording I had a full box of craft macaroni and cheese which I stopped doing for years but yeah it's like an addiction it comes back you want to feel like

when you're a boy yeah I love making that thing and putting the fake processed oh that's bright orange that sand is bright orange it looks like something from a glitter project it is and then arts and crafts macaroni and cheese I feel like I can I can I can balance by having a big spinach smooth combination of the spinach the mac and cheese the nerves you and Palestine exactly the not getting you a gift for your wedding all that stuff one year come back one year all that stuff combined I just blasted it out but finally after that one and I had to walk up to the flight attendant guy and be like hey I'm embarrassed but I don't think I can eat this food and then he kind of snickered he was like which he gave away he could hear me shitting in there he knew it was

going down and he's like I'll save it for later and I was like great and then I just laid there like I just got fucked by my dad again yeah Andy Haynes brother this guy's an amateur I know and I got off the plane I had to wait for the but then I found a new buck or what a new man new man 100 bucks hello new man oh sorry but here's the clinker is the fact that isn't it weird that the body is so sophisticated that it was gonna puke out but it said oh I guess that that latch is closed we'll figure it out downtown exactly but you were gonna yak brown who knows what like how does that come out because it doesn't come out in shit form but when it comes out of your ass it's shit form that's a great point I think because it goes through the stomach because puke comes from

the stomach but the yeah the ass is what the anal cavity or the colon colon powl and then the stomach is different yeah the stomach has acid and enzyme I don't know the ass is just I think the shit if the shit moves from the colon into the stomach the stomach acid finds it and turns it into vomit aha I think you're right that's I assume I think I remember that the little school bus you have miss fritz yes I love that shit how about that I'd love to fuck that fritz all right well chuck is giving us gank hands all right is that we're done no well we gotta I gotta be at the show at an hour I'm supposed to get there early this is a whole lot to take showers and I gotta walk home which I'll be you know shucking and jiving on that walk I'll be shaking bacon the walk

you're about to do I'm not even joking is like that that would be like a list of hell or whatever to me oh yeah it's tough the seventh circle of hell but I don't know I grew up around here I'll be fine I won't think it's this may what's that's main this this who the big one is a lesion fields right when you pass that you're in another stratosphere but right when you get across it you're safe that's exactly what I feel that because Frenchman that's what I've come to New Orleans three times I always go to Frenchman I go see some music record store that I love there and then cafe demand is over there so it's like you're kind of that's where I know where I am and there's just people everywhere it's this big two lane road too late yeah that you come over it

it really feels like oh hey you're in a different place and it's there's no places of business around here no it's just you and the kooks yeah yeah kook central this is all family which is weird because I know people live in this area and they're like oh we get robbed constantly so you're like it's weird this is how you just you just live here that's just a part of it here sorry so buckle up and then maybe don't wear an Iowa shirt and a Boston hat and a red ruby slipper chuckle up well I'm gonna wear a suit I like why is this nice what are you pointing at this something outside I just didn't I didn't realize I know you have this glass door here I didn't realize it goes right to the street that's what we've been joking about I know I know but

I didn't think it was that close to the street I thought it was like a little bit further away well this is this is a driveway it's not really okay it's a driveway but like the street is there yeah like you can turn yeah clearly yeah there's tourists in here and glass doors like I was a hobo I would look in just for fun yeah right was in there sure I jerk it or a plow wife situation as a non-hobo I would do that and then the door it's just I mean I can't even describe we've already described it you could just yeah it's pretty simple so you know I'll sleep when I get home yeah yeah if you gotta change hotel rooms I understand some people got an Airbnb I think Ian uh finance and a couple other people really went all in yeah well we'll see uh all right well

we gotta uh wrap it up your next time we record you'll be married oh that's true yeah well we're getting old life is uh meaningless taken by uh I'll be at uh comedy on state December 8th of 10th make sure you come out to that that's Madison Wisconsin please come buy the tickets fill it up the weekend after that Omaha funny bone I think that's 16 through the night it's 15 through the 17th trying to do the math in my head yeah it must be 15 through 17 and then uh bunch of crazy shit coming up next year my dates are over there I can't find them the hell with it I can't find it but a bunch of stuff coming up Christ where am I I can't even remember fuck I got a big Chicago date coming up I've announced that and Boston date coming up I'll announce that later Salt Lake

City that's a big one they're paying me a bunch of money so please buy your tickets Salt Lake City great club wise guys you're gonna want to come to that yes and you got oh wait is that it's not announced yes but uh bleep it yeah bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep that too now you're gonna bleep that it's all bleeps sorry it's all pipes fuck I got a bunch of dates coming up check out comedian joe list dot com but uh I'll keep you updated and go watch the special on YouTube this year's material here here watch them all folks uh I'm in San Francisco Boston Philly New Haven shout out to Connecticut the most American state and then uh Honolulu Nashville Buffalo all kinds of fun dates market on McHaway dot com give it a world give it a goog check it out and praise

Allah and thanks for all the nice wedding messages patreon you got to get on it best patreon in America it's insane it's skyrocket and it's going up thank you