Tuesdays with Stories! - #480 Boinkin' Pigs

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

The boys are back from Louisiana and they're waxing poetic about the wedding! We're still in New Orleans in our minds folks, and we walk you through the entire nuptials! Holy HELL what a time! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Tuesdays for 10% off your first month. - Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com - Support the show by going to www.buyraycon.com/tuesdays

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me here we go hey folks here we are oh look at that what is this sir to so gay hey oh all right I'll get you to my mouth

hey fun show good to be here good to be back look at that everybody all over the new okay I think of the evolution of this show yeah yeah yeah it's called me a farmer because that's a title for you yeah I know I know more about hogs than Jimmy Dean I mean it's wild and now we're both married and now what's next death we're gonna be dead I hope I need it to come soon I know that's the weird thing once you're married you're like all right well I guess hopefully one of us dies yeah maybe we'll have a kid on accident or miscarriage who knows but the future is here you gotta just hope for death I mean

that's it that's it come on bus just hit me with a bus maybe AIDS yeah this guy's the limit wow there's like tit cancer can I get cancer I got that men can get breast cancer oh all right boy can take at it a couple weeks yeah you got a mastectomy I think that's what that is but man I'm still reeling we just did a half an hour off camera about the wedding oh yeah I can't get back into the groove of real life can either it was what a time it was a whirlwind it was magical Jerry magic and I was there for eight days and I just slipped into that that wedding that wedding wave and just rode it and I was drunk for four days

straight and living on living on a cloud yeah and it's it's hard and weird because I barely got to see you you miss a lot of the fun yeah doing the wedding stuff and you're eating out her parents and her uncle yes yes gotta meet the family yeah but we had that one hang at the breakfast that was big breakfast breakfast Wednesday morning that was that we needed that yes which were you there for the night fight still I missed the night fight I didn't show it up I left and he took my spot he saw that yeah but by the way first of all you know I like to talk kooks a lot of kook talk yeah well it's no shortage of kooks in

that town you go to New Orleans and by the way New Orleans makes New York it's like swinging with two bats I hang out with New Orleans for four day in New Orleans for four days although it feels like you're hanging out with New Orleans I like that there you go that put that on the brochure and you come back to New York I've taken the subway at 1 a.m. with my pants off I'm taking that because New Orleans is so frightening sure it's a spooky town it's just a wild scene but some people that won't acknowledge the kookiness yes well if you acknowledge it it makes it real people like to live in that fantasy world you know they like to

go out in the world in French Quarter beignets boozefest Mardi Gras and then you go what about these cooks I go ah let me enjoy this tuba yeah sometimes I have this you have this in life because you're similar to me anything I'm thinking I just say I'm just always saying what I'm thinking constantly I talk Michael Richards did that yeah and I've I almost said the same thing once but well I'm gonna use basketball game yeah a lot of money on it I get it I'm joking Chuck's making a face you make me nervous is that should I not have it's good tippy-toe boy can pigs but you know you say something like for instance like

I was just talking about this this morning because I was talking to a guy that we know now and when you really get in there's some certain people that put on a a man a bubble on airs I'm this Brendan airs yeah I'm I'm this way air supply but then when you really talk to them you're like oh my god you're crazy you're like more neurotic my point is I've always been thought of as like a neurotic anxious guy but then I talk to people and I'm like this person's way worse than I ever was at my worst they're just pretending to be like tough guy oh well I find that anybody who's pretending to be tough guy pretending to

be cool like if that's a big part of their personality they're actually the exact opposite like Cosby yeah going all in on the family man pull your pants up don't curse wear a sweater eat pudding you're raping that's right I'm glad I never say those things yeah but yeah so you know I like to talk about the kooks I'm like you gotta be careful over there and this place and then people start going you need to get out more certain people like your shelter and I'm like no I'm unsheltered that's why I'm talking about this I see I'm walking everywhere that's why I keep having run-ins with the coups right right I'm

like if you're saying this is not an issue you're probably inside maybe a little denial I'm like I'm telling you last night I was walking home and there was a guy on the sidewalk next to my hotel going help me well stop Rose had neaten about four hours so I get it but yeah no I hear you I mean it is wild out there there's a lot of drugs a lot of booze and a lot of poverty it's wild and then we're at breakfast 10 a.m. big group of us a knife fight breaks out right in Jackson Square that missed the beat it video going down I went where was I I'll send you my beat it video where's Louise

patreon but these these two guys with not going fuck you mother fuck off screaming 10 30 the morning so then I turn them like can I get a what what and they go those guys aren't gonna bother you and I'm like can't we have some levity yes can't we go oh that's hilarious we're just talking about this I'm like yeah no I'm sure they'll be perfectly even keeled as we walk by these guys in a knife fight at 10 a.m. well that's a bit of narcissism people go wow that is crazy but it won't happen to me it won't affect me but it can definitely affect you I mean I've been mugged in this town many a time in that

town but let me ask you was it was it super New Orleans II was it a crawdad and a gator go on at it or a pirate and something it was a well this is the best so that this is the the clinker if you will we all finished breakfast we walk down to La Finde mall or no what's cafe de mall I confuse it with La Finde mall the end of the world oh that's a beer that's a beer one of the best beers ever okay yeah great percent alcohol percentage oh yeah it's a high one yeah the first time the canner did Fox News whatever Gerardo not Gerardo who's the guy got fell a good fell bad I back in the day I was like I see your first TV

spot so I got him a big bottle of La Finde mall and then I was walking up to the subway that slipped out of my hand so I had just brought and I was so poor I couldn't afford another one so I just handed him a bag with a glass of well it's the thought that counts I guess but isn't that funny too back then you did Fox News and was like good for you now you do Fox News people like oh your career is over yeah it was a better time where you could just live and do shit yeah it was a little different the clicker so we all go to cafe de mon we're walking back and we see the knife fight guy he's a tap dancer and

you're just like if I if someone pulled a knife on me and I pull the knife in them we screamed at each other I'd move back home oh you never see you never hear from me again this guy's like all right I gotta go to tap dance I gotta go to work yeah well so wait a minute who is the other guy like was it a was it a racial thing was it a financial thing was it a political thing one was blind but I don't feel like it was racial I think it's just they're just both street guys really turf territory turf yeah turf war surf and turf yeah I didn't know if it was a Jew Palestine or some kind of you know Ukraine Russia thing

yeah I'm not sure so it was just I maybe just screaming and it was again like to me it's like it's fun to talk about and joke about but you're like yeah we're not in danger we're over here yeah it's annoying when people take bits serious we're like crazy we're all gonna die we got to get out of here we got to move the wedding the wedding's off and they're like you're gonna be okay right yeah no I know I'm just joking it's a bit kidding I'm doing a bit but it with the cat the great the cat they're like Jesus Christ you piece of shit it's funny yeah like when everybody would bring up marriage a couple episodes ago I would

go ah that was real yeah but yeah you're doomed but my point is the knife fight shit is no joke it's there I when we used to go to Mardi Gras before our cell phone cameras and whatnot back in the 80s we'd get a balcony and on the French Quarter look down at bourbon and you'd see pickpocketing you'd see a guy grope a lady you see fistfights you'd see pushing you see what do you call the knockout game oh you would just had a front row ticket to all the wilding as they say in the Giuliana years and it was bananas and you're like oh my god this is just where I live like I gotta go down there at one point to go home yeah

no it's it's it's scary business what's the name of my neighborhood I was in Marigny Marigny I can never quite it's a French word that means kook yeah well it was it was something I mean should we just go through the whole thing it's like when my wedding I was like give me the whole experience you want to have everybody in yes here the stuff that you miss right right well I mean we could start you the first of all the wedding was on a Thursday we had the rehearsal on a dinner on a Wednesday and I believe you got it on a Tuesday I came in twos there you go so first things first we did the big tippettina's show yeah old Sean

Patty fatty Patty what a night killer it's tippettina's legendary rock room blues room whatever you want to call it in the in the the big easy and he said who's gonna be in town I said list I said umar I said this guy you know the the list gets worse as as you go but it was you and me basically but Sean and we had Doug key pop on we had may pop on we had a couple others Brittany Cardwell yes I'm saying that right yes and Andy Haynes he might have said the night by the way that's what the buzz on the street was that right that's what I'm hearing wow I missed it I was upstairs for all I didn't see any show I didn't

either which is a good sign of a green room hang I didn't realize though so I went down because I thought may was gonna get a huge pop right your wedding but I realized we didn't really promote by the way a lot of upset Tuesdays because they only heard about the morning of it was sold out and I might have said the wrong venue on you did yeah sorry guys there was this wedding get a lot of habit send you the tape but I thought it was gonna be a hundred percent Tuesdays and I was like they're gonna explode when may come I see and then I said I was like I'm coming down here you're gonna get a pop and she was like I think so and

then she came out and no pop and I think I think it was just Sean I think it was just comedy fan I think there was not that many gays there I think you're right and then I think they were not aware that this was like a wedding spectacular I think they were just like oh I think that there was general comedy fans that know him because the way they were he was promoting it was this is a secret comedy show with a bunch of New York comics who were here for no particular reason I see and so people knew the New York comedy scene was coming for your wedding right but it wasn't necessarily like just Joe and

Mark fans it was general like oh who's it gonna be it could be anybody you're right yeah I think Ari was maybe build a little bit too and he didn't he wasn't there yeah cuz I when I came out there's like a handful of Tuesday people I could feel but I felt like there was a lot of people there that were just like certainly they know you and they know Patton yes but I didn't I didn't I thought like this was clear this is the mark wedding show I thought that was clear too and I think that they were like oh oh wow yeah the one point I was like hey I'm just doing my marriage step so mark knows he's still gonna get laid and I

think they were like right well you had a good set no good set good show great crowd good show oh it young blood was on oh yeah boy what a hang though just a great time I love being in a big green room other chairs now 25 people in the green room was killer legendary green room too I mean there's been some heavy hitters in that place and then you see like Liz shows up the manager of the seller and like her in New Orleans was was fragging my brain up I was like what the fuck it was worlds colliding she was great and we all showed the airport at the same time Liz was on my flight which is a fun feeling cuz I was in first

class first seat Liz gets on she's like what the fuck and I was like hey and she took my book and threw it across the plane Haynes was across from me that was exciting by the way may killed I have to say she had a great set yeah killed yeah and then you're on the same flight there's nothing better than be on the same flight then we get over we walk over the uber section and and what's his toes what's your name Chuck we'll be oh no that's the one Chuck was there we rode together to that the hellhole that he stayed in he stayed in the fucking yeah where were you little kooky uh well if I looked up the wedding venue and

there was a place that was four minutes away walking I was like I'll just stay there and it was cheaper but oh you know what I just realized we talked about this oh on the last week we recorded in the hotel room right now though we only got to this point because we recorded like right then when we all arrived there okay yeah so skip we talked about the hotel room yeah yeah you're right all right well either way we all got out on skates so you fly in you go to you have a beauty you're in the trendy Peter Paul and Mary or whatever the fuck it's called which I dropped Chuck off at his hotel and well he rode to his I said

goodbye to him then I'm walking to the neighborhood you're dragging a suitcase which is never good again you try to be safe because you know it's got some edge and I'm like I got a winter coat on a winter hat I'm wearing I'm wearing an Iowa hat and a Patriots t-shirt and I'm dragging a suit a ball of Boston stuff you got a shirt says fuck me in the ass it's not good so I'm like picking up the pace being like I gotta get out of here yeah clearly I'm a mark sure and then I walk up to the hotel it's this big golden church Cathedral and I hear Joe and it's May and her broad yeah we had a breakfast there and I couldn't handle

her friends for that long so I skedaddled but it was very exciting and she was like come over here we're at this bar and I said great I'll shut down my gear I throw my stuff in there and then I was like hey may invite me to this thing should I go over there and then classic norm you're like come on over and I go all right I'll be over and then I get there it's just a dive bar with two toothless assholes not of not a party in sight where was this our bar oh the our bar she's like we're going over to our bar and then time passed I showered and jerk off and you know whatever and then I was like all right let me go and I felt

like I was being a progressive because I was like let me wait till other people hear some buddy system I don't know but I was like you know what may invite me over there I don't know I'm gonna go meet some family some friends mark must be dying I'm gonna really face my fears and walk through this hellacious neighborhood and go meet go glad hand and go I'm Joe I'm the I'm the boyfriend I love it I get over there and it's just two guys like it was like the like the Western I pushed in the double doors it was like the hay bale or whatever that goes by the tumbleweed yes and then I by the way I called Chuck

and I was like you got to leave the hotel I'm next door you got to get over here because I'm gonna have to get killed yeah yeah and then you were like I we left there three hours ago I'm like well you told me to be here 10 minutes ago yeah welcome to know a baby but yeah the show was great it was a without a hitch it was about three hours long and everybody seemed to hang in there I had to go last of course and we had a great time we we did it up and then that was just pretty much night one great night huge hang at the bar after like 20 of us and that's when I noticed the single guys really snooping you know it's

about six of you guys are like what's her deal what's going on with her is she gay is she fat is she got a full bush who's that is she a virgin now and yeah so then you could see just the the scanning yeah well this is where you know everyone talks about marriage it's a nightmare and it is but sure the thing is the last night to fast for jump around cuz jump up and get down you're talking about this the last night of the party you know when everyone's tie is off post-wedding back at our bar again hard are we I'm there and I found a chair everyone's dying and I'm sitting like this I got my cigar I'm talking a

salad queues everyone's just winding down I'm taking it in it's a love fest and I see I won't be naming names but I see several nerd single douches he's right here just on the side I shouldn't have said douches that makes it sound bad all right wonderful people on the sidewalk doing this oh yeah just like is there any buzzer beater I can get and that's the beauty of marriage Chuck I recommend you get married to the next woman that will even look at you for a second sure is you just go I'm right here baby I'm not going anywhere I got nothing to prove no one to fuck sure I'm miserable but I want to go home and rub

one out and not hate myself and then you got the the drunk I mean the young blood I hope I'm not out of him as a gay man but he's showing me the drunk texts he's sending to 17 women and I'm like whoa that's embarrassing yeah holy hell is that cringy I love you so much I want to eat your ass we should get lunch we have a connection meet my parents let's see a movie I'll put my dick in the popcorn whatever it is and I'm like man I'm glad I'm not doing that it's a nice feeling can you share your swing and miss story or is it too much well I mean I will say this I was there and like you know there was a lot of really nice and funny and

attractive women that I was really the hottest wedding I've ever been to I'll say one sentence is it was like the warmest wedding I've ever been to yeah these groups these groups all intermingled very very well hand-picked and I did say to myself I'm like okay I know my proclivities I'm like but hang out with the friends hang out with all your friends the find a girl thing is extra the rejection I wasn't I wasn't one of those guys is what I'm saying I wasn't one of the ones desperate I took one big swing I took some other swings but small swings couple so a couple of jobs in a hook and you got the hook my

big my big swing and this is have the it has to do with the alcohol you know whatever sure talking to somebody you're having a good time you're dancing sister shut clock they're laughing laughing laughing yeah yeah you have to find something in common she says I was I can't believe your girl you grew up in this town this right way you know the alcohols hitting you yeah Joseph I was drifting you ever have that thing though where you're getting drunk and you're close to someone talking to them yes yes I have that with children yeah yeah so I said you know we're having a good time and I said hey let's go make out in the

photo booth aha and that was a big swing as a bold move big swing and I respect a big swing yeah she was taking a back yeah you're taking a back could be used yeah yeah there's almost you know like you will dirt was the response like every now and then maybe one out of five thousand that'll work yeah exactly so I respect it and I've done that and been shot down and it stings and you got to see her around go huh that was crazy huh put a gun in my mouth but that's the brutal part of it every now and then it works I'm I should have taken more swings in my life there was swings if I had taken they

would just had their chin out I had a woman once we were making eyes on the subway ten years ago and I was like I am we're connecting we're vibing and I was like I don't be a weirdo and bother maybe I'm bothering her you know I can't just go on a whim and I walk out of the subway and she goes pussy woman don't get it's like sometimes you take a swing and they're like hey what a creep what a douche so aggressive and then sometimes you don't and they're like what a fucking nerd wow she was she was cool and I think I didn't talk to her again but I think I'm good at the recovery of being like hey sorry about asking to

make out in the photo booth and there's a laugh join you know what I mean but I get it someone said later they're like you know there was not a photo booth it was a big room with a man in it that makes sense that makes it that room was yeah fun Ari and I did the fucking the ass he licked my neck and that's my leg stuff and then Sam were blowing each other Sam went with the suck my dick bitch wait we're skipping ahead here now we're sorry well we got how do we get over here okay okay you're talking about the single women that's right back single man trying to fuck women oh yeah so we're gonna miss soul Chucky so now

let's move over we've we did the show we did the bar hang everybody's hung over everybody's drunk now we got the big rehearsal din but first we had a big breakfast oh right the breakfast with the knife fight we had Haynes we had Doug Key we had the whole gang salad queues we had the corner table at cafe pantalba which is right on Jackson Square it was the best day of the year I've ever I've grew up in that town I've never seen a day that nice yeah it was beautiful and that was a fun day because you know we wake up and a lot of people hadn't arrived a lot of people arrived Wednesday afternoon some people arrived

Wednesday night which I thought was gay horrible plan but I texted you and said hey I know you're crazy life's weird if you need anything just shoot me a text I'll be over here and then you go how about breakfast at point my goo whatever the fuck and I said I'll be right there don't point your goo at me jogged over and you were already there which was a shock I figured you were kidding well I had to get up early to do a bunch of bullshit you can't get a moment's peace so I I was free for half an hour so I said let's meet up fatty well that was fine because it's you I mean I had just eaten a big breakfast which was good

because that menu had all the gay New Orleans Cajun horseshoe crawfish and gumbo and all the stuff people fly in for people really enjoy I got McDonald's three times and I'm not kidding I believe it I came over and that's slowly one by one and what was fun about that breakfast was people were coming from the airport that's right cabs with suitcases and diving through the window and it was just boys only except for Doug's girl who was cool very nice it might be a boy yeah probably someday yeah who knows anymore it's all fluid what a great big breakfast that was and then we all went out yet you had to leave of course

which is the hard part because you want to I'm sure you just want to keep that's all I want to do two days of stories is brought to you by better help if life came with a user manual things would be easier for everyone but it does not so when it's not working out for you it's normal to feel stuck navigating a career change a new relationship or becoming a parent can make you feel uncertain therapists are trained to help you learn productive coping skills which makes therapy the closest thing they'll get to a user manual I love therapy I highly recommend it try it you know it's I know people are

hesitant starting a new thing sucks and it's hard and it's weird and it's unknown but try it before you knock it I we all got problems we're all cuckoo or all wacky in our own ways just because you're not wacky in the same way he's wacky you're wacky in your own way I've got to figure out what that wacky is and get to the bottom of it it's better help is an online therapy that offers video phone and chat sessions you can choose to not see anyone on camera if you want as the world's largest therapy service better help is match three million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available

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clean these things they smell like blint water but you gotta love sheath they feel good they look good they smell good not mine but they're great separate the dong from the Cods the eggs from the twigs and the berries from the branch get on it US Army soldier and Tuesday Robert Patton knew there had to be a better way to keep his dick from sticking to his leg and sheath was born sheath comes in so many patterns you can have a pair ready for any occasion they didn't even leave they didn't leave out the ladies either sheath has boy short sports brawls that sheath underwear dot com promo code Tuesdays to get 20% off your first order

and sheath 100% money back guarantee that sheath underwear dot com promo code Tuesdays get sheath and let them support your cojones we love sheath the duck fell out of his bag but yeah so a rehearsal yeah so we did the nice breakfast and I had to mosey on and pay the caterer or eat out you know my uncle haven't seen in 10 years whatever it is so then we have the rehearsal dinner which my mom is a she's known to be frugal hmm not you so she goes hey let's have the rehearsal dinner at my museum right you know save a buck you don't have to rent a place whatever and I go I don't know I know my mom she doesn't she

doesn't go all out ever she's like I'll get some some chips ahoy we'll have a tub of briars and we'll get some Campbell soup I won't kill for this we'll play a movie it'll be nice like ah come on wow this is a big event big day big gay so what let's let's really do it up and she's like all right I'll work on it I was always nervous mmm cuz she likes to pinch yes a penny and like mother like son there you go the apple doesn't fall far from the uh that's all banana yeah so so I go all right so I'm nervous I'm nervous walking into this and all my friends are gonna be there the comedians gonna be there and look I'm a comic I

get it mm-hmm I get it we like to go into an event and you zing that's what we do certainly you certainly don't want to meet nobody I'll tell you that of course I hate a meet and I hate a greet so we got the rehearsal dinner and I know it's gonna be sappy with my dad and speeches and whatever and I gotta tell you Mrs. Norman really hit it out of the anal this was not a swing and a miss she hit it right on the nail and it was the museum it was a great energy we had a full bar she had a shrimp boil going in the back she had gumbo on the pot bubbling she had an ice cream bar she had Arnold Palmer station I've never seen

my mom do anything like this in my entire life I melted Jerry I was so touching that she gave a shit well it's her favorite son is getting married she doesn't care for that other guy didn't I didn't know I got an energy yeah I'm kidding of course your mom was just sweet as pie by the way I felt I was like Joe list the partner and then they were like Joe okay nobody heard of me the parents never heard of me they don't know that the show they don't know the pod they don't even know I do stand up they're out to lunch they've never heard of anybody they're like who's may you know they would the whole thing was a

surprise they thought they were throwing me a birthday party they dismay oh yeah I was like I thought like here it comes everyone's like oh this is the guy Joe and Mark from back in the day and they were like I never heard of you she doesn't give either I mean it's a good luck that's a ball against the curtain with that lady it's a tough group but she had she had a warmth and your dad was cool to meet your dad and but yeah the museum was spectacular great venue that backyard was perfect by the way got to DJ that was the kindest I was touched to my soul oh I love you DJ it was all Solomon Burke and Sam Cook and a lot

of people came over and said hey who's playing these tunes that'd be me there you go there you go big responsibility and I really took it serious I really appreciated it no no it was great you killed the music and video killed the radio star the the place was great it was popping and here's how we do it we do like a I think was like a six to seven was the family and friends the close knit with the speeches and all the bullshit and then from seven to ten it was bringing the floodgates release the hounds everybody flooded in so you see all your your real friends it's not just your uncle Johnny who touched you you

know it's everybody so I have a great memory of you know talking to my aunt then you go talk to Doug Key for a second and and recharge and then you talk to your brother and then you get pulled in my realtor showed up I mean it was a wacky group I invited everybody under the sun and then I go outside the party been underway for a few hours my dad gave a pretty roasty speech if I might say did you see that I downloaded it when you sent it to me but I don't watch it yet oh Salah Q's filmed it which was nice yeah it was it was quite it was quite punchy it was a bit punchy but hey you're a comedian comedian he's a funny

guy I'm not offended I just I've never seen him have that much vitriol he was like I've been waiting years for this shit buddy oh yeah but there was a sweetness of course some sweetness salty sweet and yeah and may his dad gave a nice he was very touching yeah he was more traditional but he touched yeah me and so there was a great moment though the whole night's going great I'm playing with my nieces everybody's nice we're drinking and I go outside because I had been inside for a while to talk to everybody go outside the comedians had taken over yeah I see you with a stogie Ariza got his feet up Stavros shows up

boom Sam's flight just landed Chris Allen's over there Chuck's over here Doug Kay Andy Fiori Sean Donnelly Soder Soder his lady Katie magical and I just sat down and I was like oh I was like getting in a hot tub I was like this is what I wanted it's the best so let me let me just backtrack at please give you my end of the anal yes yes so we all went to cafe de ma we get the sugar all over our tits it's fun then me and Doug and my name shall be Chuck we all went over to the coffee place which we had gotten cooked the day before yes we did it was a bit of a was Cook Central up there northern part of Marinie Marini

yeah what's that big Avenue with the island a lesion feels a lesion feel that's a that's where it gets a little hairy so we went over there and then I was I was duping everybody to get a nice walk home I was like oh Doug you gotta see my my hotel's in a church because you got the pecs and the biceps and he's rip man so I'm like you gotta see this hotel oh yeah shit when you see this thing and he's like all right I'm like yeah just walk me over there so we walk over three abreast then we sat and chatted for a while three of us nice New England hang there you go then it's like okay everyone's gonna go get ready

for the ball they leave I get the text from Ari he's like I just landed I'm not gonna be able to check into my hotel or my Airbnb I said come straight here I run jump in the shower rinse dry as soon as I get out it's magic hour the Sun is setting the weather was unreal Ari gets out of the car he throws his shit he's got two Rogan cigar he just did Rogan's those are peach like seven of them so we go out and smoke I text Salicus and I go hey Ari and I are smoking it's a beautiful sunset bring the camera get over here this is pre dinner pre dinner got it he goes I'll be right there he comes over I mean you get I

took some photos it's on that Joe this photographer you can check it out and he took a bunch too I mean the Sun is just hitting and then Ari's got I brought two suits he brought two suits to the dinner I go if you're wearing a suit I'm wearing a suit so I got dressed together in our Salicus is documenting it we look like the money like the bomb yes lawsuit we all ride over there the lift drivers like this is this is you we talked hip-hop on the way which was fun with the driver you're the driver a lot of locals Uber and and then he's like this is it and I was like there's no chance in hell this is it because it

looks like the third ward in Houston I mean it's the worst neighborhood I ever saw it's a tough hood my mom's trying to you know save the the neighborhood with this museum that no one cares about yeah so we got out then the rehearsal dinner was nice beating the family the whole thing but like you said your mom kicked there was a whole out back area with music and the pit the the what do you call that shrimp boil the hoof the shrimp boil then she's like all right everyone inside we got to clean up so we all move inside and we're like and then this is when the other people start arriving bigger group and we're all

inside going we had the perfect hand I'm dying because I'm outside we had the music DJing we can smoke so then Salicus being Salicus is like I'll talk to her oh how about that world colliding so Salicus is talking to Madre and he's like we got the okay we got to wait about 10 minutes so slowly one at a time me Salicus and Ari just kind of step back outside and we're like I guess we'll just smoke and just one at a time Fiori comes out and then Donnelly comes out and then Chris Allen comes out and then like you said the floodgates oh just slowly everyone comes out back next thing you know we got Tom Petty cranking on

and there's like 30 comics we're all smoking and drinking all lick it up and what a night that was what a night and it's funny because that's all you want is a kind you just want to you want a green room you want to place where we can go and say Homo and abortion and retard and all that and that's all you want so when I saw it I was like it was like a puddle in the desert I was like here we go but then people keep bringing you away they go hey you're dead grandpa wants to say bye and you okay but he just it's like a magnet you want to just get back in there but you got to do the rounds I get it now two

significant moments for me and then we'll get to the goddamn wedding which we still haven't gotten there yet the nuptials I'm talking to my dad at one point pre-speech and you're there and Ari's there and so already it's a little weird where I'm like alright I got my two guys here these are hardcore comedy buddies you know fun fun rascals knuckleheads knock around guys if you will and then I got my genteel southern father here was like hello mark yes he's very wristy a lot of wrist and he's talking about the war of 1812 or the battle of New Orleans or whatever the fuck I'm gonna huh and I feel bad like

I'm boring he's boring you guys so I try to that's right I try to juke it and I'm like hey how about this how about this speech you feeling good he's like well let me get back to the war and all that I'm like all right all right so you know I shut down I turn into a nine-year-old again where you just kind of spaz out and then he leaves and you go I've never felt close to you in my life because you know what it's like to have the weird distant father it's very difficult front row seat to it yeah I mean well the thing is too it's like I was like maybe I'll try to connect but the problem is I've been in this situation many times

and it makes me want to shoot people where you talk about your dad your relationship with your dad so then comedians get around your dad you're like hey you must be proud of this guy huh they try to break through and do the thing yeah I can't do that and then he was one of these soft talkers he's very low talk I forgot the speech and I left it in my car well that's pretty good yeah so I'm like it's a good no I'm like huh I can't so I it triggered me I shut down yes yes I just was like it was it shook me because he's so quiet yeah and serious he's very I mean he's he's a silly guy like he may his dad went up and

gave this like touching nice speech and my dad comes up and he's like alright everybody out of the way and the mic's like whoa yeah I was like it's not like a sonic youth concert right it was not great but I'm glad you saw that moment and then the other fun moment is I'm half in the bag at this point we've been there for four hours I've eaten I've drank everything I've had nine bowls of gumbo 28 tequila's and two burger sets and a blue chew and my mom comes outside she goes whoa you guys gotta get the hell out of here we gotta you gotta clean up and I hadn't had that moment in 20 years of my mom around me and my drunk

idiot friends going you gotta get the fuck out of here yeah it was kind of fun it was like a throwback to high school well then also and this is partly booze but nobody listens no I had to be like God we have to leave this isn't a bar mother it's a museum we're gonna get kicked out of here not to mention this fence can't hold no offense hold the cougs much longer no gonna hear sweet Caroline and just fucking dive over and shoot us we need some defense but no that was a great great party which by the way I'll say this we are we're comparing dads please and very similar but sizes your dad did give a speech of

course my dad I mean you could put six guns to his face he'd say go ahead and pull the trigger I ain't speaking well when you die I'm gonna tap him for the funeral I want the eulogy out old Steve no no shame I mean first of all I hope he dies long before I do I don't know you never know great great Seinfeld joke that's a great it's always tragic when parents outlive the children yes I hope my parents died long before I do but you know you'll get silent re or you'll have a root canal mishap or get you in 2023 and Steve's gonna have to pipe up yeah we'll see I don't see it happening but no great I can't wait he loved tea

and cookies I don't think he knows that probably right he'll be like he loved coffee and cock right well but then the big wedding Sunday Thursday well yeah I mean you're forgetting the after party after that we went to the MRB on charters and Sam's banged up Sam's like we're going to Harris yeah Stavros by the way not a lick of booze which I commend you for that because he's like newly sober you you you know the you know the ropes right he's he's eating fucking licorice rope out here and he's got a cool it and he's trying to lose weight and be healthy great moment Sam told me they go to the they go to the

casino it's been eight hours of boozing they just flew in and they go eat soft shell crab at a gas station parking lot that's where they're at sitting on the curb just and he goes Sam goes man you got to be pretty fucked up to eat soft shell crab at a gas station and Stavros goes I haven't had a dropout so it was the line of the weekend which by the way you'd have to pay me $350,000 to get me to hang out at a New Orleans gas station after the sun went down that's true we have to put you like the Pope mobile I got a sharp cage bubble boy I mean no chance I won't go to a gas station hey it's making a gas anywhere I call this

area the gas station but oh my god that smells horrific get some of that that's wild what a gas digital hell good lord fatty well I had a morning smoothie usually have it a little later in the day and morning smooth and that's it wasn't a big I'll be morning my nose so wait we got to get to the wedding yes wedding after party was great by the way the whole thing Hanley showed up for a minute shut up to Hanley because I was like where the fuck are you come on get over here you're in town you should come to this and he goes I've already taken a sleeping pill and I'm in my pajamas and I go well now I hate even more travels

with pajamas yeah good point was he a sultan so a sultan battery so he shows up thank you he was like this is my gift to you I'm like oh thank you sir for hanging out at the city you flew into and you know see the groom whatever but he showed up it was fun and then I woke up at about noon to 3,000 texts and 18 phone calls for May the wedding planner my mom where are you did you do this did you go do that did you handle that did you get the marriage lights did you pay the guy did you get the money and I was like but I was so hung over that I didn't know what was what and I just called the wedding late and she's like you did all

this shit right because you got to do first looks at two and I'm like huge biggest mistake my biggest regret of the wedding was getting that fucked up the day before yeah that's forgetting one thing you didn't know that you couldn't state sleep in with me that night that's right tell talk about that cuz I don't even know if Joe knows about great point a little bit about this so I get home from the bar a tradition I get home from the bar and my key doesn't work for the big wedding suite and I'm like huh and maze looking out the window going we got you a different room you can't sleep with the bride the night before some

horseshit law that they made in you know Haiti in 1941 or whatever so I'm like huh she's like you gotta you gotta go downstairs and check into a new room and I'm like you know I'm like hunched over I'm drunk and I was like okay so she's like here's your shit I was getting thrown out immediately she hands me all my shit I got a clan hood and a pitchfork and a shovel and all this shit I was like all right so I put all my shit together and I got the suitcase like that which is never a good sign it's half open and I go down there I do the thing I get my new room so I have to check into a new room and I just conk

out and that was a bit of a nightmare I can't think of a bigger waste of money I know doesn't make any sense no I'm gonna see you at 3 o'clock in the afternoon it's all retarded but you know to each his anal so yeah then the big day of the wedding the big race I really had to get myself in a shape I was like slapping myself I was with the photographer apparently getting ready they shoot that you know I didn't know about this so he's like where's your crew you know you get your sweet here you gotta have your crew y'all get ready and do your bow ties I was like I don't know so I'm just alone and the

guy's weird photographer I've never met in my life is sitting there and I'm breathing vodka on him and he's like you got to tie a bow tie I don't know how so we're both watching a YouTube video this is like three hours for the wedding saddest thing I've ever heard it was so sad and I'm like I was just roaming around I know I should have called I didn't want to bother anybody I feel like I'm putting a lot on you guys to come here and do the thing and go gay and whatever so I'm like and I'm putting it on and by the way tying a bow tie is not easy no hard so that took a half an hour and you know where are you where

are you so I get my shit together we go out on the street to do photos with the bride I see the dress you pretend to care very exciting I'm in a full tux and we do our vows and then you walk up well I gotta tell you I shouldn't even talk about this I told a bunch of people at the wedding I'm like guys I just saw Mark I've never seen it he's broken I've never seen anything worse because so from my end of the asshole you know I wake up and again everyone wakes up late because I went to bed at 12 30 and I don't drink so I'm up at 8 30 yeah and I'm out you know trying to hide from the cooks that's the only time of the day I

can hang out yeah free of of Cookeland so I was out strolling around which by the way I love New Orleans in the morning that's a low sun you're just strolling around it smells like piss yeah by the way maybe you can settle this I and I were debating and I'm a hundred percent sure I'm right you usually are which city smells worse walking around New Orleans or New York City oh well you are in the French Quarter yes that's true so I'll give you that so New Orleans I think smells worse on the street but obviously the subway in New York is pretty bad yeah but and again you got to go to uptown New Orleans it smells

fine well this is the thing wait I had a had a I had a point but oh here's my point and because Ari was like no New York's and I'm like well first of all you live in Alphabet City like idiot you're a 50 year old wealthy Jew you should live on the Upper West Side but you're a traitor to who you are you want to pretend you're a hip and cool or Puerto Rican whatever Trader Joe's so I'm like your neighborhood sticks but like when you're walking midtown when we leave here we walk to Chipotle there's not an air of solid pit New Orleans is piss it's a beautiful city I love it and puke mind you it's puke and piss and seafood not a

bad not a bad or not a good combo yeah it's a bad call but anyways so I love New Orleans in the morning we're walking around I went to breakfast I met Salicus and Stavros for breakfast then Ari and his date came over we had a nice big breakfast strolled around we went cigar shopping we got a bunch of cigars we went to the local tourist place where they roll them in hand yes yes big spot hit later but those aren't real cigars need to be aged so it's those like you give those to the amateurs which is nice and they were a smash hit at the after party oh yeah then we go to the other cigar we bump into Ruby we bumped

into in finance we still around a good group just a great day so I like convention we walked and smoke we're up a walk along the river me Ari and his buddy and what we're smoking and hanging and laughing and then like the day starts we got ready for the ball Cinderella you got that right then we're walking up the street and I go is that mark and may up there yeah and buddy I was worried yeah I've never seen you had a different voice a different look and you kicked us out well in my defense we're on the street it was public I'm hung over out of my mind I'm trying to pretend like I'm not because it's her big day sure and we're

doing vows I can't have a couple comedians come up on a vow that's brutal we walk up and I'm like hey look at this I was I was embarrassed I was embarrassed personal you go okay well you guys got a woman there for 20 seconds and you're like you got I gotta ask you to leave and it was like a different face different voice different gestures hurt and I was hurt you were like a cop you're like you gotta keep it moving but and then I got a little defensive I was like well we're just walking by me weird if we didn't say hello we're just saying hello I love a hello but I was I was embarrassed about the hangover I was embarrassed to be in

a tuxedo in the middle of the daylight and I was embarrassed because I was mid vow even when I can't get it up you're nice to me whatever and then you show up but I'm like oh it's my most vulnerable moment we were walking away and then part of us was like it's a street we should just go back there and be like fuck you we're walking and so mean anything by it we went we were like he's broken this is it it's gonna be this is terrible either then well you know we went you go get dressed and it's so exciting I took a car over and then I bumped into Donnelly and Will Silvance and Fiori and everyone's packed into

that little courtyard and all the comics you like the comics over here yes that was exciting I'm telling you I'm like he's broken these law we lost Norman he kicked us out he yelled at us and they're like he'll be fine I'm like I'm telling you it's bad and you came out you look like a hundred bucks hey thank you hey folks Tuesday's stories is brought to you by Ray Khan skip the stress and the shop online is snag some of the best deals of the holiday season on these premium audio products from Ray Khan their wireless earbuds headphones and speakers offer premium sound couple fit and up to 54 hours of battery life

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Khan's exclusive holiday bundles is the season jizz the season that's B U Y R A Y C O N dot com slash Tuesdays for 20% off your Ray Khan purchase buy Ray Khan dot com slash Tuesdays get on it happy holidays out of the gate just to spill out the wedding because I know where we're cutting it close here it's a special okay all right big day so we go to the venue beautiful venue we go in the courtyard we just knock out the ceremony we just want to get this this I would like to know we were talking beforehand of like how is Mark gonna be when he's getting married when you walked out in your suit you're like hey comedy in the

actual venue yes well I'm trying to come back to I'm starting to come back to life here I had a couple bloody Mary's and a perk is that plus you had to move the merch yes exactly I had a stand set up so yeah we get in there and it's in a court what do you call it courtyard or garden yeah Marriott courtyard there you go and I'm trying to be on my best behavior you know you want to just shout the n-word or something but it's super awkward they got all the friends and family there and the Sun is setting and it was a nice moment I'm just standing there and Sean Patton's fat he's doing the officiating and you get the kid with

the ring the cute kid nothing better than a kid and suspenders little boy oh it's very nice super sexy and then the then my niece comes out she's throwing the bullshit and the other niece is hates it you know and you go kids are annoying and then the bride the music pipes up and then Sean Patton does his thing and we do the rings and we went marriage and that was the end of it and Sean Patton got a girl's name wrong which I thought was fun yeah both girls names yeah I think you named both of them wrong which was funny is that the rehearsal before that he was like I got it can we get out of here I got this and then he fucked

it up and that was a fun moment for me so we did though we did the marriage and then you're like man that was uncomfortable man that was serious I hate the attention by the way if I'm not being jokey I hate that I yeah it's comfortable so we leave right out of there and the wedding planner handed me a parasol and a handkerchief I'm like all right now we're talking so we do are the famous New Orleans second line down the street maybe three blocks too long it was long dress shoes and these women I don't know how they walk around I'm wearing a pair of dress shoes like $500 Allen Edmond shoes by the way I want I feel

like forest gump at the beginning with the leg braces right you shimmy and you're shaking this horse manure everywhere but it's pretty cool you got this six-piece band with a front man in the front and he's got the whistle and he's chucking and jiving and you're trying to keep up with him people are up on the balconies coming out of this the restaurants taking photos of us it was it was a beautiful it was surreal it was wild and by the way Stavros is blown up like 50 people were like Stavros oh really I see you he was like Kennedy and Dallas oh wow they probably thought he was Paul Perdome but either way I kept

having to not because I would look behind me and I would see all my friends and family at a big black band with a trumpet just go and I was like this is the most insane sight I've ever seen just this moving party this wave going down Charter Street and then I look forward and the guys you know beep beep beep beep and I was like this isn't it's like a Zatarans commercial it was insane and then he you know the turn comes up you're like I will probably turn here to go back and he kept going it was long it was long it's great though I teared up during that no way they were when well they were playing amazing like the or

whatever just the way you are by Bruno Mars which is a sad or song but they played it so high energy everyone of the party was singing no you could hear the second line yeah but you could hear the band and they don't have any singers just everybody in the front yeah your smile whatever it is and I was like my my hair stood up I had goosebumps I teared up I missed this whole thing I was in the back I was making out with three of the girls it was amazing I was in the back we're gonna have asses yeah well first of all the comedians I was getting so fucking annoyed because the second line leaves and like half the car all like the

cell people are hanging out taking foot will so Vince has taken photos and I go hey hey hey we're fucking ruining the wedding right and they're all like posing I'm like we're assholes right we gotta go so I just only Mackie and his chick were like with me I was like come on and then eventually Ari like his buddy jogged up but I'm like it's like such comedian behavior to be like yeah that was crazy you put it at the stand this week I'm like we're ruining the ceremony right now but anyways anyway so we were the way in the back but yeah yeah so we finally make the rounds back and it was a great walk up to the venue

because May's nephew was like he's in a he's in a stroller I was like that's funny and then we go up the stairs and here we are we're in the venue and it was so pretty and you go you look over here there's a full menu full food section and you go over here it's a full bar there's a fucking quartet 3 3 3 trio yes that's the word and you go down that hallway and it's just dining room and fun and party and then you go out to that courtyard baby there was that fun back porch with the with the railing and you overlook the band the mixed nuts were ripping oh they were hot and then you walk down as a fountain bubbling and you

go in this room it's a full-on oyster bar with a shucker mother shucker this guy was popping them and twisted and shuck it and jiving and just big bed ice with oysters on it and you go to the next room it's a photo booth that everybody's cutting loose in there and I remember just thinking this is fucking great this is great and then of course we have to do the speeches which I gotta say this is gonna get sampy but so touched you killed it I mean what a speech May's sister went up my brother went up and then you went up and closed it out strong big laughs you did some riffs that killed a couple riffs and you were poignant and

you made some great I hate the speeches because I'm just sitting there and I'm watching it and everybody's watching me watch it you feel like a retard but you suck up look over there I kept telling myself act like a normal person just act like a normal person like act like a normal person would do during this and so I'm just sitting there smiling and they're all very nice because they have to be nice the sister the brother but when you went up it was like you said so many nice things I've known you for so long and we never get vulnerable yeah and so it was a it was a wallop and and I know nobody wants to do

that it's a lot of work you got to sit down and write it and I was thinking about all that and it was I felt indulgent like I make it my friend do this but I was also like this is so good and it meant so much and it was funny and yeah that was that was nice I had an email to Alan no Alan's like I want you to send it to me I want to read it oh I was typos and he's like send it over so he's Alan's got it I'm scared to see what he says yeah but I put a lot of work into it because you know you get to give a speech and you don't want to sound like a douche and I've given bad speeches before had to make amends my uncle's speech it was bad

it was so bad I heard about it yeah people talking anyways but yeah so I put a lot of effort in it and it's hard because you just want to hang out of course Wednesday I think it was Wednesday morning or Thursday morning maybe it was Wednesday morning I can't remember what morning was but you're like I gotta blow everything off I gotta sit here and write oh wow because you're like it's gonna come and I won't have anything you gotta prepare and I was worried it was too long and then of course you got to read it you want to print a piece of paper and I'm like trembling I can't you know all you do is

tell jokes every night in front of people but her dad's standing there and your dad's standing there and comics tons of comics who you respect and want them to respect you comedians and I wish I delivered it better I was shaking like a leaf it was endearing I saw your hand shaking that meant a lot to me and just the balls I kept thinking about Alan like courage you have courage okay that was courage baby that took a lot of balls it was great it was a lot I felt like Norm doing the last letter I was like you bet your ass I did it was a big responsibility was very exciting but I think there's a photo of us hugging

after a beautiful photo I have a whole video of the entire speech close-ups of you that's that's the 20-tier yeah that's it's on the patreon not what's going up this Thursday put a put a paywall on that puppy yeah it's worth the price of admission when this when this episode drops it will have already come out in the patreon so if you want to see Joe's wedding speech sign up I mean if you've sent it for a month watch it and cancel yeah no I was killer well it was a lot and I gotta tell you so I was I was trying to write it in the room and then everyone starts texting like we're gonna meet up and then I was like

I need some inspiration so I was listening to Pat Benatar we belong to the land we belong to the land and it really got me going I was getting emotional I was writing and listening to it and I was picturing like us as boys you know with my green jacket and your blue jacket and being like well do you like Seinfeld and then I was just thinking about you know all the times here and the stuff and it really went back and then it's hard I feel like I offended May though because she was like I have one note about the speech she said we don't know each other that well I feel like we've spent a lot

of time and I was like I was just trying to express I don't know her as well as I know you yeah that's fine I was worried I heard her feel why it's also kind of a compliment like hey I want it I feel like we do know each other you know no no I felt bad that I heard her feelings no I think it's fine but I was like that's the note you get you're good also I'm like I'm trying to read the things I kept fucking it I can't see my own writing my hands like I'm like Michael J. Fox up there yeah yeah but but the point it's hard to talk about you I know you so well and then be like well man I like her I don't you know we're not I get it

yeah we're not working together for ten years sure sure yeah I just I had a moment sitting there you said two things that really grabbed me one is like look how lucky we are we have to realize how lucky we are you know you walk around you're stepping over hobos to her who are you know shaking like you on the sidewalk and we're at this lavish extravagant wedding with a fucking oysters on the half shell just right here and I was like oh shit he's right look how look how lucky we are look at this giant wedding and then the other things escapes me well the line I was proud of in Salak uses like did you

write that was I feel this way I was hurtful yeah but the thing is a marriage is this thing everyone speaks about marriage at the toes but to me I'm like a wedding is not about two people it's about everyone you've ever met and I'm like this is a wet this isn't a marriage this is a wedding yes so to me it's like let's all look at each other by the way I think the Seinfeld line bombed the the Yates which I thought was yeah it's too smart for the room yeah it was a it was a lot of work but yeah so now yeah that song reminds me of us I want you to put together a compilation of we belong to the night we belong to the someone do

that on YouTube or something get a nice through the years fart in farts and you know the the Brad Garrett book well oh yeah so I just got to say I remember what I was gonna say oh shit I lost it oh I was just thinking when I was sitting on that rickety wicker sofa watching you I was like we've done a podcast for nine ten years whatever it is nine years so that's a lot of hours yes just sitting here talking how much who has made someone laugh more than we've made each other laugh you you can't beat those stats yeah I mean with just that that hanging that much hang time on a comedy podcast is

gonna get some yucks it's a lot of yucks it's a lot of time and it's a lot of effort and a lot of energy and yeah you know yeah getting here and the whole course and it's quite a journey of course and so you want to celebrate and it's hard because it's like you're talking about a marriage so it's like you're trying to you don't want to make it about you but it's like my only way to talk about you is to relate through me right like what you've done for me and I imagine for many people so I didn't even know about that by the way that was news to me well I thought it was yeah I thought I was very I was proud of the

speech I wish I delivered it better that added the shaky the Michael J. Fox added to it it was Muhammad Ali you knocked it out of the park and you were shaking yeah good point there you go oh Muhammad and but I could wait for it to be over to be like okay let's let's go right after it was great because it was a great speech you killed it and then it was we're done with everything we're done with the second line we're done with the ceremony we're done with the speeches we're done with everything now it's mic drop party time shoes off and cut a rug and get some food get some booze and and then of

course the Springsteen kicks in and then it's now it's official well let me just say this real quick because there was a moment so we finished that and so now I got to come down because that's high oh yeah higher than Hunter Biden and now it's this difficult thing it's also true because you want to give a speech but it's also hard because you're like then people start being like that was great that was nice but you want to be like just I don't want to be the guy I don't want to hear yeah we got to move on yeah but what was hard was so with the venue the dance area was very little yes dancing didn't start for a while it was

kind of a loungy hang which is where I struck as you're trying to like you're not drinking people are kind of talking or whatever I'm like let's rock and then eventually everyone it was a lot of like hang we ate and that was fun you got to get the right seat and the whole thing then the mix nuts killed a band they ruled and then it started to go and I was like let's go get on that dance floor and then everyone started to go nuts and for a while I was like how are we gonna do this it's too small which was actually ended up being great because we were packed in it was like a mosh pit yeah there was a big fountain in the middle

of the courtyard so you had to work around it so the band is here and the fountain is here so you're just in that little sliver and then everyone just got into it and went crazy I was pouring so everyone's sweating Doug Key was all over that dance floor and her family and friends and that's when it really is magical it said they call it what they call that the flow when you're in flow when you get really great at something and you start doing it flow state flow stuff that's how I felt just everyone dancing you're making eye contact with everyone yes great celebration I just got emotional and you're tight in you're

like he said it's a close small dance floor so you're you're close and you make me want to shout and everyone's doing it in unison and you're all energies are colliding and oh boy it's something nice oh it was blister in the sun and centerfold and all this great shit and then I got nervous again because the wedding planner comes up it was very attractive also and did a fantastic job and she comes up and goes okay so you're gonna sing with the band and I go what I go no what the fuck are you talking about she goes yeah that's what and I said who's to said that right and then I couldn't hear because the band was

playing she's like scoopable so I'm like I mean I guess I'm not a whatever and then I go over to May this is also a funny moment I'm like hey so they asked me to sing with the band is this something you know about she was like oh I think this is Mark's surprise for me and she's like I think you just blew it she's like that's great but I think I think you just blew the surprise I'm like this doesn't feel like a mark idea yeah I don't think so now she's like that's hilarious you just gave away the surprise but I can't wait great I go to you like you want me to sing with the band and you're like no what is this and I'm

like well someone told me I'm singing with the band and then I don't know how I found out but Salo Salacuse I go sit in the Wicker couch that you were on earlier and I'm like looking up lyrics and I'm like oh my god this is crazy you don't have assignments so now freaking out again I'm back in the speech boat I had just gotten over speech just had your moment you're done and I go through they asked me to sing this is crazy like freaking out and Salacuse goes you know whose idea that was he does this like I'm gonna suck him off be like oh thank you and I'm like this

you fucking pimple yeah I'm like I'm trembling and I look like a dick like I'm like attention see I look like the guy who's like let me add I'm like you fucked me so then I go find you and I'm like hey this is Salacuse's idea then you go he told me it was your idea he did and so then I go what I go no it's not and I go back to Salacuse and I go hey Mark thinks it was my idea and he goes no no it was my idea and I go back to you and I'm like hey it's not my idea yeah and then in the meantime they're like can we get Mr. List up here and then I go to the band and I go hey listen guys I'm not a musician I don't

know what I'm doing here and then the leader of the band goes don't worry we got you that's a good band I'm like great okay so they're gonna lead and but I didn't realize this they had they don't know the song this isn't part of their repertoire so I'm looking to him for a cue and whatever and the three singer ladies just stand there like this so I had no help and they I was all over the place but you guys danced it went crazy during it was fun if you asked me I didn't know a thing you were great you killed a hitch well everybody went crazy so that was I was glad to see that and then afterwards the party after the all

of it one of the lady the black singer came up and was like you you are fine I was like well I'm not a musician and she goes no I saw you I saw you and I heard you yeah when a black woman says I see you yeah that's good she was like Bush on top of the rubble she's like the people responsible this is all gonna hear from us right then she threw out the first pitch and then she went to war sure wrong country my little piggy was a book he was reading oh I forget my little piggy was the name of my journal when I was single it was something I can't remember my left foot or something little goat goes to the the market I

don't know yeah the little Martian goat or something like that Andrew Card from Boston is the guy that whispered in his ear oh it's fun that's a fun trivia there you go so yeah you killed the song I mean I didn't know any of this and I feel bad that you were you're having an anxiety attack when everybody else is yeah you know we're going at it and here's a fun little nugget from the wedding so I'm pretty banged up but I've been drinking for like eight days straight so I got to take it easy and I want to I want to remember the wedding I don't want to just black out and so my friend from high school comes up and he

goes I got you a little gift and I go oh what are we talking and he hands me a bag of mushrooms I'm talking a big ziploc where it's just popping and the seal could barely close and I'm these are these fat blue weird looking ones you know they look like the cartoon mushroom it's it's so crazy so I'm like oh so I start going around like Al Capone at Thanksgiving with the turkeys I'm just handing them out Liz's you know I'm feeding her like Caesar and throwing them people people like seals I'm throwing them in the mouth and everybody's on shrooms now and my little cousin she's 10 so she's a bit of a smart ass cum

guzzler whatever she's she's nice but she's a cute little kid and her whole thing is she's like what are you doing I'm like ah get out of here kid scram and she's like what's in your pocket and I go that's my keys and she goes now I was in a plastic bag and I go oh you know it's daddy's medicine or whatever the fuck I said and she was like let me see it and I was like why don't you beat it there dickless yeah and she's going I want to see it I'm like yep hey can a caretaker come in here can we get some child services something and she goes hand in the pocket so I go whoa that's hot so I'm like whoa easy there fatty

what are you doing and she's like what is it what is she goes Nana to my mom Nana oh Mark's got a plastic bag in his pocket and he won't show me what's in it oh my god what the fuck are you doing I'm 39 years old I'm my mom's like what's going on over here and I'm like oh my god I'm like shut up she's crazy she's gay when she's a kid the imagination you know and she's pulling at it and I'm I'm about to elbow her in the face and I just go alright and I grab it now we're doing this shit now she's doing the jump up I'm doing the the Hakeem Elijah on where I'm holding it over her head and she's jumping at it I have to keep

switching hands and eventually I throw it to like Donnelly he and he does one of those and she's chasing me around the party like what was it what is it and I go that's not that it's not I should have just made up like yeah it's a doll that's it's beers but yeah so I got off just by the skin of my foreskin I was gonna listen to this story yeah she's a cute kid and she's nice and all that but that's her whole thing she's a smart Alec she's at that age she's too smart for her own good and I barely got out of there but I popped a few later just to take the edge off and I was was I flying at the after party we got to that we all

I don't remember walking to the after party I remember talking to you for five seconds two girls purses got stolen one gal yelled at me she's like who are you guys I'm like bitch I'm from here and it was fun and after it was at our bar back at our bar a lot of characters we took over that fucking place we gentrified it and we had a bar tab going who knows how much money we spent I kept going extend it extend it so they just kept adding money and we had a grand old time I saw a lot of guys with little little whitey in there little smack yeah yam yam everybody was dinged up it was great I'm gonna see some woman came up

to me was like my feet hurt can I have a seat and I was like that's okay yeah not my feet hurt too and I gave a speech and sang a song so yeah I need this seat tonight oh bag and we had the cigars go and then what's the kid Jake flasquez yeah he was too nice to the button that drink he didn't drink he doesn't really go out he doesn't really party so he was on weed shrooms booze and high on life well he was wacky and I don't know him too well but I know the face and he came up and was like can I get a little bit of that so this is a fun moment so I told you earlier Ari and I bought a bunch of cigars like we're just gonna hand these

out like Santa Claus yeah is it my wedding Bobby Kelly got me a fucking $300 box of cigars I handed everyone everyone smoked an eighth of a cigar and threw the ground so we got some cheapo depots and that guy comes up to me and he's all tuned up I was making me laugh he was wobbly he was like can I get a puff of your cigar which by the way I've been doing comedy 38 years this kid he just arrived three weeks ago he's just asking for my cigar and I go well that's a little strange and he goes well really what I want is my own cigar and then I got to go open that box right there and he opens up about 14 cigars

and I go there you go young man and lit them up and sent them on his way I assume he's dead in the bottom of the Mississippi River he's on a milk carton I thought it was your son I looked over he's like a little whippersnail he's about this tall yeah he's handsome as hell I almost fucked him but yeah it was it was a it was a fun moment to have somebody be like can I have your cigar like what are you crazy and he's like I want a cigar and I'm like there you go that was fun yeah somebody was walking around opening that thing like it was the Pulp Fiction suitcase and we were all just he'd even had the leaves

in it you know it was great and yeah then you guys were sitting over there and I came over and said hey sorry about my life I hate myself now you were I think you were the MVP and you killed it the speech the song the whole thing and the dancing and that's a variety folks take a take a peek this guy it shows what you can still do when you're dry well I'm a slave to the groove you know me that music starts going forget about it I couldn't stop you can't can't stop won't stop but what a what a ceremony the parents should be feel great may killed it I mean that was y'all she planned it we got a lot of fights a lot

of buildup to this a lot of decisions and I go yeah that sounds great and she killed it I'm a lucky guy great wedding I was looking over at her I go hey that's me I'm in I can't believe she likes me you have that whole fraud syndrome sure but the wedding was great we went to the after party then we went to another bar after that which was a huge mistake and yeah then we went home and both just crashed and I you know it doesn't hit you it's like a death I mean it isn't it's a death of your single life but you know you're like I'm getting married I'm getting married you're so busy you're so wound up the whole time and then I saw

her passed out on the couch when we got back and I was like oh that's my wife yeah you got a wife isn't that weird and that's when it was like whoa this was a mistake now that's when you're like holy shit that's crazy I'm a grown-up and then you then you just try to try to make it work yeah you try not to die or let her die yes that's the key well there you have it folks and we got to give a shout out to Sally for the photos I mean you want to go see some photo go to your Graham Salak uses Graham he posted a ton of them these aren't even the professional we hired a guy and then Salak you just came in and fucking oh that

videographer I mean there was moments we were on the dance floor and a video guy came and he had some tool that makes it look like and I was like this video is gonna be in session oh yeah there was a moment during shout you get low and I was behind you eating your ass and pretend you steer it and I looked up and there was a lens on me and I was like this is gonna be a shot right here gonna be good this if you put that on the patreon oh to the moon that's lunch yeah post it all yeah it's gonna be great we paid a hefty sum for that son of an onion yeah yeah wait till you see it folks that was something else what a party what a

week what a life and it's been tough adjusting back to regular life I mean what a what a time I know I know it's I did like four sets last night and just to get back you got to jump in like a cold pool but we're back we're back here great up patreon if you're not on it you're a you're a tarred and feathered and yeah tell them where you're gonna be there sloppy Jalopy I got some serious dates coming up here December Madison Wisconsin comedy on state December 8th through the 10th the following weekend the 16th and 17th Omaha Nebraska funny bone then 2023 I'm out I'm out hard Cleveland Hilarities January 12th to

the 14th Cap City in Austin January 19th to the 21st Mohegan Sun in Connecticut January 26 to the 28th Denver Comedy Works February 9th to the 11th and then the big one March 2nd Chicago Park West did you do that venue at any point I don't believe I did it's a bit like 600 Cedar or something like that it's a Thursday night so get your tickets on sale now March 2nd Chicago we have a ton of Chicago Gays it's one of those towns where everybody always goes when you come to Chicago March 2nd yes big room so sort of graduated from Zaini's to this bigger room so please make sure you buy the tickets March 2nd

and then soon big announcement about Boston coming up that I think we've said out loud already but whatever that's gonna be big so big 2023 subscribe to the patreon subscribe to my YouTube for God's sakes for the next special that's getting ready it's cooking wait what well we're cooking you got another one cooking my God all pipes is there more prolific queef out there folks I'm at the the Wilbur Theatre New Haven is not moving at all Connecticut I know you're two inches away from New York City but come on out let's do it Connecticut where we're not selling at all and I'm at the Fillmore we added a show in Philly so you

know it's my favorite town to perform in Buffalo San Francisco at Cobb's always wanted to do that and Miami Zaini's in Nashville we got all kinds of crazy shit coming up Honolulu you name it so it's gonna get ugly 2023 is gonna be a banger we love you happy holidays praise Allah get on the patreon if you're not on it you're your kooky get a mug get a shirt tell Chuck he's fat about the patreon we're gonna make some changes to the patreon so big good great changes great change is afraid of change well we're gonna we're gonna announce it at the beginning of an episode of Tuesdays me but basically you want to

sign up before January 1st get on there a final month to sign up before some changes happen yeah you gotta be grandfathered in though if you sign up yeah if you sign up now for three dollars your grandfathered in for all the content yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all right well thank you everybody and thanks for having us we love you