Tuesdays with Stories! - #481 Poop Pressure

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

Joe spins an impressive yarn about a monstrous BM, before revealing that he finally went to the doctors and is unhappy with the results. The guys talk about ways to help his (not-so-bad) high-normal blood pressure situation. They settle on one thing: we must protect our queen. Mark goes to a festival in Houston, gets a bad seat on an airplane, and goes back to therapy. Are these things related? Find out on the newest Tuesdays! Our Stuff:   - patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories     Sponsors:   - Visit https://www.expressvpn.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com   - Visit http://www.liquidIV.com and use code TUESDAYS.

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing my radio is spitting at me folks here we are we're back Tuesdays with stories it's a it's a sad day a lot of bad news my wife died now okay that would be good all right but now Joe's in Hock I'm depressed I'm

dying folks we had a good run Chuck's gonna take over the chair just like he wanted from the beginning right now it's too early for you to talk yeah by these people are getting some of these people are they're coming at me hot why they're like hey thanks for bringing in Chuck you piece by the way I'm selling you right up the river I'm like Mark brought in Chuck so go talk to Mark he's done good things you know the patriarch that fat chick a lot of good he got turned down by several chicks you know but but yeah people are writing to me and look no further than this fella this guy he brought him in trust me I didn't know

he's a chatterbox I thought he was a you know producer yeah but ages I'm only joking it's only 300 400 people but maybe a thousand 401 it's like it's like the sharks and jobs man I don't know how many men maybe a thousand right but folks had a good run we'll find someone much better than Chuck to take my chair but paint the picture I mean you went to the hospital which was a big mistake I say if you can't get AIDS if you don't get tested no hospital no hospital well it was a hospital but it's a doctor I went to the doctor guess what he told me he said boy you better learn to have fun no matter what you do but he's a fool

nothing compares to you written by Prince is that dito no come on that's shenanigans honor oh you're off by like 38 years I love that song great song Prince running Cornell did a great version expensive restaurant that's the one yeah fancy restaurant yes that's a great great too boy that's the breakup ballot right there that's a hell of a tune great tune what happened to her I think well I mean I'm not the first one to say it somebody else said it somebody tweeted everyone had the same joke but it's like I think we are a great big apology she was the first cancel there's a lot she was a big cancel and yeah a lot

of canceling I mean canceling's always been around there's always been like lighting up the phone boards yeah it is called huh phone board is that what's called the sound board sound board you're lighting up yeah yeah yeah oh I see yeah like they would be like George Carlin whatever the million calls and all that and prior they wanted to shoot this is moving his hips yes cut the commercial they had to move the camera up above the hip whatever hey but anyways oh made the doctor's appointment had to go to a doctor I'm 40 years old yeah eat nothing but cheese and pussies and boy it's not pretty buddy you don't drink

booze you kick soda yeah go to Equinox with the gaze in the steam room I thought you'd be healthier a lanky son of a string I know it's I do a lot of push-ups a lot of jumping jacks I dance you know I'm the dancing queen oh man somebody had a great line oh shit he goes big J goes oh I heard you got married at Joe List concert that's fucking cold that's fun funny guy what a guy now did that Lewis confront you at all in Puerto Rican style knife to the neck really came at me yeah he was not happy really yeah it was bad oh it was bad well I told him hey you never invited me to skank fast he goes yeah I did nice I left

yeah but that was about it on that but he got me yeah I know what to say I was dead to rights he was like fuck Norman I know where I stand with Norman he's a fucking cunt piece he's not a wedding type no it was at my wedding we danced the night away yeah it worked out great for me I'm in with Lewis now no man I'm bringing Chuck in Lewis hates me I'm down for two yeah you really blew it and I got married I'm fucked Chuck is filming oh no filming we're kidding don't say anything but we're joking we love you we weren't if we were serious we wouldn't joke all I'm saying is to the people that have complained don't yell at me

yell at Shelby yes there you go he'll die soon you think you're in bad shape think about him who shall be he can barely move no he's got a healthy ticker he's just got I think he's got some sciatica I don't know what he's got sciatica sciatica oh boy Chuck is just you mean we need a curtain we're gonna pull oh curtain the great idea pull a curtain I love a cross here that's a great call it's bad it's one guy one guy oh believe me I'll tell you some stories okay great I can't wait a couple people they hate me too oh what is this what is this yeah they're dicks a lot of people are mean

they're just true a lot of mean people watch the most they want they like it the most that's why they're mean because they're obsessed with the show so they have to talk about it yes this is the show and we're not changing it you got that right till we go to a new studio and get a new producer yeah but yeah I went there to the old doctor and I knew it was gonna be bad you know I eat a lot of queso a lot of cigars but you know I go through the run through I'm like I walked 10 15 20,000 steps a day I'm doing push-ups since I was a fetus I'm doing leg lifts the whole thing you know I big smoothie every day okay

oatmeal every day but three McDonald's in a day is is excessive lot of cigar I mean the wedding fucked me I mean I'm smoking like full-body cigars back to back and I was getting McDonald's yeah once a day for a week you gotta think these mob bosses you know these fat Tony Soprano types eating eight bowls of pasta a day drinking every night they got a cigar in their mouth in perpetuity perpetuity perpetuity it never moves is sitting right there that nub they must be ruined yeah I think they die a lot the stress of killing you know goys and whops yeah so it's it's bad I don't know but I went to the first of all I had a

one of these full day you see you've always lived in Manhattan well for a minute you lived in Brooklyn or whatever hell it's hard to you know Chuck's in SSI it's like a field it's like you're going camping you have business in the back pack I had therapy at 1230 which was good you know I love the Allen okay I'm back in good I love that's great spot I missed the upper west side though but I have a good Allen session I go get a haircut but then I'm getting nervous I got the nerve is the doctor I freak out about the yes yes not your thing and it's scary the blood work cholesterol all this horseshit

blood pressure so I'm freaking out and I got a bunch of smoothies in me an oatmeal so I start to get the girl the girl the big girl go to get a haircut look and fly looking fresh and in the chair I got the big-time girl we got a boom boom yeah and we've said it before you know when you feel like a big muddy gooey shit that it's like it's resting on the chair yes I know it well like a turtle head if you remove the pants and chair it would just fall out of my ass yeah wow that's what's keeping it in yes it's not the cheeks cuz I feel like the cheeks are really the gates there that are holding in the troops well typically

the cheeks are the gate but this is like check the gate check the gate you're past that huh it's bad so I get finished get my haircut and I have this moment of like do I shit at the barbershop because you know it's men it's intimate ah there's only three of us in the building and it's like there's four chairs and seven years ago there's like a bathroom right here yeah so I go I'm just gonna go for it but I gotta keep the clock yeah time because you don't want to be in there all day so they don't know you're shitting to exactly there's a shit window so I gave a big bad Hitchcock movie big tip because I had a

10 on me and I felt weird asking for change that's a shit tip to exactly so I gave him 10 so I go you know I'm gonna use your bathroom and I kind of try to put that in his head I gave you 10 bucks so I get to use the bathroom I like it so I think let me rip out a shit real quick and it's an ugly one it's just a it's a poly it's a mud pile black yes yes and old brownie and you know it's an old Manhattan toilet so it's like it just it doesn't go into the water it's like sticks all around yes yes I know it it's a mess it's a burrito bowl and so then I do the first wipe and based on the first wipe this is gonna be a 40

minute project I know it there's a great parks and rec joke where he's like I keep wiping my ass it's like I got a magic marker magic marker yes exactly but this was one of the ones it's not even like a spot you wipe and it's just like across the ass the whole it looks like just a brown piece of brown construction paper right right it's as if a 57 Buick peeled out on it exactly so I'm like well I can't sit here and wipe the allotted amount of time that I'm gonna need to wipe because these guys are gonna bang on the door it's just clock it's three of us so I get a couple wipes and I go you know what I'm just

leaving it dirty leaving it muddy cuz I'm gonna go to equinox okay cuz equinox I can really get in there you can get to work it's like a laboratory you know you got your wet wipes you got your Kleenex you got your tissue you got your water you got everything exactly and I can see I can steam it off all this hold my ankles and let the steam bath it love it like a baby changing a diaper I want to come in and powder you so I go okay so I pull up so now I'm walking knowing I got a real turd bowl you got a turd burglar it's bad so I go hey take care guys appreciate just took a nice piss they have no idea

that I got a mud pile in my drawers you know what's comforting about this though is it's a nine million people in the city someone else is going through the same shit no pun intended someone's on the train holding the rail going hope nobody smells my ass absolutely yeah but not to mention the homeless there's gotta be 350 homeless guys that are eating their own shit you can get one of these and they'll know what you're talking about you guys are in cahoots kapootz so I leave and now I have this weird time where I have the Doc's appointment at 430 you know me I'm compulsively early but then it's only

like three now so I'm looking at equinox and then I start I'm like I'll just start walking in this direction but equinox is actually quite far and the longer you're walking with shit on your butt the more rash and braille situation gonna have and over time I'm no stranger to the shit cake crack it hardens and now you got some tree bark in there you know it's getting a little crunchy exactly I know it well I was a child so I stopped me too still so I stop at the Park Central Hotel 7th between 56 to 55 that's a little rich for your ass right that's it's a little rich for your blood I mean you got shit your pants well I

stayed there once when I had my wisdom tooth taken out and by my doctor moment same building as the wisdom tooth I don't know if that means anything I roller we got a whale so I walk into the Park Central and I'm trying to have my gait just a little wider than normal you're a cowboy I want to be a cowboy yeah I look yeah I do I look like Sam Elliott and I go up to the concierge yeah concierge a wartime cozy area and I said hey I got a shit here buddy no you can't say that I got I know I go I got an emergency I gotta use the bathroom and I said made up alive I pulled a little you know I

took a little trick out of your hat and I said thank you I said hey I stayed here last night but I had to check out that's good stuff Ben I had the backpack how you got the pack so he goes okay well there's a bathroom they're gonna need a key so I go great he goes I can give you a key to kind of gave it to me in the slide I think he sensed he maybe smelled me I don't know yeah yeah one of the senses he palm me a key I go over there I get in the bathroom and it's like curb like the lock doesn't oh what is this tale of unfortunate events it's bad and it's it is a long like not stalled bathroom you

can't get a foot on it no no it's fire it's like I can see the door it's like 10 feet away and twice I heard a thing I did this oh god because I'm not even shitting I'm operating a little metal thing you put in the vagina uvulum clefulum come on Chuck what's that thing you put in the clam specula specula yeah I needed a spectrum mobile but so I'm really cleaning and a couple times the door cracked and I put my backpack in front of it but it's like there's nothing in there that's gonna keep the door from over sure so it was scary got it all wiped and it was a 10 minute episode of just wiping and wiping sure

sure but thank god you have a home base where you could really get some work done it was nice so then I leave there then I got nervous because now I got a hotel room key in my pocket and I've been in the city all day that's like classic a fair shit like if my wife picks up my pants he goes what's this room key well one thing I know about lying mm-hmm is if you get caught and you say something more embarrassing they'll believe you mm-hmm it's a great trick meaning let's say you're you get caught stealing something at a grocery store and then you say something that's actually more embarrassing and stealing and just admit

to it even though that's a lie they'll believe that because they think why would he lie about that so what do you say you're like your that's a bad example but with her you could say you tell the truth like I shit my pants you can go all out and say I shit my not not a not an operation with the wiping but it just be like I shit my pants I had to go to a hotel she'll be like okay so that's good to know for the people that are out there cheating in hotels if you say why do you have a key you say I took a dump in my pants my pants and come came out the front yes yes and I was eating lipstick and that's I got all over my face but

any tips so then I got the room key then I walked around the park beautiful walk around the park and now it's time for the doctor's appointment but the nerves hit again so I get to the doctor's office and right away I check in there's the nice the three fat lady every receptionist is fat yeah that is true well they sit down all day I guess so but they weren't fat 10 years ago or 20 years ago I don't know when weren't they fat give that a good yeah yeah so I say hello they're very sweet I go I got a Doc's like flight attendants with gay yeah some point they weren't gay they were all ladies and now there's I'd say

60 40 gay yes good point okay but I die gay yeah we're all gay a little bit so by grace I sit down there and then I have now I'm in the doctor's office so I can see the stethoscopes and smell the smells and you feel the feeling so it's like because it's nerd nerves are a crazy thing there's always shit in you yes I think if like because I don't think you're ever fully empty no no because you're always eating the body's always so if you get scared enough you can shit that's true which is also a defensive mechanism with some animals when they get up to a predator they shit and the predator goes alright I'm out yes well I

think it also wants to empty the tank so you're as light as possible was that it maybe I don't know that sounds like something okay by the way my uncle Dale and I we used to go to the dog track and we would bet on any dog that took a piss or shit on the way to the start line great light I like that it was fun good one it's it's like a deniro with like his wife's pregnant you know pick don't pick him his wife's annoying or whatever so casino we get there I get down and I feel the the the queefs coming on and so I gotta go like can I hold this and I'm like I can because they're a bathroom and it's like the dreaded it's

like a movie she's like yeah right there and it's like three receptions and then even worse I go okay so I get in there and as I'm getting there the nurse station is like here so it's like the receptionist are here there's like three of them and two nurses and it's the end of the day so everyone's just chatting you know whatever they got senioritis sure and I go in there and I'm like all right just get a shit and it's what it's the most cartoon one of those like that loud like a jump like like like a raspberry yes I always say it and stop me if I've covered this before but every bar you go to and restaurant has

Katy Perry and like a Rihanna blaring and you can't even talk but then every bathroom I go to is pitch quiet we can hear every rabbit pellet hit the fucking toilet water with an echo yeah why play it Pantera you know like I'm dropping loads here you know like play some music this that's a bit I tried it didn't work have master of puppets on or yes yes give me Iron Maiden yes get get something going in there it's a good idea and then every bar I'm like what I'm gonna die for I can't hear you I know you're right it's a good point I have a point great point so I take a big diarrhea crazy shit and then you're like

waiting from the call your name call me by your name yeah he'd come I come out finally they call I go in there and then the nurse Gigi is sweet as pie and I'm terrified about blood pressure I've been worried about blood pressure so it's four years old it's like you knew it's also you willed it well I think where there's a will there's a gay I just it's creepy the blood pressure yeah it freaks me the fuck out that your heart beats every second for like 80 years it's insane I think about that all the time it's crazy it's like a battery that you need to have not die yeah and we don't we just put alcohol caffeine ambient jizz all over

it yeah and remember at the back of the party my thing was high so I'm like I had a feeling was gonna be high I go in there I'm like she's like you'll be fine don't worry and then it's like the classic day first of all when I was in my 20s I was like a hypochondriac yeah gotten much better come on and well I haven't been panicking too much these days but then but when you're 20s they're like no you're 22 years old what are you talking about sure you're fine but now you're 40 they're like yeah so I'm like stressed I'm trying to do like breathing exercises the whole thing and then like I open the one eye and I look at her and

she's like and we're like this I'm like is it bad she's like it's bad and I look and it's like the machine is like shaking I'm like fuck and she's like well it's probably high cuz the thing but you're like I knew it I knew it it was high very high yes hi the low number was decent low is good everyone says yeah but talking 155 I don't know the numbers 120 is ideal that's good 120 good 120 good 125 that's Chuck's goal weight but okay bad can you get can you just go to the CVS and get the you can do that but I freak out there but then she goes we'll take it again they take it again it dropped 11 points what the fuck is that

I go okay okay now we're cooking she goes we'll take it a third time third time 156 it went away what is this a roller coaster it is my life's a roller coaster I'm freaking out the nerves factor in I think and also I think your body did you a favor there fatty it was trying to get some of that evil out of you before it took the exam I know it's poop pressure yes PP Gigi so Gigi's sweet we do that the doctor comes in she's looking at it she's like yeah it's not good you know don't worry but but I'm 40 she's like I'm not worried you're not gonna die you know you can but she's like you don't need medicine right now

and I talked to a couple guys later at the cellar and they were like that's like a joke oh yeah don't worry about it heart attack we got a stroke double stroke over here yeah so yeah we're naming below about heart attacks and strokes are dead but so it's high and then they take the blood which was like I hate that shit now I got the results today she's in call but they email you the results which they shouldn't do wait for the doctor to call but my my cholesterol is high okay and blood pressure high cholesterol so I called Dr. Steve I love Steve the man we love you Steve oh he's the best so he calculates and he's like

you have a 2.4% chance of a heart attack in the next 10 years okay doesn't seem great but the national average is 4% pretty good you're below average because I think smokers and fat fucks you're right but he's like you got to get this down he's like you're not gonna die you're not dying he's like but if you want to live a long life you got to get these numbers all right all right and I hate to be ticked not Han Solo or whatever but you could have gone in with a cancer diagnosis or whatever the hell you know so there is that yeah I might still have cancer who knows but true she did the ear and the nose and then it was

all because I don't know the lady so she's like feeling my stomach and she's like do you have constipation blood in the stool and you don't have a good rapport but I was like my my bm's are awesome all right okay and I'm like I don't know how to yeah I don't know what level we're at but I'm like I wanted to be like I send photos to all my friends they're great I take dog legs they're just big brown things with curves in them sure sure been there so she said the heart sounds good the lungs sound fine but that cholesterol blood pressure it's because I eat cheese I'm all cheese all the time a lot of cheese it binds you and

then that's why you're shitting like a fire hose in the Civil Rights era well this was all nerve my shits normally are big logs yeah they're good that's healthy I you know I got a lot of I got the spinach I got the oatmeal I quit soda you know I got it I got a layback on the cigars and I think the Cardi I have no stomach for the gym I go to the gym I can't do Cardi at the gym when I run I run but then you my fucking toe hurts my knee hurts I'm old my back is gay well I think the walking just walk around the Big Apple really cut you down most people in America aren't doing as much walking as us at all but I think

that but I walk a ton I walk 15,000 steps on average that's good it's not enough to get the shit down so I think I got to do more full yoga full fuck I was doing MMA for a while I should go back there yes yes business you feel like you got to be that's so busy so busy I know bullshitting all the time so I got it I got it I got to really do some good exercise and knock out all the queso and the cheeseburgers and the fries yeah well maybe the cigars I won't make a char like one McDonald's a week one queso bowl a week one cigar a week I think that's even too much that's too much cafe top just drinking tea I'm shoving this

up my ass like a shit I gotta go because I've been Wolf and I go I'm in that lounge now eight nine cookies because they're just right there I know I'm having at least one chocolate brownie every day I mean like a child but the problem is I have this is what I got to work on I have a childish mindset of I have to have a vice which is no way to live I'm like in my mind I'm not drinking 15 captain and coke so I'm like I get to have a brownie right four cups of tea because otherwise I'd be doing this but it's like well that's that was fine for the first 10 years of sobriety yeah well you're not alone I mean I think heart

disease or whatever the fuck is the biggest killer of men in this country I know well chuck will be dead by the end of the podcast that's true he's already wheezing but yeah well we'll work on this together we're all fighting for you send this fatty a nice love note and a kiss and a hug a workout give me some you know what I need is some recipes I don't want I have I can't cook my parents fuck me yeah it's the Irish it's all potato and cheese all I rate my whole life was pasta mac and cheese potatoes whiskey exactly Don Gavin is a joy goes my mother thought water was a spice how's that tasting you can taste it that's

fun let me boil it some more funny funny guy hey folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by VPN are your Google searches going to put you in on the naughty list this holiday season gift yourself the gift of privacy with express VPN private mode doesn't keep your activity private you know what you're looking up folks all that cookie stuff that kitty whatnot an animal anal and all that milk crap it's all out there everybody knows about the steps sis your internet provider can see all the websites you've clicked on they know how much time you spent on each of them and they've likely sold it to

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the official underwear of comedy big fan of sheath I'm literally wearing them right now I'm sure Joe's wearing them right now the ladies wearing them everybody loves sheath separate the dog and the balls Jews and Palestine skateboarders and rollerbladers republicans and democrats US Army soldier in Tuesday Robert Patton knew there had to be a better way to keep his dog from sticking to his leg and sheath was born it comes in a lot of patterns colors and for any occasion I got a Jewish one for Hanukkah they didn't leave out your ladies either she does boy shorts sports bras and bikini briefs go to sheath

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your blood pressure down to a certain amount of do it big money yeah it'll be like the opposite of a telethon we want to go down the other way but this is the problem if you guys go to the doctor the doc you guys go to the doctor only helps me if you're also fucked true it has an adverse effect like Sarah's like my blood pressure is perfect and I'm like and then there's people that are like like stavros who is seven years younger than I am he's like no my number is like great are you kidding and then you don't want to hurt his feelings but you're like you you fuck are you fucking joking but he's 14 years old sure sure yeah

wow he's 14 but he's like in bed shirtless like a Roman king with a plate of wings and a pizza and a whore I'm like what's going on here how is he not through the roof well this is what I've talked about before and fat people I feel bad for fat people because they're gross but I feel bad because they don't want to hear from a skinny guy but I've been saying this for years fat people like fuck you don't talk to me about diet but I'm like no I have a great metabolism and I'm hyperactive so I'm always bouncing around like a lunatic but which helps but I'm like my dad my numbers are as bad as a fat guys right

not I eat wings and fries like four times a week sure sure so it's almost better if you have a lie you get fat yeah you're like I'm a piece of shit I got to change my legs over here like right getting laid it's like a white homeless guy you know I was like oh get it together honky you got privilege and he's like I have schizophrenia what the hell I know I'm white but I hate the skinny guy thing because skinny people have to work at it too right we don't all have a great metabolism I think maybe we have a pretty good one we're lucky but some guys just busted ass all day trying to be skinny I know I feel

like I'm like I do I do go on a five mile 100 pushups exactly I'm not just you know whatever yeah if you didn't do that and ate the way you ate and smoked and all that you would be you know what's that guy the governor Kris Kristi thank you I couldn't get it out Krispy Kreme well I did think that last night I was like on the bright side I'm like imagine if I didn't meditate that's what I'm saying I'm like my number I'd be like I'd be like 380 over 290 be patrice yes there you go I'd be a genius same diet by the way I did a comedy contest he was hosting or judging with like eight other or three other

guys I watched him eat a pizza a cheeseburger and fries a strawberry milk shake and wings in this like two-hour setting that's wild and then you're like yeah you died come on what do we think's gonna happen that was this one two-hour moment in his life who knows what he did after that I know it's hard though it's hard even right now we're gonna finish the podcast we're gonna go Chipotle I'm gonna tackle you I'm not gonna let you do it so I had smoothies and a note me I'm gonna really hit the gym you know what they need is a a for queso and McDonald's Q and Q Q Anon Q Anon they need Q Anon Q Anon it seems

like fun yeah they drink I think they're drinking baby blood or whatever that's healthy no they think we drink we're in show business they think we're eating kid come I would love to where is it I can't find it I wish it was easier find kid come it's a different green room you gotta go to an organic food store I think got it vegetables you like vegetables I like some but broccoli I like broccoli is fine whatever fuck you broccoli but I like asparagus I like spinach I like you know what I like is zucchini love zucchini is nice I shove zucchini up my ass occasionally Brussels sprouts no you can't get him

near a Brussels I don't care for a sprout that's like Kanye near a Jew he'll freak out you get to find all the stuff that's like really healthy and like love that and indulge in that you gotta prepare that's the thing is like I don't want to cook yeah no you don't need to they got shit now but but plus the five best foods for you raspberry you need a raspberry I think so yeah not a jolly rancher I'm talking real raspberry but we talked about that what's the other one almond almonds all I love almonds almonds are great for you and go for your skin and lowers the cholesterol yes salmon I had Sam last night

spinach I had a big bowl of spinach this morning and there's one more I can't go blueberries blueberries I had a big bowl of blueberries there you go is after I have the spinach and the blooms I go eat 75 buffalo wings and three gallons of fries right blueberries have to become your chocolate chip cookies that's gonna be like that to follow joke we're like why don't you eat an apple what was that joke how's that go it goes instead of having an ice cream have an apple he goes yeah I always bite into a granny smithing goes what is that nutty butter or something like that chunky muck no chunky monkey

because what is that chunky fucking monkey that's good stuff anyways I'm gonna kill myself all right well we'll get that on the patreon too let me let me throw some nuggets at you please not chicken nuggets because you can't have those but Denver nugget some positives if I may I hate to throw that into your esophagus now I need it I need a positive all right does it pertain to me no let me let me try to pertain no no pertain all right pertain isn't that that's in diet coke it's not good yeah all right as burger so had a fun moment couple fun moments so went to Houston did the come and take it festival which was fucking killer I

didn't even know what's going on yeah Andrew Youngblood a lot of fun cash on Patton Joe DeRosa Jenny Zagrino all these fun people were there and I did the last final night and so I took the weekend off I'm like it's post wedding I'll be with the lady and then two days go by and like I gotta get out you know course climbing the walls so he goes hey I got this gig I'll give you a bunch of money you come down somebody dropped out do Sunday night we need a big finale I said I'll be there fly to Houston do the show killer we have dinner before it was great and it's in a warehouse 600 people Tuesdays at the yin yang Zod

hosted Jenny Zagrino did a guesty Shane Torres featured everybody killed it was like the hottest crowd we go up we kill it we drink after we sell merch we have a great time basically I pull an all-nighter okay flights at 9 30 a.m. because you know you want to get back sure it's a Monday bad for the blood pressure bad for the blood pee so I pulled all nighter and it's open bar one point I just I have this vague memory of young blood he runs the place and he goes open bar for all the comics and it's already like two oh boy and I'm like see have that I'm a married man I gotta get back to New York let's go home here we are and I'll

have a couple boy is this matrimony doomed I know I know so I'm just guzzling tequila it's open bar I'm throwing 20s at the guy I'm trying to tip good it'd be the big shot and I don't believe that but keep going well you know they were once but either way we're having too much fun I get banged up by blackout I somehow get back to the hotel I woke up on the floor I know the bed is here I was like right there I just did all the clothes shoes on you know chain wallet you name it you like hanks and what's the one flight no no the one where he's on next to the bed with the locket the locket yeah remember he doesn't sleep in

the bed oh it's fucking the one the castaway a castaway with the locket I could have gone island volleyball you know both sleeping on the floor with the lock I see you remember you're gonna throw castaway out there I mean lock it up thinking Titanic Wizard of Oz all right so we got the locket and on the floor I'm looking at Helen Hunt I'm jerking off and I wake up and I think I got a half hour you know and Netflix half hour and I'm like and I'm getting all these texts from like the DeRosa and chain tour is like I changed my flight you're crazy you're an idiot oh that was a classic squeaker so I go I can't do

this what am I doing and the ladies like how was Houston and I'm like I was great and I get my fat ass to the airport and I go let me check the app see where I'm at I got sunglasses on I have a scarf on my head like Jackie oh I'm so decrepit I don't want anybody to recognize me or anything I'm in the I'm in the line the line's crazy it's Thanksgiving week so the whole airport's a fucking shit show so I finally get through and I have all these these visions of grandeur about hey I'm gonna go to the lounge I'm gonna shit blood I'm gonna get a mimosa in me and regroup sure the line takes so long I'm like now

I'm late for my flight so I get through I'm just on fumes I haven't brushed my teeth I had no toothpaste so I'm just like breathing fire bad news I get to the gate and I go what seat am I in 27 K I even know they did K what are you flying to Hong Kong I don't know what K is okay K K I don't know what's going on so he threw five it's one of those those those jumbo jets with the a b cde fg I don't know how they got to K I'm just saying that's how far back I was I mean this is like Malaysian air I don't know we lost the plane so can I finish K okay K that's a Spanish word right okay so K so K means what K Adam's K means

because that's it yes so weird so every kiss begins with K so I'm like wait a bit I can't I can't I can barely stand I definitely can't sit in 27 K where you going oh we bring back water I'm dying for a lot of water thank you he might never come back he hates us might have quit that was bad we went hard in the beginning why go hard I just talked about the one guy that message me well many guys and he was like I hate you too I was like oh he's throwing it back I was the first yeah well he's in the bathroom crying yeah that's bad again place of music so you can cry but alright so I go 27 K and where we're about the board you

know it's like retarded people and people with disabilities come through and people who made a mistake and had children come through all that so I'm like and I just say oh there's one open first-class seat okay lay down wow this is a crazy flight what airline United hey United I know I know I don't love it but it was out of Houston early whatever so I'm like and I click on it 291 that's not bad it's not bad that's the last minute first-class lay down yes so I'm so drunk and hung over it in a stupor and I just said I can't I earned it and I push the button I got the lay down 3A yes yeah first class I did it I

mean that that's an $1,100 ticket F-class baby love it so I'm starting to like can I come back to life I'm like good for you and I'm trying to like suppress the feelings of like what are you doing you're wasting money you tip those bartenders $2 each you're blowing it Jerry so I just say I fuck it and I pop a sleeping pill I slept that whole flight I woke up to a meal ate the whole thing went back to bed the meal was gone my tray was put away my pants were zipped and I got back to New York and I get the text from Lewis wedding and he goes you want to do skanks tonight and I go I'm pretty banged up here

and I go fucking I'm doing it wow he asked me to but he didn't tell me you were doing it I would have loved to have you it wasn't wasn't my best hour I'll tell you that yeah it's tough it's a tough show to excel on it's a tough show and even if you have a I had like three great lines that just couldn't I couldn't get in there all you're going at it and there's weed smoke and everything yeah it's a lot of watching shows so it's yeah whatever clips yeah exactly and I also know how do you feel about this we had a couple of fans in the show and I can tell they were like Norman all right you know we're here for you and then

you're like oh now I got a really deliver and then I had a few lines that weren't great but they'd fake laughed to be supportive which to me is way worse than a bomb well this is the feeling that stinks about selling tickets and having fans is you feel like and I remember John again would always talk about this when I worked with John again years ago he would say that show I feel like I only lost fans oh it's like being number one everyone it's like you can only go down only go down once you have fans you're like oh did I lose people on this show like he's not as good I mean I've been to plenty of shows where I was

like yikes yeah it wasn't so great I was like a band I'm afraid and then I'm like boy that wasn't as strong as last time yeah well I do hear store I heard my friend who's not a comic went to a show of a comic we know I'm not gonna say his name and he did the it was a theater and he did the whole like notebook out he's like hey folks just in an hour I'm gonna work on stuff and they were like well this sucks at home yeah and maybe you know slide some new in whatever but you know he can't just open a notebook in a theater well that's like thank you Chuck thank you buddy appreciate it thank you it's ice damn look at the big

brain on bread wow Hawaiian joint that is not I just dripped it all over my face because I have high blood pressure but yeah thank you check this is all I can eat is ice apparently gotta get them at the border but yeah it's scary you're scared you're gonna lose the people but we had a story about Louis told that he had an opener one time at a big theater in a big venue when he was peak peak Louis got a peak and the opener was like reading notes like well let me say this one he's like what are you getting ready for aha Louis said that yes about this opener it's like you're doing this in a

sold-out theater opening for the biggest comic right what's the bigger show you know I mean like you're reading no you're it's implying I'm working towards thing but you're like so what are you working nothing above this yeah like this is a huge show how dare that guy I would I never say that but like what the fucks he thinking open opening a notebook opening for a guy first of all you're opening so you should be bringing the heat already yes heat yeah like I'll have guys who are like oh they'll do the same hour for like eight years they've been opening for me and I'm like try some new and they're like well I'm the

opener I want to do well I'm like I get that and I appreciate it but then I have other guys who are like I'm gonna do like a jazz set work out up there and I'm like somewhere in between those two yeah where we should be split the difference as they say yes split your pants banana split so get to New York I do I go do skanks and it is tough it is and this is why you got to love my my lady because I landed in New York I get back home and I'm like you know I'm all fucked up and she's like whoa you all right I'm like I gotta take a nap she's like okay take a nap it wasn't like what you have what happened why are you drinking so much

it was like oh yeah get it happen I'm like that's a good lady right there well that's what the first week of marriage is like that's what I hear but no that's great and I love that young blood that's a great party in the wedding I miss these guys that's why the festival is so fun I'm like hanging out everybody's in the green room it's high-fiving and hooting and hollard DeRosa patent it's a good group yeah I gotta get some young blood and Doug Key in my life we got to get the gang back together yes we got a good game we have a good harem of of queefs we know women well you know I don't see gender but either way now

now there's another great moment so me and the lady you know getting married a weekend whatever and then me and her are sitting around two nights ago we go let's get dinner so we go let's get some fun which I don't know where the cholesterol is on that but it can't be great for you it's just a big bowl of sodium and and beef and noodle but sounds like my pants so we we walk down our street you know our little cute street we live on we go to McDougal I don't find anything cute about it but sure that's a lot of hobos yeah but one guy was dropping a list on the sidewalk by the way checking it twice your shit it

looks like you know the black guy with the big dick who that means that meme no that guy yeah what your shits look like yes exactly yeah somebody makes that hey folks Tuesday's stories brought you by liquid IV I just got a new shipment love liquid IV when you're going through your daily checklist make sure hydration stays on the top of the list liquid IV is the easy way to stay hydrated get five essential vitamins and hydrate two times faster than with water alone with just one stick of liquid IV cooler weather makes it easier to miss signs of dehydration like overheating and perspiration so it's even

more important to stay hydrated you know me I like to hit the sauce I like to booze a little grandpa's cough medicine and it sucks that water right out of you so you got to get it drink it in the morning drink it at night I drink a few of them and they taste really good get on it especially if you work out or jog or anything like that got to hydrate the body works better it feels better use liquid IV first thing in the morning before a workout when you feel run down after a long night and to manage daily hydration my favorite flavor has got to be the pina colada also contains five essential vitamins and vitamin C B5 B3

B12 B cup it contains three times the electrolytes as traditional sports drinks made with good ingredients it's gluten-free dairy soy grab your liquid IV and bulk nationwide at Costco or you get 20% off when you shop better hydration at liquid IV.com and use code Tuesdays at checkout that's 20% off anything you order with code Tuesdays at liquid IV.com get on it but alright so we're walking down we go to the faux place we pick up our big jug of by the way faux if you pick it up there's like 38 containers because they give you the basil they give you the weird the jalapeno the leaves the whole thing I

never had it do they have fee fine from also count it on it baby alright oh my toes on the lines only a tube yes faux show but we get it and we walk back and there's the line at the cellar that lines up and now this is really a special thing which she didn't appreciate don't you hate when you're late doesn't appreciate something good hey look who you're talking to you want to just shake it we go this is big you should be absorbing this what time we were in the mouthy coast I'm like look at this skyline she's like oh I got a tweet I'm like get the fuck out of here you cuz I should have pushed her off the cliff oh

boy but so we're walking back with our bags of jizz we're walking back to the house the line of the cellar one guy goes comedy and then someone you know people start who's that I go thank you thank you and I'm with her and then one guy goes congrats on the marriage and then the whole line gets in the go congratulations comedy congrats the bride in the groom and it was like all right it was like I felt like a Babe Ruth that was Lee Lou Gehrig I'm like leaving with the little hat you know and the whole line piped in and we walked back to the house and it was great and she didn't care wow wow she's probably

hungry and we're all hungry it just it was it was a beautiful moment where just this whole line got involved and it was it was a positive little good good for you guys that's sweet that's a fun feeling that was not a fun feeling I think I need to go to hotel oak tree or whatever it's called Marlton Marlton it's something get a cat up your ass it's not like yes what no what's the hotel the park Hyatt oh Park Central Park Central Central Park 5 yes oh I got it Central Park Park Central there you go Central Perk you got to hit this Marlton hotel this is the best place in the business I had a nice lunch there

yesterday ever been Chucky it's great great meeting spot good date spot yeah and hotels are underrated because in New York you always need a bathroom you just sit down you need a place to charge your phone and hotels don't think they go coffee shop restaurant bar hotel well this is the best bathroom in the city because it's got a full closing door with the occupied vacant thing oh that's big you got your own sink you it's a fully private bathroom but this is not new I mean you're like Costanza when we used to go to stand up labs you'd be like hey let's pop into the beacon oh yeah the beacon and the Sheridan on 7th

is also a great place look at this text me I got the bathroom spot you got it baby co-stands and we did some writing in there once at the beacon yeah a little nook and we got together we did some rock road a couple jokes in there and that was you know the whole time we're like can we be in here they're gonna be on to us but they let us do it boy those are the great old days why that's why I threw a stab in the dark yesterday cuz I was just sitting there writing I was like pop over but there you go you're in the plane and yeah I went to I went to Allen for the first time in five months six months eggs and it was great I'm

hooked we hugged it out he said I had to wear a mask which was jar yeah you got to wear a mask in the office but not in the not in the room in his room yeah but I didn't know so he's like no mask I'm like what year is it I thought we were done with that I don't ask well facility doctor facilities yet legally you stuff to wear a mask really facilities I guess yeah but I guess it's gonna be a crazy year and the whole ever well we're not wearing them on planes it just seems weird to wear them but I like if you want me to wear it I'll wear it yeah you know it's you know one of these things to get into the whole Fauci but what was

gonna say I said Alan said he wanted to read the speech I sent it to him he told me what he say he said it was great he said he loved it he said something about high cholesterol after that but they stopped listening he gave me a wow with like eight oh I know that's to me what about you he's like I didn't like that he's pretty straight and narrow he doesn't he doesn't go hey that was great than to me he goes that guy's a goner you know he's not that guy does he drive you cuckoo sometime he'll be like this why are you getting upset I'm like well people will write to me and say hey fuckface you got piece of shit and he's

like so what they're idiots and I'm like that's not great it's not great it's not great it still has your feelings great I'm like that's what I wake up to yeah someone's sending me a photo of their dick saying suck on this you fucking loser yeah he's like well they're crazy dad just got Wi-Fi so but yeah yeah no I'm with you he is annoying with that we're like all right but you still got to acknowledge it hurts and he's like yeah yeah I get it hurts but they're crazy I'm like but it hurts oh he's like why are you afraid of the doctor I'm like well I'm afraid I don't want to die he's like why not I'm like why don't I

want to die he's just like accepted you might die stop it right being a fucking nikkapoo yeah give me a little empathy right no amp but at the end you know the empathy strikes back sure good where are we at Chuck I feel like we've been talking for two days I never saw one of these did we get passive aggressive but maybe we should start doing plugs earlier that's what the skanks do yeah all right where you at fatty well we'll come back there'll be more jokes to come yes yes I got a bunch of fucking dates here I got five texts from Salak use over here oh he's getting antsy all right January just

recorded a special big great yeah I'm excited big January Salak is doing comedy now oh god he's passing the seller big January folks hilarity is in Cleveland one of the greats that's the 11th 12th and 13th of January oh we're doing the PS 109 again January 6th that's a hot one and then Austin Cap City January 19 2021 Mohican Sun 26 27 28 so I got New England I got Austin I got Cleveland bunch of big ones then Key West February 3rd and 4th Denver comedy works February 9 10 11 and then Houston secret group I'll be down there with young blood on 18th and I'm doing Lafayette again I love Lafayette 17

Leonard yes love him and then March 2nd Park West Chicago it's a fucking barn I'll never fill it so please come to that for God's sakes and then Columbus funny bone that weekend so a bunch of big crazy dates great club that Madison December 8th of the 10th Omaha funny bone but yeah March 2nd Chicago that's the big one you gotta come Chicago I know we got a lot of gays yes and I town yeah it's a theater for fuck's sake so please come on my ass well the Chicago gays are rabid they're gonna come out and really queef on you that's a big market for us oh yeah so I'm gonna do a special next year early in the year just

throwing that out there you have a venue I got to in mind and I can't I'll talk to you after I'm I can't wait you call it weighing yeah weighing Wayne's brothers so oh coming up we got San Francisco at cobs always want to do cobs that was like one of my bucket list jizz face moments so that's exciting got cobs we got Buffalo helium we got the Wilbur we got Philmore and Philly we got Nashville Zaini's we got Honolulu I'm doing the blue note Hawaii yes Miami Improv what am I forget come on you son of a bitch smile you Midwest Southwest California oh Northwest New Haven the with Umar came

in a music town or town hall music or something like that so that'll be fun Mark Norman comedy dot com get bodega cat it's online it's now available in Texas at specs which is their liquor out yeah I know specs you know specs yeah I'm wearing some there you go inspector spec so then a speck of dust and then yeah yeah check us out we got specials we got YouTube sign up for our YouTube the patreon is rolling down the river folks this thing is looking good proud Mary keeps going up it's going up and up check you want to say a couple words about the patreon goal at 6,000 we're gonna do a live Tuesdays after dark and

we're at 5,800 200 more yeah we're doing the show yeah we're cooking and maybe pepper a few more big guests literally yeah we're gonna try to get some big old guests in by the way speaking of big guests and we talked about the flight and upgrading I had this embarrassing moment where you just feel like such a tool we're coming back from the wedding and I'm talking to Stavros we're on the same flight and I'm like where are you in the upgrade list and he's like upgrade list a first-class I bought a first-class ticket you're like it's so embarrassing I think that's cool I think what you're doing is cooler because

you're rolling the dice I'm gambling I didn't get it but I get it for her you know a third of the price yeah that's true but you're like it's like when you're you just feel like a dipshit say what are you maybe we'll get an upgrade to first-class and he's like I don't I don't do that anymore all right I'd have that in LA whether like where you stay and I'm like oh I'm gonna just figure it out yeah like what like that's fun they're like you're an idiot yeah they're like why don't you just buy the Beverly Hills whatever the fuck yeah but I love that stuff we're gonna try to get Stavio he's starting a new podcast called

Stavi land or something like that or Stav's world I did a nice episode it was real fun oh all right you're so he's gonna come on to promote that we'll have Stavros on that's gonna be fun and yeah yeah get a mug a lot of stuff cooking tell tell him about your blood pressure just to help him out and cholesterol I might have we should get checked I might have one other thing here hold on we might have one other thing folks hang tight no no it was the big fire at the desk the BFD all right well I feel like that was a little lackluster on the ending there you go for Thanksgiving all right good question

so my mom is kind of having a little empty nest jizz and she's like oh your brother moved to Madison Wisconsin yeah what yeah it's a long story took the kids and pulled up stakes moved up to Wisconsin no kidding yeah it's a whole bag of hammers but we'll unpack that but yeah so he moved up there so she's missing the grandkids and that narc who tried to out me with the shrooms and then I'm living in New York with the weddings I'm a married man she can't fuck me anymore so she's like please come back for Thanksgiving it's her favorite holiday she's a big cook foodie weirdo and we're like well we planned on you

know we did New Orleans wedding we're playing on doing with the lady the Thanksgiving she was like so we're gonna fly to we're gonna go to Boston do the Thanksgiving and I told my mom how about this we'll do a Friday Thanksgiving with you we'll do a Friday so we're doing Thursday bossed New Orleans fry back son double Thanksgiving a lot of fly like that cholesterol well you gotta the thing is with when you get married now you got to figure out the holiday you got to navigate those holidays and it's it's tricky and the first couple years we were married we just went separate ways on Christmas and enough people were

like that's not gonna fly yeah and so then you gotta tell one of the families like hey fuck your mother they really in and you just want to go I don't care about any of it but tradition is important because otherwise what are you gonna do he's gonna sit at home watching run Ronnie run with a with a dinner right what do you call that a microwave dinner yes what are you gonna do sit around and stew about your ex cable guy cable guy how about this by the way I think we might have talked about this Ron on Hershberg doesn't care for Chris Farley like Farley I've heard other people say that we don't like

Belushi who's Farley's hero yeah but Farley's a hundred times funny than Belushi I love blues brothers I just find Belushi like I mean Belushi is like a fraction of the funny as far really don't you think well I think animal house he really shines he shines he's good he's fine but I mean like SNL stuff it's not like yeah I think I was just shitty for the first ten years but I'm a huge blues brothers guy but Belushi the bee okay your dad your be a samurai I like that acroids funnier than him but I think he's kind of he's fine he's the party guy did the coke the whatever he fits a he fits a box like you got the

fat drunk party guy that's a funny character that you need right which by the way again he's like 1978 fat yeah true now you wouldn't even call him fat that's true he's not even fatter than Christcher no the Christcher might be fatter than Belushi no he's like portly maybe yeah like a doctor might be like ah you lose like 10 pounds better off your husky yeah that's a good point yeah but yeah Farley he was fat I mean Chippendales he's jiggling all over the fucking room but yeah Farley's the greatest it's just a very strange but then we started naming sketches and he's like I never saw that okay you don't

know you don't know what you're talking about these people like being contrarians and going against the grade shut up Ronnie get a get a personality very funny guy we love run on check out his special I've ever got Ronnie in my life but yeah we love he's a funny guy and a good egg I love that we're like wow we ended kind of abruptly let's just trash one of our buddies yeah well catch it on Farley he's the best Farley's great let's see if I can balance this full cup of water all right I think you can your hair is really a problem though I don't want to spill exactly I gotta go the I gotta go the I gotta really go to the gym you

gotta really bike it and suck it but I can't wait for Chipotle I can't wait to watch you get the the rice the pico and a water I'll get some queso the cholesterol with the cholesterol another day what are you doing well I'll have a sensible dinner now but this is like the alcoholic going I get a beer I know I don't get a liquor I want to kill myself I really do but you're happy you're healthy you got a career you got hair you got height you thin yeah you got Chuck you got a pod yeah you got some stuff you got a cool apartment you got a nice lady trying I'm trying all right folks well that's we had a good run this

one yeah we put in a good nine years oh yeah not bad I mean now you got to give it to us we out bat we out beat come down hyenas keeping Joe I mean the list goes on I know it come down with such a good idea too you know a couple buddies get together and talk about calm and gay yeah where do they come up with stuff like that really sounds familiar really cutting-edge stuff they had there by the way I want there's like a YouTube video of like how did come down get so big and like here's what they did I'm like this is our show come on one of them knew somebody or something I heard they knew a guy you see Kyle Dunnigan you know him

he's the funniest guy ever yeah he had Seinfeld on what he zoomed no kidding oh I got back in with Jerry tell me what the sign we're going long here the sign I mean it's not that crazy but it was Alan I was so flushed with all the bad got out of me because I just had all I was just piling up with the evil and the bad thoughts so I went to Alan I felt and I said I'm texting Jerry I haven't texted him in whatever months and I had the immediate down you're gonna bother when I said shut up you quiff and I just I said how's the new stuff coming he wrote back four seconds later and he said that's not great this movie's got a

hold to me and I go oh yeah movies that'll that'll do it do that to you I know what you mean I got married so see I'm just I'm laying track not bad not bad oh dude congrats I was gonna tell you to get married he said that and I go were you gonna tell me to get married what are you not what are you in the shower going oh that guy should get married you know what the fuck are you talking about these pep they love these older bigger guys love to tell you what you need to do I know a personal not even like you should write yeah like I should get a kid or whatever you like what so we went on from there I don't

want to divulge because it was a private convo and I've already revealed too much but we talk we talk we text we text and it's like 11 at night he's up you know he's a 60 year old 65 year old Jew and he's just up and Adam and I said something like well I don't know I'm freaking out he goes well next time I see it we'll talk about it which implies seeing that's good I'll take a seeing I haven't seen evil too dead evil dead to yet I'm not gonna get the first one yeah this is like the sequel shit alright well there you go folks so wheels are in motion things are happening things are cooking I'm gay

you're fat he's gonna die Chuck's gonna kill himself why would Jerry bring anything don't tap on the glass all right thanks guys we'll see in hell