Tuesdays with Stories! - #482 Downwind Hog

Episode Date: December 13, 2022

The boys are here and the holidays are in full-swing! Joe heads back to Massachusetts for Thanksgiving, and feels the spirit of the season in the heartland of the pilgrims. Mark gets pulled over while driving with expired registration and insurance. Joe continues to try to change his diet and Mark teaches us about the healthiest foods (even though it  heavily conflicts with his other very recent claims about the healthiest foods). Finally, Mark tries to go through airport security after taking a Blue Chew and things get hairy. It's Tuesdays, folks! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories    Sponsors: - Go to https://Auraframes.com/TUESDAYS and get $30 off today. - Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Tuesdays for 10% off your first month. - Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code TUESDAYS for 20% off and free shipping. - Use code STORIES at https://mizzenandmain.com - Visit http://www.liquidIV.com and use code TUESDAYS.

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing all right we're back folks what a whirlwind it's been thanksgivings over yeah thanksgiving is passing we're way ahead of what happened oh no took his shit off and got up and I thought 10,000 prayers just

got answered hey five times a day like a Muslim is that right five times a day five-facing mecca I knew what the mecca oh yeah mecca honey ho sorry I did a Becca how much how much energy ban with you put into the name of a partner what do you mean put into they have the name already well think about like like Becca I really liked that name that is a pop I like that name back I like the way it looked spelled out double C the double C I think and it rhymes with mecca mecca Becca yeah yeah you know it just like it was short and you know and it fits right in bean town Becca you don't have to you don't have to change it you know it's

like I get Mac or pack the cat but that's already a Becca Becca well here's the thing is Becky yeah you're fat fat or Becca you fit Becca fat Becky fat I mean wait Becca thin Becky fat sounds like you're speaking Hindu back a thin Becky fat yes there you go if you have a kid you name him Rebecca just start calling him Becca from the from the get go yeah go back earlier else she's gonna be a plump pig what about on Becky beautiful she's fake name and that's a fictional care her real name is Laurie Laughlin Laughlin or Laughlin must be Laughlin that's the X more sense Laurie Laughlin would be a fun well that's a

comedy wife Laughlin laugh in aha oh he's firing somebody or suing somebody or by the way I got a look at him and I was dead on with the Chris Cuomo oh like fit and handsome might get him as my divorce lawyer oh no no I'm joking first two weeks is very difficult typically well it's when the it sets in like a death the set in now may is that a full name may may not Asian huh see a lot of people think she's Asian on the phone they go hi may what are you Chinese tie she's like no I'm just you know drunk oh hi mate that's pie may what a great character's ever who's pie may hi may is the guy in a kill bill trains everybody

hi may hi may and pie may I see so may is the full name may well that's nice how do you feel about mark and may may day may day maybe maybe we'll keep going made for each other yeah you go you feel like you're made for each other cuz I never bought that mother may I know no I don't think so I don't I think soulmate is a little kooky I think it's all me yeah I'm a soul I think I think this compatibility that's what it comes down to right don't you feel like I've always felt this and this is not a romantic idea whatever maybe it is romantic but like that she's the one there's one for me there's one person I'm like I bet there's

literally 1,000 women I could partner up with and be okay sure I bet there's more than that yeah at least if that well you gotta be able to be on a fuck em also I don't want a Becky yeah cuz there's no zero Becky's I want to fuck unless they're fake yes yes I'm sure there's a Becky listening call in if you're attractive back but I'm guessing not if you're a Becky and you're a Tuesday and you think you're all right send a photo over we'll judge it attention mark Joe and Chuck we'll give you feedback yeah chuck will slip into your DMS pretty quickly feedback yeah yeah good luck chuck film I'm getting it's a piece of

shit did he have one good one that cook who Dane Dane cook did you have a good movie who am I thinking of Chuck and Larry also but also I hate it good luck Chuck I don't think I saw it's right I mean the whole premise is he'd like he fucks a girl then he doesn't like her I think that he has sex with like multiple people and then they get married to the next person that's what it is so women try to have sex with him to eventually find their significant I miss that I didn't see that at all great way to live to all these women want to bang you yeah Dane it felt like he was aligned to be the next Jim Carrey yes I

think it was too close to Jim Carrey that's what it felt like because he had a very similar I mean obviously not as physical yeah or not as physically gifted as Jim Carrey sure sure and I think the scripts were just shit yes that's the problem yeah you know yeah you think he would have but I don't know I felt like he could have broken it got a little wacky but let's be honest a lot of lot of shit movies they were comedies that hit like Rob the Schneider Deuce big mm-hmm that is a stupid movie but it worked well all the Sandler movies Joe dirt a lot of you know there's some gems of course sure a peppered

throughout mm-hmm but remember when the 80s when a comedy was good like trading places is a good movie I was sure and coming to America Blues Brothers Animal House but are we stripes are we just of that generation that's the thing cuz I told you I showed caddy shack to my brother-in-law not a tee he never said huh is that right just dead and he's a calm I think we've had this discussion before but he's a comedy connoisseur he's a consumer of comedy now maybe you were watching him watch it too hard sometimes you go hey hey fatty got to put this on and you go I'm not that guy I hate that guy I fucking hate that guy

I was just talking about this one of our friends is that I hate these people that are like what you never saw this you piece of shit cuz for me when people do that I'm like how about this I'm never seeing it yes agreed you got to be like this yeah you should check it out it's good you like it you soured me by the way I saw bones at all last night all what that's the name of the film oh I see bones and all with Timothy Chalagay and another lady he's a twink hot twink and Becky it's a big bag of cheese and I realized it's got 95% it got a literal 10-minute standing oh and what is beach film festival that is a long time to

stand it's Italy whatever it is 10 minutes to clapping these people are all pretentious retards at one point you got to go it's been about eight and a half we're good I mean I can't even imagine no some lady got a four minute standing over some speech she did about menstruation or whatever and that got a four minute and I was like even that's crazy well no I got like no applause at your wedding I fucking hate shit no one you killed nobody stood and by the way a couple wheelchairs there the whale this who's the whale Benny Frazier what Brendan Frazier Brendan Frazier the whale now he's the whale

called the whale and they got the movie oh that was your nickname for the guy he got a few LB's it was like a 47 minute standing oh this guy they just stood there for like a day and a half that's offensive to Hawking Hawking Steven ah he passed what yeah geez I thought he was too smart that movie stunk too by the way Benedict Cumberbatch no the other kid who's the other twinkie guy yeah he won the Oscar for it not better to come to batch the other guy the same guy though they look the same he won the Oscar and he was all like yeah whoa and it was the same year look up that year because somebody great oh it was Keaton he beat

Michael Keaton well for Birdman Birdman and Michael Keaton there was this great moment where a sad moment where Keaton is pulling his speech out there's like an animated or not animated but a gif or a gif yeah because everyone he was the favorite and he nailed it and he was awesome he's Keaton he's been around since he earned it the greatest and he goes to like get his speech and just like kind of sits back down what is that queef's name rent fro or rent Eddie Redmayne Redmayne Eddie Redmayne I wouldn't have gotten that but he's a twinkie he played a trans lady in something I mean everything yeah yeah

that's his thing but this was Chalamet who I used to think was good but he's he can act he can act but in this one he's like the same character as Lady Bird Lady Bird he's funny sure and he's acting the same way in this one but he's not funny he's supposed to be serious and if they eat each other but I realized 80 percent of the way through I turned to sound like this is for kids this is like my niece oh really it's like young people going out road tripping and eating people oh that's their cannibals their cannibals yeah interesting and it's not not great I just saw Barbarian that's fun I enjoyed I mean it's a quirky fun

romp Barb's bravers good I like the the split cut you know how they have a movie and then they just shut it down they start a whole new story and then they yeah it's fun that's a good time I don't want to give too much away but she's got some big swing and knobs I don't remember the no the barbarian that's the whole game oh barbarian I see at the game no no no no she's very lovely but they the old coups in the cellar she's got a couple of hang bags I'm just dying to see tits this is the thing so you've been married for ten days you get in a year two three years four years feels like the calendar's

flying by I would kill to see the secretary's tits the neighbor's tits my father's tits I'm dying to see a pair of nipples yeah it's all about tits if you I'll tell you go on the gram these days I pushed that magnifying glass whoa it's just fun bags galore magnifying glass it's called an apple discovery it's the discovery page but it's you hit the search button try it all right let me see if any nips come up the discovery page is basically an amalgam of your whole brain for me it's Norm McDonald skateboarding and tits I got Brendan Frazier just popped up that's weird they're listening that's weird it's

Brendan Frazier the whale Becky I got Emmy Blotnick Quentin Tarantino see it knows you notorious b.i.g. these are all people you want to blow by tall I got a Pearl Jam album cover see come on it's your brain and a baseball player a hen I don't know there's two different hens here though hen yeah this is this hen well rooster and there's that rooster I don't want to show anyone this here's another baseball tray this Julie Dreyfus looking you see it knows you I'm telling you that magnifying glass it just here's under the giant and Brett Hart oh this is right up your anal here's a lady long distance running there's

Matt McCarthy oh my god you see his jazzle neck you get a couple of yoga whores on there and that's I'm dead on as George Costanza another distance runner see this is something in high school kids dancing at Wrigley Field I ran here weird Al Yankovic I ran oh it's getting worse though here's Eric Newman there's another runner there's Schumer here no that's all I was born legitimately all right wow that's fine I never did the magnifying glass all there's no arm how about this wow I'm telling you man you never did it on accident I think my accident I saw it once certainly not on accident sure

purpose all right here we go let's focus boy I think I think my heart is getting better all right ran here hard on I ate eggs but you're saying eggs good eggs are big my nutrition I don't have a nutrition but I listen to this guy and he said if you're gonna eat one thing and one thing only eggs just tell you I think they're all recorded this is the third week in a row you've told us the optimal food and it's changed from week to week well if you're gonna be one berries almonds and eggs wasn't on the list of the top five the top five changed but those are the best things you can eat but if you can only one it's

egg okay that doesn't make any sense you're proud of that give it a good big egg baby the best thing you need is spinach provided you can also have cheeseburgers but there's no protein in spin I see you get the protein with the yolk do you ever wonder what it really feels like to have just a load of com shot into your throat I have wondered that but I'm not gonna try it all right well but I've wondered there goes my bonus episode idea patreon maybe it just on my chest at first can we get up to the throat I feel like the hair though would be because sometimes you when you come on your own thing you're just

pulling that hair it's like glue it's really gluey and it dries and your skin is stuck together like two pages and a 79 playboy the idea of any man coming is just disgusting particularly Chuck and and you know yeah yeah something about you coming that just really is off put it's awful I imagine a yellow tint I don't know all the Cheetos or whatnot it is chunks chunks I got the top 10 foods better be blueberries and almonds and spinach and eggs and eggs you know salmon salmon well number one is water okay whatever stop it stop it number two is dark green vegetables okay kale and spinach every day is whole grains I

never know what that means I disagree with that also what does that mean is that oatmeal that's an old is that brain you'd want to get stuff that's based in whole wheat so like if you had bread you'd want whole wheat bread what year is this is breads out I know right well it doesn't say bread it says whole grains you can get you the other grains you're gonna go out and eat a crescent roll they want to talk about quinoa here so four is beans and lentils oh I never get beans in my my burrito I should get some beans some beans all right five is fish salmon I eat a lot of salmon six is berries raspberries blueberries thank

you a lot of seven is winter squash oh I had that today I had autumn squad I had the Panera bread has a squash I've been eating it I'm sure it's high in sodium or whatever the fuck eight is just soy this is bullshit which is tofu and stuff like that you're a tofu nine is like that you act like I made this nine nine is flaxseed nuts and seeds okay these are even foods I mean nuts food as almonds you say almonds almonds that's almonds I love almonds then 10 is organic yogurt get the fuck out of here with this you'll calcium rich and protein rich you know like yeah eggs is bad I had eggs but I'm trying to get hell I jogged here

yesterday I had some carrot and ginger soup all right some lettuce and a salad wow you had carrot and gin love carrot and ginger I haven't had any fries since I got the diagnosis good for you I'm trying well done and you dressed up all sporty like well I ran here I can't be wearing jeans I ain't only running jeans now you don't yeah all right well good on you how do you feel better not really well right now I feel pretty good I had some oatmeal had some eggs went for a run well what about the big turkey I mean turkey days other but smashed but tots gravy horsages green bean cast all day long but that's the thing about

my diet you see turkey Thanksgiving dinner is healthier than what I normally would eat I'm eating burgers fries chocolate you cookies brownies the whole thing I've been eating oatmeal up the ass I mean like I'm having a gallon of oatmeal every day which lowers your cholesterol they say my shits are they look like fucking something big yeah yeah like a Gary Coleman hmm I he's not that big but if it's shit size relative to poop yeah so I just watched the South Park doc I never got into it I never got into it either but I respect it and I get it I really love I love Tray Parker milestone I'm like a huge fan of their

storytelling they're brilliant guys obviously but I couldn't get into the animation and it was one of those things as a kid I think when it came out the everyone talked about the Christmas poop my family's obsessed with hanky the Christmas of the poo and I watched it I didn't yeah I was like this isn't great right and I know I understand they're very satirical and stuff I just couldn't get over the animation and the voices I hated it I was with you I I respect them and I like that they're pushing it and all that but I watched this doc called six days to air and they have they literally make an episode in six days

with the animation the writing the jokes it's unbelievable the voices and they're eating McDonald's the whole time oh wow so I thought of you I was like look at these guys are brilliant they're funny and you're eating the same shit and let oh but his face got burned but he loves McDonald's Wow and Trump there you go the big three all right yeah people like me Matthew Perry was hooked on McDonald's during friends and his agent had to be like you gotta cool it you're fat as shit wow he's also picked on prescription bills and booze I was reading his book by the way I had time to kill before therapy I went over to the

strand bookstore one of the great bookstores in the world good time and just flipped cuz I I knew I saw him on real time he lost all his teeth Perry what they're all fake teeth have you heard a scene of me tight he sounds like this I saw him on real time he was yeah he sounds completely different he looks like his face is like getting too fat for his features it's wacky so I went in there I just opened to a pair I went about three quarters the way through I'm like let me get to the depths of addiction childhood the good stuff I couldn't put this thing down I read about 25 page I was missed therapy

I was flipping through he's addicted to pills and the thing drunk and the only he only was clean one season of the show it was the only season he got nominated for an Emmy how do you like that and he fucked everybody oh he dated Rachel he dated Monica I think he dated Phoebe I'm talking real life oh and Joey but yeah no he ran through he was a cute guy my ex girlfriend was into him really yeah could you be more into this guy you could try but you would not succeed there you go it's an interesting read I might buy the fucking thing but I got seven other books that I buy and don't finish I've been doing a thing

cuz I'm so bad at reading and I saw a thing it says try to read a page a day and I was like page a day what am I a fucking special needs kid and even that's hard so I've been doing that yeah it's page a day I'm still on sapiens I opened it in 89 taking six months to read a pamphlet six months is good Wow yeah it's hard I mean the attention span by the way I was home my the younger generation I sound like an old boomer we started people started reading their phone screen times oh boy there's some kids in my family 14 hours a day in a day no that's a day that's a day or a week that's one day cuz I'm about four

hours a week that's my four hours a week general no that wrong that's a hundred percent wrong really that would mean you are like a half an hour a day looking at your phone as soon as we finish you look directly on your phone for 20 minutes you can look at it right this second if you want oh I don't know if I want to know yeah you're four hours a week all I know is eggs are the best food you're you're four hours a day minimum you think so absolutely you text all the time you're on your phone all the time maybe it was a day it's gotta be a day four hours a day I'll take it four days not bad well here's the thing mine is like

four hours a day but I'm like I don't use my computer ever I'm running a business on my phone and all my notes are on my phone and everything I also text about 30 people a day me to communicator oh yeah big texter and then you can't put the phone down because then you missed 19 of them and now you're catching up that's the thing it's also I have this when I text somebody and I wait to hear back I don't just put my phone down and sit there I'm like well I'm waiting to look at something on my phone so I might as well look at everything right you know what the discovery page there's no way you're spending only 10

minutes a day on that discovery discoveries ruin my life okay not the channel I mean it's just tits after and these there's a there's a new one now where the ladies do this well it looks like they're jerking it the dick the hand is off-screen but you can see them going like this and it'll say like me trying to get a new purse and then it cuts why aren't you sending me clips you gotta send me the clip that was common no I thought everybody I showed it to the lady she was like who are these sluts and I was like hey this is the internet wow then I look at her page and it's just cats well I didn't know we talked

about this recently I didn't know Twitter could just be porn oh no laws I gotta get in there big boy I've jerked off to Twitter porn and retweeted it no kidding oh yeah it's hot cuz they go right to the goods yeah cuz I guess it's short you gotta have 140 characters yeah that's a big orgy not a Disney characters in there reverse Bukake it's hard as you get old you realize a lot of your dreams aren't gonna come true like I am not gonna be involved in a verse Bukake I can get that going off Craig's list well I think my wife Sarah's list it's not on there yeah I just think I think I'm

gonna go my whole life without 10 12 women squirting right in my face all right let me throw some some stories that year all right well I was trying to throw some squirting oh sorry I mean I could talk squirting all day I mean I'm just saying my bucket list it's gonna be incomplete now I will make that happen all right well hopefully you know maybe my wife passes away or goes on vacation I round up 20 30 women that could squirt we could do that easy all right please yeah all right so where have you been you went somewhere hey folks tis the season for clean balls Tuesdays is brought to you by Manscaped it's one stop shop for all

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and I set up one in New Jersey to do an hour at TIFFS hey Tiff you know Tiff Toronto International Film Festival well this is a it's a bar restaurant that has a comedy club upstairs I don't know Tiff's I thought you did Tiff's was that comedy dojo yes oh I know dojo that's the name of the restaurant is TIFFS but dojo is the club so it's comedy dojo upstairs at this restaurant it's a great guy you know you can always tell a good club when you look at the lineup and it's like Jessica Kirsten and all these fun people and your Robert Kelly's coming and whatever so you're like all right this guy knows what's what sure

sells out in a little bit it's a small room and it's in Morristown New Jersey 48 minute drive love it so I go that's beamer that's beamer time you know I can't go two hour plus is risky I don't get towed out on the turnpike sure so I call up call a couple guys hey you want to open film some stuff whatever they go sure so I go meet me at the tunnel at 5 30 and we're gonna straight go straight there for a seven o'clock show they go great and I go my only worry is I get pulled over because I have no registration and my plates are expired or my insurance is expired and I go but you know who's pulling me over I'm only I'm

not in the conspicuous vehicle it's only 50 years old and has round tail lights so get out of the driveway or what do you call the garage yeah and I see down the way a guy's getting the ticket and I go ah what a fucking idiot huh let me let me drive by him that's about 508 and cop goes well he gets in front of me goes pull it over there sonny and I go right away right away a block out of the garage I go what the hell and he goes yeah we're doing an inspection check and I go huh and he goes well we got to see if this is your vehicle see if you're all up to date and I'm like are you kidding me how did this happen of all

the streets and all the gin joints and all the queefs this is just a random check random check what I couldn't believe it so I'm like I was on cloud 8 I got this shift and go on I got the tunes on the blower I'm looking at my discover page I'm having a great time and pull it on over there dickless oh my god now I'm shitting bricks on the side of the road I'm on a what is that street 17th 14th 10th it's Hudson I'm west real west oh West End Avenue one of those 7th 9th way West Street or Greenwich Avenue going towards the tunnel one block in get pulled over and now the cops cops are different now you know

what I was banging cops like hey faggot open the door that's enough out of you I'm like I haven't said anything he's like hey quit looking at me you eyeball me boy I was like no no and now it's like how you doing sir good to me good to meet you big fan love your car here's my wife's naked photo and I'm like all right and he goes a registration and I go oh yeah you know of course the you know it's a 50 year old car the gloves not working the box I'm shibbing the old car he probably thinks I got a gun in there I'm shaking I'm sweating and I finally had opens all these papers fall out condoms blue chew I give them the the old

registration and everything and he goes all right there you go what and that was it come on these cop stink it's like your old bit remember that big yes of course that's a great bit well thank you it was a the bit was you ever drunk drive past a cop and go what a shitty cop yes yeah by the way I dust it off recently I was bombing so hard and Hartford I did that joke ever do that we just like all the sudden you're like this joke is from 1996 I had that like at the cellar two weeks ago I was like whoa I got some Reagan stuff it was a it was a bad set I'll tell you about that later but yeah yeah and I could not believe it was like

a gift from I don't know if it's white priv I don't know if it was a shitty cop I don't know if he didn't read it I think he was just like aren't you have papers you're good well you know what I think it is probably it's like a detail maybe it's the it's the end of the month maybe they're trying they gotta they gotta send them out there it's a it's a it's a detail they're making 85 bucks an hour and they go hey we got to do this and then they're just looking to grab you know a real Nair do well yes yes maybe that's to do with the bike guys that beat the hell out the desk bike guy you know the guy when they take over on the ATVs and

the dirt bikes they come down the street in New York all those guys they just beat a guy to death in Harlem late last night what the last part was just a Springsteen lyric but I see but yeah they beat a guy to death in Harlem wow there's a very aggressive it feels like Mad Max they're popping wheelies they're all disheveled and shirtless well our friend Beecher had this happen they they surrounded them on like the West Side Highway and they beat up that Asian guy to death that happened and Beecher got victimized yes the scariest thing in the world what happened to him this is years ago he was on his way to a spa he

might have been on like cross Bronx Expressway driving down from Connecticut uh-huh and they surrounded they get in front of you and they slow down that you have to stop you're just surrounded sure and they just beat them up what yeah and then he went and did a spa with like a bloody nose and a broken ear what a comic yeah sorry beach maybe they're trying to get these cuz for those at home it's just guys on like illegal street bikes ATVs derp and they'll do wheelie but yeah yeah and they just take over a whole Avenue yeah it's terrifying it's wild and everybody just kind of gets out of the way and they

never seem to get pulled over or fucked with this like 30 of them yeah they're like stronger than the police department I think so maybe that's why maybe they're not trying to go hey let's get some street legal whatever vehicles some vandals but I'm telling you I'm on Greenwich Avenue it's a 25 mile an hour highway it's a bunch of old people and Jews it's a weird place to do a stop yeah I don't know I mean I had that once years and years ago I was drinking and I was there's Queensborough Bridge they were doing routine pullovers and I had had drinks and Sarah and I had just started dating oh boy and Canada was in

the car and she got hot to truck because Canada was in the back and we had a couple cocktails you know sure as you do and he was saying he was like making some kind of joke and I was like shut the fuck up shut the fuck up yeah and he was like oh geez I was like oh hi officer that thing and then afterwards Sarah was like that was hot she's like that was really something wow and I've been waiting to tell someone to shut the fuck up since but no one's been shut the fuck up worthy well you gotta bring can around and give them three three whiskies and he'll he'll say something horrific and then you can give them the

one what for but it's scary but anyway so they just let you go oh I'm you know you start doing the thing like all right they're gonna tow my car you know you do the cataloging your head they're gonna tow my car then I have to find a new way to get to the gig I gotta text my openers and all that shit so I was doing all that he's like hey have a good one great car take it easy comedy or whatever and I was like all right and I just put it all out of there but but pick these Jews up and we did the gig wow how was the gig gig was killer you gotta hand it to Mike he runs the joint I just texted him three days before and

I go hey man anything you can throw together he goes I'll do it and gives you a couple couple checks nice nice water cash there and easy it's a Friday night in New York and you you pop out there and it's 48 minutes away you come back and it's like 11 o'clock oh that's nice well when I move to the Jersey Shore I'll be shooting up there all the time yep there big Mike check out the dojo folks so that was that was my big that was pre Thanksgiving that was my big right big scare there but then we had the we had turkey day and that's a whole another excursion but I'll throw it over to you Fanny yeah you know I don't

have much here I got we gotta we gotta come in I had a nice Thanksgiving you go up there the whole thing drove drove up got the Nissan Centro and it's all about beating the trap the traffic yes Boston New York is such a fucking nightmare nightmare that Sandy Hook the shootings it's horrible and so I tell Sarah like hey listen I know you hate me you hate my family sure but and so do I but you gotta get up we gotta leave in the nines yeah I want to get out in the nine o'clock hour yes so it's 830 I wake her up I slap her around with my dick and then she's like I got a shower first like we're going to see my family who

gives us shower stinky veg let's go so she shows I go my my Starbucks is close I gotta walk like eight blocks to the far away one but I like my mornings I get up I go up to the other one then I text the parking garage I have a nice morning stroll I get my tea I get the car and I feel like I hear cuz you don't want to carry the luggage all the way to the parking garage no luggage so I get the car I come in and scoop or I park right in front of the house which is you get that spot you don't want to leave it's like a stand so it's the best yeah I park I come in she's getting out of the shower I throw the World Cup but

the World Cup is going on right now very exciting very exciting it gives you something to do in the morning yes but what about this Qatar business no beer no beer they don't allow beer there because it's Muslim I guess I know but don't have the World Cup you kooks what are you doing you're ruining the whole thing not to mention the women getting beaten and the gaze forget about my god the gaze so fucked in the ass the bad way the male gaze so here's what I don't understand and Sarah brought this point up first how can this many people afford to go to the World Cup people go out there it's Mexico versus Argentina

and there's 50,000 Mexicans and 70,000 Argentines yeah singing dancing you're like that flight to K Tars gotta be 1500 bucks minimum I know and spirit it's got three connections I assume and then they got a lot of spirit then there's like the ticket we looked up it's like 400 bucks a ticket wow and they're going to every game and then the hotel must be like forget about it just save $25,000 to go to the World Cup I think they do the World Cup is the biggest event of the year and I think people are like we're going next time I don't care where it is I don't care if it's in Wuhan or Flint Michigan we're going but it's

it's surprising to see this many people yeah but people have money I mean what do you fit in there 60 grand 60,000 80,000 you know that's enough but it's gotta be yeah I guess they just gotta save their life yeah it's crazy I charge it who the hell knows but it's it's good for the economy but what's good for the goose is good for the gander because Qatar stinks guitar stay I mean I've never been there I mean I like your guitar but but no beer we go there we watch it well you know there's no beer in high school but I still fuck kids there get that clip but I'm just saying that the whole point is to get rowdy and

get drunken and you know get after it it's it's World Cup well what do you want me to do I'm just saying it's bonkers the World Cups full of water well that's the least of the problems in Qatar they take they throw gaze off of buildings according to Bill Maher and Sam Harris well if you get a beer and you can actually enjoy it and that's a cup I'd like to watch sorry it's more fun getting like assuming there's a trampoline down there like you're gonna survive would you rather get tossed off a building or toss somebody off a building I think I'd rather toss that's pretty easy but no but you're gonna

bounce or you splash yeah well the splatting is an option you got a toss toss no no splat the splat's not a splat's not allowed it's a bounce then why do you just keep bouncing till it stops I think so yeah inertia whatever I dated her what was the other option I'm saying do you scoop do you bounce and then they scoop you back in do you bounce high enough to where they can get you well that's no good that'd pull you right off if they tried to grab well maybe you bounce all the way back up maybe but I don't know if that's physically possible no I think the physics get a little funky yeah yeah inertia funky physics

okay but it seems like it would be fun to toss somebody off but it also feels fun to be like whoa you know sure sure I don't know I don't I don't enjoy any of that you know that what's that thing in Vegas the stratosphere I did that thing no yeah I died you know I don't care for the touch right sorry I did the thing not the thing that goes down like this I did the fucking um the bond the bungee the free no no the the the old freefall thing where you sit in the thing with the and you go oh I don't like that either which is the highest thrill ride in the world I did it me and old uncle Dale did it back in the 90s

well that Dale he's got a adrenaline stripe going through him he's a adventure junkie he is well he was shitting his pants on that one it was scary I mean we were way up there it was one of those ones where like you keep doing this thing it was like the two of us and you're like well let's go to the top of it just scope it out and then you get to the top of the elevator you walk out and they're like right this way folks and you're like well just walk out there and see and then you're like well we'll just sit down and it was scary as fuck but the views of the desert were crazy oh I believe it but good for you

that was way back that was 20 yeah no 2007 I was way back now what does that run you 25 30 bucks I don't know 15 23 I have no idea that was the the Vegas comedy festival where I got live at Gotham Aaron that's right I love Aaron good egg yeah that was way back in the day eggs Derek came down it was really fun but anyways I can't believe Dale came out to Vegas are you serious he had moved to Vegas if it was they had a fire department that was hiring I'm just saying he's got a wife and kid well back then he did it back there all single boys good times well I think the stratosphere

is a little scarier because that's I couldn't do that but that's no joke but the stratosphere you're it's just a hang yeah that one yes well there's one I think that you're like laying like Superman I think you sit in the car like this and it moves out like this and goes like this and then goes and then you're like that's the whole ride it's four seconds long oh my god I have no desire for that shit what a way like how can I Google that but what Brad is fear right Brad is fear casino ride is that the right name of it you think I'm glad to see is the casino yes absolutely there's the thing on the top

the roof thing the classic yeah yeah whatever this thing is like this though and then you come out and you're on a chair you just go straight down it's like the tooth chipper oh my god scream excreta we all scream for excreta yeah excretion what's excretion exactly that's shit 866 anything comes out of you it says 866 feet high 866 it says strap no that's that's so there's a bunch of them there so big shot is one of them insanity is one of them and the excreta one what is the format has it worked this one says excreta is a roller coaster ride like no other it teeter totters you over the edge of the

sky I'm talking about yeah from 866 866 feet high propelling riders head first 27 feet over the edge of the tower that's the head first wow yeah Superman after being shot over the edge passengers are dangled weightlessly above the Las Vegas strip before being pulled and propelled again whoo it's horrible no fun no fun though thank you not like that one's that one's crazy yeah hey there folks we got a lot of ads today happy holidays a lot of good gift ideas come in your way oh ready enough about my mother hey folks this episode is sponsored by better help if life came with a user manual things would be easy for everyone got

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excited about it the thing I'm not excited about it is how crummy this damn podcast studio is the Wi-Fi is down it's infuriating me so it's not working but we got this frame yeah it's called the aura frame use the aura app I got one they sent us each one they're very kind beautiful they look great I got it all set up all my photos through the years are scanning through my house now HD it's beautiful I got one for my sister I can't wait to give it to her yes hell of a gift we've got photos all over the place from Mark's wedding the great salacuse took all these great photos well they wrote a copy just for us love these

auras avatars all over the road you know I have 44,000 photos on my phone right now they're all over the place my phone Instagram other people's Instagram what if you could put all your photos onto one gorgeous frame well now you can and I do but not here because our goddamn studio sucks thanks but these frames rule it's featuring a stunning HD display unlimited storage super easy setup very easy for us and no fees simply connect your aura hope I'm saying that right frame to Wi-Fi and use the free aura app to add endless pics and videos invite friends and families on the app and you have them send new photos

to your frame to mmm right now listeners can get 50 bucks off of auras best-selling frames just go to aura frames dot com slash Tuesdays that's a you are a frames dot com slash Tuesdays these are or as lowest prices ever get yours before they sell out terms and conditions apply this makes a great gift you're gonna love it get on it I can't remember how we got to that I can't remember either but anyways I came back Sarah's getting ready and then it's Japan Germany so you're like you know we'll watch a little bit of this while she's getting ready that she comes out in his 20 minutes left so you just get

caught up watching and watching and watching you gotta see if they score one point exactly it was quite a game quite an upset the whole thing we watch that so now we're leaving it like 10 I wanted to leave at 9 30 we were set to aha but then I couldn't stop watching the match so then I was 10 then we get in the car she gets a coffee in a croissant next door we get in the car but we're off and I'm like well whatever it's 10 a.m. I wanted to leave in the nines we're leaving the 10s no big deal okay we get all the way down to the highway on a story of Boulevard taking the left like this to get on the highway

and you just hear out of my phone and you're like this you got to do the fucking like and you're like are you kidding and there's tension there's the party that there's the gratitude that we didn't get on the highway yes look at the bright you gotta look at the bright side line because you're like we could be in Connecticut that's true and then I would just say she also has one of the phones that's also a wallet you need it the credit card and the thing and she has an Amtrak train she's leaving before me because she's got business I see so she's gonna need the phone so you gotta flip all the way around and now you're

just like this is a half hour it's 15 minutes back to the house and then 15 back minutes back to the thing so now we're big now it's 1040 it's like we lost an eye and the whole time I'm driving I've become an old man I'm an old dad the whole time I'm just thinking about making good time yes yes and then you hit more traffic because you left later it's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving so it's a haul be you haul and I went to the doctor and guess what he told me so we did this last week I think so but an aid I'm like I've got to get healthy so I'm like we got to leave with enough time to get daylight

because I bought some tennis rack and like let's go so now I'm like racing against the Sun like I get there before the Sun goes out so goes down at four o'clock now you got that right but we made it we get to my old high school we go to the tennis courts crack open the rack as I just bought we cut off the the plastic and rip it open you did that before family well I dropped the suitcase off and said hello my mother but no one's gotten there yet it's only four o'clock hey my I gotta go exercise I got a bad ticker over here sure I'll see you later so we get to the tennis courts and it's dark it's dusky

and dusky painted in the sky fucking children in the locker room oh yeah so we heard the David tell but did they play better when's the last time you open a can of tennis balls oh it's been too long it go it's spray you see the shirt ruffle yes and it's that waff of that that furry neon ball neon fuzz yes great ball player good title so that's a Simon peg movie we hit the tennis balls around Sarah's never played we have a good time we're there we're at Whitman Hansen High School at sundown Wednesday before Thanksgiving hitting the balls and I just hear is that Joe list oh I go God who's this some girl I

finger fucked in 1987 guidance counselor I turn around and there's a very attractive woman with a dog and she goes to his gate whoa I mean what are the chances hot female gay with a pooch I didn't say hot but there's a good-looking woman there we got a Becky with the pooch no Becky she's a I'm gonna say a Cindy all right I'll give it I'll give it to you maybe a Julie the youngest one in curls well it's Boston so it's probably a Margaret and Maggie probably a Maggie yeah yeah chain smoking beer-swilling Red Sox Rootin Mick yeah maybe a Kathy Kathleen Colleen a lot of Colleen yeah maybe Siobhan Siobhan

that's an Irish huh Andrew Siobhan no no no he's not hot he's cute all right he's got a cuteness to him he's got a decent hog on him yeah nice piece but just take it easy yeah Chuck's got like a thing for a lit up when I said Chavone Chavone we text all the time are you by no I don't think so alright give it a shot bye bye I'll rent it but yeah Tuesday lady out there Whitman Hansen high school I mean what are the chances she's walking her dog at the high school and bumps into old listy poo wild who's like there's Sarah Tally much but I think she saw the centra because the centers there with the

New York plate so right away because I'm playing tennis with the hood on you know and a pair of thick socks sure sure I mean you she saw you at your alma mater that's cooking it's pretty wild pretty exciting and then by the way I went to the football game on Thursday as I always do it the high school game yeah well I never missed it but a few Tuesdays there too wow look at that I'd love to go I was out on the campus I was walking this weekend and someone goes Chuck stay in and I turned and he goes huge Tuesday can I shake your hand oh stop no one knows your last name come on I went to the grocery store last night

and I got a I'm listening right now it's all pipes no kidding people people talk to me at comedy shows and they'll go you're not Chuck from Tuesdays with stories are yeah three people did it to me at one show recently why are the numbers so low the YouTube hits 50k 50k is not bad we're hitting 50k in YouTube and then probably like 70 on audio too every week there's 120 it's a lot of people I guess but in this country in this economy come on yeah could be bigger could be bigger but apparently people are hearing it maybe it's on Spotify or Grindr I don't know but it's getting around hmm we'll make some changes Chuck

so where to start all right but any jazz so yeah I went to the football game it was a great month I'll let me just throw in the Thanksgiving morning so we every year we do this hang them turkey trot hang them high which is painful because it's at 7 30 a.m. it's about a half hour from my parents house and you got to get there early you got to get your number and register and you get your banana and shove that in your ass potassium so it's 6 30 a.m. that alarm goes off and you're just like it's Thanksgiving morning you just say that you're like oh yeah smash the fucking alarm and go what are we doing but you

get up you put your shoes on you splash the jizz in your face there a crust sticky and you drive out there and hang them Massachusetts is spectacular everyone should go down there and take us peak around you get there and there's 1400 people running and it just you feel part of the community there sure everybody's getting ready to run stretching jumping the whole thing getting ready you get your number you pin it on and it feels like the old days the sun is just coming up and you're it's a little annoying because you got to run with a thousand people and there's a lady one lady running with a dog on a

leash the extend oh my god should be illegal it's like 40 feet and you're just trying to pass you got a rope across the run like what are you doing you dumb douche cuckoo bananas there's people there you got a rope it's a tripwire and then there's all these kids that run and they're like zigzagging and they think they know how to run three miles so they're like sprinting in front of you and every it's a little annoying but then it spreads out and you have a nice finish and it just feels so good but then you finish that race and now it's like 8 a.m the sun is coming up there's a dew on the grass boy so early run a 5k

you're all sweaty and you feel like you've earned that Thanksgiving dinner you better believe it and what a heart on you I mean you got a heart on this thing is getting tennis it's getting oatmeal it's getting a run in I'm trying so then we go there we go from there we go to Starbucks and there's just a feel on Thanksgiving everyone's for the road races at Starbucks is the only place open so you see everyone's got their jerseys and their numbers they're sweaty and steamy and there's a big steam coming off everybody it just feel alive yes love a steam and you get your Starbucks you bagel you go back to the

house I pick up my nephew he's in freshman in high school we go to the game he goes off to the playground and smokes cigarettes and does blow or whatever the kids the playground do that's what they do in tiktok I think we watch the ball game I see my old track coach hall of fame coach coach black great lucky great great chat with him I saw Brian black and a couple other people and then you watch the game we're enhancing one for the first time in a while and you just feel great and then you go back and you eat garbage hey how was the meal it was pretty good my family we eat a lot of we had like warmed up

chicken parm and pizza turkey and bullshit okay as long as you got a bird in there there's a bird Larry bird yep well how about this number so I got a wild hair at my ass and my mom was like we're doing Thanksgiving at my place you're doing Christmas with the lady and I go all right whatever so I tell my gal that back in August and then she goes well you're just in New Orleans for the wedding why don't we go to my place for Christmas for Thanksgiving I go up take it up with the big the big hen take it up with Coos Norman and she's like well I don't want to rub rub elbows with your mom and I go well you're changing the

plan so you got to take on the old bitch sure so these two broads are button heads and slap and tits like there's no tomorrow and she's like your mom's not pushing I'm like well you did throw it on her and then she's my mom's calling me like what's up with this broad of yours you should smack her twice I'm like hey I don't want to get the middle of it so we came to the the verdict that we're gonna go to Boston for Thanksgiving and then fly to New Orleans on Friday for Thanksgiving on Friday with my parents sure nightmare double thanks double thanks no thanks you're welcome it was hell no good well you fly out we the

Amtrak prices went over the flight prices yeah so we said we're taking the flight the two flights is tough two flights is tough airports a goddamn Grand Central Station over there it looks like Qatar with no beer everybody's running around everybody's pissed everybody's in a mood and I go up to the lounge I go hey at least we got the lounge big big daddy you know I'm talking to the lady no love by the way she's like oh yeah let's go to the lounge I'm like how about hey you get me in the lounge a big goot right I like a little I like a little respite respect you know something yes oh geez cans

no respect you know she's a gay lounge make it happen can I want to play come on you got a guy with a lounge thing how about some high-fiving so but she works right she's a job do you have a joint account no no joint yeah we don't need the people always ask and they're like yikes no you want your money you want her to have hers and she can buy a Louis Vuitton and we're all good yeah so we go to the lounge and they go you don't have a voucher and I go out what I vouch for and they're like you need a guest pass and I go that's the holidays and this guy Roger real Anthony Vouchie a real cute guy and he was

like she's like you don't have a voucher and I'm like that's the holiday she's pregnant you know all this and he goes all right he let us in oh nice so we got in the larger no no love no I'm always like how about that we beat that they never let people in the lounge this is huge he's like yeah where's the yogurt I go God eggs are the best food so we get in the lounge whatever and then we finally get on the plane we make it to bean town we she lives in Cape Cod see you land there and you still got to get scooped up and then brought to the island well the ride from Boston to the Cape Cod which is not an island is

longer than the flight from New York to Boston that's exactly right I made that same point all right and the traffic on top of it it's Thanksgiving mucho traffic oh yeah we're like a half hour apart on Thanksgiving that's wild we should we shouldn't meet up at night I could have used you yeah I could have used you and it's just 19 kids 48 dogs two cats and a Jew over there and it's all uncles and aunts and relatives and you're on fucking full full tilt now it's tough and everybody I'm blessed with Sarah's family she has a small and we have 60 people at our house but Sarah's got the five and they're a

little like socially retarded yeah no questions oh the questions I hate the question coming to my family it's like how did you get your start how big is your dick why did your asshole fall out that one Christmas and all that stuff hey right yeah I've been there and yeah so you do that and then it's just I get I drank to deal with it which is always back then you wake up 6 30 a.m. because you got to get out of Cape Cod get to the airport an hour early and it's a shit show so you got to get there an hour and a half early because it's Thanksgiving next day Friday fly to New Orleans then my dad picks us up he's

900 years old so he's like I bet JFK I'm like JFK we just let it in New Orleans like oh shit I'll pull around he's like where where we pick you up it's a whole thing and he's like I missed the exit I'm like so then we got to drive to shell met which is like 20 minutes outside in New Orleans so the airport's already outside then you got to go to New Orleans they go out another and then you have dinner there and my family is so much more weird than her family mm-hmm and so you already got the you got the easy family which is her family they're normal regular people that my parents are just cuckoo bananas you

bet them sure and then eat there and then you I gotta I secretly got a hotel mm-hmm well I couldn't we stayed there one night which is weird you have the quiet sex next to my action figures and then we got out of there and my dad is like I'll drive me to the to the hotel and I was like okay and that he's the slowest driver I'm watching people whiz by don't you hate that you're going go dad hit the accelerator and you're watching you're seeing a green light in the distance and it just turns yellow I hate a yellow I can't handle it I hate a yellow I hate people that speed and I hate a little drive slow like that just

get in the right yeah yes and I try to be the good son I'm like let me drive dad you're old you hate driving I don't want you to drive is everywhere he's like I got it I got it and it's just create any tell stories so he's his hands are off the wheel you know he's doing this shit oh back in 1988 I met John Wilkes Booth and all this you know put your hands on the wheel look at the road and hit the gas I know these people drive that's why I always want to drive I don't want anyone driving me it's the percentage people that are horrendous drivers got to be in the 90s gotta be but everybody thinks they're good I had this thing I

was driving in Massachusetts there was a lady I didn't you can't tell who it is from behind but clearly look at their phone you just see their head goes down and like totally weaving in and out of the lane it was like fucking the lady in front of Ferris Bueller's dad just doing this yes yes it's great and I'm like I'm laying on the horn being like you got to get already and so then I'm like doing this as I drive in the mirror and then I get up there and the lady's like 112 of course of course she's on a jitterbug but 112 or not she's just totally like doing this oh my god I can't have it yeah well you know what's

weird is a you ever get disciplined and the guys right one time I was in LA and I was you know tweeting and twacking and I get to the red light and this guy goes that's me and I was like you're right and I felt so emasculated I wanted to blow him but he was right you're like I'm sorry this is my 20 minutes a day I look at my phone when I'm driving four hours a week eggs Becky eggs baby eggs Benedict we're in sync backstreet boys get to finish my stuff yeah you done there I guess but it's got to be cold you don't want cold oatmeal break it on plus my mouth take it where are we up by the way I didn't see the signal you're

not giving us the signs I did you did you missed it 55 well we missed it why would you not why didn't you give it again you're aware that we missed it I'm very sleepy all right well you're very gay last thing I want to say my father's gay last one early gay shoes in the pool so I found a blue shoe in my bag just randomly and I got a 900 things in there from all over the road and I said I'm taking the blue shoe I'm fucking the lady no this is a on Thanksgiving trip I see so I took the blue shoe and I was like I got a rock hard rager here and I put it inside of her and she she's accepted it and I finished but the

thing about blue shoe is I don't really need them so I'm just I'm just hard from 24 hours now right like a mouse queefs and I'm like whoa I felt something you know and you're up and so we go to we go through security and I'm taking the belt off and I think my brain thinks oh your belt's coming off sex let's get it going so I'm taking the belt off going through security shoes off and you know you're bending over you're taking the keys out you're getting some movement here so I'm rock hard and now rock Hudson so now I'm in the woo-woo with a full boo-boo no I'm at 80% I'm half-mass 80% is nice yeah I'm

shooting I kind of like that better than a hundo it's kind of nice because it looks like you have a big dick I'm hogging I'm like a cowboy out there so I get the woo-woo and the guy goes oh boy we got some stuff right here I go well we might have to go to private room and get a lap dance because this is this is dangerous contraband here and he goes all right I'm gonna do I'm gonna do the forward-facing whatever and he tells you and he's like I'm gonna go down and I go all right and I go one thing can I ask you one thing he goes what's up and he goes I go can you not swipe up they swipe up the inside they hit you in the sack

it hurts they always go oh yeah yeah yeah I know what you mean yeah so I'm like don't do the swipe up just just creep and he was like all right you're gonna fucking nut I'm rather not that have a nut injury so he goes a gentle swipe and I am chubbin baby I am night chubbin chub chub a seal next chub yeah chub back and I want to show you but I don't want to get me too here I got a good hog going down wind down when I'm down when I'm in the I'm in the pant leg I'm out of the crotch I'm in the pant leg now okay the head is in the leg got it you see that the difference sure yeah yeah like Robert plant yes yes I'm

planting and so I'm in the leg and he goes whoop and he gets it oh wow he's got my head in my god and I was like I told you and he goes I get the hell out of here rip his gloves off he threw him at me kick me in the ass and I grabbed my shit I till it's a terminal B that's a baby you went to a base I got a thing isn't that third base ace a base wow I'll take it don't turn around I saw the side so there you go folks I got a I got a decent clamp wow head in it a nice cock clamp yes NCC working for the clamp down well that is quite a quite a tail Eric clampton yeah so where you gonna be at well I got a bunch of stuff

here let me see I gotta remember I got a really plug because my my my dates okay I got here we go big oh no I took a photo and it I took it too quick oh fuck well I got Madison is that that we're like three episodes ahead aren't we is Madison this weekend so this is gonna be this is gonna come out two weeks from today or two weeks from tomorrow I should say I have no idea so that's okay so this weekend I'm in Omaha yeah this is ever I'm in Omaha funny bone this Friday and Saturday with I think Steve Rogers speaking of big dicks and then oh man I can't believe I took photos and they all disappeared

because I took it too quick and so it erased but February 9th through 11 Denver Comedy Works Houston secret group February 18th Lafayette just added February 17th Friday February 17th Lafayette come down to that one Key West February 3rd and 4th and then I'm in Cleveland and Austin both in January I don't know which weekend is which to be honest because I'm a fucking idiot I think Cleveland is January 5th to the 7th Austin January 12th to the 14th I believe nice and then Park West in Chicago March 2nd I don't know if we've sold any tickets I have no idea it's a big theater so please get those tickets

Columbus funny bone that weekend and oh I think it's time to announce I mean you know we already said it Wilbur in Boston April 15th the Wilbur Theater April 15th day weekend that's gonna be a big one humdinger yeah and last year we did last we sold it all out so this year we're doing Wilbur April 15th so please get that hometown let's go Boston the marathon it's a big weekend I'm that's gonna sell it you're gonna add one I don't know about adding one but hopefully we'll sell out enough you got enough daylight ahead of you hopefully we'll see so yeah that's the dates and then go subscribe to my YouTube for the

love of God please just trying to get over 50,000 by the time you see this will be over 50,000 hell yeah get on it folks and you're a year first specials it's up to 885 or something eight cruising yeah yeah and I just got a nice bump on I don't know what happened but I got a nice bump on the this year's material 20,000 views in like four days oh good all right well there you go folks Cobb's comedy club in San Francisco I've never done this club I always wanted to Buffalo Helium Zanies in Nashville Miami improv going to Hawaii for the blue note that is selling horrifically and all kinds of stuff

Mark Norman comedy.com I'm gonna try to do a special early next year so we'll see how that pans out and get on the patreon all kinds of new stuff Chuck's cooking with gas and we're shooting some gas out here and yeah that'll do it get a mug get a shirt say hello Tuesday walk your dog go to Whitman mass and we'll see at the grocery. you