Tuesdays with Stories! - #483 Pet Duck

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

It’s that time of the week! Tuesday baby! Mark heads over to the Joe Rogan Experience and ends up doing mushrooms with Rogan, Shane Gillis and Ari Shaffir. Joe heads to the Vermont Comedy Fest with Matt Wayne and Andrew Schiavone.  Meanwhile Mark goes from Austin to Boston to Connecticut to Boston to  Philly and barely makes it back alive. It’s Tuesday! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Try Blue Chew for free at http://bluechew.com/TUESDAYS - Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Tuesdays for 10% off your first month.

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing my radio is spitting at me everybody was kung fu fighting oh that was fast as well fast as lightning that's me bleep that never gets old easy tippy-toe tippy-toe I think that's fine

well they say it's over they say if the group is doing better than you you could make fun of them so that should be Asian and Indian who are Asian yeah I guess so and and lots of whites well you make one of the honkies that's why you do a British accent you can do Italian oh walking here now can you make fun of specific minorities who are doing better like can I be like Will Smith's a piece of shit is that okay Obama's a come-go's yeah fuck fuck Michelle Obama which I would love to do you never get attracted to Michelle I never got attracted no I or neither am I but I like to arm wrestle her I've always thought she was

like really hot and class I like class and smiley she's got class I'll give you class smiley classy doesn't have ass no she's got ass she probably has that but you can't see with the pants suit no ass is the good and pants they look great but does the blazer bottom will cover the blazer bottom yes blazer bottom what's the slice in the blazer for a little movement okay it's less restricting sure yeah you had quite enough for that wedding by the way you live a hundred bucks oh thank you thank you that's low with inflation well you know what I mean it used to be a million of a hundred million all right well I black tux dot

com I got that I got the blue for the for the ceremony and then the red for the party like a mulled you were a red tux a red velvet jacket which party was that you know the wedding party the reception yes get a red jacket pull up the photos blacked out at that point I think the shrooms kicked in for you silent relapse well I was a nervous Nellie you know so but that was a great time and I just keep coming back to it batch the party wedding what a time we're having a hell of a year I'll tell you that it's all downhill after this we got to find events we got to put you know put up a Christmas party or I don't know yeah

maybe have women's benefits up and you know what I'm thinking about doing remember the old one of the great memories of my life well I was still drinking towards the end of my drinking the twist and shout show oh that was legendary about that you and mad dog matter at the time now James matter were the judges yes and then Thomas Dale wow walked up to me was like you gotta let me judge you gotta make me a judge and I was kind of like oh okay I guess you're a judge yeah and you three judged we had a twist off and not the bottle but the event yes yes and it got down to Michelle Wolf and unsuccessful at the time Michelle like open mic or

Michelle Wolf and quite the booze hound if I may say so sure and Peggy O'Leary these two went at it I mean this was a dance off they were tearing up rugs they almost burned a hole in the floor with all that twisted it was just straight down like a top yes it was something and I think Wolf ended up winning well she's competitive queef she certainly is and they I mean they went at it but we had everybody there was a who's who that's my wolf but yeah it wasn't who's who and a lot of who's not to don't do comedy anymore a lot of people are out but everyone's dressed up and it was sexy we should do it again like the VU or

somewhere because it's fun to twist yeah yeah yeah there's a lot of musical stuff now people might get on boy they got the comedy jam and the other thing but you know what it is there's not enough events that everyone dances at I love dancing more than I love anything else in the world really and I'm usually doing it by myself yeah idol in the in the bedroom yes when you get a group a gang a gaggle out there sure it's it's magic I mean it's been the cavemen dance they say sure and the cave women footloose and fancy free but yeah you're right there's not only the wedding I don't love the dancing I'm just saying

like what I'm in it I'm like oh this is fun but it's like a swim you know it's like a pool you go that's a whole thing and then once you're in it you're splashing and splashing but here's the thing I think you're not a slave to the groove you gotta let yourself go you're not letting go out there I see you I see the face you come out and you do a couple swims and you gotta let it flow let it feel yes teach me to flow because I can't like I got a light flow well you're progressive you comedically flow but I think you're too self-conscious I think you're gonna let it out maybe that's me in the bedroom and the bedroom I

feel like I can let loose I'm naked my balls are wiggling and waggling well this is now we're off on a topic because you in the bedroom is one of my most off-topped about topics with people off talked about often oh often you short often to off I didn't know that off talked about that real same thing yeah off often off yeah off talked about yes oh okay people are always asking me because we're wondering are you eating pussy and getting up and going kind of cuz it's so hard to picture you being like take that you fucking bitch or whatever what is it like take us through what you're on the road maize at

home honest honest anal these days I'm just saying well tell me about fucking her and tell me about the old days okay well I mean it used to really be rough and naughty this this bag of mine she likes a beating she wants it left right and center I'm going ray rice and an elevator I'm doing heel kicks and knees I'm all over it speed bag or heavy bag oh well she doesn't like the term heavy bag but I'm speeding I got elbows in there I'm like John Jones bones in there but I'm a Gregor are you serious are you earnest no no I mean sometimes there's a place for that you know you're eating her out she queeps your hair wiggles you

know and you go you know you put my candle out or whatever you say candelabra but no no it's all pipes in the bedroom it's it's naughty time so when you make a move take me through it pretend I'm me I'll be me working on my new bits okay and I'm like hey is this funny at all a candle is you put it out not funny yeah let's here's what I do sometimes I'll do like a goofy eh eh to the bedroom goofy I knew it'd be goofy that's the beginning okay and the other day we we really I'm still in character by the way the other day we went to Poundtown and I picked her up did the shoulder whoa in the bedroom and then right over the

other head like a ass over tea kettle and don't give her a choice in the matter I like that oh no but that's how she likes it of course sometimes if I go excuse me hello she's like I'm out right right so yeah then I she tends to go down first because sometimes I'll try to just put it in and she's like it's not ready the oven ain't on goes down on herself so she'll blow me and then she gets turned on by that yes very nice setup that we got there I have this dialogue off with a lady friend of mine who's like no woman likes sucking dick and I'm like you're out of your mind they do coo coo bananas and here's what I

like a dick and I'm a man yes I appreciate it here's what I always say to the gals out there we fucked more women than these ladies who are talking I know they're involved too with their men but we fucked more women than they fucked men you mean then they fucked women no wait what we've had sex with more women than the women were arguing with have had sex with women oh I see unless you got a les or a buy we know what's going down with the ladies more than this one lady maybe talks to some friends and knows herself but we've had a gaggle yes so we know we've tested it's a focus group yeah that's a good

point I have a point big point a hocus group but either way she is on the knees and she's got the hair in a pony it's like Pat Dixon's joke with the breathe right the Vaseline under the eyes and she is getting getting turned on I got to put a towel down for her wow and so then you know we go at it and she's like insult me and trash me and so I just go after the act that's that's me I'm female her I'm like spit in my mouth show the shoe in my ass see I don't like it I like I don't like this to insult and I'll do it for her but it's it's I'm doing it through what is it osmosis grit in my teeth and bear in it grin and

bear it grin and bear it yeah yes so I got you suck you're you're retarded or whatever I say you're a bad driver but yeah but we get through it oh alright try to get I try to not just till she does and if I do we pull out the old the vibrate you got it well I like to just after too cuz her jizzing is what makes me hot and heavy if I come and then she come I'm like that sucks I want to see the coming that gets me where I need that's how you can feel the clamping up on the on the hog yes but yeah now you got a long way to go so you got to mix it up you got a mix yeah yeah we haven't had to mix yet but it's it's

coming yeah I don't like anything in the old rear view alright you know I know we have some friends who who dig the the peg very best special on YouTube this year New York Times apparently Matt Salak use that pimple sends me a New York Times article says best YouTube specials of the year I thought he was sending it cuz my name is in there like my dad would and then it's just to let me know that his is number one that he directed oh yeah and I'm not even on the list now he's a guy I don't know how does that bedroom go down I think it's all photographs I think he's putting up

flashes and lights but he fucked at least one he's got a son over that's true one time but he is he is the Hawaiian shirt open and flailing in the wind is his three hairs flipping and flapping who knows what's going on I think it's all point and click with him if you know what I mean I see yeah yeah got a lot of spools gotta get it developed ah you've called Salak use a pimple on two episodes in a row you called him a pimple last week why did I call a pimple last week because he volunteered you to sing at the wedding oh that's right yeah yeah Sally knows how to slide in back to back pimple I

wrote back I wrote this is hurtful and frustrating well we get one more pimple we're all in acne at that point we're all we're straight up gonna have to get some proactive pimple shows up well we got a lot to talk about I know that oh baby because you didn't we have a clock for a second yeah I fell I guess well it's over here behind Jesus Christ I do like the old old day we had a continuous clock and we have this clock somebody made us which is gorgeous but we don't know how to work stuff or hang stuff that is a beauty yeah Colin if you know to hang really fantastic in fact it's kind of hurtful someone put a lot

of time in and we just have it well it's on camera can you see that on camera no yeah oh that's okay great yeah there it is it's wooden John wooden anyway so what you want to go I mean you've been all over up and all over up and up the ass you've been out the anal now I got some sagas here but I can I can break them off into chunks like Star Wars give me a saga and then what we'll see we're at Genesis yes yes saga bottom but I'll start from the start from the start so last week busy one it's a it's a Monday it's a Tuesday and I go what the hell am I doing today oh yeah me and Shane Gillis are meeting up at JFK to fly to

Austin Texas that is fun yeah we're gonna do the the JRE experience so just retards entertainment there you go so we go down there and Ari's Ari good he takes like a 7 a.m. flight cuz he's got the dog on the flight bendita yes he's that guy now with the dog on the flight yep so you know me and Gillis meet up in the Delta loud the JFK what have you been to that one I got a bust of me over there I think I saw it but Elon bust but this thing this lounge it was like the space station on Star Trek it's like the doors open there's food everywhere there's aliens it was wild it's nice and you're gonna go talk about

aliens yes that's right an elk don't forget the elk so we get down to Austin if we go to the hotel I forgot I have a podcast right when I land hold on I just thought of an elk one El Camino hey that's great all right yeah counted yeah a podcast when you land what podcast I'm doing this podcast Chris Williamson the black guy no no he's a honky I believe he's a limey out of the gray great who's there Chris William who's the killer that's a comic that's a Williams right no son okay maybe a daughter but so Shane's like what are you doing what do why do you do this to yourself I'm

like I know I know he gave me a you little talk there appreciate that go do the show it's fun leave there we go straight to the Vulcan sold out show just a banger Brian Simpson's there the whole gang and we just have a hot show we know and me and Shane the whole time we're like we're not gonna get drunk we got the big show tomorrow with the big pod during the day so we're gonna take it easy we get hammered as you do go back go to sleep wake up time for the JRE we get there and we go you know we've been drinking so much we're all hung over all we do on these shows it just down whiskey and Bud lights and smoke cigars and

weed let's mix it up it's our 6-1 okay so Rogan goes I got just the idea oh big swinging bag of mushrooms oh Jesus a lot of mushrooms on theory you're like hey mushrooms that's fun but not great on the biggest radio show platform in America in history yes maybe not in history I'm sure Orson Wells whatever so I think we must have done about five hours we open by talking about how great Kanye is two days later he talks about how he likes Hitler so that had to do some editing a lot of editing popping shrooms drinking whiskey having a grand old time and then all of a sudden everything just shuts down we all get

high we know we got the big screen they were going oh he's funny look at that guy falling down I look over at Rogan his head's this big and he's like ah you know the mask people are wearing masks and I'm like where am I looking look at Ari he's doing this he looks he got raped he's holding his dog he's panicking he's got a tear in one eye Gillis I look over at him and he's like this is bro that's what I was thinking when you did that yes it was candy it was too much brood I mean so literally five hours I think we did five hours the fruits right didn't kick in till an hour and a half oh my god then they kind of go down and

you come out of it you have like a you talk for ten minutes and then then there's a huge lull so poor J Moe he's sober as a judge he's got to do the editing he must be snipping and snapping like the Irishman now is this out yet still not out oh my god he's probably still working on it I think he is like editing JFK exactly it's got this a brooder film over there brutal so it's a brutal yeah when they said mushrooms did party you go of course of course I go I don't want to do that that's a horrible I want to be on I want to get some laughs I want to sell some tickets you know I want to be an entertainer I

want to be a comedian yes so what did everyone say they just out voted you well they all called me a coward and a puss and a quiff and I said alright I'll do a half and then the half doesn't kick in for eight minutes so you go out take the other half and then before you know it you're in a k-hole god I thought mushrooms was for like Joshua tree you sit you wear a towel and you kiss your father a couple times I was there now I would have been bad yes from the bed wedding yeah like Alan everyone to see a little they get to see a little dad yeah dad is in the video Chuck killed it with a wedding video he put the speech the

dead the dad zing in and some other fun stuff give it a gook the pilot on the picture the picture on by the way it's crazy through the roof oh it's hot it's way better than this Rogan episode that's coming out but full speeches on their dad's speech there's behind the scenes this mute you put we belong together oh yeah it's really yeah you're missing out if you're not on the patreon we added 3,000 people in the past 18 months that's that's what I came on 18 months ago to help build the patreon we had 3,000 yeah mention this home alone thing coming out oh next week it's gonna be this it's gonna be

this week when this page when this episode comes out it's gonna be coming out this Friday yeah this is big this is big you're gonna want to be on there we just watched all of home alone we did the full commentary some great laughs and I might buy it you know what this is a good time to say if you want to get on the patreon you're gonna want to sign up by the end of December yes we're gonna grandfather people in if you sign up before January 1st yes you are grandfathered in at 3 bucks yes and you got to get in if you're already on your set day in at 3 bucks yep but if you don't come January changes gonna be 350

bucks a day you got that right baby no what's going up to 5 bucks we're doing a couple different tears we'll still have a $3 tier but to get everything it's gonna change here's gonna go up so get on before New Year's Day get yourself in join the party over there and everyone keeps saying we have the best patreon it's number one with a bullet not on paper or on the charts but with the people yes people's champion yes get on there okay so we're on Rogan it's you Shane Ari Rogan Jamie and the butler yes yes and do you get in a groove at any point where you start to feel comfortable I

think there's a groove after a lot of going this is a lot we took too much you can eat and we then Shane goes drink it off you got to drink it away so now we're just guzzling booze and whiskey I got a cigar at one point and I was lighting it and Ari was like you've been lighting that cigar for about a half an hour I was like one of those butane lighters you know twisting the cigar I couldn't stop staring at it you got a microphone they were more literally moments of like a minute and a half of silence oh my god which you can't have on a radio show so we we get out of it a little bit we we pick it up at the end and it was a lot

of fun we had some big laughs but after we got out of there was like what the hell do we just do holy shit and then Rogan's like all right well we got a show in about an hour we're like we have a show oh we're on mushrooms drunk high and on booze so he goes how about this we'll go to a steakhouse oh get some steaks in us we'll get some grub we haven't eaten all day and then we'll go to the straight to the show and we're like okay okay so we hop in all of his SUVs with his 87 armed guards and shit and Navy Seals and we go to the steakhouse by the way when you're in that studio you've been in there yes it's a

little you know ban shell it's like a little warehouse and you're just in there you're safe you tucked away there's marshals and guards and everything out there and then you get out into the world and you're like and then to go to a steakhouse everybody's dressed up people are on dates as waiters with the white suits on you're like it's too much the senses the rods and cones are firing you're in a different planet it's like you went from one place you're very protected in one space and then all of a sudden it's quite public with celebrities you're hot so it's all funky do now did you get like philosophical on the

mushrooms we guys talking about how the clouds are like our souls or anything like that you know I kept trying to tap into that and they would all just make fun of me right so we couldn't these guys they're a punchy guys you certainly knock around guys not a lot of emotion you calling Ari a punchy guy it's like world I don't like it's not to get philosophical Dari Shafir he's too punchy right what is this wacky Wednesday well it was it was wacky Wednesday with the shrooms were in it was psilocybin Saturday but now we're in this steakhouse and you know Rogan walks in he's four foot eight and he's

jacked and everybody's like whoa that guy and you're like and then the waiters got the towel on his arm and you're like what is this a Disney movie the whole thing was crazy so we had to go in a back room we couldn't sit there sure I wrote it might be one of the most famous people on the planet top the top 100 famous people on the planet top 100 love them or hate them he's famous I because he's got the UFC and then the podcast and the comedy just shoot me the you me Kramer the butler I mean he's got a lot of stuff totally totally so we're sitting back there and by the way there's so many things going on in your

head because you're seeing this picture it's like a Renaissance painting just people eating glasses clinking the flame of the candle then you get to the back room and we're all eating steaks so this is like I have this memory of Shane this big white son of a bitch cutting into a cow and I'm like that was a cow now we're eating it it was cooked you know and then I started eating ice cream and I'm like this is a cow too when I look at the chair like this is a cow it's all cow I panicked God by the way I have that sometimes too when I'm eating meat chicken more yes where I'm not one of these you know these these fucking

coins but he's vegan you are in the middle of it you're like this is weird I'm eating an animal's muscle oh Brian vegan yeah it's bizarre it's cookie yeah muscles I think I had some muscles that night so we go there we finished the meal I I got out of there and we go straight to a show which is not any better any better but you're in a green room at least with a bunch of comics and you know they're like all right you're gonna go on third you're like oh god and you just forget how to do comedy you're on comedy on shrooms no it is cuckoo bananas I mean so what are we talking here are you seeing spots the laughs

floating or well it's been so many hours and we're drunk and we're full and so you kind of like just wonky you're not really fucked up you're just like you're not all right the wonk yes it's a little wobbly you're a little slower you want to just you want to just lay down and just watch TV but instead you're going on in front of 300 people who are juiced up and ready and it went okay and then I was like all right we're getting out of here we're going home I am done this has been a long fucking day and Ari goes let's go to the creek and I go I can't go to the creek yeah so we go to the creek and we get a drink there and then

Rebecca's not even there so you're like come on I want to get my high and I'll get my credit for going to the creek right which is by the way just doing the show Rogan experience sober it sucks an idea it takes it out of you I mean you really have to like prepare you have to like jog and stretch and eat a meal because it's three and a half hours you're gonna smoke a cigar whatever it is you're on display that was a cutie that was fun whoo Insta stink that's a horrible app insisting but and also you have to not only you on for three hours but you're on while knowing the whole world is hearing this I know another

on no that show fucks me up for like days oh yeah I like walk slow afterwards yes yes all whacked out yeah you gotta like sleep in the woods for a day after a Rogan not to mention on psychedelic drugs right that doesn't help the situation hey gang Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by better help if life came with a user manual things would be easy for everyone but it doesn't so it's not working for you it's normal to feel stuck navigating a career change a new relationship or becoming a parent can make you feel uncertain therapists are trained to help you learn productive coping skills which makes therapy the

closest thing you'll get to a user manual for yourself ladies and gentlemen I am coming directly from therapy I'm not kidding I just left Alan's office as I record this I feel 110% better every time I saw him in fact I just saw him twice in four days to beef up for the holidays I'm ready to rock I'm gonna confront everyone I need to confront and I'm gonna accept everything I need to accept better help is online therapy that offers video and phone chat you can choose to not see anyone on camera if you'd like maybe your therapist is gross doesn't matter you don't have to see anybody maybe you're embarrassed to be

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Tuesdays at checkout just pay five bucks for shipping blue chew dot com code Tuesdays to receive your first month free visit blue chew dot com for more details and important safety information thanks blue chew for sponsoring our podcast so we go to the creek Rebecca is like I'm on my way she shows up we get there we hug we say hi all these comics are there they're very nice and then they go I go what are you guys doing they go where we're gonna go to bed but my flights at 2 and they go what times you're flying I go 8 a.m. no cuz I gotta be in town Austin Boston all right that's like a road trip yeah pretty well

is that what they said well there was to confuse Austin in Boston Tom Green confuses it I'm gonna have a lot of farts do them perma stink oh boy these are bad funky that was fun okay they pack a wall the 8 a.m. is don't direct yes good direct okay by the way flew now I want to get country here flew their Delta amazing thank you back American I might be an Isis American sucks it's one of the worst I'm not even gonna give credence to the job just skipping you say whatever you're gonna say all I've said all I'm gonna say about these other shit airline I agree with Russia get rid of

American because it is bad it is stink of Rudy just like that but holy ears who but dog get to Boston at like three for one of the biggest highlights of my career the Wilbur theater we sold out to that night it was a Thursday night I got Doug Key hosting I got Dan Bolger featuring it's all sold out sewed up buttoned up tightened up I'm at the Moxie hotel I don't even heard it's literally next door to the Wilbur oh wow that must be new it's seen new it had a nice shine on it no jizz yet wow so I just all over it and yeah you walk right over and Taylor you shout out to Taylor she runs the joint Bill's daughter yep

and she runs the whole thing with an iron fist and she's sweet as hell and super nice and really a hell of a hell of does a hell of a job of a hell of a good cook hell of a good cook and she goes hey shows at seven what time do you want us to pick you up but I was like pick me up I'll just walk over and they go we'll send security and I go that's nice I don't need security who am I so little I go I'll be in the lobby at 6 30 she goes we got you I go I don't need security I get down a lobby Machi mr. Norman this guy Johnny's got the little little newsy cap behind him and he's like this is Tommy Ricky Johnny silly

Bali Wally and I'm like hey how you doing they all walk me over Sully Sully Sully yeah it's so Boston and I'm like oh look at this beautiful deal like best in the business and I'm like yeah what year is that they're like fuck if I know you know they're fun and yeah just you know that old green I've open for so many people in that theater so it's to be in that green room when you're headlining and there's a line outdoors and don't you love that they come in to they're not all in yet we're about 60% capacity want to hold I go hold it I love holding it's very excited well holding is the best because you just want to hang

anyway exactly I don't give a shit hold all night and it's funny to be on the other side of that because so many times you go to a concert or whatever you're like I'm in here when is he coming out where's Bruce what the hell's going on boss and you realize he's just back there going yeah don't give a fuck whatever he's anyway so I was blowing my father on Christmas Eve one year exactly telling stories I got my rider in there I got jerky I got almonds I got tequila I got holding coffield who needs them I'll be out when you go out there so whatever finally we start the show 20 minutes late Doug goes out rips it up

Bolger goes out you know he's a hometown hero he rips it love the ball so many great jokes so many great stories you know avocados are the good fat like a dell yeah he's got a million of him he's got a million my old roommate my good pal and as far as a whip I was like what do you do all days I gotta watch the documentary on Louis the 14th what the hell are you he's all history he loves guns germs and steel he's obsessed with that thing and he went back to call I mean he quit comedy basically to go to go to college that's right he didn't quit comedy but you know what I mean he went back home yeah he's got diabetes and he

just lifts up his shirt he shows you the weird goopity gopity beep-bop boop thing the robot he shoots himself right in front of you which I find appalling yeah not good now he's the best in a Tuesday I might add no I believe so well good to have you there bulgy I don't think he watches it can't watch now he's on a watcher yeah so wait watchers so we we do one show we do two shows and we just had a hoot and a handy and we got out there and got a little tipsy and I went to the the moxie and I just crash I didn't want to tell them but I was in a bad place at that Wilbur oh no which that well that's just the part no one knows

about like you do these shrooms and get drunk for two days then you go to a show that's a big deal I'm all whacked out you know but you have to just there was a couple yeah a couple pep talks in the in the bathroom you know they're all having a good time like how you doing in there and I'm like I'm good I'm like put water my face I'm wiping my ass I'm thinking of my dad so yeah but we got through it anywhere there were great shows that is one of the best rooms in the country it's a magical place I'm just shaving yeah that's exactly um that sounds fantastic I saw the photos those were beauties and it's nice to see

bulge in there and may was on you did you mention me well hold on I'm not done oh you wrapped up no I was wrapping up Thursday night I see okay but here's the clinker you get in that hotel you go oh man that was a wild ride you got to get on an Amtrak to Connecticut Connecticut I had Connecticut on Friday so we did Wilbur Thursday two shows get on Amtrak go to Connecticut do the New Haven College Street music hall why did you split up these shows why were Thursday Saturday no Friday people were asking me about that they're like why is he not doing Friday so I don't know it's a good question Chuck E cheese here's what it

is we did the Wilbur we had Wilbur then we had New Haven and then we go you know Wilbur still they said they could sell more so I go oh let's do that Saturday so we sell out Wilbur Saturday and then they go well since you're in this northeast area what about Philly so they had Philly on Sunday so I had to go Austin Boston New Haven Boston Philly wow that's a real zigzag it was a zig and a zag and those those were rolling papers that's what I assumed that's what I assumed happened exactly that yeah so New Haven you know you go Connecticut you know Yale you just think about like the what's that the Mohican Sun yes you think

about the Joker's wild you think about heart for funny bone yeah some of the worst boxes of venue in the city and stuff yeah see guy let's let's knock this one out I got umar there beat your hosted and I was like I will knock this out we'll get out of here get a drink amazing show amazing theater gotta hand it to Steve oh the guy running the place they made they made us a cake and had my face on it you weird cuz you cut the neck off you know wow but great time it's like 1400 seats and end up selling out at the last minute and then I didn't and then I'll pass it cuz I'm talking too much no no I'm enjoying so they go we're

backstage great green room big fun we're getting drunk and the guy goes big guy with a cowboy hat big bald guy cowboy hat boots on he goes I'm your security my name's Dave whatever you need and we go we'd like to hit the town a little bit what do you think what haven't what are you crazy I better get 12 guys with cowboy hats he had a gun okay and he's a cop so love cops yeah he was a good egg cut that out Chuck so we go defund him so so we go all right well what do you want to do and I'm starting looking at my DMS as you do and one guy goes have you in New Haven go to the owl the owl that sounds like a Yale secret

society that's like George W. Bush was finger fucking teenagers skull and crossbones or what do you call those guys that was it right skull and cross was that it okay something like that the skulls what do they call it the arch what was that that group that all the presidents were in the Freemason so I go what the hell's the owl and the cop goes oh the owl you got it buddy it's two doors down we go to the owl it's a cigar bar oh beautiful old cigar bar huh I said I quit did you blood brush well I haven't quit I mean who are we kidding but I haven't had what's this the wedding that's a month whoa you gotta

get rechecked I'd love to see these new numbers I think I'll figure it out yeah we'll figure go fig all right so you go to the hooters go to the owl yeah and they had a place roped off whoa the rope off like a black guy I know a black big dick so diabetes sickle cell so I go we go the the rope off and umar is freaking out he's a married guy you know and I got a beat you're over here whatever I got Eric man my filming guy and then the cowboy sits down and I get the texture boomer oh nice guy but I know he's gonna be sitting with a boy which is classic comedian to comedian I love that like this fucking guy like

thanks for getting us in but we don't want to talk we don't want an outsider that's for sure yeah so you know we're kind of doing our own thing and he's chiming in every now and then and we start to you know first like yeah who is this guy then after a while you're like wow this guy's interesting turns out he's a gay cowboy Jewish cop and he used to work detail for the secret service I mean this guy can tell any joke that's ever been written exactly yeah he's like all the guys who walk in a bar it's just him wow he's all of them so we're like what the fuck and now we're getting hammered we got stokies going I'm on

like my second one and we're on my third tequila and this guy's sober and going off and why he's actually drinking too I'm not supposed to say that but he's going on and on he goes I got Obama's phone number and he goes like this he shows us and I go call him no no he's got Obama he goes I got Clinton what's it what's his list another what's the name wow this is Obama says Bill Clinton and I was like what the fuck he's like I used to protect your old four this guy's like 60 and I'm like what the fuck oh my god this gay Jew cowboy cop is like the most interesting man on the planet

was president 50 years ago well he was a kid he was a phenom he's a cowboy kid he's like the doogie howser of wow so we're like what now we're blowing this guy I'm on my hands and knees like me like ah I'm getting wet and so so now it's we're getting kicked out of there and we go hey hey Dave your cop in this town you know the whole city goes I know the whole city we get into his cop car and he goes I swear to God I mean umar is wrecked umar is like umar looks like he's getting arrested like he's in the back like ah your wife's a country like he's that he's that and we're driving around New Haven now looking for food he knows

I know all the good spots but he's like COVID fucked a lot of them up they're all closing we go to one the guy flips the sign closed we go to another one not open he goes I know I know for my moons and I go umar knows the guy so we go to my moons they have my moons outside of New York it's a chain apparently I had no idea yeah so we go to my moves it looks exactly the same like the one in New York we go in there that all the chairs are flipped up or like please please sir and he goes don't worry we'll let you in and they give us sandwiches we sit down in my moons have a great time eat the sandwiches we go home go to bed wake up

Amtrak back to Boston now so beat your new Mar stay behind because they weren't in the Boston photos oh they just did New Haven they just did New Haven well I had Chris Allen for New Haven but he had to bail for some family shit oh yeah yeah yeah his wife died oh no she's welcome move on up Chris yeah so uh so he had to bail so I texted umar last minute he's like I'll be there he had to drive five and a half hours wow good for him yeah I kept an eye on his wife for him yeah yeah I'm sure she liked that so uh that was Chuck that made that noise I don't even know what that noise was but what the hell was that Chuck edit yourself out if you could easy there oh my god that was

making like a cute reference sure buddy you'd go weird yeah you went real oral there maybe cut the whole thing oh we got a squeaker that sound like a cartoon vehicle coming to a stop yeah so we go back to bean town the next day I'm all hung over but uh you go I'm hogging here all right well I mean I want to hear more about this beatown night too because oh yeah I'm dying to hear about it by the way Wilbur I'll be there April 15th which I think is officially announced I don't know or maybe I'm supposed to tease it or something I have no idea very exciting it's out April 15th Patriots Day weekend make sure you get your tickets and hold down here oh folks see you there and see at the ball game see the Whitman kid and the race that's a good name for a western

the Whitman kid not really but all right well I got a couple things here I'll just throw it there this is more of a just a silly throwaway thing but I went to Chipotle like like we do yeah on the run in Hamden Connecticut on the way up to Vermont did the Vermont Comedy Festival great time shout out to those guys yeah first year ever oh me and Matt Wayne and Chavone up there did a little theater fantastic crowd for these crowds where you just kill and then afterwards everyone comes up and goes tough crowd but we loved it tough crowd it's like the best show I've ever done in my life maybe they just like the TV show it's always weird but anyways that was great I was driving up there I pull over trying to eat a little bit better no one's gonna write to me and say Chipotle

is bad but I got no queso and I switched to brown rice I saw witness witness so I stopped at Chipotle what do you make of this guy all right it's me and then like three young teens so you want to like you they're like hot they're like football guys with the letters you know oh yeah I love those boys and you just want to you're hoping like something will happen you could be like how about that fucking ass you want to get in with them you want to be like I've done anal so exactly and then in front of them is an old geek he looks like Ed Harris uh Ed Harris cool yeah you say he looks like a buddy I see I see you look like Ed Harris yeah he's got the horseshoe ball with the glasses you know like I'll be sure and uh he goes up there and he goes hey first time

here on the first time or so don't shoot me so right away we're all like what is this now you're bonding with the with the twinks yeah I tried to make an eye contact like but they wouldn't look over at me they could they didn't like me they probably describe me the way I'm describing him yeah yeah yeah yeah no chin we're weird teeth glasses yeah that's okay um six foot little gangly but anyways yeah that's fine so then he goes like this I got an order for the whole family he pulls out a piece of paper and just like oh no and like unfolds it he goes I got an order for the whole family is he ahead of you he's ahead yeah it's him and then the three the three hot kids and then me and I just hear okay this one's for my mom oh he says mom wants but he keeps doing

all the all the family members and then dad wants uh two eggs over easy and then uncle Tom two eggs over easy it's totally it's guys are the wrong I mean he literally was like and then my cousin uh Ben he wants that I'm like why are you naming all the food we don't need the names just order the food you cook and this is it this is the whole story but I'm like what is wrong with I want to smash his face through the glass and by the way I want to say this this is the one and only time I'm for mobile orders oh shit the tables of turn I can't believe what I'm hearing if it's if you're ordering for a family that should be mobile I see get uh I see you yeah I mean get out of here right and he's like and then oh this one this is Bethany needs a pair

tits for her birthday I'm like get out of here wow that is kooky but you know this is what happens in a tower there's no black people in it yeah black out come in there hey hey geeky let's let's keep it moving there whitey come on so anyways that was annoying so let me tell you a little bit about orange theory uh you think you're better than us you know about orange theory I know it's a gym well I got a bad ticker Jim Belushi my uh my blood pressure is 380 over 419 and uh my cholesterol I can't even say it I don't know the numbers anyway it's uh it's not pretty Chuck what's your cholesterol yours is gonna be high no my cholesterol is good but I don't know god damn it mine's higher than anybody I've ever I got like I'm like winning the batting title over

here really bring it down yeah and so wow it must be the stokes that's not cholesterol that's blood pressure that's the mcdonald's cholesterol is the french fries and the cupcakes and the brownies and the mac and cheese and pretty much anything else I eat right children pussy whatever it is sure but so you know I gotta crank up the intensity of these workouts I go to the gym like I have no attention span for it I lift three things I do a couple push-ups I steam so I always walk by this orange theory you've seen them I've been too many I've done a day pass oh you know the orange I've been on the road okay well the orange theory I go I walk by there and I always see people lined up and I see people leaving sweaty yes yes and it's always hot chicks and tight clothes and

like one guy and so I get the wild uh hair up my asshole and I say to Sarah tomorrow we're orange theory whoa I look it up it's free first time only free and I sign us out and she's you know she's a little I don't know about this I'm like it'll be good it'll bond it it'll save our marriage we'll be healthy we'll do it so we sign up we go over there 1138 and I think it's a cult we go in there I think we should do I think the three of us should go do orange theory and then talk with that's a bonus because Chuck might pass away and then you know I'll do it yeah all right you got you got a team right that could back you up if you pass away yeah yeah there's Gus or Pete what's his name Rupert Rupert yes Rupert he's a good egg you're people like Bob Sacramento we

never see him that's true you've seen Rupert a couple times seen Rupert yeah he's a good kid which I saw more often once a week specifically but that hair's brutal uh dressed up as Mar for the homo love thing yeah it looks more Kramer I mean I have to I'm not gonna get a haircut for I just had to go with my regular hair all right look like buzz he doesn't look like Joe Pesci no no I don't know but any jizz so we go over the orange theory and you walk in first of all everyone's smoking hot oh I feel bad Chuck's hair is all fucked up it's that's what I date after this we go over there I don't know if it's a date but anyways we go over there and it's it's nerve right because you're nervous because it's outside your comfort zone it's something new it's something

everything's orange in there it's orange this orange that and then you walk in I'm wearing jeans and cowboy boots what's with the orange is there a picture of Trump on the wall what are we doing here I don't know it's uh they like orange orange are there oranges now no orange that'd be a nice touch yeah it wouldn't be bad I guess but I think that's a lot of sugar ah whatever but okay I think I found the answer well I love this orange theory I'm all about the theory is that orange yeah was that latin nothing rhymes with it so you go in there you're nervous you're gonna chant and you're like am I gonna fuck this up because you look like an idiot because everyone else has been there where the nuke comes it's hard at a gym you don't want to be the guy clueless

exactly a great film so we go in there and it starts with the row you start doing a little row action you know you gotta get the rogo which supposedly works 80% of the muscles in your body is that right yes it's good row and they put your stats up on the screen and this is the way I need to work out because I'm a competitive guy and I just listen to a thing about uh motivation they call it putting a number on it like the thing 10 000 steps yes it's it's a made up number but people tend to walk more because they want to get the 10 000 steps that's good and there was another thing they talked about about how if you look at marathon times way more people finish just under four hours than just over four hours because you don't want to hit that four people

like the idea of saying I ran a marathon in under four hours right that put a number on it I like and that's what orange theory has done and then they post your thing and you start off in the gray that's like resting heart rate then blue is like I'm starting to get a little something green is like okay now you're working out and orange is like we're get we're in it now did they light up orange is that what happens it lights up on the screen and you have a grid and everybody's up there so you start seeing people in orange and you're in the green you're like I gotta crank it up oh that's genius and then the art you can go from orange to red and that's like you're really making it happen you're russian but do you have to type your name into something yeah oh they got yeah

they got all my they could see my photos see my wife's asshole all right well wouldn't be the first person no and it's orange so my wife is red so she's very well red so you want it right away you're like as soon as it starts you're like I'm in the blue I'm a pussy my father hates me I gotta get orange you're feeling blue and every minute you're in the orange or red you get a splat point a splat jizz well after we did it my wife and I fucked as I came I said splat point hardest she's ever she laughs so hard it blew come all in my mouth the way I like everybody wins exactly 10 10 to 20 the wind what is that 10 10 wins oh yeah what is that lottery just news that give you the news on the tens that's right a weather on the tens

yeah I hate that I'm like 10 oh six can I get the weather you gotta wait four minutes well you missed it by six minutes I guess that's true you're in a window ah it's the chicken in the egg so we go in there and we start rowing and right away I'm like I want that orange I want to save my life so you row and then you row 200 meters then you run over you get some dumbbells and this is this is how I know I don't work out properly after this workout I couldn't stand walk or move for three days yeah yeah it feels good a little done to be sure I had to sit like this I'd get to here and just fall back oh yeah because you're doing you do the dumbbell squats you do 10 10 squats with the dumbbells and then you do a low dip of the heavier one real slow and

then up uh-huh right one of these things and then you you max out with the dumbbells down here you stay in a squat until you can't stay anymore and so you're doing like the shake and you're going high octane out of the gate this is high octane and my wife is there and a bunch of other women and I'm like I can't let women beat me no outside of the bedroom anyways you got that right so I'm shaking like a leaf then you run back to the row and then back again then you do all that for half hour then you hit the treadmill Jesus and it's intervals you got to go hard so I'm running like a 650 mile for three minutes and then back to a seventh I'm pouring sweat I'm all over the orange splat points everywhere and I think this is my new religion I had the big sweat ring around

afterwards new ring big numbers and Julia was the the coach she had the ponytail swing I need a ponytail love a PT get me some yoga pants and a ponytail and I they told me to suck dicks to get in the splat zone I'd do it sure wow I don't know I think it might I think it's my new religion but they've called me three times and email me twice so that's how they get it's like a cult leader it feels a little culty and they're like why don't you sign up for 10 months it's like 400 bucks a month or some shit well Julia's gonna peg you with an orange dick because it's coming this is this they got you by the balls now you're in I would love that but I'm tell my vow to the gays and to you you're gonna see a new man ship shape broccoli squats running the brownies around I'm

gonna be all pale I'm gonna look like a shillers list extra interesting but better okay well goodbye Jews Julia because this is exciting I can't wait to see it's good stuff splat points all over the place and then I'm going to equinox and all the shit oh man working out is good and you feel better it helps the mood too everybody thinks oh I don't want to be buff but it's it's a mental thing well I always I run but the body starts to break down so I'm diversifying my workouts all right plus the put did you have this too many push-ups now my elbows are fucked up I'm old the joints the joints and so I can feel like I go like a week without push-ups Doug Keyes like give it a rest my nipples are over here just a week oh yeah you get the saggers yeah so I'm

I'm coming back at you I'm gonna do a before and after if I have to now where's the orange steer in the city I don't know about the city there's one down the street of my house but I got the equinox the parking the health insurance it just adds up it's a lot oh yeah yay all right well maybe I'll try this orange we should go do orange yeah well we'll film it yeah let's do it let's go I don't think I'll let us film it's a cult yeah I'll do uh I'll bring my phone and do it we'll do it you know scream fly yeah you gotta put some gym shorts on yeah yeah you going like that you're gonna look like you're mowing the lawn yeah yeah okay bring bring me back to bottom then I got some other stuff all zoom and zip and zam where are we at Chuck I feel like we've been

on for two hours fifty oh five zero five zero yeah holy shit no hug no good hug bad hug wild hog great hug okay great film rod of the Oscars yeah all right so go back to uh bean town on the Amtrak you know it's it's it's like groundhog day you know you're on that Amtrak to Connecticut then you're back on to Boston you're like oh you're hung over you don't know what's going on you get back to the moxie recheck in now the lady has she came up from New York to see her family lives there oh yeah she gets to see the nieces and the nephews and the moms and the dads and the queeps and the butler so she goes when do you get to the moxie I'm dying over here I go I'll be there in 20 minutes we get to the moxie plower doggy style finished in two seconds because I was I was

pent up you know it's a lot of gigs and a lot of dates and a lot of road pet duck pent up pet duck they said I was pet duck I was like I don't know that one we should call that when you're horny we should go I got pet duck quack quack quack quack quack quack was the duck's worth yeah um so I put some duck soup on her back but uh peaking sorry I said great film ah yes so uh we bang in the hotel room and then I go well that's about that we gotta go hightail to the wilbur and so two shows at the wilbur so she shows up says hi to everybody she's like I'm gonna go see my family or they're having dinner I'm gonna go have dinner with them around town around the corner so I go great I do the first show killer amazing then the second show

comes around and I go you want to do five to the lady and she's like oh my god whatever so we the next show comes around Doug Key opens kills we had that thing where we're talking in the green room about a Kanye bit Doug's I got this Kanye but I'm like that's good what about this he goes out does it on a theater show opening Doug's it kills Doug's funny so that's fun we got that on tape then the lady goes up she has a great set hometown it's fun her whole family's there friends are there they're going and you hear people going like the wedding you're like people are you know they watch the photos and whatnot and they're they're Tuesdays so they know about the congratulations the marriage whatever sure so she has a good set thank god and then uh bolder

goes up rips it this is the hottest crowd of the weekend just happened to be the last one I go up have a fun time then we get out of there we go back to the W hotel bar all the in-laws are there it's a love fest I love that hotel in bar that's what we stayed for the half hours is that right oh wait you did a different season you were in New Orleans I did the royal with cheese where is that that's in bean town oh okay so yeah you stayed there too I didn't think I stayed at the dub oh yeah we did the dub no I don't think I did either way well either way it's a hell of a hotel W bush so uh great president hell of a time yeah my little goat what was that thing that he read the book oh I forget my fair lady my little goat dick I don't know what it was

talked about this didn't we could I say the Andy card my pet goat yeah we had this dialogue a week ago pet pet duck so um so the the funny thing is you know you do the Wilbur she's on cloud eight I'm reeling up I'm drunk whatever and then you go to bed at the moxie and beep beep beep but I go all right I'll see you later to it so I gotta hop on a flight to Philly she's like what that's it I'm like yeah I winded down you she's like well what do I do I'm like yeah it's up to you kicked her out of the hotel room I packed up when I went to the airport flew to Philly met up with Sean Murphy Murphy uh the the Eagles are playing so the whole city's a buzz right they got a hell of a squadron yeah I think they won they've only lost one game holy hell go

birds so uh we're in Philly we're watching the game we're hanging out that Fillmore is a spectacular venue like the guy who runs it Brendan super nice they hook you up with everything everything's taken care of it's huge it's an old steel factory in fish town wow now this fish town was just like one of these factory areas kind of like Tribeca and Soho used to be with the meat I don't know fish town and it's just revamped though honkeys came in and gentrification did that away hunks yeah yeah you know they do and we sold out two of those and I love Philly one of my favorite cities in America it got some stank on it as you say absolutely and the Eagles won so thank god they were happy sure and we we popped out two shows there and we had a great time Raj Sean Murphy and I

they got his cheese steaks which was a nice touch we had him in the green room I shit blood had a miscarriage and then Raj goes I'm going to Queens you guys want to ride back and we go I get to go to my home I've been home in nine days or whatever Shrooms Austin Rogan Vulcan Wilbur New Haven Wilbur Philly Moxie anal back home when we take a ride home and is in his Ben's and had a great old chat and he's got a Ben's you know these Indians they do well and got home on Sunday night at about two in the morning went huh and that's that God that's a great feeling what a weekend that's unbelievable unreal Austin New Haven Boston Philly Boston yeah and I'll tell you that Wilbur I keep harping on it it is such a lunch room it's one of the

best rooms in the country so when I went to the Fillmore which is also a great room and a fantastic you know comedy of venue you're like oh you have to like get used to how not as good as the Wilbur it is it's still great still great happy to be there but appreciate you Phil you got a regroup big Phil regroup yes they also they missed they got Fillmore it's FIL more why not go PHIL more Phil the Delphia more well I think that's his name yeah probably you know Steve Fillmore right all right it was an idea that Fillmore did okay it was the Fillmore the Fillmore East the Fillmore West yeah there's one in New Orleans started in San Francisco that's right yeah a lot of comedy specials at the Fillmore the killing them softly and Bill Burrs let it go

and a couple I think Schumer had one there a couple a lot of them at the Fillmore but yeah just want to thank all the gays for coming out all the queves all the nuts all the cooks we had a great time thank you for everything and uh seeing Buffalo this weekend I think it wasn't killing himself it was the second one for what it's worth yeah I'll get that right or I'll get 48 tweets yeah you fucking idiot and he had all the Oakland jokes he put all the blackberry on the side of that bridge right right right uh wow that is an amazing week um one for the books I don't know if I have time to squeeze in this uh Thanksgiving tale just give me a pinky and the pooper all right well I had people love when we go a little over okay I'll go a little over

but uh so we had last time I was here last time we recorded I had to rush back because I had the Walsh is coming down that's right Derek and his wife and the kids a little Joe and uh and Brooke so they were all on their way here which was nerve wreck is I was like I gotta get out of here I got a whole family coming to stay with me which is so exciting because my family doesn't come here right same same no one's ever come your parents come I guess they do come your parents have been here a few times you go to eat a leaf I guess you're right yeah you're right I mean no one's ever visited once ever my parents came before the wedding they came to you know go hey we got a planet right it was a mission but they didn't we didn't go see sights so you want when you move

to a city you want to show people around you want a host yes host you want to go hey come see my life I'm living a life here big life also you think if you if you live 200 miles away don't you think you might want to dabble in New York City for a weekend your son lives there go let's take a peek at this empire's state building it's maybe the best city in the country in your world car ride away four hours away and your son slash you know nephew cousin brother whatever lives there yeah what's going on lists so anyways I digress but so the Walsh is are coming and they got the kids there they're 10 and 6 they've never been these guys don't ever come last time they were there was for the wedding but even that the wedding was in terry town they just came down for the set the uh

what do you call it the courthouse the courthouse which was fun we went to the cellar and uh you know liz gave us ice cream it was fun with shake shack the whole thing but it was just like a half a day now the kids are coming I'm excited I got my list and when you're people are coming to visit you're like the boss you're the hero you put together the resume or not the resume the uh agenda yes you're the guy in the front of the parade with the scepter that's you exactly bap bap bap bap bap I dot the eye ah so I'm so excited I gotta get back there they show up and you know these kids they just love me and I love them it's little joe big joe and I get the text from uh the wife Erica goes hey joe he's a little sick just to warn you

shit not yet I'm trying my best you'll get him and I go I go ah shit he's sick well I was gonna be okay they're like we'll power through don't worry so then I say drive in front of the house I'll jump in the car help you park I jump in and this kid is in love with me he's enamored you know we have a love affair and I jump in the car and I go hey and he goes like this and so I'm like ah he's dying he's got nothing make a wish so it's worse than I thought he's dying we parked the car and I'm like we're gonna do this we're gonna do that and the parents are like ah there's always something and the kid can barely walk these kids they're always sick all right well they eat their own shit they're sucking on their thumbs they're licking their

assholes I mean they pick up show off the floor I do that and I'm never sick but I do it in a controlled environment I guess good point I buy a ticket to do all that so they who sells that is that a ticket master stop hub I'll give you the number to the guy so I go we get in the house and I go all right well I'm ready to go rocket and you can tell they're like okay we'll go rocket yeah rocket so rocket mortgage so rocket man I set up we're going to the Roosevelt Island tram now when's the last time you get on that thing I think with you in 88 the best bargain the two best bargains are Staten Island ferry and the Roosevelt Island tram if you come to New York take it to Roosevelt Island turn around and get back on it they're free it's no it's the it's a swipe it's a

swipe so it's three bucks but if they charge 50 bucks people would do it that's true it's a sight seeing you get a spider man jumps on in the first spider man but it's a big glass thing it goes up higher than the Queensboro bridge and you get a spectacular view and the sun was setting bright orange empire world trade center the kids are excited not Joey he's sick brooks loving it though we take it down then we jump in the four five train and the kids are excited about the subway wow this is amazing we're gonna go on the train and I go over the rules I'm like if you get on and no one else gets on get off and wait whatever right I feel like a big dad we jump in the four five take that to Grand Central and we have like a kooky guy on the train who's like I missed my stop

they don't open the doors long enough and I'm like this is New York hey were you nervous about kooks no it's fun about the kids is it reinvigorates you because everything's a sight if it was just me I'd be like oh my god this guy's a terrorist but with the kids you're like check it out this is New York it's like a safari so we get out first we go to Grand Central they have the whispering walls you know the whispering I love the wisdom the kids shit their pants if you whisper over here you can hear it over there it's so fun so we're saying the n-word all that stuff sure sure it's always fun were you you plan that that's the plan you had all this on the on the docket this is the plan oh wow the plan tram to the subway Grand Central then you see the the station

it's tough because he's six and he's sick he's six and sick six so he's like I don't give a fuck about a train station but they're trying to rally so we see the train station then we go let's walk to Rockefeller which is a walk that's from where we are now to rock at seven blocks up and like three big blocks over yeah big block so I go I'll just carry Joey and they go okay what is he about 40 he's six six oh look at that six six so he's got away I don't know 40 50 I don't know what a six year old weighs but you gotta tell you he's dead weight continue you figured it out so he's dead weight I'm trying to carry him and I'm old I got elbow joint problems and the push-ups and the curls and the mastering I know so right away I'm already like trembling I'm like this kid

sucks I can't carry him yeah yeah so I'm like why don't you try walking for a little bit you know as we walk we go all the way up to Rockefeller we're a block away from the tree and then Erica goes oh you know what I just read they light it tomorrow ah shit my ass so it's pitch black but NBC news is coming on Leicester Holt is right there Holt so they get to see Leicester Holt celebrity sighting whoa the Indianapolis Holt's so I start yelling hey Leicester Holt tickets five bucks to see Leicester Holt that's like it's a laugh that's bad yeah that's pretty good we go to FAO Schwartz I buy the kids a couple toys I go pick out anything you pieces of shit jeez I hope we didn't get the the the power wheel yeah they bought a big alligator and the the the piano ah yes yes

big that was fun so we get on the piano thing we go over and we go up to St. Patrick's Cathedral that's spectacular that's free the whole thing's free we go to the bakery Magnolia bakery buy a bunch of cupcakes send the kids home next day I'll just fast forward to the Central Park Carousel all that stuff it's great Belvedere Castle we go to Shake Shack on the Upper West Side we go to Times Square just so they can see it put a thumbtack in it great day the kid loves it and then Joey stayed home because he's sick and then Derek gets sick he had the flu they had to stay home but we had a great day with the kid go back now I got three stand spots oh and I thought Derek you'll come with me see the New York City life he's sick he's got the flu so I say Erica you could come with

me you'll see someone should see but then Joey's sick so she's like I gotta stay with Joey Derek's too sick to watch Joe and I go all right well we'll just hang in I got these three spots but now we're hanging in so I'm like I don't want to do spots plus he's sick Derek said I'm like why don't I stay in cancel the three spots how I just texted Patrick I go hey I got a sick kid over here and a sick adult I feel terrible and anyway you can cover me oh wow he covers he goes yeah don't worry I could tell you was a little miffed I think he was a little upset well so then about 20 minutes pass Joey he's breathing weird he's got asthma he's going now I have an oximeter what's that that's the thing you put on your finger tells you your oxygen level and I have it from COVID when COVID

first happened I thought everyone was gonna die sure so I bought one of those off Amazon some did I strapped this thing on his dick it's coming up 90 91 now a good number under 95 is bad oh bad you are 99 I see so he's 91 we're going hmm this doesn't seem great and he's got the oh and so we confer and I go I tell you you gotta take this kid to the hospital Jesus so she packs the bag puts on the shoes but this happens 20 minutes after I canceled if I had left she'd be fucked she's got a 10 year old she's got a husband with the flu downstairs Sarah's out doing spots so I say get in a cab and go take the kid to the hospital I got Brooke she's 10 we had the best day of our lives she doesn't care about her brother she's thrilled

she gets fungal Joe time we watch Home Alone 2 we get some Chinese food wait why 2 because we had seen all the sites and she just they just they just watched one and every single scene we're there we were at the plaza we were at the reservoir the whole thing so I'm like you got to see this thank god you had the cockometer or whatever exactly the cockometer they go to the hospital Derek's dying downstairs but Brooke and I had the time of our lives we were laughing and yucking it up I'm giving her the fun facts and it was the best time of my life you know what you are you're a backup parent I'm back up every parent would we got mom you got dad but that's not enough sometimes you need reinforcements you need a fungal reserves he was out of the commission

on commission down there she's at the hospital for hours and hours and hours but if I hadn't canceled that spot the whole thing would be funky wow she would have had two kids at the hospital you saved the day your first responder day six then I texted Patrick just just a heads up like you know they went to the hospital this saved the day and he's like hey it's a tough time of year so that was smoothed over there is something going around we said oh it was it was all fucked up he was bad news bears so was Derek he couldn't even move he doesn't even remember leaving he had like a temperature of 140 hot damn and so uh Brooke and I we stay up late it's 10 o'clock 11 o'clock and it's like 1115 she's like this but I'm fungal so I say all right midnight you got to go to bed

and she goes you got it okay so it's a nice deal good kid and then at 1201 we watched Save by the Bell reruns I'm like you got to check out this show I loved it as a kid we're enjoying it real bond fest I go it's 1202 let's go to bed she said you got it she goes down to bed I feel like a million bucks I'm teary eyed I'm gay I'm jizzing then I got to stay up with the phone on because they're waiting the hospital I got to let them in they ran left without keys so I'm the guy like sitting up right like this every time it's like I'm like oh they get in at 3 30 a.m I put my slippers on I go out I let them in I give Joey a big wet kiss send them downstairs put those kids to bed we made the best of it now what is he alive oh he's like a kid they just soup up they give him

the steroids and a couple puffs of that he's fine he's 100 the next day and uh then they had to leave the next day it was a sad teary episode because we don't get to see each other enough and how many days were they here just two gee that's a long flight a day and a half so well they were in new england for two weeks I saw them up there too which is a great hand thanksgiving was great so any jizz said you an edible arrangement I mean you saved the day well they're very sweet they're very grateful and it's a big love fest I love these children more than my life itself are you uncomfortable with the kid naming after you that would make no I'm thrilled I'm honored I mean it's an honor don't get me wrong but that I would I'd be like oh don't do that well I said I'm like I

can't cheat on my wife now I can't drink and drive you know what I mean I can't hit my you know my father you'll tarnish the name before you can tarnish your own name you don't want to tarnish another kid once someone is named that you do have to be on your best behavior because I told you there's a there's a lady that's Sarah knows that named her kid Cosby no swear to god this they're named after kids there's a carline and a Cosby whoa all right well yeah I'm getting sleepy they're gonna wrap this up child named Cosby wow holy hell all right we gotta wrap it up we're way over time where are you gonna be I got I got some dates here fatty I got the big ones are Chicago March 2nd Park West that's a theater and then the Wilbur April 15th those are the big theaters

I'm afraid I won't fail so please buy those tickets they're on sale now comedian Joe list dot com ton of dates January Cleveland hilarities the 12th of the 14th we're doing the ps 109 show again January 9th 6th Austin Cap City January 19th the 21st Mohegan's son the 26th through the 28th February Key West February 3rd and 4th Denver Comedy Works the 9th through the 11th Lafayette the 17th nice secret group the 18th Park West March 2nd Columbus Funny Bone March 2nd and 3rd Salt Lake City wise guys that's March 31st in April 1st Wilbur Theater April 15th the moon tower I'm back there in Austin again April 20th through the 22nd Tampa side splitters that's on sale already May 4th through the 6th it's a way a long time away

but if they're on sale so get them early and comedian Joe list dot com Patreon is just insane it's just blowing up you gotta be on it it's crazy if you're not wild you're missing out how many how many uh when does this come out yeah that's okay I'll I'll grab it we're gonna we're just about done right now thank you very much I appreciate it oh geez I just I just saw the number I was like is this yeah no it's cool thank you very much I appreciate it they had my stuff but they're leaving uh you're gonna lock the room so they can't leave in there's right there okay I thought we were in trouble no we're all good too I thought I was the lawyer they were just like oh we're leaving for the day feel bad oh my

they're very nice they love us oh great they're really really nice I hang out and talk to them afterwards wow you should bang one when's this come out next Monday I mean next Tuesday okay hey folks this weekend I'm at Cobb's comedy club in San Francisco I've always wanted to play that room come on out say hello then it's Christmas then uh go to Africa see the bush women then Nashville Zany's in Nashville blue note in Hawaii Miami baby uh Spokane comedy club skyline comedy club I'm going back to the clubs you know build some new material yeah you need it Oxnard Liberty live and uh yeah so come on out folk get on the patreon get a mug say hello braze Allah what Chuck's dying what the hell man we just got a message in the patreon

hey big gay from Ireland been a big fan for ages only recently signed up for the patreon but just had to send you a message after the new ebb I'm the oldest son of shanaid o'connor was so funny to hear you guys talk about her briefly on last week's episode oh wow I listened to all the usual comedy pods and she comes up from time to time I always have a good giggle she's a funny old kooky grandma now but yeah she was in early days badass there's a new doc about it called nothing compares definitely worth to watch keep it up much love Jake this is why you're always going to be nice that is scary she's awesome she can really belt it out and uh fuck the pope yeah guys we'll see you now braze Allah