Tuesdays with Stories! - #486 Uncle Messy

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Joe and Mark are having a kooky time in the studio folks. They're  talking Denis Leary, an alternate take on joke stealing, class  clowning.... Mark goes clubbing like it's Night at the Roxbury, and Joe  stands up for himself against an aggressive cookie-pusher! It's a crazy  week for queefsters! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Visit http://athleticgreens.com/TUESDAYS for a Free 1-year supply of Vitamin D - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self. - Support the show and get up to 29% off some sweet new metal art with the code TUESDAYS at https://displate.com/tuesdayswithstories?art=624740987334c - Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code TUESDAYS. Gambling  Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone  you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral  services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537)  (IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700  (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit  OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically  present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MD/MI  /NJ/NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN OH/ONT. Eligibility restrictions  apply. Free bets: Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 bet.  $200 issued as free bets that expire 7 days (168 hours) after being  awarded. See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms. No Sweat:  Valid 1 offer per customer per day of NFL 2023 Wild Card Round. Opt in  req each day. First bet must lose after opting in. NFL bets only. Paid  as one (1) free bet based on amount of initial losing bet. Max $10 free  bet awarded. Free bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded.  See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms.

Well folks we dreamed it we did it you asked for it March 14th Gramercy Theater Tuesdays with stories Cast big guess gonna be hot selling out get your tickets quick. They're moving baby. We're out of the comedy clubs We're going to theater it's live pod March 14 March 14th get your tickets Go on says a pre-sale Thursday there's a pre-sale Wednesdays a pre-sale Thursday then on sale Friday, so get on the pre-sale You want to be front row? We're gonna be doing crowd work big special guess. It's gonna be insane Cominacha the Gramercy

I was a Hogan impression I want to break my zipper Hey mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do great good to be here Welcome to Tuesdays with stories Hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag Surf's up And she didn't even flush knock knock who's there? Mark Norman and Joe list. Yeah, it's Tuesdays with stories everybody No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy

Hey folks, here we are We're out at the studio feels weird. We're in here It's like being after school when it's closed It really does now what did you hit the wall cuz we've been out to lunch We're hanging out having a nice time all of a sudden you sound like shit. Well the hangover is kicking in I've had my 17th coffee I'm pushing through I got the you know the wave of just like I'm Zombied Body as the kids say

I'm sure we talked about this, but zombie kicks so much And it's the only cranberries to them that really kicks out not the only I'm gonna get emails But they're not as heavy as that song is like kind of heavy. Yeah. Well, that's what I was gonna write not heavy metallic Whatever, you know what I mean. Yeah, well remember Yes, but a fart great tune. I think we might be in total rerun here I know well speaking of linger tell them about that piece of gas I just let go on the four five So we went out to lunch and you were talking about how you had to drop a boom boom and then we got on the train

And I had a I had a scruffy gentleman in front of me and I smelled a real Stinkaroo, so I thought it was him. Yeah, turns out it was you and you really hot box that that Auschwitz We're on the subway you you gassed me it was It was one of those ones it's a little alarming where you're like that alarming it smells like I have some kind of Issue like a growth somewhere or like there's a dead hole. You know, it's a dead tooth in your ass, right exactly so Yeah, let it go and we got here to the studio and I just let it fly and it was It was ugly. It was kind of like yours in that other episode. Yeah, that was a ballsy fart because

Everybody caught it. I looked around everybody was doing them Well, you don't like the kid turning down medicine. You don't know I gave him the airplane Comes the stealth jet bummer. Oh, yeah, by the way last night I was at the stand and the emcee It was very sweet brought me up by saying, you know these kids with the new terms these young people terms She said he's got a couple bomb specials. Mmm. I'm like you can't call my special a bomb special. Yeah, that's no good To bomb bomb bomber jacket a lot of bombing involved in comedy I think if you say bomb ass a bomb ass special, I think the ass helps it, right? I guess then this Bombay. That's what an Indian guy's bombing Gordon. Huh Gordon Bombay. Oh, that's right

Remember, I never noticed he was named after an Indian city. Yeah, I suppose so I love at the end of that movie with a like if you ever want to try out for the The Dallas star or the Minnesota north stars at the time Give us a call. Ah, you can do that If I meet I'm talking mighty ducks Remember the end of the movie Mike Madonna, and I forget who the other player is but he goes if you want to try out Let us know he's like a lawyer. He's like a 33 year old lawyer. Like, you know, if I meet Patrice Bergeron, can I get a tryout for the Bruins? Yeah, so he has the coach. They said come try out

He's the coach of the mighty dog under 12 team. Yeah, and they go. Hey, man, you were really good when you were nine Like they don't just hold open tryouts put together by the the forward. Yeah, and he's not even in fighting shape He's like a little doughy teacher guy. He's a lawyer. He's a lawyer. I hate hockey. I don't like kids What's it supposed to be a pep talk? All right quack quack quack. That was a big hit huge. Yeah. Are you kidding? They have a movie a team named after the movie. Oh, really? Yeah, the Anaheim ducks. What they dropped the mighty That's never happened before they make a movie they make a team you make a movie remember that Dennis Leary. Oh Yeah, were you into Leary? I got into it, but I didn't love it. Ah, I'm an ass. Oh

That was a huge hit. That was fun. He still closed his comments come home with it. Really? Yeah, geez and a Louis bit But he did have The line that killed me. He said I park and I park in handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicap faces Pretty good line. Oh that killed me as a kid. That's a hot one Handicapped faces. He's a guy. I'm like is he talented or not? I can't tell cuz he's in a lot of movies. I think he's talented All right, I don't know about him. I mean, he's he's good in the sand lot The marriage ref or no just the ref the ref the ref Yeah, and he's good and fireman show. Yeah, he had that show. I mean he put together a show

I think he you know he did the show and He's got to have some talent and and yet not just anyone can I'm not condoning Stealing jokes obviously sure, but like if my father stole Richard Pryor's act. He wouldn't be murdering. Well the n-word part would hurt him. Yeah, that would be tough, but you know Yeah, I see what you're saying. I mean, that's a good point. He stole it. He still sold it He's still well, you know, he had the cigarette and the thing. Yes Very Bill Hixie. He was doing all the Hicks. He did a lot of Hicks and a lot of Louie. Well, that was the old line Why is somebody came up with these brilliant lines?

Why is Dennis Leary famous because there's no cure for cancer? Oh Meaning he took Hicks's spot, right? That is brilliant. Wow. I love jokes like that. But what made me say Dennis Leary? I started to talk about That was what you set me off before that Yeah, what was that? It was a bit about Larry. Oh, I quoted him. Oh, it was you make a movie He was like, oh, there you go, which is funny because he made You know, obviously he's a conservative guy But his conservatism was coming out even in the 90s because he said we should wear America

We should start bombing more places attack more and he said first stop Vietnam Fuck these people and then he goes we show up with a ketchup by surprise and he goes all you make a movie and he goes No, not this time pal That was the bit and it's his bit so don't get upset with me. Oh boy. There you go. Yeah. Yeah There was a lot of comedy around back then that was a Subpar I guess I shouldn't name who was who sucked Yeah, as a kid you didn't I didn't know any better Yeah, but don't you feel like even as a kid if somebody said a hacky line in class and got a big laugh

You're like that was a little easy. Yes, of course. Well, someone said that Someone did that one of those old-time guys had the great thing about comedians People think comedians are the class clown. Yes, but they're not the comedian is the guy pointing at the class clown going this guy sucks Exactly, that's a real thing or someone else had a great one that I love. I love all these adages Oh, yeah, people think the class clown is the guy that streaks during graduation, but the comedian Is that what I said the comedian people think the comedian is the guy that streaks at graduation But the comedians the guy that tells the guy you should streak during the graduation That's good. That's pretty good. Well, then there's also the interviews like were you the class clown every comedian's like

I wasn't a class count, but I was Also the class clown. Yeah, I got voted class clown and in senior year El Clown. Oh, I Mean, I was a funny guy. I was definitely cracking wise. Oh, yeah I mean, I've told you my big my big hits in third grade. Sure I'll say him now again. Yeah, but a lot of repeats. Yeah Yeah, I feel like I'll buddy. I'm like, oh, I'm in high school football. But yeah, I said The teacher goes, what are you not supposed to do in a glass house? Throw stones and I yelled shower

Murdered that's big big Highlight of my year and then the girl after was like that was funny do that again. Mmm. I was like, oh, this is got some currency Danielle nujint. Hey Oh Danny nuj, where is she tonight? She died. Okay, but She was fun in her day Hmm. Nice lady dancer. There's no cure. Oh cancer. I think it's a dancer I always wanted to fuck a dancer one of those people that puts the leg over the head How about this, you know, we always talk about our men and women men and women women's sports trance

And it's always guys blowing women out of the water two things women can do that men can't Ballet on the toe. Mm-hmm. Men can't do it. Are you sure? Impossible. It's never been done. No kidding. Give it a goog. Wow Gymnastics women dominate in gymnastics men cannot do anywhere near what women can do in gymnastics Interesting because they're little and they do the splits and the business. Yes. Yes They had a YouTube video where they took professional women and professional men and they said try to match the women They couldn't do any of them. So they got two things everything else. We got them Strength brains problem-solving math

Sex attractiveness where number one. Oh, yeah, multitasking birth. Well, nobody can multitask Really? Yeah, that's all kinds of psychological studies. They say women care better at it. You're just kind of doing something. You're not fully Doing two things, right, right? You can you know, you're giving slight attention The brain is not capable of paying attention to two things at once. What about the patent the rub? Well, I think that's It's like all this top up top down thing You're not doing it I can now I now I got to just really show it harder than I thought

There it is. That's it. It's also hard to try this one I've definitely done this in the show. I think you do travel you try to move this hand forward and this hand backwards Oh, that's impossible. Whoa That's the test of a drummer really if you can do those two things you're actually you're able to drum and check this out Yeah, I guess you're a drummer. Yeah, I'm a drummer and you're a retarded I guess so special needs that was that was hard to watch that someone should gift that or just that Just you doing that thing. Oh, yeah, hold on. Oh, it's tough. Yeah, my brain won't let it happen Yeah, it's not good. You look like you're doing arithmetic over there. There it is

Now that's the same direction. Fuck my ass great band shit one direction. Oh one direction. I fucked up that Harry Styles Was he in that? I believe he was I think that was his jump. No, I'm not kidding. I so went to an SNL party once and He was there and you know, you go look at this we all make fun of him He's a twink. He's in a boy band and the lady was like he's pretty hot. Wow They all have something. Yes, get big. You have something. Yes We all sit around make fun of in sync, but if Timberlake showed up and went down on Sarah, you'd be out Oh my god, I want someone to go down

Right in front of me. You know what I mean? Yes, I'd like to see that. I'm taped up in the corner You know sock in the mouth. Yes, that's come sock. Yeah And she's got that she's in stirrups just wide open like a like a 99 cent store. Well, you took it too far All right. Yeah, I was taking too far. I was picturing so it's weird because here we are like you said It's like the holidays where everyone's off. It's it's two days before Christmas over here. It's wacky and We're in the studio and nobody's work except the the egg timer over there He's yeah, that's an old hen. You gotta look at that guy. Yeah, he's decrepit Yeah, it's I don't think he's left the office. He's covered in dust. No, he can't stand if he stands. He'll just collapse

It's like Larry King. He just can't you can't take the suspenders off or he'll fall apart That's what I'm that's why I'm excited about my heart disease I'll just kick off at 71 just right on the floor not a bad year By the way, I cannot find a human being with cholesterol as high as mine I tell my number and people are like, well, I'm talking to like Sumo wrestlers and shit. Wow And Bobby Kelly, it's not it's not good. I mean I got crazy numbers here, but my my good is high It's a shame that that doesn't count as a record breaker What do you mean? You know, like if you have a low number like I ran the mile in two seconds

Wow, but if you go I have a high cholesterol It's that and divorce you get married eight times. No one's impressed. Is it so weird to get I think mare I think it marriage should legally cap off at two years. No. Oh, that'd be nice People two marriages yes, you get of course you get married you're young you're whatever you think it's gonna be okay Whatever happened with you there with some reason you get married. Obviously, it's a mistake. Sure You fuck up you get divorced or they die whatever it is and Then some time passes and you go, you know what I was stupid ice now. I see You get a second marriage, right? Then that one ends

You're out. Yeah, it's like college athletic Availability what do you call that? Not availability eligibility eligibility Well, I know a lady who back into my single days. We used to have a quite a fling sure She was divorced so she was like I gotta get this guy stink off me fuck me in the ass jizz in my hair Now she's like, I'll never get married again. That was the worst thing I ever did was get married now She's got a new guy. We still stay in touch. She's like, I guess I'll marry him. I'm like what I thought it was a You know never again, but it just happens

Might want to be careful being in touch with this Dame Wow She's Yeah, I guess you got a point there wife now They don't like when you're in touch. I'm telling you I just you know bumped into her. Hi, but she's like, I'm gonna man I'm getting married. I'm like, ah, but he said never again Yeah, that's what everyone says. I mean it happens. I mean rock Kenny Rogers I think he was married like 11 times. Yeah, why why do it again? It's very interesting to be like this is and when who's marrying a guy for the fifth time exactly

And then how many alimony's is that I mean how many checks you got a right to 11 wives? That's a lot alimony alimony pay in your bills Be you do do do do do do do do Scooby peanut butter That's a skippy skippy. Yeah, Jeff choosey moms. Yeah, you know Jeff This is a repeat also It's an actual measurement of time one one thousandth of a second. I believe I think you're right Yeah, I'll be back in a jiffy. I think you're right. Yeah How about that? Yeah

Bad idea. We were all locked in we did a bunch of episodes and I said, hey, you're in town. I'm in town Why don't get another? Yeah, you're hung over the office is empty Chuck killed himself and My brain is mush. It's mush Jerry. I got ants crawling on it. There's nothing happening up here You didn't seem mushy earlier. What happened? I was pushing through. Uh-huh now. It's us. I could be myself But I'm kicking in the high gear here. It's the holidays. Well, we had lunch with Sam old Sammy boy I said, hey, the big three are in town. Let's get it together. That was nice. Yeah, I tried to set it up And by the way, I threw out steak. Let's go to Del Frisco's and really live He wasn't having it and Sam gave me the you know the old

Steak in the middle of the day. It's too heavy. I can't do it Steak in the day, which by the way, then he was like, why don't we go to a big deli? I'm like, what are we gonna get a roast beef sandwich? How is that a steak is lean? Good point And also they have Caesar salads. They have salmon. It's a steak house, but you have options get the chicken I agree and then we ended up you got a bowl of pasta. He got a chicken sandwich. Yeah So it was all heavy and everything. Let me tell you about Sam I don't know how much I can say here. Oh boy, but I'm at the village underground. It's late David tell goes on I get pushed back. It's one in the morning. Sam's like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I'm watching a tell and he goes come over here And I'm like, well, I'm on next and he's like come over here. You know how he does I know these people come over here people. I can't stand it very aggressive I'm him, but I don't like to come over here. So I do that. I send a photo of a tell like I'm on next I'll come after this. He goes. All right. All right. Here's the address. Whatever then I'm watching you tell He's like how far out Dude, where are you? Come on. Talk to me. Here we go. And I'm like, I'm going on whatever Get off stage. He goes meet me at this nightclub. I've never heard of it before he gives me the address

I jump in a cab and it takes you don't want to go. It's one 140 in the morning I just you just want I live a block away from the cellar. It's when I walk home. Sure, but you go He's he's really pushing. So I go, all right, maybe there's something to this go meet him at the nightclub. He goes say Mumbumbo at the at the front desk or whatever. I go, you got it Yeah, and I go to the front that the velvet rope and everything and I go mumbo and they go up There we go. And this guy goes, hey Norman big fan. He's walking me down the stairs sexy place underground DJ bumping strobe light blaring 2000 of the hottest women you've ever seen in your life. Okay, finally something that's appealing. Yes. Yes, they're all 11

it was insane 11 years old and Everybody's tits out and heels and leather and women and the whole thing So then I go to this booth and there's the guy the rappers and the cool guys and they all get the bottles and everything in the Blow Sam's right in there. What and he goes get in here. He's got me to headlock and he's like meet this guy He's a billionaire. He's a billionaire. He's a trillionaire. She's gay and We had a hell of a night. Wow You're Robin elbows. Did you have the bucket of ice with the ball? Yes. Yeah, the caravans. You got the OJ You got the cranberry you got the water. Wow

Fun time. I mean you do it once every ten years. It's silly. You can't even talk. It's like, huh? Where's the bathroom? You know and it's just Now what are you wearing did you did you put something on? I looked like a like a Slub in there. Everybody's dressed to the nines guys and fucking pinch-tripe suits and I look like a Retard and do you dance at all? Yeah, and what's the what's the the combo? I mean, are you trying to have a chat of your bouncing bits? It's Sam. So I gotta assume he's throwing a couple bits out there

Yeah, well, you can't hear anything. So it's a lot of like never been here. Yeah Crazy, right? Yeah, if it's that for four hours. Yeah, where is this place again? It's on 11th and and Fourth Avenue right by Amsterdam billiards. Oh, I just walked by there on the way to our lunch right by there But you would you'd never see the club. It's one of these hidden places right by what's that Webster Hall? That's the one right across street from that interesting, but it was a Tuesday night You just think this is happening. There's probably like a thousand of these going on in New York City right now You got to be in the know. I wonder if studio 54 that open now. Would we be able to get in? We got the YouTube specials Netflix would be beyond. Hey, I'm over here

I would like to know that that's a good. I don't think so. I think you got to be like my magic Johnson You got to have a I think athletes could get in. Yeah, you're pretty big I mean you might be able to swing it if I was bigger and Hipper I'm wearing a hoodie. You know these guys got a chain on they got an earring. They're black, right? I think did the student before different was good. If you wore like Zaini's hoodie, they're like he's saying something That might be something. Well, you see the photos from there It's just gays and blow and jerking and squeezing and making out. That's a sexual vibe in the air Yeah, it seems fun

I would like to be at one of those parties where it's just cool to fuck men. Yes You know what I mean? I can give you a few links They're they're actually not hard to find You want to go down Broadway and turn gay? Oh God being gay would be great. It would be really great. The three of us could just suck each other off right now That'd be it. We wouldn't have to no one would cry. Yeah, no one have to call you after just Gargle up some come and be on our way say happy holidays and slap each other in the ass

It's got to suck for women because a woman could see a hot smoke and hot guy and Be like well, I still got to talk to him. I still got to get to know him a little bit You're like that sucks for you, right? It wouldn't be a lot of your life would be easier. You just like all this guy's smoking hot I'll fuck them right now, but you're thinking of Women the way as a man. Yes. Yes, they don't have that because some women I'm sure would like that and they can still do that. Yeah, I think it's rare I think you have to be on heroin or something right there are women that will walk up to you and be like

I'll suck you off right now for a couple bucks. No, does that happen? I think so. I mean, maybe if you're you know Chris Helmsworth or whatever the hell right, but it just it all but it sucks for them even I'm saying like that They got to go like oh, he's hot, but I need more I need to learn about him a little or whatever it is I got to talk to him. I got to see if he's a murderer right the wiring is bad Yeah, and I'm saying for them like it sucks for us too because we have to do all this work to bang them But it's a lot of work that sucks that they have to do that Imagine do that with food. Hey, that food looks good, but I got to know if it's gluten or whatever right I Guess some people have that these guys. Oh, these food people. I'm so glad I'm not one of these food people

What are you talking about? You can't eat anything. Well, I'm saying I can't eat. I don't like to eat But I'm not like if I eat that my my tits fall off Yes, I'm like I'd like to eat a burger and a pizza, but I'm not like allergic to gluten or oats or nuts Like I can eat all the shit. Yeah, my lady. She eats too much cheese. She'll shit blood literally Wow shitting blood I mean, we also have ferocious anal, but She'll poop red If she eats cheese cheese, Jerry What is it about the cheese that makes her bleed? That sounds her wires across. Oh, she's all whack-a-doo

What's this Irish blood bloodstream you got going on? I mean, I'm Irish all I eat is cheese. I've never shit blood That's true, but it's just potato In and out and so you throw a little dairy in there and whoo, that's a It's a it's a beet factory. Oh boy. Well, I gotta tell you down four and a half pounds. It's pouring off. Maybe I'm leaving I'm leaned up You meet you having the with McDonald's withdrawals now. I feel I've been mindful and I don't even want the crap anymore Whoa, let's draw on like get that last night. My my my I was in my sister my Sarah's my

What's that? What's that lady? My wife my wife's family showed up and they're like we got to get pizza We're starving and I got dominoes. I even got it from the guy and handed it right to him I said you eat this wow those days are over for me. Well, processed is just horrific for you can't touch process I cut out bread years ago. I never felt better. Oh, wow. My bread is tough I mean, it's pancake muffin waffle pizza sandwich Let's goes on. I love the bread. So let me let me tell you this speaking of food because you know how you know me I hate when people food shame. I hate order shaming. I hate the I'll take a plain slice plain cheese Boy, you got to have the pineapple with coming in it. Yes. You're a fucking idiot. Yes. That's a hard one to find

I hate that not my house. I I Hate that shit So I go I'm in Omaha nice weekend in Omaha. I love Colleen. Is there a better club owner than Colleen good egg It's it's a chain, but she makes you feel like a mom and pop. She really does She's so sweet and she got me a liquid death candle. Oh, you know, I love the LDs. Yes. Yes candle so I got liquid death candle and You know fun crowds bunch of Tuesdays came out

We had a few gays that were at Des Moines drive to Omaha Because I was in Des Moines like six weeks earlier. I'm like, what am I Pearl Jam? I can't mix up my set list. I know I hate the repeat you see them in the audience It just throws you off. I know and then I'm like trying to come up with bits. I'm like I'm like give it take a shit while watching Full House. Is that anything and they're like what? Michael messy Well, I've been a rose on your nose Anyways, I I go up there and there's like a fake Panera bread next to the club. Okay, it's called

It's not Panera bread. It's called, you know, generic bread. Yeah, it's It's called something. I don't know. Yeah, it looks like Panera bread They have like they have cookies and and crafts or whatever the fuck you call that crafts not crafts. What's it called snacks bakery? Pastry pastry the pastry archie. They got pastries and then over there. They got soups and salads Yes, Panera bread, but it's Steve's Panera. What I see a knockoff. No, it was before Any jizz we go over there and I've found on the road I haven't been having the sweets of the cookies at all But on day three of the road the Saturday. I'm like, I gotta have a cookie. I gotta get something going

Yeah, you need a vice. You got to have a vice and I got I got a few but I'm like, let me go get a cookie. So we go in there We're gonna go to the movies Christmas vacation was playing at the movie theater five bucks. What? It's a classic. It's 33 years old now Randy quade. Oh, it's the best. It really is the best Yeah, the cat with the tree Elaine next-door neighbor. I mean, there's so many the lights Todd and Margo She's history and obviously she doesn't wear underwear. It's it's gold I mean, I could make a case that it's the funniest movie of all time. It's pretty great Yeah, the guy with the two pay the the attic falling through it's gold. It's just gold and it makes you cry

It's beautiful. And of course, it's like three Malina Gen Z like 14 year old people just on their phone The guys literally like this. Oh, I think his parents made him see it And I'm like, this is a fucking classic you shut your mouth you fucking idiot I know brutal. I mean, I hate to be that guy, but I guess we're the old guys now where you go Hey, respect your old shit or whatever, you know, like you you show me a Steamboat Willie or whatever the hell from the the 30s and I'm like, oh, I want to kill myself But back then I was my dad's favorite movie You know the old Mickey Mouse, yeah, this debut in fucking 1841

Yeah, but that was comedy classic back in the day and now you watch it you want to put a hot poker in your dickhole sure After I cut my nuts off, I'm gonna stick this hot poker up my ass. Oh, yeah, Karlin I think he said dick actually, but whatever it was. Yeah, it was dick Anyways, I go there and I said, let's get a cookie for the movie. It's Saturday I've been good to myself better than I've been to myself. So I say let me get a cookie and it's a real Shmuckaroo back there. It's the guy The like guy was like, hey, what do you need cookies like that? I hate these guys that are like what's up there pal? Yeah, well sport

Like you should have a whistle and just a dick. Yeah, he's kind of being an alpha But you're like you're behind a counter with an apron. Yeah, you're a loser you suck and and I you know I'm performing. I'm now I'm headlining the club. All right pal. Yeah, it's not even a real Panera Yeah, you're a fake Panera working the you're not even the manager. You're at the cookie jar. Yes. Who stole it? And he's like, what are we doing today boys? What are we needing? And he's one of these guys that say I have as though It's his place. I Got I got peanut butter. I got you got nothing. You got a job at a place Yes, meanwhile, you're like, let me write all this down to do for the new Tuesday who comes back to the show

So I say, hey, I go shove a chocolate chip up my ass and he goes. Well, it's actually buy one get one Now we're tempting you. Well, it's trouble with the diet because I go, you know what I Guess we'll take four cookies. Oh And he goes well, it's buy three get three free This is how they get you so and then Steve Rogers. He wants a peanut butter cookie because he's got that so he's I mean He's awesome is what I meant. So he says I'll have a peanut butter cookie And he goes and now for my freebie. I'll have a chocolate chip that way I can mix it up And I go, I'll just have two chocolate chips. I'll make it three chocolate chips and one peanut butter

And then he does this which I hate He goes, that's boring. He's like you got to do something more than that You know what I said? I'm setting boundaries in my life now. So I go like this. No, I don't That's good. Just like that. I just hit him right back. That's good And Steve was like, whoa, who's this guy and then this guy responds. Yeah, I swear to God No way. I swear to God as Steve. He was there Like that. Wow. And I wanted and this similar thing happened in Starbucks and Syracuse I wanted to take his hair and just smash it off the thing like Pesci and be like, you hear a little girl crying?

Frankie, you hear a little girl? Wow. Yeah. You want to just flip the pan of cookies over and but Peter Pan and I go, I go He mocked me. Yes Band-Aim games. He mocked me, but I'm like, but you started the market like I ordered a cookie And then you said you got to do more than that. Yeah, and then I go, no, I don't and then he goes, but I'm like I Should be doing You initiated the cunt off but it shows that you won if he has to subject himself or lower himself to the man Yeah, that's a win. I hate this shit of like you gotta make I'm like chocolate chip is the greatest cookie And I just told you what I wanted to stop trying to get me critique me

Yeah, I'm like, I don't want a fucking pumpernickel pie with sugar on the ass. It doesn't it doesn't interest me. Yeah Chocolate chip. That's it sugar and chocolate put the apron on take orders and shut your mouth you quiff Yeah, he sucked and so we got the chocolate chips and I just sat there fuming. Yeah Well, I mean that guy should be fired for that. He should be fired. I hate that you got a that's boring Hey folks this show is sponsored by better help when life gets you feeling overwhelmed Working with a therapist can make you more prepared to take on everything life throws at you We love therapy. You got to do it. It's a game changer and better help makes it way Easier big fan. You don't have to leave the house. I got to go over to Alan's house and blow them

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Displate.com that's displate.com Tuesdays or click the link in our show notes Get on it Yeah, yeah, well, I had a similar thing. I went out to dinner with my in-laws I got them in town. Oh, sorry work pre-wedding Big dinner the night before with the in-laws we go to this famous New Orleans place and they're all they're all cunty there That's like part of the kits. You know, they're like ball busty waiters and so we're sitting at the bar Place is packed. We got a seat at the bar the guy the lady comes up and goes. What do you have in there dickless?

I'm like, oh, I'm having this she goes. You're not even that funny Oh, look at you your bride your fat as shit like, you know, they're being mean and then they go down to the the mom Who's like a Boston Cooke and she goes a? I don't know what I watched I get this they get that and the waitress goes You got to get the fried chicken. You want the fried chicken. It's fake people sleep outside to get in the fried chicken They will they come here early. We cooked the fried chicken over three years. It's a Famous chicken and had a singing career whatever and she goes I just don't want it and the lady goes, oh, you know, you're trying to help and she goes

I don't want fried food and she was like, I'm just job trying to help you out and she was like give me the Caesar Yeah, I was I was blowing I ate her out It was so cool. She was because the lady was so Pushy that I was like, I would have just said yes do it. I've said it before you can recommend things by being like this I'll tell you what I love this this meal. I love it every time I have it. I'm happy. Yeah, and then they go I'm not into that you go. All right. I hate this like you gotta Fucking idiot and then they get like mad at you. They're like, yes, I'm like I don't like the way that tastes in my mouth. Well, it's an ego thing. You know, they're like, I rate

I recommended it. So you got to get it. You're like, but I don't want it They're like and they're crushed it hurts their feelings. Well, I told you the all-time one Fred Cantor Jason's dad Oh, yeah, there's a dear friend. Oh, geez. Sorry, buddy. Man down same same birthday different year. Uh-huh. He's, you know older or whatever sure but We went out one time and we were in Dublin, Ohio And we went to Reagan. He's got these friends that are that are you know, very successful and they took us out I think Dublin's nice. Ah, and so there's some big golf thing there. Whatever. We went to a nice restaurant The Emerald Isle and it was me and Fred and his two

asshole friends and the guy goes, uh, yeah, I want to get a You gotta you gotta get the fried pickles. Is that what it's called? Yeah fried pickle and I go Oh, no, I don't want him. He goes. They're the best the best you ever had and I go I don't like pickles and I don't like fried Pickles, yeah, he goes but these are the best. You never had these. Yeah, but I'm like, but I don't like Pickles exactly. So why would I like this one? Right? I don't understand. Is it it's just a name and it's actually pizza He's like you got to get it and he kept arguing with me for like this is before they even came Yeah, he's like you if so if I get fried, but you're not gonna have one of these

He's like you'll be insulting me if you don't have one of these And I'm like, well you didn't make it I don't like it. Yeah, I don't want I don't want my mouth Can we do that with gaze? Hey, you're gonna want to blow me sir. I'm not into men It's the best you gotta want to do it like why is it only with food? We do this it doesn't it's going in my mouth I try to do this bed. You're like you're picky eater. I'm like, yes, I am particular about what goes into my mouth It's my mouth. It's a good way to put it. I'm like it's on my tongue Yes, yes, and I'm like, yeah, I don't want it and in fact he keeps pushing and pushing and I go fine I'll eat a fight and we're getting like a standoff. Oh my god. I go. All right. I'll eat a fried pickle

This will be happy. You'll be happy if I eat a fried pickle you fuck. Yeah, then I bite into it It's the worst thing I've ever had in my life There you go, and I and I've had my father's come for you know Easter Sunday sure sure It's a hell of an egg and I go he goes very I think he's dead. He literally is like this What do you think? Is that the best I go I hate it and he goes what? Told you I don't like pickle. I don't like the food bro. What do you want me to do? Oh

This guy's whole happiness is relying on you idiot pickle get a life Go go go find another way to be happy get a life. Yes, but you see what I do is the fuck-up move of going What do you like cuz I'm trying to buy time with the menu of my guy cuz I'm very indecisive and the guy'll go You gotta get the swordfish and I get in my head. I'll go on. I don't want swordfish But now he's pushing it and I asked him so I get it now you got to do it Yeah, now I get the swordfish and I eat it Angrily get the swordfish. It's the best in the city. Yes, I don't have it I got something else here. Let me see here something else little nervous. I keep

Flying to Boston tomorrow. Yeah quick flight, but the in-laws they keep going Hey, the weather's supposed to be real bad. You probably get a train and I'm like, I think we'll be fine And but they're like, yeah, you should get a train now. We're fighting over it. Oh, geez. What do you think? I mean It's an hour flight. I feel like we should be alright. I shouldn't even be an hour flight Well, I got half hour something 48 minutes. What? How bad's the weather? It's gonna be rainy, right? It's rainy, but I looked on there like a lot of wind a lot of wind Oh wind is this power. I've been getting the kind of like hey the power I go down. She mentioned that. Hmm. Yeah

So I'm like I fly every week. It's usually fine, but now I'm now I'm nervous Well, I am charcoal. Fuck you too with the wind. They have plenty of delays too bad wind. Hmm. Yes I guess you can make a reservation and then not use it I don't know. We got the lounge. The wife's already there. No flying together. Yeah And then she's doing the annoying thing, which is a pet peeve where she'll be like saying the weather's gonna be bad I'm like, all right. We'll get tickets then. She's basically saying like you should have you got to figure this out Right, like I'm fine with risk in the flight. You think this is a risk. So you get the tickets I've had this before also similar thing. Yeah, it's looking pretty bad. I don't know what we should do

She's waiting for me to all right. I'll cancel that and I'll get a train, but I'm like you you do it then Yes, pick a glass. Mrs. Costanza. Yes This is a juice glass Yeah, I don't know but maybe this is why I keep going back to it You got to get yourself a nice Honda fit. Yeah, you put it aside. It's there when you need it I don't know. I'll probably get too much pussy if I got a Honda fit I don't know if I can handle that avalanche of clam. Whatever a geo or whatever nat geo neck and coal Yeah, maybe what do you what do you like there the spark Chevy spark? I've driven a Chevy spark

Twink of a tin can that thing you could throw it down a pond and skip it It really is I'm just saying something you can beatle around it if you need to yeah I wouldn't mind beatlin Beatles are good. Yeah, the shitty Beatles Not just a clever name This is a strange episode. It's all straight. It's after school. You nailed it. Yeah, it's weird Remember seeing your teacher at the mall? That was a cookie when he was always dating like a nine-year-old you're like what's going on here Yeah, how many of your teachers?

Did you want to that's not like an old tobacco spit How many of you did you want to fuck do you think? Oh? All the guys I mean There wasn't one teacher because you found something good about each one even one was 90 She had a gray hair and crazy jowls, but she had a huge fat swing and tits Right. I had my favorite teacher's name. Mr. Joy. Isn't that funny? Joy Asian was nice. No, that's joy Joy with a J. Oh that fart smells like mine. You caught it. I think you inhaled some my subway fart

Yeah, that was a great Louis joke. It's like I think my he's changing his kids diaper. He's like, I think she's been eating diarrhea He's like got the shits of a 50 year old homeless alcohol That was great subway farts. That's a good name for a band subway farts. Hello. Hello. We are the subway farts I love the three-fold Bing bong stand clear the closing doors Yeah, so part on a plane though is a little better because it's it's it's a Flowing air and it goes into the seat sometimes. Yes seat absorbs the subway. There's nothing absorbing It's just plastic chairs and metal bars. That was bad. Yeah, no acoustics in there

I feel bad. I fucked up with the fart, but Let me ask you ever have this this is an odd one heading to Omaha similar to your situation bad rain I flew out Thursday night to do Todd and Tyler Friday shout out to Todd and Tyler. Those guys are great I don't know him. You probably did the show. Maybe I have. Yeah, they're great I know Bob Tom and Bob Bob and Tom. Yeah, they stink Tom and Jerry. Oh geez What I don't know they might hear this. They're huge No, they were huge in 25 years Tell us they're huge first of all one of them retired. They're very nice guys

But one of them retired that's really when you do the show they sit you down Like you gotta this is you it was like a half an hour of like briefing Yeah, and I had to write us a list of setups. Yes, which is so Emasculating you're like I have a dog Kweef Dick cheese Holocaust, right? And they go so how about the Holocaust you go? I know right? It's so forced well Todd and Tyler They don't do that. You just hang out

On the show his names Something Allen Paul Allen Dick Allen or Rick Allen. I see some kind of an Iverson Paul Allen Paul Brian Paul Bunyan Babe the Blue Hawks. I don't know. He's a guy, but he's a fan art Mulkup. I feel bad. Sorry. All right, Paul Great Paul Bear His name's something he's a fan and I appreciated him, but his father's actually gay I bet a few Tuesdays were like every time you say my father's gay. I'm I say my father's gay. That's fun So that's fun. So that'll narrow it down. Somebody will figure it out gave father Paul funny guy might not be Paul I blew it

Patrick Jake Devon penny Penny Benjamin Penny for your thoughts something any hardaway something. All right, I can't remember either way I'm flying out Thursday night to do Todd and Tyler great guys great show You got that right and I like the Thursday night fly out because you get nothing so if it's a delay You don't give a shit. You're just there so you can be there in the morning here here We get there the flight is delayed 20 minutes on the ground because they're cleaning it whatever it landed late the wind the rain Whatever we sit there now. I'm I'm in first class

So I'm happy about that and I got nowhere to be really and I'm just in a zen place So I go whatever delay chmalet Timothy Chalamet. Yes. Isn't chmalet. Isn't that the flight that disappeared? Malaysia Malaysia Malaysia So I'm sitting there and then they come on they go. All right folks. We got the reason for the delay. Have you ever heard this? They go We're overweight. I have heard because of the storm. We have to be able to fly Just the alternate airport, which is whatever distance. So we had to have this much amount of fuel

We're overweight. That's a tough spot for the one fatty on the plane where everybody goes Yes, hey Roger. Yeah, you're kind of like are they gonna kick people off this plane? I'm in first class and I'm in showbiz. So it's not gonna be me. I can tell you that and you're a lanky cunt Yes, you got no meat on you. I dropped four pounds. You got that right. I got no fat on me any more either But the suit are less light and I slept of it. You did No, I'm joking But anyways, so I'm sitting there and they go to the weight thing and so what we had to do was I never heard of this We had to go idle over at the

Open the runway to go find a parking spot idle and to just sit and let the thing Billy idle idle for a while Why are you wasting gas? That's the point. We have to waste the gas Oh, because it's heavy which I wanted to sign want to go down there and suck it out Yeah, it one cup at a time the way I like to do put that in the centra and I don't think you can use jet fuel in a centra. I bet it would make your car go fast By the way, you follow Todd glass on Instagram. Oh funny guy. He is amazing those videos He's doing Todd glass show Instagram best thing going hilarious guy gay Yes, he tell he does the one way it's like it looks like a hidden camera and he's just telling stories to his friends

He's a piece of shit and he told me he goes so this guy he comes to the gas station, you know And he says give me the cheapest thing you have so I fill him up with diesel and send him on his way He comes back five days later. He goes. Hey my car fucking Died and he goes. Yeah, that's what happens when you put diesel into a Corolla. You dumb fuck He goes you're trying to help people You got to watch it. He's unbelievable. Yeah, this is the funniest guy in the planet, but any tits I don't know why I'm telling this. I just had one stupid joke Well, it's the idle we idle and I thought what we just you know

We crank the heat up turn the windshield wipers on do some donuts really trying to burn that fuel Yes, I like it. I wrote this down. It's embarrassing when you write something down Then you're like, what am I doing? I go they should try intermittent flying Well, we had a good run lose the way. Well, I texted the Rogers and he was like gold Explanation points bold and then you go. Ah, you can have it. He's a sweet kid. Yeah, he is, you know They work for tips intermittent flying. Yeah lose the way you see now. Did you have to connect? It's not bad in Omaha Or to get to Omaha. Are you connecting? No, this is direct? Whoa?

That's rare. Well, that's what's that. They didn't have oh, so that's gets in my real story. All right There comes my real story. We were just burning fuel there. Yeah, I was intermittent flying. I think it's actually It's pretty good. You're burning the daylight oil All right This might go down as one of our worst folks. Oh, yeah, but See you all in hell. So I'm flying back Sunday. Now, you know me. I'm a lover of sports I like to really sink my teeth in the sports. Oh, yeah So the World Cup's been going on

It's a month-long tournament and these tournaments what happens is you dedicate so much time You got there and at the beginning it's like a pyramid at the beginning you have group play So you got 30 fucking two teams in there Oh, yeah, and you got all these games all morning and then it everyone gets eliminated So it goes to a narrow point and you're down to two Argentina and France and François. Yes. So now it's down to the final and I look at the calendar. I'm flying During the final and I've watched

78 hours So it's like watching a movie for two and a half hours And then you got to leave with ten minutes left with the big climax exactly So there used to be early morning flights, but I think since COVID they're out. I have like three weekends in a row Cleveland Omaha and Madison were like my flights at noon. So I'm getting at home at 4 p.m. Sure I like the 6 a.m. Farmer flight get me out of here. Yeah, I want to have some daylight left in the big Apple Exactly, you understand everything. Godfather. So I say I'm fucked and the game is at 10 a.m. Ah So my flight is at 12. Oh, you're gonna miss the meat of it. Hmm, but then I realize I'm on central time

Oh 9 a.m. So my pick up is 10 a.m. So I wake up early. I get breakfast. I go up and I'm like, okay I can watch the entirety of the first half. This is where acceptance comes in because I'm just furious that I'm gonna miss the second half possibly at the airport. So 10 a.m. Pick up for my car 9 a.m. The match starts. So I watched the entire first half during half time I go down I get picked up as he picks me up. It's starting again. I can see it like the hotel. Oh, yeah So now I'm in the car. I start streaming it

So I'm watching it streaming in the in the cab Fox lets you stream it for free Which was great and the Fox also these flights have direct TV or whatever, but it never works But this one does it because it's a CRJ 900 no TV. Not the RJ regional Reggie Jackson. So I get out there and I get to the airport, right? Richard Jenkins that guy's good Richard Jenny. Yeah, he died Retarded Jew Brooklyn enough about Sam Just do I think he's Italian who Jenny?

No, I said enough. Oh, I see retarded you. Yeah, but he's very smart. Yes. Yes, but now he's not He's dead. Yeah, it took his own life folks. Yeah, great comic. Check him out That was tough. One of the best ever platypus man. Maybe the best special ever. It's unbelievable pretty wild How great it is funny still holds up any farts. So Take the ride. I'm watching on the app get through security and now I'm watching on the app. I have to put it down to get through security and all that stuff And then I'm getting texts. That's like, oh my god. Frash just tied it. They just So I'm like fucking security everything's slow out in the middle of the nowhere

So I get through finally I'm through security. There's like eight minutes left in regulation I look over there's like one little TV that that airport's tiny but everyone's surrounded around which is fun Yes, yes, so you jump in but I'm about to board at like 11 or whatever the hell time it is 12 Whatever it doesn't matter what time is boarding. I'm boarding and I'm watching the match now it ends tied match What's going to extra time? Oh But now they start boarding so I'm like, all right, let me go board. Hopefully the Wi-Fi is working. Yes. Yes start streaming It goes extra time. It's like 30 minutes of extra time. I'm like fuck It's gonna end while we're taking off and wait for the Wi-Fi and when the Wi-Fi is never good enough to stream never

We got on the plane a couple other people are watching it on their phones Then is that a community if you'll hey look at we're all watching this. It's very fun. It's fun. It's exciting There's there was a rare these days to get that's everything so splintered So it's fun when everybody's doing the same shit for once absolutely But one thing that happened that sucked is so I'm still I'm just watching it I don't realize the guy in front of me when you're streaming. There's all kinds of delays. Everyone's a different time So the guy in front of me. I just hear oh Shit so then I have to blast mine

Full volume and I'm holding my ears like this so I can't hear them react. Oh cuz you're below your behind Yes, I'm watching it like this down here. Yes, so I don't get any any spoilers Then I'm like fuck. We're gonna back up any minutes I can't enjoy and then they come on go. Hey folks We got a little delay here because of blah blah blah Just delay ever finally happy about a delay a great delay and then the delay lasts all through extra time Which is like 30 minutes. It's a long delay people are upset, but I'm thrilled Yes, then it goes to a shootout, which is like another 10 minutes. They go, okay, we got to go ahead

We're gonna push back in a second and so it's like a MacGyver fucking crazy Action film yes, yes, because now the wheels are moving and I could feel it's almost like Argo or the other one dog Afternoon, whatever the fuck and it got we're just slowly pushing back and the shootout is happening I'm like, please just and for someone to win so I can see the end literally as it ends Argentina clenches everyone goes crazy and they go we got to go ahead for takeoff celebration Messi gets the trophy and off we go most perfect delay great Unbelievable Don't you love when it works out? It's rare and you got to cherish it what it does because you don't get those a lot

And it was now you're like, ah every delay you ever have you're like pissed. Yeah, of course this one was perfection Whoo, yeah, cuz I've been on two flights where they're watching the World Cup and the whole thing goes The shit goes down and I hear the whole plane go It's brutal you know they started to that was a good fix they have the live TV it used to pause When they were doing the announcements now, it just mutes so it keeps going You can at least still see sports while they're making the announcement. That's a nice adjustment. Not bad Somebody must have complained. I bet you know, I get a review every every every flight They're like Delta tell us how you felt and every time I wrote announcements are too long. I ride it every time

Oh, they're brutal and they stretch them Yeah, you're tampering no figling no wiggling no tiggling no digling and you're like just say don't fuck with that smoke detector Right, you got a 18 adjectives in there like your Dennis Miller. Yes, you know, it's ridiculous We're gonna right wing. Hey, what else you got? All right. Well, oh god my stomach Hey folks Tuesday for stories is brought to you by athletic greens our newest partner AGI by athletic greens was the morning booster I needed just scoop shake and have a long side your morning coffee or OJ not Simpson It's like taking your shelf of multivitamins in one drink. Hey, I love this stuff

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Write this down fatty. All right. They said keep dating. Oh, yeah, you know, I've heard the keep go on dates Have dinner eat them out Dry anal whatever and so I take out the lady to a nice Cocktail bar boy, you can't get out of there without spending nine thousand dollars by the way These are these are hard times. Well, it just keeps going up. You go to the cocktail menu $19 for a Scotch and soda that seems fair, but I'm gay So we go in there and I the bartender's a twos gay whoa, so he goes hey Hey

What's shaking fatty? How you doing May? She's like well, this is weird and I go. Yeah. Yeah, and he goes, uh, I'm gonna make you I got you tonight. We're gonna do a full thing full Variety show okay full house. Yes, so I go. All right. Here we go first one Here's your gold rush. That's some kind of weird bourbon drink great. All right. Look. I love it. They go down easy Hmm Here's a vodka martini. I go. Oh, I love it extra dirty. I know you like it extra dirty. All right Here's your tequila sunrise, so now I've had three cocktails of all different liquors sure So I go I'm three cocktails in I've been here four minutes. Let me slow it down

Give me a beer. Boom hit me with a beer put that down Now I've had 17 drinks and they're all different kinds of liquor I'm wrecked. Yeah, that doesn't sound good. And then I have a couple more beers I'm trying to stay off and then you can't mix it's it's the opposite of segregation Liquor before beer you're in the clear beer before liquor never been sicker. Yeah Yeah, but if you drink enough of anything, you're gonna get sick. That's what he said I was like, I don't know about all this mixing. He goes. Ah, that's a myth. Just drink water. I'm like, I'm hurting Yeah, well, also, it's just alcohol. Yeah, drink enough alcohol. You'll get fucked up

Yeah, and I'm down to get fucked up. But I feel like if I stick with tequila, I'll be okay in the morning But this was the the mixing and matching Not good. And uh, I I'm not gonna lie to you. I went to bed at about five ish Last night. Yeah. Oh, woke up at noon or woke up at 12 30 and I had 28 texts 14 of them for you Like I'll bring the pod equipment. I was like, ah I forgot about all that. Well, I knew when Sam was like, I'll get there early to get a table Yeah, you know me. I'm like, you don't know what early is, sunny boy. I got there at 11 a.m Like I was getting pearl jam tickets. You got it's ticket master out there and uh, so

I knew we weren't hearing from you and then I had the other venue and I was like podcast equipment Well, I got the worst one. I'm like, hey, we got to bring podcast equipment. You wrote back. Why? Well, we're here. We're missing a dinner right now or something probably I think I made reservations with clinton or something But uh, yeah, but we it all worked out and we we're here. Yeah, we made it work But uh, it sounds do you have fun at least some drunk sex? That's the only thing I miss is being drunk and really letting them have it I try and she did the uh, huh I'm tired and I was like So then I had to do the quiet jerk next to her which is pretty that's a great symbol for marriage just the

You know try not to shake the bed too much and she's snoring. Yeah, at least I just in her eye Yeah, I missed that uninhibited loose sex Yeah, you know, it was loose you say stuff and you can hope they forget it Yes, like I'm saying stuff that I'm like this isn't getting forgotten. We're like we're we're sober as a priest on sunday or whatever. Well, you know me I I say Shit out of school or whatever you want to call it But uh, my my ex we used to have some real barn burners just some wild fucking with animals and props And two days later we were eating dinner. I was like how about when you said this about my sack and she was like, don't do that

Right. What are you doing? I that was a moment in time. I was now. I feel less allowed to be free Yes, you bring it up and I go Note it. I won't do it again. Well, that's what we always say. We don't talk about that There's certain things you don't talk about because you in the throws It's embarrassing later. Well when you said the n-word and all that and she's like We're a church. Well, that's why it's like it's like being drunk sex. You're like, we're in this protective place We can say things I can be like I want to come on your father or whatever Yeah, safe space. Yes. Cosby's innocent stuff like that. That really gets you off. Yeah, it's all the truth

So, uh, I know a lady heard her husband do the uh, the bondage I'm talking leash Whoa pegging Nice Mask with the gag the whole thing, you know all the stuff you want. Yeah, and I don't like the gag my mouth's too small It would be a marble Yeah, that's true. Okay. You're like, uh, what do you call that thing the the sour? Jawbreaker. Ah, yes, look at a little jawbreaker with some dental flaws. I don't have one of those either

So She does all that. I'm like, is that hot? She's like, it's not really that it's hot It's the fact that we're see so comfortable to look how vulnerable he's being to tell me that and that's hot Right living always or they're more complex. They go another another step than men, right? Yeah, but different strokes are different folks because I tell my wife. Hey, I want you to peg me and she says I want the divorce. Yeah, but I have to say just kidding Right, you know, save. Yeah. I'm like, that's a pit, honey. What are you crazy? You're putting the peg away Yeah, I put it back in the trunk back in my ass. Uh, uh, yeah, you could just go butt plug while you're banging her

She would never know you get her from behind and you got a nice little marble back there Well, it's the old shaling my favorite joke of all time every time we fuck my wife says not in the ass And I say it's my thumb in my ass, honey Oh, that's a classic my favorite bit of all time. Chandling funny guy Chandling thumbing his own ass during sex. That is the height of comedy to me quite a visual too And she's upset yet that ass is a gateway, man. I know a guy 28 years ago. He said I gotta tell I'm liking a finger in the pooper and that's in the 90s when that was weird So we all thought oh, he's got AIDS. I love a classic joke. I love these jokes

Do you see stanhope post that old video from the 90s and he says, oh man bummed out I blew a speaker in my car. Oh, that's a great one. I blew a speaker in my car because he was a motivational speaker. Yeah I mean, that's just fun. That's just right there too for everybody. Those collars are funny But yeah, so he liked the pinky and the pooper in the 90s and then I checked back 30 years later He's like, oh, I got a fucking you can put a fire hydrant up there. Well, that's the problem with sex You have to keep taking it up like anything. It's that uh, that adaptation hedonistic adaptation

Right for a while. You're like, oh, tell me about a guy used to fuck and then next thing you know, you're like Bringing a basketball team to fuck you right those fucking raptors But uh, it's true. I mean, it's same with porn. You used to be able to see a lady in a bra and panties and you were like, Ah, I just did the my own mouth and then now I'm like, I need a need a rottweiler Balloon animal. Well, that's what I've talked about before. I think that's what happens with uh, Jeffrey Epstein island Is you got bill clinton's been raping every tom dick and harry since 1975 And then all of a sudden, uh, Epstein goes, hey, uh, hey, bubba, you want to fuck a child and he goes, whoa, okay

Yeah, exactly Which by the funny is that documentary Well, they're like bill clinton was never on that island and then it cuts to a woman be like no, he was there No, it wasn't it wasn't a woman. It was the it was the cleaning guy or whatever. He was the janitor He was like no bill clinton was there. I know what bill clinton looks like. I saw and we have photos Yeah, so the truth is out there when the truth is found to be my

Uh, we got we got to wrap it up here. Oh really? But I got one other thing Please put it right in my ass. Well, I told you I was at the stand. You were there and uh, we're both been at the stand Which has been a fun week. Yeah Getting a lot of work done fun crowds running around having a nice time But uh, I'm at the stand the other night upstairs room and I come out and you know, you know, we're starting to uh, the show's growing Moving some tickets. It's very exciting time to be alive. You got that right? I come out and they go Here's joe list and this woman in the in the side of the corner. She stands up. She's like, yeah Yes

Wow, and I go wow. All right. Nice to see you and a guy in the back also was like, yeah Too's good. All right. They're they're all over the place Doing my act. I'm a bombing that room is tough. I suck at comedy bad room And then in the middle of my act as lady, I do a joke. It doesn't hit and I go, well that fucking ate it I'll work on it and the lady goes We still love you on green on 9 1 1 the standing old lady and I go

I have the moment of like, where do I go with this? And I just went I decided to just go Thank you very much. I appreciate it. And then I go to do my next joke and the Tuesday go guy goes Were you on that show? And I go not for a second that gets a big hit and she's like, what? And she looks like she wants to argue. She's like No, and I'm like, I would know if I was on Reno 9 1 1 and then a beat haven't she goes Crank yankers. I'm an idiot. Crank yankers. I go now strike two. I've never been on crank yankers And she's like What? Yeah, and she's like, what are you on? I was like stage

Hey I go I've been on the tonight's show Netflix I had a film I starred in And uh, you know a couple sketches ultimate warrior Yes, yes paper money Yeah bills Uh, I think she must think you're thomas lennon. Who's thomas lennon? He's the funny guy on reno. He had the short shorts

Oh, okay, but you don't look like him, but he's the only guy that you could be. Well, I think she was a little Oh, maybe she thinks I'm done again. Yeah, he's on there. I guess he was the retard Yeah, all right, maybe she thinks I'm done again. I don't know. Yeah, yeah But uh, anyways, it was fun. It was one of those you wish had the camera rolling though because it's a perfect video Yeah, yeah, that's wild. I love the people who don't believe you. You know, it's like kramer He's like it's your birthday. Yeah, that's tomorrow. I think I would know your birthday It's the same thing. She looks like a lily. It's benes. You jackass But yeah, that's kooky and uh, what do you do with that? Yeah, what do you do? You just go? Hey, thanks a lot

I I wasn't even gonna say anything. I was just gonna say hey, thanks. Thank you I'm having a string of uh, super fan guys who shout out shit and then talk during my set. I want to kill Yeah, I think you get to that Place where you're big so they're excited. They know they can talk to you It's like going to a band and in between songs. They're just shouting out songs. Yes, and you're like no, no I wrote a set list right but they go this is my chance to yell at neil young. He'll hear me You're neil young. I know but it they you want to go. I know you're a Fan, but you're ruining this right. This is you're doing the having a I'm angry at you now

Yes, you're a shitty fan. Yes, and you think you're a good fan You think you're proving that you're a big fan by yelling stuff and they have to let you know I know you I'm here. I'm here for you and you're like you're ruining this right? Yeah That's why I like an initial like two's guy. It's all pipes That's what you're done and then the show and then afterwards we can all fuck. That's your guy That's what you want the quick in and out. It's all pipes big fan queef it up Hit the bricks. There's a springsteen boot. I mean, I'm a big springsteen nothing there's a show from in 96 He played the like the church in his hometown

And he wrote a song about the town But it's like it's uh, he's fucking it up because it's like a song he just wrote for that occasion And he stopped he's like, hold on. I gotta get this right I fucked up and he's like reading the notes trying to get the words right and people are like The river darkness of the edge of town and it makes me furious because I'm like no, he's playing this song Yes, and it's once in a lifetime. This isn't even he made it for this night. Yes He's not trying to think of a new song. All right. It's this this is the show. Yes rat in a dog suit Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, I've had that too where you know, you go

Shout out, you know, I do a q&a at the end of my show shout out a news story one guy's like Kanye So then I go into a Kanye thinking another guy's going a brandy grinder. I'm like, let me finish this one you psycho We're doing this We're doing this now then I'll stop and then we'll do another one and that's when you chime but he just It's the same with the uh, the guy when you're going me and you were talking and then the guy standing next to us going Uh, can I just say and you're like they We're talking right. It's uh

I'm a cunt. Yeah. All right. Well life is funny. Yeah, we're happy to have you I'm gay, but uh, well, this is a wacky one. We crammed it in Sorry Cram it in my ass. My doctor says cram it all but Give that a goog. Yeah, but yeah. Yeah. I'm on fumes. I'm gonna go home and just nap Yeah, same here. Well, I don't know what I'm saying that I'm not napping No, I'm gonna go ahead and hit the steam room. Oh, I can steam some of this

vodka out of me equinox By the way, I'm wonderful helpful Tuesday road. He goes you gotta take the classes at equinox. He's like they're there You're paying for it classes Oh Wow That was something else now. I really gotta go home. Yeah. That was oh boy. That was a cutie tooty. Yikes fruity Um, all right, we got to wrap it up. I got I don't know when this is coming out I got a bunch of dates though Denver in February Denver

I think it's February 8th through the 10th comedy works get those tickets for god's sake Gotta fill that one up Denver comedy works key west first weekend in February Um Austin is coming up. It might have passed already the big one Wilbur theater in Boston April 15th for the love of peat by those fucking tickets March 2nd Oh, big announcement. That's important March. Uh, my march Columbus date. They moved it to june. They moved it some of those these clubs they message Saying hey, we had to move this and people are like, what is this you move? I'm like, they moved it They moved it. They got a big ticket seller coming up. So I don't know that it's but um Anyways that Columbus has now moved to june march 2nd park west in Chicago. That's the theater. So fill it up

Please boston april 15th Fill that up and then youtube go subscribe doing a bunch of stuff shooting some fun sketches coming out or already out And a bunch of stand-up clips on there. So get on that youtube. Hell. Yeah, boy some great dates coming up I'm very excited Denver, austin cleveland the whole thing. Yeah, boston All right. I'm all over the road as well mark domain comedy dot com. We got uh, spokane nashville miami Some other rough ones hawaii It'll be interesting going on the honeymoon. So I'll see you after that. Maybe I'll be a different guy

I know I might I might have a realization out there at mosey and beak when I see a koala No, I doubt it. All right. So, uh, yeah, we'll come back and uh, we'll do it up We love you. Happy new year. Praise all lock. Weave it up Get a mug get a shirt get on the patreon if you're not if you're not you missed out on the cutoff with january 1st January 6th. We'll see you all in hell