Tuesdays with Stories! - #488 Cape Whistle - The Honeymoon Part 2

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

We're back on Mark's African honeymoon! He starts out with a sexy tidbit  about Neil deGrasse Tyson that may be fact or fiction! On the trip Mark ends up at a dinner with a kooky inventor, he goes on  an incredible safari with a tracker and sees lions, leopards, and a  six-four Impala! After a tip-top trip, Mark heads home and faces his  patented nightmare trip home. Holy hell, this is why you're here folks!  Our Stuff:   - patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Visit http://athleticgreens.com/TUESDAYS for a Free 1-year supply of Vitamin D - Try Blue Chew for free at http://bluechew.com/TUESDAYS - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self.

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing perfect fart that's a fun opener we got that yeah that was like a ghost that's pretty good oh yeah ghost of food I guess that's a Chipotle ghost I just went to Chipotle I'm realizing now I think I'm realizing

the error of my ways with the high blood pressure the high HPP what do you mean that's a boat I think the Chipotle is a big sodium bomb because I saw a big fat Mexican fella just with a salt shaker just it was a salt and battery I mean he was doing this and all the chicken I was like aha maybe it's too much sodium in the salt and the hot sauce has salt yeah and come has salt so it's a lot of it's salt cherry yeah yeah well that's the thing is that if you don't I was eating Chipotle twice a day for about six years and it felt great I was living large high on the hog and then if you go six months without it and then you have

Chipotle you're like whoa it's like you have a miscarriage well that's I used to do a joke about this about people say if you stop eating McDonald's for a while then you try it again your body will reject it yes and I'm like incorrect my body was like we're back baby what was that green bullshit and you're putting on you know it's a decent bit that's a good bit that's a good bit I like it but you'll bring it back I agree with the first guy I had Chipotle I mean I had McDonald's like once after a blue moon and baby I had COVID again yeah well it happens I guess well that whatever you had that time we recorded with you the

eggs are up baby the prices of skyrocket I know it's cuz the podcast houses in New Jersey and eggs you got that right we're moving the economy here with our fucking 8,000 fans yes just don't get a tour guide in Cape Town push that one Cape Town and she hurt she found out I heard I'm a Cape Apologist because I feel horrible after that Cape whistle yeah that's a story Cape Cape God yeah Concord capes not all heroes wear Cape Towns nah anyways we're back and we're trying to catch up your fucking cunts he went to Africa it was Christmas time we're doing the best we can over here mustard

yeah yeah we are back and I had I was on fumes baby I landed that day from five five flight exchange or whatever you want to call that connections and it was during the FAA AIDS scandal remember that whole thing I landed during the scandal what's the scandal well it was like FAA cancels all flights and I'm like whoa baby I'm lucky I made it oh I remember that was that day yes yes that day and then I was sunburned I was gay I was all over the place did the rash go away cuz you had a funky rash you can see a little remnant oh Jesus malaria it's like connect the dots are you sure that's son oh yeah I get it every time I

had after the batch no I don't remember seeing that I had it on my dick I think was from sphincters what was that club serpents oh yeah mermaids serpents well I'm near sighted so I probably couldn't see it on your dick that's true yeah sighted whichever makes sense for the joke but yeah we're back I went to I'm still wonky I went to bed at 8 p.m. last night wow 8p PT yes I got the DT's cuz I went to bed and I missed my spots I woke up to hey you close hey where are you hey we threw another guy on hey Gaffigan's here don't worry about it what happened you good you dead you know jeez these poor people that book yeah I know it's a

nightmare sorry in advance 8 p.m. so what do y'all bed at 8 I woke up at 6 I feel like I'm finally back yeah well they say it takes a day for each hour of time zone exactly which is funny because when you go all the way to South Africa it takes you the seven days to catch up right when you catch up back to America seven more days yes 14 days to you and me and then I went right to Nashville which is also a time change and I did 10 shows and then you drink and then you go go hard and you bomb I knew nine shows 10 10 Jerry I knew I had to go right back you got to get right in that cold plunge yeah I'm cold plunge

and every day over at Equinox I don't think I do it right I'm like this whatever you got to do to get through it you're doing it that's how I fuck I don't think so because they're all they're all sitting in there Zen queers those they're all dead inside those people I know I'm scooching and screaming and I'm in there for two seconds yeah jump right out and dive in the hot tub at first I'm impressed because I can't do it you know if you put a can in cold ice water and then put it into hot water it'll crinkle which is fast about the human body because we can take it yeah we don't crinkle no crinkle well

eventually you crank Chris crinkle crinkle a bit me do it eventually you crinkle uh-huh but not for a while not you don't crunkle wait you create you don't crumple crumple crunkles by my drunk uncle Joseph Stumple that was a hockey player yeah okay pretty cool all right not really even a famous one so one's gonna get that one this is a NHL guy out there with a wheelchair who got it I'm sure someone will message me it's hot it's fucking here always hot in here yeah and I ran what what's the name of that black NHL this is a couple now huh Antson Carter Antson he was like back in my day but what was Suba Agawam

no that's a cubanator pksuban is probably because he does guy who's at the festival and stuff oh really yeah wait where is one he can't be American nothing he's Canadian I think they're all Canadian Wayne Simmons is another one and then there's a brother yeah there's a few yeah it's several there's a Van der Kain uh-huh Van der Holyfield good black hockey name black ice black ice you know because the black ice is out there and it's dangerous oh black guy on the ice oh that's you call him yeah that's a name ice a nickname the nickname you got to put the nick in there because that's just a name that's a

terrible name but yeah yeah I'm saying if you're a hockey a black hockey player black ice right but you weren't saying nickname that's why I was confused like who would name their kid black ice Jones no you know maybe a jazz player oh you know what's his face Neil deGrasse Tyson yes I did Conan he was on he didn't laugh yeah I didn't smile once well he's a tough nut to crack but he's black don't crack but he's an astrophysicist and he used to be a stripper what yes come back go give it a go but his stripper his name was dark matter because he was black I don't know it's pretty good come on this is a tweet of yours but

I swear to God I swear to God I can't come up with that shit dark matter the stripper I don't know about this all right give it a good they will Google it I think this is a myth it says he considered becoming a stripper his name would have been like Buck naked there you go the porn star do you ever get confused is it butt naked or buck naked or what's going on there that's one of those things like I'm gonna nip it in the butt oh no it's bud it is bud but it goes to but people people tend to sway like there's a street downtown that's called oral or Oren and they just call it Orange Street it just turns over time

right interesting you know people get a hold of something and they just they they'd make it their own yeah there's other examples of that that I can't think of man fluid became come yeah people say ass crack of dawn which is annoying to me it used to be just crack but that's a joke right yeah but naked is came from buck but is it buck or is it but it's buck it started out as buck what is buck I think naked is a male deer that's not that's my guess off the top of my head interesting okay I got the quote from Neil deGrasse Tyson aha he said you're broken graduate school and I was flexible from having danced and

I was cut from having wrestled he wrestled yep there were some fellow male dancers who told me about this club these lady clubs and they had him go he said I went to observe it and see if it was something I could do and they came out with jock straps haven't been soaked in lighter fluid hmm ignited coming out to dance to Jerry Lee Lewis great balls of fire and I said nope not for me no dark matter mention huh I never saw the dark man all right well I swear I heard him say I can't come up with that yeah well I didn't the lighting the balls on fire I'd be out fire yeah that's a good pun that's not bad but yeah I mean over

where strippers in can we just strip what it was with the lighting I can't imagine seeing a cock and being excited I know I'm a straight man but women are either that's what I mean I don't think they are I don't think they're I think they're into abs and pecs yeah bummer but I feel similarly with a pussy really like a pussy is sexy because you're not supposed to see it it's hidden and you know to see a pussy is like whoa I didn't ma I didn't expect to see that but a pussy on its own you wouldn't be attracted to in fact a dick I think is kind of a better pussy alarm it's a dick is kind of a better looking

aesthetically assuming it's been a snip not that terrible that's a dick is like a top like they're not they're not building buildings that look like vaginas there's one downtown that oculus it looks like a big labia all right I guess they are but most buildings look like a dick the CN tower the other tower the world trade even got a little dick yeah it's like a pussy there's not a lot of like flappy but that would be a tough building you'd be like whoa we'd be walking over here now and there's a big tunnel down the middle it's pink and brown yeah dark hallway yeah yeah it's a little moist in there it's damp but I

know what you mean but a dick is like round and strong and sexy yeah purple and there's veins and a pussy is just it looks like roast beef it's floppy and flappy well the thing with a puss is I guess when I see it I just think of going in it that's what I mean feel but like a tit is aesthetically played is a great rounded off it's smooth although I hate a full I like a tip that starts and comes straight out there flip we don't like that undercarriage you don't want to hang I don't want to hang you don't want to put up to number two pencil under there exactly I don't mind to hang I like to I like to be underneath

with the puss on the face like bane yes you look up and it's just there's no there's no curl it just goes body the tit I got you like a nice perk I like a perk but I like a teardrop as well a sag a little sag I mean you know what you don't want to you know a mozzarella ball but you want a little sag sag after there you go yeah exact sag Harbor but like well I've talked about this before I know it's a stripper comes out I like the calves and the quads and the belly button more than the put like some people some guys are like the strip club it they leave their bottoms on fuck that place right and I'm like well the

pussies just a floppy meat mess I don't know but there's a tight some tight clams out there I don't mind I like a vagina I'm gonna disagree I'm not saying I mind a vagina I'm not like I like seeing it but that's is that a deal breaker if you're going to strip no no they have their bottoms on cuz the panty it gives a little lift for the imagination sure like if I'm ranking body parts I most like seeing yes I don't even know if pussies in the top 10 whoa if I'm ranking body parts I want my tongue on it's in the top six sure you know I hope so yeah but like I like a woman's back a shoulder look I want

this that clavicle area I like a big dip that you could put some guacamole in that come the triangle yes yes not a bad a Super Bowl appetizer that's what we should get a bunch of bitches over they lay on their backs and we just dip in their their holes oh real men's party oh USA I love a pool of queso right in a butthole but I yeah I put it when I'm getting a laptop or at the table and they're dancing I'm not staring at the pussy I'm looking at the hamstring the calf the nipple this is where we disagree I'm looking right that birth canal I guess but you don't get to see it every day so it's a treat that's the

only reason it's exciting that's what I enjoy there's goodness bad I think it's the same with dicks there's some dicks we're like that is a beauty of a cock yes and then there's some clam where you're like whoa that's a good-looking snatch sure sure sure sure I just you know I prefer the legs and the ass cheeks but we'll come into the comments there and yeah come into everything and let us know why you think I'm gay and piece of shit my teeth are bad and we're behind schedule yeah sorry jeez we're trying to put them out consistently folks we're on the road I'm in China or Africa he's in Fire Island and if you do

a zoom they're like these cock faggot little piece of shit con horse and the problem is the pods are so expensive every week you know it's funny you got to put a credit card in yeah but I'll tell you this when we're talking where we're talking box here we're talking squish, clam, squish, sneeze, coos, gash, honeypot I like when a lady when when a lady in a porn is bent over and you see the big old rumpo and then the little vagina moose knuckle under under the ass oh like upside down yeah like she's presenting forget about it I'm sold signed delivered yes that's nice if you wonder he's never seen one I know that's

something wow he could smell him a mile away but he's never seen one he's felt a few I'm sure that's got to be in the in the 20s at least that's wild how about never seeing a puss yeah wow man could you imagine feeling around and you're like whoa just that first time yeah really cuz even for us the first time of feeling one was mind-blowing so imagine not seeing it and just coming across it well that's how I was I mean the first time you're making out I don't you don't just go straight down there right you put the hand down the pants and then you're like let me get down there and see this alien oh yeah it is a jellyfish

I'll tell you that it's quite a what do you call that a calamari that's it's like a John Carpenter film down there it's scary Kurt Russell's in there with an eyepatch and you don't want to have a Krueger finger either because that'll cut some stuff up but absolutely you don't want to go full clit circumcision or what do they call that neutered spade I just found there's a difference one's male one's yeah I didn't know that till like a week ago either I'm on a show or something like that female I think it's female circumcision it's not really a late it's not really a foreskin so it's a weird way to put it no I don't know

what it is there's a term for it for what clitoral mutilation whoa I think that's what it's called okay hmm I'm gonna shit if I fart yeah all right well there's cute I think I probably picked it up all right sound like the font the watch all right let's get into part do of the honeymoon Africa back to Africa folks Africans isn't that weird language a little lazy it sounds strange yeah we speak americans yeah I order one of those at Starbucks hello all right so we go to a winery I should have listened back to see where I ended off because I don't want to do any repeats Pete Davidson but I finish with

Sandy I think that's where we left it I fired her I said we're not coming back tomorrow kiss my ass the old bag we'll see in hell hopefully she never hears this she's not gonna hear all right no the podcast can't they don't make it that far that's true they die out in the ocean like a slave or a fisherman that no good I like just a reference I'm a stud you know I'm sure some films I'm sure the white people died too yeah yeah I don't think that was bad no no it's a fact yeah it was horrible it was horrible living conditions it was wrong and we we tried to correct and now we did stop slavery yeah we did uh-huh

Lincoln Lincoln I think those Kennedy was driving that when he got popped oh yeah I love all those was in a Kennedy and Kennedy was in a Lincoln and he ran to the Ford theater drove a Ford or whatever it was there you go yeah that was fun book depository and then the other one worked in a book oh yeah like that okay John Wilkes Booth JFK sat in a booth with Marilyn Monroe there you go and ate her out yeah all right so he liked pussy I'd like you yeah so we we dump Sandy at the curb we wake up it's a glorious day of not having to see her and we go to the wineries South Africa famous for their vineyards or beautiful

what do you call that rolling hills mountains green pastures thank you very green past your eyes love a pastor yeah yeah Louie Louie pastor pastor yeah door excuse me so we go out there and we just say boy this is nice we got the whole day and the lady loves what I'm not even a wine guy no she loves a wine and we go out there and we put our feet up and it just it's pretty high-end but again we're at the Rand the Rand is the money there yes cheap so we go in they treat you like a king and a queen and we got this beautiful view or tasting wines this guy comes over he goes I don't want to bother you he's like a normal

looking guy from Philadelphia I don't want to bother you up sitting over there I'm a huge Tuesday I'm a fan comedy anal queef out to lunch the whole thing and I go oh geez all right your first instinct is that they're right thank you yep yep honey bone wine lady and he was so charming and you know what the thing is I don't you've been with this coups for 13 days out there on the road so you go oh what's your story buddy where you from so I'm clinging to this guy that's marriage yeah I don't want to bother you with the wife and I'm like please for coming on there give us something to talk about yes and the more annoying they

are the better when he leaves you can be like what a piece of shit I can't believe that I love you the most totally and you're out of shit to talk about we've go Amsterdam was crazy how about Sandy we covered Sandy the whole day and night so we're out of shit again of course I mean you've been married for six weeks that's not easy let's stretchin so so this guy comes over and he's like I don't want to bother you to go sit out I'm sitting on his lap I'm feeding him grapes I just want to keep this guy here and his wife comes out she's like sorry about the husband she's cute and I'm like oh no what's your story so now

we're all chatting these guys are great they're not annoying they're normal they're nice and they're a couple Americans they're great yes that story grape so back they're out there and you're like that's kind of nice to talk to a fellow US or man yes I just thought of something they're great I like it I like it serial killer all right so we're milking it there we go so we chat we chat and the guy goes look this is gonna sound crazy okay this is gonna you sure I didn't cover this didn't cover okay on the edge of my seat over here I got my feet up you know what I mean yes yes so the guy goes I was gonna sound crazy I

go oh god what do you need a photo you want a signature do I do a video for your kid with cancer what do you want sure and he goes we got these dinner reservations boy it's the best restaurant not South Africa it's highly rated it's one of these Michelin tires you're gonna love it and I go okay you want to come with us and I go let me think about it let me think about it yeah I don't want to commit yeah I don't want to commit yes I never committed anything in my life same and I go you know I will think about it and we we leave the winery it was fun we had a great time we got a day buzz going there's

still a lot of sun left and it's an hour drive back to the hotel because the wineries are way out sure and we're discussing should we go what do you think and she's like I'm gonna come clean I want to go I would like to go and I was like well what else are we doing you know because otherwise we're gonna go back to the hotel go to the car where should we eat tonight what do you like what's the good restaurant and I'm sick of doing that well sick of it night is tough when you're in a relationship a little older night because daytime you're hiking there's the museum there's the thing the beach the hike the beach and

at night a lot of times actually we don't drink at all so it's like you got dinner and if there's no movie which the movie stink nowadays you just kind of go all right here we are like we're in Vermont we watched it was a FXX had a marathon a family guy it ended up being the best night of my life we just watched family guy for four straight hours which is fun yes but you're like there's nothing to do yeah it's the beauty of a comedy it's quite nice to have a night thing to do 100% I completely agree and it get you get sick of like there's a lot of pressure it's almost like New Year's where you're like what are we gonna do

it's New Year's we got to go to a party then we got to hit a midnight kiss then we got to go in after hours it's so much pressure and that's how vacations are you're like every night's a big deal where we're gonna eat where we're gonna get drinks where we're gonna go dancing where we're gonna go gay whatever it is so this was kind of nice like they rented the place or reserved it we'll just go meet them they'll kiss our ass they'll probably buy we're good okay it sounds okay so we go fuck it we're doing it so now we have a plan and it's a thrill that's like a make-a-wish to this fucking you get to throw a bone to

this weird old couple here sure so we go back and now we're like all right we're meeting them at 8 30 or whatever now we get back at 2 30 we got some day we get some sun we hit the pool we keep drinking you fuck you watch some african TV which is weird and then we head back up and go to dinner out to the winery again back to the winery so we drove an hour back and then went an hour but the drive is nice you've never been here you're looking around no sandy scenic as a son of an onion I mean it is beautiful it's its sheep and goat and horses it's great hmm so we go back and then this is something you forgot this is an old

relic relic relish call me a relic call me what you will is that right yeah okay fashion Sam over the hill never do was relic that's relic I've been saying relish for years no okay you call the relish if you want sure but it's a relish event boy I liked it we can't we gotta start doing noon it's it's evening I was just steaming for half an hour you're being too hard all puns all right puns are fun I like a pun me too big pun punisher so what is that I know what comic book who cares he's got a skull and a gun brought it up I don't know the punisher it's not for me I don't love these brooding super I'm angry you got

the comic book you pick it up you made this thing but I see the punisher I just go yeah I'm gonna go I'm gonna punish you yeah give me spider man he's upbeat swinging he's swinging he's a kid in high school he's got an uncle and an Aunt May I like that upside down kiss that's all the wet t-shirt come on that was that I was like Batman he's like a karate guy you know he's dead but dead he never talked about it you know he's dead died he let it go yeah it's fun what was that that's the song Danny Elfman it's like the greatest score ever

yeah that's not bad was that 89 that's the 89 Batman which is a Joker movie really it's all Joker most of them are no any of the Joker movie steals it it's a good point but yeah it's a Joker origin any anyways we're getting distracted Punisher sucks you read them you stupid I'm with you on that on that Punisher I never got in Judge Dredd there's a couple I never got into just real that movies tanked which was nice so to tank girl but oh Lori petty ah yes oh well I'm out oh yeah I'm off to point break when she changes with the short hair really wanted to fuck a boy when I was a kid oh yeah Kevin Spacey so we go meet these

queeps sweet people just upstanding citizens like good eggs and you go do that thing where you haven't met up with a couple and sat and talk no phone hmm foreign country don't know anything about each it was like a speed date so the first eight minutes was pretty awkward you know it's like oh where do you live oh you're New York yeah yeah and it's that horseshit convo and then you know it starts to unfold a little you have a glass of wine I got a martini and the guys I go I don't drink I like oh yeah what's going on he's a guy had a bad experience I had a rock bottom you're like oh now we're getting somewhere you

know it's like the Australian opens going on a big tennis queer at the beginning of a tennis match the first serve always goes right into the net yes and there's like a 10 the next one the return goes into the net 15 love you like it's gonna be if we're one minute into a four-hour match you got to get the shit out yes and without noticing all of a sudden it's three games total two in the server on sir and they're sweating and you're like well all of a sudden I'm in a minute yeah very similar very similar great analogy even a podcast a lot of puns out of the gate yeah you know but then it

gets cooking yes everything's sex you know you start with a make out there before you know it you're grabbing an octopus yeah so it's starting to get cooking then the guy comes out of nowhere and he goes I got I got a couple of business ideas I want to throw at you and you're like what oh interesting not like I want you to sign with me just like what do you think of these bit and his wife's like no Jeff stop stop he's like no no no I want to hear what he thinks baby so he's like an inventor yes interesting it's something I don't want to talk about politics this is good okay now is he trying to dupe it cuz he

knows you got a little coin no that's what I thought but he's like he preface like I'm not trying to I just want to know what you think you got here okay so I don't want to say his inventions cuz I hope it's a homework machine still hoping for those yeah well it wasn't that good but he threw out like three and one I was like whoa this is big this could change the world interesting this is huge baby and his wife's like oh I'm so embarrassed I'm like shut it bro this guy's on to something you're lucky you're with him cuz he's gonna take off with this shit can we guess it is a pocket you'll never in a million years it's so

out of left dick you'll never get it interesting all right now I want to get it yeah I mean we could be here for three weeks you won't get it but I gotta have decide if it's gonna change the world I must be able to think of something I don't think it's gonna it's not gonna stop climate change but it's like one of it's like a pet rock where you're like oh you're gonna make a couple million and get out interesting okay I would change the world's no good but it's like it's big it's a cute kitschy gift wrap what do you call that stocking stuff or that'll really blow up can you tell me off air I'll tell you off there that's all

I need to know all right now read it's gonna blow all the pocket was good till you stop telling us inventions you know I can't wait all right it's a you're gonna hate it I think but yeah most likely it it will sell is what I'm saying but the other ones it was like a garbage disposal that talks to you or some shit I don't know who's I have that okay well I pulled that out of my ass but either way it's gold and he's gonna be fine if he gets it going yeah it's hard to get it going he's like I bought the domain already I'm like if you could get grouping like Snoop Dogg to get on board with this this thing will move

interesting wow I can't wait to hear yeah so here's the clinker this is one of these dinners and I'll speed this up because we got a full safari here I got nowhere to be you got spots now I got I got it's a date night oh all right well I'll go long then yeah I'll try to keep you from that hey folks Tuesday's with stories brought to you by athletic greens please send us some more of this stuff because I am hooked I love it it's so good and I'm not even just saying that because it's written here athletic greens was the morning booster I didn't even know I needed just scoop shake and have a long side your morning coffee or

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mood when the mood is right hey folks I don't know what you guys would be on the air a long time so I imagine the audience is getting older along with us I'm in my 40s now I got a I got blood pressure through the roof and cholesterol through the dome so my dick is it's just a shriveled up piece of shit but I signed up at blue chew dot com and I consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you're approved you'll receive your prescription within days it's all online no visit to the doctor's office no awkward conversations no waiting in line at the pharmacy blue choose tablets are made in

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com slash Tuesdays today they get 10% off your first month that's better help HELP dot com slash Tuesdays get on it but so it's one of these places where it's this Michelin douche so they come out every ever there's like six what do you call it to quarters yes no corner what later what do you call that with the other bus boy no no the the servings serving there's like six oh well courses courses there we go of course of course of course less of course the horse of course is mr. Ed all right Burlburr so it's a here comes the appetizer and they got to go here you go and they talk behind with the hands

behind the back this is the liver alapacho and it's cooked in six different jizz cog flavors and the black guy shit on it and all this you go okay great you don't care at all you just want to eat it and you're hungry but you got to wait till they talk to you because it's all civilized and high-end right so it's kind of a nightmare just like I just want to eat this tiny piece of blueberry fish or whatever Jesus that flew by so that cut and you chat more and you chat more than another sir of course comes you eat that they explain it oh god that the guy comes out he made this myself above me I swear to God the whole

dinner was three and a half hours because you got to just wait wait wait brutal and my water is empty don't you hate that yes and all this time on the food everything's fucking tip-top ship shape all this bullshit creative where everything's got a story this fish was caught then sneezed on then we praised it was facing mecca that we cooked it in lemon juice give me some water dying over here yes I need water I like water water well it's it's like that I know it's Africa but it's of European colonialism colonization whatever the fuck that word is I never wear it alone European style of a meal is nine days

long yes if you go to Paris if you've been to Paris if you go into Paris they cook the bill it's it's two and a half hours before you get an entree yeah I think it's the style it's a style and the whole everything's empty people are walking out walking out I went to the bathroom to fill up my cup I was dying I'm in this nice-ass restaurant I'm in the sink next to the toilet like so it's hot and it's hot Africa and the indigent so finally I go it's 1130 we got here at 830 we have to get back we're flying to safari tomorrow we're in the middle of nowhere uber is not a thing here so I tell the waiter I go hey look buddy you

got a step on it I don't care about your dumb food origins I gotta go back to Africa and you gotta give me the bill and the guy the couple was so nice they go hey look you were nice about my dumb inventions we'll cover the bill and then the waiter gives me a card for a guy who will pick us up it's gonna be a thousand rand which is like you know $80 so not not not nothing but we got a free meal we got the hell out of there we made two friends well either way it was that was a long supper the last supper and we got back to the hotel then we have to pack and pretend to fuck and then you go fly to

Africa whoo by the way I saw the visit video of that home you're staying in what the fuck is that it was a lodge I would have never left it was beautiful man it was something funny out to lodge I mean I never would have left you had an infinity pool some shit like that some other thing overlooking the river it was all open air you could just slide everything open and the wind would come in the sun was shining it was open bar it was all inclusive meals the fucking shower was eight feet big and had a outdoor shower and had seats it was great now what about with open air are there mosquitoes cuz AIDS is from Africa right

they thought of everything oh that was wet that was fun all right so they have the windows open but they give you the screen option very nice so you close the screen but you got the wind still coming in okay but I set out all day every day just it's open oh it's all inclusive so you can drink they give you a bottle of champagne you can drink the bottle and go I need another bottle they'll bring another one wow that's good live it's good living up the dollar goes so far there they were treated like king so wow let me let me try to spill this the spell this out because this is a probably the best trip I've ever been on

okay I can't wait all right so here we go we fly out of Cape Town to Suzuku Suzuka yeah it's this tiny airport in the middle of nowhere it's in a hut the airport's a hut you get out of the hut the guy picks you up little black guy in an outfit and he goes I am your driver and you go okay great we get into this van guys please gun yes yeah it's fun gun on him and gun in the car nice I held it then he goes we got about a two-hour drive and you go that sucks but it kind of feels it feels authentic like we're really going somewhere sure we're going to the deep deep woods the jungle so we get right out of the airport there's

a bunch of animals running everywhere we go what the fuck is that he was done as an Impala they're running everywhere Impala yeah like the Chevy they're just running around and I go oh my god look at that he goes yeah yeah we hate them they're like they're like rats there oh wow they're everywhere so that was cool that we get in the van the guy's super nice he's like where you from what do you do and he's barely speak English we drive through the town the town is just just poverty I mean there's people with shanties on the side of the road selling scarves that nobody wants and get it together get your bootstraps

so finally drive through there we start to get to the reserve hmm it's called the Kruger National Park sure very famous oh you've heard of this of course well Sarah's from there she's the big viral video her and Henry had a viral video about a viral video okay funny was it Zach Shepherd I don't know it was an old famous video where all these that lion comes out of a thing and eats the thing but then they did commentary as tourists oh that's good that's like the most famous park in the wide world yes huge Kruger Industries so holy cow so we get to the gate it's like Jurassic Park they go he goes yeah yeah yeah shows the

gun they open the gate right when we go and we're like oh wow you can see the big fence behind you we're driving in dirt road there's an elephant wow there's a zebra elephants my favorite animal beautiful memories and they're sad or whatever yes yes yes good grief the smartest animal in the park by the way the lady brought that up she's like the elephants I can see they they get us they get what we're doing here where's the lion's just like the elephants like what's going on here where's he from he Jewish you know they there they're smarter right so we're dry and we're like oh my god an elbow freaking out you

know we've been in Cape Town with Sandy we see an elbow like and the driver's like shut up no one cares you know he's seen it all right of course so we're freaking out the two-hour drive went by like that because you just like whoa what is that he's like that's a kudu we eat those I'm like kudu that's some kind of deer so before you even get to Kayuga Park you're seeing the impalas and oh yeah and you know we're in Africa this is what you think of Africa right bugs the size of softballs kudu aids guns yes we're in there so now we pull up finally to this lodge and it's beautiful all wooden modern and it's all open air

and you go down these steps the guys pull up and they when you pull up they wave it's one of those things it's so all-encompassing or what do you call accommodating wow that they wave and you get out of the the van and they hand you a hot towel and you go okay I never know what to do with a hot towel yeah it's always weird it's hot for very long no that's true you dab and it hurts I do one of these I just pretend like oh yeah I just do that I don't know what I'm supposed to do it sounds well I always feel the same way like you jet blue would hand you a wet towel yes I'm like I don't need a wet towel I'll get a wet towel

what do I do I want a dry towel I've never used a wet towel before no wet towels a bad thing you go to your house you go dry off that's a wet towel yeah give me a dry towel good boy not that I need a dry towel either but you never know sure so either way they hand you a wet towel you go thank you and they go we'll take your bag so right away it's like we went from hell in Paula jungle black-eyed gun to wet towel lodge take your bags wow so you're staying in the park yes wow in the park baby we're in Jurassic Park then you go down they hand you a cocktail or iced tea or something and they go this is the gift shop this

is the kitchen this is the full bar this is whatever and then your room is over there so we go great and they go we hate to tell you this but it's 3 30 the safari next trip picks up at 4 do you want to go and we're like hell yeah okay so we're a little wonky but we're like fucker we're going so you go to the room and there's food there's candy there's drinks is everything you want you're like ah there's a pool you're like I kind of want to stay here but fuck it we're going to safari got a safari so we go back out we go to far you get to meet all the other couples okay there's six couples three are from New York wow kooky so we

meet everybody they're all very nice and then of course old dickless lets it out of the bag I what do you do he's a comedian I got that ruined the whole fucking trip oh what do you do do you know dane cook oh what's your closer you been on a see so get out of here boy so we get on the safari and you know the comedy gene kicks in where you try to be funny yeah it's like 18 people in the truck are not 18 it's probably like nine sure you want to get a laugh as an audience of course and I'm hard when they know you're a comedian that's true they go here he goes yes that's what they do they don't shut up or they're like

this I wasn't so funny yes that you're a comedian I know and I got a lot of those you know I see a zebra I'm like interracial they're like I moved to the back yeah but it was fucking amazing it's a it's a driver with fatigues on he's he's been doing so far for 20 years he's seen it all then there's a tracker he sits on the hood literally on the hood wow you can see it on my Instagram he's got the gun I guess so no I think the tracker at the good other there the the guy the fatigue the driver oh okay he's called the guide so the tracker what's the tracker tracking he tracks animals he goes hold on a lion quaffed in two

clicks to the left and he the guy turns it up drives it with this line in the tree bye that's amazing quint yes he's quint Colin quint and this is the coolest part at one point he's in the front he goes and the driver stops just like a bicycle yes and he goes what's up he goes leopard track and it's like oh god and we all get quiet and he looks at him for like two seconds and he goes he's limping you're like holy shit why it's fucking amazing you're like native American I know I'm to blow up a native African I guess yeah same thing yeah NA non-alcoholic so he goes it's limping that way mmm and you're like oh my

guys the coolest guy ever he's just like the stoic cool you know quiet black guy and so he gets back on the truck and we see a leopard and he's limping I mean it was unreal no I thought maybe the tracker would say he's limping and he went that way let's go this way and found what limped him oh interesting there maybe yeah no well here's what's cool we see a leopard at one point and he's salivating and he goes up up up he's like up on a rock he's he's screaming cow chocolate and then but here's the here's the clicker he goes up up up I want to suck your blood and then 10 seconds later over here you're here oh

oh he's mating whoa I tried that later it didn't work but he goes up and then 20 seconds later here a distant fate from the bushes and we watched him go into the bush and he kept going and the other guy and then they found the guy they're both guys well I think it was a lady or a trans but he fucked him wow was the bush like shit yes and then Jim Carrey came out in the rhinos ass but it was really something wow boy that's something I gotta go on a safari you would love it I'm not an animal guy I'm not a wilderness guy and I was high five it I was hooting and hollering I loved it well I saw that video you just you

texted me with the elephant coming right in right that was the first that was the four o'clock that was the first thing we pulled out of there it was like whoop shit reverse and we're like what the fuck it was insane wow that's incredible it was really incredible and you're really one with nature and by the way these animal rights people very progressive animals very not woke it's all gender roles it's all kill you you come near me they killed in politics no protest you know they just kill it yeah it's old-school yes sir so really really really something and every day there's a 5 a.m. safari and a 4 p.m. and

we did everyone wow that's how cool it was that you're like 5 a.m. what are you insane but we did it because it was just that exciting it must have been dark and 5 a.m. dark you they wake up at 5 you go out there about 5 20 they give you coffee and pastries and then you go to about 5 45 and the sun's coming up so you see the sunrise you see the elephant you see the giraffes it's pretty amazing wow yeah one point I lost my hat like we were going so fast my hat flew off and I go ah my hat flew off and the guy goes don't get out if you get out they'll kill you it's weird if you're in the truck though the lions will walk right by it

but if you get out or stand up they'll kill you that's amazing isn't that wild wow so close you're so close to death but so far it's fascinating and then the little things where they go was that a hippo and you're like oh cool hippo and they go that will kill you quicker than a lion yeah the hippo is real dangerous I follow all these nature this world planet this planet of the whatever and there was a big hippo video recently did you see it like a river but it looks like Louisiana type of one of those riverboat things yeah and the hippo is like coming and kind then it's like gets like really close it's like oh yeah

it's wild yeah they'll kill a lion they'll kill and that's the thing about the jungle the the lion is the king of the jungle but he goes to get a sip of water crocodile snap you're right in the right so it's kind of like you know hey you got a tough black guy in the hood he's the toughest guy but if a gay dude walks up he's like whoop I'm out of here no good I think that's okay I say this tough yeah yeah I just said you know you ever seen those videos of a guy who the white guy who goes up to the gangster guys and they're like we got a problem and he just rips his clothes off he's at a g-string and he goes and they go ah

they run away no I saw Borat though that's similar you ever see those yeah yeah I think that guy was eventually killed but by the way I saw I had the best double feature you know you're on the road you only got six channels so you just pray to get something good yes yes I had the I had the tail end of banshees of nourishment did you see that people are raving it's very good but that I saw the last 45 minutes of that it's very somber and then right after that Borat came on oh classic and it was such a nice double feature in the hotel didn't have to

touch the remote for two hours that's nice you have this beautiful sad sweeping I'm just some laughs but it's it's this beautiful thing and then right when it ends pure joy what is a real masterpiece if you ask me it's top maybe top 20 comedies of all time yeah it's fantastic two was rough and then Bruno sucked but there's a couple good jokes in the second poor it's a couple but but Borat it's a perfect film yeah wonderful saw it in the theater and it just murdered yeah same I mean people were going crazy it was like deaf comedy jam in there that and jackass are the two biggest pops I've ever seen in a theater yeah I was big

alright so great time the last day we flew out at noon so we still we still got the five hour or five o'clock tour in or a safari in nothing worse than the last day painful painful I mean we just we got so comfortable in that lodge you had that pool you had the open bar you had the food every day the food was fantastic they bring it right to your room snacks I mean there's a bartender there this sexy black guy was shaking it up it's like high school you're like it's never gonna be this good again and anyway it felt like summer camp yes you got to know everybody then you have to leave them and you have so much fun and you

fuck so much because you got the whole day and there's no responsibilities yeah fucking is good you know no one's like who's doing the dishes bitch you know is it my turn so cute leaving was so hard and then that's when it all went to shit oh boy so Amsterdam was was kind of rough because it rained the whole time then you go to Cape Town we had sandy we had the drives we had the power outages the safari was perfect not a hiccup not a flaw nothing and then it all came crashing down oh boy and I'll keep this tight cuz I'm sure you got some stuff here okay we're gonna have time for my stuff but that would go hit it next week

alright alright so well knock this out so you know I'm off in La La Land so I haven't looked at my email or phone so I go boy we're flying out today look at the itinerary I'm already I'm already upset and you know me with uh with the flights and the planning and the management everybody knows you like I know you yeah so I go huh we're flying in the out of Suzuka which is normal and they were flying into Johannesburg okay we'll probably go Johannesburg to Newark huh says here Johannesburg to Cape Town Cape Town to DC DC to Newark okay that's five flights yeah it seems like a lot of flights yeah so I tell the lady and she's

like what that's crazy that must be a mistake why would we fly to Johannesburg then to Cape Town we were just in Cape Town why would we go back there and I'm like well look and I don't want to get my my guy in trouble my travel guy I used a guy I couldn't have done this but why how come yet you haven't looked because I'm flying to Austin in 10 days and I'm checking my seats every couple seconds yeah yeah you gotta check the seat and the time and the thing La La Land the day before I was I was fucking a zebra 10 minutes ago I'm not looking at flights okay okay bad for a couple seconds I know I'm not condoning it or or or

defending myself but it just didn't happen so I go alright this is weird but it must be some mistake why we fly this that then why are we going to DC and three flights just in the one country yes yes so I go that's weird so we fly to Johannesburg and that's the other thing it's not just fly to Johannesburg it's passports it's figure out where the fuck you're going in another language and it's it's sweaty in there and smelly and BO and you're all over the road and you're international so that's a whole thing and I got to check your bags and this and that so we finally get to Cape Town and I'm like alright enough's enough

we've already had three flights that day we got up at five in the morning we want to kill ourselves not to mention we got a 16 hour flight ahead of us so we're like I text my guy and I go and this is my folks I texted him that day and I'm like dude why do you have us going into DC when I when you get off a 7 hour flight or 16 hour flight you just want to be done with it you don't connect when you're riding 16 hours and there's nothing much to do second-seeker song oh yeah you don't feel much like riding you just wish the trip was through the probably the best road song of all time I love Seager very good all right so we

get to Cape Town and now it's the third flight so I'm texting my guy I'm like what what's going why are we going to DC why why didn't we just fly out of Johannesburg and she's yelling she's yelling at me she's like why didn't we fly down like well if he booked this it must be a reason and she goes there's a flight out of Johannesburg every hour every day to Newark and I go wow that's always a bit so I send him that angrily just buy that ticket right now well I tribe we're already in Cape Town so I look at the Cape Town flights and he's like I found you one but you'll lose this flight and you can't roll it over so

you'll have to spend like a lot of thousands of dollars to get a new one and you'll lose that one okay this is where you and I differ well take my entire savings I'm flying to Newark tonight I guess so but it was you know it was eight grand here than another eight grand then you got two tickets to buy all right you would do it all right well finish the story and let's see which was more valuable eight grand or whatever the fuck train wreck you're about to go through well this is a full 9-11 I would kill for a train wreck so we get to Cape Town and we're we're coach to DC so I go up to the guide I'm

like dude we got a 60-hour flight ahead of us we've had three flights already you gotta give us a comfort give us a united comfort or whatever we're on and he goes I'll see what I can do and I go okay okay go sit down I'll see what I can do I go all right now we're boarding and I go anything and he goes who are you and I go all right great so we get on the flight we're in 48 B you know she's middle seat she's a fucking trooper and here we go 16 hours and we are furious there's tension she hates me we're fighting divorces in the air you know not pretty so I go look we'll just get to DC it's a 43 minute flight we just

gotta suck it up all right not to mention I have to land do three podcasts that day and two shows at night so that was a mistake on my part glad you threw in that last part yeah so I go here here I got a secret she gets in there I give her a big old sleeping pill I mean this thing could put down a horse or a Ralphie May I mean this is a doozy okay so I give her one of those I pop one she conks out immediately thank God it's a 60 hour flight you realize you can get eight hours of sleep and still have eight hours that's how that's how long that flight yeah those flights are just brutal and I don't look forward to

ever taking one again no same same I'm flying to Hawaii this weekend that's 11 hours oh yeah I asked her to go she was like are you fucking nuts so I go all right here we go take the sleep bill she's out thank God she got a good like eight hours seven eight hours she was conked I had her pulse at one point she wet herself it was hardcore REM now there's an older lady sitting on the window not sandy sorry a little semen not sandy nice lady she's from South Africa she lives in DC she's lived there for 10 years and we just start talking over the lady and she's like so what's your story well blah blah blah she goes

I'm from South Africa I live in DC America is amazing you guys don't know what you have South America sucks the apartheid the racial tension the poverty the inequality the outages you have no idea what you got it was so nice to hear that sure all we do is shit on America with the racism and the protests and corruption and the government and the politics she was like that's nothing of course I mean you say that but it you just hear it all day long I know well believe I mean again my in-laws are people that packed up and shipped out and they're like thank God it's about Sarah's dad's like dying words like two days

before he died he's like the greatest thing I did was gut my family out of South Africa he's like I'm so proud of myself for raising my children in America look at these immigrants are the most proud people yes he was way more love and pride in America than any American I've ever met in that funny the immigrants appreciate America more than Americans they had to get here right it was hard to pack up his babies and go and get a job and move here and do the test and the paperwork and all the shit yeah this is amazing and it's weird because I feel like people who shit on America are very into immigrants like

yes we got to open the borders but then they're shitting on it so I'm like well aren't you could shouldn't you want not understand why they would want to come here yes you know what I'm saying yeah I know you're saying but I mean there's plenty to plenty of flaws in America we're not perfect I'm just certainly we're far from perfect nobody I don't think a lot of people you don't feel like I'm moving to Canada fuck this but they never do certainly I think the health insurance situation that's a problem is a problem and then the medic the medical medical problem big nightmare yeah yeah yeah but yeah we're still great and

we're making a living talking about our assholes so that's pretty good not complaining I like it here so it's number one baby yeah so finally I conk out we this is when it gets gulag-esque we land in DC and they got bad news you check the bag and I go she did I never check a bag and they go well you have to get your bags off the belt and then recheck them and I was like okay then you got to go through so you go through customs you got to go find your bag the bag we were in customs for so long that all the bags but on the belt for an hour and they just throw them on the floor because they got to open the belt I've seen that

I've dealt with this so now everybody's getting out of customs and it's just a sea of suitcases and you're like is that mine is that that sticker I got a big I got fuck your mom and hang ten on mine you know this is the hard part about traveling yes the sandwich the beginning and the end the trap it's such a nightmare and this is why most people going back to America is great America's not great Americans don't travel for these reasons that's what it is and every airport was a cakewalk till we got to America and they always say people go oh South Africa looks amazing but that's a long flight and you go oh you pussy

you'll you got to live your life I once we landed in DC I was like I get it I never want to travel again I know I know so you're sifting to bad people are fine that's my bag oh sorry never mind oh and it's just tension and misery and everybody's you know we all just got off the same flights are all like cracked out and tired and finally we find our bags we go boy we did an hour at customs bag thing was fucking 45 minutes now you got to wait in another line to check your bag so we missed you know you miss your flight yes and we had a connection the connection was an hour and a half it's already been three hours so you missed

the flight you got to refine the flight the bag check was so long that eventually they go okay everybody leave your bags we will we will do it for you and we're like huh that feels weird because all you're doing is getting in line and giving them a bag and they put a tag on it and then you go to the gate so now it's just like we'll do it you're in here too long you'll never get a flight out this was gonna take all day so we'll check them so annoying it's like a 40 minute flight I just get on an Amtrak well I looked into that the Amtrak's four hours of course but it is no checky wrecky I know and I looked into

uber I was like fuck it let's do it but now the bags are checked we go up to the gate they're like it's gonna take off at whatever whatever noon and you're like all right fuck it so we go to the lounge we relax we try not to hate each other she's about an inch away from hitting me finally we get our flight it takes off we get to Newark hallelujah we kiss the ground I high five Chris Christie then no bags so I go I'm on a podcast in 20 minutes so we wait we wait we wait no bags come couple bags come out of the city tease you got the cheese and you see the happy lady go oh there's mine and he's the fat guy oh there's mine and you

go yeah I want to die die I know then you go up to one guy with a vest on you go is at the end of the bags it goes I don't know and you go great thank you so I go well the podcast started five minutes ago Sam's like where are you what are you doing I'm like I just got back from Africa it's an FAA a flight bullshit that my bags are gone I want to kill you but the lady the trooper that she is he goes you go I'll wait for the bags oh my god you got to marry this woman that's not a bad idea so I feel horrible but I leave her and then I'm texting her like two hours later she's like I'm still online I was like oh what

a fucking champ and she goes they lost them and they brought the bags back at four in the morning wow so we did it I get why people don't travel it was hell not worth the safari the whole thing was ruined but fun yeah it's really that's the way it is it's that you're sitting that hall and it's like Ellis Island and it's just a nightmare but that's why you gotta really live and be in it and then that memory fades yes we have you know you look back on thing we have a negativity bias in real time totally but looking back we look back fondly you got that right like a relationship yeah yeah exactly you're always like oh that

was great and then you're like actually it was a nightmare yeah yeah yeah so if you ask them how they're doing in general they're like I'm doing great everything's good but if you asked them every 15 minutes throughout the course of the day they'll be like I'm stressed I'm hungry I'm tired late whatever and at the end of the day you got how was your day you go it was a great day so true perfectly said and we we wanted to kill each other but I think that's a quality that's underrated is not flipping out because it's always that one we all we're all going through hell and there's always that one person like you're like well

we all want to do that but you did it because you suck right you know it's like a baby on a plane the baby's like like yeah we all hate this the plane exactly we're not all screaming you fucking cliff and you always got to know that it will work out we'll get clothes back we'll get new clothes we didn't get eaten by a tiger yeah we're alive the plane took off the plane landed no ISIS my father's gay yes so all right we let's get some plugs in here okay was that it are you got more no I'm done because I think we gotta be like oh yeah an hour okay you do a legion of skanks a hand there that's a hell of a program oh yeah

funny show festival yes no doubt about it don't fuck me what is this August now biff don't con me you better be there I think it's October okay you better cover of October skies hold on I got some liquid death sweatpants somewhere I have a all right I'll go while you're here all right all right where's this come out October oh okay great 31st Jesus Christ we got to catch up yeah the Gramercy Theater March 14th live pod tickets are gonna move baby if they're not sold out already might be already sold out yeah I'm at Spokane in Washington I'm at Skyline Appleton doing Chicago one night only March 18th special taping come

out to that Calgary those tickets are moving we just did Miami geez Oxnard Levity live and outside of LA that's not till April then funny bone Toledo funny bone Dayton Rochester all kinds of fun dates working it out come on by what do you got Faddy all right well I got Key West this weekend Thursday Friday Saturday very excited about that I'll be there Monday through Wednesday with Ari too that's gonna be fun hanging out Denver Comedy Works next weekend make sure you get those tickets that's one of the coolest fucking clubs ever I'll be with Matt Wayne there I can't wait make sure you buy those tickets up Denver

Comedy Works February 9th through the 11th Lafayette February 17th coming back there's been a while Houston secret group that's already probably sold out it's low ticket warning now oh we're a couple weeks ahead of here another great room doing Grove 34 again in Astoria February 20th did last night it was a fucking blast PS 109 we're doing again February 24th that one sold out quick last time so get on those tickets Chicago March 3rd Park West that's a theater and it's only about half sold so if you could get on that fucking come on come out to that and then Gramercy Theatre of course March 14th Salt Lake

City is March 31st in April 1st Salt Lake City and then Wilbur Theatre of course April 15th a lot of you guys are buying those up I can't wait for that hometown hero and I'm gonna be shooting a special to VU hopefully right in that area so that's gonna be something who's more prolific you are Lou it's a neck yeah who knows with him you know yeah well but anyways I'm excited about that so hit us up on YouTube leave some nice comments for God's sake I made the mistake of checking those Jesus Christ all right I'll get my teeth and cock fixed yeah I would not always an outbreak and yeah YouTube and hit up my

YouTube I put on a new short called you're a cuck with run on I think it's very good very funny and a bunch of fun used to stuff and the next special be on there so I want to get those subscribers numbers for the next special comes all right well we'll see all in hell praise Allah and get on the patreon it's cooking oh my god it's cooking everybody's on there yeah it's not thousand people why not you you got there let's go to 10 fuck it's a nice round jeez