Tuesdays with Stories! - #492 Mark Goes to the Superbowl (Doctor Vouchee)

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

Joe's back in New York, and he's FURIOUS over paying $25 for oatmeal and  eggs. There's helicopters circling his apartment, the Walgreen's nearby  is getting robbed - this town's going straight to hell!! He's back from  going to Florida with Salacuse to shoot a documentary about Tom Dustin! Mark is back from the SUPERBOWL ladies and gentlemen, recounting his  experience with Bert Kreischer, Shane Gillis and Big Jay Oakerson! And  the King of Queefs finally meets the King of Beefs - Mark matches wits  ... with Guy Fieri!!!   Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Visit http://athleticgreens.com/TUESDAYS for a Free 1-year supply of Vitamin D - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self.  - Try Blue Chew for free at http://bluechew.com/TUESDAYS  - Use code TUESDAYS at https://groovelife.com/TUESDAYS to get 20% off.

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing we're both sick we're both gay we're under the weather and we're under each other yeah it's tough tough tits out here Chuck has no chance I mean you have no chance of survival he's going down hotbox of jizz

and germs literally no vent no window no sunshine no aerosol whatever no future and I'm sick as a pony and you're sick as a dog I got the fat head the big head you know the commercial where your head's this big that's me oh yeah I need a nice little cup of nightquill and a pajama and a kiss yeah Soder and Schengels have had that for years huh like a big head oh okay sorry physical heads yeah very humble that's true good good eggs yes good egg heads big and eggs you just got raped anally by one of these boutique come guzzling little stores out here folks dishes right here it is can we punch in on their dishes

sucks yeah I want you to guess at home folks this was I've eaten it since oh this is a bowl bowl of cholesterol and this cup of oatmeal yeah oatmeal and scrambled eggs take a moment to think don't don't call in because the phone lines are already cramped those eggs are that cost those eggs are runnier than my my bowels there look at that shit the yellow and it's like mucus in a in a petri dish I like a runny egg but yeah that is great looks like my wife's cunt on a heavy day if you know what I mean it's like somebody did one of these that's what I've been doing I can't stop that guy dude yesterday I had this where

I was at home fortunately but I just did a cough just like a look and it's shot like a fucking runny egg shot across my ass dishes I've seen that by the way dishes is what you they always name these high-end places these high-falutin queefs after dishes or illegals or whatever it is you know this is what you do at home I had to do dishes after I cuz I couldn't afford the fucking thing exact dish walla I put the a cup of eggs and a cup of oatmeal yeah and a cup of coffee not a coffee I got this from Starbucks a bottle of water this giant bottle of water Timber and the lady said I thought she was kidding she said

that'll be 2588 bad year 2588 folks wow four scrambled eggs an oatmeal and a water oh my god what are we at the Berlin airport this is bananas outrageous that's almost that's a quarter of a hundred that's right wait yeah yeah over yeah okay that's right geez almost 26% of a hundred dollars don't you want to just go keep it it's all up on the red that's a good way to fuck them in the ass just walk backwards you guys keep it that's too much well I made a big scene a stink if you will please will you I will thank you I said 25 I go what are you kidding and there's a guy behind me in line chuckling and I did the I gotta

move to a different city I move it cuz sometimes you react over money and they think you're a tourist they're like welcome to New York right live here yeah good point any live in Queens where I think things are still reasonable yeah oh maybe it's the whole egg thing you know that might be it that could be it yes these egg prices are higher than Hunter Biden you fucked us you talked about the eggs how the eggs are good you're like me with red bank you're right and my wife's prices went high yeah same that's scrambled but 25 bucks for that and then I gotta tell you this real quick I'm on half a night of sleep

same because I'm sick and I'm gay but last night I go into Grove 34 good club great show thanks for coming Rob Rigo great guy funny guy Rigo Park he's a serious guy to he's like in the army he's a pilot he's ripped he's kind of sexy oh yeah beefy and he's funny and he's running the club there it reminds me me my 20s bunch of wild animals running the club over there of a wild animal yeah fun they got rabies they're foaming at the mouth they're hard they're smoking cigars right in the club no ventilation no windows they got like a German shepherd running around why are these queefs I'm telling you

they're they're like us but in their 20s oh those are the days yeah living up boys cuz it all goes to hell with the whole marriage and gray pubes yeah we'll be divorced soon you got that right that'll be fun that'll be a renaissance well we'll be back yes Tuesdays with X's Tuesdays with divorces I like it we'll get half the fans back because we lost a lot of people when you stopped fingering every night lost about 40% of the crowd I'm figuring my own ass if that helps yeah less of a story it does so I did the Grove 34 great great show and we go home we go to the diner after I love the diner and then we go back to the

house and over my bed all night I just hear the sound no oh this is better you got a laurel up there with that a helicopter that's a helicopter yeah it's a helicopter and you want to see helicopters and it's about 1 a.m. from about 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. helicopter chopping right over the house oh boy which I say to Sarah I always have this fear that there's gotta be a criminal running around our backyard yes yes a fugitive that's the only reason for a helicopter every outhouse back house whorehouse dick house and chop house and in the land dick house jackass oh production company right now you're gonna

say it was an old coach I wish dick house he did the bears there's their dick house there's an Eddie house that's a big difference maybe they called him dick Eddie and dick yes that's a good suit in them for us Eddie and dick what do you got I don't know it'll be fun oh who's Eddie I'll be Eddie oh I gotta be dick shit I shouldn't give you the option you're a good dick damn it never heard that before but any any shits the chopper's going over we look it up on Twitter which is a good place to find things there's a wall greens two blocks from my house got robbed and the guy was on the roof last night I gotta move

$25 eggs and my neighborhood wall greens is getting robbed well I mean I gotta stand behind this guy maybe he's stealing a cart of eggs and going fuck the fuck the man I don't think he's getting one though because that wall greens is decimated I bet it's heroin fentanyl or whatever oh wow a helicopter for a wall greens I mean I get a helicopter for the the Fort Knox the bank trust whatever the hell but a wall greens well I think the city has money still I don't know what they're doing with it but I think we have toys toys aren't we like an army I think we have more than the Rhode Island Army or

really or army reserve what's that called bank reserve I think you get a table the Coast Guard no the National Guard ah the some stat I don't know New York's police is bigger than Mexico's Army or oh I believe it well defund them where does he get those wonderful toys yes but yeah good bring out the chopper fight if you got the chopper use the fucking thing yeah I guess so but chopper sick balls hey Pulp Fiction stand by me hey that was fun all right that's dead you can only watch one for the rest of your life stand by me or Pulp Fiction where you taking I'm going pulp because it's different it's

layered there's more there's 18 stories in one stand by me is great it's the kids it's the dead body it's the Stephen King it's the River Phoenix is a child it's some dick but pulp is layered I think I'm taking stand by me because I'm gonna be touched this touching there is heart because Pulp Fiction I still have all the other Tarantino's I still got eight other Tarantino's to choose from but that's my favorite one interesting yeah probably mine too all right all right how do you like that anyways all right anyways that's all that's all I was up all night fucking get them I don't know I tried to look this morning it was a

reddit thread Sarah was reading it but I was falling asleep because I had seven equals in my asshole yeah so my lady's got the citizen app I forget about it don't even open that son of an onion holy come guzzlin Nazi it's just hey there's a man beheaded 12 feet away from you the guy's holding his head he looks just like you he's got says you're next you're like what the fuck well he's crazy specific I'm pretty excited about scream for by the way six yeah scream he's on the thing yeah we're up to six now what is his fast five scream but still it's funny he's in the city it's all in New York oh well that's just a

documentary I mean just some guy with a hatchet in a mask on this is happening on Broadway but by the way I'm like this is not happening remember that show that was a fun program was not happening no no it's not but it was fun while it lasted it sure was but I'm telling you I was gone for I will get into all of it I was gone for 19 days I went to all four time zones wow I was up and down and over and out Key West Denver Salt Lake City Gig Harbor Tacoma Houston Lafayette all in one swoop I never felt better my whole life and I got home and I realized I had an epiphany I hate New York I think you do we get in we land yesterday and

whatever the fuck four o'clock we go out to the Uber area and there's Port Authority police guys like an SUV and you know I heart the police but these guys did the the guy was in the wrong area so he hunked the the air horn like like it shook the whole thing yeah and there's just these two cop bros like I hate them I hate the Ubers I hate the city it's a rat race it's a toilet it punches you right in the dick when you land right away right when you go off the plane there's a little 10-year-old going yeah just nut checks you're right when you get off terminal B and you want to kick him in the face but that's New York

he's got a Yankees hat on so you got to allow it welcome to New York if we've and you come in the subways packed as a helicopter right on the roof of my house because someone robbed the Walgreens and you get robbed with eggs $25 pair of eggs portion there's a lawyer that wants to shoot us next door yeah and we're early too I know don't worry we'll leave soon we have been here in three weeks last one was the worst one oh yeah we gave him a break but yeah no New York it's not natural to live like this then you I was in Spokane I got my feet up I'm smoking a cigar a woman sitting on my face I'm the richest guy in town it's

unbelievable I mean Key West riding bikes every four minute bike ride to everywhere nice breeze you know I love the breeze on the arms of a breeze I'm in the ocean the ocean heels and I'm in Gig Harbor they got the Cushman trail is a nice trail you park everywhere big grocery stores yes even Houston I'm riding they have a green belt which is you know you ride the bike around yes yes belt in the woods oh god itchy nose mmm cocaine means you're gonna get in a fight or kiss a fool oh that's what they say maybe both maybe fight a fool hmm fight or flight syndrome no freeze I'm gonna fight on a flight that happens that happens

a lot yeah it's going up well I had a real chatter yesterday on the flight rather a fight and it was one of these things to you know how like when there's an annoying noise like myself happening if it's rhythmic you can kind of adjust to it like noise it's like sure you're like okay that thing happens every three second but when it's random it really makes you psychotic it's the Chinese torture thing you don't know when it's coming and then you're anticipating it oh it didn't happen yeah it's not gonna happen exactly which by the way we're do for one in 15 minutes but this guy he was like that he had weird intervals

of talking that's tough like I'm like okay we're done and you put the hood on and you put on the thing and then he's like so what do you do for work anyways whatever and then you got to say oh my wife and I we run a bar you own a bar well we run it yeah who owns it my friend owns it why are you traveling so much well we go to look at the beer you're right this I think about this all the time because you said this to me once this is rude yes it's a nuisance because he's abusing politeness yes because now you have to go I can't just not answer the guy so he knows what he's doing my parents do this which is why

it's so fucked up they do it to waiters because waiters have to be nice to them right they'll be like so where are you from oh we're in you know my parents we're here from New Orleans you've been New Orleans and the waiters like oh no they got 13 tables and they got to suck my dad's ass for 20 minutes and I go get out of here don't come back I give him a 20 I slept on the ass I think this all the time people like what do you like the chicken or the eggs they're like they don't care they just order they want to they have to get out of it to get to another table exactly all day they're dealing with this right right they don't

even eat here no I used to do I used to go what what are you like and then they go I like the pasta I'll go I'll get the swordfish and I go why do I ask them so I stop doing it yeah stop asking I know I ask don't ask don't tell yeah boy I feel like shit same so I got it can we just sorry do it I'm digress I want to hear about the the Super Bowl I hear about the Super Bowl can we just okay toss that at ya can I punt it over I feel like I interrupt you were you were all over the latitude and the longitudes and then I cut out I was just saying the guy was chatting but I feel like I've gone five in a row I got Walgreens eggs

I was intrigued it's fun to listen had people want to hear about the first four letters a listener list you got that right but people want to hear about the Super Bowl I'm dying to hear about the goddamn Super Bowl alright well I got some I got some other stuff but I'll go right to the Bowl baby well do whatever you want to feel but I'm dying to hear about the Bowl okay okay well start from the top there fatty so you know the the machine Bert Kreischer the shirtless booze bag he's out there just kicking ass he's doing arenas here and there some stadiums he's the white fluffy I'm believable this fella killing it you

know got a 18 tour buses he brings the whole crew out the family the the assistant the lighting package all there's all these guys now can I ask something real quick please somebody says somebody who's in the know says Segura does better financially is that right is that possible is he just quiet about it I mean he's he's the one that's in charge of the whole podcast network that all of them are on your mom's house I think is like a production company as well as his oh so is that what this person means because I thought that makes him so it is like because everywhere because it's like two bears

one cave is both of them and then Bert has Bert cast and then Tom Segura has like his own podcast a Spanish speaking thing his wife he speaks Spanish and I yeah I wouldn't be surprised if there are other podcasts that are big that are produced by your mom's house production he's a little more not politically but he's a little more conservative Bert's lavish with these giant houses he'll take a private plane healthy I don't want to divulge in all these people's finances here but I think Tom's got his two kids he's sober he works out he drives a fun car and he goes home and I know anything about this guy fun both of them are

great guys I think that they have like a compound for podcasting in Texas basically oh like when Kevin Smith went on he was like this this studio is like shocking to me he's like I've been podcasting since day one it's pretty impressive no idea how you build no kidding all right well I was just I'm curious about this because it looks like bird is all over the map they're both doing pretty fine but Tom is like very impressive how how much of his shit is together and but that you can do that shit in Texas you can buy a warehouse and put a fucking Ferrari in it in a boxing ring in a kangaroo Texas

let's move to Texas Texas I really do think that's a huge part of it because he did that like before the huge tech boom right yeah there before it was like a crazy place for everyone to move right wow so all right they're doing just fine all right so here's the deal Super Bowls on Sunday yes Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday sold out shows at the summer arena Mullet Mullet Mullet you get that name the Ovan Mullet arena and which is where in Tempe Tempe or Phoenix yeah it's in that area got you so it's all Phoenix and Phoenix is a buzz we got the waste management golf tournament which is like the biggest

tournament only once every whatever years Drake is in town he's doing all these shows Bert's doing the arena and the Super Bowl so it's cuckoo bananas out there wow it's mayhem so flying in a huge effort a Phoenix was a whole big ticket item whatever you fly in your little banged up here we go it's a long flight cross-country basically you get off okay there at this address pull up to this Airbnb out in the burbs of Phoenix huge Airbnb it's like out of cribs you know there's a pool a basketball court a putting green a warehouse with air hockey ski ball all that shit pool table a pool hot tub giant

barbecue section huge driveway giant TV big kitchen the 18 rooms it's bananas wow so you're like whoa holy hell I walk in Shane Gills is in pajamas I'm like what are you doing here he's like I've been here three days I'm taking it easy and I'm like all right great and then a big J shows up and Dave Williamson's barbecuing out back and I just like oh my god this is fucking awesome so they throw you a beer they go to show tonight's at seven be ready by six ten thousand people whatever arena here we go and you're like whoa all right just get off the plane you're holding a beer you're in you're in your bathing suit

and you're eating a brat wow can I just say by the way the last time we talked you said DeRosa was going yeah see Big J was a load off my mind why is that it was like a blanket came and the sweat stopped and I felt better the deceased parted because big J is Eagles obsessed he's a football guy DeRosa the guys never seen a football game he's a fucking Han Solo asshole he loves Star Trek he's a comic-con come stay don't get me wrong I love Joe I mean I love them great hang great guy people think we hate each other that's our love language yes I love them but to see Big J I was like okay that was my

fault so Bert's texted me and Shane a week before and he goes who should we bring I have an extra ticket and I said Eagles Philly comic fun hang get DeRosa and I forgot about Big J being from Philly I love Big J but I forgot he was from there so DeRosa's done comedy since 1948 you know he did Bob Hope's tour so they they call Big J because that now you get the comic he's a great comic and a fun hang and Eagles he's the whole jean jacket or what he called chain wallet package full package there you go fully loaded and he could party oh he goes after it yeah he's a subtle partier you look at him at eight in the

morning he's drinking a white claw and smoking a stokey and you're like huh how about that yes exactly DeRosa's got a bad ticker I think he's on the mend well tell that to his dealer but either way both great guys whatever so we get to the mall arena and I'm feeling too good I take a shower I get some son on my that Phoenix son it heals you Jerry I love Phoenix we were there together that that's right after my wedding we had a great time and so we get to the arena and I'm cocky I got them been drinking a little bit all day I'm in feet I'm in this big Airbnb you feel like a kid you get that like remember the bachelor party

you just like Lucy Goosey you feel good that batch of the party I peaked there peak Jerry I remember the wedding I peaked two peaks twin peaks ah we go that's why I poked so we get to the mall arena and they go alright it's gonna be Shane then you then whatever then bird I go alright great so Shane goes up murders annihilates and I go up and I'm walking up the arena stair you don't mind you this is top saw fully loaded guys are out there shirtless shaking their fat asses and all this the thing about Bert's fans is the men and women look just like them they all look like Bert the women yes the bush women and I

go up and I'm walking up arena stairs and it all hits me I got this giant jumbo tron behind me I got 10,000 people I'm like I even put a set together it's a Wednesday night I've had this exact thing happen not to mention the drinking that I'm in the back shuck it and jive it I'm doing magic tricks I'm doing party games whatever and I get on there and I go oh yeah and I go oh shit this is an arena and it all clicks in and I go I gotta open I'm gonna open my closer just to just to play it safe I'm open with a banger sure closer is wildly offensive aha which you you know you build some trust in an hour of course

and so your closer is a little more understood but if you open with it these people don't know who I am they're like what the fuck was that I just come out straight to the Holocaust in an arena right and I ate my ass I died I bombed in an arena I'm talking bomb come on if you listen to this podcast people think you just bomb 100% of the time well hold on call in if you were at the mall arena there's good chances Wednesday night I ate shit and then I here's how you know you bomb I get off and everybody goes it's Wednesday you know these aren't the real fans they came out to this show they kind of you know they papered it

they don't even know who Bert is and so you're like oh they're consoling me I knew it I bombed and bombing an arena is quiet oh yeah it hurts I've done I did the massive square garden I tell the story the guy in the front top I was like that guy gets it yes yes it's brutal so I went from cloud 12 to you know gulag death camp I'm just like oh what have I done and give us his chugging beers with football players and these hot girls are running around I was like I blew it so it was it was rough so then I ended up getting way too drunk that night we stay up till six in the morning in the hot tub going nuts I was like

Kramer with the poker game like I know like you got a show tomorrow I'm like look at these two beauties you look scared and so the next day I just get a set together pull out every hot joke you got blah blah blah but great next shows are all great Bert this is what's cool about Bert he he goes the extra mile when I woke up the next morning I'm hung over there's a chiropractor a masseuse a stylist a breakfast guy like a breakfast bar maker in the living like these people are all out there and you just go pick what you want to do wow I didn't see the stylist I take it now no stylist I go fuck that what's up with this

chiropractor it's like a hot blonde lady she's in scrubs and she's like I'll crack your neck he high he goes the extra mile he hires these people just so you're comfortable that's very nice it's very nice so I go hit the breakfast bar there's already breakfast made it's all taken care of this lady's got the the living room pushed all the furniture out and she's got the table love a table with the hole with the face at the face hole so I go I got a neck thing I've been flying this and that I'm all cricked I'm cracked and she goes oh I got you ever been to a cabra I'm a little nervous I don't like the no no no so she

goes I got you I got you and she's so gentle and she's kind of hot and you're looking up at her and she's like what what times the show do I like that and she just snaps me geez and they're not doctors you know is that right yeah that's what I heard just recently oh boy no doctrine oh no yeah Cosby yes it's like Bob Sacramento yes yes exactly so my neck went pop pop pop it must have popped four times and they skate they surprise you because they know you'll you'll flinch if they know it's coming so they do it on two they go one two so then I go oh my god and it feels so weird but then it felt good and then she

goes there's more left and I go I think I'm done this is a lot and then she just does it again the other side pops whatever then I got a massage then I hit the drinking again but I had the set ready and the rest of the shows were great and the NFL players come in the green room I know I saw Christian McCaffrey was there yeah for he's sexy and you you understand women you're getting turned on these guys they're all six six seven six eight ten five whatever they are and they're all like hot black guys with giant traps and you throw them a beer and they drink it in four seconds and they get you in a

headlock and you it's like a little brother you're like please take me everywhere like me pick me up you know yes you just wanted to fuck your wife in front of you for a couple days I get cooking now yes yeah so you know and Shane's like that's a chief that's a bills that's a giant whatever and I'm like whoa it's like it's like baseball cards in front of you and then he goes to having a party tonight we should go like a seikwan Barkley yes yeah that guy's having a party so we go we get hammered we go all the way out to this mansion in the burbs mansion like out of cribs is all these crazy cars outside we

go in we're Shane's and sweatpants and a t-shirt and an Eagles hat and they all know him they know him yeah and I'm I'm an idiot I'm wearing like a polo and like a book bag but do they know him personally no no they know his comment I think three of them are like oh that's Shane Gillis and we brought Bert and he was shit-faced they all do Bert right it's a celebrity wow so but you feel like you're in high school again I feel like the biggest nerd with the whitest guys there with the smallest guy was the shortest guy by a foot and every woman is decked out it's so craved Lamborghinis with the doors up in the front

lawn big fountain you know and they're all so cool they're wearing wacky outfits and orange sneakers and dreadlocks and all this shit giant watches with diamonds on them and me and shader on the dance floor like you know but they're all like hello these guys and you bump into one guy you're like I'm so sorry don't hurt me I'll blow you whatever it is and it's crazy it's a wild scene wow and they're all in town for the Super Bowl they want to go wow listen who was at the Super Bowl they did the Jumbotron I don't want to jump ahead but it was like there's Elon Musk there's Kevin Hart there's Bradley

Cooper it was like the who's who of who's gay wow Elon Musk see him in person like he's there he's like a over there was weird the thing about celebrities is that they're people they're people they're just hanging out there they're taking shits and farting and whatever sniffing glue exactly so the next night now it's Friday night and Shane is in the know and he goes there's a Drake concert he's doing one but then he's doing a private show I think I can get us in I was like Drake ah this is all too hip I'm 39 that's a hard pass for me well Drake coffee cakes tour love the Drake but when's it last that was the

next time you're gonna see the Drake well I had this in Dublin years ago when I saw the redheaded guy what's his name Bill Burr no who's the guitar guy you probably listen to his albums while you watch Star Wars what is Ed Sheeran Ed Sheeran yes yeah but Chuck had it Chuck knew it he's huge I saw Ed Sheeran it was I told the story then but it was a private invite thing that's big it was like 75 people literally and I went and I was all jet-lagged and gay and I was like okay great and then I left it was like a thousand screaming girls yes and I asked I was like can I give my wristband to one of these oh they would

yeah in exchange for a blowjob and they said no you can't exchange and you can't fuck teenagers ah double whammy but but yeah so I get I get the thing of like we got to go so I'm getting soaked thinking about Ed Sheeran I know you're gonna fall off your chair but what was he good it's not my cup he played a thing and he's like love is whatever I love is fun or whatever girls are cute all that shit so love is a burning thing but again we go to this party it's in an airplane hangar outside of field play like a half hour out and everybody's hip it's everybody's hot everybody's cool and you realize like this is really

important to people being cool yes I don't give a shit I'm old I'm doing comedy I'm married I'm I can't get it up these guys is a barricade out there and they're like please let me in please like this means the world to them yes guys with clipboards going hey sorry whore we don't know what you're you're doing here and all this and they're all smoke shows but that makes you cool that's what all these people don't get not caring is cool I guess outside and close you can't afford going but I want to go in there uncool that's uncool but but if you put me and that guy next to each other with the crazy diamond necklace and the

whatever pants down to here he would pick him a hundred percent of the time I suppose but I hear you so eventually these football players get in and we're kind of like you realize like we have no pull we're no bodies like sure we just made 10,000 people laugh but that doesn't matter in the grand scheme it matters to me but I agree I know you then you see in the distance a hand a giant hand come out and he's like I got you two in and he gets me a chain in and we're in now now we're on the grounds we get some drinks and we go to the middle and it's all these good-looking people these hip people it means the world to

them to be in and you just see a circle in the middle as he's in the round and he comes out he's like hey everybody I'm Drake I'm drunk I'm cool you guys want to be me and they're all like and these women would just they would give their uterus to blow this guy that's what's so weird these guys get like Mary I don't know if Drake is married I wouldn't know Drake if he walked in here and kissed me on the ass but yeah is he married like this yeah okay I know I find that strange too that's why I'm married because nobody wants to fuck me on the planet exactly I disagree I think we get checked to fuck you yeah I think so I

don't know he's mad about the Star Wars I think well somebody's gonna watch it what can you do all right so we go to Drake it's fun whatever finally we do all the shows it's all killer Bert murders we get out of there every night's different food great whatever hot tub Guy Fieri shows up to do something's burning hmm that was burning his Bert show got to meet Guy Fieri got to meet all these NFL players just just a great time so now it's a Super Bowl day now thank God the Super Bowls at four you can sleep in a little you can take a breather we go to the Super Bowl and big J goes I got shrooms and I go well I'm

not the biggest football guy so hand those over to me the idea of doing shrooms when my team is in the Super Bowl is like baffling well he didn't want to do them oh okay so I took him he had some it didn't do yeah some guy some fan handed off to he's like I'm I don't know what psycho would take these and I go huh and I've already eaten him by then because watching you're the Patriots in the Super Bowl on mushrooms that's the worst thing I can imagine well we got some great seats and I felt bad because these seats are I'm not gonna say how much they were but I know the number and it ain't pretty it's more it's almost as

much as those eggs I'm gonna say 15 grand a seat more wow I saw the seats you sent me a photo those were honeys those were sweeties 45 yard line I think row 20 wow yeah cuz I started to text boy those are the best seats you can get or something like that but then I was like oh well this doesn't read as a joke and then you'll be like no they're pretty good I didn't want to have that weird I know it was a joke yeah those are something those are real peach you died went to heaven lunch right there and you know birdie pulls in the hot dogs and you never have to worry about it like should we get a hot dog he just brings

you 12 hot dogs and nine beers and four white claws so I pop the shrooms and I'm drinking I'm drinking the football game is amazing they show the celebrities great time but when that fucking halftime show hit with Rihanna up there I was like ah cuz you're already an hour in you know it looked like I was watching Super Mario Brothers live that I'm like is she pregnant the whole thing well I thought she thought it's gonna be the most elaborate abortion of all time it was banana she's up there all those white things ran out you know like oh the lights are going Elon Musk is winking at me I look at Gillis he's going haha and

I was like ah it was too much because that's the thing that's weird cuz I'm like normally at a game at halftime you're like all right let's go stretch let's get a beer let's yeah other but you got to stick around for the halftime show that's a big deal big deal on the shrooms and it was a great game you know like the Eagles were the Eagles scored like the first play right they got like a touchdown immediately and I were you know Gilson and Jay are like we got this this is over and the Eagles were I think what do you call it set to win favorites favorites thank you only by a point and a half I think ah okay but my

homes is a real cutie something something up his ass yeah I really like him a lot but apparently there's a bad call I don't know what the hell's going on but crazy very anti-climactic but amazing game I take me through like the beginning on like the morning of is everyone pumped and going crazy and yeah the morning was a head over there what's the security like what's the vibes and their celebrities sitting near you I soon celebrities have boxes they're all in boxes they show Kevin Hart you know he's up there dancing in his box in his Eagles jersey and I was like is that weird that you you know you're here

because we're in regular seats I mean they're great seats but they're regular and he's like that's crazy because that's probably like a couple million yes to be in that and so yeah that's a good point all right and it was just mayhem getting in but Guy Fieri he goes you guys are coming to the Super Bowl be my private guest come to Flavortown so we get to the game and it's just mayhem with the cars and the barricades and the scanning and the tickets we slide in the Flavortown it's open bar it's free food he goes up on stage he brings Bert up on stage he's got his own private stage and people spend millions on

this thing this is their whole life coming out here right so Flavortown was amazing we like you could sit out and take a breather this is a restaurant Flavortown in the stadium it's like next to the stadium it's a big patch of whatever that's covered in by fences and it's got a stage it's got a bar it's got cornhole it's like a nice little uh what's that called the desert Mirage not Mirage cactus with the euphoric kind of Oasis thank you great band so Wonderwall I like them yeah but yeah so we had to Flavortown and then from Flavortown you got a little tunnel into the into the

building wow so we had a little hookup and I got a I feel bad I've been making fun of Guy Fieri for like 20 years he's the coolest guys the nicest guy he was a giving guy he was a funny guy I know so little about Guy Fieri fun guy I take so much pride in not knowing shit but that one is time I'm like this what's he like what's he do but he's got the flames on the shade everything he's everything a comic shouldn't be he's got the spiky yellow hair with the sunglass wrapped around the back of the neck and you go what are you doing asshole he's got a pinky ring and where's he from I want to say Florida

that feels flooring Cleveland something maybe midway I don't know but he's a cool cat and he's a cocky fun-loving confident guy he walked up and something's burning goes here you go give us all cigars for even hello to us wow and then I went and he goes give me that and he let it for me he's like a man yeah yeah so whatever we go to Flavortown he's up on stage with Diplo or machine gun queefy whatever these guys are called and they're all hip I don't know this world no it's a crazy world I like Larry David and I think Woody Allen's innocent you know I'm in another planet with these guys yeah yeah yeah so we go to the

game the seats are great it just getting through those bowels is always a bitch yeah the bowel because then you got to find you okay we're 24 a you know and you got to find all that signage and everybody's it's like cattle calling there so finally just get the seats and it's just a great game and you can feel it and he's just like yeah okay even it's not a sports guy that the vibes in there the energy it's like Coliseum shit now do you have to root for the Eagles because you're with Shane and Jay are they flipping out and all serious and crazy yeah yeah so I felt like yeah and I'll just be a part of the group yeah

because I don't have a dog in the fight and I don't want to be the guy going all right come on chiefs you know I don't be that guy either well there's nothing worse than that when you're rooting for your team and so this is why I watched Super Bowl alone when the Patriots are in it because there's someone being like oh yeah but you're not even from the town exactly being mean to me right right so you got to go along got to go along and mind you this is five days the fifth day of mayhem so I'm a little like I'm road hard and put away wet so I'm taking the shrooms just to be like maybe I'll drink a little less

and do some psychedelics sure and it was just a great time and when they lost it was pretty it was pretty ugly like Shane was like this sucks let's get out of here right real sad it's not like oh I was like hang your head let's go yeah been there yeah it was tough that's gets hard about sports it's hard to invest because you you feel loss it's devastating yeah no it's like devastating genuine heartbreak yeah over and over again right so close and you know how much I mean forget about the players right how they must feel oh my god they've been in the other the things that training camps in August or

whatever the fuck but yeah it's it's it's painful because you want those bragging rights you're almost there and it was such an anticlimactic it was such a it was very strange I was one of what was like being there because we were going crazy and you know me I'm always like this is the best super ball ever are you kidding me and I'm elbowing my neck the whole thing and then it ends in the way that was like yeah yeah all right yeah then it's just over and you're like all that it's like Christmas yeah all that build up then that's such as bunch of paper and cheap shit so when you guys what do you do after do you

leave right away do you watch the trophies and you can't hang out for the trophy ceremony the team lost no trophy got the hell out of there and you get why people fight because the chiefs are out there like we're the Kings were the best you know and there they're pushing people out of the way they're high five people and you're like you're pushing Philly people right now in Philly people flew here they spent their whole life savings and now they're you're you're pushing them around so I get why Philly flips out also the whole time Gilles and big dear show me videos of Philly really just like a guy punching a horse and

eating dog shit and you know whatever fighting a cop and you're like oh that's fun and we got out of there and one guy that's a mayhem one guy goes Turkish guy's like uba uba five hundred dollar take you anywhere and Bert's like let's do it I'm like what are you crazy and then he lectures me on how I need to be better with money and he's like I have a lot of money five dollars is nothing to me I can do this I was like all right all right so I felt with the eggs yes yes the eggs they're good for you and so we get the hell out of there we go straight to a bar and just drink it away wow and then we got recognized too many times so

we left but then I drank it home 5 a.m. pickup hardest flight of my life now now this is a whole nother saga but we got to change it so I want to hear more of the big saga saga or agarwal ladies and gentlemen Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by athletic greens remembering to take a bunch of different supplements can be a pain AG won by athletic greens makes it simple just scoop shake and have a long side your breakfast that's it I love this stuff this stuff they sent it to me a lot of times we get sent stuff I just put it in the corner put it in the basket put it in the cabinet didn't think anything of

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got run on just getting the news with the Walgreens here so he's blowing me up about like oh my god we got to get out of here I don't know where to start I got quite a bit of weird shit all over the place but I think we got a couple of minutes hey Chuckster I mean I'm all over the play I mean I first of all I just got back from one of the craziest grandest wildest trips of my life I went to Key West Wow for five days we shot a movie about Tom Dustin which I'm very excited I love the idea I'm excited about the idea but the idea in my ass we could use a sound clip what do you think about Tom Dustin I love Tommy D one of

the funniest guys I ever met the most Boston guy on the planet and you just take the most Boston guy and you shove his drunk ass right into the keys of Florida and he's running a comedy club he's got a parrot on his shoulder he's Jimmy Buffett if he was funny it's pretty funny all right I needed something the weather is here I wish you were beautiful that's pretty good the weather is here I wish you were beautiful that's not bad that's as good as anything Tom's got I never caught that that's not exactly a hit Jimmy but anyways no no Tom's the best so we go down there and I fucked Salak use right

in the ass I gotta tell you I don't know he maybe reached out to you he likes it I'm always afraid he's texting you being like this is a piece of shit I am the guy I have that from other people for not him but so wait who says I'm joking geez mostly Chuck may may hates me no she likes you all right other people boy now I'm joking keep going Sam no no no it's run on okay but anyways he doesn't have Sarah so I get down there and you know you're all confused I'm flying to Atlanta for shooting this documentary I got my pal Patrick Holbert I think it's a Tuesday hey Tuesday he shot us one time out in Long Island it's all pipes great

guy I got him and Sally because I've hired them I'm shooting a film yet directing I got two self-funded projects going on at the same time what's the money my specials in a week they had a gay porn shooting a special hand to film please subscribe to my YouTube I'm gonna need you because I'm taking a bath on these projects got that so I hire these guys I fly them down the whole thing and I fly to Atlanta Atlanta to Key West which by the way speaking of Guy Fury Salak use had a photo shoot with them that paid $750,000 and he canceled to come do my video project oh you fucked up Sally it wasn't

shy about reminding me I'll tell you that's what he does every three text he's like I'm turning down 50 million I turned down 100 million could have been very could have been in Flavortown I mean it's wild I'm like I'm sorry what do you want me to do I'll tell you I'll get a new guy no no no I'm coming I'm going to know that it's costing me $75,000 let you know so I look at my thing he's getting down there he's flying he gets in a Key West at like 2 p.m. okay good timing I'm getting it at 4 p.m. so I was like here's the I'll meet you there whatever the fuck so I look at my thing you know sometimes you get confused

you're crazy you're everyone's you're all over the map and I'm looking I fly to Atlanta I get to Atlanta to I leave Atlanta to 17 or something but he goes what time are you getting in again and I look and I go you're gonna get to I get into 17 just wait for me oh that that that hurts but I fucked up because Jalen hurts to 17 was the arrival time of my first my flight to Atlanta yeah I had my time my wires got crossed was a double fucking so I told him just wait for me oh then I fly from Atlanta to Key West and I always get the Wi-Fi I like to be okay in case you know I'm getting canceled or my wife dies I'm shocked

because you seem a non-anti-phone well I I do a good job not looking at my phone on the flight but I get the Wi-Fi just in case I'm getting text okay you never know what's gonna change whatever you know what the Africa lady flight but exactly but on this flight I go I don't need the Wi-Fi I've done all the work I need to do so I get no Wi-Fi because it's only what is an hour and 45 what can happen so I'm sitting there I land and I turn the airplane mode off and I got a text from Salicus that says hey is your flight delayed or something and I go wait what's going on I go for and then I had the memory of telling him 2 p.m. I

look it's 4 30 p.m. Salicus has been sitting at arrivals for two and a half hours and you've been to the airport I've been the airport is the size of this there's literally nothing there's nothing there no snack bar no lounge you got no damn lounge for sure there's departures has a little bar okay arrivals where he is nothing meanwhile he's been filming every flight that gets off he just shoots everybody because it's you he thinks it's gonna be me but it's not it's like a girl waiting for the Beatles in the 60s yes so we he's got like three hours of footage of just Florida assholes getting off looking at him like

what the fuck you're filming b-roll yeah he's got some b-roll so finally I get there and things we are like you're the boss of the project and I have just fucked my employee and I go you've just been sitting there he goes right there he's got a pile of luggage I could have been on the beach with a my tie hanging out with Fieri and it's just a plastic chair it's like an orange plastic chair from third grade yes sitting on it oh he's 61 years old he had a spring chicken I know but he's such a sweet man he goes don't worry about it all good he's a horse so you know he just he doesn't care he's just like yeah don't worry about

it so I'm like great in this guy great soldier it's Salak use if I had he's not physically imposing but I'd hire this guy to do anything oh he's got a knife on him too he's got a knife he's got mace I mean he's on his knees in the middle of the road with like trucks going yes yeah he's walking up to biker gangs being like yeah your signs at me he's got balls this guy it's crazy homeless people like I mean like I'm like hiding in the bushes and he's got the camera right in there oh yeah why you're homeless he's a hero this guy I mean he really we really bonded he's what you want on your battalion like if

you're going in to do some damage he's gonna stand right there and die with the ship great use of battalion that was good I've been sitting on battalion for six months I haven't heard battalion in a conversation since 85 when I had those little green plastic guys yes yes Italian battalion but anyway Salak use sorry I left you waiting there sorry about Guy Fieri but he knocks another park and Tom you're always because is he gonna be open is he gonna be fun is he gonna be nervous Tom embraced being the subject of this film and he was touched by it and we got some great stuff I love it we shot some of the

shows the shows were all killer and that Holbert he got all fucked up his travel was crazy to drive down from Miami got in at like two in the morning three in the morning can you drive there he flew to Miami and drove wow and he got in like three thirty in the morning the next day like 8 a.m. he's like hey I'm up and ready to go what an animal troopers I love it and there's no union it's just me so I had to keep it like you guys need to sleep you need to eat and they're like don't wait we'll sleep when we're dead although there's kind of guys I love it very fun and Key West was just amazing I took notes I don't even

know let me just say one thing about Salak use for you while you while you Google or whatever so I was at my wedding and we had this big photo shoot that we were supposed to I was hungover I blew it I drink too much and it was supposed to be me pouring champagne with the lady in the French Quarter you know nice little photo op and I forgot the champagne and I'm hungover and it's like noon and the Sun's beaten down and I go Salak use I'm hiding behind a dumpster Salak use bring me some champagne I fucked up I'm at a tuxedo we're in towels here and he goes I got you he just showed up 20 minutes later with a

bottle of champagne he goes hey you forgot this and I was like what a guy and I gave money wouldn't take it he found the champagne he got it there it was amazing he's a good man and they were just a great crew and it was such a thrill running and gunning and shooting all this stuff gorilla and we're doing gorilla style filmmaking and Key West is a character in the movies so we got to try to get everybody and all the characters and stuff and Tom's telling all the stories of the character and you know about Bushman and Key West I don't know Bush Bush man he's the guy that high he has too big like palm tree leaves

okay and he hides and then when people with tourists walk by he goes he's an old crazy he's a cook really yeah yeah but I had heard he'd been arrested and that's all these stories of bush man and he's like such a character that like we need bush man yeah you got in the film of course he's the mayor so I go I know bush man don't worry I know where he hangs out so we're there Thursday through I was there Thursday the Wednesday but Salak use leaves Monday morning I had to leave Sunday morning so we're there the whole time the whole time we're looking for bushman we're filming time all the stuff

but we keep missing bush man where's bush man we're asking everybody and the bush women where's bush man so we never find them so finally the end of the production now where we've wrapped but we've keep wrapping yes wrap but then Drake Salak use keeps having his camera so he's like his keeps shooting more cuz Tom is one of these guys he's magnanimous you can't take your dick off him you just want to be filming all the time as soon as with the cameras now he starts telling another story of course and that's the whole idea is he's just always telling stories I love that he embraced it too because we all know

how projects can be a big thing in your head then when you shoot it you're like that's not really coming together or whatever but the fact that he took it and grabbed it by the sack is great well he embraced it he was so open about his his life and his father and his mental health and his drinking and his the show it was just tremendous we got to not fuck it up now we got a sure together and I think we're gonna do a good job that made Tommy I think it could be like a comedy cult classic amongst comedy yes so excited for this film I'm pumped I'm gonna try to premiere it at Skankfest movie theaters I love it don't miss it

this year I'll be there so very excited about it but anyways so we're on this loose we're looking for bush man everywhere yeah we just want a piece of it just to have him in there you gotta have it there's so many references so Sunday night we wrap up the filming is over Patrick's already gone we're sitting there I'm dying mmm and we're just hanging that back porch you've been there a little back tiki bar oh yeah I love that spot and we're hanging I teach the guys how to play scat which is fun Salak use is fun he's up for anything he really is and it's great that's the beauty of Key West is shit slows down

when are you sitting around New York playing cards it's the best I a Key West I could live there by the way Ari came down I'll get in that later he wants to move there oh it's a special place he really he loved it which is you're nervous because I convinced him to come of course come down every year I'm like you should come you're gonna love it and him and his boyfriend just really want to move there so oh yeah boyfriend yeah it's a whole thing I supposed to say boyfriend okay you don't know about the boy I don't know about the boyfriend oh well all right we'll talk you're a bad friend apparently maybe I'm bad boyfriend

don't worry Salak you tonight talked about it but so we're hanging out trashing you playing cards and then Tom's roommate or names uh I'll think of it in a second it's like Carmen San Diego different guy no this is a woman oh I don't know the lady it was a guy when I wait maybe they transitioned yeah there's a few people it's like Nina it sounds Spanish she what's one of those names Santa Maria Carmen Diego oh wait no I know it what's the who's the explorer Dora Dora he's got for you oh that's a classic that was a real spitter yeah we got that right the lafasaurus so we're sitting there we

got our feet up the end of the end of the trip Salak use is leaving at 5 a.m. the next day and Dora comes home yes yes and we go yeah it's too bad you know we just couldn't get bush man I go you know what we could probably do is get some YouTube stock footage it's not the same but we'll put it in there she goes bush man I just saw him he just scared the fuck out of me and we all go let's go we gotta get bush man so we grab the camera and the thing and and Salak uses us he's ready he's got his suit on he goes take us to him yes yes the bush so Tom goes I'll go and Dora leads and we all go down there and we

get bush man he jumps out he scares Tom and Tom goes what's up guy how you though Salak use is perfect right in there we got the bush man oh I love it now did Salak use go shit I forgot to put film in the camera no but all right right what about a good guy he's not really a gag guy good we don't need any more gags too many guys I love gags it's a lot of gags gag order the eagles gagged yeah it's a city queefs but anyways then Ari came down and that was great we rode all around the town and just a beautiful trip it's hard to leave it really is hard to leave but you got a good seven days in there six days I

was there for a week yeah it was fun and then I gotta go Wednesday night I hang out as long as I can I head to Denver well that's a tough one well it felt tough on paper I had to be there early for I was flying there Wednesday you don't want to fuck with shows and then radio Thursday even though we sold out every show I hate this radio it was a little annoying but man fly from Key West to Atlanta Atlanta to Denver then rent a car everything worked out per travel good for you because when it works you got to be grateful I was so grateful just Atlanta bang Atlanta to Denver then I'm like okay now I got a

rent a car I'm fucked this is gonna take forever shuttle it's a 1 a.m. I walk out I see the shuttle I come sprinting in I jump on the shuttle they take me right to the car get the car easy peasy easy Matt Wayne comes in the next day and I want to kick it back to you because I know you got a bunch of crazy stuff but I just gotta say Denver comedy works I love you it's I want to suck off the whole staff the nicest staff yeah love you done Tanya was there I felt back as Matt Wayne is there he's not drinking I don't drink and then we were ordering food from the nice restaurant so we didn't order a single

thing but she was great I gotta give a shout out to Josh who sold my merch he loves it he's like I love selling merch I'll do it he did all of it wow we need more of this guy yeah he was amazing I gave him about seven thousand bucks and all righty but I think I'm not bad we added a show that show almost sold out it was unbelievable I've ever sold all the shows before going there so thank you Denver as a peach and then I had one quick thing that was crazy hit me I hope this is okay to talk about because I don't know if this lady remembers this but I got I got sexually assaulted hey it was pretty cool all right join the

club yeah so I do the show and you know there's a bunch of Tuesdays there and then there are girlfriends or wives hmm and hot crowds I mean just the hottest crowd ever one of the best club the cunt so I'm doing a meet and greet and then this couple comes up it's a very sexy woman and a guy leaves a little bit he's a Denver six yeah exactly so they walk up and she goes okay we got something planned we have we have something get ready you ready honey and I go what is this plan this is she goes yeah we got a whole thing we do with poppy and so she goes okay get behind him and I thought it was like a prom

style photo I'm up for things sure things so I kind of stood like this and he gets behind me I thought it was gonna be the prom photo yeah and then she gets down on her knees and pretends to suck me off okay but the hand you know the cup and the seahand yes yes the the claw which by the way mine could be closed up yeah totally the second knuckle but yeah we don't need to leave it on open but anyway she's got the sea and she's doing this but the back hand the rim of the sea is hitting is right on my dick oh rim the dick and I haven't had a woman on her knees in front of me since my mother when I got an A in fifth grade

sure she's very generous so she's doing this like that she's like are you pretending to fuck him like he's supposed to fuck me in the ass yes yes but I'm like this is insane I got a lady's finger on my dick wow below me a very attractive lady and I think he was just kind of like I'm sorry this is crazy yeah yeah and I think he was supposed to fuck me but he didn't wow I didn't feel anything but I wonder if she could feel the firmness of your hog well she did she felt it moving around oh yeah it didn't spring up like a light switch but it was definitely like kind of squiggling is that a cinnamon bun I smell it was a

real squiggly situation I'm getting nervous because I'm a nervous Nelly and she's pretending to suck me off and I go okay well that's a wrap we got the photos bunch of photos he posted on Instagram so I think I'm okay to tell the story yeah you're fine sure she loves this but then sorry everybody whoa I don't feel that one took a right turn yeah so then she gets up and goes at your list you rule then pulls out a titty oh and did a real flicky like she's strummed the old news is broad she was like did this is wild did I get like she abused it a little and Jenny McCarthy and it's me and Matt Wayne and the photographer kid

who soiled him so he just started urinating like that guy and unforgiven he didn't get it you idiot damn we should have salad cubes in there he would have gotten right up on that nip good blue it odd dishes I just remember dishes that miscarriage so it is good stitches she flicked the nip and it was a tremendous nip and then you gotta watch you've been there you gotta watch and walk up the stairs like you just see their feet disappear and the whole line of meet and greets the photographer and Matt Wayne the MC we're all like that was insane wow I love the tit out and then Sarah made me laugh because she's

like I just picture the couple in the car being like I think that went well I think it was pretty good I did that we did the blowjob and my tit but anyways thank you shout out to the lovely couple yes you got a little keeper there oh yeah fun gal and ladies I mean I know it's it's a large ask in a big order but tall order but if you show a tit it's nothing off your ass and it makes the world a better place to live in yeah certainly certainly does I'm dying I just coughed up egg shit chicken of the egg yeah I had a lady whip a tit out in San Jose and we're all like whoa oh my god and it just we talked about it for

like three days after like remember the tit that was something I'm still thinking about it love it and this lady this is not some moose this was like she's like a 12 this is like the hottest woman I ever saw I ain't kidding this was a real smoker you said they posted a photo can we see that later it was on his instastory so I said I want to see this moose I went too long I got more but you got more we got a lot let me just let me just say this and we'll wrap this puppy right in the dick by the way mark's gonna go to the airport I saw another post being like Joe always wants to wrap it up he's a cunt he's got his

bags packed we have other shit to do he's leaving I'm leaving but you know we tried to get one in for you queefs I know I got I get all the flak I'm dying over here I got a case of AIDS a flat it's 9 o'clock in the morning mark is gonna miss a flight for sure all right so leaving the Super Bowl drunk all day shrooms all day get to the airport at 515 for us 730 flights that's good for you very good for me but the airport after the Super Bowl it's it's beyond mayhem like people say it's grand so this is Grand Central Station on 911 that's what the airport was like and I go you know what I took a little jizz out

of your sperm cup and I go this been a wild weekend I took 10 years off my life let me buy the first class I like it I'm doing Phoenix to Denver Denver home I'm the big Denver home is the the the meat of it sure let me buy first class and it wasn't that expensive I said fuck it it's a long flight you have no sleep get it get a lay down in there so I go all right I bought it whatever so now I'm cracked out on the way to the airport at 5 in the morning and I'm like let me check in better check in nothing's there I gots weird I have because I got the email I what kind of meal do you want I got the email like way to go first class look at

you taking care of yourself you're doing better in life you're growing up but I was like all right all right so I get to the airport and I go let me print out my ticket see agent you never want that so then I go all right so I go up to the lady and it's mayhem and it's wild I've said mayhem 38 times but I go up to the lady and she goes uh how you doing I go I bought a first class ticket we're all just cracked out and she goes I have nothing for you and I go I bought the ticket I got the receipts and I had it all ready to go and I go look even they asked me what meal I wanted I picked a frittata that she was like oh that is

weird no frittata show her all the receipts and she goes I don't know what to do here so they bring in the other guy and he's like he's like I don't know what this is you got the receipts there's no there's no seat there's no flight and I go well I bought a flight you charged me I need to go home and I have a set tonight at seven doing an hour at the fat black and they were like sorry what the fuck and I'm like this is crazy right like and I go I'm gonna tweet about you guys and all this shit I turned into like Karen over here yeah or Sam or Sam and they go all right here's what we're gonna do we're

gonna get you on that plane but it ain't gonna be first class I paid for first class and they go yeah they gave that away there was a glitch a glitch they upgraded some asshole I guess so so I go where am I sitting now and they go there's only one seat left 45th row middle I swear to God so now I mean I go what are you crazy they're like I know we're so sorry and I'm like what do you mean sorry you got to give me something you got to blow me you know pat my ass a little bit give me a nipple a flick a circle Denver so they go well we'll see but you got to talk to the agent at the gate you better hurry

so I go all through whatever I talked to that he doesn't care he doesn't know about my situation so I got to explain the whole thing to him and he goes says here 45 be and I'm like but I had a first class he's like I don't know what the hell you're talking about so I had to suck it up when I flew 45 be they must have given you a voucher no voucher oh come on nothing Dr. Vouchie yeah they both lied I'm fucked and I flew home that was it that's brutal I tried I tried I'll never buy first class again no that's crazy so you got to buy it earlier as you think I guess but I mean a glitch I don't care for

the glitch here that United suck it son of a glitch ah the reveal what United well it's a major airline no it stinks every time you gotta go Delta all Delta I guess I gotta go Delta all Delta all the time greatest company ever to get the chicks with the purple I shouldn't say chicks that's you know the cunts with the purple there you go the flight at the stewardess yeah purple gun stewardess all right well I had to get that out but I got home but man I wanted to kill myself and you're so helpless you're like I got the receipts are like yeah that's it sorry you wanna get on the plane or what no you don't you go all

right fuck you I'm getting in the plane you gotta get the fuck out of here I got what do I got what day does come out the 28th go see this guy sell it out this week Thursday two days from now Chicago there's a few tickets left Park West Theater and so come to that that's this Thursday night if you're not doing anything please come to the show April 15th Wilbur theater there's some tickets left for that March 31st April 1st Salt Lake City I gotta fill that one up they're paying me a assload of money which I appreciate so please buy those tickets and then subscribe to my YouTube I got the movie coming out in a few

months I got the special coming out in a couple months so please that's the most important thing you can do hit that YouTube subscribe and all my dates are comedian Joe list dot com here here and just remember for this guy's put on an hour every year for the past three years plus content plus clips plus sketches plus he's shooting a doc reward this guy in podcast I'm gonna be all over the place I'm shooting the special on the 17th and 18th of March I don't know when this comes out okay that's already over no it isn't alright so Toledo Dayton you got a theater tour announcing in the end going Australia again England all kinds

of fun stuff so Oxnard in LA or California come on out say hello mark Norman comedy dot com get a mug get a shirt we'll see in hell chuck oh yeah if you want to check out my podcast fun variable go to fun variable pod dot com a lot of fun Mark and Joe have been on and pinned at the top of the page right now is our is our episode with Kevin Ryan from are you garbage he tells the whole story where it's you know he his wife basically let her let him borrow the her last ten thousand dollars to start are you garbage wow it was like a it was like a you know Hail Mary play it worked out but he was awesome he had we

had an awesome time with him so check it out fun variable pod dot com that's amazing yeah well done check out those guys and then we have a live pod that's a couple weeks sold out sold out a while ago I can't wait I had a couple people hit me up if you show up to a theater there's always ten people didn't show so I bet you can get in I don't want to make any promises did you guys figure out the guest yet yes yeah we got guests big I know I know one big fat guests yes both them pretty chunky yeah wow that's well one's getting in really good shape though is he I think but maybe it's changed I don't know he looked like hell okay all

right you gotta come by to see I got out of the wheelchair at least so that's good but yeah come on by we'll see him Grammar see we'll see in Chicago both of us we got shit on YouTube coming your own hair yes yes