Tuesdays with Stories! - #493 B.O.-a Constrictor

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

The boys are having a kooky week, everybody! First, Mark is stuck in the  sky dealing with insufferable B.O. from a plane neighbor! B.O.? P.U.! Mark  hangs with his niece and gets to be Mister Bigshot - until he can't  beat her in chess! Joe goes to see Cocaine Bear with Raanan Hershberg  and Andrew Schiavone, and it's up to Jojo to punk some youths on the  street! Finally - Joseph takes "the kids" to a basketball game and the  legend of Funcle Joe continues to grow! Our Stuff:  - patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   Sponsors:  - Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self. - Visit http://www.liquidIV.com and use code TUESDAYS. - Support the show and get up to 33% off some sweet new metal art with the code TUESDAYS at https://displate.com/tuesdayswithstories?art=624740987334c

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me hey folks old technical diff but we're here we're queer we're back and we're fat we're fat we're gay and yeah we had some technical difficulties Chuck committed suicide

again so we got big Rup you're welcome in his place Rupert is here and we had some mix that we had the cords look like Christmas vacation Christmas lights dingle dangle dungle out there a dongle that's a funny thing I just got texted by Mariano dongo oh really love the dongo hey dongo dungarees I hate this you get a text that says you in the city right now all right yeah podcasting never mind I'll hit you up another time but he's a filmmaker so I'm like oh what if I he was shooting back to future seven they need you yeah you got to go back to the future by the way so I got a lingering jizz I hate the linger I hate

a linger jizz I'd rather be sick when you're sick you're like you can cancel stuff you sit home you watch movies anything you do is bonus but when you got the linger now I'm 100% I'm walking around I'm doing shit but I got the whoo now you're that guy and everybody hates you you have to let it linger I had a cough fit on the plane the other day and I was like I'm sorry everybody was doing this one and you just it's it's like Theo Vaughn's joke coughing is the new n-word yeah they hate they hate us and but a lot of times it's a throat clear I just have a little yeah but the best way to get it out is like a yeah

you got to jostle it yes you need enough torque to really get that come off your hangie ball yes exactly I got come on my hangie ball and how often does that happen I because I I've gotten blown a couple times in my life sure I remember doing it yeah and you shoot a hotline because when you jerk off we're supposed to be clean the first minute I think for the algorithm we made about 48 seconds yeah but when you jerk sometimes I jerk off it just shoots right over my head oh those are the best so if a mouth was on that bad hangie balls getting right the clown's mouth you know yes you're being you win a prize yes well the

prize is a new boyfriend well you know or a son but I guess not in the mouth but yeah mouth can't get pregnant David tell album yes but my lady always does the thing where I shoot it and it you know I'm down here and I shoot it up and it I got one that goes here just some rogue very ambitious jizz and she was goes that would have gotten me pregnant that's the one oh you're right you're right that we shot it off to your tits you lazy cook but I think you get pregnant just from a spill that's what's so crazy about pregnancy is that just a little precom you can impregnate I know and then other times you know if your

wife's in her 60s you could blast everything in there and she ain't getting nothing not a thing paint the walls Jerry yeah come is a fun thing to drink sure your precom Rupa you're making me nervous you keep putting the headphones back on we're okay I see yeah I got you it's very taught we got a lot of wires it's a rats nest of cords and wires and semen a lot of stuff going on it's great to see I'm gonna I gotta keep it tight I got a hot therapy appointment we started about 30 minutes late because the cords were all we blame Chuck according to Jim yeah did you say that I said it a couple times we're doing this

yeah it's in my head don't worry it was off air they never heard me you yeah I got a lot to get into it get it girl you want to you want me to just dive right in your asshole and start looking around with a with a miner's light just dive yeah yeah I mean I'm I don't know if I want a minor in my asshole again but it's a whole heap of trouble well at least he's in your asshole that's a little better yeah I think so I mean slightly the law is gonna see it the same way but the guys in the prison might not that's true the guys in the prison are like you fucked a kid get over here and suck me off right but if

you let a kid fuck you the guys in the prison might be like that was nice beat you it's a little halfway there because the kid had a good time but he's still a kid yeah it's still traumatic I think is it depends on the kid alright oh boy I'm sure there's some wild kids out there I think so wild kid them but so here's a here's a real wrench in your dick hole because this is a new one okay and I'm gonna change the story a little bit because it's kind of mean alright so I don't want to be too mean to the person I'm about to attack oh you're getting older you're wiser aha you're growing up there you go so I'm on a

flight to I think I was going to Spokane at the time mm-hmm got the seat open go hey look at me lucky day open seat and then in comes old Michael Moore I'm talking just a waddle and a half here coming down and I got this is gonna be a giant a large afro-american a okay and you go all right well you know that's the brakes what can you do break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar he sits down be oh like you wouldn't believe I suspected now I'm okay with be oh I've had be oh you like be oh boa constrictor but this was that milky sour you know that just putrid rancid something's off here be oh yeah the deodorants off yes

it's off baby and it was not I can handle like the hey this guy hit the gym or whatever this was like oh you're you're like poisonous something's off with you like you you're got toxic chemical on you yeah it's not like a today be oh it's an everyday be yeah Cal Ripken be oh be on Cal this is this is a californication it's turned into something it's mutated into like many things have connected sweat spit jizz food who knows what clothes I bet it's the clothes might be the clothes clothes conduct the be oh I think not shower not washing wearing it in the clothes soak it right a wet sock yes and a dry foot conduct tape so I

couldn't handle it cuz I can do be over this was that sourie that sour one that that one's harder and I go now we got a six hour flight here oh boy I can't handle this I'm not a stiff queefy guy I'm not I'm not easily turned but I couldn't take it and you forget about it then you get a whiff and then you forget you get another whiff and I go now the lady comes trotting down and I go ma'am I'm feeling a little unsafe really can I get a mask I got a mask a man cherry she goes okay and I was like you know I don't want to get sick I have an important meeting I'm a liberal and all this and she said alright you got it

nobody nobody questions the mask mask is good but a mask on I went to sleep did it help it helped if it fixed everything because the mask has a scent those new ones right out of the cellophane you know it has that a chemically whatever and I was like I was breathing all that mask in and it felt good what now do you have any part of you does your ego get in there because you don't want to be the mask guy does it bother you that everyone's going oh we got one of these mask assholes over here a mask call I I'll tell you the stench was so bad you can tweet about me you can take a photo put me on libs a tick tock whatever it

is I'll take it because that's how bad I got old milky back here with the with the putrid half and half now how was the breathing was he making noises yeah usually if there's a horrible BO there's a lot of like a lot of no father and he came down and this is when I got where he hit all the boxes big guy stinky had the meal he brought the meal on you know went hardcore ham on the meal had ham and then the guy we were in Delta comfort so the guy comes by and he goes snacks snacks and you go what do you got fruit snacks some chips there maybe a Twix bar you know and you're picking you on and he goes I'll take one of

everything so I was like come on man like you're just hitting you're the stereotype yeah this guy and then this is when it gets up a notch I had to take the headphone sucks I want to hear this guy every time he spoke the lady comes by with the cart with the drinks and he goes I'll have a cabernet so she got the weird wine screw bottle out and on the wine he pours it in he's drinking cabernet and Cheetos the whole thing was bonkers true story yeah that's tough that's a lengthy flight too I might add oh yeah I was just fascinated with this guy he was nice and whatever but the the the sour yes sour is tough I like a

sour but I can't do a patch well you have to take a shower so there's no sour yeah there was no sweet either oh well he ate some sweets but sweet and sour is what I call yeah pungent that's tough and then I'm always as nervous to the people I think it's me that you're like I know smells because sometimes a fart will happen and you feel like saying to your neighbor hey I'm not the one farting but now it's them yeah and I thought and I thought maybe I could do this a bit but it didn't work but second hand scent is bad we got second hand smoke second hand smoke yeah I don't want to smoke but now I gotta breathe your

smoke well I don't want to stink but I gotta breathe yours right where does I mean it's a rude it is rude yeah you're putting you I don't think he knows it anymore it's he's gone now we got the neighbor he's gone so far in that I think you get used to it's like a smoke alarm I think so you live with that thing for an hour and a half and you go I don't hear it anymore like the watch why I think they give me the watch I think too but you will adapt to with be that's the thing about be oh this happens a lot because every once in a while someone I'll walk by an apartment that smells like cooking cooking let's say or not

cooking but something bad a dead body and you're in your mind you're like how are these people in this room yeah but I think you adapt because you're in there totally ever watch hoarders no it's a hell of a hell of a program but the guy every single episode the guy walks into the house and it's newspapers it's cat shit it's old food he goes oh but the guys in there just yo yo and he doesn't he's there all day every day exactly I think that's us in general like like by people say why people smell like wet dog I've heard this and I'm like I don't smell any wet dogs this guy's well like wet hot dogs it was a whole another bag

bag of Cheetos hot dog you want to be wet right a little moist out of the out of the water yeah yeah moisture you've seen a dry dog they're in the 7-11 yeah there they're like an old dick by the way I was in Denver comedy works I kept going to that 7-11 remind me of what a great time we had down there with Ari Ari story Sean Patton yeah that was a fucking boy all staying the same condo sleep apnea betting on the tape on the counter oh betting we bet I see not betting betting betting yes yes yes tricky yeah so but that was fun now this is when I get a little more it's gonna get a little more sentiment oh boy I'm

worried about it buckle up dickless so I'm in Appleton this weekend uh-huh eight shows sold out with my pal Andrew Youngblood two-man show working on the special fine-tuning and you know it goes you got one in a week I know a week from today oh nerve-wracking hope it's already and done no all right I got time yeah so you know we're at we're hink hink tinkering and fun having a good time drinking going out with the staff yada yada my brother texts me on Friday night and he goes what the hell man I go what's up he goes I live in Madison you're in Appleton your brother lives in Madison he moved to Madison how about

that I had no idea yeah his wife's a doctor she got a gig up there so they took the whole family hook line and anal wow well good for them hook line and clinker go badgers yeah so he's like I'll drive the two hours and I'll see it I said all right how often I see these bring the kids got a ten-year-old the five-year-old I said here we go sweet now my brother's old school mm-hmm wall up hard to hard to read doesn't give you a lot sweet guy smart guy nice guy but you know my family yeah I didn't even approach him at the wedding yes like five days I never even looked at him he was scary he's get two people said who's the

magician I said that's my brother he looked like a magician yeah yeah he's a weird-looking guy but sweet as pie and if the kids are great ten years old it's a barrel of monkeys sure and he doesn't allow them to have TV phone iPad none of that wow so these kids are smart as a whip they do puzzles they write books they read screenplays they're all over it they write books they read books coloring so these kids are just whip whip smart and whip it good and so I go we picked me up at noon I got a show at four and he goes I'm gonna come to your show but we're gonna hang out with the kids all day I said great okay so I'm hung over I'm

pretending to get through it I got sunglasses on inside and I recompose yeah exactly I'm gay Charles so eventually I don't know what I'm like should we go to a movie oh yeah screen that's a big screen okay well should we oh no we can't do that okay I would look at my phone the whole time and at one point find a coffee shop that has the shelf of board games oh I love those coffee shops so we go up there we go we're in so we pull out chess she teaches me how to play chess I didn't play in 20 years she teaches you she teaches me she's 10 wow creams me I couldn't I was like I was letting her

win if at first I'm like well she's just better than me right and then after a while I'm like I'm gonna try and she still beat me I think I beat her one game out of six wow I know they can't go to the movies because the movies that's art that's like something to do together it brings you together it's not like you're just scrolling yeah that's true that's a film that's the that's the arts yeah maybe they're Amish I don't know but it's not allowed okay so we got to be creative you got to get cooking you got to think of stuff so we're playing chess then eventually we played highlights we did highlights

magazines got a stack of highlights yeah we circle the leaf inside the thing and the bowling pin and all that and we did the jumble and all that and you just starting to run out of stuff to do and this kid is so smart and and I'm so used to being like any moment of discomfort I just go to Instagram sure go to tiktok go to porn mm-hmm go to a 4chan or whatever so eventually you're like god this is hard you gotta be on you gotta be in it yes when I go fuck it I can do this I'm a human being I grew up without a cell phone so I go let's play categories blah blah we now I'm reading the box the inside of the box for the

instructions which I haven't done in 30 years categories it's been a minute all right I blocked it all out because it's been so long and you start to get it back but you you have that moment of like alright I'm reading the instructor I don't want to do this no no you have to do it and the kids waiting what do we do what do we do I'm like oh hold on and it was so hard it's hard to do stuff it's hard to read the phones have ruined it yeah the phones have fucked us up well you know with the gum sales that guy could use some gum with his armpits you got that right armpit gum that's not bad that's pretty good I like it watch the

hair though ah yeah the hair will get ugly yeah maybe armpit bonacca but I think that's just deodorant alone even I like where your head's at though I'm thinking I'm trying to pussy gum I'm still thinking about that yeah can you spray the pussy or is that sting pussy mint would work pop that well Sarah has she has a mint line panties yeah that feels like it would burn I think it does yeah that's not the only thing burning down there but that's a whole other oh boy that good tampons burning man so anyways the re wait what happened so I'm reading the inside of it was just so primitive it felt so like old school

I'm reading the box you know this box got wear and tear on it's all kids have drawn on it and shit I'm like oh yeah player one and it made me realize like being a kid and grown up in the 80s and the 90s you had to do shit you had to reach it you had to make an effort yes you had to really create some fun and it's it's wild because I mean we watched a lot of TV but there was we had I remember sitting in a sandbox and a lot of army we played knee football football and your knees you just be creating stuff you pick up a stick it was a lightning rod or whatever your throw sticks at each other you break the stick yeah the stick

was a telescope everything was a thing yeah we had to be Jonathan Winters out there and yeah it's a much different bag of shit now but it's weird with it's weird being old like I have a cousin my uncle's kid whatever that is a second niece whatever the fuck in a family yeah yeah she had a Nirvana t-shirt on the other day she's like oh yeah that's cookie she's 12 and I was like hey you know Nirvana and I think they were just like what I don't know what the fuck you're talking about old shirt and then it was funny yesterday I was watching College Hoops and there was a kid a Michigan kid he had a Charles Woodson jersey on and

he's like 18 and Charles Woodson graduated in 97 I got that was like my guy in the 90s like oh he's this is like when we were kids so we're like a Bill Russell jersey and I'm like oh that's adorable you never even like he's like this guy I played with my dad was a kid sure this guy's my guy yes even though I was born after he retired yeah and it's weird we're the age that you're like oh that's who I watched I know but we still look like kid or act like kids yeah we act like we look like no we don't look like we have facial hair and great pubes but yeah but you know what I mean you got a hoodie on you got red

sneakers you know yeah scared of the dark I'm a child yeah so it was wacky and just realized made you realize like any time you have any discomfort or something's a little bit challenging you've seen it with writing you try to write you're like I know I know I can't think of a job to look at my phone it's just right there I'll tell you what I did on Saturday it was pretty exciting I went to Starbucks old school and sat at a coffee shop writing I haven't done that since the 80s that's how I used to do it and it's so helpful you really oh this is why I used to do this it works it gets the brain moving and juices but and I

get it kids are smart I think kids are probably smarter now than they ever were well I don't know but there's more geniuses now is that right yeah artistically mate maybe autistic integrity but I don't know this this was like it was an eye-opener and I know I harp on the phone a lot about how evil it is but it was wacky like this is hard I'm 39 and I'm like I don't like this yeah what else yeah no it's hard and I went to the movies well I'll tell this whole story but I was at the movies last night and there was a friend of ours I will remain nameless but him and I love watching movies and talking about him

and but we're five minutes into the movie and I look over he's just fully doing this Jewish fella and it turned out he had another spots we had to leave the movie it like step over me with his coat and it was a very awkward yeah yeah that's that's what we're at and that's why the Leonardo DiCaprio whores are very fascinating like you date a 19 he's dating a 19 year old now I was that right he's a 19 year old Israeli model and look I get it the young clam she's a cute lady she's a model I get that but she hasn't seen half your movies yeah that's weird that's that's that's wacky it's kind of fun though because dating a

19 year old which I'd love to do sure you just get to be like here comes Jaws here comes cool or here comes the airplane you know like you can show here's ice cream whoa they've never seen anything they're 19 here comes the airplane you can show us some 9-11 footage she's like what is this yeah that's the ultimate here comes the airplane true you're right yeah those used to be here when I was a kid those are there now they're not yeah that is really something I mean these post 9-11 kids I wonder if the terrorists did that here comes open your mouth that's South Tower but either way so hey folks Tuesdays is

brought to you by Displate to upgrade your room frat house energy with posters that won't peel off the wall enough with the peeling peelings out it's a metal poster that will add class to any room officially licensed design from fight club alien South Park and much more you can even get your own artwork printed onto these one of a kind metal post it only takes 20 seconds to install I got a big D on Sanders on my wall and my lady pretends to blow it's a little insulting your poster comes with a magnetic stickers he just pop it right up there and hang that poster note power tools no wall damage and they're easy to

switch out in seconds click the link in our description to see some of our favorite displays and save up to 34% interesting number get 22% off if you buy one or two and 33% off when you buy three or more discounts will automatically be applied to your cart when you click the link or use code Tuesdays when you visit displate.com that's displate.com slash Tuesdays or click the link in our show notes we'll have it right up there for you folks hey folks Tuesday stores brought to you by better help you heard it here first folks better help that's what they got to get Kanye on get to know

yourself and be a lifelong but getting know yourself to be a lifelong process especially because we're always growing and changing I'm growing right now I'm transitioning sometimes we don't know what we want or why we react the way we do until we talk through things therapy can help by deepening your self-awareness better help connects you with a licensed therapist who can guide you on that journey of self-discovery he had to run off the there because he's a fucking wacko cuckoo banana herpes riddled weirdo with no dad and I need there because I'm a bedwetting dandruff having tiny dong weird parent transvestite nanny I

got all kinds of stuff too if you're thinking of starting therapy give the better help a try better help is entirely online designed to be convenient flexible and suited to your schedule just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge discover your potential with better help visit better help dot com slash Tuesdays today and get 10% off your first month wow whole month that's better help HELP dot com slash Tuesdays now this is when it gets interesting thank God sorry so we got this category is going I throw that in

the fire and then I go hey thank God it's 4 it's 3 38 I got to go to the the club yes show 4 o'clock show here mind you Saturday brutal brutal that thing sneaks up like you wouldn't believe so we're parking the car that his wife has got the kids and me in the car my brother and I go there's the comedy club she pulls over and I go I'll bring you up to my brother and we can hang out a little bit then I'll give you a seat you can watch the show so the older daughter who I've been playing chess with and getting creamed to goes I want to see it through I go to image goes I want to see what a comedy club is this girl is no

TV right so going to see a comedy club I mean it's like going to see Taj Mahal but it's interesting does it have as much meaning if she's never seen it though ah that's a good that's an interesting philosophical point yeah cuz it's like if you've seen it you're like here's the thing like I remember seeing the Eiffel Tower and crying like a little girl I'm like I've seen this my whole life I put a toy one in my asshole sure you got triggered to see it and you're like whoa but if you've never seen it on TV it's an Eiffel is it and then I don't know yeah question yeah

well she's so smart wicked smart and she I think she can put it together like comedy exists is probably comedy clubs I don't know I don't know what she knows well either way it's a thrill to see anything when you're 10 and she I'm on YouTube I'm on Netflix I want comedy central so she doesn't know about that world so she's like you my dumb retarded chest losing uncle is gonna be the guy on there yes that's wacky very confusing so we go up the elevator we get up there and there's a line wow line fatty and she goes what's the line go they're all waiting to get in and she was like huh they're all going there comedy hey

comedy it's all pipes and she's like yeah it was it was the best moment of my life I got that I felt cool well you feel seen and heard because a child is like what they're blown away everybody else has to act like oh that's crazy yes that's something they're trying to play cool the kids not trying to play a cool no cool no playing no nothing and it's fun it's the kids are genuine yes very genuine so I go hey let's hit the green room now it's one of these green rooms you know these what do you call them the bark clubs the Tacomas the yes the Oklahoma City they have full of candy yes drawers of candy drawer that's

like their thing they got a Nintendo a big screen TV a million pieces of candy Coke sprite Pepsi all this shit and she's like I mean it's just beaming coming out of her like this there's a payday the size of your asshole you got one coming yourself aha now it is she does she know candy is she allowed to touch candy no candy oh my goodness I know it's a little off-putting but I don't want to get to their parenting style but I'm like shoving a Twix in her purse and all this I'm like here take a fucking mounds bar you're what are you doing and she's just like okay this is crazy she's sitting on the barcala under you

know re doing the massage chair I'm like welcome my job yeah I mean this could be her first if it's vibrating a big moment for her that's true I didn't think about that could be like Uncle Mark really showed me something oh well don't don't write about that in the diary but oh boy and Frank so eventually I was like alright you got to go the mom's waiting in the car so my brother I gave him a seat we do a show and that was that but it was it was quite a moment she got to show me chess I got to show her comedy well it's very exciting and it puts a little spark in their brain that you can this is what's so important for you I

think for people to see is that you can for children to see is that you can have a job that's fun and exciting because I a lot of times people are just beating into you that work sucks it's a horrible job you're gonna put on a tie it's all day yeah and that was just shoved so deeply into my ass as a kid 100 a life and then you go gay yeah job suck and work suck so I think it gives the kids a wee bit of hope that like maybe I could create and and have a life where I get to eat candy maybe and it's also interesting because this kid is so analytical she reads she does puzzles all this shit all day long and then she

sees me as a yuck em up douche and that's my whole income yeah it's exciting you get to see yeah they had the other half queefs but very fun it felt cool to show her that then then she leaves and then then I bombed on stage because I got the brother in my head the pilot is in my asshole you know and so that was awkward so he's like that's what you do here okay well I'm going back to my regular life with two kids and a loving wife isn't it weird that sometimes I think people might have a hard time understanding this if you're not a comic that it's like one person the audience can make the whole show my

whole performance I'm just thinking about this one person hundred percent whether it's an aunt or a dad or a sister whatever you're just kind of like how are they interpreting that yes and there's 300 people dying laughing but you're just like I bet they're not laughing yeah and then I would you know have a few things in my act where I like oh my mom she used to do that she doesn't but I need it for the joke right like oh he's lying up there and that's not true and you just now you think and so you're like well was I talking they're like you're talking about a queef so I'm like oh yeah queefs how

many times we're gonna say queef one of my bra I don't know the whole thing it's just it's a mind fuck or it's you say something that they do do and then they're like I didn't know you cared that I did that and you're like well I don't just this yeah yeah that was memories do I did the bit about my mother watching dirty dancing and it's awkward because she's like I didn't know you remember that you're talking about my coming and I wanted to fuck Patrick no I just imagine that's what she's saying nobody says anything in my family that's a one time it works out but it's awkward because like when they're there live you

just skip some bits but then especially you have to put it in right and it's awkward because you know they're gonna watch it and be like what the hell is this I don't want them talking about my pussy but then my thing is like my face smeared through your pussy so I might as well be able to talk about it true good point yeah I'm the you're the first pussy I ever touched yeah and you're my probably gotten your mouth really you think about it because you're coming out like and there's just fluids going right in your throat you can get throat cancer that way yeah and I'm the neighbor and I'm made from dad's jizz

yeah a lot of horrible things going on that make the most thing that you're not supposed to bring up with sex your dad's jizz is in you huh I'm saying it's you're created oh I thought you knew about that Thursday you scared me there but yeah well that's wacky and then it's weird it's like this is the person I'm not supposed to talk about sex with that's gooey it's gross it's icky but they had fucked and made me and then I came out of your balls and her clam but then they were supposed to talk to you about sex did you get any sex talk nothing zero nothing one time I had a girl over and freshman year high

school she slept over and she walked out and my mom goes nobody's getting pregnant in there are they and I was like no no and that was that was the extent of it that's something that's something yeah then she got pregnant we killed her but that's a whole another ace ups fable now I got no talk no teach how to shave change a tire tie a tie puberty anything like that shave I told you I had scissors like Fiskar scissors like nobody helped Fiskar I think that was the brand ha if you know about Fiskar the iron chandles oh yeah I guess I had a Fiskar I think so I got a blue car now but either way it was fun

it was it was it's also comedy for me is very sinful you know it's like a lot of drinking and I go out at night and there's whores and there's dirty words and there's nightcrawlers and all these things and you know then you got a six year old or 10 year old here and it's like oh let's clean this up for a minute you know my opener is covered in tats and he's cursing in the green room like yeah yeah it's weird it's hard it's it's a very strange Mick and the understanding of a job is weird cuz oh we have I might need to ask the same thing like you know what Funko Joe does for a living and she's like yeah he makes

movies and you're like yeah sort of right and independent feature yeah but you're like I don't know it's hard to understand if you've done especially if you've never watched TV totally that's the thing with categories the whole point of scat is it says like a tool a movie an automobile a vehicle whatever and then you get the letter a so you go okay an anvil country Afghanistan but she didn't know anything she's just lived right so she's like a tool with a hammer and I'm like well I can't really give you that one and then you know now we're fighting yeah it's tricky because you try to shelter you want to make them

not do the thing but then they don't know as much exactly exactly and they're not getting references I was talking to Sally it's like he was his kid goes what does that mean covid's from a lab and he was like I just can't because he heard that on TV and he's like I can't unpack this this is gonna take four months right and I'll then I'll go on Tucker Carlson he told me I went to the kid asked about the n-word oh really yeah he's like who's this guy living in the fucking mom yeah but no he really did he was like what is this word I heard a kid use it and he's like now he's gonna talk to an eight-year-old about the n-word yeah

cuz you hear I heard a lot of black kids using it so I remember being like wait can I is that open but I got a black eye well it's confusing because when we were kids nwa was huge huge and in the songs and it's in the name of the group that's the name right so it was hard for me to understand we should make a group with the with the r-word and the f-word and just call it you know rf okay you know that's rich rf rf with attitude okay all of a sudden we can well I guess they are n words that's the difference oh boy well you know what I mean they're black yeah I mean they called it that's their name it's the name of the group

yes I mean it's at the Grammys hey come here nwa's like it's in the group I think the n would be plural not the a you're right well they got attitudes as multiple I guess so all pipes all right crack pipe boy we really got into some scary territory there we pulled that we did a sully we got out of that lake and pulled it into the river yeah that way sully that that was exciting where were you for that I was I think I was on a plane oh really no I was somewhere but I remember like it was like a movie it was like it was a good ending thank God it's a rarity the news with a good ending that's a good point I have a point

yeah not bad okay so that that's that Appleton wrapped it up flew back yesterday a goddamn connection I also kind of feel good like God Apple tonight it's on the books I did it I'm gonna go back for a year and it's good people good club good times great club skyline check it out yeah I did an album there that's great yeah that was the old one with Cliff Cliff remember Cliff no used to be owned by a guy named Cliff back in the day ah 2000 this is like 2010 okay we did a lot of drugs yeah that was full yes a lot of sins yeah it's it's a comedy's very adult it's at night it's drinky it's boozy it's dirty basement yeah yeah Cosby

yeah he's a bad guy yeah tour again is that right I keep hearing that is that real and he's out there he's selling out better bring a pillow and a butt plug to that one folks no kidding I'd be interested in seeing Bill Cosby but I don't want to give money maybe I can get comp tickets is that bad oh that's free tickets because you're curious I'm not supporting if you buy tickets you're giving money to a rapist right but if you just get comp tickets if I hit up my agency and say hey give me a couple Cosby give me two beauties up front why is that bad oh that's a good point I'm not supporting I won't laugh I'll just that's

true but you don't get a photo of you at the front row because then people are like well this guy's a huge fan what if I get a photo of the ticket comp ticket maybe it would also help if you went before because now it looks like you're on board now I went to Cosby I just time magazine frame I took it down so that's something oh I left mine up I had a framed Cosby time magazine sign and I took it down I think that I mean I'm like a winner what's the signature keep on raping it's I just said sorry it was just a straight up Cosby okay okay didn't didn't you know what I mean didn't add anything address it yeah whatever you say

all right all right well good for you take it down yeah so that's something don't throw it out though oh I got it under the pillow in case he gets exonerated or whatever probably helps you sleep too all right well I'm dying I got the jizz is coming in the linger well let me tell you about what happened last night I teased it off air lingered sandwiches all right linger sandwiches of finger it's a word play on words I got you but finger sandwich I think finger foods I hear a finger sandwich okay but linger food that doesn't work yes linger bell all right cheese so let me shove this in your

ass if you can I hogged I hogged no hogged so I tease this a little bit so last night you know I'm trying to put together some hangs cuz we're gonna die and we're old and where you and I pickleball tomorrow with the dames I love it she lit up what you heard that oh all right we should be doing this all the time I'm trying that's what I've been saying appreciate it well I'm looking forward to I can tell you one out of it I can already feel it I'm like well my calves hurt you're like well you don't want to play with bad calves I'm like it's snowing you're like I'm in Jersey for me it's just going there what's on

there I'm in right I need this I need a little hump yes get a hump we'll hump each other yes my humps my humps and humps and humps Wednesdays gonna be fun by the way that's what we're into the podcast post pickleball I'm teasing I mean part of me is like we should film the pickleball but it's enough with the filming geez too much filming we'll film the next one not filming but I can't wait Sarah's like what if it gets ugly what if it gets too competitive and I'm like I think you're projecting but also in pickleball you switch partners after each game whoa whoa I didn't know we were swinging oh big time yeah we pull the

curtain down and we see what the other one tastes like no you go so it's me and Sarah then we beat you guys then it flips to you and me we dominate the women then May and I are a team and then you go back to Sarah and I that way it's not just one team getting fiery all right let's hope Leah Thomas didn't show up who's Leah Thomas keep moving Leah Thompson who's that that's the one all the right moves are tits back to the future Leah Thompson oh that's right that's right yeah yeah he makes out with his mom see her nipples in all the right moves oh she had a real run that lady she certainly did I think still

around still does well she's on TV she does when her daughter is somebody well she was in the boys which is a big show and she still looks great she's like 78 yeah I just saw cocaine bear Kerry Russell she's an underrated pretty lady she was my number one crush photos of her in my locker and my wall yeah too much hair for me it's a lot of hair I love the hair curly yeah I got I got my own curls I don't need any more more carols are a little better than yours well I like a good Carol as much as the next guy but Christmas Carol but yeah all right all right so last night I got put together a little movie hang over the

Astoria house it's me when I start with the pinky it's me so at them Ron on Hershberg his girlfriend Kate Weinberg comic good egg wish there was more former comics I love when somebody quits God you need a lot of a couple people in this general area I wouldn't mind if they quit not you you know you know I mean for a city I see yeah Rupert he quit Chavone ah cute kid Chavone Baloney in his dame Sarah couldn't come because she's got where she's got a train for pickleball well what's she like who Chavone's day yeah she's cool she's a good kid right where's he meet these broads

she's not I think on Tinder she's a real beauty and they just they was one of the they took off I mean like they're hanging that thickest these are on vacation together good for that all right Shiv yeah she's all right I think he's a handsome boy I think so he's definitely packing a wallop he's got a bulge every time I see him battle the bulge I know big cock and a great laugh he's a good hang yes that's it he's a good guy he's a good good so anyways we all go to the movies we're going to see cocaine bear that's a fun picture for the group Sunday night I say let's get out of the house I went to movies by

myself on Thursday I saw missing which is pretty fun is one of these ones it's all screens and the mother goes missing a lot of plot twists and whatnot I didn't catch that one that was fine it's whatever but I gotta go to the movies more often because you sit at home you look at your goddamn phone you gotta go to the movies see some art and there is a moment with the movie got admit in the beginning you're like I kind of look my phone but now you got a hang tight yes exactly so anyways we put together the movie date so run on and Kate Weinberg and I are walking up the street now this is a story a Sunday night but these

people I'm just drawn to the kooks the kooks are drawn to me I'm like a magnet cook magnet so this wasn't a kook though this was like we're walking and we just see three loud shadowy figures a few blocks away and you know me I'm always clocking everybody yeah yeah yeah I'm very aware some people just walk around they're just like but anyways I did a gig and I'm like there's somebody getting stabbed right here I know the people are very out to lunch they got a lot of lot of no clocks out there your clockwork orange I'm clocking so I see it and I go I don't know it's far away they're probably it's loud we keep walking they

start coming towards us and you can't quite make it out because it's dark and it's shadowy oh yeah it's getting louder and bigger and I'm like well whatever I'm listening we're having a nice conversation and then as they get closer it's two teens I'm gonna say 17 18 nothing scared than a teen any race any gender a group of teens bad teen I either get scared or hard and there's another one who's like probably 12 or 13 maybe that's a 13 but he's little he's out in front so a triangle offense teen beat and they're acting weird and it's kind of doing like this weird thing that the kids doing this weird thing and

run on goes oh crazy people crazy people and he starts walking in the street so I lose Rana way what that's his move he walks like he's like walking away he's trying to get some distance okay oh cuz they're on the sidewalk that you're about to walk up to it's like bizarro Jerry it's three on three oh I hate the so they start walking that way so now I lose one of my men yeah well man and it's me and Weiber but I have this moment I'm like people all think I'm a pussy but I'm like I'm running into methodics that are kicking the windows in of subways right and getting my face I think people don't understand how

serious some of these situations oh yeah well Roger's got punched in the noggin yes it's crazy out here so but I look and I'm like the youngest one in curls is 12 years old and I go I'm not crossing the street for a child no that's ain't even teen and there's three so I'm like they could probably all gang up and throw a thing but I'm like I just refuse to be like well I better go around if it's a methodic homeless person whatever the sure they got nothing to lose believe me I'm not I have no shame in running but I'm like I'm heading straight on with this running Hershberg because also three teenagers I'm like they may

beat me up but somebody's getting their fucking face destroyed you got that right you know I mean I might lose this fight but someone's gonna get fucking blasted yes I got a good amount of training so this kid starts doing this move he's doing this whoa so this is this is on it's a weird thing this is happening so but also the kid that's doing that is like he's this tall he's 12 or 13 but he's got two other guys who are 16 17 and you got chavone with you no chavone meeting chavone oh so who's my wineberg with me ah Berg no good if I had Aaron Berg that'd be dead on the sidewalk yes yes iceberg they'd be

putting fucking cigars out on their face right so I kind of just go oh I go is it I literally said this I'm like oh is this a thing is something happening and the kids starts he's really doing this and the other kids are kind of laughing and so what I did I diffused a little I started doing it back oh I went oh and I did like a silly time out I went like this and then they start laughing okay but he might think okay we're doing it then yeah well I couldn't tell what the fuck was going on and so then the kids started doing like a basketball thing so then I started playing defense ah this is a fucking

acting class all of a sudden this is improv 101 the two teens the older ones they start laughing cuz they're like this is goofy motherfucking like this is we got some goofy goofball okay so now I know they're Hasidic Jews and so then I went like that like oh like this and then one of the kids he kind of he kind of like coiled super flinching so now I got the upper hand David flincher I made him flinch yeah he went like this and they kind of went wider and then I was like oh I kind of went goofy I matched the goofiness I yes and and you over and it but I also gave him a little like well yeah so now I've won you've won

you've out of arrest them so run on now rejoins oh that's a problem and he's like oh that was funny he's like that was cute but in my mind I'm like no I defused yeah could have been ugly could have been ugly and it's one of these things with these young teens most likely not gonna rob us or be but they're gonna try to sometimes they'll kick a hat off or like whoop or like try to do some shit they try to make fun of you whatever there's you a little yeah yes exactly so then I hear them laugh they're like dying laugh because they're like who's this goofy retard whatever sure I've been I've been called worse by

myself yeah in the mirror so that as we're walking that like I look back they had stopped so it's like I wonder if they're gonna come back and try to be more wacky or do whatever I'm back but kid I was like that was crazy I was like my heart rates up but I think I did a few fuse it and he's like and then Ron was like no no that was fun that was like a blending of the races that was like a connect you guys connected that was fun yeah I don't think they meant for it to be fun no game fun they were mocking I think they were mocking or trying to be weird and just kind of fucking with people whatever yeah I think it went

pretty well I think that's great now when did you decide I'm going in or do just not think like when did you go I'm gonna do what they're doing and mimic I don't know wasn't a decision it was kind of just a thing I was like because you want to be fine if you're gonna just walk by like keep going honey it just makes them want to fuck exactly now they've won so it's like let me just yes and be silly it's like high school yeah not high school but like elementary school we're like I am goofy you know what you did you did the comedy move with the heckler you had a heckler and your first thought is like fuck you you

can't get her out of here shut up she's drunk you suck blah blah blah but if you go sorry ma'am what are you saying and then you like he kind of let her bear yourself and then you you playfully bat her but you don't destroy her right then you win but if you go to me and you lose right you would have gone hey kid get out of here they'd be like well fuck you honky yes or if you do like to keep going keep going honey honey let's go then they're like oh you're scared of fuck with them yeah which is the same with comedy where if you go I'm not even going there we saw him out there he saw us come in he knows what we look like we

know what he looks like slam dunk where he wants a month he hates us twice a week but I think by the going dead eye contact communication and I was like what's going on what do we do it yeah he kind of they were like what the hell this is weird you outweirded yes that's the fun thing is you're like oh you don't know I'm like a goofball right I'll be silly if you want to roast me I'll roast back you think I'm a square yes no square one time Patrice was on stage and this fat black lady which is you know a scary lady because they're so confident and sassy and they'll take an earring off at a shoe and a person and so you don't

really want to go there yeah but he was like bitch I ain't scared of you I'll knock your fat ass out and she was like okay okay and I was I'd never seen anyone do that to a fat black lady and that's kind of what you did he's like I'll outdo you I'll out goofball you well it's one of the same it's like I said I'm like there's only so much you can I'm not yeah I can't I already said I'm like I can't cross the street for a child no you know what I mean yeah sometimes I think you had a snap in you yeah I'm gonna say an angry snap but there was like I'm just I'm not gonna cower snap yeah yeah it's one of those

ones you're like you know they say like hit the biggest one yeah I was like whoa my mind I was like I'm hitting the smallest one sure I'm gonna just take his face off and then whatever else happens that's that's right folks I was prepared to beat up a 12 year old kid less you gotta do it's Queens baby but if I'm like if you're gonna start the shit I'll just give a swift nice nice push kick right to the sternum and then we'll be on our way here's the only problem with this scenario oh boy now you got old wine house in Weinberg whatever she's like fuck the the quiff in the street who's the the bitch in the

sheets well you know what to do but you know the the goofball in the sheets well in Ronan's defense he thought it was a crazy person because I think you know he wasn't looking as closely and at first you just see three people and it is nighttime so it's hard to see and you just see someone going like that like you think like oh this is like a crazy method but I don't think you realize that it's like a younger kid but here's the thing teens or preteens or whatever pubescent pubic they are they are crazy right when I was a kid I was crazy we would steal cases of beer out of a shop I go whoo I would never do that now well

especially with three people I mean you when you're three teenagers and you see a 40 year old guy with glasses it's over you wouldn't think twice you're like dump your Pepsi on them and shove a thumb in his ass wedgie Swirly Melvin whatever yeah those are fun times those were fun time we had the world by the balls yeah but anyways that was good for you it's funny this is to the two of this is like a big deal but to these kids they probably haven't thought about that twice well they probably had 10 other people that they fucked with on the way home but I bet they were like remember that goofy ass maybe started

playing defense yeah he was cool I think it was also fun because you know I played a lot of basketball so I was playing some pretty good oh my hand in his face and really yeah you know it was really so I think they were like that was crazy what the fuck was that I also think some of these teens me included you kind of just want to connect like you guys kind of connected a little bit that's what I felt like yeah that's what Ron on season we bridged the the races to get now we you yeah that's true he ran yeah ran in but yeah yeah we're good for you I mean sometimes it takes these horrific situations to learn something

by yourself and push it and then you feel better I learned I will fight a 13 year old kid you hear that kids he'll fight or fuck you watch out like one did throw dog shit at me that time and I didn't do anything I was snowing all right that's it's a weather thing but I always have this remember that I was in Union Square they threw a bag of dog shit at me yeah these kids did the weird cookie move I had something about me it's so funny how when you're walking on the street and there's another kid or group walking towards you I don't care who you are where you are you could be in Wuhan Cleveland Ukraine you feel that

weirdness I know we're walking up towards each other and it's like animal shit where you're like something's up that's what it is it's animal yeah David Battenborough kicks in the two groups are coming in closer who will attack you know all that shit yeah is it a threat is it not it is it is like a deep thing for thousands of years it is yeah yeah hey folks Tuesday stories brought to you by sheath we love sheath where I'm wearing them right now it's the official underwear of comedy you know from army soldier and Tuesday Robert Patton he knew there was a better way to keep his dick from sticking to his sack and his leg and

here we are each pair of sheathes a soft flexible cradle like pouch which separates the boys from the inner thighs eliminating any sticky situations I'm gonna just assume I'm wearing I'm not even a look and I bet I'm wearing them hold on what is that that's a sheet baby come on I knew it that's how much we like them they feel good they look good my lady wears them they come in a bunch of patterns colors for any occasion they didn't leave out the ladies either sheet that's boy short sports bras and bikini briefs go to sheet underwear calm at order with promo code twos gaze to get 20% off your first order and she's 100%

money back guarantee that sheet underwear dot com promo code twos gaze get sheet underwear let them support your cojones hey folks liquid IV that's what I brought to you by I love liquid IV I literally have one every morning just pop it in I have a cup of coffee and a water with a liquid IV and it is all I need you know me I drink a lot I'm dehydrated I don't know what your health goals are but staying hydrated will help you reach them it's an easy way to stay hydrated with five essential vitamins hydrate two times faster than water alone and you can do it all with just one stick I do it first in the morning I mentioned that in long

flights they dehydrate you so I try to have it on there just bring a couple pouches with you I throw them in my bag a suitcase and they got a lot of great flavors I like watermelon and pina colada but they taste great they they go down easy and they're dairy-free gluten-free soy-free and it's had got three times the electrolytes of sports drinks grab your liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco and you can get 20% off when you go to liquid IV dot com and use Tuesdays at checkout that's 20% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code Tuesdays at liquid IV dot com so but good on you now

Weinberg I'm sure is diddlin to the old list of maniac well interesting you said that because then we went to the movies Ron I realized he had a spot he had to leave so now I'm on a double date with his day oh my god was Chavone his girlfriend and me and Ronon's girlfriend how was the sex with female so we watched the movie and I pleasant walk home but it was pretty fun film I don't know hey all right well that's great now did you did you lock eyes did you go hey this is fun well hey we're back we gotta go back to the same house oh she lives upstairs and going all right well it was fun I'll have a good night and

the boy I really liked the movie I'll see you soon that would be great if she swung that door open and she went yeah well then you had to do it now you're in there together well that's wicked I come home my wife's watching telly and she's like I was like I was pretty good I just beat up a child and saw a film with another day yeah you lived like a 14 year old you saw cocaine bear and threatening of another 14 year old it was pretty exciting but I went on a date what oh we got a wrap up here oh jeez therapy how long we've been rolling there Roop about 50 I think I got to squeeze one more story run to therapy

fairly I needed so you're talking about the kids and the children the nieces the nephews the whole thing so I got to go back back a few weeks I can't remember what I told and what I didn't tell about this but I went to the UW basketball game University of Washington and I take the kid might take Derek and his wife and then two kids and I'm like we're all gonna go to the basketball game I like to be a funkel funkel baby you take them to the football game the basketball game whatever so I'm like we're driving to Seattle we're going to the game the game starts at 8 p.m. which is their bedtime hmm they're 10 and 6 so it's

one of these things where I text the parents and I'm like is this gonna be a problem it starts and they don't even worry about it they can stay up late funkel then you tell the kids now the kids Brooke she's 10 same age as your squeeze over there niece and that's the word so there she's into school now she's very smart she's getting good grades the whole thing she loves school and I'm like games at 8 and she's like I can't go to the game that's my bedtime that's crazy oh that's a cute little smart nerd good so the parent you have to be like do the homework early you'll be sleep you'll sleep in the car whatever so

they're nervous and I'm like am I a bad funkel because you try to be a good funkel but I'm like this game is gonna go till 10 30 it's an hour ride back 11 30 hour ride back jeez it's far they live in the sticks now so I'm like ah jeez it's gonna start late I have to you know me I'm staying till the end I don't leave things early so I'm like all right now I have to accept that like I'll spend the money we'll go but we might have to leave early okay okay that's a compromise whatever it's a it's UW in Oregon it's the end of the season they both stink whatever yeah yeah I know you're getting candy popcorn you that

guy all right I knew it I'm excited they take a nap and I'm getting them all fired up for the game once they're awake we park and I'm trying to teach them to be fun and wild so I found this huge stick like a branch fell from a wind store okay and I just pick it up I'm like grab it and kids and you know they're 10 and 6 so we go down to descending height sure and we're carrying the branch and I've got all the student bodies walking and I'm like let's go fucking Huskies yeah all the all the kids are loving it the school kids I love it because they just see children carrying a big giant stick and it's fine because they

would get in trouble but old Funko Joe's at the helm so the parents can yell at them yes yes I'll fight you and your son so we carry a 12-foot stick with the student body and the student body all going yeah the kids it's quite fun this is a college game college yes University of Washington we throw down the stick we go inside and I bought the Chippodipo tickets and they're up in the high sky section they had a the pussy bleed and my nephew is like this is too high I'm scared so we move down it's empty because nobody's there so I'm like we sit behind the hoop we end up getting pretty good seats and I'm like if

anyone tells them we're in the wrong seats we just point the kid he was nervous he was scared to be high could you mind moving down there that's good nice to have a kid around use them yes gotta use them for whatever yeah so it's time to game I'm worried because it's bedtime is 8 p.m. the games at 8 p.m. oh boy they come out they sing the national anthem they're like okay folks they come on thing we haven't get slightly technical difficulties the rim is not properly we have to change out the rim who's running as Rupert Rupesex so they're like we got to fix the rim and I'm like fix the rim so then

you look down there and they start disassembling the basket and it's bedtime and the kids already don't care so I'm like fuck I'm looking at the parents they're like not to mention by the way Derek goes to bed at 7 p.m. he's got one of these job he wakes up at 4 a.m. he's like a farmer the rim job so I'm like they got to go do the rim job they take the hoop out they just leave and I'm like this will be a few minutes they put five minutes back on the clock to warm up that comes in goes okay no sign of a hoop finally wheel they wheel the hoop back in and they're they're trying to it's like there's a

woman down there I'm like you got a woman on this job so just kidding so they start reassembling the rim and they like it looks like it's on all of a sudden the shot clock goes out and they're like oh god like 12 people all for neck and look like us before this there's wires everywhere going on the school and now it's 820 825 830 we're already got to leave early so you get no game time so finally the game they get it all fixed and there's a mock cheer I love a mock cheer what's a mock cheer that's when you like this oh you know when a guy like walks three batters in a row and they throws a strike everyone's

a little facetious a mock I see here to run a mock uh well my elbow I had this thing oh remember that when you were a kid and you're taking a nap at school and you do the ah that was big I had that on flights this is a weird episode yeah we're all wonky yeah it's wonky I think it's Rupert Willy Wonka but any jizz game starts a half hour late annoying so I'm like well whatever then the game gets going and you're never sure about kids they start to get into it I love it thank god it's a back and forth game I think there was like 27 lead changes and I'm teaching them all the cheers and the things and

the and I had a thing anytime we hit a three we yell bazoombas which to me means titties but they don't know that that's a fun word so then they were hitting threes and the kids are yelling bazoombas which is very fun it's all exciting then it's halftime and I'm like all right maybe we'll leave in halftime I don't know I'm trying not to let the parents sitting behind me and the kids sitting next to me so try not to look at them because I don't want to leave yeah but I'm like all right let's just sit through halftime then they come on they go halftime show oh no Rihanna we got the dog the dogs of Seattle they're called the fly dogs oh this

sounds promising or sky dogs it's a bunch of dogs racing up and down so the kids shit their pants oh my god you're the funkel again it gives them a boost because there's dogs jumping around the kids love a dog they love dogs everybody loves a good pup I hate to I'm under the bleachers hiding because I'm afraid to get bit but uh they go crazy for the dogs the Washington Huskies they're the dogs so the game continues and it's just a great game and I'm looking I'm like we have to leave they're like just let them keep going as long as they're not upset yeah yeah dogs game goes we're eating hot dogs I'm showing them my dog wild game back and forth up and down then there's like three minutes up this is like classic kid

my nephew is like I want to go for a walk I'm a little bored and you're like this three minutes left to one point walk what does this get 90 I've never heard a kid say that but I'm like all right we'll go for a walk so I tell them like he wants to go for a walk I like do you want us to go I'm like I don't care so I go we walk down the stairs we go straight into the gift shop and I go let's get some foam fingers I'm funkel okay I got to keep the nick maves so I get double foam fingers I give them both to little joey he's six he's got two foam fingers on they look like big purple dicks swinging off his hands yeah gig plan yeah that's my favorite time of year and so we get those then I go look around like I'm gonna buy some other stuff I like to spoil a kid

and my niece she plays softball so I find a UW softball he plays baseball I get him a baseball her a softball and two foam fingers and I say hey put them all on my business account lady yes yes scans them scans the baseball it pops up take a guess what a university of Washington baseball cost I mean I've done some I'm clueless here I'm gonna go uh 38 bucks too high fuck 1799 I go uh pardon me I'm sorry what's that I'm not surprised that's an $18 baseball she goes uh yep $18 and I take it and I just went I throw a frozen rope 40 feet back into the bucket swish it right in I'm like $18 for a baseball what are you fucking me well it's a gift shop they are that's how they do it a gift shop baseball by the way the softball

was $12.99 oh 80 cents of the dollar whatever interesting ladies so I go all right you don't need a baseball I give them the foam fingers and I gotta give one to your sister and then he's such a sweet kid he goes I think if you give her that she'll give it back to you she will want it I go okay so I give her the foam finger I got a towel I'm whipping the towel around and she goes can I have the towel I prefer the towel so I go sweet trade I got the foam fingers now I'm driving the bus now you're Batman so foam finger foam finger I forgot the best part so he's gonna go pee he's like I gotta pee a little bit which is probably what he meant but I want to go for a walk oh it's all coming again so I go let's go pee now you know me I can't

piss with anyone 300 feet of me especially a kid yeah I know I can't uh I'm I'm too hard to piss exactly so we go in the ceiling we go in the stall he pisses and now he's a kid so everyone's hammering home you gotta wash your hands that's the big thing we've never done that I don't I don't give a shit about washing my hands but he you know I'm okay you gotta wash your hands never I have COVID so he tries to jump up on the the sink's high he's low so he's getting the sink he's like this he's balancing on his armpits oh sweet and low trying to soap and then he just loses it he slips and falls back sprawls out on the bathroom floor like like this and a bunch of college kids have to like duck oh and I'm like oh jeez he's retarded I'm sorry my son's got autism and he's

just laying there in a bag of piss and shit oh there's all kinds of feces and jizz on that floor too and I pick him up I go you all right and he does it gets this and I'm like god damn it there's 90 seconds left he's laying in piss I just wanted to get him a phone finger oh my god it's like my wife and so I gotta get down there like a catcher like Gedman and I'm like I'm rubbing his back which has piss all over it and I'm like you're okay I love you the worst is over you know I'm trying to do that and now you're rubbing a kid's ass in the bathroom and I go let me get these phone fingers on you and I'm like going like take me to your leader with the phone fingers he cracks he starts to smile okay I'm like let's get back in there let's bring home a W for UW and he goes all right

he's back the huskies good job funkel it was kind of like the defunding the uh police police yeah the kid I de-escalated de-esk so I bring him back in there we run up he's got the phone fingers the end of the game it's back and forth up and down UW it's a buzzer beater that ties the game wow over time half hour delay plus overtime is it 8 30 is it four in the morning it's like 1 a.m. I'm like oh my god I can't believe this they were worried about sleep but now they're all into the game because it's back and forth and up and down the crowd's going crazy they see one of the great games UW comes all the way back they win in overtime oh Jesus I'm missing therapy yeah we gotta get you out of here they win in overtime great game we drive home

they sleep the whole way home they got a bunch of phone fingers up their ass yeah I'm the funkel happy ending they're gonna remember that game forever mostly because the kid slipped in the bathroom but still I'm so late I hate being late it makes me psychotic to be late Rupert it's your fault I'll talk about you in therapy oh Jesus you're fine say some dates and we'll get you out of here plugs I just added a Tempe improv uh Tampa side splinters those are in May my website I got Tacoma coming up I got uh Spokane San Jose improv a bunch of fucking improv's uh but Tempe Tampa those are coming up a Wilbur theater of course and a whole bunch of shit get on my youtube subscribe youtube the love of god I'm putting a ton of shit up there and a new special coming out soon

a lot of stuff movie coming out documentary about Tom Dustin I have to run you can read the ads I got it I got it sorry Rupert fuck me no you're good go get help thanks folks say say bye to funkel better help.com yeah we'll see you all in hell uh oh yeah oh you're gonna leave it all right all right make sure you lock up we're locking up right Rupert yeah all right thank you uh go get on the patreon folks you gotta do it it's the best patreon going we got all kinds of fun stuff we're actually gonna show joe's therapy session on patreon next so sign up I'm all over the road marketwomancomedy.com you know where I'm at I'm in Jersey I'm in Rochester I'm in Toledo I'm in Dayton I'm in all the best cities in America that's it time to wrap her up thank you folks praise Allah

comedy