Tuesdays with Stories! - #495 Live at the Gramercy Theatre with Shane Gillis, Sal Vulcano + Ari Shaffir !

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

Join Joe List and Mark Normand as Tuesdays with Stories takes over the Gramercy Theatre in Manhattan. Shane Gillis, Sal Vulcano and Ari Shaffir jump onstage with the boys for this sold-out show to talk horse death, snake sex, Canadian strippers - and whole lot of stereotypes. It's a great big, grand Tuesdays, ladies and gentlemen. Jump on the Patreon to get the UNCUT version of this with 45 more minutes of podcasting and some behind-the-scenes footage! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Use code TUESDAYS at https://groovelife.com/TUESDAYS toget 20% off. - Get the best deal on a phone at https://mintmobile.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off with the code TUESGAYS athttps://www.SheathUnderwear.com

Hi there, Tuesdays. It's me, Joe List, twirling in circles here in Whitman, Massachusetts, the birthplace of the chocolate chip cookie. I wanted to let you know you're about to watch the first hour or so of our live Tuesdays with stories at the Gramercy Theatre from last week featuring myself, of course, and Mark Normand, of course, as well as Shane Gillis, Sal Volcano, and special guest drop-in. I'd like to be attacked by a hawk. Special guest drop-in, Ari Shafir, who I know you all love as much as we do, and it's about an hour or so, and then there's another, I think, 30 or 40 minutes going up on the Patreon. Sign up for the Patreon if you haven't already. If you're already there, thank you.

Hope you've been enjoying it. I think we got one of the best Patreons in the game, so you can catch the last bit on there, and if you want, or whatever, this is going well, too. I got distracted by the birds and the bees and the thing between my knees. My father's asshole. So anyways, go check out the show. You hear that, right? Go check out the Patreon. Sign up for the Patreon. Enjoy this episode. I think it was one of our best ever. Mark and I do about, oh, 20 or so, just the two of us, and then Sal and Shane come out, crowd goes wild, and it was just a bundle of laughs, a lot of fun, and we had a great hang before and after. I appreciate all you guys coming out, and hopefully this isn't making you

too dizzy, but enjoy it. Thanks for being here. We appreciate you. We hope you love the show as much as we love doing it, and we hope you enjoy this live one as much as we enjoyed it, and we're going to start doing these more, maybe quarterly, at the Gramercy, so thanks for buying tickets. Thanks for filling it up. Thanks for listening. Subscribe, comment, like, all that stuff. Appreciate you. Love you. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah!

This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. How many will get ready? All right. Yeah, I think we're good. How are we going? We'll do a 15-20 up top, just because they always yell at us if we don't do enough time. Okay, we'll bring you guys out. How long are we going to? Oh, that's a good question. I don't know, an hour or just a team, maybe? An hour and a half at the most. Okay. Woo! Good, buddy. Hey, hey. All right, we're really doing it. Yeah. That song is beautiful. It really gets you going. Very lovely. I want to blow you. It's a lovely song. Oh, yeah. Wow. Look at this. Yeah, it's pretty good.

They said sold out, but there's four seats front and center. This is like the old funny bone trick. They leave the front row open to be like, you didn't hit the bonus. Well, I got a lot of those stories mentioned where they go, hey, I'm not going to make it. It's snowy out there. Can you give my ticket away? Yeah. That's them. People message and they go, hey, I got two extra tickets for tonight. If you want to let, I'm like, I don't care. Well, what do you mean? I share it. I share it. Yeah. But I'm like, what am I going to fucking, hot tickets outside? Who needs two? A couple beauties right in front. I think the sharing implies the hot ticket outside. Can I just tell you real quick, this microphone smells like the inside of my father's asshole. It's...

Oh, so does mine. Let me smell that one. It's bad. This is worse. Oh, man. You're not kidding. You might want to give that to the guest. Yeah. Switch it now. I used to wet the bed on one night stands and I would do a lot of like... Oh, wow. Oh, geez. Thank you, Will. That was terrifying. What about this one? Smell that, Will. That's pretty good. Oh, all right. All right. Will, I'm not on over here. He'll get you. Hey, we got more people. All right. Did you guys have tickets? Did you find some free ones? All right.

What time do you think my microphone will start? I mean, you could grab another, I guess. Give it a tap-a-roo. Hello. There you go. But if Michael Richards' microphone doesn't work, it's going to be awkward. Oh, yeah. He's our guest. He's very easy to get these days. Not too busy. Are we going back to the stinker? All right. It's like a press conference. There we go. Boy, this is the hottest crowd ever.

Oh, yeah. Hotest crowd, smelliest bike. Thank you, Will. All right. I think you're about done. You're freaking me out back there. Oh, boy. Good to see you, buddy, while we played some pickleball today. Oh, yeah. That was something. It's the closest to wife-swapping we'll get. Yeah. Is it? Well, maybe not. But we swap teams there.

Yeah. And then we did the very end. We did boys versus girls. And that was really satisfying. Yes. Fun time. Really smacked them around a little. We pulled a real Leah Thomas. Yeah. But, well, again, what the hell? I think this guy's got aspects in comedy. Aspects. There we go. Oh, that's nice. So it wasn't, it was that microphone really did smell bad. Yeah. It was putrid.

Yeah. All right. Yeah. Pickleball. So I got big, big do-ins talking, talking about here. Do-ings. Aspect. Is that a whiskey? Huh? Whiskey.

Oh, do-ers. Ah. Yes. All right. So what happens? You tease this downstairs. And I got a little annoyed because we're downstairs. Great hang downstairs, by the way. Good hang. Really great guests. Fun guests.

Frankly, you guys are in the way of like a great hang. We were really, you fucked us. We're having the time of our lives down there. It was a good time. So you said something big happened. Do you want to tell me? Well, first off, two things. I'm dropping the bombs tonight. Two, one, had breakfast with Jerry. Woo!

Yeah. Very exciting. Very fun. Hour and a half. Pancakes. Just gushing, dishing, chatting. Cleafing. Wow. What's his pancake situation? Butter, a lot of butter, syrup. A lot of butter. And he put a dabble and I said, come on. What are you, gay? And he was like... And so then he goes, look at two plates. So then we got two plates. And I really just aint only raped that thing.

Oh, you shared pancakes? Well, we got a stack and we got separate plates. Wow. But equal. Separate but equal plates. Separate but equal. Yes. Commemorative plates. But vanity plate. But yeah, it was great. So how did it initiate? What happened? How did it start? So I've been bugging him for two years, you know.

I always text. He never texts. And eventually I text and he goes, I heard he got married. And I go, oh yeah. And he goes, wow, that's crazy. I know I give it a year. And then he said, I'll teach you how to stay married and not get divorced. And I was like, oh, okay. He's got all these tips. So that was it. So I go, hey, we should get a bite sometime and talk about it. He goes, yeah, yeah, sounds good. And that was four months ago.

And then I wait and I wait and here we are. So, but you're skipping the last part. So did you say breakfast to anyone or did he say it? I got a, well, I told Salacuse, our gay photographer friend about it. And he goes, just ask him. So I just had a good set one night and I go breakfast tomorrow. And he goes, let's do it. Wow. That was it. Yeah. So just go for it, folks.

Give it a shot. Everybody texts Jerry tonight. Yeah. Give out the number. That would be a good ending for the show. Hang on. Let me pull it up. Come down on an apron or whatever. Where is Salacuse? Shouldn't he be fucking shooting, by the way? He's over there.

Oh, there he is. He's stealth. And is Chuck out there too? We shouldn't. Don't break up, Chuck. That's just in case. I don't want people to leave. We'll get assassinated.

By the way, go pack Joe's over there. Great to see you. Yeah. This guy's the father of a six month old child. He flies all the way across the country to see us. Fuck that kid, baby. Yeah, you made the right choice. Someone's going to clip that with me saying fuck a kid.

Oh, there's hours of it. Oh, good point. I went to my nephew, Joey, little Joe. I'm big Joe. You know we should get his visual aids. We have regular aids, but we should get visual. Just so the folks who got off their ass and came out to see could know what the fuck Derek looks like.

I don't know if that's a great idea. Oh, okay. But yeah, it would be fun. Visual aids would be fun. Go pack Joe could be up there and chuck. You know what I just realized? Aids isn't really visual. If I had aids, you wouldn't know it.

Have you seen Philadelphia? You're all state. It feels like... Oh, it's a city. Sorry. It feels like gaunt is only used in relation to aids, I feel like. No, anorexia. I guess so.

Definitely going, oh, he's a little gaunt. I guess. I think of gaunt as aids. It's big with aids. I'm not knocking that. I'm just saying, I've seen with anorexia and meth. Oh, gaunt. You get the sunken face.

I guess so. I don't want to lay down on the gauntlet. But, keep going. Gaunt with the wind. What was I saying? Oh, so I went to... Gaunt in 60 seconds. Sorry.

I went down to the baseball practice. He plays basically six. Oh, nice. Little Joe. We're back to fucking kids? Yeah, it's got to come around to fucking the kids. So the coach says, hey, any of you dads want to help out? And I go, hey, I'll help out.

I love baseball and kids and pretending to be a dad. So I went in and I started playing. He wanted to break the kids off into groups to play catch width. I ended up having one kid and his name was Dash. Wow. These young kids, there's no Joe and Jeff and Mark and Bob. That's out. It's all Dash and Apple and Dildo.

It's like, the names are wacky. I'm not even joking. There's not a single Bill or Bob. Dash. I mean, that's too much pressure to put on a kid. He's going to be trans. I mean, you have to live up to Dash. He could be a woman Dash man.

There we go. Okay. There you go. Go back. What's your kid's name? Can you say it? Austin. Austin.

That's normal. That's ish. That's the city. That was hip when I was a kid. But that got normalized. Austin Matthews. Austin. What's Dash's sister name?

Hyphen. All right. But my kid was good. He could really catch and throw. So we had like a regular old pass. It felt like we connected. But all I can think the whole time is that if people go, what's up with, who is this guy?

Funkel Joe? They look us up. I've said fuck a kid on 300 podcasts. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's a problem. If any slight Googling, they'd be like, this guy, he can't play catch with our, with Dash.

It's going to be like Joe Rogan's N word collage. Yeah. You know, just over and over and over. Because my theory used to be, well, we do it so much that they'll never be able to pick. You know, there's too much to choose from. Yeah. But I guess that N word thing disproved that

because that was a 12 year run of full on Kramer's. Yeah. But I think people know we don't, we're not encouraging kids. Yeah. Austin seems hot, but. Sure. And this Dash kids got my number.

I'll tell you that. Well, there's another kid in the team. I'm not joking. Dash, Nash and Dash. Oh. Like a legal team. Geez. All right.

Well, I'm getting a little Dash bored. But, ah, sorry. All right. Now I got another humdinger for you. Yes. Hit me with another ball. All right. I did something that you've been shitting on me for,

for about 12 years. And I finally rectified it. Hmm. Got a calendar? Take a guess. No, no, no. Let me think. Oh, the audience has guesses.

Maybe the audience will know. Fix the watch. Oh, oh. Still broken. Someone said it. TSA pre-check. I got pre-checked. Yeah.

Who gets that? They should win something. Oh, it's Go Pac Joe. Go Pac Joe. Yes. For the win, one of us gets to fuck your kid. That's your prize. Yeah.

Or both. All right. All right. I think he's laughing. I think we're good. Yes. Yes. Yes.

The wife's not listening, right? Oh, okay. By the way, many people have tweeted at me and be like, what the fuck is a Go Pac Joe? Oh, yeah. That. So you got the pre-check. I got the pre.

I'm excited to use it. Did you get clear too? I got clear and clear. You can't clear. I had clear years ago, but I, you know why I got it? You can sign up at Staples. What? So just go to Staples.

You don't have to go to LaGuardia. Like a chooch. They got that? They got Staples. Nothing on that. They got that? Remember the commercial? They say, yeah, we've got that.

I don't watch TV. All right. It was pretty good. When that commercial was running, every commercial ended with Staples. This might have been in the 90s, by the way. Maybe that's why you're not laughing. But it would say Staples. Yeah, we've got that.

But right before it, I would always say double-sided dildo. And they would say, yeah, we've got that. Oh, that's fun. Nazi memorabilia, we got it. Yeah, that's a good bit. I do think that campaign was like 1994. Right. Yeah, that's a bummer when they change slogans.

Yeah. Because a lot of my bits have slogans in them. So they change them. You know, like, eat fresh. Is that still going? I think so. And then when you think with the pedophilia, he was kind of eating fresh. The kids are still young.

Yeah, fresh kids. All right, we're going to move it along. This is dangerous territory. We're sorry. This is real bad. You know it's bad when our audience is like moving along. All right. Sorry, folks.

This is what's going on in our heads while we're sitting on a stage. I was holding a microphone. I always wonder, too, if there's somebody that's been dating someone for like, you know, six weeks, 10 weeks, they go, my favorite podcast is in town. Oh. Let's go down and check it out. I think you're going to like it. Give you a little window into what I'm all about.

Yeah. Oh, that's happening now. They're pointing at. Hey. Oh, geez. Oh, my God. We're so sorry. Sorry, ma'am.

Trust me, it's usually a lot worse. So. How long have you been together? A month. A month. All right. You know he's gay. All right.

All right. All right. And this is one of your favorite shows. And so you brought your squeeze. And how do you, how do you like it so far? It's intense. Okay. I'll take intense.

I've heard worse. Sorry about the. He brought it up. Question. No, I think you did. Ah, you're right. Eat fresh. I was going to end it there.

The point is the real story, though, is I volunteered with children and it was great. The rest is just. I think most pedophiles are volunteering with children. Yeah. All right. Yeah. We'll move on. Forget everything.

Okay. Okay. We're moving along. I wish we had that men in black thing. It's like. Oh, geez. That'd be nice. That would give me a lot of jams, but volunteer firefighter.

That's noble. Yeah. Trying to spin it to something positive. Yeah. No, that's cool. That takes a lot. Most people are like, I wouldn't jump in a burning building and these guys are doing it for free.

Yeah. That's so weird because I grew up. I'm from a firefighter family. Yes. So the idea of volunteers is very strange because they're like, they get paid. It's like, it's like volunteer surgeon to me. I'm like, I don't understand what you're doing out there. Well, I think surgeon.

You could cut a guy's veins, but with firefighter, you could help with the hose or something. But with firefighter, you could just not go. You know what I mean? You could just be like, nah, I'm tired. I guess, but then you get kicked off. The whole point of volunteering is because you want some action. I know, but like I've volunteered before, but there's days where you're like, I don't feel like it.

Right. Like a free show. Like if someone asks you to do your bar show, if it's like snowing, you're like, nah, I'm not going to do that. But they asked you. And you said yes. But no one asked to volunteer. They go, I'm volunteering.

I suppose so. But you could volunteer if you're asked. Like if I said, hey, can you come help me with my groceries? And you say, sure, you're volunteering. I guess. Yeah. My brother was in the Peace Corps. He went.

All right. We got to get back to kid fucking stat. All right. All right. All right. Sorry. She's smiling. She likes it.

She likes kids. All right. All right. I think you guys got to go the distance. All right. Well, I had my Jerry, I had my pre-check. I'm plum out. Yeah.

What else did I add? Nash and Dash. Dash is big. Yeah. And Gash. What? It'd be funny if they had a sister named Gash. Now that's a funny Gash.

Gash and Dash and the sister Gash. Oh, man. That's good. What about one of the kids is sick? He's rash. All right. All right. Here we go.

I got a challenge for you. All right. Because I got the timer going so we know when to bring our guest out, which is soon. Okay. Okay. Big challenge. We already said Gash, that doesn't count. Let's see if you can get 10 synonyms for vagina.

Oh, this is easy. In 10 seconds. Wait. Give me 20. You want 20? Just because of the world. It's going to be 12 then. 12 vaginas in 20 seconds.

Don't help. Don't help. But you guys count. All right. We'll start in four. Three, two, one, go. Punani, clam, honeypot, hatchet wound, love hole, pink taco. Shit.

I'm blanking. Cunt. Cunt. Cunt. Pussy. Gash. Oh, no Gash. That's 20 seconds.

How many did I get? I don't know. I heard eight different numbers. He's saying 70. He's saying nine. Seven, eight, nine. Squish. We would have accepted.

Squish. All right. All right. Box. Oh, I'm a fucking homosexual. How did I miss box? What is it? Ham wallet.

Ham wallet. That's a great one. Man, that sounds like a good running back. You know, Ham wallet. That guy, he's got some wheels. Vajayjay, Vaj, Vaj. Meat curtains. Coochie.

Clam. I said clam. I said clam. Okay. Coochie and cooter. Oh, cooter. Twat. Ah.

These are all things I call my niece. Damn it. All right. Well, speaking of pussies and cunts. What? Snips. Snips. Oh, I have that on DVD.

Damn it. I got the box set. All right. All right. All right. Well, speaking of pussies, we got some great guests. Oh, big pussies. I hope they're ready.

Are they over there? Two. Two large men. I don't want to give anything away. Uh-oh. They're not even ready. All right. They're drinking.

There's a bar downstairs. So, uh, they're coming. Oh, they're coming up now. All right. What about you? Five dicks. Five dicks. Go, go, go.

All right. How much though? Dick, cock, Hogan. Hogan. That was... Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've never heard of Hogan. We did Hogan.

Hogan was a big one for us. Schlang, peace, hog. All right. Chode, cock, dick, weiner. Ding-a-ling. All right. All right. Speaking of dicks and pussy, we got our guest.

They're waving at us. Hogan. All right, all right, all right. I bet one of them has used Hogan before. All right. Hulk Hogan. Here we go. You want to bring them out?

I'll bring them out. I don't think they need introductions. They're famous. They're rich. They're successful. They're hilarious. They're not particularly attractive. Come on out, everybody.

It's Sal Volcano and Shane Gillis, everybody. There we go. Whatever. Hey, look at this, guys. Going nuts. All right. There we go. Wow.

That's a bigger pop than we got. Did I break your chair? I think you're good. Ooh, doggie. All right. We have a type, obviously. We like chunky honkeys. Yeah.

You're half a honky. Aren't you a Puerto Rican? Yeah, I'm a Puerto Rican. OK. Half. I'm a half Puerto Rican Cuban mix and a half a towel. Woo. Yeah.

That's a spicy sandwich. Yeah. And you're a full mix. It's official. I got my 23 and me today. Literally no deviation at all. It was 100% Irish and Scottish. That's not a joke.

I looked at the screen. It's 100%. Not anyone in his lineage fucked anyone outside. But are we in the history of human beings? Are we surprised? Look at that mug on that guy. Yeah. Oh, I know.

He's got a can of beer. Yeah. I don't see anyone that looks like me other than when I was there. Right. When I got there, I was like, oh, yeah, I'm from here. The only lady is me and the fucking chick from the zombie show. The last of us. The girl from the...

Oh, yeah. That's it. Whoa, I see it. It's me and her. Yes. And you look like Pedro. Pedro. I do.

It looks like my grandfather actually. Oh, there you go. Now, how do you feel about it? Are you feeling proud? No, I was hoping there was something. Right. It's just Irish and Scottish. That's pretty cool.

That's like old school, though. Forever? Well, not forever. You could... No, but some people get, like, other stuff. You're like, oh, I got a little... Yeah. Everybody's got, like, 1% Jewish in them.

I was kind of hoping that. Yeah. Wouldn't hurt. But Scottish, they're known for being cheap, so you have a little bit of... Is that right? Really? Yeah, of course. That's like a well-known stereotype.

Really? I didn't know that. Never heard of it. Seriously? No one in this room has heard that. Applaud if you've heard that Scottish people are notoriously cheap. Yeah. Smattering.

That's right. That's what... Your boy, Seinfeld, is always giving shit to Leno, because he's Scottish, and he doesn't spend his tonight's show money. Oh, yeah. They don't... Sarah was just asking about my wife. She's Scottish?

Half. Oh, yeah. Half Scottish, half Italian. That guy was a fucking alien. Yeah. We were just wondering about this, why Jews got hit so hard with the stereotype of being cheap, but Scots, it's more like English people are like, these Scots are cheap. What happened there?

Well, I think Jews have been cheap over the years. I can't believe you guys don't know. I think I know every stereotype to make fun of people with. Hmm. Do Jewish people cop to being cheap, though? Maybe Scottish don't? Maybe that's a distinction? That's not fair.

I don't know. I'm just trying to speak out of turn for the Jews. Do we have any Jews here? Oh, yeah. All right. Do you guys acknowledge that the stereotype of being cheap is accurate? Yeah, he snuck in. This guy.

I saw him. He was hiding under the floorboards. No good? All right. It's a movie reference. All right. And a war reference. Yeah, yeah.

Which was a reference to an atrocity. I saw the movie first. I'm not familiar with the war. I'm going off the Quentin Tarantino film. But anyway, Google Scots are cheap because I feel like a bigot up here. But this is solid, you know, rumor. Oh, Jews? Attic two.

Okay. Sorry. That ship had passed. I think all your Europeans are cheap. None of them fucking tip. Scotty Pippen doesn't tip. Who? Who doesn't?

It's true. I was told that by reliable sources. Who doesn't tip? Scotty Pippen. Oh, yeah. Tell him the nickname. I think they could probably... It is.

We were talking about it just before, but this is true. A waiter at a restaurant told me, like, he was like, oh, you know, who had gotten here? Scotty Pippen. And he says, you know, he notoriously doesn't tip. And I go, no. He goes, you know what we call him? At the restaurant, he goes, no tipping Pippen. Makes sense.

Makes sense. Your word. It might just be because he's an African-American. I've heard they don't tip. You know all the stereotypes. What? Who does? Who does tip?

We're crossing out on a group. Have you every heard that one? I've not heard that one. Wait, you never talk to the staff at a comedy club once. You don't know one waiter? What's that? All right. I thought I heard Richard Link later.

What'd you say? I said, you don't know a waiter. Oh, a waiter? Yeah, I know a couple. I used to wait tables, and there was a black waiter, and he wouldn't take the black tables. Oh, wow. Let's all take a moment and think about that.

Yeah. I'm not saying it. Black guy said it. But, yeah. Pippin and Europeans, they all come here, and they don't tip. You have to remind them, hey, we tip here. It's a whole thing.

You know when you go over there and you try to tip? Oh, they don't like it. They don't like it. They think you're big time in them. Yeah. Like trying to give you money. Yeah. I had a tip story, and I went to Peru years ago,

and then I didn't have any Peruvian cap. And the cab driver drove me to the hostel, and he was like, it's down this, I don't want to do an accent, it's offensive, but he was like, it's down this. Come on. He's like, oh, it's down this hill here. I don't know.

He's bad. Whatever. It's offensively bad. Peruvian. He was like, it's down the hill. He goes, the hostel down the hill. I can't drive there. It's too narrow.

And I went, oh, no problem. It was whatever, like seven Peruvian bucks. And all I had was a 20. So I was like, ah, just take this. And then the guy was like. He drove up over the sidewalk. I was like hitting bikes and fruit stands and shit. And he put me like up onto the thing and got out

and opened the door. And he was like, my friend, my friend, welcome. And I was like, oh, I just gave this guy $5,000 to drive. It was very exciting. I felt like. Why were you heading to the hospital in Peru? That's what we all want to know. Hostel.

Oh. I'm Scottish. I didn't want a hotel. So. Hey folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Groove Life. Time to get rid of that wallet bulge and upgrade your style with Groove Life. The Groove Wallet is your new sleek accessory.

One simple thumb motion. Perfectly fans up to six cards for easy access to find something you need. You know me. I got mental problems. They sent us this thing. I can't stop clicking and flicking. Such a fun mechanism.

Yes. Yes. Good engineering. It's a sweet mechanism. I just slide it up. I slide it down. I slip it. I slide it.

View of the Zippo. It never ends. Oh my God. I love it. It's durable, high quality aluminum outer shell. The wallet is unlike any wallet you've ever seen. That's true. It is totally different.

Hard case. It's beautiful. Ham wallet. It happens to your Groove Life gear. They are here to help with Groove Life's 94 year old. What? 94 year, no BS warranty. The Groove Wallet is the last wallet you'll ever need.

Yeah. It's time to bring your wallet into the 21st century. Head to groovelife.com slash Tuesdays and use promo code Tuesdays for 20% off all Groove Life products. That's the best offer you'll find. But you have to use our code Tuesdays for 20% off your order. One last time, that's promo code Tuesdays for 20% off your order. Hey folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

Why are you still paying insane amounts of money every month on your phone bill? Mint Mobile lets you order from home and save with phone plans starting from just as low as 15 clams a month. That's insane. That's not many clams. Making saving money by switching to Mint, the easiest New Year's resolution to complete. That should be updated. All plans come with unlimited talk and text plus high speed data delivered on the nation's

largest 5G network. Holy hell. Love your current phone? No problem. I'll use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and switch easily in minutes with eSIM. I gotta do this. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash Tuesdays.

That's mintmobile.com slash Tuesdays. Cut your wireless bill to 15 smackeroos a month at mintmobile.com slash Tuesdays. Folks, Tuesdays is also brought to you by of course, Sheet. Sheet underwear. The official underwear of comedy. If you're tired of having your dick stuck to your balls, your balls stuck to your leg and your legs stuck to your dick, it's time to try Sheet. It's got two pouches.

One for your dick, one for your balls. Sheet underwear comes in tons of cool patterns to help you look good and feel comfortable. I think I got a pair of blues on right now. Look at that. Double sheet, baby. We love them. Go to sheetunderwear.com and order with promo code 2sgaze. This guy's a real fan.

You get 20% off your first order and Sheet's 100% money back guarantee that SheetUnderwear.com promo code 2sgaze. That's how confident they are. Go to SheetUnderwear and let them support your cajoni. That's it. Back to the show. You ever go to a strip club that doesn't like throw ones at the ladies? No.

What do they do? One that happened to me once in South Carolina. We were sitting there throwing ones and they were like, don't be fucking disrespectful. We were like, all right. Well, we thought you were strippers. Yeah. What are you, supposed to Venmo? I was just in Canada.

What? I was just in Canada this weekend. We went to a strip club. They don't even fucking have ones. They got loonies and tunies. Yeah, we had to give them fives. We were the only ones tipping. But do they do the one you put the tunie on your forehead and then they get down and they

what they are? Yeah. Yeah, they're doing a lot of that. Wait a minute. Dude, everybody was putting money in their mouth too. Whoa. Everyone. I can't deal with that.

I only go to the strip clubs that do Apple Pay. That's all I did. Just go right by the puss. You just double click. There's a barcode down there. Little red scanner comes out of the snatch. Take it under it. I've told this story before on the podcast, but we went to when I was 18 to 21,

I grew up in New England, so we'd always go to Montreal. Everyone would go up there. And did you ever go when you were underage? No. Not that far? No. No, you should have. So far.

But we went up there. So far. It's like a 15-hour drive. Where are you from? I thought you were from Pennsylvania. Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Yeah. The capital.

Someone Google that. It's not 15 hours. 11, 12. All right. Someone said six over there. Some fucking idiot. Somebody pull up Harrisburg to Montreal. Where's Montreal, but where's that border?

What town? What? It's like, what's the border? It's New York state. It's like Buffalo. Buffalo's Toronto. Oh. Montreal's further east.

Vermont? Yeah. Vermont. Yeah. Eight hours. All right. That's still heavy. Heavy duty.

Yeah. Anyways, the point of the story is. No, no, no. You're right. I should have driven eight hours to drink. And strippers. Strippers. Hot ones.

I'm sure that this better than the Harrisburg strippers. Oh, no. Oh, no. Dude, not there. Disrespect savannas. But we went up there and I've told you this. I don't know if you guys have heard it. I went up there and we did a double donk.

We all pooled our money to get a double donk show. These women would fuck each other with like a big double dildo. And then one of them was eight. I'm going to do the accent. Sorry. But she was Asian. She said, what's your name? And I said, I said, Joe.

And then she was like getting fucked with the dildo. She goes, oh, Joe, your dick is so small. You got small dick. And I was like, what the fuck is that? I don't want to be. Wait, it was a dildo. Yes. But she was pretending to get fucked by me.

She was looking at me being like, oh, it's too small. You don't bring me pleasure. And I was like, why? And you consistently drove eight hours for that. So how quick did you come? I was just like, I don't understand. I'm not. I don't want to be the fucking small dick guy.

I got a decent dick. Oh, Joe, it's so decent. You got a decent dick, Joe. Are you guys into that? Like a woman being like, yeah, your dick is small. You bitch. No, no. I've never enjoyed it once.

Out of dozens of times. Yeah, I just, I wasn't, I'm like, and I was, I'm like, this is all my money. I'm out of money for this. Yeah. There's a lot more value at the Canadian Shrimp Clubs. I've only gone once, but it was quite the trip. Yeah.

The women are hotter, I think. I don't recall, but I do recall that like here, it was like a lap dance, like 20 bucks. And they had things like I've never seen over there. Like they're really like progressive. Yeah. Like it was $20 Canadian, which was like 15 bucks us for a shower, a shower dance.

And there's this showers on stage. Oh, wow. And these two girls take showers together for 20 CAD. Wait, do you get to shower? No, you don't get to shower, but you watch them shower. I'm more of a bath guy. Yeah. 20 bucks.

What's that? 20 bucks. 20 CAD. Yeah. What year is this? Early 2000s. Okay. Wow.

I went for a bachelor party. I feel like a lap dance, you get a little interaction. But they have those two. Oh, okay. But I'm saying like, I mean, that's like, that seems like it would be 50 bucks at the minimum. Could you loofah? Two people take a shower, you watch.

Could you get in there and, and I don't know. It was like, it was like behind like a, like a, it was a plexiglass plexiglass. It was still very, it was still very unique. Well, you don't want to get sprayed. You need some kind of, I guess so. Yeah. Does the plexiglass steam up though?

And then you kind of, right. And are they using soap or body wash? Well, body wash is soap. You mean bars? Bar. No, there was no bar. There was no soap. Oh, yeah.

No soap? No, I think it was just, you know, the fanfare of it. You know, they went through the motions and then you add whatever you want up here. All right. Flip flops? Yeah. No.

I mean athletes. Water shoes. It threw the whole thing off. All right. It was showering. That's interesting. We would go up there. This is like 2001 and we would literally bring 200 bucks

for like a two days of strip clubs and drinking. Wow. But then back then you could exchange the money and they'd give you back like 300 Canadian. That would last you for a couple of days. That's all. Yeah. I can't remember if that, the hotel, I can't remember.

Well, you can shower at this place. The truck drivers ever use it for the shower. Oh, yeah. They're like, here's 20 bucks. Step aside. I haven't rinsed in a while. Those rest stops, the gay hangouts, they have showers. Oh, yeah.

Right on the side of the road. Any gay guys? Pickle park. You got that right, Faddy. My friend Derek just showered at the Delta Lounge in Seattle. Whoa. Have you ever done that? You can shower at the Delta Lounge?

Yeah. Yeah. Delta's fucking sick. That's insane. It's only 15 bucks. I'm in the, yeah, I'm in there a lot. Canadian. I didn't know there was even a shower.

It's weird though looking at other people you're going to be on the plane with. How about that? Yeah. I didn't know you could shower. Yeah. The stakes are coming. They got almonds and everything. I don't like the Delta Lounge breakfast.

Not for me. Do you have the same problem I have? It pisses me off. There's dang eggs. Yes. They're little pucks. They give you little hockey pucks of eggs. And they put shit in them.

This is what bothers me. Maybe you're similar. I don't want to insult you. So I'll just say my thing and then you can be like, me too. Yeah. Maybe. Hashtag. I go there.

They forget Delta's trying to be classy. Yes. They forget a lot of us are white trash pieces of shit who just fly a lot. Right. They want scrambled eggs with cheese and a hot dog. And they're like, we got scrambled egg pucks with fucking peppers and onions and salmon. And I'm like, get out of here. I want hotel scrambled eggs.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, dog. Powdered eggs. Delicious. Mm-hmm. Yeah. All right.

I'm Irish and Scottish too. So. Yeah. Powdered eggs. There we go. Cheap fucks. You're the cheapest here. Yeah.

Hard in a way. It's insane. I think I'll have some Jew in me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All Scottish and Jew. But I'll tell you what, the lounge, when that clicks over to lunch, it's a party. I got the same issue for lunch.

What? It's hot dogs and lasagna. You can get some hot dogs, dude. Yeah. Hot dogs. It's hot dogs. A Delta lounge. Oh, yeah.

You get some hot dogs. Hot dogs on the side. You gotta know where the hot dogs are. I eat them in the shower. Love it, baby. Maybe the Harrisburg Delta lounge, but not LaGuardia. What's your, what's your flights that you got precheck, clear? I got all of it.

You have to. Me too. If you're us, you have to. I got precheck. Yeah. It's poor people out here. You don't. You certainly have it.

I have it now. Yeah. I'm in the club, baby. It pays for itself. It saves you one fight. It pays for itself. Come on. I've been saying that for years.

Yeah. So. Mark also flew in a middle seat coach on his honeymoon to fucking wherever. Is that true? Well, it was. Yeah. He's so cheap. No, but that's, that's, you're joking.

No. Middle seat coach. I paid for the lady as well. So you got to double that. You got to give her the aisle. We were on a flight together. He ate my meal. I was like, I'm not hungry.

He was like, I'll take kids also. We were in first class. You got two Delta meals. It was meatballs. We got two meatballs. Did make it the aisle or the. I think I gave her the window. Okay.

And then you had someone else to your left. Yeah. Some old, some old bag. How long was the flight? Oh, geez. Where was it to? South Africa. Holy shit, dude.

No. That was my, that was my apartheid. No. It was not to South Africa. And we did China coach. Oh God. You just, you just put a plan in place and you save. You just, you just scrapped together something.

Well, I figured when you land, you're going to be there anyway. You make great money. Yeah. After these flights I'm buying. You sell out beacons and sit in middle seats. Holy. Sorry. That was my Chinese.

Oh. Too far. I love that Mark's like, yeah, they don't tip. And the mark pretends to bus table so we can eat the buffalo wing scraps. No one is cheaper. That has never fit, not worked. Anybody can go eat scraps off. You don't have to pretend to be doing anything.

You can go up and go here. Do you work here? You can go. Hey, everybody. I'm about to eat these scraps. And they'll go, please don't, but. Go ahead. They would have kicked me out by then, but if you use a little finesse, you're in.

The guy eating the scraps. I'd never seen him before in my life. Oh no. Oh. Speaking of homeless. This is, this is borderline anti-Semitism. Get the manager. Get him a chair.

I guarantee. I guarantee. I guarantee. I guarantee. That's unbelievable. Speak to the Jew devil. What is a common stereotype about Scottish people that have in common with Jews? That's an easy one.

Yeah. You gave him the answer. How was the copper wire invented? Two Scots fighting over a pence. Oh. There's a million of these. Yeah. Are they that bad?

All of them? Well, hey, what are you doing here? Hobo Joe? Came for the free pizza. Hey, I know what that's about. Got another slice of my pocket. That's what I'm here. Got a steal of my moves.

Why did you eat half of it? What? I didn't eat half of it. I didn't eat half of it. I didn't eat half of it. I didn't eat half of it. I didn't eat half of it. What?

It's heavy. You got to fit in the pocket. You got to eat the half. That pocket's ruined. I saw an angle on another one, so no one's taking that one. All right. Woo, we got to get a black friend. Does anyone have any tips?

Not a hurry. Woo, I don't think we can put this on YouTube. Oh, we got one here now, so it's okay. And I think you're part Afro-American-y. Like, seven or eight percent. My 23 and me said that anyway. There you go. Word.

My wife's African-American. That's right. So. And Elon Musk. My wife, my fiance, has an inner ear infection. That's for us. My wife. Guess how many horses died in World War I?

Horses? We just did this downstairs. I'll tell you, I'll tell you my guess. Everyone pick a number, say it. I'll tell you what my guess was. You know? I got a number. We know the answer.

We now know the answer. Horses? How many horses died in World War I? Related to the war, or just in general? Related to the war, natural causes, everything, like, you know? I got a number. All right, what's your guess? 875.

What are you, a fucking idiot? All right, next. No, no, no, no. Don't say that. 800. World War I? I'm the fucking game. How are you?

Jesus Christ. Fuck you, it's my game. I asked him this back there, and now he's hijacking the game. It's my game out here. No, it's my game out here. It's my game out here. Hijack the game. Norman.

I'll say 250k. Wow. Well, the Germans didn't have to kill horses for glue because they had us for that. Oh. World War I. Jew glue. Oh, one. Okay.

Elmer's Jew. I'm going $1. $1. What was the guess? I missed Ari's guess. $1. One horse. I'm going low.

You're going one. Yeah. All right, so what's the number? 8 million. 8 million. My guess was 800 as well. Wait a minute. It's a rough estimate, but...

I didn't know there was 8 million horses. Wow. Don't tell them about the Holocaust. That's an inflated number. Yeah, it does seem a little high, doesn't it? Yeah. What was the world population at that point? 500,000.

8 million horses? The world population of people? Yes. Like 5, 4, 4 or 5 billion. So there was more horses than people in 1914? 8 million horses. Yes. 4 or 5 billion people.

Oh, billion. It wasn't 4 billion people. In 1915? 19... Yeah. It was like 2 billion now. There's like 8 billion now. It's like 8 or 9 billion now.

No, it wasn't 4 billion people 100 years ago. Was there? Yeah, probably. I thought there was like... I might be low. It might have been, yeah, like 5. Did you just pro-rate that in your head just based on today's population? Yeah.

Did you just say 8 billion and I'll go back X amount of years? It's probably 4 billion. Yeah, but... Yeah, probably. You said it so confidently. I bet you I'm right. Oh, boy. Here we go.

Alright. If you're right, you'll be one for two on the show. Harrisburg to Montreal is what I'm referencing. Oh, hold on. Let's see. It was a world of 19. Oh, wow. Oh, never mind.

2 billion. Yeah. I think that's what I said. No, you said 2 billion now. No, you thought there were less than 8 million. No. Yeah, you said 8 million. Wait, there are more horses than people?

Well, you said 4 or 5, so I figured you meant million and not billion. Why? Wait, how many people died in World War I? Wait, you thought there were 1 million people in 1920 and now we have 8 billion? The war ended in 1918. Wow. What? You said 1920.

What are you trying to say? We're talking about 1914 to 1918. Alright, you Scots. We got it. I wish Burt was here. He's not. If 800 million horses died, it stands to reason more than... If 8 million horses died, it stands to reason more than 8 million people died then.

Obviously. Yeah. How many people died in World War I? That was my question. It was? Yes, that's how we started. I think a common technique was just to slash the horse's legs instead of the anime. You saved lives that way, but you still win.

They were also eating the horses. And horses were getting hit with artillery and shit. Yeah. They were just back to the end. Well, a horse is a horse. Of course. Of course. Yeah.

This is true. You guys ever ridden a horse? Wait a minute. How many horse died? I have ridden a horse. Yeah. Wow. Here's a wacky one.

I was in... My brother's in the Peace Corps, so I flew out coach to meet him. And I was on a beach in Guinea. Your Guinea or the Old Guinea? Wow. Easy. Easy. Oh, sorry there.

Sorry there, WAP. But, yeah. So we saw these African kids holding horses, and my dad goes, let's ride them. And I was like, ah, no saddle, no nothing. And he gives them a couple of shekels. The kids? These kids. Yeah.

Hey, hold your horses. And my dad gets a wild herb his ass. He gives these kids a couple shekels, and they give them a horse. And he just goes up down the beach like a pro. He grew up on a farm. And then he gets off the horse. He jumps down. He gives me the reins.

And I go, ah, I can't. I can't. I was probably the 17 city kid, you know? And he goes, get up there. And he scoots me up, and all the African kids are laughing at me. And he waps the horse's ass, takes off, and I... All the way up to the side, right face in the sand. They all wet nuts.

They talk about you to this day, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wish those horses were good. All right, you rid the horse? The rode the horse? Oh, yeah. Grew up on him.

He did musical chairs on horses. Did he give him your face? Oh, that was good. Hey. Yeah, I went to sleep away horseback riding camp. Seriously? Grew up quite wealthy. Really?

Yeah. Really? Yeah. We did musical chairs. As soon as the music stopped, you'd have to dismount and run to a fucking chair. You really did that? Yeah, I thought you were just fucking with us. No, you're trash.

I have class. Wow. Wait, you grew up rich? What? You're a rich kid? Yeah, I do. Obviously. So is this a disguise?

Nothing about that. It's obvious. It's muy obvio. What? What are you rebelling now? Yeah. This is all gap-related poverty where... Isn't it just like a rich kid to be a Cowboys and Yankees fan from Maryland?

Yeah, true. And Duke, and the Lakers, right? You're a Lakers guy. I also voted correctly for the last 17 presidents. You think he... Could you ride a horse bareback? Because it ain't easy. No, I fucked one bareback, and that was quite easy.

Yeah, that seems easy. I watched a friend just send me a video of this guy fucking a snake. A snake? What? Yeah, a python. Wow, that's... Dick in the snake. In the mouth?

He was sitting like this. The snake was up and over his shoulder, and he was fucking it upwards. Whoa. How about that? The snake wasn't being held down? No, the snake was laying like that. Just the snake was chilling while it got fucked by a human. Yeah, I'll show you.

Could you see? Wow. Wow. Can you see the dick in it? Like when you can see the deer? Yes. Really? Yes, dude.

It's fucked up. I wish women were like that. Wouldn't it be cool if you could see your own dick? Oh, fuck, that's illegal. The snake was like, you... Oh, here they are. Small dick. Oh, I don't know if I want to see this.

You're going to love it. Let's go on the Patreon. It starts with just a video of a guy fingering a lady, which is nice. Oh, yeah, that's nice. 100% method to make any pussy ejaculate fast. Oh, wow. Oh, thanks. What a good advertisement for a guy about to watch a snake and a guy fuck.

Oh, my God. This is tremendous. Yeah, it's very nice. The lady's on her stomach and the guy's giving it to the business. Yeah, it's in the old massage table, making a squirt thing. Yeah. But now it is a guy fingering a python. Oh, my God.

I don't like that. Oh, I don't like the pesticle. Oh, dude, it's so bad. Hand it down. It's so bad, dude. Oh, wait, I know that guy. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

It looks like it. Look at that guy fucking a snake. The snake is into it. That should have been Jake Roberts' finishing move. How about that? How did he get the snake off? He's giving it, like, pleasure. Yeah, he was fingering the snake.

I don't think snakes get pleasure. Wait, why did you? How'd you find that? Why do you know that? Fred sent that to me, but I saw it when I was a kid. Really? Yeah, you used to look at, yeah. You never looked at, like, fucked up internet videos?

I did. I saw a dog fuck a lady once. I saw a dog fuck a lady, too. And you know what? I'll be honest. She loved it. I wonder if it was the same lady. Probably.

That would be fun. But she was into it. The dog was really hammering. Everybody enjoyed it. Yeah. Yeah. No. So anyway, Sal, have you rode a horse?

I have. Yeah. Nice. Couple times. Couple times. Nice. I rode a camel. No horse.

What? I rode a camel. I've ridden an elephant. An elephant? What? I've ridden an elephant. An elephant? An elephant.

Oh, yeah, me, too. Really? Yeah. I went to Thailand. I was in Chiang Mai. And I was like, and they were like, we go into an elephant sanctuary. And I'm like, I did that. And they're like, the humane one or the cruel one?

I'm like, no, the humane one. And they're like, did you ride elephants? And I was like, yeah, like that's the cruel one. And I'm like, oh, okay. They didn't seem that put out. Yeah. Do they, do they, how does that go up there? You got a saddle?

Or is it? Believe it or not, I rode the elephant at the Meadowlands fair. Whoa. That was just Chris Christie. In hindsight, it is wild that there was an elephant walking the parking lot that I rode outside a giant stadium. Yeah. That's crazy.

That's not allowed anymore. Yeah. They said you used to see the elephants walk down when they did the greatest show on earth. What is that? Ringling. Yeah. Ringling. They had to do away with that.

Yeah. So they just get elephants walking off boats down Broadway. You see that guy get killed by that horse when they feel he fucks them? Yeah. That I saw. Pull it up. Mr. Hands. Mr. Hands.

I saw that Montreal. That's a classic. Have you ever seen a horse? Yeah. When I was in like eighth grade. Oh. Dominican Republic. That was the only time I ever did that.

The DR. Yeah. What were you doing down there? I had a rich aunt and uncle. Scouting prospects. Yeah. For the Phillies. Yeah.

Yeah. It was nice. I didn't want to get involved because it was a pretty nice experience. Nothing funny. Yeah. Yeah. It's a nice time riding a horse. I hear ya.

Mine bucked and they had to replace it. What? Well that sounded ominous. See. Like. We had to do what was necessary. No. It was literally sort of kicking up and I was in eighth grade.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was nice. I didn't want to get involved because it was a pretty nice experience. Nothing funny. Yeah.

Yeah. I was in eighth grade. Wow. I was at a dude ranch and I was freaking out. And I'm an eighth grade kid and I'm freaking out. And the cow hands, what do they call them? Cowboy. Cowboy.

Horse hands. He comes over. Horse whisperer. He literally chestizes me. He's like, well calm down. You're making it worse. I didn't have to wear with all to be like, I'm a child. Yeah.

Yeah. But they bought another horse and it didn't even move. It just ate a tree and I didn't go on the walk. Ah. All right. Remember when we got the horse, got loose and Ecuador? Oh yeah. We had to rain in a horse.

We left the fucking gate open. You fucking left the gate open. It's probably me. I was the last one out of the gate and I remember forgetting to close it. So it might have been me. Boy, we're pretty worldly. We got DR and Montreal strip club. Peru.

And Peru. South Africa coach. Meadowlands. What did you say? Ecuador. Ecuador. Have you ever seen them electrocute that elephant in Atlantic City? Yeah.

What? They were trying to prove how powerful electricity was. A fucking Roosevelt or somebody. Fucking what? I just fucking fried this motherfucker. Whoa. Pull it up. Can you eat elephant?

I think so. You can eat anything. Wow. Not ass, according to my wife. But there's so much elephant that can feed like an Asian. This guy knows a safari hunter. And he was over there and they were like, there was a rogue elephant, which is like a big problem. Like those dudes, they'll just fuck up an entire village.

They get like, yeah. So they were like, they called these professional hunters to go kill this elephant. And they shot it. And as soon as they killed it, they said the whole village came running out. Just carving this thing up. Oh man. Yeah, they were hungry. They were hungry.

By the way, going back a second, I like the idea of being bad at eating ass. Like your wife is like, you're no good. Come back up. Because like Pussy, there's like a clip and you got to hit the spot from what I understood. What I've read in the magazines. But an ass, I feel like you just get in there and lap it up. I would say she doesn't do it. I took that as you, her saying she won't do it to you.

Yes. I took it as you're like, no, she told you you're not good. No, I could eat ass like an elephant eater. So the cows come home. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. All right, you feel like a guy that doesn't need ass very often. I don't.

And I don't like my ass eating. I feel like I feel bad for the woman has to be down there. Well, that's because your balls are too heavy to lift to get up in there. Have you seen his balls? Smell that beard. So what do you do? You put in requests. How do you broach that?

You just like in the middle of it, just wake them up with it. Oh, I don't want her doing it to me. Oh, no, no, that's no good. I got a gummy bear in there and an old staple, you know. Oh, she won't let you. So all right, I interpreted it wrong. She doesn't want you to do that. She's worried that hers is unkempt.

Oh, she can do something to combat that. I guess. I guess you're right. Maybe so. We need to say eat. Why do we say eat? Stay out of it. Are you cocksucker?

We need a bidet is what we need at the house. You got a bidet? I don't have a bidet, but I always say this. I like eating ass if I'm involved in the shower. I want to have the bar of soap and really get it in there. A little penetration. You shower first, you wash it up, and then you know, you're like preparing your meal.

Exactly. I want to cook my own meal. Have you ever lifted, grabbed your ankles and said, eat my man pussy to somebody? That would be a wonderful episode of chef's table review. Yeah. No. Did you get your ass eaten?

I have in the past. Ew, dude. That is so gay, dude. That is gay. No, you go like, you say, you say, how about a taste of my man pussy? Holy hell. I'd let a snake eat my ass.

Seems like it might be interesting. Yeah, well, you could fuck them too, apparently. No, you haven't lived. I've lived. You've never had a tongue in your ass? No. What? No.

No, no one's even tried? I've seen you several, several have tried, dude. Really? It's like a scalabur. None have fit. I picture. Only the truth. I'll finally, when I find the right woman to eat my ass,

when I find the woman I don't respect at all, I'll let her do it. I bet you got a decent a-hole. You seem like you're hairless from the neck and neck. No, I am hairless. Thank you. I knew it. You got the body of an Asian boy.

Yeah, thank you. It feels like it would be very pink. Yep. Nice pink. Pink body. Nice pink. Everything, yeah, I'm a pink man. Yeah, you're a ham wallet.

Yeah. I think you might like it. Are you afraid, do you feel bad for them? Yes. I see. Yeah, yeah. That's how I feel. That's how I feel too.

Yeah. It's not fair. It's not right. My asshole looks like Ari's beard. Yeah, the hairs down there grow different. Oh, yeah. They're a little harder, a little coarser. Yeah.

More grayer. The rogue, they're angry. Yeah. You're hairless, really? Like. You are, you're pink and hairless. You are pink and hairless. You look like a big, young mouse.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sucks getting roasted by so many handsome guys. Literally the three ugliest guys I've ever seen. That can't be true. Have you looked in the audience? Yeah. What's up, fellas?

Come on, you've done skank first. Yeah. Have you seen the red-backed bugglies? But yeah, most comics are generally pretty unattractive, I'd say. I don't know. I think... Jesus, that scared me. I thought that was a fuckin'...

Well... Yeah, I gotcha. Thank you. Is that for Ari? Oh, can I back that up? Oh, you did it already? Wow! Thanks.

Comics are so diverse. That's what's fun about comedy is like there's... Not on this stage. Hot guy comics. There's ugly comics. There's blacks and whites. I'm talking from a diverse background. You have guys that dropped out of law school

and then you have people that were homeless crackheads and all that stuff. Like most jobs, if you're a lawyer, you're hanging out with lawyers, most people probably came from... Jews. Yeah. But comics, you're hanging out and you're like, oh, he's from the hood and he's...

That's true. Rich Jew and your pink, whatever. Yeah. It's not funny, I guess, but it's, you know... Yeah, I hear you. I agree with that. Like most plumbers aren't like, oh, I dropped out of Stanford and now I'm a plumber.

Right. But comedy, I'm sure somebody... You're all those a lawyer. We have doctors. Yeah. Demetri Martin is a lawyer. Was he? A lot of lawyers.

Yeah. Somebody else. Well, we had a good run there for a minute. I just figured someone would throw something out there funny. Shane, what other animals are you fucking? No, I just saw the snake one and the dog lady. The snake is great. I didn't know you could fuck a snake.

Yeah, that's new. No, me neither. That was tough. Somebody had a topic. Did you throw something out there? What was it? DiStefano. Oh, yeah.

DiStefano was no doctor. What? He was a physical therapist for 10 minutes. Chris DiStefano was a physical therapist, which is not a doctor. It's not a doctor. Oh, it's not? No.

And by the way, the first time... Skin cancer? Leg lifts are not doctors. One of the first times I hung out with DiStefano, we played basketball. This was like 15 years ago, 10 years ago, and a guy sprained his ankle. And DiStefano was like,

I'm a physical therapist and he gave him advice. I forget what he said, do this and that, pressure, blah, blah, blah. And the next day, this was Sarah's roommate. His ankle had fucking blown up. It was just massive and purple. And then the guy went to the emergency room and they were like, who told you that?

Are you kidding? And I can't tell if Chris is just retarded or who's fucking with him. Did you ever tell him that? No, I haven't. He doesn't talk to me anymore. He's very successful. But we used to be pretty.

We used to be like this, you know? Hey, folks. We got a hot Patreon cooking. You want the whole thing? It's gonna be on Patreon. The back half, that's where it gets really dicey. It's a doozy. Check it out.

Shout out to Gramercy Theater. Next one's at East Palestine. We'll see you there. Clean it up. It's all pipes.