Tuesdays with Stories! - #496 Bicepsual

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

Wooooo! The boys are HOT off their sweet, sweet Gramercy show and they're feeling good! Mark's having a breakfast with the big man. We don't want to blow the surprise so let's just call him Serry Jeinfeld. It's happening, baby - and we get the reeeeal dirt, as opposed to the little tease that we talked about at the live show. After the comedy high, Mark has a vehicular low when his classic car starts giving him a fewwwwww speedbumps. Then he meets a fan as the fan is getting arrested for being a little ... punchy. Finally, Joe gets into his special taping at the Village Underground - what went wrong, what went right? We're getting INTO IT! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Giveonline therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on yourway to being your best self. - Try Blue Chew for free at http://bluechew.com/TUESDAYS

Hey folks, we're back. Grammarcy was such a hot ticket. We're doing more, baby. We're gonna make it an end quarterly. Quarterly, baby. Yes, quarterback. So next one is June 27th. Six, two, seven.

June 27th, hot summer night. Be there, it's a Tuesday night. Here's the details, folks. Lay it on me, Faddy. All right, the presale is when, I never know how any of this works or what it is. Presale, Wednesday, March 29th, 10 a.m. Eastern. That's good to know.

And then that goes till Thursday, March 30th, at 10 p.m. Eastern. Got it. Password, opener? Opener. This is the live nation presale. Why is it opener? I wondered that as well.

Oh, there's also a password, Tuesdays. That's better. Both passwords work. Okay, use Tuesdays. Tuesday opener, oh, opener. Is that like a septicle? What do you call that thing with the guino? Oh, it's an opener.

Cunt. No, no. It's the open thing. Oh, yeah, tongs. Speculum. Speculum. That's my provider for cable. All right, so use promo code Tuesdays.

The official on sale date is March 31st, 10 a.m. Eastern. But get on the presale. That starts Wednesday, 10 a.m. to the next day, 10 p.m. On sale date, Friday, March 31st, 10 a.m. Eastern. And I don't even know the website. This isn't the best. All right. I guess it's live nation.

Do you Google it? Give it a go. The show will, the live show will be better than this. Why isn't there a website? Well, since Gramercy.anal or live nation.queef, one of those, you'll find it. Give it a go, ticket 627, Gramercy Theater, Tuesday night, New York City.

Special guest. It's going to be awesome. Yeah. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories.

Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody.

No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. There we go. This is the one. There we go. A little technical diff. But we're back.

Yeah. Yep. Well, we're riding high. I don't know if we should talk about it because it's over. But that live pot was last night, and that was a humding. Yeah, I'm not even riding high. I'm like riding low. I'm like, woo.

That was something. It felt like I fucked all night. Yes. It's like I just came like three times in a row, and the woman beat me and choked me the way I like, and made me wear her pantyhose around the house the way I've always wanted. Ate a little cum.

And now I'm like, whew. Yeah. It was something else. Well, what's going on with 80s movies? I think people got laid twice a year in an 80s movie because whenever someone got laid in an 80s movie, the next day they were like, they were like high five in the milkman, and low five in the black guy with the boom

box, one sex, and they were all over the road. Well, I think a lot of it was high school set. In high school, you're not getting laid that much. Like, I had a high school girlfriend. We had sex like three times. Yes, yes. Because I didn't know how to do it, and you know. It was scary.

It was scary. The vagina, it's intimidating. Tweed and queefing. I remember in high school, I had no, nobody helped me. Nobody gave me a lesson or a bird or a bee or anything like that. Yes, yes, bee. Birds, bees.

Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah. That's something. The ladies love it. No kidding. Ah, birds, big. And then when you kiss a girl with the bird, you go, mm, it's mental.

Oh, wow. Yes. Look at some birds. Because I got classic old black and white chapstick. Ah, come on. No, that's good. You know what's great about chapstick? It never doesn't work.

You put on chapstick, it works. You never go, ah, this chapstick's broken. Yeah, but that's why you're giving it a, ooh, if you're saying it works. Well, I'm just saying birds is top shelf. Ah, birds is big. Chapstick is, you know, Tito's, and this is gray goose. But chapstick is also like the original.

Tito's just cut around. That's true. Chapstick is like absolute. Yes, yes. Hard stuff. People would cut those out. Remember those absolutes, the ads? Oh, yeah.

I knew a guy in a whole wall of absolutes. He eventually died in a DUI, but good kid. Yeah, I like a chapstick because it's a stick. The kind of lip shit I can't do is that you dip your finger in and you have to fly with the finger. It's a herpes pond. Yeah, that's disgusting. And then any kind of red or pink, like Sarah would be like,

I have chapstick, but chapstick's one of those products like tissues or Q-tips. Yes, yes, or a Sharpie. Yes, people just refer to it as the thing. Sarah will just say, yeah, I got chapstick and she pulls it out. It's got the round bubble top thing. Ah, the bubble top.

And it's like pink and has a tail. If I have a flavor on my lip, and I guess this is just 80s homophobia or something, if I have any kind of flavor on my lip. Yes, what would come? That's going to make a cum-flavored chap. Oh, that would be nice, salty. Yeah, and then what's up with wearing chaps?

You got chapstick, but then you can wear a chap, but you don't want to have your ass chapped. I think, yeah, chap is, yeah, chap is bad. Chap is bad, but chapstick is good. Yeah, it should be soft stick or heel stick. Yeah, it's dick stick, fuck stick. Because you don't call like an ointment a rash stick. Aha.

You call it an ointment. Thank you, boys. Can I use this? This is killer. We're using it right now. Wait, I had something else about the lip or the taste. Chap. Wearing chaps.

I think we've said this a million times in the podcast. But what is assless chaps? I think we've talked about this. I think it's these shorts where the ass is out. Chaps are riding pants for horse equestrian cunts. But by definition, a chap is assless. If you have chaps with an ass, it's pants. So it's redundant.

That's what I think. Oh, jeez, that's good. Christful lawyer. The assless chaps. We got to move. Yeah. We got to just take a loss. I made eye contact with him earlier in the kitchenette.

It was tough. He's a cool guy, because he's got the blazer and he's got Adidas track pants. Yeah, that's pretty neat. Cool guy from the 70s. I think he's on Zoom. It's like the old newscasters. They have a boner.

Assless chaps. Tubin. Yeah, they got assless chaps on them. There you go. Aren't they all assless? What do you say? Yeah, we should move out of here. Eventually.

We got a lot of stuff in here, though. It's going to be a big move. Yeah, most of it we haven't put up, though. That's true. Look at this. We've got some beautiful gifts. Thanks a lot for this. I guess it wouldn't be that bad.

We haven't even unpacked the original shit. Right. Yeah. That's a beauty. But yeah, so just riding, riding high, riding medium, riding low, and ass man. There you go. Keep it coming.

It's like a garage sale back here. According to the state of New York, you are the ass man. Hey, look, it's your ex-girlfriend's leg. Hello, folks. And her dildo. And a hook shot. But yeah, riding high. Thanks for everyone.

Get on the Patreon if you haven't, because that's where the back half of that. That's where it gets really spicy. You get the back half, and you get the behind the scene. Yes. We didn't shoot much behind the scenes, though. Well, yeah, we didn't have that much time beforehand, and no one got there until right before the show started.

Plus, we went into some hardcore shit. Yeah, you don't want that back behind the scenes after the show talk. That got pretty spicy. And we had some pretty big celebrities on there. It's tough to have them on and giving out their opinions and talking about all the guys they've blown, because they're both secretly gay.

Great podcast, guys we've blown. But yeah, I got a lot to dive into the shallow end of the pool here. Yeah, I got a couple things too, so let's go. Throw, you got something you want to start us off? You serve. Well, where to begin? First off, I still saw for the pickle dickle.

Big pickle ball day yesterday, that was something. Pickle park, we did another hour out there, and the lady's laid up. She's out again. We gotta do two hours. I know. These cunts, I can't handle it. We should do a one-on-one men's day or something.

Yes. Because an hour, I'm just getting warm. That's a warm up. Big warm, good sweat going, but who could we get? Cause you can't get like a run on. I'd rather have a paraplegic lady. Yeah, no. We need somebody with a little bit of giddy up and go.

I saw, and the peripheral chucks head pop up, and I don't know how to break it to this phone. A guy with a jean jacket out there with headphones on. Come on. What is that ear thing? It's livid. It's a Bluetooth headphones. The BTHP.

Geez, he looks very upset. All right. I had a late night. We had a late night last night. Oh, okay. I thought you were upset about the pickle ball thing. I'll play pickle ball, but you know. Yeah.

You're more of a PlayStation, I feel. But anyways, we'll play a couple hours. It was fun. We just sent you a picture of my biceps that Jason Katz took last night. You're gonna be surprised. Okay. I'm already dry heaving.

Bicepsuels. Hey, has that been done? I feel like we're both just shot specials. We gotta. Yeah, we need it. I'm taking rash stick. I got an ear out for anything. Did I tell you this one?

I said it last night. I think this could be a bit though. I was playing, I was in Vegas playing poker again. That's really, I got a story about that. I get interrupted though. You started talking about something. Well, well, I want to hear one of your Vegas baby, but all right, we'll start from the top here.

So, had an open weekend in the Cal. Wow. Yeah, and I said, how'd this happen? They go, you were booked for Tulsa. Tulsa got a new club opening, but much like your cap city thing, they didn't get open in time. Right.

So I said, all right, well, that's not gonna happen. So, who can we call? And I said, try to keep it in the area a little bit. I don't want to fly to, you know, Beirut. So we go, hey, we got Vinny Brand on the horn. Stress factory's open. What? Exactly, he's deaf in one ear.

So we'll have here this, but it's 30, 40 minutes away by car, Jersey, New Brunswick, sold it out. Here we go. Great club. Great club. Yeah, old school. Yeah, it gets a little rowdy in there.

It feels like 1991 in there. Yes. Old headshots, the pay phone, Vinny, it's the down alley, yeah. Yes, yes, Jersey, it's right there. It's like where all the comics would go, like Chris Rocket goes works out there before special. Yes.

It's in Jersey. Right. So I go perfect, get a couple of guys together, and I go, well, I'm taking the beam, baby. Finally get to ride this thing. It's been about a month and a half. So you gotta keep that puppy rolling. It's like sex with your wife.

You got to do it once a month. Yeah, you gotta keep it oiled and work the shift and whatever other car, sex pun. Exactly. Rear end. All right, so we get the beamer out of Hock. I got my old pal, Sean Malay, he's opening and he's hosting and I go, hey, we'll go get the beamer.

We'll hightail it out there. So. I know the story's gonna upset me, I can tell. Well, besides the fact that we have no registration and an expired license and no insurance, we say, let's get that puppy out. And he's like you, he's kind of a nervous Nelly. He's like, how's the seatbelts?

I'm like, not great. And he's like, well, how's the car running? I'm like, fine. But he's nervous. Okay, so I'm nervous about homeless people. I don't care about a seatbelt. Well, you're not worried about getting a wreck? A car wreck?

No, not particularly. That's interesting. No, sometimes I get the bad rap. People are like, I know you don't like, I have Tuesday, I'd be like, I know you don't like germs. I don't want to touch you because the germs, I'm like, I'm germs. No.

I take a shit, I don't wash my hands. What are you talking about? I'm on the subway. I'm not a germ guy, no germ. Seatbelt? I mean, I wear a seatbelt. I'm not a... Psychic?

All right. But yeah. It didn't make sense. But so... We'll put something else in there. We head over to my garage. I got Georgie Porgy. He's this Nigerian guy.

He's a sweet, sweet soul. And I go, old 25, old smokey. That's what they call it, which is a little off-putting. Old smokey. Because the car, you start that thing up, big black smoke, like East Palestine out there. And I go, well, let's get old smokey.

And he goes, you got it. And I show up, you know, you call in an hour ahead or whatever, I show up and he goes, and I go, why, why, why? He goes, I go, why, why, why? He goes, not starting. And I go, ah, we're already kinda, you know, we gotta leave.

And I'm like, not starting. What do you think it is? And he's like, I don't know. So we go up there, sweet guy. We go up there, we pop the hood. You pretend to look around. You dust some things off. You shine a knob, you know.

I don't know what I'm doing. And he's just, rar, rar, rar. It won't turn, oh, it won't catch. It's just that engine going, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub. You know, it won't flip. And I go, what the hell? So we put some washer fluid in the wiper thing.

I open the trunk, I close it. I hit the horn, nothing. So I'm texting my mechanic guy. He's like, oh, I don't know what this could be. But he's like, it's a 50-year-old car. You've had it for two or three years. If this is the first time you've had a problem with it, that's pretty good.

I was like, all right, all right, I'll give you that. So we try for like 30 minutes, nothing. Now I go, we gotta get the train. So now we have to hightail to Penn Station and get the New Jersey Transit or whatever the hell it is out there. That's brutal. Brutal, but we made it work.

It was fine. But I had this moment on the train. I was like, what am I doing with my life? Going to Jersey, car won't start. Gotta get my act together. I'm gonna text Jerry. Oh. I need a win.

Jerry. And Salak used to be like, hey, you pussy. Just text him, just text him. And I go, hey, man, what's up? Wanna get breakfast tomorrow? Just right on the path or whatever, the transit. Wow. And he just goes, let's do it.

Wow. And I go, where and when? He goes, 9.45 a.m. this place. And I go, woo, baby, I'm back. Yes. So go to the show. Shows are great. Gotta get the train back.

Then you get to Penn Station. Then you gotta take the subway back. I don't get home until three in the morning, but I'm meeting this chuch. It's 9.45. Right. So I gotta get some sleep. I ironed a suit.

I did push-ups. I stretched. I jerked off. I wanted to be clear. Right. And then do you have notes like Costanza of what you're gonna talk about? Got them all up here.

Got it all up here in a roll of decks of topics. I got Wuhan to Greta Thunberg. I'm all over the road. Okay. So 9.45, I get up at eight, hit the alarm, shower, shave, floss, and say a prayer. I light a candle. I get there at like 9.30.

Okay. Because I don't wanna risk it. Sure. And it's one of those things where it's a crisp day in New York, the sun is shining. And you wanna just tell everybody, hey, meetin' Jerry. I know.

To random people walkin' by, but they don't care. Yeah. And it's kinda like when you finish Letterman and you just go outside and you're like, here I am world and they're like, get out of the way, dickless. Of course, no one cares. No one cares.

So I get there and it's a beautiful restaurant and I go up to the guy, it's a bunch of, you know, immigrants at the host stand and I go, I'm here to meet, and they go, oh, yes, yes, right here. And I go, oh, wow, he has his own table. Wow. So he's already there? No, he's not there.

Okay. So I get there, then you're doin' the thing. Like, I'll put my code here. Should I sit like this? Should I sit like that? Yeah. Should I order something? Should I wait?

So I just gotta, let me get a cup of coffee. He's gotta show about that. Okay. Get a cup of coffee and I go, he's gonna want one too. A little presumptuous there. And then finally, he swoops in. The swoop.

He swoops in with a scarf on and we talk about everything. Life, love, philosophy, comedy, queefs, you name it. Does the door cling? Is there a big cling? Oh boy, a cling and a sign. I know. Klingons.

I saw the sign. So the crazy thing is, now I'm sittin' with this guy and it's, you know, five minutes of, you know, oh, okay, how about the homeless, you know, or whatever. And then it gets goin' and you can see everybody in the restaurant goin', oh my God, there, that's him, oh man. And then they start goin', who's this douche?

Right. Like, what's his, is that his son? Is that his boyfriend? Is that his lover? Who is that guy? So that was fun. That's exciting. You could be his son.

I could be, well, let's see. Look at the black curls. He's 67. You're old enough to be his son, yeah. Up 39. Yeah. 28. Oh, yeah, all right.

I could be his son. Of course. What year was he born? 50, I mean, he's born in the 50s. Yeah, easily. Yeah, he's older than my dad, I think. Oh, really? I believe so.

Oh, all right. Can we get an age on Jerry Seinfeld? Let's see. I think 67. April 29th, 1954. Yeah, he's older than my parents. Wow. So he could be your dad.

He's 68. 68, that was close. Okay. 63 and embracing it. Well, I'm not his son, but either way, I'm not a Jew, all right, so we just have a great time and then he does, now how do you feel about this? He goes, all right, I gotta go.

And then we would talk for like another 10. He's like, I really gotta go. And then we'd talk for another five. Oh, that's a great feeling. Great feeling, because you know, you're killing it. It's like a pie, you don't wanna leave. And then he gets up and he goes, you coming out with me, you're gonna stay here.

And I go, I'm gonna finish my coffee. Stay here. Well, I let him leave. Okay. Now he got mobbed by eight guys with the photos outside. Wow, does he take and sign? He signs. Seinfeld?

Yes. So, I know a sign. So he signs the photos and then I watch him out the window and he whips off and his scarf is blowing in the wind. And I go, whoa. Does he drive away? He walked to block. So maybe he got in a Porsche at some point.

Okay. I mean, he could walk home from there. Yeah, that's true. But pretty cool. We talked about the beacon. We talked about the stress factor. We talked about the car not starting. He's like, you gotta get this, you gotta get that.

Here's what you do. And I was hoping he'd go, put it in my garage. It'll save you a few bucks, but we're not there yet. Now you're laughing at all? Do you have any good, like a genuine laugh? Not like, oh, Jerry. Yeah, I had a couple, but he's such an easy laugh. I mean, he's one of these guys.

Yes, he loves to laugh. Loves to laugh. And it's not one of those fake comedians and cars laughs. He's laughing. Yeah, it's hard. I'm like, I get jealous of these comics because most comics I feel like are just, I'm dead on the inside.

Same. Most people talking, I'm like, ah, that's good. Or you go, that's funny. That's good. Yeah, yeah. You're analyzing. That's like great Conan stories. Like that's the hardest part of, he's like,

I watched comedy and I'm like, that's funny. That's very funny. That might be the funniest thing I've ever heard. Exactly. So, but he's really, he's having a good time out there. Great time. And he does a certain teeth when he's really genuine. He's like, big teeth.

Ah, the big teeth. When you get the big teeth, you're like, all right, that's a real laugh. Nice. And, big teeth laugh. Yeah, and like Norm, Norm laughed at everybody. And Norm's so funny. Right.

So I love a guy who laughs and is funny. It's a good combo. That's nice. But yeah, so great time. And then just such a great moment of like, I leave there and I'm like, all right, now I have to prepare for my headlining shows in Jersey. Wow.

So you're like, I'm in comedy, baby. To hang with Seinfeld and then go to the stress factory. Now. That's really Alabama. Yeah. Three people got that. I know, these are deep cuts here. Now, now I'm going, all right, can I take the car again?

I mean, the car's not running. I guess I gotta get train tickets. So my mechanic friend goes, maybe it's the starter. Maybe it's the alternator. Maybe it's the Johnson Rod. Maybe it's this. And I go, oh, baby, all right. And he goes, wait a minute, is there gas in it?

And I go, yeah, what do I have? Fucking chuch, of course there's gas in it. No gas. What? I didn't put gas in it and I put it in the garage. So it was just out of gas. But it was, you didn't push it into the garage. Well, it's been a month and a half.

I think I had a, I had, I was on E maybe and then it dried out maybe. Yeah, defumigates or what's that word? Evaporate. Evaporate. Okay. Yes. So it evaporated and I go buy a gas can,

go to the gas station, fill it up, which you feel just shady doing. It feels weird. Yeah. It feels like you're an arsonist. Yes. Fun word to say. Arsonist.

So I go back, I plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, pour it in, starts right up. Wow. Yeah. That's embarrassing. So then my mechanic friend, I tell him and he goes, yeah, that's embarrassing. You're a piece of shit.

You're a dork. And then he goes, how's the oil? And I go, hold on. Pull out the dipstick, send him a photo. This is how retarded I am. I send him a photo of the dipstick and he's like, Jesus Christ, you got no oil in that thing. So I go back to the gas station,

buy a big quart of oil, pour that puppy in, and the thing really went, like when I opened the oil thing, it was so dehydrated. He's like, it's crazy. This thing's even running at all. I can't even get the lights out of this thing. There's no oil in there. So did it fire up when you got the oil and gas?

Fire, and you can tell it was like, thank you. It was like, I needed this. It was like giving a hobo a meal. He's like, I'm back. Right, never do that. No, we want that mouth. Yes, so. So you're back live, so did you drive to the factory?

I drove to the factory and Sean was pissed. He was like, damn it, I hate this thing. So we drove to the factory, torrential downpour, crazy rain, had to drive back in the rain. You know, you sell merch, you take photos. Now it's one in the morning and I'm just on the highway, driving back from Jersey.

It took us 20 minutes to find the wipers. I didn't know how to work the wipers, I never used them. Damn. So we finally go back and people are like, whizzing by honk, you know, like get off the road, asshole, and I'm in this little tin can just shaking and this drip's coming in, you know? Well, the Jersey Turnpike, particularly on a Saturday night,

it's maniacs and I don't want to cast dispersions, but I feel like often, when you see someone driving 300 miles an hour, it's often a Latino, and so I find that Texas and the New York, it's a tri-state area, you got a lot of, whew, and I'm not saying always, there's plenty of Italians.

Oh yeah, Puerto Riques, I guess that's Latino. Yeah, that's what I was getting at. Speedy Gonzalez. But there's a lot in this area, and like I said, Tejas, you just see people going 750 miles an hour, right by it, and the car shakes anyway, any car will shake, let alone a fucking whatever. Yeah, shit box, a little beamer there,

but we finally made it, and oh wait, I had something else. Okay, so next night we drive it back out there. Now we get there a little late, there was a wreck on the highway, so now we're pulling up to Jersey on Saturday night. Great Springsteen song. Is that right? Wreck on the highway.

Oh, okay, well, I'm bored to run. So we pull up to the Stress Factory, the show's at eight, I think it's like 752. So there's nowhere to park, the lot's all full, so I just pull the little beamer up into the driveway. At the Stress Factory, because time is of the essence, I got no options here. Now that's a move.

That's a move, now everybody's going, it's the car, here he is, oh shit, you got that whole thing, and then you go in, and I get the, in the green room, manager Derek, he goes, hey, you gotta move your car, cops are outside, it's fire hazard or whatever the hell, and I was like, oh shit, so the host is on, I run outside, fire truck, eight cops in the street,

sirens going, not sirens, the lights are going, and I go, what the hell's going on here, is this for me? So I run up and I go, sir, I'll move it, I can't afford a ticket, this thing's not even registered. So I'm like, oh fuck, I'm about to go on, I'm getting arrested here. Turns out there's a Tuesday in cuffs, he's got one cuff on, he's shit-housed,

his girlfriend's crying, and they go, oh, we're not mad about you, this guy's going to jail, and I was like, ah, and they go, he's tuned up, and he's got one cuff on, and he's talking to a cop, he's got the cuff hanging, and he goes, Norvid, comedy, let's get a photo, he grabs me, we take a photo, and he's in a blackout, and they're like, Jesus Christ, so they yank his hand back,

and he drops the phone, and they cuff the guy, and they put him in the car. What was he doing, what was he under arrest for? I think he was going at it with his wife, and they might have been a little, whee, whee, oh geez. A little raspberry on the cheek, maybe, he was in the show already,

and the guy was like, I clocked him early, then I saw him sit down, and he pushed his wife, so we got him right out of here, before the show even started, so he was day drinking, and whatever, and he's like, I drove five hours to get here, ah, and his wife was like, he's always like this, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee,

so she had a nice little peach on her cheek there. Jesus Christ. It got pretty, it's Jersey, baby. Yeah. So, so now, they arrest his ass, so the cops are just standing out there, chit-chatting, drinking coffee, eating donuts, and they go, you gotta move your car,

and I go, all right, where? And they go, this is the spot right here, this spot was the size of my dick, it was seven inches, the car's six and a half inches. Dick has grown since the last couple episodes. That's true, well, I'm taking extends, but so they're like, you gotta park right here, I'm like, not only do I have to parallel park it,

I have to parallel park it quickly to get back into the show, and with 17 cops watching and a fire truck, woo wooing. That's brutal. So, no powers. And you got fuckin' Ray Rice hanging out in front of you too. Yeah, Ray Rice was shipped to the, then you got in the paddy wagon by then, rice paddy,

but now I gotta parallel park it. I have no power steering, so I'm going. Oh, Jesus. And there's a line of cars waiting, and they're all laughing at me, going, stick to comedy, buddy, boop, boop, boop, boop, you know, and they're all twirling their nightsticks, going, look at this homo, it's Jersey.

So, I finally got that fucker in there, and the one guy's like, Jesus, learn how to drive it first, or whatever the hell. And I run back in and do the show, but all's well that ends well, great show, sold merch, cookin', runnin' the special, tossin' it over to the fat man. Well, we wish you the best, Mr. Tuesday.

Oh, geez, poor gal. Yeah, yeah, I hope you recover from your wife-beating habits and see the light. She was tough, I gave her a free poster. I gave her a koozie. Yeah, good for you, sir. Do your time proud, and we'll be right here when you get back.

Yeah, it's cuffing season. We don't want to lose a fan, so, pay that bail and get into rehab or whatever. Here, here. Yeah, God bless you, and let her know who's boss. Yeah, there you go. Your sound for domestic violence. Just a whistle.

Oh, yeah. I mean, he gave her a couple of what-fours. Is there still domestic violence if you're at the club? Does it have to be in the house? Oh, I think it's still domestic relationship. I guess that's what the domestic is. The domestic means a whole, right? What if you hit your wife in Canada?

Was that international violence? Yeah, domestic violence. I don't think we're ever used to it. Yeah, there's violence, it's comedy club violence. I think it might be the domestic partnership. You live together, maybe. Yeah, I suppose so. And I think with violence, if you do it at the comedy club,

it could just be, oh, we're doing a cartoon. Act out. Blank. I'm ahead with the mallet. Tom and Jerry. Yeah, it's a comedy club. Woying, woying, woying. You've seen the Stooges?

Yeah. Wow, that is, I'm appalled that we have wife beaters in a monster. It seemed like a first defense or whatever. All right. Yeah, I think I'm really excited to see some punchlines. Yeah, you get one, you know. Hey, folks, Tuesdays with Stories

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But anyway, that's wild and glad the car is back running and satisfactory. Oiled up and gassed up and ready to rock. Is what's his toes still there? The guy that was always there. He texted us. No, the Jeff. Jeff.

No, he's not. No, Jeff McManus. Not him, the other guy, Mark. No, he wasn't there. Yeah, interesting. He was good, Mark McCoy. Yes. Yeah, good kid.

I haven't seen Jeff McManus in years. Is he still around? I think he got on a steamship and just took off. He had one of the great stories ever. A couple of great stories. Really? One time, Schumer hated him. Remember that story?

Yeah, a lot of people hated him. She was sitting in the chair and then he had to give you the light. You were on stage and she was like, have you given the light? Give him the light. And the light switch was behind her head. And he was too nervous to ask her to move.

So she's sitting like this and he just puts his foot here and steps up over her and turns the light on. And he told me the story. I was on the floor laughing. Wow. And she just wouldn't take a ride from him. She hated him. And I'm like, that's one of the most insane.

Like his genitals are right in her face. Yeah, I like how that's better than asking her to move. Yeah. Classic. And same. But anyways, I hope that guy's alive. He was funny. Yeah, he was a cute, funny guy.

He was the house host base. He was a waiter. And then they go, hey, you got to go on. So-and-so is late. I think it was another story where Vinny Brand, the owner, they would get into it in jar. And Vinny Brand said, took him outside and was like, if you can get back inside here,

inside the club, you can keep your job. And Vinny stood in front of the door and Jeff was like, I can't tell if this is real. Wow. So then he started to go. And Vinny pushed it. They wrestled. It was like a wrestling match.

And eventually, Jeff broke free and got in. And his shit was all wet. And his collar was torn. He had a bloody nose. And he just started seeing people. Wow. Jersey. Crazy, crazy stories.

Crazy, good times. But it's funny because it's 30 minutes away or 40 minutes away, but you feel like, oh, I couldn't say anything here. Yeah. It just feels like, ah, we don't have the same rules. Yeah, it's a thunderdome. It's really something. I'm going to move down there.

I swear to God, I'll do it. I'll believe it when I see it. I got to get out of here. No, but you're on the road enough to where it can. You get away and you go, ah, New York's not so bad. Then you land and you go, ah, there's a hobo eating my ass. It's tough. And this weather out here, it's windy and rainy and snowy,

but so anyways, I took off to Vegas for a couple of days. And by all, everything's all flipped and flopped. I'm at an age now where I'm like, Vegas rules. I'd love it. Yeah, it's not great. All right. I like whatever you like, but it's got as bad parts. The strip is a little crazy.

By the way, people with babies on the Las Vegas strip, they're like traveling with a two-year-old or a puppy. Crazy. Like a little baby that's here. I'm like, I think you should be shot. Yeah, get rid of them. It feels so weird to be like, we're heading to Vegas. We have a one-year-old, but we really want to gamble.

Because it's all just like doggie doggie doggie doggie doggie. And that's just the Chinese restaurant. But the lights are going crazy. There's hobos. There's methodics. It's just wild out there. Yeah, strippers, there's naked women, there's dirty Elmo walking around.

It's all bad news for a toddler. And there's just a lady doing the car. It's new city. And I'm like, get your child off the Vegas strip. Yeah, put that kid in a crib or a cage. This should be adults only, this place. But we went down there. So Derek and I went there just to get away.

He's stressed with the job. I shot the special. Did I talk about that? That was a great time. Oh, we got to talk about the special. Shot the special. Last week, a week ago, or two weeks ago, whatever the fuck. What a night.

Cats fucked me. He set the makeup lady up on stage. She blew it. Cat's your cliff. What did you think about that? I mean, I think that it's tough. I think that if you kept that hair, well, explain to the audience what happened.

This is what happened. I'm on stage, set of my life. By the way, I'm only joking. I didn't mind and Cat's is the best. But I'm just having the set of my life. And then all of a sudden you see, because you're hyper aware on stage. I don't know if people are aware of this.

But it's like, I see the camera guy over here, walks over there, and he starts saying something. Then he walks back, and I'm like, that's weird. And then I see my makeup lady come around up to the front and start talking to Cat. So I'm like doing jokes. And comedy is a strange thing, because you're going through these mechanisms of telling these jokes.

But your brain is like splitting, too. Because I'm like, what is going on here? Is the camera broken? Why is the makeup lady? They're going to stop this for something's going on. I don't know what this is. And then I see Cat's is doing this. So I stop, and I'm like, what is going on?

Everything all right? So she came up and had to fix my hair. Because I had a hair. Killed momentum. But then Louie was upset that they were interrupting and thought it was unnecessary. So then he was yelling. And then they all had headsets on,

so they could hear him yelling. And it was a whole rigmarole. Well, don't fuck with cats. But it was still great. I'll put the clip out of the makeup lady coming up. So you'll get to see it. I can't wait, because I heard you saved it. You had a good save line.

I think so. I think that you handled it perfectly. What I would do is I would have the whole special, then the credits, makeup lady at the end after the credits. That's the way to go. No one's going to stick around until the credits. They like the little Easter anal. But I was going to say, I know that's a tough call.

Fix his hair or not. Because you had one big strand in front of your face. But you would have been really annoyed in the edit if it was going back and forth between the two shades. You know what I mean? You would have continuity. It's weird, because it's not a huge deal. But it would be so obvious.

I can't wait to see the strand, because... It's big. A big, big strand. Yeah, a big strand. Well, you know, cats, they'll land on his feet. All right. But anyways, it was great. Great night.

Bunch of comics came. You know, Ranaan and Louie and Sarah and Hamilton. Oh, a good group. Who else was there? Chavone, Steve Rogers. Canter. Canter, of course. A few others.

Bunch of people hanging out. Great show. And it was a great hang in between, too. Which is the way it's so nice. Because you get that first one in the can. And then all the comics come to the late show. Senya, my neighbor, and all these people. And then you just go, hey, hey, hey.

It's like a big festival atmosphere. And it really puts you in a nice, calm position. And on so many Tuesdays around, too, that it was nice. You don't mind, you don't think about the comics in the back that's not ruminating in your noggin? No, not really. OK. I mean, it ruminates in a nice way.

I'm like, ah, that's nice. All the buddies are here. It's sweet. Yeah. And it makes it a hang. I'm like, I'm hanging out. Before I go on, Louie's like, you should rest your voice. I'm like, ah, voice.

I'm hanging out. It's getting me loose. Yes, yes. I like to be loose. So it's a nice, loose, hot special. Thanks for everyone that came. And it'll be out in a couple of years. Woo!

But yeah, it was a special night. I wanted to finish the show, get it in the can. And last year, I went to Germany right after to Berlin. And this time, I'm like, I'm going to go on another trip. So I went out to gig Habba. Nice. To see Derek and my friend Erica and the kids. Ironically, no gig.

No gig. Yeah. That's a good point. No gig Harbor. Right. And I feel like people are getting upset because they're like, you keep coming here and not doing shows, you piece of shit. Man, you should throw a gig in there.

But I'll be able to come into coma, I think, in November or something like that. I was in Seattle twice last year. Good name for a comedy club out there, Giggle Harbor. That's pretty good. What's up, then? Yeah. That's not bad.

Maybe we'll invest. But it's so close to Tacoma comedy. Those guys are the best. So anyway, so I went to gig Harbor for a couple of days. Great time hanging out, hiking. And then I set up this trip to Vegas. Vegas! Last time we talked about it, the college basketball game.

I love college hoops, the tournaments going on. So I was like, let's go to the Pac-12 tournament in Vegas. And Derek says, what the hell? He's burnt out. I said, let's just go. And plus, I never get the him and I time. I got the kids now. Yes, yes.

And so you're hanging out with the kids. You're Funko Joe. And then he's working. So I'm hanging out with his wife like 10 to 1 time together. Oh, no. And I'm like, you and I haven't hung out since 1985. Yes. I can't even remember the last time we hung out.

I'm over here, you know, just dishing with your wife, being like, I know it's just so crazy when people are, and you can't have the wife relationship, Trump, the friend relationship. Oh, God, no. Jesus. So I go, what are we going to do? We got to save the relation.

Let's go to Vegas together. No bitches. Yeah. What are you, a bisexual? Hookers only. So we go down to Vegas and it's a nice time because you got those buds that you're like, I'm going to go do this.

You go do that. Yes. Don't you love a friend like that? Yes, that's healthy. Very healthy. And that was what we were always good about back in the day. It would be like, you go, hey, you want to hang out? And he's like, nah, I'm like, all right, I'll see you later.

Or you'd be like this. Yeah, you want to hang out? All right, I'll come over. You're like, perfect. No phone time. No planning. Yes. Just get together or don't get together.

No fuss. No. Elon Musk. Plus. All right. So we go to Vegas and I said, let's do it right. So we get a room at the Bellagio, which is. That's the Fountains.

The Fountains. The layman. Exactly. So we get up the old age, which I haven't done in a long time. I said, hey, why don't you set us up with a couple of pack 12 tournament tickets? All right, let's unpack it. He's on it. They end up getting hooked up like fifth row, five rows from the floor.

Is this Tommy? Tommy, the pooch. Wow, the pooch. He's the best of the biz. So he gets us some badass tickets. We get the Bellagio. We go down there and it's just a great time. We did Vegas, right?

Yes. You have something to do at night. We're going to the basketball game. We're going to three games in two days. Beautiful hotel and I go, I'm going to play some poker. I love a good poker game. Poker in the rear. So I go down there, did pretty well, but then I get the psycho.

Psycho at the table. There's always one. You go down there and it's like, it's a bunch of old men and everybody. You feel everybody out. I like to talk and have a nice time down there. You know me. So you got to feel them out because some people are serious. They're playing with cash.

It's a money thing, whatever, whatever. So you got to slowly like feel them out and be like, and then you got a couple of laughs. And then all of a sudden you got a nice hand going. Now we're talking. So we're hanging. But you play for so long, three, four hours, people slowly start leaving and then new people come in. And what do you, what do you make of this?

Oh boy. Guy comes in and you're always see the guy because you know, it's chairs open. So you're watching who's coming in to join the table. Sure. Sure. And I see the old affliction shirt. Oh no. The jeans with the stars on the back or whatever.

Oh, a bedazzle. Yeah. Like a bedazzle jean. Did he have a white monster can? No monster can, but he had a, the Abraham Lincoln beer. Oh, the neck. No, what do you call it? The chin strap.

The chin strap with the affliction. Strap on. And his whole energy. I just didn't love and I was like, please don't come to my table. He comes over and he's one of these guys who right away you just feel oppressed. He's like this at the table, waiting for his turn doing this shit. And then there's a hand before he joins and the two guys play and they flip over their hands and whatever it is.

And he goes, you guys play that fucking shit here. Wow. Okay. He does that. And I'm like, this guy's scary. Yeah. The little, you know, when they say toxic mask, that's it. That's him.

Yeah. So she takes over and he's one of these guys too. He takes his chip. If he calls or whatever he takes his chips and he bounces them and it would bounce and like roll into my pile. I hate the bounce. He'd throw his cards, like do a flick like at the dealer. Yes.

He would do affliction and it was just nuts. So I had to pack up and be like, all right, well, I've been here too long back 10. And it was really terrifying, but Jesus. Did he, did you, you got out of there? I left. I was like, this is, I can't play with this fucking guy. This is crazy. One guy can spoil a whole bowl of cereal.

That's exactly what happened. And everyone was like, nice old men having a couple of chats and all you beat me. You got that one. That was crazy. And it kind of like those card stories. So that was wild. But yeah, I won a few bucks and then played some roulette, won some cash doing that. It was one of these trips where like everything worked out.

We were like, we hope UCLA plays Arizona. They did. The game was like unbelievable. I won money on that game and I was like winning cash, great seats, beautiful women everywhere, cheerleaders, the whole thing. Nice to not have children. Just a beautiful trip. That is great.

And when it all works out, you got to be grateful. Oh, well, I kept saying, I was like, this is unbelievable. Isn't this crazy? Yes. I kept going to that buffet, just a pile of free food, which was delightful. And I love the, we were getting up early too because, you know, we're just old men and whatever. Vegas early in the morning is awesome.

Really? Eight o'clock, we go down, we go to Starbucks. No one's in line at Starbucks. There's no drugs. The tables are all open. Poker. There's like one good table going. Yes.

Beautiful sunshine. I love short sleeves. Yes. Good weather. Because late at night, it's just wild. Everyone's hammered the tables to do expensive and all that shit, but it was just fantastic trip and I hadn't shared a room with a guy in a long time. Now is he Dan Sober?

He drinks a few beers. He drinks like a normal guy, he'll have a beer and then like, he'll have like a third beer and he's like, ah, it's too much. Wow. Yeah, one of those guys. Yeah, because. A normie. You think you'd have a kid and you're like, I can finally get away.

I'm full toot. He had a few cocktails, you know, and then I smoked a bat and it was not the way the pool. We went down to the pool at 9am. We were there when the pool opened. It was one of these ones where you wake up early, you go get your coffee, you walk around, you play cards for a while, you go to the pool, it opens, you're in the hot tub together, you're just sitting there.

Then the pool at Bellagio is like a Olympic pool. Wow. And it's heated. It was kind of chilly. So we went in the heated pool. The only ones in there. It was just phenomenal hang. Ah.

Buffet. It's one of these ones too, where it's like, you look at each other, you're like, it's only 12, 15. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, it was a great, great trip. So God bless you, Vegas, and I'll come back and do shows in Seattle and Vegas. People get upset if you're in town not doing shows. You flew from Washington state to Vegas.

Yeah. Just for fun. Just for fun. Wow. And how about this? Fun fact. This isn't that exciting, but we've been friends for 25 years, 26 years, first time ever on an airplane together.

Ah, how about that? And first class. Oh, both of you? Yeah. Well, he was one of those ones where he was like, I'm thinking about paying to get upgraded because you're going to get upgraded. I'm thinking about paying and just getting first class. I have the heart to tell him.

I was like, I already bought a first class. So we're up in first class. That was exciting. First flight together, which is always a thing because you learn how the person flies. You bond over a flight. Yeah. Yeah. Big flight bond.

So great trip. Hell yeah. Well, you need that. I feel like after you take a special, live a little. You earned it. Yeah. That's the weird thing. Then you come back because you're so in the trip mode.

And when you come back, you're like, oh, right. I just shot a special. I kind of forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah. But now you got to build a new one, which is very daunting. I know. It's scary.

And you've got a few scraps. Yes. And then, like you said, everything that happens, you're like, maybe that's a bit. Is that something? So what do you, yeah, what's the, because I'm going to be in the same boat. I record in two days. So what do I, what's the, what's the move? Because usually I had a couple of years to prepare, then you kind of rely on the old

stuff a little in the beginning. And then you slough that off. What do you do? Bill Burst said, he's like, I go out hacky out of the gate. Hacky? Yeah. Just cause he's like, I want to have a good, I want to kill. Right.

But I also have nothing left. So he hacks it up a little bit just to, just so they meet halfway. Interesting. Yeah. I don't know. You just have a couple tidbitty things. And then you're like, I got to come up with something. And then you riff.

But it comes. Yeah. A little riff. All right. It comes. No better feeling when it's starting to gel. That 17 turned into 22. Yeah.

That's a good feeling. And you got a beginning, a middle. Good stuff. Yeah. No, it's scary for sure. All right. Let me throw this down your gullet and see if it comes out of your ass. Please.

So Friday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I do the stress factory. Sunday, Ari's up my ass because he's going skiing. So we got to do this big triple header at Wise Guys in Utah. Okay. You know how it goes. We did it in Florida. Three shows, make a ton of dough, buy a giant house in Park City, and ski all week. That's a great trip.

So I got eight pods now. I'm on the road. I'm doing a special. So I hit a bar a month ago and I go, hey, man, I don't think I can go. I think I'm just too plumb busy. Oh boy. I'm swamped. He doesn't like that.

Are you kidding? Shane already pulled out. We need you at the show. Your name's on the bill. It's selling tickets. It's all sold out. The tickets aren't cheap. We need you there.

And I go, fuck. So I go, how about this? I'll fly out Sunday, do the shows, ski one day, and then come back. And he was like, deal. Okay. Pretty good. And I'm not a great snowboarder anyway. He spent five days out there.

We get hammered. We do mushrooms. We blow each other. It gets ugly. Sure. And Shane bailing on the whole thing. That helps your cause. That's true.

So I'm like, I'll be the noble one and still do the work and then leave. That's not bad. Tell you, or no one, I never thought this, flying to Utah and back in two days is hell. It's a lot. Yeah. It's a big flight. It's a long time. So the shows are at four, seven, and nine.

So I got to be there at three. At the latest. At the latest. So getting to Utah by three is a feat. Yeah. Well, you got the time working for you though. That's true. Two hours.

Yeah, two. So I go, here's my flight. All good. I get out there. It's in JFK. JFK just loves to come right in my eye. It's brutal. Even I live in Queens.

Same burrow. And it's still brutal. Still brutal. So coming from the west side of Manhattan is a whole rig of maroll. Yeah, you got to add an hour. That's why I worry about moving to New Jersey. I'm like, every ride to the airport is going to be two hours. Well, you got Newark.

Yeah, that's true. I love Newark. I'm an adult guy. True. They got a couple. I think there's like 10 flights direct from Newark. But anyways. United, it really shines.

But I know you hate them. It's a piece of shit airline. Don't even say it in my presence again. Jesus Christ. Well, United we stand. But so I go, all right, flights at nine out of JFK. Did the fucking shows in Jersey, then you got to drive back, put the car up, get home, all that.

Oh, it's the next day. Yeah. So I get home at four in the morning. You know, you go to bed at five, wake up, haul ass out of the house, got my bag packed. And you got ski gear. You got your giant jacket. You got your ski pants. You got gloves.

You got a lot of shit. So I get in the car, get an Uber, wreck on the highway, something's going on, missed my flight. Springsteen again. Damn it. Yeah. I just didn't a lot of, I should have a lot of an hour and a half to get to JFK. At least.

At least, apparently. But usually I can get there in an hour. So missed my flight. So I text Ari and you kind of have that first initial thought of like, well, I tried, left an hour early, did my part, flight took off, I'm gay. And he goes, are you nuts? You got to get there. So this is what I love about Ari.

He's so gung-ho that he's like, I'll find you a new flight. I'm like, I'm on Delta. Next flight gets me there at 430. Okay. So I'll miss the first show probably, but I'll make the second two. He's like, fuck that, found you a jet blue. Now he's, I'm like, well book it. He's on the fucking thing right there on the phone.

He goes, all right, I got it. Go to this gate, whatever. So I have to, I've already gotten to terminal four. Now I got to get to terminal five. That's brutal. Terminal is at an airport. Nightmare. Nightmare.

But it doesn't, oh, it's one terminal over. I'll take the air train. Easy peasy. Hell. That's hell. Just changing took like 50 minutes and then you got to go back through security. Right. I'd already gone through security, then you got to go back through and get on the air.

It's a whole thing. Finally get there. Flight's delayed. So now it's delayed an hour. Now it's delayed two hours. Now it's delayed three hours. So I'm like, what the hell? This is brutal.

I should just stay on that other Delta flight. So I go up to the gate and I go, lady, give it to me straight. Is this thing taking off? I got another Delta flight option. She goes, go with the Delta. Wow. So now I have to go change terminals again, go back to the original terminal, go through security again, barely get on the flight.

I run in last row middle. Oh. Because I jump on late. Right. And I got status and I'm still back row middle. Oh my Christ. Brutal. Flying to Utah, by the way, getting in the back row middle, getting off the plane takes

another hour and a half. Well, I always said the best part of getting upgraded to first class is you're the first one on, the first one off. Yes. That's the best part of the whole thing. It's not even the seat or the meal or the drinks or the view or anything. It's that when they're flying land, you're like, I'll see you later. You got that right, Freddie.

You have to watch 300 people be like, you want to go? I'll go. Yes. Yeah. You know, you got up, you're sweaty, you're running around, I've done security three times now. Right. And you're cursing.

I'm cursing Ari. I go, ah, what am I doing? These skate trips are so stupid. It's my fault because I missed the first flight, but I'm just like, I don't even want to go to this. And then I land and he's got Andy Haynes there in a van and he's like jumping the car with Andy. Andy Haynes.

Yeah. Go, Andy. And we pull up to the club at eight o'clock, no, nine o'clock. So now the first show, you missed the first two shows. I missed the first show. I made the second, but they were holding. Oh, so I hear it's a sold out show and I hear Ari go, he's in the van. The crowd goes, woo.

Oh, fun. He's on the phone with the crowd. Oh, that's exciting. Holy coffield. And then he's like, Mark's flaky. He's a cunt. Everybody hates him. And they're like, yeah, they're going nuts.

And that's all killing, which is a little hurtful. And then Andy pulls up. I run in. It's snowing. Run in Utah. Crowd goes apeshit. I make fun of Ari for five minutes. The hottest crowd ever do a fun set, get off.

They flip the room. We do the second show. Once you get in, you get a little food in you, you get a cocktail in you, you go, this is fun. Yes. But that flight, the changing three times, hell. Well that's the thing. I did this trip.

I flew all the way to Seattle for, I flew every other day. Wednesday, I flew to Seattle. Friday, I flew to Vegas. Sunday, I flew home. But once you're there, you just have to let that wash away. Let it wash, baby. It's a long ass flight. Then you're there and you're present.

You're there for 36 hours or whatever, so it was worth the five hours. Super worth it. So we get, we do the shows, the shows are great. We get to the house. You know, you get all, we pile into the SUV, we get to the house. Ari's so good, he pays for everything. He gets the house. He gets the SUV.

He gets beer. He gets booze. He gets food, groceries. And when you're with six guys, six comics, going to the grocery store is fun. Yes, of course. We're at Target throwing bread at each other and doing like a hut, hut hike with the peanut butter and tap at each other, it's the best. So and we get all kinds of ring dings and ice cream and all that.

We go nuts. I always say this, I got, I try to tell this to people, I'm like, ah, can we go to Starbucks and the people will go, are you running? I'm like, no, come in. Come in. Come in. We're going to laugh. We're going to make fun of the lady.

Yes. We'll steal some shit. We'll spill a drink and go, oh, we'll call her fat. Right. Like, what are you doing? Are you going to get your phone? That's what life's all about. Yes.

Let's go to the grocery store together. Come on. Second sister. And so now I'm so glad I'm there. I'm having a great time. And then we get to the house. The house is unreal. I don't know how R.E. finds these houses.

I mean, the Florida one was killer. Yes. This was like hot, uh, uh, back deck, multiple rooms, giant TV, big kitchen that you could all congregate. Don't you love a congregate? I do. If it didn't have an island. Big island.

Sitting around the island is fun. Manhattan, Madagascar, Great Britain. I love an island. Epstein's island. Yeah. That's the best one. Oh, yeah. So we got every, all these little 14 year old girls around this island and we're just

shooting the shit. Then you know, throw a beer, the guy, he catch it, crack it, and you know how you just end up there. Yes. You know, isn't that weird? There's all these great rooms. There's pool table and foosball, but you just end up in that island. Just chatting.

Island. And it just goes all night. We're like, we got to go skiing tomorrow. We got to pack it in, blah, blah, blah. We put the Chris Rock special on. We got drinks. We're tackling each other. Ian Finance is there.

You get him in a headlock. You put a finger up his ass. He comes. And just a great time. Then you pile in the car the next morning, you know, we go, we're going to be out by nine. We're going to ski all day. We all wake up at 1.30, you know, we jump in the car.

We missed all the skiing lessons. We get to the ski lodge. They put the suits on us, the gear, they're, they're Tuesdays, they're loving it. It's all a fun party. Head to the slopes. Sean Patton breaks his face the first two seconds. He's out. Ari tried to snowboard.

He fell over. He's an old man. And so he had to go get skis on. But we had a great day. Andy Haynes is the best skier on the planet. That guy is incredible. And just a great day. We go back.

We get in the hot tub. I go, I got to get drunk now because I have a flight at 6 a.m. on Tuesday. So we get in the hot tub. We drink and we go, we should all go out to dinner. We have this great dinner at a steakhouse with the waitress, high balls, porter houses, cream spinach. You name it. We took over that whole town.

Go back, get drunk. And I had that thing where we, I couldn't stop hanging out, but I'm getting picked up at 4 a.m. Now let me run this one by you. Please. So we all hang out till three. I go, I got to get an hour of sleep. I go to bed.

I lay there. You know, the clock goes off at 3 45. I get up. I pack all my shit. I have an Uber set for 4 a.m. to get to the airport at 5 for a 6 a.m. flight. Now it's 4, it's 3 59. I'm walking down the stairs of the house because it's dark. Everybody's asleep and I don't want to wake everybody up and I got the car.

I can see it out there and his lights are on. It's snowing again. And I go, okay, got my bag, walking down the stairs, pitch black, trying to be quiet like a titmouse. Now I'm walking, tidding, tidding, missed the last step, boom, fell right on my ground, cracked my ankle, didn't crack it, twisted it, sprained it, jerked it. Did you wrench it? Yeah.

It can get scratched, breathed on wrong. So I just go, blah, and I fall, the bag falls, and I'm in the dark and my ankle's throbbing. I'm like, ah, ah, but it's a weird sensation because I just thought, did I break my leg? Is this it? Is this how it all ends for the Norman? It could all end in one instant. And I was laying on the floor and I see the car out there, the headlights are coming in the window, and all the guys are sleeping.

It's pitch black. I'm laying on the floor for the morning with a suitcase. And I just had this feeling of like, this is it, I'm done. It was the weirdest sensation. I don't know what it is, but it could all go away. You mean you're dying? I just felt like, because you turned an ankle? I can't get up.

What are you, my aunt? I'm ruined. I've fallen. I can't get up. But just the darkness and the alone and the, I mean, Utah and snowing, I'm in a dark house. It felt very strange. It was surreal, surreal life. And I hobbled my ass up.

I jump up on the other ankle and I walk it out to the car and put the thing in the trunk and I'm like, ah, ooh, and we drive to the airport. Everything was fine, but it was a weird moment. I can't articulate. Yeah. I don't think you can because I'm like, it sounds like you twisted your ankle after a great time. I don't get it.

Yeah. Why is it so existential? It was existential because I realized like, I'm in Utah, but you're like, wow, you're in a vacation spot. It's not like you're in, but that made it even weirder because I'm having this grand home, this giant, and I hear I am on the floor and it makes you realize life is so futile. It's fleeting. I just was walking down mine on my own beeswax that fell down the stairs like a retarded

cartoon and I'm just like laying there like, and I felt so alone. I felt like a toddler in the crib. I couldn't find mom. Oh boy. Well, I'm sorry. Well, you're back home. You got a nice wife and you had a nice time with some good friends. Yes.

That seems good. Had a great time. The ankle's fine. We played pickleball. Didn't even notice it. And then yesterday, sign up for pre-check. All's well that ends well. Just got the email today.

Yes. I'm in. I'm registered. So check and clear. Yes. I'm flying to Chicago and I can't wait. I'm in the airport at 30 seconds. My favorite thing to do is when someone drops me off, text them and go, I'm through already.

They're like, what? Wow. I haven't got out of the airport yet. I'll be texting you that. Good feeling. Yes. Thanks for pushing me, but thank you Staples. I get to the Staples and they go, you got your passport?

I go, nah. Did you make an appointment? Yeah. And he goes, all right. We'll do it anyway. Staples Center. You got that right. Stomach staple.

Stomach. Stomach. Stomach. Is that a thing? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. All right.

Oh, I just heard grunting. He's going at it with the client, apparently. Yeah. Sound of grunting. How are we doing on time? 58. Oh. Oh, wow.

How about that? You want to do some dates there, Fay? Yeah. Oh, I got that. Excuse me. Little seam in there. Speaking of Utah, Salt Lake City, March 31st, April 1st. That's coming out.

I got Luke Monez coming out. Oh, I love the moan. Yeah, that's going to be fun. Monez. Monez. Monez. Oh, I love it. Yeah.

He'll be out there. Luke Monez, March 31st, April 1st. Wilbur Theater, of course. April 15th. That's going to be a humdinger, a dinger that can hum. That's going to be great. And then, Tampa's May 6th through 8th. Tampa.

Or something like that. 4th through 6th. And then, Tempe, May 11th through 13th. And then, I think I'm in Spokane in June, I think. Moontower, I'll be at that. What a word. Hey. I'm doing Purdue University.

I don't know if that's a public show, though. I don't know what that is. Wow. Purdue chickens. But yeah, Moontower. A bunch of dates. ComedienneJullist.com. Make sure you subscribe to the YouTube.

The special is coming soon. A bunch of stuff on there. You got a title? Not yet. It's working. Okay, okay. Working title. What to wear?

Because I can't decide what to wear. I wore a Ted Baker jacket and a Reese t-shirt, which cost about $350. Reese's pieces. Jesus. Yeah. I mean, it was like $40. But still, it's a $40 t-shirt. A t-shirt.

Yeah. What is this? Brutal. Sweatshop. Good Lord. And then, I wore these pants and whatever. Nothing crazy. All right.

Yeah. I think I'm just going to wear jeans and a t-shirt. But who cares? Who knows? Who's coming to dinner? I'm in Toledo. I'm in Dayton. I'm in Poughkeepsie.

I'm doing some real shit boxes because I am going to be bombing, folks. Call me the bomb squad because I'm coming to your town and I'm going to really make some people upset. So say hello. If you want to see a workout set and me really humiliate myself, check my Cal and come on down and get a mug, get a shirt, the Patreon. If you're not on it, you're just a special needs person at this point. Chuckie?

How's that bicep pick? Not bad. Not bad. Pretty good. It's pretty good. I sent one to you, too. Bicep shawls. I think I blocked you.

Check it out. Let's see Joe's face. I want to see Joe's face in response to this. What do you think? Oh. I feel like for a photo, I was expecting more. Yeah. What?

There's no definition. There's no separation. There's nothing here. No, get out of here. I'm not pushing it from the back. You know what I mean? The cat looks great. Yeah.

I thought he did look good. Oh, yeah. Yeah, his hair was great. Jason Katz has great hair. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, fun stuff on my podcast, Fun Bearable, but this week we're actually doing a live show in the Tri-State area for the first time.

It's going to be a live Fun Bearable this Friday, March 31st at Kevin Smith's movie theater in Atlantic Highlands, Smodcastle Cinemas. We're doing a, we do a show called Bradley Drawing where we take a movie and my buddy Brad draws every scene from it, and then I write a new narration for it. We're doing it for Clerks, and the lead guy from Clerks is going to do it on stage with us. He's going to play the main character. Wow.

Karthi McCaffrey? It's a, it's a, Brian O'Halloran. Oh, I know. It was Irish. And then, right afterwards, they're going to do a screening of the Impractical Jokers movie. Oh. And Quinn from Impractical Jokers and Kevin Smith are going to do a Q&A.

Oh, that's amazing. Hot tamale. It's a pretty insane night. You got that right, Fanny. Smodcastle. So go to SmodcastleCinemas.com or funbearablepod.com. We have the tickets up now. It's going to be pretty kooky.

Now we're talking. I just got to Salt Lake Cities this week. All right. There you go, folks. All right. You heard it here. Cleafed. Keep it real.

There you go.