Tuesdays with Stories! - #499 12 Angry Anals

Episode Date: April 18, 2023

The queens of queef are back in the studio! The guys jump into what women want, and they get into a little current cinema for 2023: 12 Angry Men, The Godfather and Back to the Future. The boys ponder whether or not Larry is actually hanging it up with Curb, as has been reported! Mark goes on a long bike ride with old Salacuse, and takes the Beamer out for a joyride. Joe hangs with Greg Warren, has to fly out for a weekend... and pulls a Normand! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping with the code TUESGAYS at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com - Support the show & get an extra 3 months of ExpressVPN for free at https://www.expressvpn.com/TUESDAYS

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing folks here we are we're back we're here we're queer you're you dried up pretty good yeah I was a little sweaty I'm a little under the weather again the double sick well you know maybe it's the seasons changing and

all that crap that's what Chuck said I went to Utah your altitude wow that was a weird like a cartoon car spinning out yeah couldn't start what's the car in Rogers who frame Roger rabbits a little funny yeah like a Brooklyn accent Benny his name is Benny he was a cab what a pole yeah Benny the cab yeah yeah he's like he's a virgin he loved the Dodgers he was Brooklyn the yes Dodgers oh or whatever right right yeah that's fun the baby was fun on that too I think the baby was a comic or something because he was angry at a cigar great great film great movie Taylor went to the theater as a kid saw that

and I saw the the high school or not the high school the bully from my school was at the theater as well and I was like oh hey and he goes what are you doing and I go I'm seeing Roger Rabbit and he goes oh I'm seeing Ernest goes to camp and I'm her being like I finally won nice I got one on him yeah that's that's that bumping into kids is so weird when you bumped into a teacher or a kid it was so weird seeing people out of context as a kid is just mind-blowing cookie it's like seeing a stripper at a restaurant you're like what's going on there you're supposed to be you know lap dancing one time I had a stripper come out I tell

you this was very exciting moment I had a stripper walk out her name was star was her stripper name and right when she walked out she like clocked me was like oh hey and she was like I know you and she was a little made up in strippery so I was like oh hey and she was like remember I hooked up with her whoa yeah she had gone the stripper I think if I didn't call her back and I didn't send her life into a nosedive oh no it was very exciting because you're like oh shit wait a minute how'd you hook up I don't know just like a bar hookup a regular old combo comedy hookup oh yeah and I don't think we fucked either it

was like a make-out he well I sucked I had no confidence then or now Chuck's just taking photos of the light bulbs I don't know what's going on the tape oh the cameras all taped together we give Chuck about $48,000 a month and he brings us trash chargers and the I'll have to post a photo the cameras literally fucking duct taped onto the tripod ghetto rigged it looks like you're holding it hostage and you don't want it to talk it's gonna take all over it it's like the tape guy from Americans Got Talent it's embarrassing and I think there's like a I want to say 30% chance that thing takes a nosedive straight

into the ground at some point that's not a cheap camera either no but Chuck's got a nice haircut did you notice that I didn't notice over the masking $57 check the price before I went in that's Staten Island to Staten I they gave me a drink menu they made me put on a robe I was like this is bad news give me 40 bucks I'll cut your hair yeah you can get a studio apartment in Staten Island for 48 bucks whatever a man and there's a barber college in Manhattan they'll do it for five clams no kidding yeah it looks just as good as that well I haven't gone there in years but maybe I should wait what the fuck

were we talking about you did not fuck a stripper oh yeah I think we had hooked up and made out one of those things but I had no confidence Jerry speaking of Jerry I got a beef with Jerry I want to talk about bring it on fatty but yeah maybe you could bring it up to him but anyways oh was that oh coffee I thought that was Flint water was cross that's a wet market it came out yellow but any jizz I had so many incidents I'm sure we've talked about this like I look through old photos in the Boston comedy scene a beautiful woman like sitting across my lap like this like in my thing and I'm talking and I just never

hooked up with her wow yeah I'm like because I thought like wow she's just a platonic hang across my body thing were you excited of course I'm excited now thinking about it I got you know technically that's a free you got a freebie because she charges for that sitting on the lap usually and you got it for the for the price of nothing oh this is a different girl I'm just saying in general I thought it was another stripper but yeah once by the way the stripper comes out but maybe again maybe this is my fucked up no confidence thinking you can't get a lap dance with a lady you know that feels weird huh like

once the stripper comes out who I knew and hooked up with you can't you can't be like hey one lap dance please you can do it kind of cheeky hey it's ironic hey you know we fucked but I'll give you one of these in public yes if you want to a titty bar and you know SD came out you wouldn't be like oh is that what this gal looked like is that what you're getting out here which you know Israeli woman no hot hot lady I'm just saying and Jen I'm just trying to pick a woman you know and then the audience I see I see yeah well you could say for the first time in history that stripper actually does like me because every time

Dick and anal in history goes oh no I got a connection there's a thing happening here but with you it was real yeah I've never felt that I've never been out of strip club and thought she's into me I've thought it but I think you got a charm you're very handsome fella well you know what the ears no yeah the ears are connected it's a problem but you know what the the new version of that is I got friends who will look at chicks on tiktok like a some 11 year old twerker with a camel toe and a yoga pant and they'll like it and I'm like why are you like it no you never know maybe she'll see the light oh this is the new version

of the stripper likes me wow are you afraid you're gonna be on a list somewhere or something well I'm not joking about the 11 but you know 13 whatever something legal those lists exist I want to talk about these lists I never seen a list you tell me it's in the name I don't know but wonder where that comes from there's gotta be some lineage of you on a list as a pedophile in 1801 well I think it's a German name there was a Z there's a famous guy at least and I think they dropped the Z because the Nazis or something like that oh then it's just Nei oh no what no they don't want to be perceived as Nazis I saw the Z makes

it feel fucking I don't think you give a goog to list with a Z just maybe who knows maybe we'll get some 23 and me too coming up who knows what'll happen well here's an almost impossible thing to do is to search my name on Google is you write oh yeah just gives you lists of names you're like surname list it's like oh here they are O'Connor O'Donoghue but Gregor Stevenson you get a full Buzzfeed article you can't fit I guess if you put it in quotes or some shit I don't know I gotta do that 23 me cuz I told you I went to Auschwitz and there's all kinds of lists in there why the list a lot of Joe lists and I'm like maybe I'm a Jew

I'm very neurotic I'm sick for the second time in a month sure sure yeah this could be something comedy complaining asses yeah yeah yeah you can't eat a bunch of stuff you're in the steam room all the time I love a steam yeah what else anything you got anything on the Z bro is real there's a bunch of LIS ZT's yes that's what I'm saying yeah but I don't see any with just Z well that's what he said I'm saying yeah we had a Z I think probably yeah yeah that's what I'm guessing I get I think that it probably just got shortened and that's it I'm 23 Hungarian it's Hungarian that's what this says wow you're always hungry yeah

that's true I'm hungry right now okay that's pretty good yeah I thought you were a Scotsman well Scottish and Irish and here's the thing my grand father's father of the list lineage is from Ireland because the Germans migrated west in like the 1470s 1580s whatever so I come from generational lists in Ireland got it they were like my grandfather's father is like the boat the great grandfather I died really young too this yeah his mother was to we also do we yeah it says that the list you know it said in German and Dutch list is a nickname for someone who is wise and knowledgeable from the

Middle High German list Dutch list with wisdom ingenuity damn right I know but we need some that's just a compliment I know grounded faxing I'm trying to find it coming a wily because you're kind of looking at it like when they have like something son or something right you know I don't know what lists would come from right and then my mother's size Campbell and McKinnon so that's like a real Scotsy business now what I've been doing is I've been popping an edible to go to bed and it works like a charm but once you start getting a little high before the tiredness kicks in I'll watch all these history things and it'll be a

cartoon of like they really simplify it like a like a South Park kind of guy and he comes on he's like this is the history of Europe or history of Ireland how the fuck do we have any Irish people left first of all the Vikings went in and wiped them all out yeah then the potato famine sure then the Irish Civil War then the Brits hated them and then half of them left to America I can't believe there's this many Irish people yeah that's why I think there's more Irish living in a Irish Americans living in America than Ireland that makes sense the stat I heard yes that in Ireland they also said that there's more black

people who come to America by their own will then slaves at this point so that's kind of good yeah that makes that's progress yeah well there's a lot more time what's going on Chuck are we all right moving the camera around I'm scared where the cameras easy hey it's it's camera tape it's tape about tape we're being taken to the camera yeah that's fun now the camera is getting its own tape what was I gonna say about Ireland Ireland the mix so Connell O'Donnell you O'Reilly potato the blue-eyed devil red-head ginger canner told me a story about a guy he worked with Barton I love these kinds of people please you know

he's an American guy with whatever last name and he got an argument with a guy and he goes shut up you stupid Mick and the guy was like this he called me a Mac he called me a Mac and like this like hold me back and I'm like this come on you're offended by Mick stop it that's literally a name I know a guy named Mick and he said it to me goes I guess another time he had like a couple of British guys came in he's like I can't serve them away and I Sarah worked there to and she's like what are you talking about and he's like I'm Irish oh you're like what are you crazy I fucking can't stand guys like that carrying around this

lie won't even talk to a British guy like stop it you fucking there's all kinds of versions of that like the the guy I my friend he had this crazy girlfriend she would like flip over tables and throw plates and I was like what's going on with this broad you got to get rid of this lady she's holding a knife and he's like she's Brazilian they're passionate I'm like passionate she's a fucking murderer passionate she's throwing plates at people out the window yeah you can't throw plates it's no good she's past she's fiery she's Latina get the fuck out of here she's a cunt yeah it's crazy I remember saying

this one time to a person was like oh yeah the Campbell you know we're at work Campbell clan and I was like yeah they were known for being a traitor is famously and then this guy was like no way dude no way you know it's like well I'm not I'm not saying we are yes this isn't like 1280 exactly you're not a traitor I'm not a traitor we're good people I'm just saying 4,000 years ago people do it the other way too they go hey you know the Brits we we invented half the shit I'm like yeah but you didn't yeah you didn't do anything you just got fucked or your mom got fucked and shit you out you want to hear my

Seinfeld beef please I'm listening to an old stern 2017 okay I think I know it yeah that's a good one I think the the special was coming at the Netflix special is that the one where he's talking about material and he's like yeah you always think about me too he's like always think about material I think it's not a not a curse he's like well what else am I gonna think about it's a beautiful thing I'm creating maybe that in there I can't remember only about a half hour in I've seen all of them says you find the torture that you're comfortable that's the one how do you know that hey you pull that out the

Benny the cab you're all over the road yeah quite a brain over here working around the clock he's taping cameras quite a bit over there right there what are you a carpenter but he says they're talking about their favorite so he talks about his favorite movies how he loves the graduate the graduates the greatest movie ever and he I guess he wanted to have Dustin Hoppin on comedians and cars drive the the car around and then have the music but Dustin Hoffman didn't want to do it what then he talks about the Godfather Star Wars later I don't think so hey don't say Jew that's my team oh sorry

sorry yes wouldn't be fun if I did my lineage and I was like Ashkenazi and then I just started correcting everybody on that would be fun I love the idea of an Ashkenazi well Nazis right in there crazy it's mind-blowing yeah yeah it's like Negro Medello but continue whoa so anyways they talk about the Godfather and he goes how about isn't it crazy the Godfather doesn't have one curse word in it no curse words in the whole movie can you imagine that and then they talk about like wow imagine that but Sonny says the n-word oh which is hilarious to me because I'm like does Jerry just not see that as a curse word they not like

it almost like they're making a movie in the 70s we're not gonna do any cursing wow and then he says the n-word you're like wow whatever that's not really that's funny but Sonny says those those n-words I have a nice time up in Harlem with our driving Cadillacs oh wow yeah so but there is no F or I don't know if any else is son of a bitch okay also goes son of a bitch and they also say I mean this isn't a swear I mean now I'm just splitting hairs but they do say we leave the traffic into the dark people the color their animals anyway so let them lose their souls quoting which isn't a swear but it's not exactly it's not

exactly PG no no no no it's PN but it is interesting they don't say fuck and then there and then Jerry's like imagine that movie was swearing it would ruin the whole thing and you're like well good fellas had the record for most F words like 15 years and it's a masterpiece that's a silly statement it would still be a great movie and maybe more realistic because they are gangsters they murder people that's true they throw out a couple of F's and B's and S's well the thing is though I think back then maybe they're classier and it is the upper echelon you know good fellas is soldiers these are like the top brass so

maybe they don't swear as much I don't know that's a good beef though it's an interesting beef I want if I ever see him or if I you want to bring it up or maybe I'll tell Colin to bring it up because he loves this kind of stuff well he definitely does think the n words curse word now we're just getting into all our Seinfeld knowledge but he does the talking funny yes and Louie says it rock says it and he's like I won't say it yeah so he definitely knows it's a no no to Daffy I also love that moment where Louie says now you haven't tried to find the funny goes no and I don't intend to or something like that which is

really funny the idea of Jerry sitting down with his yellow pad being like all right and word let's see what we got here right but anyways I got there is a curse in Godfather well if a bone to pick or a problem is a beef well what's the other what's the opposite of a beef a chicken a quiff a tofu oh maybe like lettuce or a radish tofu is not bad what's the other one that's not tofu but it's made of a V a boy yes boy boy another one for the sea dog all right this is not a good world where Chuck's on fire yeah all right just look to the tape toss he's on fire to the audience he's putting out a fire putting I don't

know do you watch the Waco thing by the way I did not is a good wonderful all right little over stylized but fun there is like they do like a CGI like it comes across and swings around the house okay well the Waco guy was high five and his friend and then they took that down too sweet but it's fun but it's beef so I got a tofu or a quiff or a soy and soy sauce so when I was with Seinfeld at the breakfast I had one of the top this is how insecure and sad I am you ever have somebody say that's a good question yeah boy I can't tell you how good that makes me feel so at one point he was talking about some movie I can't remember

what move oh leaving Las Vegas okay with the cage mm-hmm and the booze and the Vegas and he goes what the woman in that he was telling me something about her and I was like oh yeah he's like what's her name and I go Elizabeth shoe and he goes good job was I on the top of the world because now it shows that I'm I'm not I'm not a mooch or a Tardo you know I'm in the mix yes I know actors I'm not I'm not just some fanboy I mean I am but I we're having a real convo we're on the same page yeah you're mixing I think it's cuz we got no compliments from our parents I was just talking about this you got that right Fanny somebody said

very similar somebody said something and I felt like yes thank you I can't remember what the fuck it was and but it was so minute but I felt sad that I was taking pride in it oh dude that's the story of my life I'll sit there and shower going good job he said good job but you know it means the world to me and I get her and what's that lady's name Caroline from the city Leah Thompson back to the future oh yeah point too hot 80s late well I've had this a few time this is gonna be what to cut this also right now people be like your wife looks just like Elizabeth shoe very nice very nice but my initial reaction is like shoe is

like she was a movie star yeah but she's not as hot as my wife yeah it's funny how egos are interesting as women and maybe men too women will believe it like if I go up to my wife and I go boy you look like Angelina Jolie she'll go when I'm like you don't look anything like her right not saying you're ugly but your miles apart and you guys don't even have the same facial structure and she's like I'll take it well I gotta tell you this might be controversial we've talked about this before I'm not a Jolie guy I know your wife's more attractive than Angelina Jolie well they have stamp cut that and send it to her but don't tell

her that she'll dump me and go to you I just think Jolie I don't get it Kardashian too I don't think I like a full lip I like a thin Tom Broca lip about the chopper no that was the other guy Brian Williams Williams daughter that's something Allison Williams oh she's beautiful she's unreal that's a good looking fan my mom was into Brian Williams news is coming on my best friend Erica or Derek my best friend's wife close ah she's one of my closest friends I'm not backtracking Derricka she loves Lester Holt got a thing for the whole I can see the Holt which Sarah pointed out Lester Holt looks like he has a pony

tail wait a minute he's got the forehead right yeah but it's it looks like he just has a tight ponytail pull up a Lester Holt photo he's the black guy with the glass yeah yeah looks like he's got a ponytail behind his head I can see that cuz he's kind of pulling back yes how about this nugget you know Morgan Freeman yeah I know he's got a big old hoop earring so does Harrison Ford so some of these old timers with the with the one hoop they look like a genie okay and I go what's that about sailors used to do it you know why no because if they died this would pay for the coffin gold there's enough for a box a casket no

kidding so Freeman's a sailor I he wants to be now let me ask you this and this could devolve into a whole other bag of dog shit smooth sailing do you have any idea what a free mason is oh I wish I knew and I pretend to every time I mason the other what's the other one cob nobler no there's another one a fart knocker stone stone cutter stone mason yeah right stone well there's all kinds of these these these alliances are these men's teams out there I was watching the movie prisoners great movie it's great but have you watched it recently it devolves a little bit at the end it gets a little bit like gillen hall yeah

gillen hall and Hugh Jackman I loved it and I just rewatched it the last 20 minutes gets a little like what's going on here what is this yeah it gets a bit conflated and wacky and over the top a little it's been a minute there's a little bit of like wait what the fuck why would this happen who's the cop the cop is gillen hall who's the man who's like the greatest yeah and then the other guy is Hugh Jack Jackman's beaten up Dano yes Dano and Dano yeah and but it gets the old lady is like a tough lady she's the bad guy and like Hugh Jackman's afraid of her I don't know why he wouldn't just kick the shit out of her

and she's a little cartoony she's like yeah so I got the little kids and maybe start to get like a little right right but any jizz dog too he's got the ring and I was reading the fun facts and it says he's got a Freemason ring and I was like what is a Freemason I spent two hours googling you can't get any info on this secret society they probably scrub it yeah so what do they do they hang out I think there's like eight presidents who are Freemasons it's all that like demonic you know hood up fire in the in the in the in the forest and they have chants and then they have a club where they have a ring and a high

five and a handshake and it gets a little gay apparently wow interesting yeah maybe we should be Freemasons that might be fun sure I'd love to be you know that's like the triangle with the eye apparently that's a Freemason thing it's all pipes yeah well some of this is Illuminati also yeah that's Illuminati they're similar it's all secret clubs that are we're not in right so but yeah I wish I knew I pretended oh people go Freemason like oh yeah tell me about it no I've had people do that with like he's in the Freemasons and I'm like yeah wow yeah and then you just hope you know that feeling where you're like this

please move on any topic come up someone say something about sports quick exactly it's kind of like the Klan except they're like high-end you know the Klan is like a is low-level Root and Toot and Hillbilly bullshit but these guys are like politicians and corporate CEOs and stuff right okay it's like a fraternity so why is the cop in the Freemason yeah detective that I don't get but anyways it's a fun movie the cinematography is incredible Jillian Hall is amazing I think it comes apart a little bit if you really want I started to be like this I don't understand this old lady is like yeah yeah and I think

they were trying to really throw you you're like this guy's a pedo but it's a lady right boy you want to talk good movies you ever put this right up your ass twelve angry men oh I love twelve angry men one of my favorite movies of all time 1957 I watched the Salacuse recommended it big fat Sally and I go give me a good movie I want to need a movie tonight the wife's out of town I want to pop an edible and watch this and he goes 12 anger man I got 50s I don't know black and white Henry Fawn amazing what a great group EG Marshall the dad from the Christmas vacation Jack Wagner Jack Warden Jack Warden from dead

dirty work dirty work Jack Klampus what's the other guy plug man plug man plug man's in there what a name you know I love his Martin Landau no no he's good Marty awesome he's in psycho he's in that he's in express take the train what's the take the train movie they remade it with your phone 1 2 3 you watch the first Pelham 1 2 3 great that's a hell of a picture gritty New York 70s flick it's fun Martin Balso is just he's the jury number one he's the fucking head whatever fact love ball sack but great movie and Sydney Lamette yes yes and it just shows it's 12 queeps in a room it's not a painting on the

wall not a paint on the wall nothing great movie gripping and it's all dialogue and they unpack the whole trial and it's all about what's going on personally right versus left liberal Democrat Republic and it just gets right and it's all selfish and it's all me me me amazing sucks you dick Lee Jacob we didn't even mention he's the best actor in the whole thing I have a thing about Sydney Lamette first movie 12 angry men that was the first I believe so well he was a theater guy and then last movie before the devil knows you're dead you know that movie Tomei's tips great movie first and last

unbelievable one in the 50s one in the 2000s tremendous he did I believe oh did he do man on the moon no that's me los for me was also great also great he did we had some holes in it it did dog day afternoon that's the one the greatest that's the big one who did Almeda I'm a dais I don't know dais because he was somebody that might have been foreman to me he did cuckoo's nest you got that right and then man on the moon maybe he did I'm a dais Chuck doesn't feel like looking it up give it a goog there haircut oh you gotta hold follow show the photo the uh whole pony tail it does look like

he's hiding a pony tail see that's a little bit of a side angle so it's harder to notice but he's got the side angle yeah he's pulled here's a question does the fact that he looks like he has a ponytail but doesn't make him hotter hmm because women go deep into this uh these little specifics about men like I like you because you don't try but you don't look like you don't try or whatever the fuck they always have some crazy I'm like where'd you get that am I hotter am I not do you like my dick or no you going all this do I try do I what are you picking an outfit it's all pipes I don't understand women that could be the end of the story there you go

Sarah's talking about like I was with some women the other day and they were like men have the wrong idea of what we care about they think we want abs we don't care about abs we like a belly but I just think also I'm like I think we've said this before but I'm like so if all of a sudden I just have washboard abs you're gonna be bummed out exactly you know what I mean like you wish I was fat I don't get I mean Chuck is beaming over here he can gain the weight back but uh if you lost it for a woman get it back don't do it they don't like it but here's my beef with this shit women do this all the time they go men have no idea tell us then tell us you fucking whores what are you doing put it on a billboard we'll do everything you want we're

trying to fuck you and I'm also like just can can we just I'm not gonna sound like a right wing you know Jordan Peterson lunatic whatever well what a 12 angry anals can you also just say you love money you want money you want success because I know many of wealthy people that are fucking the hottest women on the planet of course and they look like dog dick shit ass afternoon yeah blood of course of course they're all hideous but you know it's always like some oil tycoon is dating Jackie Odessus I gotta get a new newspaper but it's all these old fat guys who are bald they got a jail going but they got a pinky ring and a velvet suit and a cane and a nice Cadillac free mason's ring I mean are you watch you see I mean first of all like everybody's

hot once they're successful everybody I've should women be like oh and I'm not gonna name names or two horns but they're like oh he's hot he's sexy I'm like are you out of your fucking mind I know I know then they go he's got something there's something there like what do you mean something there you gotta give me more than that I need some facts bitch yes money and success if I blow up if my next movie doesn't get 11% on rotten tomatoes and I'm Adam Sandler you'll see people are gonna be like there's something about him exactly I love the weak jawline and the huge forehead it's just sexy it's it they do it every time Pete if Pete Davidson was holding two bags of cans and had a FedEx hat on he wouldn't be getting blown now now blow they go well he doesn't try he doesn't care

he's scruffy he's aloof and I'm like he's aloof and on SNL and a millionaire and a movie star and a stand-up comedian you gotta factor that in ladies also if you like scruffy and aloof and retarded get on the subway there's three on every car exactly what about that guy they're eating their own shit and you know smelling shoes or whatever every time they go Lester Holt if Lester Holt had on a domino's hat and then a box of pizza nobody's blowing them and then they do another thing these women this is we're just trashing women now but they do another thing he's with where the hottest guys like a guy that's hot hot like a real hot guy like a Tom Cruise Brad Pitt okay they're unobtainable so then the women sit around they go I don't know I'm just not into him

I don't like his thing although I just did that with Joe Lee but I really am not sure sure they're like I don't know Brad Pitt doesn't do it for me I'm like what do you out of your mind he does it for me guys do that too though I've seen guys go like Jennifer Ann she's gross like gross your wife is gross she is hot but someone did that I've got to hope it wasn't you somebody said about Anne Hathaway do you hate Hathaway I love no I know who it is I don't want to name names but this person was like Anne Hathaway disgusting I don't see it what it's the same thing I'm like first of all she's the hottest to me and I'm like Anne Hathaway is objectionable to you I know Berkshire Hathaway it's crazy and then they do these extremes ah she's a pig I'm like she's a pig what's the pig

meter now so what is Rosie O'Donnell then right if Anne Hathaway is a pig then Rosie's a hog or a cow or a moose you know Jerry said Rosie O'Donnell read for Julia for Elaine you know that oh that makes sense that's cool that's so funny that she came up because I just watched a clip of curb today where they're fighting over the same girl all right right and then she keeps going she's a dyke Larry she's a dyke and uh it's fun she's very funny she's fun oh yeah I don't know about her act she was a stand up for 10 minutes in the 80s in Long Island but I don't know about her act but funny actress I think she did her first set in Boston or she shot her special in Boston something the background of the comedy connection was her background for her special

or something like that I think she's one of those ones that like started on a dare she has a weird story oh give it a good about somebody being like you think you're funny try it and then she got up there something like that lesbians are funny yeah that was another thing that she first she said dyke and she goes uh hey Larry's like well I guess she's bi and she goes every bi person's actually gay and I'm like that's probably offensive to someone yeah that's all up in the air I'm so sad that I think they wrapped the show I got three auditions and I'm like well my dream is dead two over here two we got five between us yeah come on LD maybe we stink yeah it was hard and I have a friend who knows Larry and he's like I put in a word he's aware of you and so I really thought like well

here we go yeah but I think I was going out for such low level parts he's not even involved well I also have a friend who knows Larry and you'd think he'd throw me a fucking yeah I think he's got a lot more going on this friend I have he's got he's got nothing okay he's just sitting around waiting for his life to begin well here's the real twist of the uh the dildo is I put my audition on the patreon and I checked the comments and everybody's like no wonder you didn't get it this is bad you know I was like okay well that's at least it's objective now oh maybe I'll put mine out put it out it's all content content my pretty guy had run on reading as Larry which is pretty good that's pretty good because he's an extremely annoying Jew and hilarious and brilliant like Larry

yeah there you go ah well what can you do curb you know I've auditioned for every dickless showed law and order sv anal all this shit I'm like puppy and curb coach I know ready to gay well maybe we'll add a season he's got nothing else going on everyone always says they're retiring and then they don't I think they filmed two endings already that they went back on they had him die at the end of last season two but they never put it out they also had the one years ago that he died yeah yeah oh that's right with the heart attack yeah it's very silly so you never know it's to the point where if they're shooting in Manhattan I'm just gonna walk through the fucking shot just to get on yeah ah Larry we love you laugh maybe we'll beat him one day beat him me I mean I've met him

but maybe we'll maybe we'll be in the room with him once that'll be exciting and see you can you can go up to him because if I go up I'm gonna go ah season four whatever you know but you're gonna go up and go hey you see the brooders playing on the shortstop yeah I got some baseball I guess but it always feels forced sometimes people try that I've seen people try that with Louis with Louis Red Sox hat and then someone's like hey the old and he's like oh I don't care yeah you're like this swinging a miss yeah baseball hey folks sheath underwear that's the sponsor they you know we love them I'm pretty sure I'm wearing them right now it's getting hot out there you know what that means it's time for your balls to stick to your dong well once you've tried sheath underwear you'll

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bikini briefs and boy shorts go to sheath underwear dot com and use Tuesdays to get 20% off your first order plus sheath underwear is 100 money back guarantee that sheath underwear dot com promo code Tuesdays get sheath underwear support the show and support your balls hey there folks Tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by express vpn you wouldn't try to walk your dog without a leash so why are you using the internet without express vpn whether dealing whether you're are dealing with your new puppy or making a purchase online everything in life is better when it's safe and secure every single time you connect to an unencrypted network like in a cafe a hotel or an airport your online data is not secured a hacker merely has to be on the same

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you're doing your information is safe get an extra three months of express vpn free and express vpn dot com slash tuesdays that's express vpn dot com slash tuesdays express vpn dot com slash tuesdays here here back to the show yeah it's hard it's hard when you meet celebrities i would say this with burr because for years i didn't know burr yeah he's a tough but i'm like but my whole life i was like we should be frank he mentioned he drove a dodge neon we grew up two towns apart right he loves the bruins the patriots the socks angry irish i know his brother he knows ira so i was like a ton so you it's one of those things you just want to be like you wish there was like a chip or a signal or free mason's ring that you're like we're friends yes and you can't just come out and be like hey

the bruins you know you have to let it organically happen which it has now but it took years it takes years and it you cannot force it everybody says you got to work hard you got to try which is true for everything but friendships if you try too hard with a friendship but kiss but that's one of the great things about the side because there's we have like six or seven artistically signed feldian people you me fiori matt wane dolman donnelly donnelly griffin uh uh show of uh chavone i was confused schultz and chavone their names not their personalities that's for sure sure and sure but uh which i want to get a hang the autistic sign felt gang but it is when someone drops a really deep sign felt line even on like instagram someone will be

like pay or something and i'm like this oh hey you're my friend yes we have this thing in common well it just struck me there's a dating app called hinge are you familiar i have heard of it the whole rub on hinge is that you know a guy or a gal in common and so you can bond on that so you're basically saying like i'm not a serial killer we both know susie so then you go all right we both those susie let's get together and now it you have a little more of a connection than just some freewheeling coos on the upper east side that you happen to swipe with right so we need that with friends is what i'm saying not the show yeah we need that with friends like oh we got a connect but it's not another friend it's oh we know about uh uh poppy's a little sloppy right you know that's

the hinge yeah if somebody said to me there's a whole other thing going on with poppy forget about i'm kicking everyone out of the room exactly and going hey you're you and me of course there's 300 000 people right now like pulling up sign felt on netflix like writing shit down remember we had sign tuesdays with sign felt for a while that was fun that's right and when i was a single man i would kind of do a little research on a lady before i went on a date with them and i would see like in their bio they liked and ryan rand or some shit so i would do a little wikipedia and i'd be like ah the drinks here is so slow it's like atlas shrugged and they're like what yeah that's women go for that shit if you have some weird connection you know when

they're like oh wait we have the same birthday whoa put it in my ass i'm like all right i'm the same chute she met before but now that we do we have the same birthday you're gonna let me ailey defile you that's like the film uh cuckoo everyone says i love you the woody allen movie julia roberts his his daughter has uh whatever their divorce and she can hear a therapist next store and the therapist client is julia roberts so then they see julia roberts he has a crush on her and she gives them all the info which is a tad creepy a little creepy so then he does exactly that he keeps bumping into her and he's like oh i'm out for my run my favorite flower is daffodil my favorite you know gay is elton john whatever right did did you ever have this uh fantasy you

know when you're single you're so desperate and you just want to beat somebody and you're lonely and you're gay i always had that fantasy of saving a life oh yeah oh i still have that all the time every day yes yeah i'm hoping chuck is suicidal and i pull him off the rope yeah that's how i keep zinging him keep going it'll happen i'm hoping he'll be like hey i'm gonna kill myself and i rush in and stop the bullet well people won't be happy about that same yeah you know i just can't go to reddit that's all like uh when i picked up that old lady i was like oh i thought she was dying dammit she just fell you know like you want it to be a life and death and then you start thinking maybe i'll set one up and that's what it really gets diabolical yeah i think that's happened that's

another what do you i think what do you did that at some point too i think so oh no wait curb curb curb yes jesse small ed as well by the way oh yeah he set up a big one but yeah uh that would be fun they did i remember an episode of baywatch where a lady is like swimming and a guy comes up and he's like give me your snorkel and he you know hang you know headlocks her and then the lifeguard comes over and saves her and then they start dating and then she finds out that he set that up and then gets like back back to the future there you go supposed to rape his mom yeah yeah the eighties man yeah that was a family film yeah it's crazy what by the way no one i we've talked about this for sure god damn it but no one understand i try to do it as a bit i'm like the whole plan was to rape

his own mom and the audience would all be like what and i'm like did you not i know the movie they like they don't even pick up on it somehow they just don't get it well i feel like that's a comedian's mind in a nutshell is we're seeing things for what they are and then you're like pointing it out and they go oh we don't like that you're like i'm not saying i think that that's what happened that's what i said i'm like that that's the plot of the movie i don't know what to tell you they don't like it it doesn't sound good yeah but it just doesn't sit well it doesn't sit well that's exactly right it's like that uh dan adamant thing where he does the the joke about uh middle easterners or whatever and he goes they blow up a building and now i can't make a joke he goes you should be able to make fun

of muslims then they murdered 3000 americans now you can't do it anymore that i think three times a week which is by the way an off the cuff line it wasn't even in his ass you think yeah yeah wow it was just he was just trying to joke it bombed to me that i live for lines like that yeah i had a line the other day i did a joke something something and uh the crowd goes oh and i go ah a joke in a comedy show and that got an applause and i'm like well how about you just laugh at the joke instead of me having to comment about you guys being queefs by the way you mentioned watching history have you seen shane in a while have you seen his bit about watching history no it leads to republicanism very funny that's a great bit yeah yeah he's a talented guy he's got that other one about uh he's

like you can tell i'm getting more republicans like i'm becoming a vampire i'm like there's so many black people this commercial it's a great act yeah he's very good i saw that i got to hang with him in uh salt lake city get this i'll get into a story here now that we're at 58 minutes where are we by the way you're probably about 41 okay okay well anyway i was in salt lake city what a club keith is the best guy one of the best clubs one of the best owners in the biz and he doesn't get enough credit keith yeah he's amazing and a great hang great hang which is funny by the way so you know i don't want to get too inside baseball here maybe this is inappropriate uh-oh but well we can cut i was telling a comic i was like you know this he's paying me a lot of money

and uh you talking to keith i'm talking to this other comic okay okay and i'm like i'm getting nervous because he's giving me like a really huge guarantee and the ticket sales aren't uh it's not sold out and then this comic goes don't worry about it these club owners when have they ever just thrown you a bonus for no reason so don't you feel bad taking their money if they're losing money because you're not getting extra money and they make money and literally last time i was there this club owner was like ah you didn't hit your bonuses but here's an extra two thousand dollars so i'm like he actually did exactly that right but the ticket sales picked up and we made money everybody made money so it was great but hell yeah great weekend salt lake city i had luke

monas opening ah he's a funny cat go check him out on instagram he's hilarious he puts up all the videos so fucking funny great hang and we really see eye to eye and all the stuff he's one of us yeah he's about six eight and uh he did the joke off with us in english yes that's where we really hit it off and uh he's great and he pointed out the Ramones very close to his last name just an rna in front of it what his last name is monas m o n e s Ramones r a m o n e s his name is right in the Ramones okay that's not worth saying out loud i guess mon is mon is mon and i would have been better if it was the Ramones yeah it could be like gotta hit your ride to mon as beach okay i will cut this but anyways all right great guy he came out great i don't have a great story but i get this text

friday afternoon you're sitting there you know you try to on the road you try to be like i'll maybe i'll write or i'll read you try to not just look at your phone like an asshole sure so i'm like writing and i get you hear the uh that wait shane gillis well that's exciting nice to hear from shane great comic great guy whatever good you open it up i'm in salt lake city tonight whoa and you do the like what yeah which is also it's plus and minuses because you're like hey a buddy on the road you get to see somebody but also you're like yeah that's those ticket sales probably not helping my god he's doing a theater that's 2,500 people right that can't come to my show and you guys are both new york guys both funny comics so it's a little bit of crossover similar circle we have on our pod

last time there's i'm not saying all 2,500 would have come to my show but there's at least 80 people that are like oh fuck list we'll sell those tickets we gotta go see the shane in nature right and maybe maybe some vice-versa maybe a couple i think it's more like uh though afterwards there's a few people like we didn't know you were in town which hurts because we're all hanging out after and there's a bunch of people like what right you were here and i'm just sitting there like it's a pretty good show though yeah it wasn't bad but so what's the deal does he come there and you go there well he only has one show and i got two so i said hey come on over and hang out he's got shawn gardini you know that guy oh he's a cute son of an onion that kid i love him he looks like nick mullen son yes yes a

little jewier and then uh brian six oh i know sixy yeah six eight so uh they come over so it's one of those fun ones where you do your first show i got a seven o'clock show then a 930 nice and early and then i go on and i know when i get off they'll be there which is fun that's fun which is always you're always a little nervous on stage because you're like oh god are they all back there going like they're in your head and it happens every time yeah you're trying new and then you know you try to really and then you come back and you realize they're not watching you they're just at the bar right they're like we're not going to watch your horseshit so you come back and it's so fun because you come through the curtain it's a fun show and there's shane he goes ah yes yes seeing somebody

in a different town is such a thrill it is you know what it's like it's like hotel sex you fuck your wife in every hole every room every nook and cranny of the apartment and her body and you you know you've been there yes but then you get to a hotel and you're like get over here you dirty skank and it's the same with a comic you see a comic on mcdougal street you go hey what's up man you're doing the seller you see a comic at salt lake we're out and about it's exciting because you're on the road it's very isolating and i don't you know i don't like to be like you don't know what it's like up there but it is it's lonely and you just want to see somebody so it was fun and and he had his grow and luke and i so then we went to the bar which even when i was drinking i never got the bar

we're in the back green room drinking for free at the laying and it's like let's go to the sports bar it's like late night west co there's no sports on no no and you know did you go to punching up or what is that place called there's a place there's a bar on top of yeah uh wise guys and they all the waiters go there and the waitresses and the staff i used to go there every time and it's the whole show is there so you can't hang out because you're going hey photo hey high five hey quiff so i like sitting in the green room all night yeah to me that's how i've always felt like i said even when i was out banging you know so to me you go to the bar and maybe this is the boston in me you go to a bar you're like we're just increasing our chances of being in a fist fight because there's like a group

of guys over there they're like i don't know nothing and then there's a couple guys over there and then sometimes you're at a bar you just look around you catch someone's eye and they're drunk so like what the fuck are you that's how i look at it that might be the 40 year old and you're talking i don't know that's i felt like that in the years ago too but also when i was 20 everybody was fist fighting everybody so i'm just like oh my god what are we doing right and then there was two audience people that were very nice like can we tag along and i'm like i'm going there for eight minutes but sure right and uh but it was a good hang and it was fun and then you know it was 1am and luke and i took off but it was a great great to see him and uh he's so who luke

now i think he's just doesn't drink much okay good good for him that's the ultimate when you don't drink a lot and you're not sober yes because that means you have control of it right yeah i think he's like a guy has a drink here and there he doesn't eat much either you know there's no way when you hang out with someone for a full day really and you're like why are you eating yeah he's a big guy too you think you'd have a big furnace in there i mean i don't want to talk out of school but this guy had about 140 calories on the day i'm like are you sneaking food with i don't know something's up with that guy he does live in la now maybe he's trying to slide in well and then he's like well i don't want to whatever but he's like i think somewhere between us and i'm like

hey don't get me wrong i'm on a 7 000 calorie a day diet here right but uh yeah that is odd it was my wife had that very odd but you know i have seen that but that is a great club it's good vibes over there even the staff is fun there yes i'm very attractive i might add very attractive and uh yes good good for a gill gillroy to hit you up there yeah that was fun and uh it's great hang and and luke and i walked all around and uh just good good time and the tuesdays came out hell yeah especially lunch you have this like friday you're like boy does this club not that great or whatever and then saturday they're just like it was hot so if you came to the friday show i'm sorry that's amazing the difference the crowd makes because uh so i uh i had the opposite

effect is you i said i did the special i never see the lady i'm always outside of new york we're doing a pod then you're on a plane then you're in a boober then you're in uh cleveland said for one weekend of my life i'm staying in new york and doing the cellar all night every night nice esti loaded me up friday five shows saturday five shows and a couple to stand and just running around working out up down there's babiglia there's uh the other guy ray romano there's uh whoever his name is celebrity and it was just killer and it was the weather is great right now it's like 50 degrees at night you can't beat the city and there's a vibe on a friday yes you know the women are in boots and dresses and the the guys are all dolled up little napalm in

their hair they're trying to get laid great time and uh i hit up salicus he goes what are you up to i go i got one more spot at the cellar and then i'm going to the stand he goes i'm a block away i'll come meet you he's always a block away always a block away salicus it's true it's hilarious yeah we should call him one block sally every time i've ever texted him he's like i'm a block away i'm at my house what are you doing here i'm in utah i'm a block away so he goes i'm coming i'm on stage i'm having an okay set but i hear that he's in the crowd wow he's built a full uh cape fear out there he's got his feet up wow so then i get off he's like i like this joe i've never heard that one so that's nice and then we get on city bikes and ride to the stand like 12 year olds yeah that's

someone who's road bikes with salicus that is a nice time i can say from experience nothing better you know we see a hot girl he's in the front he looks back you know then whoa he almost hits a fire hydrant he's all over the road great stuff wind in our hair get to the stand stands wild and we'd be riffing he we raff and then we sit at a diner i ate eight beers he had a he had a slice of pizza and we talked all night and then i went home he's all right that guy good and he really you know he does he appreciates things yes he likes a film and a show and a movie and a bite yeah it's also funny as a 39 year old you know getting older you walk around the city and everybody's falling out of bars the women are dressed to the nines they're all 11 years old

they look great and you're like man i did all that yes and now i'm out of it yeah it's weird i mean that's how i feel about the city it's like i sound like i came out of a cult it's like i've snapped i'm like this is no way to live this is dog shit it is not a way to live it's terrible the noises and the diesel i was talking about Derek the other day and he's like what is happening and i'm like what are you talking about and he's like what is going on and i was like oh oh sorry i'm just walking up lexington avenue like he's listening to the phone call being like what the fuck is happening in your life that's hilarious and i'm like literally like what oh no it's just a diesel engine and a guy in a scooter and a homeless guy raping my wife sure and my sister's asshole's

bleeding on the 15th street yeah it's just nothing right yeah well do you ever have this had the the sunday got a free day i've had that nothing to do i but i was wildly sad you know someday just wake up sad i got i'm sad all the time yeah i just woke up and i couldn't i was like i'll do some push-up i'll let me eat breakfast once i eat bread once i have my coffee i'll be less sad once i walk around the sunlight i'll be less but it i couldn't shake it yes and i'll tell you when you're sad all you want to do is to sit on the couch put panties on and get a box of tissues and bonbons and watch sleeping in seattle but i was like fuck that it's a great great sequel great sequel nor ephron a cosby directed it so then i go fuck this i call the garage i go give me the beamer

bring out old smoky i get that puppy i just say i'm driving i just drive to canarsie wow just for the hell of because i go i want i don't want any traffic there's no traffic out there the canarsie yeah and i just drove to canarsie looked around got the car grinding got the music on and uh and then i did a show at littlefield in park slope oh wow and then i went home brought the car away and i was cured that's a fun feeling i mean i remember doing that years ago uh with the dodge neon not quite a what is it again bmw or mercedes i confused those two cars beamer it's a 2002 beamer i always confuse bmw mercedes both german yeah and volkswagen also german right yes yes and but it's also beamer bends you got a right right she's got the mercedes bends hotel california oh i thought because uh

what's her face janice joplin oh yeah she had that yeah whatever the hell um what was i gonna say but y'all i remember doing that driving down f dr with like some dillon on and a nice day like this is great yeah it's a good feeling a nice cruise but yeah that emptiness it just lingers it just it's like a blanket it just sits on you like you want to die what's weird is when it goes away you're like oh i feel great and then i just wanted to you know hang out all night but then the wife came home she was like i had a horrible night and i was like yeah but when it goes away it's such a great feeling because it it sticks like stink on a monkey it certainly does but it's we're good now yeah it's uh yeah it's rough it's rough baby but uh i'll be back out on the road

this weekend and i'm kind of excited about that's another good thing about taking a road weekend off because now i'm excited to go back out where are you off to but i'm in pekipsi which is great no flight oh pekipsi breaking your feet in pekipsi yeah that's right fanny and then uh that it's east to sun oh that's right that's this weekend yeah sorry to date us i'm going down to virginia to go to uh shannon doha national park shannon doherty yeah wow i'm excited brad doherty what's uh what's in the park he's going to get a cabin and uh tent go to the park nice weekend off go down there see the trees i'm trying to check off some national parks and there's one not that far it's like five and a half hours away hey all right so i'm heading down the atlantic highway looking for

a love getaway and i love it and uh gonna gonna fuck my lady in the trees hell yeah just the trees johnny little monkeys fuck but now i'm looking forward to it i love a nice weekend off relax the whole thing well this is the time to do it fanny with this these birds are chirping the blue skies are blue head right down to where the trees are june i love a springtime by the way i'm looking at my notes here there's just nothing yeah someone switched seats with me i mean i feel like uh i feel like kramer after he sold his stories right right but i did have this and i know everyone gives a shit for all the travel stories but we're traveling guys what do you want from us traveling band um what this this is just annoying but i got to live your life for a minute would

you get a middle seat going to china and i don't know how you do it i really don't i'm like it it it ain't easy it's sloppy horrendous so this one happened so greg warren was in town the great greg warren was a new special out new album new special gw one of the great comics and great guys he's it what was the signal we came up with great com actually good yeah yeah he's fantastic yes do we plug someone earlier and not do that though oh i think we did oh look bonus is amazing luke is actually good does he have a special i don't know everyone's got one now my my aunt has a special i know sylvia it's tough all right didn't someone have a special called not special was that soter oh that's right um anyways what was i talking about oh warren so greg warren comes in

and we're telling stories he's a great hat he's like henry he's like phillips they were just telling stories and laughing we're at the diner and i'm flying to solid city at night early because i don't like a five hour flight followed by two shows exactly friday saturday yes i don't want to fly across the country with two shows so i'm flying out thursday night to be relaxing get out there at night early whatever six p.m flight and i live 15 minutes from the guardia i'm like great i'm gonna leave early i'm gonna go early so i have no stress whatsoever i'm gonna go to the lounge i'm gonna eat a full dinner in the lounge hell yeah i just relax get some work done so in my head i'm like it's also opening day red socks opening day so i finished with greg warren and we

had told a couple stories and he had just come from the guardia and he's like they redid it's amazing it's now the best airport when i lived here it was a dump and i'm like the thing about leguardia is that so we're just talking about leguardia i go back i'm like i can watch three innings of the red socks i got an hour to kill i'll still be three hours early for my flight there we go let's play ball so feet up watching the socks the whole thing and i go all right i'm gonna head over to the airport so i have time to ease my way in have dinner well what times the flight flights at six and what times it now it's like almost four okay and i live 15 minutes from the airport so i go all right and i'm sitting there going i don't know what mark's

doing with his life i don't know how you leave a half hour before the flight i'm living my life i'm getting there two hours early i'm gonna blow the flight attendant all right let me just check the gate and then i go jfk and i'm better than this i know you can't go from leguardia to salt lake city denver's as far as you can go from leguardia yeah you got that right and i norman it was like my feet like i'm shaking i i shit my pants i still i'm still ahead of the curve though but the only thing that saved me was that i was planning on going two hours early so i type in google maps and it's just a blood red line it looks like my wife's tampon string it's just red dark red like uh like the salmon a capistrano whatever i can't think of anything

but it was red red rum and uh i'm like fuck so i get the lift and now instead of just going to that airport that i can see i can i can two drives i could hit up with a golf ball sure four instead i gotta go out there and it is dead stop traffic i board at five twenty and it says 508 arrival and i'm like this is not me and i was planning on having dinner and the other thing and i haven't eaten dinner i had diner lunch but i had a salad because i'm gay yeah i thought it was luke esk and uh luke esk i've always wanted to be a luke luke is good luke i guess though but anyways it was horrible traffic and i was dying and of course i'm like looking up alternative flights and everything and there's no flight the next morning it's all

sold out yada yada i was sweating and losing my shit but you get there you have the delta clear and the and the whatever you call it precheck precheck clear you scoot through but it was a literal jog to the airport and they were already boarding like i made it plenty of time but you know i'm dying and i like to get on first sure and uh and you wanted your meal i didn't get a meal and i i had to jog to get there like the line was like long so all good but that feeling man i was like pretty i wanted to kill myself i haven't that's the closest i've come to missing a flight in 10 years you kind of uh you feel like you take a week off your life with that stress because it's so consuming well especially because it's there's nothing more angering than like i was just sitting

at home it wasn't like i was doing a podcast or a shoot went long or i was having sex i was literally like this exactly literally doing nothing right and instead of being you had that in my head i was like i want to be two hours early instead i got there seven minutes early uh well you gotta be this when you gotta go thank god i looked yes you know if i hadn't looked i wouldn't have made it okay so it sucks i missed the meal and that's a long flight too it was a long flight i was starving and um but yeah if i hadn't been planning to leave early i would have totally missed the flight well that's the other thing and this this is a thing it's like one of those first world white man privilege anal bullshit you can't complain about but i had a similar thing where i'm like oh

LaGuardia is so nice everybody loves LaGuardia now it's it's rejiggered it's all changed but i got there like i don't know a month ago and i was like i'll get there early i'll have a meal and i go i wrote i'm at terminal b in LaGuardia and i go hey where's the lounge and she goes oh it's uh under construction it's new everything's new and i was like ah no lounge but you can't go there's no lounge open i'm upset you know because everybody gonna fuck you you quiff i know but i was planning on it what were you flying united yeah yeah terminal b b for boners in the s yeah bitch tits yeah i got uh i got i got no lounge and then you're like all right i guess i'll go to sporo with the fucking plebes i got fucking no dukes yeah so it stinks when there's no

lounge because you bank on it and then silicon valley bank it's it's gone we gotta be way over right you're about two minute you're an hour two minutes oh okay all right all right i got fucking no dukes by the way precheck is our freemason we're in that's right we're gonna get a precheck ring yeah it's pretty fun well you know what they give you a card with your delta status on it tell the hang on your bag but i don't put mine on because i don't want people to i don't want the you know i don't want people to think i'm a big shot because i had the diamond oh yeah i'm just gonna walk around with diamond on my bag yeah what are you doing yeah i'm gonna be throwing dog shit at my face again

but uh all right well we should wrap it up you got any dates there fatty i do yeah i took photos of them and i brought my calendar oh the charger stopped working well it's big enough going on Virginia these parks i'm excited i'm going to bozeman whoa yeah i've never been to montan so i told my agent i said hey uh before this big tour comes up give me some weird day because they don't want to they don't want to put you in a city because then you'll blow your wad and now you can't do a theater there right i'm gonna sneeze that was a that was a goofy yeah uh so go on a bozeman that was a that was a goofy yeah uh so going to bozeman going to great falls growing a dating going to oxenard going to some weird town poughkeepsie so uh say hello call it quits i'm gay new

material go easy on me and uh see how the sausage is not funny um all right i took photos of my thing here side splitters may 4th through the 6th what day is it i don't even know April April 18th oh wow uh side splitters may 4th through the 6th get those tickets i love that club more than anything in the world tempi arizona tempi improv may 11th through the 13th and then june spoke can june 1st and 3rd isn't this the best feeling when someone wrote to me the other day they were like this hey come to spoke hand what who do i gotta blow to get you to come to spoke hand yes and then you just write back june 1st through the 3rd and they're like what it worked i should have been like me you gotta blow me you fucking douche uh so spoke hand june

1st through the 3rd i can't imagine there's a ton of people out there but whatever come on out and then columbus june 16th through 17th that's a make update that they canceled not me uh and uh so come to that and um yeah subscribe to the youtube the special will be out someday i don't know special needs and the patreon is cooking we got the best patreon the god damn central america it was me what was that noise me okay oh let's get the hell out of me we got a hell of a patreon best one in the country check it out give it a gook chuck what do you got there fatty if you want to listen to my podcast fun bearable we just had kasey joest on yeah he's now he's the uh he's the director of impractical jokers used to be like the main writer but now he's he did that

and he uh he just wrote a new ninja turtles movie with colin joe he and colin are the writers that out there uh they reported on it a while back okay but it's not he's never talked about it in public and we go through the whole thing about he how he wrote it it's the next live action one so seth rogan made the one coming out in august and then the next live action one is by colin joest and kasey joest and they're working on that right now that one bombed so this might be the redemption well no that's coming out in august oh got it got it so okay that's all right rogan yeah i don't know if they have like a feud the joest and the rogan yeah i don't juice but yeah kasey's awesome he's super funny and uh yeah check it out funbearablepod.com another one of those statin island comedies it's

sal joce peat yeah pepidone jf harris harris yeah the jokers are all statin islandy yeah you know how about that kasey joest is the one who lives there for the next generation is that's right yes joest is the one who told me to move to statin island when i moved here big how do you like it i i love how comfortable it is i could have 20 people come over i have a huge apartment and a two you know it's awesome like brad and rey from my podcast came up and stayed all weekend um is that varizano raping you uh you get a you know you get like a specific easy pass plan okay um but uh but the thing is it's not really like a social life for me it's all families around me that's what sucks about it right it's like i date people from like other you know boroughs other

other states you know what i mean it's crazy give me the horny uh housewife out there maybe i know yeah thinking about it all right well you're a fairy all right check it out tuesday we love you you