Tuesdays with Stories! - #501 Latin Ex

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

Joe rushes in from doing Kerryn Feehan's pod! Mark comes from a  crazy Sheath underwear shoot where he tangled with a classic New York kook! Joe is HOT off his headlining gig at the Wilbur in Boston and we're gettin' nuts, people! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Get 20% off when you go to https://www.liquidiv.com promo code TUESDAYS - Support the show by going tohttps://displate.com/tuesdayswithstories?art=624740987334c to getup to 34% off. - Support the show & visit https://www.auraframes.com & use code TUESDAYS

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be chasing P.O. is spitting at me And I can't choose why

Alright! Over to that 60 minutes, wouldn't that be fun? So, just to really fuck people all up It would be fun to watch the analytics and see how far, how long it takes people to fall off Well, I think it's one of those things they would keep listening to see, maybe they stop at some point Yes, true, you know what's funny is you ever watch a comedy clip on Instagram and you go, boy this is bad Then you go, let me watch it again Because I must have missed something and I think that's why it gets 12 million views

That's a good point I have a point Ronan had this theory about a lot of people of a certain Ilk? Ilk will post a clip and then every comment is like, this Ilk is not funny Yes, yes And then other people write, how could you dare say this Ilk isn't funny? And they say, well this Ilk isn't funny because your Ilk isn't funny

And what if your Ilk was funny? And then it's the Ilk's Lodge And it blows up because it's an okay clip But then everyone farts all over it The hate, the hate builds up a little algo love It's kind of like the old time Mike Racine tried to get an alpha, what's it called? A viral clip by saying he'd labeled it worst comedian ever And then what happened is every comment was like, I mean he's bad, but he's not the worst ever

That's pretty good It's pretty funny Now you're getting complimented basically But you know what's funny, if you did the Tonight Show tomorrow and you ripped it open, standing low, high five Jimmy Fallon puts you on his shoulders and he eats you out, you know, he's got the reverse where your dick is in his face I love that Big move, you'd get a couple of views But if you went out there and shit yourself, said the N-word and blue quest love

You'd get a million views Now that's a small group of people Use the N-word, blow quest love That's only like three or four people in the world that can do that And luckily I'm one of them I think a lot of black women I guess so Yeah

But yeah But no On the Tonight Show, but yeah, no, you're right It's the negativity bias Yeah, that's right Isn't that something, Len bias? Aha, biosphere, one I remember seeing biosphere in the theaters

That's the Polly Shore That's Biodome Biodome Right, right, right, right, right We saw Biodome in the theater And there was like a special needs usher in the back Oh, I hate a special needs usher She was losing it

And we became more into that Than this And she kept audibly saying, I love this movie And it made me think she'd watched it eight or nine times Of course And looking back, it's like the sweetest thing ever To us, it was a score Because we were like, sweet, we got a retarded lady laughing

That's funny That's gold But now Looking back, you're like, that's a door That's very sweet Because she knows she's an usher It must have been the downtime She's like, hey, I'm sneaking into Biodome

For the eleventh time Exactly, good An SNU She was howling Oh, man, good for her Well, it's kind of like, you never see a new comedy club waitress You can tell she's new She's getting trained

And she's like, she's loving the show Or these other grizzled coups They got a mole and a C-section scar And they've seen that Pauly Shore in there for ten decades in a row And then they got the new gal And she's like, ooh, I get to watch Joe List Yeah, I can't imagine Liz, the seller, like

Doubled over laughing Being like, oh, I got this guy's a riot No, if you kill, she's like, all right It's like neutral And if you bomb, she'll ruin your life Yeah, she'll put you in the head luck But who's the other guy in Biodome? Who's the partner?

Stephen Baldwin Is that right? You got that right, Faddy No kidding Yeah, it's not It's not You got that right, Faddy No kidding

Yeah, now he's a, I believe a hardcore Scientol Some kind of religious wacko Yeah, could have prayed for his brother That's exciting Why, a lot of Baldwin's Billy, Stephen, Alec There's a piano, Baldwin No, James Baldwin's the black gay

Oh, right, right Baldwin, Baldwin's Ah, heroin Hair loss All right That's not bad I'm riding high right now You want to know what's going on?

Talk to me, Nazi Nothing crazy, but I had Karen Fian We love Karen We talked about her offstage About how attracted to her we are Only Fians That's the podcast Yeah, so, you know, she's been saying

Hey, I need a star I need one of the best guys ever to do the podcast And I said, hey, I'm your man Oh, okay, I thought you got Stavros She's like, I want the number one The biggest comic going The biggest dick And I said, hey, happy to do it

And she said, okay I was hoping you could give me Norman's number So I went down there to do it And I said, well, the thing is I got the big Tuesdays with stories That's the best pod in the game Absolutely, no question about it She's done it, the live app

Check it out, Patreon Yes, we got to get her in one of the Gramercy ones And the reason I say that is I just told her we would Ah, we can't have a woman Well, we got like six booked, by the way That's true We just booked Philadelphia

You heard it here first Oh, you got that right August 22nd? Yes, yes, it's a Tuesday It's a Tuesday, I believe the 22nd Or the 29th I think it's the 22nd But it's the city of brotherly love

Philadelphia Philly Fishtown 22nd I don't know when the tickets go on sale But it's Philadelphia Maybe they'll go on soon In a week or two, May, something

We haven't been in a live Tuesdays In Philly in five years It's been a long time We did one in Helium, I think That's right Now we're moving on up 22, older than DiCaprio's lady So we'll be at the theater

August 22nd, buy those up You know it's going to sell out That's a big market for the boys Oh, yeah, the gays are a flocking Out there in Philly It's a big market and a big joet Hey, I like it But I said, hey, I got the hot Tuesdays

With stories, that's at 3.30 And she goes, well, do you want to That was good, don't chuck it Okay, okay, I had to get that in there She goes, you want to do it before or after And I said, well, after We got to do a bonus and the thing And then the Bruins are in the playoffs

Plus I like to get my steam, you know me The playoffs So I said, we better do it early And so she said, how about two And I said, well, we're doing 3.30, two And she goes, we're efficient We'll have you out in 45 minutes I'll believe it when I see it

That's how I felt But I said, you know what You're saying it, two How about this, I'll just fucking leave I like that a hard out So, you know me, the Stamo G But I've been low key I take a car and I get there early

I'm psychotic about being early So I get there early I said, I'm going to have a burrito This is Chipotle downstairs at her building Oh, that's a fancy-ass neighborhood Williamsburg? No, no, I can't say the neighborhood Because she's got a lot of men

After her feet and whatnot That's right, is she on the island? She is on the island Okay, okay, Staten Island, got it But she does have nice feet I saw her today They smelled real bad It was a topic of conversation

Oh, really? She got a couple of stinky hoofs? I don't think always But she had worked out Took a sock off And I almost went out the window Uh, you a tow sucker? I'm not a tow...

I'm not opposed to a tow suck No, thank you But not a workout tow These guys that like, sweat Shit Yeah Now Well, that's weird

Because the only fans, ballpark, whatever that is There's a lot of like Oh, I want the used panties Those sell for doubled And the fresh pant Yeah, panty It depends on how used it is Like if it's a half hour

But I don't know What time of day does the cake mix start? The Krispy Kreme I don't know It's a glazed donut down there But you know, it also depends Is it Rosie O'Donnell's panties Or is it Natalie Portman's

Right, exactly It's a big diff in, uh... Vag bugs Yeah, so it depends Yeah, I don't know I want a scent of a woman Sure But I don't want...

Ooh, ah! You know what I mean You don't want to be blinded No By the stench Boy, that movie stinks But, um... It's a little over the top

It's very over the top But, uh... He drives a Ferrari and doesn't crash it Yes, and he's like spinning He's ripping around Yeah And then it's very, very silly Blinded in the furious

What? Kris O'Donnell, he alive? Oh, he does TV, right? Does he? Oh, I think he's on a CSI or MSG or CBS H-P-V

M-I-A C-I-A Oh, there's so many C-I-A Oh, yeah NASA Yeah, some of you say Some of you say the letter

Yeah, that's an interesting thing There's NASA Then there's U-S-A But then somebody will say U-S-O-V-A The old U-S-O-V-A They think they say that Yeah

But then sometimes they use the of Because when they need the O I'm trying to think Oh, yes Now I can't think of one Yeah, it's rare I'm sure it's in there There's BLM

And if you're dyslexic You'd think that was MLB Oh, right You know, you got to see a guy With a baseball bat And it's a BLM You're like, oh Maybe he's going to the game

Interestingly, MLB There's not as many Bees left Yeah But I tried this joke 20 years ago There are bees They're just not the bees

We're talking about There's like Dominicans But they're a bee Right? That's not a black But they are black I guess they are black I tried this as a joke

Because I'm like Dominican is not a color There's no Dominican crayon True I remember saying this Colin Quinn like 20 I was like five years in I was like, do you want that bit?

I was like, it doesn't really fit In my act I've tried it But you do stuff That might fit into something Looking back, he's like What? That's pretty bold

Yeah, it was quite bold I was like, you probably want This piece of material Imagine a five-year comic Coming up to you You've only met him twice And he's like, why don't you take This piece of material

Hey, legend Hey, big guy who's huge on TV Take this bit I got an idea You work with it But I tried it a few times And people were like Ah, I don't get it

I like it Because I'm like They are black They're a bee But they're also a D But they're a bee from D R But I think the point is

We stopped saying African-American We started saying blacks There's no black people But I'm like What does that mean, black people? If you say African-American Yes, Pedro Martinez

Is not African-American He's Dominican-American Yes And then there's Haitian Which is also black Right And then there's Idris Elba Who's black but from England

Yes So he's an English-American No, African-English Yeah English-African And then I think there's a lot Of black people That have nothing to do

With Africa at all No, no You got that right They're like I'm just French, Canadian And black Yeah Very tricky

It is tricky And then there's South African Which is a lot of whitey That's my wife Yeah, so she's African-American You'd think white is just white But there's white people From all over

Right So it would actually Make more sense to go Oh, you're Scandinavian-American Right Good point Then it would be to do With black people

Because black is just black Yeah Wait a minute Yeah, I don't know There's an Italian-American There's a Oh, yeah We do say that

But then there's German-American There's English-American There's Irish-American But you only say that now If you have the accent You got to be from there Like, you don't keep saying it No one's like

Oh, Joe List The old Irish-Scottish-American Comedian Yeah, but we deal with black Because they came from Africa It is strange You know what it was We just said black for so long

And I think we had to change it Just so we didn't get yelled at Then we brought it back to black Because African-American is out again I think it's kind of out Well, you see a lot of black guys Like Morgan Friedman's like Ah, enough with this shit

I'm black Right Which is very confusing Because you want to go Hey, black folk You guys figure it out And then let us know Shoot us an email

But even that doesn't work Well, that was the shooting Because there's Latinx That all these people are calling Latinx But all Latinos are like I don't want to be called Latinx I know, I hate it What are you?

X-Men? Latinx men? It sounds like a superhero Latinx It sounds like a fabric to me Spandex Oh, yeah Micro-spandex

Latinx Yeah Or it just sounds like, you know My wife My ex-wife Ah, she was a Latinx X marks the spot That was

All right But any jizz I went down there I got to Chipotle So the park is at 2 p.m. I got to be out at 2.45 To get here for 3.30 That feels risky

And this is way down I don't want to give too many clues We'll bleep it But it's way down town I see And so Downtown You can go where the feet are exposed

And they are stinky Karen So I go down there All the way down I take a lift And I go, I'm getting there early Because I want to eat at Chipotle Right outside of a building

You know, that's what Chipotle No, they're wrong with that I'm going to shove a burrito right in my ass I leave nine hours early I get there at 123 p. That is early The podcast is at 2 So I go, here we go

Plenty of time for burrito Starbucks right across the street I'll do the burrito Do the bucks Do the pod I'm off Not bad I get inside of Chipotle

123 p.m. I sit down with my burrito 138 p.m. All that time went by 15 minutes It was one of these ones They're having a good time Behind the counter

You know these guys It's a good time counter whore He's got the paper bag And he's opening it And he's doing like a Like a whip open Like a magic trick And then he's like swinging it

At all the other employees And he's doing like a This thing Oh, that was pretty good Yeah, I practice a lot But he's like doing it with the bag And he's got a spoon He's like flipping that around

And the line is literally out the door What? And then there's one other girl She's a different kind He at least is fun and entertaining And having a good time And bracing his occupation Sure

She's this lady Oh, the no urgency The slow scoop I forget a lot of people Are just listening to the audio But one scoop at a time Real slow And then she'll leave the post

She's like Did you see the last episode Of the boogeyman? Okay, well great What'd you say, Rice? Oh, what? And then she's talking While you're ordering

I hate it, I hate it You're like give me some queso please And she goes Yeah, I borrowed five bucks From Susan the other day What'd you say queso? And you're like Motherfucker

Get with it Doing it for everybody So then I had to shove the burrito Right up my ass There's nothing worse Than eating as fast as possible Hate the force feed And I hate the going from

Early to late Yes Furiating It goes quick too It can switch on a dime So I didn't get to get my tea But I ran upstairs Beautiful apartment

Great podcast Check it out And they want you next I'm down I'm down But tell her to keep her Fucking socks on Because I don't want to get

A whiff of that toenail Well, it's just exciting Going into a woman's room Isn't that fun? It is fun You get to see Oh, is that a brazier over there What is that a tampon

Oh, it's used You wanted to say Just show me two pairs of shoes A pair of underwear And a sex toy Let me just look at them Yeah, it's fine Then you look at the bed

And you go Ah, she's been railed there Yeah That's fun Pretty good Good times So anyways Then I left there

And I was like I'll just get a car Just to take the thing And then I look out the window Not the window I walk a distance Let's say And I see the

Old World Trade Center Over there Crown zero And I go Wow What a behemoth What a beauty I sit there

Voila Throw a couple quarters in there Whatever you do Sure You know Pour one out for my homies A little offensive to the Jews And then I go

What am I doing? A car It's traffic The four five trains Right there That's the move Jump on the four five train Four train

Whatever the fuck Grand Central Four Chan Three stops Three stops I'm here Express You go Brooklyn Bridge

You go Union Square Grand Central Here I am I shoot upstairs I got my T 27P And we're rockin' and rollin' Nothing better than

Making it all work Cause this town As we all know Well fuck you Right in the pooper You miss the car You miss one train You miss a step

The hobo pisses in your eye It's hell But you got it When you nail it You got to appreciate it And it's a nice feeling too No kooks Cause the train is just

You got one and three You're getting a kook Oh yeah One and three trains A lady with big pink hair The other day Punching the window Screaming fuck your mother

The whole thing I had a kook incident today And it really spiced me up Oh tell me about it sister So we're doing a shoot today For sheath underwear They said hey go out To do a shoot

So I'm in my underwear Times Square It's hell Oh boy But you do it quick You get the shot And you just got to put it out of your mind You got to go to a happy place

Like when your uncle's touching you And you just got to Got to step out And people are like Walk by going comedy Tuesday it's all pipes I'm like yeah I'm in underwear

It's very vulnerable Yeah I don't like the sound of this It's hell But it's a beautiful day And whatever I just try to tell myself I'm part of the mayhem There's Elmo over there

There's Snow White shooting up And there's you know Pikachu eating me out So I do the bullshit And then we go to We get a basketball And we go to West 4th Street courts Oh

Trying to get some Iconic New York location Sure So we go to West 4th Street And you know there's the The tube man What do you call that Full court

And there's a little Nub of a single court Yes Half court Half court Thank you So the full courts Used up by a bunch of

Young fun Dominicans Maybe black A lot of them jeans by the way Love the jeans Couple of sweaters out there Yeah One hobo too Which is funny

This is the only city Where they needed an extra So they're like hey Here's a nickel Will you come in here Reggie So this guy's got like A fake leg And he's pushing a wheelchair

But he's laying up So I go hey let's Let's pop into this single court Real quick And we'll knock out this Shot It'll be easy We'll do a couple of dunks

And you know I'll do a 360 And hang on the bar Sure So then a guy A homeless guy Comes out of the woodwork Like Oscar the Grouch He comes out of a can

He's got a banana peel on his head And he goes Hey hey this is my court And I go Dude we're just gonna shoot I'm in my underwear Like dude we're gonna shoot A couple rounds

Get some shots of it With the camera And we're out of here Give me the ball It's my court And I gave a guy a ball When I was seven years old And he took it from me

And I'll never do it again And I said You're not getting this ball He's like give me the ball I got the ball right here I'm like I'm not giving you the ball And he goes You wanna play on this court

You gotta give me that ball I go it's not your court Now I'm fighting with a kook I love the idea by the way Of this guy going Oh okay a couple shots I'll just be over here I know I know

I just thought I could reason with him Walk my hook hand over here And I'll watch you shoot Then I'll take over Yeah So I'm just like This guy looked like

Hell he's filthy He's covered in shit And Salakius had a good line And he goes Cause it got pretty heated And he goes If you fight a guy with shit You both lose

Like even if you win the fight You lose And I was like alright Alright so now we leave And I'm like you happy now No one gets to play on the court Cause it's your court And he's like yeah

You got that right And I'm like Gah But you're in your underwear I'm in panties It's very uncomfortable Yeah so no basketball No basketball shot

Now with Salakius shooting this Cause that could be fun Well he had a still That's what I mean No I guess he didn't Cause some stills of you Arguing with a homeless guy What the hell Fanny Matt

You missed it Sally Yeah that could have been Some good shot I just picture you with your hand On the guy's head And he's trying to Scrape ya Oh I didn't want to touch that

Bird nest But I think Salakius was kind of like There's something gonna happen here So he didn't He wasn't shooting I'd love to see Salakius in a Scrape Cause he talks a gay

But I just I've talked about this before I feel like I could just Kick that guy off the Into the river Oh easily But the knife would come out Right the knife

And the spray He's got all kinds of sprays He's like Batman He's got a utility bell He's got a batarang And a slingshot But the thing about Salakius Is he's about four foot one

But he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt He's got jeans He looks like Super Mario Out there you know And so there's something Diffusing Well not diffusing But there's something like

Misconception Where you're like something's up With this guy Mistifying Alarming Alerting Something where you don't know Disconcerting

Disconcerting What the fuck does that mean Disconcerting I use it quite a bit Give it a go I have no idea I think disconcerting Means like concerning

I don't know why but Oh I think it means that Cause like I mean like Logically it would mean Causing one to feel unsettled Yes He's disconcerting

He's a Hawaiian shirt He's bald You can't tell if he's 71 or 49 You know He's a little off put Yeah And he's always kind of got

One eye half cocked Exactly He's got a canvas bag with him Who knows what's in there So He's a fun guy I love him You go

I saw this movie Tell me about it He hits you with Tell me about it There's something like that It's very fun He's a fun egg And he had my back

If anything went down With a hobo Joe But luckily we just left We didn't get the shot But it just The guy goes to my court So we have to leave That's it

And they all did the It's not worth it man It's not worth it We had four guys We're gonna tune them up But he was covered in feces Well night court Whatever

Food court Well anyway So where you been You were out and about somewhere California I think we'd spoke And you were out in California

California La La Land Tinseltown Holly Weird Mmm Don't care for that one Somebody was real proud Of that one in 1981

Yeah It's not great Boston Weird Portland Holly Weird I think Portland's keep it weird too Yeah Which is like

Oh you're so weird That you have the same exact slogan As another town Yeah it's not that weird To just be like If you're going for it Yeah I'm dyeing my hair

I gotta keep it weird The bumper sticker said so Not weird It's kinda like tattoos now Back in the day tattoos Like whoa we got a tattoo But now everyone Now it's cool if you don't have one

Yeah We're cool With the other way It's kinda like what Carlin's bit about like He's like the earring It's over Yeah

He's like Now the squares are wearing them Whatever Well he had the bit about It used to be You know you got a tattoo So you're one of the cool guys With a tattoo

Now you got a tattoo So you're not one of the Losers without a tattoo Uh huh Similar And then it's yeah It just kept going with the Tats

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So go out to L.A. Lala Go out there on Wednesday I got a Thursday, Friday, Saturday gig In Oxnard, California Not bragging It's a suburb About an hour and change outside of the city And so I fly into L.A.

On Wednesday Land in the morning I'm all wonky Rental car Two-hour wait to get a rental And I go, what the hell's going on? It's budget Here's another one

You know when you get to the LAX You get out of the fucking airport Finally And it says rental car bus So I'm going budget And it goes Hertz Avis Sixth

Or whatever the hell that one is Yeah, I've had that And I'm just like, where's the budget? Where's the budget? Enterprise So eventually I wait like 20 minutes And I go up to the Hertz guy And I go, hey man

This is brutal Where's the budget? He goes, it's coming It's coming Wait another 10 minutes Then I go up to the Enterprise bus And I go, are you going towards budget? Because I'll just get out

And he goes, all right, get in So now I have to finagle With another bus to get to the other one It's horrible LAX is a fucking nightmare And my hats are off Every hat I've ever had Has been taken off

For these comics That are working on the road from LA You're behind the clock It's a shit airport And my father's gay You got that right And he gives a good head But so I finally get off the Enterprise bus

I gotta shimmy my fat ass over the budget And I think, hey well If I had to finagle a bus ride There's probably gonna be no one here Because I made it here finagling So I get there Lying around the block And I go, what is going on?

And I notice a lot of white guys with dreadlocks A lot of large backpacks A lot of flip flops A lot of shorts Coachella Nailed it Yeah There it is

Put me in Coachella I'm ready to gay So I'm waiting Waiting everybody's getting their fucking mystery machine Or whatever the hell they're getting The drug mobiles and whatnot So finally I get up to the counter Finally when you get to that counter

It's the best day of your life I know but isn't that nerve wracking There's nothing more nerve wracking to me I have PTSD from not having a credit card Oh dude I know I've had so many car things Where you're just like So I don't

What do I do? And then that moment where they're like You can't get a car And you stand there like two extra beats Yes And then they're like You have to leave Right

And you waited It makes me sick to my stomach That feeling That's why you get those Karens Those Karens are like I need a car now You know you get that in you But we're not Karens

So we don't have that But I get it I heard a story about Brian Regan Who's one of the great comment Hall of Famer First ballad Hall of Famer Killer And everyone talks

I think Burr pointed out Or maybe someone pointed out like He seems like a fun, silly guy But like all of these bits Come from a place of rage Yes And I have a friend That opened for him

And he said Regan walked into a packed Rental car place one time And just yelled from the door I am unhappy Oh wow Like the whole fucking thing turned So

He got a glimpse into the The origin of those bit Because the bit will be like You ever rent a car Right And it's fucking Yeah But in the moment

He's like I'm unhappy Wow So the rental cars Will fuck up a person Oh they really will That triggers me too Because my dad is like that

He does the I'm unhappy Or my son is hungry At the restaurant When the food takes off I'm like We're good We're good Don't pay any attention to us

He stands up He throws the napkin down Oh it's brutal So Get to the rental car Get up to the counter Nice Asian lady And I already got the

You know I pulled the credit card And I'm like And I'm like Let's get this moving Because I'm going to do Yo Fucking tits

Every show That's the shit out of my ass That's the fall once Boy that's an animated GIF Or whatever they call it We gotta get a camera Just on that

There's a calendar But the walls are very Uneven So it falls I'm just letting the audience Know what it is Yeah Calendar fell

And it's the walls fault It's another brick in the wall Wall mark Yeah The walls are real wacky Here It's impossible to Hang something

There you go Well that's a That's a shellbow job Right there Hang ten Alright We gotta get Shelby To hang this calendar

But Either way Get the rental car Get up to the Asian lady She goes Hello For 15 more dollars You can get a Tesla

Oh I said Wow Yeah Sayonara I say So I go Let's do it

So she goes Alright Where are we quicker Than everyone else I look around I'm done I just said this On stage at

All weekend And it bombed every time But the same thing I'm like Every time I'm up It takes me three seconds I don't get it I don't get it either

Same with the bag Coming down Two seconds I was at a Starbucks And the lady was leaning On the counter Like this She's like

Picking stuff up I'm like What the fuck Is going on here Come on Eileen So I get The Tesla I show you how to use it

Have you ever driven one I go I've never driven one But I'll figure it out Big mistake So I go Alright She hands me the key

The key is just a square It looks like a big credit card This is the future So I go What the hell is this So first of all It takes me about 11 hours To get in the fucking thing

I'm like swiping I'm rubbing the square On the hood In the roof I don't know how to open the car Turns out You gotta put a thumb in And then hook it

And tweak it And twerk it And you get the door open Okay And now you're in the car There's a big old screen There's wood paneling The leather white seats

I mean it's sexy I gotta tell you I rode in one I didn't know how to do that I couldn't figure out How to get in or sit Right Right

So I'm in there And now people are like Waiting for me To get out of a slot You know And I'm like I got the car And I'm putting it on the windshield

I don't know what to do Because there's no ignition And I have a 73 Shit box You know So I'm used to just Ramping that thing Or you gotta kick it

And throw This car You gotta like Find the clit I'm looking all over So I'm like Rubbing stuff Finally

The TV comes on The screen And it goes It tells you Where to put the credit card Oh You have to put it on the console Oh, okay

So that Is a Bluetooth situation The car starts right up Hello Welcome to Tesla I'm Elon Musk I'm South African So

Finally I get that thing Going I find the gear shift This all takes forever Now Tell me what you're at with this Every rental car I go

I wanna listen to my podcast But I wanna listen to it Through the speakers Yes So I go Let me put the Bluetooth in Searching Pairing

Yes Never once is it caught It's always Phillips iPhone Yes I hope Phillip dies I hate Phillip I can't get rid of Phillip I can't get rid of Betty Sue

I have the same problem And then I'll try to plug it in But the thing keeps like Coming unplugged Or it plugs And unplugged And plays the wrong song It's a nightmare

It's a nightmare What you're experiencing I've had Without the Tesla I wouldn't be able to take it Cause every Chevy Cavalier Or Honda Fit I've ever gotten in

It takes me three days To get out of there Yes The mirrors different The windshield on the other side And the blinkers up my ass And the radios on Yeah

Yeah So But here's the clinker I click in right away Paired iPhone synced It worked So I was like

What's on us up This musk has figured it out Yeah Musk got lost Yeah So you couldn't figure out Twitter But whatever

I get out of there I go straight to the Adam Corolla Show We have a blast I do that one Plug the show Plug the gaze Then I go right to

Hotel Ziggy Now Hotel Ziggy Is right across from the Comedy Store Oh, that's where I think Bob Kelly stayed Or no, I stayed there And Ari stayed there

He's got a pool Fun pool Right on sunset Ziggy Is it kind of rock and roll Yes Yes It's directly across the street

Directly across Albums and records Yeah Coffee shop bar That's it And there's a show in there That's right Yeah

Yeah Yeah I stayed there So I go up I take a little cat nap I jerk it Just right on the drapes And then I shower

Go back down There's a don't tell Show In that place In that lobby Oh Because the show I was at The show that was there

Oh, really? Well, I'm saying that Because they didn't They didn't know who I was They probably suck Well, I walked down And this guy, Chris Turner Was like, hey, what are you doing here?

I'm like, I'm staying upstairs He's like, you booked a hotel For the show? And I'm like, I'm not even on the show I didn't know this was happening Don't try to act like I came here for this show But whatever

So he goes, there's a show In there And I go, I'd love to do it I got to do the Comedy Store Real quick And then I'll come back And then I got the improv So I had the funnest night

Beautiful So I do the Comedy Store The Sklar Brothers Have a killer show in the belly room I love those guys Great guys Funny guys It's Laura Peake

And Dan Van Kirk And all these fun cats Jeremiah And we all hang out We do the show Great show You do your bits And then they come up

And give you a bunch of tags Oh, that's fun And it's fun You get the tags Yeah And the tags from Funny Guys So it really worked out But it's fun doing the store

When you don't live here Because everybody's like Hey, Faheem What's up, man? Hey, Theo What's up, man? You know, you get that fun I'm back

Yes You get the hellos I love LA I'll be there June 7th The improv Oh, the gays come out And droves

I know, last year I did two shows The improv There was the best night Of my whole year It was the best I shot a special It went better

At the improv With all the gays I love that improv, by the way That's the best The store is legendary But the improv And Rita is so nice Love Rita

Good egg The green row It's perfect It's perfect And it's just one of these Fun LA nights Where you kind of just Flourish for a night

And then you get out I absolutely love being in LA Yeah, yeah The weather's perfect Do the belly room All the gays I get on They're gonna pop

All piped All piped That's lunch You know, the whole thing Get out of there High five, everybody Jump in a car Go to the improv

Improv is sold out They are just waiting for us And I go in I bang it out 20 minutes And it goes I get a text from Chris Milhouse He's like

You're at the store In the main room But don't worry Leslie Jones is on You've got time Yeah So I have about nine cocktails I take a shit

I kick my feet up I get laid I do my nails Do my taxes Go to the store Hang out in that green room Leslie Jones is wrapping up Faheem goes on

Murders So funny Yeah, he's the best Laura Peake goes on She kills it And then I went on And I got to close it out And just being in that main room

You feel like prior I've never has performed In the main room That's the only room I haven't done I love that club And for the folks at home These three rooms are within Like six minutes of each other

Yes, yes It's crazy how close The improv and store are And the laugh factor It's all just It's all pipes So great time And then I just

Kick back I'm like Hey, I got four sets in an LA Most people don't get that In a month here Kick the feet up Got drunk with a couple Of comics in the back

Got passed at the store Really? You got the name? I got the name What? You don't get to write it That's a thrill That's a thrill

Well, I think it's all the same Hand writing It is That's better Out in Long Beach Who comes in every two years And does it So when do they do it?

July Do you fly out? Is it like your hands In the cement thing? No, I don't think so I think they write it They send you a snapshot And you like it

The names of the store Reminds me Make me think of like A cemetery At least at some point Oh, yeah You know what I mean? It's eventually like

There's a finite amount Of wall Yes And then comedy Keeps going forever Yeah Same with casting What do you call it?

Graveyards Yeah Eventually you'll be like We are out of space That's true I think more people get cremated You gotta go cream Yeah

I love cream That's exciting That is an accomplishment Very exciting And it just feels good Because you know It's the sister club I feel like this is the seller

And then the store in LA Yeah And to have your name It stays there forever They don't take them off That's their policy Is that right? I remember hearing that once

I think Cosby's still up Is it? I believe it is Yeah, I think they leave them up there And that's that And what a thrill Very thrilling To find your name

And you know, Emily She runs the joint She took me off into a dark area And I was like, uh-oh She's like, hey I want to tell you We're gonna pass you And I was like

You feel like a kid again You feel like that old Like I got in That's so exciting It's not easy Because I remember I remember being there When Adam was there

And I was running My late night set At Amigot At Amigot Who now books Rogan, I think That's right, Rogan's club And I was running my Whatever, Tonight Show

Whatever the fuck it was Conan or I can't even remember Isn't that a fun feeling? Corden Corden Isn't that fun? We reached the point

Where you're like this Which late night did I do? I know, they're all going away Too, which is also weird It's very exciting But I remember him being like Hey, listen dude He's like, I know

I can't pass you No one's getting passed And I was like Oh yeah, I don't care Which is a nice feeling It is nice I'm just trying to do My five-minute set

I want to get out of here I'm terrified of everybody here I don't live here But I remember it like It's so exclusive That was like the introduction It's like don't even try We're not looking for anybody

I don't What's the hub up? You don't live there They could have passed you You're not going to be there For another year and a half anyway Well, I think they want it To be exclusive

Because some clubs are Very exclusive And then they kind of Open up the floodgates Not as exciting Yeah, there's a couple here doing that Well, I didn't say nothing About anything

Yeah, Chuck got passed At the cellar last week But thank you So, uh, ooh Smells like Feehands feet Feehands Feehands It's a disease

Feehands So, we get out of there And I wake up the next morning In the hotel ziggy Whistling I tail it out to Oxnard And the Tesla Ooh

Now fun little caveat I forgot to mention What's a caveat? I think that's a raw fish Ah, okay I think I had that last night Still not sitting right But uh

Feehands So I go I got a Fiat But I go up in the Tesla And the lady, the Asian lady Goes, all you got to do You don't have to foot gas in it It's a Tesla

But you got to return it With 70% battery And I got 70% That's nothing Well, fuck me You can't find these chargers You'd think they're out on the street Like in the sidewalk

And whatnot Like a parking meter Oh, no These things are up under garages They're in a guy's driveway I'm in a guy's driveway Trying to zip up Well, some chargers

You know, your producer gets them And gives them to you And then they don't work They just shit the bed Immediately And you even come anywhere Near your phone Well, I don't know anything about that

But yeah, I've heard that But yeah, I almost got shot I rang a guy's doorbell He was an 84-year-old man He tried to shoot me But uh So got out of there But

Returning the car First of all, the weekend was great Oxnard Improv Great club Lot of gays Sold some merch Took photos

Got drunk Saturday night We go, let's go out We're going out So me and Doug Key Who's opening for me We go Let's find a bar

They all close at like Fucking 2 a.m. in L.A. It's a sleepy suburb It's very Latino out there Oh, yeah So we find one bar Called the Thirsty Ox I like Oxnard

We get there With the only white guys there It's a full-on cholo I felt like Pee Wee Herman In tequila Some guy handed me boots I went on the bar They were throwing bottles at me

How about this? I'm sitting at the bar Doing shots It's you know Four in the morning A guy comes up And he goes I don't want to bother you

Everybody in there is a crypt Or a blood or whatever And I'm like Oh shit He's got the flannel Buttoned up to here He's got the sunglasses On the back of the head

Well you know Dickies on with the socks And I go Hello sir I love Ricky Martin And whatever Simple line Yeah

And he goes I saw your show on Thursday And I go Okay great And he goes You got a bit That someone else does Uh oh

And I was like Oh really And at first I was like This guy doesn't know What he's talking about So he goes Somebody's got this bit And I go

Oh really And he shows me the bit Word for word A bit from ten years ago That I was doing in my act That this guy had on YouTube Ten years ago I'd never seen the special

I'd never heard of it Oh jeez This guy saved my life It's in the It's in the Netflix I called Jason Katz I was like Get this joke out of there

It's exactly the same as someone else's Oh my god Who is the other guy I'll tell you off It's too dicey Tell me off I'll tell you off I'll tell you off

Oh jeez I'll tell you off I was like I got a bone to pick Oh god That's brutal Some random essay Out in Oxnard

Was like hey Holmes You doing another guy's bit There essay Oh my god I sure like Holmes So I go Thank you buddy

Let me buy you a quesadilla and a torta And I went home And danced the happy dance Now is the special Ten minutes shorter Or can you plug something in Or It's about like a 30 second bit

Oh okay But it's a one liner Oh thank Christ But jeez I mean this would have been a reddit explosion Cause it was word for word Which just goes to show you You can do parallel

Of course We were just talking about this this weekend Most bits are parallel Most people aren't like this I'm gonna do that guy's bit Unapologetically And not even worry about it That's very rare

Yeah It happens but it's rare Yes And usually the people that are doing that Are open mic idiots Yeah In fucking Green Bay, Wisconsin

Or something like that Sure Go Packers Yeah So yeah Thank god there's rando Just told me that He was kinda like aloof

Yeah whatever man Alright And then he showed me the bit I was like wow So this guy was sitting on that Since Thursday Saw me on Saturday That's wild

Also that he had that bit Yes Right in his head Exactly So thank you sir Thank you Ricardo Pablo or lowrider

Whatever it is R.I.P. Chewy Whatever's going on there I'm glad he had the video Cause sometimes I had somebody Fucking ruin my life years ago Cause he was like Tom Segura does that same bit

Word for word And you might remember it I remember calling everybody Calling everybody I've ever met in my life I've never met Segura I've never seen Segura And he's like

I saw him do it It was like a waiter At the Improv In Orlando Okay well that's a Reliable source I emailed everybody Called everybody

And said Hey I've never seen this guy Do you know this bit And not one person Came back and said Yeah that's his bit So this guy I don't know if he had seen me

Do the bit or what I hate that shit You get bad info every once in a while So I'm glad this guy had the He had that video Cause I would have done that to him I'd be like Yeah whatever man

The special is wrapped It's in the can Blow me But he was right And he showed me the video And boy am I glad he did Wow So that was a life saver

Shout out Yes Wish I knew the guy's name Was in my DM somewhere Cause he DM'd me Felipe But uh Phillip

He had the fucking bluetooth Thing stuff But yeah so Left there Sunday hungover Flew back to NYC And the rest is history So thank you LA

Thank you California Welcome back That's exciting Well I just got back from a Whirlwind Ooh The biggest Most exciting weekend of the year

For me Patriots day up in Boston Oh It's hard because every year It's the same story Yeah You can go back through nine episodes Of Tuesdays with stories

Amigo and I cried I went there The marathon Yes yes I saw my father He's gay whatever Rock butt Were we on the air

Did we have a podcast then I think the podcast came out A few months after that Is that right Yeah I did you know what dude Right after Oh there you go That would have been a classic

Tuesday I know damn it It was good you know what dude Okay Check that out Um So this is the ten year anniversary Of the big bomb

Ah I've had a few of those Yeah My set at the Whatever I don't know Whatever it cares Chuckle dick Jesus I just fell off the thing These chairs are a little rickety

You ever had that when you fell asleep In school and your elbow would Slot off and you do the I get that on flights Yeah it's brutal I think your elbow the lady in the clam I wish you were doing moon tower Oh yeah

I'm not that excited about it You got any grasping at straws Is anybody you're hanging on to Well a couple people Bobby Kelly And Lara Mike Becky Sara Justin Silver

Big J Christie Oh you're in Um Yeah this is some good ones Okay You got a decent crew there Yeah good crew some sneakers

Um But any jizz So the big weekend As you know It's Patriots Day It's Monday It's Red Sox game at 11 Marathon

My friend Bart flies in From Chicago Canner comes up It's Sara's birthday Which I feel terrible She's on the back burner Well her birthday Has landed on this day

I can't wait till next year When it goes back to normal Yeah Where it's like Her birthday's on the Tuesday I rush back and go happy birthday You big twat Yes yes

But when it's that It's like alright Well for your birthday We're going to the Red Sox game In the marathon and guess what It's cold and rainy So you're gonna have a great time Yeah and no pouting bitch

Yeah well listen So it's not ideal But my agent Tommy Pooch The Pooch Poochianni I love the Pooch Gotta love the Pooch

Screwed the Pooch I don't know how I love to screw He's a beautiful man Cute little semi By the way he came And he brought his parents to the show And it was very sweet

But he's the real deal He's the best So he's a Tuesday from way back Hey Poochie So he knows I go to Patriots day every Monday So he goes I'm gonna book you Boston on the Saturday

And a while back This is the day I did Rogan With Louis Which is seven months ago It was straight out of the batch The party That's right On that flight

I was on 30 minutes sleep We had just Fucked each other in the ass For your wedding You got that right And I got back Smelling like stripper And you know

Cocaine Fat lady's sweat Coke everywhere Thai food And I got the email I got the call from my manager At any time they called together You're like something big's happening

Yeah good or bad Yes exactly And they said Hey here's your first theater date Let's get excited We ended up doing Chicago Before this one But this one was booked first

But he said I know you like to do the Boston marathon So that's Saturday We're doing the Wilbur Of course it's sold out Wilbur Very exciting Wilbur

Sold out So I drive up Friday to go see the lunatics You know Put some time with the family Yes yes Because the Saturday You're like

I can't deal with family No no You gotta get it out The day before You got your manager You got your agent You got your wife You got canner

You got Bart You got the old comics Yes exactly All the Boston comics So I tell the family Hey I can't deal with you So hang out with them Friday nice time

You know whatever Let's pretend Then Saturday I wake up early I drive into the city And it's so exciting when you I love my family of course But it's that feeling of like

Ah It took me back to 2000 When I was 18 You break away from that family You're in the city Yes yes You're free The chains are off

You're out of Shawshank It feels so good We're staying at the Moxie Hotel Which wasn't there When I was a youngster I know the mox And across from the W

Where I stayed When I did the half hour That's right And neither one of those Buildings were there And it's across the street From the comedy vault Where I was doing comedy

Oh yeah As an 18 year old It's across the street from Knicks Where I would go When I was 19 and 20 That's a rough room So it makes you Reflective you know

Yeah and you see A little line out Like comedy tonight You're like I did all that And now I'm here I'm sold out Which is exciting

It's the Saturday So I check into the hotel And I just put my bags down And I'm Sarah's taking the train up She couldn't come up Friday doesn't matter She's taking the train up

So I'm like I got two hours So I walk down To the finish line I take the corner I see the finish line I just start crying I'm so emotional

I'm so connected to New England And the event And the bomb And we're back And you know What makes me so emotional About the marathon

Is I love a person That says I'm doing this And I'll go Okay You fucking whacked you up Sure you are Yeah

And then they do it They do it And they shit themselves And they make it to the end And it's so exciting It's such a great feeling It really brings me back Makes me feel a part

Of something To be grateful That I grew up here And I went there When I was eight And I'm back When I'm 41 Or whatever

It's nice to be a part And then you start Thinking about Of something The marathon It's similar to comedy You start looking You're like

I get to the city Driving Finding chops lounge In the yellow pages Yes And walk by there And see an open mic Wednesday

And be like I'm going in there And I called the restaurant I was like You have an open mic And there's a Chinese They're like Show up Wednesday

Or whatever Oh yeah And I go Okay And you find it And you say Hi You got 18

And pimples And your teeth are all Jacked up And you don't have herpes yet And you go Okay Right And you go from that

To the Wilbur's sold out Insane And it's so exciting So many steps So many hours So many nights So many failures So many wins

And then you realize You're like I drive back to Whitman After the next day It's like 40 minutes You're like I would do this every night Every night

I remember Dan Bulger came To my parents house And he's like You did that every night And I'm like Every night That's wild

I just was like You didn't take me home Which was 20 minutes the other way But you didn't care Because you were a kid And you were happy to do it Time was meaningless And it was a comic

You're like I'm hanging up on the comedian I'll drive them anywhere Yes Ed you probably hammered Yeah good point Alright That's fun too

That was pretty fun A lot of drunk driving Telling those stories in the back Yeah I look out And my nephew's 15 He's like Woohooo

And you have to be like this Oh this is bad Yeah don't do it there Fatty Or at least be careful Sure Saturday 70 and sunny and then you're checking the forecast Monday. We're going to the Red Sox game marathon. You're outside all day High of 56 pouring rain. Yeah, I'll do it. It always goes that way, but I enjoy the day

I walk all around I go meet Sarah at the train station. Let me just throw this Contol of a move at you. Oh god. I'm nervous So my friend Bart you never met Bart, but he's a great guy He's cool in the gang just the best and he comes every year. So we have this tradition first It was my wife 10 years now once a year or I guess 11 years now, whatever it is He's flying from Chicago I'll tell us as quick as I can flying from Chicago to Providence Canter's driving over this girlfriend his girlfriend's from Rhode Island. So they stay in Rhode Island

They're gonna pick Bart up in Providence Drive to Boston the three of them is sharing a hotel in Quincy, Massachusetts Okay, which is cheaper because it's Boston Marathon weekend. Everything's outrageously expensive. Yeah So they're driving up get the call from Cantor Bart's in the air his flight was delayed three hours He's missing his connection to Rhode Island So now we're just gonna drive up and Bart's gonna have to figure it out Bart's out This is the day of the show by the way. So you're kind of like I love Bart, but I don't he's gonna figure it out I have a show. Yeah, that's on him. Sorry Barty. So then I get the text. Hey can Bart shower in your hotel

He's gonna get there around six. He's rerouted to Boston. He lands at 5 30. He'll take a cab throw his stuff in your room Shower and then come to the show and I say no problem. I'm gonna go to the theater at six o'clock. Okay. See him So I get to the hotel room. It's teen. It's one of those new you've been there the moxie. Yes. Yes very trendy very trendy It's like it's the size of this studio. It's tiny So then I'm out walking having the day of my life spring has sprung. I'm reflecting. I'm taking everything in I get the text from canner. Hey Bart got on the early flight. He's gonna pop over your hotel at 4 And I write back No, he isn't uh-huh because Sarah's train gets in at 3. We're gonna get to the hotel at 3 30

I gotta fuck her a couple times sure sure have to shower the rooms the size of my asshole. Yes. Yes Bart's six seven. I can't have this big son of an onion watching us like he usually does. Yeah Yeah, so I go that's no good and he goes well, maybe he could shout maybe you can put his bet and I go You know what I'm just gonna get him a hotel. I don't care I don't care what it is whatever the fuck cuz I can't have him showing up at 4 p.m And sometimes you got to throw a little money around to solve problems I get throw money at it throw some money at it So I go to hotels.com and now it's last minute so the prices come down again

Okay, they're all a thousand bucks, but they don't sell them. They're like well drop it down to 379 Yeah, that's a chunk as a chunk, but what a badass move you're like a Rockefeller Well, you know you make good money for a sold-out theater show sure so I go and I can't have him in my room But also the other thing is he he bartends. He was up Bart Tens so he was up till five. Yeah, he's on no sleep He's flying across the country to hang out and I'm like that sucks He'll have his suitcase, but I can't have him come over for a minute just makes sense

Yeah, yeah, just get him a room. So I go in there. I go to hotels.com. It's 379 Which is steep steep, but I go whatever who cares don't worry about it Book them the hotel as it's you know, like you use hotels.com. There's like a blue bar and it loads as it's loads Loading and as it's loading. It's only like 2% loaded. I go shit. I booked under my name go back Oh, I go back and it goes. Hey, no problem. We're back. Okay. I go great turn it up Bart King Boom loaded sold you've got the room. You're booked. Okay. That's a good feeling then I go to my email I got eight emails going tonight stay tonight stay welcome to the stay and I go. Why is there so many emails? I look The first one went through

So I got two reservations one under Joe List and one under Bart King Oh Bart so I'm like, how does it go through if the blue bar didn't to the blue bars bullshit? Yeah, blue bar is bull the blue bar bull. It sucks cuz BBB. I went I went back I hit the back button back when they always say don't hit the back button exactly But it doesn't matter So then I get on the phone. So now I hate technology my tooth my day went Reflecting and the open mic and boy. I've come so far and my dad probably likes me doesn't know how to show it It doesn't matter. This is why you can't buy things all of a sudden. I go what the fuck?

So I look and now I've spent 379 times two which is you can't do that man. It's gotta be 9,000 790 or something like that easily So I go no big deal. I call the hotel This takes about a half other guys like it's it first. It's like press two for one press one two press six eight for your mothers I finally get through to a guy and he's like, oh, I help you whatever and I'm like hey I gotta get my money back and he goes, okay, I help you blah blah blah, okay, okay? This is this is 12 minutes. He goes. Oh, you booked through a third party. You gotta call Expedia That's how they get to the third party. So I had a party Ralph Nader. Yeah, so I hang up

I call hotels comm they go. Yeah, you can cancel, but you bought non-refundable tickets. I'm like a stanza tickets It's a hotel room. Wow, whatever. Okay, non-refundable. So now I'm fucked now You're going though. You're on the marquee of the Wilbur marquee Norman and you're like hey And that's me and my life is ruined. So that by the way my own hotel They don't that's not included just a discount and the discount is 500 bucks Jesus not a good discount fourteen hundred dollars into hotels now Yeah, what the fuck you could have gone to hotels.com got your own for 379 It's brutal. So I text canner and I go can you get the money back in your hotel and he goes no

And I go well if you want you can stay at a better hotel downtown and he's like shooting guns in the air Your fuck up is his fortune exactly. So now he got the fan. You'll haul 400 all hotel for 140 bucks in his shithole and Quincy So he's having the time of his life. So I spent nine grand on hotels. Yeah, that's hell They're having the time of their lives, but you know, whatever the fuck blue bar bluetooth blue balls. It's all shit The blue bar sucks. So I get everybody a hotel yada yada. We do the show Mike Whitman hosting who I started with 75 years ago Such a great hang. We're in the green room. We're all telling comedy stories. You tell the Brad Williams I told the bad. I hope with the Brad Williams. I told it today at lunch. Oh, it's a fun story I'm telling everybody and can I just say this about the blue bar and I'll leave it alone

Talk all day. Here's what bones we had about the blue bar If you had accidentally pushed back and you wanted to get that hotel room it wouldn't have worked Yes, but the fact that you didn't want it. That's what it works. Murphy's blue bar. Yes We should open that Murphy's blue bar Hey Murphy as the But yeah, good point. All right continue with the Whitman. Okay, so Whitman comes so I got my manager got my agent Bart Cantor Sarah. We're all hanging back there. It's bulger comes. Ah, the bowl. That's a good time

Bulger by the way, I saw your squeeze was in town. I said, hey, we're all hanging at the Wilbur if you want to come by She was very thrilled by that. So I appreciate it. It was the classic thing She was like, okay, I'm around then I was like, well not now We're a showering and then never came back and then Daniel Simon should shows up the side and he's great So it's just a packed hang and Chuck is there I never even saw Chuck because he's rigging cameras and mics and things and I decided not to talk to you all day I just knew I just knew you had a lot on your plate So I was like, I just wanted to show up and be like cameras are all set up. We're good to go. Have fun

That was the guy best day of my life. It's I I totally forgot no offense. I was like, where's Chuck? And I'm like, oh, yeah, where is Chuck? Yeah, I just didn't want to you know, I knew you had a lot of your plate I appreciate it because It's not a lot of certain people were were hitting me all day right in the air Well, I read the comments. It's in the Tuesdays fan page. It's like the Wilbur was magical List killed it Whitman was awesome like Whitman got some good reviews. Oh, all right. It was a hot night Yeah, it was a special night and and Mike was moved and touched and gave a great intro everybody killed and it was hot I mean a bunch of standing people and that was exciting and but I have to say I

Felt a dip they were tired started late because they got in late and I had three openers It was never like struggling, but they were so hot like 20 and you could feel it was about a 20 minute period where I was like And this ain't a hot crowd anymore. They're good crowd, but it was Disappoint like this. I think also you shoot the special. Yeah, they're just rocking. They're hot Yeah, someone do 10 minutes and it's just quick. So I definitely was like Who we started a little late and probably had too many openers, but what can you do? Great show and then a lot of standing afterwards, which was great And then my old friends from high school came back and said hello

My family came back and said hello, and then we all went out for Chinese hot Hot hot. We had hot pot hot pot. Hey hot pot, which was really fun That was my toilet Chuck and then Chris Burns and my Tommy my agent my manager's Chris Brad and Sarah and Chuck And the pooch canner the pooch was there you might eat in some pooch and Boy, we had a great time there late night Chinese hang went back Sarah and I made love Chinese hang That's rare. They're really hanging but But that was great, and then Sunday we all went down played cornhole all day And then of course, I assume we're running out of time here, but Monday was a great day

We went to the marathon the Red Sox game. It was pouring rain and the first rain delay. We embraced We're dancing out in the rain. We're like we're getting wet and then the rain stops and you're like fuck the rain Whoo, and then the second time it rains you go. All right. Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here So we went and watched the runners now last thing interestingly It was because usually we watch the whole Red Sox game It's exciting and then you go watch the runners and it's late in the marathon So the people you're seeing are kind of fat and they have like weird ankles

And it's a lot of cops and firemen and military and you're like fucking you I say yeah It's like guys running like like they're like I gotta finish this. Oh my god. They're like out of shape Oh, I thought they were victims of the other one. No You're getting a lip in there. No, they're Olympics. They're just they're just not at me But we left the game early because it was pouring rain. Yeah, and we're all soaked and freezing We had old people and young people that just I would have stayed but you know You got elderly people and children that are like literally like oh, I hate baseball. So you're like, all right, let's go Yes, yes, they hate it. They can't handle the pace and I was like I gotta bring in some runners

And they're like fuck the runners will watch runners on TV and I'm like, I'm not not fucking rooting for something We're gonna bring them in like a service. You're like, this is what we do. Yes So you go down there But because we were there early because the rain get rain out or rain delay Hmm, we saw like primo runners. Oh, they're like real like runny people like under four hours, which is less fun Oh, really? Yeah. Well, it does some attractive people which was cool. There you go port port. What's a guy's name? Portia's Portugal the runner blade run the blade guy. Oh, yeah, what is his name? Poor didn't he kill somebody or kill his hot super hot girlfriend?

Port Portia's something Pontius. No, that's a different guy. I don't know his name Zingus That's a basketball. Yeah, poor zing is rated Sam's still mad about it. Oh, yeah, portray us. Yes Yes, general portray us. Is that Iraq? What blade runner? Give it a go Petraeus is the power. Oh, yeah, but maybe it's similar. Pistorius. That's it. Pistorius. Yes. There you go Last thing I already said that I think you'll appreciate this. I can't wait I was getting some good lot rooting the runners on you. You really get excited You get a couple laughs and then I got a big one. There was a lady run, but they write their names on their

Chester arms. You can yell their name, which is fun and the lady named Grace goes by and I go Grace past 30 years ago killed and the lady in front of me went that's great And it felt good that's great. Yeah, you throw a Christmas vacation reference people like it. That's Grace and Yeah, so anyways best day best weekend ever I came back yesterday and killed myself That feels risky with the names on there because it just you just primed for like it marks a fact You know, especially in bean town, you're gonna get a couple of zings I think you get a lot of that speak of bean town the Fenway Park in Boston has veggie no sugar ketchup exclusively

What is this Portland get the fuck out of here? I swear to God Boston keep it weird I gotta sneak in some hines. I'm not joking veggie no sugar ketchup. I was a ball I'm grossed out. What is it? It's like a flight you go to flight now like hey We have a wheat infused corn husk air pocket. Yeah, it's it looks like toothpaste. It's like red toothpaste It's horrendous. I'd rather eat a period blood. Yeah, I love doing that But anyways great weekend. Thanks to everyone that came out to the Wilbur. That's good. I love you and Yeah, it was special. What can I say? You couldn't have a more bean town weekend race or marathon? Socks will. Yeah, it was something and we're hoping to do it next year. Hopefully we'll do the same thing next year

Maybe we'll do two next year. Let's play two or you know, we'll go back to laugh, whichever We'll see what happens, but it was awesome. Thanks to everybody and and thanks to you for 501 Over the hump of comedy and you know, a lot of those people wouldn't be there if it weren't for this goddamn show So thank you and I already texted him was like, I'm proud of you. Whatever You're gay and I said, well, I wouldn't have all these people if it weren't for you and then he wrote back shut up faggot and And I was like, all right. Well, just trying to express some gratitude. Yeah, but it was a great great weekend and Great lives great Scott. We we got it made man. We're doing they doing Wilbur

We're doing pods chucks on the ones and nines doing the patreon. We got a hot thing about the tape in two seconds Things are all right. The sun is shining. You're gay. We're doing it. Yeah And also I'm at one of my favorite clubs ever side-splitters this week Tampon this weekend. I love that club. You know, I love that club and BT working that club for so long now. Yeah, very excited. I love BT I'll be at side-splitters Thursday through Saturday Matt Wayne's with me and then next weekend tempi improv Killer back-to-back killer weekends and then June 7th Hollywood improv those will sell June 1st of the 3rd Spokane that won't sell quick

But come to that. Don't sell it slow. Yeah, it'll get there June 7th Hollywood improv June 16 17 Columbus Funimone and make sure you're subscribed to my youtube channel ton of fun stuff just shot a silly thing with Sally Qs and Greg Stone Special in the can It's a good position to be in I love it I can't so we got I'm in bozeman Montana this weekend. I said send me somewhere weird We've done every other goddamn town in this godforsaken Country and then it's Dayton funny bone, then it's off to Australia. Come on out. We're adding shows

Sydney Brisbane Adelaide you name it Melbourne and then Then I'll announce a nice little tour. Who houses for a tour name. Has anyone done this? You had to be there. Oh, you got a joke, you know, like you had to be there and then you had to be there You had to be on at the show But is that the tour? Is it called that going into it? You have to be there. Oh Then afterwards there's a dock called you had to be there. Oh, yeah, it's past tense Would that be something that you have to be there tour right shoot all of it And then you put out a thing called you had to be there

That's true, but the have to be there doesn't jive with the joke part because jokes You know you tell a joke you how you had to be there, right? But you have to be there Makes sense for the tour, but I don't know if it gets the joke kind of to the other the double on tan, right? Good point Yeah, I think you had to be there still works. I think it's still work I think it still works, but I hear you with the dock, but it sounds confusing Maybe maybe the the later show could be you really had to be there Okay, we'll keep it had to be there was either that or to a rats. Oh, it's already out

No, oh, you said you keep it because I'm like you can't bounce things. They're already permanent. No, no It's not permanent. Oh, okay throwing it out there because I've had people do that with a like What do you think of this? I'm like, I hate it and they're like I just shot it on the tonight show You shouldn't have raised it that way. I just married it. So great, but I like it. Okay. Okay, you know, I'm always I Get it. Oh God. Thank you folks. Well, this is the 501st in last episode. Where are you gonna be? I don't know what up. So it's above a fun variable my podcast this week, but this weekend May 5th and 6th will be at Philadelphia, it's called Philadelphia Contropolis. It's a comic-con. We're gonna be moderating. I don't know who we're moderating for It's gonna be like I know Kerry L. Ways is gonna be there

Whoa Edward furlong from Terminator 2. Oh, yeah, sorry Feldman So we're gonna be moderating me and Brad and I don't know what we're gonna do yet But we'll be there if you're in Philly American history X as well. Yeah. All right folks. You heard it here first day here Stay clear. We'll see you next Tuesday. Praise Allah