Tuesdays with Stories! - #505 Lucille Ballroom

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Joe's insanely high-priced breakfast! Mark's return to the world of corporate gigs! Joe meets two hottie-gays with "My father's gay" t-shirts! Make forgets his passport! It's Tuesdays!!   Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - This episode is sponsored by BlueChew. Want to have better sex? Visit https://go.bluechew.com/tuesdays to receive your first month FREE -- pay only $5 shipping. - Get 20% off when you go to https://www.liquidiv.com promo code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose while I'm... Yeah! Hey folks, here we are. Rockin' out! Tuesday's with stories, we're back. I got something to say, boom, boom. Remember that one?

Miss Fitz? Oh yeah. Great tood. Wow, wow, wow. You know what I found yesterday? It was a Nirvana playing smells like Teen Spirit in Redding, UK, but they start off with more than a feeling, you know.

Really? Well, smells like Teen Spirit was very similar to more than a feeling. Oh, I didn't know that. So he does it. Bound, bound, bound, bound, bound, bound, bound. Wait, I didn't, I lost more than a feeling. Hold on, let me get more than a feeling. That was a teen spirit.

No, that was like the troc, that was wild thing. Oh yeah. Wow, thank. And when he first played it for Nova Selik, he said, I got a thing, it's very similar to Boston or Louis Louis. And Nova Selic was like laughing at him. He's like, this is ridiculous. Oh wow.

It smells like teen spirit. And then, Grol, he stole the drum beat from what do you call it, a disco. Oh really? Yeah, how about that? Yeah, and then they added the bing-bing, and then, you know, they tried to make it a Pixie song, very similar to Pixie's, of course.

There you go. By the way, last time, I talked about this years ago, but when Selweezer Pixies open, all these guys behind us are like, this band sucks. And I almost pulled like a cascanso. Starts back into a round. Yeah. You got a problem with taking outside.

I'll show you what it's like. I wanted to show them what it's like. But anyways, it's, wait, how does more of the feel? Like, give me a second. Nobody's saying anything. It's a, I can't get it. I hate when you can't find it. Because you got another, the riff is very similar.

I know the word, that'll be rude. The thing of the guitar line that goes into it, it's like, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Yeah, that's it. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, that's wild thing again. Well, whatever, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, Back to wild thing. Fast and sucks.

Yeah. Not the city of the band. That's great, whatever. But anyway, he plays a little bit of it and then goes into smells like Deed Spirit. It's the band. That's right. Whatever. But anyways, he plays a little bit of it and then goes into smells like teen spirit. It's very exciting. It's a fun video. Go check it out.

All right. We'll check it out. Now Ed Sheeran's fat ass is all over the news. You see this guy. What's Sheeran doing? Well, he fucked a kid. No, he, they said he stole a song. Oh, wow.

Oh, jeez. So he had a genius move because he's been pushing back, pushing back, fighting the guy, and then he goes onto the courtroom. They do it in the courtroom. Wow. And he pulls out his guitar, and he goes, I'm gonna show you. So now the whole courtroom's like,

serenading over this, oh wow. He's serenading. They're jizzling. Oh yeah, what are they're, salivating. Salivating. Salivating.

Yes, salicuse. And yeah, they're salivating over this little red-headed ginger cum-guzzler, and he won. Sorry, I got distracted. You know what, I just thought of something. Uh-oh. No, not, uh-oh. Last night, I was telling a story about Sal.

I saw Sal said this, and Sarah's like, Sal, and I was like, Sal, and she's like, which Sal? And I'm like, the one fucking Sal I know, what are you talking about? And now, as you said that, I'm like, Sal, and she's like, which Sal? And I'm like, the one fucking Sal, I know, what are you talking about? And now, as you said that, I'm like, oh, Salacuse. Uh-huh. I'm just saying, I know my wife in a politics, because I'm like, what are you talking about,

you're reached out, we only know one Sal. But we also, sometimes you call Salacuse Sal. Yeah, or Sal is Sal. He's Salamonka. Yeah, okay. But anyway, so she's, sorry, I got distracted because it was like I was driving, I got side-swiped by the sales.

Got it, sales-swiped. Yeah, Salacue, so sorry, Sarah. Swipe right, she doesn't watch the pod, and I'll probably see her before this comes out, but still. I hope so. Terrified, so shearing, he's winning. He won, he won the whole kitten-gaboodle,

and apparently really fucked him up. He's like, you try to do good art, all you care about is this thing, and they try to take it away from you. And you're like, yeah, welcome to Shopeaz. Well, it happens all the time. I mean, you know, Fogarty famously got sued for stealing his own song.

How's that work? Because he was a CCR, he had a song, and then he had a solo record on a different record label. And they were like, hey, this is the same riff from this other record. Oh. But because it was record label versus record label, And they were like, hey, this is the same riff from this other record. But because it was record label versus record label, they were trying to sue him. We're stealing from himself.

And the band wasn't a fan. They didn't care for the old folk. Oh, well, he was like a harg, he was like a dictator. He wanted the ass, he wanted the A side and the B side to be a hit. Right. He was like, we need another hit. If you look at Fogarty or CCR,

they were like pumping out hits in like a year and a half. Insane. Insane. 10 of their smash hits were in like six month period. And I think they're from California. They have nothing to do with Southern rock or anything like that. They're just a couple of like ocean guy, beach guys.

Right. Interesting. Same with the... Beach boys. Sweet home Alabama. Leonard Skinner. Leonard Skin skinner they're from Florida I know but the whole but the whole but that bow turn it up. Mm-hmm my donuts god damn it. Oh, yeah Fogarty and I saw Fogarty recently not recouple a couple years ago didn't love it

I think I'm gonna talk about this. I don't know, but he was in the front of the he was out front I think I'm gonna talk about this. I don't know, but he was in the front of the, he was out front playing and his band was 300 yards behind him, like dimly lit. Oh, wow. So he's just here. I'm like, what are you doing? And then he did the rock and roll jump.

If you want to see a good one, check my Instagram. I have one of the best ever. What he does this, he's like this. What's the camera, am I on camera? He's like 70s, he's like this. Oh, it's like a weak jump. You could put a slice of paper underneath his foot. Right.

Or you couldn't. I mean, whatever the funny thing is. Yeah, I think a slice is enough. Yeah, a slice is funny. That's a bit of a jump. Yeah. Well, I feel the same way. I know offense to the bird man,

but I saw Tony Hawk and the flesh. And I mean, he sounds like an old printer. He's walking around clicking. He's like, oh, geez. Every bone in his like an old printer. He's walking around clicking. He's like, oh geez. Every bone in his body's been broken. He's six five and he's now he's about four eight because he's just hunched. Yeah, he's hunched.

I'm sure the bones are all shaved off his knee. The cartilage is gone. Big shave. They call the bird man. Bird man, Tony Hawk. I never heard of called the bird man. Well, in different circles. Well, I've seen the film Bird man

and then there's the bird, Charlie Parker. Yeah, and then there's Larry Bird. Oh yeah, he circles. Well, I've seen the film bird man and then there's the bird Charlie Parker Yeah, and then there's Larry bird. Oh, yeah, he's a great bird was a Tony Hawk's birdhouse was his skating Yes, birdhouse birdhouse. There you go lady bird. Ah, bird is the word bird from Alcatraz Oh, yeah, something like that the first bird. I tried watching that great Lancaster, oh there you go sexy man sexy men back they had Paul Lancaster Connery who the other guy I'm wet so they were men

And you know, it's fun about the old guys those hot guys like Paul Newman show kind of not ripped But yet they were still manly. They were like fit. Well, that, they had muscles from like chopping trees. Yes. They're picking up buckets or whatever. Yes. They were like in the gym cranking it. They took, I watch all these horrifically gay YouTube videos

and they took, they were out in spring break and some twink out there with a shirt off ripped guy. It was like, excuse me ladies and it's some women throwing frisbees and they're hot and then bikinis and they're 22. And he goes, what is the best body type? What would you pick? And they show them three men shirtless.

And they all pick to say every single woman. He did like 100 women, they all pick the same type. No kidding. Yeah. I knew like this. Yeah. Alcatraz. Yes.

Alcatraz is the player. Carlos Alcatraz. If you see Carlos Alcatraz. I don I don't I'm not familiar with the rest You got to see Alka Razz. Razzle dazzle. Whoo this guy can play Ted is player bad bit. No, I see bad bit good. Good. Shuttlecock Yeah, I mean he's got these legs like tree trucks. You got to see it Beautiful man runs hits, hits, everything.

All right, I'll check them out. He's tennis, okay, these tennis guys are hot. Speaking of hot guys. Oh, he's hot, he's one of these things too. He's like 19 years old. Oh, I have seen this guy. He's a phenom. But you can see how hot he's gonna be.

I'm like, well, this guy's 30, because men get hotter. I like the young boys. Well, men tend to get hotter, as you know. That's true. We just turn to garbage, but. Yeah, the age like an old raisin. Yeah, what can you do?

Yeah, well, you know, we gotta work at the beginning. By the way, my uncle Brian, Uncle B, he's one of these guys. Hey, Brian. Every time I see him, I'm like, you lift weights. And he's like, I don't, I promise. But he's like, we're gonna call these guys. But I'm telling you, he's fixing cars.

He's picking up engines and he's hammering, he's walking, he's one of these car people and he's a carpenter He's a carpenter But I mean I think he's he's take he's one of these guys that the builds the whole frame and then picks the frame Oh engine and the carburetor ripped. He's like 79 years old Never seen bustin out of the sleeve and I'm like like, just stop lying, you've got dumbbells. And he's like, I swear to God, search my house. He doesn't have time to work out, he's liftin' carbs.

He's liftin' carbs, radars. A raiders, but yeah, meanwhile, I'm at the gym every day. I look like fucking old string bean Auschwitz. Yeah, Auschwitz. Ah, take a Schwitz, but, Schwitz, is that come from Auschwitz? A Schwitz? That would be awkward. No, I don't think so.

All right. That was steam. Yeah. No steam. But it's similar. You're in a room, it's hot, you're dying. There's a Jew in there. Well, I said this in Key West one time on stage.

I was like, guys, steam, I was like, and then no one said they like a steam room. And I was like, maybe it's too steaming. I was like, I'm surprised. There's flour in somebody's Jews and Jews love the steam. And then everybody went woo but I was like I didn't mean it as a joke. I didn't say love to steam. Yeah I feel like you guys are associated with this the holocaust but I'm like that wasn't

a steam room. See that was a gas chamber. Yes. Big difference. Very big. But here's my thing with the audiences. They always say you're a racist, or you're being a bigot or whatever.

But the bigotry is in the eye of the beholder. That's where their brain went. And now they're putting it on you. And I'm like, no, no, no, you think I'm gay. This happens all the time. Yes. All the time. I was just talking about this with the buddy.

Well, one time, this is like years ago, there was a black guy that was on a podcast, and I was like, I didn't know how smart he was. And then this other person was like, that's fucked up. Yeah. And I was like, what do you mean? Right. I was like, I knew him.

We've talked, we say hello, we say what's up. We've never had a full conversation. Yes. And it's like, this should be, if anything, I should be, I sound dumb. I'm like, whoa, look at this guy. Right. And I like this, I'm like this should be, if anything, I should be, I sound dumb. I'm like, whoa, look at this guy. Right. And I'm like, I'm not saying I thought he was a moron.

Right. But there's a million people like that regardless of race that you talk to. And then you talk to a moron, you're like, you went to Columbia? I know. I just had this with Monus, Luke Monus. Went to Columbia, he's Ivy League.

Right. He's a white guy with horned rim glasses that I was like, I didn't know you were aivably holy shit. Yes, yes. I'm like, is that racist? But you can say it to him for some reason. Yeah, it shows that it's in their head. And I didn't assume he was dumb.

I thought he was a regular smart. And now I'm like, oh, you're like super smart. You're elevated. But it's the same thing. I'm like, your reaction to me saying, I didn't realize this person was so smart is to go, oh, Jesus, that's racist. I'm like, that's you.

That's you, it doesn't make sense. It's in your head. Yeah, and I put it on me. That's the person couldn't be smart. Exactly, we do with all kinds. I had a guy go, so you're from Jamaica, right? And the guy goes, now Virgin Islands. And the other guy goes, oh, wow, that was racist.

He just got the place wrong. You know, they're very close to those two places, actually. I talk about this on stage all the time when I'll try to guess when you're like, if you guess right, you seem cultured. If you guess wrong, you're very close to those two places actually. I talk about this on stage all the time when I'll try to guess when you're like, if you guess right, you seem cultured. If you guess wrong, you're a bigot. Yes, if you're like, what do you, Portuguese? They're like, spanning, whoa.

Right, it's like trying to stop a guy in the subway. You choke, great, you choke too hard. You're ruined. Oh, okay, okay. But they were, whoa. I had a similar thing with the smart thing. I was at a restaurant, I was getting a takeout order, and he kept getting it wrong.

He would like, open it and go, what the hell? This is not what I ordered, this is low main. I wanted Sesame Checker, whatever it was. And they were like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, and it happened like four times. He's like, thank God I'm checking. This is not it either. He goes, what is this place run by monkeys?

And then somebody goes, hey, that's racist. And he's like, well, now it is. You know, it wasn't before. It's a little bit of mine, but it's in the eye of the beholder. That happened with Howard Cosell, famously. He said, look at that little monkey go. And then they found footage of it. By the way, this is like pre-social media.

They found footage of him calling like a white player a monkey, so that was good. Oh, smart. But tell everybody, that's what player monkey. So that was good. Oh, smart. But call this everybody in word. That's what I do. Jay. You wish. There's nobody in the history of human beings, by the way,

that looks more like a monkey than George W. Bush. Oh. It's like, you look at him, he looks like a monkey. Every cartoon they ever had of him was like, yes. Exactly like a champ. Annie, he does a lot of this. He was kind of adult, you know? He would do a lot of head scratching and he was like a champ. Annie, he does a lot of this. Mmm. He was kind of adult, you know?

He would do a lot of head scratching and he was confused a lot. Yep, went to Yale. Ah-ha! I didn't realize he was that smart. What percentage of presidents have gone to Ivy League? Chuck, can we get a reading on that one? I'm an-

I'm an- I'm an- I'm gonna go 68. I was wondering that. I said something, a similar number, and then Luke is like, it's gotta be higher than that. Well, the problem is it's not just the smart thing. You're in with the right circle.

Right, of course. You're hanging out with the colors and the free masons and the old whites. But early on, I think some of the I think schools weren't around yet back in 1780. So it's got a lot of those presidents weren't. I mean George Washington certainly didn't go to Harvard. Yeah, that's true But I think we got to read each other and the fraternities 16 Ivy League out of 44. Oh, that's great 16

16 but wait you got to count the not The the 18 whatever when there was no Harvard Right, the Harvard was pretty far. Harvard's been around. 16 out of 44, that's less than half. But I think we lost a lot, because it was pre-ivie. But I think, I just heard this fact from somebody, we had like five presidents in a row who went to Harvard.

Oh wow, Obama. Was it like, yeah, I think they all went to like Harvard, whatever you call it, lawyer school, law school. Yeah, I think we had a few in a row. Okay. Oh, Bob went to Columbia, and I think also Harvard I think you're right. So did great Geroldo. That's right. Yeah, yeah, Colombian. No, Colombian. Colombian. Yeah, that's, yeah. But he had that great joke where people go, you're a Hispanic, damn, you look good. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Uh, we're going out for Duraldo. Whatever that could be. He was good. He had one of my favorites when he goes, saw the news stories. A man burned his genitals in the shower at a hotel, he's suing a hotel because he burned his genitals. He goes at a hotel, he's suing a hotel because he burned his genitals.

He goes, that's a weird way to test the temperature. That's how he goes. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Woo! Wouldn't you love to tell that joke every night? Just to do that act out. That's exciting. How fun is this to walk like this on stage?

Yes, yes. That's funny. You want to tell a joke, people have never heard. It's very funny. That's a good time. Because he probably, and real life, he probably got in, burned all his body, but his gentle is the most sensitive. But the idea that he walked in the shower, Dick first.

It's gold. That's how you test the water. Because then you start thinking about it. Like, why would it burn that and not everything else? It's a lot of things happening, that's a great joke. Funny guy, and then he had the greatest country, America, or the greatest city, New York's the greatest city of the world. And he's like, how do you know, unless you've been to every city? How do you know that's not a city in Thailand?

Oh. Or women will blow you for a nickel and the whole city's women is one guy who hands out nickel. Yes, yes. I think he hands out dimes. Well, whatever it is. Yeah, but either way, gold. And then last one. I got one too. George Bush is the worst president ever. He's like, ever?

Worst president of any kind? He's like, I don't know. I gotta go with the president of the Selena fan club. Oh! He's like, she shot the person whose fan club it was. Oh! He's like, he can't be worse than that. Woo! Boy, he was good. I think maybe my favorite of his,

and this is one of those, you're like, woo! How do we all miss that one? He's like, people say, eh, you're married now, it's hard, blah, blah. And she's your soulmate. And he goes, I don't know about soulmates. You know, he's a soulmate,

Sigfried and Roy. A gay lion tamer hooked up with another gay lion tamer. Amazing. Come on, that was right there. Me too, me three. That's another great one. That's a great one. Monica, you got AIDS, yo.

You got AIDS. Oh man. Whoo, a lot of great. Runny guy. Check out Greg Duraldo. That's, that's show Monica, you got AIDS, yo. You got AIDS. Oh man. Woo, a lot of great. Funny guy. Check out Greg Duraldo. That's showbiz in a nutshell. The fact this guy has brilliant jokes. Killer, all the comments that run in the room to watch him.

Super smart guy, Clever as hell, funny as hell. The roast is really what popped him. Yeah, but that's entertainment. You got to get in some way. Yeah, it's a tough, tough biz and boy, I wish he could have gotten it together that guy. I know I know it's sad. Well, the sun works at the creek the creek the seller. Yeah, that's true.

Cute kid, I think he's doing comedy what she want to be like. Just just live a happy life. Yeah, the uh, yeah, I told I told the story about him. I had to cancel his show to do the beacon. I feel terrible. Uh, Toronto, Jr. He'll probably hear this. I hope we told the story about him. I had to cancel his show to do the beacon. I feel terrible Teraldo junior he'll probably hear this. I hope we didn't say anything bad. We said nothing No, we love we love the best I got into bed to say about him No big fate and I met him. He was couldn't be nicer. Yeah, I told you what I Old comics in the West Village or meat packing whatever on the border

I guess I did that Shlub and I got bang cuz I had a snap set I went crazy. Get out of here. This woman kept boo. I said I was from Boston originally. This woman went boo. Boo. Boo. What I went. All right. Shut up. Or whatever. And back then also I wasn't my I was hanging with the Apollo. Right. So I thought like you forget when you're young comic you're like all right that's what you do. Even that's not me but that's what you do. Yeah, yeah, so I'd be like shut up You can't you go right to the crazy and I was like, I hope you're dying of fire. You're fucking bitch I just like crazy

To my in my defense she kept booing sure She was like, what are you doing? And I said to the guy. I was like, yeah, you don't tell your wife to quiet you embarrassed by this Oh, wow, she was like he doesn't control me. I'm like, I'm not saying he needs to control you I'm just I can't believe he hasn't left. Yes, yes, it's horrible. It went crazy, it was horrible, and then they were like, you need six months off in the club, but anyways, I came back. Wow.

I came back stage and Geroldo went, well, you gotta try the new stuff sometime. Ah! How good is that? Oh, that's so great. Even in your moment of passion, you had to be like, that's funny. Yeah, it was pretty good.

Woo! Well, at the time I didn't know it was banned either. I came off and I was like, that lady sucked. What the fuck? And by the way, they paid more than any other club. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, it was pretty good. Woo! Well, at the time I didn't know I was banned either. I came off and I was like, that lady sucked. What the fuck? And by the way, they paid more than any other club. Yeah, that was out of time. You got banned by a club, you're like, I have to move home.

I know. That was all my money. And it just hurts, you're like, what do I gotta get my shit together? Yeah. Because this is all you're going here to do comedy and then you get kicked out of the place to let you do comedy.

Yeah, what can you do? Woo! That's tough. Comedy, you just gotta learn all these things. I know. That's feeling of like, fuck you! And then you're like, now I'm like, I would just be like, can we, can someone throw up? Yes, yes, exactly.

It's bothering me. Can we just take care of this? But I still have that moment of like, oh yeah, you got to not. You will work that immediately. Yeah, but it was really quite unprofessional. So I apologize. What was it? Molly Mandel?

Yeah. Yeah, she's still like a manager, isn't she? Yeah, I think so. Cool, cool, cool lady. Something. Yeah, she was great. Great egg. I'll grab the club.

It was very nice to me. Yeah, Kim Hanwacker. He used to put that. Oh, that's right. The hot Asian lady. Well, I haven't heard that name in a long time. Yeah, that was a great club. Great club.

That's where I discovered my Schumer, discovered. And then I also had the biggest flood of my life. I was hosting there. Big gig. I was an open-mic guy, Brooklyn guy, you know, Altroom guy. And I finally got a hosting job at Comics. Best day of my life. Can't fuck it up.

Did push-ups, put a suit a suit on did my hair I go there Joe de rosa's first so I go okay, okay I host goes okay whatever and I go ladies and gentlemen Let's get this show started give it up and I had a brainquee and I went give it up for Joe Rogan Joe and the o's and the o's and the O's and the whatever. And the crowd went, it was like fear factor days, you know. News radio was still relevant. Back when Rogan was big.

Yeah, he was huge. He was doing a lot better than. Yeah, and the crowd was like, hey, all right, now we're talking. And then hideous Egyptian adopted Gould, who's Joe DeRosa comes out and they went, ah! And my lady did a cross on him and he tanked his whole set and he blaved me for like a year.

That could be a character, Joe DeRogan. Oh! It's like, DeRogan, but yeah, Rogan has different shoulders and classes. All right. I can't think of it. He's ripped, but he's still pissed. Yeah, I like it.

But that DeRosa, funny guy. Another funny guy, hilarious guy. He's doing his bits, but no, don't think of it. He's ripped but he's still pissed. Yeah, I like it. But that's a Rosa funny guy another funny guy Alaria's doing his bits, but no don't do the bits, but hell great hang too and great podcast. I got a bait No, shit taste buds taste buds. I've said it before. I'll say it again. I mean wear number one of course, but there That's the best podcast that's not us. Oh, yeah, this is number one, but that's a great one. Who's that cell? Podcast that's not us. Oh, yeah, this is number one, but that's a great one. Who's that cell? Sal, okay, I only know one cell. All right. Oh, I fucked up. That was bad fat cell. I feel terrible How many cells do we know? Yeah, I'd be another one too Fat cell cell the Marco. I don't know the cell from dog day afternoon.. I grew up with a salve who had an overdose on methadone.

A lot of methadone deaths when I was a kid. Wow. That was like the fentanyl of its day. Because all these guys would start doing heroin and they're like, all right, I'm gonna get my shit together. So they get methadone and they would deal on that. Right.

Yeah, it's tough times out there. Stay out of drugs. Yeah. It's been a school kid. There you go. I'll be kind. Please rewind. We're wine.

Hey, folks, Tuesday's stores is brought to you by Blue Choo. You know, I love that little blue pill. It's a lifesaver. Let's talk about sex just because we're, just because we're aging every moment, doesn't mean that awesome sex is off the table or on the counter. Do it wherever you want.

BluTchoo is here to help get things moving. They're a unique online service that delivers chewable ED medicine right to your door to increase performance and confidence. With the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost, you'll be ready to go whenever the opportunity arises. I love BluChu. Keep one in the pocket, keep one in the suitcase, keep one in the toilet tree bag or above the sink. You never know when you're going to need it.

You never know when your cousin's coming it down. It's easy. Sign up for BluChu at BluChu.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers. And once you're approved, you'll get your prescription in just days. Bluetooth tablets are easy to take and made in the USA and they ship in discrete packaging. So no one knows about your ED.

Bluetooth wants to help you have better sex. Discover your options at bluchew.com. Chew it and do it. And we got a special deal for our gaze out there. Try Blu-chu for free. When you use our promo code Tuesdays at checkout, just pay five clams for shipping. That's a steal. That's Blu-chu.com promo code Tuesdays to receive your first month free. Visit Blu-chu.com for more details and important safety information. Thank you, Blu-chu, for sponsoring the pod. Folks, Tuesdays and the stories is also brought to you, of Choo for sponsoring the pod.

Folks, Tuesday's best stories is also brought to you, of course, by LiquidIV. Last night may have been a drunken disaster, but at least you can still feel like you have your life together with LiquidIV. LiquidIV hydrates two times faster than water and has three times the electrolytes of traditional sport strengths, with 12 awesome flavors like guava, passion fruit, watermelon, boring, plain water is the thing of the past. I love this stuff. I put guava in everything I have.

I have a guava on the side and some, I'm eating some berries. I'm trying to be healthy. Passion fruit rules. I love watermelon. It's like delicious. It's the best stuff I've ever had in my life. By the way, my uncle's fire department.

He's like, hey, you're gonna give me some of this liquid IV. Liquid IV, they sent the fire department some liquid IVs. Oh, hell yeah. These are good people. Liquid IV has the five essential vitamins you need to feel your best. B3, B5, B6, B12, Bkind, rewind. Vitamin C also, it's also a non-GMO and gluten dairy

and soy free. Poor glass of liquid IV, delete those videos of you falling in the street and move on with your new hydrated life. Grab your liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco, or you can get 20% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code Tuesdays at checkout. That's 20% off, anything you order, when you shop better hydration today,

using promo code Tuesdays at liquefyv.com All right, we better get into it. I got a lot of stuff over here. All right, well first of all I think something reminded me you said something about food. Did you talk about food or a restaurant or something like that? Food what did you say you said something service? I said carbs at one point now You told a alluded to to some service or a waiter. Derosa, a waiter now. He's broke. Comics.

Well, whatever, it's brought up this thought. Because I had something happen just a few minutes ago. This is fresh. This is hot off the, uh, of a fresh fish. Right off the stove, uh, out of the ocean. So I went to the, uh, I go, you know, I go to Equinox, I got a lot going on in my life. Steam.

And you're kind of by the upper, upper side. Uh huh. And so I go to this place, it looks a little too fancy for me, but you try to try, let me try this. They got a little buffet style breakfast. Okay. By the way, in New York, anything that doesn't have a price on it, your fucked.

Bad news, don't do it. It's gonna, it's like a woman who you can't tell has a dick. She's got a dick. Yeah. What? You know what? Margaret Thatcher said, which this doesn't hold up well, I guess. Margaret Thatcher, where are you pulling this out?

We got a lot of rain, do we go for an Alvarez to Thatcher? Well, you said a woman. Okay. Oh, still close. She has a quote that said, she said, being a leader is is like being a woman if you have to tell people you are you probably are not Hey, that's funny. That's fun and funny, but I mean 2022 if you say that They'll off with you head and we're in 2023 so it's even worse. That's a good point. So that's true So anyways, I'm on the upper east Sarah had an appointment so we meet up and like we'll get breakfast

She's like how's this place we go and it's buffet style. They got the scrambi eggs. I love so I scoop in some scrambis It's one of these help yourself. Mm-hmm. Then they got an oatmeal. You know me and oatmeal I get a big giant tub of oatmeal a tub of eggs and then a What are you going a fruit bowl? Oh? FB I get that she gets eggs, a French toast piece, whatever. And a coffee. All right. Pile it all up.

And the guy's like, do do do do do. Puss getting it up. $59. Oh, wow. $59 bucks. Grab the bags, one piece of French toast and some oatmeal. Don't come to New York City. $59 then,

anything with a weight. When you got a weigh it, you're fucked. Yes. City. $59, then, say where the weight, when you got a weight, you're fucked. Yes. So then Sarah goes, I'll get this one. You know how I go? Okay, sure. The tides are turning. I'll take it.

I say, I'll get this, she says, I'll get this one. And the tip pops up. The little tip pops up. Which one they get you. We're out of control with the tipping in this nation. And if you go 20%, we're looking at a good, like, 16, 15 bucks here. Well, the percentages were 5, 10, 15.

Ah, that's low. She feels the pressure. She's like, nervous, hits the 15. And I go, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, we did it. I was like, go back. We did the put again, the 10. And this, you're not going to be happy about this.

Uh-oh. The guy, he's got a goofy hat, you know, a Paris side guy with glasses. Like mine. It looks like me. Okay. I'll show you what he looks like. a Paris side guy with glasses. Like mine, it looks like me. Okay. I'll show you what he looks like. I don't like him already. Like this.

Okay. I'm, I go, no, no, 15. I go no disrespect, sir. But we're not tipping 15% and he goes, I'm sorry, it already went through. Oh. And he like laughed at us. I wanted to hate this guy.

What do you call this? Ring the neck. Ring the neck. Oh. And just spat it. Yes, yes. Smash his face into the thing. Oh, I was like, Sarah, you just gave fucking $9 to a guy. He literally didn't do anything.

He went this, boo, boo, boo, boo. Exactly. That's it. He literally didn't move. This tipping is bananas. It's bananas and they get you with the screen. We had jazz fest. They didn't take cash.

I was like, you don't take cash. I got one somewhere to throw them out there make it rain And they go we only take card and everything is 15 2025 I bought a fucking white claw. I got a tip 25% on a white claw. It's wild and it's like I Also, it should be a dollar you give them a box. Yeah, yes, yes, yes, the jar. We love a jar It's the breakfast. This is all for prey. It's $70 for a fucking eggs. And now he just gave him nine bucks.

He literally, I'm not joking, like didn't come around or say, here are the eggs or scoop them. Right. No scooping the nubless. I mean, he didn't serve us. He got paid like a server, but didn't serve. Exactly. I mean, look, this kid's a genius.

Keep doing what you're doing. Maybe don't laugh at the couple when they over-tip you, but he's got it made in the shade. I mean, he's getting banked for standing there at a register. Meanwhile, some coups at CVS is making Zilch. Zilch Arou and, uh, and she's getting replaced by AI. Ah, Alan Iverson.

We're talking about practice. Next perfect. That just happened. That is brutal. But it shows you're a good citizen because you're up early. I would never meet my wife or breakfast. Well, she had a doctor's appointment.

So I went to the gym. We reconvened. Yada yada. Yeah, we're more of a lunch dinner crew. Breakfast is like, I wake up at 10, 20. It's already over. Well, she's not usually up, but she had the appointment. Okay. Yada yada. Everything it's already over. Well, she's not usually up, but she had the appointment.

Okay. Yada yada. Everything alright? Oh yeah, she's great. I had over a fat sister coming out of her ass. Hey, sister gender. Oh, she's great. Alright, well good for her.

I'm just worried, you know, at the age, she might get osteoporosis. I never know. So yeah, let me, let me, I know you got some hum dings. I got a couple things, nothing crazy. A couple of funs, couple of littles. I got a couple of roller coasters. It made me with a roller coaster.

I love a roller coaster. Well, now is it a roller coaster like this? A roller coaster like this. It's like this. Keep the arms in, because you'll lose them. And don't bring a baby, because it'll fall out. All right. All right.

So wacky weekend. This is what's fun about my, what do you call it? PA agent? Personal appearance. Personal appearance, yes. And so my agency's crafty and he's creative, which I love. Okay.

He's no pooch. And there you go, poochie. Poochie. So he goes, I got you. It's a weird weekend. I never do corporates half my jokes about Puerto Ricans Jews and anal. So the big three. Yeah, I had a I had a corporate pop for a while. That should be my crest. Yeah, Puerto Rican with a knife, a Jew with a meyamaka and just a big butthole in the middle. So I got a pop of corporates after sign fell.

Give me the shout out, we were like, hey, sign fell. Love this guy. Book him, book him. We got him. We got him for $10. Sign fell is $10 million. So, I never did corporates again.

That was five years ago. Randomly, I got two in a weekend. Just randomly. Damn. So, one is on Thursday in Atlanta. It's for some big CEO. All the CEO's get together of all these companies and have a club and they do big events.

Delta? Atlanta? Delta? I took Delta. Uh, all right. What do you mean? Is it Delta Company? Maybe it was the company. They might have been, I mean, these guys were big wigs. They were out there. I think Atlanta Company, I think Delta, I think Delta, I get hard.

I think it might have been Delta. All right, let's just say it's Delta. All right, I'm Delta, I get hard. I think it might have been Delta. All right, let's just say it's Delta. All right, I'm more of a beta. But so we got Atlanta Thursday and then Friday, I got a corporate two in a row, back to back in Toronto. Whoa.

So the guys real estate, whatever, he's got all his real estate goons, they're all suited up and rich and hot, like, broy buff guys, you know. Love it. Yeah, so it's like, all right, so we'll fly to Atlanta do the gig. Wake up fly to Toronto and I go well if I'm in Toronto let's see if there's a club around there I can pop on and this is where I'm going to get sappy before I get

jappy. Okay. Oh, so, uh, uh, bang a gong. All right, so is a g? I think it's Chinese. Are they both fuck with a gong? Yeah, I don't know. Oh, the gong show. All right. Gong.

I don't know. Wong is Chinese. Yeah, gong in 60 seconds. But all right. So all I wanted in comedy, I remember when I first moved to New York, Louie would do a thing where he would tweet, I'm gonna be at the seller at 5 p.m. free show, I'll buy you drinks. And I'm being like, wow, what a, this guy is so rich and so famous that the room's filled up in two seconds, obviously. And he's buying everyone coax. And I thought if I could ever get to that point,

I don't need the sitcom, I don't need the movie, I don't need the quiffs Just let me get Tweet out and fill up a room and go perform and try new shit. Right. Yeah, that's all you want That's the dream. My dream is yeah, afternoon shows I want to be big enough that you do 2 p.m. Go home and watch the hockey game below myself And so he did this about four or five time. I went to every one because I was a fan I love comedy and it was free. It was broke.

It was a young comic. So I was like, that's all I want in comedy. I don't care about anything else. So I go, hey, I'm going to be at the Toronto comedy bar. Blah, blah, blah. Cells out. We had a show. Cells out.

That's it, folks. I'm packing it up. I'm done. Hang it up. It's enough already from you. You have a good run. You've seen it all. Who cares? I got nothing in the tank. I'm done. I'm old. I'm done. Hang it up. It's enough already from you. Yeah, good run. You've seen it all. Who cares? I got nothing in the tank.

I'm done. I'm a hack. I'm old. I'm retiring. Gay. Gay as well. So now we go to Ado and Lanna. And you know, you're in your head. You think, hey, I'll go down to Atlanta. Let me pack. You know, you're groggy. It's the morning. You're throwing shit together. You throw a swimsuit in. A bong, a dildo. You pack it up. You get out of there. You get to Atlanta. it's the morning, you're throwing shit together, you throw a swimsuit in, a bong, a dildo,

you pack it up, you get out of there, you get to Atlanta, you hit the lounge, the Atlanta lounge, dildo. Woo! Well, that's the hub. I get Atlanta's, TNT of dildo. Yes, exactly.

Dildo and Coke. Ah! That's the big Atlanta business. And I believe Ted Turner. Oh, that's right. TNT, CNN. Yes, sure. He owns half the other ones.

Oh, yeah. He's big. Adults swim. He's got a couple of wacky ones. So Cartoon Network, I don't know. Yeah, that's true. Go to the gig. It's in the, the Hyatt.

No, is it the Hyatt? No, it's the St. Regis. Ooh. Buckhead. Whoa, I know Buckhead. So the gig is in the St. Regis, super swanky hotel. Buckhead is the swanky Beverly Hills of Atlanta, basically. And they put you in the St. Regis.

And when I say they gave me the sweet, they gave me the sweet. I mean, this is multiple rooms, the whirlpool tub, the giant view with the, boom, oh, that's something. You know when the drapes open with the button? I love the button. Oh, you get the sheer and then you get the drape.

The sheer is the little gay one that's, you know, all lacy and wispy and then the drape is the big one. So I'm open and drapes, I'm open and carpets and they match. Don Draper and Ed Sheeran. Hey! Come on! That was big. Steal that one, Sheer. Yeah.

All right. So, now when you see the room, you immediately go, oh, I should probably prepare. Yes. You know, I'm doing 45 minutes. I gotta have something to talk about. I was just gonna go up and do the new stuff, you know, fuck around, do the things you're working on. Yeah. No dice.

I mean, this is Regis, this is Big, this is CEO, maybe Delta, I gotta bring it. That's what's hard. I have one corporate gig in July for dentists. Yeah. The dentists love me, by the way. You gotta do the dentist bit. I know every few weeks I get emailed at my dentist.

That's all the time. I don't, you know, I wish they could fix me up. But anyways, I got all these gigs, and it's the same thing, I'm dreading it, because I'm like, I gotta my adentist. That's all the time. I don't, you know, I wish they could fix me up. But anyways, I got all these gigs and it's the same thing. I'm dreading it because I'm like, I gotta remember my old dentist bits. I gotta put together something. I'm a bit, three months from now that I'm like terrified of.

Oh yeah. Well you got some time. I like to work loose. Yes, loose is good. Loose is the best. Juicest loose. But, Lucy Goosey. So, I'm like, all right, I better prepare some shit.

So, Lucy. All right, so I go down to the ballroom, you know, and you're already in the ballroom. Oh, you're rolling. It's nothing. Okay, that was great. So I go down to the ballroom and it's dinner time. Everybody's eating big round tables

It's a bunch of checkered blazers Cackies with the no socks low for these guys are sexy their millionaires. I got the hair gel in it the whole thing Wow Rolexes So I meet this guy and he goes hey your mark. I'm gonna open for you. And I was like oh, thank God Please and he's like a normal comic at Atlanta nice guys like I do a million corporates. I'll do like eight minutes I was like do 12 do 10 do 15. Oh, he's a comic. Yeah, I thought okay. I reacted the wrong way I thought he was one of the I thought he worked for Delta Your obsessed with Delta. It's guy didn't have wings or a pilot slice

It's like oh, go whatever Go, go turn her he was dead turn her so he so he goes I got you whatever I'll set you up nice Like oh thank god, and then the lady comes up. She put the whole thing together She's like here's a little dirt on and I'm like oh, so I'm sitting in the corner scribbling I'm writing stuff about Jerry and Willie and Bobby, you know, basically he's gay He sucks and he's a co- kid and then I the guy goes up. He does pretty good He does pretty good this guy and then I go up, but I do okay. I mean, some ups and downs, whatever.

It's a very fox, Newsy looking crowd, you know, the women are blonde and pantsuits and all that. And it went okay. And I was like, hey, this is not so bad. I got some stuff. Didn't kill, but for, as far as corporate goes, I'll take it. You get your check, and then I did a little mingling after

where they were like, that was great Da-da-da, here's my card. Here's my card. Well, I'm also like trying to get some more of these Then the guy go the comic goes as an open mic if you want to do it and I go, hell yeah Let's do the open mic. We hide tail to the laughing skull. You show up there. Everybody's hanging out They're excited to see it. You go on last Got to rip it and it's so fun because all the shit that bombed at the corporate killed the mic of course Yeah, though those corporates are just sterile. It's not right. They think they want comedy. They don't they don't they'd be better off Getting together putting on suits and playing a special on YouTube. Whoa

Let's let's we're all gonna get together have dinner have drinks and then we're gonna watch we're watching you pain Yes, yes exactly because they picture. I'm gonna hire this guy He's got tonight show comedy show definitely and they picture everybody going Right, you know dying laughing but that ain't it. It's like so what's up with a gaze doing this and they're like Why would you bring that up? But I'm like I'm a comedian. I don't know. It's got a funny a gay guy You know or a woman tuxer dick in, that's funny. It's got a funny idea. Our fun idea is if you have a company,

do a corporate event, and be like, we're watching Jaws. Oh, movie night. Yeah, just have some food and some drinks, and then you'll put on a film. James List, whatever. Get a pizza and beer and ice cream. Yeah, why not? If I have a own a company, why not if I ever own a company?

I mean, I do want a company if I ever own a company that more than just me works for there you go I'm gonna really play it up. I might have a jaws night tonight. Hey, it gets ice cream Put a suit on go nuts Who should put the ball on? I put it on last night and I slept at it said so It was great. We did the mic. It was great. And then it went back to the Regis. Just hit the drapes. Boop!

Went to bed. Woke up. Flat at Toronto. Drapes of wrath. Now here we go. Statutory drape. I got the Toronto flight here. And I'm like, not Toronto. I'm going to Canada.

Oh boy. What do you need to get to Canada? I've lived this, I've done this. It's a common mistake. I bust your chops all the time, but this one, I've had this. Yes. If you have two destinations and your first one is domestic and the second is international, you don't bring the passport.

I think you'd think Atlanta, Atlanta. Exactly,'t bring the passport. I think you think Atlanta had landed. Exactly, I've done it. I did the same mistake you're going, I'm going to Atlanta, why would I need a passport? I don't know about you, but my passport is in like a cabbage pass to an asshole in the basement under carpet. Right, let's say for it. Exactly, exactly, I forgot about it.

It's under an old yearbook and some Katrina rubble. And I'm like, what the fuck? Where is this thing? So now we're up against it. Now the flight is tomorrow. It's like midnight. I'm like, oh, the passport. I'm laying up in bed. I'm like, I'm like James Conn and misery. I'm like, ah! And I text the manager and I go, I fucked up. I didn't get the passport and he goes, could your wife ship it? Right. That's what I didn't do.

Is that, did that work? Yeah, but I was doing a weekend. Uh huh. I had a three, three weeks or three days in the Chicago improv. What are the fuck? Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg.

Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Shomburg. Also me and the lady got in like a dragout fight the night before so I was like I don't want to ask for a favor now

You know so the fight favor that's a tough one so then I go Well, let's see Sean Murphy's opening for me. He is going to Buffalo and drive up So maybe Sean Murphy go pick it up Then I'll fly to Buffalo change my flight get in the car with him and drive up That's pretty good. It worked. Wow. Yeah, so I said,

Wow, that couldn't have been your idea. Whose idea was that? I think it was a little half and a half. Okay. All right, so I said, I said, I said, Hey, Sean,

I'll give you 50 bucks, you go to my house, I'll pay for the Uber, pick up the passport from the angry wife, put it your pocket, fly to Buffalo, get out, I'll meet you in Buff, we'll drive to Canada and he said, no problem. Wow.

I love the fixer. I love the fixer. It's almost worth it for the fiasco because you get the win. I love a win, I love a fix, I love a new plan. There's nothing better when I plan, locks in plus I love a road trip, too Yeah, yeah, it felt like a heist. I got to the Buffalo Airport early direct flight Just landed okay met him in the lobby Passport jumping the car

Met his parents off to buff how are are the parents? Very nice people. Big old Irish, sweet hearts. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah. Met the parents, we'd get the mom's car, she had donut holes in it, she had water in it, just lovely people. That's wonderful. My parents were, I've never had it,

I didn't have a donut hole, that was 29. Yeah. I never saw one in the house, but either way, we drive to Toronto and then I'll flip it over to you because I'm hogging it But now we got we got the gate when you got the border. Oh the border Borderline well driving through the border is always tricky. It's scary It's scary and you know my bag. I got a trunk full of Narcotics hooch and what do you call it?

What do you call it? Paraparapan? Paraparifan? Paraparnellia. Paraparnellia. Fun word. And then there's another one. What do you call when you got a gun on you at the airport? He's got a contraband. Oh!

I got a contraband. I want you to a fucking band. Yeah, exactly. I got a bag full of slingshots and brass duckles and pocket knives and all this strap odds. So Sean's like, I used to go to the border all the time to drink when I was 18. I live in Buffalo.

Don't even sweat it. And I go, all right, fuck it. I'm not doing a thing. I'm leaving the bag in the car. We get to the border. Passport. What do you hear for? Doing comedy.

You don't look funny. Thank you. Passport. They let us go. Bam! We're now in the old great whiteway Canada that nor feeling of getting in the car It goes back to when I was a boy of course, but like that feeling of driving away from the board borders behind you And now it just feels like the whole world opens up. Yes, and we were always going to Montreal So it was just tiddy bar and beer

Trotto's cool, too. Yeah, that's fun city. But yeah, you're right, the board is behind it. I was like, what about your retards? We got away with, ah, we're high five. And it was like a swingers, Vegas. You know, and it was just fun. We go to Toronto for the next corporate gig. And that's what I'll throw it over.

All right, I got a bunch. I mean, how much time do we have? Where are we at, checkers? 42. 42, okay. I got a hug, you go. No go no hog lots of hog high on the hog Have this going on don't you hate this I got a new hot bit killing Feeling good. It's the new bit that everyone's like that. Yes, nothing better then I'm doing it for about three weeks

Nice and fresh nice and nice and nice and loose. Oh yeah. Hot bit. Lips. But 10 people tag me all of a sudden it's a meme. meme bit. It's one of these bits where all of a sudden it's a popular meme. I'm one of these like meme world. I've had this. Four million followers. It's got 386,000 likes. They didn't steal it. They just also had it or you had it for them. I don't trust it. I'm asking, I don't know the logistics here.

It feels like a steal because it's very random. And it's like, it's not an observation, really. This is tough. It feels pretty stealing, which is fine, whatever, because it's a meme, it'll just pass. But then when you're telling it on stage, you're like, I've seen that's a meme. Of course, of course.

You took that from the meme. And that's an insult now in the young world. They go, hey, this guy's doing meme comedy. It feels pretty steely to me, because it's new. The tweet, on the one of the meme, the meme came after, no, but I've done it on stage and I've told it to 2,000 people. Right, right.

And all of a sudden, it's one of these things and it's a meme that has like other, it's just happening all the time now. Oh, it's a big, it's an epidem. Yeah, it's been going for a while. So that was for us, right? So everyone tags you, but it puts this scene in it. And my bit has 40 more punchlines

because it goes 10 different angles. I think you're fine. But it's annoying. It is annoying. If nothing else, it's annoying. And then people love to call you out. They're like, you stole, they didn't even think you did. They just want the drama.

Yes. Cunts, quafes. And here's another small thing that'll get into a bigger thing. But I'm on the flight the other day. I got the aisle seat. Ah, the aisle. First class.

I get up to take a piss. I'm on the flight. This is a cross country to Phoenix. I get up, take a piss. I come back, sit down, pull my tray back down, get my phone out, do this. The guy next to me goes, eh, I hate to bother you. I get a piss.

I go, I was just up. He wasn't sleeping. I'm like, and I said, I couldn't, I was like, you didn't wanna go and he's like, gah, sorry. Huh, interesting. But you're like, I was up. Why wouldn't you get up?

The whole time I was up, I walked all the way up there. I pissed for 30 minutes. Yeah. Walked all the way back and sat down. I'm talking 20 seconds later. Wow. Yes, it was crazy. I mean, maybe a minute later.

Like came back and got all those back situated. I'll be back up. He's like, can I go pick? I'm like, this is mind bog. Are you out of your mind? This is fascinating because it's so opposite. If I was sitting there in the middle and this guy went to pee I'd be like finally I could go pee and be all I think about I don't have to ask the guy now

This is perfect everyone is just standard if you hold it you hold it for as long as you can right hoping that they'll go when they go You go yes if it comes to it if it comes down to it you go. I'm sorry to bother yeah Yeah, yeah, anyways that was no that that is very frustrating and this guy need some plain Ethics teaching yes etiquette etiquette. That's the word not ethics same shit ET. Hey go real phone home ET this my new game I've been playing you've set out two letters. You got to come up with famous people with those initials Yeah, Alan Iverson Loose ET ET. ET, yeah. Extra to rest.

Aaron. Oh, I see. Eric Taylor, you got to come up with this thing. Oh, you know, it's good for the algorithm because everyone writes it in there. Ah, Elizabeth Taylor. Oh! There you go.

And Eric Trump. Oh, yeah, he's a Trump, right? Is that a Trump? Yeah, I think it is. I don't know, I think I made that up. That's Eric. Okay, Eric. Yeah, but it's not famous, that's that one's no good. Eric Trump's not famous, he's famous.

I don't even know who that is. I think it's the other son, the blonde-haired son. Right? I don't know. It's Donald Trump Jr. Yeah, there's Jr. the co-cad. I think Eric Trump, yeah, yeah, he looks like the son. Okay, I mean, he's a son.

All right, all right. It's a good son. Aaron, Eddie, Rectile, Ed, Ed, Seerin, Ed, Education.

All right, well, I gotta get to the stage. Dettification. Let me just get right through the story. All right, just get right through it. I just came off one of the biggest, best, most exciting weekends of my life. Oh boy. Tempe improv, shout out to all the gays.

First of all, we got them out there. On the photo, you've seen the photo. I said to do. Hot to my eyes. Hot was fluttering. It's a dry heat. Thursday night, I do the show. First of all, I'll do the Tempey Emperor

of one of the best clubs. We co-headlined it 19 years ago. Great club, before Wi-Fi. The week after my wedding. I got married and then went straight, we didn't do a honeymoon because you and I went to the Tempey. We fucked.

My honeymoon was in Tempey with old Marcus, Campey. It's a guard's in a hotel in comedy. It was beautiful. So back to Tempey first time in 11 years. Hopefully they have me back sooner. And last Friday I was in Tampa, which is only one letter difference.

Ah, you're right. Tampa, Tampa, what now that's two? No, but A to E. A to E. Got it. You just, you take a while. You put in the E. That's, that's lunch.

It's something I open with it every night, bombed every time. Ah, it was fun. I like it. So I was in Tampa and you know, you start to think about your ticket sales and go, Hey, what are the other sales looking for next week? And then I get the numbers.

It was like 11, it was like my locker combination. Oh, eight, three, four, 11. It was like Epstein's list. It was bad. So I texted you and Shane and Soder and I was like dusting off phone numbers. Yeah. I texted Sal, Accus, and volcano.

Cheers, Sal. Well, the boys came through because every show was Pat not packed, but full. Hell yeah. So I ended up selling, you know, a whole bunch of seats. It was very exciting. Get there, I'm meeting Luke Monis. Yeah, hello.

Who featured the mom. Monis, bonus, bonus. I mean, this guy is something. He's a tall, tall drink. 6, 7, 6, 6. Wow. And he had a hair too. Beautiful, he's got a real smile and.

He's got nice mouth. Yes, a great mouth. I stare at his mouth, it's got a good curvature to it. He does have a good mouth. Great mouth, I want to plant one on him. Great mouth, great act, great clips, follow him, and just a great hang. We're laughing and shucking and jiving.

Good old time, we hiked every day, we got 10,000 steps, it's really fun. Gotta do it. And big breakfast. 12 steps. That was great. But we do the show in Thursday night, you know, you go back and you're like, you go to sell the shirts,

meet in great. And the first two out, the two hottest women I've ever seen in my life have homemade Thursday night, you know, you go back and you're like, you go to sell the shirts, meet and greet. And the first two out, the two hottest women I've ever seen in my life have homemade shirts that say my father's gay. Oh, homo shirts. Homo shirts, my father's gay, just beautiful. It felt like a dream.

It was like, what do you call that? When you're in the desert. A morat. A morat, it was like a morat. Good hotel. Two blonde hair hair flowy women just coming up with my father's gay was all lopsided plus you got to You got to look at the shirts you're like hey, yeah, really

True, it's an excuse to struggle and I hope Sarah doesn't mind but I blew the photo up at six feet by three feet it's frame we made it velvet It's strange. We made it velvet. It's a full of things. We pray to it in the morning. Five times a day, like Mecca. I mean, these are some Tuesdays. Oh, yeah, they were 10 10s games. They were pretty, not even a two. I murdered every male Tuesday, just to get a look at one of these in a bra. Yeah, but I mean, hottest Tuesdays on the planet, shout out to the ladies.

Yes, thank you for being a friend. That was something. So that was, I was, I mean, I fell into Luke's arms. Yeah. He had to pat me off or whatever. But so many Tuesdays out there, guys showed up with a photo from 2017 that he blew up and made into a,

whatever you call that, a little square, whatever. A frame? It was like a frame. It's not a frame, it's like, well they mad it. They mad it. Mad it.

Yes, mad it, inner. So, uh, I'm mad at, show, I sign that. That was great, every show was great. So, I tell you this, but there was like a, Mick, they had a private party.

There's like four clubs there. Oh really? Well, there's stand-up live. Yes, that's the big boy. Then there's Tempe improv. That's the great one. Then there's CB Live, which is a Scott still. Yeah, right. And there's another room called Skidmarks or fuck phase or something. The car was that that one. Oh wow. It's a Something talked to car was that that one. Oh wow. It's a wild wild strip wire oh boy This is a drag out and woo-han. I can't think of it. I want to think of stir crazy stir crazy Yeah, there's my polar on the left side stir crazy is there talk to cars at that one. Okay. All right to come

We love the TT love to car, but boy. I fucked up. Oh, no up, but he texted me. I got a lot to talk about here. He texted me at like 1 a.m. like, hey, I just saw you guys are in town. I didn't know you're in town. Let me, we can beat up. It was like 1 a.m. I'm going to bed. So I was like, I'll get to him tomorrow. And then I just forgot.

And then Mona was like, I texted with him. So I kind of did the, all right, well, you got it then. Okay. And then you feel bad, because you're like, I just blatantly ignored this person for two days. Yeah, you see it happens. Yeah, you feel bad. It's 1 a.m blatantly ignored this person for two days. Yeah, you see it happens. Yeah, you feel bad.

It's 1 a.m. though. It was a 1 a.m. text, and then I had Luke with sex, I'm with Luke, so he's extension. Okay, so it was all good. We worked it all out. It's all pipes, but he was too far away to hook up anyways. But anyways, so Brett Ernst, who I talk about often, one of my favorite comedians ever.

Funny guy, cool guy. Hilarious guy, and just a great guy. He's at CB Live. They book some private party. Some Serbian, it was like a Serbian festival or something. And then, and then, and then. So they're making whatever. They probably paid $300,000 to have the room.

Three and a thousand rubies. So they say to Brett, we got Joe List over at Tempe. Maybe you could go do time on that if you want or you have the night off and he goes, hey, I'll go hang out with List. Yeah, why not? So good hang. They say, you're cool with Brett Ernst and you show him,

like, are you kidding? That's like, dream come true. I love this guy. Well, you don't have any qualms about it. This banger feature coming out there because he's a big presence, a big mook. Well, we'll get to that boy So I go I love to have bra well first of all

As as terrifying it is to try to follow bread earns featuring There's principle you can't say no you can't be like I'm not having a So it's an automatic you can't this guy's a One of the best I don't love an automatic question Don't you hate that when they go hey you want to have this guy? You go well. I don't love an automatic question. Don't you hate that one? They go, hey, you want to have this guy? And you go, well, I can't say no. I mean, you could say no.

I guess you could, but then it's weird. That is possible for God's sake. I agree. I would say yes. Don't get me wrong, but I don't like a, you have to say yes. It's like one of these. You catch a foul ball, and they're like,

there's a special needs in over here. Yes! And you're like, all right, well, I like baseball too. Yeah, and he's going gonna die in a year. I think come on. Can you ship it back when he falls out of the chair? Yes, this is a way. Ha ha ha.

Let's get a peanut butter on it. So, Ernst is coming, I say, yeah, get Ernst in there, and they say, bump, monos to MC, Ernst is featuring, I'm headlining, we got the best show in America. Is Monas's little sour? No sour. Okay.

No, he's a free wheeler guy. Well, first of all, if you're like me, I'm like terrific. Oh, I see, last time. I remember years ago, I was opening for Jeff Ross at the comedy connection, and then Dan Cook, they're like, Dan Cook's in town, he wants to do time. They were like, we'll pay you if you sit out, and I was like, terrific.

I drank about 48 beers, got my 50 bucks, and watched Dane Cook. Hey, could be worse. So anyways, I go, yes, to Ernst, of course. So Friday, he comes, the MC's, this guy, Brian Ritchie, nice guy, we hang out, Brett comes, Brett's got his buddy, Luis, who's his opener, and a comic, and I heard a hilarious kind,

and get to see him. He's taking photos, and it's just a good hang. Then it's time to follow Brett. Okay. He goes on stage and boy, I was in that side green room. Really? Sweating. Wow.

Well, Brett is like Cosby in all the right ways. He's like, he sits, he stands, he paces. I mean, he murders stories. He can take it around, he can bring it back. I mean, he murders, he has a skill. He's got a skill. He's he can take it around, he can bring it back. I mean, he is, he's a presence. Yes. And when he had like, he's one of these guys, he does like 75 minutes.

He's like, veterans is a show. He's a show. He's an old school killer. I mean, he is killing, and he's killing me. I'm in the back crying and laughing at the same time. I'm like terrified and laughing. And then every time he gets to a new bit,

you're like, maybe this one will go off the rails. Every single pow, pow. He's killing, I look, he's sitting, and he's like, the thing about this generate murder. And I'm watching the show being like, I shouldn't even be on that. I shouldn't stay. And I came, that's how I opened.

I was like, you guys don't even need me. You can go home. But if, no, party the show being like, I shouldn't even be on that. I shouldn't stay. And I came, that's how I opened. I was like, you guys don't even need me. You can go home. But, no, partying is gotta be like, I can do it. I'm gonna bring it. Well, you do. I mean, and that's what you have. You have to realize after doing the shows. You realize you're like, oh, I'm very good.

Right. You know, and also they do, they see the headline. They're like, oh, this guy, first of all, a lot of them are there to see me. True. The gaze. He's just a bonus. And you come guy, first of all, a lot of them are there to see me. True. The gaze. He's just a bonus and you come out and of course, you bring it down first.

I do my Tempe Tampa. And they're like, what? And I'm like, I'm kidding, I have better material. But it's a good point and that gets a hit. And then you just start doing your act. You kill. Yeah. And then I come off and I come off stage,

this is the side green room. This is Friday night. I walk off and like, you know, you're like, you're blinded because you've been in the lights, you come in the green room and I just see, what's up motherfucker? Big hug, I don't even know what I'm hugging. Pull back, Centino.

Whoa, the Sandman. And your centinos in town, shultz is in town. How about this? Yeah. Yeah. Andrescentino, Brett Ernst, me, Luke Mones, all in town.

And Tom DeCarras on the outskirts. And Tacarras over at Skidmarks, uh, do whatever he was doing, I don't know. He's a placebo or placenta, who does? It was a who's who of comedy. So Santino comes behind, hour in the green room, I'm driving the bus, you got Monas, Santino, Ernst, me, it's half of LAs there.

Wow, you're Batman, that's a tight green room already. So it must have been a real melee in there, bruha. Oh, I didn't get a word in, but I had a good time. A lot of laughs and we're eating. The waitress was great. Couldn't have been nicer. Couldn't have been more beautiful. Just a great time. It's a great club. All the managers were so nice. Great, great weekend. I love that club. Yes. And all the guys ended up coming out. Every show was just killer, but I'll tell you, club and all the gays ended up coming out. Every show was just killer, but I'll tell you, Saturday, you missed the hang, but I was like,

woo, glad to not have the Ernst follow. Yeah, and all respect to Luke, who obviously he gets it. He's hilarious, but Ernst is just such a fucking killer, such a pro. Yeah, he really is one of the best comics. And it's fucking, I, so many of his bits that I'm telling people all the time I've seen why from the side of the stage which was great and Just great hangs great great weekend. Yeah, I'll just tell this one last thing and I feel bad

I feel terrible telling the story. Uh-oh. Was it is it a dicey one? Is it a? Did you get a room with somebody? Well, I just feel back as the one guy. I feel I'm a forgiving guy. I feel like this guy just goofed. Okay. But there was like a door guy there. New guy, nice man, promote him, don't fire him. Yeah. But he comes back in the green room right before I go on.

Like the side stage green room. I'm sweating it, I'm worried, I'm like getting ready to go on. And he goes, hey, just, just, you know, he's lit. He's got about 30 seconds left. I gotta tell ya, I saw your movie. Took my brother to go on and he goes, hey, just, just, you know, he's lit. He's got about 30 seconds left. I gotta tell ya, I saw your movie. Took my brother to go see it. I thought it was great. I thought it was beautiful.

He hated it. He thought it was the worst thing he's ever seen. He couldn't believe how bad it was. All right. Have a good show. He told you that and said to me. And I'm talking like, I'm going on stage in 30 seconds. Oh my lord.

And I think in his mind, he was like, but I loved it. Right. Isn't that funny how I loved it, but he hated it? Yeah. But it is a weird thing to hear the last second before you go on. Of course. And then he's just like, yeah, he thought it was a piece of shit.

He couldn't believe shot. Poor boy. Really bad. All right, take care. Have a good show. Wow. So you're just like, I was like, that was crazy. And the MC, Brian Reach, he was like, you got to get out of here, dude.

He's like, that's crazy. Oh, good. He was like, he was like a dormant for the dormant. Yes, yes. Like shoved him out. He was like, I'm so sorry about that. I'm embarrassed. Oh, what did he say to taste that guy?

I mean, that's in excuse. That's like going up to your wedding. Hey, congratulations. You know, I fucked your wife. Yeah. I got a couple of those too, but Yeah, I mean I regret doing that. It was really wild. I mean, he just was like really piss poor just a real What a dirt bag one of the worst things I've ever seen look take care. There is a real problem out there

I don't want to say epidemic, but there's a problem with these guys who have to zing in a weird way They they can't give a full on comment. There has to be some left turn of mean. Right. That happens all the time with fans or coworkers or whatever it is. Yeah, I think they think it's a gain to give a compliment to something.

Yeah, yeah, they got a little Joshy a little. I'm not gonna blow you all the way. Yeah, I can like to do that. They're like, yeah, we got tickets, so it's not hard to get a ticket to your show. Yeah, and you're like this. All right, right. A lot of a lot of I get a lot of my wife hate you. Yeah, I love you. And you're like, all right, well, sorry. That's shit. The mariner. Thank you. I don't know if we have time for Toronto. Should we tease it? What are we? We're at an hour. Okay. Well, maybe you can squeeze in one little one. We just teased. Toronto teased. Toronto teased, cause we do the corporate

and then I do the week in a show and a lot happened. Yeah, I got a lot. We'll just say that. More over here too. I got, I didn't even get to half of this. Great. So the next week's episode is gonna be a hot dog and between you and me we're about to record it.

So, we're gonna see these outfits again, folks. Yeah, and it's gonna slide right, it'll be a smooth transition. So, we'll see you in a week. All right, well, I got some dates coming up, but did these work? Cause everywhere I go, that was another thing that happened in Tempe.

I'm walking up the street, I'm worried about ticket sales. We walked by a bar, three guys are like this. What the fuck? Joel, is that you can paint days? And they're like this, what? And they jump the fence like I don't do it that they hop the fence They're like this is one of the best comedians of the world. What are you doing here? I can't believe it. I'm at the tempi improv your fuck face. I'm doing shows three days

Yes, yes away so but then I'm like I'm only Plugging here in Insta stories. I got a list. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to do either You can sell ads I guess when I but now you're spending money. And then with those guys are funny because I always go, come to the show and they go, ah, we got to get to a ballgame. Well, they were like, shit, I was like, kept saying come tomorrow. This is like 3 p.m. Let's ride it. I was like, come tomorrow, tomorrow is to night's sold out. You don't know what you're part of that. I don't know if they came, but you're like, you're recognizing me with a hat, walking up the street, moving past you, and your starstruck shaking.

Yes, he's like this. But you don't know that I'm performing 300 yards away. They might have had Parkinson's, but either way, they don't get a flyer out there, does Tempe have a list, and they have a billboard, something. I don't know, I gotta get better. If you're a marketing person, shove something in my ass.

Anyways, this comes out and fucking fall of 2025. I'll be in this weekend, this weekend, Spokane, Washington, Jeremy Spokane, June 1st, is the third Hollywood improv, June 7th, Columbus, Funny Bone, June 16th and 17th, and make sure you subscribe to my YouTube for God's XIX. I'm putting a ton of shit up there. Shorts and stories. I talked to cats.

He gave me all the hints and things. Hell yeah. So I'm working on that. New specials. Coming soon. When's yours? 25th of July. Okay, maybe I'll do August.

I haven't been cut yet. What? Yeah. Damn. It's been months. I don't know what's going on over there. Oh, he sent me one at it. I don't know, I gotta figure it out. All right.

Well, you got, there's no rush, and there's no late either. Right. You can put the fucking thing out in Thanksgiving if you want, or you can put it out tomorrow. All right. Plus, I gotta separate your promo from my promo. Right. You can give us any podcasts, Jerry.

Why do you do July 1st? I don't know, Jerry, you, you, That could be something. That's Fourth of July weekend. Ah. People are in. What's happy with me right now? We're only in May. I'll figure it out but subscribe and yeah get on it. July 3rd. Maybe. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a B in Australia. Tomorrow, I guess. And then, so, cup check me out all over the down under and then the big tour announced

Just put on the Instagram on the website all the dates Milwaukee Rhode Island Denver, you know you name it Alabama Louisiana Texas. It's all pipes. We're coming a year down We're gonna come in your hair and come say hello and make a t-shirt that says you like the gaze and be a hot lady and say hello. Yeah be a attraction woman and wear it Please where are you gonna be? Check out my podcast fun bearable at funbearablepod.com. We just had two episodes of Doug key We're gonna be live at Grove 34 on Monday, June 12th with Andrew Shivone and Matt Wayne

Keep coming back folks. It works if you work it, like, subscribe, whatever you do. I gotta get better at this stuff. What are you supposed to do? Comments, like, five star reviews, the review, yeah, do a review, share it, like it, cleaf on it, tell a friend, word of mouth, I think is still the number one communication portal. What's last to be looked at the iTunes reviews

of our podcast, that scares me. No, thank you I remember doing it one time three years ago and every review was like you got reflux who gives the shit Shit yeah, I take a pill shut your ass up. You're a liberal beast of shit one guy was like we don't care about the airport lounge And up with the lounge. I was like oh shit this guy nailed it right on the head All right, so they go books Praise Allah Bye!