Tuesdays with Stories! - #506 Elmo Fudge

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Mark goes to Toronto and does a corporate gig, we talk houseboats and 401Ks... WHO AM I KIDDING? WE DROP A BOMBSHELL IN THIS EPISODE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! NOTHING MATTERS BESIDES THE REVELATION WITHIN!!! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Get 50% off + free shipping on your first 6 bottles of wine at https://TryFirstleaf.com/TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS & get 10% off your first month. - Support the show and get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com with the code TUESGAYS - Support the show & take 15% off your Raycon order at https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose what I- Oh! Ho Chi Mama, Ho Chi Mama! What's that from? Set-side film? That's a side film. Yeah, yeah. Season 8, 4-9. Again, one of the worst film. That's a side film. Yeah. Yeah season eight

Again, one of the worst ones. It's when somehow Cramer has a fucking porch in the in hallway Which is again one of the most ludicrous Undefensible indefensible indefensible plots Americana Jerry. There's a baseball flop. Kids are supposed to be playing They like that never, the whole series. I get so mad that I'm like, they lost the plot, they lost everything. They really did.

It became like, how can you like this? So what do you think, you think they just brought in all these Larry leaves? They bring all these six-com home improvement guys, the Big Bang guy, you know, all these Mike and Molly, whatever the fuck. And I think what happens is, the sort of thing with the curb,

is people start having too much fun. It becomes a fun place to be, so everything's fun and funny. Oh, wouldn't it be fun if we did that? Yeah, throw that in there. And nobody's there to be like, does that make any sense whatsoever? Right, right, right.

It makes me like furious. Like I'm like, so I don't understand. So who, it's funny if that's the show. It's just a sketch show at this point. Yes kids playing baseball in the hallway in the Upper West side and Kramer's Just crazy as a screen door screen door with a lawn chair and an American flag and sparklers. Oh America. Yeah, it's it's silly. I think you know what they do. They go Kramer's wacky. We'll do a wacky sub sub plot, then Seinfeld's neat. We'll do a neat plot. You know, then George's chief or whatever it is

and they just go with that. They don't actually go with the character or the personality. No, they just, they totally lost it and what can you do? Yeah, yeah. But it's a great show, it's a better show. I don't have a show, I suck. There you go.

I think you make a show. People hate it. Yeah, they certainly will. We didn't realize what we had back in the early arts when we couldn't have a comment on everything. We didn't know we had. That was paradise. Yeah, you had to wait for people to just come up to you

which they also do that. I do that. I do that. My brother hates your movie. You piece of shit. Oh, man, that guy. Now that's one of those. I hope he hears it. No, I hope he doesn't. I'm worried. I feel bad because he's Oh man, that guy. Now that's one of those, I hope he hears it.

No, I hope he does it. I'm worried. I feel bad because he's a sweet, sweet boy who, you know, he said something a little wacky. What can you do? He blew the pooch on that one or screwed the pooch. No one ever blows the pooch. We only fuck it.

We can't blow a pooch. You screw the pooch. You don't blow the pooch. I'd like to blow it first. You know, that's a tweet. That's something. Oh, okay And you never fucked a pooch is screw. Yeah, so me insects. I assume and what is that from screw the pooch? Where the origin on that is gotta be is that a farmer who got horny? What is that? That is a good point? Screw the pooch screwed the pooch the pooch has been screwed

Yeah, the chicken crosses the road. There's a dog day after noon. It's a doggy dog world. Where'd we get the screw and the pooch? The only time we referred it was in a pooch, by the way. And you don't hear pooch that often? No. Pooch, I think pooch is also like a fash.

Yes. My pooch is showing. Yeah, I remember the first time I heard Fuppa. Pfft. That's fatter propusier. There you go. Yeah, that was big. That was big, because they exist and somebody named it.

Somebody had to come up with it. Well then later, someone had gunt. Oh, gunt. A gut cunt. I love gunt. Which gunt I like better, guntther. Gunt, yeah. Gunt is gunt, is it?

Hit, gunt. Yeah, where its fupa's more fupa. Yeah, it's like lufa. It's not quite, it's like a mixture of the worst word ever. Got in CUNN. And the worst thing ever. That's good. But yeah, you know, Foo bar fucked up. You all in all recognition. Yeah, that's like

that's a military private Ryan. Right. There's also snafu. Oh, hold on. Hold on. You can do it. Suck Nazi ass fuck. It's a Nazi ass fuck oh Oh Situation normal all fucked up

Wait a minute So is it normal to fucked up? It's a good point. It should be Ness of food Normal situation all fucked up. Yes, but I think in military, they talked that way. They talked that way. We got situation normal over here. Right, it's like Yoda. Situation normal is all fucked up. I think I'm right on that. I think you're right.

I think it's situation normal all fucked up. I love snafu. I love when words just go on and they become a thing. Like basket case, you know what that is. No, I don't know basket case. Well, you know bad. I know the album. That guy's a real basket case.

He's a mess or whatever. Basket case, when you lost your limbs in the war, they put you in a basket to carry around. I don't know. That's one of these right here. I'm not sure. Cause I also heard that okay is zero kill. Oh, I love that.

But I don't know that that's true. Like in World War One, the fighter pilots, they'd say, what's your status? We're okay. I don't know why wouldn't be zero kill. Maybe it's shorter. I think it's, it say works. Okay. Yeah, they like to Yeah, they like that they're gonna go with letters and not numbers. You know long-time no C That's just long time I haven't seen you. No, no, but you wouldn't say like that you wouldn't go

Uh long time no eat right good, but maybe like Yoda talks like that. Yeah, but it's like somebody talked to an Asian guy I've been sitting on that one for 20 minutes What was I gonna say Yeah, hold on it. What was that food? Basket case. Yeah zero kill. Oh, cause you never say we're five K if we're bad. You're never like, Hey, how you doing? Oh my God worth three K over here. Yeah, well, my TV's for Kay. So who knows? And then there's the KK TV sucks. Yeah,

that's three Ks. That's fun. Yeah Then it's a card as you and it's a lot of Ks there, but yeah Basket case, but who knows that wasn't bad. I'll take it But yeah, we're all over the road here and I love word origins Eptomology whatever the hell you want to call it, but some of them I think they they make it I know son of a gun gun was like a whore Pirate days they would call her a gun. This is what I heard. Oh, I like that. a, I know son of a gun, gun was like a whore. And the pirate days, they would call her a gun. This is what I heard. Oh, I like that.

She's a real gun, like a paid woman, and then you'd have her, you'd get a pregnant son of a gun. That makes it, because we say he's a hired gun. Which is a weird term, because you're like, oh, we got a shooter, he's a hired gun. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Hired killer, hired gun. It's short. Is it all about shortening? Maybe's a hired gun. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Hired killer, hired gun. It's short.

Is it all about shortening? Maybe it's hired gun. If it's about shortening, my dick is the best. Hey. It's the shortest dick around. Yeah, strawberry shortening. But there was another one I had, a basket case, gun, okay. Oh, you know where the word nerd comes from?

Dr. Seuss. You got it. Yes. He had about 38, he goes nerd, nerd, knurf, knack, nu-wic, quack, you know, but nerd stuck. I mean, I'm getting shit for saying this, but I'm like, we had this dialogue three episodes ago. Oh.

Word for words. Fuck me in the rewind, I screwed the pooch. You sent, you know, about nerd, and I said, Dr. Seuss, and you went, yeah, you got it. Oh. I mean, someone could lace these next to each other. I mean, it's unbelievable. You sent you know about nerd and I said doc pursuits and you went yeah, you got it Someone could lace these next to each other. I mean it's unbelievable. Which by the way, speak in a way. Did you know this? Uh-oh? The joke The don't fart until I come joke. Yeah great joke evidently. I had told that to you before What yeah, you have all time you got dysphasure or

Willis yeah, I'm all over the road. I got nothing. Something's up with you because I wrote, I said it and it became this legendary video. It's like, hard as you've laughed and Mark's never laughed. I remember the video. And whatever. And then a lot of comments are like,

Joe told this exact joke to Mark four episodes ago, four years ago. What? Back in the old days, stand up New York days. Well, you know what's scary, you know, this is now getting serious. I've been taking these sleeping pills and everybody's like, hey buddy,

they fuck with your memory. Oh. And now I'm like, I was always like, ah, blow me or I never heard that. And they're like, well, we actually told you that last week. And I'm like, I don't remember you telling me. So then here we are. I mean, the, No, Dr. Sue, this is appalling.

Yeah. I'm so excited about that fact. Maybe that's the excitement you served the remembering. Maybe, maybe you're a gonzo, you might be. We're not that good of fundraiser. Well, why can't I forget about the bad shit? I forget about the Dr. Sue's thing. Let me forget about the babysitter in third grade.

I know, that's a good point. Well, I think that's locked in there. It's trauma. But then there's the whole thing where your body does the, oh, that's a repressed memory. Right, yeah, that's very nice. You took that camp counselor out of my psyche. I've had people ask me before,

because I'm very flinchy and twitchy and blinky. And I don't like to be touched. So people say that's a sign of being molested with your kid and I was like, maybe I'm repressed. Maybe you're repressed. Maybe my father fucked me or something. Because I'm very, people touch me and I go,

oh Jesus, I freak out. Yeah, repress on nail, but it could be, but now here's the question. Would you rather jostle it and set it free or would you rather just keep on keeping on? Well, these days, I mean, if I was finger-blasted when I was nine, I can put that on HBO and straight to the raptor.

I'll be the famous. That is true, you're right. Yeah, these one-man molesting shows are all the rage. So I don't know, you know, my dad hit me in the face once. I don't know, that is that count for something? Yeah. Hard, hand print, the whole thing. We should tell kids that know you know my dad hit me in the face once. I don't know that is that count for something Yeah hard hand print the whole thing we should tell kids that you know because these kids are all fucked up My dad molested me and you're like hey sucks now, but in 28 years you're gonna be running the show at Edinburgh Yeah

Three people got that you think about do it Edinburgh ever I was on my my list of things to do, and about three months out they go, you gotta do this, you gotta do that, you gotta do this, you gotta promote, you gotta self-ticket, you gotta flyer, you gotta paper, and I said I'm out. Yeah, it just seems like a lot

in the every same show every day. Yeah. I'm not an everyday guy. You know me, I do Thursday through Saturday, I take about six weeks off. I'm like, I gotta take a breather. And you like a routine. I don't know if they got your tea over there They don't have cookies in that town. Well, it's all tea you kidding. That's where they have the tea You can but it's real tea. I drink real tea. That's why I go to Starbucks

Maybe Emperor's Clouds is as real as it gets all right, I think they got the pot out They got the cup and the saucer and a queen. Well, I like the pot if you're in. I could shape shift. Okay. Okay. I'm in London. I'll put on the fuzzy hat. True. And I'll even have crooked teeth out there. Not here. So I'll go out there. I'll eat crackers and biscuits.

Sizzgets, whatever it is. But beans for breakfast. In the city, you want your box and you want it is. But beans for breakfast. In the city, you want your box and you want to go. But I did try that in Paris. I told that story before. I went there, I'm like, can I get this to go and they looked at me like I was crazy.

Oh, interesting. Oh, I got an update of a big situation. I got to look at my, I know this is unprofessional, but I was a bad. Off air only, but. It's not a bad update. Is it a damn date? No, it's about the thing I told you and Tempe.

Oh, the guy? Yeah, yeah. This is wild. You know, it Tempe sounds a lot like Tampa. It's only one. But wait, so do we need to do some editing? This is crazy. Okay, oh, good, I'll go.

I gotta read it, I'm dying. It's not about the guy who shit on your movie. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'll go, I'll go. I gotta read it, I'm dying. It's not about the guy who shit on your movie. No, no, no. Okay, okay, I got it now. Nothing to do with this, this is off-pod stuff. I got it. Oh, just read it, we can cut for two seconds, this better. Oh, God, oh, God.

Okay. No, no, no, no, keep it moving, keep it moving. Woo, this is spicy. I can cut, I can cut. No, this is good, people. Okay, this is for I, I, I, I, I, no, keep it moving, keep it moving. Woo, this is spicy. I can cut, I can cut. No, this is good, people. Okay, this is for IRIS only. Weird things happening. You're gonna get them to juice up here. They're going, what the fuck?

They can't handle this shit. Well, that's fun. That'll get the algo go. All right, go algo. Yeah, we got, you know, someone got shot that I know, and it was crazy. All right. Hospital nail.

Ooh. All right, this is exciting. He knows Alec Baldwin everybody. Yeah. And, uh, whoa boy. All right, well, that's one of those stories that you're, you're all, it's like the marathon when they were looking for the bomber.

So like, I can't, I told you, canner was like, I'm taking you to stake for your, for your birthday and I had to be like, hold on, okay, great. And we never went, I never got the stake. Cause I kept having to be like, I can't stop watching this. Yeah. And he's like, wow, I will check the steak, because I kept having to be like, I can't stop watching this. Yeah.

And he's like, wow, I will check the phone, I want to take you out. And I was like, I appreciate it, I love you. I couldn't stop. Wow, yeah, and they got the guy. He was on a house boat. That's right. House boat, just a boat.

Oh, at a house. Ah-ha. Okay. Interesting. Regular boat. Is a house boat, is a boat that's a house, and then a boat house is a house that a boat is Regular boat. As a house boat is a boat that's a house, and then a boat house is a house that- That house is a boat.

Wait, no, no, I think they're different. There's a house boat and a boat house. A boat house is where you store boats. That's what I said. How is this a boat? Oh, house is a boat, I see. Yeah, okay. The boat house has a boat in it.

A house boat is a boat and a house. Yeah, got it. All right. Like boat. Is a boat and a house. Yeah. Got it. All right. Like sleepless in Seattle or McGiver. Two of the three. Two famous house boats. Oh. McGiver had one in a couple seasons.

And then sleepless in Seattle, of course, he had the one. Also, I think it'd Cape Fear. All right. He had a house boat. Yeah. Was that a house boat? Or was that just a movie big boat? I think that might have been a big rich guy boat.

What's that called? A yacht. No, not a yacht. A I thought what's the square? No, no, no, I think it's pontoon. Will you look up pontoon? I think that's where you have the bar and it's a big square thing Well, maybe you're right. I think so. Maybe you're right. Yeah. Yeah, it almost looks like a fan boat But it's just the two things on the side with the things in the middle. Oh, well, you know how to live on a network.

That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay, okay. That's what I think Cape Fear. Look up the Cape Fear boat now, if you could. Cause I think that's pontoony. That's a loony pontoon. But maybe they do sleep in there, cause there's a kitchen.

As I remember, she shoots his fire on his face. Oh, that's right, that's right. Maybe it's, can you be a pontoon that doubles as a house? Mm, pontoon house. Pantoon town. It's tough, there's actually a place called Cape Fear Boats. Like it's an actual place. Oh, it's okay.

What a weird movie to spin off for your business. Well, to place, Cape Fear of the Place. Oh, it's a place. Right, Carolina. Horrible name for a plate. Cape Fear just has a horrible connotation. When I think of Cape Fear, even though I've seen the movie a million times, I still think of sideshow Bob underneath the car.

I think the same thing. Yeah. Who wants to drive to the cactus field? No, that. Five against one. Down the sips, it was killer in the 90s. Well, I was going to say a joke, but I think I've done it before. For all the game.

Well, I've thrown out there. I'm Alzheimer's. Yeah, I think you're fucked up. Oh Damn it. That's the pills man the pills this is there's no free lunch in nature. I Can't I put what boat do they use in Cape Fear? I'm getting these Cape Fear boats. I can't get a Cape Fear film. Yeah, maybe both style. Oh Maybe that's something okay style. Oh, maybe that's something. Okay. Gravy boat style points. All right, all right. I'm dying. No, I think it's pontoon. Now there's the there's also canoe and kayak, but that's

a whole different thing. Right. What's the between a canoe and a Jew? A canoe to kids? It says houseboat. Oh, come on. Climax takes place aboard a houseboat. We got three houseboat. Yeah, I just think it is a houseboat because they had the kitchen, but some non-houseboats have a kitchen. They have a kitchen and some non-houseboats are bigger than my old apartment. Yeah. So, trying to think more houseboats now.

Yeah, that's probably another houseboat in a movie. It's got a movie. Probably a movie called Houseboat. Hmm. There's a boat trip. I think, uh, lethal weapon. I think there's a new livin' houseboat. Oh! Lisa Weapon. I believe you're right. I think, uh, lethal weapon. I think there's no living in a houseboat. Oh, Lisa Weapon.

I believe you're right. Lisa Weapon since 1958. Yeah, the first one was fun. Remember, he's crazy. Pops the shoulder out. He calls the Jews evil vaguely. I don't know. Lisa Weapon that well.

I know. Glover and peshy. And I remember I see I think I saw part three or four in the theaters. It was like a young youngster. That was a weird peshy role. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. you had blonde hair.

The whole thing was red. But it was later. That wasn't the original. He was used with four. There was sequel. Like deep sequels. Chris Roxton four. That's right.

Oh, oh, that I saw. They think I was like obsessed with rock. So I had a rock. I was like, I gotta go see rock. But we had another, I think he had a movie. Was there something in the trailer? We pulled the trailer where there was like I got to go see rock remember you had the another but I think he had a movie Was this something in the trail? We pulled the trailer where there's like a woman has a towel and it's a face cloth And they're supposed to wrap a towel around cuz you see the trail no for that will I remember there was a joke in the trailer About like throw a towel on he picks up a face cloth. Oh, oh, he's naked. Yeah, and he was hot. He would still hot then Mel or Danny?

I'm talking about rock. Oh. He was hot for, I don't know. He was never hot. He was never hot. His career was hot, maybe. Sure, he was cooking. Hot to trot.

Okay, interesting. Well, should we get into Toronto because you tease Toronto? Yeah, well, I'm now nervous about the Simpson's joke because I want to tell it, but I don't know if I've told it. Stick in my ass.

I know the Simpson's joke that I tell all the time. Okay, one of my favorite Mr. Burns good shots are the questioning everybody in the town, you know, to get some information. The cops are a equestering sequester. It's a quester. Okay, but that's not that. It's a question is keep by yourself.

Really? Yeah, it's a question. It is like, if you and I are on a jury, we have to keep each other separate. Oh, okay, okay. So they're interrogating. Yes. There we go.

Or what's the other one? Deposition, deposing? Hmm, Parker deposing. So, God, she's hot. There's one scene where they got Moe, Syslack up to a lie detector, and they go, where were you in the night of the 15?

I had a hot date. Eh. All right, dinner with friends. Eh. Dinner alone. Eh. All right, I was hoggling the women in the Victoria Secret Catalog.

Eh. Sears catalog. Ding. I mean, come on. That's good. I don't remember you telling that. Okay, okay. I love that joke because I picture the writers

who I'm going, we got to get sadder. We can go sadder right Sadder and I mean my favorite Simpson's joke ever is my favorite joke of all time when they're trying Marge is trying to convince Homer that his new friend is gay and she said Homer he prefers the company of man and Homer goes who doesn't That's number one for me. That is amazing. That is the best That's number one for me. That is amazing. That is the best. It's very funny because women are hard to phone. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's funny because it's true. There you go. Joke. Many lady friends. My father's a lady. Yes. Mine's prefers a company of men. I like balancing the microphone on my thumb. That's not bad. Can you go index? Wow, that takes a lot of strength and balance.

Well, I figure my own asshole. There you go, you could do it. This is hell of a pod. Here it is. Good pod. That was what happens when you do two in a day. I don't think Howard Stern ever did this. All right, so back to Toronto, which was teased.

Oh, Toronto. That was a cool thing about Lita Weapon 1, is they had a sting. You know a sting, like a... I know a sting. A music sting. Music sting. You know when they go, Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr phone sting. And it was a sting. Yeah, there's dusting and there's a sting the singer.

Sting the wrestler. Wrestler. Yeah, he was like ultimate warrior knockoff. He had like ultimate warrior face paint and blonde hair, but he was in the WCW, which I never watched. Yeah, the B squad. Yeah, I really did feel like that was the WNB8. Yeah, it was the history hyenas of Tuesdays with stories.

You got that right and come down. Take that jerk offs. Both gone. Yeah, we have lasted the bastards. Hey folks, Tuesday's with stories is brought to you by first leaf. Oh, we love a good old first leaf. We all have that one friend who drops in a town without notice. And when they do, I make sure to have plenty of wine on hand for all of us. That's why I love first leaf. As America's most personalized wine company, first leaf takes the worry out of buying quality wines.

Just create your personalized wine profile with first leafs, five minute quiz about your wine likes and dislikes. You'll then get your very own wine concierge who will curate a customized selection of delicious award-winning varieties from rosés to sparklings and everything in between. The hand-selected wines are delivered to your door with prices lower than what you'd pay at a wine store. You can even schedule your delivery day.

This is genius. I don't know where this has been. First leaf, you're saving my ass. My lady loves wine, she cooks. So I get to show up with the wine bottle nice and personalized just how she likes it. And we all have a great night. Get yourself some first leaf and keep it at the house folks. You're always ready. Every selection is back by first leaf, 100% satisfaction guarantee. I love reconnecting with friends and family over bottles of first leaf wine and I bet you'll feel that way too. So give first leaf a try and head over to firstleaf.com slash Tuesdays to sign up and say 50% on your first six to hand curated bottles plus shipping. Come on. This is gold. Also, who wants to

make a run of the wine store? Get it right to your house. That's T R Y F I R S T L E A F dot com slash Tuesdays to save 50% on your first six bottles plus free shipping. Try first leaf dot com slash Tuesdays. Tuesday's the stories is also brought to you by better help It is easy to get some consume with what other people need from you But what should you be doing for yourself? A lot of us don't take the time to figure that out that is where therapy comes in better helps online therapy Can give you the tools to find more balance in your life so you can keep giving to others and give yourself whatever you need for yourself.

I've been going to therapy. Most of my whole life, I went as an eight-year-old, I went as my 20s, I'm now in my 40s, I'm still going, trying to find a date right now because I got a busy schedule, but I love my therapist, I wanna, you know, I just wanna give him a big hug every time I see him. In fact, I do.

Better help is flexible and entirely online so you can easily fit into your schedule. Set your appointments around what's best for you since it's all online. You can do it anywhere. Whether that's your office, your couch, or even your bed. I've done therapy during the COVID, by the way. I was on the phone, I was walking around, I've done it on the streets, I've done it on the couch, I've done it everywhere you can do it. It's just good to hear somebody that cares about you.

Yes. To get started, just fill out a quick survey, get matched with your license therapist and switch therapists at any time for free. Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Tuesdays today, to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelpHELp.com slash Tuesdays.

Do it. It'll be good for you. So, we're back, Canada, the great white way up North, the Tundra, in Toronto, the six, they call it. The six? That's like an area code. That's what Drake calls it. He's from there. Blue area code horse. People got a problem an area code. That's what Drake calls it. He's from there. Blue area code.

People got a problem with area codes. Seven eight one baby. Five oh four boys. I got different holes in different area. Okay. Do you ever see him live? You never told me? Yeah. Yeah. Not good. Have we gone over this? All right. Um, I get it. All right, so go to Toronto, fly in, pick up and Buffalo, drive to Toronto, borders no problem. We get to Toronto, I check into my hotel, they put you up, but you know, you're doing a corporate, they put you up in the high it. It's real.

People forget Toronto is a booming metropolis. Huge city. Huge city. It's the New York of Canada, they call it. Oh, yeah. Um, so Toronto is cooking and it's sunny. It's I've only been there in the winter You know everybody's bundled up the snow is falling. It's fucking freezing in those areas. Well the summer's like four days long up there Exactly, so I've never caught it. I finally caught it the sun is shining as blue skies

I was like wow everybody's out the whole city's alive That it's cleaner. There's less hobos. You forget like, oh, this is a well-run town. Yeah. We're fucked. Yeah. So, I'm feeling good and I got my corporate. So I'm like, man, the last one went great. I'll just study up a little, I'll get my shit together, and then I get the text from the guy. You want to get dinner first. We're having a big dinner, and then we'll do the

show. And it's at this Italian restaurant called Soto Soto. Most famous Italian restaurant in the place, it's million dollar meal. I get there, the walls are just lined with Brad Pitt, Beyonce, Sting, all these giants, it's the spot. Wow, one so to. So the show is at nine, he goes, we're eating dinner at seven. Come if you want. The guy was super cool. And I go, wow, I'm texting with the main guy. And he's like, I'm a fan.

Let me know when you're coming up. So I walk up. I say, I'll be there at 7.45. Because I'm trying to get to the end of dinner. Yeah. Like, I'll give you some hang time, but I don't want to sit there with the whole crew. Sure. You know how it goes.

So I show up. He's waiting outside for me. Nice guy, no, my God, T-shirt and jeans. I was like, oh, great, cause you always feel bad, like should I dress up? So whatever, so he's cool, he goes, come on in. I got you a seat over here, you don't have to talk to everybody. I was like, he gets it. This guy's great.

He's like, I'll get you all the food. Well, I know you like to eat. I'll bring you food as it comes out. I know you like to eat. I know you love free food. I was like, you know me. He's like, I'll get you all the food. Well, I know you like to eat. I'll bring you food as it comes out. I know you like to eat. I know you love free food. I was like, you know me. He's like, I'm a big fan. Listen, all your pods.

I'll probably hear this. Oh, I'll keep it cool. I'm gonna say good things. Okay, well, it's gonna turn. It's gonna turn nice. Okay. So, one of these, you forget these fancy snazzy restaurants where everything's a zillion dollars.

The female staff is like bananas. It's all 11s. Yeah, they're all these hot Italian. It's like the coffee shop scene. Like, do you notice something similar with all these waitresses? They're my daughters. Yeah.

Well, these weren't daughters. It was a black one, a blue one, a brown one, and a white one. Wow. It's called a daughter. Yeah. And it was, woof, you're distracting. You're trying not to stare, but you're reading,

and whatever. And they're also nice and whatever. So he comes up, he's like, I love this, bityers, I love that bityers. And I'm like, I am gonna kill this. This guy is a huge fan, he's like rattling off bits. He's like, I listen, all your pods. I'm so happy you came, blah, blah, blah.

I'm like, oh man. I'm getting nervous. I'm picking out, I got leg of lamb, I got penne, I listen all your pods. I'm so happy you came, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh man. I'm getting nervous. I'm picking out, I got leg of lamb, I got penne, I got chicken par, he's putting tarimasu up my ass and all this. So mind you, I booked all this shit at the comedy bar around this corporate, you know, so the corporate, I go on at nine, 45 minutes set,

I'll be done by nine 45 Comedy bar show starts at 10, but I got a host in an opener So I can probably get there about you fucked a headlining show the same night as the corporate I wasn't thinking because usually a corporates at seven maybe eight right this is at nine So I was like I'll do a 10 o'clock show. I probably get there at 10.30 and be good. Okay. Which, because sometimes you just don't think. I don't think so.

Oh my, guys. So, a guy goes, all right, we're all upstairs eating. We're gonna finish eating, bring everybody downstairs, and we're gonna set up the room with chairs and a microphone and a speaker, and then you'll come up to 45 I'll bring it right up and I go you got it and just to be professional I'm looking at my notes. I'm listening to old sets. I'm looking at it's like a Fallon set or a Conan set

Just try to get it all memorized the jokes. He likes their old so He we go up there Nobody wants to sit up front. It's a whole thing, come on guys, here we go, there's about 50 chairs, come on, you pussy, they're all like noodling each other and headlocking, these are real bros. And there's a bar in the back, and it's actually a pretty good set up, low ceiling, little Italian restaurant, tight chairs.

I was like, this is gonna kill. He goes up and he goes, hey, they're going, hey, pussy bitch, fuck whatever you you do and they're yelling at him And it's all fun in games and I'm like these guys are lively. They're a good bunch of gags They're all hanging out and he goes up and he says some dumb thing like we're gonna have a hot show Bob Don't say anything. We know you got to read so they're like They're going up so like man this crowd is juiced up, they've been drinking, they're ready to go. I can't wait.

And I go just to make sure, before the show I go, no language restrictions. I mean, I'll hold back, I can go clean, whatever you need, he goes, all I want you to do is be yourself and do some crowd work at the end. Like, you know, that thing on Instagram where you get suggestions from the crowd, do that.

I love that. I was like, oh, all right, this guy is easy peasy. So of course, he goes up and he, every single time they do the, we got Mark Norman here, he's been on this, he's been on that. I'm a big fan. My kids love him. I love him. We watch him on YouTube.

Bob, Bob, Mark Norman. You know, the double name. Right. Every single double name. Because many just do the name at the beginning and then never again. That's true. They go, here he is.

Or whatever. So I've been kind of canutaling with a few of them just meeting people's shake and hands. So I go up and I'm so confident. And of course I get up and it goes, Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr the the feedback right away. Didn't do it with him by the way. I guess I got too close to the one Fisher Price speaker up in the corner. Well, he's a pro. Yeah, I know what he's doing.

He killed. So, so I go up and I'm like, and now it's eight minutes of me going like, is this better? Hold on. Was that all right? One guy's like, cut left. Move back. Push the thing. That's everyone's an AV expert. Yeah. As soon as he get up there. I'm like, eeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it's killing all this bullshit. And he's kind of fixing the thing and I go forget it. It's not gonna work.

So now the cord is hooked up to the one speaker. You know that whole. Oh, where's your, if you're pulled with the microphone the whole fucking time, it comes down. Exactly. So I'm taught, whoop, I got a tight rope from the speaker to my hand. Doesn't this, so no, I thought this was so no.

Well, it's so no, but they don't do live performances. They couldn't have done a long flat noodle. Well, that's what I said. The whole time I'm like, you guys are all millionaires. This restaurant costs $9 billion to rent. You couldn't get a fucking Sony or whatever. Oh, my goodness. What do we do in here?

And they only check it right then. They never go, we're gonna do, we're gonna see if the mic works. Right. It's a lot of this anything What do you think Jeff is this working? Can you hear me back there? You know so they get to see all that so that's that's embarrassing so finally about eight minutes in painful I'm like all right. I'm going in a material here. We go this guy loves my stuff and Here's the worst part. He does his thing, brings me up and sits in the front row directly in front of me like this.

Like, here we go, baby. They always do that. Yes! Go to the back. I don't want anyone I've ever met in my life within 300 yards of me. Exactly. And you're hiring me.

You're paying me a lot of money, by the way, to do this corporate gig. I gotta just let you down, you know, but in his mind, he's like, I've seen you kill, do it. He's like, do the thing you do. And they don't realize it's not just that. It's like, well, the audience sucks.

They're not laughing. So I'd go, any joke you had to like, set up and kind of present to them, they were out. You know, if you go like, so my roommate, they're like, roommate, what? But if I go, hey, Jeff's a homeowner, like, now we're talking. Well, that's the thing is they get used to that. That's what they want.

It's like, I don't want an observation. I want you to call Jeff a homo. Right, right. You go to a homo. Yeah, you're like, so Uber's weird. And they're like, what, there's no Uber here. What are you talking about? They can't put themselves in an Uber.

They couldn't sit and listen long enough. And I mean, I was bombing hard hard like drops of sweat slower back, chap lip, dry mouth, so uh and then what dogs are weird because they they uh they shake off the fur and dander uh you know and you start forgetting bits and you forget bits. I forget everything. I got the timer forget about it and Never forget so the guys in the front going why aren't you doing? The the funny stuff why are you doing the lab and I and I could see on his face like what are you doing man? You're blowing it like like I'm not doing stand-up I'm doing stand up But it's all dying and then he goes He goes oh he's gonna give me this shit like and I go all right

So I do one of the bits that he likes okay, and that bombed and I know that's not good But it gave me hope like do you see you see this is not me now right? But he's still like why are you doing it? It's always them Well, it's the situation. It's not that if the jokes work the jokes work I know but I get I get it from both sides because I get you have to set up a crowd and and present it and and riff a little and then slide into it here They there are some professional moves here, but I think the fact that he said, I love your stuff, just do this joke through that joke,

I thought I could coast. So I kept trying more jokes. I should have just been like abort, hey buddy, you call that a wife? I should have just gone into that. But I couldn't because I kept, I was getting screwed up because I was like, all right, he liked, I'll do this joke.

All right, that didn't work. I'll do this joke, that didn't work. I'll do it and it just,, that didn't work. I'll do this joke. That didn't work. I'll do it. And it just, they just didn't care and it fell flat. And so now one guy goes, you're doing great, which totally crushes you because you're already dying, you're already alone up there, you're already outnumbered. And so not only am I bombing, but they're aware I'm bombing and they're commenting on

it and kind of being mean. But whatever, people are leaving, they're trickling out. You know, you see the staff in the back of the bar, like, ugh poor bastard. It's basically like, it feels like you're just taking a beating. Like you ever got to a fight at school where your friends getting beat up and you feel like you have to jump in,

but you know if you do his friend will jump in, you're like, I kind of just got to take a beating here. That's what it felt like. I'll just take this. And how long did it have to do? I did 45, but I ended up doing like 58, because I was trying to get him. Yeah.

And it was so bad, and they can see the sweat. I'm doing a lot of this. And eventually I go, all right, give me a topic to talk about. Give me something to talk about, you know, this guy wanted the the ending to be the whole Q&A thing like body rate Let's give them something to talk about oh Yeah, body rate would have gotten more laughs. So I go give me a topic and one guy goes when's the show over? And I go that's cool. I know it'sHHHHH! That's cold! I know, it's a funny one! I know!

I know! That's funny! That got a half-lab and half-like... Ooh, shit! Does she have a podcast? Cuz I can partner up with this fella! That I can work with! That's cold!

That wasn't on the pre-approved list of jokes the guy liked, but it worked! When's the show over? Yeah! That's... That's... That's money! That's perfect! It's cold and I go,

I'm with ya, buddy! I wanted to end, too! I'm dying up here! And that's kind of It's gold and I go, I'm with you buddy. I want it to end too. I'm dying up here. And that's kind of getting something. So then I'm like, give me something, give me a news story. And one guy goes, cause they're all real estate guy. One guy goes, interest rates.

And I go, are you fucking nuts? What the hell am I supposed to do with interest rates? I don't know what interest, I'm a person of interest. I'm not interested. I had nothing here. So I'm like, shut up Bud Light, or Spy Balloon, or Biden, something. Yeah.

Nothing. The guy is furious, he's steaming, and he's not only mad, but he's embarrassed, because he's like, you're fucking me in front of my friends. I know, I know this feeling. I get it. Yeah. You gotta see a live baseball game, and then you go,

and it's like nothing, nothing, and hate, and you're like, I'm sorry a live baseball game and then you go and it's like nothing nothing And you're like, I'm sorry. Well, this was rained out and Coase I can say go got fucked in the ass on center field because this was beyond a bad game this was wild and Baby G So I just go well this was terrible and I panic and I go you don't have to pay me if you don't want to and that kind of huge laugh And so now I'm like shit am I gonna get paid but either way I go okay You're supposed to end like a big laugh and I don't know if that's gonna happen and I pulled out every stock line every

Hack joke everything nothing was working because I was your bomb your bomb That's what it is. You're in that hole and you pull out a fucking Richard prior joke and they're like, you're done. No, I mean, I just had this in Orlando. Same thing. Really? Yeah, I told you.

Ah, I still have the timer. I'm just visualizing all the same stuff I had. It's horrible. The sweat dropped. The whole thing, you're fucked. You're fucked. And not to mention, I'm like, nothing there. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I give it back to the head guy. I run downstairs, you know, it's that feeling of like, trauma, you're like, oh, you're shaking,

you're weird, you're fucked up. And I just get an Uber, and I look at my watch, it's 10.30. I won't wait too long because they started late. They started like a half hour later, 40 minutes late. It's 10.30, so I get in my Uber and the phone and just going, where the fuck are you? This is the guy who runs the club as the manager

This is the waiter. This is the agent. This is the manager. Whatever was the opener. Oh, this is giving me like heartburn an asshole And apparently getting out of Toronto downtown as I get out of DC It's all wiggly wind as a million lights. It's Thursday night. Everybody's out and I'm just telling everybody stall stall Don't like the features of Porsche on Murphy must have done an hour and a half I show up. The audience. I know poor bastards. I think Murphy's hilarious.

I feel bad. This is like two weeks in a row. You know Murphy and I was like, oh Murphy's the man. hilarious. Killer guy. Very, very funny. You know, handsome. But we get to I get to the bar.

I run right in. It's a great room. This Toronto comedy bar and everybody's super nice. And the guys like, come on, come on, come on. And then they light him and they always do that. You cool to go right up. I'm like, yeah, whatever. I've been through the gulag back there.

So I go up and it's the hottest crowd of all time. Oh, thank Christ. Well, those are your people. That's my people. All the people were there. They weren't at the other thing. These corporate events, I said I'm doing one in a couple of months I'm shredding it

It's like you want to just be like just send me the money and play my tape. I know But your videos online for free right good point. Yeah, it's tough cuz they're picturing You in there going and I'll tell you that the duck fell out of his bag and they all go high five and hug, and they blow the other guy, they blow the guy who hired you. You know what it's like, it's almost like, because they don't realize when they see video of you or hear audio, it's in the most ideal situation. You're just commenting so much.

Yes. So then they think they can take you out of that and put you in any situation. It's almost like taking, you know, Pedro Martinez watching him pitch and be like, I'm starting an underwater baseball league. Will you come and then you're like, how come you're only throwing four miles an hour

and it goes right to the ground? That's good, it's good. You're like, because I'm not in the right atmosphere. Yes, yes, great analogy, but it's something. It's something, it's kind of like if you took Conor McGregor and just put him in a Walmart and just go do your thing and he's like And then everybody's like what the fuck's up with this guy and you're like no, no, he's great at this

But it's the wrong setting right bad setting bad Setting bad setup and bad punchline so I've even heard from the guy I ran out of there Oh, he wasted a lot of money on me, I guess, but you wanna just go, oh shit. At one point, that was a big slam. That was a grand slam. When I went to the bathroom,

his door was like wide open. I was like, oh that's, I mean, you can't leave a door open. So, but you wanna go, because the guy before I was eating all the free food, putting it down, it was wolfing penne. And and he goes so I hear you're doing a Netflix soon I'm like, yeah, yeah, he's like are we gonna get some of that? And I was like I'll do the whole thing if you want and he's like oh shit

And I now I have no faith in the Netflix, but you already shot that I shot it But it's you want to just go now watch that later when it comes out, please. Yes, of course because this isn't all On me some of it's on me. Because this isn't all on me. Some of it's on me because I should have gone off book and just rift with them. Man, I guess. But yeah, I don't know what to do, but I hope to check clear,

and I hope the guy doesn't hate me, and I'm not allowed in Toronto. Well, I think these corporate gigs, what they should do, they should rent out a club. They have money, they're corporations. Go rent comedy bars. That's not bad.

And do the show there, it would still be tricky so be sure any time you perform a group of one group yes yes difficult that's the great thing about com is like you have to mix the groups it's the same as if you ever do the show I mean I know you have but like when we used to do shows where it's like in a function hall and everybody's with their group yes like the family's here the Jones families family's here. You have to mix. Yeah. Because that way you're making like 12 individual tables left. Exactly.

You're trying to make one company laugh. Yeah, I mean, you don't be ideal, but they'll never do this because it doesn't behoove them. But what if they did a corporate and then I got to tweet about it and give me like 30% of my people? There you go. We're cooking. That's not bad.

But then they're like, now I'm feeding your food. Exactly. We have a hundred dollars steak over here for, you know, beef, gookin'. I would take half the money and pay for their tickets. That's how brutal those bombs are. Yeah. Because as I always say,

I think I've said this before, I don't remember. Probably. As I always say, you can see them sitting there going, ah, this guy's bad. This guy is really bad. You know. It's the worst feeling.

You just want to say, I'm good. I swear to God. I swear to God. And then you start doing the shit where you go, ah, I did that on tonight show, fuck you. And then you're getting angry at him and they're like, whoa, I'm not laughing. Why is that my fault?

I feel that way upstairs of the stand all the time. In the bathroom. You just want to be like, here's my 401k. Here's my resume. This is my tonight's show. Exactly, I don't know the 401k, but I don't know what that is. I don't either. I think that's when your job sends some of the money

to a retirement. Does that understand that right? Or it's 401 kills. You work for a company and then they take a piece of your money and they put it in a big work thing and everyone gains interest together. And then you sit on it and get a lot of money money and they put it in a big work thing and everyone gains interest together. And then you sit on it and get a lot of money when you're old.

I think you can, I think that you could do a 401k yourself right now though. You can do it. You can just do it yourself. You can go to your tax guy and be like, let's pay into my 401k. Oh, so what is it then? I think it's a nest egg or an investment for later. Yeah, I have a separate IRA. What's that? That's similar, but I think that's less 401, I think it's a nest egg or an investment for later. Yeah, I have a CEP IRA, what's that? That's similar, but I think that's less,

401, I think is millions. Oh. So you're at a year in a non-million investment, which is fine. That's still better than 99% of the country. Right. So you're a one percenter. There you go, all right, I'll take it.

Yeah, you go, two percent milk. But we're doing the app, sorry, not to go off an array, but the country's got 375 million people. So 1% of that is like 3 million people, right? Yeah, well, so it's like, you think of the 1%, you kind of think of like 12 guys. Oh, yeah. But it's like 3.7 million people are in the 1%.

There's a lot of 1%ers. Yeah, I was looking at this up last night actually. It's weird. It is weird. Yeah. It's between 3 and 4 million is 1%. Yeah. I was thinking that you travel, and I've talked about this up last night actually. It's weird. It is weird. Yeah. It's between three and four million is one percent. Yeah. I was thinking that you travel, and I've talked about this before too, but you always travel,

you can see all the houseboats. Yeah. Yeah. You see at all. There's just y'all. Man, it's everywhere you go. There's just huge houses. You're like, this is a lot of fucking wealthy people.

Oh yeah. That's three million. Totally, totally. And even if you're in downtown LA or whatever the fuck, maybe not downtown LA, that's the zombie land. But if you're in Santa Monica driving around, that's not even if you're in downtown LA or whatever the fuck, maybe not downtown LA, that's the zombie land. But if you're in Santa Monica driving around, that's not considered Beverly Hills, it's still millions of dollars.

These homes are millions and millions and everything has gone up. Silver Lake, you can't get a home for less than two million dollars. Oh, LA, the size of this fucking studio is $7 million. Yeah, it's crazy. Say it with New York, Brooklyn. I'm trying to buy. It's a nightmare. Yeah, we're all fucked.

Well, last night I looked up the median income for the US. What do you think it is? It's gotta be low. 54,000. 38. 70,784 dollars. Oh, that's good.

Isn't that way higher than you expected? Yeah, that's right. Well, also, the 1% is lower. It's weird. Like 1% is like 200 grand a year. It's not like a billion dollar. That's true, yeah. It's weird. Like 1% is like 200 grand a year. It's not like a billion dollar. That's true, yeah. It's weird.

Yeah, but so, but if you live in Youngstown, Ohio or Sioux Falls, South Dakota, you make it 70K, you're doing all right. Oh yeah, I don't think they make 70Ks. Unless they're like working from home at a, whatever, 401K. I think the highest medium income is Massachusetts. Oh, yeah.

That's a shocker. I think so, yeah. I always thought like Maryland Connecticut. I always thought were like the wealthiest Connecticut. Yeah, that's a big one. Well, Connecticut though, it's like the people don't live there. They just have houses there or they pay taxes there instead of paying on the upper east or whatever.

Smart. I always think that's like, I was talking about last week when I had the breakfast on the upper east. You're like $60 for breakfast, but the people that live on the upper east side make $375,000 an hour. Right. So they're just like, yeah, $60 for breakfast. What do you want from me?

I know, but it's still, it's still bad news because you're like, we have to have some semblance of a, of a medium price for breakfast. We're living in a society. Yeah, like, I can go to a diner and get eggs for $8, in a pancake, in a coke, in a whatever, in a coffee, in a hash brown, and then you go up here and it's 60. So you're like, what are we doing here? By the way, even the people listening

in the middle of the country are like, $8 for eggs. Ah, yeah, that's true. You go to Wyoming, it's like a buck and a half for an egg. Yeah, I remember Costa, what's that guy's name? Michael Costa, good egg, MK. He was always like, $18 for the smoothie. This is not normal.

And we were all like, yeah, it's New York. And he's like, no, don't brush this off. This is insane. He's like, I don't want to live here. Well, there's a lot of normalized shit. It's talking to like a crazy pocket. I mean, like you walk out in this like 10th city. live here. Well, there's a lot of normalized shit. It's talking to like a crazy pocket. I mean, like, you walk out in this like tent city. You go to DC, there's tent cities in the capital of America.

Oh, yeah. How is this okay? Everyone's like, wow, it's crazy, yeah. You're like, where it's supposed to be the wealthiest country of all time? Well, we are in some parts. But then the other thing is you bring up the tent city and people go, easy, 1% right wing,

KKK. I'm like, I'm just noticing this. REI has got a setup out here. It's bananas. I'm like, can we maybe do something, take care of something? I don't know, whatever. Well, it's the last thing I'll say.

I don't want to normen dies, but remember during COVID, we can- No, what are you gonna say? We housed, we have, elephant never forgets. We housed all these people,

and then when COVID ended, we let them go, and you're like, oh, so we could do it. Oh yeah, I think so. Yeah. Well, Houston's, I mean, this is just off the rail, but Houston, they fixed homeless because they just built a bunch of buildings, but we have all these zoning laws.

In Texas, it's lawless. So like a cowboy comes in with a 10 gallon hat and three rifles or a hit. What do you even call these revolvers? Pistol. And he goes, build a goddamn house over there. So we don't have these goddamn son of a bitches lane. And they build it and they go, this guy's a hero.

And he goes, 10, 4, audio, so whatever. Gally goo. But in New York, it's a bunch of creeps and skinny hats and jeans and whatever. Skinny hat even. And they go, well, we can't build over there because you need red tape and other things. You're gonna hate red tape.

Give me a duct tape for masking. It's all pipes. Pipes, Jerry. So I don't know what's what, but they shut down the hospitals and now we got dogs and cats sleeping together. Mass hysteria. It's no good.

All right, well, I'm moving. I'm moving, I'm packing up and I'm moving. I'm going to New Jersey. And I don't think there's any role living in Jersey. Connecticut, fuck it. Go nuts. Yeah, I want a big house, a big apple pie, green grass, stars, and then you know, I'll drive two and a half hours to do a set at the stand.

That's the problem though, is like, I know a couple guys who are like, I'm moving to Philly, fuck this crazy. I'm like Philly, I'll never see you again. I'm like, it's an hour and 20. I know a couple guys who are like I'm moving a Philly fuck this crazy I'm like Philly. I'll never see you again. I like it's an hour and 20. I'll come in every day. Haven't seen him since that was 1988 right Yeah, it's scary Yeah, but you get older you want to know this is what I have I'm always like I want I want to move you remember that I Want to move to I want to move to New Jersey I want a house and a driveway and and I go to move you remember that I want to move to I want to move to New Jersey I want a house and a driveway and and I go to the beach

Then you start thinking about the ins and out packing up my stuff and leaving my kick-ass apartment All my neighbors and you're like I can't do it. You got a pretty good up there I got a pretty good. I got Ron out above me clumping around. I got Stephen Caitlin I got Shavon right around the corner. I got a pretty good I got Ron out above me clumping around I got Stephen Katelyn. I got Shavon right around the corner I got Grove 34's Stroll hotbed of comedy activity, which thanks me up when you did it So right down the street. I got hit up by so many queives that I was just like I'm blocking the the doors I'm batting down the hatches. I thought we were close Four blocks away. We weren were close unbelievable very close proximity

Oh I was off to I had people over I had three four people in the backyard. I did the set I went home I didn't even didn't even hang well. That's a little hurtful. I'm sorry. I'm always saying hey. I'm at the seller That's true. That's true and you go no. No. I don't care for your company That's all right. I like for the company I've been well I got other friends I don't think you up I don't remember I don't remember anything yeah you forgot my number Hey folks twosers stores brought you by she I mean do we have to tell you how much we love sheath we cover it every week I guarantee I'm wearing them right now just gonna gonna double check. Oh, yeah, baby hugging the

Cuts. I'm gonna say it was whoa. I got different ones. Oh, yeah, but hey still sheet Colorado ones. I don't know what that means But they're blue and white as a sea on the bottom. It says Well, yeah, I got similar ones. They just sent me a new batch. Yeah, I love a batch. Yes, bring it on sheet We love you. It gets hot in Australia and I make sure I keep my thunder down under. I'm going to be stocked up on Sheath underwear. That ain't that the truth. Sheath underwear is the two pouch underwear. You know and love one pouch for your didgeridoo and one for your koalas. And I got Climidia. It keeps things separated. So you'll feel nice and dry no matter how hot it gets out there Throw another shrimp on my asshole sheet thunderware comes and tons of cool patterns to help keep you

Looking good and feeling comfortable. We love sheath wearing them right now What more do you need my suitcase is locked and loaded for The big Aussie and it's loaded with sheet. They're overflowing. I Can't get enough of these things finally enjoy the heat without your dick stuck to your leg. Go to sheet.com, sheathunderwear.com, and use code 2's gays to get 20% off your first order. Plus, sheath underwear is 100% money back guarantee. You call that a cock?

That's sheathunderwear.com promo code 2's gays. Sheathunderwear.com promo code twos gaze sheath underwear dot com promo code twos gaze support the show and support your balls Folks prices are going up on everything these days ain't that the truth including my rent Coffee gas food. You like city nightmare. Everything is more except expensive except for high quality sound With Raycon wireless earbuds Everything is more expensive except for high quality sound with Raycon wireless earbuds. Raycon is premium audio at the perfect price so you don't pay out the ear for quality sound and smart tech features.

With high quality earbuds under 80 bucks, you can keep a backup pair at home or get your best gal a matching set for a song. Get a pair and a spare and still pay less than you would with those other big name tech brands. You know who we're talking about. Oh yeah. With by now, pay later options in easy and free return guarantee and free domestic shipping

and flat fee international shipping. Raycon earbuds are the easy choice. With over 50,000 five star reviews, that's insane. You'll love your Raycon earbuds as much as I love mine. With the everyday earbuds eight hours of play time, that's crazy, crystal clear quality. That's hard to say, crystal clear call quality. I guess it was easier that time.

And custom gel tips for the perfect, most comfortable in-ear fit, you can take these babies anywhere. Whether I'm in a plane or on the plane or on the subway or in the back of a handsome cab, Raycon's earbuds help me block out everything and anything, including my wife, you happen. Go to buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays today. Get 15% off your

Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays to score 15% off by Raycon.com slash Tuesdays. Here, here. But, um, but anyways, I got to move. Oh, this is big time. This is a big thing coming here. I got a big story. We time. What time we got what time we at we're at like 46. Oh, okay? Well, I got a couple stories. First I got to hit you with the big news The big news big news. No news is good news. I have to move soon Because I need another bedroom for my son

Shut the fuck up my son Jerry what are you adopting a dog my wife's got a big nut Nurt a half a baby her tips you I'm not kidding who not I'm not kidding I'm sitting on this The windows doctors in the last episode the over I was at the doctor in the over I was at the doctor every day seconds. I was at the doctor today. I saw a hand a foot the whole thing abortion king October 29th new list coming at you Believe it. He's I'm not gonna blow because I don't buy it. I'll show you a photo I'm not gonna blow because I don't buy it. I'll show you a photo. Oh my god. Wait a second photo I've known you 38 year. I never went kids. I'll flush you down the toilet

I'll throw my wife down the stairs kids are the worst look at that guy the fuck is going on Is that something I don't want it on the camera I don't want it on the camera Glory is gonna fuck us we're gonna get fired Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? This is insane. Is this wild? This is the Kennedy assassination? It's Pearl Harbor No, I heard a slam. Oh, geez. Is that is that Doug Kees kid? What's going on here? Did you steal a photo? Wow, we've been trying for years Lost that's why she was at the wedding. Hold, it's all out there now, it's all pipes.

She's blowing up, she's got a fat ass, huge tits. My father's gay, she couldn't come to the wedding. What the fuck? We had like, we had like three of them, they die on the vine these kids. We had to do some IVF, some needles, and some haze, and some science, this baby costs more than you got for that corporate King. I'll tell you that. Wow. It's wild. So I got to pack up. I got to move to New Jersey. I'm never gonna see you guys again. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're keeping it.

Okay, he's got his foot sticking out. Are you kidding? He's gonna cock the size of my father. He told me you never want kids and I thought she never wanted kids. Well, she always wanted kids. I didn't want kids back in the day But then Alan better help calm Yeah, well, I can't believe you saved this do we have 11 seconds left? No, we got 14 minutes 14 minutes. This doesn't even cover the the knocking up You'll be over this in 90 seconds Moving on to something else will be at Chipotle talking about cancel culture you kidding? I already forgot what we're talking about It's a big deal big big hoof, big whoop. June 6th, she's doing...

This is unreal. I'm speechless. I'm blown. I'm blown. I'm beyond blown. I've been sitting on this for three years. I'm eating out, I'm an old. Well, before you know, you'd have it, it was pregnant.

She was pregnant a bunch of different times. Wow. Seven, different times. Wow. Seven, eight times. But she's 95 years old. So you got to do some science. We had to get in the lab and really cook up some stuff. You hear about Rosebud? Oh yeah. Well, we've been going through it together. The whole thing. Because she's prego. I don't know if this is,

but I've only announced it. Yeah. But she did the Invitro, whatever, Metriosis, whatever Greek guy, and it didn't take, and then they ended up banging, and she got pregnant, just randomly. I know, I think that's the way it works, because you get all juiced up. I know about nine people that have done this

in vitro business. This is out of my mind. And then they have a kid, then they fucking, they got a second kid right on top of the other kid. It's wild. Wild, wild, wild. Father's days coming up. I know father a father Jerry. Yeah, I mean Alan. I always say to be a great dad Proud of excited. I'm blown. Well, by the way, you better get your ladies eggs frozen or get to work because it ticks away

She's 31. Oh, okay, that's young. Yeah, we get to five, I think. You get their card. Just go straight down. She's 31. Yeah, not bad, huh? She was 50. Well, she smoked. But, oh, kidding.

By the way, she was pregnant. Last time we played Cornhole, what do you call it? Pickleball, I felt terrible. She was, she was eating shit. I wanted to be like, she's got a baby in her, she can't breathe. Yeah, well, you gave her the pickle. I had the text to you guys and be like, I'm sorry, my wife was a little off, butikip wreath. Yeah, well you gave her the pickle I had the text you guys and be like I'm sorry my wife was a little off

But that's why she wasn't couldn't come to the wedding because we had she had to be down there They had to be like look at her pussy to see if it's opening wow. I could have done that. Yeah, all right It was a whole thing. Holy moly. This is beyond big. This is the biggest break of all time on this pie Big app we so We just came from there We had the hand and the thing and then sixty dollars for breakfast. I said I'm pregnant your piece of shit I kicked him out of the store wow Preg go I'm terrified on the oven. I'm terrified. I got no money if join the patreon now Please forgot sending baby clothes a crib and a rattle. Yeah, we're gonna. We'll register for the kids

Yes, yes, oh my gonna, we'll register for the kids. Yes, yes. Oh my God, so talk me through it. I mean, what got, how'd she convince you? You can see everything I, kids are stupid. I hate kids, I'll kill a kid. I hate, I like pedophiles. Give it to me. Well, we got to delete every episode of the podcast.

Ever when this kid comes out, because I can't be on a playground with this. They're gonna be like, that's the pedophile guy. Yeah, yeah. Or whatever. And I'm allowed near the swings. Well, of course, I've always loved kids. I just do a lot with this. That's the pedophile guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm allowed near the swings. Well, of course, I've always loved kids. I just didn't want a kid,

but that what happens is, with your family growing up, for me, I don't want to get too deep here and dark. But your family, all I've ever been taught or shown is like, kids ruin your life, you get divorced, everyone's divorced,

you have no money, you have no freedom, you don't get to go to the bar, you don't get to travel, my life is ruined, we shouldn't have had you, boy, it was a sacrifice. Everyone's miserable. Yes. And then you talk to people, Allen,

or Dave Walsh, shout out, who are like, like, it's the best thing that ever happened. What are you talking about? They're like, it's the greatest joy ever. And what are you crazy? You love kids, you're a kid, you're a big child. So then you go, oh, right, I was just fucked up from my family going, well, we don't get to do anything.

We got a kid. So then you go, no, you just do it. You just do all the things you want to do. Wow. You know, you go, maybe we'll do that. So then we started doing it, and this was back in like 2019. What?

Geez, I feel like since then, you've said that kids. I don't know the hell. I don't remember. I'll save it for off the podcast. I was gonna ask you about this. I suspected. You suspected a long time. Stop it.

I did it. I felt nothing. Over. Stop it. How did you do that? I felt nothing. Over the past couple of years. I don't want to do the podcast, but we'll talk later. Well, you know, time crud. But I'm congratulations. Thank you. Very excited.

I know you're like touching, but I have to ask you. I have to ask you what's going on. This is as a friend. Yeah. I'm overwhelmed. I'm joyful. I'm beaming. Well, you got to come over and see the kids.

I can't wait and lend me money and really help out. You're good. Help with the mortgage. I'm scared'm beaming well you got to come over and see the kid I can't wait lend me money and really help out a good Help with the mortgage. I'm scared to death by the way these young kids the whipper snappers with the tic-tocks It's terrifying. Hey, I 300 million jobs the next 10 years gonna go away Everyone's addicted their phones my father's gay. It's the best time to be alive in the worst time You know, it's like we have all these great resources and everything, but it's also like suicide, depression, anxiety, fucking fentanyl, it's all this horrible shit. It's scary in the ticket sales, Jerry, they text you,

they go, they got 11 tickets sold, I'm like, I got a son in a mortgage and my father, my insurance and every doctor's visit, by the way, it's $5,000. Of course, of course, I gotta hook you up with Seinfeld. He's got some big advice. Oh, please, I'll take it. Because he's like, I get it.

It's scary, we're comedians. He's like, I went through it. Here's everything you need to know. He's got a booklet on this shit. So. It's interesting, a lot of people too are hilarious. They'll be like, it's the best. All right.

They're like, you're gonna love it. I'm with my son Monday through Wednesday. Then my wife takes him and I'm like, well, I don't think it's gonna be like this. Not for a couple of years anyway. We're not the four kids. People love to say that. I know.

I've had four different guys be like, it's awesome. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, then the weekends you're free. And I'm like, well, that's not, yeah. I'm trying to do that. But people make it work, big J, go man. The whole skanks have kids. And they're all like 31.

Next true, I know. Ooh, if Mark has a kid, little gays can really happen. Oh, there you go. I'll pick my kid, go, I'll just grab his arm and then go. Yeah, that'll be fun. It's exciting, it's terrifying. Oh, this is huge. This is big news, baby.

I want to do the Elaine. Get out. Well, I thought about that. It's Kennedy assassination, Pearl Harbor. Yes, yes. It stands up. Let me to do the Elaine get out. Well, I thought about that Kennedy assassination Pearl Harbor. Yes. Yes, it stands up Let me see we got some champagne no champagne no champagne, but I know something Wow Wow, and I threw the dog key one at you. You must have jittered a little. I know it's hard I'm like well, it is the season whatever

It's a lot going on, but it's crazy. I got stories too, because I had to jerk off in a cup. And the first time I went there, I went to the Spring Fertility, which is, it's all comedians over there, but. Oh, how about that? Spring Fertility Clinic, you go there. It's literally, they have like five comedian clients.

Everyone I know is over there. Wow. There's Casey Balsham is in there. Oh. Some people you can't name, because it's like, it's like a comedy lineup. It looks like Allen's office. Wow. It's all name, because it's like, it's like a comedy lineup. It looks like Allen's office. Wow.

It's all women, because these women, they try to have a career. Yes. And then they're 37 and then they go, yeah, you got nothing but dust and fucking snake skin in here. Yeah, it's fighter webs. So you go, by the way, also you go, and you know, we're struggling the whole thing,

and then you go, I have the worms. Huh? The varicose veins in my balls. You remember that, right? I remember that, but is that effect a babe? It can affect your sperm count. So this is how much it sucks to be a woman. I go, well, I do have varicokale, assassinly.

I don't know how you say it. I assassinly is triangle. And because we're sitting there, the two of us. And I'm like, maybe it's me. I got balls, worms. And they go, no, it's her. They're like, that'll take you from 15,000 sperm down to 10,000.

Okay, okay. But eggs, these things are good for about 10 minutes. Damn. So you got to freeze them and scoop them and put them in the refrigerator, whatever. Your whole life, your food's gonna taste better. The air is fresher. This is, I mean, there will be hell.

You know, you know, you know, you know, sleep, the sleep the crying the shitting the wiping, you know, the thing falls over You know you freak out. My dad told me when the baby they gave me to him and they go he might stop breathing at night So just watch out for that. He's like what the fuck you do to me Yeah, well the wiping is fine. It's the sleep and the being gone is what's gonna be gone a lot That's tricky. Two things, because I was always with you. The kids, I'll punt them down a football field, fuck this fetus.

But two things got me. One guy said, he, Dr. Hannum the baby, and he said, your life begins now. Which is a little much, but I hurtful. I know, right? All the credits and living my dream, whatever, moving to New York. My life's half over, also. That's true's true my son's my age I'll be dead

Maybe some AI I'll pop in maybe some some okay Biology they'll kick up with the technology, but also bill burrow her on a podcast Somebody goes they see if you have a baby now and he goes yeah, I should have done this 10 years ago It's the best thing ever happened to me and I'm ever hearing Bill Burst say that and being like, that's pretty good. She would have done it 10 years ago. He's like, I wasted so much time not being with this thing that I'm obsessed with. Right.

I could have had it 10 years ago, but I was a dumb retard during comedian trying to make it. Right, well, I tried, but what can he do? It didn't work until now, so it's exciting. And this one's really sticking in there. Wow, we got, I mean, we can discuss names, we can discuss, I mean, cause I'll be having one, I don't know, in a year or two.

Yeah. So that's pretty close, they can pile up. Well, yeah, when they're first born, it's like, there'll be nowhere near, be crazy, one's eight months, and one's a newborn. He's like, this is like a retarded nothing. Right. But then when they're two and three,

that's fine. That's buddies. That's buddies. And then when they're two and three, that's fine. That's buddies. That's buddies. And then when they're our age, they're our age. Wow. I'm never like, wow, you don't really understand Mark. I'm 18 months older than you. Right.

I've got six. I've got, once you're 10, you're the same age. Yeah, but we got to get a shot of me and you, putting two fat, chubby toddlers and diapers right in front of side-filled felt put on the big race. That'll be big. That's gonna be fun. But yeah, so I went to the this is unreal.

The clinic spring fertility and you gotta go jerk off in the cup which is scary and I'm not really a porn guy. They have the porn in there. Yeah, that's awkward. And it's awkward because I spent half the time trying to choose a porn. I've never looked at porn. I'm like reading glasses, you know, Elmo Fudge. Elmo, what's his name?

Elmo Fud, Elmo Fud, porn, Elmo Fudge. This is a great gay actor. He's a great gay porn star. Elmo Fudge. He's so fucking glad. I think he takes it in. That's a title.

So I'm trying to find, you know, the right thing for like 20 minutes and then you hear like a knock but it's like here, like someone's knocking the next door and I'm like, oh no, I'm in here, I'm still good. Crazy. And I really, this is not even my door but then I do this, this is like so embarrassing. So you jerk off, you put it in the cup,

then you tape the name on it, put the screw thing, then you put it in the little window, you flip that, it's like a bodega, you flip it around and you stamp it. Wow. But then I just walked out because I didn't know what to do. So I walked out into the lobby.

And I was like, Hey, I'm good. They were like, can I just be out here? Like you're supposed to stay in there. You're supposed to pull your pants up. It was like, whole thing. I was like, yeah. And there's like women, pregnant women like waiting there. And I just walk out and I'm like, Hey, I finished I'm like, get a weird. And they had to come and be like, sir, it was like a escape to silent person. Right. Right. That's a very bad guy. And like, stay stay put don't come out of there ever again. I'm like. I'm sorry Wow so weird is just hundreds of guys doing that every day all day in that room It's all dudes in there they have the point is like a little condom on the remote and then the side to go second time Wow and the second time I went there was no porn was literally like Disney Plus, which I thought was hilarious. Yeah, that's good for some guys. Disney Plus and like, they had Paramount Plus and Disney Plus

and like, can I get the Mickey Mouse Club? That'll help me finish quicker. Literally no porn. So I ended up watching porn on my phone. That's smart. With, you know, Carmen Sandiego in the background. I couldn't think of a Disney show. The warrant. What's the name of a Disney show. The warrant.

What's the name? What's the one? Diego. Oh, Dora. Dora is poor. Yeah, she's cute. Couldn't think of her. Wow.

I mean, you know you're blowing when I didn't even, I don't want, I still don't know if I buy it all the way. Oh, it's bought. Baby, it's bought. Signed sealed delivered. In fact, here's my mother texting, because you know we went to the doctor today. Wow. I assume what she's saying here.

You know what's funny is we sit and we bitch me and you we go to these lunches we walk around the park and we talk about all the little intricacies and the gossip and the drama and the horseshit and the numbers and the business. This just puts it all in perspective. You go at this is what it's all about. You're bringing a human being into the earth. Your wife's old, this kid is, you're just in a cup. Now there's a kid, he's gonna have a little personality

or she, hey, we'll have a little personality, I'll have a little dong, I'll have herpes. It'll be very exciting. A little buddy. You can have a little glasses, you're gonna put them up on your shoulders, you're gonna hate the music you like. It's fascinating.

Covered in herpes, he's gonna be just a big sore. Yeah. What was I gonna say? I had something to add there. This is unreal, I mean. What was I gonna say? It was something. I am blown.

I thought it was back up and blown. Oh yeah, but this is the other thing though. This is what's so hard is, he'll put it in place when he's there. You're like, okay, but at the same time, you're like, now I really gonna make my- Oh yeah, you're like, okay, but at the same time, you're like, now I really gonna make my- Oh, yeah, you're a provider. So all that's happening now is I'm like on my phone

three times more a day. I'm like, I gotta send an email, let me try to get a clip, let me try to get a YouTube, I'm like, subscribe, I'm like responding to comments for the algorithm for my save, it's horrible. Wow, my phone time's like 78 hours a day

because I'm trying to make a buck for this son of an houndster. Sure, sure. Well, hey, you got to do what you got to do. I mean, Louis said he was a decent comedian. Then he had kids. He's like, I have to be good. Well, that's how I'm literally.

This whole time. So I'm pumping out these hours because this whole time, Sarah's pregnant, she's not pregnant, she's pregnant, she's not pregnant, whatever, whatever. Wow. So I'm like, God damn, I gotta make some money. You gotta make some money. You know what I'm- You're on a ton of material So I'm like, God damn, I gotta make some money. Gotta make some money.

And you know what I'm saying? A ton of material. I know that everyone says that, but you're gonna have a ton of kids stuff, ton of wife stuff, ton of getting pregnant stuff. This is huge, man. This is wild. It's scary, the two, because you're like,

this is a Louis bit. I know. I know, he did everything. I know, he did it, damn it. Yeah, Shultz is doing a whole gizz in a cup right now. It's pretty great. Wow. That's kind of,

but even the gizz in the cup, I was like, I don't know if this could be a bit, I feel like so many people, anyone that's ever gizz in the cup, right? He's gonna have a bit about gizzing in the cup. Yeah, it's good. Although the walkin' out into the lobby was pretty, it was like, hey guys. I like that. Wow. I can't even wrap my dick around it.

Big excitement. Let's get a burrito. My blood pressure's high. My cholesterol's high. I'm gonna die. Now I have to live because it's a kid. How funny would it be if I just did a whole thing about the corporate gig we never got to this?

Well, I'm scared to talk about you. It's hard to, you're so nervous because you lose them, but now I think we're in this safe zone. We just went. They're like, it's healthy as a horse. Right, right. He's tall. He's a long. Really?

Yeah, he's like seven inches tall. He's a lanky son of an onion like dead. I'm hoping for a tennis player. I want to, that's what I'm asking my money. I want him to be like a tennis player who's got a six foot seven smash and I won't love him if he doesn't play tennis. I'm just home for a chin. Yeah, I was like, we can get that chin.

Oh, did you see the photo? It's in there. I was like, oh, he must have his wife's chin and nipple. Oh, good. It's the same size as mine, but to scale, it's pretty good. Hey, solid, that's good. He's got his chin now, and I think he's got a normal mouth. Is it?

Type three? Yeah, his teeth look a little weird. Well, they're not in yet. And look at the size of this cock, by the way. Look at that. Jesus, that's bigger than mine. By the way, we talk about, this is funny. We talk about gender and whatnot.

Oh boy. And then the lady today, she's doing the ultraviolet, whatever the fuck that's called, zooms in on his dick and just types in. I'm a boy exclamation, exclamation, exclamation. Oh, to print to you. So she's like, there you go. But there's no like, is this okay?

Like she's just like, he is a boy. Good, good, good. Oh, fuck it. So she's a professional. I'm not saying anything. I'm not trying to say anything about anything. I'm just saying it's funny. That in the doctor's office, there's still,

there's no, there like this is a boy. Yeah, hands down, no fans or dicks. But that could change of course, whatever. Yes, yes, but I'm just saying, it's just funny. Yeah, to be removed from the whole thing. I know. I just have a lady with a fucking light on her forehead and a white thing.

Be like, okay, here is your boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, yeah. He doesn't care. She's busy putting condoms on remotes. She's not worried about Twitter, but. That's funny that someone's job. I know. Someone's job is about Twitter. But. That's funny that someone's job. I know.

Someone's job is to walk into a clinic with someone just beat off and put a new plastic thing on a remote. Yeah, there you go. So they just had no tells, by the way. I've put some, I'm a remote, so my hand at a hotel, like, ooh, that is sticky. Some do have that. Okay.

Well, Universal Remote uses a magnum, condom. But they say with the childbirth that the gender roles really just accentuate. Like, you know, we're all kind of wishy-washy now, man and women are kind of the same, blah, blah, blah. Sarah's gonna go full on apron, child, maternal, cleaning up, breastfeeding, you know, nursing it, you're gonna come in and poke it, it's gonna go, ahhhhhhfeeding, you know, nursing it, you're gonna come in and poke it, it's gonna go, ah, here you go, lady, you handle it.

Oh, I'll be out fucking chicks, building houses, fixing the plumbing. Yes, herding sheep, cattle, chop up the wood. It's terrifying, I'm with the financial stuff, it's terrifying. Well, I gotta move to Ohio or something. If you need the money, I give you Sam's number, and this is very exciting.

I got all kinds of wealthy friends, which is nice. There you go. I do, I do okay, folks. And you start to think about it. Everybody's kind of having kid, not everybody, but a lot of people, you know, it's Rosebud, Doug Key, you, and the numbers are going up.

You, me, Crame of the Butler. And yeah, Chuck just met that lady. That's not gonna be long. The numbers are going up. You, me, Craymon, the Butler. And yeah, Chuck just met that lady. That's not gonna be long. Yeah, she saw those photos. He's clean on. No, no. No chance.

He's letting that lady go. Yeah. She's sterile. Chuck will be like, yeah, I don't know what happened down there. It broke, I guess. But good to meet you. Stick around if you're good. Yeah. I think I'll do you got her name, but either way this is very exciting. Congratulations

Thank you. It's a wild. It's exciting. We still got a little time to play some pickleball But it might be she's very out of breath the whole thing But this will give us an excuse for why we're losing. I can't go easy on her though I'll feel too bad. I can't spike it on a pregnant lady. Oh well. We'll switch it up I'll fire one right at this kid. Oh,'t eat my life's the stuff in on you. Yeah, you're right. All right. No, I can't wait.

It's exciting. And it'll be a whole new podcast. I'm gonna be coming in here going the baby shit in my mouth. Yes. But it'll be hard. You'll have a towel over you with puke on it. You'll be that guy. It's gonna be crazy.

I mean, it's gonna be all baby stories all the time. Well, little gays buckle up, folks. It's coming Yeah, keep it going and if we keep doing this pod that would be ideal because We will we're gonna keep doing it and help out the page or just throw the guy a Venmo throw the guy a Fucking PayPal or whatever. I mean, it's a it's a baby show. Yeah, baby shower shower with gifts golden shower Yes, exactly, silkwood shower. And by the way, tomorrow, if you're in Los Angeles tomorrow,

I'm at the Hollywood improv. Hopefully it's sold out by now, but maybe it's not. Oh, I don't sell. You're dead. Hollywood improv, tomorrow night. I'll have some great guests. I think Henry Phillips, maybe you look bonus, probably Lindsey Adams.

We'll have a good crew over there. And then next weekend, Columbus, please come. Columbus, what is Ohio? What's the deal with comedy in Ohio? It's so hard to sell there. Really? Columbus is all right. Oh, Columbus I've been to.

But like Cincinnati's tough and Toledo. I think they're scared to leave the house. I think it's a little dicey out there. I don't know. Who knows? Columbus, I haven't worked Columbus ever. I hope we're Johnny in there 25 years ago. That's a hot town I'll be there and then oh my god. I got so many dates. Let me look. Sorry. Give it a second up

I'll be in Australia. So say hello, but get your tickets for the Or do live up. Yes, that's 20 June 27th Seven June 27th grammar C grammar C and then there's a Philly one as well. That's August 22nd. Thank you. Good looking out. And then, yeah, Columbus Funnybone and then of course, Irvine,

California, Irvine improv. Ooh, that's fun, right? July 13th through the 15th, then San Jose the following weekend. July 20th through the 22nd, August is crazy. Providence Comedy Connection, August 3rd through the 5th, helium in Portland, August 10th through the 22nd, August is crazy. Providence Comedy Connection, August 3rd to the 5th,

helium in Portland, August 10th to the 12th, and the Dallas improv, August 24th to the 26th live, Tuesday's with stories, the 22nd of August. Now we're cooking. That'll be fun. And subscribe to my YouTube. Yeah, love a Christ. Yeah, and you got a special coming out.

I got a special coming out soon. Special. Baby coming out soon. Jucks coming out. I got a special coming out soon, special baby coming out soon, just coming out soon. Lot of stuff cooking. Mark Roman comedy.com for dates. Check out the tour. You don't say, Jack. Uh, yeah.

So most recent episode of my podcast, fun bearable is with Andrew Shivone. We shot here in the Tuesday studio in the big room in the big room. And then this week, this Wednesday, it's going to be Matt Wayne on the show. Oh, he's a banger. Yup. And then next week, June 12th, the one day, it'll be the live fun bearable episode at Grove 34 and Queens with Matt Wayne and Andrew Shivone. So we're sorry. Really well. And Joe, congratulations. Thank you for making me an uncle. I really appreciate it. Oh, you got a name and a joke. This kid's like, I mean, anywhere near you after this lady, I just show me photos of,

I gotta be covered in vinerial disease. That lady, she could babysit. Yeah. Oh, you know, it's so much, it's just, kind of selfish of me, but when I was talking about having a kid with my lady, I remember being bummed that you weren't, because I was like, oh, am I gonna fall behind with everybody?

Like, am I gonna lose touch with everybody? Cause I'll have a kid and you and Sam and all these other guys don't have one. Well, all over these kids. You know me. Yeah, you like to touch a kid. What? But, you know, Veter's got two.

We forget that. And he's doing fine. He's got two. We just had a big pow wow. We did a long drive. It was very nice. And, yeah, Veter, he's got two. And he's in New Jersey and we never see him ever.

That's true, but I do a show where they might see him every once a week, but he's so stoic. He never see Vitor complaining. You know, he's a man. The most stoic, I always say that he lost more with COVID than anyone I've ever met. He had the best apartment, the best gig, lost literally a million dollars. Yeah.

Literally. And never seemed upset, never bad at all. It just went out to New Jersey and found a new way to make a ton of money. There you go, folks. Maybe another tongue, but yeah, he's doing fine. He opens for Nate, Sal, Sam, me sometime, and he's doing okay. He's doing great. And he's little and cute. Yeah, he is. And he's also got a kid and gotten better.

Everyone talks about dad bod. I got better shape. He looks unbelievable. Good point. Looks great. He's four foot one, but he's ripped. I'm already getting a dad bod. I'm like, fuck it. Let's let it go. Dad, we've been like them a pair like, or to TikTok. They like dad bod and small dick. So I don't know what to believe. They like dad bought them small dick so I don't know what to believe Dic talk. Yeah, that's fun. Dicock. I'll never do that instead of dick talk dick talk Yeah, dick. Cuck Dick but kiss There's also the biological clock. Oh, yeah, well that's expired, but yeah, we get science science baby AI. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's gonna kill us all. Oh

My god, I'm fucking doomed. Well, we'll be dead soon So thanks a lot folks. We'll see you in hell big show spread the word spread the love again Said the guy a fucking congrats and a gift and yeah, we'll see you in hell and book this quake Well, yeah, cuz he's got a child coming I'm getting booked come to the show Better I'm booked all over town. It's a dick and so they're a little late. Woof. All right. Well, bring your kids. Have fun. Braza Las. Yeah.

Bravo. I'm a little missing watching the music time