Tuesdays with Stories! - #507 Re-Sharted

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

Mark gets caught at the border with a liiiiiiiittle more cash than he expected, and Joe talks Mark down after a humiliating shart attack! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Support the show & get an extra 3 months of ExpressVPN for free at https://www.expressvpn.com/TUESDAYS - Get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com promo code TUESDAYS - Get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com when you usecode TUESDAYS at checkout

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, folks. Here we are. Remember that old dinner car, we bit? Trying to start a car in a cold day. Sounds like Catherine Hepburn.

Right, right, right, right, right, right. He was something else then. Here we are. Remember that old Dana Carvey bit trying to start a car in a cold day sounds like Catherine Hepburn Right He was something else. Yeah, he's a lot of fun. I just watched a watching their Larry Sanders Oh, they had spade in Carvey back-to-back episodes they both Arizona. I know spade is but now they've a pod together Yes, maybe that's why I'm thinking spade is where's Carrey? I think I looked him up recently. I'm gonna say SF, like upper California area. He might have been Ohio originally one of those guys. A lot of people are like born here

and then went to California. That's true, a lot of Ohio. Ohio is slept on, as they say. Well, Logan Paul, the other guy. As goes Ohio, so goes the nation, or there goes the whatever they elect the president That's all that matters. Oh, H water out of water icy water ice water a cup with the plastic ice Thank you no aristocrat. I want an open border no ice lots of ice for me. Thank you. Oh lots just regular ice boy

It's crazy. We're in this tiny shoe box of a, of a, of a shit storm here. And it is the prettiest day in America. I know. It's a lovely day. Lovely day. I hate that song. So much. So much. Bill Whitters.

One of the worst songs ever. How do you figure? Well, Whitters is great. I give me some wins. I love the sunshine. I love lean on me. I love the other one. Yeah. There's only a few. You know, he, the me some wins. Give me eight no wins. Sunshine, I love, lean on me, I love. Yeah, with the other one.

There's only a few. You know, he- The two of us, we've talked about this so bad, so scary. You know, he quit, because he's like, I ran out of ideas, I had nothing left. I saw that, yeah. Yeah, it was terrible. I watched the documentary and also said,

they kept wanting to be blacker. Like all the producers, like, come on, you gotta black it up a little bit. And he's like, I'm saying it. What do you want she? Yeah, yeah, that would ruin everything lovely day. It just keeps saying lovely day Love and it has that like whoa as that law. It's so annoying that song comes on It's like it's like the one eight hundred cars for kids song. Oh That song too. You're kidding come on

Cars for kids song. Oh, look at that song too. You're kidding. Come on. 800 cars for kids. Hey, what a hook. 188. 188. No, 187.

No, that's murder. Yeah, that's what the cops are. 187, 177. That's 187, 177. 177, yeah, you need the double syllable there. What percentage of human beings in the history of Earth have donated their cars for kids. Who donates a car?

Kids get a car? I wish you had not have a bunch of kids running around in Ferraris, that's dangerous. Well, if they're put a cage around the Ferrari, that's not bad. You know, the kids in cages. Yeah. You put a Ferrari in the cage.

Oh, it's a race car bed. Or a car. Yes, and then you round up all these sons of onions. Yes, you throw them in a cage, but there's a car in there. You don't give them the keys, of course. Sure, but now you can play, you can play, I guess, but now you got a car taking up most of your real estate. Well, you get a big cage.

That's a hell of a cage. A cage. Cage against the machine. I'm caged the elephant. That's not even a pun. That's just the name. Oh, is that a band? Yeah, I think that's part of what's it called? Avengers, no, they're a little moody white stripe not the white stripes. Who's the other one Dan our Bach? A horrible red bocker. Who's that guy? Is that the white stripes? I don't know. No, that's Mike white Yeah, Jack white. Oh boy Mike white. No, it's the white- No, it's not the White Stripe.

It's the other big band that's like, who did doon doon doon doon doon doon doon doon doon. The killer news. No, it's neither of those. Oh, the rack on tours. No. Which one's seven nation army's White Stripe? That's White Stripe.

All right, what's the other band? Seven seven cars for kids. They were big. Well, Lizzo. Ah. Big. Fuck me hard. Alright, that's consent. Dan Arbok, or something like that?

He was like a hockey player or something. No, Red Arbok was a basketball coach. Chuck what's the band? Dan Arbok, Bach cage the elephant Not the white stripes. Oh, I don't know. You're fine Hard until my mother comes damn Yeah, I grout with the lid on it. Wow who told you put the lid on thank you double lid Appreciate it. Oh, it's got a lip on it looks weird. That's a double lid. There's something happening here

There's something happening. I've never found a had I like it lids by the way Double lid double lid you don't like lids. I don't like lids. It's all the same. What about since that's when the kid dies that I like No offense. I know you're a Papa Jojo over here. Uh, uh. Now that's a father. Oh! I can't smell it. What do you molly shannon?

I haven't shouted. I didn't change. I mean, you saw me yesterday. Same outfit. No shower. I haven't shower either. I'm down to three showers a week. No, come on.

What? You're stripping away important nutrients. I love to shower, but it's one of those things. Yes, I had a day yesterday when it's hard because the folks at home, they're roofing, they're plumbing, they're running the floor, they're gay, they're cops, they're firemen, they're truck drivers, and I apologize for the folks at home, but yesterday, I had one of those days where you got nine things to do with no time in between now He just zippin and zapping a to b a to b a to b. I haven't written the subway this much since 1988 I felt like one of the warriors out there well

Come out to play but don't joke anybody. It was it was wild I got I got a by the way. I got an art a commission an artist to build a bust of that guy in my house Cook killer Boy what a hero but anyways He's making billions of bucks on the go fund me or whatever. Oh, it's he made I think over two mill so far And it's rising well, I gave him 350,000 I'm kidding of course don't email, don't write to me, but you know. Well, I don't think he meant to kill the guy.

That's the thing. That's the thing. He's a murderer, I'm like, yeah, he did murder guy, but I don't think he meant to, but I think it's a lot of passion. Well, he man slaughtered a guy. Yeah, which, according to an enormous Donald, sounds worse. Yeah, I think we're even did that joke too. Yeah, I wrote

that joke, which is fun. It's a fun feeling when you're a kid and you write a joke. Yeah, first you're like, Oh, no, Reagan already does it. But then you have the moment you're like, I guess Reagan and I are on the same page. That's the best feeling. Nothing better. Yeah. I've had that with

Cosby's later stuff. But yeah. Uh, what the hell was I talking about? Oh my day yesterday. Oh big nine nine nine things to do. Cook subway. But subway everywhere you go now, there's cops on the train now, which I love. I see a cop on the train. I just I hug him from behind with my hand on his taser. I just I love him. I know and then I I work because I was a young whipper sapper skateboarder, you know, jumping around Fuck the popo rap music punk music and now I see cops and I'm like Good to have you you know, I get one of these and I'm like am I old now or am I just

Not trying to die. Yeah, I think that's the Natural flow of life. Mm-hmm. You're a young whipper snapper and you say fuck the police and then you get a little older You start law-biting to some degree, you know, you're up and turn styles of what not sure and you get a little dough and you go Hey, I wouldn't mind being protected out here. Right, right, but it's funny because you can see the cycles happening I was hanging out with a couple of guys already the other day and they're like these young kids today and you're like Oh, man, that's what my grandpa used to say and then my dad used to say it and now this guy's saying it. I know, but it is weird. It's hard.

I'm this guy and I hate to be this guy because I hated it so much. Here we go. I have a, as Colin Quinn said, an un, un, unsettling passion for the 70s. I mean, he was like, this is weird. When we met, he was like, something's wrong with you. This is strange because I was obsessed with, you know, Scorsese and Sidney LeMette and Rocky and, uh, what do you call it, the stones and all that.

Sure. And it brings to you all that, but, uh, now, I was that guy, I always have a black Sabbath t-shirt or a Dylan hat or, you know, a Jackson Brown thong on, and everyone would go, how do you know about Jackson Brown, you fucking face the shit, you're 11 and I'm like, it's recorded music, it still exists, you bag. Right, right, it's still good,

but now you see the kid with the Nirvana shirt and the Green Day shirt or whatever it is and you go, uh oh, here it comes, it's all coming. I'm not kidding, I got a niece, yet a Nirvana shirt, I'm like, what the hell do you know about Nirvana? But to be fair, I do think some of these kids, because back in 1991, if you said, what's with your Bob Dylan shirt, I'd be like,

well, I love bringing it all back. I could quote any song. But I don't think this lady's listening to smells like teen spirit. There is a little of that. I mean, how many hot moms you see and their kids got an ACDT t-shirt on. It's this big.

It's got a spaghetti stain on it. You're like, this kid doesn't know back in black. No, it's in the ex does. But anyway, so I'm the old man is the point, but. We're all old and it's all wacky. It's all pipes because I saw a hip young comedian the other night and he's wearing these big ol' baggy jeans. And I go, what's going on here?

I'm seeing Hammer, and he's like, oh, this is in, that's out. Oh, really? You're the nerd, I'm like, oh, no, I gotta get new jeans. Is this any good? I don't think so. No, that's a little white ankle.

Black Nike socks, new balance, well, by the way, I mean, we've talked about it before. I had new balance sneakers and Nike socks on. Chris Allen, he fucking said, delete my number, you white honky piece of shit. Yeah, that's what he does. That's no good, evidently. No, no, it's all, but then you wait long enough,

if you're a hobo right now, and you're wearing a Daishiki black face and a clan hood, if you wait long enough, that'll be in. Yeah, that'll swing back around. It all swings. Swing eggs. Swing ears. Yeah, swing dance.

Swing. Swing time for Hitler. Swing time for Hitler. Did you get the producers? I never really loved it, honestly. I watched it once. I loved the concept. I love the idea.

I love springtime for Hitler. I love how edgy it was and how big of a stir it caused. He got a lot of shit for that old brooksy. You know, you're a Jew and you're making jokes about this and it was 16 years after the Holocaust. Yeah, not that far off. Yeah, it's pretty well. I just never, it's got gotta be more like 20 something, right? Well, that's 64, maybe it was 19 something like that. Yeah, I guess you're right, I guess you're right. 64, 65-ish, but yeah, not too long. I mean, it's close, wow, this is this.

Uh-oh. The Holocaust was closer to the producers than 9-11 is to now. There you go, you see. That's funky town. And I do a 9-11 joke, my acting people still go, oh, I mean, it's just a bad joke, but they get they get a groanie groanie baloney Yeah, the producers I watch it. I'm like

Yeah, I don't get it. I think for the time it was like wow, but you watch blazing saddles still great that holds up and Spaceballs is fun. The n-word is funny, know, I mean, you watch a lot of black comedians and they use it quite liberally. Of course, I always say there's nothing funnier ever than like a black comic referring to Santa Claus as the N word. I mean, what could be funnier? And he's like, this N word coming down my chimney,

I don't think so. That's true. How funny is that? Yeah, eat my cookies. I don't know. Yeah, it's so true. Yeah, this Santa Claus like my dad. I see him once a year But yeah, let me run this by and see if it smells like ass. All right So yep, I think I'm getting older. I think I'm getting older because we talk about old

I did a little bit of a bender last weekend, you know I try to take one week or one day out of the week and I really tie one on I go on a Toot a tear that's not bad. That's only 50 50 tears in a year. Whoa when you put it like that All right, maybe it's more but either way I'm tearing it up and I'm out in Toronto you got two shows it up and I'm out in Toronto, you got two shows, putting them back, I get a bottle of tequila now in the green room, which is probably a mistake. But I'm putting them back and I'm the only guy drinking Sean Murphy's there, he doesn't drink.

The other guy didn't drink so I was like, alright, fuck it. Never good, but either way, hung over the next day, we go get breakfast at a diner and I'm farting, I'm hung over, I'm gay, and I get back in the hotel lobby and I go, I'm gonna let out a real screamer. And it just went, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right down the leg, that hot fudge, you know,

I haven't sharded since 41. Wow. I sharded, it's a, no one tells you, it's a funny thing, how you sharded, uh, shart tank, it's a bummer, like you feel sad. You're like, what am I doing with my life? I'm shitting myself, I'm in a hotel lobby in the lobby of a high at going,

oh god, and then I'm in the elevator, I'm like, can they smell it? You have to run to your room, you have to waddle. You get the key in, you open the door door you pull the pants that you see the damage your legs are brown Oh, it's traumatizing Jerry. It's no good. If you do it again, you're re-sharded Hello folks Re-sharded. Yes, rocket re-shard Yeah, it's not a great feeling, but sometimes you know, it happens.

It just squirts out. You get older. Your O-ring is a little wider. Yeah, taking a couple of thumbs in the ass for the wife. Yes, I'm isolated. Yes, thumbs. It loosens up, too. I think you stretch, you run, you walk, your asshole is not going to be as, I mean, think

about how tight your asshole is the day you're born. Woo, it's a balloon knot. I think about how loosened is the day you're born. Woo, it's a balloon knot. And then think about how loose it is the day you die. Oh, it's a basketball hoop. So, did you know a basketball hoop? This is what my friend told me, maybe it's wrong. A basketball hoop is twice, two basketballs could fit into the hoop. I don't think that's true.

That's why my friend Clay, that's right. I don't think that's true. Think about how it's all that crazy compared to the whole, yes. No, I don't think that's true. That's why my friend Clay, that's right. I don't think that's true. Think about how it's all that crazy. Compared to the whole, yes. No, I don't think that's true. I think I got a Google on that. That's what my friend's, that's my friend's fact, and he's a smart guy.

I think you could shove and finagle and do some real hammering, but if you put it two next to each other, I don't think they'd fall in. It doesn't feel like they would, but he keeps saying this. It sounds ridiculous. All right, all right, well, well,

we'll get a verdict on that. But on TV, everything, I wanna come back to the sharding, but on TV, everything looks wacky. Like you watch a hockey game, which nobody does on the only one, but there's between the goal line, the last line, the defense, and the back boards. There's 10, it's 10 feet.

So like if you laid there, then before extra feet there. When you watch on TV, it's a better example if I just had the TV. It looks like three feet. I could see that. And the goal, the net, is six feet wide. It's like the length of me laying down.

But it looks two feet wide. That looks two feet wide, yeah, because the fat guy with the bigger rockers on the shin and everything, he's taking up the whole, the whole shebang. He takes it up, so up the ass. Up the ass. So it's hard to, it's all optical illusions.

Yes, well, everything on TV feels bigger. I mean, you see Tom Cruise in public, he's about the size of my dick. He's this tall and you're like, what? Everybody says it to me, I thought you'd be taller. I'm like, yeah, thanks. That's hurtful, but I get it. And it's true for everything. Like objects may appear larger.

I've put my dick on the TV. Looks great. Yeah, maybe you're gonna get on TV more. Yeah, like I worry if I'm at a porn star. And I said, let me see that, honker. I'd be disappointed. Right. By the way, I get the opposite. let me see that, honker, I'd be disappointed. Right. By the way, I got the opposite.

Everyone's like, I didn't think you'd be tall. I don't know. Look at these legs, look how long. Oh, no, what's wrong? How got? That's daddy long over here. Very long, long, long, John Silver.

Yeah. But a shard is never a sign of things are going well. No, no, plus the hangovers of your anxieties through the roof and you're already said and just the cleaning process alone is quite miserable. And then you got to get in the shower and then you just take those undies and I just threw them right in the garbage, took the bag out, tied up the bag and lit it on fire. Well, you're a good citizen because I just put it under the pillow.

Oh, like a mint. Yeah, exactly. Oh, exactly. Oh man. Jane Citrus Mint. But yeah, it's not a good feel. Like no one's ever like, yeah, tomorrow morning, I think if everything goes to plan, I'm going to wake up,

have breakfast, go to the gym, call my mother, shit my pants, come back and make love to my wife. No, not usually part of the plan. I think it affected my sets that night. I was up there like, eh, what's it all about? I'm gonna kill myself. It's a real downer, and everybody makes it so silly. I shard it, but it's sharding is no joke.

Well, I told you, one of my favorite stories ever to Paul used to always tell me, is he's on the phone with Arty Lang, their talk, and who I miss, I haven't seen, how's Arty? Love the Lang. I assume the worst, but I love that guy. Anyway, so they were hanging out, they're talking on the phone, you know, old school, we just watched TV talking on the phone

with somebody, and this is like a tripply, funny story to me, is the Paul was like, oh my god, I just shard it, I'm so embarrassed, and then Arty just goes, all right, call me back, but he doesn't phase up, he's not like, what, you fat, goes, all right, call me back. But he doesn't phase up. He's not like, what? You fat? He's like, just call me back. Well, when you stab yourselves 47 times,

I think a shard is walking the park. Oh, wait, I'm just, I'm going back down a rabbit hole of old stir with Arty snapping and throwing the food at his assistant. That's wild. It's wild. Yeah, that was a crazy show. It was almost like reality TV for your ears, you know? Cause you're just like, oh my god, he's fighting with Sal again.

And then, uh, Arty would have women come in and Howard Stern would go, would you fuck Arty? And they'd be like, wow, I don't know. And he hated it. And he would be like, all right, Howard, enough. And they're like, well, I'm just trying to get you laid. He's like, I can get laid, Howard. You can tell he's furious. And then he goes home and does heroin. Wow. I never listened. It's a big regret he's furious and then he goes home and does heroin. Wow. I never listen, it's a big regret. I never listen to Stern really in the heyday.

Yeah, well, you know, he got on. Arty. No, I don't. Norm brought him in and Norm, I think it was Norm. And Norm's being fun and everybody loves Norm. And then he's like, oh, this is my pal Arty. And Arty was just in the zone. And Stern was like, who is this guy?

This guy's a talent. And he's like, ah, what are you gonna do? He's a fat piece of shit, that alcoholic drug addict. And then stern head of mom was like, what's up with that guy? We got an open chair and that was it. Wow. Old school just got discovered. Now all three of them are dead. Oh, why was that?

Ah. Oh, Jesus scared me. Ah, I'm a liquid. One of them is dead. Wouldn't it be funny if he'd already, I mean, he outlived Norm. He just outlived all of us. He could be like a cockroach. Yeah, he's Richards.

Yeah, Betty White's gone. Yeah, I never cared for her. Oh yeah, nothing there. I never got in that. People say they swear by the golden girls. It's pretty great. Is it? That's great jokes in that.

The Golden Girls is good. The game is very good. I know you know what I'm, what do you call it? Greg Johnson's bit. I've told it on here before, but I love it. I have no memory, so. His brother's gay and he went to his,

like legitimately gay and he went to a, not like art gay. Right, right. He's a gay man. I'm a gay man. He went there and he's got Golden Girls Right, right. He's a gay man. I'm a gay man. He went there and he's got golden girls and it's the box is the DVD set. It's all tattered and ripped and he goes,

what do you travel with this fucking thing? And he goes, no, it's just natural wear and tear. And that's great. It's very funny. Man, he's great. He's Greg Johnson, one of the funniest. GJ, big fan. We started.

You know, you have this when you're like starting out, you're a teenager, you know, no, this is like life. You, when you first get there, I was 18, you know, I started 18, not a care in the world. That was supposed to be Bob's cigarette, didn't come out great. But, like a rock. Yeah.

Fucking every day I saw. What Chevy picks that up, you gotta feel pretty good. I know, but it bums me out because it's one of the great songs of all time. About aging, and then you put it on. It's about like youth and now I'm older, but I'm, you know, whatever. And, which is weird, because we're older than he is in the song. Yeah. Is that hurt, is that hurt, is that break your heart?

Fuck me in the dead hole. He's 38, He's like 20 years Where'd they go? Get in my mouth. And where are older? Where the like a rock guys? Ah, I'm not like a rock. I'll tell you that. I'm not a blue shoe. Yeah. But I play that song and everybody without fail is like, isn't this the Chevy song and it makes me Oh, you're right. Yeah. no, it's not the Chevy song.

It's the aging longing for the old time. Yes, yes, yes. I was so strong. Yeah, you know, John Cougar Mel. Of course, do I? He did the, what's the big one? Heard so good, small town, small town, pink houses. Yeah, it's already sung.

It was Jack and I. I was CK and the US. Bush wanted to make that the song of America, whatever he turned it down. Probably pink houses. Probably pink houses. I think that America. Yes. And he said, no thanks.

Appreciate it, C and Hale. Well, it's like Reagan with Born in the USA. What? Yeah, he was like, Oh, Bruce and Bruce is like, no, I'm shitting on you. Oh. Which is funny. I got it. Really itchy nose over here. I didn't know what what that means kiss a fighter getting a fighter kiss a fool. Oh, I heard aids

but either way Well, I guess you could kiss a fool. He has aids. That's why he's a fool. Sure. Yeah, true if you got an open sore There you go. I always have an open sore My assholes an open sewer Hey folks two-story stories brought to you by VP and I always have an open sewer. My assholes an open sewer. Woohoo! Hey folks, twos of stories brought to you by VPN. Using that internet now without ExpressVPN is like pass it a note in class and having the teacher read it aloud.

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Use promo code Tuesdays at liquidiv.com. Um, wait, we're all over the tip of the store. What were we talking about? Nice bowl. What do you call that? Oh, Bruce, wait, yes, sorry. We're jumping around. I was digging and zanging here. Melon cap, see girl Oh, Bruce, wait, yes, sorry. We're jumping around. We're jumping around.

We're ziggin' and ziggin' here. Melanchamp, seeker, like a like a cuck. Like a rock. Like a rhinestone gal, boy. What was the basketball info? Oh, all right, okay. It's pretty. Well, it's a conference.

So the answer is technically yes, but really it's a misleading fact. Like the NBA size of the diameter of the hoop is 18 inches and a basketball for NBA is like 9.43. Okay. But if it's a little deflated like you wouldn't even really notice it. So it is a regular player essentially double the size of the basketball. Yes, yes, yes.

I think they can't go in together. But they can go in like a wiggle like balls like this and ones like that. That's what my sack is. There's one up here one down here. Wait, there's so many ways to go because we were talking about so many things. Yeah, but they can go in like they could wiggle like balls like this and ones like that. That's what my sack is. There's one up here, one down here. Wait, there's so many ways to go because we were talking about so many things. I don't know what you're about, but the melon camp, melon camp, seagr. I'm sure I've said this a million times.

I saw it. Oh, Greg Johnson. John melon camp on September 13th, 2001. Whoa. What a show, Jerry. Whoa. I talked about it before. The wall flowers opened. 13th, 2001. Whoa! What a show, Jerry.

I talked about it before the wall flowers opened. Yeah. Wow, they're good. They're good, but they don't have the jizz in them. They rock a lot. And the cover we won't get fooled again, which felt fun. All right.

Just got to have a fun thing. Everything was covering. But you know, that was fun. But yeah, melanchamp, everybody had the flags and the stuff Yes, everybody was all crazy and he's singing eight that America. It's two days. It's smoldering Jerry Wow, and everyone had been watching the news for 48 hours straight and there was a guy walking around with a big flag Everyone's all flagged up. God hates flags. It was so flaggy of us I was just great. It was like let's get on. I love it. I love it. It's weird because now that would be some weird

Right-wing trope and you're like, no, we're just living here. Fuck off. That right wing. I'm just I'm just patriotic I just bombed our fucker drove a Plane into our big old stuff there. Yeah, big building a lot of papers. Yeah, sorry. I couldn't get that out That's a lot of papers ashy people I couldn't get that out. That's a lot of papers, Ashi. People jumping out of the top deck and firemen. It brought us together, I think we need another one. It was very exciting. When I was no chance.

Another one, we talked about this all the time. If that happened now within 30 seconds, first of all, half the country would be like, that didn't happen, your full of shit. True, true. And the other half would be like, well, they're just in franchiseised so they had a point you're like wait what I know they bombed the white house and I also think half the people in the middle of the country

would be like that's what you get you fucking bullshit city you start having all your trans peoples and your whatever people you deserve it I think there'd be less empathy legitimately I'm sure isis hates trans they they must yeah I don't I don't even think they're I think there'd be less empathy, legitimately. I'm sure ISIS hates trans. They must. Yeah, I don't, I don't even think they're, I think if you told them that, that's like the defense against them. You tell them about trans, their heads explode.

Oh, there you go. That's what way to get rid of them. You go, you got a good head for once. Yeah, you go. We got people changing gender. They're like, I think combust. Yeah, there's that. You've seen that, I think we brought this up before with that African. I think combust. Yeah, there's that.

You see that, I think we brought this up before with that African. I think he's in Ghana and he's just like, gay, no, no, not here. Oh, we stab you with the curvy sword. Now he's gone too far. Yeah. Folks, I feel like we got to pull the curtain down

a little bit because we're going to be telling stories from six months ago. Mark is moving to Australia. Yes Coming at you there down under I can't handle it here anymore. The water goes the wrong way So he's down there for six months, so we're recording. I don't know 14 episodes in three days Yeah, yeah, this is the most you've ever done plus bonuses plus ads and it's tough We're packing it all in like my ass on a Thursday. It's cookie. Some of these stories are gonna be from three months ago. Chuck's beard is below his knees. He hasn't left the what do you call this? Studio.

Condo studio. Yeah, he's half dead. He's got three cocks in his mouth. Yeah, I haven't eaten since 81. I'm gonna pass out. Wait, did that a bagel? This big guy's out there. Yeah, well whatever, sisterel. Yeah, whatever sister gag. Yeah, all right, but So his beard's not that long. That's true But yeah, sorry guys, I feel bad, but we will have some time off. That'll be fun That's what's so hard if we zoom people like you zoom I know some guys like stop saying we talked about this before and if I don't say that nine people have said you talked about this before Your face is shit. You're not easy to please folks.

You're not easy, and then some people go, don't worry about them, do your thing, and then they go, but also I hate this, and you're like, oh, so I gotta listen to you, but those guys are idiots. Right. You know, everybody wants it their way, and I'm gay. Yeah, Burger King, have it your way. Uh-huh, yes, I'm not loving it.

Um, but anyways, yesterday, what a day. Yes, I'm not loving it. But anyways, yesterday what a day. I did bending tip. What's not to be so bending to? I thought he died. I mean I hadn't seen him since 75. He's still serious. Oh yeah. Wow, I didn't know the show was still cooking good for Benny. Great show. One of the all time great saw him and Gale and that was fun. But I finished that and I had to shoot on down to the village. Oh the village. It's weird when you're like in seven different neighborhoods. I reached out to you because that's what you do when you're in your best friend's neighborhood. That's what I've heard. Just going forward. I don't care for it. Texted you. Got a smoothie of the old place.

The same agent. So the guy recommended I've been there in six really. We used to go there every time we recorded. Yes, yes, and he go hello and he's so cute and smiley. He loves me. And he's just like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, I remember, I remember when I said, hey, all right. There you go. He makes an appearance in one of the early must-queer. Oh, the intro. It was a hot case, that's that's that's that's right.

Yeah, good guy. And I get the the stamper. Stamper. You know, the old subway card, you know. Oh, boop, boop, and I gotta get back on that. I didn't know about the stamp. Oh, get the stamp, Jerry. You holding out of the stamps?

Yeah, he's got him. He doesn't tell you. You gotta go, hey, what's up with that stamp? You gotta hide behind that peanut butter jar. He goes, oh shit, sorry. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Only I had a close friend that knew that. I'm gonna put you, I thought you knew about the stamp.

Sorry. Could I got a free smoothie and some company? Well, I don't hear from you. You never call, you never write. You gotta go to 11, I never call. We're in the studio, 12 hours a month. But I was at Legionist Kanks, right? They did a nice day one, which is a breeze.

Oh, day is good, because you know, you got a factor in Lewis's five hours late. So at night, he's like, hey, the show starts at 8, he gets there at 1 a.m. So true, and I factor that in, and it felt great. I've been doing the show for 10 years. These guys go 1 p.m. and then I go, I'm getting there at 1.30, fuck them,

I'm not falling forward again. I get there at about 1.26, I get a call, and I'm like, oh, maybe they'll backfire. You know, it's 1.25, I'm walking in, he goes, hey, maybe they'll backfire. You know, it's 125 and walking and he goes, hey, just letting you wonder about your ETA and I go, let me just ask, are all the guys there? And he goes, nah, Jay's not here. And I said, get the hell out of here with the ETA.

I'll see it 130. So we started at 145. Yeah, it's tough. They're like guns and roses those guys. And you are too sometimes, but what are you gonna do? All right. Not here, very good here. All right, I'll take it here. Hey, but what are you gonna do? All right. Not here, very good here. All right, I'll take it here.

Hey, but any parts, so then I went down to the village to the Nome and Bobby student, the Olive Tree student. Ah, the Olive Tree, very nice second floor. I did the Canon Sagalo Fini podcast. What's your scenario? Here's the scenario. I kept calling it, here's the situation.

Oh the situation room. Yeah, but I really loved two of those guys. Really a great hang. Yeah, good eggs over there. I'm joking of course, but yeah, that was a great time, but then as soon as I finished that, I'm doing these two short films back to back. I'm acting, Jerry. Oh, okay. I'm an actor. Man We got a thiz being over here and a lesbian over here But what are we talking and these are short films student film porn oh films not film film decay well first and foremost Give me an emotion and I'll really all right You just found out you're having a baby How about you just found out you're having a baby a

Lot of range on this guy what'd you go to julie art big range Everything scary, but yeah, the yards are place like us well two short films ones by this guy I think it's a twos gay his name. I don't want to try his last name if I blow it. It's one of these one Latina One of those names if you get it wrong. You're like a bad person hold on. I think it's, if I blow it, it's one of these ones. Latina? One of those names, if you get it wrong, you're like a bad person. Hold on, I think it's Asian. Oh, wow, we can just throw a spoon at the table, see what happens. One of the best lines from Cable Guy, by the way.

I'm pretty sure it was Asian. His name's John Ryan, this is the tough part. Oh god. Sugimoto. Oh, that wasn't bad. Oh, hello. Yeah, there's a little poster here, and it's very exciting. John Ryan Sugimoto, and, that wasn't bad. Oh, hello. Yeah, there's a little poster here, and it's very exciting.

John Ryan Sugimoto and the other one, Sam Rubinoff. You know Rubinoff. Oh, the big rub. Now, let me ask you, these guys, do they hit? Funny Nickname. These guys hit you up, and they go, hey, I saw Fourth of July. Hey, I like your podcast.

That was a big doors slam. Hey, you got a good look. We need a nerd. What do they say here? That's hurtful. Yeah, I think they reach out and they say, Rubenov, you know, he goes, I got a script where you read it.

And normally you think, Ah, there's no way anybody has talent other than me on earth. And then you read it and you're like, this is a chuckle of minute. This is a fantastic. Yeah, that Rubenov, he he can write a script he's the guy with the glass of the big poof yeah yeah it sits on the poop yeah big poof hat what's that what's that he's got a poof hat is it a hat it put on the hat it

own or get a yamaka call today yeah I'm a big snug on hat yes old hat sometimes you put it up here because you want to get a little sunshine. Sure. Sure. FDA guy to see your face. Yeah. FDA, but whatever that is. FDA. C-I-A. Oh, and here the cup. What's the one with the ear? T-S-S. That was brilliant. Oh, I'm nice.

That's fun. Well, we're hot today. All right. N-S-T. There's not a story to be found anywhere in here. Well, you know of a story. All right, Nesti. There's not a story to be found anywhere in here. Well, you know, Mr. Dore, you got a zing. Hey! All right, so let me throw this at you, Dick,

and see if it chafes. Went to Canada recently. You know, I had the passport, Fiasco, whatever. Now, Sean Murph is from Buffalo. So he's like, I'm just gonna drive over the border, stay at my parents. So if's like, I'm just gonna drive over the border, stay at my parents. So if you want and skip some customs, you could drive over the border with me,

change your flight to Buffalo, I'll drive to the airport, and then you just smooth sailing. I can't tell this is a bit. True story. What is that? What? Are you serious?

No good? Are you joking? I can't tell, because I'm genuinely worried about you. Well the border driving is so much easier than the border on a plane. Right, but you told this yesterday. No, no, no, this is going back. What? Ah, this sounds like the story from yesterday. That was going to month.

Oh, it's coming back. It's coming back. Woof! That's every ready-liver. Jesus. Yikes. Sorry, freaked out about the pills. Sorry, I mean, that really fucked me up. I thought you were going down like I know I'm nervous I'm very hinkly easy, but no I took okay, all right. Sorry. Let me readjust my knobs here to like okay fun story I mean I was had Chuck call somebody. Oh, yeah, well

Trying to work on it took two pills last night because I forgot it took one. So, but, so, Murph Dogg says, hey, you don't want to deal with customs, you got about eight paraphernalia's and six contrabands in your bag. Your might as well come back with me, we'll have a nice ride, it's a good hour and a half, it's a beautiful day. And I said, yeah, you might have something there,

but I'm too lazy to change the ticket. I got my ticket, go on to the Delta Lounge, blow me. So I'm nervous now. And you know what, the airport, they look for nervous. That's the thing, yeah, it's not just metal, liquid. It's, what's up with this guy, sweatin' these jittery, he's Michael J. Fox, whatever it is. Interesting.

So keep that in mind, but maybe I shouldn't have told you because now you're gonna be thinking, do I look nervous? And now you're gonna go, mm, just walking here, whatever you're gonna act normal. Nah, I'll be just fine. Okay. So I put the bag through the blower there. Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip.

And nothing worse than when you're waiting on the other end and you see that bag go from straight to that way. Nothing worse, right? There's nothing worse. Well, here's what's worse. And I don't know what your situation is here. Maybe you had this. Your eyes are just darting.

It's like a film. You can edit it in your head. You see the bag go from there to the side and you go, oh, so then immediately your eyes shift over here. Yeah. And you see three bags ahead of your back. Yes, yes. That's when you're really port.

Nightmare, nightmare. Also, I'm looking at the, for some reason, I don't know why they do this, but I'm glad they do. They show a screen of what's in your bag. Right. Which I'm like, I guess that's kind of weird, but I like it because I get to see what my bag looks like, but it ain't pretty. It's just bags of gummies mushroom caps and

Tylenol PM and money cash. Yeah, and maybe like a joke book or something in a song So I'm like, oh wow, that's weird. I can see the guy going what the hell's going on here? So then we've got pulled over and then of course not only do you see three bags piled up. There's no lady There's no lady to go through.. And so you gotta mention that. You gotta wait for her to get off her shift. She's in Hale and Hardy in a nice mushroom bar and you gotta wait for her. And finally, she goes through the one bag, all right, get out of here.

And my bag is, it's overloaded. It's like a treasure chest. I have to sit on it. I gotta get, you know, John Goodman to put his ass on it that I can start getting the zipper going. It's a whole thing. There's ties flopping out and socks coming out of the right and the left. So I'm like, God, not only is she going to see all my paraphernalia, but she's going to see my undies,

my, I shit myself, you know, that's in there. So she finally opens the bag and she goes, wow, there's a lot of cash because I get merch. I just throw the cash in. Of course. And she goes, you know, you're not allowed cash. Because I get merch, I just throw the cash in. Of course. And she goes, you know, you're not allowed to travel with over $10,000 a cash. And I was like, wow, I don't think that's 10,000. And then I remembered, oh, I did a gig in Long Island,

and it was a little shady. Everything in Long Island shady. Everything shady. A lot of trees out there. And I think this place was connected. So everything was under the top blow and it was all pipes. Yeah, paper money. So you got to have bills, bills.

So it went on, had a big rubber band around. It was a big water catch. It was five grand. Oh my god. I just threw that in my bag. This is very irresponsible. Very irresponsible. If I ever lost my luggage, some guy would fly to Tahiti

and just live off my suitcase for the rest of his life So that's five grand now the merch. I was like well that won't equal 10 grand, but it might equal five right so now we're five and five maybe So she goes if this is more than 10 grand We got a talk and I was like oh no So now we're up against it. So they pull out the old bank thing, you know, the drug addict, Casino, you know, Mafia thing, the... Money counter. Thank you, money counter.

So then... I sharded. So I'm like, oh, God, we get the money counter. What are we doing here? Fuck my ass. So now some guy comes out. He's got the blue gloves on. He's like, all right. And he's just boom, boom, boom. Put the money out. Shift-slip sliding through my shit-filled underwear. You know, here we go. More money. Just pushing Oh boy. There's more cash, more cash. They start ticking and it is ticking up. Oh my God. That is the felony.

It's a felony. So with the five grand, that was in the wild. That was gone. So five grand's out. So now we gotta be five or less. So I'm like, God damn it. Why did I go to the bank? You know, all the wheels are spinning.

I'm sweating. I'm like, God, and people are going, who is this guy? People are looking through like like what's going on This guy's got sht dog shit his pants and and money like who is this guy? And I'm going out nothing to see here keep it moving and one guy goes comedy and I go shut up I hate you and then tick tick tick tick tick Guess the number

Well, you're here, so I gotta say it's less. I'm gonna say I'm gonna say 8 933 dollars closer 9,703 Wow pretty close. That's a hefty chunk of cat hefty chunk I think I took a 20 out to get a haircut and I bought something for the lady and whatever I don't believe that part, but well, you know, it's sometimes a boy can dream. And so they were like, all right, get the hell out of here. And they were like, what are you selling to make all this money?

Because I think they were implying are you drug addict or a gun runner? And I go, I'm selling these. And I just picked up a shirt and said, Quief, she was like, get the hell out of here. But the here's the crazy, there's the twist. So I get out of there and I'm packing my shit up. I'm like, Scro hell out of here. But, here's the crazy thing, here's the twist. So I get out of there and I'm packing my shit up. I'm like, Scrooge McDuck.

I'm like, you know when you're in one of those tubes where the money's flying everywhere and you gotta catch it all. Yeah. That's what I was doing that at the airport. Just trying to catch all my money because she closed it and it all went everywhere. And so I put it all in there.

I get home, I undo my bag. I'm like, I'm going to the bank tomorrow, put all the bag in a garbage bag, all the money in a garbage bag, and then I look at my, what do you call the little zip up, traveler toothbrush kit? Pouch.

Dob kit? I believe in a bathroom. Yeah, I know you're good. Whatever, the toilet trick bag. Toilet trick bag. Yeah, so I'm opening that up because I'm like, oh, maybe I get some toothpaste in here. I'm out of toothpaste.

It's all lined with cash, but they never looked in there. Whoa. So I might opening that up because I'm like, oh, baby, I got some toothpaste in here. I'm out of toothpaste. It's all lined with cash, but they never looked in there. Whoa. So I might have gone over. Oh my God. But they didn't check the toiletry. You're like Pablo Escobar. I'm Escobar, baby. I'm lighten cigars and hundreds.

Wow. But yeah, crazy, crazy moment. And I never thought I'd be stopped for having to do much money. That is wild. I mean, that's like, yeah, you got to, because I've had situations where you sell, I just had it where I sold shirts and I was like,

this is too much cash to be walking around with. Cause you put it in your pocket and it's out to here. Right. But I'm talking like, 850 bucks. Yes, yes. I mean, this is, this is, I mean, this changes the relationship. Well, it's literally years of merch

and you just throw it in there, throw it in there, throw it in there and I use the same suitcase every weekend. That's wild. What's your situation? I have, because I go on the road every weekend as you do as well. And I just keep the suitcase open. My wife hates me. She wants to shoot me. Really?

Yeah, because my suitcase just lives open. Same for my floor. For the last 20 years. Yeah. But it's like, I'm never more than maybe 10 days in between packing up my suitcase. And you know, we live in New York City, the folks out in the country,

you may not realize this. My whole apartment is what you see here in this, like my vacuum cleaner lives outside in the living room. Right. To get the suitcase, you have to jam it up into a closet. Yes, yes, we have no room. And I I'm like why do I want to pick up this suitcase and put it up here if I'm coming back in three days Exactly am I am my ladies the same way and I get it's an eye sore, you know, I got

Butt plugs galore out of this thing, but If I fold it up then I got unfold it in a day. It's just too much. I'm the same way and sometimes I get Unfold it in a day. It's just too much. I'm the same way and sometimes I get laundry. I get my laundry back and I just put it right in. Yes, yes, yes. I use as a bureau. Exactly, but here's the gross part. I will wear the same, I do a t-shirt and button down.

That's like my life hack for my comedy hack. And it just, you got a collar on. It's somewhat a presentable headliner. So I just do that every time and I just change out the t-shirt. Right. And I keep the that every time and I just change out the t-shirt. Right. And I keep the button down in there, fucking. I'm the sad. I just do jack the whole weekend.

I have a jacket or a hoodie and I just put it on and then change the t-shirt and the underwear occasionally. There you go. My shirt. Do you have any apparel rules as a comedian? You know, the shorts, some guys won't do shorts no flip flops Gotta have a collar shirt or no collar. You got to have a jacket on or whatever the hell

I try to do a nicer club. You try to do a jacket. I went to Tampa and I forgot a jacket or anything That's not t-shirt. It is hot. T-shirt's a little too cash for me I'm not I'm not gonna tackle you. I'm not gonna will smith you, but I'm just saying it's a little, I feel like a kid up there. Like, oh, this feels wrong. Maybe avert of this comedian,

pretty famous, Swarty shirt, Louis CK. Louis CK. I get it. Ever hear of a little, but I think that when he was doing it, it was like, oh, wow, this guy is loose. He's in a T-shirt. But now it goes on with women,

because women can wear skirts, they can wear shorts, they can wear sleeveless. It's a different set of rule. I'm not saying they have it, are it easier or whatever they're saying? It's interesting. It's true. It's true.

Well, you see Rachel Feinstein and she's wearing a cocktail dress every set. Wow. That's gotta be tough, or at least a ball gown or a tiara. I mean, she dresses it up. Yeah, I'm just, I don't put a lot of thought into it. Late night, we've talked about this many times. A late night, I'm a big suit guy. Sure. I've said it for many years. It's like everyone's wearing a suit, so you put on a suit. But, but now people don't wear suit as much on late night. That's true. And there's different late night, like Kona, you don't wear a suit, but now people don't wear suit as much on late night. That's true And there's different late night like Kona you don't wear suit. I always wore a suit really he has a suit

Yeah, I guess that's true. Crews wears a suit. Hmm. I went suit But I know at that to me at side splitters or whatever or the funny bone I'm not like I got to really have it's sometimes I think you could overdress for that's true That's true like who's this fucking guy look at this guy. Good point. Yeah. What's good think you can over dress for the odds. That's true, that's true. Like, what was this fucking guy? Look at this guy. Good point, yeah. What's good for the goose is good for the game. I'm a blue collar guy over here. I can't be up there wearing a tux.

Yeah, the clothing is interesting because, you know, we all knew there was one guy who'd always wear a suit. And he said, my dirty jokes are funny or an a suit. Right. And then signfeld's a big suit guy's like, being wearing a suit is funny because we're goofy. So see, a goofy guy in a suit is a fun juxtaposition. Yeah, it's interesting.

Yeah, I never, he's always so hardcore about the truth. Oh, yeah. You don't wear short sleeves, you don't wear a V-neck, you don't wear leather. That I always think with respect to one of the greats ever. I just think is nonsense. I think he's not stupid. That's not stupid. Yeah, well, it's Chris Rock, it's Eddie Murphy, it's Patrice O'Neill, they're all wearing leather.

Yeah. Jim Jeffery's always wears leather. So I don't, to be, it's just to be, and I think it's weird to be too different than who you are. Yes. Yes. So I go snakes and genes and, you know, tempi improv, I'm like, I gotta get a jacket here.

This is, oh really, okay. And I was at Salt Lake City Wiseguys. This is it part of it too. I'm like, what gotta get a jacket here. This is... Oh, really? Okay. And I was in Salt Lake City, Wiseguys. This is part of it too. I'm like, I went to the Wiseguys and my guarantee was nice. Yeah. So I'm like, I gotta put a jacket on. Yeah. Yeah. In certain places, you're like,

you give me a certain amount of money. I'm like, you gotta present. Yeah, the lady thing is tough because my gal will do a set. And she's like, if I'm wearing a nice outfit, no one's laughing. If I wear sweater and jeans, no, no. If I wear sweater and jeans, she's like, they, they, listen. Yeah, I don't know.

I think a lot of people put more thought than I do into stuff like that. I had a comic recently, he was Asian, he was like, I feel like I have to address that I'm Asian or else they're just confused. And I think that's insane. That's crazy. I've never, and people, yeah, if you're aware of sneak, I just think.

As a non-Asian, I say don't address. I'm sick of hearing everyone go up and go, I'm Asian, I'm black, I'm in the Middle Eastern, like, yeah, we can see you. We got it. Right. Yeah, so I don't know. I don't put too many rules in. The shorts, everyone says, you don't wear shorts, so I just don't wear shorts, but I don't think that's that crazy either, honestly. I don't, I see stop rows wearing just Sam Talow wear shorts, no one cares.

Yeah, and then they start talking and you're like, this guy's great. Right, no, it's ever like, no, he has shorts. I just don't quite get it. Yeah. So, I'm with you, I'm with you. I just, I think being a southerner It the dress fuck me up because there's a lot of like whoa you got to wear a jacket in here

And I went to high school out of where uniform right so I think I got some Nazi jizz in me with the with the uniform thing Yeah, I can remember the certain people like that I remember being at the stress factor years ago in a friend of mine I had a t-shirt and he's like do you want to borrow my jacket? He's like yeah, this is weird whoa I was like I'm featuring at the stress factory in New Brunswick. And you're featured in it.

I'm like, what am I, what, I don't get it. I know who that was, by the way. And then I'm like, some of these like, a corporate gig again, it's like the given you of whatever it is, thousands of dollars. Of course. If it's five figures, you're like, let me put something on. Yeah, yeah.

You put on a $300 jacket, but if you're just at the stand, yes, you're getting $40 on a Wednesday. But it's all pipes, it's all changing, because I did two corber gigs last weekend, and I realized I forgot to pack a nice thing. I'm wearing jeans, I forgot to get slacks, or whatever. And I just said, I got a polo in here, I threw the polo on with a jacket,

and you show up, and all these big wigs, they're wearing a blazer with khakis and a t-shirt or jeans and a t-shirt and a blazer. They're all hip now Right you know forties the new 20 or whatever the hell tell that to Epstein Yeah, I don't yeah, it's um it's tricky, but yeah, I never wanted to put too much As you shouldn't I was just curious. Yeah I never wanted to put too much to that. No, as you should, and I was just curious. Yeah.

Um, but that's a wild story though. Oh man, a lot of cash. I deposit it the next day. I love throwing it in the bank, because you go, here you go, and I just throw them a sack and they go, fuck, all right. All right. Yes!

That was a really long, uh, sound to the lambs. Oh, yeah. That was the first take. He's a piece of beans. Can we cut it down a little Anthony? He's like, okay, whatever you want. I can't do accents.

I don't know why I'm doing this instead of... Is he a sir? Sir Anthony Hopkins, yeah. He's a sir, Elton Johnson sir. Everyone's a sir, really. Cartage. What? No.

That's a guy. Michael Cain, I think. Oh, Michael Cain. Doesn't it feel like you could just name older British people and just assume they are Peter O'Toole sting McKenna that guy McKen he's in Lord of the Rings Oh Ian McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck McNeck Exactly. Sting a sir, can you be sir, sting? That doesn't feel right. I think it'd be a sting, sir. That was a great old Dana Carbibit. Call me sting.

Oh yeah. Yeah, right, right. Good, good, a norm bit too when they're naming the Fantastic Four. He's like, I'll be Mr. Fantastic. He's like, wait, wait, what? He's like, I'm the thing. You're gonna be Mr. Fantastic.

Similar to the delicious red delicious. What's that one? He had the same kind of bit about the apples. Oh, he had the apples. This is the McIntosh apple. And the guy's like, red delicious. What's that one? He had the same kind of bit about the apples This is the Macatosh apple And the guys like red delicious. Yeah Boy, he was fan Tastic funny guy and then boy really just flip flop those bits. He's like I can reuse this formula here Yeah, why not that's what most artists do I know I know I've known I've noticed I've caught myself doing it. I'm like, this sounds like a bit I wrote in

2012. Yeah, I think like, I mean, you think of like the stones, you have satisfaction is like, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun You only have five things. Well, you're right where you know. Exactly. And I think if people like you, and they come see you, and they see you again, they'll like that too. Right. Yeah, then you got Scorsese here, like, all right, here's the New York crowd movie with Robert DeMille. And with the classic rock background. Yes, give me shelters in every movie.

Every movie. And they say with a what's his face, West Anderson. I mean, you can't get more stylized than Wes Anderson and every movie is the same. And it's just different plot. And we love it. Yeah. Some of them fall off pretty significantly. It really is. Yeah. Yeah.

It came out of the gate with Bollorock and Rushmore and then Tenon Bombs. Well, you know what happened. No. You lost Owen. Is that right? Owen wrote the first three with them Oh, and is the Larry David of West Anderson. Oh, and is good. Wow What a talent Owen me money wow how about that? Yeah, but I'm doing these films

Just Sugimoto keeping eye out Sugimoto and and and and Rubenhof yeah, and that's very exciting But they're both back-to-back weeks so I'm memorizing two different films and chapters. I got rehearsal, I got to go to rehearsal, Jerry. Wow, plus you're doing stand up, plus you're maybe having a kid, plus you're traveling. It's a lot, it's a lot going on. Yesterday I had a podcast, radio, rehearsal, three sets. Cheese, they changed.

Something else, today we're doing back-to-back episodes, then rehearsal, then sets. Wow. It wow too much Jerry It's wild, but just think about that June you're gonna be coasting June will be nice June is good Big June taint, but Don't we have the podcast that day? No the 22nd June 22nd live up 27th Grammar see grammar see settle sell out baby. And the last one was a hot one, so get tickets. But in the rehearsal yesterday, one of these things,

I play a sheriff. And I tackle a guy, which is exciting. You sure this is a gay porn? No, yeah. I'm in fuck, it's not a porn. Okay, okay, okay. There's a plot. Pants list with just the gun belt.

That's not bad. That's not bad, you're under arrest, cowboy. You're under arrest, sugar. So I'm gun belt. That's not bad. That's not bad. You're under arrest, cowboy. You're under arrest, sugar. So I'm the sheriff, and I tackle the guy. So Rubinov, he brings in a stunt coordinator. Ah, here we go with the coordinator. Which feels a little crazy.

It's worth it, I got the coordinate. So I literally meet this guy who's playing the guy, and he's just an act I made him. And I met him like 10 minutes ago And now it's like we got a stunt coordinate so we blow up a mattress and I'm just tackling this boy I met 10 minutes ago. Oh, this is heaven Paradise like 50 times and the day before I did some chest work up I did some chest workout. You know, you have a workout challenge

doing these things. Oh, though, that's a ton of the butterfly. That's no joke. Yeah, I was doing a lot of butterflies. Family's got a lot of buffers. So I was doing butterflies and presses and pushups and whatever, pretending to be a person. Amazing.

Yes. And then the next day, they go, we got a stunt coordinator. So I'm, you know, smoking a butt with my pants off, going, okay, coordinator, again, I'm not an attacker, somebody. There you go. And they go, what there you go and they go what you guys like What's your combat experience? I'm like well I did MMA for four years and he says I don't believe you and I go well Whatever I'll choke you out right now. You son of a bitch. Yeah subway. So we start practicing and I'm tackling him and tackling him over and over again

And next thing you know one of the tackles the classic move. He's like all right. What's new one more? Just so we have no and you tackle you. And you tackle, you just hear, and my chat, I tore something over here. Come on. But my right nipple, I got it, like, I'm like, ah, no. And then you come up and you're doing this, and like, did you hurt yourself?

But you don't want to say yes, and you're like, well, I was lifting, and like, you've never lifted anything. Yes, yes, yes. So you tore a tit. So I got a tit tear, and I feel like it has, that's something good, dinosaur. A tit tear.

Yeah, yeah. I kinda, maybe not a little bit, whatever. You swing, you miss. Tit mouse. But yeah, I'm walking around with a tit tear. Now I'm afraid to tackle this son of an engine. Oh, man, you okay? I think it's okay, but if it was the left side,

I'd be in the hospital. What? Well, I thought I think it was the ER, you know? What do you call it? Heart attack. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. I got, got, got, got. What? Well, I thought I'd think it was the ER, you know? What do you call it? Heart attack. Oh, right, right, right, right. That got got got. But is that when you're working at your tearing muscle,

that's what being sore is, is your muscle trying to heal? I know, it's weird and, that's how he always talks about that perspective of like, if you had a disease that made you feel the way you do while you're working out, you'd be like, I have a horrible disease. When you're working out, you're like, this is good for horrible disease. But when you're working out, you're like, this is good.

Feel it, baby. Feel it burning. Feel it burning. You're like, limping, you're like, oh man, I'm so sore, I did 500 squats. That's true. But if you just had a disease, you're like, my legs are dying.

Yeah, that's interesting. That's kind of what COVID was. You're just like, I feel run down. I feel like I ran a marathon, but I didn't get off the couch. Yeah. We're, or hung over. If there was a disease that made you feel hung over, I feel like I ran a marathon, but I didn't get off the couch. Yeah, we're hung over. If there was a disease that made you feel hung over, forget about it.

That disease is called alcoholism. Yeah. It's real folks. Well, I heard you ever see the movie A Beautiful Mind? Yeah, I didn't care for it. Yeah, well, Russell Crowe, whatever. But I think it won best picture, by the way. I think so.

I love that shit. Yeah, either way, his roommate in college, he's supposed to be in college, he's like 61. And his roommate in college comes and he's like, I'm hung over, you know, when you're hung over, that's because your body's dehydrated. So I wonder if when you're out in the desert for too long, stranded, if you feel hung over. And I remember as a kid being like, but now I'm like, I don't know about that, because you know, you're guzzling poison. It's probably a different feeling than being thirsty.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, just something that was in the back of my ass. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think we have to end on that. What? We're wrapping up, baby. Oh, no.

George is saying cut it. Geez, sorry, am I brought up the beautiful mind? We got nine more episodes to record in the next half hour. It was a beautiful ending. I'll tell you that. Great episode though. Solid app. I think they've usually dipped off by now and now.

Yeah, we're all dipping. Count your money folks. Don't put it in your suitcase and 10 grand. Don't bring it to Canada. I know. I know a lot of the two's gays are traveling with $10,000 at all times, but, um, I'm sure we got a couple of CEOs out there, drug dealers.

Yo, we should start doing this thing that these people do with a plug in the middle, the middle plug. Ah, the hair plug. That's big, because I got about 11 people coming to half these shows, and I think it's the plugs. Really? Hair plugs. Yes, yes, butt plug.

All right, well, we'll do a middle plug. Let's try it. Middle Earth, middle seat. I'll be middling for, uh, take the follow. Let's try it. Middle Earth, middle seat. I'll be meddling for Victor Pollo. We'll get funny when this show started. We had nothing going on. We were meddling for DiPollo. You were counting fences.

I don't know what the fuck you were doing. I was counting on ones at the Newark Airport. And now here we are, really all over the place. When's this episode come out? June 13th Jesus Christ. Well, happy Pride month, everybody. We'll record this in January of 19th. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck COVID is, but size.

Not that scary anymore. No, no, man, we're recording this. Well, try to think who died recently. Who, tell me what he must have died? Already lying in Howard Stern. Yeah, yeah. Oh, stupid start, Billy Graham. Yeah. Yeah. Oh Billy. Super star Billy Graham wrestling died today. All right. That was before my time. I don't know

Billy. Yeah. Graham crack 70s. I think. Oh, okay. Well, it just went nowhere. But all right. All right. I'll be this weekend. Columbus. Funny bone. Uh, terrible. Oh, great. Funny. One of the best maybe probably the best funny bone in America. Hang on, Sloopy. Sloopy hang on. Hang on, Sloopy. Sloopy hang on. Oh, H.

I, Oh, Tuesday's a Grammar C June 27th. And then July and August crazy. Irvine, California, Irvine improv, July 13th through the 15th. San Jose improv, July 20th into the 22nd. Providence comedy connection, August 3rd to the 5th. Portland helium, August 10th to the 12th.

And then of course the Dallas improv, August 24th through 26th. And then in September, I got Zaini's cobs San Francisco and Nashville in September. That's going to be so. Yeah. It's gangfest too. Oh, you better believe it, baby. All right. I've been Australia say hello and then I'll come back and it's right on to a theater tour

and Netflix special look up for that look up for his YouTube's best and yeah, check out get tickets Mark Dome and comedy dot com and we'll see you on the 27th at the grammar see and then I've been filly on the 22nd August 22nd. Yes, thanks. I see two weeks from today. Yeah, what do you got check check? All right, so check out my pot fun bearable. We just had on, you know, episodes of Doug key, Andrew Chivone, Matt Wayne, Alan Fitzgerald, who's, who is special. I'm directing.

It's coming out right around this time. I think he's having a release party at Grove 34 in June 30. It's actually, well, well, well. And check out me in Brad this weekend at Contropolis, Massachusetts. We'll be moderating panels. I don't know who we're gonna moderate for you But there'll be a bunch of people there Joey Fattone Luforigno. It's gonna be weird, but Jesus grace the incredible

Cuck it's right join that patreon forgot say it's like a baby I can't afford a baby my back sweat and join the patreon. There's so much. I mean what recorded I Can't even remember how much we've recorded, it's insane. It's so much, the comedy specials, I mean, we did Bigger Blacker, we've got a Chappelle's in there, Killed'em Sobli, and not to mention, Home Alone, uh, there's a New Hot Gayset's coming out

right around this time too. Oh, great. Because we have one in the can for when Mark's gone. Hell yeah. And Mike Cannon's on it, It's a really fun one. That's 109. Oh wow! 109! That was recorded in January, 2009.

Toward that building down. Yeah. So join that. It's a great episode. Great stuff. So much, great stuff. Hours in a hour. So, thank you very much. Great love. God love you.