Tuesdays with Stories! - #509 Red White and Goo

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

Mark's back from Australia - but before that we gotta talk Wayne's World 2 everybody! Mark is back from the other side of the equator and he's got stories galore! Cocaine discoveries, getting removed from airplane exit rows, and all the splendor and beauty that comes with being down under! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Support the show by going to https://displate.com/tuesdayswithstories?art=624740987334c to get up to 34% off. - This episode is sponsored by BlueChew. Want to have better sex? Visit https://go.bluechew.com/tuesdays to receive your first month FREE -- pay only $5 shipping.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't just- Here we go. We're live in three, two. Hey folks, here we are at party time, excellent. It's like we're looking at Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Hey folks here we are party time excellent It's like we're looking at Wayne's basement only that's not Wayne's basement What's not to watch Wayne's world swing oh geez the first one. It's been a while But it is killer. Yeah, but my friend Matt Wayne hold them dubs. You know him a big Wayne's world

He's in how about that? Hey out of the gate. He's a big Wains World 2, superior to Wains World 1. How do you feel about that? Oh, it's always this guy. Return of the Jedi is the best one. Godfather threes my favorite. I hate ice cream. Get outta here with that shit. I mean, I haven't seen Wains World 2 since 1988, but...

Sure, I saw it in the theater. Yeah, me too. I mean, I remember liking it, but I don't know it. I don't know anything about it. I don't remember the plot. I think I saw it twice, maybe. It's Cassandra, the, whatever her name is. Teacarrera, we met, what's that? That's right. Outside of the cellar. Swing indeed. She's a hot piece of ace.

Hoyol! I think she's half, uh, trans, but then there's walking. Walking villain. Yeah, really? Yeah, yeah, they did. Bank of Sandra. I have no recollection of the graduate spoof at the end because he's about to marry her. I do remember that. I remember that vaguely. Yeah. And that's all I remember. But one is way better. And it just sets it all up and the TV program that's all public access

a rarer chicago with the with the the queen in the beginning uh... the star with that and go yeah that was huge what an opening but they open with that because that's originally in the first no not saying the first this is the talk with the first one oh yeah that was a killer of the city i see the spirit directed it i got distracted i see i thought you're saying the second one opens with bohemian rhapsody

Okay, the first one opens with it and it's killer Alice Cooper That's the first one feed my Frankenstein. He knew a lot for a roadie that stuff. No, okay. Yes Chris Farley cries all that shit Here we go, you know, he's the rocker guy, it's gold. Right, okay, yeah, the first one is good, but I watched it a while ago now. It's weird, we're like so old. Cause I was like, I watched it recently,

but I was like, now that was seven years ago, cause we're in the old department. Yeah. But I remember Sarah and I watched it and I was like, I don't think this holds up so great. But I don't know, you know, maybe I was in a mood, you know, the mood, I wasn't with friends. Yes. But I was 38 at the time, but when you saw it when I was 11, I was know, maybe I was in a mood, you know, the mood. I wasn't with friends, but I'm you know

I was 38 at the time, but when you saw it when I was 11 I was like this is mind blowing mind blowing What happened to Mike Myers? I mean what a run he had he was the guy who he had the Austin powers the Wayne's world the other one Yes, wreck. I mean he was cooking. What is he done lately? He did that weird He was cooking. What has he done lately? He did that weird hair set, no the sexy guy, the sex guru, and it was just, then he just off-fowers three and all shit in my mouth. Yeah, boy, he was hot.

Oh yeah, okay. Nobody stays hot. You better watch out, buddy. That's why I never wanna be hot. I just wanna be warmish. Luke, Luke list. Just the first touch of the left dial, you're like, it's a little warm,

but I can't do anything with it. That's what I want. Yeah, it's the same with a pus. You want a pus to be warm, but you don't want a hot pus, because then you're like, well, I'm going right in the gonorrhea alley. Exactly. Same with cum.

When you drink cum, you want it to be warm. You don't want a hot boiling cum to burn your little hangy thing off. No, I guess not hot come. That's what they put on the a cinnabon. That was Louis bit. Oh yeah. It's is. It's the way there's that I come. Boy, his clips for the TV show come up and I'm like, this is gold. Oh, the show is very, very good. I got to get back there and watch that show. Yeah. He's pretty good. is. He's like in hiding right now.

Oh, yeah. Well, not hiding, but he's taking a break. Breatheer. All right, well good for him. He's got a hell of a year. What else does, oh, I watched white man can't jump. Oh, another, another classic. Which, you know, that's how Matt Wayne and I originally bond.

I never met anyone that knew white man can't jump so well. You can't hear Jimmy. You can't hear Jimmy. I can hear Jimmy, white rhythm section. Yeah, there ain't no views and there ain't no vista no views There's some flaws in that film though. You watch like just technicalities. What were some of them? The jeopardy thing. Oh, your wife has been studying for jeopardy for 10 years and she gets away They got her on cuz the guy worked on okay that makes a shot. Oh, Keesh though. She's like, I'm learning what's going to start with you. And then that happens to be a category.

Get the fuck out. That's wild. But one of my favorite things about it, I caught a big flaw in the film. Okay. You want to hear it? I love a flaw. So they're in originally in the motel

and then the stuckeys, the stuckeys got us come. And they bang on the door and he's like, we gotta get out of here, let's go, the stookies. And the apartment is all decorated with presidents and maps because she's studying for jeopardy. Oh right, right. I think it was like revolutionary. Like she's like a, she talks like this,

the boy week and then who knows everything. From the Bronx. Billy, Billy, no. Some great giant nip in there by the way. Oh, she had the tanked all with a can on the side It was life changing. I saw the movie in the theater with my parents Wow Parents took me to see it at Brockton East cinemas. What?

It's a lot of black culture to throw it Luke Lister Steve Lister. I know in a black town I might add to a black theater and we were the three like we're here We were like the fable men's of the Griswold. Right, right. And I'm rewatching it. First of all, I mean, so much to talk about with this film, but when the scene of the beginning where she has, she has no panties on.

He puts the money in her pussy and he's like, I'm gonna put my, you can see the side. And I think they didn't have like intimacy training and coaches back then. Like Woody Harlson's like, I'm putting this dirty money on your cut. Oh yeah. And you're gonna enjoy it. Wow, put your money where your mouth is.

Holy shit. But then they, they fuck like, they're like fucking like this with side-tit, nipples. And I was 10. Yeah, boy, boy. Oh, but the flaw. So they're in the motel. Sure, I'm getting hot and bothered.

The stuckeys, I don't wanna bother you. The stuckeys come. And Mormon bother me, we're not. They leave the hurry, right? They take off and then the next scene or two scenes later, they're in a new motel. Yes. And all the pictures of the presidents

are smacked back up there, the map. Oh yeah. So she's redecorated, they're on the run. Yeah, yeah. They left without anything. Yes. And they move into a new motel And she's like let me just tape up McKinley here and all this time. It's fully decorated What do you call motel right right with all her facts doesn't make no sense? Well, she had no job

So she's got a lot of free time, but they left without all the stuff. Oh, so she got new president She had to go on and get a new it's cycle be either little bit of it yeah you got a point to get a point there yeah oh Billy also the whole scam why would you think this guy can't play it's nineteen ninety two Larry bird is at a full career Kevin McCale's at a full career Chris mullin all these whites and Billy Hoyle has traveled to Watts yes with a basketball yes he doesn't seem suspicious you don't think he could be on the play basketball yet you think the white guy in the group would be the

best at basketball he's out of uh... and there's also a three hundred fifty pound guy because the bakery open yet why not make him play it's true and uh... her slam also, but he is a wacky looking, what, what do you hear also does that insane mug? Yeah, it's a bad mug. Bad mug, he's got the dumb hat, he's, he's all shut up, Billy Hoyle, you know, that whole thing.

And I think growing up in a black neighborhood, they just, it was just an assumption. He just go, hey, you're the honky, you got no rhythm, you're a, you're a queen. I know, but I feel like if you were really street wise, you'd be like, as a white guy who's hanging out here with a basketball. Yeah, he's traveling with a basketball clearly a hustler Yeah, he must play basketball right fun fun film nonetheless These are just fun. Sometimes people take this stuff as like you don't know how to watch a movie just enjoy I'm like I enjoy the movie. I'm having fun picking it up. It's fun

It's fun, but and there's a lot of great comedy in it, Dito Raymond, is that you? All that shit? I'm going to get my other gun, gold. Shoot everybody's ass. But Wesley Snifes is so goddamn charming. And he's so smooth and confident and funny and all that shit. Ooh, it's so pretty.

Oh, he's good. Man, I want to fuck him. But Raymond is the best character and before the movie. Not guys like an NBA player. Who's gonna UCLA star, yeah. No way. Big star UCLA played with the Blazers, I think. And I think the pawn shop guy was a comic.

Yes, he was a famous comic. Red. Black. Yeah, red. Not fucks. Just died recently. A couple years ago. Time is a construct.

Little red riding hood. I never know what that means really. When people say, gender's a construct. My assholes are construct I never know what that means really. When people say, Genders are construct, my assholes are construct. No, I've never really get it. I never did constructions. I don't get it either. It's it's a lot of,

because then they go, it's a construct, it's not real. But then I'm gonna change Genders. So if it's not real, why would you change? Yeah. And it wouldn't just be all one fluid thing. And then there's toxic male. But how do you know they're toxic male?

If there's no gender construct, go! It's all very confusing. I don't wanna go down this whole too much, but someone else brought up this point too of like, people change gender, they put on like dresses and lipstick, but I'm like, aren't you appealing to the construct? Ah! The make up.

You switch genders now, you're doing all the constructed things for that gender. That seems confusing too. That's good. I'm just saying I'm confused. I'm not saying nothing about anything. I can't be confused. I'm confused sexually.

I'm very fluid. My father's gig. By the way, speaking of way, I'm getting all these gifts. I got to say thanks to everybody. Look, this one just came in the mail. My father's gay onesie for the folks at home. Yeah, all right. Thank you, everybody.

I mean, everyone is so sincerely excited and happy. Someone gave me a bidet by the way shout out Wow to Mr. Biday mate. Bighay. Yeah, hell yeah I came in the mail once and all the letters got stuck together, but that is a good time You see I like stuff. You don't have to think about too much That is very funny funny guy. I mean we got to get into it because I That is very funny. Funny guy, I mean, we gotta get into it because I've missed the hell out of you, my son.

Get a bit back, Fanny. It's so weird, we were talking about this off air, but it's weird, because you went all over the planet and the whole thing and I went over here and up there and saw my sister's asshole for a couple of days. And now you're back and I'm back and it's like you were never gone. I know, it just swings by and I was in a whole another world.

It was a whole, you know, an ecosystem over there where you got your opener, you got your tour manager, you got your wife, you got your mistress, and it's, you just will live in that world for a while, and then you're back here. I mean, it must have been quite exciting. All I can think about is the women, my God, they must be all these surfer chicks who are like,

oh, Mark, oh, I can't do the voices. Yeah, it's a hard accent. Yeah. Oh. I've told you before, I've made love, and I hope they don't hear this. I've made love to two Australians in my life, and both asked me to come in their face.

100%. It is interesting. Well, it's a wild place over there. You remember in the 90s when Whitey was a little more wild? That they have that. They're on an they're not they're not as like toxic male It's shut up sit down. It's a women's world futures female. They just like whoa their beard drinking a nut job bogeon rednecks Right, you know that they still have that like streaking them that that that fire in the tit right We don't have that every you know every way guys like yes sir

I'll do whatever you want. I'm a presser critical race, you know do whatever you got piss it by mouth They don't have that they're just like yee ha sure that what is bogeon? I don't know bogeon is there redneck always that right yeah, I didn't know that and it's like you got a teach me the Lingo I never went there for a month for God's sake. I got the whole thing down I love the slurs. It was the first thing I asked the pilot when we got there. I said, give me some juice. And he said, you know, you gotta watch out over here. It's very ethnic.

And I go, oh yeah, what are we talking to? He goes, Italian. Like, that's how white it is. Wow. Italians, I go, I'm half Italian. He goes, get out of my face. I'm not a fan. Wow.

They call them wugs. Wugs? Wugs is an Italian. Or like a darker, like a Middle Eastern is a wag they changed the p to a g Wap wap wap and wag wap and wag sounds like a do-op dance Bogan It's sitting on both bogan for a couple seconds. That's good. Not bad So bogan heroes, but

Just had a hell of a hoot in a handy. They call it a hoolly-doolie. A hoolly-doolie. That's a fun tie. We're having a real hoolly-doolie. Yeah. All cut chocoblock means full. You know, that this room's chocoblock. All these wacky term fanny means pussy. I've heard that. So there's all these wacky little little twists no kidding It's a whole other world of it and they're about 10 years behind us So when you come out there with your jokes and your zingers and you you come up stick. Oh, geez This guy's advanced Wow, and you're like no, you're just still on a weird out and did you had the toilet?

Did the toilet flush in I checked the toilet the problem is the toilet now just goes oh? It's one of those. Yeah, it's like an airplane toilet. They're better than us in a lot of ways. The clean, it's safe. Everybody makes a living wage. You don't have to tip. The no tipping is a beautiful thing.

It's lunch. So there's just no tip. So they get paid and you don't tip. That's it. They go, oh, I'm good. I make a decent amount of money as a bartender. Wow. They just get paid well.

They have health care. But here's my big deduction. Because they all move to America eventually, if they want to hit it big. Sure. So we do have that. Oh yeah. You're over there going, wow, they're better than us,

they're smarter than us, they're more attractive, they're thinner. But there's not a lot of exceptionalism. Right. They don't have a Steve Jobs and a LeBron James over there. Right. You know, you don't have a Steve Jobs and a LeBron James over there right you know I went when's that you don't hear about a lot of Australian guys inventing the iPhone or whatever yeah, I wonder what they've

The did you read Vendid The boomerang rugby or what do they have that's all British? Yeah, I guess it's all British really they do a lot of our movies. They love our music You walk into a nightclub. It's Tom Petty playing. Wow. Yeah, it's heaven. Yeah, I gotta go down there You would love it. They would love you. They got a lot of it's all pipes some gay Gizzen my ass. I was on my way there that goddamn coven Yeah, fuck coven they locked it down hard that there are nanny state. What's that made well my opener James

McCann shout out funny son of a B. He's a young blood, huh? What happened to young blood? Oh, he opened to I guess I'm talking about it The host he was the local I see the local quake fanning and He goes you better buckle up mate, and I'm like I'm in the back seat and he's like oh they'll get you that's a $400 fine I'm like, I'm in the back seat and he's like, oh, they'll get you, that's a $400 fine. I'm like, I'm afford a back seat. Nobody buckles in the back seat, he goes, yeah, we do it here, they get you on everything here.

So he's like, we get free healthcare, but you pay for it up the ass with a, you got an open toe sandal, that's a fine. Well, that's the thing when you have free healthcare, you got a monitor, because you can't have these free assholes, because that's why we can't have free healthcare here, although we should. But everyone weighs 900 pounds, and they're like, that's gonna cost the taxpayer seventy five thousand dollars because you're drinking a seventy five

Hounds coke at the movie theater exactly and then the guy's so fatty needs to seats on the plane and he yells at the airline Yeah, it's a good the top seat tervey world for the fats. It's all Pics and backwards, but all right. Well give me me some of the juice, give me some of the goods. I mean, I want an Australian cactus cock. Write my ass. All right, well, let's start from the get-go. Flight out of Newark. Here's where they get you.

Pfft. This is it. So we fly from Newark to San Fran. Okay. San Fran to Sydney. San Fran to Sydney. Sydney to Perth. Ah Perth. And Perth is another five hours.

So you land in Australia, this excursion, this 20 plus hour flight, and a San Francisco flight, which is six hours, nothing to sneeze at. And you go, we made it, we got one more. And I go, what are you doing? I'm texting my agent. Why the fuck am I going to Perth first? That's what I'm wondering.

And he goes, because Perth is on the other side of the island, you got to get it out of the way. It's going to be hell, but you won't have to go back there. You can just fly home. Right. So not bad. That's not bad, okay. Because either way, because you'd rather do that

than fly from Perth on the way. You got your fresh legs. Exactly, exactly. And he's like, it will be hell. You suck it up at the beginning, but then you're good to go once you knock that out. So I was like, all right, fuck it. And I bring the lady, I get bumped up to first class

for the San Fran. Nice. She's in the back where she belongs and the kitchen. Absolutely, love it. Yeah, and you know, this is my gig, suck it up, sister. You know who you're married. Couldn't agree more. Thank you. And then I go, you know what, is my gig, suck it up, sister. You know who you're married. Couldn't agree more. Thank you.

And then I go, you know what, the wife's coming. This is a big moment. I'm springing for the lay down to first to Sydney, the 20 asks. Oh yeah, you got it. I mean, I really think international trips, no matter what it cut, put your house up for say, like a mobster who gets arrested, put the house up for collateral, get the lay down gets arrested put the house up for collateral get the lay down It's a different trip for you here here. So she's never done the lay down. Oh, we always fuck standing up

But I got it a lay down we're across from each other. She's here. I'm here We're both land down covers up. We cheers cookies the cookies are warm. I got a champagne She's hand she's hand job at me we got all the movies That was the highlight of the trip was that was the lay down. I didn't want it to end I took a nap I watched 80 movies I ate the I ate all her meals. She didn't want them She was asleep. I was like oh, thank God. I ate nine desserts the ice cream cart Jerry. There's a cart Wow, you can get the walnuts the sprinkles the jimmies the whip cream you name it remember the old joke and then the the the lady says you get the walnuts, the sprinkles, the jimmies, the whipped cream, you name it. Remember the old joke and then the lady says, you want a walnuts? Yeah, would you like jimmies? Yeah, would you like rainbows, sprinkles? Yeah.

And how would you like your nuts crushed? Well, how would you like your titshot on? I'd never heard that one. I think it was in a film. I forget the film. I like it. It was a good one, honey. Anybody need anything? Well, the blowjob, he leaves the microphone on. I want two things, a blowjob and a cup of coffee. Don't forget the coffee. I like the lady runs out and goes, don't forget the guy. The best part of that is when he says,

you've been in a plane, he goes, no, but it works better if you tell it first person. Fun film, a lot of flaws there too. Big flaws, bad apples. How do you like them? So, flight, we get to Perth another five hours We just like god damn it and that was coach and that that was a kick in the dick because you're all wonky The time is different you got a little sleep, but not enough whatever land and Perth

It's a Perth is like the joke town there like oh Perth. That's the fucking boonies. That's a sticks beautiful city Right on the water, clean, pretty, you know, they're younger than us. What do you mean? The America is what? 290 years old. Oh yeah, not that many. Two 50.

50, 50. They're probably two five, two oh five or something. Wow. And it's, you got a hand to the, I know it's all prisoners. They did a hell of a job. Well, you've got prisoners, you know, prisoners are good people, you know, yeah.

They're not all pedophiles and murderers. Some of them are parking ticket and DUI. Sure. So they threw them over there too, and they had to make it work, and where's that movie? I want to see the movie and the prisoners going, well, we're here. Let's start digging.

We need a road. We need a Walmart. Well, you got cool hand Luke, kind of I'm talking about what I see I had to start the city right they just landing on this Bastard land. It's all spiders and rocks and kangaroos and they said how we got to put a skyscraper right here That's something we got to get plumbing going we got to have a didgeridone Don't I don't know. It's impressive. It's wild that it all got created We're sitting in a storm the 17th floor right here. These these are load bearing walls

They're not gonna come down. We're just up in the sky. I mean It is would Jerry. I thank God for smart people I think this I don't know I have no idea how one single thing works the cameras filming us somehow I look ugly on there the microphone's got a foam thing We're sticking out of it. The fact that I'm talking in here, and now people are listening to this across the globe. It's Kuku Banana's, I don't know where to begin, but thank God for those nerds out there who didn't get laid and figured it out because we were not doing it. How in the movies live inside the TV?

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Get on it. So I'm in Australia, we're in Perth, and we go, what are you doing Perth? They go, you gotta see the Quaka. Got the Quaka. You know about Quaka? No, I don't know about the Quaka. Quaka, Quaka, Quaka.

It was a Quaka shit to be asked to be, but then these little, uh, little rodent things are about this big, like a little, uh, nutrient almost or a beaver. Quaka barrel. Yeah. And they're, uh, they live on this rottenness island and you take a ferry to the island

and you pet them and you feed them. And they're animals? They're little animals like that. Little, they're cute. That they're on my Instagram. They're really cute and you feed them. They're not supposed to, but little animals, like that. Little they're cute, that they're on my Instagram. They're really cute and you feed them. They're not supposed to, but we did it anyway. We gave my screen, Cheeto.

We brought America to this island. Mammals and phybians. Yeah, we wrote it thing. Okay. And they're cute. You could pet them and they hop. They're cute. How about that?

But they've taken over this whole island and there's like two things on the island. There's a hotel, a beach, and a restaurant, and it's all Quackaville. That's three. All right. So get out. What's that discolula?

So we go, hey, we gotta go see the Quackas. So we got, we look at the ferry and everything's like four hours. It's an island off the Australian island. So you go, this is where young blood is good is good young blood goes you could take a chopper, but it's like 1500 clams And I go well, what's that in American because the dollar is worth less there so we win Wait wait no the dollar's worth more our dollars worth more right I see yes So it's about 68 cents to the dollar. Okay. That's pretty good So that's like $900 exactly so I go fuck it. Let's do it. How often are we in a chopper? Wow? Let's go full Kobe and

We we got a Brad the promoter. We got this guy Scott and he's the tour manager and having them on board was awesome and We just rent the chopper we go over there and We pet the Quakas. We fed him. We got photos. We fucked one we come back on a chopper chopper, we go over there, and we pet the quakas, we fed them, we got photos, we fucked one, we come back on a chopper. Chopper, sick balls. That's a chopper, baby. So that's exciting. So it's just you, young blood, did the young blood bring a dame or what was he doing?

So you just had a third wheel the whole time? Is that get weird? Third wheel did, we ended up making out with him at one point just to let him feel included. And he also said that we had the tour manager And we had the promoter who are awesome. I mean, they brought Louis out. They brought Chris Rock out these guys They love comedy Gillis, you know, everybody so it's got Brad Super cool and a big booze bag so we all had a great time that away Brad

Yeah, but you're having so we just saw these Quackas we had a great time and Not a way, Brad. Yeah, be rabbit. So, we just saw these quackas, we had a great time, and then we flew back into a show. And did you have the headsets with the tockies? You got the headsets. I'm going to go, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, whatever, all that shit. All that shit. That's fun. And you get just, you're bringing the helicopter.

Many times. Just that lift. And you're like, wow, we were on the ground and we just went like that. There's no runway. It feels funky, and it's quite dangerous too. Is that right? Wow. Kobe and the other guy.

Yeah, the war. Yeah, yeah. Black Hawk down. Black Hawk. Black Hawk up my ass. Oh up, yeah. Okay. That's a good porn.

Black Hawk up and then dot, dot, dot my ass. That's not bad. You know, it's like a, you know, African porn. That was Africa, right? What was that? Somalia. Oh, now, yeah. I think it was Somalia.

I thought. I think it's like Kuwait or something. I think Black Hawk down Somalia. Really? I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. Can we get a reading on that? Check.

Somalia. Black Hawk down. I don't know. I thought that was Kuwait or Baghdad or one of those. I'm thinking Somalia. Okay, that is... Bosnia. They're very hungry over there.

I think it's Somalia. Hit me with a Somalia. Come on, hit me with it. Alright, let me know. Hit me with Somalia. Come on, big Somalia. I believe it won best pick. Show me Somalia.

Oh! Wow, the wine expert of Somalia. Woo! Alright. How wine expert of Somalia. Woo, all right. How about that, Somalia? Yeah, but Africa, there's parts of Africa that feel Middle Eastern. That's true. Egypt's a desert, Somalia, there's Muslims,

there's desert, Muslim desert, same thing. Yeah, there you go. And it's also like just across the thing there, the strait. Ah. You know, it's like long it's like Long Island to Connecticut. Right, okay. You know what I mean? Egypt, Saudi Arabia is like a 10 minute swim.

The straight, yeah. I think. Well, they should be one to fire Island called the gay. If we're gonna have a straight, I like that. I gotta mix it up. The gay of Gibraltar. Yes.

Now that's a porn. He's rock hard. The rock of Gibraltar, okay. My Hudson, he was gay. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, he's rock hard. The rock of the broth. Okay. Mark Hudson, he was gay. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Maybe the rock is. Cock Hudson.

Okay, cock Hudson. Now that's a game porn star, cock Hudson. That's pretty good. How do we miss that? All right, so go there, do the chopper, and you know, I was supposed to do Australia a year ago, but then COVID jizzed in my ass, so then you wait another year,

so tickets move a little more, because you actually have more time. It's like I hidden a little helper there. Right. So we sold these, this theater out, and it was great. We did two shows there. We had this guy Andrew Wolf open. He was fucking hilarious. The comics there, it's almost like England,

where everybody's funny. Australia's got that. They're funny people. Right. And he opened and just killed it and having a tour manager. I've never had before. So you're on the way to the theater and he's texting you. What are you hungry for?

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I don't know. Thai food. He goes, we'll get Thai food for the green room. And I'm like, oh, okay. So every night it was like, what do we think? And theater, knees, burgers, barbecue. And you go, you just text Scott.

Hey, barbecue tonight he goes, I'm on it. No, it's incredible, it's the greatest. I've just been on the Louis tour where he's like, he'll say to me, hey, find some, what do you want, feel like eating? Find some place to eat, then you just text Leah and then you get there in this like a $300 steak sitting there with juice and come all in it.

It's fantastic. And Louis got half of it on the sweater. It was great. Yeah, those were those were good times. And you know, I've never lived like that. And you go outside, he's like to pick up to 650. You go, okay, there's a black van waiting outside. And it's a good old time.

Now you could be the guy that keeps everyone in the car waiting for half an hour. Oh, yeah, I don't want to be that guy, but you can be. I could be. I could be that guy. Yeah. Yeah, and then the best part was you get a little some riff raff in the green room and you go

We had a we invented a code word because we have so many flights. You got a flight Adelaide. You got a flight of Sydney You got a flight of Melbourne, so we go. Oh, I got an upgrade and then scout would be like you got to go Now, oh yeah, that's all right. It's good for them. Well, they probably figured it out. Yeah once they were kicked out a lot upgrade talk Yeah, you know, if you're like you got an upgrade, huh? I'm like, oh, yeah, got a upgrade. Well, when's your flight? Ah three days What is a mix up? What if you actually get an upgrade then he throws may out of to the curb? I should have tried that all right, but we had a great time upgrade and Black Hawk upgrade, but upgrade and Black Hawk upgrade, but Perth was killer and then you, everybody's like, you got to get thanks for coming to Perth.

One of those is like, please, we love you. Oh my God. Thanks for coming. You fly to, oh, fly to Adelaide. Adelaide is the Austin of Australia. Now where is that on the, on the map? Surely where he touched you? That's Australia.

That's perfect. Perfect. Perth is here. Sydney Melbourne, Adelaide. Okay. So we kind of went in order. Perth, Adelaide, Sydney, Melbourne, New Zealand. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. So we go to Adelaide. It's a party town. It's not a huge town, but we went to an AFL game, which is a wacky sport. Australian football league. You got it. That's like like rugby. Yeah, it's like rugby.

And then you put it off a net or something. But soccer league, but a little football league. So you got a ball and you have to bounce it every five steps in the ball shape like a big ovary. And the ball, you bounce it, sometimes it goes over here, and you go, oh shit. And then you gotta, you can't throw it, you gotta kick it to a guy.

Right. And then you have to make it through these little posts that when you make it through the guy goes, really? It's cookie. It's cookie. You can eat a meat pie, you have a pint of beer, and they're so well-behaved.

There's not a guy like, come on, you faggot. It's just like, woo, okay. There's kids around, and then when they win they go, woohoo, and then it just goes quiet again. It's wacky. They're way more polite and behaved than us. But the fact I out there going, you fucking suck on this, O'Neal, trade that motherfucker, you know, your bum. But there's got to be some of that. I'm sure I've seen Australian brawls and jelly, because Australians come here a lot of times and are like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, But there's gotta be some of that. I'm sure I've seen Australian brawls and yelling. Because Australians come here a lot of times, and they're like out in the stands and it's a very sophisticated quiet game

There's no music, you know you go to a hockey game. It's like Hey, yeah, just trying to have a conversation between innings. I hate music publicly everywhere now It makes me nuts. I'm a hundred years old. It's brutal But they they're very polite over there and it's so weird too because cause all their players are sponsored by beer and KFC. Oh wow. Here it's with Gatorade and Nike. Right. That's all like healthy sporty shit.

Over there it's like, I eat fried chicken every night. You know, I'm an athlete. It's wacky. But I had a meat buy at two miscarriages and that thing is just fat, goo, and brown gravy. Wow. good times. I gotta get down there. But it's also fun being the novelty.

You know, you go up on stage and people are like, oh, not American. You feel like a black guy at the seller, you know? That's not a, there's a lot of black guys at the seller. But you feel like a black guy in a... Indiana? There you go. So you have like, oh, you're the Asian comic all the sudden.

You have a thing, you can go, what's up with this you guys do? And they go, oh, he knows about our thing! Go, Quaca! He said, Quaca! They don't know about Quaca! They're so stupid! And you get to be the fun, different exotic guy. Well, that's what I mean with the women and these bush women.

They must've been going bananas for you. You're a celebrity. You're American. You're a... Tractive-ish. I must have really been something. Did you see tits when they sang things? Did May have to fight anybody?

Not really. I mean, it's a theater show, so there is a disconnect. You get in, you get out, you get out. You know, meetin' great? No, meetin' great. I couldn't do it. I did a few, but they got two hairy. These guys, really, they put them back.

Right. So that Q andA every night was like Dicks yeah, just so much angry shit coming at me one guy was like she fucker. You're a sheep I don't know how's it feel whatever. Oh, geez so good times But geez so much Adelaide Adela. Adelaide. Adelaide. Adelaide has a big strip like,

like a six street. Oh, right. And it's just pouring out of just drunks and it's such a different world. And they did puke and everywhere and they're having a great time and the bar scene is booming and they have mechanical bowls

and they're really going for it over there. Wow. They really party. We drank all night. We had too much fun. And then... So do you do a show in Adelaide? Are you doing multiple shows?

We did one show at this horrible venue. It was like a warehouse kind of convention center that they made into a stage as bleachers a mile away. It was brutal. That was the one bad show, the whole trip. But great town, great people, bad setup. Now, are there, are there bums and crime? And is it like here? We were like, oh, watch out. Not at all. I saw one bomb and he was doing a crossword puzzle. He was just shuffled and stinky,

but he was just mining his own peas and dicks and a sweet guy. Yeah. It's better over there. It's just, they got a lot of, but see, we have highs and lows. We have Michael Jordan, but we also have the guy under the overpass doing heroin, you know, and they don't have that. They don't have shootings like school shootings or anything, but it's all just very, even Steven. There you go.

Wow, that sounds pretty nice to me. It was pretty nice and especially as an American, because you're like, there's not that rat race. Make a lot of money. You got to make it big. You got to hustle. There's none of that over there. It's just like, let's get a beer and sit by the water.

Right. So, great time. We leave Adelaide to go to Sydney. Now, this is, we went to Perth. We went to Adelaide. These are two kind of normal towns, but you go to Sydney. It's New York City, baby. Skyscrapers, the opera house, the harbor.

Beautiful rugby teams, giant hotels. It's like boulevards with a tram going down. Millions of people everywhere and you're like, oh shit, this is it. But so Sydney's smaller than Melbourne, right? I believe it's a haircut hair smaller, but it feels more businessy. Give me the best comparison you can.

Melbourne to an American city, Sydney to an American city. Well, they always do the LA New York one. Oh, is that right? Yeah, those are the- Which is which? They say Sydney is more LA, but I think it was more New York. And Melbourne's felt more LA. Melbourne has a beautiful beach and it's more woky

and gay, a lot of gay pride stuff everywhere. Wow. So, Sidney felt more New Yorkers congested. It's tight, there's little buildings and big buildings and little shops. Sidney Dean. Yes, yes. So, great time.

Sidney was like, Sidney swept us off our feet. We landed and they go, hey, there's a big light show downtown. I go, light show, what is that? It was amazing. It was a giant drone show. It made all these, you know, things on the sky like pictures and shit. And we went to a nice dinner. We all got along. We did shrooms. We saw the lights. We just had a ball in the theater. The end more theater was killer. We did three shows there. They were all amazing. Just a hoot and a

whole of the city swept us off its feet. Are they going crazy? You come out? Is it like, ah! It's crazy, yeah, they're bedanning. Wow. And it's so we went to the zoo, we pet fuckin' kangaroo. I held a koala.

I got a glimidia. She touched my leg. Now, isn't it wild? Do you feel insane? Because I remember doing a show in Calgary in 2010. Oh, yeah. I'm sitting in in my hotel and there's a little What do you call that? What do you call that thing? It's a used car. It just sits outside

You change the letters on it's got an arrow. It's like Coming a traction But it's light up. Yes, it's like on wheels like I said ghetto But anyways 2010 this is 13 years ago I remember sitting at a shitty hotel in Calgary and looking and just seeing Joe List tonight and was like, mmm, the lights blinking. But feeling like, this is insane.

I remember me as a five year old in my stupid house, crying, wondering why my parents wouldn't speak to me. And here I am in another nation in Alberta, up in Calgary, and my name is in light, and it blew my mind. And nobody came to see me. Sure. It's just, I'm just at a comedy club. So now you're on the other side of the planet.

Yes. Double the other side, the other hemisphere, South and East or whatever. Aha. Which is weird, because it's like a Western nation in the Eastern hemisphere. Isn't that weird? It is, it's the whole thing's out of place. It's like totally, everything's Western about it. It's a lot of East.

It's a lot of honky. But anyway, so it's mind blowing that you're selling out it's the end of it. People are going crazy and you just picture yourself as a boy masturbating in front of your mother when you were nine. Yes, I had all these feelings. You feel like a frog.

You feel like you're dupping them a little bit. Like these idiots think I'm somebody. I'm just a, a TARD from Louisiana. And now I'm over here and they think it's, it's almost like when a comic comes in from LA and you go, we gotta put them up. He's in from LA and they go, but he sucks. And you go, but he's coming from LA.

All right. You get that boost just from being an out of towner. Big boost. It's why I was thinking that people meet you, they're like shaking like, oh, you changed my life and I'm gay. And you're just thinking like, I almost killed myself like 10 minutes ago.

Yes, yes, that's crazy. And you go to these shows and they're all excited, you're like, I still have gizz on my hand for when I rubbed one out before this in a bathroom. I just had that in Columbus, you know, people are nice, it's a nice little pop. I just had that in Columbus. People are nice, it's a nice little pop. I mean, it's not theater, but it's a nice, like, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, I was just napping. Yeah, right before the show, I was literally in the green of the yumpsies, like, I'll give you time. And I'm like, I'm literally like this. Like, he taps my knee and I'm like, oh, shit. And you have no idea. It's so strange how recently we were napping. But anyways.

Nappy headed hose. You're on the other side of the planet. And it's too big. You have no idea. It's so strange how recently we were napping but anyways nappy head it hose you're on the other side of the planet and it's sold out and they're so excited to see you little Mark Norman from New Orleans or wherever you're from the gratitude is unreal But it's also uncomfortable, you know, you're like what is this? Do they know who I am? This is crazy They just hear us on all these pods. They love American shit. They love American culture They love the pods and the Rogans and the YouTubes and all the music. I came in their faces. Yes Like you come on my face. That's pre-podcast. Wow Pre-com talk about planning a flag, you know, that's fuck fuck on flag on the moon. Gis on the moon

That's the ultimate accomplish the territory. It's crazy to thinker. Well, then flying all the way back, I mean, like, yeah, I had some American come on my face, like, oh, what was it like? And you're like, is teeth for bad? He was, had no money, he was skinny, and his father hated him evidently, he started crying. But he was American, and the come was red, white, and white. Yes, wait, yeah, that a little bit more.

Red, white, and goo. There we go. That's the title. Write that down, Chuck, there. So great, great time. And yeah, you're right, it's all very wacky. It's strange, but again, they reward you for the flight, too, they go.

We appreciate you coming. We know it's held, it come here. So we're gonna give you a nice welcome because you made the journey. So you get a little bump for that. So the city shows were really, it felt like you're in a big city and pulling people in. That felt really cool.

Right. Like, oh my god, I'm in the capital town and I'm cooking. It's wild. It did be like, I got to fly 24 hours. They need some laughs down here on the other side of the planet. I mean, that is really something. And laughs from you, you know So we went to so we go to Sydney we do a show young blood finds a bag of coke on the ground

Literally we did a little we did a little meet and greet Sydney and Everybody left and you know, it's a whirlwind of people shaking hands and jerking off and kiss it on the cheeks And everybody leaves and we get all our merch together, we pack it all up, he goes, oh look at this, little baggy. And Coke over there is very rare. Hearing it Coke at the bodega over there, it's like, this bag was probably like a 50 bag,

he said over there at 600 bucks. Wow. That's how rare it is over there. So someone dropped their Coke. Just dropped a little baggy and all the excitement. And young blood found it and he's like, I'm not gonna do it. I'm like, I've never done Coke,

but let's hold onto it. So we meet up with the other commas, we go to an open mic, which was brutal. I bought my tits off. So we're 3,000 people hooting and hollering, open mics, same material. Wow. But that's comedy.

Humbles you too, keeps you fresh, keeps you you back to earth and we all go out with the comics so young blood's giving out coke like fucking Santa Claus and We go to this bar called backsters old school Speakeasy prohibition in the basement hidden really cool and One of the guys goes do you want the whiskey tour? It's an old whiskey bar and I go sure So we go on the back. It's this little cave and this guy this hot blonde guy's like eight feet tall he's like this whiskey is a million dollars this one's two billion do you want to try any of it this will be 800 K if you want to try that one I'm like I think we're good so then this guy goes we

got a bunch of coke so now all the comics are doing blow in this back room. And I had this moment of like, I'm in a basement in a prohibition style bar from, you know, 18, 19, it's the oldest bar in Sydney. I'm watching all these guys do blow in this basement, drunk, and I was like, I gotta remember this, I gotta soak this in, this will be gone. This is quite an image, this is quite a moment. And they all do blow, they wouldn't shut the fuck up.

When I slinked out the back and I went home. I mean is wild it was wild. It's like I always think about you ever watch And maybe we talked about this before but you ever watch like a documentary about something about punk rock Whatever and you're like God, I just want to be part of a scene how fun. Hey, remember we're part of a scene We're in a scene. This is how the comedy explosion and you're out there doing coke and an old saloon. Totally, totally. I was talking to Bobby Lee about this yesterday. He's like this podcast time. This will be, this will be like a documentary,

like punk rock shit. Right. It came and went and it was a great movement and they made a lot of money and fans and all that. So it turns out the coke was ketamine. Ketamine. Whatever that means. Yeah, I don't know what that ketamine is really.

Yeah, yeah. So ketamine girls, but. That's ketonice. No, no. And so these guys, like, we were up all night. We puked, we cried, we fucked, we did our taxes. And I was like, oh, that's kind of fun. So you end up seeing all these comics again and again

because I would go all the bar shows. Wow. And just, it's a little ecosystem. So you end up seeing all these comics again and again because I would go to all the bar shows. Wow and Just it's a little ecosystem. Every where you go. There's the country guy. There's the creepy guy There's the old guy. There's the mean chick. There's the cancel lady. There's the every group is the same Wow, who is the biggest comic down from Australia? Because I know Ronnie Chang was big there Jim Jeffries obviously Oh Jim Jeffries, but this guy McCann James McCann keep an eye out for his fat ass because he was cooking okay killer material So he was great, but yeah, I don't know there's always that one guy. We like watch him He's like a Stephen Wright leveled right. He can't make a buck. He's broke. He lives under a bridge So great time leave there Sydney was amazing

Maze think about moving there. We go to Bondi Beach. Bondi Beach is beautiful. It's a 15 minute Uber ride outside the city. It's incredible. It looks like Malibu moving there. Well, she's like, we should live here half the year. This is so pretty. I love it here.

It's just relaxed. I was like, yeah, we'll do a month, baby. Little side host, 29 hour flight away. That makes sense. Exactly. So, this is the city. We just fell in love. And then we fly from there to Melbourne. You're like, oh, this is actually better. Exactly. So, uh, it just, this is the city we just fell in love and then we fly from there to Melbourne. You're like, oh, this is actually better.

Wow. So it just kept getting better. It was the Pelle's theater. The most beautiful theater I've ever done. 3600 people. Uh, on the water, you look outside, you're like, that's the ocean, that's the Indian sea or whatever the fuck it is, the Tasmanian sea,, Cish, gender, I don't know, devil. Who cares?

And you're just like, this is all so crazy. This is where a Philharmonic should play. You know, a big dome and ornate and the whole thing. And God, it was just, I had to leave at one point and walk on the beach. I walked on the pier and I was like, this is insane. I had a little freak out that I went back in and did a sit. It is insane. It's just, it's unbelievable and I went back in and did a sit. It is insane. It's just, it's unbelievable.

You can't even wrap your head around it. Vids, theaters, Australia, the ocean, the time difference, the whole thing. Yeah. Then you're in a different day. So crazy. I'm like texting with you. I'm like, this is wild.

And you feel detached because I'm like, oh, I want to tell list this, but it's 2 a.m. over there. He's asleep. So you feel this loneliness, but you also feel this freedom of like, oh, no one can kind of get to a.m. over there. He's asleep. So you feel this loneliness, but you also feel this freedom of like, oh, no one can kind of get to me. My dad hates me. He can't talk to me.

That's nice. I've been troubled with my lawyer or my accountant and they got to just go, ah, he's in Australia. We'll get him later. It does feel like- It doesn't even exist. You could be that far away and that far ahead. It's so weird. It's like the Charles Schultz quote. Don't worry about the world ending today.

It's already tomorrow in Australia. Ooh, I love it. Yeah, it's so weird, it's like the Charles Schultz quote. Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia. Ooh, I love it. Yeah, that's fun. And that Schultz is good. Yeah, that's all Schultz at the airport. Ah, Andrew. That's fun to bump in him. Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah, so I gotta tell you this, we flew on the flight from Sydney to Melbourne. We had a fun moment, we had a beer at the airport, we got there a little early. So young blood's walking down the aisle, and he's a big, big fat tall guy. Good married. And he's walking down the aisle, and he sits down,

and he asks the lady, the flight attendant, he goes, does this recline? And she was like, I don't think so. He's like, ah, fuck, man, I had a couple beers on the plate. I wanted to take a nap, I'm nice, and he's, he said something, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm hammer hammered and she was like, ah, I go. Yeah, I did one of these and she comes back five minutes later and goes, uh, sorry sir. I got a movie. You're in the exit row and you said you were drunk. Wow. And he's like, I can't say. I was joking. One of my Rosa Parks, like this is crazy and I go, and she goes, yeah, you see, and he goes, what are you doing?

I was like, I'm joking around. He's fine. He's sober. He had that a drink in 20 years. He's gay. He's got a backer, cokey gave it away. And she's like, I'm sorry. You said it.

And he's like, I was joking. And she's like, you said it. And he's like, well, what if I say I'm sober? What if I make a joke about that? Does that count? And she's like, now you said drunk. So he had to move to a shittier seat. He's like, you said it. He's like, well, what if I say I'm sober? What if I make a joke about that? Does that count? And she's like, now you said drunk. So he had to move to a shittier seat. He's like, I got the seat because I'm a big guy.

It's an exit row. And he had to move. And I was like, he's on acid. He's a problem. He's like, he's on all these drugs. So he had to switch with some little Asian lady. Wow. He was furious, but it was a great moment.

That's like, because I used to do a joke about, or maybe I think I tried, or maybe Dustin did it. Tom Dustin and I went to Key West together, and we were laughing, this is obviously 17 years ago. Yeah. And we were in the next sit row, and the guy, we were together going on vacation to Key West. Well, I just had a fucking stroke.

And the flight attendant guy was gay. He was also gay. They are all gay. And he thought we were a couple, so he was really hooking us up, and we were just laughing about how shit-housed we were. And I can't even remember which one of us tried to do it as a bit, but it's so funny, the idea of like, we're in the exit row, we have to say, we're gonna help,

whatever, and then we have like 15 cocktails. So maybe they finally wised up to that. So just like, we can't have you agree to help, and then give you 38 drinks. Yeah, it's kind of counterproductive. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense. Yeah, when this plane goes down, you're like, are you willing to operate the door

and help a fat lady in the emergency? You're like, yeah, yeah, sure. But if you had 38 drinks, you might not be able to get that door open. Right. So, there you go. But he had to move, and we really laughed at him, and it's fun when your friend goes through an uncomfortable situation.

Yeah, that's the best. Yeah, and he's like in waterboarded, but he had to move to a shitty seat and he's a big big tabalard and he was uncomfortable. And it wasn't one of the long flights. No, it wasn't Melbourne to San Francisco. Two hour, hour and a half, something like that. Yeah, fuck him. But he was like, you ever, we go out next flight, no drunk jokes, no nothing.

I was like, you got it, every flight we went on. I was like, you know, having a good time. But there you go. That was Melbourne. Melbourne's great. We were in, we were out. We went to the club after the big comedy club in Melbourne and did a spot lot of gays.

I mean, the green room with 12 comics, they're all like, it's all pipes, put in my ass. That's lunch. Yeah, that's sweet. Okay, it was really as The when's Joe coming get Joe out here. I get a lot of Australia messages, but it feels overwhelming Yes, and I'm like I got to get to Australia, but in reality, I'm like like 38 people have messaged me Which is a lot but you're like yeah, exactly. I like, that's like a 60 cedar. Yeah, yeah. A lot of them don't have friends, let's be honest.

That's true, a lot of in cells out there. But great time, Luna Park, right next is an amusement park, next to the theater. So I'm looking at this theater, then there's a rollercoaster. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Wow. And the ocean, the whole thing was majestic. Wow.

It was really something. Then it's off to Brisbane. Now this is an interesting. It's not about Brisbane. Yeah, Brisbane's a cookie town. Where is Brisbane? That's north. It's more over here. Okay. It's they call it the Florida of Australia. Oh really? So I was like, oh, this will be fun. See how the Florida goes because there are already a little wacky out there. So let's see what Florida is like. We're gonna do in basalts and shoot up a gay club. Who knows?

So we get to the Brisbane, it's so pretty, it's on the beach, it's a beautiful little city with the river running through like Chicago, similar, and very nice, beautiful people, and young blood goes, I'm sick of these shitty seats, I'm gonna bid, we're on Quantus. You can bid for first class. Quantus never crashed.

Is that right? That's the big famous line from Rainman. Oh yeah. Quantus,. Quantus never crashed. Is that right? That's the big famous line from Rainman. Oh yeah. Quantus never crashed. You have got to get to Melbourne, to fly to whatever. I think he says Sidney. Definitely, definitely, Quantus.

So he's like, you can bid, have you heard of this? No, you go bid. I'll bid a hundred bucks on a first class. And if no one else does, or they bid 98, you get it. What? Yeah, so the fun move. But if you or they bid 98, you get it. What? Yeah, it's a fun move, but if you don't get it, you don't lose money. That's if the seat is open. If the seat, if there's a couple seats and if no one buys them

and they just have an open one, you can bid for it. So there's not an upgrade system there? I don't think so. Interesting. I wonder if any of the annoying Australians didn't know what you're talking about when you were like, I got the upgrade. They're like, what do you mean mate? Oh, oh. And then they get like, fucking thrown out.

Oh yeah, you're right. Maybe your secret code sucked. Yeah, well, we got out of there. Great upgrade. Okay, so we bids, so what happened? So we got it. What? And he's like, I just made a hundred bucks.

I got the best seed. He's laying down. He's eating ice cream. The sprinkles, the jimmies, the crushed nuts. The shoot your tits off, the whole thing. No kidding. Yeah, so I was like, wow, that's a pretty cool little system there.

So he, he, he, key one, he got the fuck with the drunk thing and now he's in first class, the next flight. That's good. Good for you, Jack. How's he doing, by the way, because he can really drink and get a little dice after. He went to the casino one night, one 15-hundo. That was big and then we went back the next night,

he lost eight-hundo and he went back the next night and he lost eight-hundo, and he went back the next night and he was up again. So he's an animal, he's a wild child. I worry about him a little bit, and yeah, he's a big guy, he's got children, and he drinks a lot, he gambles a lot, he scares me. Well, he's living on the edge, and we were pretty road hard and put away wet.

I mean, it's already been two weeks that we drank every single night, and you don't get any sleep, because you have to fly some days and you got to get up early and hang over and all that. We're eating meat pies and eating ass. So I go, we got to get IVs. This is out of control. We got IVs, you feel like Chappelle, you feel cool, you're in a hotel room, I'm in a suite

in Brisbane, overlooking the city in this beautiful hotel, they really hook you up out there and everything's cheaper. So I'm getting these IVs, you feel like a rock star. Brisbane, overlooking the city in this beautiful hotel, they really hook you up out there, and everything's cheaper. So I'm getting these IVs, you feel like a rock star. Wow. It's great. You be careful out there, old young blood. Yeah, careful there, but here's the wacky thing.

Each city we go to has a different time change. Some half hour. Half hour time change? Isn't that a mind fuck? Wow. So you go, hey, what's uh, what time is it in Sydney? It's three o'clock. What time is it in Brisbane? 430. You're like, what the shit? I can't handle a half hour. That throws a whole wrench in the gears. Yeah, I've never even heard of that. I've never heard of it either, but it ain't fun. Weird.

It's like when TBS did 505. Yeah. It's like a little off. 505, fuck you dead turner, you come guzzler. I read a whole Wikipedia about that recently. Hit me, fat. You know how it ended it? What fucked him is, because the run of the reasons they did it was when people would go flip around, their stuff was still on, so you would stay on the channel. Ah.

Because everyone else at like 6.55, you'd be like, all right, the show ended, let's see what else is on, and then they would click over and save by the bell would still be going. So that was one benefit, but also in the TV guide, they got their own section. Cause it was like 5 p.m.

Signed, Feld, Al, your mother's kind, Debi does Dallas. 505, it's just their thing. But one of the reasons they stopped doing it was because the channel guide Went on to the TV itself TV guide is obsolete right and then the channel guide became the the kind of checker system We're used to now I see not checkered, but like what do you call that Microsoft word or what's that called? The MSC, no. The DOS, no. Word, pipes, what do you call that? You use a analog, no.

No. No, floppy disk. But it has the wrong rectangles instead of. HTML. No, no. I thought I had that. Microprocesses. Spreadsheets.

Spreadsheets, Spreadsheets. Yeah, it's like spreadsheet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a spreadsheet, so it doesn't benefit them. I see. You see? Yes, yes. That's clever.

Yeah, it's very, well, 10 turns, it's very clever this guy. Yeah, because I hated that, but he got me, well, I watched TBS for 38 hours a day. It was great. They still start their movies off a little bit, 7.35. I just read the whole TBS for 38 hours a day. It was great. They still start their movies off a little bit 735 I just read the whole TBS Wikipedia recently about you you go. What's good to deal with this? I like to read I like to read Yeah, cuz I love to read But yeah, interesting stuff. Yeah, that's fun And I like those little those little

entrepreneurial thoughts like fuck. Let's this. It'll break the whole system. And every time it goes, that's crazy. And then they do it at work. They think outside the box and then see vetted cable news, which is crazy. And, but he had a saying, I watched the Arnold doc. Did you watch it? I loved it.

I didn't care for it. But really, the Nazi dad? Nazi dad had a controversial tweet. I had a really controversial date. What happened? Well, I didn't watch the whole thing. I guess they go back to the Nazi death. The end.

Not really. But I had no idea his dad was a Nazi. Evidently, that was common knowledge. Here's what I suspect. So they literally go like this. He's like, well, my dad, he was sad. He came back from the war and he had lost. And I was like, how's that?

Yeah. And then it just cuts to a phone with a Hitler stash. Yeah. So it was like, this is crazy. They really glossed. His dad to a phone with a Hitler stash. Yeah. It was crazy. They really glossed. His dad was a Nazi, that's wild. So I tweeted, boy, they really brushed over this Nazi thing. Ah.

And then everybody was like, what are you expecting to do? He's not a Nazi, you piece of shit, and people are very... I'm not saying he's a Nazi, I'm saying his dad was a Nazi. That's exactly what I said. It was so mind blowing that I was getting heat, but I guess Twitter, it's all controversial, but here's what I suspect. I think because he's like a Republican,

I tweeted, hey, his dad was a Nazi, and they think that I'm like trying to cancel and say, he's a Nazi. And I had to argue with like 50 people, I'm like, I'm just saying, I'd like to hear more about that. I'm not saying Arnold's a Nazi. I love Nazi.

I don't want to cancel Arnold great guy whatever bullshit yeah twins and one guy was like what else would you like to have heard I'm like am I am I like losing my mind I'm like did his dad ever express shame yes when did you learn that your dad was a Nazi was there any lingering anti-semitism would what he how do you feel about America was he ashamed and he? Did he sp- like, you know what I mean? I'm like, how into it was he? Was he at the camps? Was he not at the camps?

Did he like Hitler? Did they have a photo I Hitler on the wall? Give me something. How did he come to be a Nazi? Was he a hundred percent in? Or was he brainwashed? I mean, what, I mean, and I sound like I'm making a documentary

about Tom Dustin. His dad's a car salesman. Half the movie's about his dad. There you go. I'm not a Nazi dad. I love a dad. I wanna hear more about that. I don't know anything about your dad. There you go. I'm not a dad. I love a dad. I wanna hear more about that. I don't know only about your dad.

He could be a Nazi. And some lady, he could be. He's never said anything. I'll, but somebody was like, why, why you fishing for likes? Why not just write to him? I'm like, text Arnold? Literally, this is like a real tweet. And I'm like, I'm also like, first of all, it's on Twitter.

So it's like, everybody wants likes, but I'm like, I thought it was humorous to me. It's a funny tweet. But also, I'm like, my beef is not with Arnold. Now, it's not the filmmaker. Yes, yes. They brush over, they talk about his mother folding laundry for half an hour, and they're like,

oh, it is dad fought with the Nazis. And another person wrote, don't you think, isn't this common? Isn't everyone from Austria and Germany in that time, the son of a Nazi or the daughter of a Nazi, but I'm like, yeah, did any of them become the terminator? Yes, exactly, not a good name for a Nazi, by the way.

And I'm like, yeah, I've never heard from any of them. Yes, yes. The best one, because everyone tries to do this gotcha shit, and I'm like, you're misunderstanding what I'm saying, first and foremost, one guy was like, didn't you say you changed your name to avoid the Nazis or whatever? Can I talk about how List might have a Z,

but they changed it? And I was like, wow. I was like, hey, I said, I suspect that happened. I don't know for sure, but also, the reason I said it is that's interesting. And I'm like, how are you getting like changing a name to avoid confusion with being German? Yeah.

To being a Nazi. The man grew up with a Nazi in his home. Yeah, it's interesting. Well, I love Nazi shit as all. That's a whole history channel, it's all Nazi shit. It's interesting. It's like 300 hours of documentaries and books about the Nazis.

Yeah. And one of the biggest movie stars of all time was raised by a fought in the war Nazi. And he's this giant mogul, so maybe Nazi death is helpful. But anyways. All right. I didn't know. I didn't know. So maybe as these people knew, and people were like, he's given speeches about it before,

he's talked about it to death, fuck you. Well. And also I realized, I watched the die. It's pretty much just a puff piece. It's not like a hard hitting documentary, which I guess that's the movie I want. Right, right, right. How about the part where he fucked over his buddy

in the flexing contest? That was crazy. I was like, this guy's a piece of shit. I actually think I hate Arnold Schwarzenegger. I would have admitted to that. He's like, oh, I told you I'm gonna beat you. And he's like, he was better than me. So I had to come up with this plan. And I'm like, you cheated. Yeah, and he's like oh I told you I'm gonna beat you and he's like he was better than me so I had to come up with this plan and I'm like you cheated

Yeah, and he's like he was so mad I'm like you were just really shitty to your buddy and you didn't win fair and square. Yeah, yeah That means he's driving around in a tank and he's like yeah, I was responsible for making the Hummer a vehicle that people drive in the street I'm like all right you fucking little dick douche. Gas guzzler, everybody hated it, ruined America. Christmas. I was just like, I don't know, I find it to be like, I'm sure everyone will hate me. No, no, it was also weird when they're like,

he groped all these women, he's like, I didn't grow up any women, and on the bus, did you get to that part? I didn't get to that part, I lost the first two episodes. Well, he's like, all right, it was a couple, but come on, and I'm like, oh, see, you did do it. What do we do in here? And then he's like, I I met my wife and the first I said to her mother was your daughter has a great ass I'm like Jesus Christ. Just run with you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's a son of a Nazi. Yeah. Well, what can you do?

But anyway, he'll be back. Yes, but Good point. Oh shit. I had a thing. Oh, can I just say this big of the Nazis? Who do people compare evil people to before Hitler? You know that it's Obama's Hitler, Trump is Hitler, everyone's Hitler. Yeah. You're a Nazi, you're a Nazi. Like Ari Shafir is a Nazi, you know, in the media.

Yeah. But what do we say before that? That's a good point. Well, I guess there was other bad people before, yeah. It's solid, but they're all kind of the similar. Well, style was the same time as the Nazis. The Nazis really trumped Stalin, I feel it. Oh, maybe, what's that guy, the Mongolian guy?

Kangus Khan. Kangus Khan, maybe him. Isn't like all of, we're all related to him somehow. There's some crazy stat, like 98% of people are Gungus Khan's son or something. I'll tag it. We're out the Khan. Yeah, Khan.

Shaka Khan. Khan's tag it. Rad the Kahn. Yeah, Kahn's. Rad the Kahn. Kahn's Phil Festival. Kahn artist. All right. So yeah, but either way, we had a great time in Brisbane. Kahn by me, love. All right. We had four shows in Brisbane.

It was super fun. Great town. Forget about Brisbane. So, oh, I should say this. Every show I do, I do a little Q and A at the end, blah, blah, blah. People go, do a shui. Shui.

You know what a shui? I don't know shui, I know chui, Ibaka. Huuuuh. Huuuuh. Huuuuh. Those were both horrible. Huuuuh. Huuuuh.

Huuuuh. That's my elephant. My elephant's pretty good, I think. That's a pretty good elephant. Hey, that's great. Michael Winslow over here. Okay, Shoey. So we do is I get the shoe. We do a shoe. I'm like, you know what a shoe is? That's where you pour beer into a shoe and chug it. It's an Australian athlete thing. Some UFC fighter, I think made it famous or a rugby player. That's appalling. Yeah, so Bert did it. He got Lairn Gytis. Cause he got to think you're drinking athletes foot,

gizz, dirt, dust, poo, whatever. Yeah, I'm not into the athlete shoe. What's it called? Shoey. Shoey. That's obnoxious. That's insane. Yeah, it's literally the grossest thing. I'd rather drink it out of a brow or I'd rather drink it out of your underwear.

Ooh, I'll hold it in. I guess it won't hold it in. Uh, my underwear pretty crusty. It's a full, it's a plastic cup at this point. I don't, I feel this way as a real hard drinking piece of shit alcohol. I never liked any of the fucking drink out of a shoe, handstand, keg stand, I'm just drinking.

Yes, yes. I'm drinking all day and all night. I don't need to put it in a shoe or butchug. It's fucking amateur hour. Well, I think it's this tradition over there and it's a little bit of a control thing. Like, come on on do our thing right here this you're this comedian guy we all pay to see give us something do do this

for us and I'm giving them a show I will show is it shows not enough anymore so short time you every every single show show we show we she would go fuck off with the show we apparently Shane Gilister think I boo they booed him and they called him a homo and all this shit and So he got booed, but I was like I'm not doing a shui and then I on the way to the last show in Australia We're on the drive to the show the theater. I go what if we did a shui on this way We really wrap it up. We're going to New Zealand tomorrow. Let's just end with a banger Okay, they go that's not bad

But you really want to drink out of your shoe and I go What if we go buy a shoe? I like this. That's what I was thinking. So I'm compromising I'd buy like a nice stiletto high heel. Oh That way you put in your ass later. That's not bad. Yeah, that should have done that all right well We made this whole plan back say we had a lot of laughs a lot of fun going here's what we're gonna do I'm gonna yell Q&A people are gonna yell Biden and Trump whatever but then the tour manager Brad is gonna yell Do a shuiya can't so then I would go I'm not doing the shui and then they all go shui shui shui We planned it out perfectly and I go fuck it. I'll do a shui Youngbloods off to the side of stage. Chucks me a fucking Chuck Taylor.

I grab it and I go, what about a beer? James McCann comes out, he has me a beer, I pour it in. And it's fun to catch it. You know, you catch the shoe, you pour it, it's all one motion, you chug it, they go, apes shit, I throw it to McCann, he says, no, that gets a laugh, and then I throw the shoe back. By the way, people are throwing shoes on the stage.

There you go. There you go. We were so ready for this. You're like President Bush. Yes, I slipped it, and by the way, that was a great slip. Yeah, he's gonna add me. He took the strike. Yeah, he bombed it a couple of countries.

He took a shoe to the face almost. Decent golfer I think. Yeah, now watch this drive. Yeah. See the plane. Into the tower. Yeah, the drone strike, 9-11. So do the shoey, the place goes nuts.

We end with a bang. We fly to New Zealand. And New Zealand's a whole nother bag of hammers. That talk about remote. Yes, T's. T's New Zealand. T'sing. We're gonna get to New Zealand and Z. Yeah,

I want to hear more too. I want to get into some of that. That was like a good overbrush, but there must have been some fun little tweaks and twats. A lot of little nuggets. I feel like I'm hogging. Just I mean, we, we, well, people want to hear the Australia. I'm dying to see it for good. All right. Well, nothing too crazy. Just a lot of great lunches, a lot of great laughs, a lot of late nights, strip club, coales. So we pet it. We saw a dingo. By the way, a dingo is just a dog.

We go to the zoo, they're like, oh, you gotta go see the dingo. I'm like, oh, the dingo ate my baby, it ate my ass. I want to see the dingo. Bingo, we see it. It's a fucking, it's a canine. Yeah, I think I saw one at the Palm Spring Zoo and thought the same thing. I was like, you could feed this thing Alpo. Well, our babies. Oh, there you go. So the Dingo was shitty. I'd rather be Ringo.

And yeah, a lot of a lot of little things. Just little jokes. The upgrade thing worked. We did a lot of bar shows and bombed. It's a wacky system comedy, but you get to meet all the comics. Funny people out there, really impressive. Wow. And I'll get to New Zealand. I got to get out. We'll get to New Zealand next time. We got to wrap this thing up. What a trip. What a journey. You're looking over for more. You're looking at dates. Oh no, I'm just looking at that. just want to make sure I cover it all Australia. Well, we got another episode to shoot for God's sake. Yes No, you want to how how bad are we chucked? What do we at where overtime? Oh, geez. Okay, okay Because minor minor a little longer here

You want to do dates you want to to plug? I got to get some dates going on. Same. What is this? I give them. Oh, but day. Guy, can I give me a bidet? Want to shout out to the bidet? Love the bidet.

Ah, bidet. The onesies. I got a car. A woman gave me a car with a very sweet letter of 50 bucks in it, by the way. So thank you for that. I appreciate it. We'll just giving us cash. It was one of the most touching things I've ever I should have brought it in

Did you install the bidet yet? I have not yet because we're moving. It's a lot of High things. Yeah, so I'm gonna wait till we move upstairs and I get so emotional that moving my apartment I love my apartment. Yeah, same building same building, but you realize I'm like I've never been more full of pride of Anything in my life in this apartment. It's a beauty and you got that basement too. I know you know what I'm like I've never been more full of pride of anything in my life than this apartment It's a beauty and you got that basement too. I know you know what I realized when I moved to New Jersey I'm gonna keep the basement all the office Ten minutes from the Guardia I'll be connected back to the city and then the night before a flight I come in and jerk off fucking side piece down there. So you just tell the landlord. I'm out

But let me keep the base. Yeah, and like, what do you care? It's just the same amount of money. And then I'll have a place. You're in Frank. That's pretty good. That might have been an attic. Well, whatever. Who cares?

I'm an addict, but I'm working on it. All right, big dates coming up improv. Hold on one second. I would love to do a weekend where we don't condense to one show on Friday. July 13th to the 15th Irvine, California. Come down from LA, come from wherever. Great club.

I'm excited about that one. Yeah, but they're ones. I hope for Sal. I don't think he enjoyed my opening for him. We're good now. July 20th to the 22nd. San Jose in front. Hey.

And then this is big. July 19th. July 3rd. July 19th, July 3rd. July 19th, I'm back with the Missoula paddle heads, a play in ball again. Oh, white fish. And this time, right, last time we played in white fish,

this time we're in Missoula, home turf, it'll be a home game. So come out to that of your in Missoula. I don't know if I'll do a show, but I'll be putting on a show from that dugout. And I might get in that bat, I'm scared to death. Yeah, Missoula.

Hitting the batting cages. So San Jose and then August 3rd to the fifth is Providence. And then I got Nashville coming up. I got outside of Pittsburgh, whatever that home stead Pennsylvania doing all these improvs, comedianjoulist.com. And then August 18th is what I'm gonna release the YouTube special.

Oh, how do you like that? Friday, August 18th. when I'm gonna release the YouTube special. How do you like this? Friday, August 18th, and that's gonna be something. Make sure you go and subscribe ASAP to that and a bunch of dates, so come on out. Hell yeah, my dad's out. Thanks for all the gift cards. Everyone just came with one Z's and gift cards. I'm running a little, I probably have too many one Z's. For a big point.

Everyone brought Starbucks gift cards and Chipotle gift cards and someone gave me cash and it's just been very delightful. Thank you for all the beautiful positive response. We haven't recorded since the big announcement. Everyone's been very kind. Cash is clay. Yes. Maybe when I have a kid,

just throw me those onesies that you didn't use. I'll pass them on down. Yes. Yeah, you get a bunch of my father's games. Oh, I love it. I just don't get the shit stains at all. All right, folks. I am back on the road doing a tour called, you don't say in August, and I realized,

I was in Australia, I was drinking. I wasn't doing a lot of writing and all that shit. So I am way behind. My special comes out July 25th. I gotta put some new shit together because people are gonna see this and then they're gonna hate me when I do the same stuff. So I booked all these wacky gigs.

I'm going to Iowa. I'm going to what's that? Phantom Power, out in PA. Oh, T.A. Yeah, yeah. I'm going there. I'm doing all these weird rooms. One nighters, two nighters,

just to try to fucking build some stuff So I'll put all those on my website come on out look for some weird gigs because I'm coming towards you I got a nice big chunky window of of nothing so I'm filling that all up and July 25th the special See me on the road theater tour coming out in August. We're going all the way through to the end of the year. Praise Allah. Check out his specials, a mine on, whatever. And what do you got? Check. Uh, yeah. So check out the new hockey sets, which just came out episode 11 with Joe with the PS109 with Matt Wayne. That's fun. It's really good. And check out my podcast, Fun Barable. Two days from now, Mike Cannon is the guest,

Unfun Barable. So if you'd like to see the kid, on Hockey Set, check that out. And actually, I think everybody else on it has been on Fun Barable too. Joe, Matt Wayne, Ron, they're all in it and they've all been on the podcast. So check out Fun Barable, Fun Barable Pod, Docco.

Beautiful. Thank you for that. Subscribe, ball that stuff. You're the same.