Tuesdays with Stories! - #510 Give Her the Boot Canal

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

It'salmost the fourth and the gays are marching! Joe's documentary about Tom Dustin is moving along! Mark gets into New Zealand tales! Joe accepts a comedy award in Boston! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Sponsors: - Save on your first 6 bottles of wine at https://TryFirstleaf.com/TUESDAYS - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS & get on your way to being your best self

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose what to say. We're out, we're rolling, right? No, geez, I didn't know we were rolling. All right. Yeah, big time, big roll. Dennis stuff was good, I wish we had that on here. Well... Next time. Yeah. You'll go again. Yeah, big time big roll Dennis stuff was good. I wish we had that on here. Well

Next time yeah, you'll go again They got if they if you want a dentist story roll it back to 2017 you'll get about 17 episodes worth it was Eric Well, I didn't tell this part of the dentist so all this relive the whole thing I went to the dentist on Saturday. I literally have diarrhea like in my pit like that that weird peanut like a baby shit Like a smiri peanut buttery shit Turn it down turn it over I'm usually airplane mode But I booked saggo for something and then the next day text is always like a up just looked at my calendar A lot of calendar. Yeah, no one looks at the calendar when they're texting.

Yeah, yeah. Well, some people do. Calendar girl. Half of us do. All right. Anyways, I went to the dentist Saturday. Hadn't been to the dentist in the since October. You're so nervous, you're so scared.

I'm traumatized from childhood. And everyone talks about my teeth, their crooked, their crowded, their yellow, my father's gay, but cleanest teeth, you can eat off these teeth. They went in there, they went the pick, and the floss, no blood, she's like, I'm turning it down, that's how clean your teeth like your gums are perfect, they're just all wacky.

Yeah, yeah, they're ugly, but you could be ugly with good health. Sure, it's like a pet cemetery where you really scrub the stones. Hmm. Huh? Well, the stones are all old, and it holds cemetery. That's the tea. That's the tea.

I see, I see. How did not get that? I thought you were going with animals and dirty, this dirt there. Uh-huh. But they really clean up, they scrub up the stones. I see. So it's clean stones, but they're all... Oh, got it, got it, got it.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's better to have ugly and healthy. Yes. Like children. Yeah, some people have, you know, a lot of people have. You don't want a hot retail. Healthy and nice though. I guess that's nice. That's ideal. Yeah.

Yeah. You want a good looking car that runs well. You got a great running car. Uh-huh. But it's a cyber truck. Yeah. It's not great. It's a Pinto or whatever. Whatever looks dead. Pinto is always the go-to shitty car in my neighborhood. Yeah. A lot of jokes and movies and they blew up easy. They had to be recalled because you'd think you'd tap it. It would go into hood. Yeah, a lot of jokes and movies, and they blew up easy. They had to be recalled, because you'd tap it, it would go into flames. Oh, is that right? Oh yeah, like the, they would implode, like the submarine. I don't even know what a Pinto looks like. I just know Pinto was the punchline.

It's a 70s Hoopty, you know, Brown, real 70s-looking shitbox. A Brown Hoopty. There you go. You know what I've been noticing? I've been watching all these old westerns. There's always a Ben. Every western has a character named Ben.

Which is where Ben's very Julie. I find. I think it's Julie, but it's also a Ben Franklin. Yeah, also a western. There's a lot of non-Jubens. Ben. I've only got Billy the Kid, you got Wyatt Earp, you got the other guy. Well, I'm not saying main characters.

I'm saying side characters. Ah, the headband. The headband. The headband. Ah, I don't know. We, I'm saying side characters. The husband. The character. That's good. I don't know. We should probably start this whole thing over. Didn't they're done that? But I got, wait, I got a dentist there.

What was I gonna say about the dentist? Yes, yes. The drill, the chair, the floss, the sucky thing. Oh, I had this, so I go to the dentist, and I really play up my cowardice. Because you get nice treatment over there. That's true. I want to get, first of all, huge,

titted receptionist. Oh boy. Yeah, and big fake lip, like a Puerto Rican with all the work. Nice. No more over that. Big fat lips, the best hits. Nails.

A big old bottom. Oh, had she got up? Oh yeah, she strolls around. Oh, she puts the files in with the scrubs on she makes sure you're looking absolutely It's really not maybe I should be careful with this because they ever find out who I am You're gonna need the sucky thing in the lobby because you drool it all over this Puerto Rican I had a sucky thing in the lobby my act I don't know. I don't that didn't make any sense. Hey We're a little rusty folks.

Rusty. Rrrrr. But I go in there and I, I mean, I play it up. I'm fake puking in the plants and they go, oh, here he is, he's to cut up as the receptionist and the other lady and I go, I'm so scared and I keep doing the fake run. You know, that stuff.

Oh, sure. I'm like, oh, easy on me. Oh my God, give me the gas. Can you put me out for this? And she's like, it's, that stuff. Oh, sure. I'm like, oh, easy on me. Oh, my God, give me the gas. Can you put me out for this? And she's like, it's just a cleaning. You're crazy. Oh, that's fun. But they need that.

Cause they got a pretty drab day. You come in, you shake it up. They're having a nice time. And so I go in there and then the hygienist, I go out my pussy, really go easy on me, treat me like I'm a five year old, the whole thing. And so then I do a great job. She says you got the best teeth ever,

besides how gross they are, the gums are nice, everything's good, nice and asshole. Yes. Then she goes, all right, the doctor, so I feel like relief. I got through it. Then she's like, the doctor's gonna come in. I'm like, what the fuck's the doctor all about?

Yeah, so, wait, wait, it's a dentist's office. What do they have a doctor for? Well, the dentist is a doctor. What? Is that like Cosby,. What do they have a doctor for? Well the dentist is a doctor. What? Is that like Cosby where they just call you a doctor? No, it's a doctor. But wait a minute. A dentist is a doctor.

Doctors don't clean. No, the hygienist clean. Oh, the hygienist. But a dentist does clean last time I went to this place. The dentist did do the cleaning. Because I think you have to, it's like, you have to be a paramedic, to be a fireman. In some places, you have to be a hygienist to be a debt.

You got to crawl before you walk. Got it, got it. Oh man, I didn't know they were doctors. I've been so rude to them. Yeah, and plus a doctor, they need to know how to clean because they know the, like a doctor knows how to take care of yourself. Like a doctor's like, hey, eat a salad, you fag.

I think they read the book. I find you know my doctor pretty well. But I think they read the book. I don my doctor pretty well, but I think they read the book, I don't know if they, they're not cleaning, they don't have a vacuum and a, a duster. No, they know how to clean. What? They know all the tools, the dentist has to know all the tools.

But is a contractor, a house guy, a building, you know, he's building a house, you don't know how to clean a house? No, that's different. Okay, that's a different occupation, but it's like, I think it's an, that's a different occupation, but I think it's an apt comparison. I suppose so, but I think he wouldn't know how to clean the house, the carpenter.

Yes, it's like, yeah, you vacuum, you sweep. My uncle's a carpenter, he's the cleanest guy ever. Oh, okay, well maybe Jesus was clean. Ah, I can't imagine. It was like the 1300s, he's all dirty. And he had a lot of whores and wine around, so who knows? Any of nine guys with him.

What is it? 12 disciples? I can't say. Oh yeah. Yeah, 12 disciples. I know so little, my biblical knowledge is really appalling. I'll let you borrow my Quran. Apollo, isn't that a biblical?

That's Greek. Is that the Bible? No, no, that's mythology. Apollo is the Roman god of music. What percentage of the fans you think will write to me and be like, he was born before 1380, you fucking retard. Yeah, well, it is BC. Right. Before Apollo. Right, that's what made it such a funny. Before situations. Yeah. All right. So the doctor's got to come in, but I don't like the doctor because the doctors the one that's shifty uh... yeah he's got he's got bad news keep saying he this is hetero normative of the she well i don't see gender

uh... anyways the doctor comes in so now back to shit my pants and she doesn't think she goes out and it's a different doctor than last time she goes i know you and i don't think with men she goes yeah you need a a root canal oh wow And then I just went full fucking, you know, like, like a manager and a empire. I was like, I don't need a root canal. You're basically shit. You get the wrong guy. I started kicking dirt on her and I spitting her face and I called her a cunt. Yes. And she goes, well, well, maybe a different guy. Let me look at the chart.

And I was like, I promise you, I don't need a root canal. I'm not getting a root canal. I had many root canals. doped give her the boot canal Not bad. All right. It's something. Oh, uh can I have straight little Italy? Yeah, whoot? Italy connection I'm off anyways, so she looks at the old chart. She goes yeah Yeah, yes. Yes, root can it like she thinks she's like no, I'm right. Yeah, I do know who you are And I'm like why would you be right about me? Right? She looks and she goes yeah, yeah says right here for Rookinels

I'm like no, I've had for Rookinels. She's like oh, you're right. Oh, what are we doing here? What happens if you didn't argue? I know my chart. Yeah, well, you know your roots also tell her to listen to the pond. We got it all documented Yes, so that's a different chart. Exactly. I charted so That's probably that's a musical term charted really yeah. Oh, yeah, I hit the big board. Yeah, I charted. That's funny All right, it is funny not like laugh funny, but still but anyway, she goes Yeah, yeah, so you had a bunch of work and she looked at the root canal and I gotta say You know all that dentist work was a nightmare, but she's like,

I'll tell you, these are good root connections with the X-Drat. She's like, these are really good, good posts, good blah, blah, blah, whatever the fun. Little X, excuse. Yeah, so then I finished up and she said, you're good, keep doing what you're doing, you're the best in the biz, new appointment in December,

and then you leave, you just feel like you just took heroin, all these heroin addicts, just go to the dentist and leave. Yes, you just feel like you just took heroin. All these heroin addicts just go to the dentist. Yes. Feeling good. Good point, good point. Although they're probably not flossing as much. So they probably wouldn't have as good of a chart. That's a good point.

I'll put the chart before the horse. Even though I feel like he went generous on you out here. He gave me some real white and pearly. I'm like, I got a perfect row, but he didn't go too hard on you. Yeah, I appreciate that. Could be because a few of these cartoon people have really done a number on me. Talk about the posters. Don't get me started. Yeah, all the posters well, you know. Pick one of those. You want to put that puppy in the apartment and invite us over and hurt our feelings. Well, I feel like you got fucked on the poster. Usually it's me. Usually I have like two fangs and my neck.

I'm okay with it. Let's see it. Oh, pull that poster. Who did the poster chuck? Pete. His name is, it's like, it's like art jangel on Instagram. Art jangel. Okay, those are the shorts I'm wearing.

Look at that. Oh, the thighs. That's something. Yeah, look at that. Your face looks a little ghoulish. You look down,. See I got a bit of a troll under the bridge troll going well You look like you just came from the dentist. Yeah, I got a little I got bad news I got a Rukin all on the chart and you're full monkey Well, I'm yeah

He's gonna push the comedy and the fart. Oh Hey, look at this a little Chuck cameo in the back fart. Oh, I see. I see. Hey, look at this, a little Chuck Cambio in the back there. Oh, yeah. And, yeah, I mean, it's not horrible. This is far as far as I go. That's as good as it gets, but- That's lunch.

You got a little, a little funky. I got a little monkey going on. I got a little primate action. Yeah, not bad. Well, get one of these three weeks ago. Yeah. We sold him. Happy fourth. Primate. Yeah, we sold him happy fourth. Primate. You're my good. I made.

Oh, yeah, happy fourth of July, everybody. Happy Independence Day. One of my favorite holidays, probably number two, number three, second Native Americans. Yeah. But yeah, what's number one? Christmas? Christmas. I actually think the people that don't say Christmas are just full of shit. But Thanksgiving is way up there for me. Thanksgiving's big.

I like the football. A lot of family though, family sucks. See, I, as a kid, mine was Marty Gras, but I know I'm biased, but it was a week or two weeks of just debauchery. Right. So, and you got off school. So of course, I would go, Marty Gras, a kid, but that was regional.

I think you gotta go national because we're going regional. Ultimately Patriots Day is my favorite holiday. I have like the most tradition and we fly in and we go to the socks game and the marathon and it feels special. I feel part of something. But I mean, who are we kidding here? That's like, hey, my favorite comedian is Mark Twain.

Remember that? No, we don't have to get into that. That was quite a fist fight. But yeah, and I'm sure, you know, Juck's favorite is Pride, day parade. So everybody's got their own thing, but I gotta say Christmas is up there. Cause you get the whole cleaf.

You know, you get the holidays, you get the songs, you get the food, the the food the presents the vibe There's a vibe there's the the month and it it makes you like emotional. Yes Music is so great the colors are great. Yeah, I know I love the red and green and then we live in New York City Which is like the capital of Christmas. Oh tell me about the Santa with the bell and he's all dirty and gay and Tell me about the Santa with the bell and he's all dirty and gay and All that shit the big tree night member for Christmas home alone

Okay, die hard. It's very American. Yes, say Patrick's Cathedral rock of feller all that shit time square All the shit Oh, I went to the movies last night. So this movie past lives But these Korean folks it's nice. It's nice. Korean's a good. Yeah, great creative yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like that's 10 minutes from where we are right now. That's fun. Oh, I love that. That's one of the perks of living in New York. Growing up, I never watched a movie where I was like, hey, that's over down the street. Yeah, exactly. No Whitman movies. No, no Whitman.

Well, the worst thing is I think I'd almost rather know movies than whenever they'd come to New Orleans, it was some fucking ship tugboat dude's going, I gear on D. Oh, he's smoking a shrimp. I'm like, what is this? I don't look like that. I was just watching Thunder Bay with Jimmy Stewart. There you go.

Come down there and build a thing and everyone's like, get out of here, you sit, boy. Yeah, they got a hate thing coming out of their mouth, a straw hat, overalls, like, yeah, we're gonna catch this again. Well, hey, we're not getting it so easy either. Every, one of our films is like, get these goddamn black sat out of here that's true

you know we look like assholes do yeah butchers out ahead yeah how much you bench and kid how do you like their apples yeah it's exactly never met that guy my life maybe one guy who Tom Dustin yeah he never asked me to bench anything no he's not a big bench guy. No, no I've never lifted anything I guess not I lifted a Vodka bottle a lot of lights here and there by the way the film is really Locking in baby. There we go. Can't wait. Key West documentary. We calling it. Yeah, that's what it is

Yeah, okay, there you go we didn't write dialogue I tried that once it didn't go so hot it's got almost 10% on rotten yeah no no it's double digits for sure but this is a documentary about Tom Dustin and Key West and this is going to really knock people's socks off I'm standing by this film it's a hell of a picture and I think it's going to be a cult classic we're trying to debut, premiere it at Skankfest if we can get it done in time. I think you can get there, and Tom's a fucking talent, and I saw a sizzle of it, and it looks great, so I'm pumped to see the whole kitten kaboo. It's really sizzling, so well, let's get into it. I mean, last week we did Australia,

that was wild, you wanna add some Australia? Let me wrap it all up, put a big kangaroo bow on this bitch. Cause I didn't talk about New Zeal. No, I'm dying here. Are we teasing New Zeal? We teasing New Zeal. I mean, nothing, nothing too crazy to write home about, but a couple things.

So you do all of Australia. We did Perth all the way to Melver and to Brisbane. We did the whole fucking island. There's about 11 people on the whole thing. And we go, we did the whole fucking island. There's about 11 people on the whole thing. And we're gonna end in New Zealand, three day trip, one show, two days off, not too shabby. Cause at the end of the tour, they try to like wind you down a little bit,

give you some free time, cause you gotta go right back to civilization, right, with the wonky flight, the time change, the whole thing. So we fly down to New Zealand, three and a half hours. Whee! Island Island. One big island to one small island. Now the thing with New Zealand is they didn't kill all their natives.

Australia wiped them out. There's about 11 left and they're terrifying. They're living in a cave. What are we talking like? Native Americans, or can you still say have originally or not bad? They said we can say it. We can say it. Yeah, we're not there.

Oh, shit. Nice. No, if it makes sense. It's like colored person's bad, but person's the color's okay. It's all just rules. Okay. It's all pipes. So we go down to New Zeal and they're embracing the, they call them the Maori.

That's their, their, their natives. And they got a thing called the Haka where they go, ah, it's like a dance to intimidate the enemy. And they've embraced it, they got the spears, the canoes, the headdress, the makeup. There's like, like, stab them. Yeah. Yeah.

There are fun people. We haven't embraced that though. We're trying to get rid of them. But yeah, you get down there and they go, hey, I'm on the flight and the tour manager goes, this show called The Project would like to have you be a guest on New Zealand TV. Fun.

And you're still a kid. I'm like, TV, I'll do it, I'll do TV. Okay, this is like Lost in Translation, remember that? Oh yeah. You go, Murray does the wacky show. Very similar, but this is like the view oh Yeah, it's not a good place for you not good bad view So I go yeah, I'll do it fuck it and I go do they know me they're like oh, yeah, they're fans are fans and I'm like okay

And I go let me look it up on YouTube I don't want to get to in the weeds here, but I look at it on YouTube. The first clip, the biggest clip is a guy being like, if you don't respect trans people, I'm gonna come out there and kill you. And I went on a time rate and interviewed people on the street and they didn't like it. I threw buckets of paint on them and they were all the people at the desk were like,

woo, and I was like, are they gonna hate me? Oh my God. Not that I have any beef with trans people, but that's not my cup of gizz. I'm not trying to throw paint on people. I'm trying to throw gizz on myself, you know? I'm the opposite. All I want is just throwing on me, and that's a crime.

The paint. Throwing paint on people, I'm pretty sure. I mean, I haven't been to New Zealand, but here in America, that's a no-no-too, Daffy. Well, I think if you're wearing a fur coat, code it's allowed apparently. I don't think so. Okay. Well, that's assault Yeah, I'm not hey, what am I a lawyer over here? I'm not named Ben. I'm not Area There's a lot of I'm telling you look up Westerns with a guy named Ben. I'm telling

Many Ben's well, you know, paint, paint by numbers. Either way, I go on the project and you can feel it right away. This is everybody's got a mask on, it's all COVID still. And I'm like, I have been in the bowels. And I came right from the flight. So you're kind of like, and then I go out there and they're going, so, I don't need a bunch of cameras, a bunch of audience. And I'm in they're like so

What do you think about family members not talking anymore? You know it's all phones and this and that we need to bring back the family talking and I was like well my dad would hit my mom But the dinner table so it's not always good and they were like All right, well, we're gonna we're gonna cut to commercial and then the you know the guy in the cameras like doing this You know, oh, you see the guy in the cameras like doing this you know Oh, you see the whole like the booth back there with the glass. They're like And then we come back and they go so what's up with you saying Kevin Hart? I'm like well, you know, I'm in white face and I've always wanted to be black especially downtown

And I'm like, ah, well, we got to go to Casper everybody Casper, you know So it was horrible. I bombed, at one point I go, I heard you got a lot of notes in your backpack, I go, well, these are just swastikas, and they go, you're out of here. Wow. So I got three lenses. And they throw paint at you?

No paint. No, no, they, Was the paint guy there? I know, he was a guest at some other time. Oh, okay, I was worth the host. That was like, you can't do that on television. No. We dropped the bucket on you. But it's just so weird, because they're all backstage going, hey, I saw this the host that I was like you can't do that on television No, but it's just so weird because they're all backstage going hey, I saw this we like that

That was great. I'm a fan and then you go out there and you do you and they hate it right? It's a fascinating thing. It's it'd be like say hey my MJ. I'm not MJ I'm not Michael Jordan, but you know, hey, hey basketball player come out here and show us what you got and he starts dunking and they're like whoa What are you doing right? Yeah a little different because dunking isn't a swastika, but you see what I'm saying Yeah, of course. I see what you saying, but I think that's the why that's the why That's the the why the TV is going the way of the dough to know not a great sentence, but I think TV is Yeah, and you'd think you'd want go in the way of the dough to know, not a great sentence, but I think TV is, yeah.

And tubes. And you'd think, you'd want, the boop tube. You'd want the guy to go kooky because you might get a little viewership. Right. You might get a little buzz. Like, oh, this guy went swastik on us. What a weirdo.

Check it out. Yeah, I think they do want that. But then there, what happens is it goes viral on the internet. So you get the juice, but not them. Because the people that are watching don't want that. Right. The people that watch and go, look at this guy's crazy. They're not gonna watch the next episode of that show.

Yeah. That show stinks. But have we gone so far that we can't tell I'm joking when I say these are swastikas? Of course we have, yeah. Okay. That's all we ever talk about. I joking when I say these are swastikas. Of course we have, yeah. Okay. That's all we ever talk about. I need someone to say that out loud.

Yeah. Because no one will say that. Yeah, no, there's no, no. Clearly. My dad didn't hit my mom at the dinner table. Yeah. I'm trying to say outrageous shit for entertainment value. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. That's all I would, I just need someone to say that. Yeah. Now, it's been happening for quite a while, but that's also been going on since the 50s. Sure. You know, George Garland comes out, oh, checks, checks falling off the wagon. I'm good, thank you.

I think a water with some ice, yeah, thank you buddy. Okay, but even in the 50s, I felt like there was a sliver of society going, that is wrong, you shouldn't talk like that, that's inappropriate, but the rest of us are going, ah, how fun is this? Look at this guy. Yeah, we're the fun people. Yeah, but now it almost feels like it's,

we're the minority. The fun people used to be the majority. Don't you think there was more people? The minority, of course, that's always been the minority. What? The fun people, yeah. Okay, woodstock, the majority people were minority, of course. That's always been the minority. What? The fun people. Yeah. Like, woodstock, the majority people were not at woodstock.

Yeah. The majority of the people were going, hey, what's with these assholes? And they should get a job and dress like me. Cut their hair, yeah, okay. I think. Well, I don't know, I just... If the majority was like us, we wouldn't have careers.

I guess you're right. These people don't know how to say, I eat my own dads come. That's tough to learn, you need to go to school for that. But yeah, okay, just, but how about this? My point being, it feels like people who used to be the fun people are now not. Usually you don't see them flop back to unfun.

Right. And that seems like it's happening more and more. I mean, I'm on my way to be an unfun i used to jump on windshields and take dumps on hoods and now i'm like hey everybody stick to the right side of the sidewalk what kind of life are we leading here yeah but that's that's more respectable vandalism fun right but i'm talking about jokes yeah well you know you're not so you know that when you go out there and say these are swastikas your purposefully Ruffling feathers you're aware they're not gonna like that

Well, I'm aware that The producer guy and the booth is going hey you fucking cook But I figured the host would be like that was good no with the host's job is on the line You have to know that if the Joe's goes ha ha ha ha ha ha It's gonna be on the front page of the paper. Hosts like swastikas. But can't I be the full guy? You know you go, that was horrible,

but later go, that was awesome. But it's all pipes, Jerry. It's all, it's all association. I just had a guy the other day go, hey, would you ever do Nick DePolo's podcast? Cause he's crazy. Right. And I'm like, yeah, see, people are scared.

People are afraid to even appear with somebody else. Cause nowadays and for years, if you associate with the guy, that's bad. Yeah. This is like what you saw. I've talked about like our politics, it's like not to talk politics, but in the old days, to work across the aisle

was like a big deal. That was a virtue. This Democrat works with Republicans. Oh, I like that. Now it's the complete reverse. Get this, you're a traitor. Talkin' to a Democrat, talkin' to a Republican. Right.

Whoa, get them outta here. That's not very inclusive. It's not inclusive at all. Yeah. Yes. All right, well, it just seems like there's a lot of contradiction and hypocrisy going on. Of course.

Okay. Boy, my balls are really pushed in here. Folks, this episode is sponsored by Better Help. Sometimes we're faced with really tough choices and the way forward can be hard to find. Amen, brother and sister and mother. And that's who causes me to go to therapy. That grouping, Better Helps Online Therapy

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Yeah, it's very funny. We have a whole show based around these wacky and appropriate things That's when we really get in trouble when I'm like swastik is mark. That's really not yeah Which by the way everyone's while I do do that and people think I'm serious. I know I like you're trying to sense or mark. I'm like what so they're dumb the other way. Oh, yeah Okay, no it's two cults the horseshoe. Whatever you want to talk about it the horse you got two massive culty people Yeah, I'm a whorelifter shoe of my house, but let me just say this so we we, the Haka, I mentioned the Haka. So the Haka's the, the Native Dance, or the Aboriginal, the Maori, whatever you want to call it. So I go, we gotta see the Haka. You know, a tacky, it's hockey, but we gotta go, Haka, Haka, Haka.

Hi, Saki. Yeah, it's a Haka shit, but we go to the museum, which is real white guy shit. Like let's go to the museum and see the Haka, because you're supposed to go see it out in the wild. Oh, I see. Who's got that kind of time, and I don't want to get the spear through the dick. I'm confused by the Haka. So this is a real life people.

It's like a show. You buy a ticket or you just actually go and see the Haka's. You buy a ticket at the museum, but I think you can see it like when they when they compete like in a weird sport these are people these are people out there living their most are sport Well, they have sports much like us Okay, well there are there a tribe there a group like you okay, okay, so We go let's go because you know hockey you got to find you got

to go they're having a game we should go but we you know we're only here for a certain a lot of the amount of time so I go let's just go to the museum see the hockey you can buy a ticket there's a whole Maori exhibit you can you can see the tools and the the crafts and the carts and the whole thing so we go down there and they go, the hawk is at three. Great, we get a ticket to the hawk. Before we go in, I'm looking at all the artifacts. So I was a narrow head and a dildo. And the guy comes up and he's wearing the full guard

when he goes, woo, woo, woo, with a big horn and he's got no shirt on, a loincloth, tits, a feather, you know, face paint, beads, jewels, shells, and he goes, the Haka will commence in six minutes, be in the auditorium. Mark Norman? I go, oh, hey, he goes, I'm a fan, what the hell, can we get a photo? I'm taking a photo with the Haka guy, what? I'm in some big six, eight brown dude with shells in the loincloth and sandals. Oh my, we gotta plug this in. Can we put this in the photo?

Yeah, it's on my Instagram. Put the photo to the Haka photo. I'm in it by number one photo. You know you do the 10 to 10 picks. The carousel they call it. It's by number one. Haka, come. Yeah, so I go, hey, let's do a photo

and he goes, I'm on and six. I go, I heard, I'm here to see, I bought a ticket and I go, you're doing merch after, is there a meeting, great, whatever. So, we go in the auditorium, it's six people. In the auditorium, huge auditorium, six people. No kidding. It's a Columbus funny bone. Thank you.

We've had a few of those. So, they pay for it too. And that was the other five. But I go in and the lady comes out and she goes, welcome. This is the Haka and the Maori traditions basket we big. And they all imitate it. And the guy keeps looking up at me.

Oh, shit. This is brutal. And I go, there's the guy, that's the guy. And then they go, and now for the tribal dance hey Yo, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, he's looking up at me. He's like hey Yeah, and he's so embarrassed. Oh, this poor guy. I know. I felt so bad for he's got it's such a serious You know tradition and there's all this culture and and time behind it and he's like Hut to hood to that. She's hoot to hut, ah fuck. And it was so brutal.

And then at the end, they do the big Haka, which is like the aggressive, scare the enemy's dance. And I mean, it's like, spears and, ah, ah, ah, ah, crazy faces tongue out.

Ah, you know, it's all tribal and scary. And I could, he keeps looking at me. Cause he's like, oh, there's the guy. Oh, it's brutal. It was so uncomfortable. I felt bad for him. I almost left. Cause he's like, oh, there's the guy. I'm afraid of it. It was so uncomfortable.

I felt bad for him. I almost left. Cause he was like, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was this. Well, I mean, I like the guy. This is all positive. I totally get it. I'm not, he wasn't bad. He was just, he was just uncomfortable.

And then at the end, I see him go. Ah, geez. He's on off stage yet. He's going, oh boy, oh boy. He's kind of laughing and we're all like, oh boy. He's kind of laughing and we're all like, oh shit, he's kind of laughing. It was crazy. But it was such an awkward moment. It felt like, I went to a school play of a kid I fucked before or something. It was brutal. Yeah, that's right. I mean, I can connect the feeling and I'm sure I told this story in the pockets before when I opened for Greg Morton

Morton Morton Legendary comic, you know Morton Williams. Oh Greg Morton. Yeah black guy doesn't pressions at the end of his set sure You know oh yeah, I don't know you don't know Greg more. I've never heard the name my life It's got a space between his teeth. He's a killer. He's like a funny bone regular around forever since like the 80s, I think. I don't know Greg Morton. I think I'll make his name right. Chuck, were you typing Greg Morton comedian? Make sure I'm getting this right. Greg Morton. Greg Morton, but maybe you never bumped into him. Maybe I never did. Greg Morton. The gym, Norton. Comic. Morton Williams. Light skin, black guy. Space between his teeth. Funny guy. Hmm. Shit. I hope's great. Morton

This isn't living good. He's a big black guy light skin black guy with a stage Tunis. Yeah, they've played football too. M-O-R-T-O-N. Yeah Oh Professional football is defensive lineman for the Buffalo bills in 1977. What? Like that too old That's too old. Might be too old. Played pro football in 1977. There's no way.

It's gonna be a different guy. He would mention that in his act. Let's say comedians. Was he big? I don't know. We'll get to the bottom of this later. But anyways, he's a comedian. I think that's his name.

I hope I'm getting this right. I don't know. Babygoer YouTube. Greg Morton, comedian, YouTube. I see him, he's not America's gut talent. Yeah, yeah. If it's not him, then he has a guy that looks exactly like him named Greg Morton

who played football. Okay, well anyways. Anyway, I've told this story before I think, but I was featuring at this point in my career. I think we're gonna have my two's days at the time. I went about a year ago. And, hey, I've been enlightening for a little bit, but I was featuring for a while,

but then I was driving up to Boston, they said, hey, we need to MC at the funny bone over here at Hartford. And I said, you know what, I'll pick up an extra 100 bucks on the way up. Yeah. And it's me and I forget the feature, he was very funny.

And Greg Morton was like, nice this guy and just a murder and a great guy, he was very funny and Greg Morton was like nicest guy and just a murder and a great guy, sweet guy funny comic and but he ends his set. He does Tina Turner, he does Mick Jagger, he does James Brown and his last bit of his act is James Brown and he has the MC put the cape on him and then he throws it off and keeps doing James Brown and I got I got to be like oh and I'm trying to do that. I'm proud of the act. Yes.

But this was when you know what dude was going and I think Tuesday's were stories and these two guys in the front row had like, you know what dude and Tuesday's shirts and they were excited to see me but I had to MC first of all, which is embarrassing and then I had to keep getting Greg Morton's cape for him and be like, I was James Brown, everybody. And he moved your side.

And I can see these two guys like. Oh, okay. But I was the Haka. Oh, I see. You want to see what I see? I see what you're coming from. Yes. I felt like the Haka guy.

Oh, man. Yeah, that's tough. That's him, right? Yeah, yeah, no, you're right. He's 61. He is on the ground. Oh, wow. All right.

It says America's Got Talent, semi-finalist. And he's a comic. But the thing is, Google, you're right. He's 61. He is. Oh, wow. I'm a little there. It says America's got talent. Semi finalist and he's a comic. But the thing is Google has it listed wrong. It says comedian slash football player. Oh, two Greg Morton. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Because 61 is too young to have played in 77. In 77.

Yeah. Yeah. But that's should be 71. But a team of turner impression. I think shows your age a little. I suppose so, but I mean it brings the house down Yeah, I'm talking standing. Oh forget about it. That's great So I relate to the hot gun I feel for the hot guy Yes, it was brutal after after you know y'all file out to the

Middle of the museum the common area and he's like hey, you want to get a pic and I was like yeah, he's It was brutal. It was brutal. It reminds me, I know a comedian who's a very funny comedian who's been around forever, but he was, you know, you still need to make some extra cash during the day and he was waiting tables in LA and he had to serve Mike Breglia and Barry Katz for like eating dinner

and he was like, I wanted to just take a kitchen knife and stab myself in the throat. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I used to bark and a kitchen knife and stab myself in the throat. Yeah, yeah I mean I used to bark and it was like come on in. Hey comedy show get out of the cool We got free tickets. Hey, what do you want and then you have to go on and go on the guy? Yeah, it's a shitty feeling But I gave this guy free tickets to the show and he came to the to the big theater the next night So all right all good that ends a hawk But let me just say this the last show the tour

You know you do 15 or 16 shows some good some bad this was the hottest crowd the best show and New Zealand It they have a wildness to them these people out there You know they live on farms they fuck goats they do drugs They're not in in dated with all the Trump and the news and the fucking bullshit the school shootings and they just live Right and so the crowd was hot and I did the thing where I did a bunch of bar shows all over New Zealand Because you have a couple nights off and you meet all the locals and you know you can always tell that one Guy that nerd. He's like a comedy dweeb and he's like working on new. He's obsessed He's big fans of like comics. He loves Greg Morton. You know, he's heard of everybody and I go this guy

And I go how about a guest set and he's like a sure and then He does the guest set at the big theater kills Wow, he's having a blast. He knows what it means. It's not just some guy like oh, I'll do that He's like this means the world to be then he reveals Huge gay Big to his gig got all the albums all the action figures all the posters. He's a he's a he's a mention I wish I remember his name, but great guy great. Can he knows who he is? Hey stecks and we just said keegan That was a big gig and tindle. Yes. Yes

And we just had Keegan. That was the thing. Keegan. Keegan Tindle. Yes, yes. Brian Keegan. But great, great egg. And we had a blast. This guy Rudy did the show.

He's a real Maori with the face tattoo and the earrings and everything. So it was a hell of a hoot and a holler. And the Q&A was so funny that they were, they were, I was dying. They were throwing drugs on the stage. I got a bunch of weed a bunch of mushrooms I put the video on my YouTube and Just so good to end on a bang and then flew out the next day That's a nice feeling and you must feel so nice to be back on home soil

It does feel good you know in New York. It's great to leave and I love the hell out of the trip And I felt free and away and Then you come back and you're like, good to be home. Of course. Yeah, although I can't wait to get out of here. Good to be home, though. Yeah, but you will be coming in to do the pod and do shows

and that'll be fun. It'll be a treat. Well, you know what I decided? I realized I have the office at my apartment. I can just keep the office when I move to Jersey. Yeah, there you go. And then I could go, I have a flight from office when I move to Jersey. Yeah, there you go. And then I can go. I have a flight from LaGuardia and by the way, yeah, this isn't really worth saying on

the podcast. You never know what the queues love. There's no flights from LaGuardia to LAX. You used to only be able to get to Denver. Now you can go all the way. Yeah, what the hell? So one of the most major airports in America, we can go to LA. LaGuardia is small.

I think the runway was too small to get a big old jet. How do you like that? I think those big jets take more fuel. You need a big 789 or whatever the fuck it is. And you can have long stretch. But now I think they have like super jets. You can just take off like a helicopter. Love a super jet.

Yeah, great. Well, let's go to LA. Cause those LA flights are like, come guzzler in a half. I'll be in LA, July next weekend. I'm in Irvine, which somebody an LA friend said, Irvine is basically LA. It's like, you do it a show in Queens or something.

I guess about an hour drive though. Yeah, but it's an hour from the upper west to Trudeette. Brooklyn, whatever the thought. That's true. Well, yeah, come on out Irvine. That's a hot room and a great club, and they're gonna treat you right, Fatties. So you'll have a good time.

Yeah, I can't wait. Come out to that Irvine next week, San Jose, the week after that. And big California, a couple of months. I mean, SF, September 7th and eight. So make sure you come out to that. You're gonna love Irvine too, because there's a moment in LA,

you know, LA's Skid Row, Hobo, Cooke Central. When you drive in Irvine, it's like Tuntown. At one point, you pass that Irvine border and the roads are flatter, they're smooth. The sun comes out and it's like, happy day, I hear it just stay, or whatever. And there's no Cooke's. I love no Cooke's, but I open for sound in Irvine.

It is, it's like a movie town it feels like Hill Valley. Yeah Hill Valley pleasant veil out there. I can't wait so Come on out buy a ticket for God's sakes. No one comes now puts up in my ass and twist it Look at these legs these look fun are they solid drunk a tree got here? Like it's your panties there the red. Yeah, those are some She's oh my god, I always say wrong underwear. Which is a man, Jaina no these are she that's where to go They're they're laborless. I don't know why look at these ones libel They like when you ever give yourself a front wedgie and it feels pretty good a Melvin they call it in the business

Oh, that's right. Yeah, you get that dick Smushed with the late text. Whatever it is. Oh, don't give me started. Sometimes I used to write a horse just for the feeling. Have any women ever jerked off to this podcast? Call in, write to us. Because everyone's in a while.

Send a video. Someone will show a pair of tits or whatever. Has anybody ever watched Tuesdays and they're probably not looking at my side of the screen, but still, has anyone ever flicked the old bean looking at this show? I know I have. I mean, of the screen, but still, has anyone ever flicked the old bean looking at this show? I know I have. I mean, I wouldn't mind.

Yeah, please. We're the opposite of women. You know, a woman sees a guy jerking off to her to window, she calls the police. I see a girl jerking off to me. I go, said, me, you're your handle. I mean, I've never seen a woman jerking off to me,

but I would like to. I have to either. And if she did, if I did, it would be a high five moment. My wife jerks off her front, but those eyes are sealed. I mean, she's closing them like this. Is she Asian? Oh, I see.

Did she just on them? She can't open them. That happened to me once. I was, what was driving to the airport, and I hooked out this back in my single days, knotted right on the old face a row, and then she had to drive into the airport. And she was like,

I'm just why you gave her the old pirate, huh? She had the patch. I know, and her hook was all over that steering wheel. And um, that's one good thing about glasses. You can hit those. You can, you can

get a little windshield wiper going. No, but you can never get it all off because my glasses are still a little foggy from the load I took. Oh, really? Yeah, my dad. Oh, at least you and your dad are getting closer.

Finally, old Stevie. What's the weather your dad coming your face or your mother just kinda like choked, what do you call it? Smothery with her pussy for like 10 seconds. Smothery, what do you mean on the face? Like pussy on the face in the mouth. Like it's hard to breathe for five Mississippi's you

get five Mississippi's or you have to lay there while your dad mastermates took completion over your face and onto your face. I take the smother in a second big smother she's my smother and I love her yeah smother smother can you hear me your smother fucker I'll go smother because it's five seconds I can go to a happy place like a pretend it's another push because I can't see her even though I know that smell too Well because I came out of it, but the dad you got to talk to him He's gonna be like just say some stuff get me going well any 78s. It's gonna take a half an hour Oh, I would put a Viagra in that drink

Stir that up. Yeah, and I put a picture of a Putin on my face, something to get him going. Smother! Tell your dad not to come out, right? Face. All right, yeah, well, Smother should I trust the government, but Smother Brothers.

Ah, they're gonna be us. We'll be Smothering next to each other. We gonna hold hands. Oh, that would not take your mom. We could trade. Somebody animate that. We're gonna be Smothering next to each other. We don't have hands. Oh, now we don't take your mom. We can trade. Somebody animate that. We're gonna be smothered by our mothers. That ain't... Don't, that ain't Pixar. Uh, it's Dixar.

But, uh, yeah, so you've been, uh, you've been all over God's green earth. I've been everywhere. I'm like Johnny K. I've been everywhere since last time I saw it. And some of these story, I'm a trigger warning. You're gonna, I'm gonna get a bunch of Collins and write-ins there'll be a fucking you know people dropping flyers that this story's old well where we at see PEP I don't know if uh okay I just flew right by well so I did Boston 17 months ago yes back back before you left back back back back back back back not the Wilbur oh that was the old we already told that one got it yeah but Yeah, back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back wedding ring and I felt weird because there's all women so I went to touch it. You know, I'm a nervous Nelly.

Yeah, I wasn't there. And, uh, boy, I almost kissed, uh, the hygienist. Oh, wee! That's a clean, clean living. Complementing my mouth. They're leaning in telling you how clean your mouth is. It feels like a natural place to just, you know, do they have, uh, uh, an opener?

What do you call the septum pier thing or what's that lady thing? The opener clam thing. Lady opener, you know. No, the, the, the, you know, the thing, the speculum. Oh, I don't know the speculum. You gotta type two over here. So I assume they got two ladies with bungee cords with hooks at them pulling each side.

The Philadelphia speculum. I mean, I can open my mouth, just not wide. Look at this. Vacuum silver. That's nothing. I can't even get a golf ball in there. I know. I'm not, I can't be gay. I don't know about that.

He's still got to ask the assholes wider than the mouth. Yeah, that's a good point. Probably is. Dialate. I take, I've definitely taken shits that wouldn't fit in the mouth. Hmm. That is interesting. Anyways, I went to Boston, I went back to Boston, as you know, to win comedian of the year. Whoa!

Folks! That's right, and that's not something you can find just around the corner. There you go. Sure, there's a new one every year, but. Second Greg Morton. And the way I got it, I really had to work hard. I had my friend Dan Bouldshire

tell the guy who runs it. Why don't you give it to list? Perfect. And he said, okay. It's all about who you know. I know Dan Bulture tell the guy who runs it. Why don't you give it to list perfect? And he said okay It's all about who you know I know Dan Bulture, baby. Yeah, battle of the bulge so Yeah, whitey bulger. Oh, yeah, so how do you feel? They feel different your legs look great? You got to do a good dentist and I had a comedian award I feel like a million bucks. I mean Community of the year is exciting so I go up there and I get so excited.

I'm like, I'm gonna go up to Boston. I'll see the family have a nice time. And I decide, I'm gonna go up Friday, because it doesn't pay to win community of the year. You gotta plug. There's no money. But my manager said, they'll give you a hotel for the night. You can be part of the festival, which is fun.

No, no comments. I do a set okay So I say how about let's see if we can get the hotel for Friday and Saturday have a little Boston weekend Throw it out there because you know other than Patriots day a lot of times I do the Wilbur once a year or this year I did laugh Boston normally I do Boston once a year for Patriots day I had that one weekend But normally I'm going to see the family and Whitman. Yes. So I don't get to be in my favorite city that often. Fiend town, baby. And it's home to me and I love it. And it's just such a tremendous, anyone that says anything negative about Boston is just

out of their mind, they're full of shit, they're incorrect. By the way, the numbers don't lie. Way up, the numbers of people moving to Boston are skyrocketing. No kidding. Yeah, LA's down, New York's down, all these plays are down. Boston. Take it up. Even ever it where I used to live as a shithole is now coming up.

They have a casino that's really back to it. Oh, well casino, that brings in good citizens. But anyway, so I go up there, I get the hotel for Friday and Saturday. And it's a nice hotel. I wrote it down. Let me just double check. Oh, Yannis just texted back. Let's see if he confirmed I'm there

All right, Greek Greek Helia Yannis. So Yannis is confirmed now. We have to pay an extra person because we hired someone to take this place But what the fuck was the hotel? God Greek Damn it nice hotel to oh the boxer the boxer hotel. I don't know it. Nice hotel, too. Oh, the boxer. The boxer hotel. I don't know it. Yeah, it's a small little thing, so I'm gonna drive it up Friday and I go, I can't wait, and then I get the dreaded call. Oh, God, AIDS.

Ron on Hershberg. Oh, even worse than AIDS. He goes, hey, I'm in Boston this weekend. I'm doing the festival. We live in the same house and you go oh Great haven't we seen enough of each other your neighbors for Christ's I mean, I can't quit this man So I go great perfect. We'll drive that'll be fun. I Can't wait I can't quit you But no, I'm joking of course. I love Ronan.

We just did a new episode of Joe and Ronan on Talk movies. It's a fact, Jack. That's sort of whatever we'll see. Okay. But it was fun, so I ride up with him. You love having a buddy to ride with. Oh, that helps. Always a great feeling now.

I'm off Friday. I just wanted to be up in Boston. So I go, maybe I'll come to your show. Who's on your line? He tells me, hey. And then I go I go, maybe I'll come to your show, who's on your line? If he tells me, I go, hey! And then I go, well, maybe I'll go do this. So maybe I'll do that. So then I get, I'm driving up, I forget,

it's game two of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals featuring the Boston Celtics. The game is in Boston. Wow! So I go, why don't I go to that? It turns out my hotel is like 200 yards from the game. Come on, look at this. So as we're pulling in, I drop off Ron on sort of,

I made him walk to his hotel. It was a long ride. He's the Boston bomber. And I see all these Celtics people and I go, and you know me, I can't not go. Yeah, sporting event, big and town, you gotta do it. So I hit up my equipment, I say, what say you come to the Celtics game with me and he says well I got

this gig I would if I could now how do you feel about this this is an interesting point of debate possibly yeah bringing on for you know we we we we look at uh finances differently sometimes so I say he and finance I say hey I'm gonna bring it and, I gotta show anyways, but how much is a ticket to that cost? And I go, well, I can get ticked. Don't worry about the money. I'm doing okay. I'm the comedian of the year. Yeah.

Tickets are about 350. Yeah, a little steep. It's steep, but I go. He goes bleed even. That's the nose bleed. This is the playoffs baby finals. So I go I don't care. I'm taking Whitman. I love this guy. I'm doing all right. We've been friends for 25 years Let's go to the game now that's 700 clams pre-feed pre-fees. This is gonna be Karen Fee and so I go

This is gonna be 750 whatever I've had a good year blimp and 750 whatever I've had a good year blimp and Median of the year. I'm excited so I go fuck it. I'm taking my buddy daddy war bucks Yeah, come on either get my wife so I go you know what? I'll just go on my own. I've been to many sporting events by myself. I'll go by myself and you save a couple of shekels So you think oh good so that's the thought is, you know, well, about to save $400 because my buddy can't come. Plus I get credit for the good deed.

Yes, yes, deed. I was thinking Belger, Belger's a Celtic fanatic, but he was up in Maine. Nice to do. So now I go, well, I was gonna spend $700. Oh, God. I could save $350 or I could get a ticket twice as good as the one I have.

Oh, look at you, you're letting it rise. So now I'm just pacing and pulling my hair. If you put it in a film, it would look like when Henry's making the meatballs, it just keeps jump cuts where I'm like, huh? Oh yeah. 750, do I want to save the 350? But don't you find it like, because I'm like,

I'm having a baby. What if I can't afford a diaper someday? We can't get rent we're evicted and I go I spent 350 on a ticket. I'm a fucking idiot terrifying But I had already accepted I was spending that money right so why don't I Upgrade yeah, I'm like that stupid. I could save 350 dollars a flight to somewhere sure We could fly to LAX from LaGuardia, but Is the seat change worth it? That's what my point is you get the nose bleed We all get that's up in the rafters at Stinks if you got a binocular out there

But if you go down 10 rows for another 300, I don't know if that's worth well This isn't 10 rows. This is like on the floor Okay, floor is big so I look I go back and forth up and down over and out finally I just and I'm like literally losing my I'm like punching myself in the face Yeah, and just shoving shoes in my ass the way I like sure I just go for it behind the hoop row I mean I'm three rows behind the hoop, row three, off the floor. I mean, I'm three rows behind the hoop, Jerry. Hoop-D, Pinto.

So I go, boop, I close my eyes, I hold my finger out, I press the stub hub, go for it, I buy a $770 ticket. And somebody stubble off is just going, we got a live one here. They reeled a bit. I got duped, duped, moaness, and finally I just go, wow, whatever I got. And then immediately I'm like,

my baby's gonna die in the streets. Yes. Yes. That's cause I'm gonna make him blow me. Sure, it happens. And I'm like, what am I doing? You piece of shit. So then you have this, I know you have this.

As soon as I do it, I'm like, all right, let me do push. I gotta do 100 push ups. It doesn't make sense. They're not even correlated. No, no. I'm doing push ups and dips and jumping jacks and squats. I'm looking for anything to post on reels. I'm like, I gotta make money. I'm literally just taking a photo by asshole. I'm like, I'll put that on reels. I gotta upload a YouTube. You should do this more. Anytime you're

like feeling lazy, just buy something expensive before you know it. You're roofing. So that's what I felt like. So then I went, okay, I've been making these videos where I do play by play and stuff So I'm like I gotta get content if I'm spending 700 bucks. Let me get content Maybe it blows up on YouTube. Good trade. So right away I start video taping stuff around the streets and start doing a video Which is difficult by the way a lot of people these videos have done well, but people think that I Shoot it and then in post done well, but people think that I shoot it and then in post do voiceover, which is very sweet that anybody thinks I know how to do that.

No. I'm like full retarded person. The fact that I can cut them together on an iMovie is the greatest accomplishment of my life. The miracle. So for the folks at home, yes, I am just saying this stuff next to the people and everyone's like, there's no way he'd get beat up, but I don't think people realize you can talk into your phone like this and people can't hear you. Now this games and music and crowd. Yeah, so you just go like, whoa, wait, I mean,

every once in a while someone's like, what's wrong with this person? Sure. But when I'm like, look at this fucking idiot, he is 20 feet away from me. Wow. But, uh, we fall seed major league, you get him a little what for? Yeah, you say whatever. And so anyway, so I start doing the video, that I'm like, I'm just gonna go over there now. I'm gonna go in early, cause I don't wanna deal with the crowds and everything.

And so I go over there. I'm like, a dork. I'm the first one, cause my seat is so good. I'm like, I just wanna get in there. I'm like, one of the first 80 people in the fucking stadium. Wow. I go there, I sit down in my seat, you get a free towel,

I grab some of those, my knees and nephew, yeah, you can come in it. Yeah. I get to my seat, it's squishing, it's like security, being like, you don't have a seat in here, I'm like, I do, I swear to God, the seat is cushy. I sit down, I'm directly behind the hoop, it's like wide. So like, I can't, I have to literally do this to see the rim.

It's like a stuck-a-view. No, the backboard. It's like, yes, and the whole frame of the thing, the rim is blocked by the backboard, so I really have to do like a thing like this. Oh, no. But I'm close. Okay.

I'm up there. I'm up there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it. Can you see when they dunk you right there? Yes, I'm good. The players are so big, but also it's, I'm like off the floor so it's like flat. So the guy in front of me, like, I gotta like look at that rim job.

But it's a great seat, but not a great seat. My father's gay. Yeah. 700 bucks. I'm gonna do it. I'm just looking in the balcony at the three hundos and I'm like, that's nice, you get a full view. Exactly.

And then it makes you wonder That that actually is good content to go look at these seats and you show the the backboard. That's funny Well, that's what I thought so that a guy Sit I had a bomb with a with a legend So a guy sits in front of me and it's just head and so I take a photo of mostly head When you can see the players over here and I said said to Bill Burr and I will text about Boston Sports quite a bit and I go, bought a $700 ticket to the game thinking, isn't this funny? I'm behind some guy's head.

And then Burr just writes back, love it. You know how to live my friend. He's like, you'll never regret spending that money. And I'm like, no, the joke is the head isn't the way. But he didn't even get it. He was like, that's beautiful, man. Wow. So now I feel like kind of a dork, because I'm like, oh, like, you thought I just- was like, unironically telling you I bought a $700 ticket.

Yeah. So I feel like- Like, it's kind of like your bragging. Look at me. It's been in money. But he was like, I love it, bro. So he took it as like, nice, man. But I thought he was gonna be like, that's hilarious.

Yeah. So I felt like a bombed Bombing bomber oh Bomber Oh bomb back, but yeah backboard But bomb backboard the video came out great Check it out on my YouTube and then the Celtics so then it's like a barn bird and then there's all these slept I Shaquille O'Neill and Charles Barclay are over there for TNT Shut up and dribble and then the rapper lud a barn bird and then there's all these slept like Shaquille O'Neal and Charles Barkley over there for TNT Shut up and dribble and then the rapper Lutacris is right over there. I don't know anything about Lutacris

He could come in here. I wouldn't know him. Hey, I don't like him. I saw him at Jazz Fest. He phoned today trash The city big big big enemy. Well, he was there and I of course I was like this guy I had to reach to these like college grease being like who's the fellow over there? Yeah, Lutacris and of course I'm like this. Luna Christ is here, everybody. So then listen to this one. And I don't want it disparage. Move bitch, get out the way.

I don't want people to take this the wrong way. And it's not like I'm trashing a comedian because it's a comedian. I respect, but I sit down in my seat, 700 bucks, Shaquille O'Neill is over there, Charles Brock, Antoine Walker, all these Celtics legend Mike Gorman Who's like Hall of Fame broadcaster for the South I grew up with him. He's sitting right in front of me

He's right there. You like legend. You like saying Gorman don't you it's fun to say Gorman and The players are right there the coaches are right there. I sit in my seat and I say I'm accepting. I spent the 700 bucks I got the money. I'm making a funny video. Let's go Celtics. I Settle into my big seat. I got my towel. I text everyone. I know look at these I texted with Barrel I'm texting with Derek going look at these fucking seats, baby Celtics. Yeah About two minutes happened go by and I see a security guy is gonna suit walking along the floor It's comedian Alex Edelman, who's about 25 years younger than me. He started 30 years later.

He gets escorted to floor seats. Wow. Ruined the whole night for me. Wow. I like Alex. He's a very funny comedian. He's kicking ass. He's a celebrity.

He's huge. He was in town doing a theater. I didn't even know he was big. He was big. He's good for him. Oh, he's big, but you feel like, look at this. He was in town doing a theater. I didn't even know he was big. He was big. He was good for him. Oh, he's big, but you feel like, look at this. It's all from comedy. Look at me.

I finally made it. Top of the shelf, a number one, King of the Hill. Yes. And here comes a comedian who's 11 years old and just gets escorted by security. He's on the bench this guy. Wow. He almost got in.

He just gets to keep you down on I'm not even watching the game I'm just staring I'm like God that is a plus yes I bet he didn't base 700 for that now he probably got it escorted in by the owner I don't know what happened I think they gave him 700 to come by but his feet were in play the ref had to be like

you got to move your shoe jeez he's the least doing the Larry David he's out there feet on the court. I mean, he fucked me this guy. Man, that's hilarious. That's all. Woo. Boy.

Ruined my whole night, but that was fun. We made a fun video. Who else was there? I don't know. I think that was it for that. Well, I think that's going to be hard to follow Edelman if you're talking celebrities. I saw Ludicrous, Charles Barkley, Antoine Walker,

Gailo Neal, Mike Gorman, Alex Edelman, and then of course all the players. Sure, sure. Jimmy Buckets is there, of course. Oh, that's the bucket list. Jason Tatum, all the boys. Tatum on Neil. And then the worst part of the Celtics are up 12 in the fourth quarter. Jungle's rock and everyone's going crazy. They blow the lead. They lose the game. So then not only do you spend 700 bucks? I got obstructed view Edelman beat me the Celtics lose and just go I got to take my own life here. Yeah, yeah, it's a $700 loss. It's horrible But check out the video go it's Joe list goes to Celtics playoffs or something

It's got 4,000 views. I can't wait to see the video. Yeah, it's on YouTube. It's on YouTube I got a bunch of videos on there. Please subscribe and, and don't worry, I've 300,000 people more, watch it, I'll almost make my money back. There we go, yeah, well you're hell of a person of color commentator, you're really good at it. The people like it, the people have spoken.

The play by playboy, I call myself. Hey. So then Saturday comes around and it's just rain all day. That's the word when you're like, I have a day in my favorite city. Yeah. Forecast all day rain. I hate the rain.

Rain on my parade. I went to a fucking Amsterdam for my honeymoon. Rain the whole time. We got divorced. I remember. Yeah. But so it's raining all day. I hit up Ron on, but then you know what we did?

I felt good about it. I said, let's just walk in the rain. Woody Allen does it in his movies get the umbrella from the hotel got a rain jacket walked all around we had a great talk We went to a cigar lounge great one in the North and we went there together before with Alvin and Bulger Oh, yeah, that's a very nice fun had a cigar and I got to give give props to Ron Because a lot of times you bring a non cigar guy to a cigar place like i'll try one they get a fifty dollar cigar they throw up blood they smoke a tenth of it he smoked the whole cigar we had a great talk great hang ronna's a fun hang good egg and an insightful guy here every time i talk to him i go that's good i never thought of it that way

he's good point man big thinker and hilarious comic check out Joe and Ron on my YouTube is shocked full of fun and Great hang then I had to go over to the majestic theater for the festival and I'm getting this award was exciting Brian Kylie Brilliant writer one of our favorites and a bit of a beefcake. He's ripped big beef cake is sun played pro baseball Got to meet him. He was winning lifetime achievement award. Oh. And like that. He had his whole family there and I got to tell you that so the show is the contest, the final of the contest,

the Boston County Competition. Oh yes. You ever do it? Oh many times. Yeah. 20s. He hadn't done it in a long time. It used to be a huge deal.

He was a boy. I would take the fun wall back and forth. Absolutely. It was a big, big deal. It started the year I started doing comedy. So we kind of like started to get... And... Bulger famously won it when he was like 11. Yes, I remember where I was like Kennedy being shot.

I was at the Green Room at City Steam. Wow. It might have been when we did the weekend, no, wait, what am I talking about? I didn't even know you it was like oh four. No, I was that was a child, but I remember being like Dan ball He was 19 years old. Yes, and I was like what That fucking guy. I mean he was literally a kid kid. He key quick college like the next day. Yeah, he had seven in it She was that good my hymen broke. That's not like a snapper. You get an

abrasion. Yeah, that hurt too. I don't know what I just pulled. Oh, that was a ligament. I that wasn't even a fart. Oh, that's not like a TV got turned off. It was like replay that back later. I'm dying to hear it. Um, I think something

happens. But any jizz. So the content, so it's weird because you're at the finals of the contest, so all these comedians are walking around all nervous and shared for a big day, and I'm winning my plaque, and I have no plaque. There you go. So my uncle Dale,

often mentioned Uncle Dale. Back to plaque. He goes, hey, I gotta come see this, and I go, wow, it's no big deal. deal i'm doing seven minutes you're at the willber and this is touching black panther he said it was it about the i came to my way we could be graduated from the fire department academy the fire academy the same week i did my first set so our careers are parallel yes came to my first show ever how do you like that shops lounge and i said now this isn't a big

deal it's like, it's a fake prize. Nobody's coming. I don't care. My father's gay and he goes, I don't, you're getting an award for comedy in Boston. I'm going. I want a guy. That's a touching. He's your the anti-Listie list. He really touched my, my dick when I was a kid and I'm going over it now. Oh, fireman, you can do worse. He likes a hose great great for our very

But oh, he's got pop-I on him. He's a strong man But anyway, so he comes and and his wife Heather who I also love and they came which touched my heart And then the whole cast of 4th of July not the whole cast but many of the cast members from 4th of July the film Hey, that's appropriate day of on 4th of July 32% rotten tomatoes, check it out. Born on Fourth of July, very high rating. Yeah, but they all came and it touched my heart and then I had to follow Kylie.

He's getting a lifetime achievement. He gave a speech and I mean a speech. Yeah. It was touching and moving and made me love comedy and reflect on comedy. And it's interesting because he started I think in 85 in Boston, but none of those Boston guys ever left. So his story parallels mine. Wow. Same with Louis. He's like I was 20 years old. I went in. I met Tony V and Don Gavin and Kevin and I like all the same guys I started. So it was really making me feel the emotion.

Yeah, this is a big deal, babbo Kylie. And such a great guy and he didn't do material there. I wish he did. His jokes, the crowd would have been relieved to hear some bits. Got it. Uh, never said. So then I went up after him and I did, they said I was supposed to do eight. I think I did like 14, which I've never got over in my life and I didn't see the light but I was having such a great time.

The crab was hot, it was really fun, I was touched to get the award and then a little bit sad, there was no hang or party after. That's kooky, that's new in comedy. It's very new, I was like where's everyone going? And they were like, ah, now we're going home. Yeah, they look at their phones, there's very new. I was like, where's everyone going? And they were like, ah, no, we're going home. Yeah, they look at their phones. There's no connection. Yeah, it was a little weird. And then I was like, I'm going to go meet Ron on. And then his gig was further away than I realized. And he didn't come back.

And then I thought I was going to meet up with Mike Whitman. And he ended up not being around. So I kind of just sat in my hotel with my black. Man. But went and saw the family the next day. But anyways, I was touched to win the award. It was a fun night, Kylie, well deserved. And what a beautiful man.

And it was fun to feel part of that and the connection with him. And so I'm grateful to the Boston Comedy Festival. But I gotta tell you, I'm like, we gotta get back to the party. Yeah, it used to be an event. And everyone's disconnected and splintered. They all do their own thing. It's a real bummer, but let me ask you this, the plaque.

What do you, you got that on the mantle? You got it up, are you proud of it? Does it look nice? It's just kinda, no, no, we didn't. Yeah, that's what I was getting at, is awards for comedian. They're not, no, no, we didn't. Yeah. That's what I was getting at is awards for comedian. They're not, I have that, some award, I won the Great American, whatever the hell. Oh yeah, I was there for that.

It's got more dust on it than my wife's clit. Yeah, it's cool, you know, but yeah. Yeah. But I think part of it is, I don't wanna take away some of the other. No, take away. But it wasn't like there's a commission, everyone voted. Right.

It was like, oh yeah. Yeah, we'll give it to him. It's still nice to be recognized. So I appreciate it. Yeah, my cousin got me a card, it was nice, and it feels good, but you know. And then what do you do as my other question, because I'm an idiot, what do you do

with the, as a sober, CWEEF? You got the night off, Ronan's in brain tree or whatever the hell? You got no booze. What do you do? You go back and watch a film, jerk off. Maybe I meditate. Okay. Check the numbers on that video. Yeah. Well, that's one thing about us. I feel like we can we're not we don't get bored. No, I can look at a video I can go on the internet. I can jerk off. I can eat my own ass. I'm good. I read and then I got up the next morning walked the next day was beautiful

So I did a long walk around the city went to a meeting saw some peeps that I know and It was it was touching it just it touched it hits different at home. Oh yeah for you what's it called crowd daddy fest or whatever. Marty Grun. Marty Grun and Patriots day you just go home it touches your heart and your fart you hear the accent you see the old friends and it it's such a huge part of who you are and where you came from it really it moves you. Here here all right well thanks bean town and we're sitting here with a award winner. So that's exciting. And I think we're about

oh my god. Kiss 108. Yeah. She wins. We all right. Well, I'm all over the road. My tickets are dwindling, folks. So can we pick up the you don't say? I'm all over the road. My tickets are dwindling folks. So can we pick up the you don't say? I'm all over August all over September. I'm going to Europe going to the UK's Dublin, Scotland. We'll have to figure out scheduling there, but it's not that long and cares. Let's quit. All right Berlin and Copenhagen, but yeah, coming to LA coming to All kinds of San Diego, all kinds of places. So say hello, go, it's all my website.

Get a mug, go gay, we got some new stuff on the Patreon cook. And... Where do they even get a mug? I have no idea, give it a goog. A mug stands, and where are you at there, Fanny? Um, next weekend, I am in Irvine, as mentioned July 12th to the 15th. The weekend after that San Jose July 19th to the 21st August is crazy. Providence comedy connection to

the 3rd to the 5th Nashville. I'm coming to Dallas improv. Nice. Zainey's one night only September 6th I think it is in between Pearl Jam shows out there in Chicago and then Cobubs in San Francisco that weekend. So, Trevor, crazy weekend. I'm going to Chicago Pearl Jam, Zainey's Pearl Jam Cubs Cubs. Wow, that's a show biz week right there.

And then a big one, because Philadelphia is one of our big markets for this. Yes. Helium, October 5th through the 7th. And that's my last work before I have a child for God's sake. Oh my God. What a sentence wouldn't mind getting that percentage deal down there So please buy some ticket buy early and often if you know what I mean and I think we got a live twos gaze going on over there It's a boy August 28 Second August 22nd. Okay. How do you like them apples? In Philadelphia, please get those tickets, grab those up,

and join the Patreon. We just keep putting more fucking shit on there. It's killer. It's basically its own channel. What do you got there? Chakaruni. Check out my podcast, Fun Barable, newest episode has Mike Cannon on. Hey. He talks about how he knocked his dad out. I don't know if you know that story. I don't know that story. I don't know that story. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I up straight for pay. Fizzie. Yeah, good stuff. Hey, I'm gay for pay. Thanks a lot folks. We'll see you all in hell. Brazala. God bless America. Oh, I have to be. I'm watching the music time