Tuesdays with Stories! - #513 Hugo DOS

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

Mark is back from the Fully Loaded tour with Bert Kreischer and ...*drumroll* his parents! Joe goes to Maine to spend time with the fam and see a young man vomit! Happy Tuesday!! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - This episode is sponsored by BlueChew. Want to have better sex? Visit https://www.bluechew.com and use code TUESDAYS to receive your first month free - pay only $5 shipping - Save on your first 6 bottles of wine at https://TryFirstleaf.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and join FabFitFun as a new seasonal member to get 20% off your membership. Head to https://www.fabfitfun.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose what's going on. Hey! Nani, nani! We're back! Woo! That took everything ahead. I'm a, I'm in a bad sorts.

Yeah, you don't look good. Well, you look fine actually You know you seem slightly off, but you look regular. I'm off kilter. I'm off white My head if you do before and after a fully loaded a photo my head is three inches wider Uh-huh my cock is thinner, but the the inflammation the three inches wider, my cock is thinner, but the inflammation, the booze, it stays in you. Well, don't you soak in the ice bath and film it and put it on YouTube? I do all that, nothing works.

It, you look more like Bert, but longer you're there. Oh, jeez. I know, so you gotta get out, get back, do a pull up. You know, you know, you need a, a bib lettuce and get back out there. But he's gotta be lift in the somewhere because he's all he's a big fella I'll tell you look nip up to the shoulders look great. Yeah, you go down down past the the gut and it's it's you know horrific but

Yeah, he's in good shame. He we were doing squats dead lives and he's putting them up Yeah, he's a big boy and Nip Up is a fun thing. I don't know if it's a good pet name or TV show, but Nip Up. Nip Up. Not good for an Asian. It sounds like you're like you're doing a shoot with a hot lady in a tight shirt and you're like, we got a Nip Up and then you get them all pointy and then you start rolling. Woo! So you're back, you're better than ever, you're bigger than ever, you're like my father's gay. I'm care than ever, we flew in today, a 5am wake up is one of those weird things where you wake up, you're still fucked up, you're going down to the lobby, it's Rosebud, it's Big J, it's Chad Danes, it's Kelsey Cook, we all get in the car together. What a group!

Great group and then we go right to the airport and I go, I'm treating everybody to the lounge. No lounge at O. What a group. Great group, and then we go right to the airport, and I go, I'm treating everybody to the lounge. No lounge at O.K.C. Uh, geez. Get it together there, your tuners. Yeah, you got a goddamn basketball team. Yeah, it's a great town, the old brick town, 504. Yeah, well, a bit friendly.

Brick town and Timothy McVeigh and uh... I opened with that. Oh yeah? I went on the a read and I said, uh, boy, it's gonna be back at OKC. Yeah, last time I was here, I had a horrible set, but not the worst bomb you've seen and they went, oh, nice collection of groans. Hmm.

10,000 groans. They might have heard it before. Uh, possibly. It's probably been done. I mean, I would suspect possibly. I had to do it. Yeah, possibly. It's probably been done. I mean, I would suspect possibly. I had to do it. Yeah, it's fun. I like it. I mean, I just did it. I brought it up in the green room and everyone's like, you got to do that. So I had to do it. I hate this.

You got to do it. I get fucked every time on the Patreon right now. There's me bouncing a bit and everyone in the room. I'm not going to name names you. We're like, that's good. That's gold, I did it. Really? The UFC, remember? Uh, UFC with the coach. Trying to be nice.

Yeah, the camera's rolling, I couldn't let you down. Yeah, it was a real tank of room, it's all on there. Join the Patreon today, there's, yeah, me bouncing bits, Mark saying it's good and then just eating a cup of shit. Yeah, yeah, and uh you know it's a bomb when you can hear the old straw slurp. The slurp in the back and and uh salacuse just squeezes. I think he also distracts the audience. He squeezes into the front row and like what are you doing? Get out of here. I know he's like a national geographic guy. You're gonna get killed by the lion. He's that guy.

Yeah, and it's shaking out of focus but enough about him uh it's a hell national geographic guy. Like, you're gonna get killed by the lion. He's that guy. And it's shaky and not a focus, but enough about him. It's a hell of a bonus. Make sure you check it out. And speaking of bonuses, how's about that live podcast at the Grammar Sea? That was lunch. Hot, hot crowd.

We mic the audience this time. You fucking come, Guzzlinazzi. You won't stop critiquing the audio, but this sounds like a peach. It's great. It's peachy sound, dance soda, on fire that night. Killing, killing the voices, the noises, the giant head. He stole the show.

Yeah, he really nailed it. And Yannis was amazing. Karen was there. It was really something else. I think it was the same joke on the intro. I just realized, what can you do? Well, she deserves it. She was really mean to me.

But, good kid. Yeah. Hot, hot lady. Yeah, she's a good girl. I'm only kidding. Someone wrote to me that I can tell you a pissed

and Karen, I'm like, what's wrong with you? I love the people who know what you're thinking. I know, and I'm like, we're friends. What are you talking about? Yeah, you know what's the other annoying one when they go, hey, good friends, what are you talking about? Yeah, you know what's the other annoying one when they go,

hey, good set, but you look nervous, and I'm like, but I wasn't nervous. Well, you look nervous, I'm like, well, I was having a great time. But they know more than you. Yeah, what can you do? Most people are just right. Hey, the best.

Look at how this gay fuck me blow me. I gotta stop reading these comments. But yeah, the live one was a special half of it's up on the episode feed and the other half is on the Patreon, just the good half, and it gets a little dicey. So you might want to fork over a few bucks a month and get in there. Yeah, yeah, we really go in on the old tards.

So if you like that kind of humor, you're in luck. That's my humor. But yeah, it's never been a better time to join the Patreon. I got a kid come, oh my God, Chuck's playing the deleted files, I love it. He's easy, come on. I thought that was the Kramer set. He's sticking down the pegs there.

Chuckie. God damn. But yeah, I get on the Patreon, I got a kid, I can't pay for diapers. I talked to Mike Racine, he told me his daycare is $2,000 a month. What? What is the kid just staying in a studio and health's kitchen?

I don't understand, he's in Brooklyn Heights. So maybe it's a gay person with Fedora and skinny jeans that watches this baby. I don't know, two grand a month. Wow, must be a hell of a drag queen. I mean, I made this place to save money in my life, but I'm not giving up my equinox account for this baby Just put that kid in the steam room and let it let him ride it out

Wrinkle him up a little bit. I think it'll I think it'll be fine. I don't know. Yeah Well, what happened? I went up in a playground or you let him play in the street You get a stick ball or a hoop when you push it down the street the the wheel then you open up a fire hydrant Good times. Yeah, I think I'll be fine. I don't know. He can be a solitary kid. I think that's good for you. That's what I was.

Yeah. My brother was, he was two years older than me. I'm six. He's eight. You think we'd hang out, but no, he was on the laptop the whole time. The computer, the desktop. They didn't have laptops back then. Yeah.

Yeah, what can you do? He was a big nerd. What we lived in a scary neighborhood. I think he was like, I'm gonna stay in and figure out DOS. What's DOS? It's an old computer programmer. Hmm, you remember DOS? I don't know, DOS.

He go DOS. There you go. DOS, Eki's. But yeah, yeah, I'm hurting, but I landed today. Little embarrassing, I hit the lounge on the arrival and they all made fun of me. I've done that before, I think that's okay. It's food, it's coffee, dessert, open bar, why wouldn't I?

Yeah, why not? Well, take me through, I mean, so you went out, where'd you go, what happened, what town? I'll give you the whole rig of my roll, and I'll just give you the fun beats. Yeah, you start first of all This thing's been going. This is like the fifth week or whatever. Okay, which is impressive because I'm four days in and I'm I look like Who's somebody that looks bad?

Chuck. Thank you. I look like Chuck after haircut fresh haircut on Chuck by the way looks like a hundred bucks That's a 98. But yeah, so fly in the Huntsville, which is a bitch to get to. Alabama, a NASA took over. It's a weird mix of hillbillies and autistic Asians over there. Sure. It's a bunch of engineers and red necks, but beautiful amphitheater. You show up and you just it's right in the party mode. I walk up

Bert and Nate Bargaz here there. I didn't know Nate was gonna be there chat down They're all taking driving ranges out in the field and then some guy slides up on a slip and slide You're like holy shit. This is crazy and they had you a mimosa and It's this great theater Nate does a set jelly roll goes on on, you're familiar with this cat? Who's Jelly Roll? I don't know Jelly Roll. He's a big fat rapper. He looks like a Ralphie May fucked Post Malone.

He's got all the tats on his face. He's a big guy. He's one, I think he's one of the only rappers to hit a number one on rap and country chart. No kidding. Yeah, he's a little hip, he's too hip for us. I don't know the Jelly Roll. He's big, he's by when he. He's too hip for us. I don't know the jelly roll. He's big.

He's by when he came out, the crowd went apeshit. Wow. Yeah, cool guy, nice guy. Made a nice joke with him and Bert hugged on stage of crowd went crazy. I said it looked like a commercial for blood pressure. I don't think he loved that. But a lot of dark jokes coming out this week.

But so do he plays the hit, do you know it? Are you like, oh, jelly roll? Not really, but I don't know the radio. I don't know what the kids are spinning these days. And he sings or he just says, hey, what's up? I'm jelly roll. He went out there and wrapped, then he did a country, then he did a cover, he did a sweet home Alabama, but like a, ee-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e- I don't know what he actually says, but if you type in my donuts god damn it's gonna say sweet home Alabama

Is that like one of those Disney things where they like take your clothes off kids? All good teenagers take off their clothes. There you go. Yeah, that's just a bumper sticker I have But anyways, sorry, it's an inside asshole. I don't know. I like an Easter egg But he says something maybe we can pull up the club. I don't know if we're allowed to play it But it's a weird thing probably can't play it you're a demonetized Even though we're not even monetized on YouTube true We're in hell some nerd call it and help us with that because we've been trying for six months I think Shelby's gonna tower somewhere going yeah

Locked it up. He's got all the cash anyways to jelly roll goes out. He wraps. He swings sweet home Alabama Yeah, and I got to follow him. You know, we do this thing where we get together. This is a horrible idea in a comedy group. Bert's there, Chad's there, I'm there, Nate's there and when he goes, all right, we got to make the lineup. And everybody wants spots, but nobody can say I want that one. Yeah. You know, and don't you just, you can feel it when you're going to get the worst one. I'm just sitting there and I'm there, oh, who's gonna go after Jelly Roll? And I'm like, that sounds like hell. And then they're like, you do it. I'm like, all right, great.

Yeah, it sucks, but I get it, because you look through, you know, I don't know the specific lineup, but the going first, it's a, what's that word? It's dubious. Uh-huh. No, I don't know about dubious, but it's a dubious honor. Like they say. I don't know because. Who's that guy? a dubious honor, like they say. Oh, I don't know dubious honor.

Who's that guy? You can't put the shittiest comic up first. I see. Everyone will leave and the show will suck because the shittiest comic is, if they're too weak, they're not strong enough to go first. You're a celebrity kind of, they get excited, you come out.

He's a celebrity. Yeah, who? Ro Jellyfish. You got to be bigger than the role. No, role's big. I'm a, I'm a Danish. Well, he's, he's big in Alabama, but now- Yeah, all over the globe. But we're in Alabama.

That's true, but now I'm side conversation. I think it's a general. You're bigger than the jelly- I've heard of you. I never heard of him. Well, dubious on her sucks, and he sounds like a running back. dubious on her going down for the ball, but it was bad. You know, you got to, you got to say something. It was one of those acknowledged things where you're like, Hey, how about that, uh, jelly donut, uh, goddamn donut.

And they're like, yeah, then you slide into your act. Uh-huh. And did it go over, right? It took about 17 out of 20, but I got up. Yeah, I bet it went great. I'm sure they all went nuts. It was fun. And it's just, as Dave Chappelle would say,

it's a love fest out there. The crowd is just so happy and the beach balls bouncing and it's just the sun sets, jokes, laughs. If you go out there, you feel the love. You see other people smiling, they really need this. Now let me ask you this, does the show stay good? Because I see, they post the lineups with the times Yeah, and the show is nine days long does the crowd stay hot because they're so excited

They really do ciphers sounds hosted and he did a hell of a job I mean I wouldn't want to do because he's got the music and the joke so he's Look at this white guy. Hey, is that a black Puerto Rican? Whatever and they're going apes shit And they love it. They've said apes, and apes, and they're going crazy, and they do an intermission. And everybody does 15. So you never really get too bored of somebody. And then when Bert comes, it's like Elvis right before he died. Now, are they watching? Are you watching the show backstage? Are you hanging out? You're drinking, you're playing games? They, the crew is so good, it's fully loaded,

they set it up so well, there's catering, and there's a full bar and couches and a TV right side stage. So everybody's just hanging out, you got snacks, there's a guy, and I'm getting a top shelf drink made while I watch a Big J callination guy a nip up. Wow, it's great, it's great. And Big J sitting there doing crowd work Top shelf drink made while I watch big J call an Asian guy a nip up It's great. It's great and big J sitting there doing crowd work in a read and murder and they put the kid on the jumbo Tron, you know the guys like he's a virgin and then you see some guy who looks like you and the place goes crazy Wow, I've had sex yeah

You gotta have sex to get the herp you got that right and and warts and a a baby I got all kinds of proof of proof is in the pudding although the baby was not made in the bedroom It was in a lab, but like woo-hung That's a lot evidence, but yeah, I fucked Double-digit amount of women all right folks triple digit amount of weight Yeah, yeah, that's there. I guess under triple digits would be Not good. I'd be babies. Yeah, or todd that's there. I guess under triple digits would be not good. I'd be babies. Yeah.

Or toddlers or teenagers even. I'm sure this is some 80 pound teenagers. What's the difference with a baby and a Todd? Well, Todd, there. Glass, I think. The baby, I think a baby is a baby for what? Sometimes I still say how is the baby and the baby's four, which is a toddler?

Oh, toddler's older. Toddler's older than baby. And then infant is baby. Infant and baby are synonymous, are synonyms. Yeah. And then toddler, I think, is they toddler? Like, what, they walk and fall occasionally? Yes, yes, should be a wadler.

Cause they kind of waddle more than toddler. I don't even know what a toddler is. That's a good point. A toddler of love. That was something. All right, but yeah, then there's a fetus, which is before infant. Yes, and then there's a fetus.

Yeah, then there's an embryo. Embryo, and then there's come. Yeah. And eggs, come and eggs, breakfast. Or the worst radio team. So come and eggs become an embry, which becomes a fetus, which becomes a baby, which becomes a toddler, which becomes a... Boy, kid.

Kid, yeah. And then a child. And then a preteen, then a teen, then no one says post-team. Oh. You know, oval teen. Is that around still? I don't think so. I think it went the way of the dodo.

It does quick. That's quick and then there's slow. Yeah. What was the other one? Hershey's syrup. Hershey. I was always a Hershey's syrup. I never cared because quick was powder.

It's syrup syrup. Well, yeah, but then there was Bosco. Right, I never got into Bosco. I never heard of Bosco till science. I didn't either. I think that's a northeast. I mean from the northeast. And you still heard nothing.

Right in the heart of the northeast. Now, did you, when you put Hershey's syrup in your milk, did you make chocolate milk at all as a boy? Oh, yeah. Did you put the, did you pour the milk and then put the syrup in or the syrup at the bottom and then the milk? I did milk syrup.

Yeah, I was like one of the few that did the syrup first because I felt like I could properly see. Huh. I could see the thickness of the milk. I did milk syrup. Yeah, I was like one of the few that did the syrup first because I felt like I could properly see. I could see the thickness of the syrup. But everyone literally every single person that I was like my sopranos of my elementary school. Yeah, yeah, that's cookie. I couldn't get anyone on board. But did you ever see a movie the show Step by Step? Of course, Day by Day. Yeah, Cody. Yeah, Cody. You know where I'm going with this. Yeah, he poured it all in and then shook it up. It was a good gag.

That's a great gag. TGIF was big. That was huge. Yeah, we had a full house, family matters, step by step. Going places. Going place. Remember that one?

Alan Rock was in that. I don't know, going places. Going places. Brand new faces. I think it only did one season, but Alan Rock. Give that a goog. Alan Rock.'t know going places going places brand new faces I think it only did one season but Alan rock give that a goog Alan rock going places of course you know rock how can you not know rock he's the affairs builder he's Cameron from yeah yeah yeah and succession and he's in succession and and young guns to and speed how do you like that I like it a lot wow rock rock Iuck. Ruck. I don't know if Ruck can carry a show. Ruck, he carries the session, doesn't he? I never saw it. I didn't carry. He's a

little bit of a fancily. Okay, well, I regret not trying to get him to play my dad in the field and in real life. Yes. I think he could have been a good dad. The Ruck stops here. Darius Rucker. You found it? Yeah, it aired from September 1990 to March 1991, so pretty short. Yeah, wow. Six months, but I was right in there. Well, Ruck me. And I was nine. Heather Locklear.

Woo! I didn't know that. That hot little minks. Yeah, that was exciting. It's weird to look back now that you're an adult in show business and you have the feelings and the emotions. It's weird to think Alan Rock at that point was like, I just got a fucking sitcom.

This is huge. Huge and then it just comes and goes, but I think he was on Spin City for a hot minute. Yes. We really want to dig deep. Spin City was very good at that before he got all, you know, salicusey. Yeah.

I got all wiggly. But then they brought old Sheen in, and he was banging whores and doing blow and just running as it comes. Boy, sheen really rules. When you sit back and really think about sheen, he's tremendous. Oh yeah, I love him. Big fan of the sheen and got AIDS apparently and still cooking.

HIV. Ah, that's, you know, that's lesser. Is it? Of course. Okay, sounds worse to me. No, AIDS is bad. You got hearing aids and that helps. Teach your aids. Well hearing aids is bad. If you have it, that's getting you're a little off. I guess, but the the invention is good. That's good we have them. Sure. That's good we have AIDS, you know, knocked out quite a few, you know, true, they're doels. He kept, he kept, he kept, uh, magic Johnson humble. I'm, I'm Joe, I feel like I got to say I'm joking.

Should, ticker across. Joe, come in because they're not going to have, well, they know, but then they, they, they, they, oh, those, like, the, the, the two's games, they, someone could cut this and, and put it out there. And then I lose my go those like the the twos gaze That someone could cut this and put it out there and then I lose my sitcom like rock. I don't know who we talking about The people that are gonna be the people that put out the clips and say listen to these two guys They have AIDS Wish they wish yeah, I get it now saying I'm saying I gotta make it clear and I'm joking. I of course cuz they probably you all right No one's got aids. We love everybody love aids and no one deserves to die

Well there's a couple people probably of course. Yeah, there's some real jerks out there. Yeah, all right, so Ruck Ruck be a lady tonight and so here's the problem with the tour. It's so fun, the fully loaded, and then you drink, you drink, you do the show, and you're all juiced, and Bert puts all the people who drink on the bus. Because, you know, it's Rosebud, his prego, Sypho doesn't drink, Chad is kind of old, you know.

He's gonna love this. And, you know, great guy, funny guy, whatever. That's too late, you know, he's gonna love this and you know great guy funny guy whatever that's too late You blew it. He doesn't go hard anymore. I don't think and so it's me. It's big J It's a couple other guys on the bus with Bert and we just chat it up and get high and keep drinking and He's got that guy Pete. Oh, I love Pete. Pete booted, Judge. Pete from the bachelor part. Yes, yes. Pete's just making cocktails. And so you'll be like, and did you hear what Todd Glass said about, blah, blah, blah, boop, hand him a drink, guzzle it.

And how about with Daniel Tosh, fuck, Louis in the ass, you know? And we're just going back and forth. And then you wake up at two and you leave. And they're like, we're going to the batting cages and you're like, ah, okay. And then there's eight cameras in your face and you do a cold plunge and a gator wrestle and it's a whole thing. So why does Rosebud travel? She's on the other bus.

There's two buses. There's many buses. Oh, I see. There's a lot of comedians. I see. Well, you said puts on the bus. So I thought maybe they had a, you know, a wheelchair or something. Yeah, yeah.

Big J told me later, he gets a hotel at every stop secretly and like hangs out in it. And I was like, well, I didn't know that was an option. Wow, that sounds like a good time. It's a great summer camp with alcohol and comedy. Yeah, the tour is in Vegas while I'm in Vegas, so I'm a little nervous to pop over there. I'd say pop in and I can give you my badge. You can just walk right in, get some catering, make a tea, say hello and leave.

I'd like to think they'd provide me with a badge. If you don't want to go to the office. Oh, I see. Yeah. I heard they're serving Thai food today. You're there. Oh, boy. Well, we'll see. We'll see what happens. Yeah. Don't believe everything you hear. So this is when it gets interesting. Please, it's about time. I know. I'm sorry. This will have

way through. We land. You know, we pack up after Huntsville, Alabama. It was great time, great audiences. And we wake up. this is the beauty of the bus. You wake up, eight hours. Howard New Orleans. You look outside as a jazz band plan and a little black kid, tap dancing, and Marty Graw Indian and people are throwing beads up your ass. And they go, we're doing the second line.

And you're like, okay, somebody throws you a high noon, you guzzle it, and we're walking down bourbon wow and it's for you guys it's for us wow for us by us yes Foubu and I was the New Orleans guy now because it's my hometown so I got the second line I told him where to eat I told him what what jokes to make and all this shit they got Sean pat and catering it wow catering yeah his parents no kidding they catered the wedding Sean patents parents jaded the wedding that was hard to say yeah, they own a catering company Sean patents parents catered the wedding That's difficult. There you go. It's a tongue twist say it fast Sean patents parents catered the wedding That wasn't that fast. Oh sorry Sean patents parents catered the wedding. That wasn't that fast. Oh, sorry. Sean Patton's parents catered the wedding.

Oh, that was good. All right. But yeah, it was great time. And so we have a good time, but here's the clinker. Clank it. So then the parents go, hey, you're in town. You're never in town. You gotta hang out with us.

And I go, well, that's a fully loaded fast. I've been drinking. I'm bleeding out of the ass I'm wearing a hat with two cups on the side and the thing the this straw straw thing and They're like well we got to get lunch and I'm like So I leave the party to sit in a restaurant quietly with my parents. Hmm slurp soup And they're just like, so, bought out. Yeah, it's hot.

What'd you guys do today? Well, we do the second line and you're like, God, I got FOMO, like you wouldn't believe. FOMO sexual, everybody's just having fun on a roof, you know, riding fences. And I'm sitting here with my dad and his pocket pocket protector Yeah, it's it's tough these parents tough, you know, I got a I got a child of my own coming And it's hard to imagine that at some point he's gonna be like oh this fucking idiot is calling me right now I know and I'm like bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bub bu Son, you know. Yeah, zip it up and zip it out. But the thing is you are interesting and fun. Thank you, I agree.

My parents, I guess you can say they're interesting, but they ain't fun. No. So I'm like, I'm leaving the funnest thing in America to go sit and talk about bullshit. And then my mom, we're like, we got three hours to kill for the show. So I was like, okay, we finished love. What do we do now?

I'm thinking like I'll go back, I'll shower. You guys, Dilly Dally, but they don't want to go back home. So they're like, well, let's go to the museum. So we have to go sit at the museum. The Southern food and beverage museum that my mom lives there museum. Wow. And you just sit there. That was a pool table. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's something. And you're just like, ah, and you know, great people, good to see them. But I'm like, well, it shows it's seven.

My, my, my look at there early. So you should show up and I just plopped in the green room and I still got a shower, I got a shave, I got a brush by teeth. And you just, you just have that anxiety because they're texting like, where's the bathroom? And I'm like, oh, I'm taking them around the back of an arena.

This is where the Pelicans play. How exciting do they get to see this stuff? And do they say, this is exciting, Mark? They go, are we in the way? Is this weird? I'm like, no, no, just sit here. And then it's so funny, because I'm telling everybody on the group chat,

I'm like, my parents are in the green room, you know, don't bother them. And they're like, we want to meet them up because they think my parents are like me. They think I'm there. They're quick and jizzin and saying the N word and then they go in the green room and it's Berks' wife like Leanne's like, hello, Mr. Norben. We love Mark. How the hell are you? We're very good.

Yeah. And then about you can just watch two minutes in, everybody's tiptoeing out backwards, like, all right, I tried. And I'm like, you see, welcome to my childhood. So why do you have them at the arena for? They wanna go. I mean, that's something, that's something.

That's something. Sweet, they wanna go. Very good. I guess today's crack junk, because your dad made a couple cracks at the wedding. He gave a speech and said, you know, Mark Bistens pants. He's a fag or whatever. He said, I can't remember. Yeah, he's trying. He'll zing me, which is fine.

Go ahead and zing me. That's his end. You know, like, hey, fuck him, right? Right. You don't hate this guy. I'm like, yeah, yeah. And then, but at one point, my mom, she's like, I don't really like comedy. And I'm like, shh, you know, and then she meets Bert. And she goes, I gotta tell you, there was no publicity for the show, horrible marketing and advertising.

And he's like, oh, sorry, you know, I'm like, Jesus lady, and then she goes, he goes, you wanna sit out and stand? She goes, now I'm good here, I have a book. And I'm like, yeah! A book, did you brought a book? Was it if these balls could talk? I don't wish.

That's the Louis Katz. What's the one called with a ball's drop? With a ball's drop. If these balls could talk, and Louis cats is album, great album, great title. That book's next. Or sucks. But yeah, it's just, you brought a book,

my dad's knitting, my dad's like reading the plaques, you know, the facts on the wall at the arena. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, he's a wall plaque guy. And, move, boy. So I'm like, here's catering, and you just have to babysit, you know, that's fun. Yeah, he's a he's a wall plaque guy and Move boy, so I'm like here's catering and you just you just have to babysit, you know and hold the hand and The green room is this fun playpillar to a jump and jacks back flips juggling shots, you know Smoke and weed and the green room is empty and quiet with my mom sitting there reading Hissie driver went out. It was gold. Oh god black psoriasis. I mean I couldn't face these folks He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience.

He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience.

He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. He's got a lot of people in the audience. But I don't know what they look like. He's got weird shoes. The bricks. They look like Forest Gump Shoes. You know, the one when the kids got a one off, but he's got two of them. They're like Frankenstein.

Yes, they look like Frankenstein. Yeah. Gump Shoes. So I put my dad out in the crowd because he wants to see it. So he comes back midway and he's like, how much longer? I'm like, you guys were in the come here. And then he's like, I don't get him.

I don't, I didn't get his thing. I don't think he was there. But he's talking about like a comic that's two feet away. And I'm like, shh. I've had this, I remember shooting my half-hour and you shoot with another comic. I remember my two uncles coming in and being like, that other dude blows.

And like, they don't realize we're sharing a green one. I know. Oh my god. I know, it's brutal. I'm like, they don't realize we're sharing a green. I know. Oh my God. I know it's brutal. I fucking do behind the couch. I was like, this is horrible. Yeah, horrible. And so then the beauty of it is

that the clinker is, Bert won't let him leave. My dad goes to bed at 8.30 every night. You know, he's a 75 year old man. And he's like, they stayed till the end of the show. It's 11 at night, whatever, 11.30. My dad's like, thank you, Bert. We're going. And he's like, they stayed till the end of the show. It's 11 at night, whatever, 11.30. My dad's like, thank you, Bert, we're going home. And he's like, you're not going anywhere.

And he gets my dad in the headlock. And my dad's like, I have a vertebrae issue or whatever. And I'm like, it's Bert, let him go. And it got ugly. Yeah, I couldn't handle that. But sweet people, I'm glad they got to see it. And Tiffety had his twerked on my dad.

And then Bert was so cool, because we do a big photo at the end, and they brought my parents up. And they got to get a photo up there. And then Tiffety twerked on my dad, and he, I think he came, because he was very excited. That must have been exciting for them though,

a thrill to hang out, they're on stage, just the real. I think so, you'd think they'd mention it. Yeah. But I hope they had a good time and we just kind of forced it on. I'm like, we're gonna make you do shit even though you don't give any feedback or reaction. All right. It's not nice. Yeah. So, but I'm just freaking out the whole time. Where I say, you're in New Orleans, you get to perform here. How cool is that?

I'm like, I can't enjoy it. I'm spashing out backstage. Right. Yeah. No, I just wouldn't even be able to kind of do that. I would just get tickets and be like, there you go, do what you want. Yeah, they wanted to come back there. And my mom doesn't even like stay up that much so she didn't want to go out there. Right.

Good times, but I'll tell you, I've never been more happy to be in Oklahoma. Cause you... Oklahoma's the next night. Oh, sorry, Memphis. We went to Memphis the next night. Oh, sorry, Memphis. We went to Memphis the next night. And Memphis was so cool and I went to sun studios. Oh, wow.

Super fun, worth a visit. Yeah, I've never been to Memphis. I'd like to go. That wouldn't say it's a great town. You got a Graceland? I've been before. That's pretty cool too, but that was further out. But we were in the arena and we were right by the red the red storm.

No. Man Indian red, red wings, red wings. Red wings. Red wings. That's the boots. What's the team is the minor league baseball. Oh, I don't know. Red birds. Oh Memphis Redbird. Yeah, that was the stadium outdoor. Really cool. They set it up nice and I walked to Sun Studios. I told everybody, hey, I'm here with fully loaded. We got free tickets. I gave all them free tickets. Wow. So Elvis's guitar, Elvis's microphone. They let you touch it. They touch my leg and they see the real studio where they they recorded Houndog and all the old shit BB King. Jerry Lewis. Yeah, all the pedophiles. Great time. Wow. So I get to Memphis.

Memphis, it's got some history. The barbecue's good. And that's the beauty of these tours. The shows are great. They threw Kelsey Cook on. She came to hang out with Chad. And she was great. Love the cook.

Good egg. And everybody's hanging out, drinking beers, fun time. And then Burke does the it's the little things he'll get the best delicacy of the city and that's dinner So you come in after the show and it's all spread out for you and Just a good time. It's it's very nice. That sounds fantastic Hey folks Tuesday's story is brought to you by Blue Choo! Woooo, I love that blue choo and you're already in the bedroom getting busy. It's not really the time to be wondering whether or not your junk is going to decide to work today!

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Hottest crowds in the in the country this it was really what was indoor and plus I say it a lot I don't want to sell insulting there, friendly city, big friendly, but when there's not a ton to do, they really come out and droves and they're happy to be there. Of course. I mean, they all the time you get messages, I mean, it's the same two people, but hey, you come to Oklahoma, what happened? We did that one gig, that casino, remember that lady?

We didn't do it together. I did it with Mackie, but you did it. Casino. It's in Oklahoma, it's in a casino. I thought we did do that together. We did a live Tuesdays, remember? What? Was that Oklahoma?

I don't think we did an Oklahoma live Tuesdays. We did a live one and we did stand up. And a couple. No, that was in Arizona. That was in Arizona. That was in the middle. That was in the middle. Not in pro. No, that was out there.

That was in the middle. That was in the desert. That was a casino. It was. Yes. That was in Arizona. That was like the day my grandmother died. Ah.

Yeah. I was really sad. You weren't helpful. But I didn't even know until now. No, I told you. No, no. We did the other door. Sarah was there and she had some friends. Yes. but I didn't even know until now. No, I told you. No, no, no. We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we. You fly to... Ah, yes. Fuck, remember as a lady that went in it? Yes.

Very nice. You fly to one state and you drive to the other state. Arkansas. Yeah, that was fun. It was a fun gig. I think you fly to Little Rock and... Anyways, it doesn't matter. It paid well too.

But anyways, yeah, people, they're starving because there's not much of a comedy club. There's a comedy club in O.K.C. Yeah, Bricktown. That's the name of the club? That's the name of the club and they're opening another one Great town and great great club too. Thunder. Yes Thunder struck But yeah great crowd and just when you're back indoors because you know you did the the red wings red vines red

Birds date red birds skin and you do the red skeleton and it's it's outdoors so it's fun But it's still outdoors and you get back in that okay see Thunderdome and it is a hot one baby and I got to say everybody killed I Popped a couple of shrooms at the end just because I didn't want to drink too much still did but Chad went up and he did some Comedy everybody in the back it the shrooms were kicking in. It was all just pure joy. I'm like, this is insane. We're doing gonna ruin it all, hit me.

You know, and you get misty and Bert's wife is watching and Chad is murdering, murdering, and an arena was like killer stuff. Heavy duty, great comedy, and we're all dying on the couch is watching. We're all like in awe like holy shit Where's this guy been? This is great and he lives in the middle of Minnesota and he's just killing it at the end He goes I want to thank Burton Leanne. This is such a special night. I got chills Leanne is watching the TV She starts crying wow it was incredible a

Magical night then they bring us all up at the end. The crowds, these crowds are so magical. They, they, they, they three hours in change and they're just still giving it to you. That's something, it sounds skankfest-esque. Yes. That like they could just go all day. That's what I'm confused by, because you see this like an hour and a half a show,

then a half hour break, another hour and a half. I'm like, how can they still be going? Yeah, they just love it. They love it, they love comedy. Anything you reference about, like, have Saguaro Blunt and they're like, ah, you know, they just, it makes you realize we're tapping into people.

We're in there, we're right in there. Fingers are in there, we're checking the prostrate. They're semening. Yes, semening. That's a good word. I like it. Oh, wow. Yeah, Chad is.

Top 10 comic, maybe top five. I mean, he's a killer. I know. And he lives in. I like it. Wow. Yeah. Chad is. Top 10 comic, maybe top five. I mean, he's a killer. I know. And he lives in the middle of it. He's like one of those movies like, oh, you know, when the guy, the army guy retires, and they're like, no, he lives in the cabin in the woods. He hates people, and they're like, but we need him.

Tell him up, and that's Chad. Yeah, he's one of the best. And it really gives you hope. He's just like raising a son and a daughter in the middle of the lake. Exactly. And he goes in the road, he comes back. Yeah, yeah, so go check out the Chad D, man. He's a killer and then Bert went up, Bert killed.

Bert's impressive because stuff that would happen that day, he would just go out and talk about it and murder with it. Really? Oh, wow, you're like a real pro. And I was blown away too. That Bert does like an hour at the end of the show. Oh, yeah, full hour. I just assumed you see the tour, you see the lineup,

you think, oh, that's a smart move. You bring like 10 great comics, then you only got to do 20 at the end. Exactly. But he does a full hour. Full hour, he doesn't have to, but he does it, and they want every minute of it. That's insane.

There. That is really two and a half hours. Oh, pal, pal. They're eating right out of his belly button and then that's a party after and then They set up water burger. I had a milkshake. I'm on trums. It was just a beautiful night Wow, and then you wake up at five BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B B B B B B B B And yeah, you head downstairs and get on a plane. Woo, and you're home for two days. Two days and it's off to chick a P mass. Yeah, he's driving.

Yeah, I need an opener. Who's a good, what's the Sullivan guy? Sean Sullivan, one of the best. He might be working. I'm sure he would do it. Can I get his info? Yeah, I'll send it to remind me after the best. He might be working. I'm sure you would do it. Can I get his info? Yeah. I'll send it to remind me after the show. Yeah. Sullivan rules. He's great. Who else is up there? Well, Western Mass is a night you could drive with someone straight up. You get a New York person maybe. He's on the car. That's not bad. That's okay. Yeah, you got, you know, Steve

Rogers, Andrew Shivone. You know, he just hit me up and told me that a car is Oscar. The gay Oscar. Yeah. Oh, that's not bad. How far is that from bean town? I think about two and a half hours. Oh, that's heavy. That's heavy.

Yeah, it's out there. Okay. I think it's Sean Sullivan, my equipment, Dan Bulger. Yeah, yeah, Bulger was busy. Uh-huh. All right, but I'll figure it out. Yeah, let me know. It's a, it should be a hot room.

We'll see how it goes. That's exciting, but I have the same thing. I've been gone for a week on vacation. I'm home for two and a half days, and then just going for two weeks. Yeah, well, hit me. Where the hell you been? You saw the fam, you saw the kids.

What's going on? Yeah, you know the fam. You know how it goes. We made a film about it, and then we just went ahead and recreated it up It was the whole it was the scene for the movie. I lost it. I was like fuck you mother fuckers five flipped a table It was it was crazy they're drinking. Yeah. Yeah, it was really something. I mean It's not even worth telling so go watch the film

Fourth of July movie dot com or Louis CK dot, whatever it is. 96 on Rotten Tomatoes with the audience. Yeah, the audience liked it. Oh yeah. Critics didn't care for it. They probably didn't get it. Nah, right over their head. That kind of humor. We're not really our kind of humor.

But yeah, it was a crazy week and a half. I had, well, first my niece is going to Pace University, which is very exciting. And I'd never went to college. It's so exciting to go to a campus. Oh, you just want to get a campus. Well, fuck everybody, you know. Yes, hot kids.

And yeah, so she's going to Pace. So she came down with my sister and my brother-in-law and my nephew, and it's exciting, because I never have visitors. My mother's afraid of bridges, so she won't come to New York. True story. Having a child, she won't come.

She doesn't like bridges. Really, is that what she calls blacks? That's not a bad term. No, it's not bad. Yeah, they got a couple suspension bridges in that neighborhood. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Woo, burden bridges.

So no one comes to visit, my family, they just don't come. That's what she said. I can't stop doing that, that's what she said. I got two 15 year old cousins in an nephew, and they're obsessed with that's what she said. I can't stop doing that's what she said. I got two 15 year old cousins in an nephew, and they're obsessed with that's what she said. It sucks that got ruined by all the nerds out there, because it's a good thing. It's fun, and then I told them,

I was like, you guys do it too much. You limited to three a day. That was like a scene from the office. I started setting them up. I was like, look at the way the salty white liquids smashes all over the place. And they're laughing and giggling, you know, it was fun. And the problem is, some people get greedy with it

when they're doing stuff and it doesn't make sense. You're like, oh, this table is wobbly. That's what she said. You're like, ah, that one doesn't really connect. Well, it was fun too, because I kept setting them up. I would say, you know, I love watching it burst all over my chest, and they would go, it's no good when you try to force it.

And then I would go, that's what she said. Hey. So it was fun. You zing, do you be ping ponged it? I set them up, they refuse, and then I get one. And of course they crack on that. It's fun. You think of toddlers as being so fun, and they are.

And annoying. They're dumb. But then you get a old, you get a teenager. And my nephew and I, we're doing pushups together we're doing pushups together, we're playing pickleball, we're playing tennis, and I'm still an age or I beat him in everything, which is fun. That's nice. Yeah, it's exciting.

So we had to beat a kid. Tennis courts and pickleball, and we went from one to the other, it was quite exciting. And, but anyways, they came down to New York, and that was fun. You don't realize how meaningful it is, this one's gonna say is, nobody ever visits me.

My family does not come here. Sure. Ever. For 17 years, I live 200 miles away. They don't come. My parents came when my appendix exploded and when I did Letterman. Wow, those are weird times.

Yeah, that's over 17 years. Wow, but do you want them to even show up? That's the twist is like, hey, they won't show up, but if they did did you'd be miserable Yeah, I think in your mind you want him you want a different verb you want them to come and be like where do you live take us to the comedy seller we are this is like you would I would be ideal yeah many people have right they say what about this comedy seller they don't I don't even know if they know about the car take us to the stand where you work in how exciting let's go there this is a bodega. It's open all night. You just walk over here.

Right. Where do you do your laundry? You know, you want your, you'd like to think that be really invested. Yeah. But interested. And as you get older, especially when you're successful and you have a house and a wife,

you hope that people will be like, wow. Yeah, you know what's funny is a lot of our friends have kids and they're like, man, having kids is tough because they don't care about anything. You go, look at this movie. I love this movie. They go, ah, look at this thing and they go, ah, your parents are like that.

You're the adult near the kid. Yes. They don't care about anything you're doing. It's tough. So, but anyway, so it was exciting to have my sister and her kids come and you know, you take them around. I take my nephew across the Brooklyn bridge And I'm like this is exciting, but you know, I don't know how he's more into sports

I'm like he would have been better off go into a basketball court and playing yeah, yeah, but That was that was fun. Let me say oh, we went I took him to the Metz game, which is exciting for them They've never been to a ballpark that is in Fenway, which is a better ballpark, but it's 127 years old. Sure. Whatever it is, 11 years old, I guess. But like Biden. Yeah, so they've never been to a ballpark, so I said, let's go to the Metz game. We take the seven train out there.

I buy tickets. It's very exciting. And then there's a group of little kids in front of us. And the kids got on the big screen. And then the kids all went to uh... go to the bathroom or whatever so then the i guess the camera was just like well just keep the camera here

so i got i i started dancing i got on the big screen was very exciting and what was fun is i had just been talking about how on the big screen i got recognized by a few two's kids to which is fun but i was just talking about all the amateurs on the big screen. As soon as they're on the screen, they leave focus on the camera, and they look at themselves. They want to see themselves on the big screen.

Of course, of course. And it takes a real discipline to stay at the camera, so because it maximizes how fun it is to watch. Yes, yes. Because if you're watching the big screen, you see someone all of a sudden they're on the camera, and they go, oh, hey, and now they're not performing for the camera anymore. Yes, yes, because if you're watching the big screen, you see someone all of a sudden they're on the camera, they go, oh, hey, and now they're not performing for the camera anymore.

Yes, yes. But I'm an old veteran in the screen actors guild. Oh, yeah. So I just locked right in the, where's my close up? I locked right in the camera and I gave him this. Oh, I did one of these and really stayed right on there. Very exciting. Wow. Yeah, it was fun and you know Everyone else is looking because they want to see but you got you got to sacrifice seeing yourself Yeah, yeah for the performance good man. You're an artist. I care integrity There's some there's an art to swiveling your hips on the big screen at the city field folks Of course now I wonder if they're gonna make that in a sports center like hey some special needs kid is

Torking in the in the Met stadium. Well I didn't have a met shirt which is also very difficult to get on the big screen when you're not sporting the gear. Sure they like the gear. Or they want you know exactly an actual special needs or a boy or whatever but I nailed it. So then the group of kids comes back there's like seven of them and a couple parents there and they go we saw you on the big screen we saw it we recognized you and they go, we saw you on the big screen, we saw you, we recognized you, and that's exciting, we gotta get back on there, I said, well, we'll get you on.

And so then, it becomes the mission of my family to get these kids on the big screen. Oh yeah. And then I got the camera ready, because I'm like, we can do it. So we were dancing and twerking and doing the crazies. They get on the big screen, I snap a couple photos, nail the photo of them.

Whoa! Which is not how I'm doing service, you know. Well, I mean, do these kids sit back and go, how about this uncle? Yeah, well this isn't my kids, these are random kids. Even weirder. I'm taking photos of random kids. Wow.

But because they're so focused now on getting on the big screen and seeing themselves. So then they all go crazy. We did it. They're high five and the smushin' whatever. Smashed. What do you, high five? High five and that's it, I guess. Yeah, dappin'.

Dappin', I think it's dapping. Can we get that framed up? I want to see that photo. I want that right here. Wow, it's not the best photo ever. Okay, but it's a photo. And then I said to the lady, which is a little creepy. I mean, we had some rapport because she was like, we saw you saw you and I said we'll get you guys on the big screen and then I go

Hey turn on your Air drop I'll get you this photo and she goes oh my god That would be amazing so she does the allow anybody for 10 minutes. Oh no here come this warm of cock Well, you want it. I mean I got her the the photo, and she was like, thanks so much. I mean, it's funny, because now the kids just, kids don't know anything. They just think we're friends now. Right.

Because I'm talking to their mother. The kids like, let me see the photo. He's like, look at it like this. He's like, oh nice. Just fun. Kids are fun. So I air dropped the lady the photo, and then they leave, because like,

they hit their goal. It's the seventh inning to like, all right, we're out of here. Thanks again. And I realized I got eight minutes still in the clock. uh-huh, to air dropper. And I got 48 photos of dumps of taken that are 35 inches long. Oh, no, the the photo dump. Yeah. So, yeah, you know, you think about it. You can't know, but she doesn't know who I am. Yeah. It just comes up as what says Joseph's iPhone. But I could have hit her not to mention,

I got just a gross of Sarah's tits, which are not gross. I'm gonna open my air drop. And so I was like, I could air drop her tits and a dump and, you know, whatever, but I decided not to, a good boy. Can I say this one nice thing about being a lady is if you sent a bunch of dick picks on accident, you

get in trouble. Like somebody's like, this is a salt. I'm getting these dick picks. I didn't ask for this. But if you sent out tits on accident, nobody would be mad. Nobody would go, this is a salt, this is sexual abuse or whatever, they would just go out tits. But pussy lips, you might. Maybe or whatever, they would just go out tits. But pussy lips, you might,

because that's a more equivalent. But who's gonna complain? Because the woman's not gonna complain because she's like, well, I have that. But a guy's gonna go, I've got some free lips. She might, we could test this. I mean, we start air-dropping, like, really, like, in a pussy, like a spread lip.

Oh, a spread, yeah, that's no good. The fungus, the dispatch, not dispatch. What's it called discharge? Yeah, compact discharge you know there's some this some yucky pussy's out there. Oh Don't I know it? But I see your point. Yeah, a cock is much more offensive than a buzz. Yeah, there's some about a guy It's like a weapon you're like yeah Coming off the screen plus it's covered in warts and scars. Yeah, depending on the outbreak. But, but anyway, so that was fun. But then I had

three days of family time, family ties, and then they leave, but we leave the same night to go to Maine. It just coincides with the family vacation. Right. So now that's 10 days of family, which is a lot of days of vacation. Yes. Maybe too many. So we drive up to Maine. We stop off in Newberry Port, mass, great, sarinite, and then families up ahead of us. And then we stop in Newberry Port, drive through the night, wake up, have a nice morning there, beautiful town, if you're ever up on the,

the North Shore of Massachusetts. And then we drive up to Booth Bay, how about Booth Bay? As every year for 35 years now, whatever. And rent the house, the family's challenging, you know how it is. Sure. And this is this 27 of us, everyone's boozing, the whole thing. Wow, a lot of, a lot of fun, though. You know, a lot of good time.

Uncle Dale is down the street and I got cousins who were fun and we're playing Cornhole and Pickleball and it's raining the first couple days we make do. We had a big house in the wraparound porch. We played Cornhole underneath the roof so it's like that rainy day Cornhole. I'm DJ and I'm blasting tunes, and we're down in the point, although it's a point, which is spectacular, the most beautiful place I've ever been. Wow.

And all the neighbors are nice. They're like, you feel like part of a community, everyone's walking by. Hey, how do you do? That's nice. Then I hook up the, I got the fart noises from my niece and nephew of the little ones. They love it.

I hooked that up to the Bluetooth, so we start doing a gag, every time someone walks by, I got my uncle going like this, oh, don't feel good and I blast him with a And it's gold never never get never to not funny. It's gold and some of the people get offended They get really like and some of our laughing. It's a good time. That's that's the tits Yeah, you hit them with a real Bluetooth fart. That's fun. Love it. Get that base up to Yeah, hit him with a real Bluetooth fart. That's fun. Love it.

Get that bass up too. I mean, it was great. The kids, it's gold and the look, every time the kids ran by, I would be like, he's in the lead. You got to catch him. Okay, here comes Red Shirt, Blue Shirt. And they really respond.

They start sprinting up the street. Man, Kudos to you, Fadi. Cause that's, you say 10 days? Well, seven days up there, but three days with the, yeah. I gotta tell you, if I was there, my family, your family, my dad's gay, I would be drinking heavily just to get through that. That's a long day and night. It's a lot. The fact you do that sobriety is a feat.

Well, and they're drinking heavily, but I got Sarah and the children, which is fun, something a band, or a cult. But that's so then, one of the days, it's a little overcast, whatever, but I gotta get in the ocean. You gotta do it. It heals. Yes, it heals.

I love the ocean, it heals, warts, emotional. If you're feeling down, get yourself in the ocean, anybody of water, but the ocean particularly. Snatures bath. It's really tremendous, but the ocean particularly. Nature's bath. It's really tremendous, but the water's about 37 degrees up there. I like it, I like the cold water. And so I grab my nephew, I go, let's go swim.

Sarah and I are playing in my nephew, are playing pickleball, which was fun, because it was Sarah and my nephew, they're 15, and he, she's pregnant versus me, two on one, two V one. Ah, dominated. Yeah, figure. Fucking dominated. Well, she's playing versus me two on one, two V1. Ah. Dominated. Yeah, figure. Fucking dominated. Well, she's playing for six or whatever.

Yeah, I'm smashing him right at the baby. I don't give a shit. Yeah, I need to learn some time. Yeah, first game was like 15-8, second game, 15-2. Let him fucking have it. Yeah, welcome to Reality Cunts. Yeah, so that was fun. And then I played my nephew one time.

He was up six nothing I came back and beat him. He was a four-nothing came back beat him. Yeah, come on get out of here. Well, you let him have a little moment to son and then you really give him the business. Give him the business. Then we played two on two hoop. Me and my nephew who scored like 25 in a high school

game, he's legit. He played with my cousin versus me and Uncle Dale. Our combined age 86, Uncle Dale's four foot four. Sure. He wins a size three shoe. Yeah, he's a football player, he's a fireman. He can't play basketball. We tune them up too.

But don't think I think I'm gonna hoop at the station, I assume. Yeah, but that's just to throw gizz at. I don't know, they play a little bit, I think. But she said, but anyways, we just dominated, you know, it's good to be in your 40s because you can still beat children to death. Yes, heard them, but a beaten on them. But any gizz, so then we go down to,

I say, we play pickleball for about an hour. I'm pouring sweat, 85 degrees. I go, let's go jump in the ocean, Sarah didn't bring a bathing suit. She's pregnant by far this gay. So she brings the book, my nephew and I, we go swimming, it's 50 degrees, we swim around, come off, we get up to the ramp where all our clothes are

and he's like, I keep on my glasses. And I'm like, hmm, they might be at the bottom of the ocean. Guarantee they go. He's like, I think I might have worn my glasses into the ocean. I'm like, you didn't notice them fly off your face. He's like, maybe I didn't have them, but I had them at pickleball, yada yada. And then you feel back, because he feels terrible.

He's lost his glasses. They're $100, more B Parker. He can't see anything. We're like, well, maybe they're at the house. So we walk back to the house, tear the house apart. They're not there. Feels like a piece of shit, and you just feel terrible, and I go,

well, let's go down there and look for them in the ocean. Yeah, look at them, they're some jellyfish right now, reading the Wall Street Journal. And old Uncle Dale, he's got a couple scuba masks with the thing and the big cock off the top. Ah, the snorkel. Snorkel, that's what I meant. And so we go, let's go look for them.

So we go down there, and the tide has gone out 25 feet. You're sitting there You're like we're never gonna find glasses. We look at it. It's I'm asking people I'm like have you seen glasses they're like glasses get out of here my father's gay See a puffer fish with a couple of readers You know what's funny my uncle saw our puffer fish why are you like that? I like it a lot So we go all right well, we're not gonna find the glasses. You're gonna have to feel shame. Everyone's mad.

We gotta get new glasses. The Uncle Dale goes, if there are anywhere that be in this seaweed right here, we're like, yeah, that's crazy. They're not in the seaweed. So, you know, we only have two masks. And I don't have my glasses on because I'm in the ocean.

I don't wanna lose them like him. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, just, I got no mask. I'm doing this. Get outta here. They're floating around doing. So I'm like, just, I got no mask, I'm doing this. Get out of here. They're floating around doing this. I'm like, all right. And then you just hear,

shh. I got him! Wow. My nephew comes up and he found him, which is so exciting. Wow. He's got the glit. It was like, you know, evil dad or whatever. He pops out of the water, glass is first.

And it becomes, it's all worth it Yeah, the glasses just to find them. I went crazy. I went yeah the odds of that are insane. It's the ocean the ocean Jerry and everyone goes Yeah, they're like clapping and everything and we all came together and it was like the world series I'm like Rocky one wow one of the odds it would that be fun if you put him on he's like not mine So what else is well he comes back? they're all they're salty up and he comes back and they're a little beat up but everyone so and everyone had all the doubt they're all sitting there going he always loses his glasses this

piece of shit and he comes back with the glasses we snog it's worth you want to just throw your car keys in the ocean just to try to find them just to find I went to Gulf shores not bragging as a college kid me my girlfriend went. We fucked in the ocean. It's very salty. It wasn't good. But whatever I swam with my ID in my credit card in my pocket.

Hmm. I come back. Oh, the credit card's there. But the ID's gone. It was in my bathing suit pocket. I go, I got to get a new ID. Fuck two weeks later, letter in the mail. I was on the beach.

Saw this. Wow. Good Samaritan. Here's your ID. Well, that's what's nice about the mail. I was on the beach. Saw this. Wow. Good Samaritan. Here's your ID. Well, that's what's nice about the the tide. It goes out and you're like and the seaweed catches it. Yeah. Well, now we can that's what I was saying to them. I was like, we could just come back in an hour. Right. And possibly the tide also give it and take it the way it could take the glasses with it. Good detergent. But you hope they just get on the ground and it did

and all's well that ends anal. There you go, folks. And so then... Not good for the dead body disposal. What's that? Well, the time brings it back. It's time to back and now we got a crime scene. Exactly.

Well then, so then Saturday morning, there's a big road, we get there Saturday, whatever, the first, and we're staying till Saturday the eighth. Sure. The eighth I am. And we get there Saturday and the lady says, well, it was big road race, next Saturday. Well, I'm leaving Saturday, but maybe I'll run the road race.

What's the road race? A road race. But like, NASCAR? No, you're run. Oh, you run a road race. Oh, okay. Like a 5K, you never heard of a road run. Oh, you run a road race. Oh, okay. Look at 5K, you never heard of a road race? I never called a road race.

Oh, that's what's called. Really? You heard road race? You heard the road. You heard the road. Rage, road rage. Mm-hmm. Never road red dogs is a race.

Yeah, that's a race, but it's on the road. I see. You run up the street. Oh, okay. Road race. Got it. Road runner. No, no, you know. Okay. Master race. Got it. Road runner. No, no, you know.

Okay. Master race. Oh, you got that right. I have to race good. Uh, what was I saying? Road race. Road race. So I go, oh, okay, I'll run the road race 5K.

And I go, that's a nice way to leave. You wake up towards 8.30 AM. There's a kid's fun run, one mile at 8 AM. Oh, I like that. And I go, man, well, they're always running for me.m. There's a kid's fun run, one mile at 8 a.m. Ooh, I like that. And I go, man, well, they're always running for me. So I go, I'm gonna run this road, right? So, you know, you have the whole week and there's some drama towards the end,

it doesn't matter, yada yada, watch the film. And then Saturday morning, I wake up and I'm like, here we go, and I'm trying to convince everyone of my family to run. I'm like, come on, somebody run it with me because you just want to be part of a community, you know? Sure. Like, let's be fun. We're always so secular. This is a

variety that you're playing pickleball, cornhole, road race, swimming. This is the healthiest trip ever. I like to be athletic, you know? So I'm like, come on, it's somebody running Sarah Woodrunbich. She's got a cold and she's pregnant and she hates me. Sure. So I'm asking everybody, no one's in. So I go, well, whatever, I'm just running it myself. Get to the start line. Sarah comes over. She feels like shit, which is a bummer. But so we're sitting there.

There's about 95 people running the race. And you just feel that community, they want to sing the national anthem before, no, they're playing the national anthem beforehand. Because it's like, you know, 4th of July. And they're like, oh, the phone isn't working. The DJ was supposed to play it originally, but he disappeared, which was weird. And then we'll just play on the phone into the bullhorn.

Yeah. Not working. And they go, all right, well, we'll just figure it out. We want to do it. And then some little kid just starts singing. She just goes, oh, say, and everybody joined in. Wow. The whole town. Who's this kid? and everybody joined in. Wow. The whole town.

Who's this kid? I don't know, somebody. The whole town joins in. We all sang in it. And if it's one of those things that we, like, we're comedians, so like, I'm laughing. I'm like, this is so stupid. I'm going like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

And I look around, everyone's like very serious. Oh, yeah, hat on the heart, never mind. Yeah, and they're like trying to, so Sarah and I, I'm like, as a million jokes I just want to make. Cause I'm gonna cry out. I'm like, this is stupid, the sun stinks. But you know, you try to be earnest. It was actually quite sweet.

Ernest goes to camp. And also before there was a high school kid, I kept seeing run around the point the whole week. And then he was shown up to the race. And the house we went to was right on the finish line. So I'm on the little porch and he was walking by, I was serious, I was like, this guy's winning, I know this guy, I've been watching you all week,

you're gonna win and he was a cool kid, he just pointed like this. No humility, it's just real serious, but I was like, I like this kid. Fast forward to after the race, I finish, I see that kid, I go, do you win? He goes, oh, that kid killed himself. And turned out, he lost by seven seconds finish I see that can I go do you win he goes oh I can't kill themselves and turned out he lost by seven seconds to like a man it's like a

25-year-old guy wow but you can see he was devastated he thought he was gonna win he didn't win life lesson I hope he dies yeah second fatty but so this is the this is the funny it's part to me I had to add ish because people email me and be like no it's not, you suck. Right. So, it won't happen again. Yeah. The finish line literally ends in like,

at in front of our house, that we rented. It's our last day there. Now, you know my mother, she's a neat, freak, cleanly, not- Oh, that was not a speck. Not nothing out of order, no spec. Not easy way to grow up. She's on the floor with a toothbrush, like,

bubblegum, just brushing it. Shrimps can't be, shrimp salad, shrimp sandwich, shrimp gumbo, shrimp bait, too fey. She's cleaning up, she's kicking us out. She's like, get out of here. Don't open a fucking thing. Don't open your shoes. Get your shoes out of here.

Don't think you're eating breakfast here. You piece of shit. Put the order not, leave the house. Everyone's standing outside, like with luggage and like Ajax on their forehead and no bridges. And so then I finished the race. Good race. Ranwell feel a proud of myself. Very hilly course out there. It was brutal. Jonah Hilly finished the the race. Then this happened really doesn't matter the order. The little kids fun run, first of all,

that had this house before us. It's a mile run, all the kids, they don't know how to run. They just take off sprinting. They're like seven years old. It's a mile. They can, they're zig and zag and sprinting. So then they disappear. You don't see them, the finish lines in front of our house.

This eight year old kid, bright red hair, Celtic jersey, straight out of central casting. He runs, he comes in second place, hobbles, literally falls like Jim Morrison. He staggers and falls onto our front lawn, goes, whew, whew, blah, projectile vamits all over the yard. My mother is spraying down windows and cobwebs, painting, cleaning, and an eight-year-old red-headed Irish kid with blonde eyelashes just vomits all over the yard. He's eating nothing but sweet tarts and Coca-Cola.

I mean, just white, foamy, the yellow streaks puke, and it looks like we just trashed the place. And then everyone's got their cups because it's literally the finish line. So everyone finishes their race and falls on our yard They got the paper cups. They wrinkled them and throw out this body is everywhere one point a guy walked into our house I swear to God. He's got the little race bib on he just opens the door walks in I go hey partner and he goes oh Whoa is this your house? Yeah, I'm so so he's like I don't know my way around here I was like you're looking for that building down there. He's in my home.'s got muddy shoes. Oh, you're mom really taste him. I mean it was wild

But this puke all over and I was like you got to leave a note saying hey the race came through. Yeah Yada yada jibbly jizz Wow, that's my story, but it was really fun. You run the race But the thing I didn't factor in is it's like a nine hour ride home So I ran a 5k uphill and then just got in the cards that for seven hours So I got out at McDonald's and just the legs are stiff Yeah, my ass smells like an armpit my arms mitt smells like an ass. Yeah, but what a what a trip And it's fun to be at the finish line you get the best view. Yeah, who's I mean

We were sitting on our porch with a cup of tea watching the kids run in and then my family, you know They were there they were root me on, and that was exciting, and clapping, and all that, and all that, and my father, you know, he doesn't give you a show, a ton of affection, but he walked over, he was like 2440, he went over and looked at the time for me, and I said, hey, thanks.

How do you like that? All right, Steve. So that was nice. Oh, geez, we gotta wrap it up. All right, well Alright well hey what's does that mean? Yeah. The only one syllable state. There you go toothpicks. More coastline than Argentina. They say that. Yeah. I don't know. Stephen King. Yep. Stephen King, Leah Bonema. Emma Wilman. Alright. Francis Ellis.

Oh, that's about it. And, uh, probably, you know what's crazy? I did a podcast in Brooklyn, deep, deep Brooklyn. Beautiful, a Brighton Beach. Oh yeah. I have a thing where I pass by a high school and I like to Google the alumni. Yeah, me too.

Do you do that? Yeah. Notable people. Brighton Beach High School. Google the alumni. Yeah, me too. Do you do that? Yeah, notable people. Brighton Beach High School, notable alumni, seven major league baseball pitchers. No kidding. In a row, I was like, what is going on at the school? Is there a great baseball factory going on over there? What the hell is this?

Wow. Yeah, this is fun fact. Probably a lot of them are like the 40s and 50s. Yeah. Back in the day, you got to figure like 40% of the country was living in New York City. That's true. It's like, you know, all the Italian kids say, you know, Ralph Branko or something. They must have had a great coach or something because they were pumping out the pitch.

Wow. Yeah, yeah, everyone that's old in baseball, you see, they're from New York, the old gang. All Brooklyn, yeah. Yogi Berra and all those guys. Mm-hmm. But all right, yeah, good stuff. What do you got cooking? We got to check out that live episode.

And also, if you're not on the YouTube, you're missing this guy popping lockin' over here on the big screen. You gotta see the visuals, folks. Yeah, lots of stuff. Get on the YouTube. I got some huge dates coming out. Well, your special comes out today.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Suit to special comes out today. Oh yeah, Netflix. Suit to not. Is it today? Today, this is it, you called it. Wow. Good catch, really. Yeah. Well I just did the intro for the other episodes.

We had to look it up. Make sure you watch that, watch it today. And I said before, don't just watch it. Share it. Yes. Telefresh. Yes. Spread the word, put it on Twitter.

Yes. Put it on Reddit, put it on Reddit, put it on the thing that Zuckerberg invented. Meta, threads, sure. What is threads? All right, fatter threads. Put it everywhere, like in my calendar, just exploded in my ass. That's because you're busy.

Put it everywhere, spread the word. I got one coming in August 18. There'll be probably 10 PM Eastern on YouTube, 7 PM Pacific. If you watch it live as it comes up being that chat that helps the Algo. Oh yeah. Um, this weekend, I'm in the Cayman Islands, but next weekend. What? Oh yeah. What are you next con? Two family vacations in the same month. Main with my family came in with her family. Oh, he came in me. Hers is a little easier. August 3rd to the 5th Providence Comedy

Connection. August 10th to the 12th. Portland, helium. August 24th to the 26th Dallas improv. August 22nd, live Tuesdays in Philadelphia with the old Marcus there. And then of course Chicago Zanes, one night only, that will sell out because it seats 80 people. That's September 6th in between Pearl Jam shows, Cobb, September 8th and 9th. Nice. Nashville, Huntsville, Alabama, one night only, September 20th. Nashville, Zanius, September 21st, the 23rd,

live Tuesdays of the Grammar C, September 19th. Helium Philly, October 5th through the 7th, Royal Oak, October 9th, and the 21st. And after that, my fucking life is over because I have a child now which is insane and go subscribe to the YouTube and mindful metal jacket is back now currently I think Karen Fian episode came out this week or last week that's a spicy meatball kind of want to watch that one. Luke Monas, a bunch of other people, maybe I'll get you on there sometime.

Hey, I'd love to do it. We'll really dissect your asshole. It'll just turn into a twosgate. We'll go right into jizz. But, um, yeah, so a lot of good stuff. August 18th, new special. Please watch this. My last chance to make it.

This is the one folks. Yes, I was at the live and it's a killer one. I'll be at Phantom Power in PA. I think Lancaster PA doing all these fun wacky gigs. Come on out, say hello. Then I'm at the Raccoon Motel in Davenport. I will. Yeah, I told my agent, like give me some wacky ones

because I need to run some new material because once a special comes out, I gotta start cooking. Then I'm going to LA, Milwaukee, Big Theater tour, called you don't say it's all on markdormiccomity.com, get on the Patreon, hit the website, get a mug, get a shirt, I don't know where the money goes. Help us with the YouTube monetizing.

And think that'll do it. What do you got? Sea dog. Check out my podcast, Fun Barrable. I think for this week we'll have Alan Fitzgerald on, who is a comic I just directed as special. Super funny, it's called Straight for Pay on YouTube. And we're talking about it. funny. It's called straight for pay on YouTube and

Yeah At fun bearable pod or fun bearable pod dot com for all this stuff He ha! Thank you folks, we'll see you in hell for a little while you try