Tuesdays with Stories! - #515 Walker Texas Ranger

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

It's a classic Normand fiasco on this week baby! This guy is running across the country like a chicken with his head cut off. Missed alarms, lost wallets, electric vehicles, moving recliners - this story's got EVERYTHING! THEN Joe heads to Vegas to do a clean set at a dentist corporate! It's Tuesday!Our Stuff:- patreon.com/tuesdaysSponsors:- This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS & get on yourway to being your best self - Support the show & save 15% on Raycons athttps://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose a song for you. Here we go. Ah! Ready? We're rolling. Sorry. Oh, geez, sorry.

Hey, when people clear the throat on the mic and I'm doing it. Ah! Why don't I mind a throat clear? I like a throat clear. Okay, it depends on what kind of throat clear we're talking Uh-huh. Is it like a yeah, or is it like a Get the hell out of here with the Hawking a lot of hockey, but I gotta tell you I love hockey and Go Bruins. I've been as a reflux guy. If you show if I have a couple pieces of chocolate and a Chipotle and a tea, I could be quite the hawker. Yeah, yeah, hawker.

But I try to, you know, inhawk me. I try to, who's inhawk me again? No, I remember. See a mayor? Can you look at Ben Hawke? Catch. Which sounds like a hawk. Vote for the Cuomo, not the homo.

There you go. My favorite. That was in the subways. Isn't that crazy? Wow. It wasn't like they spray painted it. That was like an actual ad. That was a better time.

Vote for Cuomo, not the homo. That was New York. It was New York. Yeah, back in the day, you could really call someone a homo. Yes, good times. I mean, I still do it, but I don't print it. I think that Hockney's somebody. I think that's somebody.

Hockney. David Hockney. Who's that? He says he's an English painter, draftsman, print maker, stage designer, photographer. That's not who I was making. That's not who I was referencing.

Ed Hock. Ed Hock. Ed Hock. Isn't he somebody? Ed Hock. Ed Hock. Ed Hominum. Uh.

Ed Nazium. Hock. He's a player, Ed H at hominem Nozium hot player at Hawk at a hot maybe maybe at Hawk what years are we talking Born in 1899 so long. Well, I don't know. I got a small back. I saw him pitch back then. All right Okay, and Hockney Ed picnic is a basketball player for the Celtics, I think. Big pick. Ed because there was one guy debating who had a stutter and then another guy debating who had a cough. So he was like, well, the thing about robot is that, you gotta, yeah. And it was a tough listen, but hey, we've been here post-COVID where we were both coughing.

So. That's true, nailing the coffin, but I do think that did you hear the news, a Japanese porn star choked a death on semen? I thought of you immediately. GOOGOO! Yeah. Who must? You know, you want to do that, right?

I don't want to choke on semen. Oh, who's that? Who's that thinking about? You want gizz on your back? Oh, yeah. Well, I'm kind of over that. You know, I'm going to be a father soon, but I'm interested still Yeah, if you get just your back and I'm gonna have a kid it's this it does feels fun

I mean, I'm just jealous that these women get to feel a load shoot on the back of the throat a satisfaction Yes, and it's warm warm on the back is nice to just be rewarded is so nice because I finger my wife to the cows come on I get as a couple moves right I don't get a On the face that would be another nice utter madness Give me that shot a cow milk. This milk me up milk jugs Yeah, but the come of the back. I'm getting a little old for that, you know, okay? Okay, well she garbled the dead talk about Hock and she could have used the Hock.

I guess I could see that. Jesus thick, you dehydrated. Yes. And you gotta keep the mouth open, you know, because it's all these businessmen around you. And they're just dropping loads, so you're eventually gonna gag. I guess it's like waterboarding, it's comeboarding. Ooh, that's what we should have been doing. Next war with this sequence, let's do some

comeboarding. And when's that gonna come to the X games? Little comeboarding. You're out there shooting on the half-pipe. But anyways, half-gay half-pipe. Let me, because I know you got the big epic that we tease. Yes, epic. I'm excited about the ozepic. But I did lead you to Skanks. It was pretty fun. Oh, all right. Yeah good good. Okay. I mean, it's a little dice I mean, I think our show is dicey that show Forget about it. I mean another level. I mean, you just stand there being like well, this is it. I can't ever have an acting role Family I didn't have to abort my child. I can't show up to school with this footage. Oh no, PTA's out.

Yeah, and the funny thing is like, I'll read the comments sometimes. They're like, Norman's dude quiet on that one. I'm like, you did right, I did. I'm trying to keep it moving out here. I know, I know they love that. Lewis is like, you're a pussy. I'm like, I don't want you want me to do.

I'm like, I just, I can't double down on like, boop, you know. Yeah, you're figuring a black child while saying the N word. I don't want you want me to do I'm like I just I can't double down on like You know, yeah, you're figuring a black child while saying the N word. I don't know this isn't good good for anybody But it was a fun episode, but anyways, let me shove this nugget right in your ass as I think it might make you come All right, well, let's hope I need a I need to blow a load so I've had it three mornings in a row, I had morning sex. How about that? Three for three. With the prag? Yeah.

No, with the fucking the neighbor. Run on. Oh, hey. Done worse. But, okay, wow, three and three today, yesterday and the day before. Yeah. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

I'm the Cal Ripket of the morning fuck. Well, I think pragnant's good, because I convinced her that it's good for the baby. Ah, yes. Because the orgasm cools the baby out. Oh, I like that de-stress. So she's into it. I think you're more pregnant when you're horny?

No, you're more horny when you're pregnant. What's your, is she initiating or you initiating? Well, she's never initiated ever once, but she's right on board. She signs off. Okay. I present the contract, she signs it, and then we get the signing bonus.

Can I get your present? Cause to me, the presenting is the hardest part. The sex I'm good with, the finishing I'm good with, the presenting I'm awkward. Well, we're very much done bits about it. There's no move. There's no like, I swing over and start kissing her. Oh, I do wanna.

I'm like, you wanna have sex? Oh. And she's like, yeah, okay. Wow. And I'm like, great. And then that's it, nice and on. But I don't need all the hubbub and the Hullabaloo in the board games.

Yeah, I think a lady likes a little Hullabaloo. Not this one. Okay. No Hullabaloo. Well, what's also the problem with the Hullabaloo is you do this with a Hullabaloo and that she says Hullabaloo know and you're like, well, I just also the problem with the holo ballu is you do this with a holo ballu and then she says, holo ballu, no, and you're like, well, I just got all fucking hard.

I don't wanna get hard if I ain't gonna cut. Right, right. So you do the move and then they go like this, nah, nah, nah, and then you gotta live with that for the next 40 years. I live with it all the time. It's a shitty feeling. I don't wanna be turned down.

So you go, you wanna have sex, and she'll say every now and then she'll go, nah, not today and then you go, all right. Yeah, she's like, I want to get worked on or whatever and you're like, okay. And what do you do to the glitter? A sideways roll. A sideways roll. But with the stomach.

Hmm? You're not going to get on top of that. You don't want to do that. No, what you do, you do, you're kneel in front. Kneel in front. Yeah, I'm just, you know, she's on her back and I'm on my knees. That's how we fuck most of the time. Really?

Yeah, well, you gotta leave the, you gotta leave the clip available for vibration and fingering. I see, I see. Okay, I'm learning. Yeah, I can teach you a couple things. Please, please. But, so any jizz.

Send me the video. Wake up, is it a video? I wake up, it's time to go for a run. I haven't run since the road race, which everybody gave me shit. Everyone's like, nobody knows the term road race. You fucking homo, you piece of shit. Road race.

That was a couple episodes ago. I ran a road race, which I thought was a common term if you're a runner. And you were like, what are you talking about a car? And I was like, road race, a common term. I got no memory. My recall's gone. Yeah, you're not? Well. Road race. I race a common term. I got no memory my recalls gone. Yeah, you're not well road race

I ran a 5k Oh 5k yeah, I got it but in running terms. That's quite common. Okay, the boss of marathon is a road race Got it. God. Everyone wrote to me. You fucking piece of shit You know, mo normans better than you you fucking bag it your teeth crooked chop your dick off and throw it in the pond And I was like all right. Well, I'm sorry. I thought it was a road race my bad But couldn't a NASCAR be a road race? That's a road race too Okay, I ran a road race you're not like when you do the Daytona 500 sure sure I don't know what you're doing on the weekends. I ain't driving a speed car. What's called stock car race car race card but you do play baseball

you're you're you're you're you're getting morning sex you're getting people pregnant over here who knows what's going on that's true and I do like to drive but I'm on a fast driver I like to have a big no I just like to drive I mean I'll go 80 in a 70 okay okay good to have you back I just don't care for these people that are like this DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Yeah, especially, a Soda had that great bit about people who drive fast into parking spaces. What are we doing here? You know, just pull in. That's funny. You don't even need to hit the gas. Just coast right on in that square.

I love to coast. Any far, so I- Tell us what you coast. I go for a run, I wake up, I'm gonna go for a nice run, and I gotta get stamps. Cause I got little Joey, you know, my Derek's son. Sure. Little Joe Joe. I gotta get stamps, because I got Little Joey, you know, by Derek's son. Sure. Little Joe Joe. I got him a birthday card.

His birthday was July 27th, doesn't matter. I don't know why I'm giving this info, but I got his send him a card, put a few bucks in there. What I did was I stuffed a lot of singles in there. Cause kids, that money sprinkles out. It's like they won the jackpot. Yes, you won a sprinkles, like a stripper. Exactly.

So, you gotta get a stamp. And I remember last time I had stamp, I ran out of stamp, I remember taking the last stamp and being like, well I'm fucked now. Yeah, you can't get it by a new stamp. No way, it's just your fuck. And they should sell stamps everywhere. Everywhere.

Burger King, whorehouse, Starbucks, the big three. It'll be on a phone eventually. It'll be like like I need a stamp You'll be a hover like a like a deposit with a check. I said this this morning. How is this not happened yet? It's so archaic. It's antiquity. You feel like an Amish person. Why why don't we have the phone stamp? It's coming but yeah, there's a couple things the rental cars of mess phone stamp needs to get here What do we do? Where's AI on that we need need AI. By the way, AI, 20% better at detecting tit cancer. Wow! Good news. Okay, some positives. Absolutely. So, I get, I go, I'm going to,

I do my little run loop. It's a little 3.15K loop I always do by the story of Park, whatever. And it finishes right next to Belair Diner, which is where the Howard Stern comedians and cars take place. Classic Diner. And across the street is the post office. So I go, great, I'll go for a run, I'll wrap up. Right there, my run ends there, I'll get the stamps. Now you're running errands.

Mmm. I like it. More running. Aaron's sorkin. Yeah, Aaron Noble. So I go over the air, I finish the run, I feel like a million bucks, I got a nice sweat, go in, I feel spiritual and grateful.

And plus, I'm gonna go mail the car, I'm doing service. I'm gonna get this done, cross the thing off the to-do. I go to the post office, there's like four people lingering outside, I'm like, is there a line out the door? I get there, they open at 10 a.m. Oh my, it's a government building. It's exactly my words What's the hell get it together US gov double digit opening time wacky Ten eight they should be open at six range snow sweet whatever the I mean jizz I mean come on

10 fucking a.m. Are you fucking me? That is what at least nine at least six but nine is the cutoff said the same thing come on Same thing nine a.m. How is it not? This is why you fed X your UPS your DHL they all come in there and just right on your eye Japanese porn star This is the government. It's fail it. Where's the space program? Where's the seven a.m. post office come on America school shooters are doing stuff before 10 I mean get it together but I guess no one wants a job blah blah whatever the fuck so I go there and I'm like I can't I got a pack day I got all this stuff going up trying to promote the special the podcast the thing and I'm

like I can't sit here for 12 minutes now so I go maybe write it is a right-aid next day I go in there I'm like you I can't sit here for 12 minutes. No. So I go, maybe right in, there's a right in next door. Maybe they have stamps. Oh, right in. I go in there, I'm like, you guys got stamps, they got like stamps. No, the post office right there. And I knew you was gonna say it. I'm like, I know the post office is there.

Yes, yes. They're not open. You think I don't know the post office is right there? I tried first, blow me. So I go, okay, and then I Google it. It's like your grocery store, your blah blah blah, your dingleberry, and I'm like, fucking, okay, god damn it, maybe I could go to the grocery store, should I just bail on this, and I'd send Sarah.

Yeah, you got this, but I used to work in a grocery store, and we had stamps under the till. Mm, Emmett Till. Till the hunt. So, I go in and I realize it's a 4-A, that's open, everyone's in there now, so the 4-A is open. Okay. So I open the 4-A,IA I walk in and there's a little

Kiosk like a little help yourself Thing I love a kiosk and I go maybe I can do this help yourself and the some guy walks way going I don't know fucking nothing ever works and I go And I look in the screen says like rebooting. It's got a little pinwheel And I'm like are you kidding me I, there's a cute Asian boy, I'm gonna say mid-twenties, glasses had a dead tooth. Sweet looking boy. I'm listening, I'm hard.

Sweet looking boy. And I go, ah, it's not working, it goes, yeah, it's not working, it doesn't work, I go, God, fuck, parts. And he goes, well, they open in like nine minutes. And I'm like, I know they open in nine minutes. I'm in a hurry, I can't, I'm impatient. Yes, yes.

Then the whole story takes a turn. Look at that, I'm nervous about a turn. Well, there's a heavy set older woman. I'm gonna say early 60s. Okay, well, Elton John Glass is the pink tint. Not sure if she was Asian or Middle Eastern or Hispanic. Yeah, they're they're blending. Well, she had like a scar font. She was older in big glasses. So the three kind of men together. Yeah. I think maybe Latino. Okay.

Okay. Asian. Hard to tell. Can't tell if I hate her or not. Yeah. She would. I can't see better. I think I hate, she was I can't see Peter Think I hate that guy. I can't tell right that's why you're great. Oh, I don't think you so anyway So I look at the lady and she goes you need a stamp and I go well Yeah, and she goes I can help you All right lady and I go come on are you kidding? And she's like yeah, I got a lot of stamps She unzips her back and now now my heart is filling with joy and shame. Oh, people coming together. And I go, you got to be kidding.

If you give me a stamp right now, I might start to cry. I swear to God. Tramp stamp. And this guy's like, come on, how about this? And she goes, how many do you need? I go, I just need one stamp. Oh, I love it. I'm mailing a card to my eight year old nephew for God's sakes.

Seven. Seven year old nephew. Yes, seven. And she goes, why don't you take four? And she rips off a four piece. Wow. That's for you. Very Godmother.

It was like, it's a wonderful life. I jumped around, I threw my legs around her hips. I kind of didn't fuck there. Yeah, pink tint. But it gave me hope for humanity, hope for society, and I gotta pay it forward. So, let me suck you off. I love it.

Then I'll give him a stamp and we'll do the whole cycle. But here's what's great about it. It's a metaphor for fuck the government. Big government can suck my ass. The people, it's about the people, Jerry. The people look out for each other, but someone's gonna look out for the people. Sure ass the people. It's about the people Jerry the people look out for each other But someone's got to look out for the people sure certain people. I mean this lady obviously comes from a lot of money She's got several stamps. Yeah, yeah, they're not cheap

But it was a real game changer when ohms put the stamp on there slid the thing in the box Which is a lot of fun? That is a good time And it's nice to know you put a 13 cent James Dean or whatever the hell it is. You know, the Heisenberg, what was that blimp? Ed Hockney. No. What's the...

Eikenberg. The Krench. Hindenburg. Yes. Thank you. It was a Jewish name. But the Hindenburg crowd, that was the stamp I had for a while. But it's just gonna go in a box, and then you go,

you take three shits, you watch a movie, and it'll be in Washington State. It'll be there, and he'll open it, and he'll be excited a little last time, I caused a melee, because I drew, I wrote fart, I gave him a 50, I wrote fart, and it said like, I love you, Joey, I wrote on it, and somebody had told him,

it's fucking dumb goddamn father told him, it's illegal to write on money, which it is to deface whatever. Oh, right, right. And so he didn't even get any joy, he started crying, he's like, you gotta go to jail, and every time I see him,

he's like, you might go to jail, you ruin the money, they had to trade it in for different money. That's cute. And I had to explain to him, I'm like, you can write FART, can't fuck dick on money. People have taken it.

Oh, I'll take it. I prefer that kind of money. Right all over mine. But so he was really sad. So I couldn't write on it, but I put a bunch of money in there and I put so many bills in there, but I hope he doesn't notice

it's less than he got last year. Times are hard. They see the amount. It's just flowing. It's like one of those boxes with all the cash where you gotta grab it, you know those. Exactly. It's like one of those boxes with all the the cash where you got to grab it You know those exactly But I did one of those not easy you did one. I did was a goof. It was like a state fair

They had one and it was fake money, but they're like let's see how much you can get and I was like oh, I got there Somebody get all of it in your Yeah, the best movies I did like 12 times the best movies just kind of do this and let it stack up on you Ah, because if you're flailing the money's flailing as well, and so you got to just hold it now You're allowed to open your shirt. I did that. Yes, that's pretty fun, but that took a few tries Uh-huh. I had to learn but now if I ever get one of those bins your fuck state fair Well, that's my little ditty. I'm so excited for this big I don't want to build it up too much. what are you talking about you built it last week? Well, I was hoping you forgot you're like the Oppenheimer of this story

Yeah, it's more of a Barbie We'll see fun things about Barbie. I've heard a mixed right now Well your wife hated it and your buddy Sam hated it She actually liked it, but she thought you guys would like her more if she said she hated it come on She actually liked it, but she thought you guys would like her more if she said she hated it. Come on Rub an off on her. Yeah She pulled a soda. No, that can't be true. I don't she didn't hate it, but she was like I was pretty good Interesting. Yeah, well, I've heard it's very

Sip hated it. No, I thought he liked it. No, he posted that to be the shit. He liked Oppenheimer. Sorry, he hated Barbie. You're right. Yeah. James Webb liked it. He's the director. Jo and Ron on talk movies back talking about Oppenheimer. Really. Yeah. Yeah. Very upset with us. Ah, well, what can you do with Ron on specifically? I'm gonna see it this weekend. I can't wait. All right. I heard that you can go see the movie after that. All right. Sounds good. So shall I? Because this is a buckle up, get a cup of coffee, a popcorn, and it takes your shoes off. It reminds me of Broadway Danny Rose. Oh, baby.

Sit down, you need to go to the bathroom, you don't order something, because this is a big story. It's just, it's a law, it's a full page note. All right, I can't wait. All right, so let me, let me have a paint a pick here. I'm bored. All right, big and stupid just be a pain of pick here. I'm bored. All right, thank you, David.

It's not easy. Two sisters, bro, I'm trying to do my better help. We love better help. Therapy is amazing and helps you understand your emotions and when they might be misplaced. Like how you're constantly telling all your kids when you're actually just, or yelling at your kids when you're actually just stressed about work.

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And our therapist has gone all of August. You can get an August therapist on this. Hey, maybe I will. Hot month, dog days. Oh yeah, also known as Autumn? Well, that's a, that's a, that's a season. That's a Kilber or November. All right.

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Okay. Okay. I've never been, you got to land in Moline and drive 15 minutes to Davenport. Okay. All Iowa. Iowa, real farm town, corn, husk and wide open. Not easy to get to. So, land in New York, wife's like, you're here

and I go, don't get too comfortable, I'm leaving in 12 minutes. Go to bed, look at my phone right before I go to bed. Flight cancel, 9.30 AM flight canceled, connecting in Davenport, or connecting in Chicago at noon, one PM flight Davenport so I go well That's that and you kind of go I'm burning the candle at both ends I've done a million pods a million interviews a million sets. I was just another country. Yes, maybe I'll skip the gig at the

Raccoon motel. It's not the Raccoon motel. Yes. Oh wow. Have you heard of it? No no one has it's a tiny It's a cool room, but it's like a little shoe box It's one of those like you're coming here. What do you do? I'm like I need to work out this material Okay, so one is good for the party I don't want to be a pirate miss the flight Text of my guy go a flights cancel. What can you do? He goes ah well? We'll figure this out. They want you to go of course So he goes I got you a 7 a.m. Tomorrow and I go God that means I got to get up at 5.30 get to the airport at 6. You know the drill of course

I hate the drill. Hey the drill. It's already one By the way, so I'm just like god shit dick bitch Fuck twit what so I go go alright fucking give me the seven Set the alarm I'll get four hours what the hey Lady wakes me up. Hey, what are you doing? I go huh? I set my alarm hasn't gone off yet It goes. I don't know it's 648. Oh boy. So I look at my phone. I put the alarm for 5am, never clicked it. You never hit that on.

I know that, I'm done that. Yeah, I've done it. Well, this is where we differ. I check the alarm 17 times from a psychopath, but I've done it during the check. I'm like, whoa, wait. And I put it on. So I know with a no click.

No click. And so I go, ah, and you have that thing like, maybe I can still make it. It's 648. The flight is leaving at seven. Yeah, the door is closed in two minutes. Yes, yes. So I'm like, ah, and it was JFK, by the way, which is, you know.

You should have stayed at the TWA hotel. I was just, hey, there, I should, you're right. So I was like Ah, son of a bitch. So I text my my agent. I go there was a tanker if it flipped over on cloud on a highway Nine we're all standing here. There's everything's on fire. This is the fireman here 9 11 again people are crying Babies are screaming So he's like all right. We'll find something. He's in L.A. by the way. So that's 338 the morning or whatever 348 the morning. So he's scrambling and he's like, I got you on another thing,

but it's not gonna make the connection to Moline. You know, it's too late. Right. And I was like, well, shit, fuck that. And I fell back asleep. Oh boy. I think my body was kind of subconsciously. It didn't let me click the alarm, right? Because it was like, you need sleep. You're dying here. Yes. Because I've never, I never have that click thing. I've taken a million five.

I've never had to click. Problem. But whatever. So I fell back asleep. I get up at like 11. I'm like, oh my god, what happened? The wife's like, where, what are you doing? You're, you got to be at the airport.

And I go, you're right. And I just get up and I just go to the airport. JFK. Yeah. Okay. So. I just get up and I just go to the airport JFK Yeah, okay, so then I'm getting all these texts like where are you? What's going on? How you know my my agents like been work scrambling on this at 3 30 the morning and I'm like oh I'm on my way to JFK like I thought you were at JFK I'm like well, I went home and came back, you know, so that's our it's already on me Finally we get to JFK and he goes, I got you a flight, but it's out of LaGuardia.

So I go, so I go back out, go to LaGuardia and I fucked up, so I'm just like, I'll do it. We get to LaGuardia, I got you on standby. Great, we get on standby. I'm third, pretty good. Standby Jeff Leibowitz. He's number one. Woo, we got you on. Yeah. All right. All right. Hey, Bobby Collins number two.

So I'm like, all right, I'm getting on this puppy. So star studded flight. I know. I know. And then they go, Johnny Mathis sitting. Oh, I'm like, Johnny Mathis, where's he? He was number 26 and they go, he had more status. And I go, had more status Like oh So everything about you drives me nuts. Oh, well One airline specifically that you get your own line you call them they put you on I know I know

Well, this was well here's the other thing is my agent's like we got a connecting molean and eventually I was like fuck molean Let's just get me to Chicago and I'll drive. Of course. But he didn't think of that. Right. So I had to tell him that. So he's like, all right, fuck it, I got you on this one. So I didn't get on that flight. We got him stand by on another one.

I didn't get on that one. So now it's 2.30, 3.30, 4.30. And finally, I'm just like, get me to Chicago. They get me to Chicago. Flight is at 9.30 pm. So I stayed at the airport the whole day. Finally get there, I get to Chicago at 11.49 pm. This is show nights, you've missed the shows.

I missed the both shows. So I'm getting messages with the hell, you suck, you're a piece of shit. And I'm like, yes, yes, I know. Finally, after a day at the airport, I get on this flight, I hit the lounge. I must have had seven Cape Cods. You know those?

Cape Codder. Cape Codder, sorry. Cape Cods a chip. Ah, yes, set an island, but I had seven Cape Codders. I think it's a peninsula. I think you're right. Maybe it's a canal. I guess if you count the canal, it's island-y.

Okay, island boy. Oh, I'll let it slide. All right, it's a canal. I guess if you count the canal, it's Islandy. Okay, Island boy. Oh, let it slide. Alright, it's sliding. So I just had about 18 Cape Cotters. I finally get on the plane at 930. We fly there. I'm doing all the messaging and it's very nice because your agent's like, you sat at the airport all day. You changed it. You're such a trooper in my head. I'm like, I missed the flight. But he doesn't know that until now. So finally get to Chicago and young blood is opening. So he's just been sitting in Chicago because he's like, I was gonna land Chicago and I rented a car to drive to Davenport.

But since you're the headliner, I'll just wait for you in Chicago. And I said, sure, so I got us both the hotel downtown right on the river. Chicago is so great. It's the best. It's unbelievable. On the air in September.

Oh, there you go. One night only. A lot of guys there. Absolutely. That's one of two places I can do a theater. Hey. So thank you, Chicago. Bean town.

Yeah. All right. Probably L.A. or Seattle. I bet you could. Yeah, Irvine. I did some good numbers. Maybe Denver. Yeah.

I will say. What's that kid comes out? You'll be be you'll be selling more tickets are more relatable. Yeah, I don't know about that. All right. So what young blood's there. Anyway, he's not just sitting there. He's gambling. He's smoking. He's drinking. He's fucking. Well, that's the thing is I check in the hotel. I'm on fumes. You know, I've been sitting the airport all day. 12 Cape Cotters are drinking on the plane. Finally, then Chicago and I go, I'm going to bed. It's been a crazy day, crazy week.

And he goes, well, let's get one. And I go, all right, so we go out all night. You know, we hit the town. We put them back. We're at a sitting at a bar in Chicago downtown. Just, and it's Saturday night, so the place is going apeshit. And Chicago downtown on Saturday is not pretty.

I mean, it's just people blaring music, fist fights, puking, girls falling in the street, all that shit. Yeah, it's very, it's like, I always said, I think Derek said it first. It's like Boston and New York had a baby. Oh, yeah. Very similar. Very sim. Yeah. So we tie one on it. We go, we're all banged up, and it's like five of the morning.

I'm like, we are getting up early and we're driving to Davenport So we can chill because now we have three shows in Davenport because I threw one on to Sunday So it's five seven and nine okay, that's a long day. Yeah, they wouldn't do all four like we just can't Spin that no what what is the drive from Chicago to Davenport I wonder two and a half What this whole time? They didn't even think of that they're like we're getting you to molean. Oh I should have been the plan from the get go. I know they don't have a lot of like the other clients It's like Sebastian Bert Gaffigan all these big names that I'm like they're not willing to do that. I think they also fly private

So I'm like I'll do the drive. I don't care. It can be a car. I'll go there, but I don't know. They didn't think of that. Well, what can you do? No point in festering now. Uncle festering. So we get up pretty early.

We're up in the morning. We get a little breakfast in this. And we get out the door, 10.45. And I go, hey, it's a nice little car. And I go, I'm driving. He drives like a grandma. So I go, I'm driving. He drives like a grandma. So I go, I'm doing 95 the whole way because I just want to get there,

maybe get a nap in, lunch, jerk off. So I'm driving, now I'm driving the bus and he's going boy, oh boy, these EVs. EV, oh like a vehicle, any better. And I go, what was the, why'd you the eve goes it was either an F-150 Giant jacked up truck or this and it was like a little Honda CRV type thing a Chevy Bolt Oh, so I go. Yeah good joy. This thing is this thing's little and it moves and he goes what's going on there? I charged it overnight and it's just

These EVs stink. Yeah, I think so, because I've heard this, you have to pull over, sorry, I just got to ride from a comic. He dropped her off in a story, he's like, all right, I gotta go find a pump station, or whatever the fuck it's called. Yeah, charging station.

And he had to sit there and charge for like three hours from like 2 a.m. to five a.m. Yes, yes, it's crazy. And I was going like 95, 98 miles an hour, so it was just like dropping like a phone battery when you jerk it off on Wi-Fi, you know, just, woo! And I'm like, we're not gonna make it.

And he's like, yeah, we gotta pull over and charge it. I'm like, dude, come on! It was just a plan, we gotta haul ass. Is there a backup tank? No tank? Zero tank. It is all EV. Cause it's not a hybrid.

No high. Boy, you need the hybrid. I know EV because it's not a hybrid no high Boy, you need the hybrid. I know and it's like a cell phone At least you can get that little that little pack that box that you can plug into and put that You're pocket they need a surfboard size battery you can put on top of a car That's some solar on there, maybe oh Yes Solar solar babies, so he goes, we gotta stop. So we get to Rochelle, Illinois.

We got about an hour out, that's it. Got an hour out. This is fascinating. There's only like a hundred town names. Every state has all the same town names. Yeah. There's every other town. True, Springfield.

It's all I can think of. Rochelle. Rochelle. Yeah, but there's also, there's others. What is that? Yeah, you're Wilton, Milton, Manchester. Yes, yes. Other ones.

Yeah. There's Paris, Texas. All right, so you go to Rochelle. Rochelle. Rochelle, it's difficult. It's from Melonda, Minsk and I go, okay, and it's also like you're doing this shit where you're like, okay, on Googling charging station. Oh, there's one over here. Oh, that's Tesla only. All right, you getling charging station Oh, there's one over here. Oh, that's Tesla only all right. You get back in the car. There's one over here

Oh, that's for this kind of car So we need like a generic piece of shit charging station. We find one in a church parking lot finally There's no one on it. We plug it in where it 50 right now 50's not good 50's no good no it goes up to 300 So 50 was we went from 300 to 50 in an hour. So it's not a percentage. No, no, it's like grams or something. No, it's miles.

Oh, miles. 50 miles. Oh, geez. And we're still an hour and a half away. So what's that? 80 miles, I don't know. So we have no idea. We're not gonna make it.

And it's not one of the things where it's like, hey, it's on E, but fuck it man. We got another 20 in this thing. Yeah. You know,'re not gonna make it. And it's not one of the things where it's like, hey, it's on E, but fuck it, man, we got another 20 in this thing, you know, you gotta just believe it. Well, the phone, the one, believe that. The phone, 1%, always lasts longer than all that percentages. That is true. Like that, I don't know.

Yeah, baby, we didn't wanna, we didn't wanna land in the middle of the highway and the cornfield just sitting there with an EV. And what happens, the car just stops? I think it just goes Little pinwheel hits oh boy, I know so We found a charge stage we plug it and we go all right as a Mexican restaurant around here Let's get a bargarita and a bucket of chips and wait 20 minutes and pop right back in so we're at 50 We hit the charging station we walk around shit town shit town, I went to a firehouse,

we started talking to the fireman there. What's up fellas? Hey, can we use the pole? All that shit. They were cool. Small town. I got him a movie. And hey, seed goes by, there's Main Street, you know, and we go, that's been 20 minutes. Let's go back. So we go back, open the door, check the dash, 52! We won up two notches! So we go, this isn't gonna work, because it says charging time finished at 10 pm. The gigs are five. This is brutal.

And I've heard so many stories like this. I have friends that drove cross country in electric vehicle, they said it's trying. It's tough. You have to keep stopping for 12 hours at a time. Yeah, and you think a gas station's hard to find find a fucking charger for a Chevy bolt in the middle of the country Yes, yes, it's like having an android and you go hey, you got a chart. I got an iPhone Got an iPhone iPhone. That's what it felt like so we're in hell

It's blazing hot. We're hungover. We're on no sleep. I want to kill myself the whole time I just like you want to just cancel this gig You know, I'll understand. It's the record motels in the middle of nowhere. There's eight people at holds, you know I was like no, I'm doing the gig. I fuck it. So Okay, so Just a pure Hail Mary young blood goes I know a guy in this town who I know a guy who grew up in this town I'm gonna call him we called a guy in this town who, I know a guy who grew up in this town.

I'm gonna call him. We call the guy Daniel Van Kirk. He's a comedian. He's got a podcast with Rory Scoville. Funny guy, hilarious guy, cool guy. He grew up there and we go, hey man, we're sitting in a, Rochelle here and we're stranded. We got a car on the blower. It's not working.

We're fucked and he goes, well, my mom lives there. Oh my God. If you want to borrow her car, it's like a Jeep, whatever you can do it. And we're like, is that weird? And he's like, she's in an old folks home. She's old.

She's not using the car. She's an old folk home. So we're like, I mean, if that's cool with you, we'll bring it back after the show. And he was like, yeah, no problem. So he, boom, boom, boom, hello, hello, mom. You know, he calls his mom and she's like, yeah, come on over.

Oh, dear. So yeah. So we get the EV with our 50 degrees. We drive 10 seconds to this old folks home They buzz us in we go hey, we're here to steal an old lady's car They go, oh you got it and we go right upstairs and we're now we're in this old lady's Apartment at the at the home. Oh my god. This is like sideways. It is stop off. Yes, see the old lady and steal money out of her drawer Yeah, I did that fuck her great film great movie. So she's like, hello, she's got a walker.

She couldn't even look, she was so old that she never saw me. I could've robbed her whole house because she never went. I don't think she could look up. Walker texted straight to me. Yeah, so Henry Walker Bush. Herman. Herman. Herman Walker.

So, so she goes, while you're here, I'm weak at old. Can you move my bark a lounger? And I have another one in the bedroom. Could you move my, she had one of those, boo, boo, boo, boo, you know, for old people to like lay back and sit up like a craftmatic. Oh, okay, like O.J. Simpson in the fucking

Gilbert. Yes, yes, craftmack and cheese so we go sure and so You know we unplugged the thing and just got all these blankets on it and dried food and we're like Hey, these things are heavy as shit. You know, it's 900 pounds. It's electric. It's metal So we're gonna like we're sweating out gin and we fucking move this crap Maddick and she goes the other ones in the bedroom like all right here We go you got to be nice cuz she's the she's super old and letting us use her car You're actually saving your life. So we go in the bedroom

No, we get this thing. Shibbit cut cut it cut it. You know, we're trying to get through the door hook it Twisted spin it and we finally God we lay in that fucker right in the old old spot You can see the imprint we put it down there. Whoo we plug it in rear Err she's like oh thank you, okay, and then there we go Well, we gotta be running can we get those keys there? Gertrude and she goes oh the keys the keys and she You know high tails it over to the counter and she's digging through. Oh, I know I got around here some way. We're going, come on, Virgil!

Where the fucking keys to the Jeep? Finally, she finds them. Woo, we're out of that place with a puff of smoke. We said, thank you. I took a mint. We get back down there. We fire up that car. So here's the plan.

We, time has been ticking. You know, it took a while to move that shit and all that stuff. So we get in the Jeep. It's a, no, it's a Ford escape and gas. I love gas. Yes. It's got a full tank. So he goes, all right, we're going to bring the EV

to his, his cousin's house. We're going to plug it in. This is an adapter. Just plug it right in the wall. This man's an angel, by the way. I know, he saved the whole trip. We've been fucked without him. Thank you, Daniel.

So we go to the house and that knock on the door, no one's home. They're at their they're at a baseball game of 20 minutes away. So cute. He's small town's a windmill and a little long jocky. It's like Americana. I want to move there. It's beautiful. So we open the garage door.

I popped a beer out of the kegerator and we plugged the car in. So now we're like, all right, we got the car plugged in. We'll just go to the gig. By the time we get back, this car will be fully charged and then we'll swap cars and leave their car here. And we're good to go. We, we, all the way home.

Pretty good. So when we got the car, I rewarded myself with some Wendy's. I feel like we've been driving, we're hungover. Before we get, before we switch cars, let's get a frosty. I love fast food drive through on a road trip. The best and I love a frosty. I take the wall out of my tree to get the frosties.

You know, here we go. And through the wall in the dash, we're having a great time. We plugged the car in, we flop, flip, flop, the cars that we change all the luggage, you know, all that shit. We say thank you to no one, we close the garage door, we get in the car, now I'm flying down the highway,

because I'm like, we are getting to Davenport, motherfucker. We're high five, I can't wait to pull that off, holy shit, the barcle, I don't know the EV, the dog, the dog, in the house, we're high five. I can't we pulled that off. Holy shit. The barcle. I'll answer the EV the dog the dog in the house that we pet it We finally get to Davenport at four Okay shows it five you're there at four shows it five three shows sold out We get there. We check into the hotel holy hell. It was um it was a arduous journey and he goes I need a credit card to check in Left the wall on the dash and the other car Because of the frosty

The frosty I think it's the frosty I took the wall on it paid I threw the car the wall of the dash Corn cop pipe and then eyes of snow whatever So frosty the blowman I and then eyes of snow, whatever. So, frosty the blow, man. I fucked this, I fucked this. So we were gonna go do the shows pretty good. Gonna go to the shows, get a night's sleep. I was gonna fly out of Moline the next day.

Now we gotta go back to get the wallet. So I gotta fly out of Chicago now. Oh my, Christ. But if you fly out of Chicago and you miss your first flight, they cancel your second one. You know what I mean? Yes. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, because the whole flight gets canceled.

Yeah, I understand. Yeah, even though you paid for the flights, if you don't make the first one, they just assume you're not coming to the second one, but I'm coming. Right. Right, that Japanese mouth. So everybody's mad. I'm pissed. Morales low. Corbin Lee master meets us out there. He hosts the shows are great. That's good. Yeah, shows are great. So we do the shows. We have a great, great time, work on a lot of bits, fun in the green room. You get a little oasis from all the hell just in that green room with the

shows. You're like, what, what you got to be here? Yes. I love you. I love the green room. You get a little oasis from all the hell just in that green room with the shows. You're like, what, what you got to be here? Yes. I love the green room. Love the green room. Love the green room. So we get back in the car after all the shows drive to Chicago or drive to Rochelle to switch cars. First we got to fill our car up or her car the old ladies just to be nice because she gave it to us full We fill that up we head back and we go well. It's been charging for 12 hours, uh-huh, it was it you know 48 when we left it. It's got to be at a million by now So we get there Think you can see where this is going It's you know mill the night. Well, while it's gone Uh, so we get there. I think you can see where this is going.

You know, middle of the night. My wallet's gone. I was worried about that, cause it was sitting on the dash, but it's, it's Pleasantville. Right. So we get there, we go, all right, we'll switch all the luggage.

You know, the, the, the fucking crickets are chirping. It's so late, you know, he, he, you can see the stars. We did all the shows, we get back. Check the stars. We did all the shows, we get back. Check the thing. 81. What? 81, I'm never getting an EV again.

What? 81. You gotta be kidding me. I can't believe it, so we, it's like a bad outlet, I feel like. I think it just takes hours for this thing to charge and also it's through an adapter, through the wall. That's what I mean.

I think some, you gotta get the big hose. The soup, the big fucking black guy hose. Yes, yes, we need the Negro hose. Yes, we had no hoe, we had a little Asian hose, but so I go, I go how far as he goes, 88 miles, I go, we're doing doing it 88 miles an hour. I am just get 121 gigawatts 1.21. Sorry. So I'm gonna just hit the gas and not stop until we get to Chicago at the downtown hotel. Now can you go down hills and put it in neutral and

coast? Yeah, you can do that but it's you know it's it's the Midwest it's just all right it's for my sister's tits so I go he's like it's not gonna work we got a stop and charge I go we're not charging I am just if this thing goes I mean if a cliff shows up I'm driving right off the cliff like we are moving right and he's like it's not gonna work I'm like well either you come on or not because I am hitting the gas and he goes all right Well, you can't do 95 because that'll just drain it right so it's like you're right all right So let's do cruise control. I did we did that so I said all right the speed limit 70 put it on 65 And I won't even touch the gas. I won't touch the brake

But if anybody gets in the way I'm hitting them all right So we're on cruise control and that thing is just ticking away like you wouldn't believe. Oh God, I hate this. It's fucking vehicle. He's been drinking all night. I'm sober as a judge because I'm just, I gotta be up, I gotta get through this drive. And he's like, there's not gonna work, man.

What are you crazy? And I'm like, shut up, it's gonna work. And he's like, whoa, 74, whoa, 73, whoa, 71. And it's just flying by and I'm like, God damn these EVs! So I just keep going, keep going, and then this car is just putting, putting along, putting along,

and I can see Chicago, I can see it. Wow, okay, we're getting there. We're getting there, we get to Chicago. And he goes, well, here's the thing. We got airport hotels, because we're both flying out. Air puts in the outskirts. Yes, this is good. That helps.

So we make it to the hotel and he goes, ah, I'm at midway. He's at O'Hare. Or I'm at O'Hare, he's at Midway. So I'm like, how far is Midway? 40 minutes. Yeah, they're not close. They're not close. We definitely don't have enough juice to get's at midway. So I'm like, yeah, how far is midway? 40 minutes. Yeah, they're not close. They're not close.

We definitely don't have enough juice to get him to midway. He run the car. I can't leave him hanging. So he can take a lift. You can cover the lift. What do you mean? He's got to go one place. You got to go the other. But the car's done. Right. Yeah. I got the wallet back.

But a lift. What do you mean? Uber, lift. Two. Whoever needs to go to the airport. But he's gotta bring the car back. Oh, I see. I thought you were ahead made it to the thing.

We made it to O'Hare. He's gotta go to Midway with the car. I see. But I have us both in this O'Hare hotel. I didn't think about Midway. I see. Turn of a knife at every goddamn corner I got you so

He goes well, I got a charge it and I go well, I got a charge I'll charge it with you I can't just go to bed and leave him hanging right and so He's like well, I'm not gonna stay in this hotel anyway, so we cancel his room and Then we start charging the fucking thing. We're just like loopy. I thought I was in LA. I kept thinking like, oh, I mean LA, I gotta get back. And he's like, where in Chicago's like, oh my God,

you're just so out of sleep and just highway driving and shows and flights, it's a lot. Right. Frosty's so, I was like, oh God. So now we find a charger, we're just sitting there. And we're going, what's it at now? Well, let's walk around the block. What's it at now? You know, it got up to about I don't know 28 and he's like Fuck it. Let's go to bed. We slept in the same bed and he's like, I'll just wake up early and let it charge

I'll wake up early and I'll go to midway So it's all because he rented an EV I know the EV and but he was like what I didn't think the F150 was the move I would have done the EV to he was like what I didn't think the F150 was the move. I would have done the EV too. I'm not blaming him He has a Tesla too. He's like I love my Tesla. But the Tesla hybrid No, but this charges everywhere and the charge takes 20 minutes to fill it up. Wow 20 minutes wow 12 hours Jeez, yeah, so

So we sleep in the same bed like planes trains those aren't pillows. Oh, you know the whole about those bears Got a great line great movie. So I We I think I went to bed. We finally turned the light out. You know, we go nobody talk. We're turn the light on somebody goes See Barbie like all right shut up. No chitchat. talk we're turning the light on somebody goes see Barbie like all right shut up no chip chat So we're laying there. It's about four in the morning my flight to 730 got to be there at 630 I think I conked out for an hour get up Get a lift or get a get a shuttle to the airport and I made it home. Wow. That was it.

Brutal. Yeah. All because the god damn EV. The EV. Well, I had the alarm. And the alarm. That was on me. Yeah.

I'm gonna have a wallet on you, the EV, him. Yeah. Yeah. Boy, but that guy's the John van Kirk or Daniel. Dick van Dyke, whatever his name is. That guy really saved the day. Yeah, I'm just making sure I got everything. Butke, whatever his name is. I really saved the day. Yeah, I'm just making sure I got everything.

But yeah, that was about it. But I mean already compounding with all the other flights and Montreal and everything before that, it was just, it was like, well, we'll do this quick gig in Davenport and getting get out and it was hell on earth. The wall, it was the real wapper. Yeah. Or frosty. Ah, yes, yes. Do you make a jeez?

I mean, the thing about it is, it's all becomes fun and funny, but it's the classic old thing. How do you make God laugh? You tell him you're playing it for the future. It's the old thing of like, I'm gonna shoot down to David Brown. There's run on down there, do a couple of shows,

make a few bucks, and it just, they just, the world just takes a big shit on your tits. Yeah, yeah, the EV, and we didn't factor that in, that it might just, rrr, drop down, and then the wall, of course, then at one point, we're moving the barclanger, we're pouring sweat, we're breathing out vodka going how the fuck do we get here?

Like I'm looking at him over a barclang or like what the hell is going on and Holy is like move it to the left to the left like this is great we're in old folks home right now. Well that's the fun thing about comedy and sort of alternative career path is it takes you to a lot of places that you're like this is insane. That's true. That doesn't make any sense.

No, you're right. And thank God this van Kirk guy is from Rochelle. Yeah, God bless you, Danny van Kirk. Yes. DVK. Check out, do you have a special? Are you two? He's got a hot pod with Rory.

And I think the Sklar brothers too. I don't know, he's all over the place. That was a very talented guy. He's very talented. So yeah, go check that out. Hot plug for Dan Van Carr. I got to check him out too. I mean, Rory's one of my favorite comedians all time.

Oh, killer. He was there the week before and I was like, how did he make it? He didn't miss his flight, I guess. We're getting an EV. Yeah. Wow. But yeah, whoof, Davenport.

We made it. We did three of the shows. One lady called us massage and this after the show, but that's a whole another bag of hammers. Yeah, I just had a lady email me that I was massage-ish. Yeah, really, it was... Well, it doesn't help the stereotype that they don't get comedy when they don't get comedy. Yeah, it was one of those ones where you're like,

what, I'm choking. I know, I know, it's all jokes. I don't know if you would think they know you, like they I'm joking. I know, I know. It's all jokes. I don't even feel like they know you, like they know who you are. Like, well, you're a racist. I'm like, but I'm not. Well, you told that joke.

Yeah, I told the joke. Does it mean you know who I am? Right. Yeah, you're like, I'm kidding. I don't get it. That happens a lot. We get that a lot. If I was raised, I would actually not make the jokes

because I'm like, I don't want to, I don't want to kick that up. right you know you wouldn't even joke about it You're like no this is serious. Yeah, I wouldn't joke about black people right right get them or whatever Yeah, yeah, it doesn't make any sense although. I'm sure the clan jokes about black people. Yeah, it's a good point This argument doesn't really hold up to scrutiny But I'm sure they got some of the best jokes about them. Yeah, yeah Well, when I hang out with them, we're always laughing those meetings seem like a good time if you're if you're white Yeah, I flew out there to Indiana and had a good time. Yeah, well don't get an EV

Well, that is an all-timer I feel bad for the one show that they didn't get to go I know it seats like 40 people in there. All right. So we didn't miss too much. And they tried to pack a couple and do out the other shows, they sprinkled. All right, but it was one of those,

you know, I'm selling merch after and it's a lot of like, what are you doing here? You know, like what brought you here? And you're like, duh, don't ask. Yeah, don't tell. Well, that is that, that's it all time. I mean, you can't even clip it because it's so long. It's long, but that that bark-alow under the frosty, there's so many little just nicks

and nacks and knots that really, we didn't see coming. Well, what a classic and a young one. What a trooper he is, huh? Green Hulk to Davenport. This guy's all over the place. Yeah. And he's a horse. Like, he's just, what a trooper he is, huh? Green Hulk to Davenport. This guy's all over the place. And he's a horse. Like, he's just, he's like a soldier. You know, he's almost like a salicy,

where you're like, all right, we gotta move the luggage. He's like, oh, we got it, got it. You know, like, he's ready. And then we get to the gig and he sets up the camera. He sets up the merch. He's a badass. Yeah, I love these guys that, they're just, they're in it to win it.

And we love you, old young blood. Try to not die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of... His hair looks great, but yeah, we're all, we're all, we're all, we're all bad health. We're terrified of you. Anyway, how long we've been going here?

50 minutes basically. Oh, okay, let me tell you a couple of tales. Please, please, tell me. Los Angeles, I got this. Really worse than a text from a number you don't have saved. The worst. I just throw my phone across the room.

I'm like, I can't be looking at this. I had a no, no save number and it said, in town, coming to see it tonight. I'm like, I don't know who this could be my dead son, my aunt. All the time I got this. Yeah, people are like, can you do tonight? I'm like, do what tonight? The the worst text ever where are you? Oh?

That's who I want to know where I am or am I late for something? That's your specialty the where are you? I can't tell you how many places I go to like marks gonna be here in five minutes. I'm like oh is Okay Oh, is he? Yeah. Okay. Woo. That's great. I don't even know where to start here. I got a bunch of stuff. I had a 12 day epic road trip out to Vegas and Los Angeles, but I'll give you a little Vegas and I'll tease LA. Please, tease me. Please tease.

Boy, it was really something. That's what it was. It's been so long. Oh God, I want to tell you about San Jose too. Well, how we got 10, 10, something minutes here. All right, but I'll just do Vegas because it's been so long now. So I had a Vegas gig.

Well, I thought you were gonna be out there for a minute. It was a fully loaded tour, but you came later. So fully loaded was out there and. Good group. Great tour. Great leader of the tour. Yes, yes. So good.

So we're all friends, we're very close. Yes, close. Stole things. Oh, yeah. Don't believe everything you hear. No, thank you. Ari as well. All fantastic.

Ari started it. Bad guy, I hope he dies. He's sold. But anyways, so I go out there and I'm texting with Bird. He's like, we should meet up and I say, we should. But I had a corporate gig. Love Bird, dentist. Dentist gig, big corporate gig with dentists.

And it's scary because, you know, a corporate show, you put it, you book it six months in advance, you put it in the book. And it's like this, because it's always stupid money. Always. So you're putting your calendar, I still use a pen, because I started in the 50s. So I write down, you know, dentist gig,

and then there's five digits below it. I'll just say that. Wow. So you put that in, you've had a big circle around it in the heart, because you're like, okay. I mean, business, baby, you put your feet up, and you light a cigar, because you go, hey, come July, I'm gonna make a big, I'm gonna make what my fucking parents make in a year

Old Joe's a millionaire and there's a moment where you go That gig is gonna suck though and so then it's just ticking away and every time you look at it You go look at all that my goodbye a car. Yeah, you started dreaming about your purchases But you think I could buy a car But you also think an hour, clean, Vegas dentist. How am I gonna pull this off? Well, don't get an EV. And I think also, I'm a nice guy.

I put on a suit to do late night. People sort of think, I got jokes. People think of me as like a clean guy. Glasses, yeah. And I'm not filthy. I mean, I am here on the show, obviously, in my life, my day-to-day life, I am. But on stay, it's a lot of sex,

dick, come, poop, retard, whatever. So you're kind of like, and now as we get closer, you know, you put it off. You're like, it's like homework. You're like, I'll figure out that. And so you get closer, it's a dentist gig. So I'm like, I gotta remember all. You're like, I'll figure out that. And so it gets closer. It's a dentist gig. So I'm like, I gotta remember all my dentist stuff.

That's why they hire me. So I'm doing research. I'm like, literally watching my Letterman set. Been there. And watching my old comedy central. And it's making me cringe. Of course. I'm blinking.

I'm wearing like boat shoes that Bloomingdale's gave to me. It's like, somehow some Hugo Boss shirt. I'm watching all my stuff. Yeah, we all talk about those shoes. And there's moments, by the way, where you're like, that Bloomingdale's gave to me. It's like some Hugo Boss shirt. I'm watching all my stuff. Yeah, we all talk about those shoes. And this moment's, by the way, where you're like, that's pretty clear, is that? That's a few moments, really.

It's shining light. Yeah, I'm pretty good. Yeah. But now I'm trying to remember them, because I think you're like me, it's like, the reason I do specials is because I have too much material, like I can't keep it in my head.

Right. So I'm like, all right, let me shoot this, because I gotta clear my brain of this material. Get out the baby better. It's not because I'm like, everyone needs my new hour. It's for me. I can't remember it.

Yeah, and you're better at comedy, so you're writing more. Right, a lot of it used to, you know, when you start out, another bit hit. So you're like, okay, get rid of this, here's my new. And as soon as I shoot it, you're like, all right, that's over, that's out of my head now. It was fucking up my brain,

because it was jumping up and down on my brainstem. Yes, yes, stem. So now you gotta go back and relearn your own stuff. Yeah. And the whole day, I'm like stressing out, and you gotta be clean. And you gotta remember it, because you could go, oh, I got the dentist bit,

but not remember the punch line. Exactly. So now I'm like, fuck, remember it, because you could go, oh, I got the dentist bit, but not remember the punch line. Exactly. So now I'm like, fuck, and it's at the win hotel, which everyone starts telling me is the nicest hotel in Las Vegas. It's lunch. Brand new, it's on-core in win. I get there, I'm in the win suite.

They got me a suite. I'm getting like VIP treatment at the nicest hotel in Vegas. Which is nice, but it also puts pressure on the gig, because you're like, oh, this is an upscale gig here exactly. I got to bring in a Ted Baker I got to iron my pants. I got a bifu's You got that right and I'm I'm I'm stressing out me. Well, I want to go fully loaded zone I want to go shoot other stoproses there centinos there hurts there the big three

So and Maddie Smith who I also enjoy so I'm like I got a I Want to get over there, but I got to do this gig so all day I'm like maybe I'll go meet up with stuff and but I'm like I can't I gotta focus. Yeah, you get homework But at the same time I'm in Vegas. I want to go play poker The sweet sound of the slots. So you're like you're you're dragged and pulled then I get there and a lady who works for the dentist guy Who's who's a comic himself get there and a lady who works for the dentist guy who's who's a comic himself and very funny a lady. Well, huh? He's got like an assistant the guy who's gig it is. Oh, I got a head of the dentist's union. Oh god. I got a plug his fucking name in here. I'm an idiot.

David, Dr. Geller, I think David Geller David Geller. Pretty sure. Okay. Fuck, we'll put it in post, it's real name. I think it's David Geller. Old Geller. Eh, it's very fun. Maybe give that a Google, Dr. David Geller, comedian, dentist. Anyways, great guy, and a funny guy, he's got an act. Okay.

He's opening, he kills. So I get there, I check in, he's got a little assistant lady who couldn't have been nicer, and I'm getting the VIP treatment, turns out the NBA is there. It's the NBA summer league is at the same hotel. Oh cool. The whole NBA is there. Wait, the players and everything. The players, the coaches, the analysts, everybody. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was walking around the hotel and I wished like

Sam or Stavvy was there because I don't watch. That's right. David Geller. Geller. Geller. Geller. Long time, Geller. Oh, whatever. Daily Geller. Funny guy, great guy. Treat it. Just laid it all out for me. The hotel, everything.

I mean, I've never been treated better in my life. I've never been paid better in my life. So thank you, Doc. Did you see them, they're like drafts walking around those, those players. It's crazy. And anyway, so I wish I'm not a huge NBA guy. I was in the 90s, of course. But you know, I watched the Celtics. But all these guys, I'm like, I wish someone was here

to identify these people because you just see like a seven foot nine black guy walking by with a suit, a $3,000 suit on. You're like, well, he's somebody. Exactly. I need to see Barclay and Jordan and Dan Marley. Nobody. I don't even no Marley. But, Thunder Marley. What's his name? Wembee, the new guy. You know the French guy, he's 7'6, he's the number one draft, he's brand new. Oh, I got a frosty from him.

He got, he was there. Okay. He's the new thing, he shoots three, he's 7'6. Anyway, he's starting the whole NBA's there, it's very exciting. So it's me and the NBA, the VIP's here. Wow, we got six, too. That's something. Okay. So I. So it's me and the NBA at the VIPs here. Wow, we're six, too That's something okay

So I go up to the suite and it's the rain man suite. I open it up the whole Skyline everything two beds two bathrooms automatic curtains. Oh definitely definitely two beds Forgetten about it. It's just unbelievable. So then I go down. I'm like it's late. I'm tired I'm like I got to play some poker. You got to play you're there. What in Vegas? So I go down, I'm like, it's late, I'm tired, but I'm like, I gotta play some poker. You gotta play, you're there, what in Vegas? So I go down there, and it's a melee of people, it's just packed poker room, like people everywhere. I'm looking at the board going, where's the one, three game?

It's too crowded. Guy walks over and goes, Tuesday. And I go, what? And he goes, you want to play? He's like, I'm running the table. Oh! He's like, I'm a huge fan.

I listen to the show. He goes, if you want to end, I'll get you in right now. Hell yeah! And I go, why is it so nuts here? He's like, the World Series is in town. The World Series of Poker is there that weekend. So we got NBA, we got World Series, and we got List, dentist. And fully loaded.

And fully loaded, what a town. Which is crazy, because they're at the arena that I went to the Pac-12 championship a couple months ago. I was like, I spent like three days in that arena where they're all performing. Holy hell. And Simon's in, is that the seller? Yeah, wow, you got this town.

So I go in there, and I go, World Series, I go, these are all like pros, and he's like, yeah, everyone comes to town, because it's, when the World Series is there, every poker player comes to Vegas to go, cause they're all these side games going on. Sure, sure. So I'm like, I don't know, it's already like 11, 30 at night,

there's a wait list and I'm like, I don't like jumping lines, I feel bad. Cause then I'm just gonna go in there and lose my 300 bucks, I'm a dork, they're gonna be like, this guy jumped aligned, fuck you. At least they got your money, but yeah, but still it's exciting because these are two's gay and I just kind of slunk off I was like I'll come back in the morning. Yeah, so the next morning I wake up beautiful bed. Everything's nice I go down the morning now nobody's at the book. It's one game going so I play that I played for a few hours did pretty well It was fun. You find that intimidating. It's like, it's very masculine energy.

No one's very warm to you. It can be a little intimidating, but I, you play in the morning, it's like I like to try to keep it loose. I see who wants to chat and this, some old people. But, because the world series isn't down, around like 1 p.m., the vibe changes.

People start to leave. The whales are coming in. And a guy comes in and just, uh, 50, and you're like, ah, I was having a good time. time right. Yes shark. I want to have a good time and I'm just like I can't I can't call 50 bucks before the flop. All right. Take care. You guys have fun. Yeah, it was a nice time Anyways, go there now. It's like I go to the buffet and it's so hard to work because you got a buffet You got poker. It's vet. There's a pool. Ah, the pool. And you just don't wanna watch your old stuff.

Of course. And memorize. So I go there, I'm like, I gotta remember these dentist bits. Yada yada. I do that. Now, yada yada, I'm reading my stuff. I go down, it's time for the show. Beautiful.

Have you done that theater? Have been to that theater? What's that now? The wind theater. Oh, I don't believe I have. You gotta do it. I'm sure you'll do it. It's Mateo's coming up. Tim Dylan's, I keep been to that theater. What's that now? The wind theater. Oh, I don't believe I have. You gotta do it. I'm sure you'll do it. It's Mateo's coming up.

Tim Dillon's, I keep seeing Mateo and Tim Dillon's poster. A lot of gays. It is a gorgeous room. It's like a thousand seat theater maybe, and it's beautiful, all redone, classic theater, and the green room is beautiful, it's all decorated, sonatrice shit. It's just, it couldn't be nice.

And the security guy comes, meets you at your door. Oh yeah. He's got the little phone cord. Oh yeah, I love the cord. Walks you down, they feed you, again, red carpet. That's a win-win. Beautiful. I go up, I do a sound check, and they go,

well, they're gonna love you, because this afternoon at the conference, they played your whole dentist bit, and it killed. Oh, hilarious. killed I go what? They go they played it the seven minute dentist. I've been memorizing it all day. I got a candle stick in the mirror And they're like it murdered and I'm like are you kidding me? Oh Watching this thing how many do you think you have you got your 12 Dennis bitch and pull around your ass?

So they just burned all my dentistists, so it's good. So I'm like, now I'm really fine. And I'm like, just reading, I haven't, normally, I'm a pretty free flow in comic. I got an idea, let me go up there. I'm like reading words, I'm writing, I'm calling friends, I'm like, can I do your bits? I don't see how many bits.

Have you got anything on the tooth, the canyons, the molar? And then, the Dr. Gallup comes up, he goes, oh yeah, it's gonna be fine, they're gonna love you, don't worry about it, he goes, you can do 45 if you want. So I got 15 minutes locked off, and then I got to be pretty clean, huh? And says no, and he goes, no. Oh, this is music to my ass.

He goes, no, no, he goes, watch me, I'm gonna go up, he does a butthole joke, he talks about sex. By the way, his kids are there, they're like eight and 10 in the front row. So he's like, nobody, he goes, watch me. I'm gonna go up, he does a butthole joke, he talks about sex. By the way, his kids are there, they're like eight and 10 in the front row. So he's like, nobody cares, it doesn't matter. Yes. So now I have the relief, I've taken 25% of the time off.

Yes. And I can go blue now. Yeah. So I'm like, whoo, it takes every load off my back that I want on my back. Sure. He goes up, kill. I mean, he does dentists, he's killing inside baseball.

They're dying laughing, hot crowd, a lot of hot women because it's all the hygienist and stuff. Oh my God, yeah, the hottest. But I guess Gaffigan did it the year before. And they started to get tired. So I'd heard the crowd gets tired. It's a long day, they all flew in from the East Coast. Sure.

So I had that, I did about, I didn't have doing about 52 or something like that. Hey, that a baby. But in the middle of the show, you could feel them slowly peeling up. People would slowly kind of like slink off to bed. You're like, it's a lot. Yeah, it's a long day living in recita. Sure. I think Burke lives out there or used to. Oh yeah. I don't know. But anyway, I just lead in recita. So anyways, the show ended up being good, and you're like, oh, what a relief. Then you get that fat old paycheck. Feels great. Go back to the hotel. Beautiful.

And that feeling of post show, post schmooze, all that stuff. You see a couple NBA players, a couple audience members. There was one Tuesday in there. You better believe it, it's all pipes. And you go back, you sleep in that big cushy bed. Oh!

That's beautiful. And the next day I wake up, I get a ride to the airport, get a car, and now I'm driving through the mountains down to Irvine, California, which is... Woo! It's a three and a half. About four, maybe three and a half four, about four hours. That's a nice desert ride.

And then you got the Irvine improv Which I you know I'll tease some of this because I don't want to go crazy But by the way, Mona's who's my west coast opener. Oh, Luke. He was back here in New York Because he got past at the seller good for you Mona's hockey. Luke. So I'm like, huh? What am I gonna do? I got he's my west coast guy. I hit up my old pal Andy Hendrickson Oh, it's funny friends. It's for 20 years. I go. I know you're above this. You probably don't want any interest in coming down to Irvine He's in hell yeah, you better believe it. So I got a nice old buddy. Chris Walsh comes down and that Irvine room is Beauty it's clean as a whistle. It's a high tech brand new of the art. And boy did the gays come out,

sold out a shirt with one show left. That's the best feel. Nothing better. Sell out a merch and then you still go do the meet and greet and so many nice fans. So thank you Irvine and Andy and I went to Laguna Beach right on the honeymoon, swam in the ocean. That was delightful.

It heals and just a great weekend. Then I went up to Hollywood for a few days. I'll get into that next week, but. Oh, boy, oh boy, I can't wait, what an app? What an app, classic app, what a month of July we had, and now we're into August, and new special, August 18th on YouTube. What would be great is if you could watch it,

when it premieres, it'll be, I think, 10 Eastern Friday night, seven Pacific, you can stay up to eleven p.m. for god's sake all be in the live chat and uh... i'll be goofing around in there so come out it's all algorithm if you're able to watch it while it premieres you know how it goes and uh... bunch of dates comedian joe list dot com and uh... join the patreon yes, get on the Patreon. It's cooking.

We're about to do a bonus right now. So you're missing out. Last week we just did an extra half show. So you're missing out. You're missing out. You're missing out. Yeah, a lot of fun stuff. Great Patreon.

Where are you going to be? I mean, you're all over the place. All over the place. Big theater tour. Mark Domey Comedy. Dotcom. Coming to Louisville, San Diego, Austin, Denver. You name it. Check the website. Louisville San Diego Austin Denver you name it check the website Louisville's pretty light Cincinnati you name it and watch soup to nuts on Netflix what do you got Chucco check

on my pod fun bearable at funbearable pod dot com newest episode I think is where Brad Brian I are heading to the airport for ready to go to Greece, Turkey, and Italy. Oh, yeah, it was quite a, we had some mishaps, but good to see. Oh, that's a whole part of it. But, and big documentary coming up with Joe, leading up to a special called Hour by Hour, features Mark and Joe, talking about all of his

specials over the years and producing the new one. It's gonna be really fun. So, at Joe's YouTube. Now we're talking, Fanny. We're talking about working for a living. I'm not talking about gay crews in a pleasure, Salon. I'll also be in Europe, by the way. Coming out there.

So yeah, thanks gang. What a time. I'm glad I got that out. That was sifting in my assholes. That was nice. In Turtlehead. But yeah, we'll see you in hell. Great though.

What do you think, Salon? But yeah, we'll see you in hell, great thought. You're the same type of guy.