Tuesdays with Stories! - #517 Mr. Nomad

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

The kings of comedy argue about how offensive vikings are this week, folks! They're on the cutting edge! We live in sensitive times! Mark heads out to LA and does pods 24/7. Joe comes face to face with a chatty Cathy in Providence, then traipses up to Portland and sees a motorcycle live on the highway. The queefs are traumatized! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS & get on your way to being your best self. - Support the podcast & get 20% off of Sheath Underwear at https://www.sheathunderwear.com promo code TUESGAYS. - Support the show & get your first 6 bottles of incredible wine for just$44.95 at https://www.tryfirstleaf.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show & sign up for FabFitFun at https://www.fabfitfun.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose who's... Yow! Baby, we're here, we're clear. Pickin' it up, kickin' it back, button it down. You can pick it up and put it down. Drop it when it's hot, pick it up, kicking it back, putting it down. You can pick it up and put it down. Dropping it in the hot, picking it up with its goal.

Yeah, we go, hot potato. Yes. That was an old Santino joke, could be in words like a hot potato, you know, you throw it back. Like if a black guy said it was, it's a funny bit. It's very funny. Funny guy.

Absolutely. I had a last night at the stand and comedy club packed out, sold out, very exciting. Funny guy. Absolutely. I had a last night as at the stand and comedy club packed out. Sold out very exciting. You got there right. Great lineup. Ari Schaffer. Myself. Somebody else. I can't remember. Doesn't matter really. Who the hell was it? Wayne Gacy. No, who was on Ted Bundy? John Wilkes Booth. Big Jagger. I forget who else was on? Ted Bundy. John Wilkes Booth. Um. Mick Jagger. Uh. I forget who else was on. Hey, what's up? I was on.

I was on. Oh, Berg was on. Okay. And then I got this move. I wanted to pizza, so I went to follow him, because Aaron Berg then Ari, and then me. Yeah. And Joe Horare, the manager, that he knows I like to leave

early or be done. Sure. So he's like, you can go after Aaron if you want. Ari's not here yet. He crushes that kid. And, and Burr, I just hear like, yeah. He's like, look at you, your Muslim, drop a bomb. Baaah. They're going crazy. He's crowd surfing. Yeah. And I go, let me get a cheese pizza real quick. As fast as you can, get it out of the oven. And three seconds later, the pizza comes.

And I go, hey, Joe, actually actually I can't go next I got a pizza And so already had to go he bombs of course. Yeah, that's what he does, but Can you shave the beard he looks horrific. Yeah. Well, what are you gonna do? It's like an old Jewish seat captain Like it's got a tugboat out there. There was no Jewish seat captains. What do you get it? They would throw them off the side? Somebody's gonna get the locks and the shrimp and the clam, whatever they eat. Yeah, Jewish sailor, you don't think of the Jews on a Navy, I guess, did Noah go somewhere?

Didn't he walk, he marched? Yeah. Is that Selma? He walked. Ha ha ha. Yeah, 40 days, 40 nights. That sounds right. 40 acres of the mule.

Uh huh, drinking 40s. 40 40, that was Jose Kitsako. Forty still in basis. Forty home runs. I thought it was 30 for 30. That's the movie. I see. But I don't think Jose is a Jew. Kiseko. I believe he is. No. He's a mechanic. He's got to be. But he ain't Mexican. He's too tall. Very big, big son of an onion. Big drug addict. He had the ball go off his head and over the fence. That has to be a single post embarrassing thing ever. Trying to catch a fly ball. Must've hurt. Probably going a hundred to ten miles an hour.

That ball ain't soft. Right off the dome and home run. Yeah. What is hard ball? You always hear about hard ball. Because it's soft ball, right? Hard ball is a nickname for baseball. That's what I think it is. metaphor that Chris Matthews had hardball.

Yes. DePaul, I think I'm joking, you said that you call it spitball. Yeah, I'll laugh. Chris Matthews, he had like, he talked like this. Yeah, yeah. Also, always interrupt the people. But so small, so funny. But so hardball, I think is you're playing hard ball. Yeah, which is means like hey

I'm not budging, but that's just baseball Yeah, that's weird about that's why I was that kid I was confused. Oh my god. We got softball. We got baseball He's playing hardball, so if I miss something, but it's just baseball well hardball. I guess it's a version of baseball We're gonna really play hard Yeah, all right, all right, but it's still baseball. Yeah, got it. Okay. Got the end of a money ball.

That's the hell of a picture. Great film, Jonah Hill. He won't stop texting me. What a film and good time. And what's this Chris Pratt? Isn't that movie? Yeah, he placed Scott Hatterberg, former boss of Ritzug. How about Pratt?

But how about that? I had a fun game going. I was playing with my niece and nephew and I said, I'm gonna say how about that in what's this do? It was Mel Allen's voice, 100 times today. Jesus, right, we're out of toys, huh? And we got to like 28 and they were like, please, if you could, like, real seriously,

cause you can stop doing that. Yeah, that's a little autistic, rain-manny. How about that? So everything we said, I would just say. But doing that. Yeah, that's a little autistic, rain-manny. How about that? So everything we said, I would just say. I would do it. It's fun. That's too. It's very fun. I'm gonna try. It's a fun name. How about that?

That's not bad. Yeah, I gotta hear it. I haven't heard it. Yeah, it's a... Yeah, it was exciting. That would be fun to be a color commentator and have a thing. Like, have a, like, almost a catchphrase. Yeah.

Put the peanut butter on my dick and let the dog lick it up. That balls gone. That's a little long, but I'll take it. Something like that, you know. Don't go crunchy. But we essentially have that. Yeah, I guess so. No types.

Yeah, where are the carrots? Yeah. Georgia saying cut it. Sure, none of them are ours, but still something. That's true. I think those are here. Those are all signed. Well, signed is fun.

By the way, I was on the Sal's another sign-filled guy. You got that right. So I'm on taste buds and all I could do is just keep doing sign-filled lines and then he would do them back and Dorosa's a sign-filled guy, but he's like so worked up in the argument that he's like, what are you saying?

Yeah. Yeah. And a hot duck that Dorosa. He's something. He's something, all right. Hopefully he'll be in Philly with us tonight. Maybe probably not but tonight Philly, Alphia. Yes. We're coming at you. Yes. Do you have your tickets yet? Many of you don't please? What's the venue called? I have no idea The theater of the living arts and it's a great theater. It's a great rock club Everybody loves the living arts. We've sold 11 tickets. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it.

Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it.

Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it.

Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it. I know it's Indian, but I just watched Slumdog Millionaire. Yeah. What'd you think? I don't remember, I didn't love that movie,

but maybe I have to give it another shot. It's wildly over the top, it's very 2008, meaning like the lady has zero depth, she has no character development in it, and at the end they even call her for the lifeline, and she goes, I don't know. And you're like, this is your big contribution, you dirty horse.

I get that and what's a million dollar baby? Those came out like the same year. It was a million dollar baby slum dog millionaire. One time my girlfriend at the time back then, way back, she hated movies, she never watched movies. She loved slum dog millionaire. Okay. And she had some kind of procedure,

she had her dick removed or whatever. Ah, yes. So I went out and I some kind of procedure. She had her dick removed or whatever. Ah, yes. So I went out and I was like, I'm going to get her a good gift. I got her some magazines and I bought million dollar baby. I had the million in my head. And she was like, Oh, I'll watch this. I heard it's good. And I'm like, that's your favorite movie. She's like, what's that? Oh, no. But I just remember watching it with her. And I think I was drunk and high and whatever, it's sad. Yeah. And being like, okay, it's fine.

Wow, a million to one. I didn't care for a million dollar baby either. I hated both millionaire movies. Million dollar baby is way worse than slum. Right. Slum has moments and it's cute and it's well done. But it's a little silly. Like everything, you know, they're like,

every question, not to ruin it, but every question on a millionaire. 15 years. Yeah, is a thing he experienced. So it just worked out. Right. And he's like, who's on the $100 bill?

And he has this memory of a kid giving him a $100 bill. And you're like, he couldn't give you a 50. Wait, that's the plot. Yeah. He goes on who wants to be a millionaire. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't even remember.

I said this last week, I think. Oh, we're out of the rage now. I just don't remember films that I saw. Yeah, it's scary. Well, we've seen a lot of films. A lot of movies, meet a lot of people. Yeah, you got that right. And now no one watches movies.

You see Barbie. If you see Barbie, you're good for like eight years. You know, no one sees Barbie and then 30 other movies. They see Oppenheimer, they see Barbie and that's it. Have you seen Barbie? No, I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. I can't bring myself to watch, but I'm getting mixed reviews.

Yeah. The people that I really feel similar to me say to them, like, I got you. Yeah. Sarah, who knows me. She's like, I don't think this is for you. I see. Because I'll just be going, are you fucking kidding me? Right.

But any jazz. Is everything have to have a message? I love Margot Robbie. I love Ryan Gosling and I love my father. I like Gerwig. I love Gerwig. Yes. I love Gerwig.

What is Sarah? What is Sarah's say? Well, she hasn't seen it, but she just read about it. I think it's gonna be one of the, because she watches commercials with me, where I'm like this, oh, here we go. I got the Apollo syndrome. Where I'm like, so this guy's married to this, okay, sure.

Right, right, right. The Apollo really got deep in my head on this stuff, so I'm just everything I have to be like, that's bullshit, that's crazy. Yeah, the commercials, I can see it, but it doesn't really bother me. When the guy is stupid, he puts orange juice in the toaster, he's like, uh-oh, try can see it, but it doesn't really bother me. When the guy is stupid, he puts orange juice in the toaster,

he's like, uh-oh, try to make breakfast, mom's out of town, and I'm like, all right, I think every guy is an idiot, but I doesn't bother me. I don't get angry, you get angry? I don't get angry, but I'm like, well, I get angry, well, now we're gonna go off on some crazy thing.

I don't get, what I get angry about is the pretending that's not the case. Yes, that's what makes me angry. I'm with you there, at least acknowledge it. Is this acknowledge that like every single man on TV is like, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's like we started. And all the teachers and the bosses are, you know.

Yeah, whatever. Biden isn't helping that out he's not helping the the man on tv thing what he made what's supposed to do make a commercial well not fall or get a sentence out i'm saying like oh i see if you if you're gonna go hey uh... the not every man on tv every man on tv is a fucking bumbling idiot commercial then we got the president who's like

uh... corn pop i suppose so but i mean i'm not he's not on sitcoms He's leading the country quietly in a cell or whatever he is sure I guess I never see him too much. I don't I don't watch the news too much anymore good I don't either it's it's too depressing. I get it from the podcast by the way Sam Harris new podcast about nuclear war We're all gonna die my sons doomed. We're fucked. Oh really? That's where the Pakistan thing came from Umar anyways, so umar is that the live-tuesday stories?

Well, hasn't about the nooks see what his parents are doing hot dog Duke Nuke Yeah, who is that video game video game guy? He he was mean and tough and he killed aliens Did you ever play any of the shooty things? I gave it about eight minutes and then I jerked off I never gave a shit about why I like Contra on Nintendo. Oh, I didn't join that cuz you got a big gun You kept getting bigger guns. Contra was fun double dragon a bobo you had to fight a bobo bobo that was his name right Chuck you're a nerd a bobo double dragon. I think he was in a Bobo or oh bobo I think it's oh Bobo. Can we get a Google on that? I think that's an instrument. Oh, oh, yeah, but this is oh Bobo. Oh, I wish instrument. I see a Bobo. Oh, I don't know

Bobo. I think he was in a blood diamond look up double dragon nemesis. I think it's a Bobo Okay, you kicked him in the face double dragon. We have a contra no, I switched from double dragon And then you kicked him in the face. Wait, double dragon, what happened to Contra? No, I switched from double dragon. Contra was double dragon. Contra was guns, double dragon was kicks. Ah, got it, got it. I'm pretty sure.

It would be like you and me walking around kicking people and then the last guy, he was a big muscle head named Obobo. I remember now, okay. But I could be, am I onto something here? He's like, yeah, a bobo. Yeah, baby. A-B-O-B-O. A-B-O-B-O. A-B-O-B-O.

He's a recurring enemy in the Double Dragon series. He's what ethnicity. He's brownish. Oh, he's probably like Somalian or something. No, he's not muskish. He's depicted as a shirtless tall bald strong man. He looks pretty dark. That's next to me.

I think he's like Guardians of the Galaxy guy a little bit. But that's a good guy. Yeah, what's that guy's name? What attracts? No, Guardians of the galaxy Yeah, the guy the beast day But he said He's like Batista, but whatever I see but he had a big I think he had like jeans and no shirt and he would cock you on the head. Yeah, that was big. A bobo.

That was pretty much every video game villain. What a poll. Now it's RFK Jr. jeans no shirt. Hey folks, Tuesday's of the store is brought to you by Better Help. Everybody needs advice sometimes. Therapy is an amazing way to talk about your emotions, get the advice you need, and grow into a better version of yourself. Better helps online therapy is

incredible and it's so easy to get started. Just take a short quiz to get matched with a licensed therapist and get ready to have someone who's on your team. You need a teammate if you need to switch therapist for any reason, you can change it anytime for no additional charge. No questions asked, baby, preguntas. Look, you gotta do therapy. I do it. Joe does it. We love it. Big L. He's our guy. I will say though, it sucks going into the office. It sucks going to meet him. It's a whole hike, especially in this goddamn town. Now you can do it right online and you can pick and it's I'll tell you it's it's always awkward to

fire it there versus leave it there but but this way makes it easy if you don't find the guy you like or the guy you want you mix your match easy peasy this takes all the inconvenience out of therapy Easy peasy this takes all the inconvenience out of therapy So get on better help. It's designed to be flexible convenient and suited for your schedule So you can have your sessions whenever and wherever works for you. You can choose to have video phone or even message your Therapist Wow totally up to you let therapy be your map with better help, visit betterhelp.com slash Tuesdays 10 a. Get 10% off your first month. That's better help HLP.com slash Tuesdays. Betterhelp.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it! Hey folks, Tuesdays and Tuesdays is brought to you by FabFitFun. If you want to give

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That's FabFitFun.com slash Tuesdays FAB FITFUN.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it and save a couple bucks. But any farts, where the fuck are we? I don't even know what's going on here. I don't know, we're off on a bobo. Hot Start, Philly tonight, the special thanks for watching. We're at three and a half million views already over the weekend. Yeah, really killing and brood the algorithm, the internet, everybody loved it.

Really took off. It probably has 11 views. I'm releasing on a Friday and everything changes. It's got to be on the algorithm. Friday night, what do you think? I'm like Friday night and and and and cats is like, what are your knots? Your beast of shit.

You got to release it on a Tuesday. And I said that we did last two on a Friday. And he's like, that's a good point. And then Ari, forget about it it. He's like you got to release the 3 p.m. You fucking asshole I know as a Friday night was a big premiere. That's what I was growing up Friday night It's it's opening night Well our whole lives, you know People watch specials came out on Friday or Saturday and you do it for the fans that you already have to watch. Sure. And then you hope it takes off.

I'm like, 10 p. He's like, that's too late, your father's gay, but I'm like, I care about the Pacific Ocean people. Ah, yes, it's seven of them. Yeah, and 3 a.m. to the Londoners, they'll watch it in the morning. Who knows about the algorithm? Who cares? Maybe no one will watch.

Fuck me, fuck my father. Top of the morning to you, patio Bobo. Bobobo baby, but yeah, no, I think you're fine Ten does feel a smooch late, but hey who's counting and it's on YouTube to live forever like like a lobster or Betty White But you factor in who's going to bed at 10 those aren't the people watching my special tonight it comes out Not on the Friday. I'll tell you that and everyone's like all summer the weekends no one's doing shit Here's a little bit of a let you in a little secret. True, true. Nobody doing nothing.

You got that right. Everyone's at home. And you go, even when they go on vacation, people are in the St. Bart's. They're fucking looking at their phone. Watching us go, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. All right, right, look at Dad and the commercial. People watch, they're watching.

No, but it's not like fucking 1958. They're going to get the Saturday evening post and go into a matinee and kiss in their parents. No, they're at home. They're watching nobody. It's like fucking 1958. They're going to get the Saturday evening post and go into a matinee and kiss in their parents No, they're at home. They're at home. They're doing another everybody streaming everybody's Netflix and chill That's all it is no one's fucking yeah exactly. I mean you got college footballs Saturday night NFL Sunday night Vice or UFC sat there. That's time one o'clock in the morning. All very late. Yes, so you have a point 10 is not bad 11 p.m. Friday night people are staying up and seven p.e. people are home So we'll see I'm probably wrong every single instinct I have is incorrect

You got that true, but also you go out you have a drink you come back you go. Oh, oh, well wonky I could use a chuckle sticking on by the, by the way, my legs are so dry. You ever get this? Oh, you get the legs, Emma. I was, they're so dry, I was itching my leg with my shoe. Yeah, I could see it. And then it like scabbed over, I ripped my leg up. This is like the recovery.

I've done that, because that can spread, Fattie. You gotta watch out. Spread, no, this is like a scar. I know, but it can spread. Spread what? Spread the, the, the butter. I mean you got to be careful You just don't want to keep scratching it because it'll just it'll get infected and grow. Ah, yeah, so leave it be well last night I put some

Moisturizer I see follow moisturize because my legs are just very dry. I don't do moisturize your legs I see people doing moisturizing everything women do that. I see a lot of black women, cocoa butter, my lady does it. She wants to be black, but no, no leg. I don't wash my feet either. I don't do anything below the knee. Feet look like hell. It looks like I've been running through the forest with a slave. The feet are one of the four or five body parts

you actually have to walk. No. It's feet, armpit, armpit genitals hand face Everything else is fine. I'm in a good trip off of quite you feet stink That's like the number one stinky stinky feet. I'm up here. I don't notice I had somebody ruin a couch I don't want to say who they stay at my house back in the day and the couch. We had to throw it in the track No, I'm telling you feet stink. Was it me? Feet no, okay, if you can call my roommate Samoa in a bunch, which was him very much hurt his feelings

What? I wrote me in Samoa and it's a great cookie. Well, he's not Samoa. Wow, all right, but you call me Chinese I'm not going off the handle. You Samoa I'm gonna polish Bobo, that was a thing But any fun. Yeah, feet the bot the feet are a stinky stink conductor all the You got there right there. Soak then feet are a stinky stink conductor. All the stuff. You got everything there. There's soaked in feet or a go-to must wash.

And Salvo Kano is bigger to him. He hit me to his, I'll repeat a sock. I'll wear a sock till the cows go home. Same. He's like, that's gonna fuck your shoe. Cause now you got a sticky sock in your shoe and it's just breeding, jizz and bacteria. Your shoes are fucked.

Well, he's a little cuckoo though, with the germs and all that stuff. Okay, good. Yeah, but yeah, I've done the same thing. I wear a sock, I go by like feel. I'm like, I put that on at 4p, didn't work out. Ah, I'll double up in the sock. Yeah, and I got to cool it with the sock jizz

because my socks are crunchier than a bag of cereal. I'm all paper towel with the jizz. And in the hotel, I get the full bath towel. I really wipe and swipe and when you mistake it It's no good. Oh, yeah, when you reuse it later. Yeah, with the peat you get the dominoes delivery and then you wipe the Sausage I got extra sauce and I rip it with extra come and forget about it. I made ranch Yeah, I'll put the towel down. It's like a runway. And I just, my dick's like an airplane. And you shoot all over it. It's a good time.

I even got the little guy going, he waves me in. How grateful are you for masturbation? No, I mean, what would you life me without that? It saved lives. I think if these school shooters were yanking a little more, we might have some less dead casualty kids. I love a yank. I still yank not as much as I used to of course Yeah, you doodle. Dandy. Sometimes I prefer a yank over a bang

Yes, I see you know what you mean Patrice had that great joke He's like the whole time I'm fucking a woman. I'm just thinking I'm looking forward to jerking off to this Yeah It's like you don't have to deal with the feeling and like if I'm doing okay. Letting her down, not getting her off, her waking up, whatever it is. Yes, I mean, it's just as soon as she's got your, if I yourself independent, you can really enjoy that jerk. You can enjoy the jerk, I ain't nobody home jerk.

Yeah, I wanna really get in there. Did he invent who that? Who that? Chris Ryan, that jerk doesn't he say, or Did he invent who that? Who that? Chris Ryan, that joke doesn't he say, or does he say who there, who that? Who there, who there, who there. Oh, you've got to do that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, well who that is the saints, and I think they had that since the 70s. What is that? Who that, it's Cajun kind of Creole black, hebonic speak of like who's that gonna say, they're gonna beat them saints? So they, they just got shortened, who'd that? Who's that saying they're gonna beat them saints?

That's how they talk down there. Who's that saying they're gonna beat them saints? Oh, I see. Oh, it's the, the Packers, uh, who'd that? They got shortened. Oh, that stinks. Well, you know, vernacular, I didn't invent it. That's, that's, that's, that's,. Oh, that stinks. Well, you know vernacular. I didn't invent it Let it come on and it's part of the vernacular. They have zeitgeist because then the bangles have who day

Who's who daddy who day is they gonna beat the bangles? Who day? I don't know who day and Kusay Who do you I don't know I don't know I think those are Umars cousins, but I don't know, but I think they say who day. I don't know where that started. Give a who day a go. Give me a mind. I think it's an ad but where does it come from when did it start? What if it was before who'd that? That would be oh god don't tell me that that would really devastate some people and give me a year It's from the bangles. How did it start? What did I get? Good man. Good man. All right. All right. Who day? All right who day get on that? Yeah, who day? What day is it? Oh geez my dad's birthday tomorrow. Is that right? Yeah, 76. You got a birthday coming up, the big one.

Big 4-0. Ooh! I know, real kicked to the jugular. Ah, jeez. Jex got something. So I guess there was a beer company called Huda Pool, like Huda Pool. Huda Pool. E-P-O-H-L.

And they would shout, Hody, whoody at the game to say we're selling beer. And then it kind of changed to who day in the state of the first thing. Oh, it's a weird thing. What year? It looks like the 80s. All right, we're okay.

Who day? I think that little was Saddam's kid though, who day in Kusai. Kusai. Yeah, yeah, you got to use a. I was in another Depaul joke, he goes to some stand at the best western. This is the best, I hate to say the worst.

You see the gym at this thing, it looks like who day in Kusai's rape room. Broom, broom, broom, broom. Funny guy, no one's giving him more love on a pod than us. Funny guy, well, now he's the greatest and you know, a little rough around the edges, but funny as a guy, I've all done.

To add in a Huda and Kuse reference about a best western is that takes a special kind of brilliance. Very funny and, and rape room is just, it's funny. Well, the idea of making a room, you know, like this will be the nursery, this is the living room. This is the rape room. Yeah. And it's got one of those big balls in it

and some dumbbells. Right, right. Those are the bands. You've got to stretch before the old pillage. Yeah. What is a pillage? I don't know a pillage and I don't know a plunder quite frankly. A plunder. Yeah. The land down plunder. I do think it's rapy though. I can't be good. I think pillage is stabbed and plunder is rape or vice versa. Hmm, I believe. I'm not good. Anticole Smith was on a lot of pillage. Because I believe the Missette Minnesota Vikings, they are next, they're gonna get it next.

No, once we move on from the Native Americans, watch out. I think the Vikings are right, because they're white. And you're white, look at the fight in Irish. That's another more offensive than a drunk midget with his dukes up, but his hat crooked and he's ugly, and he's short. But there's been pushback on fighting Irish. Oh there has yeah Jimmy done used to have a joke He goes yeah, let's say we're gonna get rid of fighting Irish and then they said you change our name We're gonna beat the fuck out of you fucking home. Oh, my god, that's fun. But any parts but Viking it's alluding to rape

I'm not saying I'm offended. I'm saying that that's gonna be next. And you heard it here first. Yeah, it's tough, cause you don't see a Viking. There's no Viking on the side of the highway going, hey, Viking, Viking, trying to get a nickel here. Like you still see a Native American. I know, but don't you see it's different. They're not canceling the redskins

because they scalped people. The cancel, it's two different cancellations. Right, right. What is like you're off they scalped people. It's two different cancellations. Right, right. What is like you're offending these ancient people, the other is you're celebrating people that raped. Ah, I got it, got it. That's what I'm saying. I see.

But again, I'm not, again, people are gonna write to me and be like, Vikings, are you fucking eating? I know. No, I'm not saying me, I'm saying them. They're gonna go away, I mean, they're gonna be sitting around bored not having sex not Socializing and go let's go after these Vikings, but not to be a cleaf and a Jew here, but the the

That was Kusay's cousin cleafed you, but the Animals rape each other and every every team is an animal lying a tiger a bangle Bronco birds rape Dolphins Great this well that's down there. I just 20 years down the road that's coming to the dolphins because you got to keep the the wheel rolling That's very good. Hey, I got a dolphin. Oh, I'm impressive What was that? Chewbacca? I see I thought it was an elephant That's very good. Hey, I got a dolphin. That's impressive. That's me.

What was that? Chewbacca. I see. I thought it was an elephant. Hey, there it is. That's pretty good. All right. A lot of people have... The ears probably heard after that one.

Oh, somebody called in or messaged me, said, when you go to the ads, there's a beep, and he said it hurts his ears every time. Oh, yeah. What is the beep in the ads? What are you talking about? I told him I'd do it. Did you watch? It's your watch, it's the watch beep.

And when I see, yeah, when they go to the transition of the ads, he goes, we use it as the transition. I'm saying, when we came up with that, you loved it. I don't hate it, it's just some guy message. So I said I'd tell you. I could be quiet. Are you ever spliced that video of me kicking this off?

I have it, yeah, I have the video. Got it. That wasn't clean. That was all right. It's a gift. There it is. Put that with the other. Make that a gift nerds out there.

Get on it. Clevy. Uh, I guess we should get into a story. Did I tell you the joke about the gorilla and the lion? Uh, no. You want to, can I do a joke? Please. I got one after you. I think people would like the joke.

All right, so there's this lion, he's chasing the fox through the jungle. You see, or a mouse maybe. Okay, it's the mouse, cat and mouse. It's a shitty lion, is he going after a mouse? Wow, it's a snack, it's like a Dorito to him. I get him, one Dorito, give me a, give me a, wildebeest.

Wow, it's the jungle, I don't know. Okay. He's got a wildebeest after, this is a snack, who knows, he loves mice. Okay. Fox better, you want to do Fox? Well yeah, I don't know, Fox and Lions are hanging. Well, it's not hanging, he's chasing. But I'm in the same region.

Not sure. I don't think so. Well, whatever, it's a lion and a fucking thing. Alright, we're gonna put a little creature. Okay, okay, maybe a rabbit. He's chasing him, he's running, the little mouse thing runs down his hole. Now, the lion runs full speed, he crushes his head

into the hole. I see. And he gets stuck there. He's like shoulder deep into the hole, trying to catch the mouse thing. Okay, okay. Now, a big gorilla comes around, the gorilla sees the lion, the king of the jungle,

stuck with his ass in the air. Perfect. Now the gorilla he likes to have sex, don't we all? Yes, yes, sex. The gorilla says, hey, you know what, I'm gonna have a little sex here. Lips the lion's tail. I've heard that he got- He fucks the lion right in the ass hole. Yeah.

The whole time the lion he's stuck in there going, hey, when I get out of here, I'm gonna find you. You fucking gorilla, you can't be fucking me in the ass. Yeah. And the gorilla's a little nervous because he's like, you know, the lion could kill him. Sure. when i get out of here i i i i i i find you you fucking gorilla you can't be fucking me in the ass yeah and uh... the grill is a little nervous because he's like you know the lion can kill him sure so the gorilla finishes pulls out comes on his back and takes off and he knows the lines gonna get out now that he's

loosened up yes come on his back yeah yeah help the the slippery gives you strength so the gorilla goes takes off running finds a group of humans camping in the jungle. Oh yeah. And he says, hey, Betty scares them off, and he grabs some stuff for theirs to hide from the lion. He gets a hat, he puts on his hat, he puts on a pair of reading glasses.

One of them was reading the newspapers, we grabbed the newspaper, grabbed a pipe, and he's sitting there. A few minutes later, the lion comes roaring through, and he and he says hey have you seen a big gorilla run through the gorilla low is the newspaper and he said the one who was fucking the lion the ass and the lion says it's already in the paper ah it's great it's great gold that's fun that's a class and that's in a movie too I can't remember which movie I don't know have you heard this now? We might have to edit this one out because it's a little offensive

What did he edit? Well, it's not my joke and it's it's one of these jokes you tell at the the barber shop, you know So so we'll believe we'll believe all right, so bus You got to tell your kid who's smoking he's got to put that out for you get's on Not like you get we can't have this Is that no good you what are you out of your mind? Well, that's not my joke this thing We were doing bits I mean this is I mean this is We can't get kicked out of the office that'll do it

Neighborhood that is no good. We can't have this in there. All right, cuz the family show for all things Holy she cut out certain parts, so maybe they can you know put it together, but it ain't my joke Yeah, that is a Daniel Simons in original so give give that a whirl Oh my lord. No good. I didn't think that was that offensive. Good. Great. So silly. Well, I don't know about that. Well, we had a good run. 10 years of podcasting the story is brought to you by first leaf. When you walk into a wine store before a party, you choose a random bottle based on how cool the label looks, right? Let's be honest, we all judge a bottle by the label. If you're tired of having no idea what the hell you're buying or what type of wine do you even like, it's time to try first leaf, first leaf delivers personalized wine boxes straight to your doorstep. Holy

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Sergeant Robert Patton, sorry, this is the most comfortable underwear you'll ever put on. They were created to withstand the sweltering heat of the Iraqi desert. Ha, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, promo code 2's gays get sheath underwear support your balls Yeah, but yeah good good joke not mine and I even butchered it quite a bit but That newspaper is that's a humdinger. That's fine. Well the idea of guerrilla with reading glasses and a paper is very fun Well, what's crazy is somebody to think of that somebody was in a little apartment going Oh, yeah, the paper how am I gonna how am I gonna wrap this thing up? It's really fascinating You don't know the origin of these jokes these old stories and and gags and things and yeah

And there's so many good little quips like who's the first guy to go is that clear crystal? Somebody in the think of that. Yeah, that's pretty good. You know, and I'm not saying that's the most brilliant thing on the planet But it's stuck it's something it's something Wow. I have something so I was in LA. Yeah, I love LA I got your LA fever. I was there and you're just like God air is crisp I mean when you get through the smog the fentanyl skid row and Homeless jizz there's something about the plant the, it's smell, there's a smell to LA. There's something, yes. There's devilish smell, there's a feel,

the air is fresher, and the sun is setting with the palm tree and the mountains and the twinkle, twinkle of the buildings and the distance. So I had a, I had one improv, one store, one improv, one store. Okay. That was my usual night. And I love Emily, I love the whole Rita. The improv. They're all good eggs. Couldn't be nicer. And it's a good group of them. You got

Lauren Peak, Jeremiah, Shultz was in town, Santino, Tim Dillon, Joey Avery. We just had a good. That's a great group. Good group, a gaggle, a Nikki Glazer was around. Adam Ray, you know, Brad Williams. It's just, it's fun. I actually want to go to LA. We should get a couple of us pack up and go to LA. Faheem's out there, you know, and so I would do the thing where I go. All right, I'm on at the improv at 840 and they generally run pretty good on time unless like a like a daincook type shows up.

Then you got a store at 9.48 or whatever. So I'm like, wow, I got an hour between sets. I'll walk it. 20 minute walk, beautiful night podcast go on. Maybe listen to the set, see the city, go to those neighbors. Every home is beautiful, weird architecture, lawns, fountains, cool cars.

You know, I love it. I love it. West Hollywood a beautiful place. Beautiful. And we don't get to see that You don't get to see a driveway every every 10 seconds in New York. No, it's just a better quality of life Maybe we should just pack up and head out there. We'll have valley kids. It'll be like the sandlot. Oh Sandlot Sandlot. Yeah, no Forever

Squints. Yeah, squints. Okay, so or a ver. Squints? Yeah, squints. Okay. So, uh, Chuck loves it. Yeah, that's a great movie. That came out,

well, it came out right in that gooey virgin years that I needed it. Yeah, you were 10, I was 11, it was right in our wheelhouse. Perfect. You know what I realized that years later that I was just reading about it,

there's, a lot of people are critical, that's quite derivative of other movies. Oh yeah. Stand by me, I think very similar to that. Oh, and other movies. Oh yeah. Stand by me, I think, very similar to that. And I guess. I would put in that genre, I don't know if it's,

maybe they, it felt like they took a little piece of everything and made their own movie. Yeah, it's like the kids in a tree house, the whole thing. It's also weird that they're like, yeah, I don't wanna go off in the stand lot. But then he's like, no one ever rep... When someone moved away, we never replaced him.

But then you're like, but that's how you get in. Ah. They added you. Right, right, good point. The whole story is about how they brought you in and it changed your whole life. And then you're like, but then every one time someone moved, we wouldn't bring in a new guy.

And you're like, well, someone else could have had your life. Yeah, I don't know if I need... I don't know if I need somebody tearing up the sandlot. Yeah, well, it's... You know, I just, I gotta move on with my life. I can't nitpick the sandlot. It's too, it's, you know, I just, I gotta move on with my life. I can't nitpick the sandlot. It's too, it's too much. No, it's kind of stinks a little bit.

All right, it's a kids movie. Dennis Leary's in it for some reason. Um, it's fun. I remember radio flyer was to dark. A little dark. Remember that one? Radio flyer. Yeah, a little bit.

I never got behind that one. Yeah. It was on TV every eight minutes. So that one was like, oh, then Tom Hanks shows up at the end. I love James Earl Jones in the sand, Leisler. Oh, he was great. George.

He was blind. He could hit the temple and the lights went out. That's the way I played the game. Yes. But it's a good little metaphor for life, the big dog, and then you're scared of it all day, every day. Straight from Stan Byme by the way.

The junkyard dog, that's the big dog, he's scary, it turns out he's not so scary, he's small. Exactly Stan Byme. Yeah, all right, all right. And then they do the scene from Cool Hand Look. That's more of a tribute. Uh, which one's that? Well, Cool Hand Look, they have the wash in the thing,

and like she knows what she's doing. Oh, that's more of like a smooth parody homage. Yes. But the dog in the tree house, the in the 50s and the thing Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay play like a girl. It was fun windy peppercorn very hot very hot good time Sex me a solzer they have nine kids. That's fun. Oh, yeah, that was a better time What the fuck was my last angel is you're in last and you got one spot at the improv one spot at the store Yeah, walk it you see the neighborhood. You got a walk it and you we got the gaze out there. Oh, absolutely

That's gay country West Hollywood is the capital of the gays big gay. Yeah, but it's a twos gay super gay Who day and who gay and it was just a great time and just And who gay and it was just a great time and just love it and I you can tell that Emily who runs the joint She's like happy. We're there. She's like good come over. Let's let's mend this New York LA horse shit do some sets Bring some people in get the gaze out. Here's a cocktail and we had a great old time and we're just cutting it up And I love that back behind the main room, green room. Yes. That's a special place. That feels like rock and roll. Yes.

I mean, that's so much coke done there. Oh, oh. Prior shot a special back. I mean, it's insane. Richard Breyer was hanging out in the red suit, getting ready to go out there, shoot the special. Crazy, hitting a woman, doing a line, lighting his hair on fire,

and you got that little gold or dust that silver piano back there. It's like a little mirror table piano. And I did say I'm triply show. That's like a weed bartender. It feels like show business. You know, like, we love the seller. It's great, but the seller's grit and New York

and David Tell and smoking and, you know, the city and hobos and jizz. LA, that red sheer curtain with the comedy store, lit up neon and just the glitz and the glamour of it, the red neon lights all over the place, the booths, it feels like you're in, you made it. It does, it really feels like you're in showbiz. People have deals and things and shows and films

and it's just, it's very exciting, the mountains and that smells. Yes, I love that vagina. The warm the breeze on your on your bare skin. It's it's really a Special place and I've said since the get-go. I love that city. It's a great city It's a great city and feels like people live there in New York almost has We got the Queens it feels like people live there, but New York City like the Manhattan and all that shit, like the hip Brooklyn areas, Tribeca. It feels like people will come in, live for 10 years and get the fuck out.

Yes. LA feels like people who live there, they're from there, they work there and they die there. Let's go to LA. We'll go to the Valley. We'll live in Burbank, we'll have boys, you know? I love the Valley. We'll play baseball and fuck them.

Yeah, it's a good time, but uh love LA So I got I got sick and tired of this question. This is the biggest question LA and it's it's not mean, but they go How long do you hear till? Every single comic asked me that so you know what I did. This is where I'm a cunt I got a name tag that says hello my name is you know that one and I just wrote wrote Saturday. And everybody go, walk out to me and they go, when you hear it till I go, I couldn't take it anymore. I was so pissed. You hate how you feelin' and I like it.

I hate it here too. I hate how you doin', what's shaking, what's new. I got nothin' new. Well people, they wanna know if you can do their thing. That's what it is. That's what it is. They wanna go, oh, you can get a mind thing. Whatever.

It's sometimes a take as you're like, no, I booked all the things I wanna book. Exactly. That's what it is. They want to go, oh, you can get him, I say whatever. It's sometimes a tank as you're like, no, I booked all the things I want to book. Exactly. I'm out on things. So I had a nice move. I feel a little guilty about it, but I was doing literally three pods there. I'd wake up, hung over, go to Steve O,

go to Bobby Lee, go to Santino, next day, wake up, go to Bert, go to Howie Mandel, whatever it is. So one guy hits me up and he's a cool guy nice guy funny guy He goes can you do my pod and I was like I don't want to say no, but I'm just wiped and I'm like I really have no no more room and he's like what if we do it after shows like he's really getting kind of like Yeah, what do we like I got three shows tonight? I'm not gonna be done on midnight Well, I can get a studio at one and I'm like, oh my god. So I go, how about this?

I'll do the pod, but you gotta do it at my hotel and he goes, I'll see you next time here in LA. Okay, all right. So, okay, so you want me to do the pod, be it not willing to come to me. Right, it's tough, it's a skill that it takes some work, but you gotta be like, no, not interested. I know, but I feel begs I like the guy,

and it's almost like this slap on the face, it's almost a rejection to a guy I like. I hear you, but you're like, I'm too busy, I'm just too busy, and that's acceptable. If he likes you and he's nice, he should be accepting and you're like, I don't feel like doing that. You're right, you're gonna do that. I got too much going on. I've done 48 pause

Well, that was a silent leaker. I see fell out before I even got there. It was a chaplain But yeah, I think sometimes you just kind of be like I can't do it. I'm sorry Yeah, I got it. I need something for myself. I know I know because I have that thing where I have a hole in the calendar Like a free space. I'm like oh, I'm free But you realize you're tired from the thing before and you got something after you got to get to right You know you never think about that part, or I don't yeah. But you realize you're tired from the thing before and you got something after it, you're gonna get to. Right. You know, you never think about that part, alright, don't. Yeah. And you probably don't have something free,

just something you didn't write down. Probably that as well, yeah. I could be also. But I will say, nothing better than getting blotto plastered, wasted, smashed, banged up, three sheets of the wind, half in the bag, and walking right to that ziggy. I'm like and walking right to that Ziggy. I'm like, bouncing off the walls, I'm like, Biden, and I just go to the hotel and block away.

I love the Ziggy, I'm all about the Zig. What's annoying with the Zig is it feels like you can go right across the street, but you gotta go to that crosswalk. You can get fucked and killed, you life will end. I mean, late at night, you can kind of do a, a Sprint, like a Frogger. Right. But at 7P, you're fucked, it is. It's wild out there. You get a pool view? No, no pool view, but I did get in the pool. You gotta get the pool view.

Really? Really? Do a sandy peppercorn, whatever her name is. You can really rub one out to these pool people. That's true. Do love the pool people. Yeah, you gotta get down in there and you're gonna pretend you're looking for your son.

You're like, it sees down there somewhere. Oh, titties. You know. Yeah, I have that view. I love that hotel and I can't wait to go back. Yeah, it's a good time. There's even a pool balcony. I would sit out there and do work.

Yeah, it's nice. Great, great time. So what's the big pods? You did all those pods, Bobby Lee, Scoopily Boop. How about this, Steve O? I hired a publicist and this guy, I don't wanna say too much, but he just got a divorce. So he's like, his whole life is into this publicist thing now.

Cause he, we had no gigs, he lives at the back at home with his mom. He's just miserable and he's like, how about this? I'll be your publicist. I'm like, here you go, you're hired. Get me on this, this, this, and this, and he goes, I'll pick you up. So every day, he would pick me up at like nine

and we drive to Howie Mandel, we do it. He'd sit there. We drive to Trash Tuesday, do it. He'd sit there. We drive to Bobby Lee and he's like, all right, it's 6.30. Let's get you back to your hotel and I go to shows. Wow. So it was a full-time job, Jerry

Then you know you get out of the pot you have 800 texts you go back you try to answer them all with the guy in his car And a sweet guy I started sending him on errands because he would sit there during you know Leanne Christchurch podcast and I'm like, ah I lost my sunglasses and I give him a hundred bucks Like can you buy me sunglasses and you would go get it. Wow, that's nice. It's a sweet guy, but he said nothing going on. And then every word is truck. And we're driving around. I was like, ooh, fish tacos.

He goes, my wife love fish tacos. My ex-wife. And you're like, oh shit. It was like that Chris Rockbait. You take a left with that bitch. Everything brought it back to the way. I'm like, oh, I love the palm trees. Yeah, my wife, my ex-wife love palm trees.

You're like his publicist. I know, I know. I should have met up with the wife and got them back together. Well, yeah, I could, at the three ponds in a day, I keep doing it. It's just brutal. And like, I always talk about this. The hardest part of the podcast is you finish

and you got like 14 texts. Yes. You start responding to those and then right up you respond to those. You start another podcast. Yes. And then they respond to your response. It never ends.

It never ends, Jerry. That notification makes me, it triggers me. I'm excited. And then you start going, I would do on my third one, you're just like winded and annoyed and your brain's kind of fried and you start being two yourself. I'll tell that bus joke all over town, just cause I'm out of stuff. Like the Vikings are awesome. Whatever it is, and I just got to real.

Yeah, yeah, it happens. And then everything's recorded, and you're like, I'm saying too much. I know. It's really, it's a lot. I know, then it's like prior, where you're like, it kind of gets good to me. You know, I'm like, oh, fuck it.

I will say some crazy shit. I don't care anymore. You get that jolt, but then it's all prior where you're like, it kinda gets good to me. You know, I'm like, oh fuck it, I will say some crazy shit. I don't care anymore. You get that jolt, but then it's all bad, because it lives forever. It's all pipes and, yeah, it's wild. And then you think, now it's like, I'm having a son. He's gonna, he's gonna be 14 and woke

and have a scooped up hair with purple earrings. And he's gonna be like, you said, fuck in this word, that word, that word, you said you wanted to suck me off. Yeah, you're pro dolphins Yeah, what the hell? Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Yeah, I don't know, but I'm also gonna be like enjoy that swimming pool because all that shit paid for it Exactly a bobo bitch. Yeah, you'll have her own personal a bobo coming to beat him But this not gonna matter cuz it's a nuclear war Sam Harris said it. Yeah, well AI AI will kick in and it'll invent so many things that whatever we say will be moot. It'll be old news.

Yeah, and it'll murder us. Oh, yeah. Hopefully. What can you do? So where you been? I've been all over. I was, I went to Providence. I didn't even talk about this.

According to Chuck, I didn't mention Providence. Great city, Rhode Island. Oh, Providence. Great city, Rhode Island. I love Providence. But a nice Rhode Island magnet, it says so much potential. Now that's funny. That's a funny magnet. Great magnet.

Great slogan for a state. Hell of a magnet magnet. But I like this sort of. Well I walked around with Matt Wayne. We went over to the school, Brown University, Brown versus Board of Education. We walked around, we found some new, neighborhood I'd never seen before near Brown called

something point Something I don't know what it was called near Brown I phage it was a walk away from Brown point pigeon point ah Blow my point. Okay, something point and shoot point and click What's the point? That's a good point. This is pointless. I forget. But anyways, we had a great time over there. And then great sale. I sold the fuck out of those shows. New England sold over a thousand tickets. Every show was packed. They redid the whole club. They took a bar out added more seats. Good for them. We used them, baby. That bar was a little clinky clanky if I can be so bold. It was, and they put it in the vault.

Now, it's like its own space. There's no air-conditioning. It's like 100, the bartenders come out, and they're just drenched and sweat. It looks like, you know, airplane. Right, so where is the green room? Still in the same spot. Oh, okay.

Then the vault. Sorry, it's not a vault. They made like a new thing. They used to be staged, right? They used to be seats back there in the corner.. Okay. Then the vault. Sorry, it's not a vault. They made like a new thing. They used to be stage right. They used to be seats back there in the corner. They built a service bar. Oh, okay, got it.

It's great. So thanks to Corey and Dave. I've been going to that club for 20, I saw Dave a tell there in 2003. Right before he did, Skanks with the memories. Same material. My friend Mike Liri on his 21st birthday.

He went down there. And here I am, head landing, selling out the whole thing. That was exciting. That's cool. But then Saturday night, maybe it was Friday night, Friday night. I get up there and there's this lady who was a bitch. I think she might be a fan. She might hear this, kind of hot, by the way.

Her and her friend a little bit attractive. Okay, well these attractor ladies can sometimes be the yapiest. Yeah. So she goes up and I do this whole bit about Picasso and how I thought he was Italian and she goes, well, it's the last name, Enzeneval, it's Italian. And I say, what?

Seems like you've never heard of Japan and that got a big blast of clap. That's good. Where's that clip? And I said, we're working on it. It's a big stuff. I got a good laugh. I was brought of that one.

And then I go, you know, something something I was kept joking about how the specials coming out you guys came on a bad week I have no material. You should have just waited for the special. Let's how I'm opening the shows I like it and I go I got maybe eight minutes of material here and she goes well, how long are you doing? How long how long you up there? And so then the security guy goes to like talk to her, but I was like, I don't know, 50 minutes, 55, I've been up for 10, so 45 more minutes. And she's getting to talk to him answering earnestly. Yeah. Whatever. And then about 25 minutes later, she gets up to go to the bathroom and I went, how long will you be shitting? How long will you shit take? And that was a mistake because they had been quiet. And then her friend went,

oh, that's crazy. And then when she came back, they started chatting. They got yelled at again. And then she stands up and she goes, they said I'm making a scene. It's so funny. Wow. Well, you are making a scene. That's exactly what a scene is.

You're standing up and yelling and hiling. So then they kicked her up, but they were like, they were fighters these women, because no one's gonna hit a woman. You got that? Well, Chris Brown. Yeah, a couple people, I guess. Ike Turner.

Chris Brown versus Board of Education. So they shoved him out and then you see like more in Chris Brown University. So you see more employees, that would be Alabama school. No, that's school slaps. So all these people keep running out, it's a whole thing and then after they're like, she's still out there.

And then there's part of me that was like, maybe I can have a threesome with these two female hecklers. That would kick them in. And then I'd kick them in. Yes. maybe I can have a threesome with these two female hecklers. That would kick down and then I kick them in. Yes. The hotel and, you know, I like it. Who's heckling now, you know. Great way to end the clip.

That's the threesome. Play with the clip. But, uh. You can't find the clip. That was fun. But all in all, the shows were amazing. Wayne kicked ass. And then we had the drive back after the late show Saturday

you wake up in your bed Sunday morning. That's a great feeling. What is it two and a half? Maybe an hour and change with the no traffic. Three something. Okay. It's a haul up there. But not bad at home at three in the morning put Matt in the lift. Great times. Good oldies. Don't you feel cool putting the opener in the lift? I got the lift. Oh, of course It's great. Love that feeling throw some extra cheese and a couple bananas and a couple I know bucks and then I went off to Portland back to back weekends Providence Portland To killer weekend something's bubbling. It's bubbling It's exciting. You're cooking baby everywhere. Sold out hadn't shows putting out specials It's popping baby. So come out, hadn't chose. Pinnout specials.

It's popping, baby. So come be part of the ride. Providence, you know, we sold a thousand tickets there. We sold over a thousand in Portland. That was fun. I love that club. Great club. And of course, Derek and Erica, of Derricka, friends, they came down from Seattle.

And I had Monas there. So we had a whole family hang. Me, Monas, Derrick, Erica, the two kids, and he's a local cleave for that Monas. That's the best move I ever made because Portland last year I was there and I love Portland. I've always loved it So last year I go and I'm like I'm gonna go head to Powell's and do some record shopping by some books There you go. And I go out and it looks like night of the living dead The sequel. I mean, yeah, zombie land out there. It ain you go. And I go out and it looks like Night of the Living Dead, the sequel. I mean, it's a zombie land out there.

It ain't pretty. Nope, nope. And every two days I got an article sent to me. Portland's gone to hell. They got the atomic bomb now. There's 58 homeless in the hotel room. I would tell them. Yeah.

So I got Luke coming. He's from Portland, born and raised, and on the playground is where he's been most of his days. So he says, I know, I'm going to take you to some places. He's going to be and raised, and on the playground is where he spent most of his days. Ah. So he says, I know, Port, I'm gonna take you to some places. He's gonna be over the alphabet district. Have you been over there? I don't believe I have. I'm more of a numbers guy.

Well, I got some fun facts, Matt Growning. Oh, it's the Portland. Lovejoy. And every single street is a character. You've got a quimbee and lovejoy and flanders. He's a whole street named all the characters after the streets, but now they're so iconic that you're like, in your mind,

you're like, all these streets are named after simpsons. Of course, yeah, flips. So it's a beautiful neighborhood. We hiked a park. I can't remember the name of it. Some forest park. I see. He claimed it was the largest urban park.

They claimed themselves like one of. Well, I hope not too urban. But we really went up Keep urban we went up and hiked everywhere the next day I ran and then Derek and the family came down So we all went out for ice cream together look joy. We had Mexican food and ice cream. Oh, that's nice It was really a great hang we hit that pool. We're in the pool to the hot tub the hot tub of the pool Wow, you're gonna pool Derek in the hotel. Wow, you got a pool, Derek? In the hotel. Oh, oh, no hotel, I see.

That was really something. Then we drive up to Ging Harbor, where he lives. So I've spent a couple days there. Last hang with him and the kids without my own kid. Ah. That's crazy. You got to do the thing where you're like, well next time I see all, I'll have my son with me.

Wow, you're blowing my tits. It's jarring. Wow, you're blowing my tits. It's jarring. Wow, that is wild. So they were driving up, we were all in the fucking big SUV. The kids were in the way back, Eric is back there, Derek's driving. I'm in the passenger seat, long drive. And I've never seen this before, if I had, I forgot. Motorcycle over here, big fat guy, big fat lady.

That I've seen a lot. Sure. They're driving and the back wheel tire just pops. What? And you see this, the guy's doing like a, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo,, sure, fat people. This is the problem with the motorcycle is, you lose a wheel, end of story. That's it, and you're fat. So you're really riding that rim.

They're on the highway and it blows out and it's like a real like blah, blah, blah, and then bang, down they go right there. I mean, you're so rarely seeing you watch it. And the bike, fortunately, maybe they train and how to fall or whatever, but it didn't land and crush the leg, which as you might expect. They kind of like rolled and did a thing.

It's all happened very fast. Wow. But they both looked okay and like one started to get up and then in the rear view, you can see the guy was on a knee and the woman was up. Whoa, cappernick. But, uh, it was, yeah, he did a little prayer, but it was quite a sight. To see a motorcycle, really.

Hog on a hog, you know, it happens. You can't have, there's a weight limit on that puppy. Yeah, and I guess you blow a wheel and the joke got away. Yeah. What a great visual though, You got to see that. It was pretty cool and luckily, you know, their heads didn't break open or anything and they looked like they're fine.

I'm sure they're okay. Because I think that's a fear, right? The bike lands under the bike. Sure. They call it drop in the bike. Ah. Yeah, but I, this is going to sound horrible, but I wonder if you're overweight,

I feel like you're safer with the falling. You're basically built out of airbags. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, but the airbags are sensitive because your skin is attached. That's true. It's like an airbag with nerve endings. Yeah, that's no good,

but I feel like the bone is further away from the pavement. Well, that was the one thing the lady did have a t-shirt on. And so you're like, that's gonna be some road rash, for sure. Which hopefully, if that's the worst case, then you're okay, that's nice. Yeah. But it couldn't have been great. I mean, that road rash is such a fucking, you know?

Yeah. Oh God, and they had snowed considerably. Okay. They were probably downed, but still maybe 50 miles an hour. 50's crazy. 45, I mean, it was, they really dumped. I remember being a kid and I saw a guy on a hog and it said, the shirt said, the back of it said,

if you can read this, the bitch fell off. All right. And I guess that boat bitches fell off. I think Julie McCullough had a joke like that. His stepdad had that t-shirt he's like bitches uh... that's pretty funny but you know your mom's a bitch but uh... anyway so that was something and uh... i gotta tell you i got one of

these things where i don't have a lot i mean i went up to the gig harbour we spent two days there i bought some campfire game we had to tell story gives you an action and a in a character Yeah, and you go the sneaky fox and saw jumped in the waterfall and then you make up a story That was really fun. Oh, yeah, but this is a preview of my fucking having a child story So I'm like we really told some stories and laugh We gotta get that kid dittled or something just to kick it up a notch. Yeah, I'll stick a couple digits in them. There you go Well, I just got to say thanks to the people I did the ace theater in LA

Which is a beauty downtown LA is a whole another world. I think that might be where we shot the Netflix thing Oh really I think so it sounds really it's downtown downtown. It's the ace hotel theater It's a united artist. What's we're chaplain and all these guys, you know started their own bullshit Okay, cuz I remember I definitely stayed at the ace hotel Uh-huh is quite a sight and it's only gotten worse down there. Oh, yeah, but I will say like I walked around a little bit And you know you stay over here, but I tried to see it and this night clubs going with a line of hot people Coming out of it and restaurants are full, but then you go two inches this way, and it's like, GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH leaning on a trash bell barrel shooting heroin. Wow. And we're up top and walking around having with cocktails, having a showbiz party.

Damn, can't believe Kanane did that in front of you. Yeah, that's wild. It's a beautiful theater, too. And it's just so crazy. Like Mary Pickford and Charlie Chaplin opened this theater to break away from the Hollywood system because it was oppressive and all that. And then now it's just, it's beautiful

and you walk outside and it's fucking a Wuhan. Wow, yeah, it's a 75,000 homeless I heard. It's almost endless. Woo, wait. Is that wild? That's more than we get of views a week. Yeah, and that's like the Coliseum. It's like everyone goes to see USC play Notre Dame

and then leaves and then just stays in the street. Maybe we should just get all the hobos, put them in this Coliseum. It's like everyone goes to see USC play a Notre Dame leaves and then just stays in the street Maybe we should just get all the hobos put them in this Coliseum and just Lock it up let USC play Yeah, let them play in downtown LA. We'll give them one of the balls. Give the hobos a ball. Let them fight it out Bobo ball Bobo Well, I will figure it out It's gonna come together. Hey, I will save us.

There you go. I can fix the homeless, your cancer, and take our jobs, writing jokes. But, yeah, I don't know. It's one of those week, just a couple of back-to-back nice weekends. You hang with the friends and the family, and you go to the diner, and just a wonderful time. I got no story.

It's a good life. I mean, I know they hate us, but we're at least we and just a wonderful time. I got no story. It's a good life. I mean, I know they hate us, but at least we had a good time. Yeah, it had fun. It made money spectacular. Thanks to everyone that came to Portland and Providence, by the way, really. I mean, great, super gays.

Sold out of shirts. This one really chapped my ass, although. So I was in Spokane a couple of months back with Monus and Derek came to that. Yeah. And you know, Spokane's a tough, that's a tough market. Yeah. Did not sell out of shirts or even come close.

So then I had to stuff them all in a bag. And I was going to LA from there. And you're like, wow, I'm not gonna bring these to LA. I don't have too much luggage and I'm not gonna sell them in LA. Yeah. So Derek was like, I'll take them. And then I was like gonna bring these L.A. I don't have too much luggage and I'm not gonna sell them in L.A. So Derek was like, I'll take them. And then I was like, oh, that's perfect. I'm in Portland in August.

You bring those down. So we do Thursday, Friday, sell out of shirts, clean, good, and I go, no problem. I got backups coming. I left them in Spokane, I got 58 shirts. That's an extra thousand bucks. Hell yeah. Yippee!

And then they show up good to see it We forgot the shirts. Ah So I got you you costing me money you fuck yeah, hey fuck. Yeah, thanks a lot dear. So I'm in Tacoma in January Fingers crossed hopefully ship them That's where he lives ah, I'm ship myself to Tacoma. They live 10 minutes from the club Oh, that's my only hope so these shirts just live there and I'll sell them there. Perfect. All right. Isn't it funny? I remember when in a non-New York person's like, oh, I'll take them.

Because if you gave somebody a man hat in a box of shirts, you would ruin their life. They're gonna take this on the train or get a cab now that you're jerking it and you're yanking it and twisted it, trying to get into buildings and up the stairs. But they can just throw in their trunk. I had a family member say that because we're moving to the two bedroom. So it's like, you don buildings and up the stairs, but they could just throw in their trunk. I had a family member say that because we're moving to the two bedrooms. So I was like,

you don't need an extra bedroom for the kid. They sleep in your room. And I'm like, my house, my vacuum cleaner is in the middle of my floor. It's just a place there. Yeah, I don't have any, you open my closet and just panties, shoot out at your face. I know, I have to save money.

I mean, it's just, I have stuff behind the cow. Yes. Every nut cranny. Yes, the vibrators just in my pocket right now. Right. No place to keep it. Hides in my ass. It's so true. And every time I get a gift like some fans like, Hey, I set you a skateboard, you know, the wife is like, where we're going to put it? I

going to just throw it out the window and a homeless guy goes, Ah, that's it. I know. We have the office too. It's all got now everyone's sending us baby stuff We have a baby registry, so I'm just getting boxes and bot like it looks like Just it looks like downtown LA. It's just boxes and people living in It's true. Oh, I gotta tell you this. I don't know how we're looking Okay, I'll be quick so finally finish, finish with LA, do all the pods, do all the shows, I finally am getting out of there.

So my plan is I'm gonna do in San Diego the next night or that night. So I go, let me rent a car in LA, drive to San Diego. It's a three and a half hour drive down the coast, Southern California, you can't beat it. PCH. Yes, PCP't beat it. PCH. Yes, PCP. Primo.

Uh, so I get the car. They're all, they're all two's games at the enterprise. What? By the way, I'm all enterprise now. Enterprise is the best rental car. They're all two's games and there was no line and the guy goes, we got you right here. Mr. Nomad. And I was like, thank you, sir.

And so I was like, all right, here we go. And I get in the car, was a Mazda Prodigy. Oh. And it was a newer, a new-ish. And it has that dash TV, big TV on the dash. So I, little started up, woo, baby. I said, let me go to Mel's, get old sustenance before the big hall.

Absolutely. So I go to Mel's, you know, it's LA, and I'm eating the Mel's, and I go, you know, it's weird, the TV never came on. Huh, that's weird. All right. But I go, let me eat it Mel's, and I bet it'll turn on. It's like a Nintendo. You just started again, it'll probably work.

Yeah, blow on it, a bobo. Exactly. So, a blow blow. So I start her up after the big diner meal. Woo, I love eating alone at a diner. I got the headphones in. You talking to the right guy? Started up no TV. So I go, God damn it. I just want to hit the road.

I just want to cruise. I got two at the Balboa baby. And I love San Diego. What a town. So I started up no TV. So I go, fuck. It has the air conditioning, the radio, the GPS on it. It's all, I'm getting nothing. It's just a black screen. So I call the place, like I hate to do. We had a good rapport. We all high five.

The TV and the car is not working on the screen. And she goes, oh God, what we're closing in like 30 minutes. So you give, you bring it back. We'll give you a new car. I was like, God. I said, I bet I could just drive it without the TV. Three and a half hour. Here we go. And I said, let me I could just drive it without the TV. Three and a half hour, here we go. And I said, let me play with some knobs here.

Hit the AC, hit the radio. You know, the radio alarm is at the AMPM, nothing. You know, wasn't the AMPM? Yeah, so I'm like, what the hell? So then eventually I hold down a knob. I just go, I'm just gonna push this for a while and it comes on. Oh wow.

But my point is how does anyone know that I held down for like 38 minutes? This is the thing about renting cars, even without a TV screen, you get in the car, nobody gives you a walkthrough. Nobody. So you don't know where a shift is, you don't know where the break is,

you got both shoes and the wrong feet, you got two mirrors and I don't know how to fix nothing in there I got no run-up car once I was trying to shove this fog into the Hook the neck the dash it was just you can just leave it there and push the button You leave it right on there the future is now. Hey eyes gonna kill us But yeah, what time I couldn't find the windshield it was crazy. It's almost like a new girlfriend. We were like I don't know What's going on down here? You got to like play with it for an hour So uh finally I got it going and I had to call him back and I was like the TV was on it

It's on now in to hold it down Just of course you had to hold it down. I was like how do I know that but whatever so I got to San Diego great time great theater I'm out of material so you know how it is you just I'm at a theater going Oh, right well that's all I got I did 12 minutes. What's your story? great theater, I'm out of material. So you know how it is, I'm at a theater going, oh right, well, that's all I got. I did 12 minutes, what's your story? The guy's like, I paid $1,100 for this ticket and you're asking me how my day's going?

Get the hell out of here. That reminds me of, I was at city steam years ago. I don't even remember the comic's name and he goes, what are you guys doing? We're on a date in the comedy show Exactly it's the problem of the crowd work like what are we doing? We're here watching you What are you guys doing is the word? I mean I'm mad about the show that I'm doing So yeah great time that I flew out of Chicago. I mean, I see Andiega went straight to Austin, did Saguore,

and got the hell home. Hell yeah, that's good stuff. I'm, yeah, it's crazy times. And yeah, I'm the same thing. I got material, but it's not aces and it doesn't flow. There's no flow. So it's like, I do a bit and it kills, and I'm like, all right.

And then I'm like, hold on one second. Oh, whoa, you got to see it. And then I do another bit. And so the bits are good. It's just the presentation is not quite where I need it to be. But I had a nice comment. Someone said, you doing your new, unpolish shit is better than a lot of comics, whatever.

Well, I'll take it. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so anyways, we're out on the road tonight. We're in Philadelphia. It was Uma Khan and some guests. We'll figure it out. We're not great at planning things, but do that. And then this weekend, I'm in Dallas.

Addison Improv. Great club. With Monus again. And I love you, Monus with Monus again and who I love your Monus moan and then September I am in Nashville fucking what's it called Zaini Nashville another great club Chicago one night only two shows both sold they went to add a third and I said thank you No, what says at the Rosemont? No downtown I see but it's I'm doing in between Pearl Jam shows.

Oh, you want to do 11 30? I don't want to be on stage at 1 a.m. No, but what a life. I got Pearl Jam on Tuesday, Cubs game Wednesday afternoon, two sold out shows Wednesday night, Pearl Jam Thursday, head to San Francisco. That's that's for a Cobb September 8th. Oh, you're your your your your boiling over oh There's bubbles this bubbles in my asshole. We're gonna get nuked. I'm having a kid. I'm scared to death

And the specialist out now watch it. I hope you've already watched it But tell a friend it's called enough for everybody. It's on YouTube and watch the little documentary that Chuck made this thing is everyone's loving this thing. It's all A's hour by hour hour. Hour by hour episodes one through three. Marks in the third one. You can skip right to that thing. It's a hell of a time. Chuck really nailed it. Good stuff. Everybody's talking about it.

It's the buzz around town, the bees knees, the cats pajamas. And I'll be all over the road. Marked on the comedy dot com for tickets. You don't say tour. I think we're in, I'm coming to Europe, coming all over your back, like a gorilla on a lion and yeah, queen foot up. What do you got Chuck E? Whoo check out my podcast fun bearable at funbearable pod calm We just did an episode where Ray and Brad had to come meet me in New York for a meeting and a guy at a Starbucks tried to fight me

Oh, so we get into it. Was it Joe? It was Joe. We get into bully tales and revenge tales and rate tales, like an outrageous revenge tale, where he took the doors off this guy's car, this guy's car and pissed it. It was crazy. It's so unlike him. It was really.

I picture him just taking a door off. He's so big. Yeah. But yeah, funbearablepod.com. It's a fun time. And yeah, check out the documentary series. big thanks to Joe for letting me do it I know Joe was like hesitant and I appreciate it No, and each person that's like fucking potentious asshole just talking about like this. It was all chuck

I didn't want to do it You see a little uncomfortable some of the face to camera like yeah, so you know comedy It's brutal. Talking about art is just really appalling, but people seem to like it and I like it, so I'm saying. There you go. Check it out. Check out the special.

Check out soup to death as well and check out our old stuff and get on the Patreon. We're about to do some bonuses. Patreon is big. We're about to do back to back. We're doing one on the way down. All the live episodes are on there. Shane Gillis times two and we just Past a year of posting the old episode syrup to episode 60

Wow, so this we've been doing it for 60 weeks. That's not crazy. It seems to be just started doing it 60 weeks folks That is crazy. Yeah, I'm weak tons of stuff there. Thank you. Yeah episode 517. 17. I mean, we're cruising. Well, next month is 10 years. We'll be doing it. 10 Shelby's dead. We'll see you in hell. Thank you, folks. you