Tuesdays with Stories! - #518 Ether Evil

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Joe's special has been released and we're flyin' high on the big night! The guys talk about the outpouring of love, and his celebratory pizza that got delivered folded completely in half! Mark picks a safe word for his security team that goes awry and ends up with a taser being buzzed at his show! It's Tuesday! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Try Blue Chew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Visithttps://www.bluechew.com and use promo code TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off your 1 st order with codeTUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com - Support the show & get a brand new eBike athttps://www.lectricebikes.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose why. Hey! Na-na-na-na. Here we are, folks. We're back. We're here. We're queer.

We're cooking. Woo! Ah! 82 degrees, balmy, but the sun is shining. It's hot. It is, it's hotter today than it was yesterday. That's true. There you go. Days are different.

But don't you have the thing where you get adaptive to whatever weather. You have the same weather four days in a row. You're like, well, this is the weather now. Right. You don't feel that way? Yes, good for you. And then you're like, what the Christ is this? I know,? Yes, good point. And then it rains and you're like,

what the Christ is this? I know, I know. But then was that sign filled bit where they're like, man 82 today, it was 84 yesterday. He's like, yep, different day. Right. You know, whatever that bit is. Yes.

I believe it's 82. Yes, yes I can. It's a lot toaster today. It's muggy. It's hot in here. By the way, there's a fan, a toos gay, on the floor. What? Somewhere here in this, I think of, because when you walk in, a Tuesday, on the floor. What? Somewhere here, and I think of,

because when you walk in our little place, everyone hates us, they throw eggs at us, they give us the finger. And then you take a little left, and then it's just a couple offices over here, with people that hate us. Yes, the lawyer. But I forget there's another hallway.

There's like 50 offices in here. He's like, the guy I was talking to, he's like, this building is huge. Right, it's like unlocking another level. Like's like 50 offices in here. He's like, the guy was talking to me. He's like, this building is huge. Right, it's like unlocking another level. Like, one time I was on a phone call, I was walking through. It's a skyscraper. You forget.

It's a giant skyscraper in Midtown Manhattan. But tell that guy to talk to this guy, will you? I know, maybe they can switch offices. Oh, I'll help move the desk. That's pretty good. And the guy was sweating and shaking. He was like, jollest, oh. And then I was like, Mark's move the desk. That's pretty good. But I'm the guy was sweating and shaking. He was like Joe the store And then I was like Mark's in the building and he's like he threw up all over the element He's like what?

He started jerking off. Oh, man. Because you're like a real celebrity now people. I'm like wow Mark was just here. They're like Mark. Mark was here It's like it's like Susan with Letterman. Ah, that's what it feels like. Well, tell the lady at the front because she hates this chuck gave her the business last week. That was exciting. You really hammered her. I know. We saw her side of chuck. Whenever she was like Travis Bickle up there. Yeah, you were like the wolf from pulp fiction. You were you were handling business. I like that she said, so please sign this and the elevator dinged and you ran to the elevator

I can't handle adult conversations signing things paperwork money. I had to get out of there When I was doing it didn't look like a goddamn maxi-past Well, you were impressive because you at least hung near him. I was like in the garbage can Because your name is on the thing mine's not I mean I'm not kidding I was 50 feet away like just trying to pretend to be looking at my phone. I can't It was pretty Peter but talk was ticking and I think we got her pretty good because basically she renewed us without asking or she asked about a 3 times a week. Yeah, I didn't catch it but Eventually she was like well, you got to sign this and I'm like well if we've already renewed why do we have to sign it?

And she was like well, you just got and I'm like well if we've already renewed why do we have to sign it and she was like well He just got to sign it and I just started walking away I'm like I'm not signing and then she just stood up and was like all right whatever don't sign it so what which one is it? We're in a real stalemate here It's a Mexican stalemate. This is one of those things though the problem is they're gonna be like okay We thought about it. We hate you. There's too many end words coming out of the office. You gotta move throughout, and then we're gonna be like, ah, that's true. We don't wanna move, we're gonna have to pack everything up, the wallpaper, we'll have to paint.

To find a place, go there, and get a new key, meet new people. We got a pretty good hair. And all goes back to the very first thing, 10 full years ago now, when we said to Benji and Becky, Yes, being me. We wanna do a podcast, but we don't wanna do anything. Here, here.

Except show up and talk. It's our mantra. It's like, I'm filled with no hugging, no learning. We're no doing. No doing, no, no, no, no cleafing. And, uh, we're trying to stick with that. A contract and email. It's a little much. Yeah, it's scary legal

Paperwork forms I hear by and then I write Mark Norman. Oh, what when I see that my my buttle bleeds anything to it Make concern makes me uncomfortable my dearest regards all that shit It makes me uncomfortable. My dearest regards, all that shit. Anything, put in initial date. Ugh! George is saying cut it, any kind of formal information. Also, I do, I go to, you do Santino's pod and the other one, we might be drunk,

and all these pods would have studios. I'm like, how did you get all that, you wallpaper? You put things up. We just had a handicap kid and taped these for wall. That's true. Yeah. I think it might have killed him. I haven't heard from him since.

He came out of here on a gurney, but I will say the studio, we might be drunk. The studio is a fortune, but the guy, the big guy, Matt Peters, our producer, he put up everything, every little Joan Rivers every wall pay for every Nick rub tension whatever he put up he put up all this stuff and See you kind of get what you pay for but at least we're making some some dough. Yeah, make it some nice coin everything's peeling off and But at my suit just lives here now because I wore it here once. Yes. Yes, office suit

I can't remember I set it on the air off there air or patreon, but some damn in a need that suit And I'm gonna be livid that it's just hanging in an office in midtown. Maybe today's the day you're bringing that old puppy home Alright, fuck it. There's never gonna be a moment where I'm like let me carry a suit on the seven train Well, we do have a things now like a task rabbit. Have you heard of this? I have. Yeah, you can just find a guy and go, give you 60 bucks, you go to Midtown and bring my suit to a store, a case closed. And there's a guy out there, some pothead

with a mullet's gonna go, I'll do it. Okay, this is like, come on my shirt or anything like that. Maybe if you give another five. But, like I use these sleeping pills, as you know, because I can't, my memory's gone and I can't get it up And I get them from this guy and I'm going on a big trip to LA weekend a half gone and then going Austin the whole thing So I go I'll see it the show tonight. I saw him at the show we we can do it old and I left and I got home And I was in bed. I was like I forgot to get the pills from him. He lives way up in Harlem

So I said oh I forgot to get the pills from him. He lives way up in Harlem. So I said, I forgot to get the pills from him. He goes, I know. And he goes, well, what are you doing tomorrow? I said, I'm leaving tomorrow at 8 a.m. to go to L.A. And he goes, well, I guess we're fucked. And I go, Uber. Put the pills in an Uber, send them to my house. Be a Buckleham.

Well, you know, it's cute. Do you buckle the pill? He put them in a pizza box, put the pizza box in the back seat, buckled it, and then the delivery driver, he doesn't wanna be a drug dealer. Right. So he thought he was delivering a pizza,

which is funny that his job was just demoted to pizza guy, basically. Yeah. That's what a delivery guy is. Wow, that's not bad. Then you open it up, a whole cheese, just for me. Yes. Good night, Irene.

Keep the change, you filthy animal. Uh, great film. Hella-va-boo-vy. I just watched Ferris Bueller again for the Hella-va-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v Folks love it. It's just the best, it's the funniest, it's the most touching, the performances are great. Every single thing about it, it's an absolute masterpiece. There's people out there that don't like it, which is really mind-blowing. I know, there's so many weird jokes, he's on the pay phone with the other students,

and he's like, give me someone else, and he just gives us to a girl. I love the little things like that. And you go, you see Alien? Yeah. Dweepo's, motor heads, getsoids. Ron does it like it. All right. Well, this is another knock against the Jews. I's run on doesn't like it. All right

Well, this is another knock against the Jews. I know he doesn't like it. By the way fun This goes into my story that I'm gonna get into please not really a story, but you know what I mean my my tail That's the same thing tail is old as tag, but so I guess I'll just jump right into it because I want to get to this movie Trivia thing jump in the pool jump the pool, see how it is. Jump around. Up, up. Jump around. Listen to that song now, there's that weird thing

that's quite annoying that wasn't when we were kids. The, REEEET. REEEET. Oh yeah. REEEET. Like the music is a crazy. That's a big hook in the song.

Yeah, it's the thing, and it's funny because I think we were immune because we were kids and we were jumping. Around. were jumping around but then I read the Wikipedia of that I love to read Wikipedia of things from where we were kids I like that too because you're like what was the real deal and sometimes movie reviews you read great Ace Ventura was like 8% rotten tomatoes are like this is a piece of shit and we were like oh my god Yeah, and it killed at the box office So it's supposed to be a comedy they go the movie was silly and stupid. It's a comedy a cum-guzzler. Yes Private Joker is silly and he's ignorant, but he's got guts and guts is enough. Yes

No guts no glory Nickelodeon guts. What was I talking about? I already lost it the reviews Wikipedia. I'll jump around Oh Wikipedia's a jump around yeah I was reading it and The reviews, Wikipedia, jump around. Oh, Wikipedia, so jump around. Yeah, I was reading it and like a bunch of adults at that time were like, I don't know how can anyone can listen to this song. It's the most annoying thing. It's just that stupid horn over and over and over again. Uh-huh.

And I was like, horn over and over again. And then I put it on and I was like, this is awful. Right. And the whole song is literally like, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, it's like an alarm clock. It's terrible. It's the sno like an alarm clock. It's terrible. It's the snooze, baby. It's really bad, but man, that was a movement,

and we were jumping around, in fact. We were jumping quite a bit all over the place, and I do the same thing. I go, boy, this is a fun movie, Clueless, and I'll just Google the shit out of Clueless. It's fun. It's a good time. I would jump, jump, right around the same time.

Chris Cross jumped, jumped. Oh yeah. Those were like, within a year of each other, I feel like. time. That would jump, jump, right around the same time. Chris Cross jumped, jumped. Those were like within a year of each other, I feel like. Make you want to jump, jump. And again, an adult looks at that and goes, this is bunch of black kids with their clothes backwards. Yeah. They were like, these kids are awesome. And then Daddy Mack, he was like a 13 year old kid.

He's like, the Mac Daddy will make you jump, jump, the Daddy Mack will make you, and I'm like, you see the Mac Daddy? Because he's like 11. And what is a Mac Daddy? Is that different jump the daddy Mack will make you and I'm like you see the Mac daddy because he's like 11 and what is a Mac daddy's That's a daddy Mac and a similar to a big Mac I think it's a watch. Yeah, I don't know Mac and cheese. Oh, we got me an icy water when you come back. I'm good. Thank you, sir I got I'm low on water watch out for the front desk lady. They'll give us water in there Yeah, oh, I didn't know we could do the lock thing of course. Okay, good. I don't give us water in there. Yeah, oh, I didn't know we could do the lock thing. Of course. Okay, good.

I don't have keys. Locksmith. Uh-huh. John Lock. So, is John Lock? He's a scientist. I don't know John Lock. I know John List.

Uh-huh. He murdered his family. Really? You don't know John List? Is that an uncle? No, I wish. He murdered his whole family. What I've loved to have been,

I had a couple of people stabbed. I don't know, I know Shindler. Now John List was a New Jersey guy, and I get this every three months, someone will, there's like a new meme about it. He, I think he went home, he murdered his family, and then his son in a soccer game. He went and attended the soccer game,

drove his son home in the soccer game. When he got home, he let the kid see the family and was like, yeah, you two and then stabbed him and then shot himself Maybe shot him maybe stab it. I can't remember but I know he killed his whole family and went to the soccer game in Between the killings wow So I got I got psycho in my blood somewhere. I guess so 23 and gay the only killing I'm doing is on stage folks Yeah. The only killing I'm doing is on stage, folks. Pee-pee-pee.

Well, that's not a good PR for soccer. I got half a dump in my asshole. Don't you hate that? Hey, is it a turtle heading? It's rattling the cages. It's right there. Don't drink any caffeine. No, I had some earlier.

Well, what it is is, you know, sometimes you get a text or a thing and it gives you that jolt and then all of a sudden your body's like, shit, everything out. Yes, yes, the fear shit. Yes, fear shit, so sorry. Yes.

All right, well, let me tell you a little bit about this. Yeah, you were getting to something but then jump around, made you jump around. I got, so, you know, the special recording of a head of time or behind times, I don't know what the hell we're doing. Special game out. Oh, we got to, yeah, the special killed it. loved it the reviews are in fatty 8% on rot and tomatoes I mean the comments YouTube comments notoriously mean and vicious these things are Y'all cry I'm weeping my computer's room. I got tears everywhere come on some of it. Yeah

Well, we did the we did the chat room. Thanks for texting me I forgot about the chat that a turbo chat or Super chat. I think super chat. GBT and then by the way, that was a guy who'd using my name, so I'm glad you didn't buy it Yeah, it was a little troll guy came in and I knew right away. I was like, that's not Mark But he got the same icon thing. They know what they're doing these tools. Yeah, they're real losers they know what they're doing these tools. Yeah, they're real losers. Oh, it's very sad. But you came in and you couldn't even follow the chat anymore.

Like it exploded. I think the guy from the office was in there. Well, a couple people did a wears mark, so I was like, let me find out. I was like, hey, pop in. Because the chances are you're working, but I'm like, what are the chances you're on stage right this moment?

I was drinking after the show, so it was perfect. You popped and everyone just went ape shit in there. You couldn't keep up. Hell yeah! And I gotta say, by the way, everyone that Ven mode and donate, I gotta thank, it's literally too much to respond to every person. It's like hundreds and hundreds of people that came in so fast. So, thank you to everybody. Thanks for watching.

Please keep sharing. And thank you for all. Thanks for watching. Please keep sharing. And thank you for all the kind words. I mean, I feel like George Bailey. That's the nice thing about releasing a special frequently every year. I was like, everyone just tells me how great I am. I'm thinking really, touches my heart. Don't get me wrong.

A couple thousand people tell me I should kill myself and I'm a piece of shit also. Just family. I don't want to thank them as well. Oh, Chuck, you made me come into. Come into. It all helps the algo good, bad or ugly. Well, it's been nice,

because someone was like, you should pay someone to go through and respond. And I was like, wow, just respond. Yeah. So you're nervous going through. You got one eye opened, but I, overwhelming positive, which also is a slightly bad sign,

because that means it hasn't gotten into the ether yet. Yeah, right. Let's it goes ether. It gets ugly. That's what people are like, what the fuck am I watching? Because these are all people that have come from you and Stavros and Sam and whoever.

And they're like, hey, yes, guy I like like some, or the two's gaze of course. I don't wanna make it seem like I don't have a plethora of fans myself. Yes. But those people are all like, this is amazing, you outdid yourself,

you big homo, but once it gets into middle America, they're like, this is amazing. You outdid yourself, you big homo. But once it gets into middle America, they're like, this is boring, horse shit, is a nerd, fuck you. The ether is evil. Eether evil. Eether evil, that's what that comes in. But also, at least when you get the evil, you know you're in the ether.

So there is some kind of, you gotta spin everything to the positive HIV. You want the ether, you want the evil, Dr. Evil, Lord Michaels. Evil, can evil. That's an ill. There you go. So yeah, great stuff.

I love the super chat, super fun. And the amount of my father's gay was overwhelming. Yeah, it's crazy. That was a good time. Has there ever been a movie called Evil Does It? That's kind of fun. That's an easy does it. Evil does it.

No, I haven't seen that one. Yeah. I've a resident evil. Yeah, and then the evil dead of course Yeah, it's good. Okay, evil does it. Yeah, I guess it's not great. Oh my kidding. All right. I was thinking good does it Good good. Good evil. That's like But good does it easy Easy does it evil does it easy writer Yeah, find that film quite a bit overrated.

Easy writer? Yeah. It's really a lot of nothing. It was a movement back then, you know, it was an nostalgia thing. Yeah, I think if I was alive in the 60s and doing acid and I think, and maybe I'm the run on of this situation, I think a lot of people are talking

how much they love easy writer because they want to feel like, oh yeah. I could see that, but I'm like, I think if lot of people are talking about how much they love easy rider because they want to feel like oh, yeah I can see that but I'm like I think if you open mindedly watch that movie now You're like what is this? It's a little boring. It's quite boring and it gets trippy and it's light on plot Yeah, it was right place right time hit the zeitgeist. Yeah, the music is fun and Nickel-syn it's exciting, but the back half of that film is nonsense. It's literal nonsense. It's cookie. All right, let me get into this. Yeah, take me, say, for the right, my dickhole. Yeah, this isn't much of a story, but I just want to share the fun and the love.

So, you know, last year I had a big party over there, Big viewing. Everyone came over. It was quite a sight. We had Louie and Sarah and her sister and Matt Wayne and Isabelle and all that and it was great and fun. This year, everyone was working out of town doing stuff, whatever. So I had a small group. Matt Wayne who opened and did a great job. You hear his voice at the beginning. You see his name in the credits, I guess. And on the report code. And he's about to shoot a special for the first time. Oh, that's going to be exciting. Keep an eye out for that.

So he came over, Steve Rogers by neighbor. He comes by Sarah's there. We're all gay. And Steve Rogers, big dick Rogers, BDR, who voice you here, or laugh you here quite a bit on the special. Hey, all right. And it's cocky see if you watch till the end of the credits, you'll see a still photo of his dick.

So watch, watch the special again. Get the widescreen. So he comes over, he'd never seen swingers. Oh, in real life or the film or and he just refuses to switch with us. Yes, got to do the swap, Rudge, although you'd be intimidated with that hog, easy writer. Yeah, I'll annihilate my wife. I can't do it right in the baby will follow.

He'll poke him in the eye. He's got a real is a baby leg for a cock, but so he's never seen it. Of course, you got to remember he's 30 years old. So he doesn't know he's not even 30. I don't think he's never seen it. Of course, you gotta remember, he's 30 years old. So he doesn't know, he's not even 30. I don't think he's like 27 or something. Really? Yeah. So he's never seen the film and swingers of course, one of the great films of all time in my opinion. I mean, just a masterpiece. It's fucking rules. Great runtime. Great. Oh, geez. Great joke. You want to say on a pod talk later? Nah, yeah. Yeah.

I don't want to leave that guy hanging. He'll shoot your face off. Yeah, geez. He's a big celebrity calling. Hold on. You're talking. All right. All right. But yeah, as swingers is great, so many great jokes. The he's all grows up. Vince Vaughan has a has a breakout performance that they, The scene with the

fucking answering machine, your money, kid, the fist fight, Sue with the gun. Who do you think you are? Bring the pain. I mean, it's great. Is he a brown man? I love it. If he's cute, let him in. House of pain. Bring the pains to the special. But it's just amazing. It's a beautiful film, especially for comedians. Now the first time I saw it, I was 18 years old and I missed it. It had been out for two years or whatever. And I was going through a break at my high school, 2001, I guess.

My high school girlfriend had broken up with me. She went to college, the whole thing. And comedian named Dan Kino was like, ah, that sucks, man. You'll get over it. And I was like, my life is ruined. And he goes, well, you watch swingers. And I was like, what? And sucks man, you'll get over it. And I was like, my life is ruined.

And he goes, well, you watch swingers. And I was like, what? And he goes, you break up, you gotta watch swingers. And I was like, no, I never saw that movie as a good. And he's like, I mean, what are you talking about? Oh, all right. And I'm like, well, what's it about? And he's like, it's about a comedian going to a breakup.

Wow. And it's the breakup movie, which I continue to say for 25 years. You're going through a breakup. You pop swingers on, you're going to feel better. Dan Keynote speaker. Count it. All right.

So, um, oh, we reviewed it, it was at the buzzer, it doesn't count. Daaah! So I watched it then, I watched it back to back. It was one of those movies, you watch it, and then you just, bleep, watch it again. Yes. And anyways, he'd never seen the movie.

So I was like, we'll do a screening of swingers. So I went and had Sarah get, I didn't go. I went ahead and had Sarah get some popcorn. She's pregnant. She needs stuff to do. He didn't get to walk around. She went, she got some popcorn. We popped that popcorn.

Got some candy and popcorn. And then later ordered pizza and we sat and watch swingers and we just how'd laughing. Oh, so good. Great time. Then the special comes, which is a little awkward because it's like, you don't want to watch the special, but you want to hang out in the chat. Yeah.

You don't want to sit there and be like, okay, friends, it's time to watch the special you were at the taping floor. Hit the mute button, baby. You got to go volume all the way down. Which is also awkward, because I can't watch myself on a permanent thing. No, God. The worst.

Cats, who's the fucking best. I thank you, Jason, whatever. I hire this man. Yes, he's a director extraordinaire and a hell of an editor. Quite a guy. And so he kept sending me and like, hey, give us notes and I couldn't bring myself to do it. This time I was like, I'm gonna actually try to watch this.

There you go. I got 30 seconds in like many people. I was just like, I can't do it. And he left a lot of quips and no, that was crazy. And possibly too many. Quips and no, that was crazy. Too many herb. Possibly too many. I'm not criticizing because I refuse to help, but it makes it look quite loose.

Yeah, I see, and I've got a couple of people have been like, why, this is a little loose for a special. And I'm like, well, we could have nipped those and you wouldn't have noticed, but it's fun too, I think. I think people like the authenticity and it's very you I think you got to show you that's like I like to work fast and loose my father's gay juice is loose but you are kind of seeing it I'm like wait what just happened what am I pointing at and then you hit him like this lady's crazy

yeah that's in the special so what can you do maybe the next one I'll try to watch it but it's just every time you're like I'm gonna really edit this and yeah Are you like me or you like as Ari and Ron on Jews? They are watching it over and over and over again spend hours on every single cut and angle Yeah, no, I can't watch I'll they'll they'll do a part of Jason texted my or edited my out to lunch and he texted He's like what about this part and I'll just kind of, through the eyes, I'll watch that one chunk, and then give notes, and then pull back, and then they're like,

all right, now when you need the track breakdown, I had to break down the tracks for serious, meaning like, okay, what's a track 1B? Where do you cut it off? And I was just like, you do it. Oh, the tracks, I couldn't do the tracks either. And everything I've ever released has like a five month delay, because I'm like, I'll You do it. And everything I've ever released has like a five month delay.

Cause I'm like, I'll get to it. And then I'm like, I just can't, I can't. And it's funny cause I'm a big listen to sets guys. Yeah, me too. So if it's not permanent, I can sit all day and listen. Ah, yes. If it's just a show from last night, I sit and I listen to it. And that's how I write.

Yeah. But if it's going out to the masses, I'm like, Good point. I can't even look at this. Plus, my face looks the way it looks. I just want to kill myself. So also with the listening to sets, you're like, oh, I can fix this and know this group hurt

but no one else will hear it. Right. The special is like, well, this is it. There's no fixing because it's done. And you know what I actually think of? I just thought of this in this moment to do a sports analogy, is like in tennis, I'm a big tennis quave, the US Open has started yesterday.

He shared, and I'm wearing the t-shirt, how about that, Kismet. So, like in tennis, the players are always based on how they do in the grand slams, the four big events. But oftentimes the players are like, well, we minimize how important all these other tournaments are. Because many people win all the smaller tournaments,

which is very difficult to win. They don't win the big tournament. Right. So they're like, you should be judged based on everything. Yeah. The whole total, not just these big events. And it's kind of like that with comedy.

You're basically, in the end, you're judged on these specials that are just a single night that are never going to be the best something ever worked or was. Yeah. So it's like you should judge a comedian based on all the times you've seen them the live performances, everything. Very true. I mean, I think Carlin is a good, Carlin's got a lot of shit. Yes. But he's got a lot of gold. And you know, he's all over Twitter, the left claims him, the right claims him, and they post a clip. Here's a clip.

And the clips are all great. But no one's posted the pussy fart chunk. Right. You know, so like, yeah, you gotta look at the whole body, the whole catalog. The whole body, and I said this about specials all the time, too, that makes it so frustrating. Is like, you think of Richard Pryor and Long Beach,

like the funniest special of all time. Think about what that was like in the room. Or at the peoria funnigins or whatever. Yeah, about it. I mean, so it all... He bombed the first one, by the way. He did two tapings, the first one bombed. That was the store.

Oh, is that the store? That was the sunset strip? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, one of them, he was like, having a fucking panic attack. Like, I gotta get my shit together. What do I do? And then the second one just worked. Yes, okay. Yeah, one of them he was like having a fucking panic attack like I got to get my shit together What do I do then the second one just worked? Yes, yeah, but the store I was I think we talked about this definitely off stage. I can't remember where we talked about it

I was blown away that the main room is a small I thought the main room was like 600 seats for some reason I think as he shot a special there. Oh, yeah, yeah It's like grand it's smaller than the village underground I think I don't think so I think there's don't think so. I think there's more seats at the store. You're gonna have to do some research on that. Maybe you're right, but if you're right, it's not by many, right?

It's like, I think the VU's 280. But the main room must be like 300 or something, right? I think it was four and they shut it down to 340 or something. Is that right? Something like that. I don't know if Google makes you think. I guess because, can you look up comedy store main room? What do you call that? Attendance. to 340 or something. Is that right? Something like that. I don't know if that is defined. Bless you.

I thought that was just because of the comedy story, it's such a movie, it's a movie poster. I thought that was like a 800 seat room or something. Right, right. It feels like a theater. Yeah, many guesses. We just guessed. What did you say? I said 280VU 350 store.

I'm saying about 305. I'm changing my answer based on your answer. He says, Comedy Store in Los Angeles is a 350 seat main room. 350, okay. And so what's the village underground? That's just under three. So 70 seats. But essentially, yeah, and so what's the village underground that's just under three so 70 seats, but essentially yeah similar sizes

Bigger layer they have booths over there in the store that it goes back to that wall It's it's a bigger room for sure. It's kind of shaped like a pilgrim hat or something Oh, Oklahoma has like a little wing over there. It's deep. I guess it's deeper than the viewU. Okay, see. Any idea what the Village Underground is? Village Underground capacity. Yeah. New York City. Definitely in the twos. Definitely in the late twos.

The Jiu-Tos. Yes. Late twos. Terrible twos. That's 300. 300, okay. So, 50 seats. So, 50 seats.

So, it's about one sixth bigger. Is that right? It's my dick. Yeah, that's right. One sixth bigger. That's correct. Not sixth bigger. Is that right? It's my dick. Yeah, that's right. One sixth bigger. That's correct. Well, not much bigger. But anyways, the point is I thought it was a big,

I thought it was like 550 or 600 or something like that. You could probably squeeze. I bet you could squeeze. The main squeeze. They always say that, hey, you know, we, we fucked the fireman. Winged 8,000 in here, whatever. The old fire marshal. Yeah, you always hear about this guy

But I've never seen him that the health inspector. Oh, the health inspector shows up. This place is going down I've been in a place where the health inspector was there once when he's coming. He's here Oh, I think when I bartended at DJ O'Donohus in Stoten he came And it was like a big deal and you're like Cleaned it up right away. Okay, good. What the fuck was I say? And that's how this bad, I hate my,

I hate walking around because everybody's like, oh shit, you're here, they're the whole thing is fear based. I know it's like a parking meter. Yes. It's just everybody's just spinning at you and saying fuck you, you motherfucker. Exactly.

I think that's why a lot of time parking meters in New York City, they're all like from other countries. Oh yeah. Because I think here in America, you're like, no way. And they just people move here and they're like, yeah, this is good. You got benefits and they're like, okay, I do that. They don't realize 100% of people are gonna load them.

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I was like a company Jason cats Jason cats So we're hanging out. It's me Sarah Wayne and Steve. We watch swingers. We're eating the popcorn order the pizza now Tell me how you feel about this please sometime you're just first of all Uber eats some a big Uber eats guy You gotta leave the tip beforehand. Is that right? Yeah, you order and you add a tip. I don't like that because the tip is based off service or quality of service You're always singing my language. You know what I mean? So around Normally I have no problem with it. I go. Yeah, here you go. Here's your 18% fuck face come on over and I'll be right here

Sure you order the pie. You hear that thing By the way, I never want them waiting as soon as I hear that bell I fucking same I kick Rogers in the face. I pull his dick off the cram it and Wayne's ass and head first dive over the buzzer The buzzer man. Yeah, he's safe So I run up I run up there and I go to get the pizza We ordered a french fries and pizza. That's my moon and pizza. They sell fries now. Oh, yeah Every pizza place has fries. This is a big thing with Sarah She's like you're the only family I've ever seen to pizza and fries. I've never heard of this people all debate

My family's always done this and And pizza. It's like a chick with dick. Somebody I like that. I guess somebody if you put a pair of heels on it, I mean, put a bread stick in my ass. So, but I asked someone recently about this because this is a big debate with Sarah and I. And so I was like, well, they're on the menu. Yeah. Every single pizza place has french fries on the menu. True. People are doing it. True. grow up my black friend, we go to the Chinese place and he would get a low-main in wings. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, you're breaking the universe. A leg of the wing.

So, I go, or the pizza by the way, I guess got a just quick side note, speaking to the comments, the amount of people that think I wrote pizza jokes to fuck with Bert is astronomical. Oh, hilarious. There's like hundreds of people that are like, that think I wrote pizza jokes to fuck with Bert is astronomical. Oh, hilarious. There's like hundreds of people that are like, wink, wink, wink, I know what's going on here. Oh, man, they'll make something out of nothing.

Like the idea that like, Bert and I argued about pizza two years ago and I was like, I'm gonna rearrange my act. Yeah. To really give it to this guy. I want a couple of twerps out there. They gotta make it about him. Such a hilarious idea to me that like, Bird is entering my thought process

of writing a comedy act. Polarious. Any jizz, we ordered the pizza, and I know I gotta wrap this up because I feel like the show's half over here. We haven't even. I know, go, go. We are recording 11 episodes in three days,

but that's true. So I run up there, I go to get the pizza, and I don't even know how to tell this, it's a story. The pizza, I don't want to do a visual, because I know people have to listen to an audio. The pizza box has the fries on top, and it looks like just a V. Huh. The pizza box is folded in half.

What? Like, you would a newspaper. Yeah, yeah. A Sicilian pizza, a big big thick, thicker than my penis. Gram-hose-like. Yes. It's literally folded like this. Like he has it under his arm, like a newspaper.

What the hell? With the fries on top. He's got a baby batter over here, with a baby basket. And there's sauce and cheese squeezing out the side. I thought he was fucking with me. Oh my God. I walked up, I go, what is and he was african of some version and he was like and he was like I

Don't know he didn't speak English. Well, it's always hard to do an impression You just like an asshole, but I'm trying to paint a picture. He was like I don't know he goes put in He's just like the, and I go, well, okay, well this is, and I feel bad for the guy because you know, he just moved here, I'm sure he got a gig and whatever, maybe he's not familiar with pizza, Sicilian pizza is probably not huge in Africa.

Oh, Nairobi. So he just went, and I couldn't quite understand what he said, other than, I mean, it's, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I half, creased, everything, and then you open it, and 100% of the cheese is on the roof of the box. You open it, and you- Oh, it's unacceptable. Cheese on one side, cheeseless pizza on the other side, and just sauce and shit and fucking nuts everywhere. It feels like something you do to an enemy, like you want this? You know, like that's how you would piss somebody off.

But I felt like a stanza, I walked back in, and I'm like, they were like, what happened to the pizza? And I'm like, he said, whoosh, I don't know, it that's how you would piss somebody off, but I felt like a stanza I walked back in I'm like they're like what what happened to the piece? I'm like he said whoosh. I don't know it whooshed you took it Well, you have to take it it's Uber Eats and then you got a file like a plan of Uber Eats You send a photo and you go hey my damage is whooshed. Yes. Yes. Yes My box my box is whooshed damaged. Oh Man, I hate this guy. I mean, I'm sure he's not a bad guy, but it sounds like he ran over it on accident or he sat on it. Something happened. He wished it, but also I've already tipped a guy seven bucks. You can't get your

seven bucks back. And then as soon as he leaves, it goes into the system and it just says like, you know, Dave says thanks for the tip. I'm right. Yeah. I mean, it says thanks to the tips. So it's Dave. Yeah. I mean, it says thanks for the tips. So it's like insult to injury because you get a little note of a game. Boom. It goes, hey, thanks for the tip. Oh, geez.

Oh my God. I mean, I hope you got another pizza. No, we just kind of like shoveled the cheese. We salm, and I'll show you a photo here. See, this is like a lot of people go, oh, these foreigners come over here. They don't speak the language. This is genius for companies

because you have the white guilt kicks in, you can't say anything to the guy. And then, oh wow, look at that. I mean, this slice has literally zero cheese on it. It's a seismic shift, it's like the continents collided. That's no good. No good and I think, wow. There you go.

There you go. There you go. Whoo, shot. Did they respond? Did Uber Eats right back? You know, I don't even know. I hope so. I hope they hear this, Uber E, because you're slipping. Wushin' and folded and V.

Wushin' and folded and I have a bummer, but still great. We salvage it. We made a story out of it. We laughed. We yucked it up. We made do, ate the pizza, watched the special, basically we were just in the chat, which was fun.

It flies by, we're in that chat, by the way. And then we finish, and then you need a palette cleanser because the special stinks, so you're like, let's watch something else, we throw on Caddy's shack. Oh, classic. And this is fun, I love watching a film that everyone's seen a hundred times. Yeah.

So we're doing the line and then you can break it down. This is so funny because of that. Right. And then sometimes you're like, hold on, hold on, let's watch this part. Yeah. No, yeah. But here's my trivia. And this is going to be impossible to guess.

I mean, I'll blow you if you get it. Oh, good. But I noticed an interesting, yeah, you're never going to get it. No pressure, but a fun, fun fact about, we happened to just randomly watch Swingers and Caddy Shack. They both have something in common in the movie. Oh, they play pup putt at one point. That's golf. Oh, yeah. Good point. That's not what I was thinking of.

A good point. They both putt. Yeah. I'll just give it to you at different points. They both spoof the jaws theme. Oh, yeah, swingers at the party with the red Head, which he starts telling the story about how she's an actor. He goes Yeah, yeah, yeah, this a girl and now Caddy Shack does it in the pool scene with the baby Ruth and the thing Yes, yes, how wildly random that way. I mean many, I guess a lot, but not that many. Yeah. A percentage of films have done the jaw's theme.

Yeah, not a ton. I'd say maybe 10 movies total. Yeah. Well, I mean, we watched two all-time classic comedies, two of my favorite films ever. Yeah. Spoof. One of my favorite films ever.

There you go. Now, what do you think of the Scorsese Zing in Swingers? They really Zing Scorsese. Wow, they're singing his praise, aren't they? Well, they're like, no, Tarantino, I'm sorry. Yeah, Tarantino bites everything from Scorsese and it's like a filmmaker saying this about another filmmaker. It's a little, it's a little stick it to them.

I mean, he doesn't hold back. I suppose so, but Tarantino openly is that, I feel like. Like some people criticize Tarantino is like, I's doing this, but I'm like, but I think that's his thing. What, taking a little of this? Yeah, yeah, I guess so. Which is the nature of art, cinema more so. Every one's, I mean, they'd say that in the movie.

Everyone's taking from somebody. That's true. And film. And while they're doing that, they take from Scorsese, It's a great little film. Yeah, it's a real, and then they do the Tarantino thing as well. Yeah, it's meta. It's very meta.

It's very funny, but. The world peace. But yeah, I think that Tarantino has things that are just like directly shot from old films. Old films. But Scorsese does stuff like that too. You think? Yeah, I guess the train robbery and good fellas.

Yeah. It's been a great train robbery. And it departed the big X on everything. Oh. I forget when it turned a little fairs. Yeah, and Hitchcock. So, yeah, they all, everyone does that. You know, the zoom in, track back thing is Hitchcock.

I think did it first. Okay. So, there's like that book, Steal Like an Artist. Let me just throw this at you here. Steel Like an Artist. That's right. That's what I always say at Hudson News. I'm an artist when they when they carry me out there for me, I ain't going to cliffbar. Boom. But, uh, flew out to Louisville, Kentucky.

Hey, first place of Ron on Hershburg, Joeyville and, uh, Diane Sawyer. No kidding. Muhammad Ali. Sure. I want to say Kentucky proper George Clooney. Mm. And Johnny Depp.

Wow. Kentucky under sleeper alumni. Ariel Elias. That's right. Another Jew. Two Jewish comedians from Kentucky. Joeyville, yeah. Ariel Elias. That's right, another Jew. Two Jewish comedians from Kentucky. Jui Vil, yeah, look at that. Who else?

Kentucky Jack Daniels. Is that Tennessee? Evan Williams. Evan Williams. Yeah, yeah, there's a whole thing going on with the bourbon over there and the horses and the Louisville slug. Louisville slugger?

Evan only Kentucky was neutral in the Civil War until they saw the North was winning and then they jumped on the North side. Oh bad luck. I think it's respectable. They were like, I don't know. You guys both make good points, but yeah, you got one with you. Right. I'm still holding on to Leot Thomas.

Whatever way the world works, I'll go that way. But yeah, Kentucky and in Ohio the the airport is in Ohio in Kentucky But the you drive to Cincinnati. It's all very wacky. Yes, it's like it's like a one of girls like you're in my ass now I'm like whoa, I thought I was in your vagina Great airport great airport great Kentucky. I think it's underrated. I kind of like Kentucky I always talk about moving there. Where should both move? I thought about doing the rolling hill, especially Lexington. It's beautiful. The fences and the green hills and grassy nolls. And the cost of living.

I go on all the time, I go on the zillo. I look at houses in Louisville, Lexington. You could buy a fucking plantation for like eight bucks. I know, it's great. We get a horse. We could be equestrians and fucking. We could be horse people. I'll be a horse guy.

Hey, I don't want to ride a horse all right. I don't either but I do want to feed it a carrot with my mouth I love that move. I'm scared horses they kick yeah, that's true Yeah, true but it's not a soccer players. Yeah, I'm afraid of them too. Yeah, I guess you're right. All right, so take that serious to them too. Yeah, I guess you're right. All right. So take that serious. So get down a Louisville walk around cute little town, a little racial tension, Breonna Taylor. And we do the brown theater. Hey, yes, big and racial tension. So I see it at the Brown Hotel, which is awkward, but beautiful hotel from the 20s, 19, 23, 100 years old, they got the player piano, everybody's in tuxedos, they open the door for it, yes Mr. Norma,

how are you Mr. Norma, they grab your bags, it's very wacky in there. You know what's funny, I think about Brown Hotel, one point, it was probably white-s only. Ah, Brown Hotel, white-s only. Yeah, that's a confusing sign. So yeah, definitely white-s only, it's only as that vibe you know when you see a black. I hit and they're like oh, sorry so

Just kidding, but we go to the theater It's one of those you stay next to the theater. So I try to see the town a little you want to walk around You don't want to just go hotel theater hotel You just miss out on the whole experience of Louisville. Of course. So I walk around a little, it's a cute town, hit the Chipotle, went back. Now, I'm learning a lot about these theater gigs. They give you a runner.

Are you familiar with this? A runner, is someone that runs and gets you stuff? Yeah, run on Hersberg, but they give you a runner who is just there in case like, oh, I forgot my keys at the hotel or, oh, we gotta get you some food. Oh, can you go on and get Tequila, whatever. He's like a task rabbit. It's a task. It's a TR, but they're 300 bucks a night,

which I didn't know, and I never use them. 300 bucks a night. Yeah, they just parted. What's that? Is it a hooker? I know, I should get a runner up my ass, but it just, she just sits there. It's like usually an older lady,

and she's like, whatever you need, I got it. I'm like, I'm good, and I never, I don't wanna use this old lady, I feel like, am I gonna make her run? I just gotta walk her all the time, yeah. Yeah, so I'm like, oh, take it easy, man, but I didn't know I was paying her. So I just went up to my tour guy and I go,

cut every runner. I'm wasting $300. Yeah, no runners. And isn't the tour manager the runner? That's what I said. I was like, what are you doing? I'm paying you. And he's like, yeah, I could run.

So I was like, all right, you're the runner and the tour manager. Yeah, I went on the world tour with Louis. The tour manager went and got the stuff. Yeah. No runner. No runner, the runner is bullshit. It's a waste of money.

And then I go, what's up with this rider? And he goes, you know, you're paying, the runner is bullshit, it's a waste of money. And then I go, what's up with this rider? And he goes, you know, you're paying for all this. And it's just a bunch of horse shit I put on a list that I don't even touch. So I go, cut the whole rider. What do you mean you're paying for it? You pay for the rider.

That's not true. Oh yeah. Tell him, give it a goog. You're out of your mind. You pay for the rider. Who pays for it? The theater does. No, they don't pay. Do you think Eddie Griffin is buying his own sneakers? And every company is even knowing. Well You pay for the writer. Who pays for it? The theater does. No, they don't pay.

You think Eddie Griffin is buying his own sneakers and every company can even know it? Well, not at a club. Theater. So the more successful you are, the less you get for free. They just think, oh, you're making so-and-so money. You're not gonna notice a bottle of tequila on the ticket.

I think you're crazy. Tell me. That's the benefit of succeeding. That's what I always say. The richer you are, the more free shit you get Which is insane that I agree with but I'm telling you you pay for your writer chuck thinks you're crazy Go go give it a go. I just did your writer for tomorrow. Uh-huh. They're not gonna Take money out of your guarantee

You don't think no they don't do that. How do you know? I've been in a band for 15 years They never took money out of our our money. Well shit, I just cut my whole ride every other year. I think you're out of your mind. I'm telling you, I just assume why would they pay for my tequila? Because you're the guest. You're bringing them tons and tons of money. Yeah, I know. You're a filter.

I think I'm just renting the theater. It's a small cost. So if they say we're going to give you $1,000, you're not going to go, I want a pizza, so they take 16 dollars out of your thousand. That's how it works. I don't know, I think it is. Maybe you're right, I don't know. But I hope my rider has tea, I think they go get the tea.

You got to email your agent on this. Yeah, literally. They're making you buy that your own shit, that's crazy, you're bringing hundreds of thousands of dollars to town. That's what I thought, but they're like, we're not your shopper, you know, where you're a theater.

You wanna bottle tequila, some almonds and banana. We'll get it, but you gotta pay for it. I think you gotta get that rider back, night rider. Yeah. That's the whole benefit of the rider. You don't go on if your rider is not, well, yeah. That's what these rock bands are like.

Easy rider. I think. Okay. Yeah. That's are like. Easy writer. I think. Okay. Yeah. That's part of the Google. I think. I mean, email your manager right now. Just ask.

Yeah. He ma a pooch. Ask, ask pooch. All right. Yeah. It's telling me it's a debate. It's for Mark, because I try not to bother him with stuff. Unless it's the pooch is Mark.

Okay. Pooch is scary. So whatever we do, we do the Brown Theater. And it's one of those theaters where like it's a of those theaters. We're like it's a tough town It's a this a school fair going on where they're doing a goat race It's so funny when you like you get to you like oh Kentucky everybody thinks you wear a barrel You have no teeth you're chucking a bottle with X's on it then you get there. That's a fucking goat race You're right. All right. Well something something's adding up

But whatever so we didn't fill it up all the way, but we had a good time Blake Hammond opened. He's killer. He's a Midwest guy Ohio guy killer. Hey Blake check him out and Then we did the hang after it was great. We filmed the whole show got nothing out of it wasted a bunch of money there, but next night Cincinnati Underrated city Love Cincinnati. I believe at one point you and I argued Cincinnati versus Cleveland. You said I was crazy. I think it was Columbus I think it was Cincinnati. Oh maybe right. Well either way. I'm all Cincinnati now. Oh, that's funny I'm all I'm all Cleveland. Oh, he switched

Transition, but I love Sinci. I love Sinci. It's a hidden gem. I mean it's right over the river It's one of those things like all right. We drove from Louisville to Cincinnati and I was like are we we uh We in Sinci yet he's like we're still in Kentucky. I'm like we're still in Kentucky And the whole thing's wacky with the Kentucky to Sinci the Ohio the river. It's with Kuku. Yeah that the bridge by the way the Speaking of stealing an artist the Brooklyn bridge was based on the bridge into Cincinnati Get out of here. Yeah, why yeah Bighten Bighten the the artist all right, so we go to Cincinnati cute town. We do the taft theater. Whoa. He's good

Love taft fat president. Yeah, VP so taft that president. Yeah. VP. So taft, unlike Louisville is in the heart of the city. We're right by the town square. And then the guy goes, you want to see the wall of comedians? I go, sure. Carlin Cosby, a chaplain, you know, just all the great fun

rapist Woody Allen, you name it, Robin Williams, all these dead people. And that was fun. So you get that one right under Carlin. And what a show, but I tell my tour guy, after I got rid of the rider, he goes, what do you want? They go, what do you want us to do to kick someone out?

Like, you gotta give us a code, let's say for word. You know, the staple is buy that guy a drink. Right, let's get this guy a coke. Get him a water. Yeah, that means you that guy a drink. Right. Let's get this guy a coke get him a water Yeah, that means you're out of there. Yeah, so I said I don't want to go with the same old So let's go with tas that motherfucker. That's mine. Oh, jeez. So he tas that motherfucker. It's a laugh I'm not sure about this idea. Well Tays that motherfucker. That's my move, and it always you know gets a chocolate

And I say don't throw him out, give him a stern, what for? You know, give him a little chin music. I mean, I can see where some problems would come up. Really? Wow, I mean, if you say taste, that motherfucker they immediately go talk to him. He might think that he's about to get taste. Well, that's what I'm getting at.

Okay. So, yeah, I don't know how you didn't see this coming. So we're at the tafty, and this puppy is filled to the bruh We got 1700 people. It's a beautiful theater right in the heart of the city. There's a reds game going on So I appreciate the folks coming the reds lost but Blake goes out kills it and I was like, oh man, we got a hot crowd here. This is a beautiful theater. We're gonna really rip it up I come out two people in the front row Chubbett Big big, big, big wigly arm lady.

Couple of taps. There you go. Yeah, exactly. So she's a tapped and it's other guy. I mean, he's, he's half in the bag. Half tough. Yeah. And, and they just start chirping right away We love you. Oh, I go what do you guys crazy from Kentucky? You got to do it right before Kentucky so the whole crowd hates them because it's a bunch of Cincinnati people and they I'm sure There's a little rift yeah sure and I'm like all right great But you guys just got to chill the fuck out and I'm like go it into a bit and they're laughing 200 the setups You know what you're like so So the other day I was at the grocery, ah, the grocery! Oh, he's gonna set something up here.

Here we go, baby, grocery store. He's gonna steal something, all right. I'm like, all right guys, take it easy. And they won't stop, but I'm looking next to them and everybody in their vicinity hates them. You know, just like, ah, ah, so now I'm just trying to get some momentum and it was like the pilot in the audience where I kept being like, all right, so, you know, and was like the pilot in the audience right kept being like all right

So you know and then the other day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right What was I talking about and I'm sweating and I'm losing it when you're losing in the theater at 1700 people like come on buddy. What where where you at here? You need that momentum It's a lot of people to carry and hold on their attention So I am just spasming a little bit. I'm like, uh, what was I saying? hold on their attention. So I am just spaszing a little bit. I'm like, what was I saying? Hey God, what, will you shut the fuck up?

And the whole thing is very unprofessional. And I just go, somebody, tas that motherfucker. And it gets a big laugh. And then I see a guy down there. And he's like, these two. And I was like, tas that motherfucker. And he goes, and he pulls out a taser and I go, no, no, no, don't taste him, yell at him.

And he said, you said, Taze. So now I'm fighting with the guy in the aisle of this beautiful theater going, don't taste him. And he goes, you said, Taze him. And the crowd goes, you said, Taze him. And now we got a hold back and forth. It was brutal. Oh jeez.

But I was like, don't taste him, just yell at him and they yelled at him that didn't stop it. So the whole show sucked. Oh, jeez. But I was like, don't taste them. Just yell at them and they yelled at them but they didn't stop it. So the whole show sucked. Oh, I fucking died. Oh, big bomb. I hated them. They wouldn't shut the hell up. They're like, well, we love you though. And I'm like, I hate you. Well, we love you. We love it. And I go, what do you guys do? Where nurses like, oh, this is horrible. And then at the end, I got to do the meat and greet greet so I do a thing where if you pay 10 cents more I'll meet you hug your kids take a photo with you go to your home sleep in your couch and You know do a video with you. Okay big mistake. Guess who's on the list

Taser guy Taft and Taft Jr. Taser like show. Yeah, so I'm back there like, oh god, I bombed. You know, after the show, I was covered in sweat. I'm like, oh, it was brutal. We got a hot theater. I fucking ruined it. The opener killed. So one of the things we could see the opener on the side going,

man, I killed. What's up with this guy? He's the headliner. Yeah. And just dunk it up. But then I'm in the back going, oh, after the show's like, that was brutal. They're all like, ah, you're fine, it's fine. The runner's gone, we're good.

And I go, give me a glass of tequila. They go, you got rid of the rider. I go, ah, shit. So then this guy goes, all right, we got to do the meet and greet. You know, these people paid a bunch of money and he goes, I got bad news. The first couple up is the taft and taft, Jr.

So I had to go, hey, thanks for coming. They were like, we're sorry, we're a little drunk. We got carried away. So now I'm like, no, no. So now you do the ap- I'm apologizing to them now. Right. It's the whole thing's wacky. And then they, we did the whole beaten-greedy shake hands.

It was very nice, nice people. And then we got out of there. So then we get back in the green room and I go, what's going on tonight? What's the big hub of? And they go, well, UFC fights are happening. And I go, oh, we got to go somewhere to watch the fights. Because we got Sean O'Malley, sugar Sean.

Right. He's got the pink corn rose. I don't know if you see it. I know, O'Malley. He's good. He looks not like an athlete. Not at all. Finn, weird looking, a little Aidsie, Tats, tiny man,

but he's tough. Yeah. Best accuracy in the whole sport. Right. Punch wise. So, I go, we gotta watch this. And I'm sitting there with the video guy, Chase. He's a nice kid.

And we're like, whoop-bar, should we go here? Should we go there? Well, you can go there, but there's a $50 cover because you have to buy the pay-per-view, that's how they get you. Think the theater pays for that. Yeah. So then, I go, well, I'm miserable, the night's moot.

I hate myself. And he goes, we can watch in my office. And I go, that's kind of weird. He's like, well, we got a big TV at the office. We'll turn the lights on. I got the keys. And I go, fuck, let's get a box of white claws and some beers.

We'll go to your office. That sounds nice to me. I was a little underestimating. We get to this guy's office. He's got one of these warehouse loft offices. Opens the door, slides. One of these old warehouses open. Click, click, click, click.

All the lights come on. He's got the whole floor, mini ramp, ping pong, basketball court, trampoline, big bar, couches, I was like, what is this? Say, let's go to my fun house. I know. It's a tough office. Exactly.

I felt like one of the ninja, what do you call the foot clan? Remember that foot clan? That's what it looked like. Shredder. That warehouse with the skateboarding and everything. That he's shredder. So he does, he's like, he's one of these 27-year-old Gen Z kids who just is a genius and has everything

figured out. He's already a millionaire. He started working for Taco Bell when he was like five where he would do their marketing. He's a Gen Z's, yes. Yes. There you go. Boy, I was hot earlier. Sorry, guys.

Sorry. Hit the wall, but we get there. I'm now I'm hitting the mini ramp. He throws me a white claw. I go radical. I chug that and then he gets on the laptop. And HDMI fights are up here. Oh my god. Having the greatest night. We're drinking. We're ping ponging on during the commercial breaks. We're shooting. Hope. Dunkin alley ooping and I've got the pinball machine going, and now the omalley fights up. And the omalley fight, he's fighting Al-Jemaine Sterling, who's a much bigger black guy, you usually do the black guy math, they usually win. So he's got the uh, the up, what do you call with the money? Favorite? Favorite. He's the favorite favorite not of the brown hotel, but in this fight he's the favorite and I

Go fuck it. I'm gonna put some money on home alley and he's like doing the numbers and he's like Ah, yeah, yeah, if you win you'll win like eight million dollars if you lose you got to pay out seven million right And I said I have fuck it. I almost taste the guy tonight. Let's do it. So We put I put the money down. He does all the whatever I give him 20 bucks He wins. Hey That all ends well and we we we drive home drunk and go to bed and fly fly out of there the next day And it was all worth it. I love a fun house. That's all you want in life It's just give me a ramp and a TV and a bar this This kid he's in a Forbes this kid chase for a 30 under 30

Whoa, wow, like he's just being thing. Yeah They just make it like he just I'm a video Savant I know how to edit and I dropped out of high school to edit and I made a million dollars my first year And you're like when I was 27 I was guzzling paint thinner to try to get a buzz I think a lot of people as bad as bad as TikTok and Instagram first year and you're like, when I was 27, I was guzzling paint thinner to try to get a buzz. I think a lot of people, it's bad, it's bad as TikTok and Instagram and the internet is, and also it gives them, they see things.

I never saw anyone succeed in my life. Exactly. It was just people on TV and Irish plumbers. So I didn't know, I was like, I guess I gotta try to be on TV. I didn't know there was like moves you could make. Yeah, well he's smart enough where he'll avoid the politics, he'll avoid the whatever, and he's just like,

how can I make money? He's got two kids already, he's married to a lady. Gross. And he lives in this giant warehouse, not that one, but he has a whole mansion in another part of town and he lives in with his two kids, and I'm like, you're 27, you have two children, you're a zillionaire. I'm 39, like you're way ahead of me.

You're gonna be great. Yeah. You're in Forbes. I think you're doing pretty well. I'm doing okay now, but I'm just saying, like this kid was on cloud nine and he was, he never, it's like you said, with YouTube, there's a tutorial, you can learn Japanese tomorrow.

Right. And that's what he does. He does. Yeah, so what do you got on the writer? You can learn Japanese tomorrow right and he that's what he does So what do you got on the writer the pooch is howling and I'm surprised wait a minute Well, it's a little confusing. All right, okay. Here's exactly what he says It comes out of the catering budget, which is a show expense. Thank you artist pay it for a theater show is Typically based on gross sales minus expenses and catering is So they minus it huh so if the writer is expensive with a bunch of liquor and food and that's added as an expense and comes out of the back end

Okay, so I was like all right. That's weird. I said that's I said I you know I've been in a band for a long time They've never taken the stuff on our writer out of our guarantee and he wrote back You always get the full guarantee the guarantee is an affected just the back end never taken the stuff on our writer out of our guarantee. And he wrote back, you always get the full guarantee. The guarantee is an effected just the back end. What's the back end, man? I don't know. A percentage deal. Well, still you're getting less of a percentage. Right. Or $50 less. And it's not much, but it's still the price of a bottle of tequila and food. It says, it says if Mark is doing

a date where he is just giving a guarantee with no chance of a back end that it doesn't matter, but I hope his theater tour allows for a back end. It does. Right. And if I hit over a certain amount of people, you get the back end, and I hit it in Cincinnati, which is where I have a writer.

Right. Interesting. Interesting. So it does come out of your pocket. But now you still have, now you don't get the tequila, though, so you'll have to just go buy it on your own. I just went to the bar at the theater. I went to the The bar in the lobby and I said give me tequila and they said ah you're you're on the show interesting Oh, I found a loophole. I see so I guess what you're paying for is them to go get it. That's what it is

That's pretty it's still pretty good. It's still pretty good. You just got to adjust your rider so it's not wasting any. Yes. Exactly. If I get a fifth of tequila, I might have three drinks and then there's a 88% of a bottle of tequila left and I can't fly with it. Right. So I'm wasting it. It's interesting though because like the comedy club, so is any Griffin that he is buying his own shoes? I think clubs are different. Interesting. I think a theater would give you more of the free stuff. I know, but a theater is actually more disconnected. A club and a comic are a little more or some hot deco, or as a theater is like,

you rent this and you're like a hooker. Right. And if a hooker got your tequila, you'd have to pay for it. Right, Crystal's a production manager. And that's, yeah, it's very like structured. It's very, very corporate almost. Is how you want to think about it. I think Crystal's a hooker. But's very, very corporate almost. Is how you're going to think about it. It's crystal to hooker.

But how much is the bottle of tequila? You get a nice one. I don't run you at 40. No. You know, not a ton of money, but you do 40 bucks every week, plus the bag of almonds, plus the fruit plate. I just set a bunch of shit because I thought they paid for it. Yeah, well, we'll are paid tomorrow be affected by it,

by our rider. What are we having our writer? Well, we're not gonna hit the boat. Yeah, we're not even gonna just just the same stuff as Grammyshee tea granola bars and two pizzas. Yeah I think we got a guarantee so we'll be all right Yeah, so the key is to not sell a lot of tickets and you get free shit Yeah, but doesn't make sense. You're still, but if you hit the percentage, you're making twice as much as the guarantee. Sure. So you're getting out of a twice as much, but whatever it is,

you're making a lot more. Yes, yes. But I'm wasting a half a bottle of tequila. It's kind of like in another sports analogy. I remember like watching in hockey, it's like when there's a delay, there's a penalty, you know, this is too, no one's gonna make any sense.

Okay. But like, when you have a penalty, it's like, you got an extra man in the eyes and everyone's like, well, just let them score so you can get, make it even again. Oh. Like, I remember my cousin saying he was like a child at the time. Right. And you're like, but then you're down a goal. The whole point of the game is not give up a goal.

Exactly. It's like, doesn't make sense. It makes sense. You're saving money by not going over the guarantee, but you'd make more percentage in, get your free stuff. Yeah. Well, how are you looking? OK. I would think about a fat guy on airplane, but I'll save it.

We got time to do a fat guy on airplane. Well, there's nothing to it, but I go back to this every time I had the guy I booked this flight late. So I got the pretty good seat. It's the here's first class. Here's the coach, but you're in that first row of coach and you have that big open foot area where the door is. Does that make sense to the door of the plane is right here?

And then oh yeah, you're here. You can't block the door. So plane is right here? And then- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. The seats are here at the door. You can't block the door. So you got a good five feet of foot. Right. Five feet of foot. Yeah. So you got five feet of foot and I got the, I'm in the window.

I got the middle open and there's a cute little lady on the aisle. And I got all the room in the world and I'm like, oh, baby, this is just as good as FC and in walks male Lizo. I mean the biggest fat is fucking asshole you've ever seen and again I don't care about fat. You want to be fat, I used to be fat, my family's fat, Chuck's fat, but this guy was huge and he goes right down in that middle and he had to do one of these where he had to go. He just shimmy into it because he was his body wasn't fitting in the little compartment of the seat. Right. Because it was one of those ones that had the hard, the full thing. The full walls. It's not just an arm. It's a wall wall. Build the wall. Yeah.

It's not just an arm, it's a wall, wall. Build the wall. Yeah, Donnie Walberg. And he sat down, and of course it just muffin' tops. And now I'm doing one of these. So I'm sitting like this where this is his body, so I'm up here on it. It's like a little rest, but not a bit's a big rest. And I'm just like, I don't care if you're fat,

you can do whatever you want. I don't care if you smoke, but it's the second hand fat. Right. Because now you're coming into my world, you're ruining my life with your fat. Yes, it's kind of random, I tried to do a bit about this years ago, about I had a backpack on in the train.

I think about the people I take back back up. And I'm like, but what about all these fat assholes? Exactly. I'm still smaller than the average American with the backpack. Yes, it makes sense, but people get weird because you're making fun of fat people. Right, exactly.

I'm like, what if I put a t-shirt over me in the backpack? Now you're good? Yeah, I'm just fine. Exactly. I'm just, I get it. You know, I take my backpack off, whatever, but you're like, you're 300 pounds. Yeah.

I'm smaller than you with a backpack. I can hike fucking to Machu Picchu with a backpack that makes me smaller than you Yes, yes Picchu So yeah, it was just it was a six-hour flight because I was going to San Diego and I'm just like You've ruined the flight for me and you now and the lady next to you And I don't mean to be mean to the guy. He's not trying to ruin my life sure But he is and I'm up against the window because I'm trying not to hurt his feelings

And he kept having to do like the he would sit like this like because he didn't want him It was too much already. He couldn't put his arms out because it was too big of a wingspan and he was ruined I was ruined and I don't know. He like he bought the middle seat. I guess he had a He just had a he was desperate. he had to get there, but tough. Yeah. Tough sledding. Yeah, it's not easy. I don't know what to say.

Well, I think I, after about four hours, because you got six hours, but that's about four, I just, I just tuckered out on him. Oh, okay, that's nice. It was a bean bag chair at that point. So I feel bad, I'm not trying to body shame or you know, Lizzo shame or whatever, but you think you got to figure something out with this guy. Remember the, uh, the following line about Ralphie May in the bean bag chair.

Oh, so good. So good. Ralphie May is in a red bean bag chair. He goes, looks like he jumped out of a plane. The shoot didn't open. open you landed on a coat That's like a cartoon you visualize the whole thing So good to follow is get the best visual stuff Yeah, that's gold every week we should incorporate in the Apollo line I would love to be too Ralphie May is just a grab bag, you know, cuz fat jokes never don't work Somebody had a great one on Lizzo. They said I'd stand by her, but there's no room. I got to class. That's very good.

Okay. Well, thanks a lot, folks. We're fat. I'm a fatty. Georgia saying, cut it. That's a bunch of day. Where am I going? Uh, I don't know.

Somewhere at Skankfest in a month. Oh, that Nashville is coming up. That's September 21st to the 23rd. I believe, and I think I have another date somewhere, my book's over there, I don't feel like opening it. But Nashville in September, and the specials out right now, enough for everybody on YouTube, share it, tell everybody you know, leave a nice comment,

give it a like, go watch the old specials, get that algorithm, and everyone tell me, I'm not plugging my supplemental jacket in, it's like, go watch the old specials, get that out of the go and everyone tell me I'm not plugging mine for mental jacket and it's a great part. Yes, he's good. Are he's on there and I got CQ coming up soon and that's a get that's going to be fun and a bunch of stuff on there. It's a great part.

Go give it a listen, subscribe to my YouTube. I got six. Oh, I got to say go watch a special watch the whole thing. The closer is so good. Oh, and I gotta say, go watch a special, but watch the whole thing, the closer is so good. Oh, thank you. We appreciate it. It's so well constructed and no one sees it coming. I don't want to ruin it, but it's quite a button.

And a bow, you were tied up the whole thing, beautiful. Oh, I appreciate that. That makes me feel good. I'm proud of the special. I think it's good. I hope you think it's good. I hate myself. Very good, very fun, very loose.

It feels, that's the one thing I'll say about the cats leaving everything. I felt like I was in the club That's what I want that's what you want is like this is a show this is what it's like to come But yeah, some people like rise in this tight and I'm like I don't have no work tight tight Fuck tight. It's a great at my your tight my wife's loose, but yeah, I'm all over the place I'll see in Europe. We're doing a protect our parks in a couple days When this comes out, so that'll be fun get the juices flowing again take 10 years off my life the regs, baby to cut the regs and What else mark on the comedy dot com for tickets

Soup to nuts enough for everybody, enough's enough. What's the stuff? Chuck. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. This week's episode is a fun one we went to did a con and we were moderating for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, that original girl. And the girl from Michelle Geller?

No, the one in the movie, Christie Swanson. Oh, Luc Perry. Yeah, from the program. Yeah, and the girl who played the main character in chasing Amy and we were doing a live panel Outside and there was a hurricane warning and it was pretty crazy. We're gonna. We're gonna put it all in episode We have footage of everything. It's really fun. Check it out subscribe to that and check out Joe on a we might be drunk It's a spicy one. Yeah, apparently Please check it out how about every pocket Santino's We might be and then it only takes one day for someone to write why the fuck is this bag on every Drinking sorry, but yeah great great time and check it all out. Thank you very much.

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