Tuesdays with Stories! - #520 The Dish Machine

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

Tuesdays with Stories proudly presents "The Tale of the Airpod Fiasco." Prepare the edge of your seats, ladies and gentlemen. Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show & get 20% off of Liquid IV at https://www.liquidiv.com with promo code TUESDAYS - New customers can get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just 5 bucks on any NFL game. Download the DraftKings app & use code TUESDAYS - Thank you to Firstleaf for sponsoring the podcast. Support the show and get your first 6 hand-curated bottles of wine for just $44.95. Head to https://www.tryfirstleaf.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show & get 50% off on your HelloFresh order at https://www.hellofresh.com/50TUESDAYS & use code 50TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why. Oh! Hey, hey, look at that, the bag squeeze. Oh, look at the bag squeeze. Remember that in the 90s? Oh, there was a big thing with the hyperventilating. Remember, give me a bag and they go,

Oh, yeah, I had a guy give me a bag when I was having my panic attack period. Ah, that was a ball bag. What was the point of, I got a new bit about that. You see on the porn, they're sucking on a ball. That's my worst nightmare. You see in porn sometimes, it's like a guy, sucking another guy's ball.

I mean, a girl sucking a guy's ball. Ball sack? Yeah. Oh, that's great. No, it's no good You don't like the ball suck. No, I mean I don't want to get too into it I'm just giving away my material. No, sorry. No, I don't like a ball suck one bit I don't want woman seeing my balls let alone sucking on them seeing him is tough But the thing with the balls I love ball play. I hate ball play. I'm all ball play. That's my number one. That's a right over dick play. Well it's like a meat with a side. You can't just have the meat. No I don't like my ball. I mean I can't even do this without just doing a bit. It's either ticklish or painful

to ball. Oh that's funny. It's like who whoo whoo, or like, ah, you know. I think it's a mental thing. You know, you put a thumb and a lady's ass, and you get turned on, but you're not feeling it. It doesn't feel good for your thumb, but your fact you're in the ass is hot. So I think with the ball, balls are so gross, they're wrinkly, they're hairy, they're smelly,

they're slimy, they're schmegmo. So the fact that she's willing to get in there is like, whoo, baby, this gal's into me. I guess so much couldn't she do that in your ass? Because that I'd be more into. A girl eating my ass, thumbing my ass, dicking my ass.

Yeah, my balls don't have a dick in it. Wait, no. My ass is covered in poo. Right. So that's another layer. But my balls are long enough that they're smearing the poo. Oh, my ass, soul, and balls are all their that they're smearing the poo. Oh my asshole and balls are all Their cousins. Oh really kissing cousins Kirk cousins. Well, you ever get a good ladle down there and give it one of these I

Have well you know me to the same old you but I've been low key. I mean I hang out and watch TV My hand is on my balls, 100% of the time. Hey, same here. And then I'll do it. I'll just kind of phone. My hand is on your balls. But Jack is just wrinkling a wrapper in the microphone over there. Well, the mic's not on. Okay.

There you go. I just hear a fucking, but anyways, I'll have my hand on my balls and then I'll scratch the nose, and then I'm like, I just throw it up. It's a sour stench of death, but it is fun to get a good whiff

of what you're working with. Yeah, it's a real, like it's a gym sock. It's like a gray gym sock. You know that kid that wear the gray socks? Yes, they're like a hockey bag. Give her open a hockey bag and give a good old-fashioned whiff. Woo-hoo!

Yeah, exactly. It's that kind of smell, my batting gloves used to smell like that, the inside. If you really dig into your belly button. Yeah, no, I can't do it. And then give that a sniff. Oh, that makes me more grossed out than the sack for some reason. Yeah, sackless.

Yeah, the sack is supposed to be gross. Sack lunch. But the belly button, you're like, ah, it's a belly button, but woof. That is a pit of evil. Yeah, so I have no balls, and I don't know. Check, check, check, check, leave it, we can run it out. You get back, because I got a tail. I got an all-time, and I'm not gonna want to miss it.

No, go, go, we can kill some time. We can devolve, I got some horse shit. I mean, I mean, this is a story. Oh, good. I got a story. That's the name of the show. I mean, you mean, this is a story. Oh, good. I got a story. That's the name of the show. I mean, you know, we say it all the time, you only really get two, three, four stories a year. Right. And the rest is just a guy fired it on the plane. You know, the train was late. Yes, this is a tail, my

friend. Oh, you're gonna have to buckle, you're gonna have to put on a suit. Well, this is exciting for me because we're all comedians, not him. But we're all comics and we get to, we have the story, you get to hold court, you're at the table, you're at the barbecue, the party. But I've heard all the years, I think. And you've heard all the lines. We're in reruns at this point. We're in syndication.

So now when I get to hear a new one and I get to hear it first, into the mic. I mean, this is something, I mean, I was texting you and it's one of these stories that you're like, well, that was crazy. Yeah. And then more develops. Ooh, nice. And you go, that was nutty and then more develops. Yes, that's exciting.

That's when you got a real story because you can have the beginning part and you get a chuckle here and there. But when you got the full arc You're in arc of the covenant, but I mean I don't know I don't know how hilarious this is this might not be a This is more of like a whoa what huh? Oh weird and I got to tell you Luke Monis is the MVP of this story This man. I'm in love. I got nervous. My heart flutters when I see this boy. Guys get a lot of airtime on this pod. I feel like we got to have him on a live app just so people can get a look at this seven foot Jew. He's quite a sight. I might add. He's one of these guys that like low key hot. There's certain man I'm extremely attracted to. Sure to Brad Pitt, Chuck, my father. There's a tough list.

He is a tough list. It's an ugly, you're dead. Tough list to crack. But some men, like, so does one of these guys and you find out later that he's hot. You know what? Really? It's so weird.

I do this other pot and there's a, there's a, what do you call it? Like a bullpen with like a couple of computers. And one of the girls is a cute little Jew broad and she loves comedy and she's like, Soda's coming in today and she ran in the bathroom with her makeup bag and went full in Nicole Smith, blackface. She came out, heels on, mini skirt and I was like, oh wow, I forgot. So I see him as a big goofy voices guy with a giant noggin. He's Nick Novicki if you ordered him large.

Give me an XL Novicki. I mean, he's not ugly. I'm never looking at Soda going, oh, but I didn't know he was a stud muffin. Oh, muffin top. He's big. He's really something and Monus is the same way. To me, he's just a tall boy who's sweet. I mean, he's got a great smile. Yeah. He's got something and Mona's is the same way. To me, he's just a tall boy who's sweet.

I mean, he's got a great smile. Yeah. He's got good lips. He's got the weird curvy, powdery lip. I guess so. Yeah, a powdery lip. Great head of hair. He's this beautiful hair, beautiful smile.

I'm I'm smitten. Yeah, I've never heard a lady go that Mona's though. I'm telling you, I'm out there. I mean, he's got couples coming up and giving him a hug. He'd be like, we liked you the best. Oh, and then like, we'll all of your openers get that. And then the husband's like this. Like a like easy sister.

No, no, like a Timonus. Oh, damn right, we liked you. We're gonna watch swingers tonight if you get my drift. Yeah, he's had a couple of those and he's got some real, but you can see them. You're like, they're like, hey, great show and what's your name. And they're really, you can feel the vibe.

Interesting. And he's a killer on stage. So he's got the whole package. Unbelievably funny, great package, nice penis. But he is a go-getter. Oh yeah. As you'll hear. Well, he snaps into action. He's one of these guys, like one time me and him

and another cat were out on the sidewalk and was about two in the morning after a show. We're all chit-chatting. And you know how it gets downtown. A couple of street dwellers, riffraff, derelicts, pop up, and he just kept going, no. You know, I do the fake. Oh, well, what are you gonna do, buddy? I had a girl scout cook earlier. I'm out of cash and he just kept going no, you know, I do the fake. Oh, well, what are you gonna do buddy?

Yeah, you know, I had a girl scout cookie earlier. I'm out of cash and he's like move it along asshole And you're like whoa, he'll step you well. He was raised properly. I said this he's a real I'm returning this I'm gonna complain I'm just like wow, I'll just eat this dog shit on here, but I'll eat it because my mother hates me Yes, yes, I'll tip 25% so they like me exactly that all right good review on Yelp This guy you don't give no fuck should I should I get into this tail? Do you want to throw some stuff out there? I mean you've been teasing I feel like you have to I Mean cuz this is it's like Broadway to any rose. I'm like you got to be anywhere

You want to order something you want to go to the bathroom. I'm up, my feet are up. I have a prostate issue. I can't whiz. I'm good. I got an itch. What's the itch the nose? It never stops itching. It's you broke the seal.

Have you heard about this new variant? Variant. Yeah. Everybody's got it. I heard you cough down the hallway. Big cough. Well, I turned my head. I cough.

Nail in the coffin. But my lady's a little under the weather. So I'm worried that she's got... Just gonna text. A cancel party this weekend. Cancer party! It's going, my dad has it right now. My father's game, my father's infected. And I read the thing, it doesn't make you sicker,

but it's very slippery. It gets in there. And did you see what the CDC said? I don't know about the CDC. They said the people who are vaccinated are more likely to get it. Really? CDC! No kidding.

How about that? The tables have turned. Why, why are the more vaccinated more? But isn't the vaccine worn off? We got vaccinated three years ago. Do they wear? Of course they wear out. Did they wear after like worn off? We got vaccinated three years ago. Do they wear? Of course they wear after like six weeks. Lair and tear.

Yeah, I think, I mean, I don't know what to know anymore. But I think the vaccinated, that's for the people that are getting boosted, I believe. Maybe the boost. Because there's a new boost coming. Uh. Well, I stopped with the booster seats. Boosted a Monty.

I mean, I haven't been vaccinated since 1988. Same, same. Quite a while ago. I got the polio and I moved on. I think, anyways, I haven't been vaccinated since 1988. Same, same. Quite a while ago. I got the polio and I moved on. I think, anyways, I'm nervous because I'm having a child. You don't want to get it right before the child. I know, the herpes is already a worry. It is, I mean, babies can die from that.

What? That's what they say when we're together. Uh, when, I think we're alone now. I think, if the mother gets herpes in the third trimester, so that the body's not used to it yet. So it's going haywire. And then the baby, they have to do a C-section

because if the baby squirts out through the vagina, it's a herpey outbreak, his immune system doesn't know how to, he doesn't know immune system. Holy hell. So he's just hurting, he'll just be like, pfft, wow.

Yeah, how about this last time I'm hanging out with Rosebud, you know, she's eight months, she's ready to go. Yeah, she's three weeks ahead of Sarah. Okay, and I go, so what's going on? What, how you feeling? She's like, oh, I'm going C section. Yeah, she's guaranteed C section. I go, why is that?

She goes, I got a perfect vagina. And I had to, I had to get up and then fan myself and do a little spritz in the sink and come back and Regroup good gravy. We got to cut this. I got I mean I got I know it was a lot I was like whoo boy This is global warming. It's hot here. Where's that friend of Thunberg? I mean I can't handle this perfect vagina. We got a block hands off the account It can't be here. I already called him. I faced time with him.

I said, talk to me, big daddy. Any details? Jesus, hey, John. I know. I'm voting Republican. I mean, that's it. I got a, yeah, yeah. Oh, man.

Oh, boy, global warming. Whew. That's no joke, by the way. I was just in Dallas. My child is doomed. He covered the boner with the bag here. That's no joke by the way. I was just in Dallas. My child is doomed. He covered the boner with the bag. That's right. The temperature in the dashboard 122 122 I've never experienced heat like this. Wow.

One o'clock in the morning you walk outside you leave the showroom. I'm talking 103 degrees pitch black. That's that's Biden's age 5 a.m. I walk out. He's like only like six months old and Trump by the way I know I walk out of the What do you call it the comedy comedy club and you think like oh? Yeah, the show that was great. You've been in the club for five hours Sure, and it's like a heat hot breath I know and your state is burning down for the first time ever is that right Louisiana's like crazy wildfires The mayor came on to the governor

He's like no one the history of Louisiana's ever seen anything like this Greece is burning down Other California Maui's gone holy hell that place is lit. We're doomed. Hopefully Hey, I will put up some fires. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. You can't go outside to get burned to go inside AI fuck your wife Did you know? Oh god? hope so, I'm into that. That's true, Anel insertion. Hey, that's pretty good. Something. Did you know, what was I just about to say?

Did you know? The global warming, Maui, Louisiana, Anel insertion. Shit, by Christmas. Christ, what the hell was I about to say the story the erection perfect vagina? No, see sick. No, no They were saying the guy that came into Sarah's work. He's one of these guys the people that don't know how to order So you got you got to play a part in this. He's this okay Sarah, okay? All right So when I say what kind of beard you have just start naming beers all right. Okay. All right, so when I say, what kind of beard do you have? Just start naming beers. All right, we got zero.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn't go to UCB. I felt cat-acted. No, here we go, ready? Hey, yeah, hey, nice, nice laugh. What's up there, Fussy Britches? What kind of beers you got? All right, tonight we got a Bud Light. No.

We got Miller Light. We got Cooler. We got Amstel. We got Heineken. No, no. I mean, is that not brutal? You let the person give all the beers, and then you say, you pick one. Oh, yeah, this is Heineken. No, no. I mean, does that not brutal? You let the person give all the beers, and then you say, you pick one.

Oh yeah, this is what it's like this. No, no. Who does that? This guy. I hate this guy. Bad guy. Horrible guy. George is saying, got it.

Sheesh, got it. Brand him. Hey folks, Tuesday's with Stories is brought to you by... LiquidIV. Do you actually hate your life or are you just dehydrated? I'd rather not answer. Dehydration can actually cause a decrease in serotonin and serotonin, which means that you can experience anxiety, irritability and sadness.

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Inslee when you bet five bucks on any NFL game download Download DraftKings app and use code Tuesdays today. So, you wanna hear this story? Yeah, I guess so. I'm, but hold on, let me buckle. I think I might be over building. Oh boy, big build. No, you said it's a story. I'm punching my ticket.

I'm getting a popcorn and a soda and I'm sitting in a big chair that vibrates. It's a story, but I gotta need you to punch it up because we told it to- I'm here for it. I'm a comedian and he was like vibrates. It's a story, but I gotta need you to punch it up because we told it to a comedian, and he was like, well, this isn't very funny. Oh, who's this guy? Was this the beer guy? I don't want to say who it is.

Man, what a damn fool. It was very hurtful, and then we told it later because more developed. Oh, wow. And everyone was laughing, we're like, no, it's funny. Okay, okay. Funny story. Okay, so I'm out in Dallas, Fort Worth.

Dallas improv. Yes. Great, great comedy club, Mr. Great. One of the great improvs, great town. It's an Addison. Addison improv. It's an 80.

I think it's my favorite improv that I've been to because it feels like side splitters. It's like a roof. It's in a building and it's small and dark and feels a little bit, shit, like a little bit of stank. Little stank, it's next to a dueling pianos bar. It's in a weird kind of complex. Yeah, and there's a,

I heard what you call it. What do you call the handy? Rub and tug. Rub and tug right across the way. Is that right? One of the waiters just popped in. And I was sitting there getting ready to go on, I and meditating. I'm thinking about my future and climate change and the waiter just came in and he goes, Hey, I don't know what you do, but there's I know you don't drink

with us a rubbentug. Which was nice and strange. Yeah. It's thoughtful and considerate, but it's also inappropriate. Yeah, I felt like, in, you know, the guy that tells the story in Fargo, I'm like, what do you think I am? I don't set up this guy to think. Right. But that afternoon, someone tells you about it, you're like, yeah, you picked my interest.

I don't know, that's such a... I'm peaked, put the bag on me. It's just like a label-less black door massage open till like 11P, and I was like, hmm, ooh, I didn't dabble, but still, but interesting. What is my Black Door? So anyways, great club, awesome club, flying down there, first class, very exciting. Very exciting, because that's a hefty four hour plus.

Yeah, it's a haul. So, and I got a window seat, which I don't usually like, but I got upgraded, so I'm like, that's all, I'll take the window. Definitely take it. First class window, although I sometimes I think a comfort plus aisle is better than a first class window because I drink a lot of tea and water and I piss a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Holding a piss can be quite unpleasant. I think you're right, unless it's a lay down. If it's a lay down, you gotta take the lay down. Lay down, absolutely. But lay down, there is no real window. If you're a lay down, I guess there is. That's true.

Lay. No, no, no, there's a window, but it's still an aisle. Yes, exactly. You're on the end. So anyway, and it was one of these ones with the guy sleeping and I'm like, he never got out the whole flight. I don't understand these,

don't get up a whole flight people. What is this? A Cosby victim? Get up, it's four hours. You know what understand these, don't get up a whole flight people. What is this? A Cosmie victim? Get up, it's four hours. You know what scratch? You don't have to piss? Yeah. Any jizz, I'm in the window and I have sweatpants.

I like to fly with sweatpants, so I'll come for me. And then I got my air pods in the sweatpants. Now sweatpants, they're loose and they got a big pocket. Yes. So I'm very self-conscious about the air pods. They're here right now, so I'm checking compulsively. Always. Keep doing that. I shift them up so they're near the smelly balls. Yep. Yep. I'm safe. Checking. I'm listening to a podcast for the first hour or so. Then they bring a breakfast,

which is exciting. Very exciting. Now when I get, when I'm eating a meal, I have to be watching something unless I'm with people and hanging out. Okay. I got to be in front of the TV. It goes back since I was a child. Interesting. I got to have a movie or unless I'm with people and hanging out. Okay. I gotta be in front of the TV, it goes back since I was a child. Interesting. I gotta have a movie or a sporting event on the television. That is the height of luxury. Eating in front of a TV was something good on. You can't beat it.

It's the best. I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't sit around a table going, oh, I was your day. We, right in front, we had cheers, jeopardy, whatever the fuck. That's fake. I think that's a myth in the 50s magazines or whatever. You sit around the table, jeopardy, whatever the fuck. That's fake. I think that's a myth in the 50s magazines or whatever. You sit around the table, you go, hi, say grace and what black people do you hate?

We're like the castanters. You take TV out of our relationship. My family is just nothing. It's board games, card games, or television. Okay. That's a wrap. Where are there's no talking? What about like in Maine,

when you're out on the woods with a tent? No tent will sit on a porch, but it's always cards. Mm-hmm. There's always we're playing scat. We're playing Poker whatever this is gonna be a game going. Okay, interesting. We're all games. Sarah's family's a complete opposite We're just talking philosophy and history. That's how my family is and it's I hated it I've hated it since I was a fetus. Yeah Yeah, games is good. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.

Love it. All right. Anyfires. Game on. So I'm up there. I switch. Now the food comes, so I switch to a film. I pop on a belt fiction or something like that.

I'm watching the thing. I'm trying to half asleep, half awake. Whatever, at some point, I realize I don't have my airpa, where are my airpa? Oh, good. I don't have it. The worst feeling in the world. So I'm like, they're not here. I go in my backpack and I always put them in one place and I'm like, they're not there. And I don't remember putting them back in there.

So I'm like, they must have fallen out of my pocket and I got the sweatpants on. Okay. So I'm trying to do in this. And you try not to freak out. A very self-conscious. Right. You don't want everyone to go and look at this guy freaking out.

Yeah, yeah, you don't want me to freak out, especially on a flight. I'm doing this and then I'm like, doing that shit. I'm trying not to freak out, a very self-conscious. Right. You don't want everyone going, look at this guy freaking out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't want you to freak out, especially on a flight. I'm doing this, and then I'm like doing that shit, and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna relax. They're on the plane. Yes, you had them in their ear.

I had them, I was listening to a podcast, they're here. Okay, they're here. They're here. So I go, okay, no sweat. Playing lands, I do the full turnaround, I'm like, you guys didn't happen to find any air pods. It's a father and son combo. And they're looking like, no, no, air pods, no.

If you're interacting with other people, this is serious now, we're on level orange. Oh, it's serious. And the dad is like, what's he saying? What? He's like, air pods. He's a teenager, air pods. Right?

Air pods. And I'm like, you would see them. They're white Yes, how far could they have fucking gone boomer? So I'm looking then I turn around I take the whole seat off the Floatation device. Wow rip it off. It's quite a sight under there and ain't pretty there's parachutes and M&Ms It's crazy So I take that thing off and I'm in the third row. So I got to get off soon Uh-huh, you know, you don don't wanna be holding up the line. No, no line hold.

So and then the guy. Hold. So the guy next to me, he's got the same AirPods I have. Plugged in, they're charging. And now you wonder those mine, you come, Guzzler. So you kinda do that moment of like, hmm. And I almost said, but he was like a big browey with tattoo and stuff.

If there's a little lady, I would've smacked her and taken him. But yeah. Well, that's why I put a swastika on mine with a marker, because you never know. A marker normander. Fuck me, marks a lot. All right, you got to punch it up.

I suck. No, no, keep going. I'm, I mean, tree, because I know this feeling. So I'm looking thinking of those mine. He takes them and he walks off and I'm like, maybe he's leaving my AirPods, but I'm like, but they were in my left pocket. How the fuck would he have got it? They got to be over here. Yeah. So I'm off and I'm like maybe he's leaving my AirPods, but I'm like But they were my left pocket how the fuck would he have got it? They got to be over here. Yeah, so I'm looking and I'm like I can't get off the plane. They're on the plane

Yes, yes the pilot get on the plane Pots on a plane then I say to the flight attendant Hey, I lost my AirPods. Has anyone reported AirPods or anything? His name was Shiva or Shiva? SHIVA small anything. His name was Shiva or Shiva, a S H I V A, a small, presenting as gay, I think Middle Eastern fellow. Shiva Mason. So she did guest butts.

So he's, he comes and helps me. This man, I gotta give a shout out Delta, Shiva, Shiva, Shivo. Shivo, above, Terry, Shivo. Andrew Shivo, whatever this guy's name is. Woo! Above and beyond. He's one of these guys, you know how sometimes you go,

hey, I'm missing something, they go, oh, that's crazy, and they do this. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Well, that's one of the keys to being first-clat. You get a first-clat, you're gonna get a little hand on the knee, cappernick, he's down there, fishing. I'm diamond, baby.

Oh, baby. Girls best friends, so he comes over and he's like, I'm gonna look around, he's like, I know these seats, I know this equipment, they're gonna find it. He goes, why don't you go up to the top of the jet bridge? She's like, don't leave, stay there. Now mind you, I have to piss so bad. You know me, I piss five times a minute,

it's been four hours. I feel like I have to throw up. Yes, they have to piss. In this time, Monas, he's on a different flight. He texts me, I just landed. I said, come to E17, we got an emergency, I need you. Yes, yes. I go to the top of the thing, he's like, I promise you, these cleaners, they find everything.

Oh, boy, attention is about to the urine, the pods, the time, the E17, Monas, like going on here. What's the guy that left with the air pods? I'm like, that was suspect. Yeah, I should have gotten his license. So I go to the top of the jet bridge, I'm waiting, I'm looking for Mona's, I want to throw, I run to the bathroom,

but it's like a line out the thing, but I'm like, I don't want to miss Shiva when he comes back and sits Shiva. Yes, yes, yes. So I run back, I'm in agony, and I check to suitcase, which I never do, but I was landing 20 minutes before Mona's. So I was like, well, I'm waiting agony and I checked a suitcase which I never do but I was landing 20 minutes before Monus so I was like well I'm waiting for him anyways. I'll just check my suitcase

But how could I got but yeah, you gotta check everything but I'm just saying so I know now I know my suitcase is coming out the shoot and it's rotating and I'm like someone's gonna take my goddamn Oh Jesus layers wrinkles. I've never checked a bag ever so I I'm fucking sitting at the top of the jet bridge There's wrinkles. I've never checked a bag ever. So I'm fucking sitting at the top of the jet bridge. Shiva comes out, he walks out, and he's like, we haven't found them. Do you have to find my AirPods?

Ah, good question. You know me, I'm a fucking idiot. I don't know how to use a nap, I don't know a phone. You just want to give it to you, you do it. That's exactly what you're not. He goes, let me see your phone. Perfect Shiva. Hey, great, thank you, sit Shiva. He's a little guy. I mean this guy is

Invested. Oh, I love the shift. I'm in love with shiv. So he looks he pulls up the app I didn't even know it was on my phone He's like knows all these tricks that you swipe from the middle of the phone it brings down all these apps I'm seriously have no idea what I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, so I'm embarrassed So he finds it he looks it up, he's like, now they're on the plane, says it on the plane. Oh, wow. So I'm like, okay, and did you know now the app,

you can do like warmer colder. No way. It's so accurate, it literally is like closer further. What? Yes, it's wild. So he's like, Oh look at that apple, those Chinese. So he's like, okay, just come with me,

which is illegal, you can't go back down there. I was like, go back down there. And he's like, you're with me, I'm Shiva. Diamond, let's go. So we walked down the jet bridge, and now I'm seeing something you're not supposed to see. It's an empty flight with the cleaning people. They got like hazmat, they really clean.

I've seen them, they were full of shit. Nah, nah, they get in there with the COVID's back. They gotta start scrubbing. New variant. So they're spraying, they got the mask and the things, and they're, I mean, they really, shoes it up. And meanwhile, this plane is turning around.

There's like a whole pile of people upstairs in line waiting to get on. So what do we have? 40 minutes, because to get every fat American off of a Delta flight takes a chunk of time. It's been a few minutes. I haven't pissed. I'm, I'm gonna throw up and shit.

It's like the Depalo joke. You hold a pistol, only it turns into a shit. So I go down there. It's a funny angle. Now he goes, what do I got an alchemist in my stomach? Alchemist is funny. Yes. So now on the plane, it's totally empty.

The cleaning people are there. And they're all in my sections. Two ladies cleaning in my section. He's doing the tick tick tick tick. It's getting warmer. He's like, it says they're here, the right by your seat. It's right over your seat.

So I'm on my hands and knees. I'm looking, he's on his hands and knees. The cleaning women are just kind of around. And he goes, are you sure it's not in your backpack? You have your backpack. It says it's near there. And I'm like, I ripped my bag apart. I only put them in one place also. So I know they're not in your backpack. You have your backpack, it says it's near there, and I'm like, I ripped my bag apart. I only put them in one place also,

so I know they're not in there. He goes, put your backpack on the jet, up there. Yes, so we know for sure. So this is unbelievable. I walk halfway up the jet bridge, I put my bag, I come back and he's like, you're right, they're still staying there here. And so now I'm like, they gotta be

in the cleaning lady's pocket. Oh no, it says more elder. So like she's right there. and they're here and so now I'm like they got to be in the cleaning lady's pocket oh no says more elder so i like she's right there she's there where they are unlike the has to be he's taking out all the seats and it's like no country for old men it's a transponder it's like do do gotta whiz and I go listen. I'm not gonna delay a flight. This is crazy I gotta just give up and the guys like it's crazy because they're saying they're right here. Oh It's a plane. You like what the fuck where could they be we're pulling them up? He's like they're not in your pocket. I'm like they're not if they were my pocket

I would have to take my own life. Yeah, no, they're not in the pocket. I'm taking I'm showing them my dick I'm lifting my ball back. Sure don't let them touch the balls. I'm like, no, they're not in the pocket. I'm taking, I'm showing them my dick. I'm lifting my ball back. Sure, don't let them touch the balls. I'm spreading my ass all open. I'm like, Shiva, I got nothing. Oh my God, I'm on the edge of my tits there. So I go, okay, and he goes, go to the thing, report. He's like, we have your name, we know your name.

He goes, go to the Lost and Found, just reported. I'm like, I don't know what the hell that's gonna do. Exactly, they were here. Let's do it, we're right here. He goes, they'll turn up. They're on the plane. We're looking, whatever. So I go, okay, that's gonna do. Exactly, that we're here, let's do it, we're right here. He goes, they'll turn up, they're on the plane, we're looking, whatever, so I go, okay, I find Mona's, I go piss, it's like one of the, it's like a half, my bladder's destroyed.

I know that feeling. So I piss and he's like, I should've been on there. I gotta get on that plane. What is the Air Force One, the Harrison Ford? He is, just get off my plane. And I'm like, they're not gonna let you on, they shouldn't let me on there. It's illegal.

The plane's turning around. So I'm bummed. I've lost my AirPods. The AirPods are gone. I'll go to the Apple store, whatever it is. We go, we drive. We go to the hotel. We check in.

We fuck. We do the shows. So then, you got worse terrorists, by the way. I lost the bomb. I don't know where it is. We got to get shiver in here. So we get down to the club,

and I'm like, well, let me check to see where they are, because they track them. I look, they're on the other side of the airport. It's moved across the terminal. Okay, because the plane moved. Well, the plane took off. The plane took off, so I'm like, huh. Huh, I'm stumped.

And so I go, I think the cleaning people have it. Oh, some fat cunt is on the other end, clean another plane, listen in the Joe Rogan. Exactly. That's exactly right. She's cleaning the other plane on the other side of the terminal.

And by the way, I went, I got my suitcase. My suitcase is off the belt, by the way. Yeah. Because we were up there for 40 minutes looking for the air pod. So I let it take it. Oh, and they take it. Oh, fuck is my suitcase.

Right. So I had to go to the lost and found area, find the suitcase. It got inspected by TSA. It had the little ticket in it. Because it was just left there. So TSA grabbed it, they searched. So they found the dildos. They all the dildos, the lube, the herpes meds.

Sure. So I go up and there's this three black women at the lost and found. I'm like, hey, hey, I don't know. Shiffah told me to come down and give you my number and they're all like I mean yeah I was like I know it's so stupid. We had a good rapport. I was like it's ridiculous. I lost my airpods and she's like Okay, yeah, your name number just like does this. Yeah Anybody could take them. I was like take care., go on your hair, nice to meet you. Sure, don't touch your hair.

So we go, we rent the car, get the car, we go back, we're trying to figure it out. So now, hours later, we look, they're on the other side of the terminal. So I'm like, okay, they're still there. They're at the airport, something's up. Oh, this is weird. This is really getting spicy.

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We're hanging out. I go, let me check again. They've moved again. Now, they're on the premise of the airport, but they're off out of the terminal, and they're on a building. I zoom in. It's the Sky Chef's building. Oh, yeah. So I'm like, okay, and Luke is like, we're going to that building. He's like, we are going there in the morning. I'm like, you think? He's like, absolutely. He's that building. Ah! He's like, we are going there in the morning.

I'm like, you think? He's like, absolutely. He's like, if you don't go, I will take an Uber there. I'm going to the fucking building. He's like, the wolf. He's like, we're fixing this problem. He solves problems. He's crazy.

So I'm like, okay, we'll go in the morning. So we wake up like, boom, you hit the bell. The sun's not up. It's 155 degrees. He had a muslim in bed. Shiva came in blue me. I mean, that's Shiva, by the way, first class, Delta,

Shiva, blood diamond. Whatever the fuck, we go, we jump in the car, we drive out there, and this is like restricted area. We're literally driving on like a road, like it's all what's that called rumble strips. Oh, yeah. There's orange cones. It's like literally like it's like a horror movie. It's like no admittance.

Yes, yes, near 51. And the planes are like flying right over it's barbed wire fence. We're not near any terminal. Sure. And it is literally like a broken up road like and I'm like this is great. Like I think we're gonna get killed this is insane

Well, what makes you think you can get in the access to this joint? It's Luke he was raised with parents Wow parents who are like you have a right to live son You're a good boy, but can I just I don't want to ruin the story But can I just say the balls it would say you're talking to a guy who steals from Hudson news every Tuesday the balls it would take to see you scrambling with Shiva, Shiva, or Shava, and you know, you're doing this shit and you go, and then you keep scrubbing. I know, it's bold, but...

Bold brazen! Somebody took the fucking airpods because... They're moving. They're moving around. Yeah, yeah, all right. So we show up there, it literally it says restricted, no people get out of here, fuck you, you shouldn't be here.

We have your buds, keep going. Return to us. So I pull in there and it's all trucks, it's all 18 wheels and box trucks. And I'm in my Toyota Corolla rental. Sure. We pull up and Luke, he's like fucking Wyatt Earp. He's got a hat on and a sick shooter.

I got photos of him, I got a post him. It's crazy. He just walks up there. He looks like Kevin McCale just coming, going to close line Rambus. Wyatt Earpstein. He walks up and he's just doing this. Excuse me, my friends are in the building.

I'm hiding under the steering wheel. It's a loading dock. And this is where the sky shed, it's where all the trash go, everything gets to go cleaned and stuff. It's like you see like the food, you know the trays, they come up with, those things are wheeling in and out, big bags of trash, and these are like workers.

Yeah. They're wearing hair nets and gloves. These are ex-cons. And some of them are, you know, asylum seekers, whatever. Sure. The guys like, looks like, hey, excuse me, my friends air pods are in here,

showing them the phone. Oh, wow. And some guys like, what is this? This is unreal. They're in the building, the air pods are in the building. Did he get off on this? Is he enjoying this? Or is this just a matter of principle?

I think it's principle. I think he's a very principled man. Wow. He's a principal. Yeah Title sorry, I love that. So the guy goes I'll supervise it supervisor. We're like, yeah, yeah, get the supervisor Yeah, super so now we're sitting on it now mind you it is literally 110 degrees and we're like on no shade coverage cement Extra hot. Yeah, you can see there those fumes coming up in the in the wind What do you call that the mirage or the the heat rays wigglies the wiggly squiggly?

Yeah, and then we're also at a part of the airport like the planes are taking off It's like Wayne's world the planes are like Like I could jump and grab the wheel and fly away. They're right there. We're like on the runway everywhere. Know it, Mittens, restricted area. Get the fuck out of here. Cameras. Guy comes out, the supervisor comes out.

I was gonna say late 30s, early 40s, black guy, big smile, handsome guy, big plastic hair, net, gloves, the whole thing. He just walks out, he sees us, he goes, y'all a wild note. You can't be here. He's like, well, wild note,, the whole thing. He just walks out, he sees us, it goes, y'all a wild note. You can't be here. He's like, well, we are wild now. You can get a wild note.

You can get a wild note. You can get a wild note. Just two guys with glasses going, hi, excuse me, my airpods. You're a wild note. He's like, y'all a wild note, you can't be here. This is nuts.

You see the signs everywhere. I'm like, we see the signs, the airpods are in there. We show them. Now, he's up on the thing. It's like a loading dog. So he's up on the thing. It's like a, it's a loading dog. So he's up high and he crouches down right away and he's looking at my phone and he's like, huh, yeah, they're in there.

Shit, he's like, well, let me see what I can do. He's like, can I take your phone and I was like, take my phone. I know, but now we're lost another Apple product. Exactly, and it got quite uneasy, because the phone is unlocked. So he can send dick pics, he can look at my wife's pussy, he can look at your wife's tits. Uh, it's just everything's in there. Is this wild? And out guys is the supervisor. This is the supervisor is the wild now. Oh, he's the same guy. That's how he opened

He came through double doors. I was pictured a guy with a hair net and then gloves who was doing the trays. He's got the hair Not in gloves. Okay. There's one with them. He. He's he leads from the front or whatever you say got a Got an anal and I'd vote for this guy for president. He comes in. He's like yeah, y'all wild now You shouldn't be here and then we swing them around because we're like the lay-up parts are in there and he's like Oh, yeah, and then he's like maybe you're not wild now. Maybe you're all right. Yes. Yes. You're wiling in so he's like all right I can go look I if I can take your phone and I'm like, yeah, take my phone, take my wife, please.

That's all I want is my wife to get fucked by a black guy in front of me. But sure, well, they're in that. So he goes in, he starts looking. So I'm like, all right. And then he also, he's wearing airpods, by the way. And then he knows the importance. He takes three steps in and he turns,

it's like a movie, he turns and his smile goes, I'm an Apple man myself. And then goes in. So we're like, okay, we're in good hands here. We usually they're kind as a Samsung folk, if you know what I've been. All right. That's it.

But he goes in. He goes in. He goes in. Raycon. He goes in. Raycon. Raycon. His name was probably Ray.

So he goes in there. Ray Ray. His name was probably Ray. So he goes in there, Ray Ray big Steve. He goes in and so about 12 minutes pass. We're out there and we're literally pouring sweat on 50 degrees, planes are going by, and then the other workers are still working. They're just walking by us being like, what the hell's going on out here?

Right, right, who are these queives? They lost their jet weight. At one point, a car pulls up and we're like, this is gonna be security We're gonna be shot. He called the cops. Yep. They show up. It's two people they walk up and they're ladies in a cane one foot Six inches too short and she's like is this the Scooby-to-boop booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby-booby- You can't be here, you're gonna kill you off, you're whiling out. I'm like, this isn't a terminal, this isn't anything. We don't work here, we're just cops, you know, get out of here so they leave.

Okay. 10 minutes past and I'm like, part of me is like, I wonder if he's just fucking with it, what's he doing in there? I mean, is he like, is his feet sticking out of the garbage, he's gonna come up with banana peels and apple cores on his head and coffee stains? Yeah, and have you guys found any shelter? Have you seek to silence? Are you under a doorway?

Something I'm telling you, there's no shade. And at first I was doing like jump and jacks and shadow box. I'm excited. I'm all right. Jumping. I'm about to get my earpods back. I was it was too hot. I mean, I we're seeing Mirages and stuff. I saw, you know, Christy Brinkley was walking up and that should disappeared. It's a beechy, Mirage. So then he comes out, I forgot this part. I had told, he's like, what flight were you on? I was like, five, eleven, LaGuardia to DFW. Good, I had.

He's in there for 10 minutes. He comes out and now he's kind of laughing and smiling, he's like, I'm still looking and he goes, what was your flight again? 58, 41, 69, 32. We got a dyslexic here. And I'm like, his numbers were so far off of what I said. Those are, oh, maybe we got it all wrong.

Maybe this guy's fucking with us. Maybe we're two white privilege carons showing up at like a work space, a real job workplace. And like, excuse me, my iPods, you don't want to be that guy. And he like, excuse me, my iPods. Yeah. You don't want to be that guy. And he's in there going, these fucking idiots think I'm going to look for his fucking AirPods.

Yeah, there's some honkies out there on the rumble strip. They think we're going to help them. So I'm like, do you think he's fucking with us? And it looks like, no way. This guy's good. I'm going to bring good hands. He's doing it. And I'm like, maybe.

But I was like, the way he's laughing, and he's like, I'm still looking. Yeah. So when I was at the wrong flight numbers, I was like, no, no, it's 5'11." And he's like, okay, I'll keep looking. Interesting. And I'm like, he still has my phone.

So it's a little skier, because there's no turning back. I can't just be like, I don't like this. Let's go out of here. Yes, yes. He has my phone. Right. You know.

You need the phone. You're in Dallas. You gotta get home. The phone means more to me than my wife and Right. Which you, you know. You need the phone. You're in Dallas. You gotta get home. The phone means more to me than my wife and kids. So, apparently. I'm like, all right. So now, 15 more minutes. We've been outside for 30 minutes.

Wow. He's in there 15 minutes and I'm like, again, we're just picturing the other people holding his ankles and he's in there. It's like Star Wars. Yes. That thing. Who knows what's going on in there?

Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip. So finally he comes out and he goes, okay. We think they're in the dish machine. He didn't say dish washer. He said dish machine, which threw us off a little bit. Well, with the Mexicans down there, dish washer could be a guy. That's true.

Jose and Jose B. So he goes, yeah, they're in the dish machine. He holds them over the dish machine. It goes off. He goes, but they are waterproof. Oh. So he's like, you can't the dish machine. He holds them over the dish machine. It goes off. He goes, but they are waterproof. Oh, so he's like, you can't stop the machine. Every time there's no like abort on the machine. Ah, let's Texas.

Sorry, you can't abort. So he goes, yeah, they're in the machine. He goes, I'll let the whole crew know. Okay. I'm the supervisor. If they find them, we'll call you. We exchange numbers. Wow My name's I'll give a fake name my name's TJ. Okay. He goes my name's TJ

Here's my number. I get his number and I go okay great And he's like but they're in that machine. I'm pretty sure that's what it feels like we run everything through the machine when it opens Well, we'll find them. We'll call you. Oh, I think I might know what happened. But keep going, I don't wanna shit in your mouth. So, okay, I go, okay, no sweat. So we leave, and this is when we figure out what happened. Okay, hit me, hit me, hit me. You wanna hit me out there?

Well, I got an idea, but I don't wanna ruin the whole kitten kaboo. Hit me with the idea. All right, I think you had the airpods in your pants, you were freaking out, you were up in your ass, you had them in your balls, and so you eat breakfast, you put the pot on the tray. Then they scoop up the tray, and they put them on the little rack, and then they throw that motherfucker in the dishwasher. But before they do that, they throw them underneath the galley in the plane, which is underneath, there's a shoot. There's a little, what do you call that fake elevator thing?

Dumb waiter. Dumb waiter, there's a dumb waiter in front of the plane. I didn't even know that. They put that in, they go, they put them down underneath the galley into the other galley. And you know what that is? Underneath first class. Oh.

So the whole time they're pinging my phone, my fucking AirPods are right below the floor. Hidden Galaxy. We can't find them. Oh my god. So we're tearing up the rug, the seat, the everything. I'm blaming immigrants. This is unbelievable. They're underneath the plane. The whole place. So then they take the tray, they slide it to the other

side of the terminal, then they take it to the sky shifts office, they put it in the dishwasher, and this is why because the tray, they slide it to the other side of the terminal, then they take it to the sky chef's office. They put it in the dishwasher and this is why, because the tray takes up the whole table, the little fold up. Yes, yes. The tray takes it up. So I switched from movies, put the airpods on the tray and I remember distinctly being like kind of half asleep, like half a queer. And the guy was like, Shiva, was like, hey, can I take your tray and I was like,

oh yeah, take the tray, sorry. I wasn't present. So I would've been like, oh wait, wait, hold on. So the air pods stick to the tray, they go in the galley, they go in the dumb waiter, they're underneath the floorboards, that's why it's pinging, galley of the dolls. So now it's on the tray, safe and sound.

As soon as that dishwasher opens, I'm getting my airpods. Oh my lord, this is unbelievable. But wait, there's more to keep me more. There's more baby. Oh my god, what a tail. It's like my cock in your ass, there's more. It hurts. Keep going.

So we go back to the club and we're going, okay, hopefully, hopefully it happens, hopefully we find them Let's see I don't hear anything. How long does a dish machine go for yeah hour and I know they're waterproof But there's some wacky heat going on that they really burn those plates suds washing window washing the whole thing So that night I go all right. Well, I didn't hear from TJ, that's a little upsetting. I figured I would have heard from TJ. So Luke goes, hey, check to see where they're at. I go, well, we know where they're at,

they're in the dish machine. Sure. I go check them out. They're at this apartment building. Oh no, TJ. It's about 12 minutes from the airport. Westwall, not hill. I go Oh two hours, huh? This is interesting. Well, they're at this apartment and now Luke just goes berserk He's like I'm calling the cops. I'm gonna call the police. He's got a tattoo a Rudy Giuliani on his arm

I mean this guy he's a he's hard core. He's like I'm calling the cops Wow Maybe it was Jose the dishwasher. I was like the cops. What do you mind? He like, I'm calling the cops. Wow, maybe it was Jose the dishwasher. I was like, the cops, what are you out of your mind? He's like, I'm calling the police, we're going there. He's like, we're gonna go to that apartment. Whoa. And I'm like, I'm looking in like on Google Maps, I'm like, we're not going to this apartment, that's insane.

Yeah. It's like, it's out by the airport, this seems crazy. So I go, we're not going there. We'll figure something out. I'll text TJ in the morning. I'll see what happened. Sure. So we're like, But this is interesting,

because they're no longer at skyshifts. They're now at an apartment. Yes, yes. Then I wake up at, let's see, nine in the morning, get a text from TJ. Good morning. After looking and waiting for the porters to clean the machine, we were not able to find your AirPods.

I apologize for that. So I write back a couple hours later. I'm like, I'm like, what do we do? What's the move? We went out to breakfast, we game planned. Yeah, it's like, swingers, you got to, it's like a hot girl. You got to give it a minute. Exactly. So I write, no sweat. Thank you so much for your help. Very much appreciate it. I let three minutes pass. I send the screenshot and right. Strangely enough, they're actually now saying they're at this place down the street from the airport Very polite well done well manicure. Well, I'm trying to because I don't want to be Accusatory and this guy has been so helpful sure and if we don't believe we we believe in TJ

Okay, it's a good man. You can feel the vibe the, the wild note. I like TJ. The change of numbers, he had my phone, he could have deleted my checking account or whatever. Yeah, yeah, true. So he seemed quite trustworthy. So we're like, we like TJ, we don't suspect TJ. Of course there's a party that's like, this guy could just be crazy and fucking with us and beat us up.

Yeah, and he might live on Walnut Grove or whatever the hell. So 11.42 AM I write there, actually now, saying they'renut Grove or whatever the hell. So 11.42 am I right? They're actually now saying they're at this place down the street 11.50. Oh, it's like a minute. Get the text eight minutes later. We're at breakfast. I get the text. Looks like what does it say? We're freaking out. I pick it up. If you can come back to my job, I'll get them for you. This is getting ominous. Duh, duh, duh. Be here at noon. Whoa, what is this, a Western high noon? So now I'm like, wait, is this for real?

I look like this is it, we got it, we gotta go get guns, I'm like, do we get weapons, should we call the cops? Holy, you gotta bring Luke, you gotta bring backup. I mean, I don't know what's going on. If you can come to my job, I'll get them for you, which feels weird. I mean, what do you make of that?

Yeah, it sounds like he's, he wants to be greased. You know, hey, you come to my job. You slip me a 40, a 50, and we'll get these pods back in your ass. So he doesn't elaborate. So I'm like, what does that mean? So I give it 13 minutes pass, because we're sitting there going, it's good, it's bad, and this is crazy, the dangerous. I mean, truck all the beds. I mean, what do we do? Yeah, yeah, lucky 13.

So I felt like this was good. I wrote seriously question mark trying to get him to elaborate. Yes, yes, open up a little teach. Four minutes pass. He writes yes, sir. Oh, Jesus, guys, the closed book. Yes, sir, seems good. Yes, sir. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get him. I know, but you got no information out of the yes, sir. So I'm like, okay, 1221, 14 minutes later, he writes, can you make it?

Jesus, is this a gay code? Is this feels like some kind of, hey, come on by noon? Yes, sir, put it in my ass. I don't know what's going on at this point. I'm like, is this the trap? Is he trapping us, but Luke was good, because Luke's like, first of all, Luke is like, you're catastrophizing, and I'm like,

I'm not, I'm just looking at all angles. I'm not shitting my pants here. I'm just like, making sure we're not just going into a trap, like, fucking Han Solo. Yeah, you don't wanna be putting carbonite, but you can catastrophize, and so can I, that's what we do. But I'm not like, ah, freaking out, I'm like, what if?

I just think we should be calculated, look at this from all angles, but look at a good point, he's like, he's a federal employee, it's like, this is federal grounds, this camera's everywhere, what are they gonna do? Jump out and beat us up. True, true, and you have his name and phone number.

Exactly, and he just felt like a square guy, like a good dude. Uh-huh. So, he writes, can you make it? I wrote back, I think we can. This is very exciting, thanks so much. I want to really make sure he knows we're good boys. Yes, yes, we're excited.

So that eight minutes pass, the next text. What a breakfast this must have been. You guys must've been climbing plates together at high five. It was wild, we're eating pancakes, we're guessing the lips. A picture all the wages is in the cooks. What do you say? What do you say?

So I write, yes, seriously. I think we can make it. Thanks so much. Eight minutes past, 1230, even. The text. Wait, wait, 1230. I think you have to be there noon. Well, he said he'll be there at noon.

Oh, okay. That's what the ship starts. So we get the text comes in. Puh, puh, puh. What's it say? And that's Sarah. one of the divorce. It says, I have them. He's got the pods, baby.

I ride holy shit. Thank you. He writes no problem. So then we head out there, and this is crazy. Now we're pushing each other into the bushes. We're driving out there, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And they're still part of me. That's like, what if he hits us with a sack of pennies?

Sure. And you know, fucks our wives. what if he hits us with a sack of pennies? Sure. And you know, fucks our wives. Yeah, he might have a sock full of pool balls. I mean, I'm terrified, but also excited. We get there, we drive back through over the bumpy road, the orange cones, everything. Rumble strip.

We have to like smash through one of those wooden arms and stuff. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah. We go in there, we play team. Next to all the box trucks we walk up and then there's a guy out there who's got like the hat and the gloves the thing he's like what what is this what are you guys doing oh we know TJ dickless out of the way fatty we're here to see TJ he's got something for us and the guys like all right I'll be right back goes in there's like five minutes my heart is pounding very exciting

Outcomes TJ with The air He's got him and now this is the first time seen him in three days. Yeah, it's like a kid. He goes first and foremost I apologize the rubber tips have been taken. Well, is that from the dishwasher? No, he said Whoever took him did what because they have that ear wax and shit. So this person, oh, so they worst stole it. So we say what happened?

He goes, you want the truth? Wait a minute, wait a minute. I mean, hold on, I'm not mentally prepared for this. This is so fucking exciting. I've got a turtle head. I've got a boner. I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is unbelievable.

They went to the apartment. They were in the dish machine There's for elder the galley. There's so many fucking things Cookets have been everywhere there. They got like 10,000 steps So I say we go he goes you want the truth that we both go. Oh, give us the truth. We want the truth truth social You can't handle the truth truth. They're there. Yes Yes, yes, the truth is he told his crew, he's a supervisor, he told everyone in the crew, Oh God!

He said, all right, this man's air pods are in there, and when they come out, get the air pods. Well, they're in the sky shift. Oh, they're in the dishwasher, okay. Yeah, so then obviously, somebody, they went, yeah, no, they weren't in there. And so he just goes, okay, and he writes, unfortunately, we look, they're not in there. And so he just goes, okay, and he writes, unfortunately, we looked, they're not in there.

So then I sent him the screenshot. And as soon as he sees the screenshot, he tells us he goes, I gotta tell ya, I don't wanna blow up his shit, but he was like, I gotta tell ya, or this person's shit, but he goes, I gotta tell ya, I've been to this place before.

Oh, I recognize that address. I went to a barbecue there. Oh, so it's an employee gathering. So as soon as I saw that address, he goes, I got a photograph in memory. I saw that address. I've been there. We had a cook out there.

As soon as I saw that, I knew who it was. Whoa. He knows the person where they live. Whoa. So he called him into the office and he goes, you got five minutes to tell me where those airpods are. Or you're going to jail.

He's white, erp. He said, you're going to jail. And she said, she started crying and said, She said, Poppy, I don't want to go to jail. Oh, Poppy, I'm getting clues. I don't want to go to jail, pop. Oh, he didn't say Poppy, he said, pop. I don't want to go to jail, pop.

Okay. And he said, give that man his stuff. You don't take a man's shit. Go get that, he said pop. I don't wanna go to jail pop. Okay. And he said, give that man his stuff. You don't take a man's shit. Go get that, he said, you got 30 minutes to go get those air pods. You bring them back here in 30 minutes. You don't get in trouble. This is between us and the 50,000 people

that listen to the podcast. Sure, I love DJ. This is between us. He goes, get that man his shit. You're not taking this man's shit. And he didn't even say the air pod. He just said, get the man his shit. Yeah. And she knew what it was. He's didn't even say the air pot. He just said get the man is shit. And she knew what it was.

He's like, you got 30 minutes to get back here. So that's when he texted. He was like, okay, okay, pop, I'm sorry, don't fire me. She leaves and that's when he texted. He's like, yeah, I can get him for you. And then he texted. She must have come back and he said, I got him. Wow.

She took my rubber tips, which sucks. As the sound's not as good in the old fitness world, but you can order those on Amazon. Yes. So I got some new rubber tips coming in whoever this lady is Snatched them yep, and he he recognized it right away got on it and the air pods are safe and sound and then I said hey I'll tell you what and this is a twist for him. I go we're stand-up comedians. You got that right He goes you've got to be kidding. I go we're at the Addison Improv tonight

I want you to come you're my guest you and your wife the I free tickets and I'll tell you what we'll get all your drinks to yeah TJ and he said she's I said just send me your name and you're on the list All right me and my wife are coming and I'm like all right TJ Wow, I can't wait to see the wife if I know her like I think I do She's a beautiful lady. They'll invite us right in. I love it. So they're coming to the late show. I'm all excited. We're nervous to see T.J.

Of course. Of course. I'm writing new bits about black friends I don't have. I want to really pander. Hope you pull out the red carpet. Get this guy, the best seat, the best drinks, the best food. I tell them I want him in the middle, back a little ways. Who's not up front.

I want to put stress on him. Right? Smack in the middle, and they say, you want to take care of his job. I said, I want you to take care of every drink. The Remi Martin, Heineken's, good loss to ya. Hennessey. Hennessey, whatever it is, take care of them.

So we're in the back, we're like, so excited to meet TJ, can't wait to see him. I hope you did all material. You don't want to throw the new stuff at this guy. It's all I got is new at all sticks. Oh, TJ. So I walk out there and I'm like, where's TJ? And they go up. Never showed. No. They probably got killed by Rita, whoever. Just texted. My only thought was maybe he went to the Arlington Improv,

where God free was, which he might enjoy more. Maybe it was a blessing in Blackness. But yeah, he never came, which I was upset. I wanted to take a photo with him the whole thing, but the airpods are safe and sound. Wow. Back in the pocket. Is that a tail? That is the next level. Put it in the vault because that is sign sealed delivered. Clip it, post it, TJ. Big shout out to TJ. TJ, that's not his real name, but it's close to that. And TJ, we thank you. Shiva, we thank you. Monos, we thank you.

See, the beauty is if you're a good egg, it comes back to you. If you follow the rules and you play it straight, you shiva, TJ, these are good people out there in Tejas. Well, I feel like Apollo 13 of like all the men and women that worked hard, well the women just fucked me But the men who worked hard to bring it all back in but what a crazy cuz we thought they were stolen They weren't stolen. Yeah, then they were stolen. Then they were covered. I felt bad because I was blaming the the cleaner lady

And I was like ah, it's Barrelda Then I was like, ah, what am I doing? They're pregnant a dishwasher. Come on now. Here. I am blaming random people And then she came through and fucking sticky fingered it. And a bold move too, because it's like, you know, I guess she doesn't know, but I'm like, we traced the air pods back to here. Yes. And the air pods don't even work, because they're locked.

Once you put them, bricked, as the Luke was calling. Once you put them in the last mode, you can't, nobody can use them, so they don't even work. She could have pawned them though. Oh, maybe. You know, if you put them in the last one, you can't, nobody can use them, but they don't even work. She could have pawned them though. Oh, maybe.

You know, if you're working in the sky, chef, I think extra 20 bucks goes a long way. Yeah, maybe. And they're also like top airpods, although I prefer Raycon. Yes, $275 airpods. I mean, those are like, you know what I'm serious now. The pro. Yes. The pro is expensive.

I got the pro as well, and I'm all over with my pockets just like you yeah, it's hard and I'm not a loose things God I've never lost a phone or keys or I don't lose things a very particular I've lost many things and it fucking hurts about my 38th pair of Warby Parker sunglasses because I like those I've lost my airport once I to just put them down in the United Lounge and it's a white counter. You put it on there. You don't even notice it. It's tough and I know I put it on the tray. Like I said, I was half a I've never even lost my virginity for five. Hi folks, but yeah, I put it on the tray. It's crowded and and I wasn't fully Done. I was like I said. I was half asleep. Oh yeah, take my tray. Yeah.

And boy, The galley. Quite a thing. That's the craziest part though, is the finding it and they were underneath. Yeah. That's why it was so perplexing. It was like, what the fuck?

And something you throw a napkin on there, it's pretty covered, you know, that tray. So you can't even blame the the the Shiva son of an onion. But man, what a tale. Oh my god, the twist, the turns, the rollercoasters, of an onion, but man, what a tail. Oh my god. The twist. The turns. The rollercoasters.

The TJs. The wild and the dishwasher. So many people helped along the way. I'm very grateful. Shiva, TJ, Sky Chefs, Monas, but Monas really he was the driving force. Shout out to the Monet Monet because I would have gone out. They're here. Well, they're gone. Yeah. Oh, yeah. out. They're here, they're gone.

Yeah, oh yeah, absolutely. I was like, oh whatever. I would never think to go to the private access behind the scenes airport bullshit. That was why I gotta show you some photos. We'll plug them in, but he literally looks like fucking wire dirt walking up there. Wow.

I mean, look at this man. I mean, he's just going. Holy moly, look at that. Look at this. Yeah, he's a huckleberry. Is that unbelievable? I mean, look where we were, the vowels. Now, do you talk about that on stage that night

or how does that work? Because it's such an epic tale with twists and turns, but yet it's so long and you haven't punched it up. Oh, yeah, look at that. It looks like Darfur over there. I told it the first night, but it wasn't, there's the earpods back. Wow.

I told it the first night, but it's not too many jokes. I know. So that was crazy, you know, so maybe I'll punch it up at one point. I mean, this is a closer. I feel like if you can tighten it up and punch it up, that's the end of a special right there. Maybe, but that was the thing.

I had an earpods chunk in my last special. I was gonna dust it off. Oh, jeez. I was like, he's the end of a special right there. Maybe, but that was the thing I had an airpods chuck in my last special. I was gonna dust it off. Oh, yeah. It was like, he's gonna love this. Wow. I know DJ like I think I do. He loves air pod material. I thought we had something with that horse shitty EV electric vehicle.

I had a month ago, but this is a really humdinger takes the cake. That was lunch. Couple tails. I don't know. We over time. I don't even know what time it is. 55. Holy shit, that was an hour.

Wow, I got it, it was gripping. It was like watching Avatar, I was on the edge. Oh, geez. Oh, well we get five minutes, I'll be at the Addison, I don't know. Oh God. That's great. No, that's great.

I mean, people are gonna be pulling over on the highway to listen to that. I don't know about that. I Don't know if I can squeeze a lot of this in a class. Something in squeeze a few things in. Cut the squeeze part. Well, we did the Philly live app. I want to throw that out there. Thanks to Philadelphia The city of brotherly love for showing up at the palace of fine arts Performance of performing arts. Yeah, we had a theater the living arts. We had Umar, we had the roast out there, we had a great time, we had pizza,

Chuck made cookies or his wife made edibles, whatever it was. We just had a good old time, we had a lot of laughs, another great crowd, so thanks to the livers who really gizzed it up. What a night that was. Classic hang. Classic, we did a pot on the it up. What a night that was. Classic hang. Classic we did a pod on the drive up,

pod on the drive back. I mean, it was no hitch. Yeah, a lot of bonuses coming from that day. That was really, Deroza was amazing. Oh man, he's a free wheel and fun guy. I didn't know he had it in him. Yeah, he's great. Checking my ear buds.

Who am I, who's nice? Umar was fun, he's brown. Plus wasn't guy. Well, my was nice. Umar was fun. He's brown. Pleasant guy. Well, I went to the next night. We got back to New York at about 1 a.m. or 12, 30. I got home, you know, went to bed at 1 p.m. My Muslim went off at about 6, 30,

got like three hours of sleep, flew right to Martha's Vineyard. Wow, Martha's Vineyard. Were you working? No, I took two days, but a lot of shit happened, and we'll talk about it next week. Wow, big teas. Teas, I mean, it's no iPod, air pod, a TJ, but it's a fun one. Oh, I can't wait, I love the vineyard, jaws.

Yeah, I sent you a dumb jaw shirt, and then I was embarrassed, and I sent you that. No, I gave it a thumbs up I know that's no response worst response you can get as a Imagine do that in real life. Hey, how about this? I did that quite a bit and now at least you responded. That's better than nothing well I was stuck and I was gonna do a lot, but I think I was you know looking for the airpods or so Oh, yeah, stuff going on. Yeah, the airpods was going on. There you go. I was a bad photo. That was drunk.

Yeah. Do a lot of daydric and... Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, a lot of crazy stuff. Did some, did some shrooms, saw concert. It got weird. But Waltis. Wow.

It's gonna get ugly and then I flew to Missouri to go from the vineyard to Missouri is quite a kick in the ball sack. Yeah, that's tough. Missouri loves company folks. in the ball sack. Yeah, that's tough. Missouri loves company folks. Yes, culture shock. But yeah, we'll get all into that and fun stuff and we'll see you in hell folks.

Two's Gays, where are you gonna be? Boy, I got, well, the specials out right now on both YouTube and Punch Up Live, which you got there. There's a future folks. Go over there, put your email in and get the special. Watch it on YouTube, tell some friends, and I got some big, exciting dates coming up.

I think what's it called is next week, Nashville, maybe the Gashville, whatever. Yeah, I think it's next weekend. Nashville 21st to the 23rd, I believe. Philadelphia, a helium, October 5th through the 7th. One of my old timers. That's gonna be fun and hot. I can't wait for that.

And then back in Royal Oak, I think it's October 14th. That's a lot. Three. Or maybe no, it's 19 through 21. I mean, Royal Oak, Michigan. So please come out to those. Those are gonna be big dates. And those are the last three before fatherhood.

Yeah, so, see him before he's depressed and impotent. Yeah, I'm both of those things now. So it's going to really, I might even be the opposite. Maybe I'll be happy and hard. Yeah, just don't keep it away from the baby. Yeah, you got to. I'll be in Europe, Lisbon, Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Berlin, Glasgow, Dublin, London, Manchester, all that shit and twerp.

And then we're gonna be at Skankfest folks. We'll do a live pot out there. We'll really yuck it up with the gays. I'm so happy to have you back at Skankfest. I can't wait. We missed last, the last two years. I know, I did Houston for a day. I did a day in Houston.

I spent two days in my life being like, I don't know where he is. He's not coming. Get a shirt made folks. Send this man a shirt. I don't know where he is, I don't know where he is, he's not coming. Get his shirt made, folks. Send this man a shirt, I don't know where he is. I don't know where he went, I don't know what's happening. I don't know if he's gay or what, but we had a good time and yeah, we'll see it's gangfist

and I got more dates coming up all over markadomeacommedy.com, give it a whirl and watch both of our specials for Christ's sake. What do you got, Chuchu? I got my podcast, Fun Barable. We just hit the first year mark, first anniversary. And by the end of the first year, we're top 3% podcast globally.

Anniversary. Pretty great. Check it out. Mark Spanon, Joe Spanon, Mike Cannon. I don't know, a bunch of comics. Casey Joost. Tell them Steve Dave guys, check it out. There you go.

You heard it here? Third. Thanks, gang. We'll see you all in hell. Georgia St. Cut it. Yeah, buddy. Oh, that took the whole episode. That's great.

I mean, that's perfect. This censorship will take us to hell. No one wants to be themselves. Oh, in the heavens where magic dries Oh miss me watching the music die