Tuesdays with Stories! - #521 Live in Philly with Joe DeRosa + Umar Khan

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

It's supposed to be cheesy - the boys are in Philly and they are joined LIVE onstage by Umar Khan and Joe DeRosa! They talk: STDs, bad sexual decisions, and trusting Papa Joe to test narcotics! It's Tuesdays! The first hour is here for free, check out the full show with an additional 50 minutes only at patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show and get 10% off your 1 st month of therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off your 1 st order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com - Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with promo code DRUNK

Hi folks, it's me Joe Liss recording a little bitty in pro for this episode We did this episode. This is a live episode from Philadelphia the theater of the performing arts and we had our special guests Oh, by the way, it's Mark's 40th birthday. Mark just turned fucking 40 yesterday, dude Send him a birthday greeting of dick pic a a nipple pic, some kind of pic, Venmo, and whatever you feel like doing a birthday card, a nice message, a tweet, an Instagram. He's out in Europe, I think, in Ireland this week celebrating his 40th fucking birthday. So go do that. But anyways, this episode is the live episode featuring our friend Umar Khan and the legend

Joe DeRosa who was on fire this night. This is the first hour of that episode. And if you want to hear the rest of it, the second half of it, the last 45 minutes of it, that's over on Patreon. Join our Patreon. We have the best Patreon in the goddamn business. It's like five bucks a month, which is the price of a goddamn Emperor's Clouds and Misty here in New York City and I want to have a child come on support the show support the kid get the second half of the live episode it's a great one all the live episodes are on there I mean a million people on there Ron Bennington Christus Stefano Nikki Glazer Michelle Wolfe who else has been on Janis pop is Dan Soder everybody's on there Ton of bonuses going all the way back and then every week we do a fucking

All kinds of things. We watch Chris Rock special together. We watch a bunch of side-fails together Then there's a bunch of straight-up bonuses. We take a ton of Q&A's there hours and hours Including the second half of this episode you're about to hear. I hope you enjoy it. It was a fucking blast great trip great time And I think you're gonna enjoy the hell out of this episode you're about to hear. I hope you enjoy it. It was a fucking blast, great trip, great time. And I think you're gonna enjoy the hell out of this. And you're gonna wanna hear the second half of it over on the Patreon. All right, enjoy the show, Harry.

Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag surfed up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe Les this Tuesday's with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be

cheesy This is supposed to be cheesy. My baby, you're always fitting at me. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hey, hey. I think there's only three microphones. Oh, we did one more mic. I see four chairs and three mics. All right. Hey, thank you very much. Sorry folks, we're there we go. Thank you. Hi everybody. How funny is that guy? It's freezing. Good to be here. Yeah, chill. Hey, we saw you guys in the parking lot. Oh, yeah. Yeah, pants were torn. All right. Sorry, we're not are you garbage. We'll get that out of the way. All right, sorry we're not our you garbage. We'll get that out of the way.

But yeah, good to be here. I love filling, never burned in this area. Yeah. Tell them about the pants. Oh yeah, well, I had a busy day so I just ran out of the house in a bathing suit and jumped in a car, we drove here. And I realize I can't go up in shorts even though I could have with this coffin weren't in front of here This is very formal

We don't work with the table before it's very strange We went to a thrift shop down the way and I bought some pants for six dollars show them off I mean where do you see these pants? Oh, yeah, they very pants. I was returning. They smell like a black guy, but you know They smell like a black guy, but you know, they actually fit. It's pretty crazy for the bathing suit. Still under here. You're at the bathing suit, you know. There's the string and I got some netting in there. But yeah, they fit very well.

So thank you, Philadelphia. And some sheath underwear I noticed too. Oh, that's all I wear. I flip around. You guys do that. You can get two uses out of these. Hope women aren't doing that, because I've seen you're underwear.

There's a couple of weird slugs and whatnot in there. There's like a couple of loogies. Yeah, we always, Sarah, always my wife always says, she feels like she doesn't have B.O. until it's time to do the laundry and you pull those underwear out at a three-day Soul that she just falls down. I got to get smelling salts. Yeah, I don't Shoot on my mom Liz Williams, but I've seen a couple of

Baby skidmarking that thing looks like a Hot a bank ice was peeling out of the parking lot. I know his panties Yeah, what goes on ladies because it's it's not, I think it's like, sometimes women are like, we have discharge, you don't understand, but I'm like, do you have brown discharge? Out of the back of your, cause I think this poo in there,

and women just act like it's discharge, but it's poo charge. Honorable discharge, but I don't know, it's tough, but I'm no slouch either. My pants look like the bark of a tree, my undies, but that's why we're the black. Black is good. Yes, well, sometimes.

You know, I'm kidding. Joking, security. All right. Yeah, I remember as a kid, I would wear tidy whiteies, and as a kid, nobody told me itching your asshole, and boners, too. When I was a kid, no told me itching your asshole. And boners too. When I was a kid, no one was like having a boner

is embarrassing. And I've mentioned this before, when I first started getting boners regularly in like sixth grade, I would get the boner and then walk around, walk up to girls in school and be like, hey, Julie, what are you doing in some homework? Because I wanted people to know, I thought I was the only doing, some homework? Because I wanted people to know, I thought I was the only one getting boners. So I wanted people to know I have a huge dick.

Right, even at six? No, six grade. Oh, six grade, sorry. I was picturing a six-year-old and getting excited. All right, but it wasn't till I was like 35, that people were like, you gotta stop doing that. You can't be putting your boner in people's faces. Well, it's funny at six grade.

You're like, I got a boner. Yeah, this is weird. I was tucking mine. I didn't want people to see mine. And now at 39, I'm like, come on boner. It really flips. Yes, you don't have, you still have trouble with boners? Nah, I had it a few. Well, I have the Madonna complex. If you heard of this, that's where you get really old and a lot of pllexus surgery, and you look horrible. But that no. That's where the person you're really into, I can't get hard for, but a random fluency on the street.

I'm a sixth grade list. Right. Yeah, I feel hard for both. Sixth grade list and my wife. I like the gal so much that I panic. If I like her, it's tougher. So I did the Bluetooth for a hot minute and I had to work my way out of it

and get back to a natural rod. Well, it's not gonna be wrong. I'm not just like when you're a kid, you get a bone or just watching like Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince. Oh. Kevin Avery. But. But now if I touch it, I work my cock like

Lady Touches of Regina, which is the finger like this. Is that it? Yeah, and then I'll slowly, or sometimes I pinch the skin a little bit and get it going this way. And it'll slowly, and then once I'm hard, it's like that for a couple days. Oh, wow. OK, maybe I'll try that, but now I know how to get you hard,

which is exciting. So we got the tablecloth. See, look at right now. Yeah, the table, the car ride home, I'm going to be really working that skin, like a money thing. I've only had a boner problem one time in my life. Who was he? And it still works.

I made love to a lady in my old apartment in Astoria, Queens. And we were having sex, doggy stuff. She was not attractive. And I'm no picnic, but she was, what's worse than a picnic? Probably like a homeless food drive. Yeah, we had a real soup kitchen here. There we go.

And that's a great name for us, a weird vagina. She had a real soup, a lot of cream. A lot of volunteers coming through. Yeah. So we were having sex doggy style and there was an odor. Ah, yeah, out of the soup kitchen or out of the back door. I think it was the neighbor's place. Whatever it was the bodega next door.

It was a tobacco shop or something. The old Kimmy Ghibler. It wasn't good. And I had some ax body spray. This is a long time ago when I was a dick. There was, I had some ax body spray on the bed frame. Did you have the dresser there? Oh, I see.

So I reached and grabbed it and just kind of did a quick spray. Oh, it's nice, because you don't want to give her the idea that you need a spray. Yeah, so I just gave it a once over. Oh, that's nice, because you don't want to give her the idea that you need to spray. Yeah, so I just gave it a once over. A loft. She was like, what's going on back there? And I'm like, it's my plant, mister. I got these plants.

I got to keep them, boys. All right. And it still wasn't working. And I just lost my boner inside of the woman. Just from the odor. No, well, I think it was the odor. And my life was coming apart. I was at the throes of alcohol woman. Just from the odor. No, well, I think it was the odor and my life was coming apart. I was at the throes of alcoholism. She was 94 years old. It was a combination. It was

a real popery. Well, you got to hand it to this woman. You got her out of the wheelchair, the walker, and you got her on her hands and knees. Yeah, I cut little holes in tennis balls that she could put her hands in. There you go. And it's up. So I was like, hey, I'm sorry. I'm having problems. My mom died or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Made some stuff up.

And I thought that would be funny. And you guys got sad. My mom's fine. My mom's fine. Debra's doing great. She's great. So then, what's that? Good for you.

Hey, that was good. Hey, that was good. I liked it. Okay. It didn't get a laugh, but then us saying it was good got a laugh. So I don't understand. But anyways, we went back into the living room and I had roommates. Wait, did you go, hey, sorry, do you fake an orgasm? How'd you get out of it? No, I told her my mom died remember? Oh, that was real

No, it wasn't real, but that was I said, you know, I'm losing touch on what's what I'm having I'm having trouble I you know, I'm drunk you said that my father's Yeah, there you go. That's a good out. I said I got some problems and she said no problem and happens to everybody because everybody. Because I think she thought, like, oh, you're a nervous, Nelly, you're a cute young boy who came to, who's like, came too fast or something. Right. She thought it was on me. She didn't realize, you know, the, the, the, the wet market.

Yeah, soup kitchen, a soup kitchen, right. It looked like, you know, the lady from Eagle Dead, so. Right. I went back in the living room in a few minutes past and I had, not my roommate, a friend. Is it a moan? Yes. What's the remun?

Yes. Yes. He used to live with a subon guy. He was seven feet of he was a foot. And he worked at the airport. It was the whole thing. It's he was Indian and he was like 5-8. I was from India.

I was never at your house sober. I saw this guy. He's a big brown man. We were 22 years old. We're shit housed every night. And he would come in and boxers and a newspaper. I thought he was a dead. It was terrifying. No, he was like 5'8 and a sweet guy,

and it was that time in life where you kind of had some coverage because it was only one light on over there, and you had a blanket, and we were in our 20s, you didn't give a shit. Yes. So you're like, oh, it's the Samoan. Yeah. He said that with the guy in the room.

Like this man that I'm living with. Well, if you are Samoan, it's not an insult. Yeah. Which I thought he was. No, if you are Samoan, it's not an insult. Yeah. Which I thought he was. No. I thought he was a Girl Scout cookie. Well, even, either way, even if he wasn't, just the fact that you're like,

nah! Pull it over. Well, you see an adult. I didn't realize I was an adult to like 36. So you see another adult. You're like, whoa, he's got a briefcase. No. He would literally have like a shirt and tie in a briefcase I was the same way I was scurry and if uh

curry scurry I would um chicken scurry I would we put the the curry and scurry I don't know it's too late to fix it but your mom died I would see him it just I would always run and hide because but then new people moved in comics who are like more mature, a younger guys of a different generation, and they would go and have lunch with him, and be friends. He was in sketches and stuff.

What? And it really made me feel like a piece of shit. Wow. But it wasn't any kind of racial, I just felt like he had a job, and we were pieces of shit. It was like a knock at a time. Talked to a man with a tie on.

Well, he would get up at 6 a.m. until the field or whatever he did, but we would, you know, be going to bed at 6. He was like, she's gotta go to work and I was like, oh, God, I'm sorry. Yeah, so I just assumed he hated me and was like sad, but I think he was actually really nice. I really blew it. We should get him on. That's not bad. Because he was sober this whole time, so he probably saw things, we've blacked out.

Yeah, that's a good point. I told you this, I've told this story many times, many places, but he worked, he was the boss at his work and he, I think he had a lot of dipshits working for him. And he was living with him. And he would yell at his God, we shared a wall so I would hear him. And I know I've told this story before, but I heard him say, listen to me very carefully, do yourself a favor, smash your head against the wall three times and throw yourself down a flight of stairs.

And you've given me shit for being scared of this guy. Well, he sounds like Liam Neeson. I mean, it was one of the funniest things I've ever heard of my life. Yeah, that is funny. Do yourself a favor, thrice. Hey, smash your head into a wall three times and then throw yourself down a flight of stairs. I'm surprised he wasn't tweeted about for, you know, being insensitive or something.

Could you have a cancel him? No, I like him. I like him. We got to get him on. Yeah, sweet guy. Good egg. Did you guys leave? It got bright outside. It's got quiet. I don't know what happened, but we were really cooking for a second. Yeah. Well, the Simone got real.

I think I started a story 45 minutes ago. I can't remember what it was. You sprayed, you lost your boner on the old, so they're back there. So the old bag, it lost my boner. And that was sitting there. My dick smells like cheese now, and we're watching the television. So it lost my boner. And that was sitting there, my dick smells like cheese now, and we're watching the television.

So it wasn't the butthole. The butthole didn't help. It was a conglomerate. God, I don't know how you ladies do it. You don't know what's going on back there. We could be making a sandwich, doing a crossword, or a Rubik's cube. You have no idea.

I always say you need a backup cam with a doggy style. Oh, like a doggy style. Oh, like a rearview mirror. No, well, maybe that, but I'm saying like on the dash, you know, they show you like a, at some point in 2012, every car came with the back dash or a back cam. The reverse. Yes, the reverse cam.

You need that with doggy. That's not bad. You know what, you don't want a guy stealing your purse back there. The mirror would be nice because you get that objects are larger than they appear Now we're talking and you can put it up there like I like those old doctors, you know Oh, yeah the headband the bag and the that was a light right? You could do either So any parts the a friend of mine, he leaned in.

He was like, hey, I'm kind of vibing with all stinky tits over here. Would it be weird if I may have loved it? Would you be mad? Which is hilarious. The idea of maybe like, that's my best girl. Yeah. I was like, are you kidding me? That's my soup kitchen.

You'd be doing me a huge favor. So he was like, are you kidding? That's my soup kitchen. Like, you'd be doing me a huge favor. So he was like, would you mind? And I said, no, please. I don't have no connection with this woman. We're not dating. What is this? The early bird's special. How does this, where did she come from?

I don't know a bar or something. Oh, OK. This is a long time ago, folks. Anyway, so they went in the back. they had a hell of a time and now they married. They got two kids. Wow! So she could conceive at that age. I made up the part of the marriage, but the rest is true.

Wow! Good for them. Well, you know, I like a milk. Well, the thing is, she, in your mind sometimes, you're like, we're like, oh, man, we're just, we don't even know this woman. We're just having sex. But she's also like, I want to come.

Yeah, it's like she's like, oh, I'm really into this fellow with the teeth and the glasses and no money. She just is like, somebody make me come for God's sake. That's so short. You got no gin either. Right. But I had the same situation with an uh... I'm in a very hard place right now, Mark.

Ah, sorry, my special got demonetized. And my mom died a few years ago in this story. Watch the special folks if you haven't seen it, it's killer. It got demonetized. Thank you. There we go. But I'll get the money back. I have a story about an old gal that I hooked up with

and my friend also railed. But I feel like we got eight guests in the wings here. Wow, it's only been a couple of minutes here. Oh, it's been about 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll save it. Save the story because these guys might be able to punch it up. And at least one of these guys.

It's a humdinger. One of these guys is fucked an old lady. I'm sure of that. Oh, yeah, I've seen one. I've seen the video. And the other, I think, is a virgin. So let's get him out here. Yes.

You bring out one. I'll bring out the other. You go first. All right. Should I bring out the winner or the loser? Well, go with the brown just to get us some points. We got to get some points. This guy absolutely love this guy.

He's a good buddy of ours. He's a fan of the show before tonight, I think. And I said we got to have him. Mark said no way. You're out of your mind. But I said no, we need diversity. He said good point. That last part's not true. but we absolutely love him. He's

a hilarious, he's nervous. You're gonna love him. Umar Khan, everybody, give it up for Umar! There he is. Oh, what's up guys? Pakistani in case you're wondering. Not Samoan. Thanks for having me, guys. Yeah, happy to have you buddy. Mark didn't really push back by the way He said great idea immediately. I don't believe it, but I'll take it We have the text read a god. Yeah, we have receipts. Yes now you're Baltimore, which I think has a is a Philly bond Yeah, they're both ugly cities With people with way too many tattoos. Okay, no, no, I feel like my second favorite city in the country. I would live here if one my wife dies, so that'll be nice. Bald to more. But I still get scared here.

I legitimately thought you were saying you're bald, and then you said Baltimore. So I thought that's you. Oh, no. Put them together. I thought that too. And then I'm not a huge fan of bolts. I think bolt to less.

I was the first time I came to Baltimore. I said I called the crowd Baltimore on's, and I thought it was brilliant. And they were like, yeah, I would've heard that. And I was like, oh, you should have made a wire joke. No one's done that. Oh, this was way before the flyer, I would have heard that. And I was like, oh. You should have made a wire joke, no one's done that. Oh, this was way before the flyer. I'm 58 years old.

I think I told you that story, too, where I said, I came up with Missouri Loves Company. And I was like, this could be a shirt and a sticker. And then I went to Missouri, and it's just plastered everywhere. I was like, well, that's good. It's flattering because you came up with it on your own accord. Yeah, still felt good. It's kind of like the Honda Accord.

What did I say on your podcast? Oh, CityHick. CityHick, I was real proud of that, and then it's been a term for 50 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I came up with Jew face, I thought. But apparently, apparently that's been been around I thought I had that one We got to get the other guest Speaking of 58 years old this guy

Philly legend hilarious one of the best got an amazing podcast called taste buds put your hands together for Joe de Rosa Come on hometown hero Joe DeRosa! Come on, hometown hero, baby! There he is! Woo! Come on! Hey, double Joe! All right.

Two Joe. Hi, Philly. Hey. What a nice surprise to be here. Good to have you. Good to have me. Thanks for having me. I'm a little drunk.

Wow. Already? That was fast. It two drinks. Well, this is the sign that you might have a problem. The nice gentleman backstage was like, would you guys like drinks before you go on? And we said yes.

And we gave him the order. And as he was walking away, I went, doubles! Make them doubles! I was running up the steps and I heard you. And I ran back down. I was like, me too! So is this the thing? Well, he helped me too, because I fingered him

in the stairwell. Yes. Has to. Woo. What are you drinking there? Tequila. Oh, nice. Tequila.

You got a Jack and Diet. Jack and Diet, yeah. It's getting a little sweet taste in, but whatever. I'll get through it. That was another thing I had backstage. I was like, did anyone ever come up with Jack and Diet? And then I said, yeah. A little ditty.

I said, yeah, my podcast partner, Pat Walsh, says that every single time he orders a Jack and Diet, at a bar. And it's funny the first 17 times. Oh. But you guys seem to enjoy it. Well, you're coming up with good stuff. You just got to do it like a month earlier.

Yeah. I mean, this isn't my act. I mean, these are just off the cuff. This is much better than the act. But you're like, oh, yeah. Little did it about Jack and I hit. I think the whistle you just did. You're just, boom, boom, boom, boom.

See that? You should do. Like a red slow. I'm thinking about getting some involved, because I had this talk with Sodor 20 years ago. I was like, you gotta get some voices going in your ass. You're the one we blame. Thank you. Jesus Christ.

I can't go three minutes without breaking into an accent of some kind. Oh, you got that right. Oh, boy. He's gonna hear this. It's gonna be bad. Him being senile is gonna be a nightmare. I'm Dave Chappelle. Oh, you got that right. Oh boy, he's gonna hear this, it's gonna be bad. Him being senile is gonna be a nightmare. Ha ha ha ha. I'm Dave Chappelle.

I'm Andre the Giant. Oh yeah. But he's brilliant, brilliant place. Oh he's great at it. No, he's, yeah. Andre renders Hulk Hogan. That is not Hulk Hogan. Similar.

No, Andre is saying Hulk Hogan. Oh, I see, I see. Hulk Hogan. Joe. No, Andre is saying Hulk Ogan. I see, I see. Hulk Ogan. No. Ugh. Joe, that's very good. If I had my eyes closed, I would swear I was sitting next to Dan Soder right now.

You do any voices, Omar? I don't, but I think it's Dan Soder being a wrestling fan is cool, because they need a good-looking fan. That's rare. Because if you see an adult with the WWE shirt on, you're like, that person's mentally handicapped, right? Yeah. Can you do a Pakistani accent so we can mock it?

I cannot. Because I can't mock it without you doing it. Look, if I could do a Pakistani accent, I would just do Russell Peters and be famous. That's shit. Whoa. What was that? We are fucking guys.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I can't even, I'll try to imitate my parents. This was my parents. Here we go. This was my dad at my birthday dinner last night. I went to a, I took him to the best Argentinian steakhouse in Baltimore. My dad goes, God, this is gonna be horrible.

This is his birthday or your birthday? It was my birthday and my dad complained about the place the whole time. And you took him to a steakhouse on your own birthday? Well, I mean, my brother paid. Oh, I see. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I see you.

Still doesn't sound quite right. Wait, what? But your dad should have paid on his son's birthday. We make more money than, my day. He's an immigrant. That's no excuse. OK, well, he should have worked harder. So is Elon Musk.

I have no bootstraps. That's going to be better than what I'm about to do. All right, this is my dad. And thanks, giving you a, umar, you're a gay. Wow. Pretty good. Your dad sounds a lot like my dad. So they complained the whole thing.

We can't read the menu. We shouldn't have come here. And my mom was like, we should have went to a restaurant in Virginia. I was like that's an hour and a half away And I was like what's in Virginia? They're like Pakistani food. I was like Kill yourself you are Pakistani that makes no sense to either way. That's the craziest sentence. I've ever heard of my life. Yeah What's in Virginia Pakistani food? Good point now Pakistan and India arrivals, but the accents similar or not at all?

I think they're very, I mean you guys can't tell, but I can. But I think they're very similar, right? What do you guys think? They threw batteries at Santa Claus. They know that they're the Indian and the Pakistani accent. Yeah, I don't know why I asked Philly. I'm sorry. That was stupid of me.

I will kill myself. What do you guys think? Boo! What is the past that whole part of the world? Fuck them! What's the Pakistani thing? Like Indian, you got the same... 9-11, you got the duck.

No, no, that's Indian. Oh, that's Middle East. Middle nut. No, no, that's Indian. Oh, that's Middle East. Middle East. No, they hid bin Laden. We hid him? Yeah. I didn't hid him personally.

I know you didn't, I didn't have slaves. Yeah, I have. But wait a minute. So I don't know, Chuck is, you want to ask Chuck about that. OK, that guy had not fun. Wait, wait, wait, what is the Pakistani thing to ask Chuck about that. Uh-oh. Okay, that got not fun. Wait, wait, wait, what is the Pakistani thing? So you don't even, it's not even Curry, is it? Yeah, I think Curry is.

Oh, you got Curry, okay. That's Pakistani? Steph Curry is from Pakistan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Okay. What else, we don't have? Curry.

Do you wear a sorry? We got sorry. Good board game. Yeah. Pretty much anything India has. We have, because we used to be them. But you hate them. Yeah.

You got it. It's tense. And Pakistan has nukes. We have too many of them. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Nukes have hazard. All right.

Yeah. What are you going to be like when you go see an... Oh, it's going to be a smooth transition. I never knew all this about Pakistan. Really? No. It's an informational show. I think other people's cultures are stupid.

Well, that's because you're adopted. I know. Very resentful. I'm Arab. I don't know. You can tell me shit about my own people. I know. Very resentful. I'm Arab. I don't know. You can tell me shit about my own people. I wouldn't even fucking know right now.

What do you Egyptian? I think I did a couple of 23s and mes. Sounds like a pyramid scheme. 25s and mes. I did 23 and me and the other one. I forget what it was called. Ancestry.com. Yeah, I did both of those.

And I was all excited. Like, oh, I'm learning about my ancestry. Yeah. Bill Berg goes, you're a fucking idiot. They're collecting your DNA, you fucking moron. And I was like, good, good talking to you, Bill. All right. So what do they do with your DNA?

I don't know. I told him I did the test in 10 minutes. And he's telling me how the economy's gonna collapse. They're gonna come to my door with rifles. And clone me to fucking make the unified state of Mexico, Canada. I don't know what the fuck he was talking about. He yelled at me for getting an Alexa.

He said, you bugged your house. He just bugged your house. I was like, well, a lot of people have him. It seems like he's like, you bugged your house. You idiot. I'm like, all right. I love these people that think this, but they carry a cell phone around.

Yeah. Like, what do you think the phone is? I know. Two guys you don't want to tell any news to are Burr and Tim Dylan. I told Tim Dylan I was thinking about buying a house and he started talking about how the power grids were going to fail in three years. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Wow.

Well, I don't consult with the gaze, but, um, now. But enough about Bill. What about him? Listen, folks. Hello. What? What? What?

Welcome to the Wolf 95. Rockin' Philadelphia from South Street to the old town. We're live. Ooga. Umar, Mark, and Joe. I can do a soda. OK. Ow.

See the voice. Wow. So does it really be upset about this? It's really good. No, he's not. He's not going to. He doesn't listen to this. He's never hearing this. No, he's not. He doesn't listen to this. He's never hearing this.

No, they tweet at him. They say, hey, Deroza called you a voice's hack. I didn't say that. Oh, boy. I know you didn't say that, but I'm saying that's what they say. And then he listens and he's upset. Yeah, no, I hear you. Old Colgan. How you doing doing brother? Look at me. I'm Pakistani. That was better than yours. I want a better way. I want a restaurant in Virginia. Ben Laden is in the kitchen.

That was Cosby. Ben Laden's in the kitchen and he works. That was Cosby. Wait, who did you get in the Cosby? Bin Laden's in the kitchen. That's really good. I pack a stand-in wife and wants to get money. My son's a faggot. I won't do a Cosby voice, that's cheap. That's just the pack of stand-in.

Oh, cat can say, flil, fl Uh, can't say Phil, flawed, Phil, what was your sixth story? Oh, I got a story about fucking a real real old lady. Oh, yeah, let's hear about the old lady. Hey, folks, this episode is brought to you by better help racing thoughts of the worst. They're constantly reminding you of the stupid things you said five years ago or making you have an existential crisis at 3 a.m No, and I know it a great way to lessen those thoughts is to talk through them in therapy with better help

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Now take it down. Like she did. All right, there you go. So she was Pakistani. And now, me and my friend, it was a Monday night in the summer of Louisiana, New Orleans. We had nothing to do with us. We got a case of beer and we said,

let's just drive around and try to pick up a lady. So we got really day drunk and whatever, we're driving, and we go to one bar, we see a really pretty gal sitting with a real old gal. So we go, oh, look at her, she's pretty. So we go talk to her, and she wants nothing to do with this, and she gets up and walks away, and the old gal goes, well, I'll take you home. And we're like, oh, all right. She's cool. She goes, it just got a divorce,

da da da, blah, blah. I hate my husband. He's, you know, suckin' to be dry. And I own a beauty parlor, and he's tryin' to take it from me. And I go, well, let's go there. So she goes, great, I got a bunch of box wine, and I'll give you guys haircuts.

I was like, oh my God. This is turning out great. You love anything free, you're in. I'm gonna hand job in a haircut, two bits. So she's got a must-a-enconverterable, I remember. She's like, oh, this is the last thing I bought for. It takes all my money blah, blah, blah, and she's a little cookie.

And she's older, you know, she's been around. Had like a bike or vibe. Oh, I like a bike or vibe. Oh, like a bike or vibe. Yeah, hell is angel. So I was in the back seat of the Mustang, and I kept being like, hey, my friend, his name was Guy, and he had a huge dong, and he died of heroin.

Wow. Yeah, those are the big things you need to know about him. That was his Tinder bio. Guy Dongdeb. That sounds like Tinder bio. Guy Dongdeb. That sounds like a Pakistani. Guy Dongdeb. Guy Dongdeb. The four Asian.

The four Asian. Yeah. Pakistan is technically Asian. That is true, I am Asian. Ugh. Alright, not good. So she's like reaching for the dong and having a good time. And we're just cutting up. This whole night is really taking a turn.

You're a dog or your friends? I'm in the back. He's got the dog, so she's going to him. And she's like, wow, that's fun. Whatever. We pull up to her salon, and it's lights out. It's two in the morning. She opens the door, turns the lights on.

She starts blaring like Michael Bolden or Cher. One of these old lady hits. and she pulls out the box of Francia, and I sit in that barbers seat, she throws the fucking cape around me, and she just starts snipping. Now she gets, she's all world drunk, she's singing, woo, got a glass of the wine, yeah, we're having a great time, I came out of there with like a left mohawk. I didn't even think twice about how I was so excited to be great time, I came out of there with like a left mohawk.

I didn't even think twice about how I was so excited to be hanging out with an adult lady. And my friend meanwhile, he was such white trash, he's stealing products, like he's stealing hair gel and like clippers and shit. So he's pocketing products. So I start, you know, making out with her and she took her tits out, she had these big old ladies sandbags and put them on the shoulders. That's interrupt you.

How realistically how would we talk in? I was 16, 17, so she was probably 22? No. I bet she was like 36 years old. She was probably 35, yeah. I don't know. She's, you know, divorced. She had her own salon. She seemed, I would say, 48.

Okay. So you were sexually assaulted. Yeah, yeah. You're the victim of a crime. Oh, shit. I never put that together. This is the difference between men and women. A girl would appear, she'd be crying.

Mark's like, I got a great zinger, everybody. Well, I'll do great zinger, everybody. I'll do a one-man show after this. But how are the Biker, the huge Biker boobs that you're seeing? They're huge and long and white. Long's not a word you want to hear. Biker boobs, double bees. Yes, yes.

I thought that was going to be huge. Instead of double D's. You know, I'm 17 or whatever. Alright. The expectations to the result was really harmful to myself as to him. You pulled it out, you cleaned it up. So, whoa. B's easy, what's your sprint take? Yeah. So, she's a snort take. She's got the tits on the shoulders and she's doing the whole thing. I come out, I look like kid in play, you know, but I'm coming out of there.

And, so, now we're making out. She's doing the thing where she's straddling me and I'm going up and down on the chair, you know, which is fun. And I get the caper out of her, we're making out, you know, which is fun. And I get the cape around her, we're making out, we have a great night, the music's plaring, she's got the glass over the shit wine, and I got her up on the counter, all the brushes are going everywhere. We start making out, and she's like, my husband won't fuck me. He won't fuck me. She's like screaming, like, you're doing.

So I'm like, oh, fuck you. And I'm really given that soup kitchen a ladle and you know, going to town, axe bodies spray everywhere and really hitting their heart and it just kept going and going and nothing was really happening. I didn't hit a wall to save my life. But I finally had to tap out. I was like, all right, I'm done here and my friend jumped in and she was way more into him I think the dog size and then he start to come to a little bit like what the fuck are we doing? This is weird the music's plaring we're at a wear a

Sun dark awakening dark awakening And then to make it all worse like cut a glimpse of myself myself in the mirror, and I looked like fucking, you know, say another rapper. Say another rapper. Yeah, I had to, the fucking, you know, full mohawk, and a couple, you can see my scalp, but it was all bad. So he's plowin' her, and I had to get one of these, like, we gotta get outta here.

And, and then we left. Boy, I'm glad one person that story is dead now. She's definitely dead. She's definitely dead, yeah. She's in a ditch. No, I'm joking, but it was the hell of a salon. It was she was like an entrepreneur. Joe, I'm sure you've made love to an old lady at some point.

An older lady. Uh, well, we talked about the story upstairs. Ooh! I vaguely remember. I know, I remember talking upstairs. Well, I lost my virginity actually to an older woman. Same. Yeah, I did not lose my virginity until I was 21 years old.

Wow. Yeah, that's right. And I was right here. All right. Yeah. They lay. I was no joke. I was right here at Tattoo Moms. Wow.

And I was sitting at the bar. I was 21 years old. I was a virgin. And a woman who was, I found quite attractive was sitting next to me and we started talking and she told me that she was a professor at Temple University. Whoa!

You're telling this like a presidential candidate. Like we're on the, like we're like, if you're elected, how will you lose your opportunity? I'm saying it like I've been accused of something. This is what happened. I was sitting, minding my own business. No, but we started talking and she said, I'm a professor of her temple in literature.

And I said, wow, I used to go to temple, and I don't anymore. I now go to Kutztown. What's that? It's a school. Oh. Kutztown? It's up in Kutztown. Oh. It's up in Kutztown.

That's a town in Pennsylvania. It's a school. Okay. Not much of a story to that. Alright. Yeah. Fun fucking school though. Alright. Not as fun as Penn State.

You thought that was gonna hit. I think it was a... That was your double B. It was a joke, a turn out joke. Penn State is, you know, that's like saying, ah, Pats is my favorite, who gives a shit? This is fucking Pennsylvania baby. Wasn't that joke?

Kuts down. We like the dirty fucking schools. So far away. You know, step back. Kuts down is fucking, that's a pig show. It cuts down. I miss that fucking place. All right, I look.

Kuts down. I remember once I was getting high with my roommate, we were sitting on two graves in Kutztown. In a graveyard. He is. Getting high. We were so drunk and we were getting high. It was two o'clock in the morning. And he turned to me and he goes,

my parents are proud of me right now. Anyway. So anyway, we started talking and I was very excited that she was this older woman And that she was a professor at a school that I had gone to It kind of felt like she was my teacher. Yeah You know the yeah, and we went on a date and I remember I didn't know how to make a move and then

She I I did the fucking dumb ass like at the end of the night like we went to say goodbye and I was like Like the punch drunk love like okay Bye-bye like whatever you know and I walked away and she went into her house And I was literally walking away going you fucking idiot you stupid fucking idiot and she came running out of her house like in a movie Oh and she ran up to me and she goes You've never dated an older woman, have you? Oh, wait. And I said, no, I have not, Miss.

And she said, and then she... LAUGHTER And now you didn't think that was gonna get a laugh. I didn't. That was... Surprise, it's a pleasant surprise. That felt like when I'm doing my act. I was like, oh, that worked.

All right. No, I feel like. And she pulled me close and started making out with me and I was like, holy shit, because that was like always my fantasy. I was like, older woman, hot for teacher, all that shit. Be more aggressive, ladies. So anyway, we went out on a second date. Second date, you didn't bang her right there?

No. On the grave? No. On the grave? No. On the grave. Wait, do we know how old she is? Did you say? She was, I mean, I was 21, I think she was 38. Oh, that's great. That's old.

No, but at the time, that seems like an older woman to me. Well, the 70s, now it seems like a little baby. Right, right. Anyway, but anyway, no, but she said, let's go out again. And I remember, we were on the second date, we were making out on her couch, and she goes, I'm gonna tell you, I'm moving to Athens, Georgia in a week.

I'm a little too old for this. I can't just have a fling anymore, I'm past it. And I said, well, I've got news for you, I'm a virgin. Oh! And she said, that, I've got news for you. I'm a virgin. Oh. And she said, that changes everything. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh.

And she got very excited about I could take your virginity. Wow. And it didn't happen that night. On the last night she was there, five days later, her house was empty. She had this like, you know, row home in Philly somewhere. Her house was empty. She had this, like, you know, row home and filly somewhere. Her house was empty and we had sex on an air mattress in her living room. She had set it all up just for that.

She set up candles and everything. We had sex right on it. I lasted five minutes. Hey, pretty good. Yes. That's what she said. Hey! How?

I swear to God, it ended and I go, how was that? And she goes, not bad for a virgin. Now, did she come? Did she teach you how to make her come? And if so, could you tell me? I- I- I didn't ask her.

I- I have no idea. I have no idea. Not because I didn't care, but like I just, I was not at all in a place. Yeah. It was my virginity to be like, hey, so did, did you? Mama. No, when you're young, at first having sex, her orgasm does not even come into mind.

You're just like, you must be having fun, right? My dick was inside you. That's got to be good, right? Yeah. And then it turns out it comes into stomach. Yeah. They don't even feel that you're dick inside them in my experience. This is the part of the show where the girlfriends are turning to their boyfriend's like,

you like this? I was, but I was terrified the first, I would say literally the first 10 people I ever slept with because I was always, I've never really been in a long term thing. I was always so terrified of disease. Ah, yes. And I would always, I've never really been in a long term thing. I was always so terrified of disease. Ah, yes. And I would always wear condoms. I remember after I had sex with this woman for the first time, not because of her, just because I was so paranoid.

I didn't know how it worked. I said to my friend Dan, who wasn't a virgin, I said I wore a condom, but do you think I could still get a disease? And he goes, what are you fucking talking about? And he goes, do you really think a disease could do this? And he, I think he took a banana. And he goes, what are you fucking talking about? And he goes, do you really think a disease could do this? And he, I think he took a banana. And he goes, this is your dick, this is the condom. He goes, do you really think a disease could go, li-dididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididididid little I fucking understood it. Because I was raised Catholic. It can. I've worked on them, I got an SCD.

It was insane. Whoa! Yeah, not like. So the second person I ever had sex with, you have AIDS? Yes. No, I worked on them. And then I was having sex with some just like a person for a couple of months.

Then I got a long-term girlfriend. Yeah, she's somewhere. And then I'm a very hairy man. And I remember like, I was like, well, I'm starting to have sex. I should take care of it down here. I shaved my hair. I had tiny white bumps all over my skin.

And I was like, it's warts. I was like freaking out. Then I go to urgent care and I got an African doctor and I don't know if you know how Africans feel about like looking at other men's penises. I don't. They're not cool with it. Oh, okay.

I would've gone either way. I told him I went to, I was like, hey, I have bumps on my penis and he's like, what do you shave? And I was like, yeah, he's like, they're probably shaving bumps. And I had to talk this doctor into looking at my penis. Wow.

He did not want, he was like, no, I was like, don't you should look though. He's like, no, you said you shave, right? And I'm like, that's how homophobic this African doctor. What, so dude, I had to like, and I'm not even joking. Where DeRosa's sitting is where I was. The doctor is probably where Mark is. And I was like, can you just please look at it?

I have like, like, very bad anxiety. This so that doctor's like, okay. So I move my thing over. Then the doctor looks at my penis from this far away. He's like, from the side of his eyes and just goes, nah, you're fine. Whoa. Damn. He's a doctor.

Yeah, he's an asshole. And then, he was like, they'll go away. They never went away. I went to a dermatologist. And the dermatologist is an intake nurse. I'm like 22 years old. I've had sex with two people. The intake nurse was like, hey, we train students here.

Is it cool? Ah, it's like, you know, some medical students comment, it really helps. And when am I going to say no? I'm like, yeah, sure. She's getting hard as she's asking. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I start like chubbing up on purpose.

No, no. So then we're in a 12 by 12 room. This is not an exaggeration. The doctor walks in and then nine fucking medical students walk in. And then he was like, okay, let's see. As soon as this doctor looks at my dick, he goes, yep, you got that from somebody.

And then he's like, yeah, guys, come look. Then one by one, every medical student goes, woo. And then walks away. and it's called the thing I had is not warts not herpes it sounds like a Harry Potter thing it's called molescom contagi also I had that I had that once yeah what I had this in warts I had that once and it goes away right yeah yeah it's not a big deal. It's not even, it's not even qualified as an STD. He told me if you get it having sex as an STD.

No, he's full of shit. OK, so I went to two and I thought, no it's not. Yeah. No, my dermatologist, when it happened to me, said, it doesn't even qualify to a point where you are required to tell anybody that you had it You could get it in so many ways. Well mostly kids get it Yeah, we're back to Penn State again. Yeah, so nice

That's what my dermatologist said He told yeah, and I said what are you insinuating? Yeah, and he said I don't know what am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, but yeah, it's it's a it's you can get it literally if somebody like brushes up against you. Yeah. Oh, geez, but I had to burn them off. It was burn them. Yeah, well they gave me an acid cream. This is not funny. I don't want to. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no'm gonna, yeah, anyway, no, they gave me this acid cream. I was with this girl for 12 months. Eight months of our 12 month relationship, we couldn't have sex because I have to put this acid cream. I work with children, by the way, and I'm so terrified that my boss

is gonna hear this. I know. You didn't do anything wrong yet. That's true. So, your boss is like, all these kids got that molestika thing on them somehow. We've never seen an outbreak like this. That's a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a hell of a anything. So I put this cream on me and what happens is it burns them off but

they turn into these huge like scabs and they bleed and they fall off and that's the end of that story. So what happened with the day you were with? I was a horrible boyfriend. I had to go to therapy afterwards. Yeah I was not good. Oh wow. You had that and you were cheating. I wasn't cheating. I was in a good person. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. I didn't do the cream. They just shot him off in the office. What? Like, he's... No, seriously, they had a little gun and they were like, we're going to freeze him.

It's going to hurt for a second. But... They didn't expect... Then the... Horrific, fucking thing. You just described won't happen. Yeah. I said, okay, just do it like that.

They were like, where did you get them fixed in the Old West? They kicked the scene. They were like, what? They were like, what? They were like, what? They were like, what I said, okay, I just do it like that. And they went, where'd you get them fixed in the Old West? They kicked the saloon door so. Yeah, no, it was simple, but I had an STD clinic. No, wait, shit.

Too big of a pause, Poland. I had an STD clinic doctor. Oh, yeah. Say to me once, I thought I had a weird mark on my penis and I thought I was terrified. It wasn't me. Not this part. I was terrified that it was like herpes or something.

And I went to the clinic and I said to the doctor, I go, I'm very nervous. Is this herpes? And she looked at me and she goes, no, no, it's just, it was nothing. And I go, okay, okay, you're sure? And she literally goes, I don't know why everybody thinks it's such a big deal. That was like, what? That's not what you want to hear. Yeah, she was like, everybody gets herpes.

So you're like, who cares? You have herpes, is that what you want to hear. Yeah, she was like, everybody gets her piece. So you're like, who cares? You have herpes, is that what you're saying? But I was like, wow, what a fucking brush, just. That is a real swagger to have, is it? My story at the SDD clinic was similar. I had an Eastern European woman, and I had her, I currently had an outbreak. And then at first, I was like, yeah, can you look at this thing?

I think it might be her piece. And she touched my dick with a rubber glove like this. And then it was like, what is this? All brown. And I was like, oh, I don't worry about that. She was like, contusion from masturbation. And I had to be like, yeah, yep, that's what that is. And then she was picking with a dental thing

at the scabs to get samples. I was like really crying and moaning and she was like, you baby, you're baby! And I was like, well, you're picking at my open sore! This is unusual! You swear to God! Wait, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what Russian. I'm not good with voices, but it was like you you cry too much. I'll call Sodor. Yeah. We got to get rid of these foreign doctors. Yeah, I had a similar doctor, an Indian guy. I don't know why I'm sorry. I thought I had AIDS because I had H. Pylori, which is a bacterial whatever that you get. And you get it from eating ass. Mm. Yes.

That's a gentleman's disease. Yes. Yes. You went so fast just then from, I don't know how you get it to exactly how you get it. Yeah. Well, I don't know how you get it. However, you get it from eating ass.

Anyway, that's not focused on that. I didn't want to bullshit the people, but you get it from fecal matter and I was right when eating ass was new so I didn't know he had to hold back a little I had a lobster bib with a spoon. I mean I was in there So I was this is a real large lady and Madison Wisconsin. Oh sounds like a country song and I really wanted to town and I got a virus from it. And I thought I had white tongue.

I had my saliva was gelatin, like. I had to distended belly, like on the info-mershule. I was shitting water, and I was pissing foam. So I was like, all right, I got AIDS. This is it. Buck and Wisconsin. And I went to the doctor, and I said, hey, man, I got all this. I gave him all the symptoms. He goes, you gay? And I go, no, I'm not gay. He goes, you do needles. I go, no, no, he goes, you're good. That was it.

He didn't get any better soon. Well, it was like your Nigerian guy. Where I just had, I was like your Nigerian guy, where I just had, I was like, no, no, no, not good, not good, something's up, something's up, and it was during last comic standing, by the way. So I was like doing all this, if you watch the show, I'm like six pounds heavier,

I'm a fat and weird and bloated and sweaty, and I eventually I was like, you got to do some blood work or something. So we did some blood work in a couple tests. Two weeks go by, I'm dealing with this shit. I get a call and he goes, are you sitting down? And I go, yeah, yeah. And he goes, you have H. And I was like, well, there it is. I got HIV. Here we go. And he goes, you have H. Pylori. And I go, what's that? He goes, it's a virus. You get for meat and ass. It's a hell of a doctor. And take one pill and you're cured, and that was it.

Wow. Wow. But they really leave you hanging these people. Good timing, I'll say. It's easy to be a doctor, I think. It's just dirty doctors here? No. Oh.

Case in point. I just randomly thought about Jason Canner our friend you guys know him some of you Oh, this is crazy. Well, I can't tell his whole story But he got a false positive HIV test Can you imagine and then they did another one they had they're like we got to do another one blood test Prick of the finger and they're like it's gonna take a few days And he just happened to be going to San Francisco, ironically, to hang out with his gay friend. And so he went there and then while he was hanging out in San Francisco,

the doctor called and they were like, hey, we're looking at your, you gotta come in. Oh! And he was like, no, no, no, the doctor told me you would be able to tell me over the phone. I'm on a trip and they're like, you just gotta come in. And then he flew home to New York and he went in, they went, we lost the test. We got to take another test.

Oh, that's incredible. Is that unbelievable? Is this the worst country on earth? What do we do with these doctors? But anyway, so he didn't have HIV, of course. But that reminded me of Ari's line at the bachelor party when we were in the ocean. Oh yeah.

It's not going to work if they're not here. The counter looks like that, but white. Oh. And we were talking about putting sunblock on. This is just for us. Yeah. We were talking about putting sunblock on. He's a whole guy with a beard and glasses.

He looks identical to Omar except white and Ari goes, I don't know. Canter never puts sun some block on he looks fine because he's proud I mean it's gold the best thing Ari's ever done it's the hardest I've seen Joe laugh in my life oh I lost it it was uh it was really something it was the highlight of that whole match the party the only The only note worthy thing that happened. Yes. As a dick. What's a dick? Oh, that was the match I showed up by surprise. You said this thing only.

Oh, no, I was a joke about the birth feud. Oh. I know you're giving me shit. No, no, that was amazing. Tell you that. It was no way. By the way, a lot of people don't care for your move. I'd notice.

Whoa. I tell people they go, oh. I'd notice. Whoa. I tell people to go, oh, I hate that. What move? The showin' up as a surprise. People look at it as, oh, you think you're the big. I only do things as a surprise. Tonight, the bachelor party, that's how I fucking roll.

But no, I disagree. I like the surprise. I think it was great and it was exciting and I was touched that you trusted and trusted me to keep the only silver one on the entire trip But so so derose convinced everyone he wasn't coming on the match the party. Yes, what's hurt by feelings and then Ari got Ari got mad at me to the point where like I was like I don't think I'm gonna be friends with Ari anymore Wow, I have that every time I talk to him. Yeah Ari's like you're bailing?

You're not fucking invited on any trips anymore. Like, he got like mad at me. And I was like, fuck you, dude. What do you threatening me? I don't come on your little fucking trips. He can get snippin. He's where I invented Jew-face. Yeah.

He's got it. Oh, yeah. Probably he's got it hard. He's all face. It's like this long. Yeah. Joe Campbell. He looks like if an Easter Island statue was real cheap.

You know folks. Yeah. But so you said, all right, I'm going to come down. Don't tell anybody. It's a big surprise. No, no, no, no, I said to you. I didn't tell. I told R.I. wasn't coming.

Right. And then I called Joe. I called Joe, and I go, listen, R.I. thinks I'm not coming, he's really mad at me. Mark thinks I'm not coming. Sorry, you don't like that? Ah, it's a lot of touching. Sorry. Hey, here. Oh, boy.

Here, have some mescalum. Ah. It's going to be a focus. Oh, Jesus Christ. No, and I called Joe, and I go, Joe, you're like the guy that doesn't drink. I can trust you. I'm going to come down and do this.

It was the most exciting thing I ever did in my life. I think it was more for me than for you. I was thrilled, but that's the knock on people. Thundered. Well, but it was so fun. And by the way, I hate myself. I'm convinced all people hate me at all times. Yeah, I did not think me showing up at the bachelor party was some big like, woo, look who's here. We needed

you. It was tense. I could tell when I walked up. Yeah. But it was a fun reveal because I Joe tipped me off to the restaurant you guys were going to be at when I got there. And you guys were all wearing the matching outfits. And I found one of the matching outfits at the house and I put it on and then I went to the restaurant and you guys were already inside and I went up to the hostess and I told her what was happening. It was okay great and I said can you get me a tray of shots and she got me the whole tray and I said is there a way for me to go to their table without them seeing me?

And she said, yeah, you can actually go upstairs and around. And I got to walk down these stairs, and then I walked up to the table, and I cheesiest line ever. You guys ordered some shots? Yeah! Man, if I was a teacher, I'd fuck you.

It's the reddest I've ever seen Bert. And I've seen Bert get real red. Oh, yeah. He is've seen Bert get real red. Oh yeah. He is a Republican. That was fun. That party was so much fun, man. Woo! We had a great time.

I got real fucked up. The ocean, the strip clubs, the Coke that you had tested for fentanyl. Yeah, tested some Coke. I was also involved in that. That's the only one, trustable. Would you like to appreciate it? Test results from the line.

We did it anyway. Yeah. DeRot, Kensington, they tested for fentanyl. Okay. Would you like to have a taste? I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste.

I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste.

I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have a taste. I would like to have to go okay listen very carefully the test is good but I am not signing off on a bunch of high blood pressure and middle-aged assholes doing cocaine yeah I'm

not feeling bad everyone dies the test says go I say no you think that was dangerous I made out with two strippers during the lap dances. I missed that. There was no fentanyl, but it was positive for mescaline. Mescaline, what is it? Mescaline. No, the mescaline's a drug. Shit, you have a new gel. What you have? Well, I did this in post. Fuck, I'll kill myself. Now you don't even know it. I don't even know. I remember drinking. What's it called?

Fuck I'll kill myself I don't even know it. I don't even know it. I remember drinking. What's it called? Skendulum my Luscom contegeo sum. What is it? Maluscom contegeo Meslophilioma positive for meluscom meluscom put it in check didn't someone go to the hospital that was doing cocaine Oh, we had a guy go to the hospital never mind No, I went to the hospital. He was not doing cocaine. Oh, right. We can't just throw that out. The fans are civilian.

He can't let us in. He's like a kid. They don't know his name. That was his surprise. I showed up on an ounce. He left on an ounce. Yeah. This man has a job and a wife.

Oh, we can't just. The guy got sick because he got food. I'm not making up something to cover anything. He got food caught in his throat. Oh, yes. Yeah. Seaman. Oh, because he was on cocaine.

But dude, you and Bert got into a whole thing. Oh! No, no, no. I'm sorry. Wait, no, what? What? No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's a spin squad show. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's all, it's been squashed, Joe. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's this, this, this, this. I'm sorry.

I thought it was of the tip. We're talking about doing fentanyl test right now. I know who wants to be the child. Well, that was it. What a humdinger to hear the rest. You know how it works. Join the Patreon five bucks a month, god was it. What a humdinger to hear the rest. You know how it works. Join the Patreon five bucks a month. God damn it. What a night. What an episode. A lot of amazing laughs and there's a bunch more on the Patreon. So get over there. Go

join it. Do it today. Five dollars a month. That's fucking nothing. Thank you guys. We're very grateful for you. We appreciate you. God bless and good night. Nothing, thank you guys, we're very grateful for you. We appreciate you. God bless and good night.