Tuesdays with Stories! - #522 Fat Blacklisted

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

Mark goes to Martha's Vineyard, takes shrooms, freaks out, and is forced to fly off the island on a mousetrap in the sky. Does he make it back to the Big Apple??? Joe goes to Matt Wayne's film... premiere and sees a wealth of old pals! Mark heads to LA for a kooky Netflix event with Jeff Dunham, Bert Kreischer, and more! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Try Blue Chew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Visit https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code TUESDAYS

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!
Starting point is 00:00:17 And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.
Starting point is 00:00:30 My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose why- Oh, hey folks, the hoi there, matey and gaity. We're here and we're queer and it's early. Oh boy, it's another early one, which I liked the early, but I tossed and turned last night. I am. I tossed as well as turned.
Starting point is 00:00:52 And now Sarah, she's super pregnant, so the baby's leaning on her dick, so it's like, it's hard to follow sleep. So she's tossing, and it's a agonizing toss, because it's a baby. Right. So she's like So I'm like everything all right over there. She's like I am fine. So you live with hitchcock. I know I'm I'm Yeah, give me a nice water
Starting point is 00:01:15 A couple ice waters ice water coffee ice coffee Coughy I'm gonna I'm gonna water cuz I'm gonna take 20 minutes water Thank you. Now what happens when people, I've seen this a couple of times, maybe people have bits about it, but when you go and ask for ice coffee, they say, we don't have ice coffee. Yeah. Can they not throw ice in there? Or they'll just melt it because it's too hot. I've said the same thing with my ex, she was a coffee nut, she shitter brains that every day.
Starting point is 00:01:43 The coffee, the ice coffee is a brew and they pour it over ice. It's a special nut, she shitter brains out every day. The coffee, the ice coffee is a brew, and they pour it over ice. It's a special kind of brew. It's a different thing than the filter drip coffee. So they got to make that. They put in a big picture. That's why they pour it out. So picture. It's not like iced tea where you make it,
Starting point is 00:01:58 and then put it on ice, and then sit there. Totally different thing. I see. That's not the same. So ice coffee is a different beverage than coffee. Total different similar taste. It's comes from the coffee bean. But it's a concoction of things.
Starting point is 00:02:12 Ah, call in if you know. How about that? I talked most of that in my ass, but also you pour drip coffee on ice. It's just gonna melt and have watery coffee. That's what I thought. Yeah, that's what I thought. It's like you just basically have a half a gallon of water in there.
Starting point is 00:02:25 There you go. Because I've done this before. What do you know about this? Uh-oh. The other day, I had an oatmeal. I bought it at a little bagel shop. I got an oatmeal and I go in there and they get the oatmeal and it was just stayed hot.
Starting point is 00:02:40 I hate that. The center, it was hot for like a day and a half. That drives me crazy. So here I did this. Uh-oh, yeah. I'm getting the center it was hot for like a day and a half I Tries to be crazy. So here I did this. I'm getting the middle. It's like molten lead in the middle a lava Yes, later lava both could be hot. I guess so probably lava is what I was going for What is molten? I don't know then is molten ice in Canada good beer No, that's not molten is it? Olsen oh, Olsen I know I was like it was one of those ones where my, my spiny sense was like, something sounds wrong.
Starting point is 00:03:07 I was trying to get a zinger in there. I got you a moulson, but I, but it was, it didn't work because I was like, is that what it's called? Molten? Nah, it's too close. Moulson, moulson. Nice.
Starting point is 00:03:17 I'm on it now. Now I got it. It's really. Very funny. Funny guy. What the fuck was I jack about? Moulson. The hot old deal. So the fuck was I talking about? The hot oatmeal. So the oatmeal was too hot, Jerry.
Starting point is 00:03:28 So I came up with a good idea. I said, I'm gonna put it in the fridge for like 20 seconds. That's not bad. Cool it down. Put it in the fridge. I warmed up my cinnamon roll. I come back, I take the oatmeal out after 20 seconds. Totally different consistency.
Starting point is 00:03:42 It's water now. It's like a soup. And I couldn't get it back. It was just now. It's like a soup. And I couldn't get it back. It was just wet. This is like a Bill Nye episode. Exactly. So what do you think about that? What do you know about that?
Starting point is 00:03:52 I think the heat was keeping its liquid consistency. I see. Yeah, I think that's wacky. It's kind of like you ever have your mom cook a big turkey stew and you walk away and you come back and it's all white on top and gelatinous and then you're like what the hell is this? Gis and she goes put in the microwave you put it in it's still again.
Starting point is 00:04:12 I never had that. I mean we made back in cheese and burger King. Oh my mom was cooking raccoon dick and a hobo leg. I mean it was a wild scene down there in Louisiana. That's a hell of a menu. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, we were a bunch of big fat weirdos down there, but she was always stirring something, my mom. Whether it was a gumbo or a jumble, I, uh, stirring the pot, you know. Yeah, we had some stir, stir crazy. I mean, it was, but it was all, like I said, it was all pasta, Mac and cheese rice.
Starting point is 00:04:43 Maybe should stir rice. Okay, there you go. Uh... But yeah, that consists, that's all science. That's all molecules and temperature and timing. That's wacky, Jerry. It was very strange. And one time, another time I was at the airport lounge for 15 hours.
Starting point is 00:04:58 And so they had oatmeal, and I like oatmeal, and it sticks to the ribs. So I just kept eating oatmeal. We don't want too much. And then you think of like, farting and all that and shitting. Yes. I couldn't stop pissing. Pissing.
Starting point is 00:05:10 Yeah, I guess I think a lot of fiber can cause you to piss too, but it's also a water-based oatmeal. Interesting. And I did some googling because I was like, something's up here. I mean, I piss a lot anyways, you know what I mean? Well, welcome to Science Hour with Joe Joe and Dickless, but yeah, no, that's all pipes. It's true with all that that heat and stuff.
Starting point is 00:05:30 I do oatmeal every morning and I do the instant oats. I've done instant, but now I like to go to the plate because it's hard to get a proper porridge with the instant. What now it's a little flake? Well, the instant, you get like the quaker guy, the quaker dick. The oats. Yeah, and then you pour it in the boiling water. Well, the instant, you get the quaker guy, the quaker dick. The oats. Yeah, and then you pour it in the boiling water.
Starting point is 00:05:48 Yeah, well, I do microwave. It's instant. Well, yeah, but when it either way, it still feels like, it's a little, there's like a crunch to it. A little crunch. Yeah, you're just eating like oatmeal, dude. Whereas you go to a place that's done well,
Starting point is 00:06:04 they have, it's like a porridgey thing. It's like a thick soup. It's a more thick, a better consistency. This is drilling by the way. I know, this is the worst part ever. You're in. Oh, it's pretty funny, I think. I think it's interesting.
Starting point is 00:06:18 Boreage, Boreman's, Rich Man from Richmond. Well, I don't know, let me just say this, the heat thing. I hate the heat. Asian soups do not cool off. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's called hot and sour, and they're not fucking around. It should just be called hot and hot,
Starting point is 00:06:33 because you could just stir it, I got the lid off of there. I'm doing this shit, it won't cool off. I feel like Asian soup is too chunky. It's like a big hunks of thing. I can't even get, I like chicken and rice. It's too chunky. It's like a big hunks of thing. I can't even get, I like chicken and rice. Yeah, I like all, I like a soup across the board.
Starting point is 00:06:50 I'm like, what do you call it? Queer, I'm a pansexual, I'm a soup sexual. I like a biscuit chowder, a gumbo, a stew, bring it on. If it's got a ladle, put it in my ass. I had a soup last night, late night soup. You know me, it's still the same old G, but I've been low-key and I think you're like me. I love a late night diner soup. Oh Save and the worst is when you go hey Paco. What's what's the soup with a gay and he goes?
Starting point is 00:07:15 Yankee bean split pea like come on. What kind of world are we living in split pea? Give me a fucking chicken and rice. Give me an or give me a matsu well in New York City diners You're always gonna have a chicken rice chicken noodle chicken orzo. Yo, orzo the best. Oh, I think or you say so I love an orzo Morning, yeah, Alonzo, that's a stretch. I tried it's early folks, but anyway, I've said it before It's early folks, but anyways, I've said it before, B-O-Z-O. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, when I die, what I'll miss most is comedians add a diner post show.
Starting point is 00:07:55 You sit there, you talk about it all. That was crazy, that was far, that was gay, that was just. Can't beat it, there's nothing better, and that's why the pandemic was such a cum-guzzler because get the gif. Yeah, where the gif, what happened to the clip? Where you kick it and I catch it? That was just can't beat it. There's nothing better and that's why the pandemic was such a cum-guzzler because Get the gift. Yeah, where'd they get the way that happened to the clip where you kick it and I catch it? What happened there? I'm chuckle get that tea in 2020 This Christ a little wheel still spinning it was like six weeks ago for the folks at home
Starting point is 00:08:19 I punted it at the wall. I caught it with one hand. It's a long video. It's a lot to put together. I mean what the shit? I don't think that one's out. Yeah, I don't think the episode's out. Oh, that was like three months ago. There was a second one that you were like this one's better than the last one. No, no, the first one I said added together, make a compilation. I see. One where you bounce at 18 times. It was must've been again as well. It was a while ago. It was perfect. But anyway, what are are you gonna say about the or the soup at the diner late night? Oh the late night diner Comics out of diner late. Yeah. Oh Shit well first of all these diners are going away like hotcakes on a Friday
Starting point is 00:08:57 They just keep moving right there gone everyone. I see is boarded up. No no Comprenda don't come in and that scares the shit out of me. Well, Waverly's still there. Waverly's there. Waverly's there. Court-squared Diner went to last night, Neptune, and I mean, a story, so it's like Diner's central over there. The Greeks, they're old-none.
Starting point is 00:09:14 And Jersey has some, but I think part of it is this fucking sixth avenue, these places, you got overrun by the Cooke's, and people don't want to be out late at night. I know, I know, and they at night. I know, I know. And they wait outside. I saw I walked down Manetalane to go home and the line of the seller is down Manetalane.
Starting point is 00:09:32 And there's a goddamn Gis-Stain cum-Guslin wheelchair guy who I know now. I know that guy. He's got a little bit of a dread thing going on and judge dread and he's going down and he goes, got to change in the line. I was like a 58 person line. Got a change. Got a change. He's hitting every single person and you want to just put a broomstick in the spokes and get him a little what for and knock him out because I feel bad for these people.
Starting point is 00:10:00 Yeah, it's a tough tough times out there. By the way, I'm at the seller tonight for the first time since 1985 There's a lot of like But fat black nothing on fat black listed. I think that's the funniest thing when we come up with a lot of Did you get a good? I get a ha ha all the emoji ha ha yeah? All right, I got ignored by the other guy, but fat black listed that's great I only get spot. This is very inside baseball But you put in this the fat black bar. There's a fat I only get spot, this is very inside baseball. But you put in, there's the fat black bar,
Starting point is 00:10:25 there's the fat black lounge, the original comedy set, the village underground. You put in, and I'm only getting fat black spots. I got fat black listed. There you go. Very proud of it. I liked it. Mona's give me a typed out, haha.
Starting point is 00:10:37 I had a repeat of the thing. Okay, well, you want to go back and give a check all the ones I was proud of, that you didn't, haha. We'll be here for six years. No. I'll take that bet. All right. We to go back and give a check all the ones I was proud of that you didn't ha ha we'll be here for six years No, I'll take that bet all right Well, go back through I the only thing I stepped on was the jaws t-shirt and I was like what am I I can't work with this That was on me and I gave it a thumbs up emoji. I'll take it. I'll take I just I'm glad I got a response all right Well, it's you know the jaws t-shirt. I know you like the movie. I was in Martha's Vineyard, a shot in Martha's Vineyard.
Starting point is 00:11:05 Wow, you could have thrown in a, hey, I was walking through Martha's Vineyard thinking of you. Here's a photo. Well, speaking of which, let me get into this some tall tales of the Venn. I love the Venn, your tees the Venn. I can't wait for the Venn, Venscully, Venn Diesel. Yeah, Vennicated.
Starting point is 00:11:22 So it is a magical place. They, I love it, they won't touch it. They don't get a Walmart out there. There's one dairy queen on the main drag, and that's the only chain. Oh, is that right? That's it. It's got a preservation societies all up their ass.
Starting point is 00:11:36 Yeah, and they're in tuckin' too. Yeah, and that's, that's key. You gotta do that, because once those pink berries and dwein' reeds and, uh, sweet sweet greens get in there the whole thing's giz. I hate corporations except for Chipotle Starbucks Chick-fil-A cheesecake factory and uh, that's it. Walmart's pretty good. But uh, alright so, we do the live-up. Yes we do. We hide tail it back to the city, I get to bed at two, ee-e-e-e-e-e-e.
Starting point is 00:12:03 And the fucking alarm's going off at six. Boop, I hit that, the uh ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay Nice lady. Thanks for putting that together. So you get on the plate You land in Martha's Vineyard and you'll want to kill yourself. You're so tired You just what am I doing here? And then you just get out on the tarmac by the way Don't you love when you land and you're on the you're on the cement. I love it. Retarmac. Yeah, so Worst McDonald's order, but yeah, so you get down on the tarmac You're like, oh my god. I'm in the vine. You see like the the the mountains and the trees. It's lush. The air is different. There's a nip. Oh, I love a nip. Oh, yeah. So cat nip. So you go in. I find the lady. She's staying at the surf side in right on the water. Oh, so she's already there. She's already there. It's been there a day or two and the whole her whole family goes out. They bring the kids. These kids there's like 12 toddlers. Uh-huh. And they all bond and pool and floaties and lollipops and all this shit and I'm like, you don't know what you have.
Starting point is 00:13:13 Right. This is great memories these kids. They all play together and they all the friends and the parents know each other. The kids know each other. They're like two, you know, and they're just throwing a frisbee and they can't catch, you know, kids are stupid. Frisbee, one of the most dangerous things for a young kid because it's that hard plastic and they just have no coordination. Yeah. Right in the fucking teeth. Every time, every time.
Starting point is 00:13:36 Yeah. So they're on the swings and they just jump into the pool and they're like, ah, they got the floaties, they're kicking, they live for this shit. And then they eat those freeze pops. Oh, I just bought some freeze pops when I was up in Maine It was so exciting because you cut the top yes, you suck that thing out and then you get the juice at the end the last bite It's so juicy You're circumcised you're like a moil you cut the tip in your second exactly. Yes
Starting point is 00:14:01 Frankie moil so just a great time we get there and you just like, ah, I rent a mope right away. Woo! I go right to the mope shop. It's like a bunch of African guys. And they're like, oh, it's gonna be $8 million. And I'm like, ooh, it seems a little high. I popped down to the one next door, 200.
Starting point is 00:14:17 Isn't that weird? Wow. Yeah, big drop off the guys of Tuzge. What? And he goes, hey, here you go. And I go, I don't have insurance. I don't have a license. I'm drunk right now.
Starting point is 00:14:26 And he goes, get out of here. He throws me the keys. I catch them. And I get out of there. There's a Tuesday selling Mo Peds in my district. You got that right. Holy jizz, I gotta get down there. MV Bikes.
Starting point is 00:14:38 There's a shout out. Go to MV Bikes. He's cheaper. He's nicer. And he's fun. So get the Mo Peds. And the lady goes, I got bad news. I have meetings all day, my boss doesn't know I'm here.
Starting point is 00:14:49 She's zooming from the hotel room. And she's like, I got meetings all day, and I go, that's a shame, and it was just a puff of smoke. I was out of there. Oh, Jesus, poor lady, you gotta quit that job. I know. That's what I'm sure she's got a meeting. A lot of meetings, she's like a clan member.
Starting point is 00:15:04 So. I just don't think they just have one big one, wouldn't A lot of meetings, she's like a clan member. So. I just don't think they just have one big one. Wouldn't you think? Yeah. And I wonder if they hate the meetings. I don't get another meeting. There's no way they're like 8am, noon, three. It's probably just one big one.
Starting point is 00:15:15 They light a cross, they burn a kid, and they go on their way. It's a good point. And what do they, we hate blacks? And Jews? All right, see you later. All right, take care. And Mexicans.
Starting point is 00:15:23 We gotta get Eric. Yeah, great joke. They don't like the Atheists either, if you're white. The clan? Yeah, so like, they'll let us slide. Oh, geez. They'll get us 13th on the list, but they don't like us. No, no kidding.
Starting point is 00:15:39 There we go. And we're couple of there. They're the first. We're yeah. Yeah. Down it, go count it. Yeah. Yeah. Down it. Down it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:47 The clan doesn't care for us. Yeah. So, I just hopped on that moping. I go right to the beach and I'm like, whoo. I'm like, how you doing? You're good. She's like, eh, I want to kill myself. I'm like, eh, eh, what are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:15:57 You know, and I'm having a great time. I start drinking immediately. So we have a great night. I can't remember much of what happens. I blacked out. But the next day we're going to see John Hyatt. Oh, Johnny Hyatt. Big Johnny. Oh wait, the first night I did two shows in the vineyard. Oh wow. How are those? They were killer because there's nothing going on out there. So like, are you hoping Larry David shows it? every time Obama I want to kiss him both and so this lady runs these two shows cat and You know Derek Drescher. Yeah, it was on one Nico White was on one. It was a was a fun fun group and
Starting point is 00:16:35 She's like hey, you're in town. You might as well pop on I'll pay a couple bucks And your first thought is like what am I doing? I just want to sit here and drink and get some sun and eat a clam But you're like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm busy. Yeah, I'm like, oh, I'm busy. So I said, I'll pop in, sold out, killer shows. I walk on stage, I go, good to be here in the van,
Starting point is 00:16:53 this lady in the back goes, we don't call it that. I'm like, all right, here we go. So I trash her, you know, thick, mass accent. And then I go do the other one, that one's great. And next night, this is the fun part. I was like, we should do some shrooms. And I go, yeah, we should do some shrooms. So the host of the shows has shrooms. She goes, these are penis envy. You ever heard of this? This is the most powerful penis envy. I don't know how to eat it. Yeah, we fuck fuck a lot buddy boy Put that dick in your mouth because these are the strongest
Starting point is 00:17:26 the highest concentrate shrooms you can get. No kidding. And you know, she's on the van all day all year round so she needs a little hallucinogen. Okay. So I go, all right, we got some penis envy after the shows. Next day we like, let's go see John, we'll go to dinner, then we'll go see John Hyatt, and we'll take the shrooms.
Starting point is 00:17:45 All right, now they do look like Dicks, are they shaped like Dicks? They're shaped like Dicks, they're not mushroom-cappy, which also looks like a Dick. Interesting. Yeah, they're long and thin. If you pull up a pick, they're like weird, they're like rocket-shaped.
Starting point is 00:17:57 Very strange. The bombs and the bullets and the rockets are all shaped like Dicks. Exactly, so we got to dinner with a great dinner, we have oysters, we're right on the water, so here kind of junior there. No kidding. Yeah, he's looking good, by the way. I think he's buying some property, I assume. A lot of celebs out there. Oh yeah. And nobody messes with him. Oh, is that right? Yeah, because they know like, ah, you
Starting point is 00:18:17 know, they live here, leave Malone, and they're all rich too. Right, everyone's got some dough. Yeah. Which is tailors out there as well. when he Clark really yeah is he gay I don't think so okay let me come you lost a bunch of weight I was like he must be gay no I don't think so and he I think he used to throw gay words around well he's a lot to all right so we go out to dinner and I go well I want to be hitting peaking for the high it. Right. You know, John Hyatt, uh, have a little faith in me. I love John Hyatt. We talked about it. We, uh, his daughter, Lily Hyatt rock and roll. That's right. Wonderful. And then, uh, cry love tears of an angel. Wings of a dove. Fun guy. So of course, the
Starting point is 00:19:04 lady goes to her sister. Hey, we're going to see this concert. We like this guy a dove. Fun guy. So of course, the lady goes to her sister. Hey, we're gonna see this concert. We like this guy a lot. You should come. And they're like, oh, we don't know him, but let's do it. Which I was already skeptical about. You can't bring in people who, cause now I'm worried they're gonna hate it.
Starting point is 00:19:17 And I can't enjoy it cause I'm freaking out. Especially if you're doing drugs. Yeah, you know, I know that feeling to be like, check this out and the person's like, why do they do that? And I'll like this. You want to have the exclusive thing that you have with this artist. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:19:32 So that was already a little, whatever, but I'm like, hey, I'll be drunk, I'll be on shrooms, I'll be in my own world, fuck that. Right. So we had the dinner where we were kind of nibbling, you know, under the table of dinner, very nice. And the dicks. And the dicks. Yeah, yeah, the dick envy. And we're nibbling, we of nibbling, you know, under the table at dinner, very nice. And nice. The Dix.
Starting point is 00:19:45 Yeah, yeah, the Dix envy. And we're nibbling, we're nibbling, and we meet up with these, the family, the brother in law, which I'm weird to say, and the sister in law. And they go, we got the night off, they are watching our kids, this is a big night for us. And we go, we're gonna, we already took some shrooms, they go hand them over.
Starting point is 00:20:02 Ooh. So I'm like, okay, this is good. But they're both like, I can tell when you're a parent, you're gonna knight off, you gotta make it count. Yeah, I hate to be this guy, but it seems a little strange to be like, so the kids are on the island also. Yeah, and you're gonna trip on mushrooms.
Starting point is 00:20:19 Well, they're five minutes from home, and there's like 12 parents at the house. I guess so. So they're all there. Yeah. You know, there's a bunch of kids and a bunch of parents. That's all pipes, that all blends together. Kids go to bed at seven, by the way.
Starting point is 00:20:34 Yeah. It's like nine. It just feels like something happens all of a sudden you're tripping on mushrooms. You're at the hospital with the children. It is a concern. Okay. But this is America, we're on the vineyard.
Starting point is 00:20:43 It's a, it's a magical place. Oh, I've just thrown it out there. All right. I think it'll is America. We're on the vineyard. It's a magical place. Oh, I've just thrown it out there. All right. I'm going to be a good dad, by the way. I'm going to try to get you to the shrubs. You won't do it. I think so. Okay.
Starting point is 00:20:54 So we get to the the the venue. It's in a church giant big white church. We're like, wow, that's a little weird. That's amazing. Kind of cool. And we go, let's hang back. We got about 10 minutes. So the brother, he's a he's a party guy. He goes, well, that's a little weird. That's amazing. Kind of cool. And we go, let's hang back. We got about 10 minutes. So the brother-in-law, he's a party guy.
Starting point is 00:21:07 He goes, well, there's a bar right here. Let's do some shots, because I can tell he's like, this is gonna suck. Right. And I'm like, all right, all right. So we go and we're just, mind you, we've all taken shrooms. Nothing's happening yet.
Starting point is 00:21:19 We keep being like penis envy, everybody. Oh, we must be pros. These people don't know what they're talking about. We're a couple of Lifeers here. This is nothing where we got what do you call that we Heavy weights. Yes, but what's the word not a light weight? Stamina stamina close to the we got a base a baseline. We got high tolerance tolerance Bernie Sanders yes tolerance you got a lot of tolerance. Tolerance! Tolerance! Yes, like Bernie Sanders. Yes, yes.
Starting point is 00:21:46 Tolerance. You got a lot of tolerance. Yes, erotolerance. Family's got a lot of buffers. So, now we're getting a little banged up. We had some drinks at dinner, by the way. We, I put down a ton of shrooms because I was feeling nothing.
Starting point is 00:21:58 Uh-huh. So now we're in the concert. Apparently the lady who got all the tickets didn't realize, Oh, it was probably timed thank you didn't realize it's an acoustic intimate evening. I love an acoustic Intimate evening. That's the kind of show I want to see well We didn't we were expecting a rager Which I guess she's not gonna get on the vinn it's not exactly Metallica either this guy is a singer songwriter for God's sakes, but I'd like a maybe a drum set
Starting point is 00:22:26 Maybe a piano, you know give me something Uh-huh, and it was it was just an old white guy in a t-shirt. All right, so the place is sold out It's everybody in there is 900 years old right not a good sign. Yeah, it looked like I like a Like I don't know Biden's family in there It was crazy. I mean, I've been to a Joan Baez show and It was canter and I and we were the youngest by 30 years and the show ended before it was dark Wow started at seven and eight thirty you got the early bird show. It was like okay good night Yeah, yeah exactly so this show started probably eight everyone, you can tell everyone was well past their bedtime.
Starting point is 00:23:06 A lot of walkers, you know, Texas Ranger. And we get in there, we're like, all right, we got some seats in the back and their church pews. So you're in it. Like, this Jesus up on the wall, there's a la, there's Muhammad, or whatever it is. I'm gonna peer you. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:22 So he comes out, out he goes howdy folks I was hanging out with my granddaughter today and you're like yeah, yeah, get to the the second there Johnson and then he got Starts going Wait in the water or whatever and it's a little slow all right, okay, and you know the ladies go a little slow And I look over my brother-in-law. He's out He's out cold. He snore and cuz you know you play with the kids all day plus the 18 shots. And I go hey, I wake him up and I go here you go and I put a big ol' shroom under his nose like a smelling salt. And he goes give me that thing I'm dying here. We've been in there for four minutes. He's out.
Starting point is 00:24:00 Well this is the thing with parents and I just can't wait to be one one But it's they all just can't wait to get away from the kids Then they're like I'm away from the kids. Let me smoke some crack. Yes. Do a fucking Jagger, Bob But they haven't slept since fucking Christmas of 89 exactly immediately they're in bed Yes, the classic thing everyone's like we're gonna go for a date We got our friends in town. They're watching the baby then they try to fuck They can't get up and they go to bed. Classic and mind you. We're in an ominous church. He's playing a It's a lullaby wearing the church view. I mean, it's like a Catholic high school. Right. It's it's communion out here So I'm like, hey, I feel bad because I'm like no, no, he's gonna pick it up like I just I can't relax now I can't enjoy the concert because I'm so worried by this guy. That what's so hard about bringing someone to show and they don't know I've
Starting point is 00:24:47 done this with the old this is why I go to the US open by myself now cuz you go and the person's like what is this it's 15 how many sets are there it's four more hours yeah and then a new match starts like there's another match like there's like three more matches exactly I go alone alone is the move I prefer to be by my suit yeah yeah exactly so I go alone alone is the move. I prefer to be by myself. Yeah, yeah, exactly so I go to the there's a window. There's the windows are all of his a beautiful night the breeze is coming in So the shrooms are kind of kick it in a little bit nothing crazy I'm like man these are weak penis. That he sucks my dick fuck this shit and I go give me a little more Nibble that up and then the guy I with, he goes, I can't stay up.
Starting point is 00:25:25 And he pops open a zin. Zin, what's a zin? Zin, it's one of those nicotine pouches. You know that the tough guys do right here. Oh, okay. That whole thing, Gillis does it. A lot of guys do it. Oh, I always, this is like dip.
Starting point is 00:25:38 This is different. It's the same, it's dip in a pouch. I see. But it's called a zin, ZYN. Howard Zin. Yes, exactly, Zinem and so he pops in. I see. But it's called a Zin, ZYN. Howard Zin. Yes, exactly. Zinaman. So, he pops in.
Starting point is 00:25:48 I go, give me one of those. I've always wanted to try it. We're all kind of bored here. Just like a lot of, hmm, hey, hey, none and none. Hey, I mean, it is a lullaby. So I go, give me all these Zins. I put it in.
Starting point is 00:25:59 It burns like hell. I don't know why anybody likes it. But right when I put it in, the nicotine kicked in. I went, whoopop and the shrooms went Wow, I was on the moon. All right. What about shit? Give the shit that nice nicotine I got a cork in my ass at a dildo. I've already stopped that up because and I shit earlier But I was ready to go and so now I'm like
Starting point is 00:26:20 John Hyatt's got flames behind him is dicks out. He's going ah He's eating out my mom. I'm like holy hell So the lady sitting by the window so I go trade seats with me. I want to I want to feel the air and she's like you all right I'm like shut up bitch. I slap her and No one else is I look at everybody else. They're all bored out of their mind. I'm like, oh my god I'm freaking out. I'm in a church. God's looking at me baby Jesus, you know See three PO whoever's there. I'm freaking out and I'm like, church. God's looking at me baby Jesus, you know, see three PO whoever's there I'm freaking out and I'm like oh my god. He's just going
Starting point is 00:26:50 Oh What the hell I'm in a church I'm having flashbacks. I'm getting the lesson by a priest and I I just look out the window Now I have to look on the window to stop freaking out because it's a tree out there going Oh, tree's good love a tree and I going, oh, the tree's good. Love a tree. And I see a rabbit. His rabbit's out in the vineyard. Wow, rabbit and bunny. I got like, like, eagle eye.
Starting point is 00:27:11 So I'm just like, ah, focus on the rabbit. And she's hit me, she's going, you've been staring at the window for like an hour. And I was like, oh, really? Shit. And I was like, oh God. And no one else is tripping the zin. The zin, it kicked it up.
Starting point is 00:27:23 The zin kicked the trip. Yes, yes. So I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm freaking out the Zinn. And I spit the Zinn out. I just throw it out the window. And the... You're making all the stops? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:36 So eventually, it picks up a little and then the audience, it's a little boring. I hate to shit on the high it, but we didn't know it was an acoustic night. Right. So the audience, it's a little boring. I hate to shit on the high it, but we didn't know it was an acoustic night. Right. So the audience starts going, I'm a little fateful me. You know, this is a still Massachusetts.
Starting point is 00:27:52 They're a little chippy. Yeah, you got that right. Yeah, so the acoustic shows are tough because you don't quite know what to do. Yes. There's no sway, there's no dance. It's very much like you're sitting. Listen, that was it. And it's a little awkward because every now and then I
Starting point is 00:28:07 you'd have a peppy song and you have one guy doing this shit but he was only the one guy. Nobody wanted to join in and it's stuffy out there. I've been that guy by the way. I try. Here we go. And then everyone doesn't join you to sit down defeated. Right. So I'm on the window. I'm standing now because I'm like I can't sit. I'm too juiced up. I have to I'm the only guy. I'm standing now because I'm like I can't sit. I'm too juiced up Uh-huh. I have to I'm the only guy in the whole church standing and I can see John Hyatt's going is he a terrorist? What's this guy doing? Is he like gonna pull a Joker and Aurora thing? Why is this guy standing up? Right, but whatever
Starting point is 00:28:35 So I'm standing in the way the ladies like what do you do it? You look crazy. I'm like I gotta stand. I'm freaking out. So Finally after an hour and a half, people are going, cry love, cry love, and the one girl goes, it's her birthday, which is so funny. So that was only a comedy show. Oh my God. And so I see her and I'm like cringing in the rooms and it's all, it's too much, she looked like the devil. It's her birthday.
Starting point is 00:28:57 Ah, it was like a big Karen. Now what kind of venue are we talking? Is this a thousand people or like a hundred people, five hundred? Whatever it's your choice, I'd say 250 a hundred people? 500 whatever a church hole. I'd say 250 300 is a big church size a little church big church. I'm not a apple. No, no, no and I'm just like what are we doing here? What am I doing with my life? I'm on an island I'm in a church I'm with these people who are they hate this I hate this I'm married
Starting point is 00:29:22 I want to jump out the window the whole thing's coming crashing down. Oh boy. So finally, everyone keeps kind of heckling him a little. And he's like, all right, all right, I'm not gonna play that. And you can tell he didn't wanna play the hits. Right. And then one lady kind of angrily goes,
Starting point is 00:29:38 have a little faith in me. You gotta play have a little faith in me. Cause he's playing all like his new shit, I think. Yeah. And he was like, well, I usually wait till the end. He could tell he's getting a little annoyed. He's like, I usually wait till the end, but I feel for him. All right. I'll play it right now. So have a little faith in the crowd goes eight shit. That's like his biggest song, I guess. Right. And then then he goes back
Starting point is 00:29:58 into new, Foki acousticie shit and people are walking. Whoa, walk it out. And I can't handle this too much. I feel bad for him. I'm relating to him as a performer, but I'm also kind of bored. They're sleeping. I'm all fucking shroomed out. So it was wild.
Starting point is 00:30:15 So we leave there. Finally, we leave. There are both going before the end of the show. No, we finished it. Okay, all right. We finished it. They're waking up. The guys are like, whoo, at alarm clock,
Starting point is 00:30:24 went off You know pillow and a long hat and they're like we got to go to a bar I mean this that was a big big flop a dud. Yes a big dud and we're out there milling and I'm I'm shroomed up But I'm milling with the old fuck. I'm like what'd you guys think? You're like? I've seen it before a little better. I didn't love it. I'm like oh man at the old folk aboard Right we go to a bar now ever I'm like, oh man, if the old folk are bored. So can we go to a bar now ever? I'm coming down finally. Everyone else's shripping hard. They're tripping their balls off.
Starting point is 00:30:49 I see. Because they've been nibbling the whole time out of boredom. We killed the whole bag. It was a huge bag. So now we go to a bar and you know, everything's nautical there. And may the lady starts freaking out. She's like, we're on a ship. The ship is sinking.
Starting point is 00:31:03 She thought she was on a ship because there's one fucking port hole in this gold dot god damn bar she thinks the place is sinking and we had to get her out of there so we go back to the the house with all the kids you know it's like midnight at this point uh we go back to the house of the kids I'm hammered they're all tripping balls and they're just talking about the kids we're sitting in a car port on folding chairs like oh I love my kids. And I'm like, oh, God, I got a flight at two in the morning. I got to get out of here and may, may can't even talk. She's like frozen.
Starting point is 00:31:32 Mayday. Yes. May day. So I go, let's just get out of here. We get an Uber and the Uber felt like a spaceship. We're like, whoa, man. This is crazy. It was like a Mercedes.
Starting point is 00:31:42 What kind of cars is I've never seen a car like this? The guys like, what's the news? Benz, you know, and then we finally It was like a Mercedes. What kind of car is this? I've never seen a car like this the guys like Mustard, he's been you know, and then we finally get to the hotel back I get her in the covers and she's I was like maybe I'll get laid you know you have that moment Of course and she's just twitching and drooling and farting and I was like all right fuck it I go to bed Gotta go on airplane two days are leaving. I'm leaving on a jet plane. Now getting out of the bin is like getting out of Vietnam. Yes.
Starting point is 00:32:11 So I'm on Cape Air, which I call Ray-Pair. But, all right, all right, well, they also call it Cape, Cape Scare, because it's a little ricketing. All right, it's very small. It's one of those ones they have like the cooler in the back, it's like six seats. Yeah, I've flown Cape Air.
Starting point is 00:32:24 So it's JetBlue Delta, American and Cape Air. The only thing to go out of this island. Right. They've just the richest people in the world. The airport looks like it's from Nigeria. It's like a Hudson and cement and chainling fences. No, it looks like an old family photograph from Ellis Island.
Starting point is 00:32:40 Everyone standing with like Bob, like you know, wooden suitcases, standing on the side, thumping for a plane. Exactly, exactly. Everybody's suitcases got like, Bob, like, you know, wooden suitcase is standing on the side, thumbing for a plan. Exactly. Exactly. Everybody's suitcase got all the stickers on it, you know? Yes. So I go, all right, my flight is at eight.
Starting point is 00:32:53 So I got there at seven, but I call an Uber. There's no Uber's on Martha's Vineyard. Not at that hour. It's six o'clock. I gotta be there for seven. So I'm Ubering and one guy goes, I'll be there in like 40 minutes. I'm like 40 minutes. The airport's a half hour away. I gotta be there for seven. So I'm Ubering and one guy goes, I'll be there in like 40 minutes. I'm like 40 minutes. The airport's a half hour away. I'll never make it.
Starting point is 00:33:08 And so he hangs up. I go, oh, I think it's lift. It's like loading, looking for drivers, looking for drivers. Nothing. So I go, what am I gonna do? I gotta get to the airport. It's a half hour away. I'll never make it. It's my biggest fear. The worst fear. And then I go out, I'm like standing on the sidewalk, like just trying to get service. I got my suitcase and a guy is sweeping. And I go, I gotta get to the airport. I'm just talking to a random guy.
Starting point is 00:33:33 He's like, you better take a cab. I was like, oh yeah, cab. I call the cab company. Got there in five minutes. I bet it around. Oh, nice. Yes. Thank Christ.
Starting point is 00:33:42 Got in the cab. The guy was a Brazilian. He just told me how the vineyard sucks now. It's all about money, no one cares anymore. It used to be a special place, and now it's just a bunch of rich people, whatever. So I get to the airport. Woo!
Starting point is 00:33:55 All right folks, pilot sick. We got a sick pilot. Pilot sick. No flight. Is there another pilot? That's what I said. I was like, that's a diamond dozen't it's a 40 minute flight to Boston By the way, I got to go to Boston Atlanta
Starting point is 00:34:11 Springfield Missouri Oh, I know what so that's three flights couple connections out of the vineyard Damn it. Yeah vineyard to Boston Boston Atlanta to Atlanta, Atlanta to Springfield, brutal. So I'm supposed to get there at 230. I'm, the flight doesn't go with the pilot being gay. That fucks us. So then he's like, we'll put you on a later flight. So you're gonna go out at 11.
Starting point is 00:34:37 And I go, but my connection's at 10.30 and Boston, he goes, yeah, sorry. And I go, fucking Cape Air. So that one barely goes. I have photo, I took video, Chuck. I gotta send you the video. I go fucking Cape Air. So that one barely goes. I took video, Chuck. I gotta send you the video. We got into this plane. I mean, this thing was, it was from the silent era.
Starting point is 00:34:52 I mean, they probably shot down a patent with this thing. So it's got a swastik on the side. It's green. It's rusty. And the guy, the guy goes, all right, all right. You, and he points to me, me goes because all it's all about wait You got to sit the cockpit The cock what and he goes yeah, yeah, we just needed to even it out because it's much a you know fat Americans
Starting point is 00:35:14 Right, so he's like you got to sit in the cockpit. I'm like, okay? The guy behind me is the biggest tallest man on the planet So he's like you got to hike your seat up so I'm right up against the instrumentsrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Since how it's gonna go you put your seat belt on or I'll fucking come back there and and and show you who's who or whatever You like oh god, so he he goes and the wheel goes The yoke the yoke yes the yoke saw you so that what yoke boob and he and my knees are up against I'm not a talk up my knees are against the dash and he goes what's that left knee because you're you're on the landing gear What I was like what the hell is going on so insane so I have to kind of keep my knee low, but I'm hitting the The I'm hitting the wall here so I'm like doing this shit, you know try to turn it and you know one guy's out there
Starting point is 00:36:16 It goes and he hits the propeller it starts been the hit the other but I was like Indiana Jones out there So it's raining it's windy so he goes ah, it's gonna be real bumpy, and there's no cushion. I'm sitting on Wicker here, and he goes, ah, we're taking off. Ah, everybody's like freaking out of the plane, because it's like, wow, wow, and the wind, the propeller's crazy. One guy goes, what happens if an engine goes out?
Starting point is 00:36:39 He goes, we got another one, it was insane. So wait, you're in the front windshield, looking for a windshield. I'll show you, I got the video. Oh my god out the window Jerry That's it and I'm up against it because the guy behind me's huge So the other guy in the cockpit behind you. Well, no, it's all bunch of seats behind all one It's just one tube. It's once a guard tube. Wow. It's crazy all the baggage went in the wing He opened up a latch and the through the shit in the wing
Starting point is 00:37:05 Jesus crazy crazy, I'm on no sleep I'm still shroomed out a little bit, you know the whole thing's wonky and he's giving me instructions like all right What I say this you pull this lever and I'm like, uh, he's like yeah, and then then uh look out the windows Say to help Mary's face Becca and then yank this core and I'm like I can't remember all this the give you leather helmet and goggles I wish I wish I had a scarf going to the win, like the red Baron. But yeah, so we finally landed Boston and I go, ah, we landed on the tarmac,
Starting point is 00:37:34 you know, it has to put all the way to the gate. We all the way home. Yes, the little piggy. And he goes, all right, who's what, what? I go, I'm Boston Delta and he goes, ooh, you got to go all the way to A. I go, all right, I'll go to A and he goes, that means you got to go through security again. I'm like, oh my god. I look at my clock, watch, and I go, oh, it boards in like 11 minutes. So run all the way through. It's all wevy and winding through Logan. Get to security. Thank God for
Starting point is 00:38:07 pre-check. Fly through security. And I'm running and it's of course, it's just B 79. You know, so you're just running, running, running, running, uh, B 16, B 17. I'm like, I gonna all the way to 79, you're pushing kids out the way you're trying to find the, uh, the automatic ramp. What do he call that? Oh, yeah, conveyor belt. Yes, yes. Is that it?
Starting point is 00:38:27 The moving sidewalk. Yeah. Same thing. So I'm on the moving sidewalk. I'm pushing fat people out of the way. I'm taking pilots in the face. Finally, I make it. There's a little trickle of a line coming out of gate A78.
Starting point is 00:38:38 I get in the line. They close the door behind me. Ah, I made it. Just to Atlanta. Then once you get to Atlanta, got a whole ass all the way to the side of the fucking airport. Finally get to Springfield.
Starting point is 00:38:52 Holy shit. Get in an Uber. Go to the hotel, left my bag. I just left my bag. Where? It's on the Springfield. Well, no, I put in the wing. Ah, the wing.
Starting point is 00:39:09 And then they go, well, we'll get it to Springfield. And I go, okay, great. And so you just go, I have no bag. This is nice. I get to Springfield. Woo! That was harrowing. Okay, my shows in two hours.
Starting point is 00:39:21 It's got to get to the hotel, take a shower. I get an Uber. I get to the hotel. My bag is just spinning on the belt. I hate the spin. The lonely spin. The lonely spin. So I got to get an Uber, go back to the airport. Of course, my bag's in some fucking, you know, office now. And I got to go talk to a lady. She gives me the bag. I go back to the hotel. Shower up, go straight to the show. I'm Fubes, 1500 people, Springfield, Missouri, had a weird show, couldn't remember my fucking last name. We did it, and then we went out after.
Starting point is 00:39:53 Nice. All right, I'm sorry, that was long. No, that was great. I mean, that's quite a tail, tailwind, tailspin. Yes, yes. What was the guy's name from tailspin? Balloon. Balloon. Yeah, I'm a balloon. Bare necessities. That. Yes. What was the guy's name from tail spin blue blue? Yeah, how blue? Baron
Starting point is 00:40:05 Assessities. That's right. That is a brutal feel. Well, that's the thing. If you don't check your bag often. Yes. Anything you don't do a lot of the time. I mean, this is like most insane thing I've ever seen in my life. And so is there two pilots up there? There's one guy in me. I was a cop I mean, legal probably not, but they were getting a lot of complaints. I mean, that's insane. You're like Frank Abagnale Jr. Yes, yes, exactly. I mean, that is really. The wildest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life.
Starting point is 00:40:34 I know, I didn't know they could do this. I got a seat belt. It was like a dental floss. And my knees are up against the instruments. Yeah, I mean, this feels totally illegal. I think we could shut these people down. Yeah, at one point, the the engine was right by my face So it's kind of like lulling me to sleep. I was on no sleep. I fell asleep and he goes hey
Starting point is 00:40:50 Hey, and I go what he goes your knee your knee. I hit the gear I hit the landing gear Oh shit, sorry. I mean this is gotta be this is a relic of the past. There's no way This is okay with the FCC the NBA or Amelia Earhart blew a guy in this thing Airhead she died right? Yeah with the FCC, the NBA, or... Amelia Earhart blew a guy in this thing. Ha ha. Earhead. She died, right? Yeah, well, you know, you got a female driver. What do you think? They got lost, right?
Starting point is 00:41:11 Didn't she crash? Yeah, go ahead and got lost. Yeah, what does she stinks? I mean, that is unbelievable. Put the clips on the Patreon or whatever, but I got like eight clips of me taking off. I got the landing. The whole thing was crazy. Wild in the rain.
Starting point is 00:41:28 Oh, yeah, of course, everything was against us. But yeah, I made it, and then we mean Corbin and Dayton. Oh, Dayton. The set who hosted, we got off the gig at, what is that called, Springfield. And then I went to bed, I fell asleep for 11 hours. Then we got up and drove to St. Louis, three hour drive, easy peasy.
Starting point is 00:41:51 St. Louis, we did this place called the factory. Apparently Louis was just there a year ago, whatever. Oh, oh. 2,000 people sold out outside of St. Louis. I gotta give a shout out. This is the hottest crowd, great venue, amazing, had a great time, and then flew home. I love St. Louis.
Starting point is 00:42:06 Do you? Yeah. Well, I love the St. Louis funny bone. Great club. Haven't been in a dog's age. I gotta get back there. But yeah, I love the good people out there. Greg Warren, Nikki Glazer.
Starting point is 00:42:17 Pete Lee? No, he's Wisconsin. And then the art is fun. Johnny. Johnny can cut sort of, yeah, he's from yeah, he's from southern Illinois St. Louis, yeah, he started over there But yeah great great comics great people get back to the funny boat, but yeah, that's fucking great club That is quite a tail. Sorry. Yeah, that was way longer than I thought No, no, that was like crazy cock pit flying flying. I mean, that really feels like if they, if someone ratted them out, they would, you guys are shut
Starting point is 00:42:49 down. This is no good. We got the evidence right here, Charlie. I mean, that is nuts. Yeah, wild time. And then just got back from LA last night. So you in LA? Yeah, I did one night in LA. No kidding. I had no idea. I kept under wraps. There was some Netflix bullshit. And I, that's all another story, but I got to throw it to the old sweatpants. I don't even know what I have over here other than a lot of texts from my gay family. Uh-uh. He's all right. Yo-yo. Two-set stories brought to you by Blue Choo. Everybody loves a guy who is self-assured in the bedroom in Blue Choo. It could help make sure you're ready whenever the mood strikes. Blue Choo is an online service that delivers ED erectile dysfunction medicine straight to your door with the same
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Starting point is 00:44:43 And we thank Blu-chu for sponsoring the pod and helping us stay hard. Hold on, I got a thing I wanted to talk about. Well, last time let me just throw this out there. Shove it right in your ass. What's that you said? I was just saying you got to see that. I mean, this, this is the pilot. Look at this guy.
Starting point is 00:45:01 This guy was not fucking around. The pilot is the audience. I mean, yeah, I mean, that is just wild. It looks like guy. This guy was not fucking around. The pilot is the audience. I mean, yeah. I mean, that is just wild. It's like driving an old Buick. Yeah, it felt like that. It felt like a Model T. T-bag.
Starting point is 00:45:14 Oh yeah, this is all nonsense. The air pod thing really took over my life for like four days. I've told the story to 19 people. It's so good. It's wild, but I gotta give a shout out to our old pal Matt Wayne. Last night his film premiered. He made a film in Sicily a few years ago.
Starting point is 00:45:31 Oh, it was this guy. Last night. It was the New York premiere. Him and his buddy Mike, something. I can't remember his name. Big Mike. But they did this place film noir cinema in Williamsburg. You've probably driven by there or walked by there.
Starting point is 00:45:44 Yeah, I don't know. It's a little hole in the wall. It's like literally built into like a house. Uh-huh. Now, I would always drive by and be like, what the fuck is going on in there? Yeah. It's right over off of, what is that, Manhattan?
Starting point is 00:45:57 Yes. You know, the main drag, where the original Skankfest was. Not the original, but the big New York. Yeah, Greenpoint. Yeah, Greenpoint. And it was over there in Greenpoint. Big New York. Yeah, Greenpoint. And, and it was over there in Greenpoint. We went over. Shavon was going.
Starting point is 00:46:08 He picked Sarah and I up, went over and it was a who's who of who's not of who we used to see. Oh, okay. It was like Robert Dean, Chris Welty, George Gordon. It's like a cabin reunion. Yeah. It was very much. It was very such like cabin. Maybe when I have a PBR, just throwing like a cabin reunion. Yeah, it was very much it was very such like cabin. Maybe one have a PBR just throwing back with the boys. Yeah, make out with Rebecca, whatever it is.
Starting point is 00:46:30 But the film was great. Great little cinema 60 seats sold out and it was fun. You know, Matt was sitting right behind us in the great film. It was it was Dean and and and Chivone and me and Sarah star studded events. Sure. You guys have never heard of these folks, but they're great guys. No one has. And the film was awesome. It was one of those nights you come out, Matt was in a suit, they did a Q&A, I threw out a Q, they gave me an A, I felt really smart.
Starting point is 00:46:56 Naneel. After a Gihug and your kiss, they were going to a rooftop party. You don't met Vita? Vita. Vita. Yeah. No. It's got. Vita. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:06 It's got a Vita the homeless. Got a great room up in Woodstock, Vermont. You should go do it sometimes. Oh, yeah. Bring the lady. It's a great hike and... There's a Woodstock Vermont end of New York. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:14 Weeere. We've talked about this before. They all just take all the town names. Yeah, there's a couple of Springfields. There's like 30 of those. Portland was almost called Boston. They flipped to Coinn. Why?
Starting point is 00:47:22 Portland, Oregon. They were in a name of Portland, or after Portland, Maine, or Boston to Boston, Massachusetts, flipped to Coinn, Oregon, they were gonna name it Portland, or after Portland, Maine, or Boston, to Boston, Massachusetts, flipped a coin, landed on Portland. How about that? Portland is Portland. Did I say this in the last step? I've never heard it.
Starting point is 00:47:32 I can't remember. I'm on drugs. There are the Wells Rooms. But what a premiere, what an exciting moment, great film. You give the big hug, I picked him up, he's kicking his feet, his wife was there, everyone was excited, and then Vita, this guy's a comic great guy. He's like his feet his wife is there everyone was excited and then Vita this this guy's a comic great
Starting point is 00:47:45 Go he's like we're going to my rooftop party. We got 60 beers 14 Bud lights three Corn hens and a two eggs and then Sarah was like I feel like shit. I'm pregnant. We were like all right We got the hell yeah, but still very fun and exciting. So keeping the sound of the island is the name of the film and it was really exciting. Hell yeah, I love these guys making movies and just mix it up. Yeah, it's fun to do things and I've been out,
Starting point is 00:48:17 well, I mean, this is coming out in six months because you're going to Europe for three days or whatever. Sure. But I was at the US Open yesterday, the night before. I been all over that US Open and I just love it. I go out there and I sit there and really take it in, take in the sights and the sounds. Good.
Starting point is 00:48:35 Two's Gays are plenty else. Everywhere I go, hey, let's stay gay. I'm gay, my father's gay. I love to hear it. And it's very exciting. So I got no stories, but you're so open. I love that. I just love that New York has so much to offer.
Starting point is 00:48:48 You can just pop out to what is that? Forrest Hills. Flushing. Flushing and just see a crazy event with star-studded affair and these pro athletes who are a top tier. Queens most underrated borough. I talk about it all the time.
Starting point is 00:49:02 I tried to get you to the move there. Your wife said, fuck you, you fucking nerd. we don't want to look at your teeth you suck queens blows yeah but i mean you got forest hills forest hill stadium but that's a million miles away that's twenty minutes forest hill stadium uh... you got both airports that you got the most diversity it's more affordable it's closer to Manhattan it's got a great train. Central Park is 15 minutes away a story of park Biggest out park biggest what do you call it public pool in the United States? That's right. That's what I want to do getting a public pool. You got waterfront and it's just the best less crime
Starting point is 00:49:39 That's true less expensive less hipsters less potential. I like that. I like that. All right. Well the Queens is lunch I'm not against queens Feels like we're gonna settle down. It's the burbs Jerry. All right But no good burrow. I like Staten Island Are you moving to Brooklyn in 10 minutes? I'm trying the fucking house is falling down It needs new beams and foundation is crumbling and Fucking house is falling down. It needs new beams and foundation is crumbling and I'm starting to think you didn't even buy a house. I mean that was two years ago. We're talking now What's going on? I've been paying the mortgage the whole goddamn time and I'm fighting with the
Starting point is 00:50:14 Turkish man with a lawsuit and I got a I got an Irish guy coming in there I'll top of the morning. Maybe I'm gonna fix this right up, but he's in Jamaica right now. It's a boot Jamaica That's in Queens. Hey, there you go Donald Trump is from Queens everybody likes him all your favorites All the hitmakers are up there. Well, you got Simon and Gar you got Billy Eichner you got Greg Deraldos the Ramones Laila Cool J That show Ray Romano's show Kevin James's show the cast and says Rodney danger field. Yeah, I'll tell you is Ray Romano.
Starting point is 00:50:51 I know the show took place in Queens. I don't know. I think he's Queens. Maybe he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens.
Starting point is 00:51:00 I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens.
Starting point is 00:50:58 I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens.
Starting point is 00:51:05 I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think he's Queens. I think is Long Island. Yeah, I guess so. Queens! Queens! There you go. Oh, there was another good one. Oh, John Favreau, I believe is Queens. Oh, no kidding. He's a filmmaker. Boy, Favreau, he's good. He's good.
Starting point is 00:51:14 He's ripped and swigged. Every watch you swingers. He's like, oh yeah. Fucking ripped. And then he just became a fat fuck. Came a fat fuck and he went just went to Iron Man. I'll just be this guy now. Yeah. I'll make a zillion dollars and be mainstream
Starting point is 00:51:27 Boy, that's really something. Yeah, yeah, he's a fun fun guy. All right. What else you got? Hope he got something else written over there. I got the air pod is all I had for like six months with stories That's gonna last you through the the millennia. We've done 48 episodes in three days. Okay, now let me let me throw this at you Please shove it right in here. So I got this net that basically the improv comedy club had a 60th anniversary. So they do a little comedy thing. And it was a star studded affair was Jo Koi,
Starting point is 00:51:55 Whitney Cummings, myself, Fortune Feams to Brook Christ, your Dion Cole, Jeff Dunham and Craig Robinson. Wow. This is the lineup. Those are some real stars. Hot, hot show, and I should not have been on it. Everybody was like, you know, 20 years senior, whatever you're going to call it.
Starting point is 00:52:11 Where does he Jeff Dunham? He's got the puppets, he's a, the zillionaire, and then Jo Koi is like sells out the forum 28 times. It is wacky. Huge arena got Dunham. I've never met, never been in the same room. Never really seen him. I never watched any of it. I don't know anything about Dunham. He arena got done him. I've never met, never been in the same room. Never really seen him. I never watched any of it.
Starting point is 00:52:26 I don't know anything about done him. He's an ancient guy. Obviously he's wildly famous and popular. He's got the puppets and everything, but he's still a squirrely comic. Like he talked to him and you could tell he's kind of like, oh, you think you're better than me? You think you're better than me because I got puppets.
Starting point is 00:52:38 And I'm like, oh, I'm just saying hello. I'm actually jealous of your life. Well, I think a lot of these guys, they're so isolated, because they're on these big tours, he's not probably hanging out at the improv all that much. You're not bumping into Jeff Dunham at the seller, or at Broadway comedy club. Totally.
Starting point is 00:52:53 So he's out in his own world, and then he's so big and so famous, there's so many corporates and casinos. I'm sure he's just very much removed. I don't know anybody that knows Jeff Dunham. No one knows him, except for Leno. Yeah, it's like, carat time. You go out, you get mocked quite a bit.
Starting point is 00:53:09 You go out and live in Vegas. You got your residency, you got your fans, you got your theater, and you're good. Yeah, I guess so. You don't know, Garden Schwartz moved to Vegas. No. Yeah, he lives in Los Vegas. Lot of comedians, Bret Ernst, Brian Regan,
Starting point is 00:53:21 Noah Garden Schwartz, his wife's a comedian. Esther. Maybe that's the move now. You go to Vegas. Wow, it's too hot. It's 175 degrees. It Schwartz, his wife's the comedian. Esther. Maybe that's the move now. You go to Vegas. Wow. It's too hot. 175 degrees. It's like living on the sun.
Starting point is 00:53:29 Yeah. Um, so, and I hate casinos, but I guess this is the whole nother aspect. Yeah, I think there's other shit there. Okay. Yeah. So, uh, I just talked to him yesterday. I didn't know he lived in Vegas. Good for him.
Starting point is 00:53:42 He got out. Big Vegas. How about that Vegas? So What was I talking about Jeff Donum? Oh, yeah, so anniversary flying how about this? So I got a I got a noon flight because fun to go to Vegas. You gain three are LA you gain three hours So you got a noon flight out of Newark United and I go man I'm in the I'm in the back of this plane. It's a good six hour flight I've been going all over fucking God's green earth
Starting point is 00:54:06 Let me just upgrade. I'm just gonna buy it. I took a little your advice ahead you tickled my dick hole and I go eight ninety nine eight hundred and ninety nine dollars upgrade. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. So they go, well I'm making a pretty penny on this This show here. So maybe I'll just do it. Fuck fuck it i just click click i love it i'm all for it well here's the rub okay i get the you know email hey you got your ticket is here now uh... homo and i go great all right
Starting point is 00:54:36 and then i checked over the app because you want to see that fucking seat you want to go off to the exactly and it goes whoop hey there was an open seat in first class. You got upgraded. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You must be talking about the one I just bought. And they're like, no, no, you've been upgraded because you have enough points or whatever. And I go,
Starting point is 00:55:00 I just bought a seat. And they were like, oh, shouldn't have done that. So do you have two seats now? I got two seats. So now I'm out 900 bucks for nothing I think we need to lay across them like you know Louis Anderson I can't I can't do a jump a net or a Ralphie May They're on opposite sides of the spectrum. Oh Jesus. So I totally fucked myself, and I'm now laying down miserable So I totally fucked myself and I'm now laying down miserable. I'm looking at this some fucking lady over there going, I bought that bitch, you have no idea, I paid for that. Seat your chunky whore.
Starting point is 00:55:31 So that fucking ruined my life. And I go, see if I just bit myself with my, bit all frugal, I would have had a save $900. I suppose this is my fault, but uh, I like it. And okay, you give it away, away give it away give it away now? Scrab a you know a soldier or a deaf kid or like a handicap woman some fat soccer moms in there doing a Sedoku well, that's good good for her You know that allows her to get the upgrade some some fat asshole who's raising the kid pro improperly probably well You know you knighted some fat guy with a cigar is gonna feed on a disc,
Starting point is 00:56:06 and we got another one. I know, they just want the money, they take it, they love it. I'm thinking about flying United, because I gotta go from Chicago to San Francisco, I booked Delta, but it's Chicago to Detroit, to San Francisco, and I get in like 3.30 pm, I have two shows that night,
Starting point is 00:56:22 so I'm thinking I'm just going United and buying one of these $5,000 tickets. Yeah, well wait for the upgrade first, but yeah, why why connect they can't go to San Fran? Well, because it's all hubs. Yeah, the hub which took me 20 years to realize that air What do you call airlines have hubs? I didn't know what a hub I was just not you Chicago to San Francisco. Let's go Yeah, Delta hub a hub a daily you gotta, to fly Delta, you gotta be in Atlanta, Detroit, New York, Denver, or whatever the fuck Los Angeles. Yeah, that's interesting.
Starting point is 00:56:54 I didn't know that because yeah, United, I think is all, it's either Newark or Chicago. United is a Newark hub and Chicago hub. That's why that's like the old gag. When I die, I don't know if I go to heaven or hell, but I don't know if I'll have a layover in Atlanta. Just Delta is all Atlanta. The hub, the stink.
Starting point is 00:57:12 And Salt Lake City. Okay. Well, that sucks. I hate the connection. You think Chicago is a big enough airport, but yeah, go United, fuck it. Maybe I'll go United. It's gonna be a crazy, crazy week.
Starting point is 00:57:22 I'm going, well, I guess this already happened by the time you hear this,. I'm going well, I guess this already happened by the time you hear this But I'm going to Chicago Tuesday I'm going to Pearl Jam that night that I'm doing zany's two-should sold out shows the Wednesday Cubs day game everyone's got all the project people are going to the Cubs game two shows that night Pearl Jam Thursday San Francisco Friday Saturday Wow Don't the cub shooting back home back home and it's a lot of cookie.
Starting point is 00:57:48 But I'm like, live it. It's like a bucket list. I'm having a child. My life is gonna be over. So I gotta go and run around. And I'm telling Sarah, I'm like, I'm so sorry. You're pregnant. You're waddling.
Starting point is 00:57:58 You're sad. You're upset. I'm gonna be gone. And she's like, live, Jerry. Oh, that's a good life. It's a good life. And because I'm pretending that I'm not going to do this when I have the child.
Starting point is 00:58:07 Sure, sure. I hope I got lost by last chance. Yeah, live it up. And good for her to let you do it. Cause some, they'll say misogyny, biology's the biggest misogyny. You know, the pregnancy, the period, the hormones, the aging, the dits, the bilg, you got a kid's second
Starting point is 00:58:27 biting on your nips here. Not good. Yeah, it's interesting. If you're titsag, it's bad, but if you're dick sag, it's kind of good. You dick gets longer. That's true, but the ball sag also bad. Ball sag is bad, ball, ball sag it. It's something, but I think you could probably surgically jam them back up there. Yeah. I think you can get a snip on the skin and it tucks it. It tightens it.
Starting point is 00:58:47 Nip tuck. Yes. But I was just talking to a friend of mine who were main nameless and I was telling him about my wife and my wife's behavior of just like, yeah, we don't really fight. We don't do that. And he was like, this is crazy. And it's a good reminder. He's like, you have it so good because we don't, Sarah and I don't talk on the phone.
Starting point is 00:59:04 I'll go away for three, four, five, six days. Wow. You should have text. I was your day good. But I hate the like, oh, I got to excuse me. I got to go check in. Yes. And you see a guy pacing right, you're at the restaurant
Starting point is 00:59:15 a bar and you see a guy pacing around doing this. Oh, the worst. Yeah, you got, you're at a party with a guy and he's like, I got to go. Like, whoa, we just got here. Yeah, she's mad at me. You're like, woo, fun life you got. Yeah, you're on the out of party with a guy. He's like I got to go like whoa, we just got here. Yeah, she's mad at me You're like whoo fun life you got yeah, you're on the road and you have to go back to the hotel Yeah, it doesn't even make sense crazy crazy. I don't know why women do that. Well, sometimes they're not trust worthy
Starting point is 00:59:37 I trust worthy right worthy of trust. So that's that helps So I don't want to just give her all the credit here I'm sure if I was out drinking and fucking should be like get back to that hotel and send me a picture of today's paper Right in hotel. Yeah, there's that whole thing But no, that's great, but I think there's two heads of that coin. There's a double headed snake Which is sometimes you're off jet setting around you're living the life you never have to check in But then you come home and you're like honey, I'm here and she goes, I don't care. Right.
Starting point is 01:00:06 So there is that other side too, where you're kind of like, hey, you gotta give me a little more there, Dickless. Yeah, well, she's happy to see me and all that stuff. But it's nice too. I was like, because my friend was like, you ever fight about this? I'm like, no, you ever fight about that?
Starting point is 01:00:18 No. You ever have that fight? I'm like, no. You don't have to check in? No. A common myth is, oh, you got a fighter or else you got no sex. See, there's no, if you're not fighting, I mean, there's no passion. You're like, bad idea. You're banging. Yeah, we fuck. We fuck all the time. It's great. Well, there you go. I'm not worried about the baby because then you got to not fuck for two weeks or something.
Starting point is 01:00:36 Yeah. Oh, wow. Is that right? It'll be no moment. Some people say six. I was talking to Rosebud and she's going C-sec. Uh-huh. And I was like, why is that? She's like, oh, I already told you this. The great vagina. Yes. Okay, never mind. That was a couple episodes ago, but yeah, I mean, I don't know. But you know, with the person long enough, you want a new vagina is exciting. Oh, good point.
Starting point is 01:01:00 I think it's a blivurated. You're like, hey, I'm fucking a crazy broken pussy. That's fun. It's a new pus. It's broken, but it's new. Exactlyorated, you're like, hey, I'm fucking a crazy broken pussy. That's fun. It's a new pus. It's broken, but it's new. Exactly. Broken is good. Yes, if it ain't broke, fucking.
Starting point is 01:01:10 Well, that's it. That's a good point, yeah, because I think my gal could use a little loosening. You know, they say, well, once that baby comes out, that thing's all loosened up, like a fire hose, and I'm like, good, she's tighter than an Asian's buttole. I think it's a myth, though. I think it sucks back myth though. I think it I think sucks back in it goes back to somewhat normal, you know, we've all fucked moms. You fuck mine. I fucked yours It was it was fine. Yeah made the wedding memorable. Yeah
Starting point is 01:01:36 See she was sore when she was dancing We I started her up Stirred her up. Uh-huh. Hello, folks. Steer it up. But yeah, so it was, it does make you grateful when you're like, nah, she doesn't care about that, she doesn't ask about that. Right.
Starting point is 01:01:52 That is huge. She's never like, what are you doing? Why didn't you call me? Where are you going to be? What time will you be home? Yeah. It's nice to not have to live that nightmare. I think that's the British in her.
Starting point is 01:02:03 I think so. It's very stoic. Yeah, very, very, very much so. And we're very self-sustaining. I love that. Stay out all night. I don't give a shit. And vice versa, by the way.
Starting point is 01:02:13 I've never been like, where are you? Right. Who are you with? Who's that I hear? But I think that's a sobriety. He plays a big role in that. Drinking changes things a bit. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:24 You're a wife wife or girlfriend calls, is like, hey, I'm out with some buddies. I went to high school with. And you're like, what? You're like, the whole football team's here. Right, you can hear the vagina juices jiggling. I remember one time I'm a girlfriend I had said, she was like, back home, visiting a bunch of people
Starting point is 01:02:44 from school and we were younger. And she was talking backhaul visiting a bunch of people from school and we were younger and she was talking, she called to say goodnight. Oh God, you heard the bed squeaking. I'm going to bed goodnight and you're like, okay, great, goodnight. And then hangs up and then like a half an hour later, the pocket dial.
Starting point is 01:03:00 Oh boy. And I'm like, hello. And you just hear, you don't hear fucking but you just hear like a party. Yeah, yeah, and I can hear like her voice like yeah, that's crazy and then people talking. Right. And so then I'm just I'm like hello. Hello. Oh, you're the dad now. And I just leave it on speaker for like 45 minutes to be like what is going on here? Oh, yeah, and you can just hear it all, it's just conversation, but you're like, why did you, you wanted me to believe that you were in bed.
Starting point is 01:03:31 Oh. Why say good night if you're not going to bed? Oh yeah. That becomes untrustworthy. Of course. And you hear the guys saying, what's up with that guy's forehead? I know, I know it's big, you know, it's a five head. And you're like, what the hell did you hear
Starting point is 01:03:45 a head bang on the headboard? Like, oh boy. Well, it's also added to that was, and this is the problem with this, is when I started dating this person, they had a boyfriend. No. Like they were like, I got a boyfriend,
Starting point is 01:03:58 I was like, well, what are you gonna do? That's crazy. And they're like, fucking, so you're like, so I know this is your MO. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. And you made a decision to tell me you were going to bed and you didn't go to bed. Whoo, what's this lady doing now?
Starting point is 01:04:11 Ah, somebody. Yeah, I guess so. I think she, yeah, I think she's, you know, that's a bummer. It's a sword, whatever, but I mean, it was one of those things where I was like, it was a real like, what the hell was that? Yeah, real eye opener. And, because you was like it was a real like what the hell was that? Yeah real eye opener and
Starting point is 01:04:26 Because you're like it's not like you're like you're I wasn't like you're fucking everybody I know you're cheating on me, but it was like but why but why did you say bedtime? Why did you say you're going to bed if you weren't going to bed? Yeah, well, I think she's doing a little line Is the word yeah, it's interesting not good, but glad you got rid of her You got a great lady now and it's gonna be the mother of your Dancing drum chat. Yeah, it's exciting. Very exciting. Taffy. So let me just get oh, I'll just do LA real quick. Flu in LA, you land, that was an eight o'clock show, but they go you gotta be here at six. It's a shoot.
Starting point is 01:05:00 I thought you were done with LA. That's why I thought we were fucking around. No, no, no, no, no, no, that was a good I thought you were done with LA. That's why I thought we were fucking around. No, no, no, no, that was a good Splice. Oh, all right. I was trying to make stuff up. That was great I was like, ah this happened 48 years ago. I didn't know we had LA stuff. He never had a girlfriend. No, so Fluent LA, you know, you just jump in the shower and they they went 10 minutes of material So they said can I do old stuff? They said sure do whatever you want. So now I have to memorize old jokes that I haven't told years. I'm looking at Conan's from 2014. And I'm like, oh my God. And I never prepared.
Starting point is 01:05:30 I didn't prepare. And I feel horrible about it. I should have prepared. So I said, I got an hour in the hotel. So I just set it over and over. And I wrote it down, set it over and over. I was like, that should be good. Then you get there and you realize, oh, this is real.
Starting point is 01:05:42 I'm gonna make up chair. They're cutting my pubic hair. I got fucking, Bert Christ, you're here. I got Whitney here. I got Jeff Dunham working on puppets. And I'm like, it's going on Netflix. What am I doing?
Starting point is 01:05:52 Working on puppets. And I gotta tell you, I got out there, and it was a hot crowd at the improv and you know, big video village and all this shit. Where's Mark? We gotta do the pre-interview. Oh my god, I'm right here. I went up and I forgot three jokes. Oh, I feel horrible. I couldn't shake it
Starting point is 01:06:09 I was just like ah so then I just like drank too much after cuz I felt so bad I'm like this is for death. Well, I didn't prepare. I didn't do anything. I was like I got it. I blew it Nah, I'm sure it'll be great. Well, I feel it just a personal thing I feel ashamed and then I stayed out all night and then flew back home and went and did shows. But yeah, just had to get that out. I just prepare a little, you know, the ego. The ego got me.
Starting point is 01:06:36 I was like, I gotta get this. Yeah, of course. It's like, you don't wanna prepare. It's like, I'm a comedian. I do this every night. That's the thing is you just to whatever you're doing regularly. Yeah. When I'm at the, I do this every night. That's the thing is you just to whatever you're doing regularly. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:06:46 When I'm at the seller of the stand, it's not like I'm like, let me really focus. Yeah. You're just kind of like, ah, I know my bits, I'll bring my phone up there, this is good. Totally. So when it comes time to do a big thing like that, you're like, that's not how I do comedy.
Starting point is 01:07:00 I know, I know, but you got to step back and go, hey, this is serious, they're paying a lot of money. This is going on a big platform, and I didn't take it seriously. And boy, life lesson, lesson learned. I'll never do that again, because just the shame, yeah, you know, they handed that check,
Starting point is 01:07:14 and you go, I don't, I didn't earn this. Right. I blew it. Yeah. No shame, it's all I feel all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't do anything. I was looking for shame.
Starting point is 01:07:23 It's horrible. It's horrible, but yeah, sorry, I left on a downer there, down Z. But I'm sure it'll be great. No one will notice. Everyone will be like, this is brilliant. You're the best. So they don't do that now when I work hard. Anyway, so we'll see what happens. Well, where are you going to be? You're going to prepare. I don't know where the hell I'm going to be. I don't even know what month it is anymore. Well, we've got a skankfest is coming up Now skank fest is this weekend That's gonna be insane and sold out. We'll see all over the place
Starting point is 01:07:50 Just yell Georgia St cut it pipe some gay father's gay grammar. See is October 3rd October 3rd next week. We keep forgetting to plug these next week Tuesday get those tickets huge gas Tuesday, get those tickets. Huge gas. We got fucking captain hook. We got Ronald Reagan. Yeah. We got pop a smurf. I mean, it's crazy. Way to see Captain America. Way to see it's all the captains will be there. Morgan Murphy, Captain Murphy. It's gonna be nuts. The crunch is gonna be, it's gonna be, cappin. Excuse me. Yeah. Woo!
Starting point is 01:08:33 Clip that, put that in with the kick. That's coming out in October 2025. Oh, yeah. Oh, that one got me. Come on out, cappin. We're putting a cappin' your ass and where are you gonna be on the road there, Dick? Yeah, Grammar C next Tuesday. That one got me come on out gap and we're putting the gap in your ass and Where are you gonna be on the road there dick?
Starting point is 01:08:54 Yeah, Grammar see next Tuesday this weekend's skankfest. That's gonna be nuts October fifth through the seventh helium comedy club Get those tickets early. I don't want to get these emails. Oh, it's sold out. Can I get a couple? Yeah, which is that's a big We I appreciate it first of all it's touching But a lot of these people like show sold out anyway And I'm like, but I don't even know you I know I know what am I supposed to do? But anyways get those tickets please from the love of Christ get them That'll be fun and then October 21st to the 23rd I I think it is, is Royal Oak, Michigan, well I feel like comedy castle. Yep.
Starting point is 01:09:29 And then November, I have some date, some, oh DC improv in November. I don't know the date. November 13th to the 14th, but coming back to DC, I've been to DC in a really long time. And last time I did the improv, I was opening for Nick DePolo in 1985. So, big rooms, Royal Oak, Michigan, Philadelphia, and DC,
Starting point is 01:09:51 chocolate sit-tay. And make sure you check out the special, enough for everybody, and the podcast Mindful Metal Jacket, which I never plug anywhere because I hate myself, and I just live with the shame that I'm a piece of shit also. So, you're here. Check that out, there's some big guests on them. We got CQ coming up. because I hate myself and I just live with the shame that I'm a piece of shit also. You're here. Check that out.
Starting point is 01:10:07 There's some big guests on there. We got CQ coming up. We got Ari Schaffer is on there. And I always say this, watch the guests that you don't know. That's how you discover people. Learn something. It frustrates me. You cleaves?
Starting point is 01:10:19 So yeah, go check that out. Subscribe, watch it. I don't know. Great point, Fettie. All right. I'm gonna be in a OklClaugh skank vest as well. It's coming to the grammar scene. Oklahoma City needs some help.
Starting point is 01:10:30 Okay, sweet. I'm doing good numbers everywhere. Okay, C's like 10%. Please come out to Oklahoma City. I go play the club all the time and I had a great time. I don't know why these tickets aren't moving. And then what else is cooking? Oklahoma City. and oh shit
Starting point is 01:10:47 Virginia Hershey Theater in PA Hershey PA that one's also struggling so come on out Pennsylvania we love to have I think I'm doing Soul Jols again he's got a hot room and yeah Mark Dome and Comedy dot com for tickets what do you got. Uh, check out my podcast, Fun Barable. Uh, it's we're way ahead of time. So up in October, we're going to do a ton of Halloween episodes like some of our most enjoyed episodes. We go down to best video and Connecticut and shoot in this old VHS store. Oh, fuck. And do a bunch of old horror movies. It's a very fun fun. Barable pod.com. Check it out here here. All right. And, uh, yes, subscribe, whatever, tell a friend.
Starting point is 01:11:26 Yeah, it's all pipe. Thank you both. You know, sounds. On the hands, when magic's right. On the hands, when magic's right. On the hands, when magic's right. you

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