Tuesdays with Stories! - #527 Thaw in Your Crown

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

We're BACK, baby! Mark heads down to Soul Joel's and solves a racial joke issue with a warm Indian friend! Joe produces his wife, Sarah Tollemache's special taping at Grove 34 as their baby is nearly here! And finally - Mark goes to a gay doctor and gives him a peek-aroo! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show & try Blue Chew for free when you pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com & use code TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't see you. Alrighty! Oh, I don't know what a Haver is, but he's on my knee. Haver supply, thanks. Yes. I mean, it's a normal town, California. Lifehavor. Is, did you, did you write a note? I didn't see a note. We appreciate it. Suicide note.

Oh, look at all this. Ransom note. My father's gay. Love this. Thank you. So many nice things. Look at this. Two's gay, one's Z. That's amazing. Someone sent this. this also Haver Georgia tennis yes the thrill of McGill a McGill that's the back I see Shane McGill is yeah boy if you got too many just start giving those divider because not his kids but him oh yeah he can wear him so yeah thank you for the Haver supply from normal town California California. We're here. This is Tuesday's with stories. Chuck died in the car wreck. We got old Jason Katz.

Ooh, what's in twos back there? Don't be a player Haver. But yeah, we got Katz here. He, you know him from directing all 13 of your specials, editing mine, Sam's, the other guy, Steve Bern, kill it. And now he's here slummin' it with Chuck's eardges in your ear. Yeah, he looks very off, but I guess you have no microphone. You can't input, which is perfect.

He should be, but yeah, you got your wearing Chuck's ear pods over there and you just looked horrified. And how do you feel about putting an air pod in someone else's? I'd rather you're dick in my ass. It's a little intimate, all that goo and wax and orange placenta, schmegma, all that is right going right in your body. Well, even the air pod person that stole my air pods,

they took those out right away. This is a common thief. Yes. Who's still like, ew. Like she's like, I'm taking this man's property. It belongs to me now. I don't give a fuck about him, but she's also like, I don't want to hear that.

Yeah, she's not a monster. You know, I'll steal and break the fabric of society, but I'm not gross. Yeah, you don't want the ear thing, but how do you feel about deodorant? What people borrow your deodorant? That never bothered me. That I'm okay with.

I'll do it because it it's a click click. So it's a new batch. I mean, sure, you're still getting some plastic to skin, but it's a click click there. I feel like there's some new jizz coming out. No, but you're using the top. The top is there, but I think the fact that it's a new application helps. I guess, if you're talking the gel, like the gel wipes off.

Yeah. Regular deodorant deodorant. What are you talking powder? No like regular deodorant like you know. What do you get? What's it? I got an old spice right here. Oh yeah. That's the click doesn't you. That's no click. But yeah. Yeah you're right. I guess it's like a toothbrush. Oh no. Two brushes gross because it's the mouth. The mouth is bad. Type two. There you go Would you take this and put it on you? I would yeah cuz our pit to our pit

I don't give a fuck I mean, it's not it's not great. I don't love it, but I would do it. Yeah, I don't love I'm not partying. I'm not like okay Mara pit, but the ear is gross because it collects brown waxy shit Yeah, and it's going inside you I think the ear for the man is our pussy. Because you know, you put that cute tip in and go, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, you know, you start jizzing a little, that's the closer we'll get. Even the butthole is a little dicey.

Butthole's gross. Yeah, I wouldn't go straight from your butthole to my butthole. Wow. With a finger or aes or dick. But you would go mine. You just wouldn't go mine than yours. Yes, I fucked you in. I fucked you in. Yeah, it's been not fuck finger or aes or dick. But you would go mine. You just wouldn't go mine than yours. Yes, I fucked you in the ass, but not fuck my own ass.

I get that. Well, there's also people brush this off, but if you bang a girl in the ass and then go to the top shelf upstairs and put it in the the veg hole, there's a lot of problems there. Oh yeah. You're mixing ponds, you're and chemicals, the pH balances off. If you're what you're trying to say is poo in the pussy's bed,

I'm 100% on board. I mean, that's all kinds of, that's what I'm saying. Chemicals and, um, feces, feces. And, uh, what else do you call it? Particles? Yes, and that's what it is. Particles. Yeah.

That's what a UTI is usually is a little little feast going in the the piece. No. I'll tell you that's a lot of it. No. Fickle matter. No. Fickle is a UTI. Is a year-end attract infection.

You can't get to that. It comes a lot of time. I got to be sick. You're saying I got sick. Is it on my dick? If you get a UTI. That's a small percentage of time. One percent.

One percent, two percent maybe. I don't know. Hey, the one percenters. Maybe it's urine or something because I fucked my wife in the in the toot. It's hard as I can every morning. Yeah. And every once in a while she'll get a UTI. But it's not like I was wiping my ass with my cock. Well, I think for a lady it's different. I think of a guy gets a UTI which is what happens sure a lot of time It's a little bit of the old poo poo house poo poo getting in the in the track poo poo is all over It's a poo poo platter the subway pole your keyboard your pants your underwear your fingers your lips your eyes

Your nose chuck's earbuds the very pants. I was returning. I wish we had a camera on cats. He's, he's shfitzing over there. He's like sobbing, he's squinting. Welcome to the gulag. It's 900 degrees in here. It's bickroom pod. We don't know why we do it. It's a concentration cap.

There's one blower and it's not hooked up. Now cats is horrified by the poster. It's adorable. You came in, you're like, we gotta fix the poster. We don't have to do that. What are you crazy? That's like goingified by the poster. It's adorable, you came in, you're like, we gotta fix the poster. We don't have to do that. What are you crazy? That's like going to the Palestine and saying, hey, we gotta get rid of these Jews.

It's gonna be a long time. There's nude photos everywhere, there's boxes of stuff. It's just a pile of trash. My suit is here from some sketch we did. Oh yeah. Yeah, lawsuit. Which I should bring that home. I should do it tonight.

You don't wanna do it, I'm gonna bring that now because I wanna go Chipotle. Ah, loves to get Chipotle. Yes, I'd love to go Chipotle. Yes, all right. By the way, you saved the day of the day. I was the only one in my gratitude list. Tell the folks at home what the captain did. Well, I mean, first of all, we were sitting in line.

We're sitting in line. It's a great film. I love that movie. That's underrated. I just rewatched it. Hell of a pick. The... Cap true story.

Ah, yes. But there's also a Swedish version of a similar kind of not of Captain Philps, but of a pirate takeover. That's also fantastic. Ah, Swedish fish. I don't know if it's Swedish. It's something. Okay. But anyway, we're at the Chipotle post show, and then, you know, we're sitting in line just

trashing our closest friends. Just that guy sucks. He's a piece of shit He blows you made this is a bad director Decent play so we're sitting there and then I'm very good at clocking people whether you be a Robert a criminal a thief it comes from my Sears days Whatever it is profile baby, Which I always say people like, Oh, you're gay, you're a pussy, you suck a comedy, but I'm saying I'm street wise.

Ah, street smart. Street smarts. And so I'm like, you know, that guy's a piece of shit, his ex ex ex, he's a hack. Yeah. And then this guy comes in and I go, Oh, we gotta be quiet. This guy's a fan, I can tell.

Hey, we should call you Rolex because guy's a fan, I can tell. Maybe we should call you Rolex because you can clock and you can watch. I just went, oh, oh, let's keep it quiet. So then we switched gears and oh, that was violent. Wow, I got right on the corner on the bone, the cranium. That was the bottom crispy pie. I got the bird, tweed, tweed, tweed, tweed, couple of stars cooking there. Yeah, that wasn't good. You should too bad you didn't have your haver supply

Oh, I need a hard hat it only I have no idea who these people are or what they supply Supply and demand was not high well But so anyways, we got quiet then we get our food our burritos and we by the way We still probably went back into talking like whatever. You're a loud guy. I gotta work on that. Yeah, you gotta like a, oh, oh, oh, you're not as bad as others,

but you're not a whispery guy. Yeah, I hate the whisper, but I hate a loud talk too, so I try to be in the middle, but I do have a projection. Very projecting. So anyways, we go, we sit down, and the guy that was right behind us walks up and says, Hey, huge fan of both of you. I listen to the pod, my father's gay, the audition for our film. Yeah, crazy.

Crazy. And I know the heart to tell him, we never even looked at it. But I knew it. And then he sat next to us, which was very sweet, very nice guy, very handsome boy. All the tables were full. There was just that row in the middle of a like a tall top. So whatever you two tops, where you got to just sit on either side. It's a long row.

And he sat directly. Cady corner like if you were a bishop on a chessboard, right diagonal. And it was just us and we were getting into it. We really chop it up. We were right in the eye of the storm of the ship talking. And this guy is just absorbent like a sponge. We're getting into, we really chop it up, we were right in the eye of the storm of the ship talking. And this guy is just absorbing like a sponge.

He could have put the headphones in, but he didn't. Free pocket, I mean, sitting much closer to me than you are now. Yes, yes, but we just had to go real like, my favorite coat is blue. Yeah, you don't say. That was like orange. One point we were trashed, one guy, and I've changed the name to another guy,

which I don't know if that helps Yeah, but that guy's less known than the other guy true true Okay, and then we just started combining the two names. Yes, then we were like oh, yeah, I was hanging out with old Theo, you know cats That was something but anyways, it was it was fun But I appreciate you sticking around. Because if you had left, it would have just been us one on one. We would have had to play chess or something.

You would have had to interact. It was too awkward not to. It's like an orgy. You got to make a move at some point. You can't just stare. They can mad at that. But nice guy. Good to see you.

Thanks for listening. And good to see you. Yeah, yeah. We're out in the wild, Jerry. I mean, we're amongst the walkers. But you gotta be careful now because everyone knows you can't just be chatty. It's like Tom Cruise.

He can't be like, Meryl Streep, can suck my dick. She's an asshole, anti-Semite piece of shit because the cab driver's like, hmm, really? Yes, yes, interesting. Yeah, that's why I say anonymity is a gift. People want to be famous. I have fame, this is a good level. I always say I like this levelies a gift people want to be famous. I have fame skip this is a good level I always say I like this level you don't want to be the guy at the airport getting swarmed or are chewing out a

United gate agent because you had made him check a bag and tweeting about it. You know what? I mean that guy no, you don't no, you don't all right ideally you don't have any success at all, you know? Yeah, that's a big failure. It'll happen. We'll get there. The way down is going to be swift and mighty. Yeah, best case scenario, each special does worse than the last. That's what you need. But there you go. That's the key to happiness.

But any parts, how you doing? Good to see you. Long time no semen. Yes, a hoi, matey. We're on the poop deck. Let me just say this Two things to run by you all right went to Soul Jules comedy cabana. I don't know what he's calling it. Soul Jules

Yuck it up town whatever whatever he's got over there. It's a comedy club. It's in a it's in a country club or a resort You've seen that yeah, yeah, did that. We did a live Tuesdays there. Yeah, there's like the green room, but we did the room outside. It's that room. That room. Yes, it's in potstown or rogers for whatever you want to call it, but we drove up me in Doug Smith. Love Doug Smith. Great guy. Way back. We used to be drinking buddies. Boy, and he booze. That guy could really tilt a few. Oh, you got that straight. So I go meet him out and be keg, because that's the move. You know, he goes, hey, we got to leave. But if you come here, we'll, we'll, we'll jet. I go pick you up. It's all over.

Right. So I go, all right, I go way out to Prospect Park, which is beautiful out there. Yeah. I mean, it's brownstone lined up, the park and the background tree lined. It's, it's clean. It's families. It's lovely. Yeah

It's an hour and a half from Manhattan the subway. You got you to go You're playing the knockout game. You got dumb hipsters with painted on jeans Fadorah hats It was I agree with the with most of it, but the hips it's past the hipsters Oh, this is like adults with children and jobs. Oh, okay So there it's a little different and they just want a good neighborhood. They want to save, they want it clean. And he's got an eight year old, which is insane and a wife.

And he's sober now, he's off the weed, he's going to the meetings, the whole thing. His wife is like nine years old that I'm too. Wow. She's like 75. Wow, well good for her to have a kid at 67. 66. Six, I can't do math.

No, I've just calculated. You might have been right though. Ah! All right, so we get, we get all out there, we pick up and we have that, I have a theory. I can't wait. I hate small talk as you do. Sure.

I called out, how about those Hamas, you know, whatever. With comics, it should be like AA. If I'm meeting you for the first time, go, I'm Joe and I'm alcoholic. Right. I want to hear your worst thing. I suck dick for crack. Now we're often running. Yeah, let's go deep.

Quizz. Right out of the game. I love that. Yeah. I don't want to hear about you or whatever. You're kids, you're cats, who gives a shit. So, cats. So we start driving, we bond, we get in there, and he goes up, first of all,

Soul Joel's show, sold out, killer, he does it right, he won't let anybody near, he gives you food right away, the snacks in the room, there's a fridge with water and soda. There's a bathroom in there. Great guy. Great guy, Joel. And just working out material. I got Raj opening.

Now, how about this? Raj is an Indian persuasion. Oh. Raj Balani, funny guy. Good comic. He's opening up the show. And I go, hey, Raj, you're a big fat dirty Indian. Let me run this by you there, a dot, not feather.

And I go, I got an Indian joke. Does that, is that offensive? Does that, too, is that over the line? You're told in the joke. He knows the joke, yeah. And he goes, I don't care, because I'm a comic, which I love to hear. Don't you love that? Of course. That's what comics should say. Well, any comic that's

like, no, I don't like that. Come on. Yeah, you're off the team. Yeah, get the hell out here. Yeah. You've been struck from the record. So, uh, oh, cats is leaving. He's out. What do you see a bug? Oh, he got up, looked at the wall and sat back down. Okay, so I go, is this offensive? He goes, I don't care, but it's gonna piss off some Indians. Sure. Much like smallpox. And I go, whoa, what do you think? It goes, it's just kind of easy.

It's like an easy racist line. It's like calling Jews cheap. Which like, we all know the stereotype, but it's been done at that, it's old, it's a little... Worn out. Sure. Hack.

I don't know what you want to call it. Uh-huh. So we go, what about this, this, and this? And he goes, now, that's a little more updated and a little less racist. So we change it and it worked. All right. Because that's the thing, I don't want to offend the Indians.

Sure. But it was getting a laugh, but maybe it was getting a laugh's the thing, I don't want to offend the Indians. Sure. But it was getting a laugh, but maybe it was getting a laugh for the wrong reason. You're nice to the freaks. Yes, yes. That's a Sci-Fi reference. I'm not calling Indians freaks, of course. Sure, sure.

It's just a television program. But yeah, so that was a nice moment because you can learn from other groups. A laugh and learn. Council culture. Yes. Council culture. Uh. Council culture. Uh-huh.

Roger, he's a funny guy, right? Yeah, good guy, good comic. So that was helpful. And then two shows, killer. We drive back that night. Oh, wait. Okay, now here's what I wanted to run by. Please stick it in my ass.

The life insurance. Uh-huh. It's a... Crawd my thorn. What is it? Thaw in my ass. The life insurance. It's a, Crawd my thorn. What is it? Thorn your crown. Crawd my ass. What's the term? Cock in your third or third or fourth in your paw. There's Craw. Someone with a Craw.

Thorn in your Craw. No, that ain't it. There's Thorn and Paw. Crawd my thorn. That's what I said. A Craw daddy. Now, Bella Crawd. Crawd dead, Crawfish. It's a, it sticks in my Craw. That's what I said. A craw daddy. Now Bella Craw. Craw dad, craw fish. It's a, it sticks in my craw. Ah, it's stuck in your craw.

That's annoyed by something. It's really stuck in my craw. Yeah, but what is that craw? I don't know what a craw. Look up craw. Well yeah. A craw fish. Yeah.

There's an army craw. Yeah, craw is a lot bigger than craw. Yeah, crawl. It's one of those things. It's another one of those. It's like it's actually this. It's like nippin' in the butt. Yeah, it's a bud. It's bud. Bundi. There's another one like that. The thing is actually that thing. Budweiser. Yeah, yeah, there's a few of those. It's chant Mandela or whatever. It changes over time. Yeah, something like that.

Yeah. Just says to disturb the peace of mind of someone, especially repeated disagreeable acts. But we don't know what craw is. We got a craw definition, CR-AW. Yes. It says something that sticks in your craw, you're very annoyed by it, and I accept it because you think it's wrong or unfair.

What if you Google image a craw? Wow, we don't want to get shot in a crawl. Now we're looking at photos, but. Cros. Point is, a thorn bias is this life insurance. They turn me down because of weed, they turn me down because of mushrooms. I posted a clip, I go, I got a DUI in high school

and the insurance lady hit me up. That says a crow. It says crow. That auto corrected. That's a crow image. So a crow looks exactly like a crow. I don't. That's Craw Images. So a Craw looks exactly like a crow. I don't buy it. And then there's a Craw fish.

Alright, I don't know. I was a bit brandedly, shot himself over the Craw. I don't think so. Alright, so deep cut. Life insurance. I posted a clip. I got a DUI in college. And my life insurance, he's like,

what do you do? And I'm like, what do you do? And that's gonna add I'm like, what are these guys? Hawks, they're all over all my shit. They watch the rogan, the predictor parks They saw us popping mushrooms like plan Bs And they're all over me. Oh god, they're cross.

I don't know, I've never tried to go to the life insurance But you see, you can't lie or you do lie Or you're getting trouble if you lie Lie. It's a fraud I guess. Lie all day, because they'll never know Unless you do it and protect their parks. Right.

But you're sober. You're not popping pills on camera. Well, I got a high BP and cholesterol. Shhh. I said that on here. That shows, small, we're not going anywhere. That's true.

But, yeah, but I'm exercising, and I smoke cigars too. Yeah, yeah. So that's bad. Yeah, but you'll fly through that test with flying monkeys. Maybe, I hope not. I hope there's not flying monkeys as well, maybe. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I guess I gotta go and you get there that way if you die, your wife gets money or something like that? Something like that, yeah. I think, but it's short money. It's like 12 bucks a month or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's short money. It's like 12 bucks a month or so. Yeah, yeah, it's it's No, no, no. So I go I go, all right. What do I need to do? And they go get another physical? So I go Jesus Christ. So I go to get a physical. It's a whole thing. And I go, I'm in there doing the

I'm doing the the swab, the whatever, and they go, what is that thing with the temperature? On the finger, yeah, that's how they do it now. Right. It used to be in the mouth. Now it's all clamp or the S. Don't confuse the two. No, and don't do one after the other.

But I go, while I'm in here, give me an SDD test. Okay. What do I got to lose except fighting on I have eight? That a marriage. True. So I go give me an STD test. I'm very confident. I've been a good cleaf.

I just want to it's good to know. And if I'm positive, I want to know. And if I'm negative, I'll feel great. Sure. So you pee in the cup. That's how they do it. And then you scroll, you screw it up. You give it to the cup. That's how they do it. Uh-huh, and then yeah, you scroll you screw it up You give it to the lady it's dripping and She goes all right. We'll send the results in two days and you go great

I do a hopskip with a jump out of there. I get a lollipop I'll tell you it's like Chris Rocks Joe. You start reflecting of course But when's the last time you had an STD test? I mean was it that long ago? Probably a two years a year. Okay. Well, you've been married that whole year I've been married the whole year, but you know, I'm going to sex clubs. I'm touching my dick on toilet bowls I fucked you in the ass, you know, there's things sure so I go I did go to a sex club do my dick pl plop out and hit the table we were fucking on. Yeah.

You know, and there was a guy jerk next to me, could I have gotten some waff of Hepsie? I don't think so. But you start catastrophizing. Okay. I always say, I wish the brain was as creative normally as it is when I'm scared. Right. Yeah, it's hard to harness that. Yes, fear is a very motivational feeling. Fear is your only God. Mmm, whatever.

Yes, Taylor Swift. Fuck everything in run. That's fear. Ooh. Or face everything in recover. Remember no fear? Oh yeah, that was big. Yeah, that sucked. That was you. I didn't get it. I didn't get, even as a 10 fear? Oh yeah, that was big.

Yeah, that sucked. That was huge. I didn't get it. Even as a 10 year old, I was like, nah, that's not for me. No fear. I didn't even like the typography or whatever, the font.

It was bad. It was like when ESPN 2 first came out and had like the swoopy 2 and you're like, oh, hey, this will be 2. No, I fucked a couple of swoopy 2s. He dropped off of you as well. The toilet. Oh man, I've been taking some huge, I gotta show you. Please, swoop, do it really.

Real logs, Kathy, like photos of dumps? I'll text you a few. All right, he's just giggling, didn't even answer. Uh, yeah, yeah, swoopy twos is no, no, no, uh, swoopy twos today. What stories? Even, uh, even when people had the boob inspector, I didn't love it. Oh, yeah federal boob inspector

I like the attempt. I like that. It's a reference, but I'm never even being a nine-year-old going like ah, that's easy No, it sucked. Yeah, all right. So fear fear monger fear fear breeds creativity I mean your brain is going off in these crazy places, but I got the test back full neck Nega I mean your brain is going off in these crazy places, but I got the test back full neg Nega what's that like? Negar knocking whatever it was it was great and then but here's the clinker click it So I'm in there and the guy goes you want to get an AIDS test and I go I don't need an AIDS test I'm good, you know, I don't fuck with needles. I'm straight. I'm gay. I'm good and he goes well Maybe I should check your junk check the junk

Come on this is weird, right? It's a little straight. Well, I guess the cancer ball cancer. Yeah, cuz I got all kinds of lumps and Swoops and swashes down there. Well, that's what I'm getting at all right. I don't want to get the bag of worms as you know Yes, same. This is a barrel of monkeys, but I don't want to get the bag of worms as you know. Yes, same. This is a barrel of monkeys, but I don't want to, uh, there's another wrinkle to this. There's plenty of wrinkles down there. Oh, Betty White down, down. So, so, uh, the doctor doing the inspecting, uh-huh, the jiggling, the juggling. Very gay.

Really? I'm talking flamboyant, uh, fire island, you know, studio 54 gay. Wow. Now why'd you get the gay doctor? I got you get who you get? You get who you get?

You can read some reviews. What is it, a brothel? I'll take that one. No, you go with it. You're sitting in a room and a guy comes in. Well, you look up. You go to the website and you read some reviews. What is it, a brothel? I'll take that one. No, you go with it. You're sitting in a room and a guy comes in. Well, you look up, you go to the website and you read the reviews and the face, you look at the face, I go woman.

I'm all female. Really? I prefer female. Oh, interesting. I want a woman, the soft touch of a woman. I like this. You know, there's just a, there's none of that like. What do you got here?

Right. Right, right, right. Looks like shit. Yeah, you gotta get, you gotta cut some weight there. I want a lady with nice nails who's like, yeah, well, you can stand to lose a little weight. And then I want to feel like I could have sex with her if I had to. Sure, sure.

And a pinch, you know. Yeah, it's a good point. And plus, well, this guy was almost a lady. I mean, it was right there, right at the, in the red. But, um, pink, at the in the red, but Pink and One of the big but it was it was a little it added a layer It's already a little jarring to drop and trout by the way the nurses behind me. I'm put my back to her

We have to have someone else in the room now. Is that right? Yeah, you can't be one-on-one get taken Okay, cuz then it's your word against his word. Oh someone else in the room now. Is that right? Yeah, you can't be one on one. Get it taken. OK. Is that it's your word to get his word? Oh, I heard that. I'm a tamer rolling. But she's the Asian gals behind me on the ones and twos. Holy. Yeah, she took all the, you know, vitals or vitors.

And so I got this guy and he's knee, a cavernic on the floor, face to junk, junk to face. And here's the rub is my dick looks like shit. Like, I don't know what, it already looks like ass. You didn't groom it before. You weren't expecting to be judged by a lady boy. Yeah, I got a, I got an eight corn and a bush. My balls are down to my knees. There's wrinkles, there's googly eyes,

and wacky worms, gummy stuff all over it. There's a hair going that way, a hair going, it's all pipes, it's horrific down there. So you wanted to impress. We're hoping to. You wanna come to the show with a little prep. Well, you don't want bad word of mouth out there Oh, it's a public fig

I got a fig tree down here and it was bad. It was bad So I'm like how could you diagnose this? It's already it's like going to a condemned house and being like Yeah, you're fine. I believe me. I know my dick is of all, I have the contusion from masturbation, famously. And it's also twisty, because I just jerked so hard with the right hand. I'm all twist, it's off-kilter. It's a cleaning tower. My whole dick is like facing this way. Yeah, do East.

It looks like when Jets peel off from each other with a like, shh. Oh, yeah. It's kind of like half cocked. Right, right. I'm dented. Black ops down there. You got a bottom gun. half cocked. Right, right. I'm tempted. Black ops down there. You got a bottom gun.

Black cocked down. Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm a little twisted myself. I'm twisted T. My dick's been, yours is veering. Mine is, like if this is your dick, it's that.

Yes. You have that? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, okay, okay. Right, right, so I'm going left. Oh, okay. Do you jerk off left handed? I do. My dick is liberal. It leans left. And it's, you know, purple and twisty and wacky and scarred up. That's scarred up. A wrinkles. Just wear and tear. Of course. It's a 40 year old dick. Yeah. It's catchers, man. It's been through the ringer a lot of ladies a lot of men A lot of kids the whole thing that's an old dick pets. Yeah, it's an it's a vintage dog and

this guy's saluting it. I mean he's like It's like if my dick's a people he's he's got a jojo for his witness on the other end He's really looking and it was a rough scene. But he was like, all right, you're good. Okay, good. That was just... He felt the bag, you know what?

He felt the bag. Because I always think about that. Remember Tom Green got cancer and he did a whole thing about feeling the balls and I feel my balls, but I don't know what I'm feeling for, but I think there's a lump, a bumpy lump. Yeah, yeah, I guess so, but it's all lumps. That's what I feel. It's pretty lumpy. Yeah, it's a it'll be like a lump a bumpy lump. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so but it's all lumps That's what I feel I'm like it's pretty lumpy. Yeah, it's a sack of lumps. It's yeah, so I don't know yeah

I gotta go I gotta I gotta go get a colonoscopy all that stuff. I'm gonna do it all you gotta get the camera up your ass Well, Ron on just did it didn't seem so bad. Well, he likes it up the ass though That's he likes to up the ass though. That's true. He likes to get pegged literally. That's true. Well, he was like, I was like, three watery shits. He was a little loopy the next day, but fine. loopy. He was sashing down six Avenue. He was probably skipping my Lou. Yeah, he was like Jeff Bridges, the dude after he got tested. Great film. A Lemouski. Lemouski.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just a wacky, wacky Thursday. What are what day is it? Face Thursday. Yeah, it's a wacky Thursday. Yeah, that was a real today. Oh, wow.

This is junk. Well, this clusterfuck right now was viewed front center cenniscope by old gate Charlie. Oh, jeez nice. Well, I give me his number because I have a doctor already, but I wouldn't mind chatting them up just for fun. Sweet guy nice guy. Okay. I have a Huh? No, no, I didn't know he was gonna look at I figured I'm going in for a couple of vitals with the You got a shower before the doctor. That's insane. No, it's like eating before know he was gonna look at it. I figured I'm going in for a couple of vitals, but the, You got a shower before the doctor, that's insane. No, it's like eating before surgery, you don't do it. Did I tell you about my dermatologist?

If you need a dermatologist, I got one. She's kind and sweet, and literally the most attractive woman I've ever seen in my life. Oh, well yeah, give me that number. Yeah, I go there and that's the same thing. I had my wife, because I talked about how beautiful she is. And Sarah's like, I'll go to your appointment with you. Yeah.

She's a little suspicious. She was like, let me come by. I'll see what's going on there. She's like, I want to be supportive of him. Yeah. Interesting. You didn't, I got a fat cow, you know, Sheropinus. She didn't come to that appointment. Yeah, good point. But, that's nice. She jealous. It's a hell of a dermatologist. She cares about you. She doesn't want to be threatened. Yeah, baby. But yeah, it's fun. But a dermatologist who's hot, it sounds fun.

Same deal. It sounds fun because you're like, all right, I got a beautiful woman I'm talking to. Sure. But then they do the inspection. They have to look at your asshole and your dick. And it's just, I got to rash all over it. Yeah.

It's not good. I had to get creams. Ah, you got cream. Cream nation. Cream corn. Cancer just looks appalled by all this. Have you never heard the show before? This is the show. I think he hates it.

He hates us. Yeah. I can tell by the way you're staring down. It's stuck in your crawl. So anyways. So yeah, that's my giz. But I have a mole on my head on the head of your dick Not a mole like a freckle a birthmark whatever you want to go it. Yeah, I know

It's a little off putting if I was in a lineup. I'd be ruined a birthmark Norman. Yeah, so he was like whoa Whoa, and I was like that's been there since birth and he was like, okay, so that was a weird moment. Wow, God Hey folks Tuesday's stories to you by Blue Choo. You know, I love the BC when you're you've worked hard to charm your way into someone's pants. You want things to stay hard. So up your confidence and your dick with blue choots, a unique online service that delivers ED medicine right to your door with the same active ingredients as Viagraceous and Levitra. But at a fraction of the cost,

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Thank you, spider. It's terrifying. Now we have to go do the stuff. We're old, we know what I mean. I'm like we gotta get it all taken care of. I know, because we're on the down slope. You're goddamn right, we're dying. What is that, they heard the 20s, 30s.

And your 30s, your body starts to break down and your 40s it starts to die. Ah. The might be 40s, 30s. And your 30s, your body starts to break down, your 40s, it starts to die. Ah! The might be 40s, 50s. Maybe 40s, it breaks down, 50s, it starts to die. Let's go with that, let's go with that. Yeah, but it's like, we're not improving. No, this is it.

It's just, shh. It's like that Louis bit, you know, hey, you gotta stretch every day. Or how long? No, you just do that now. That's something you do now, yeah. Yeah, we're like halfway through life if we're lucky. Best case scenario we're halfway through.

Yeah, Biden's 80. Yeah. And he doesn't look so great. Although McJagger's 80. Is he 80? I'm gonna go 80. He's close. I think he's 80 this year.

I think he's born in 43. That counts. God damn. My dad's 40, born in 47. Yeah, he must be 80, McJagger. He's born in born in 43. That counts. God damn. My dad's 40, born 47. Yeah, he must be 80, Mick Jager. He's born in July of 43, I believe. Still touring, by the way. Yeah, and I, I mean, I saw him.

There, he's dancing around and moving around, moving and shaking. So I believe he just fucked a lady and got her pregnant. Well, you got Tinerro and Pacino pumping out kids. You gotta respect that, I guess. I don't know. I don't have to. I don't respect his fall I think it's like fucking piece of shit move

Well, the women wanted I don't know I guess but you're just giving a son with no father But I'm sure she'll meet some other guy. I guess he's like a he's like a sperm donor. There you go Basically, and you can do worse sperm than old Jaggy Jag off this sperm right here. Mm-hmm talking to me Well, you got about six minutes before you got a little whipper snap while coming out of here. By the time the crowd hears this, my baby will be old. It'll be a week old. Wait, I thought it was the 30th.

No, it's shifted up. Oh no. This thing is ready to go. Yeah, he's boiled. He's already to rock and roll. Cakes coming out of the oven. It's great. My wife is walking around with a fully formed human being inside her. She shot a special last night with a dude entering.

Wow. You know there's a dick inside your wife. I believe me. That's all I think about. Same. I'm sketching it home. It's crazy. Paint me. And yeah, that's my thing. I'm excited. This is all I've ever wanted. It was a cock inside my wife. What is the, uh,

well, you know, we got cats here. What is the impulse for women to film a special pregnant? There's nine of them now. Well, this one is just, because you know what, your life is about to be what are you gonna do comedy again? That might not, it's not like,

she's gonna be running sets. Sure. She's doing as much comedy as she can. Now it's like, oh, let me get this out. I love when there's a clear answer to a wonky question. Right. It's like that scene in the department. He goes, he goes, why is the last patient of the day

always the most difficult? Because you're tired, you don't give a shit. It's not supernatural. I love that. Yeah, well, that's the thing is like, you gotta, what is she gonna do? Is run her hour and then be like, all right, I'm having the baby and then six weeks later I'm shooting my comedy special.

I get it. I get it. So yeah, we shot it last night and boy, this is a banger. Get excited. This is better than some cat's bullshit. This is a real special. Hot tamale, you missed the boat on that one there, cats and dogs. We really should have put the camera on cats

because he's making some great faces over there. Yeah, I disagree. But yeah, good point. But, I mean, the camera on cats because he's making some great faces over there. Yeah, I disagree. But yeah, good point. But the Patreon cat, the cat cam. Cats cam. That's something. Catastrophe. But any farts, boy, we had a hell of a night last night.

Wait, do you see this special butthole money? This is big. Butthole money, what a title. Good title, right? Great title, butthole surfers. Well, money. What a title. Good title, right? Great title. But all surfers. Well, so we did the show at Grove 34, which was exciting. And I really got in there and produced this set of an onion. You get a credit?

You're goddamn right. I'm getting a credit. Well, I got, we got our old pal Patrick Holbert. No effect. This is awkward because Katz is here. This guy's the director of the premier specials all over the country. He looks live in. I'm sorry. But you know, you gotta go, you're a high end director. You're renecning Netflix specials.

You're not, this guy's not cheap. No, they gotta, they're ever to baby. They gotta save a couple of shuckles. I've spent about $75,000, and that's just a my phone bill from chatting with you before the special. This guy can text. I think a minute's aren't a thing anymore. We'd be breaking the bank chat with this cat.

Oh, cat, cat's the best. He's the greatest. I'll never make a special without Jason Cat. I'll say that. I will produce many specials with you on the bench, but my specials all cats. There you go. No dogs.

You got that right. But anyway, so we put this together. I pal Patrick Holbert directed and I did a little producing action, which was great. We did Grove 34. I hit up those guys, Rob and Derek. Big shout out. The Rob and Derek over at Grove 34.

Hell yeah. These guys are the tops. They're running a killer independent club. I'm doing it once a month. You can see all the behind the scenes on YouTube. You got that right. Go check that out. And so we set it up.

They gave us the day, Wednesday, the 11th, and which was last night, the time you're hearing this. And man, we turned it out, packed it out, sold out. We had all kinds of buddies come. Ron was there, Katie Hanigan, Jacob William, Shavon was hanging out, Holbert and just a fucking great time packed it. Sarah had like a adorable dress on. She had a little makeup lady. She was looking like the money, like the bomb and just ripped it up. And it was one of those great shows. The crowd was hot. I

did a little warm up, Tracy Kanarzo opened, and it's fun doing warm up to give the rules and the stuff and the, hey, let's hear a chair and a gay and a thing. And that was really fun. And Adrian Appaluchi came and, huh, she doesn't show up to anything. Appaluchi. And there was just a beautiful night great show. And then she's so happy to have it done in the can. Yes, Bob. We just did one show, a couple pickups. Yes. Didn't really even need them and hot crowds. So thanks to everyone that came out, there was a bunch of twos, guys.

There was some lady gays, which I always say is worth. It's worth 10 male gays. Oh, yeah. I love the male gays. Yeah, it's I find a verdict. I find it offensive. But yeah, they were awesome and it was just so fun because it's right down the street in the house Yeah, so I'm hanging out. It's like 4 p. They're setting up and I go I'll just come on down. I'll walk over So you stroll over there and I was running to get caught. I was a PA on my own production

Oh The best and you can't beat that proximity No, it was the best so you could we just watch out went to the diner after had a classic diner hang after and then We're back and fucked which was fun The TV makeup that's always something yeah leave that on that was nice and it was just Fucking great night so get excited for the special that'll be on here YouTube probably in 2026 We're having a baby our whole lives are gonna end my whole money. I I hate to ask. You gotta turn around date a ballpark? I'm not sure.

Usually mine, I sit on them so I can recoup the material. But she's on break. So maternity leave. We could probably just flip it around. I don't know, Holbert's got 17 projects going. Look at the Tom Dustin doc, get excited for that. That's getting ready. It's bubbling. Hell yeah.

And I got to plug that on Rogan, so I'm sure the 11 people that were still listening at the end of the show were getting excited for that. Wow. Good for Sarah. She's got a special and a special needs coming out. Yeah. Going to be exciting. So yeah, the baby's a few days old and we're having a great time.

I hope, I think. I love it. What a night. And see, you. I love it. What a night. And see, you got to love it when it works out. Because if that would have gone horribly, could you imagine just the devastation of like, okay, now we gotta go home, it's awkward, we're not gonna fuck. And we didn't get any tape. Right, but we knew it was gonna be great because that room is so good.

Great room. Here's the thing about a special, you don't need a big room, you just need a full room. Yes. So there's 50 people in there and she's just killing, the laughs sound amazing. And the laughs, she was killing so hard, it's gonna be one of those ones like fake laughs, which they love to say, but.

Oh, I love that shit. It was rocking, but a full room is a full room. Oh, that's great. And that room, the walls bang it all around. Those laughs really carry. Yeah, I might film there. It's a fun road because you just feel so relaxed and no stakes.

I was thinking about doing the next one at the Village Underground. What do you think of that? Hmm, it's a good room. Oh, wait, how about this? Somebody, I went into this on stage. Somebody messaged our comment and they wrote, again, the bricks to two distract.

You gotta do something with the bricks. They're distracting. Ah, bricks. They're distracting. Have you seen comedy ever stand up comedy, the art form. I'm like, my specials have 13 million views. You're the one single person that's been like, the bricks are a little distracting.

Just give that a good old thumbs down. Don't even engage with a comment, just, you're done. Every improv, that's the background. It's the classic background. I can't watch basketball, the hardwood. It's a little distracting. It's yellow, back ride. I can't watch basketball, the hard one. It's a little distracting. It's yellow, it's shiny. The bricks are too much, but yeah, bricked it.

Parked. Brick house. Yes, brick town. Brick Bronsons. This weekend. But good for her and Hell yeah, I can't wait to see it. That's exciting. It's fun to see a pregnant lady talk.

Speaking of pregnant ladies, I saw Chris Christie in the airport, the other day. Yeah, that way and I walked in the airport and this big lard and shit was walking by and I said, hey, look at that, it's Chris Christie. And wrote, stunned. And Matt thought I was doing the like, oh yeah.

Chris Christie, but it was actually him walking through. He thought he was gonna see Big J. Yeah. Yeah, no, no, it's actually, I saw him at the new, it was at Newark. No, this is LaGuardia. Oh, I saw him at Newark once in the handshakes. He was glad, Hanon.

Oh, really? Yeah, he's stuck. Because you gotta get to your flight. I know, he was stuck and clear, and you can tell he was like, hey, nice to be out. Hey, hey, hey, hey, he's like trying to get through with the eyeballs, and they're like, sir, you got to, he's like, I know, I'm just trying to,

it was really awkward. Well, reminds me of the time, I think I told the story when it happened years ago. When I was in Iowa, I got stuck from a snowstorm and it was nine of the Iowa debates. And what was the guy's name, Martin? I can't remember. Now, it was Hillary and Bernie and there was a third guy.

Amina. He was like a Baltimore mayor. Can we look that up? I think his name was Martin, something. Martin, the future of the party. Future of the party. And I never heard of him again. He was the third candidate, but I saw him

the night after the debates at the airport, just by himself reading the newspaper, and I was like, that's not a good sign. Ooh, yeah. Martin O'Malley. Martin O'Malley, yeah. I walked up and I said, hey, Mr. O'Malley, oh, hey, and he filled it up the paper and said,

oh, how do you do? And I said it to him, just, I didn he filled it up the paper and said, I, how do you do? He's reading the words. And I said it to him, just I didn't feel it, but I just to give him some love as a comedian. I said, I think you're the future of the party. Oh, what a guy. And he said, well, I appreciate that. I said, he did a fantastic job. I didn't watch the debate.

I said, you did a fantastic job. And I think you're the future. That's a good, eh? Because the guy, I mean, he's getting 0.00, negative 1% of the vote at the time. I thought he was a baseball player. No, Mario Malley. Yeah, I don't know.

I think he's dead or something. I don't know what the hell happened to him. I think it was a little gunshot the mouth that night, probably. But, well, they say losing election is one of the most painful things you can deal with. Real, how Gore has the beard. They go in the, remember Hillary was in the woods, Haney? Yes, she got a beard as well so yeah I think it's it's really devastating

because you put all millions of dollars all your time all your effort to fly on the country and then the entire nation is like no yeah we don't like that yes well that's why there's so much I was a election from it was rigged you have to do that just to live with yourself I think sometimes people like look at Trump. He's like it was fake fake news the balance ball I think he can't handle it. So he's got to make up shit sure certainly what we went a couple hundred years without doing that Before you were like ah you beat me take care. Yeah, but I bet people were sour Well, they were sour, but they didn't come out and say That's all fake, but now everyone does it. That's like the move now. I know because the lefties did it

I don't know 2016 and he did it in 2020 and we'll see what happens. Yeah, we'll see But anyway, so Mario Malley, why did I bring that up? Oh, I saw Chris Christie the airport That was fun. That was just a couple. How about this? I got my car in a garage over here in the story of Queens. Donald Duck. He was proud of that one. Ooh, that was bad. That was bad.

That did not land. And he could tell he got a high-hired eight riders. He got four Jews in a room, and that's what that came up with. And he bombed. I'm sure he felt the trickle of sweat in addition to all the trickles that were already sweating because he's a fat guy.

He's got the meat sweats. Poor guy. I like him. He's a likable guy. He's fat, fat people are fun. Yeah, that's true. Uh, what cats are sticking up here? Oh, we love you, catsie.

From the record, cats not a fat guy at all. No, I'd say husky. Ah, good dog. Anyways, so I go to the parking garage. Down the parking garage, you've been there. It's in a, it's in a, it's in a base that underground dwelling, but there's like a huge elevator. We call that a freight elevator.

That they have to take the car. They have to go down to the basement, get the car. So I go there, I get my car, and you, the way it works is you text a, some number, take the car. They have to go down to the basement, get the car. So I go there, I get my car, and the way it works is you text a, some number, you write car, and it text back and says, eight minutes. I love this. That's standard.

That's like the Batmobile. And it takes exactly eight minutes. When I text from my house, I walk over there, it's always pulling out, it's beautiful. And a machine. So I get there and I'm waiting and no car, and I'm like, that's interesting. Usually there's a car there and I kind of look it around.

I'm like, well, yeah, I'm sure three minutes pass, a couple more minutes pass, I'm just sitting there. And I just hear like, I'm like, what the fuck is that? I'm like, kidnapped victimpped victim, horn and trunk. What's it felt like the end of prisoners, I'm like, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. That's good.

I'm like, look around, like, what the fuck? Death person. And then I walk over to the freight and there's a little, you know, triangle. And the guy's like, I'm stuck in here. Oh. He's like the elevator broke. Oh, wow.

And I can't really see him, I just hear him. And I'm like, what? And he's like, it was like back to the future He's like no the keys are in here like my car is sitting in the fucking thing and I go what I try I'm a good person. So I went are you okay? Like do you need me to call 911 is this someone I can call yeah, and he was he's like we're stuck between two floors So it broke so his head he was like your doctor're stuck between two floors. So it broke, so his head, he was like, your doctor. His head is right at my dick, so I'm like,

leaning down, I can't see him, cause it's so dark in there. It's coming up. So I'm standing here, he's standing in his head, it was coming up, it's stuck, his head is like dick height. Yes, yes. And I'm like, all right, well, can I call somebody? And he's like, no, no, I already called, they're coming.

Yeah. And I go, well, can I ask how long? He's like, I don, no, I already called, they're coming. Yeah. And I go, well, can I ask how long? He's like, I don't know, that's the thing they don't tell you. So we're talking, it's very funny situation. I'm talking through a wall to a guy who's stuck. And you can see the car. I see the car, it's not my car. Oh, interesting.

So I'm like, okay, well, I guess, what can we do as long as you're all right? He's like, yeah, I'm all right. And I'm like, okay, so then you're like, do I stand here and make small time? Where you from? No, no, you get out of there. You go to your gig or whatever.

I can't go to my gig, my car's in the basement, in the garage. There's no train, you can't take a train. No, no, I'm going to Massachusetts. I'm going to take my dad to surgery. He's up in Boston, luckily I'm going up the day before. This is why you leave the day before. There you go.

So I'm just sitting there, so I'm like, all right, so I just stand there like, hopefully this doesn't take too long. You're also annoyed because you're like, well, I have to, if I had to be somewhere, I would be furious because I pay fucking $7,558 a day in this place. Yeah, rapianally on those car park prices.

When I first got the garage, I don't want to say the numbers because people get upset when you tell them how much you spend on things, it's crazy. It's New York City, what do you want? But I'll just say it was Y and now it's Y to like the third power. Oh, what up?

Not the third power, but it's more. It keeps going up. Oh, I hate when it goes up. And that's how they get you because the garage, it's so convenient. I know. That you're like, I hate when it goes up. And that's how they get you because the group, it's so convenient. I know. That you're like, I'm taking my car out, but then you're like, well,

garages are hard to find. And I'm like, I don't want to move my car and then the snow and the things. You're like, it's so valuable that you're like, well, it's only 40 bucks it went up. What are you gonna do? 40 bucks more a month. They know that.

Then they do $30 a month. And next thing you know, you're like, I'm paying 28% more than what we came up with this deal and now you're my car stuck in a fucking elevator Stuck in the elevator, so I'm just standing there like Freedick it looking at my phone and he's in there. We're both just standing all of a sudden. I just hear like And the guy like he shit himself super pants it open. He's like guy like, he shit himself, super pants and open. He's like, ah!

And he lifts, because the door closes like that. Like, what's that like from the top and the bottom? And he's like, he just cranks, he gets his foot on the bottom, and so I run over and I try to like put my foot and he's like, get your foot out of there, because like he's, you know, he can sue or whatever.

He just, he can't have like a fucking employee, or what are you called? What am I? Patron, and losing a foot in there. I don't wanna lose a foot. Patreon. Diabetes.

So he pulls it open. He steps out of the thing. It's like two feet and it's just a Jeep. And I'm like, ah, so that's not my car, which is good, because the car is stuck. And he's like, yeah, man, it sucks. I don't know what the fuck. He's like pouring sweat. He's crying.

He's got blood on his dick. And I'm like, oh, jeez, like, so what are we doing? He's like, I'll be back., he's got blood on his dick. And I'm like, oh jeez, what are we doing? He's like, I'll be back. And then he goes downstairs to get my car. Okay. So I gotta just hope it works. He's down there for about 10 minutes. Finally the door's open.

There's two garages. I see. Door number two opens, he pulls my car out. It's a site for sore anal. Oh yeah. And I go, okay. So do you need, and he's like, just get out of here.

I'm sorry about that. And I was like, well, good luck. I hope he's like, hey, hey, hey, don't worry. So how much time do you think you lost over there? Only about 12 minutes. But 12 minutes is significant if you're just sitting there. Sure. Luckily it was a leisurely cruise.

I was taking my dad to surgery. Because I'm a good boy. Yeah, you're a good egg. And this guy's a hero. I mean, he made it work. That's what desperation doodia. It'll kick you up a notch. Oh, I was so grateful he got the fucking car out of there

because it was one of those things where you're like, uh, my whole purpose of me going up there is to have a car. Sure. To drive and go. Wow, so many questions. One, how dad must have, that's the problem is you want to go, hey, dad, you don't know what I went through to get this car out of an elevator and they go,

yeah, whatever, what, you're going to make it or not to get this car out of an elevator and they go, yeah, whatever, huh? What you gonna make it or not? Well, you're sweet. I got a good text. Okay. A nice text and that's all you need at this point in life, a good text. The bar is low for Steve List. I'll tell you that. He gives you a hello and I'm like, we got off easy. But it was fun. It was like a pilgrimage. I drove up there I'm listening to the tunes, the springsteen, the dead stuff and I drove up there. I'm listening to the tunes the spring steam that had stuff and Went up and you feel like a hero cuz you're my mother can't drive in the city It's crazy and all that stuff. Yeah, we drove up there. He was a nervous. No, I had to have a face

or they put him down or whatever and he had some sinus bullshit. My dad had the same thing Yeah, it's all fucked up. Well, that's the thing you get older. It all just starts coming apart Falling apart at the seams. Yeah, but it does feel cool to go be the, I'm not a hero, but when a grandmother died, they're like, we're doing the funeral tomorrow and I said, I'll be there. It was like, book it. It was fun to just cancel everything and went down there.

Went down to Baton Rouge, Louisiana went to a church and watched a lady get buried. Cat's still working the airpods over there. But, what's there in there in? Yeah, you drove up and for you, it's nice. To me, it's, I mean, dad, it's the worst day of his life. He's terrified. He's just gonna die the whole thing.

I dropped him up in the city. I just strolled around public gardens, Boston Common. I'm getting a coffee. I hit a meeting, walking around the Charles River and I come back and they're like, we drove back, we watched a movie together, watched midnight runs, it was fun, classic. Great.

And you feel good and then we moved outside, backyard, beautiful day, and they're like, thank you so much, and I'm like, that was great. Yeah. We watched the movie, I walked around the city, fantastic. Had a great time, then you drive back, I gotta say, you're car people. First of all, you're looking at it was no language barrier.

Right. That's tough when they're in the other bit, like, I don't know what you're saying, what are we gonna do here? Yeah, was that the Indian joke? Yeah, that was it so I cut it but The second thing is your carpular so much nicer than mine. Oh, yeah, I go hey, can I get my car out in about three days and they go Could you call earlier next time? I'm like, oh, geez. Sorry. I gave you a seven day window here, but they don't like that. Well, the system is good.

The text message system is nice. But I've had it where I've returned it, and they're like, yeah, it's a little late. All right, well, it's 10 minutes to midnight. You're supposed to have it by midnight. Yeah, exactly. I'm early. I'm early.

They shame a little bit. They charge you a million miles a month, or a million dollars a month month and then they shame you. It's a tough system. Well, I think the thing is that job sucks. There's so much turnover. Every time I go there, it's just a different guy. But I think I probably pays fucking $4 an hour and you're just sitting there and moving

cars and then I'm never there like rush hour but I've been there a couple times where you're just like there's seven cars, people will want their cars all at once. Yeah. And it's like Kastanza. Right, he's got 20 keys, he's juggling. But my place is in the village, it's a staple, it's a lot of rich people going in and out of there. And these guys have been there for 50 years, like,

hey George, you know, he knows everybody, they all know the names, they pet the kids head, hey Billy, good to see you again, they're all in the, in cooots, but apparently I've used my car a lot less than you use yours. I got a vintage 50 year old beamer. So I just joy ride it maybe once a month. So I got hit with this one.

Christmas time they go, hey, we're cool, me and you. And I go, yeah, he goes just saying a lot of the guys are mad at you. I was like, what did I do? And they go, you never gave goes to say a lot of the guys are mad at you. I was like, oh, what did I do? And they go, you never gave the the bonus. They want that kick and I'm like, wait a minute. I Come here 12 times a year, right, but they they kind of stood around me in a semicircle and they were like, yeah, what's up with that Christmas guy? You're in boys. Yeah, exactly. I was up against the wall. I said, oh, all right. All right. I ran out to CVS and put a nice Finsky in that hallmark and called it a life. Yeah, it's tricky. That's the problem with being a wealthy person

You got to you all everybody money. You got to be handing out money left and right Well, they keep saying the rich get richer, but you're like I've drawn money out like screw duck The guy that what's a weird to get shame for a bonus. Right. And I paid him, talking to me wrong, he gave him a nice fat one, because I didn't want to get beat up. Game some show posters. Yeah.

Send him on their way. I gave him a Haver Hat and a comedy shirt. I like this Haver Hat. It's soft, it's nice. Views Haver Supply, whatever they supply. I have no idea you're gonna have to give them a Google. I don't know what the hell they sell. Yeah.

But Havre Supply, some of the best supply in the business. Good supply. And I've never get high on it. I've never had supply this good. You don't wanna try yours on? Nah, I don't love it. Havre Supply recently established. I'll look at that.

It's a skeleton surfing with his eyes folded. Ah. Eye fold. What's it called? I don't know, I can't say it. A blind fold. A blindfold. Blind fold! I knew fold was in there.

Eye fold sounds like something, yeah. By the way, blind has got to go away soon. I hope. You got blind spot, blind date, and blind fold. Almost. But I'm just saying, you know, you can't say this, can't say death or mute. Hey, we're getting there. I think it's a little slippery back here. It's a slick wall. Anyways, hey, we're supply. Best. Yeah, blind is no good.

I'm just saying it's gonna go some point. Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles. Who will die first, you think? I'm gonna go Ray. See, dad, I think he's dead. Yeah, actually, remember this? You got the right one, baby. Uh-huh. That was huge. Coca-Cola?

I think that was Pepsi. Pepsi. Yeah, that was the right one. Great. What about a Pepsi? That was massive. You got the right one, baby. Uh-huh.

The last week, we did a whole number on people who have superstition, ghost luck. How about the fate? Ah, fate. Yeah, well, it was meant to happen. Oh yeah, my mom was meant to get cancer. Well, you know, yeah, fate. Fate.

As fate would have it, fate feels better because it's like in the past. You're putting a positive spin, right? Like you're like, well, she died in a car, and that was her fate. It's still bad, but it's better than like. I think it's worse. Yeah, she was meant to go.

Like she was supposed to die. Yeah. God needed her. Yeah. Fate, and they do it for future too. They go, oh, that's my fate. I gotta move to New York and I'm gonna make it big. It's my fate. Right. Like, what does that I'm gonna make it big it's my fate right like

What does that mean fate it's too close to faith as well faith and faith yeah and they're similar It's like a law firm faith and faith look at this little scroll that can't wait what can't you do you're a talented man Oh, yeah, uh let me throw this out real quick because I've been wanting to address this and I think it's big Let me throw this out real quick because I've been wanting to address this and I think it's big oh That's crazy you gotta stop doing that apparently or keep doing it for money. That's bad for your head I gotta go to a carnival try with the mug Yeah, mug stands I gotta address this because we did the air pod story back in August whatever that was and we got about I got about 700 messages and I think it speaks to our society

I think society's grumbling. It's a real problem these conspiracy theories erotic control. I blame Rogan I got 350 messages going JP had your air pods the whole time you idiot. I can't even describe how many comments, messages, emails that said JP had the AirPods. He didn't have the fucking AirPods. You weren't there. I was there. I talked to the man. He was there.

He fucking watched us follow the AirPods to him, to his work. Why would he not just go, oh shit, here they are, why would he then take them to his home? Yes. When he knows that we've traced them and we're gonna continue to trace them that we're gonna show them up, it doesn't make any sense.

His story makes perfect sense except the only part that doesn't make sense. I think he was ballin' the lady who stole the airpods. That's what I suspect. All right. That's the only part that we think might be alive. But he didn't have the airpods. He was a good man and had a nice smile.

I looked in his eyes this man. And it doesn't make any sense for him to have had the airpods the whole time. No, but I love how it's gospel. Like I think this, so that's how it is. It's 100%. Like you don't even know. You're just assuming and all of a sudden

it's written and concrete. Yeah, you have the least amount of information. And why would he go like, well, that's safe. Now that I've given him my phone number, my name, and he knows where I work and the air pods are, I think I'm safe to take them to my home now. Yeah. And then he's like, oh my god, they're still looking for him.

Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. He didn't have them. Then he saw the address. He recognized the address because he had a side piece, possibly, or he was invited to the, but whatever it is. And he went, he went and got the airpods from the lady. He's a good man. I'll die on that fucking hill.

And you don't even know what you're talking about. You have so little information. It's the same with all these fucking conspiracy theories that you like I know more than all the doctors even though I've never studied any of this fucking shit ever once yes exactly but I look I think Mona's at him so he don't don't talk to me I think he had him the whole time well he's a suspicious character he's a beautiful man but you're right, people catastrophize, they conspiracize, they love it, they live for it, and it's silly and grow up. You might be wrong, people need to realize,

I might be wrong. Perhaps I'm wrong. That doesn't come into people's zeitgeist. Well, I got some big dates coming up. Woo! Not really, but November 17th and 18th, I am at DC Improv, and I apologize. I had to bail on the Thursday show.

I just don't wanna be gone from my baby so long. Chocolate, so if you're gonna, if you're available, go Thursday, you're not available to go Friday Saturday. Sorry, but I assumed you'll be all right, but I wanna be with my child. And DC Improv Friday, Saturday, be there, Tacoma in January.

Oh, Tacoma. Check out the special enough for everybody. Leave a comment, get that thing back in the fucking algorithm. I think we got fucked by the C word. I really do. I really think that fucked me. You can look at last year's and this year special you can see exactly when it dips is when it lost the advertising of course of course that's the exact moment it dipped

so and I had three times as many subscribers we're competing with a lot more now I guess but but it's annoying that you two won't cop to it also just tell us that's what it is don't deny it yeah it's very suspicious but it's a fucking killer special directed by the great Jason Katz, one of the best. And so check that out. Go watch that. Check out my Femmental Jacket on YouTube and all the podcasts, places and the Patreon. Patreon is hot.

It's cooking. It's, it's, it's humming. We're about to do a bonus. We did a great Q&A. That was, maybe our best that was very Very fun and all the live shit is fucking killer so go check that out. Where are you gonna be dude? I will be all over the road new dates added coming to Texas Florida Phoenix Denver

Philly you name it Mark Norman comedy dot com and Phoenix Denver, Billy, you name it, Mark Norman Comedy.com And yeah, I got special on Netflix as well. Give it a double like out there. And yeah, praise Allah, keep on rocking and live it up folks. When men just try Oh, this may work in the music time