Tuesdays with Stories! - #529 Kuwait a Minute

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

It’s Tuesdays, and Papa Joe is 24 hours from the big day: baby List is almost here! But there’s on complication: Joseph has got the olllllld covid. Joe powers through the sinus attack to fulfill his podcasting duties and as Mark throws caution to the wind and tells the tale of a young woman who has a suggestion for his act. Mark also heads go Portland and Providence for some of those sweet laughs, and the countdown to Daddy-town for Joe is ON! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show by going to https://displate.com/tuesdayswithstories?art=624740987334c & usecode TUESDAYS to get up to 30% off. - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st order with codeTUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose what I- Hey, hey folks, we're here! We're in the uh, super spreader event in the uh, the Shark Cage or Fish Tank of COVID, how the hell you feeling, Fanny? Not bad. All right, Joseph,

protested positive for COVID aids and mental retardation, but we're making it work, we're getting it in. Well, there goes, there goes the YouTube money. You know, we're fucked, baby. I'm, I'm, I'm steeped in COVID. Really? Full blown, shocked full of of COVID you're not worried

I'm okay. I've had it 19 times. I think of a moon Maybe I saw someone get a booster the other day that helps yeah the boost I don't I don't have to get the boost now That's true. I'm fucking full boost baby. You're boosted Boosted Monta but you got a kid coming tomorrow. Tomorrow, that's insane. I got co, well first of all, first and foremost, I mean, we just gotta say Chuck has left the room. He's left the building.

We should have clovered a long time ago. I know, I'll get it next week. But sorry, I'm extra weasy. You sure you're okay. I'm all right, I mean, I do meet and greets every week. I'm, I got a feckin' headlock. I'm all right, I mean, I do meet and greets every week. I'm gonna have a thick head lock, I'm on the playground, touching kids, I'm around it. Yeah, well that's the thing is, you know,

everybody has, you know it's coming for you, but this is what's so crazy is my, my wife is pregnant, we're literally having the baby tomorrow. Wow, which is, it's my last full day on Earth, no kid. Wow, it's seasick. No, we're inducing labor. We're inducing labor. So it takes a while, but if they said it takes too long,

they sniff them out of there. They do speak a little. But, yeah, it's crazy, and our doctor is just a cool cucumber. I love a cool cucumber doctor. Need a cool cucumber, because you don't, another worst thing on a nervous, oh boy, a nervous eating like this.

What do you do to me? Well, that's the thing, and everybody, this is the thing, and I'm gonna be this guy. As Friday morning, I'm gonna call you and be like, Mark, you're worthless, your life is meaningless, you don't know love, you don't know compassion, you don't know, you know, anything. Wait, what does that mean?

This is what everyone does. Does that mean, don't you find this? Everyone goes, ah, you ready? You ready? Have a kid? Yeah, well, I think what not. Oh things I know I can name every you got it Oh that was it just like that that was quick I you know I know every world series winner since 1977 I can go way back that's true was all the world series best picture. I know it I don't need a kid to tell these things. That's true. Yeah. And it's

funny. You say that because I bumped into old Rosebud on Monday with Andy Haynes. She's like, I got a night nurse the first night out and weeks since the kid blah, blah, blah. And then of course Haynes goes into the, it's the most profound thing I've ever done. I'm a different guy now. And it was, it was that, that speech. This is the last episode of Tuesday's with Stories as you know it. It's gonna be me with a sweater vest, with a tie underneath. Yeah, maybe a pipe, a cardigan, and a daily news. My glasses will look like this. Everything you say, I'm gonna be like,

I don't think so. That's true, yeah, you're going full dead. And I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna watch movies where kids get murdered Oh, yeah, abduction stories just give it to me. That's poor now because you're gonna hate the kid You're gonna go, please? You're gonna be jerking off to the the kidnap video. You know these people. Oh, I can't watch that I can't be watching that and I'm like, well, I don't get it Silly you can watch a vampire.

Exactly. You can watch a guy get raped and pulped fiction in a pawn shop. I might show the kid that. Please. I saw it pretty young. I think it was 10 when I saw that. I was 12. Yeah, I came in 94.

So it was, well, I didn't know what the hell was going on. No, I got wood, which was weird. But yeah, that was a wild scene. And you'd think your dad would be like, Oh, jeez! Yeah, we just sat there just two buddies in silence. He went meet evil on his asshole, and my dad would do this for the tits.

Oh, really? That was nice. Yeah, just the over the eyes, and then he kind of got into it. I'm off. Yes. Instead of earmuffs. But any fart, so yeah, I'm going to have the kid. I was going to say something about something, but that's what I was going to say.

So my doctor is just a cool cook. Because this is the thing. And all these people too, your parents, my parents, their parents, every parent, they all had their kids in 1968. They get that right. And so this doctor, you know, everyone, all these people say, well, the first one comes whenever they want. They'll come early, they'll come late, they'll come on your face.

Uh-huh. And lucky. And so my doctor, she's like this. No, well, we also built ours in a lab. I see. So I think it's some more science or whatever. But she's like this, no, no, it's gonna come on this date Oh, I love that matter effect and I said I was like well, what about the scenes?

We're in the cab and the water's broken and I'm swerving through and she's like, nah Nah, that's not gonna happen. Oh, I love this lady. And I was like, okay, and everybody else is like well We'll see it's been going out for a month and I'm like now I'm gonna go with the lady saying, the one person we're paying and seeing. Exactly. And then she also said, I was like, we're going into induced labor.

And all these people say, oh, sometimes that doesn't work. You induce, they send you home and they get this. And I asked the doctor that, I go, what do you make of this? And she goes, oh no, you're leaving with the baby. Oh, I love this woman. I don't wanna go down on her. And she says it like that. Very attractive too.

Just, it says it like that. She's like this. No, no, you're gonna have a baby. We need more of this. You know the guys like the earth is flat. We just need her to come in and go, no, no. Yeah, that's it. It's good.

We need it now more than ever. But she's just like, yeah, no, we'll do that. And it'll be great. And we just sit there and every question, she's like, yeah, that'll be'll do that. And it'll be great. And we just sit there and every question, she's like, yeah, that'll be weird, no work. That'll be fun. You get why women are like a take charge guy, a guy with answers.

I'm attracted to her now. I've never even seen her. Yeah, it's really nice and comforting. And by the way, my wife, she's full mom. She's mopping the floors and organizing the stuff. And it's kind of nice because I got COVID three days before the baby, not ideal on paper. Sure, but you're sitting pretty.

This is your last time to be baby. Yes. Because then you're going all 180 on this fucking toddler. Well, I got my feet up. I'm watching the baseball playoffs. I'm hydrating, taking Tylenol AMPM and DM like it's Instagram like it's my my you know whatever something funny and I'm just sitting there and she's building bureaus putting together the car seat

She painted a paint by number of two kids kissing. I mean fun every time I get up to pen I'm like I'm sick. I get up. I look, the bedroom looks more put together. She's stuffing animals and everything. Well, they say something kicks in with the maternal instincts, the women stuff. Like we do the whole day, hey, Leigh and Thomas, you know, we were just like, oh, see we go, but give Leigh and Thomas a kid.

I don't know if she's getting that full breast milk crumpling, estrogen flowing, kids kissing, painting, and I have to snap it half. I don't know because you need a lady touch, a soft, a touch. True that. Yeah, that's you. She's a lady. Yes, yes.

But you're right. And I think it's the procreation of the species. It's why we're all put here. Sorry, Gays. But yeah, it's in the wiring. It's all wired and it's all exciting It's all but so it's my last day. This is where it's a bummer because I'm sick. Yeah, but since my last day and I was Message my buddy Patrick Holbert. Who you know? I'll be who's a twos gay and we shot this

Tom Dustin documentary which is coming back to to Holbert than busy by the way Matt Wayne special Sarah TallahMarsh special Tom Dustin doc. We're wearing we're partners. Wow. I love it good for him He's in the mix. We got a lot cooking. He's a talented salicuse, but he sent me the Real trumpet that'll keep the Donald Trumpet. That'll keep the COVID away. So I texted, he sent me the new cut of the Tom Dustin picture. And I said, oh, I'll watch it today and he goes, don't spend your last day watching it. He's like, my wife and I, the last day before the kid,

we drove around to all our date spots and reflected on whatever. And I'm like, I'm recording a Tuesday. I'm here. I'm podcasting. Sarah's building another bureau. And we go way back. Okay, come on. One of my chupges.

Well, this isn't, you know, I'm just working. No, I get it. I get it. We're working. And for COVID, I had spots tonight. I was doing two stand spots, but I picked them up. People, is that right? No, yeah.

There you go. I appreciate it. Everybody wins. Well, it's funny because people are like, you're doing spots, but I? No, yeah. There you go. I appreciate it. Everybody wins. Well, it's funny because people are like, you're doing spots, but I'm like, I don't get it. Well, what I sit at home with the difference. What should I do?

She's not in labor. It's one thing if she's crowning and you're like, oh, I got a New York comedy club, 830. Well, yeah, it's the same relationship. We've been married for 48. Yeah, what are we going to do? Really talk deep tonight? Like we would just watch Goodfellas again. Right, I guess you could really hold each other

and go, this is it. It's almost like you're going to jail. You get one last meal before the clink. Well, we are gonna bang and it keeps, we keep being busy. I'm vacuuming, putting the car seat in, she's doing this. So you are like, don't forget, we got a fuck. Oh, that's it.

I mean, because we're not gonna fight. I think it's like two months or something. Which, you know, I got a, I'm going to, I got a corporate in Vegas that I'm faking. It's not even a real gig. I just got to go fuck Moaness and a whore. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you earned it, baby. But you can't give her the cove. You're gonna have to go doggie style to where you're both facing the same way, like Washington on the Delaware. Well, this is the thing is, we're in the same bed, cause that, so I can give you the whole COVID story. But, for how you feeling?

Are you coming out of it? Are you coming on my back? I feel okay, I feel shit. This is the thing about COVID. Now, the new COVID, we have to remember, it did kill many people. It's downgraded many times. I don't wanna be one of these like, blah, because it was a serious deal. Fat people really got it and old people right up the S.

Yeah, and that was three years ago, also I might add. Three or a half, I think. It's mutated quite a bit. I feel shitty. This is the thing, it keeps being a different kind of shitty. So let me take you back through. So, Saturn, first of all, let me go way back. Please.

I'm talking to the doctor who we love. Yes. And this is the thing that I'm going to do Shit it. So let me take you back through. So, Saturn, first of all, let me go way back. Please. I'm talking to the doctor who we love. Yes. And this is like months ago, I'm like this, what happens if I get COVID the week of the thing? Wow, you asked that. Well, that's what I'm been worried about.

That's hilarious. You have a baby pop out day one and I got a disease. Sure. But. Whatever, they call it disease. What's the difference? Because they call it a disease. Sure. So, whatever. They call it disease. What's the difference? Because they call it a disease sometimes. That's a good point.

Yeah, I don't know. Because it's a viral disease, isn't it? Yeah, AIDS is a disease. But I thought a disease, what's the difference of disease? We need Chuck. Luckily, he's afraid of the disease. Oh yeah.

Because, does a disease by definition not go away? No. It does it, does it disease by definition, not go away? No, it does go away. It treats it. His cancer is a disease, but you can cure cancer on some people. Yeah, that's a tough one.

I don't know. What makes it, what's a disease? Yeah, so what do you call it? Yeah, what's a famous disease we're not thinking of? Because I've heard it referred to as a disease. Crones disease, is that right? Yeah, crones disease. But that's not curable.

No, treatable, not curable. Yeah. So some diseases are curable. Yes. What is a curable disease? Cancer. Sometimes. Good point.

Does get cured. Yes. But there's not a cure. No, but you can take it out. She's treated earlier. And then yeah. Huh. Oh boy. Huh somebody died while listening to this of a disease Yeah, we're just we're stupid, but any farts God we got it. It's about we should address that live episode that everybody hated man They hate that people message me to like you're full of shit. Why pretend it was good. I'm like we were high-fiving

I mean everybody killed Seper love everybody was getting big laughs. He got one at the end I mean it was hoot and holler and small crowd and still killing you know I think it was the crowd wasn't might I tell you that's what it is people they don't No because it's because we're pausing they don't hear the laugh But again, this is like the sopranos. We're in the minority, I'm like, all right, I guess, I must be wrong.

Everybody hated it. But we were there and they were. We were there. That's a good point. We're Vietnam. Good point. You weren't there, man. Purple haze.

That's a song. Yeah, yeah. Ray Murder. It's just a shot. I feel like that plays for every Vietnam movie. That's a song yeah Just a shot I feel like that plays for every Vietnam movie. Yeah, you can't have a thing the other one is a lot of credence and What do you call what's the Neil Young Steven stills bet? What's that's that Buffalo's pre-Feel? Oh, yeah, that's a big one too. That's an every fucking thing. Yeah. But anyways, for what is worth?

Ah, it's named the song. Anyfarts, so yeah, I've been worried about this, having COVID, giving my baby this illness. And so I asked, and again, she was like, oh, I don't know, she's like, wear a mask, whatever. Yeah, okay. She's like, I think the baby's not that crazy from the COVID. Right.

And they have your wife's immunity because they suck on her tits and they're inside of her. So people aren't that worried about me giving COVID to the baby. And that's going from a MD. Yeah, again. DM. She's, I mean, funny if she's not like some Zen great doctor, she's just like an asshole.

Does he care about anything? She's like, I don't know, whatever. She's indifferent. She's like like an asshole. Does he care about anything? She's like, I don't know whatever. She's indifferent. She's like Kager But that that a breast milk is like a potion. It's love potion number nine. That shit is it's like a elixir of health and then Beauty. I know I wish our come or Farts or Spittled it's like a bird you can be like oh, I mean great cuz you feel useless. I don't get any juice Yeah, there's a couple pornos I could send you where the girl jerks off the guy takes it in the mouth then baby birds it

That's my number one fantasy. It's pretty crazy. Yeah, that's what I need from my dad But sometimes they'll get the gum going in there too. You see a little was that a wriggly? Yeah, but that's the advanced stuff. You can, that's a hard video to find. Whoo, bubble gum. Ha ha ha. There you go. That's fun.

So anyways, so I asked her 17 months ago and she said, yeah, you know, you'd be careful, wear a mask and then everyone's like this, wow, leading up to the week, you try to isolate or whatever. But all these things, you're like, no. I'm gonna do that. Right.

Even now, I'm wearing a mask through the office. You feel like a dork. Everyone's looking at me. I'm like, I gotta put the mask on. You don't want to be an asshole. But you don't want to be the square either. Oh, he's one of those guys. But you maybe don't just think you have scurvy or something.

Well, I think I can say, hey, I'm having a baby tomorrow. I'm trying to be careful. Oh, he's one of those guys. But you maybe they'll just think you have scurvy or something. Well, I think I can say, hey, I'm having a baby tomorrow. I'm trying to be careful. Oh, perfect. Because it's like the, it's like the Jerry Seinfeld speedboat. You get them off the top. Right. Right. You're buying a speedboat? Yeah. There you go. So I go, I'm worried about it, whatever. And then last week, and we talked about it, went to Seattle, you come back, and all these meet and greets, then I did a podcast with a guy, and the next day he was like, I just tested for COVID,

so I was like, that was 90 minutes of sitting there together. Who would do that? But I thought you would get it three days later. Sure. So once the weekend came and went, I was like, all right, I'm clear. Right.

And then a full nine days past Saturday night, we did Matt Wayne's comedy special, which he'll be called Take a Sniff. Hell yeah. And very exciting Patrick directed it. I did a little production and Mike Tui opened, who's killer, you know, Tui? Tui.

Mike Tui. Sounds familiar, I know, I know, oney. He's a real dude. He's like a long island dude. He looks a little bit like Mike Ness Me too. We I don't know guy great great guy Okay, hey too. We he opened and old M. Dubs killed it. It was such a perfect special One-take one show at the gutter bar. Oh, that's a great room. Good spot and filled it out. A bunch of old comics I hadn't seen in a long time. You see Doug Smith. Doug Smith was there. He's a cutie pie. What a guy,

Selena Copic. I didn't see her in a dog's head. They all copy. It really brought me back to the old days. George Gordon and Robert Dean was there. And Matt Wayne, of course, and Sarah came. And it was a great, great time, great show. Get excited for that. Take a sniff. That's coming in a few months, I'm sure. But it was one of those things. So Saturday I stay in, I watch college football, I'm relaxing and you know how it is.

We're always burning the midnight. A lot of burning sensation. Spots, podcasts, clips, travel, more podcasts, all that shit. Totally, gotta edit, gotta caption, gotta write a new joke, by the way, in the middle of all that. Not easy. Now, juggling, spinning plates. A lot of spinning plates coming down to the baby.

So Saturday I was like, I'm bad. And if we might die, do we're at rest for a moment? You're always working, you're running, you're like an engine, or what do you call it? I don't know. Energize or bunny? Yeah, you're always running around doing stuff. Now I feel similarly, during, I have this,

my mother thing in me, that I'm like, during the day, week day, I'm like, I gotta be working on something to Yes, you get the guilt. So you're either going to the gym or you're doing your pushups or you're going for a run or you're setting up a podcast or you're doing a podcast or you're trying to write jokes or you're a phone enough friend. Yeah.

And then do you have this? We are like, I gotta be working. I know you have that. And then you talk to somebody who's very productive, very successful and And they've watched every season of every show. I don't understand. And I know exactly what you mean. Have you seen the Dahmer yet? Have you seen Ozark? Have you seen this? Have you seen that? I'm like, when? But I sometimes forget. Because I'm sitting during the day. I'm like,

all right, what's next? I got to work on something else. And you realize you're like, well, Sam Morel has watched every single film noir from 1928 to 1948. So he must be taking breaks somewhere. He's taking breaks. He'll cancel a spot, he'll sit with his lady. He'll do that, but he also gets the shit done as well. Right, because I have this thing where I'm like,

I need to kill myself because I just spent a half hour looking at Instagram. I'm like, a piece of shit. That is the worst. So, trying to, so I said Saturday, I'm watching football, that's it. I'm not doing anything until it's time for the Matt's show. So I say great, so I sit, I watch football,

I'm hanging out and I go, all right, almost time to head over the Matt Wayne show. And then just then all of a sudden, just a gripping headache, like a vice, like one of these migrating headache. Like the back of Casino. And you're like this. Yeah.

I don't like, oh that's weird. Yeah. Because I'm not stressed. You usually get a stressed headache. I'm sitting here watching football. Maybe caffeine. Yeah, Sarah's like, she always goes with, maybe you're dehydrated,

which I get a little annoyed because I'm like nobody drinks more water than me. Sure. I am a water guy. Yes, the water boy. All day long, I'm drinking water. So I'm like, I'm not the... Oh, well, let's go to the show. Uh-huh.

And you got that cripply headache thing. Oh, yeah. This is no good. You can't shake it. Can't shake. No shake. Shake it off. Rattling roll.

Do the show, the show's great. Killer show, come back, head is pounding. That night I'm sleeping, I wake up, it's like that. This thing, oh, it dry. Yes, like the desert. And you're like, huh, really dry. Having a kid in four days, head pounding. And then I go, well, whatever, it's Sunday. I'm going to see

Kill is the flower moon. Oh I also saw it have you saw a lot to talk about lots to talk about a movie pod But I'd love to cover some bases. Give me some give me some typical. I saw with the cues Okay, which was great because you kept getting up to call the airline Because he was trying to get a bereavement fair. It was classic. It was like right out of the the show and He finally got it, but he was like just standing in the aisle. You didn't want to be on the either the bright phone So he's like standing on the aisle. Oh, well, yeah, the Osage got shot. All right, how about that? Yeah, yeah, the lady died. You know, what can I tell you?

Oh, oh, look at that oil money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was loved. You know, I got the death certificate. It was classic. I hope there's some hyperbole here because this is appalling. It was appalling, but we were the only people in the theater. By the way, I was an empty theater, 1 p.m. union square. All right.

But I thought it was good. It's beautifully shot. The editing is incredible. union square. All right. But I thought it was good. It's beautifully shot. The editing is incredible. The acting was top notch. I thought Leo was a little sling-blady. Good. Okay, the acting was great. The only thing I thought it was missing

and Salcius made this point. I didn't have any tension. I was on the edge of my seat. I wanted somebody to get hit with a ball-pean hammer. I want that montage. I want the classic rock. I want the Scorsese signature Uh-huh, and it didn't have a lot of that. I thought the ending was a master class Yeah, I just think that's what I run on felt similarly, but I'm famous for not famous

But you know what I mean? Notorious. Ah-ha B-I-G for one viewing my things my rods and cones are also Yes, and you change your views because it's so it's mood-driven based B.I.G. For one viewing, my things, my rods and cones are also good. Yes, and you change your views. Because it's so, it's mood-driven, based situation. And I've had many things where I'm like, stinks. And then I'm like, well, that's my favorite movie of all time. Right. And vice versa, I've ever seen Patch Adams

and drop in flyers from the sky. Say, there's a new king in town. I loved it. How about that scene where the door? Is the vagina with the legs? The paper she let go. It's gold. I'm a call just but I thought it was a little bit. I think here's my theory with his age. You know, you're talking to an old guy, you're telling a story with an old guy and he's telling the story a little slower.

As a 30 year old guy, he'd be zipping through with punches. This feels like the older he gets Irishman, this movie, he's slowing down a little slower. As a 30 year old guy, he'd be zipping through with punches. This feels like the older he gets Irishman, this movie, he's slowing down a little bit. Slowing down, a lot of stuff in there. But yeah, that's what Ronan said. Similarly, and I'm sure by now, our movie podcast is up, and the time you're hearing this, so go check it out. But yeah, he said it's very one note over and over again. It's like, we get it. They're evil. They're killing the people. Yes, it's not a lot there I mean, I've seen other people make this criticism like I wish there was more investigation Jesse Plemons character very fun I think he comes in nine and a half hours in and he's there for eight minutes

And he's got no development. He's got no character no personality Sam read the book and he was like that was the best character in the book That's what I've heard is that the book and the book also, from what I understand, is slowly revealing the evilness. Like de Caprio's character, you find out he's evil on page 319. Don't give it away. Wow, it's been a month. All right.

But, and I think also, that's the point. It's not even giving anything away. In the movie, like the opening scene. Yes. He's like, you got it. We'll kill all the Indians, I'll marry one, and we'll take all their money. He's in four. He's a little thick.

He's thick, yeah, but I loved it, but I gotta see a second or third time, and this is depressing. I can't, because I have a kid now. Oh, I can't go to a four hour movie. You got that right. It's over now. That's a kid's whole lifespan, but it's over-phoposo. What helps though is I walked home after to a four hour movie you got that right. It's over now kids whole lifespan But it's over for both of what's it what helps those I walked home after to to ruminate on the flick

And I see old Louis CK walking with a nice lady no kidding and he goes Hey, that great boy looks amazing. Have you seen him lately? I have he was supposed to come over Sunday and then Govin he is felt in a cool outfit on. He looked good. He had those John Lennon gay glasses, the circular with the red tint. I like the sound of that. He looked like the professional. You know that movie? Wow.

Yeah. And I think he had a little Natalie Portman with him because she had a little hot day with him. And, uh, he was like, I loved it. I thought it was great. I was like, I told him the tension thing. And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah. And then we parted ways.

But. Yeah, he loved it. So, I went and saw that Sunday. Oh, yeah, so that was Sunday. I'm like, I'm gonna go see Killer of the Flower Moon and then he was coming over Sunday night to get Sarah and I dinner, which is a nice thing about a nine month pregnant slash

new baby. No one, you're not going to anybody. They're coming to you. You got that right, Fanny. That's the, it's the, it's the worth the price of admission. Yes, yes. I love a kid just for that. He's like, I'm going to come over, I'm going to bring food, don't you guys touch that

dial, don't do anything. I'm bringing, I'm coming to Queens and I'm like, this is great. It's great. He never went to Queens. No. Well, a couple times. Okay, but also it's fun to go, oh, you have two kids to talk to me, teach me.

You look at them differently now. Well, he had them 38 years ago. Ah, yeah, on accident. But, but any parts, so he's coming over Sunday night. So now I'm like, we shot the special. It's great. Last weekend, Sans Kids had a little headache last night, but whatever, I'm going to see this flick. I got Louie coming over for dinner. Fantastic. So I got up, Sarah's too busy, so she's

like, I can't go to the movie. I hit Shivon up and he was gonna come, but then he couldn't come. So I said, ah, whatever, I like going to the movies by myself. Sure. It's an investment. You're in there. It's a long movie. So I go over there and it was nice because it's about half full. Sure. A little room here. Uh watch the movie love the movie. I was gripped and groved but As the movie's progressing I start to get that fucking headache

Bad head and I'm like this huh that headache is really something and I know my headaches Sure, I'm like, something's up there. And then I start to feel like a, whoo, sorry, private alarm. I start to feel the yuckers and as the movie's going, I'm getting worse and then that's that. That's not in that club. That movie, that movie ends.

I'm crying, I love it. I love Scorsese, he's the king. Oh yeah. And I get up to leave and I'm like, I love it, I love Scorsese, he's the king. Oh yeah. And I get up to leave and I'm like, a little walked out. Wow. And then I'm walking and this is the dead COVID giveaway because it's exactly how it happened the first time when I had it two years ago. I call Ron on to talk because he's having, he's shooting his special.

Oh right. He killed it by the way, I popped in. I know I had to miss that because of COVID. So he was panicking. He's like, I can't breathe. My father's gay. I'm my special sucks. And I call him.

Yep. So I go, I saw the movie. I loved it about you. You know, you need to breathe and yoga and whatever. And then he goes, wow, what's going on? I go, you know what? I gotta go. I gotta hit with a diarrhea.

Oh, shit. The ultimate confirmation. So then I go into the bathroom. It was with a diarrhea. Oh, that's shit. The ultimate confirmation. So then I go into the bathroom, and it was like a dumb and dumb or just barely made. Yes. The gripping head, the diarrhea, and of course, Sara's like, ah, you probably stressed out. Oh, that's what Ronan said too.

He's like, this could just be anxiety, you having a baby? Get out of here, diarrhea anxiety, come on. I'm like, wow, I don't get my grade. Yeah, so then I'm like, I'll take the COVID test, we got the at home tests. I'm testing Sarah's telling a story and then you just go COVID.

And she's like, come on. I'm like, I know four days from the child birth just as I feared. Now, we both don't believe in the woo woo and the Mercury's and anal grade and jizz on my back and all that but They say what you're scared of happens to you. Hmm. So I don't know if there's I think I heard a lady say it once in the 80s, but whatever you're scared you're thinking you almost manifest it No, that's not silly. Yeah, that's what happened to you. That's an unsensed joke. Cause it's like, you gotta, COVID is like one of those things,

we're gonna get it. Again, you and I are traveling, we're meeting greeting, we're in shows, we're crowd surfing, and fucking skank that, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just a matter of, Oh my guys, a matter of time and, De Rosa, you know, it just happens.

Yeah, it sucks. But I think it'll be all right, the little kid will be fine, but, You'll be fine and you're, it just happens. Yeah, it sucks. But I think it'll be all right. The little kid will be fine, but. It'll be fun. And you're on the down slope. Yeah, I'm on day Sunday Monday Tuesday with day five. Oh yeah, you're cruising. So I'm out here and the whole time,

it's been unpleasant, not fun, but also like I could have done anything I needed to do. Sure, sure, you're not laying in bed with the ice pack and the old thermometer. No, plus a fever's kind of fun. When you've been sober a long time, you're kind of like, whoa. That's true.

Well, funky. Well, lightheaded. By the way, the people that are so crazy about COVID, they'll be furious at us for even talking about it. I know. People are gonna be mad at us. I know, he has it right mad at us. I know. He has it right now, folks.

Let the man have his illness. But, uh, but any fart, so now we do the podcast. I'm going home, watching the flick, having sex, and then at 2.15 AM, my alarm goes off like yours. We head to the car with a car seat. Oh my lord. 2.15 AM. Yeah, we gotta be there at 3 AM.

3 AM call time. Wow, do you get a nap Yeah, we got to be there at 3 a.m. 3 a.m. call time. Wow, do you get a nap in maybe? I'm gonna try to go to bed at 11 and wake up at 2.15. Wow. That's the worst part of the COVID thing is like, you know, when you're sick, you need to rest. Yeah. And we're about to have no sleep for seven months

or whatever. It's really good. Yeah. Well, I talked to Rosebud and she was like, if I didn't have a night nurse, this would be hell. And I'm like, oh, you mean like how everyone's done it in history since the week ago? Well, yeah, I don't want to.

Whatever. But yeah, they've called me. I love both of them. And they were like, you got to get this night nurse. I'm telling you what. And I know a lot of children. Yes. And none of them had that.

I didn't have one. You didn't have one. Yes. So it's hard because you don't want to be like that. I don't think so. And then your baby explodes or whatever. Sure. But at the same time, you're like,

every, I have like, there's 75 kids in my family. No one has a night nurse. Well, I think it's obviously a luxury, but they were like, you kids in my family. No one has a night. There's. Oh, I think it's obviously a luxury, but they were like, you have to do it. I'm like, do you have to? I don't know if that's the right word there. I don't have like an apartment. It's gonna be a woman sleeping on my couch.

That's what they do. They go from seven to seven. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it's an option. If you got the, if you got the mule. It's a lot of dough. It is. 350 a night they said. Yeah, that's that adds up. What do I see? Yeah, what's an option. If you got the, if you got the mula. It's a lot of dough. It is. 350 a night they said.

Yeah, that's that adds up. What do I see? Yeah, what is this therapy session? But. But 50 a night folks. Yeah. I mean, it was a, I know. Maybe you can talk her down at 325,

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But yeah, so I got a couple of things. I don't know, are you? Please, yeah, I'm talking about fucking my cold over here. Sure, well, two things. One I wanted to run by and one was just a fun thing to Spectate Spectate that a word speculate speculate C Take in take in yeah, baby take in spectate. What is the spectator's?

Your spectator is like a spectator must spectate. What is the spectator's? Spectator's like a spectator must spectate. Yeah. The spectacular. Oh, wow, never thought of that. Oh, and then speculate. That's totally different. And then there's a speck of dust. Hmm, then there's spark.

The search for spec. Yes. So, first things first, I'm running around doing sets as you do, Monday night, got a bunch in, like four in. I'm doing a stand, I have a fun set, I try a new one, the new one dies as you do. I run out of there, I do another set of the seller,

then come back to the stand for my final set. There's an attractive woman in the doorway of the stand. You know, I see her from, I'm jogging in, I see her from a distance. It's a good silhouette. We're like, oh wow, that's a hot lady there. I like that. The heels, the tight pants, the ponytail,

bopping, the earrings, and you're like, oh, look at that. So I'm running in, I'm running in. She's standing with a couple of people in the doorway. I go, oh, sorry, can I get by here? I'm late. And she goes, can I say one thing? How do I go? Uh-oh. She goes, I'm a fan. I think you're funny. I thought you had a good set. And I go, I gotta go on. Because I know something bad's coming. And she goes, I have a problem with your show.

I had a problem with your set. And I go, well, you know, people have problems. What can you do, take it up with the comment box or whatever. And she was like, everything you said was funny, but I think you gotta lay off the race jokes. And I go, well, I tried one new one. It's not there yet. You gotta hear it done. Let me finish it.

Sure. Cause it's gonna sound worse when I'm looking for it. Of course. And she was like, everything else I'm okay with, but the racial stuff, I just don't think you should even touch that area. And I was like, What are we doing here?

I've had people tell me that about women, about Jews, about Black, about Asian, about retarded, whatever it is. If I listen to everybody, it wouldn't, that wouldn't have an act. And she goes, I hear you, but I actually know a lot about comedy. And when she said that, I lost it. I was like, you don't know my comedy

because otherwise you wouldn't stop a comedian and do this. I'm nervous though. Is this some lady? Is she somebody? I hope not. Oh, I think you're gonna reveal that it's, you know, the head of Carol E. Yeah, no, Leifer would get it.

But so now we're in the doorway, going back and forth. Oh boy. And I was just like, God, I just think you shouldn't do that. I know a lot about comedy. I just, I'm telling you, as a fan, you gotta drop it. What do you do there? I don't know, I guess, I, as a fan, you gotta drop it. What do you do there? I don't know, I guess, I got, I mean, mountain mountain,

many things could go on there, I guess. Sure. I would be like, all right, well, noted, and thank you, I appreciate it, and then, I'm still gonna do an asshole, yeah. But also, now I'm getting deep into it, but I've had many shows where like a black guy will come and he goes, I need more black stuff. Where's the black stuff? Come on, buddy, I want, you did some Mexican jokes, I'm in, I it, but I've had many shows where like a black guy will come and he goes I need more black stuff Where's the black stuff come on, buddy? I want that you did some Mexican jokes some Indian I want some more black

Right, okay. We'll tell every honky lady that you said that will you deal me in they say yes blackjack But yeah, so I'm just like I've heard this from a about other groups. I was like what about juxtap she's like I'm it's okay, but the racial is where you lost me and I'm like, I don't care. I don't know what to tell you I and then this her husband was this big strap and buff dude, and I was like, uh-oh I just noticed him there. I was like, what do you think he goes just up telling jokes, which I that was fun Oh, he was on my side. Oh, I see. Yeah, just quit your whole thing. Yeah, because she stinks out loud. I guess so, but she's gonna walk away. And the worst part is she's gonna walk away going,

try to tell this guy, he sounds like a fucking bigot, but he won't listen to me, you know, I'm just trying to save the world out here. Yeah, it also feels like you're not really a fan that... Ah, that as well. You know what I mean? Like, I'm a fan of, you know, Jackson mean like I'm a fan of you know Jackson Brown I don't go and go hey no No no songs about AIDS right enough already. I mean, maybe if he started rapping. Oh, that would be bad

I bumped into him. That's a genre chain exactly. I'm not going out there doing props. Yeah Exactly, which I wouldn't mind saying like a mind of prop. That's doing props. Yeah, exactly. Which I wouldn't mind. Yeah, like a mind of prop. That's fun. Yeah, I give you props. So there you go. That was annoying to me. And then I just ran downstairs and I had a chip on my ass. But what could you do? And then I brought it up to all the other comics in the green room. And everyone had a story of one had up into them. Yes. So it's a common occurrence, as they say. But still, um, you want to go so Bill Burr, Louis CK, George Carlin, should they not, I'm not saying I'm them, but like,

should they not touch race at all or what? No, it's just a weird day. Everyone wants a little bit more and it's access. People want they have access. So they use the access, but this is where this isn't even like social media. This is somebody walking right up but face to face. It's a weird thing where everyone thinks they should have input. Yes, to tell you to your face. Well, you got to think the whole world is curated. I can go on a dating app and go six feet, this age, this location. I can go on the grub hub.

I want this, no bread, gluten free, dairy free. What do you can, but you can, but you can't cure right art. Right. I guess she tried, but I don't know, it just, it'd rubbed me the wrong way and I had to tell somebody. That was she a hot lady. Very attractive.

Wow, interesting. Cause you wanna be like, why don't I, I got some ideas, I could fucking do something fun, something smooth, you know? But you also wanna go up to her and go, oh, I have a note for you as well. The right. My note is don't do this.

That's the thing, and that nobody wants to get that back. Yes. Everyone gets very upset. People wanna just be able to say whatever they want to you with the community. Right. And then if you say back, well, I don't know. I mean, maybe I'll think of that, but you're fucking, you shouldn't wear heels because you got fat ankles. Right. And then if you say back, well, I don't know. I mean, maybe I'll think of that,

but you're fucking, you shouldn't wear heels because you got fat ankles. Yes. They go, oh, what the hell? I'll never meet your heroes. Right. I had a lady once online, we went at it, and she was like, oh, I can't critique your act.

I thought you were like a free speech guy. I'm like, I am, but I'm giving it back. I still have to like what you say. Just because I'm free speech and I think we should be able to say we want. I still have to enjoy it or agree with it. And now I'm rebuttling, which is my free speech. Right, that's the thing that this is happening

in all kinds of events. This like, yeah, but because of that. And it's like, well, because of this, no. They call it that stuff as a wrap. Right, exactly. Exactly. It's all pipes, but yeah, it's that's annoying and I think if the joke Uh-oh Oh, thank you. We get the halfway to have way COVID

Uh-oh, it's see but I think I could watch us terrified. Yeah, he's got his pants wrapped around his face like Clark Rizzwald Well, he's dating nine women You think that would trigger the illness first, but whatever, but I think the fact that a joke didn't work I think in her mind she's like that's why I didn't work because it's about this subject matter. So it's like the grammar see Huh, they don't hear the jokes working. Oh, I guess the it's like, is the worst show of all time? Exactly. We were, we were hiling up there. Exactly. All right, so I'm moving on. I had to get that off my ass. Yeah, I get it out.

But let me just say this, the next night, I got a beep, beep, beep, beep. Hello. Hey, it's Nate. Oh, hey, Nate. Red State Nate, we're Gatsy. Hey, I'm doing SNL Saturday. I go, you don't say.

I'm gonna jump around like you tonight, and I'm gonna run the set. All right. And I was like, holy shit, so we meet up at the cellar at 7 p.m. Colin Quinze or Jim Norton's there. Ari shows up. We're really cooking.

I know. I'm messing everything up. That's a stupid vid. It's just so wild. This guy, this dweeb, this fucking hillbilly redneck piece of shit is going to be on Saturday Live we did the world with him we did the mics with him. We did the creek with him. It's crazy It's crazy and I'm so bummed because I'm missing the goddamn thing because I'm having this silly kid Yeah Big mistake but and then the COVID so I can't even sink my teeth into the pre-show hang all that stuff

It's a bad timing I guess, but oh you could even go if you didn't have the kid imagine that you could go to S and L with him I would be there. I'd be there with bells on yeah, I'd be up there and chair with the foam finger Yeah, but I'm pumped. I've seen the sad. I know the jokes and boy. It's killer and wow It was nine weeks ago Right right well go online food fighters are on it should be a hot show. It's fun because he was like every the jokes and boy, it's killer and wow, it was nine weeks ago. Oh, right, right. Well, go online, food fighters are on. It should be a hot show. It's fun because he was like every sketch I'm in has to be clean and no politics.

And I like, oh, okay, we'll make it work. Wow. Yeah, you know, he's clean guys. Like if my fans are going to come watch, we got a, but not in the whole episode, just the sketches. He's, yes, this is when he's in. Yes, just the one he's in. Right, okay. So that'll be fun.

And then it was fun to see him because Nate's always been like, ah, these spots around town. I don't know if this is worth it. And then to see the set go from here to here because of the sets. Right. It was a fun moment because he was like,

I really needed that. That fucking helped me. I thought I had it down and boy did I not have it down. So how was the hang? Hang was great. Then he's, you know, he's got the, he's, he's primo now. He's top shelf celeb. He's huge.

So we'd, we'd give me like, I'm like, I gotta go to the stand. He's like, jumping my car. I'm like, car. What'd you find a parking spot around here? What do you got? A little discord, a Honda. And he's like, no, this giant shiny black SUV Cadillac. And I'm like, ah, see you hopping that puppy. See driving? No, he's like no this giant shiny black SUV Cadillac and I'm like See, I'm in that puppy. See driving no, he's got a guy

Gloves no glove. Oh, okay, maybe one like Michael Jackson or OJ, but I don't think so No glove. He was a suit on though. Strapping Travis there. Yep. I like that Travis. He's a good egg He's all right that guy normal guy and then a couple you're like can you get tickets for me? So I had to be like But I didn't even mention are you going I got on the fucking cum Guzzlin cruise Oh the Bart cruise. Yes. Yes. We're all dreading the cruise. That's gonna be some tails Oh, yeah, the details of those tails. Yes, yeah, well, we got our you garbage, we got Sean Patton, we got a couple of other people, I can't think of, it should be a decent group.

And yeah, that'll be where we're being high seas. Next time you see me, or hear from me, I'll probably be in the Bahamas. I'll have a son. Hello. Isn't that crazy? The next time we see each other, you're gonna be in Africa and I'm gonna have a child. Woo, that crazy? The next time we see each other, you're going to be an African.

I'm going to have a child. Woo. That's crazy. Well, it's so funny. The dichotomy, I suppose. I never know what that means. The juxtaposition is the dichotomy. Same thing. I'm going to be sitting on a poop deck with a coconut drink. We're in a fullon floral onesie with flip flops and a straw hat with a fucking Somehua with giant tatas refilling my cocktail and you're gonna be going Hey hold on, where's the fucking town? Get me a diaper you fucking bitch. What are you doing? I know it's crazy, but we should see this car seat by the way. I open that thing up. I can't figure it out. I don't know how to do instructions.

Yeah. I can't do a step process. Now, step kids, step nine, step family. I can't do it. Step ladder, yeah, they're tough. So I don't know what the hell's happened. By the way, people are gonna be so furious with this episode.

We talked about COVID and we're three weeks behind. Well, hey, the man is sick and he's a father. What do you want from the guy? What do you want? What do you want from us by the way? Well, you know, I mean you went to Europe for six weeks. You're up say that. They'll shoot me Africa It's a farie now. I'm going on a giant dog boat the Amestad. It's gonna be wacky Serpent Safari We're sorry, What is it? Call in fans. What is it about hearing the stories that happened three weeks ago? Why is that upsetting? They're never I don't quite understand. They're never satisfied.

Because it's not like these are being released. Not like you know what I mean? It's not like you've been spoiled right? Right. Right., you're still hearing the story fresh. Like, when you watch a season of Seinfeld, they shot it before. It's a good point. I don't quite understand why it's so upsetting. And I'm genuinely curious. Yes.

Email me. And then the other option is not do one. So you do pick, and then, I don't know, like that. And this is a small minority by the way. Very small minority thousands and thousands of people. Yeah, I don't think that's redundant. You can have a small minority. Okay, and then minority and small minority.

Gracience, gradations. Like black people are minority, but Jews are a smaller minority than black people. Good point. And then the 1% are rich white people which is even smaller in the land Right, I guess they don't have to be white. They just have to be billionaires. Yeah, but they don't even have to be billionaires I think like I think you're in the 1% I don't know about that. I believe so. It's quite shocking what really constitutes the 1% call in Yeah, so I'm a minority you're a minority. Yeah, all right I'm in that's a by the way that's a sign of a great country when I'm in a minority and I'm happy.

Right. Well, I don't know if it's a great country, but it's a sign that maybe it's not so bad. The wealthy minority's gonna be happy. That's pretty good. Yeah. Straight white male, the whole thing. But any parts, what were you gonna say? You had something? I had to so you know, I was out with Nate, that was it's up now. Small minority. Oh, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Well, I wanna just chin check, which is a boxing term that fucking numb nuts who said comedy, it's too expensive to be a comedy fan these days. Oh, that's where, I mean, with all the free content, with the specials on YouTube, with the podcasting,

I mean, everything is free except for Patreon. No, there's literally never been a better time to be a comedy fan. 100%. Almost everything is free. Yes. Like, as is free, Reels are free, YouTube specials are free. Even Netflix, you're not paying for it to watch your single special individually You're paying for it because you're paying for it like when we were boys I Didn't have HBO if you didn't have HBO and you weren't of age That was it. There was no comedy you had to like hope that it was on you can watch a and E

Or whatever and just hope it came on comedy central or you had to go to a buddy's house and blow his dad just to get a little TV time. Right, so yeah, this is, I mean, times are living. I mean, living, like we did the grammar see, the people that didn't come, you see it one week later, for free. It's pretty damn good. I mean, what concert do you miss? And then they're like, well, it's on YouTube now.

Amazing point. So yeah, this is, this is a high heaven of time to be. Yeah, broken. And I'm not trying to call you out. I mean, I guess I did, but it's, we're proving a point that like, no, you're very lucky to be around in this time. You should realize that.

Free, free, free, everything's free. Right now, this is free. Free Palestine. So, even that's free, kind of. But yeah, so Nate was jumping around, got to see the sec, I'd see the set mutate, morph, and it'll be fun to see it right there on the big screen or the little screen or whatever it is.

And Colin Quinn gave some sage advice. Really, that's my go-to advice guy. He's the SNL alum, he's the Godfather of New York comedy, whatever you want to call him, but he said, you're gonna bomb and dress. But don't let that get in your head because that's not the real world. Now that's interesting because Nate had the big theory, but you got to bomb a late night. So his advice melds in with Nathan's advice Dovetails whatever that means I've heard that before

Dub tail well, let's put it together. Let's figure this out. It's like when something Slides into something without friction. That's called sex. Ah I get some friction. Yeah, I get point But I think dovetail sove, it's a smooth, like, the back goes into the tail perfectly. Is that what happens with the Dove? Yes. A Dove, so we figured it out already.

Yeah, yeah. A Dove's tail. Dove David off. Yeah, yeah. But it's also a watershed moment. It's another one I'm like watershed. Yeah, I don't know what that is. Why would you want a water in your shed?

I got to buy a shed. I'm moving. Oh, yeah. I'm heading down the Atlantic highway. Looking for a love getaway. Belmar. I got to get out. Yeah, I'm heading south or somewhere.

Maybe to the Pacific Northwest. I don't know. Oh, wow. Across the Cunt. Well, tree. That's a great Beatles song. Across the Cunt. That's a great Beatles song across the good. That's what he hit Yoko. What the hell was I about to say I

can't remember. You move it. I move. I mean, I just move I'm still moving new place. Oh, that's what I was going to say about SNL. This was so exciting about the baby. As you know, everyone talked about that you don't sleep the whole thing. There's nothing to do now because it's just a baby. Yeah. So I got the world Series exciting, and then SNL, I'll just, I set that alarm 1130P, I'm gonna sit there with my son,

and watch my buddy fucking host SNL. Wow, it's the world turns, the shifts, and the changes in our life for him. It's a lot going on. I'm gonna hold him up, I'm gonna say, look at that, if you work hard and you're clean, you can really make it. That's straight and quick, Dracon. Yeah. I get married. Done half those. But boy, Nate, it was exciting to hang out with Nate last week. I'm excited for him to do SNL and boy, it's a long way for him and I knocking back cocktails and

really almost coming to blows many times. Yeah, well, he's a stubborn stubborn mule that kid. He likes to he likes to get down and dirty in an argument. Oh Yeah, he goes for the jugular and federal stuff. He fights dirty. He does and I remember him and I being in Kuwait playing one-on-one basketball like just furious with each other like doing that thing with your check and you just throwing it at each other It's just sitting in silence, sweaty, 150 degrees. Even the war-torn soldier like, this is getting ugly.

Yeah, like you two got to relax. We were like, Iraq and Kuwait over there. Oh, yeah. Kuwait a minute. But yeah, so really cool to see and, uh, I think I hit some. Oh, I gotta tell you about Portland Maine and Providence. Oh my God, my home country, the native land.

The New England boy, holy shit. So I fly out to Portland, which is a nice, one hour and 11 minutes. Premium. Can't beat it, Doug. Doug Key, I produced his specials, speaking of Matt Wayne. I put Doug special on my YouTube,

trying to throw some people a bone here. Sure. And it's really funny It's killer shot at the Providence comedy connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's already up to you know 30,000 views or whatever it is There you go. So it's moving Don't say cut but Get out to Providence or Portland Maine just I love that town. It's got that Fisherman on heroin vibe,

and it's gray in the water, and the sea just smell, pussy and crab. I love Portland Maine and Oregon. Yeah, both Portland's weird that they're just, they're like opposites, and they're completely across the country. Very similar. Yeah, well, you know the coin flip, I told that story before.

Yeah. When they discovered incorporated Portland Oregon, they were gonna name it Boston or Portland. It's up to coin. flip, I told that story before. When they discovered incorporated Portland, Oregon, they were gonna name it Boston or Portland. It's up to coin. Oh, how about that? Came up Portland, 50-50, it was almost Boston, Oregon. Wow, look at that Boston, Oregon. Isn't that crazy?

That's wacky. Yeah. Okay, so we get in there, beautiful theater, 1925. The state theater, you get in there a little early. We got a crab dinner I mean a lobster dinner as you do you gotta go Went in Rome sure. We had a guy come out dressed in a sex club outfit brought us a cooler full of lobster Wow, peeled it shut. He's like I'm a fisherman. That's for me. That's for you. All right

So you had a guarder belt on he saw saw the photo, I guess, a Berlin. Great guy. Hella a fan. Thank you, sir. That's a big commitment to a bit. Yeah, he wore it the whole night. Saw him after shook his hand, got a photo and guarded the whole time. No kidding.

Yeah, he had a friend who I'm not a kicker outer, but his friend would not shut the fuck up. When I go, my code word to kick out his taste that motherfucker. Yes I remember that and they throw the guy out and he's like what the hell? You know they throw him out he gets in the lobby buys one of Doug shirts puts it on and does a Hulk Hogan so he was on the moon. Oh yeah that's impressive. Then he bought a hoodie and couldn't rip it and Doug was like all sales are final You know who cares what you do with the shirt you gonna jizz on in any way one day So who cares if you rip it absolutely, but I think you thought he had a win there, but Doug got the money so

Doug Doug goes out at the show and I'm like he's struggling a little bit He's he's got good jokes obviously, but the crowd was just like nah, we don't like it. Who are you? Get out of here. Yeah, it's tough up there. And I'm watching side stage like, oh, it's gonna be a long hour. It's gonna be one of those because you know, you get heckled at the club, you can kind of go, hey, Dickless, nice hat, blow me, whatever, theater, you're like, what was that young man? You know, you turned into full on substitute. Right, right. Yeah, that's tough. In Portland, they don't get, I mean, I love Portland and one of my favorite shows ever was there.

But they're not getting a lot of comedy coming through. Yes. There's a lot of, what's it called? The thing with the dust and this much could kill you. The dust. Yeah, it's like a powder. They put it on the pen. And the racks. Now, they put it on a pencil and like,

this is how much it takes to kill you. Come on, what's like a powder they put it on the pan. Andrex? Now they put it on a pencil and like this is how much it takes to kill you. Come on, what's the big thing? Dust. I think it's dusty. Shine, I'd. No, the big hot drug. Oh, Coke. No, but they put it in the Coke.

Fet-Nol. Fet-Nol. I think it's all through the dust. It's all Fet-Nol and pipes and ferries up there. Oh yeah, it's another world. Yeah, I mean, I spent a lot of time up there and there. Oh, yeah, it's another world. Yeah, I mean I mean I spent a lot of time up there and it's you know, it's a lot of steam punk and and that kind of stuff and It's a lot of people driving in from the the old outer outer burrows

It's a lot of farm and out there. It's all it feels very southern up north ironically. Oh, yeah You'll find a Confederate flag every once in a while up there So all those people came in and they got tuned up for a seven o'clock show Which is in private but they must have started drinking it for sure and I got heckled for a nice 48 minutes and I had some friends come out to the show some family and they were like They always like that. I'm like no that was weird. They're like okay. We were actually nervous in the audience It was just like people falling at the mouth, going, ah, you homo, ah, you know, talking about Q and on.

Well, I feel bad. I don't like that. I don't want it to get a bad rap. No. So I'm sure it was just an off. It was an off night or something, because it's a great city. Great city.

Love the city in the summer anyways. Beautiful town, really cute. More restaurants per capita than anywhere else. Is that right? People fly in for the food there? Oh believe me. I mean we stop off every year up to Booth Bay We go into Portland. I get some cigars and some fish. I'm not a big lobster guy I like it, but I think it's a lit. It's all branding. It's like $385 and you get a piece of meat the size of my father's cock

Exactly and that's had force get at least That's how I'm fit. I'm all fish. I like fish. I like crab. I like it all. I'm a crustacean cunt But this crab was tough and I got a lot of DMs, you know, just like Hey, that's not all of us. We had a good, you know, but whatever I just didn't see it coming You think of poorly think of schooner and a guy in an L.O. Bean jacket. Yeah, I think of exactly Hooper from Jaws. That's what I think of what I think of Portland. It's like a sweater and a little fucking hat,

but I think it's a lot of quince up there. A lot of quince. Yes. Like a doll size these guys. You were glassed over. Yeah, pleasure cruising a gay sailing. Yeah, so we got and we get pretty banged up because you know, we turn into a sailor up there. You start

doing this shit with your drink and you go, yo, blow the man up and all that shit. And sounds like a mouse. We got, we got banged up and two banged up. Don't know how I got home that old thing you wake up in like a I woke up on a Got a pile of fish on a barge My kidney was gone. I was ice everywhere. I was like I got Shanghai the diamond no visco I'm working on a on a fish mine, but whatever so we wake up one eye open We jump in the car we drive to Providence, which I love Providence, I love that town. Nice town, right?

Got some stank on it, the sofa. Sure. I like a little stank on my snatch and get down to Providence, and one of those hangovers where you're like, I gotta go lay it out, you know, we drive all the way there, and you're like, eh, by the way, I'm using those shell cards

like this one tomorrow. I forgot about the shell card, I haven't driven since then. Wow, I've been all over the world driving. I'm all flights, but I'll be driving now. Now with the baby, I gotta do all these gigs that are close to home so I can hustle back. I'm all my openers.

It's on me. There you go, Fetty. And it works like a charm every time. That's fantastic. Thank you, Live Nation, for the shell cards. But yeah, we get to Providence the Vets Theater Vets auditorium something like that veterans whatever. It's right there in the heart right next to the Capitol right next to the hotel over there And it's 10 seconds away from my Marriott. So I run over

Run right in you're start running past people who are going to the show Which is always a great feeling. Oh comedy. What's up, Fanny? Man, the whole thing that's fun. You get the guy out there. He let's you in and it was the hottest show and Doug's a Rhode Island guy So it was a homecoming his his girl was there her whole family was there his family's there It was a site for sore anal he killed it and he's got all the Rhode Island bits. All right, so it just clicked they loved him and Brought me up and they were hot as jizz on a kid's stomach and Boy, we had a good time and then we we had one drink in the hotel bar The bartender was a was a comedy guy's like whatever you wanted saw me so we had a great night and then

Like whatever you wanted on me, so we had a great night and then I then flew home nice That sounds like a good time. I miss it. It's only been a week since I did comedy, but I'm like oh my god I gotta get back in there. Yeah, and I don't have my my last spots were all this week But I had to cancel cuz I'm a sick puppy and now I got I cleared the schedule So I'm gonna go nine months without doing standup. Wow But like everybody's gonna say, the material, you're gonna get a ton of material out of this fucking infant. Well, I got some stuff, I think, maybe.

Already? The prep. Okay. Wow, you don't want the baby, huh? Dipers. Yeah, yeah, bottle, diaper, vagina, crying. Is this something, maybe, this thing? All right.

You know, it's the only thing when they're like, people ask you, if you you're ready just so they can say you're not ready Are you ready? Yeah, I'm right now. You're not I like that. No one's ever like a you horny. I am I'm gonna and you never do that to a woman. You're both naked. So you you you sure you're ready? Oh, yeah I'm ready now you know and then you smacker whatever Put something together. It's a good premise. But I've had fun being in New York for a while.

You forget because you just want to travel so much. And then when you travel so much, you're like, it's kind of nice to not travel. New York is great. I mean, coming back, especially after going on a long trip or doing the road so much, it's nice to do like a daycation or whatever the fuck you call a staycation.

Yeah, like let's go to do like a daycation or whatever the fuck you call a staycation. Yeah. Like let's go to the Astoria hot spots. Let's live like a tourist in our neighborhood. Yeah. You got to come out to a story and see the baby. I got a cup see the baby. I can't wait. That's exciting. I'm one of these people with the baby visits now. The city's a toilet. What was I gonna say? Oh, but I am on the road this weekend. I am in Washington, D.C. Chocolate sit-tay. What a place to get back into your dove tailing, right?

Yeah, improv. Friday sat, we cut the Thursday show down to Friday sat, also I gotta say this, I was supposed to be at the Pittsburgh improv, November 30th and then December 2nd, they bumped me. I wish these clubs made it more clear that they moved the day. You get the shit.

Yeah, because everyone's like, oh yeah, you got the baby paternity, I'm like, no, no. I got bumped by Mike Epps, I believe. Oh wow. Yeah, that hurts. They're a little bit. What did he do? What's he?

He's big. He's big. But what's his thing? Is he a specials or movies? He was in a couple movies and he was in Friday after next, a couple movies for that. I think it was an MTV VJ for a while, and then he's got a couple Netflix vessels under his belt,

and I think an HBO as well. He popped, he's good. Remember how good MTV was for the folks at home? Oh, for good. That was the first thing you put on when you got home. Is that right? Yeah, first of all, I had a bunch of hot ladies on, and then it was cool and rock and rap,

and all the good guys on Nirvana interview MTV news Loder here at first who was like 78 at the time. Wow. He's 106. Yeah, I always thought he looked a little out of place Tabitha Soren yes Kennedy Kennedy. Yeah, who's on Fox? I think what? Isn't she I think she's friends with Dave Smith RFK But man that was exciting you would go home and just just running that door yeah MTV and I remember like Dying to see like the bullet with butterfly wings video or today or whatever you'd be like Oh god, you'd wait for it to come on you have a run video tape on it. I hope it. Yes Here we go. Yeah, I'm not buying a fucking CD. I'm gonna wait for. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I right, that's right, that's right, that's right. That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right. That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right,

that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right reality. More dramatic. Yeah, yeah, less music. Yeah, stuff was much more fun then. It was a lot more fun.

Remember the grind I jerked off to that show a few times. It was just people dancing. Absolutely, yeah. A single doubt, remember that? A single doubt was you. That was on it like 530. We never missed that. That was big.

And that's different. I forgot about a single doubt is what they would go, you know, I'd be like, he's a vegan or eats meat. And the girl would be like, I got to be with a meat eater and then eight guys would walk away, you know, and then they go, tiny dick, huge dick. And she'd be like, ah, I got to go with the big dick and then 48 guys would walk away.

And I'm like, first of all, who's picking little dick? Secondly, that's got a suck for those guys there. The only time they're on TV is walking going little dick here See you later lady look that sucks. Well, I think some women want a little a little learn dick I never saw a woman pick littler well because you go personality because it's the big dick energy Right, you know would you rather be with you or Steve Rogers? Rod is gonna huge dick Well, I don't want to be with me. That's a good point, but I know what you do. I frankly, but I wouldn't pick Rogers

I'd go I'd go bonus. Well, he's probably gonna hog dude. I got six 80s and he's an oak Back in a branch. I feel good. I feel bad. I feel like I insulted you and Steve at the same time That's fine. I'm joking. I feel like I insulted you and Steve at the same time. That's fine. I'm joking I love Steve by the way How about this Steve Rogers has like my keys right now because my parents are flying down to see the baby But I might not be careful. That's porn. Oh Can't show that on television. We have porn posters like we're a fire station They're helping me that we are over here. Some lady or person, some entity, sent us like 14 by 17 foot posters of an asshole was coming in.

Yeah, it's pretty wild. And I think I know who's coming is by the way, which makes it even hotter. But yeah, send anything you got. We'll take it, just conceal it. This should be the show. But this is my time. So my parents, they're flying down.

They've never been to New York City, ever because the bridges and the minorities. But this is my time, so my parents, they're flying down. They've never been to New York City, ever, because the bridges and the minorities. Sure, sure. Coming down to see the baby. And I gotta like leave keys with Steve, my downstairs neighbor. Steve's supposed to be out of town opening for Nate, but Nate's in town doing SNL.

Oh, I do like that. So how about this? I got a group thread with my mother, father, Steve Rogers, and me. Wow. Wow. Isn't that great, Cylite? This is too much. Oh, they're smajing into each other.

Two steves, two huge dicks. Yes, yes. Who's that? You're dad and Steve's dicks? It's Steve, yes. So it's a whole rigmarole. Yes. And it's this weird thing where I, I don't know where I'm going to be on Saturday.

My parents are flying down. I'm like, well, maybe I'll pick you up or maybe you'll come to me at the hospital. I don't know when this'm gonna be on Saturday. My parents are flying down. I'm like, well, maybe I'll pick you up or maybe you'll come to me at the hospital. I don't know when this baby's gonna come. No, no, no, stay with you, huh? They're staying in the basement. I'd chain them up to the radiator. Oh, wow.

Next to the baby. No, there's, yeah, we have the office department down there. Okay, all right, well, this will be, this will be interesting. I am excited to hear how this goes. It's gonna be something I'm nervous But again your mom raised you in the sister and Uncle Dale. She knows what she's doing. Oh, yeah, it's gonna be it's gonna be weird and

God I'm weird to walk in with a baby of like all right. You live here now. You show them around like Simba Yes, okay, and everything you know, I've lived my life for 51 years now with no kids. So I got collectibles everywhere. I got autographed baseballs and knives that have been given to me. And yes, swords and emberbelia. It's all, I got magnets everywhere, low, chocable things everywhere.

I'm gonna have to really move. Babyproof, yeah, you got a lot of trinkets, a lot of swallowable items. Yeah, you got that right. Come at the Sarah. But yeah, well, good luck there, Fanny. I can't wait to see the first photo. I can't wait to hear about how you feel and how pretentious you get after. It's all very exciting. I'm gonna be insufferable. I'm gonna be like, you don't even understand what it's like, you're a piece of shit.

Yes, yes. Look at the life of this, you're leading. Right, you're not a real human being until you have kids, you don't know who you are, you're not your worthless. You can't understand love. Sure. People love to say that. They do say that you meet the kid and you're like,

oh, this is love, this old hag, I don't even care about anymore. Well, there's a lot of studies that the enjoyment of the marriage just goes straight to the shitter. Really? Yeah, while you become like sort of partners and raising, there's less dates, there's less dressing up. I hear people all the time, my friends would say this,

like I haven't seen my wife put on a pair of jeans since 1988. It's all sweatpants and scrunchies. There's no eyeliner, there's no blowjob. You know, fuck for a while. And then the kid is sleeping in the bed. Yeah. All that stuff. Oh, this sounds like a nightmare. I think it's tough. I think the map, I mean, like, divorces and all that. Oh, you sound sicker than I do. I got the sniffs, but I've had that for three days. The sniffles, yeah. So, we'll see, I think you gotta put the effort in. You gotta really go on dates and get a sitter and all that shit.

Yeah. But there is a partnership to it of me and you are in this together lady. Well, it's hot. I love a milk. I love a fat, yucky lady pushing a carriage. Oh, interesting. Like I like sneakers on a woman, you know?

Yeah. And you know, there was like basketball shorts that kind of like they bunch up in the fat. Yeah. Boy, you got a date Sam J. At this point. But yeah, I know what you mean though. It's fun to have a nice casual lady around it.

Just throw around the house. Well, those arms buff up too, because you're carrying the toddler. That's right, you got a WNBA player on your hands here. That's right, by the way, I think Chuck is dead. Yeah, we've been in, because an hour 20 we're out here. Chuck is gone, he died. He's nervous, by the way, we didn't even take,

because I feel like you don't care about illness. Chuck, we didn't even consider it. Wasn't till today that he was like, Hey guys, it's okay if I record from down the street. Didn't even think about it. And he was nice to be like, I'm a bitch, I'm a pussy, I'm a quake, do you mind? And you were like, yeah, whatever.

Yeah, I mean, I feel bad, I get it. I don't want to be said, oh, by the way, we didn't even touch on this. Uh-oh. The COVID. I think I know where I got it. Oh, all right, we'll wrap it up with this. The bitch from Chipotle, remember?

She's the wet market. Remember she was coughing out loud, wet cough. And she said, well, you can put on a mask. Right. I think I got it from her. What a coup. Which by the way, I went to Chipotle today. I wore the gay mask.

There you go. And I took my burrito here, I ate it here, in an office by myself. Oh, really? Only because in an office by myself. Oh really? Only because I trashed that lady. Yeah, well there you go. And also considerate. It's not just that she had someone at COVID, she's coughing.

I'm not coughing. No cough. Well imagine coughing and then getting mad at the other people who aren't coughing. That's the world we're living in and that's what drives me fucking nuts. Exactly. I got COVID. I feel bad I'm wearing the mask in the elevator Chuck is like, hey, I'm afraid of COVID. I don't want COVID my father's gay I go you got it no problem. Yeah, I'm going from down the street. I think you took a nap sure might have got arrested

That's fairly picked up some lady, but yeah, there he is All right, this lady she should put on the mask. She should get out of COVID. It's like cigarettes You get a cough go outside 10 feet away from the building. That should be the rule Kafka and the words of a Theobon coffee is the new N word Oh, yeah, I tried to reason I'm trying to read misery by Stephen King. You know you're a Stephen King. I read a It yeah, I heard that one's a mess that when I heard it's just a messy piece of shit Yeah, I have it and threw a mess that when I heard it's just a messy piece of shit Yeah, I'm gonna have it and throw it in the trash. You read it Everyone told me

Missed misery is fantastic. I started reading it. I'm like a little boring. I get it. It's slow the movie's amazing Yeah, I love the movie that much I love the book it's up to the movie then the book. Because you're like, oh, I'm just slowing down time. Right. I don't know what ends. Yeah, I'm just, I'm picturing Cassie Bates. Look, before it's fun to read a band, I blew it. I didn't like it either.

I thought it was about IT, so. Hello folks. All right. Anyways, DC this weekend, Chocolate Sit Day, go to this website, punchuplive.com. Are you on there yet? Yeah, I got to get out there It's good slash Joe hyphen list

Dot com or so I don't know the fucking website go check it out sign up for my email list You can buy tickets there to coma January 11th. So it was a 13th go check out Joe and Ron on we've brought that back Do the popular demand I can't ditch this guy. I keep trying to leave and everyone's like you got to do it It's the best thing ever you got to hear your movie reviews Here is to hear his take on the flowerqueef. Oh, it's out right now You can go here and then check out mine for my little jacket. That's out there too and I don't know special. I'm tired. I got AIDS go watch his YouTube special the latest one It's great. I got one on Netflix called soup to nuts

Markdormacombie.com for tickets get a mug get a hat. It's holiday season folks enjoy yourself be safe out there enjoy that turkey When magic dries