Tuesdays with Stories! - #531 Steam Boat Willie

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

We're in the studio and Joe is getting HPV - on his foot, folks! Joe talks about the removal process, Mark heads to Hartford and Concord for some kooky times, and finally Joe heads to DC with old Matt Wayne and Umar Khan! We're working it everybody, it's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free when you pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use code TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose... Yeah! Here we are folks. We're back in the studio, lunch, stuff seven, whatever this is called. I think we haven't been here since like the 25th or 26th of October and now it's January 3rd or January 6th. Oh, yeah, Biden was still alive and we recorded last by the way I cleaned up some stuff still looks like this but I cleaned up like two arms full of stuff

But I realized some of the stuff we can't clean up because it's got dicks all over it I mean big chas and you're not, like we're in an office. Like there's people in suits. Yeah, but they won't know if it's in the garbage. They won't know it's us. I know, but I'm walking up the hallway with a jug. Yeah, I guess that's true. So I threw, and some of it's, you know,

a little the noods there. I can't pick these up. No, no, no, no. Covering, Chuck come. Chuck come. There's a zero percentage. Chuck is not coming in early and coming all over the step. By the way, I got here like two hours ago because I went to the gym. I was not I had a knock because I'm just I'm

picturing Chuck with a thong on his head and railing some Jenny from the blog a six foot three poster of a asshole But it must be fucking in here, right? No fuck. We will. I've been in here. We know no sex. Yeah, please don't have sex in here. No, no vaginal. Hello, job, okay. 69, right on that table, it felt sticky when I came in. Wow, 69 on a table would be tough, because you gotta really keep the balance. That's true. That's true. Yes, yes.

He saw something, say so or something. I don't know. Well, yeah, we've been all over, you've got a child, you scared the hell out of me, you're like, I'm in the hospital, I'm like, what the fuck? You're not gonna work, bro. It's the doctor, I'm going to the doctor. That's all just the doctor. I got worried the baby fell down and went gay No, no, no, he's alive, but I got I can tell you about this if you want to just jump in it here

Let's jump. I got a fuck out of between you and me Elaine. I got a foot odor problem Well, so I was I'm nervous about bringing it up because everyone's going to be like, you piece of shit, you're disgusting, kill yourself. Excuse me. But, you know, I go to, I love the steam, a big steam guy. Yes, steam boat willy. Well, I'm just realizing, I guess when you're done working out and then steaming, you're supposed to shower, are you familiar with this? Well, you got to clean off the sweat. Right, and the jizz. And the jizz, and everyone's in there, and everyone comes on each other. Yes, yes.

Well, sometimes I shower, sometimes I'm going home. So you're in a hurry, you're in a pinch, we're coming to the podcast. And I think, well, it's just steam sweat. You know, you just wipe it, put the clothes on. Yada, yada, yada. I got the HPV on my foot. I look at this. You know about foot HPV.

No, yeah, give it a go. I don't know. A guy with HPV came on my foot at some point. I stepped in, come, something happened. Can I see the foot? If you want to see the foot, I mean, I don't want to put it on camera. I got toenails, they're long, they're yellow. Well, we'll get demonetized.

Feet are long. But that feels making a killing by putting her feet on the podcast. Well, her foot doesn't have herpes or whatever. It might, I don't know. I'll know how it works. That's fine. Yeah, so I had HPV back in the day,

because I'm a man. I saw it. Who doesn't? Chuck gives it to everyone. Yeah. Uh, well Chuck's got fucking 14 girlfriends at once. Got scurvy. Uh, well, Chuck's got fucking 14 girlfriends at once. He's got scurvy. Uh, okay, okay.

Anyway, two or three is back there. I don't know what happened. I had a long weekend reflux. I haven't slept. I was called your brat. I don't even know your name. I'll take it. Um, but I haven't slept.

I was in DC and I've been eating like shit. I'm gay and A couple cigars here and there But maybe I'm coming down with something. I don't know, but I had dick warts years ago Yes, well as the herpes and the warts you go to a plant parenthood They put the little white out on it. Yeah burns a little and then it's gone You have those no never did they work. Yeah, that's kind of fun, and it's like, you go once, it gets shriveled in black, and then you go back, and then next,

visit two, gone. Really? That's pretty good. So, cut to whatever, eight, nine years later, I figured I'm done with HPV, I got one partner, and that's it. And so, I go to the steam room, whatever, whatever, all of a sudden I got a little wart developed under the big toe.

Interesting. And Sarah goes, oh yeah, those happen. I don't know, people get war, people get warts. Well, what is it? Don't we have a, jow, what do you call that thing on the foot? Not a callus. Bunyan.

A bunyan, there's bunions. Yes, now I don't know what a bunyan is. I think it's a collection of flesh tissue that hardens. But isn't that a callus? Similar, but I think it's more warty. There's like blister, mole, callus, bunyan, and there's one more too, I can't think. Goiter?

No, no. Bunyan is bone. Oh, it's bone. Bunyan bone. Bunyan bone bump. That's what it says. BBB. Bunyan's a bony bump that forms in the joint at the base of your big toe rub my bun you I'll give Audrey a quarter to Audrey

Yes, there's another one give give a give a give a give a give a look at some more terminology. I got the HPV foot stuff. Oh Yeah, it's not good. It's really it's this planner warts are caused by HVVs. That's what it's called so I had one under the toe and you know I run a lot I walk a lot. I'm like I'm at 20,000 steps a day, so I'm like, that's probably some wear and tear, whatever. Just a hard bump. That was under the toe, that one's no problem. I mean, you gotta get it out of there.

Then I got one right on the sole of the foot and it's under a fucking nervous. And it shoots up into the toe, it's painful. And so finally, I went, let me go to the dermatologist. I mentioned it before, I have a dermatologist who was a tractor woman you've ever seen in your life. Oh wow. Legitimately, top five hottest women I've ever seen.

Really? Oh boy. It's a wild scene. And I try to go for the checkups, the Irish, the thing, skin cancer, Jimmy Buffett. Yes, yes. Whatever. So I went and I said, hey, I got a couple of ding-dongs on my foot here.

And she was like, yeah, I looked it up first and it came right up, planner warts, H-P-V. And it says, like, how do you get these? I'm like, why do I have warts? Probably from running. Probably I'm in such good shape, cardio. There you go. And it's like, no, human papaloma virus,

you get it from walking in gymnasiums, steam rooms, or sonnas. Wow. I do that every single day. Look at that. And people are like, well, why don't you wear flip flops? Zero people and equities have flip flops, and they got me because it's such a nice gym.

Yes, 380 a month. They're in there mopping and glowing and spraying. And no one else is wearing flip flops, and I'm like, maybe flip flops aren't allowed. Because there, I feel very inferior. I don't belong there. I'm dressed like this. It's hot guys and suits.

And just the hottest women, and everyone has like real shorts, I'm wearing, you know, my nephew's sweatpants. Yeah. And a gap hoodie that I've had for 25 years. I'm looking at dick. Right. So I'm like, maybe flip flops are no good.

It's almost like a foot hemorrhoid, you know? Because it's just right there and it's hurting. It's hurting and like I said, I like warts themselves don't hurt, but this is like deep. So I went two months ago now and they got us fucking spray it off with the T1000 from terminate. What's that shit?

What's it called? The, the, the, the, the, the metal, the nitrogen, it's nitrogen, it's nitrogen, it's not pleasant.

It's like, wow. And it stings, but now it's coming to the surface. So it's hurting, it's bothering me more when I'm walking. And it stings more when they spray it. Yes, yes.

So every three weeks, I have like this beautiful woman just spray nitron on my foot. Wow, that could be a fetish. I suppose so, it's quite painful. I know some people are like, pain, I'm not one of them. Yeah, well what about the high heel up your ass? That's true.

All right, we've had that happen though. It's more up here. I see. Well, it's like a rape fantasy. You don't want it to happen, but it's fun to think about. Yes. Okay, well maybe can't they put the white out like the dick on the foot?

Well, that's right. I brought it up, which is also awkward because, you know, first of all, you can't be one-on-one with a doctor, a lady doctor or a hot one. Maybe if she was ugly, you can't, but she's too hot. So there's like an extra lady in there. It's all women at this place. Yeah.

And so it's like, this woman's over here, this lady's over here. And I had to be like, I don't wanna be weird here, but I had general warts and those came right off. And she's like, oh yeah, those are easy. They don't go as deep. Like on the skin, you just, but there was probably me that's like,

you know, I had general warts, because I'm cool. Yeah, she knows about your dick now a little. Yeah, she knows a little bit about the dick. And so, I gotta keep going, but it's brutal. And then she put bandages on, put some, whatever, cringly, they hit the scrape, the dead skin off and shit,

which is disgusting. But she puts a bandage, she's like, keep that on for six hours, and then take it off and then shower. But this is where I'm a piece of shit. I have no discipline. I hate myself. You know me, I've been to the gym in over a month,

and I can't go to the gym without hitting that steam. You're back in the pamphlet, but I'm back to it. I'm dying for a steam, so I go, wow, I just go steam, and then the bandaid comes off because of the steam. So now I'm trying to hobble and walk on my heels and my fresh wound and it hasn't been six hours, only four hours. So I think I'm gonna spread all over my nipples and ask because I have no discipline Jerry. You're giving the whole place of pamphlet your equipox. I'm giving it back. Yes. They gave what comes around goes around

But I had the band-aid on you have to cram the bandaid and then you walk with the towel under your foot, sliding it. But you're paying it workward. Oh, that's a stress, it's not bad. But yeah, you're putting it back in the system. But she said, she's like, gyms are disgusting. She's like all skin stuff comes from there, ringworm, disease. She's like, you're out of your mind,

you shouldn't be going to the gym. Well, I'm gonna use that if I get a Clavidia, that a gym. That's what you should do, yes. Yes, there's an elliptical. Yeah, there you go. So now I go as soon as I'm done, but I gotta add more time to the gym visit,

because I'm in the shower. I lay on my back in the shower with my foot, I've been blasted off, so now I got, you know, ringworm and herpes on my back. Well, can't we get you a flip flop? That's your Christmas gift from old Papa Norm here. I'm telling you, no one's got flops over there. I'm getting you a flop.

Yep, all right, you're getting me a flop. You got me a flop and all the flip and flop around. It's gonna flop worse than Christy's movie. We're going for it. But so now I gotta go every three weeks and they just keep blasting it off. And she's like, I'll give you a cream at home, but then you're gonna put it on every day She's like it sucks and you people forget it bless. I like going there like see it

Yeah, all right. Well, there's always something you know you think you're out of the woods You got a baby cooking you're trying to do some road stuff. We're running out of money Pandemic now you got a footwort footwarts and What are you gonna do? It could be worse, but it does suck, cause the shoe, I've taken my shoe off a lot. I'll leave the sock on, but you're like, it scrunches it in there, and it's like having a nail in your foot. That's what it feels like.

Especially barefoot, the more it gets to the surface, which is progress. But it feels like I have a fucking tack in my foot. Is it curable? Like, will it be fixed at the end of the day, or is it? Yeah, yeah, but she's like, it could take up to seven or eight sprays. Jesus.

That's why I was like, I'd rather have, I'd rather have 48 dickwarts than one foot wore. You could white out it. Exactly. 10 seconds, yeah, wow, interesting. So that disgusted everybody. Everybody hates me. I shouldn't have said this whole story.

Well, when we're done, maybe on the page, I have a callus on the bottom of my foot right under the ball of the foot. So I have to walk kaka. I have to kind of rest on the page, I have a callus on the bottom of my foot right under the ball of the foot. So I have to walk cock-eyed. I have to kind of rest on the, on my morals on the, on the right side of my foot. And I went, took a sander, a scraper, a paint thinner. I put it all on there and it just keeps coming back. Are you sure it's not a wart?

It might be a wart. You should go to my dock. I should, but it feels like a collection of, of hard skin that's just pushing up against the bone. That's what this feels. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like a collection of hard skin that's just pushing up against the bone. That's what this feels Oh really? Yeah, it's like a little hard. Yeah And I can get it off, but it comes back. Hmm. Maybe I'll show you after I don't want to scare the kids Yeah, show me. I'm happy to take a look Okay, you should see this doctor. It's really a sight to see. Yeah, I gotta get insurance

Wow, you can pay out a pocket. That's true. I actually started to think that just paying out a pocket is better. I think it might be better, because it's a one-time deal. The insurance is rapier for months and months and years and years. This is like, all right, that was 500 bucks, that stinks, but you're gonna pay 10 grand over a year. Yeah, and hospitals will work with you.

If you're like, if you don't have insurance, they'll like, just give us 300 bucks, whatever. Yes! And someone in an idea, Sarah said this on a TikTok, or some shit, is, so my insurance is $1,700 a month. What? Yes. That's insanity.

It's fucking crazy. I'm not getting it then. So someone said on TikTok or whatever, take $700 a month, put it in our account that's in the bank or the, In a cruise? Whatever. And then you just have it there.

So you have all of a sudden you have an account, and after a year you have an account with whatever the money is. $17,000. That's good. You go to the doctor for a checkup and like it's $250. And take it right out of there. Meanwhile, it's making money. Yes.

That is just fucking dumping money down the toilet. And even if it's not making money, you're gonna spend less over the year. And then you just take that out and you're like, oh, I have, you know, whatever I put it, cumulation-wise. The problem is, is everyone will point out, if the fucking ward on your foot

turns out to be ass cancer, then you're in a lot of trouble. That's what they do. So, I don't know. And shit does happen, but. Ah, you're a relatively healthy guy, you're sober, you're gay, I think you're all right. Yeah, we'll see.

All right, well hey, good to have you back and I'm glad you're all right. I know, I gave all my stories in the last epic one. I got no, actually I went to DC, I got some stuff. Okay, again, I want to hear about DC, Salcius said he went and the DC improv is one of the great clubs because it's right in the heart of the city. You go down those little stairs, it's right on that main drag, and it just opens up to that low ceiling, dark, wide room. I love that room.

Yeah, I love dark and wide. I love, uh, precious, uh, I was wondering where you're gonna go there. I thought, by the way, I saw the holdovers. Yeah. You see that? No, run on raved. And I was like, yeah, look, little saw the holdovers. Yeah. You see? No, Ronon raved. I was like, yeah, look, little shitty in the preview.

Well, what the hell? This guy hates everything. And then he blows the holdover. Stickeroo. I don't know that. Well, we'll talk about it in a movie park. Check out the movie park, because we couldn't use you for that killer.

Sorry, I had to get back. You fucked us. I got a callus. Could have really blew up that pod, but. Well, I can only do so much Ronon in a day. Yeah, yeah. I got a callus could have really blew up that pod, but well I can only do so much Ron on in a day. Yeah, I got a run on meter. Yeah I got a run on yeah, so let me throw this at your Warded foot and see if it falls off. I hope so all right, so don't you love I to me. I love a good

Deal I love when something works out. Hmm. So, here's my scenario. Great bud. Me and Sean Murphy are doing, he's opening for me. I got a theater in Hartford on Friday and Concord New Hampshire theater on Saturday. Coming up or last week?

Last week, got you. So, I'm talking to the manager guy. My he helps me with routing and how should we run a car should we fly? How do you want to work this? What's the best deal? What's the best move? So I figure okay? Well, Renekar, New York City will drive to Hartford. That's two and a half hours So far on board lunch easy peasy Sean will meet me will go then we'll sleep at a hotel wake up on Saturday Drive to Concord, which is two and a half from Hartford. Easy again, love it.

Love it. Then we get to Hart, oh, we get to Concord, which is now we're five hours up. Do you drive the five hours back on Saturday, then return the car, or do we return the car in Concord and fly back in an hour? Hmm, yes. So, this is the options.

This is tricky, okay. So, I mean, I'm probably going to drive back as a flight is annoying and Concord, that's not even an airport. You got to get to Manchester. Oh, I assume. You got to drive to Manchester, drop the car in Manchester. Probably right. I assume you can check my status on that, but I don't think it's a conquered airport. Pretty sure.

It might be a little regional mini me airport up there, little bread, Williams air. I don't know. Maybe a private fucking buddy, Holly, I think you gotta get yourself to Manchester now. It says conquered municipal airport. Municipal. I don't like municipal. That means government. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, this is like,

it says public use airport though. Okay. Okay, but does that mean public private? Can I get a Delta flight on a Concord New Hampshire? That's the question. Yeah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. I'm like, you could use that in like a Pixar movie for like a character. Yeah. Yeah. It comes in, he's got three eyes, he wiggles by. Right. But I don't know, I'm probably gonna drive. I like a Pixar movie for like a character. Yeah. Yeah. He comes in, he's got three eyes, he wiggles, but. Right.

But I don't know, I'm probably gonna drive. I like a drive, I'll stop, I'll hike, something. No, I'm it. Well, I figured I'm driving back five hours. I'm with you. It's gonna suck. It's a little, it's like four hours and over. It just becomes annoying, you know?

But fuck it, we'll do it. And it's a seven o'clock show, which changes everything. So after the show, you're gonna drive home. After the show drive home. So get back at night, maybe two, three in the morning. Okay. Too late. Well, it's interesting,

because I just did DC, and I just, I'm in the old school mentality of, when I was 25, and you drive, because it's cheaper, flying is expensive, it's a whole thing. And then not until the morning of was I like, why the fuck am I driving to Washington DC? It's five and a half hours with traffic. Five hours back, I could have flown for 10 minutes.

Yeah. And driving is expensive. All the fucking tolls and gas, my ass. Right. So I'm coming off of a regretful drive. Oh, you drove. I drove. Oh. But then you're in the car. You got fucking, you know, the Buzz Cox cranked. Yeah. Wait and I is singing along. We're high five and we're kissing. Yeah, and we're doing the

Oh, you got to hear this song. Oh, you don't know this band. And so we're doing that. So then it's all worth it. So whatever you Decide works out, I say true, true. But also don't forget, you know, he's my opener, Sean. So, if I fly, he flies. Right. If I drive, he drives. So you can, you gotta save a little money on the non-flights. That's two flights versus one car.

That's true. So that's, but I imagine that's a cheap flight. I guess. But the one car, yes. But sometimes those regional municipality bullshit are actually more money, because that no one flies out of there. There's no flights.

Yeah. So either way, so we got a wrench, so we got a bit of a scenario here in Sean's like, whatever you want to do, all I'm down. Jason Katz, the great filmer editor extraordinaire, most annoying guy on the planet, says, hey, you want me to film you in Hartford and I go

Yeah, he goes I'll just drive up and shoot you and I'll and I'll drive back and I go well if you're driving up I'll ride with your fat ass. You'll talk the whole way. You'll sweat then I'll sleep in Hartford and get a car which will be way cheaper in Hartford than is in Manhattan So he's only going to Hartford. Yes and get a car, which will be way cheaper and heart-fared than is in Manhattan. So he's only going to Hartford? Yes. So now you're doing something to help me. Okay.

Finally, so a cat goes, yeah, I'll drive, so we jump in his car. He will just let him go. I let him talk. He's like Teddy Ruxman, I pull the string in the back. He talked for the whole two and a half. He likes to communicate. Great guy, funny guy, whatever.

We get to Hartford, he drops us at the hotel. We shit shower and shave. He goes straight to the venue, sets up the cameras, text me 800 times about thoughts he had. Then we show up, we do the show, it's killer! And we all go out for cocktails after. He has one beer, drives back It's home by midnight or whatever. And we wake up, we rent a car on Saturday.

It was $80. Nice electric car. No, never again. Fuck you, EV. And then drive to Concord. Bomb, drive back that night, got back at 145 in the morning. Couldn't have been better. Now, let me ask you this, please,

because usually these small towns, the rent in one place, drop off somewhere else. They don't care for that. They didn't like it. Because then it's extra money for that, and oftentimes now post pandemic, they're like, we don't, we can't meet your needs. Yeah, yeah, they're had it.

There is a little of that. You do pay up charge for dropping it off, but I dropped it off in New York, which I think is more helpful, because they're're like we need some cars in New York. Right. So that helped, but yeah, they don't like when you drop off. But I'll tell you that car ride back with Sofung, because Sean doesn't drink. I like to get a couple road beers in the car, you know, especially five hours, a couple of roadies, but he doesn't drink.

So he goes, what if we get ice cream? So now we go to an ice cream place, we get the cone, the cup, the whole thing. We're just two fat dweebs in there talking comedy, slurping up a dairy queen blizzard, and we had a great time. And we, the car ride at night is a whole special thing because you got a little music hub and you can really connect.

Yes. You know, you start off talking, hey, you see that special boy that Matt Rive's got some great arms. Here we go. And then before you know what, he's talking about, he just moved in with his girl.

I'm talking about marriage. We're talking about life and love and money. And what are you gonna do with your career and all and it really got good. That's the great thing about the car ride. Cause the flight, you put your AirPods in, you your sleep mask on you dildo up your ass Yes, you go to bed not to mention these fucking beast of shit openers aren't sitting in our section if you know what I mean So but the car you're you're you pretend to be equals

Yeah, you know you let them talk for a couple minutes And you really have a you get to know each other. Yeah, really live really bond of that that ride flew by. He had a chocolate must as he didn't even know it and it was hard to tell him. And then we we landed in and I said, how about this? You've fed quave. Well, go to my house and I'll Uber you to your house. Yeah, you got to do it. Yeah.

So great. And it's some fun pulling up in Manhattan. I pull up right to my apartment. It's 145 in the morning. So there's a bunch of spots. It'll roll over to Sunday, no meter. Sunday rules. Sunday rules.

And then I ubered him home and you're just like, oh my god, I'm sitting in my bed or sit in my couch watching a movie. I finished some movie and I got a cocktail. I'm like, this is living. It's good life. And yeah, we had similar weekends. You went north, I went south.

I was down in DC, Duck Capital. That's an old joke, I'm sorry, I gotta do. So I black people, I thought DC stood for Decapital. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, it's not great. Chocolate city. Well, the black folk liked to add a D to the front of the things, like Dishon,

or a Demarcus. Yeah, you see that a lot on the front of the things, like Dishon or a Demarkis. Yeah, you see that a lot on the football field. That's true. They like a D. Detention. Well, I'm just thinking of things that start with D. I'm not sure I know so, I thought that was a prison job.

No, no. Dervorce. Dervorce? Yeah, look before we do that. Dibri. Davinci code. Ohiverse, yeah, look before it to that. Dibri. Davinci code. Oh yeah. You see those?

No, no, I tried to read the book, but it just sitting on the back of the toilet. Yeah, I'm not into that. You know, it's funny when they put Tom Hanks' face on the book. Yeah. You know, like, well, he wasn't in the book. Well, that was an old, my cap-let joke.

It was one of my favorite jokes ever. Oh yeah. He said when they write a book, and they put the book out, then they make a movie, then they re-release the book with the movie poster. It's gonna fool people. Hey, Brad Pitt's in this book. Oh, that's great.

That's great. Brad Pitt's in this book. Ah! That's cool, but that's really funny. But yeah, Matt Wayne and I had the drive down, and yeah, Umar came and he emceed. Well, you're in the DMV. Ah.

DC Merrill in Virginia. Oh, yes. I think he meant Department of Motor, Virginia's. Ah. That's a tough one. A lot of motor oil. Yes, the DMV in the traffic. Everyone's also with DC.

Everyone just strangers in the street. Like, you're going to DC, don't drive. Right. And you're like, I'm driving, I'm a piece of shit. And then you have that thing, you go into the gig, I bailed on Thursday, because I had the baby, so I wanted to be with the baby. And then you get there for the weekend,

you ever have this thing? You get down there for the weekend, you're all excited, and the owner comes in, and they're like, I can't believe you kept this weekend. Isn't your baby like 10 days old? Oh, oh. And then you're like, oh, should I have canceled? Now I feel bad.

Like the owner was like, what are you doing here? Yeah. I don't know blowing out two words Providing Yes You know you that sets that's how you justify anything. Hey, what do you sell in Purses and times square at two in the morning. I'm providing for my family well. I'm making up gigs I mean Sarah she doesn't have access to my bank account

Ah, so I'm like, whoa, private in Vegas. Whoo! Big hot corporate gig in Vegas. Gotta take it. It's the weekend of the Pac-12 championship. I gotta go down there. And yeah, my set is at the Raiders game on Sunday. Go back, Joe.

That's crazy. They want me to play poker all day. They're gonna give me 50,000. So I'll be right back. Gotta do it. That's not be right back. Gotta do it. That's not a bad idea. It needs diapers. This is a pretty good idea we just came up with here.

Uh-huh. We have something. I got a gig and Amsterdam. Oh, I got to get set the warehouse. It's in the red light district. They're raising money for prostitute. Yes, yes. That prostitute has a kid.

I have a kid. You know, it's solidarity. I'll be back Sunday with the footworts. That's not bad. So yeah, you know, and yeah, I had this feeling, which is a good feeling. And I hurt Umar's feelings, Umar Khan, great guy. Funny guy.

He asked a feature, I said, I got old Matt Wayne coming. He said, well, man, I'll just MC and I said, please. And so then we're going down to the gig and Matt Wayne's like, I hope we don't get some annoying fucking host. I'm like, I know, sometimes you have bad hosts. Now the feature act for those that aren't familiar, they're really gonna, they're in there with the host.

Yes. Cause we're on stage for an hour every night, twice a night. Good point. So the feature in MC are just in there. So you got a bad MC, the feature is suicidal. I don't know, and they really got a canoodle. It's a tiny room, it's like this.

And they got to hang out for at least two hours of the night. So, because no one's gonna watch the act every time. Nah, not yours. Uh, so we go. So we're driving, we're like, I hope it's a good MC, fingers crossed. And we're halfway there before I'm like, oh, Umar's hosting.

I told him to got. Yes. I told the story to Umar, they're gonna be funny. And he's like, you forgot, I've been promoting it all. Yeah. And I was like, wow, it gives a shit about you. Yeah, yeah.

It's, you know, sometimes that's reasonable. But sometimes people give you this one where they're like, oh yeah, I did a podcast about that. You didn't listen to it? Like, listen to your pocket. There's eight million pocket. I gotta listen to your exact one, your reference like right now, your offense.

I didn't hear that podcast you were on. but sorry I did is by the way umar Fuck me up for like 25 hours because I started telling a story we were talking to MCs again I was like it's so nice to have a great MC because obviously umar does his own headlining sure and as a killer feature But he just wanted to hang yeah, which I was grateful for but But he was like, yeah, yeah, I started telling a story about one MC that, from years ago, let's say, who I just hated, and he was like, you told this story. I heard the story, and I was like, I told you, you heard the story, and he's like, you told on the podcast.

Oh, and I was like, well, I didn't tell this part. The guy said this, and this, and this, and he was like, yeah, you told that on the podcast. Uh-oh. And I was like, yeah, you told that on the podcast. Uh-oh. And I was like, that doesn't sound like me. I was like, I just, I told this story, but did him see? I just shitt on him.

Yeah. And he was like, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's like, I listen every week. Taken down. And I was like, that doesn't, I don't know. That sounds crazy. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I listen to it. And he's like, then he told the whole story.

Oh. So I was like, oh fuck, well I feel terrible. Oh, we should get that bleeped or something. No need. Next day I got a text. Oh. I'm a fucking idiot. We hung out in Philly, you told me that story in Philly.

Oh, jeez. Cause I was like, why would I go on a podcast? I was just feeling like the MC, this 19 year old kid is a piece of shit. Well how did he come to that real estate? Was he just showering going oh wait? That was Philly because he remembered me telling the story and just As soon I haven't seen him since the batch of the party or the wedding whatever his arm got it and so Load off my mind. Yeah load on my back. There you go

But yeah great weekend in DC like everyone says it's the best club and I haven't done it since 06, I feature for DiPolo there. Which was funny, because they've revamped. Revamped, and then there's that door in the green room from this comedian. Yes. And Matt was like, what's this door? Is this the bathroom? I go, no, that'll take you right to the stage.

Check it out, and he opens the door, and there's just a couple eating. He was like, whoa! And so it's all revamped, and of course, comedian takes place there, which we love. Oh yeah, does Wayne know Oom? He met Oom briefly at Magoobs. I see.

But they hit it off, I think. Hopefully. Yeah, oh yeah, they liked each other. All right. And well, they both were, we were all talking music and they were on the same, Oomar is like opinionated all the right way. Oh yeah.

He can really, good mind on that set. Umar is like opinionated all the right way. Oh, he's got it. He can really, good mind on that Pakistani. He can really get in there. Yeah, I don't care for his parents' religion, but he's a great guy. And I'm kidding, of course. I'm joking, it's a joke. Yeah.

Well, he had to do a Pakistani, they made him do a Pakistani wedding. Right. And he said that was hell. No booze. No booze. Five days, no booze full-garp full wacky robes and the four white wipes got to pretend to like it and they're

eating with their hands and there's an elephant there but anyways yeah just a great weekend and then so it's weird when you just cancel the Thursday because you lose a day I like having two days in the town of course you're like me I think I like. I like having two days in the town. Of course. Now you're like me, I think. I like comedy. I like being on the road. Yes, love the road. Every time I see Stavros, he's like,

by the way, a new episode of Stavros is part, the best part I ever did. It was me, him and Bobby, and my God, we had a great time. I hope you were in the middle. That's a crisis. It's a lot of weight coming on you there. Well, I guess Bobby's thin now. It was a real sandwich. What started off just starving guess Bobby's thin now. It was a real sandwich.

What started off just starving me, Bobby came in. It was the Thanksgiving episode. Everyone should check it out. It was a million laughs. I really enjoyed. All right. Be it over there, but what the fuck was I saying about stuff? You did two, you did one night in DC.

Oh, yeah, every time I see a stop, he's like, I gotta get off the, I can't wait to be home. I just want to live like a normal person. I'm gonna go to Baltimore and live a life and see my mom and cook and just go to bed at night and I'm like, this is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. No, that's like the comedian thing. Like, oh, this family lives in a house.

There's a little curl of smoke coming out of the window. They're sitting down for dinner. There's a candle lit, a turkey dinner, and he's like, how do people live like that? Yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong. I want a home in a yard and a neighborhood that's not filled with crackheads and parking. Don't get me wrong, I like that.

But I still like going on the road and doing comedy. The best. It's very fun. The hotel, the new town, the knowing there's no one breathing down your neck. Hey, where are you? You're supposed to be here, and you're like, ah, you just, you just sit in a coffee shop at noon.

It's wonderful, and by the way, I mean, I don't want to sound like an ass head, but boy, do I have a nice cook and act right now. It's hot to try. Is that right? Well, DC, I might have been fucked by DC because there's such good crowds. Yeah, but that's a nice feeling.

But I get all this baby pregnancy shit, which was really cookin', the crowds were hot. We sold out a shirt on Friday, which was fun. I love that. And, we sold out a shirt on Friday. Wow. Which was fun. I love that. And I'm trying to get an email list going and I'm trying to do businessy things

and everyone's like email. No people are like, what are you talking about? What is this? 2008. I had a QR code with emails like, get on this email list. That was fun. We were trying to pitch the emails. So you don't know Saturday?

We did Saturday. Oh, you did Saturday. You did Friday. Okay. Two Friday, two Saturday, everything's sold, which was great. And then Saturday morning we woke up early, because I'm all fucked up with sleep.

And I got a nice breakfast at the hotel. I said, let's go down to the White House, see the National Christmas tree. Ooh, love it. Whatever, walk around the White House is all kinds of protesters and stuff, which is fun, because it's real cooks. Oh yeah.

Anytime, any day, there are straight up cooks at the White House. It's fun because yeah, that's true. But you get to, you got to know Jizz in the fight. So you're just, you get to observe. These people are, we gotta get up, we gotta make signs, we gotta put on a, a, a, a, garb and go out there and get angry.

Well, it was like six people that are just like, let's get rid of the nuclear weapons. They just have like sheets of paper that they like hand wrote, like no nukes or whatever. And then it was literally six people that are just like, let's get rid of the nuclear weapons. They just have like sheets of paper that they like, hand wrote like no nukes or whatever. And then it was literally six of them. And you know, what is this? Who's this for? I think it's just a group.

I think it's like their AA or their like podcast. Or they're like pickleball. Yes, exactly. Yes. They're like, the six of us will get together, we'll get pads of paper. It's a group. It's like you watch these cult documentaries,

you go, who is signing up for that? Who is doing that? You're like, people need a group? Yes, we're lucky. We're very lucky. We're very lucky. We're a social job. But I love the idea of Biden with binoculars

looking out and going, all right honey, let's get rid of these nooks. I see a mead notebook. They're out there again. Yeah, when I was doing a gig in Seattle this is five years ago, I was walking around the seaport and there was a big Protein big hub. I'm talking five 600 people Circumcision is mutilation anybody who circumcised their kid is a piece of shit

I just walk around my circumcised dick on how about that? You like what a way to spend the Saturday these people go crazy about circum circumcision. You're like, I'm circumcised, no memory. No memory, and I like it. It looks fine, and every girl I talk to hates the uncirc. So, Cirque du Soleil. Absolutely. Yeah, people are like, you fucking piece of shit. You don't have to.

You don't have to. But then I'm also like, well, the baby gets 17 needles up their ass also. They can't seem to enjoy that. Yeah, we also cut the embell. Right, and I also, you know, you fucking put cute tips in their ear, you cut their toenails off, you put things in their asshole.

Right, right, the woman's on heavy drugs. What do you call that, dilate? Or what's that word? Violate. That's... Violate women. What is that one? She's a epidural.

Ah, the epidural, that's no joke. What does it mean? I pretend to know what that means? It's a needle in the back. They shove a needle right in the back. It's basically an IV Huh, and then it goes into it's like an IV into your spine whoa and you press a little button and it soups you up with drugs Oh, is that right? It's quite something better than an EV It's just crazy that someone thought of that. Yeah, they thought of everything. We're in a nice time. I mean, we really are.

The end times, but still a nice time overall. Well, we say the end time. Everybody's like, oh, the world is ending. It's all on fire and division, but I'm like, the reason you're allowed to have all these opinions is because we live in a nice place. Right. I know that's controversial.

Right. But also everybody keeps moving here as well. So that's gonna tell you something. Yeah, it's a hell of a country. Nice cut. Did you hear that, did you hear that Venezuelan migrants came to Chicago and left?

No. Yeah, and it's like a headline on the paper. It was like migrants leave Chicago and they say it's the horrible living conditions. I was like, that's, that can't be. Is that like an onion thing, but it was true. Ah, that's really funny. That's good stuff.

I mean, it's like a gag, like a babble on B or something. That's one of our best cities. That's what I said. Like, God, imagine they went to Baltimore and bumped into Uber. Oh, you got to fly right out of there. You see that? He's like, hey, he looks like us. We got to go. But yeah, oh, see that he's like hey, he looks like us. We got to go

But yeah, oh my great hang Wayne great hang. I don't know what the hell I was talking about DC What else happened Saturday? Oh, we went and saw the holdovers yeah, and Just sappy horse shit. Yeah, it's didn't get it. I didn't like it. I don't care. It was fine I liked it. I like whatever you guys thought I thought okay. Okay. But, I love a movie, because now with a baby, everything is like, whoa, a movie! Yeah, yeah, exactly. Movie, baby! Everything's a treat, it's a field trip. It's very fun, I love going to the movies,

we hit a Chipotle, you walk around, you get your 20,000 steps in, it's fucking fantastic, and those shows, my god, they killed, killed shows. And they do it right, they treat you well, you get a little meal in there, I love it. Did you stay right in the in the city right by? Right across the street. Mayflower. High class and then so of course. Gayflower. So Saturday or Friday, I'm sitting in the hotel. Uh-huh. Sitting in the hotel. Oh, Dustin Nickerson. Hey, I'm in DC too. And I go, all right, nice. Glad to see you.

All right, good, whatever. Nice. Yeah. And then, uh, uh, uh, Salacus. Hey, I'm with Dustin Nickerson. Hey. What the hell's going on here? It's a party. They're with Taylor Tomman said over at the, the, the arena. I would shoot the big, big boy at the, uh, the Tyson. Is that right? Chicken. Yeah. It's a big, that boy at the Tyson. Is that right? Chicken. Yeah, that's where Shane Gillis did his. It's a big, but the inner,

soliloquy, what do you call that? Just tripleteered, crazy room. I know, it's always funny when you're in a city and you get the, and you're like, hey, what are you doing in town? And I'm doing the Georgetown basketball arena. Yeah, I know. Nice. I know.

I know, I saw Schultz is in Melbourne and Sam's in Melbourne. Okay, Schultz is over there and he's like, yeah, he's doing the Delta airplane hangar. You know, I'm like, okay, he's doing four over there. It's 9,000, 9,000 seats. But anyways, I said, hey, well, you guys gotta come by if you want, hang out, whatever. I'll be there. And they're like, get us on the list, which is, it's just, I'm like, Dustin's poster is all over him. Like, I don't even get in. Yeah, you'll be fine.

But, so that's fun. In between shows, you get the knock on the green room door and they come in, they've also got moustaches, like, a pair. It's like Mario Brothers. That's fun. And we crammed in there. Umar, Dustin, Sal dust in salicuse Wayne and we just had a bunch of chuckles and you can always shit on salicuse he'll just take it he loves it he loves it and yeah he's such a great laugh great laugh great present never in a bad mood you ever seen him be like ah shit's just not going my way no never once plus he's got the Hawaiian shirt he debuted a new shirt he's going full cramer by the way he's he's leaning in and he, never once. Plus he's got the Hawaiian shirt. He debuted a new shirt. He's going full-cramored, by the way. He's leaning in and he loves it.

Yeah, and he's kind of like, he's bringing the camera. I got a show here tonight and he goes, nah, nah, I left at the hotel. Yeah. And I'm like, you could have really helped me out here, but. Yeah.

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website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the

website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the website. You can't just go to the And we open for Louis special there. That's right. Which we both appear in and Chris rock and I believe Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy to Lerius special. Yeah, so I was over there years ago and we had a night off and I said hey

I'm at this hot room with this hot comic. Let me pop down to the DC improv and it was Pablo Francisco So this is probably 2012-13 so he was like a hot ticket right sold out the whole weekend and I've heard all about him You know in a world. He did the movie guy movie voice So I said, yeah, let me go watch some comedy I go in and I go hey One please I'm a comedian and they go yeah, that'll be $6,800 or whatever. And I was like, I'm a comic, I come at the DAR and they go, we don't care.

And I go, oh, I'm a comic. I thought that's how it went because at the seller used to go in and go, I'm a comedy to put you on the bench. Yes. But I think that's over. Some comics have been in that bench for a long time. Benchwarmers. But that, I think that's done because they used to be nine comics in America. Now there's nine million. Yeah, I do. We could just get in. I think maybe

in a huge club with his empty seats, but that DC improv is pretty tight. It's pretty tight. And he was sold out to the rafters, but I was like, oh, my cow, I'm doing the DAR with Schumer, you know, and they were like, yeah, who cares? But let me, let me talk to the manager and this lady came out and she goes, we're not really in the business of giving out free seats. Wow. And I was like, I get that it's a business,

but I'll stand in the back and she was like, ah, okay, and I just stood in the back. Now maybe he had a percentage deal and his people didn't want people walking in. Because I remember that years ago, like back in oh six, Louis was doing a Sunday, the comic fiction, it was when he was breaking, but hadn't exploded. And it was a thing where I think they were a little bit shy about giving out good deals.

Oh, and I think his people, you know, they were like, we want whatever it was, 90% of the door, whatever. And they had the click. Because I remember every comic wanted to get in for that. And they're like, there is absolutely no hanging out in the back. Wow. Because the club was going to be like, they were going to, Louis people were going to be like, Hey, who's that guy?

$10 for that guy. Right. And then I, no, no, he's a comic. And so maybe that was the deal. That might have been it. But I, and if they would have told me that, I would have understood. But I remember at the time I was like, it of weird they won't let me in yeah, fuck off Yeah, I was just thinking about when we were in DC together so many great memories

You're me Austin and DC. I have a lot of great memories. I think from that Louis tour. I remember the D What was Austin Austin? We walked across the bridge. We walked all the way to South Congress Which I try everybody up there. I remember walking across that bridge the sun was setting. We did Morgan Murphy Yes, we did Morgan Murphy. Yes! We did the ACL. The KCL. ACL Austin City Lim. And that was the, I shouldn't tell the story,

but the famous fart on the bed. The fart on the bed story, that one's known, but then we had a moment, yeah, maybe we'll cut this, but we were in the jet and we were talking about Louise. Oh, that was a great one. We were talking about Louise Special and he said, well, I think hilarious.

Maybe that's my weakest special. We both went, what are you crazy? This bit, the comedy stores. This bit. And he goes, oh, maybe you're right. Maybe that is great. And he goes, well, maybe the comedy stores my weakest. And both of us just looked out the window.

Yeah, what is that? Horizon? I got a seatbelt out there. Which by the way, I recently rewatched that comedy store a while. And it's better than I remember. Oh, really? For some reason, I was a horizon. I got a signal up there. Which by the way, I recently rewatched that comedy store walk, and it's better than I remember. Oh really? For some reason, I was very disappointed. I didn't know Louis at the time.

I was a huge Louis fan. I just thought it wasn't up to snuff. But as I watched it, I was like, this is better than I remember. I remember he had the, the, this Wizard of Oz bit, and I hated it. I like that one now. Okay, maybe I'll rewatch.

Yeah, I really watch. Well, the thing is, his bar was so high. It was a high bar and it felt like him just kind of threw something together as well. It felt like at the time. Exactly. We were doing that hour a year thing. They, some say, ruined comedy.

Yeah, I don't think that's what's ruined comedy, but it's, I think it's the minute a day is what's ruined in comedy. Ah! But, which, we equals not to be an hour a year. That's true. Well, Louis says that the clips are ruining it. And Seinfeld says the hours are ruining it. So everybody's got their opinion.

Well, it's a weird thing because, well, the clips, though, I can make a much better argument that the clips than the hour. How is an hour gonna ruin comedy? Well, because a special is not a special, and everybody can put one out on YouTube, so there's no gatekeeping. Right.

And people are writing to get to that hour, so the quality has gone down. Right. That would be the hour argument. Right, but to me, it's like a bad hour is always gonna be, a bad hour, and a good hour is always gonna be a good hour. Whereas the minute it just makes people wanna get, like, it just makes people's attention span shorter, and it makes them go, ah, nothing's happened yet.

So it gives them a five second attention. Sure, sure. And plus, it feels like with the thing of like, I gotta feed this, I need something every day. Yes, yes. That's quality going down. Because over the course of a year, or a year and a half, two years,

you can put together an hour, but the idea of like, give them something each and every day, is like, eventually, it's just gonna be like, plus, you don't wanna give away the best stuff, because you wanna stay that for your hours. Yeah. So then you have these clips, like,

we've talked about before, where literally it's like a person kicking somebody out. That's the clip. They're literally like, get outta here, you drunk fucking beat it, and a person kicking somebody out. That's the clip. They're literally like, get out of here, you drunk, fucking beat it, and then date scroll. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

But, both are also bad. But also, it's crazy, because there's just so many hours. So many hours and so many clips, like it's like you said, our feed used to be sunset, baby, puking, hot lady, and now it's just, where you guys from? How long have you been together? What do you do for a living? And that's my whole feed now.

Yeah, I've seen people like picking stuff up off of people's tables and stuff. Yeah. Where, where, where does this end? I know, that's why I always tell people, and now we're getting to comedy inside. But I'm like, shoot an hour and clip that. Just so you're not putting out,

you put an assault shaker up your ass from the funny bone. Right. That, I mean, exactly. I mean, that's, that to me makes much more sense and material. But also, I think this happens too, as people get so into the crowd work, then they see the material from the crowd work person. They're like, what's the fuck is this?

Short money. What the hell is going on here? I know, you go out and see the guy at the improv, and you're like, that's like is this? Short money. What the hell is going on here? I know, you go out and see the guy at the improv and you're like, that was it? That was the act? Never again. But wait, what were we about to say? Louis, well, anyways, that was funny

because he was like, maybe that's my weakest and we just were like, we couldn't even think of something to say. Yeah. Which is also dangerous when you're trying to figure out your weakest hour. I know. Eventually, you're gonna have to trying to figure out your weakest hour. I know. Eventually, you're gonna have to get to one

that is the weakest. That's true. So it was a little awkward, but looking back, it's much better than I remember. Okay, well I do remember that was such a magical weekend and such a, was that also was a DC? That was coming back from Austin. Okay, that was such a great one.

Maybe it's the DC, because that was we did a private jet and he cracked open this old-ass whiskey. I mean, it was like a 50 year old whiskey and he was saving it for a special occasion. He felt so good. But we did four. He did four sets at the D. A. R. and it wasn't happy with the first three. And the last one, it was just magic. He just got it. Yes. So it was like this special night. We fly back, he cracks that whiskey and I remember in mid air whiskey in hand, I had a little buzz going from the two or three glasses of whiskey I had and just thinking, this is fucking him. I'm with my pal. I'm with the greatest comic on the planet where in a jet, I'm drinking an old whiskey. It doesn't get any better than this.

It was awesome. I don't know if you and Louis were pals at that point. I was talking about you. I know. I switched a room. I don't know if you and Louis were pals at that point I was talking about you. I know it was a little switcheroo. I did a switcheroo But yeah, that was really glorious and DC was so because remember we watch our we had cigars We were talking to the sick of service guys. That was insane. We were throwing the orange back and forth That video still exists somewhere. I think Rachel was on the show. Oh, yeah, or no, Lynn Lynn Coppets. We went to the Georgetown game, Berkowitz got us tickets. Oh, we went to the open mic in the big hunt. Oh yes.

The script fact Chris Al was there and he told Louis he was a genius and we all went, ah geez. Yeah, I think he told us the same. Yeah. Man, it was just fucking glorious. And I was there before with Louis and Michelle Wolf. Cause that was like later when I would become quite close

with Louis. But that was one of the first weekends I did. First gigs I did was me, Wolfe, and Louis. And I remember we went out to like steak and Michelle had to go. And I was like, I kept having these six, Louis and I have a lot of things in common, obviously. So I was like, yeah, you go, I'm gonna walk. I'm like, I love DC.

I'm gonna walk by the White House. And he was like, oh, well, I like walking around DC. Yeah. I was out with you and I remember being like, oh my God. At least I, we talked, you know, Nixon administration and I was like, I know, that was crazy.

And I was a Spiro Agnews. I was like, how the fuck you say his name? And he's like, oh, you know Agnew? And I was like, oh, I know Agnew. And it was so exciting. I was like, oh my God, I'm talking politics with Louis and DC. This is crazy. That was, I oh, you know Agno? And I was like, oh, I know Agno. And it was so exciting. I was like, oh my God, I'm docking politics with Louis and DC. This is crazy. That was, I remember when you started,

we've covered all this for, but I remember when you started working with him. He went down and saw you and you did the threesome joke. The threesome, that was big. And he loved it and then you guys went up and chatted. And I remember being like, what, what, what, this is all pre-cancel, pre-everything. So it was like, this is Louis. Like this is a celebrity. This is a guy-cancel, pre-everything, so it was like, this is Louie.

Like, this is a celebrity. This is a guy's at the Oscars. He's a filmmaker. He's got the biggest TV show. Cover of Rolling Stone. Cover of Rolling Stone, like Joe Walsh's song, and you're sitting in chat with him, and you're a schmuck from Whitman. And I'm a cum-guzzler from New Orleans, Louisiana.

So just the fact that we're canoodling with this piece of shit was insane. It was wild and then I think I remember calling you or texting you or or jerking off on you because he was like, he was like, don't you have a yellow one with the podcast with Mark Norman? And I was like, I heard him being like, he knows who we are.

Holy shit, this is crazy. That, do you ever think, and now I'm gonna get a little woo woo, Kleefe, but, uh, that flight back, that happened, the D-A-R thing happened, not all of it was filmed, whatever. You fly to Tudorboro, you get into a car,

you go to your house, it's all over. We've had a million nights like that, a million clubs, a million hotels, a million flights a million flights they all just just just fluff away they're fluffed away all that's real is the moment here which is also pretty good by the way true but don't you wish you had a I that's one thing I like about the phone cameras I hate all the filming and all the rady people out all the carons and all that shit but like it is nice to have a lot of that documented. Yeah, of course.

I said this all the time when I go on these trips, it's like, I'm taking photos, some of you post of course, but a lot of you take just for the memory. Like when I did that whole 2017 tour, we went to Europe and everything, and I took photos of every single hotel room just so you can go back and be like,

wow, that's the room look like. Yeah. It's like, I'm not showing anyone posting it, but you go back and be like, wow, that's the room look like. Yeah. It's like I'm not showing anyone posting it, but you're like, oh wow, I remember that bed. Yeah. I remember that cloth. And boy, that was unbelievable. And now you just continue to be friends with these people.

Now you see Louie and you're like, hey, what's up Lou, or show me, you're like, hey, Amy, how you doing? Right. It's pretty unbelievable. It really is. Also, I don't know when this time will be But anytime we want we can go back and relive our own telling of these stories because of the podcast

Ten-year diary. It's a great point you ever you want to just spin a wheel and go like oh 2015 Oh, wow, I did Columbus and I got heckled and I banged that guy or whatever, you know, you want to see that because it just goes away. You forgot, and you live that moment, that all happened and it's gone. Well, you know what I mean, fun is when's the first mention of May? Like May had to come into the podcast at some point. You know what I mean? And you have like engagement stories and That's true. That's true.

You know what I mean? And you have like engagement stories and... Yes! pregnancy and Schumer and like, we weren't even headlining what we were doing this thing, which is crazy. Oh my God, that's wild. I mean, I think, I'm getting, I'm getting misty.

I mean, it's pretty crazy. I mean, I don't know when, well, I guess we started it late in 20s or 30s, because I'm like, we did like Hartford, you featured for me at City City. I know, I know. I know I know which is crazy Which I think that was pre podcast, but don't you wish we had that I'm like, well you really killed with that 20 men Oh my god

We got a hammered after and I think we yelled at the guy because he wouldn't give us more beer Yeah proud of some they didn't throw anyone out and we had two old bags in a hotel room one time That was something to forgot about that a couple of 52 year old ladies with like pantyhose and yeah I mean they were like Grandma's I remember one at her foot. It was like Mrs. Robinson in there. You went in the bathroom for a minute Yeah, yeah, I was doing some fingering. It was dusty. That was pre-podcast Those were wild she was talking about the the Civil War. It was crazy But yeah, those are some wild that was in Midtown too.

We just went right up to their hotel and they're like, oh yeah, knitting. Sorry about my macrame. I think it was after like a private gigant Caroline. Yeah, it was. It was. We took these two old bags up to their suite. Oh, that's funky.

Also, we did Providence together. Remember we did? It was like a rock band too. We got shit house in the built-more hotel. We were hammered. I played you the Charlie Chaplin video. I said that to 50 people. I got yelled at the next day.

Yeah, we watched a shit-happling video. And we were in like a suite. Yeah. I remember being hammered. I was off of that. I remember being like, do you like me? Am I annoying? Oh, yeah.

I kept showing you a Chaplin video and I was like, I love the video. I was like, look at my geniuses. Yeah. Are you looking and you were like, oh yeah. And I was like, you hate me. Am I annoying? Oh yeah. I kept showing you a chaplain videos and I was like, look at my geniuses. Yeah. Are you looking and you're like, oh yeah. And I was like, you hate me. What's happening? And then there was, you know, my old apartment, the Samoa, the Samoa, the Groucho Marksville films. Oh yeah. And the sleepovers. We looked when standups stood out one time. Yes, yes. We went the. Oh, God. We went the next day. We went to Applebee's and then we went and bought you an air conditioning. Oh, yeah.

A J.P. Morgan or a J.P. what's it called? PC Richard. PC Richard's. I always confuse J.P. Morgan and PC Richard. This is what we're doing well financially. Yeah. I dropped off $50,000 on an air conditioner at PC Richard. Could that be a bit probably not.

That's pretty good. I mean, I think it's a local thing. PC rich. Oh, is it? Yeah, I didn't have that when I was begging. Oh, all right. And then Chuck came into the pod. What was that?

Four years ago, five years ago. I think like two years ago. Two years ago. Well, it feels like eight. I would always do that list too. It's like Becky Benji, Sharon Friedman, who forgets Shelby, black Lou for 10 minutes. Oh yeah.

Back to Shelby again. Yeah. Shuck, then Shelby again after Chuck, hopefully. Yeah, that's wow, it's been a wild ride. And it just, it all comes and goes, but it's sometimes I'll get, you know, they say in a flight, because you're altitude is high you get more emotional. Fun fact I don't know what that's about they also say food loses flavor. Is that right? Yeah it's a fun fact or effect but I'll

I'm such a phone addict that I'm I have no Wi-Fi and no one's texting me that I'll just go through photos. I do the same thing. And sometimes you get to 2014, and you're like, Nick Turner. That's me and him like, eh, you know? And that was a huge part of my life. A guy I do and he's gone and has kids. And the whole thing's wacky. I do that all the time.

I had this yesterday, I was shitting. I'd look at photos because I'm trying to stay away from social media as much as I can. It's difficult. So I'll look at photos and it has the thing where it pops up faces, you can click on a face. Oh yeah. I have photos of us in Montreal, whatever year that was,

2010. Oh, that was the first time we went there. Those aren't on the phone. That was crazy. That was when I learned a lot about you that weekend. That was when we were going up and I was like, we're gonna have so much fun. This is gonna be great.

And I didn't see you one time. I was like texting him like, where are you? What is going on? I think I was knee deep and gush. I was with Tom Dustin O'Fear, Eisenberg. And I was like, you gotta meet Norman. He's the craziest. He's the best.

We're in best puns and I was like, where the fuck are you? This is like that poof of smoke that Homer Sips had has when they're like, you know, there's free clams at the bar. You know, well then we had, of course, when we were with Bjorn and the St. Patrick's Day, that was the first real, that's why you're like, I'll be there, I'm like, wait, and I thought,

I'm only going, cause you're going. And the rammed 18ies. Yeah, you fucked me, that was a different one than you also blew off. But then we drove to Boston the next day and really hit it off. Yeah, that was a car back to car ride. Full circle. You can really chop it up in a vehicle. Well, I always say you're never really friends with a comic

or whatever job you have, probably. When you tell you go for a car ride. It's true. It really is true. Because you have to find the comic ground. You're in a car. You have to. You have to make it work. Which is kind of a symbol for America because before everybody would just sit together and now we're all included, not included,

what's the word secluded in our phones and people don't even interact anymore. Like the dating world is fucked up, people are having suicide, depression's way up, there's no social, we're social beings. So the best way to get two people to agree is to put them in a car May we see to take Jews and Palestinians and put them in a small piece of land. I love it. I start to get along. Yes Land just cram all in a small space. Yes, that's that's not bad. Never had a problem with the space in the land over there

But boy what other fun memories do we have? By the way, I have to say, because the people are gonna write to us. It's not Joe Walsh, I think it's Dr. Hook. Oh, sorry. Is that right? Look that up. I think you're probably right.

I think it's Dr. Hook and the medicine show. I'm gonna go with the role. Which is funny, because they only have one hit. There's a one hit one. And I don't even think they made the cover wrong stone. Ah. I'm gonna go with the medicine show. American rock band formed in Union City, New Jersey.

Did they make the Rolling Stone? Cause I feel like they did they? Yep, hit singles, Sylvia's mother and the cover of Rolling Stone. I don't even know Sylvia's mother. How's that go? She was a whore. Do we get a couple bars of Sylvia's mother?

Uh, there was a bunch of singles though. It says Sylvia's mother cover of Rolling Stone, only 16, a little bit more sharing the night together when you're in love with the beautiful women 16 Wow better to love next time in sexy eyes. I'm gonna have to go in there and look at those because it's I only know the one. Why do I think it was Joe Walsh? He has other funny songs. He has um love to change but sometimes that's the one life's been good to me so far. Yeah it's around the same time similar. I've spent good to me so far.

Yeah, it's around the same time, similar. I wonder if I'll have like sarcastic. Yeah, but does that have a Rolling Stone lyric in there? Well, maybe not. I'm reaching. I don't know, it's got lucky on the sale. I got a car in the drive. Yeah, I got a Marvarradi, does 185.

I lost my license. Now I don't drive. It's not there's not much to it musically, but it's a fun list. It's funny. Yeah. Well, it's tough to handle this fortune and fame. Everybody's so different. I haven't changed.

I self-aware. Yes. He's good. He's good. You know, he went after Jay once. You see that? What? Him and Michael Jay had a spat on the Twitter no kidding

his channel go at it with people he really will he said huh chase at honky and then Michael or what's his face Joe wall said how come you could say honky I can't say the end word really yeah then I got it got you know that's hilarious and then then I think chase said, you're stupid in work. That was pretty funny. Well, Tray will troll a little bit, which is fun. He's a troll doll. I opened for Chase, his first headlighting gig ever.

I'm sure I've told that story also. Well, we're doing a real memory lane. Yeah, that's puppy. He couldn't check into the hotel because he had no credit card. He has a different last name. Wow. What are we doing?

He was looking at me. I'm like, this is embarrassing. Well, there's something funny about Kot, where I got no insurance. My license plate has just expired since, you know, before I looking at me. I'm like, this is embarrassing. Well, there's something funny about Cot, where I got no insurance. My license plate has just expired since, you know, before I bought the car and, you know, normal McDonald can't drive. A Napar-Gotsie can't spell. I mean, we're all over the post. Oh, I got $248 million in a checking account.

If I lose my debit card, I mean, forget about it. Ah, it's um... Well, they say never use debit. Never use debit. Because if it gets stolen, if someone steals your debit card, you don't get that back. Someone steals your credit card and they ring up a bunch of bullshit, you can cover that.

No, I think you can fight a charge. I'm pretty sure you can fight debit charges. I don't know, give it a go. I'm pretty sure if you say, hey, that's not me, I think they take it off. Yeah, they can. Someone stole $5,000 from my checking account. Sorry about that.

It was, I guess it was from a check. It wouldn't make a difference between the debit and the check. All right, I feel like, because that's just money gone. The money is gone, where credit is liquid or whatever. Yeah, I know it's easier, but they had it back in my account. Okay.

I think also, I can't, I can't they did they had it back in my account. Okay. I think also I can't you like me I can't follow directions. I can't put things together. Oh, yeah, forget about it They're like step one take the the him it and the hobbit and put the him it inside What are you talking about? To me the I'm with you if it's tangible It's a little easier because I'm like holding the nut and holding the bolt. I'm like, okay, put that together. That's a little better, but if it goes, okay, go to settings, then hit applications.

Then from applications, hit privacy. Then from privacy hit, and I'm like, ah, I just shit blood. It's very difficult, and it puts us at a disadvantage in this business because I don't know where anything works. Yeah, yeah, it's tough. With the phone and everything. We came from a different time.

Yeah, I'm such a tar that I'll like a my lawyer or accountant or somebody, I'll be like, you gotta sign this. If you don't sign this, none of your money will go through. It'll all go to Afghanistan and it funds the, is his blood. I'm like, okay, okay.

So I open it and I'm like Okay, and I'm trying I'm like putting my finger on the screen to try to sign on the line and they're like no No, you got to go to dockie sign then then sign up for a dockie and I go I just give it to hezbollah I'm out. I'm the same exact way and Ron on God bless this man He taught me how to like download this man. He taught me how to like download, then download a second time, and then you can write on a document.

Oh really? Oh wow. Oh, something. I'm already lost. But then some people have the doc you send that's like easy, and then I'm like, yes, yes, yes. Yes.

It has like a yellow fucking sticker. And you click it. And you just type Joe List and it's signed. And he goes, so now that I've seen that, everybody that has the old thing, I'm like, fuck your mother and your parents in the ass until they die.

And sometimes people are like, somebody just goes like, oh, they don't understand. They're like, just give us a W9 and you're all set. Yeah. I just did, I mean, God bless her. One of my closest friends, one of the most talented people I've ever met,

I did Isabel Hagan's film. She'd make a feature film. Some people they've heard. Had a part in it, very exciting. Cool. I've got to've ever met. I did Isabel Hagan's film. She's making a feature film, some of them. I'm a little bit more. Had a part in it, very exciting. Cool. I have to tell that story. I should have told that story.

I'll do it next week. She's funny. She's great, and I love her, and she means a lot to me, appreciator, but it's a film. So a film is like a company, and so you can't just like palm someone $200. It's like you have to incorporate the whole film and the whole thing we dealt with this.

And then, so I had to sign 17 pieces of paper and now it's a low budget SAG. So it's for like $41. And it's like 17 signature. I had to upload a picture of my birth certificate, my son's birth certificate, a picture of my dad's cock, the thumbprint from my penis. I had to have a, your head shot.

Yeah. And I just, I couldn't, and I got halfway through and then my manager was like, hey, email in. He's like, I'll take care of this. Oh, no. Think of once you've started the artist process, you can't have the manager do it. Oh, no.

I mean, I was in my, I'm not joking. I had my, I was in my basement with a fucking headlamp going through files. And I had to pull out, not my first of you, my social security call, my lessons. It was nuts. I literally was going through a filing cabinet and finally like, you're all set.

And I got $33.48 come through. And, but anyways, it was a great picture. The funny thing is, this is the easiest it's ever been to do all these things. Everybody's like, oh, it's so you should have to go down the notary, then you had to go to the IRS and file a claim, and I'm like, somehow this feels harder. Yes, well, that's the thing too.

I'm like, just have the fucking paperwork on set. I know. Or at the top. I know. Exactly. But in their mind, they're like, oh, this is easy. It's just one email like one email I got 30 emails. I can't keep track all I just remembered I have like a big thing like this sitting in my mailbox my email That's daunting isn't it fuck all right. Well, we got a wrap up It's great to be that was a fun. That was a lot of this nice little run there

It's great to be that was a fun that was a lot of this nice little run there Yeah, I'm off the road for a bit, but January 11th to the 13th. I'm in Tacoma the weekend after that January 1920 I'm in Pekipsi like local gig hell yeah, and Fuck I should be looking at my an hour and change away you're back that night. Let me look at my stupid book Let me look at my stupid book Jeez old-fashioned no digital folks. I started a long time ago. Oh Austin. I'm in the mothership February 8th or the 10th hell yeah, that's gonna be fun Do it do some parts doing the whole weekend and springfield, Missouri. I'm coming back there. I Am excited about it

February 22nd to the 24th Good nights in Raleigh March 14th through 16 Pittsburgh improv March 28th through 30th. So I'm going back out next year and I'll be out a bunch so yeah and check out my full mental jack I never plug it. My full mental jacket and Joe and Ron on talk movies. And watch the YouTubes. Yeah, please, forgot to say. Hey, bunch of dates, Mark Nome and Comedy.com coming to you, all over the country, a lot of big theater tour cooking. We might be drunk, but day can't, I don't know. Just check it out, get on the Patreon,

get yourself a mug, happy holidays, cleave it up, tell the people you love them, take photos, and what do you got? C-dog. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We just had the cast of Futurama. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Can you say go? Not can you say go, but the voice of Fry, Bender, Farmsworth, all the main characters except for her. Underrated show. It's a very well written show, like Super Smart. But yeah, funbearablepod.com, they talk a a lot about they just got renewed for two more seasons. Oh wow I don't know how many shows have gotten canceled six times and Afterwards, but yeah, it was awesome. It was very fun. So check it out. Hell yeah, what happens with that is like people are like you only have

Whatever 800,000 viewers. This is a failure and then they take it off and then like oh wait. That's a good number now it off and then like, oh wait, that's a good number now. That's a part of it for sure. Right, this isn't next to 91. Oh yeah, we're not going to put up my panel with Matt Wayne Knight. He didn't let me film it. Wow, I did moderate for it, but he wouldn't, he said no. I've heard he's doing it. He was like, I can't stand it.

Alright! Alright! He's sliding off. That's a big deal. To be the child On the hands of the heavens When the children cry On the hands of the heavens They watch in the music time Please, one day