Tuesdays with Stories! - #532 Cacklebox

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

We're talking "gulfs," folks! The pod is becoming a guide to oceanic landmasses! Joe travels for ThanksG and he's shocked to hear a young man trash talk pep rallies! Mark has another one of his patented travel SNAFUs on the way to Alabama, and plays a dangerous game of "hidden identity" with a thrift store employee! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show & get 10% off your 1st month of therapy athttps://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show & get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.comwith code TUESDAYS - Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS to get up to 15% offsitewide. - Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping athttps://www.manscaped.com when you use the code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose a song. Hey! Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games. Yes, we got everything you want. Brother, you know the name. We are the people that you find

Whatever you may need if you got this goop deed we got your disease You know the story took the bus from Indiana got off the bus and a guy said you're in the jungle Baby you're gonna die really yeah, it's a good that lyric is an I think I said this on the podcast before I didn't know I've never heard that You said a lot though. Memories out. It's funny, we're like opposites. Everything, everything we talk about, I'm like, I think we talked about this.

And then you're like, I never heard this in my life. Even though there's a recording of you reacting to it. That's true, I remember nothing, you remember everything. I remember everything, great John Bryan song, right before he died. Yeah. But yeah, so, yeah, COVID, he was the most famous COVID death until meatloaf, two wonderful artists.

Wow. The meatloaf was anti-vax. Yeah, and then died and everyone was like, ah, you're like, I bleeped that. But you know, I don't get that old thing, I thought we cared about people. By the way, actually bleeped that.

Sorry, I did a podcast, oh, we did the podcast. Our podcast was like, hey, make sure you take that out. She's like, but that's your running gag. What I realized, I Our podcast, where I was like, hey, make sure you take that out. She's like, but that's your running gag. What? I realized I have a gag where I'm like, take that out. Oh. And then I also sometimes I'm like,

oh, Jesus, don't put that in there. I meant to tell you. I need a hand signal or something. Yeah, because at the grammar see when you're like, that girl didn't take it out, I'm like, we say it so much. Yeah. Well, she said that because she's the producer of the regs and we did a

regs episode where anytime anybody says anything I'm like, edit that we got to take this out. And then afterwards I was like, Hey, what the fuck you piece of shit? You didn't edit out that thing and she's like, well, you said that 48 times during this podcast and you didn't mean it once. That makes sense. And I was like, God damn it. There'd be no footage. Yeah. Good point. So it's a running gag and sometimes Sylvia girl Natalie Yeah, that's the one she can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan good kid that big net Sweetheart producer, but anyhow

Ah, geez, it didn't smile. She's fun, but um, take you long as I give us that skank fest video But we got it. That wasn't for her though Thank you one other score for the Net Dog. Yeah, Netty. Netty Light, Netty Ice, Net- Yeah, Net- Nattoly. Big, big, Net, Trials.

That'd be fun. If my name was Natalie, I would come out to the song Battery by Metallica, but Natalie. Oh, Natalie! It's like an Asian saying it. Natalie. Battery. Battle of, yeah.

Natalie, oh boy got that what Not really there we go That's it's not as funny a bit though when you say cut that not really I guess at the end We got a pile up all the cut that's And figure out what's going on. Oh, yeah, well, it's good to see what you got a haircut I got a haircut a couple weeks ago might be no else as a senior and then we did the turkey Turkey, where'd you go? Made it seem like the haircut and the turkey were

Connected on a no connection, but there was a hair in my stuffing. I know my meatloaf. No kidding. Yeah, I don't mind hair That'll love it. I don't love it. Hey, you jumped in, love it. I'm not saying I love it, but I gotta hair my food. I pull it out, I throw it off to the side, I keep moving. I do the same, we'll live in with a lady. I gotta hair in my own ass. You ever had one of these where you go, what the fuck?

That's a 17 inch hair, right my assholes. All the time, I don't know how I got in there, maybe my underwear, maybe she's putting my underwear on her head for fun. But I have, I have pulled out a long hair and it kind of feels nice because it's down the back here Yes, yes, it's like flossing so that's fun. How about this by the way? I just had a wild moment not wild moment what the fuck am I talking about but Jason canner our friends I'm the show guest one of my best buds in the wide world. Just got engaged. What?

In Mexico. Get out of here. Yes, sir. No champion. Engaged. Wow. Engaged. That's a Jean-Luc Picard.

Yeah. Well, he's engaged and they're in Mexico. What? He sends me the news and I go, oh my God, this is great. Send me her number. I got to write to her and say congrats, whatever. From Rhode Island.

Married an immigrant? Rhode Island. Oh, I thought she was Mexican. No, no, they just went to Mexico. I see. Like he went back to her homeland. No, no, her homeland is Rhode Island and she's Chuck's neighbor. So I go, oh my God, this amazing.

Then you ever do this? You go, well, send me your number. I gotta write a nice note. And then like three days passed. You're like, yeah, I guess I should. Yeah. He's with her. And he's like, oh, Joe just asked your number.

So he's gonna write to you. And then she's like, he didn't write anything to me. Good point. And then, but my mind is much to many ways. I write, God bless you. You're the best girlfriend you ever had. I hate it all. The other girlfriends, I hope they die.

Is she the laffer? Big laffer. Good laugh on this bro. Yes. So, Kakale girlfriends. I hope they die. Is she the laffer big laugh good laugh on this bro Yes, so cackel even I'm I walk up here. I'm going to do the podcast. I go to get Starbucks. I get my bucks I walk out there she is whoa I go what the fuck is this how about that yeah out there and And love in every second of it, but how how rare bump into like 9 million people. I know in this town and I mean just right back from the thing. I said where's Jason? She said he killed himself and Single and I said all right. I'll get you some names. There we go. Chuck's here, but

Yeah, right we can do better. He's got a host of women already. That's true, he don't get into temporal cacklebox. Cacklebox? That's gold, a good man name. Hey. Kind of candlebox. Yes, that's right, that's right. Peter Klept. He was the guitar player.

Cackle football. Oh, we're hot, baby. I don't know, probably some gizz. Yeah, it's a sticky wall here. But any parts, yeah, thanks, we're hot, baby. I don't know, probably some cheese. Yeah, it's a sticky wall here. But any parts, yeah, thanks, giving back from the wars. You went up to Massachusetts? No, no, no, Louisiana. Uh, yeah, downtown, all the way down,

southern the Gulf of Mexico down there. And, uh, and that weird, we're all the Gulf. The Gulf is funny. Gulf, not Gulf. funny. Gulf not Gulf. Gulf. Weird. I think you said the same both times. I know. I'm just saying it's weird that I'm I lived I grew up on the Gulf.

Yeah, it is weird. And that's true. That's right. Two golfs, different cities, golf golf. Well, what's the ocean? If what how does a Gulf isn't at all ocean? What makes it a Gulf? Well, it's surrounded by the land. It's inward. It's in, in, but I think it's gotta be salt water in the gulf, right?

It's got, or is it brackish? brackish. Yeah. What's that mean? brackish is like, you know, the tide comes. It's like, it's got some salt. I think it's some salt. It's like the pulp. Yes. It's all shit shit dead fish and trash growing up We used to go to the golf and you're parents are going to the beach. It's brown sand with all kinds of bottles and syringes

And then like two tides at once a day just Yeah, there's and there's like Galveston which and the wave is the size of my dick But then Key West you you're in the Gulf. That's nice. That seems like ocean. It's Caribbean. I guess, but I think it's the Gulf. They're lazy out there.

Oh, that was a lot of work. I don't force that one. I think half the people just thought they're radio died. Or whatever that was. Well, yeah, I went down to the Gulf of Mexico, down to Louisiana and me and the lady. I got us both how about this one Got it. I bought our tickets to the to the to the airplane. I

Got us two exit rows. Let's do the airplane. Yes to get on it and I got us an exit row She got window. I got a aisle the seat in the middle never got occupato. So we had a nice whole row love that got upgraded I held back I stayed in the row. Can you do that? I set up turning it down. I didn't know you could do that, because mine just goes boop. And then you're in a different seat

because I've had this where they upgrade me to a window. I don't want a fucking window. And I don't want to go back. Oh really? Yeah. Interesting. God, just wait, maybe I just didn't ask because I'm a asshole. So I Yeah. Interesting. God, just, maybe I just, I didn't ask because I'm an asshole.

So I just went, all right, well, I guess I'm a window and I just held my piss for three days and shit my pants. It's the worst. I hate the window. Right when I sit down on the window, I have to piss. It's like my brain knows, like, you're stuck here. It's jail. Same. I'm like that was going to bed. Yeah.

I piss. I brush my teeth. I wash my face. I kiss my father. You know, I lick the baby. Yeah. I get in bed. As soon as I sit down, I'm like, I wash my face, I kiss my father, you know, I lick the baby, I get in bed. As soon as I sit down, I'm like, I gotta piss again. Yes! Because it feels like I'm not gonna be able to sleep off to piss in 10 minutes, and so I walk back out there, and the thing is, I don't actually have to piss. It's a mental thing.

It's a mental thing. So then when I do is, I stand over the toilet for about 35 minutes while my wife is masturbating. Yeah, and then I come back and fall asleep and piss two hours later anyways. There you go. Well, a couple of things on that. One, I have that with when I'm banging the ladies, she goes, don't finish, don't come. And I'm like, I'm coming now.

Right, what you say it's over. So if you ever want to get pregnant sister, just, just yell, don't come because I will shoot it right in the tailpipe. Which is fine, because I had the opposite. I had the woman that says, if you don't come, I will shoot it right in the tailpipe. Which is fine because I had the opposite. I had the woman that says, if you don't come, I'm going to be pissed. And I was like, well, you just sealed the deal. There's no way I'm coming.

No, that's it. So, and then the other thing was my dad's got some prostate issues. Oh, boy. Can't stay far. No, just like an ingu-ing-ing-ing-gulft. No, ingu-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing-gul-ing- Just like an in getting engulfed no in go forged. Oh big and large and large He's got an enlarged prosth and he says he's it's pull putting up against the ureth This is just random Thanksgiving full mouthed turkey. Oh

You know and he said he's it's dripping out. So he's got to go get it drained. Oh, or it depends. Uh, it depends on what? Chuck's eating a banana while making eye contact. It's fucking me up. It's growing me all up. I'm in Gorge. I don't care for it. No, no one does. Well, I can't imagine, when I'm 70, I can't imagine.

Because my prostate's already the size of Kentucky. I piss every eight seconds. I'm in pain all the time. Yeah, yeah, it's not good. Old age is a real cum-guzler. But not for us, AI, they're gonna have the machine with the scans, they're gonna be able to just blast your dick off.

I don't want to that either. I think that's the Russian Prime Minister, by the way. Dickoff. Dickoff. But yeah, I think they'll be able to cure a lot of this. They'll shrink your prostate right up, a big computer, All right, we'll have no human interaction, no friends, those sexual contact, but we'll have AI helping our prostate now

We're fuck speaking of which let me throw this at your ass and see if it sticks on there a lot with all the other stuff Sorry, I take my shoe off because the wart ah Thought it was like a Michael Jackson thing people didn't care for that wart talk really bad. I just assume I want out one guy Sent me because I told about my callus and he sent me a scraper Oh, yeah, so it looks like a cheese grater. You doing your foot. You want to borrow it. Oh, that's nice. No, I think I'm okay Okay, I love these people that I have a family member I was like telling about the the plan awards of guys like something a corn. That's a corn I'm like a bit of the doctor four times right? I just go. Oh, that sucks corn bad band

A bit of the doctor four times, right? I just go, ah, that sucks. Corn, bad band. I just, I mean, agree. Admitly, yeah, the worst. So I'm saying all my words wrong. I haven't slept in two months. I can't imagine. It's, they say it's the next level of tired.

Like, you never thought you'd be this tired. Yeah, it's fucked. It's like the equivalent of being like, shit, I was. I keep saying the wrong word, calling people the wrong name. It's fucked, it's horrible. Is it kind of fun? Because you're like, hey, I'm in sober.

So now I'm fucked up again. A little bit, you walk around, you feel a little, whacked out, and it's similar, you're slurring, and you know, I'm like, I'm calling my wife, you know, your name, and I'm calling your wife, my name, it's, it's bad. So how about this? Talk about no interaction, all the stuff. And I don't want to throw teenagers under the bus here, but I go up to Whitman, Massachusetts for the big Thanksgiving, the whole thing. I take my baby to the football game.

His first football game. It's exciting. That's cool. Yeah, he slept, but what are you going to do? Me, my dad and the baby, three generations at the football game. Love it. Very exciting, very sweet. His grass on the field.

And I say to my nephew, he's in high school, I say, how was the pep rally? And he goes, oh, no one goes to that. We skipped that skip day. This is devastating to me. This is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. The pep rally in high school, freshman year, you get, you know, back then, at least you got tortured people through fucking exit you It came on your face, which I liked yeah, but my sophomore junior senior those pep rally did those are three of the best days of my whole life The best you finger girl under the bleacher. Maybe a slip a little hit a hit a Mickey there a little flask and just hooting holler I was a mascot you're talking to I never had more fun in my entire life

You get the chip. I mean, I got photos. I'll send them to you We can post them. I mean face painted underwear on my head underwear over the pants a cape I was running around I mean it was fucking we went crazy you circled the day. Yes Everybody was pumped nobody would think maybe the Maryland Manson trench coat piece of shit the guy skip but Everybody was there and it was fucking packed And while then we had the powder puff game and it was fucking it ruled the best and by the way And then you go to the football game and all the students that do actually do go to the game They're just chatting they don't root for the team. Oh, that's that's like game go to the game, they're just chatting. They don't root for the team.

That's like gay. What are they texting, I imagine? I think they talk to you. Text, they don't go, they talk. I think it's like considered stupid or gay if you're like, yeah, we fucking scored. I tell you, I'm talking face paint up and down. I ran up the field with the line of scrimmage.

Yeah, it's crazy. Chats, everything. Black face, I love the cheerleaders, I love the flips and the who we here for? Quaves or whatever, I love all that. We knew all the chance, yeah, we were all in there. I saw, I was watching the cheerleaders closely, not a single basket toss.

What? You know the basket toss? Yeah, sure, you know the toss. No toss. They're all in sweatpants, hanging up, they didn't even cheer. Yeah, sure you know the toss no toss. They're all in sweatpants hanging up They didn't even cheer I'm telling you They didn't even no cheer they didn't go T.O. You see H down B.O. W. M. E. they didn't do anything they just sat around bullshiting man

I'll tell you flip side of the coin. I went to England. We went to an arsenal game They were doing chance about every player's wives, all these guys called him Homo and Slow Mo and Bozo. It was great, it was specific. B-O-Z-O. Uh, I got a clown. Speaking of which, I got an Uncle Brian I've mentioned to me before. He's the funniest guy I've ever met in my whole life.

Just, are we talking about him once before? Where it's like, one of these guys like he's just a carpenter mechanic guy He doesn't he's like he's hanging out with Com like he has no Influences. He's just funny. Yes, like it's not like you know Oh, yeah, he's he kind of he must have been a big Louis fan. Oh, right. He's just a guy That's funnier than anybody I've ever met in my life. I love those guys and never comedians He's not a big football fan and so we're watching a football game

And you know sometimes they often tries to draw the defense off sides like fourth and fourth. They're gonna do like a hard count And they hope they go ah Ah and I'm trying to explain this concept to him He's not understanding like when they're hoping they'll just jump over the line of scrimmage early Right and he goes how do they do that? What do they say? Hey, your mother stinks and your pants are dirty. Is that gold? That's what he came up with. That's going to make the other team go, why? And he could have said, we fucked your mother. Right. You know, you're, you're a homo, whatever. He came up with your mother's

stinks and your pants are dirty. that is cute. That's a funny insult That's like a matte Wayne it feels like he's very funny guy That's not in this room. It didn't do well, but that's funny. It's clean Well, that's what makes it so funny about it. Yeah, that's the misdirect right that's his shit talk Hey, your mother stinks and your pants are dirty. I've never heard I like it The jump it'll go. I couldn't handle it. He told me my pants are dirty. Pants are dirty. I've never heard. I like it. I say, I know. They're jumping on, oh, I couldn't handle it. He told me my pants were dirty.

That sounds like a fun guy. That's funny. Good for him. All right. He bombed here. Well, the kid doesn't like the kid do. I mean, that's a little stressful. You got to have this little loaf of bread in your hand the whole time.

No, they invented this seat with wheels on it. You push them. Yeah. It's the wheelchair. You put them in the whole time. No, they invented this seat with wheels on it. You push them. Yeah. It's the wheelchair. You put them in the scroller. You roll them up there and he's asleep. He doesn't know he's there, but we got up or it's very exciting. And you know me, I'm a big traditionalist. And so every year, Sarah and I run the road race down in Hingham.

Hingham. Hingham, which I might move there. That's a hell of a town. Really? Oh, it's beautiful. What about the nippy-ness? Isn't that a little nippy on the carry? He might Which I might move there. That's a hell of a town. Really? Oh, it's beautiful. What about the nippy-ness? Isn't that a little nippy on the kitty? Might frostbite out there.

Well, he didn't come to the race. Ah. But I went to, I go to the big race, 730 AM, Sarah couldn't run, which is funny because she just had the surgery and everything. So you're like, well, at least walk it. Because that's our tradition. My mother will watch the baby. We'll go. We'll do our thing.

And then you realize, that's a great plan, but then you realize when you walk, it's gonna take her 45 minutes longer than everybody. Of course. Usually you run. It takes you 17 minutes and then you're like, all right, let's get out of here. Yeah. So I finished my race and I'm covered in sweat. Now I'm just freezing. It's like 20 degrees. I'm covered in sweat and she's just walking. There's nowhere to hide. No, it's 7-11, Cumber. No, she has the car key. She had a purse. So I'm like you take the car key. Right. Car key pants And park your carcass. So I finish the run and I'm walking and then you watch all the runners come in that are slower than you They suck and I'm going yeah, come on finish it up. Whoo and a guy runs by with a King's point sweatshirt

Now this is my friend Derek's Alma Mater. So how you say it? Mater, Mater. Yeah, no are. Mater should I trust the government? So he's running by and I went, hey King's Point, you know, you're people are running by, you just go, hey. Sure.

This guy stops running. And he just walks over and goes, hey, I'm not registered. I was just doing it for fun. You went to King's Point? Whoa. So now I'm like, I'm not registered. I was just doing it for fun. You went to Kings Point? Whoa. So now I'm like, I'm cold, my ward hurts. Yeah, my wife is dead somewhere in the woods. Sure.

I just want to go, hey, Kings Point, I know Kings Point. And now you got a convogue, a stopping chat. Well then I feel bad, he stopped running the race to talk Kings Point and I'm like, I didn't go there. Oh. And he was like, oh, you yelled Kings Point. And I was like, well, I spent a lot of time there back in the class of 03.

I was drunk and I would go there and get hammered. Sure. 0102, 03 back in the day. So I feel very akin to ship with Kings Point. Yes. But I didn't go there and it was 20 years ago. I'm just an old man. And he's like, oh, all right.

While he's talking, his buddy walks up and goes, hey Mike, how come you stopped running? And he goes, wow, this guy yelled out. And his buddy goes, Joe List. Oh. What the fuck, I'm a huge Tuesday. Oh.

So this guy is just walking. He finished the race. He's walking. And he sees his buddy. He's like, why aren't you running? He's like, I'm talking to this guy. And then he turns and this guy is the guy that he listens to. Kuku, bananas. So now I'm taking a photo and Kings Point guy's like, why aren't you running? He's like, I'm talking to this guy. And then he turns, and this guy is the guy that he listens to. Kuku, bananas.

So now I'm taking a photo and King's Point guy's like, what the fuck is happening? So he just stopped running a race to talk King's Point with a guy who didn't go to King's Point, but his body's perspective is a celebrity. That's hilarious. It was wild. Damn, that's a mishmash of events there.

So that was fun. So I did the race, did well. It was fun, got sad. Then we go get the baby, pack them up, get my dad, get my nephew, we all go to the game, it's fun, and the baby, it was chilly, but you throw blankets on them and I had it. Wait, live in New York, what are you gonna do? There you go. It's called, saw my old track coach, and it's fun, you go see old buddies, and you watch the team, and I believe in these. You guys go to the fucking thing that you go to. It's nice. It's sad when a tradition breaks.

You know, when people just stop doing a thing, you're like, we're not going to go do the Macy's Day Parade. You're like, what? After all those years, 100 years, all those memories, all those photos, kaput. And at some point, there's a last time for all these things. And you're like, right, we used to go to the game every year, and now I don't, and I don't't and I didn't even consciously decide that.

Yeah, yeah. And the pep rally, I can't express how genuinely upset I am that the pep rally is not a fun thing anymore. That's a bummer. I mean, things are shifting, the social media is up and the hangs are down. Because it was like a pride and it was fun. I mean, forget, even if you didn't like sports,

it was fun to go and get dressed up and sing and dance and it was exciting. It was just, you felt the spirit and pride and it makes me sad. It's also a bummer because there's no one to blame it on. Like something's like, well, that was problematic. So we had to get rid of it and you're like, all right, well, fuck you, you. Yeah, you have you have a policeman

Whatever now. It's like now. He just didn't feel like it like that's even worse Well, I think I think they're like that's dumb That's stupid and that's like if all of a sudden College football games are like Band blown horns that's stupid well mine it is because I feel similarly about this ozimic thing What's that the ozimic thing. What's that? The ozimics are shot all these kids are taking that makes you lose weight. Oh right, the fat people think.

Yeah, so I'm like, I get it, it's a quick fix, blah, blah, blah, but I'm like, you should just have to do it. I don't know if it's good for the soul, for the body, for the psyche, to just be able to melt that away, eat whatever you want. I don't know, to me that feels like a trouble's a rumbling. It doesn't seem good, but I heard some, I was listening to some podcast, I forget which one, that they said, ozempic, it's not just to like make you less, it makes you wanna eat less.

And it's literally a treat to dicks. It's a dicks. But it's like, it stops any addiction. Like if you're in a phone, you can do a Zempic. I don't know when you shoot it, you say phone or whatever, or this is a different flavor. But it helps you with craving. That's the word I was looking for.

Craving. It prevents craving or steps craving? That's what I heard on a podcast. I don't know who's not going to be in the lower Mars show. Intake of food and it helps with booze as well, but I don't know about a phone I think it's crazy It works for food and drink maybe it works for phone. I was thinking maybe you're thinking about are you garbage? Because Foley just went on it recently and they talk about it all the time really

No, I look I got those guys, but I listen to the show. Yeah, no one does but Foley is a great egg And he's a big dude and he smokes and eats horribly. He drank like 11 bloody marries on a flight once. So it was like damn, that was impressive. But at some point, like I know girls who are on it and they're pretty thin already and they're just like, hey, I'm just nipping in the butt. I'm just trying to stay keep my figure and I'm like, you should have to work on that. I don't know.

It seems like a free lunch. I don't know, it seems like a free lunch. Shut them by it. Well, taking drugs every day of any kind probably is not. Yeah. Yeah, you think. What do you got, Chuck? Says, ozempic, this is from MPR. Ozempic is approved for treating diabetes in some cases excess weight,

but with the surge in popularity, doctors and patients have begun to notice a striking side effect. They appear to reduce people's cravings for alcohol, nicotine, and opioids. So I don't know if it's phone stuff, but maybe chemicals or... That helps too. Okay, that's good.

But the phone is chemically, I don't know, but I don't know how it works. But I forget what fucking podcast I was listening to. It was either, you know, Mar or... By the way, it was listening to Oliver Stone episode of Bill Mar. He's fucking an idiot. I fell asleep, I found it so boring. And he's not a good communicator.

He's a fucking moron. Interrupt, change the subject, he would go off, but you know, it was super annoying. I was so disappointed. I was like, you're like, you suck. Yeah, he sucks. But, uh-oh. Maybe you're right.

By the way, I don't want to be right or wrong. I'm just telling you, this is what I heard in a podcast. Right, right, right. It's not me. It said the way that it works is that, this is the doctor, she said, when we think about reward centers, it releases dopamine.

So what happens is when you do a certain activity, like eating, going on your cell phone or drinking, when you think, when you do it, dopamine surges. And so you think I wanna keep doing that, whether it's indulging in alcohol, nicotine or just, or even gambling, it says. And they said the way ozempic works It decreases that surge and therefore the desire for that activity is decreased

Maybe it's the best drug on the planet. I take it all back his phones are killing us I can't think of what fucking pockets but but the person the guest or the host was a guest I think You know what it was on real time. It was on real time the guy was saying He's like I think ozempik is going to be bigger than AI. It's gonna have a bigger impact on society than AI. Wow. Because it could fucking stop all addiction. Okay.

Whatever the fuck. Opiate crisis to phone addiction. Wow. Well, the only reason I push back on that is because I know a lady, we're pretty friendly, and she is like upper ass on the phone all day and she's on ozemic. So I don't know. Maybe it's, but that's what I mean. I'm like, I, how does the ozemic, she's on it for weight. Yeah. But can you put, when you shoot it, turn it to the cell phone nodule. I don't know. that's a good question. Maybe there's a cell phone liquid.

Yeah, give me the Instagram ozemp. Right, right. Give me the same song. I don't know, but maybe she works on her phone also. So that's what I'm not a fucking Dr. Horace scientist. I just play one on TV, but yeah. But it's interesting. I'll do a water if I can.

I'll take a nice water sure Yeah, you know what I did is I go I went to Chipotle earlier had some time to kill me too. Oh shit I should have hit you up. Yeah damn all right. You want to the bad one over here? I was at no my soda sauce. Okay, I went to this one and You know worse Chipotle in the city blah blah blah, but after it Chipotle I have to have a sweet a sweet. And the only meal. I need the tea. The only meal I have to, I need a cookie, I need a candy bar, I need something. Looker, you're talking to. Exactly, but other than the meal, don't even, don't even cross my mind. Chipotle, there's something that's too salty. I don't know what it is. I need a sweet. The salt you want to sweet. Yeah, I love the brownie after I went no brownie today because I'm a fat fuck, but. Ah, fat fuck but Well, I I didn't know where to get my sweet. I didn't want to get a cookie. I felt guilty about it came up here once with a coffee machine

Hot chocolate. Oh, there it is right there. I had to have it. I love an HC. Oh Let's coach Hey, folks Tuesday's with stories is brought to my better help. Oh, yeah You've been so busy giving gifts to other people, you forgot to take care of yourself! Whether it's time to take a nap, treat yourself to a coffee, or get started with therapy, give yourself some love this holiday season if you're thinking of giving therapy a try, Better Help is the best! It's entirely online, take a quick quiz to get matched with a licensed therapist.

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Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by ManScape. Smoothballs are the gift that keeps on given and ManScape has got you covered with a fresh launch that's right on time. Oh yeah. Their new performance package 5.0 includes the lawn mower 5.0 includes the Lawn Moor 5.0, Ultra Body Trimmer, the weed whacker, 2.0,

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the Fien. It was like a big road road trip I know she brought all this close she's number one I mean she's dominating the the gift gang oh really she's bringing over designer shit and she picks them right up well looks as lips and yeah she's first class so we had a great time it's Sarah in the back I had Fien over here the baby slept the whole way he shit up up his leg, so did she. And yeah, it was a fucking great trip. It's fun to have a buddy in the ride. Yeah, he feels fun to be like,

you're coming over, get over here at 7.30 AM. We'll go get the car, I'll pick everybody up. You get in that car, you're like, what's the shit on everybody? Yeah, then you put the wife in the back, and now you got a little action up front. Oh, we held hands the whole way. She has no idea.

There you go. Got a hand job, a real bobert. Yeah, it was a good time. So I love the fee hand, love Thanksgiving. No one goes to Pep Rally. My uncle Brian, I actually wrote that down. That's embarrassing. I got a couple other things, but tell me about it.

Well, let me tell you about what you say. So we went down to the big Nola, and you know, it's 60 degrees down there right now. This is winter. Right. And it's fun. You got a t-shirt on and a Daisy Dukes and a thug. And we go down and my mom is a big,

foodie coos. I've said it a million times. She brought a paper menu and a house, at the end for the house for the meal. And I feel bad because my lady likes to cook and she's pretty damn good at cooking. So she's like, what do I bring? And my mom's like,

hit the brakes, bitch, tits. I got this. And so she's like, okay, okay. So we picked up a pie. Okay. And I go, hey, look, I pushed back on mom. I go, hey, mom, she goes all in with this hoidy, toyty, high, falloutin' meal.

And I go, I want some trash. It's this Thanksgiving, this is America. I want a little bit of green bean cast with the cream of mushroom. That's trash. Well, you know, compared to my mom. My mom's making like a fucking oyster, Rockefeller stuffing with oat milk and goat's blood.

I see, you gotta come to my house, you got some trash. Good, trash it up, baby. Are you garbage? Put it right in my ass. So she brings the cream bean casserole. We go get a pie from the bakery there. And we show up, and I gotta head to my mom because my brother did a vegan Thanksgiving

two years before and it almost split the family. I remember that. Brian vegan. Yes, me. Yeah, exactly. And it was, you know, the turkey was ice cold, the yams were racist, we did it all. But my mom really went all out and it was, it was gravy, it was rice, it was turkey, it was the whole thing. And I'll tell you this, you know, my family, we're, we're a little co-workerry.

I like to say, you know, it's a lot of just sitting in silence and going, mm, did you see that Biden is now having migrants ship to Chicago? And I go, hey, you know, Chicago, they set back the migrants. That's so bad it was over there. Yep. And then, you know how it goes, it's like a corporate gig. It's tough.

Yeah, so I used to just sit there and stew in my own anxiety and go, they hate me, I suck, I'm bloated, I'm bombing. And I said, you know what? And I excused myself from the table, I got up, and I have two nieces. We wrestled for like an hour and a half, it was great. That's the way you gotta do it.

You gotta go to that kids' table. Cause kids, listen, you can connect with them They talk they say interesting stuff they say funny things. They're genuine. It's just a better situation I mean don't get me wrong every once in a while they'll be like your breath smells sure sure I'll take I'll take a little abuse But that's better than just getting stone. Yeah, so I played with the kids the whole time and it's good because I stay living in Wisconsin now So I got to connect with the kids and I saw everybody looking over because they're going he bit me fuck her. Blood Jews you know and I'm punching these kids and they're all like what's going on over there I'm like you know what's going on over here is we're having a good time exactly off an adult hell it's

so funny say that because Sarah when we were playing games my house my family if you don't play a game it's just we're watching a game or playing a game. Okay, and everyone was laughing and one of the kids Particularly ornery kid came out and he goes you guys are too loud and Sarah went it's called fun And everyone got a big laughing really Zingdo was pretty fine. That's a wife right there. Yeah, some of these kids need to be zung Zing them up. I say that's why there's no pep rally. They got no zing in them There's no zing exactly and I can tell all the stories But I don't want to speak out of school class. Oh really that she did which you hit a kid? No, no, but you know, I'm a boomer. I tell these kids. I'm like you can't fucking lay on the floor that we're hanging out

You know what I mean? TikTok is I'm a fucking boomer. The TikTok is destroying our society. There's literally teenagers napping on the couch, on the floor, on the chairs. Take the whole thing. I'm like, go to bed. Yeah, get out of here.

You have to slide it and they're like, well, you know, whatever. And I'm like, I was in high school. I fucking wasn't home. I'm hanging out all night and I ran seven miles a day and did the whole, I didn't do homework. But whatever. Same.

But I went to bed from 11 30 to 7 30. And so you're spry. You can't be sleeping at a party. It's odd. You can pass out drunk at a party, that's cool. Yeah, sure. You can just go to bed at the party. It's not.

Yeah, it's not. I'm with you, but thank God for my brother. He doesn't allow phones or anything. So he's cracking the whip. He's like, hey, shut up, you're too loud, quiet down, don't run. Like, he's doing all the dead stuff. And I get to go in there and go, hey, I'm punching in the tits. We might set a record for F-bombs,

but I'm just gonna set it. Got that. We're at three. Yeah, so we had a great time. And I used to, you know, as I say, used to dwell on that. Like, I'm bombing in this set. Got that. We're at three. Yeah, so we had a great time and I used to, you know, as I say, used to dwell on that. Like, I'm bombing at the table. I got nothing and I would stay still like, hey, how about Napoleon? That looks good.

And they're like, well, in 1918 Napoleon killed his uncle and you're like, oh, he wasn't even alive then. What are you doing to me? How did you make this boring? Yeah, it's tough, it's tough. But it's exciting, the family. That's why the baby is nice, because it gives everybody something.

You can be like, oh yeah, you got the baby story. So true. Yeah, he does this, he does that, and yada yada, boobly boob, ding-ding-ding. You at least your family, you'll play a game, or you'll watch a game. I don't even care about football, but I'm like, put something on so we have a focal,

because right now it's all on us there's eight people around the dinner table going hmm well what what what what about Putin he's no joke yeah man you know he's on a horse a lot of drones can I go hey you know my friends gonna drone he flew it up and it crashed right into the car it was crazy and. And they go, and Zelensky, he's gonna borrow some more money. I'm like, it's like a bean in a museum. Yeah, that's tough. And yeah, we have a lot of silence. Just a lot of, we're looking at the phone.

Just everyone kind of looking at the phone. We don't do phone. It's tough. Yeah. Yeah, if I pull the phone out, there's some stink guy, which is funny because I got Sam text to me. He does the mark, mark, if I pull the phone out as there's some stink guy Which is funny because I got Sam text me. He does the mark mark and I'm like I'm a Thanksgiving I went my family with the fuck man. I'm out on Thanksgiving. It's five days. That's the Monday all day I'm like sorry sorry. Yeah, my family. It's like a hole I dive into I can't even get any outside world

But just something I need to work on I don't know that might be healthier I can't even get any outside world, but just something I need to work on. I don't know, that might be healthier. No, but I should take half an hour a day. Sure, sure. Just pretend it's because it feels like healthy, but then Sunday I start weighing on it. Monday I start going, I have 14 fucking texts

from different people. Right, right. And some of them are just happy Thanksgiving, but you're encompassed in the family, whatever. Yeah, well nine of them are happy Thanksgiving and you go, who the fuck is this? Oh, I get that the family whatever. Yeah, well nine of them are happy things giving you go Who the fuck is this oh I get that all the time? Yeah, I got to start I got to start saving number because I got a million like 908 302 205 area code. I'm like no idea

This could be some guy I met in in a Pekipsy in 88 well some of my dialogue some of them like I'm having a conversation We had this last week I didn't help do because I'm like I don't even know who this is. I'm talking sub I'm having a conversation. We had this last week. I didn't help you. Because I'm like, I don't even know who this is. I'm talking, I'm like giving advice. Oh. Literally, I'm not even trying to be funny. I'm like, wow, you gotta read the fourth step and work with your sponsor. I'm like, I don't know who this person is.

She had with Lindsay Lohan over here. Who the hell knows? I wish. Yeah, she's cute. Underrated cute lady, by the way. Oh, pretty lady. Dude, well, I mean, Chuck just like his boner just flipped the table, cause, right? She didn't come up in the pretty lady list. Well, mean streets

Forget about me in streets great film mean girls Two great films with me in front of it Mean mean streets mean girls mean girls underrated film underrated comedy and Lindsay Lohan, my good, good, great. It's got hot high school chick, which is not hard. At Rachel McAdams, I mean, that dance number. Oh.

Forget about it. I mean, that was right up there in the spank bank. Yeah, that's a great comedy. They didn't get his due. Yeah, great, great film. Good film for me. Yeah. So then how about this?

So we got two shows. I got two shows, one in mobile. Alabama. Yes. One in New Orleans. Louisiana. Yes. Now I had to rent a car because the mobile is two hours away.

And I didn't want to borrow the parents car because that's the whole thing. It's in the guilt trip. It's like the mob. They go, you can use our car and I go, oh, thanks. And then the whole time they text me like, well, we don't have a car. So you're gonna have to pick up milk

and bring it back here and you're like, God, geez. But, how you ever had this? So I fucked up. I didn't run a car. I didn't arrange it. What do you call it? Reserve.

Reserve. Reserve. Reserve. Yeah. I didn't run a car. I didn't I didn't arrange it. What do you call it reserve? Yeah, so I go hey Agent can you get me a car? I'm an idiot. So I'm in the mid flight. I land he goes everything's booked It's Thanksgiving week. Get chuch but I got you I got you one and I go great. He goes. It's right here And I go ATC and it's not Hertz, not Avis, not the Enterprise. I'm like, what the hell's ATC? Must be some new, it's comedy. Yeah, it must be some new thing.

So I get in the rental car shuttle, which I already hate doing. No, you land and now you're on a shuttle. It's just a bummer, you want a land and go home. Of course, the shuttle is a real cut in the ass. So I land, you go on these shuttle, I get to the rental car or whatever, which is a bitch of a drive. You're in there with a bunch of families, there's kids screaming.

You finally get there, it's like a John Hughes film, and you go, hey man, it's a guy in a vest. What's ATC? Is that over here? Is that a new thing? Is that a lot of car? You know, or something? He's like, oh, ATC, never heard of it.

Ask Roger. Hey, Roger's got one tooth, fat guy. Hey Roger, what's up with ATC? He goes, I don't know that one. And he goes, all right. Let me Google ATC. Oh, 10 miles away. It's a random mom and pop rental car.

So you're gonna run the car to get to the car, don't you? Exactly. So now I gotta get an Uber to the car rental. You finally get there and this is when all the shit hits the fan. You know, hours of going by. You know, you're just like, I wanna get home. I wanna get to the Airbnb. Let's get moving.

And the guy goes, okay. This place is a dive. It's a shit old, it's cobwebs, broken glass. And he goes, all right. Can I need your ID? Great license, credit card, great, great. Now, who's your insurance? And I go, I don't know. And he goes, you don't know what your insurance?

I go, I never get insurance. Just give me the car. I'll pay for any damage I do. He goes, hey, we ain't hurts. You got to have insurance. We can't just give you a car. And I go, I don't know if I have insurance. And he goes, well, call your provider.

And I go, I don't know my provider. And he goes, you gotta know your provider. So I go through all my emails. I type in insurance on the search bar. Turns out I have Geico. Yeah, by the way, I think you can just say Geico. No, they need the plan. They need the number.

They need something. I don't think so. They never asked me for anything. They just type Geico. Really? Yeah, I think so. Well, I said Geico and he goes, huh. Do you have the app when I go, yeah,

but the app was like a little weird cloud around it from not being hit? Oh, yeah. You know what a cloud? You know the cloud? Of course, I'm all cloud over here, bro. I know, it saves you space. Exactly, yeah.

Yeah, all right. Cloudy day. So I go, all right, now I got a reload Geico. Then I open it up and it says, what's your password? You want to just go, ah! And throw the phone out the window. But I go, all right, let me figure out the password.

I figured out the password after 20 minutes. Then he goes, all right, well, what's your plan? And I hit it and it says, oh, man, you're fucked. Or something like that. Like if the guy go app said, you're done, kill yourself. And I said, all right. So I show him that and he goes, what's going to go ahead and call them?

So that was the day before Thanksgiving. I'm calling Geico in a shithole enterprise, ATC, and a guy answers and I go, hey, can I re-up my insurance? And he goes, no, we won't have you. And I go, what do you mean? He's like, we can't have you. You have a horrible history, well, blah.

And I was like, wait, what? And I was like, well, just re-up it. And he's like, we don't want your business. And I was like, oh my God. So I give the phone to the guy and I was like, wait, what? And I was like, well, just re-up it. He's like, we don't want your business. And I was like, oh my God. So I give the phone to the guy and he's like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Oh, you know, so that guy just, he just took my phone

and put it in the furnace. And then I go, come on, man. Dave Ford, thanksgiving, we've been here an hour and a half. She's, the wife is sleeping. She's on the floor like an eight year old list. And I go, how about this? Put five grand on my card, like it's a deposit. If I don't wreck it, just give me the five grand back.

And he kinda goes, and he does the look around for any other employees and he goes, all right, fuck it. And he gave me the charger. Wow. So it worked. But I mean, can't you just get insurance through them? Can't you pay for their daily plan or whatever the fuck? They didn't do a plan.

They don't have the infrastructure. That no plan? They're mom and pop. They're like a hole in the wall. Mommy pop doesn't offer insurance? No, no, because they don't have the money. Like if I wreck it, they have to pay. Ah, wreck it, Ralph. Yeah, because they they don't have the money Like if if if I wreck it they have to pay Recket Ralph. Yeah, so they have nothing so I go all right, so I gave the guy $5,000. I got the keys

I Bumped it on the way out. I like a telephone pole, but it was all right. He came out He's like and I was like I work good and I ass. The whole thing took about four and a half hours from the first shuttle to the Uber to the whole thing. Probably like three hours. But I just drive it away angry, fucking Geico, piece of shit that goddamn Gecko, motherfucker. So the wife's like, all right, take it easy, shut up.

And we get to the Airbnb. It was great. We had sex. Oh, I love sex. I haven't had sex in five weeks. Whoa, it's like high school. It's brutal. I feel like a prize fighter.

It's like the old Joe Frazier quote. That must be angry. It makes you evil. That's how I feel right now. Do you feel pumped up? I want to fight everybody. I haven't slept or fucked in fucking six weeks. Holy, you're going to shoot up a school. I'm dying, but it's finally insurance.

I think about that all the time because I never had a credit card. They wouldn't let you rent a car. For years, I couldn't rent a school. I'm dying, but it's funny, insurance, I think about that all the time, because I never had a credit card. They wouldn't let you rent a card. For years, I couldn't rent a card, because I had no credit. And it was the same thing, because I had money, but no credit card. I only spent that way.

I was like, I'll give you a three grand. I'll fucking buy a card, just let me go. It's like the Mitch Hedberg Joe, where he goes to a hotel and they go, you gotta put a credit card down, and he goes, I have cash. I got a wads and wads of cash, I'll just give it to you.

And they're like, need a credit card. He's like, you know the credit card represents this. That was the big joke. Yeah, that's frustrating. Life is gay. But life is gay, but we drove to Mobile. Two-hour drive on a comedy gig is ideal. It's like the perfect amount of time.

Three hours is a little much. One hour is not really a road trip. Two hour, you get to see some stuff, you get to get to a good conversation, you get a couple songs in, you know, you're sticking high at the tiger at the top of your lungs. We get to Mobile, which is a New Orleans ripoff,

by the way, it's just like a smaller New Orleans without the fun stuff. And we did a 2000 seat seat theater we sold 800 tickets and Boy is that weird Come on 800 I think was like 900, but it was half full basically. Yeah, well, Alameda is a tough market It's like a different country. Isn't that weird like Mississippi. Yes. No, I've never done I've never stepped foot in Mississippi Right my whole life. It's a whole world it is there's families and couples and kids of course, but we're not hit like they don't get the bonfire And Mississippi right it's so weird well they had the internet I think but I think they have bill Engvaul

Right like those markets or who's the lady that's killing it? Leanne Morgan. Yeah, I think they have Leanne Morgan. They don't have fucking Phil Hanley and Mrs. Zippey. Oh, no, they do not have any. Let's see if it's sweater. They would fucking chop his legs off and take his sweater. That's true, but I will say the cool thing is you go to Mobile, you're the town.

The whole, like the suburbs come in, the country comes in to come see your bullshit show, and that's kind of fun. Bless you. And they go, we had Louis here a month ago or a year ago, I remember Nate Bargazze coming through here, I remember Berk Khrysher coming through here and I was like, oh, that's cool. I bet Nate does well there. Yeah, it's tough.

Those are tough markets. Alabama and like Wyoming, Montana. Yeah, Montana has more I guess. Well, I had the fun thing too. I was just thrown around town getting a feel for it. I, uh, my premise walk and I go into a vintage shop and they are like, it had the fun thing too, I was just throwing around town, getting a feel for it. I got my premise walk, and I go into a vintage shop, and they're like, it's the south. So they're real chatty there. They go ding-ding-ding-ding.

Hey, partner, what are you doing here? I go, I'm just browsing. You need help with anything? What do you in town for? You live here? No, I don't live here. I'm in town, I'm going to a comedy show, and they go, oh, who you seeing? And this is always a risk. I go, I'm going to see this guy, they go, oh, who you seeing? And this is always a risk.

I go, I'm going to see this guy Mark Norman and they go, yeah, never heard of him. My friend's coming in town to see him. He's the cash cab guy, right? And I go, no, no, not a cab, that's Ben Bailey. And he goes, now, pretty sure it's Mark Norman. I go, big comedy fan, know a lot about comedy. I think it's not Mark Norman, it's Mark Norman. I go Big comedy fan know a lot about comedy. I think it's not Mark Norman. It's Ben Bailey and he goes

Gonna have to fight you on this one. It's now I'm in a back and forth with the fucking hillbilly Vintage guy. Well, maybe he knows something you know, maybe he's in the industry Maybe you're about to be about to reboot it with you. Yeah, maybe but they don't have cabs down there or cash So I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but I ended up buying a jacket. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, yeah. And then you wear it at the show that night.

It's kind of fun. But he's like, yeah, my friends come and see that guy. I never heard of him. You know, not my cup does a lot of that. Did you ever notice, you know, the Jews, the blacks, whatever? It strikes me a lot of people are doing that kind of stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. So, but boy, we, we, uh, we high-tailed it right out of there after that. I Every time I I'm sure I did the web series I know the TV show idea at the time web series now But to Paul and I came up with because we'd always go to the mall together before the show And the ideas that the each comedian picks out the other comedians outfit for that night. Oh, fun. That's fun As a goof or as a real big. As a goof again. Okay. So, you know, I go up, you can't go too crazy.

You can just pick out your outfit also. Ah, so he goes, I go up, I come out with a tube top and heels or whatever and he's going to go out there with the Fubu jersey. But you need to be more upset. That's true. We got to clean this place by the way. Let it build. Yeah. Well, I think it's like we're going to stand off with Chuck. Like, who's got to clean this place But let it let it build. Yeah, well, I think it's like we're gonna stand off with Chuck like what it was gonna clean this

Yeah, it's like roommates in college. It's either he's cleaning it or we're cleaning it neither one wants to break and They will rotate one day. I'll do it then you do it I cleaned a little last time I threw I had an arm full of stuff We talked about this on the last episode but have the stuff as Dix and put these on it. Yeah, I had an arm full of shit Yeah We talked about this on the last episode, but half the stuff has Dix and pussy's on it. I had an arm full of shit. You wanna get rid of it? I'll get rid of everything. I just don't know what you wanna keep. Well, I wanna keep some stuff.

The big poster, I wanna keep. Okay. And some of the sentiment, we gotta keep all this. We gotta hang this. This is the hotspot right here. Anything over here is a keeper. I do this with my wife all the time

because we have a real Mexican standoff, as you say, with the, she was a clean shit, but I clean incrementally, which you get no credit for. I clean, let's say I clean every day for a year. That's 365 table cleanings I'm doing. She does it once and she's like, what are you talking about?

I clean yesterday, I go, I clean every month of the year, but it's incremental. You get no love for the increment. Ah, yes. Ah. Yes, my wife does a lot more cleaning and I go out, I get the meals, I cook.

I do that too. I don't cook, I don't know why I'm cooking. I don't cook, I get meals. Yeah, I pay for things. I do Uber Eats, but my wife and I were on different pages. She wants to save, but she makes a little thing at home and I just get a $75.

It's forgetting a meatball, it's because I'm an asshole. Well, that Uber E eats rakes ya. It's crazy. No, it's like the Goldman joke and only adds up if you add it up. I don't look. Right. And then I get an email and I've dropped the phone. Yeah.

It's like I just paid $59 for three Ravioli's in a hand salad. Right. Hand salad. Hand salad boy, you're off the rocker. I'm not well. Reservation. Yeah. Ham sandwich I think is. I'm not well. Reservation, yeah. Ham sandwich I think is what I was thinking. Oh, okay, okay.

And then I went with hand salad. I'm not good, it's terrible. How you doing all right? Yeah, I'm okay. Well let me just say this and I'll throw it back to the hand salad over there, but. It's spectacular. I mean, we're really gonna hang this.

I mean, this is beauty. This clock. And this, I mean, this is better than anything I own this is better than anything I know you know, I'll put a Best beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I took very nice. I'll put a little table in between you guys You can have your water there That's good. Oh, we need a thumbtack right there. You took that yeah, oh wow Yeah, I know that it's from the video if from the video though the video Sorry, yeah, I mean that is really something else

Yeah, that says thanks to the quiffs Joey that way Joey. There you go That is really spend the and the clock forgot about that's the nicest thing I own Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, anyway behind this it'll stay there you go And then the ass man we love love the ass man. This is great to the photo thing with George George's boss I'm aware Kruger. He lost a lot of hair. Let me just check the text to make sure my wife didn't ask it. Yep, that's all good So then we go back to New Orleans You lose the Airbnb, but the we did the or fium theater in New Orleans Which is a nice step up for me. I usually do the joy, which is like an old movie theater.

I went to as a kid that a dollar shows. Wow. You ever have that, the dollar cinema? Um, yeah. It was called the cameo. Cameo cinema in Weymouth. Okay, yeah, it was good. Good for a kid.

We'd see free willy. Hey, it's his four quarters. Blow me. Laurie Petty, what's it? Oh, love Petty. Tom Tom Petty so same buddy. So a different face. Oh, yeah both dead Lori's alive as a name Lori's still cooking. So Tom Petty right before he died good for you wedding gift Marry propa fall I believe yeah, that's what got Michael Jackson. Yeah

I believe. Yeah, that's what got Michael Jackson. Yeah, I thought he had like a hard to do. Oh, D. I thought he was on stuff I thought his heart just gave it a heart, but I think it the pills that in there. We you know factor in I can't remember so do the orfium Same that is bi-u classic Which I don't know if you know what that is no that's where rambling and southern play the two historic black colleges. So the whole city is just a buzz with rims hip hop and the occasional shooting. Yeah, that's a and I'm not saying that in an opinion piece. I'm saying that's how it goes every year. So it gets a little hairy, but it's a great time. Lot of decrees, a lot of ice and bling and sneakers and fun. And everybody's decked out. And so I got a lot of messages like,

hey man, I want to come to your show, but I ain't going downtown during Bayou Classic. You're crazy. You're crazy. Well, it's not even a racial thing. It's just like, it's mayhem. No, I meant Jesus. That sucks.

Yeah, it sucks, but your agents don't know about it's mayhem. No, I meant Jesus that sucks. Yeah, it sucks I but your agents don't know about the Bayou class. No So that's that's not on them. I guess I guess that's on me. I should have pointed that out I don't know but we had a good show Richa Ronovich opened. I love rich. He's a local Louisiana boy. He's from Louisiana. Yeah What Louisiana to Richa Ronovich is from Louisiana. He's from Lakeview, a suburb of New Orleans.

I had no idea. I thought he was a Jersey guy. No, no. Big floppy hairdebe from Nola. That's why, because I just, I first of all, I did my first road gig with him and Joey Gay. Yeah, well, it's in Cockers, New Jersey. Wow.

In 2001, or maybe 2002, with him and Joey Gay. Yeah, wow. It's new caucus, New Jersey in 2001. And maybe 2002 and he's a Jew and he's got New York energy. Yes, he does. He's a little cramory. So I fucking hilarious guy. Really killed. I'm a big, a Ronovich guy.

Killed up top and it's so funny because I got all my jack off buddies there. These are all high school, meet heads, whatever. And he's in there and I can tell he was like this ain't my speed, you know, and I'm like it ain't really buying either But you see these guys once a year so you'd be let them in the green room. I am blown away That this is so this is the weird thing about Louisiana New Orleans because I Feel like you and Richard Ronovich have no feel of New Orleans to me. Like there's no like, well, no, no, I have never. Well, you could say the same with bean town. Everybody thinks it's gonna be a Matt Damon,

like how do you like them apples, pock the ca, you know? I feel like, you know, Josh Gondelman doesn't wreak of bean town. That's true, but bean town also has a very intellectual True. Aspects, true. It has, you know, Harvard, MIT, and all that shit, So he's more of that ill.

I just don't like, you're never like, Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, well, we don't have, we have the intellectual, I wouldn't say intellectual, but we got a little upper crust Over there in Louisiana as well. It's like, it's like same with New York City. Forget about it. Right.

And then you're like, oh, it's the same, but real. Right. He's got big eyebrows and then a dreidel. Yeah, suppose so, but yeah, a ronovitch, he just feels so northeast. He does feel very northeast. I completely, I think it's the neuroticism. Yes. But he killed it.

He crushed. Everybody was blown away like, who was that opener? We didn't even, we left during you. He's a hot, hot ticket. Yeah, crushed it. And then of course we got drunk after and just had a great time but you still have that New Orleans hometown, it is scary because hey New Orleans, it's not really a comedy town

and if it ain't funny, they don't give it to you. Right. There's no giving it up in New Orleans. Like Boston. Yes. I'm always saying Boston up in the world. It's like Boston. Yes. I'm always saying Boston, New Orleans, feel very similar. You think so?

Well, we've talked about the accent is sort of similar. Sure, sure. With the uhs and the adding uhs and dropping uhs. Yeah. And uh, drinking, the tholicism, parishes, sports, big on the football. It's the only two cities where people talk about a parish.

True. And their own holiday, their own tradition. Marty Grasping. And we got some food. You got a clamped chowder. We got a gumbo. Maybe there's something there. Yeah, I think both cities claim the oldest bar or restaurant.

Oh, yeah. And what was the one, the other thing that you said that started this whole topic? Solus is you said something that was like, hey, that's similar to Boston. Oh, the non-comedy. Yeah, well you Carole comedy with the comedy the crowds are like I don't give a fuck about this. Yes You gotta really you better work for it. You got to like wait. Oh, wait. Oh, we don't care. We're just laughing Yeah, well, there's a of, when I started comedy, like a lot of my friends were like, you, we're all funny than you, and I'm like, I know,

but you're not gonna sit down and write it. Right. So, yeah, so it's a tough, tough nugget, and you know what you have in your act? I got like, this joke kills, but this is kind of like a B joke. I'll put it between a killer and a killer. This be, and the B, the kill joke will get a laugh. The B will bomb and then the next joke will hit.

Because they don't give, they don't fuck with the B. Or like that wasn't, if it's not good, it's not good. It's funny, it's funny. Yeah, we're in Cleveland, they'll be like, yeah, we'll give you like a, we'll give you a, what do you call that? A chuckle? Yeah, well, it's a, we know that.

Curnacy, see, you're still around.le? Yeah, well, it's a, we know the sea. CURTICY! See, you're still around. Look how many. Still got it. Yes, sir. So yeah, look at me in courtesy, but hey, I ain't no courtesy. There's a courtesy, but no courtesy. And courtesy is my drug dealer.

You know courtesy? I don't know courtesy. It's like a name friend. CURTICY! And Bob J. Yeah. So, and AI. courtesy and Bob Jay. Yeah, so an AI, but we we left there. We go straight to the bar and boy did we I mean it was like old times it was bad and the flight was the next day and that was a

that was a mistake. Yeah, I hate the next day flight. Oh, yeah, I don't remember how I got to the hotel or how we stayed at the Ace Hotel. Hey. Yeah, very sexy in there. I love an Ace. Yeah, Ace Hole and Ace In The Hole. But yeah, then I woke up, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, 830 and I was like, oh, I remember why I stopped blacking out.

Ace 30. Huh? I said, Ace 30. Then we flew out of there. Boy, you know what, we went to the New Orleans airport, obviously, to fly to Newark, and I go, all right, I'll flight boards in seven minutes. Holy shit, there's a lounge here.

I didn't know there was a lounge at the airport. I knew. In New Orleans, must be new. So I go, let's go to the lounge, and I was like, ah, I wish we had known this, we just sat around for like a half hour. So you go to the lounge and I was like ah I wish we had known this we just sat around for like a half hour so you go to lounge where like shove in our faces and then this is how sad me and the wife are but this is why we're meant to be together

We shove our faces we wait too long we get on the flight we have to check our bags Haight the check bag get on the flight land in New Orleans we go well our bags checked. We might as well go to the lounge in Newark to wait to eat more. The bags will be taken a while anyway. Sure. So we spent too much time in the lounge. Wet to get the bags, they were gone. Come on. They got, well, they didn't get stolen, but the United, they'll scoop them up and put them

in their own pile. So we had to go in the pile and sift and then go, now I swear to God that's mine. Like how do we know what's yours? And I'm like, well, it says Seinfeld is my hero on there. You know, so we got the bags out finally that we went home.

And it always feels like Shindler's list when you see that pile of bags. You're like, oh, it belonged to somebody. Goodbye, Jews. Oh boy, got it. That's in a movie. Not really. Oh.

Yeah, sorry, I really hogged there. No, no, it's glad I'm glad to hear all of it. So hard to come back after holidays. No matter when you leave, if you leave Sunday morning, Monday morning, it's just hard to go back to life. Yeah, I had the real Sunday scary's last night. Mm. Wait, it's same night.

Two, two. Fucking Wednesday. No, it's Tuesday night. Two Wednesday. No, Tuesday. I don't know what it says. I don't either. I can't remember. It's Tuesday, December 11th. All right. That's a horrible tragedy, 1211.

Yeah. But in that way, we got Christmas right around the corner. This is this that wacky time of year. I always say it's like, you know, when you put your two weeks notice in and a job. Sort of. So the last two weeks, she just kind of dick off. Yeah. That feels like this over the year.

Feels like that last two weeks. Yeah. Fuck you. I'm out. I'm shit myself. No, it's hard. And this year is nice because the baby, I don't really have much. My friend, Eric, is coming to town for a week, which is nice.

So it feels like a vacation before the vacation. I have one fucking like corporate gig. which is nice. What feels like a vacation, before the vacation, I have one fucking, like, corporate gig. Oh, nice, another one. And just, you know, podcast and stuff, but it's not, I got little going on, which is nice, because you had the, it's like senioritis. Senioritis.

You didn't have senioritis there? What's that now? Senioritis is the same thing, but like with your senior year. Oh, yeah. Towards the end of the year, I'm not doing homework, I'm not doing tests and you're like, you're failing. Right.

You're failing all your classes. You're like, I know, but I'm a senior. You're a while short and flip flops and a dick off. Dic off, flat-and-a dick off. Let me tell you this real quick. Please. I got two little things, but last night, you know me, still the same old G, but I've been low key

and I talk about this a lot. And I'm a boomer. I'm a conservative boomer now. I'm voting for Trump. I got a big long red tie. He's number one. Oh, yeah, put some scotch tape on the back. I just, the scooter, the moat, the delivery people,

and I'm part of the problem because I get Uber Eats three times a day. Sure. But if you don't live in New York, maybe you're in a different city. All the delivery guys, they ride little MoPed things. Yep. And they're fucking completely lawless.

They ride up the sidewalk through red lights across crosswalks. And I'm going to sound like a bad guy and I try to be a Buddhist and a program guy and all this stuff. But when I see people riding their scooters up the sidewalk, they run red light, they just don't stop at red lights. No. I literally root for them to get fucking side-swight hit by a car. Yeah.

And I have fantasies of jogging over, leaning down and be like, that's why you fucking don't run red lights. You piece of shit, and then take that meal while you're at it. Because they're, that's not bad. Because they're endangering, we're living in a society right and it gets more and more laws I'm telling you if you don't live in New York it's all the time every time and I've talked to this before I argue with Sarah because we'll be walking I'm like no

stay to a breast make this guy get on the fucking street because she'll move out of the way I'm like doing this. I'm sad. Yeah, good. I hate it. Well, they will get hit eventually. It can't last. They all run through red lights. So last night, I'm walking to Starbucks, of course, to get a tee and get away for a moment.

Yeah. And as I'm walking, I see it's dark, because it gets dark and fucking 11, whatever, 3.30. Yeah. I'm trying to exaggerate and then I realized, 11's too early or I'm a tee, I mean, it would've always it, 330. Yeah. I'm trying to exaggerate and then I realized, 11's too early or I'm key, I mean, it would've always been too late.

Yeah. My brain's stuck. You caught it, you caught it. I'm gay. So I see like a single headlight, one headlight, Jacob Dylan. One headlight. It's coming down the, this side of the row,

he's just whipping down and I watch this guy go up the same way. Oh. But through a red light. And this guy's just coming down the wrong side of the road, also running red light, and they didn't crash, crash, but they ran like, burr, and they hit the front tires,

and it wasn't quite what I wanted, but it was enough that I'm like, yes! Yes, more of this. Justice is served. You just wanna see people go, oh shit, and hopefully, because the the cities never gonna ticket it My brand for mayor. I would be like this is what we're cracking down on here here that and fucking big diesel trucks I don't know the idol hate the Eric idol bad for the

Fireman also, I'm just sitting in my house watching TV here. Listen Bye-bye kids and is that just because they turning it on is such a bitch because I was wondering why leave it idling I think they want to keep it warm or so. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, but that idle. I'm with you I just gave my sleep that I'll believe that but they just just sit out there and I got the window open It's a nice breeze cookin' and I can't hear the TV. Yeah, it's annoying as hell But it was fun to watch them kind of like they didn't get hurt unfortunately, but a nice bump into each other But I hope more people I just want to shove these people. I know I'm like we live in a fucking society. You just stop at red lights

Yeah, and it's good that they hit each other. It's like scooter on scooter crime because they didn't hit an old lady and Fuck her up, you know, it's like that they they fucked each other up It's like when I used to go to this gym and this guy would Blair music, we all hated him. And one day out of God's plan, some other guy came and he started Blair music and they started yelling each other. I can't turn that shit down. I'm like, you're all assholes. Don't you get it? It was the Blair music project. Yeah. There we go. There we go. Who needs sleep? Good to have you back. All right. Well, so anyways, December 11th, my. So that's one thing to scootery.

I think you had two little nubs. Oh, the other thing was, oh my God. I mean, this is a longer tail. I'll keep it tight, but how are we looking? Oh, oh yeah. Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, so save for the bonus. I'll save it for the bonus.

That's the picture. But they gotta it for the bonus, the Patreon. But they gotta get mad because they're like, oh, what are you gonna fuck it, whatever? It's Christmas time. Help a better. Patreon, join the Patreon for the best story you ever heard. By the way, we've been doing a lot, the Patreon, upon popular fucking request.

We've been doing a lot more just regular podcasting here. Just me and Mark, keeping it going. We just keep the fucking thing rolling. It's a two days late. If you're one of these people that said, oh, they're just watching TV, fuck them. Of course, half the people are like, that's the best thing that's ever happened.

I know, it's hard to gauge who likes what. The secretive failure is to try to please everybody. But here here, Cosby said it. Anyway, so there's a lot more podcasts. Give the gift of Patreon. Aha! Yes, be a patron. Patronize.

Patreon, somebody. Give someone the gift of Patreon. Anyways, we're on the Patreon, join the Patreon. It'll be fun. Lot of stuff. We do something every week. A half hour extra podcast per week. Woo, doggie.

That's not too shabby. Any tips, I am in Tacoma, January 11th of the 13th. That's a big town for me It's a home away from home. It might be my home someday who knows we'll see but I want to fill that out bang it up bang it out because Obviously I got some fam damn there and I want to take care of them I'm bringing the fucking baby across the country that's terrifying So fill that up to come a January 11th of the 13th. The weekend after that, Pekipsi is just January 19th and 20 or 2021. Whatever that weekend is

come out to that and then comedy mothership February 8th through 10. I'm gonna have some special guests who you're gonna want to see. Very funny people come out to that Austin, Texas comedy mothership. Make sure you get those tickets. Ton of dates 2025 and check out punch up live and sign up for my email list. Try to crank up that email list. Marcus hot dog. I will be all over the good. Damn road.

Mark Norman comedy. Dot com. You know where to find me. I'll be in a Norfolk and Baltimore at the lyric and that's a nice one. Oh really? I did that was the first gig I ever did with Louis. Oh wow. Well the first of the tour. Yeah legendary room. Oh great Then a Birmingham and Shreveport that'll be tough sledding and then go on a Mexico City with the lady. Oh nice Yeah, we decided fucking let's live

I might try to have a rug rat soon, so we're gonna try to do some traveling before we die. That's where a canner You got engaged. Oh, that's right. Oh man. You're hitting those markets in theaters that you have you have done something special Well, Shreevesport, Mobile, whatever the other one you say. Yeah, like a Birmingham But I gotta tell you the tickets are pretty so but still Thank you. You do some of these shows though like a half full. You're like, I've got half full It's a fucking giant room. They still sound pretty good of course is 800 people there I know but you think it would just drown out with the negative space no drown that fucking rules That's so he's up get these tickets go and the beacon where's the we at with the oh jeez

Thank you January 27th. I keep forgetting January 27th. Come on out. We're gonna have a hot show We'll figure it out. I'll try to get Jared open who knows but Beacon baby January 27th New York sit taaay Beacon of hope yes Chuckles oh yeah check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, with comedian Ray Harrington, Improv Guy, Brad Roar. We got a bunch of holiday episodes coming up. It's going to be a lot of fun at Fun BearablePod.com or at Fun BearablePod. There it is. All right, we'll see you in Hell folks. Happy

holidays. In cells, all of them are heavens where magic's cry Homelessly watching the music die