Tuesdays with Stories! - #533 You Zee?

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Boy oh man oh howdy! Winter has come to Tuesdays with Stories, and Mark is dealing with no HEAT in his building! Joe has some strong feelings about laundry and he's on the edge about a leaf blower lady in Queens! Mark heads over to Santa Rosa for some shows, and Joe's holding down the fort at Grove 34 with Raanan Hershberg, Sarah Tollemache, Andrew Schiavone and Kerryn Feehan! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give onlinetherapy a try at betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS & get 10% off your 1 stmonth. - Support the show & get 20% off your 1 st Sheath order athttps://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code TUESGAYS - Support the show & get 3 extra months of ExpressVPN for free athttps://www.expressvpn.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose who I'm looking for. Hey, there folks. We are here. We're back. We're gay. We're living life. Here we are.

Yes. Up on top of the Prudential Center and fabulous Boston, Massachusetts. What do you think I could send free clothes now? Sure. I would never buy this. It's true. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not aware of that. It's nice. It's not me. It feels like a accomplished man would wear this. Yeah, you feel like you ski and you have a business, you have a startup. It looks like you, as much people in the circle and then you're talking to them. You're like, we're gonna go inside, and we're gonna go outside. I'm inside and outside.

We're gonna get them on the run. We're gonna keep them on the run. Yeah, I should have a cell phone on my belt. Yeah, I run a tile company or whatever the hell. But if I get close, I wear them. I'd like wearing a new thing. I'll never wear this again, but it's new, so I wear it once and then I never wear it again. You know what you look like? You look like you have Oakley sunglasses with the band that comes across. Ah, the band.

You look, yeah, you're like, you're like, get the band back together. The strap down sunglasses. Yeah, yeah, mountain kinetic kit. I got a schooner, maybe a, like an older BMW, like a, like a 90s one. Mmm, that sounds nice. Getting specific here.

But, yeah, you wear clothes. I don't know I get sent stuff and I'm just going with the same old shit. I haven't done laundry in 70 years. It's all over now with a baby It's all out the door everything's puke-don shit on spit on come on. It's just a CSI over there It's a spectral this special victims unit. Yeah, and you drop off the laundry. It's three bags of line We've actually bagged now and then I'm like and you drop off the laundry. It's three bags of laundry. We have an extra bag now, and then I'm like, I didn't get the laundry. I've been wearing this in 78. Don't put the baby in there on accident, you know?

Get them spinning around on that spin cycle. I think it might like that. That does seem fun. It's a perfect size for it now. I would just say that my mother has a washer dryer in the house, and it's one of the ones in the window, and you can watch her go, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo.

Oh yeah. And all I can think is like, this baby's gonna shit his pants when he sees this. Oh, yeah That's a good time like rain man So my water my heat has been out for like eight years we had that too really just for a night But oh, it's been rough. It's been a couple weeks now So I emailed the guy and I go hey, I'm not paying now you don't have to pay well we got heat, but we don't have We don't have to pay. Well, we don't have a gas. Whatever that is.

But maybe it's got a lot of that. Yeah, so to the Nazis. But the stove won't turn on. But the heat is coming out of the furnace. Thank you. So heat, but no gas. No flame. So we got air fryer cooking and we got a slow cooker.

So now we're all electric like musk, but You can't dry your clothes and the dryer in the basement What's the whole building? Whole building. This is outrageous. Outrageous. So I email the guy to go is I'll knock off a couple bucks Which it took enough for me just to email the guy so I was like hey, I won you think the whole building would get together I know hey, and then I go how long they think the whole building would get together. I know. So, hey. And then I go, how long?

They go, we don't know. I'm like, what do you mean we don't know? What does that mean? I have no idea. So, I think, you know, we're making the move eventually. But now you got to wash your clothes, take them out, and then walk to a dryer, like a lady, a Chinese lady. Hungly.

Exactly. So, it's a whole thing. It's a whole to-do, where is used to go down there there drop it off, go up, rub one out, watch golden girls, go back in, flip it to the dryer, go up, watch half an Napoleon, and then get it out of there. Now I've said this before and I'll say it again, even if I had a washer dryer right in my house, I think I'd still drop my laundry off. I can't be bothered to be the flip it and the flop it and put a sheet in. Really? And a thing in and a fucking, you gotta eat a tide pod now.

I love the tide pod. I don't wanna do any of it. I don't wanna, I don't know how to fold my folds. Come on all fucked up. Real big, yeah. Some of the bad folds. Bad fold, all right. Well, I don't know, the lady does that.

She brings it to the Asian. I like the downstairs. Holy ew. With the quarters and everything everything you bring a stack of quarters. They do it in the building at the card machine. Okay, so you got to pay for the laundry anyway. But it's like eight bucks. Okay. You go to the you go to Wuhan.

It's 78. Well, I don't know. Maybe I'm in Queens. I don't know. I got nice people. I think it's the best deal in New York City. What? What?

Maybe every single piece of clothes, washed, dried, pressed, folded, smoothfold. Good fold. For like 16 bucks. Oh my, 100 bucks. 16. I don't have a lot of clothes, obviously. But yes, 16, 7, 18 bucks.

This fucking stupid plastic cat food dish of oatmeal, and this half an egg was 18 bucks. Man, has the sucks. It's right. You was 18 bucks. Man, hey, the sucks. It's a lot of move out of Manhattan, but not to Brooklyn. Yeah. To back you're moving to Brooklyn, makes me want to take my own life.

I don't know what you can do. You're gonna string you up and show you. I'm gentrified. I'm gonna walk in and just get a bowl horn and go retard and just get it out early. They're gonna see you. They're gonna be, it's gonna be like the opening of, what'd you just say earlier? Napoleon. Napoleon Napoleon or the end of brave heart same film. It's all the same

They're gonna be throwing carrots at you in Apple cores and banana peels Freedom They're gonna give me on the blue face. They're gonna think it's black face. They're gonna screw me over It's no good get out of there, but anyways over there in Queen's 15 bucks again all my clothes clean That's a deal. I get it now But you still got to leave the house and then go pick it up. That's what I don't like is the leave you're leaving the house Well, I am now the basement. I am now. I'm saying I hate it Like I know but even in the basement. You're still leaving the apartment going to the basement

True, but I haven't hit I haven't hit outdoor sky. I got no no outdoor on me. I love outdoor sky That's the best guy. It's it's the only sky really several the sky lounge or sky like but I miss flying Yeah, really you don't hear that every day the lounge travel I let what you're there. Why don't you in the air? It's kind of fun you fart you go you walk around that's true, but meal I had the weird thing yesterday I was at Salt Lake City with Janice. He went first class I was in the back. Oh, Chichin meanwhile. He's doing the club. I'm doing the theater and I'm still in the back. Let's go see a retarded Yeah, no, no retardation. It's like but too late Jerry

So take a different flight. I mean you can fly private if you wanted to well I got to get back you go back from the, I get home at nine in the night. West to East. I can suck my asshole and spit it on my dick. It's the worst thing ever. Agreed. You leave at 3.30 a.m. You get home at 7 p.m. the next night.

Nightmare. Nightmare, yeah. And then of course, that we land, the Yannis waited for me, which is a bench. And then he goes, all right, you want to get home? I go, I'm hitting the lounge.

And he's like, you hit the lounge on the way in, I'm like, you damn right, I'm that's dinner. So then we split. Uh-huh. But it's always weird with the plug, because you walk and then you just go to different places anyways. Yeah, I know, I was like, you didn't have to wait what are you doing.

That's a sweet. He's a sweet man, I love you, honest. Sweet Greek, but. So let me get back to the clothes. The clothes. In the dryer. Ah the clothes so I didn't know the the dryer shit was done because you put it in there and it still spins There's just no heat. Oh Yeah spinning wet spinning wet so I

Tangled wet we spin I got the spinning wet I get it out there. Woo, I did my part. Hey, that I'm all done. My clothes are clean. Soaking wet. You go, what the hell? And I talk to the super. He's like, yeah, there's no, no heat. I go, fuck. This is a terrible situation. So I had to run. I bring it back upstairs. And I go, all right, I got to run, you know, I'll just let these dry out. I didn't know you have to separate them. I just got a big clump of wet gizz in my living room just collecting mold mildew and and quees and it got super moldy and the wife's like, hey, you got to you got to go dry that they're going to you're going

to ruin these and I go, I'll be fine. It'll be fine. Shut up woman. And then two days later I pull them out. They're dry, but they smell like my dad's schmegma. Oh, God, the mold and the beautiful. So then I go to the Chinese lady and I go, hey, you gotta redrive these, they dried. It's almost like a beer. You know, a cold beer is great. A hot beer is not good,

but if you get a hot beer and try to recold it, it's not good. No, you can't re-cold. Can't re-cold. What's interesting is you can take warm beer and make it cold. I don't want to. I can take cold beer and make it warm.

That's true. And then make it cold, it's bad. Yeah. So it can stay warm all day and then get cold. Yes. That's good. But if it goes cold, warm, cold, it's bad. It's a very schizophrenic beverage. Yeah, I don then get cold. Yes, that's good. It's if it goes cold warm cold. It's bad. It's a very schizophrenic beverage Yeah, I don't get it. It's all about temperature Jerry

I've had some we had Neil deGrasse anal here. He could tell us the whole physics on brusquies But who knows did Conan with them did not smile once he hated me I Can see that yeah, I didn't care for me. All right. I think he's racist. He's a smart guy, but not really. So I bring it to the Chinese lady and I go, all right, put this on super heat, go nuts, really blast it. You know, put it in the furnace, put it in the incinerator. I come back two hours later. She goes, here you go. There's a fortune cookie on top. There's a little cat doing this for some reason. Always. And then I go, thank you, I get it back home. Woo, baby. Smells worse.

Oh. If you want, if you heat shit, it smells worse. If you put catch it on a hot plate, it's gonna smell worse. Of course. Heat is bad for smell. Heat is bad. It's like mold that you have on this show. I got super heated, warm mold. It's like in a hot tub. Oh, got I got super heated warm mold It's like in a hot tub like oh now I feel good

It's a mold like kicked up. Well think about if you took a shit and put it in the microwave and put it 30 for high High for 30 I meant I do it my wife's cooking But so now I don't want to I don't want her to know she was right So I'm just putting this shit on so I'm wearing a full Where in a three- piece moldy suit, walking around town, and people are going, oh, I'm on the subway. It's like an old deodorant commercial,

I walk in and they're like, what's up with this guy? Smells like a dumpster. So now I'm wearing these new clothes because everything I own smells like ass. I really think the sunglasses would go good. Yeah, I can't do this. So wrap around like the bread, the hitman heart. I can't do the strap around. Like the Bret the Hitman heart.

I can't, and whether it's rather rare strap on. But so yeah, I got moldy jizz all over my clothes and you open my closet, it's like, it's like there's eight migrants living in there. Oh boy. Yeah. I think it's a part, there's New York apartments. We all get a move, we gotta get the hell out of here.

It's a terrible place to be. It's not ideal, and it's not normal. We're really punishing ourselves just for some restaurants and some lights and a big tree and a Palestinian protest. Well, everything was built in 1489. It's all candlelight and bullshit, but we just had the same thing. I take a shower at night and now everything is all these,

you know, the classic thing with the kid, all the breaks are so precious. You're like, I'm gonna go take a hot shower. Have a nice 45 minutes in the shower, and I hadn't showered all day, and it's like the end of the night, and I think I was going somewhere, I can't remember. But I was like, I'm gonna take a hot shower,

and you're just in the shower, and it just never warms up. Right. And you're like, hold on, and this bullshit of like, you know, I know Wim Hof and Rogan and my sister's that. Yeah, but it's not fun when you want a hot shower. No, I love a hot show. And then you come out and,

I think that's the name of your dry cleaner, hot show. Oh, come out. And then I come out. I come out and the heat doesn't work. And I got a baby. So all night I'm like rubbing the baby, blowing on him. I'm putting a bag on his head to keep him warm. It's 48 degrees.

And you're gonna text the landlord six AM. And you're like, hey, the heat is out of get. We just have this, right? Two weeks ago. And that is a baby involved. So like it's me, I'll take it. We got a toddler here, step on it. I know, so you got to sit on him

and fart in his face to keep him warm. Sure. And then he goes, okay, well, the plumber will be over at 10 a.m. The pilot's out or whatever. It's in the audience. The pilot is in the audience. So then you get to, now I'm wrestling with the baby,

trying to get the baby to fall asleep. It takes an hour and a half. He's crying, whatever. He finally falls asleep. And then as soon as he closes his eyes, you hear the eye shoot open. Sure. Plumber guy comes.

He's like, and he's one of these guys. He's like a happy plumber. So he's coming up the stairs. Wow, what is this? The 50s and he's like, he's trying his fucking bag. He's got his wrench clank clank clank Hey, he yells from down. I'm not joking. He comes out. He's like Hey up there to have heard you got the fallout. This is like a

Plumber shut the fuck up. He's like a plumber in a porno. Like you see that you go Then no plumbers that happy with the wrench slinging in the Whistlin Well, I wish he folded my ankles over my head and pleaded me, because check those pipes. And what would have been nice, he comes up and I go, I'm sorry, so I had to like meet him halfway and I'm like, I'm sorry, I got a four week old baby, he just fell asleep and he's like, oh yeah, got you, 10 for, I'm just, I swear to God,

I'm just gonna go downstairs, sounds like the pilot's out, I'll go ahead and I'm like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. It goes down there, he fixes it, and then I'm like, I can hear the heat clicking on because heat in New York or any apartment in an old city, it's something that just comes on,

all of a sudden it's warm, it's like this. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, I'm like, okay, it's not like my dry clear. Yeah. Yeah. And so it comes back on, so I'm like, all right, I gotta go cut him off at the path I know he's gonna whistle dixie all the way up here sure enough I hear him coming

He's like hey, yeah, I got it all lit up up there. I'll be right up to check it I'm like shut up piece of shit. I almost be callistered him I wanted to put a paint can on a rope and swing it down and hit him sure sure and he comes I'm like I'm like the baby I got a I'm one of these guys now. I got a baby, you're beating some shit and he's like, oh yeah, I got you, I forgot, I forgot. And then he comes all the way up and I'm like, I'm telling him, I'm like, it's on, it's on, it's good. And he goes, yeah, yeah, no, so, yeah, so just don't take a shower for 20 minutes. It's got to heat up and I'm like, it's on. I don't need you anymore.

Right. Get the bricks out of here. And of course the baby's up for half an hour. I just showed him pictures of plumbers and put the plunger on his face, quieted him down. But what was I gonna say? Something else, oh, and then run on that fucking pimple. He's loud too. I love run on, Jo and Ron on talk movies,

Best Pod going, Checking out, it's the best, it's the greatest, the numbers that threw the roof. This is everybody's favorite new podcast. There you go. Those are are all our garbage lines I don't know if that was coming through ah anyways so he's got like a 7 30 a.m. flight I'm awake anyways the baby's awake doesn't matter but I just hear this run on fucking I go what the fuck is this so I look out the little people He's texting while leaving the apartment and he's just dragging his suit Oh my god, I'm like pick up your suit What the fuck what are you what are you selling books on the road? Yeah, your Bible salesman should have said bricks brick is funny

Then book Brood? Yeah, Bible salesman? Should have said bricks. Brick is funny in the book. Ah, fuck. Anyways, yeah, he's clanging down the thing. So every noise now, which brings me my next point, and I've never had anything blow up like this in my life. I gotta start thinking outside the box. Okay. I'm over here doing an hour of killer standup comedy. That's no good.

That's out, no one cares about that. That sucks. I got, you know, podcasts, when we talk about blowing our dads and eatin' jizz, I think it's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. Now, I'll laughin'. That's comedy. 10 years straight, I never laughed so hard in my life. We topped off on numbers 48 years ago.

Yeah, we've plateaued. I'm over here talkin' about, I'll break down a movie and call Ron on a piece of shit with the best of them sure That doesn't get anything. I'm talking mental health with a bunch of fucking slow people going hey, maybe your dad touched you Yeah, that don't do nothing. Yeah, all right a lot of effort. I sometimes I'll write a film a feature film. I'll act right in it That don't move the needle rotten tomatoes can blow me Yeah, fuck you tomato meter right in it. That don't move the needle. Rotten tomatoes can blow me. Yeah, fuck you tomato meter.

So I got an old asshole, old. Cunt, across the street from my house. Oh, I was gonna say it's no way to talk about Sarah. I got, and I think maybe there's servants, I had turner husband, he wears, he had a mask on a COVID mask. Nothing the Serbian flag. Oh really? But I don't think there's a Serbian flag. Oh really?

But I don't know. It's like a red and white checker. Could you be a red and white checker? All the more. Okay. Okay. Every morning, 8 a.m. Oh boy.

I just hear this. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Well, I always got a drone out there. She has a electric fucking leaf blower. I videoed it, I put it on Instagram. I never had anything blow up.

I got, I'm not kidding. I got 750 messages. This piece of shit, you should share it. You should fuck her. My next special is just gonna be an old lady leaf blowing. Wow. It's gonna be called JoList, blows leaves. And I'm gonna just stand there

while someone blows leaves all over the town. That sounds like a lot of hot air. But she blows, first of all, who has a leaf flow in New York City? I know, it's her to that. There's four leaves. Well, I wish she would leave me alone. Yes.

That'll get the podcast to the top of the jokes. Yeah, we're cooking. She comes out and she blows them to a pile and then her fucking stupid joke of it and husband sweeps them into a thing. But she, we, one thing if she kept it on, it just went, right, right. But it's this,

woo, woo, woo. The erratic, you can't tell when it's happening. 8 a.m. Oh. It's, I'm awake now. The erratic you can't tell when it's happening 8 a.m So I'm awake now. I wake up at 4 30 a.m. I'm a fucking farmer sure, but still your You're sitting there with the baby you're trying to whatever is sit there fucking calm if he's sleeping you get a little work done Well, what do you do with this? Should I go out there? Should I kick her in the ass? You know what I'm thinking about doing? Is collecting all the leaves of my side of the street

and then just putting them on her side of the street. I feel like what you just gotta go out there and do it again. I'm like, I know, but it's worth it to me to make her keep doing her fucking stupid leaf bullshit. I know, go move to the sticks. You want leaves around. You wanna have a garden.

You wanna shovel and rake. Get the fuck outta here. Well, also, I'm like, you live in an apartment. I know. You're leaf blower live. Is it just on your living room? Like, is it in the closet? It's probably hanging on the wall, like a rifle.

They got it over the mantle, I guess. But yeah, these leaf blower people get a rake. Go amish. Oh, or a broom, whatever, who gives a fuck? They're on your sidewalk. It doesn't even make sense. I know, I know, it's not even yours, it's city property. Yes, that's what I don't get. And it goes all day.

And so I posted a video just giving you the finger. I'm like, this lady sucks. I'm not kidding, I've never had anything get more of a response ever. In LA, they made leaf blower as illegal. Well, I've heard my pal Derek, he's an engineer. And he said, they're the worst thing, because it's the noise pollution,

and they're horrible for the environment. They kick up, shit. Gas and fuel and all this stuff. It's like one of the worst thing, because it's the noise pollution and they're horrible for the environment. They kick up, they're pouring gas and fuel and all this stuff. It's like one of the worst things for the environment and the noise pollution of course. And it's all just because you don't feel like raking, I guess. They don't even do an efficient job.

They're literally blowing all over the place. Exactly. There's nine leaves. I think it just gives her a purpose. This is my daily, I water the plants, I jerk off, and then I leave below. And is it eight o'clock? Is that not fucking egregious? Well, that's what these people do. It's the same with the b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b I'll knock this out, it'll be, it'll be gravy. But isn't work nine to five?

Well, that's a whole other bag of hammers. That's good, boo, boo, boo, boo. We can get into that, but how come I get on the road at 401 and people go, that's rush hour? I'm like, well, aren't they getting out at five? Isn't that strange? I think the nine to five is over it, because now in New York rush hour,

because some people, they can make their own schedules, I think. So they go in from six to three. I'm six three. Yeah, I wish. I don't know, I guess they just leave early, but in New York there's nine million people in the fucking city. Sure. So anytime a day there's at least seven hundred and fifty thousand people trying to leave.

And it did feel like I've only been doing comedy for ten minutes, but it felt like when I started comedy, you'd go to a cafe at noon. You were the only content there. No, I go at noon. And the whole place is filled with cuts. Uh, I know it's all pipes and change, but I don't know. Believe me, I've been driving from New York to Boston

and back for 27 years. And you leave it any time of day. Any time. Sandy Hook. I always say the traffic's the worst thing that happened there. It's a real bummer, but anyways, that lady, I don't know, I'm thinking about getting a BB gun or a bullet gun. What does that mean, BB?

That's what they call a little BB. I mean, I know that, but what does BB mean? Where did it come from? That's just a word like camera. But isn't the letters BB? No, it's B-E-B. No. I'm telling you, give it a goog.

I've never seen it written B-E-B-E. I've looked this up, and then it just changed over there's much like donut. Donut is DOUGH and UT. This sounds like Gallagher. I know, right? D-U-M-B. Really?

What do you got on bb? Ball bearing. Ball bearing. Ball bearing. Ball bearing. Ball bearing. That makes sense. That's good. Yeah, bb.

That's good. Good call. Yeah. When did you look it up? Maybe it was different when you looked it up. Yeah, it was the 40s. It was a while ago. They changed bearing.

That makes sense. Ball bearing. Ball ball. It says it could be either bullet ball ball That sounds like a fun sport. That's a good move. You see bullet ball with Schwarzenegger killer bullet balls a good idea for For a game, you know, you play it's like basketball, but somebody has a gun one guy gets a gun on the court Yes, and then you don't know who it is though, and then you go for a dunk and he shoots you in the head. Maybe this NBA and R.A. This is it.

That's it. That's it. National bullet association. Okay. Now we're really solving some problems. All right. But anyways, I hate this lady. I want to throw eggs at her.

I don't know what to do. Somebody said you should glue leaves on the sidewalk. I would be fun. I like that. I was thinking about getting just putting some super glue on the handle so she can't let it go. She stuck with it. But that's a whole thing. That's tricky.

You gotta break in the house and get the super glue. Yeah, good one. What am I supposed to just kill her? That feels criminal. Yeah, you're in the house just shoot her. Well, hopefully she dies. I don't know, I hope she dies. I'm not even kidding.

I'm out the door with all the being nice. I hope this lady passes. Not nothing bad. Just like, her steps on a shoelace, falls down the stairs, both hips shatter, maybe some brain injury, bleeds out, nothing serious. Well, it makes you wanna do something that would piss her off and then go, all right, I'll stop if you stop.

Well, you wanna do the thing where you're like, okay, so you're up at A, well, I'm up at one. And then you wanna go outside her apartment, just go, woo! I know, all right, get a kazoo. But the problem is is these people go eight is a normal hour one is not we have some weird Social construct with the the 7 a.m. To 10 p.m. But some of it is just general Consideration and you're in New York City like there has to be at least 700 people that are hearing this Of course of course it was the same with a truck idol. They just

that are hearing this fucking voice. Of course, of course. It was the same with the truck idol. They just, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Yeah, that is scary. I've never done every once in a while. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and think about like, what have that guy had seen me? Oh, yeah. Out of her bedroom, like just forever, they would know. And those guys don't fuck around. No, this is a scary, no, this is a structure, I mean, this was like a, listen into hip hop

with the decals on the car. Oh, I picked it a big 18 wheel. No, no, this is, I'd take a new 18 wheel over. Ah. This was like a real Nair do well got shit. That's one end win word But yeah, okay, where you been? What have you been doing? Hit me with something? I don't know we need something Well, let me throw this in your pipe and see if it's semen. I Had a couple of humdingers. I've been

selling tickets here and then not selling tickets there. Right. The markets, Jerry. They're all over the road. Markets, Normans. Yes. Boston market. So I got Santa Rosa, California, A. Oh, Santa Rosa. That's what the big fire. Is that right? Yeah. That's what the wildfires are. Yeah. Santa Rosa. Oh, I wish I had known that. I that right? Yeah, that's what the wildfires are. Yeah, Santa Rosa. Oh, I wish I had known that. I thought it was Maui. No, the old one a couple of years ago.

Oh, I wish I would have, I would have opened that. Right, Santa Rosa, huge, huge fires, right? Give it a good, look up Santa Rosa. I think like 2019, that was like the big massive fire. Well, how about that? I remember that. They always get the helicopter and drop water. Yeah, or the plane. That's always fun.

It never seems to work. Never does a lick a good. I think you need, I think, but I imagine if they didn't do it, I guess. Santa Rosa was devastated by the 2017 Northearned California wildfires, which in the city alone took nine lives. Woo. Like a 20 car and destroyed 3,043 homes. Well, when they devastated, I can be devastated.

What do you mean devastated? Like they were hurt or they were affected? I think it means 3,000 homes. Yeah, 3,000 homes physically devastated. I know. I know you can be physically devastated. I thought it was a feeling. Again, in September 2020, which maybe what you're thinking of, the glass fire also impacted

Santa Rosa, destroying another 34 homes Lama. 23. Yeah, I don't know sounds like a bad 80s band. You want to see glass fire? Yeah, so I go to Santa Rosa by the way, it's called the Luther Burbank Center for the Arts or something like that. Luther Burbank, a parent was like a Gadsby in the old days. He was a botanist and he was just having crazy sex parties in his mansion. But this is a hidden gem. This is like a weird California town.

It's a wine country. It's messy. It's all highway and open land. What a killer venue. Really? It sounds good and bad. You're like, it's all highway, but but then nice I don't want to live there I'm saying the venue is killer. Yeah, and it's just beautiful George Carlton is last special there

No, that's the spot. I'm it's bad for you. Yeah, yeah, that was shot there. That's how good And I was like where's this place? No one's ever been talking about Denver and Phoenix and San Francisco. This place is killer. I wanna tape something there. Wow, well that's a great market. Those people know their shit over there. The, what do you call it? Bay area. Is that Bay?

That's the Bay area. Is it? Oh, all right. I mean, that's where you're drawing people from the Bay area. I guess you're right. I guess you're right. I guess you're right. I could be wrong.

You were just there. I don't know. I don't know how close it is. Yeah, you're right. I guess you're right. I can be wrong. You were just there. I don't know. I don't know how close it is. Yeah, you're right I've landed in SF. Yeah, drove an hour and a half Okay, okay, there you go. I mean these people are very particular about Bay Area. That's true But yeah, you're drawing that's the market. Yes. Yes, the gay area. So great Great venue did it with Caleb sign and he's a killer. And then had the whole thing where we rent a car, got to give a shout out to Enterprise. Enterprise is figured it out. I mean, Enterprise is great, but we're giving shout outs to massive corporations here. Well,

I'm out of McDonald's. There you go, Starbucks. But hey, Starbucks deserves a shot. I know you like the SB, but I'm just saying, you know my rental car was, I go here, you got a wait line, you got to talk to a guy, it's a whole thing, you got to wait, it's brutal. This was like a lady at a podium, it's in the parking garage, she's show up to the parking garage,

a lady's in a podium and she goes, what's your name? Okay, here's your key and I got in the car. Oh, I love that. It was incredible. When it's good, it's great. That Okay, here's your key, and I got in the car. Oh, I love that. It was incredible. When it's good, it's great. That is the best. Was that at SFO? Yes.

I mean, you got to do the shuttle. We got to do the shuttle to the car, but hey, you got to still got to get to the car. You know, it's like, if they could invent a place that would just pick you up, like you know how you got the guy with the black hat and the sign that says, list. Yes.

Do that with rental cars. But isn't that Avis or Hertz will pick you up? That was their whole thing. Really? There is that place. What's will pick you up car rental? Will pick you up. Will pick you up.

I think it's Hertz or Avis. Remember Avis will pick you up. Oh yeah, that's vague. I'm gonna say. That's the one they would do that like at your house. If you wanted to rent a car from your apartment, they'd come pick you up. I don't know if they still do that.

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Yeah, that was their big thing. Well pick me up from the airport. How about that? Yeah, that was their big thing. Well, pick me up from the airport. How about that? It says non-airport. Ah! But that's where I'm going. I don't live there. That's why you're in a girl car. No, you do.

You get the driver guy with the hat, the, you know, the, uh, Lloyd Christmas guy. Yes. Pick it up. Take you to someone's house. Ah-house. Then you have enterprise meet you there.

I like it. You get picked up. You go to someone's home. You fuck them. you steal their TV, and then you get an enterprise. Well, when you rent a car and it's good, there's nothing, it's like all travel, it's like a microcosm.

It's a nightmare, it's annoying, but once you have that car and you've driven it off the lot, and you put the little paper up in the visor, you find the tunes, you get the mirrors adjusted and, woo! Oh, yeah. Off you go, and you're a little leaf blower. paper up on the visor, you find the tunes, you get the mirrors adjusted and Off you go and you're a little leaf blower. Yes, I mean, don't get me wrong. I hit SF traffic immediately and I was like, I'm gonna go to the hotel, check in, jerk off, take a shower, had to go straight to the gig because all the SF traffic. So get to the gig, killer gig, we go out, we get drunk with the entire staff

of this venue. Wow. Yeah. And it was like, we go out, we get drunk with the entire staff of this venue. Wow. Yeah, and it was like a whole time. I'm gonna use to do that with the clubs. I was gonna say, you never hear about that with a theater. I know. I didn't even know there was a staff at a theater. Well, these are pot-smoking Bay Area weirdos. They're all fun-loving and dreadlocky and they got a hemp shit going.

So we go out to this random bar. So I do a move on stage. So buckle up if you don't want to hear this. But I go, whoop-ar we going to? And everybody goes, Julio's, my mom's house, Jenny's or whatever, title wave. And I go podcast by the way. Yeah, I'm like, we're going to title wave.

Let's do it. And everybody goes, woo, title wave. So title wave gets a giant wave of drunks from my show. And then I go to Dave and Buster's do it. I remember going, woo, tidal wave. So tidal wave gets a giant wave of drunks from my show and then I go to Dave and Buster's over here. Oh, that's a good move. Yeah. Yeah, I feel bad for the people. I know I get a lot of messages like we're it tidal wave You know, they'll turn the camera on. It's all these people like, woo comedy You know, I see a people. I've been that guy by the way Say Patrick's Day

2009 going I don't see it and you're like I just walked in I'm like I'm standing a sea of people. I've been that guy, by the way. Say Patrick's Day 2009 going, I don't see it. And you're like, I just walked in. I'm like, I'm standing on the bar. I'm on up shoulders. You're like, I'm in here somewhere. That went on for about two hours. I'm not getting, I don't recall it. Yeah.

So, I'm now I go to Dave and Busters. They're hip to me. The whole place is full of the whole show's there. When they go in to see you or they just happen to go to Dave and Busters. No, they were at my show and they went to Dave and Busters. I guess because they're like, fuck title, way to that place sucks. And then I show up at Dave's and the whole place is full of the show and I got a headlock, I got a noogie, I got a credit card swipe.

So, did a lot of shots, a lot of unwanted drinks, but I felt bad. So I took them down, took a lot of shots, a lot of a lot of unwanted drinks, but I felt bad. So I took them down to a lot of photos. They whisk me into a little corner. And I just talked to the staff and they shit on about eight comics for the whole night. It was great. Let me know after I'm interested. I will. I will. One is in some hot water right now. He got trashed. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know who's in hot water. Well, Matthew Perry. But, um,

shh. Yeah, so we got way too drunk than a drunk drove home back to the hotel. You know that thing where you check in at four? In the hotel. Yeah, you know, you're like, hey, I'm here. I got my suitcase.

I'm parked on six parking spots. And I'm like, hey, I'm here to check in. Mark Norman, you take your wallet out, you drop it, you burp on the lady, and then you check in, and then you have to leave at 11. Yeah, that's annoying. Yeah, but that's, you know, it's on me. What are you gonna do?

Yeah. So you wake up, you're hungover, mean Caleb jumping the car. We drive to Sacramento. Sacktown, the Bay Area, and back down. Oh yeah. The crest, the Bay Area, and back town. Oh yeah. The crest, the inner two shows. Wow.

Great time. Killer, killer room. Had the kid filming me, didn't get one lick of footage. What do you have salacuse out there? Is this something? No, it was on me. I just couldn't think of anything. You ever have that where they're like,

George Santos and I'm like like that guy lies. Oh Yeah, all right. When you got over here, you know, it was I was off. I want to do a whole special like that where I do crowd work and just make a conversation about the place. Yes. Yes. Where you're from? I Louisville. I'm a hominale Jesus from there. Yeah. And then you move on. I just did that for 20 minutes of growth. 34. I mean, I'm gonna release the whole thing. I'm like, here you go. There's your crowd work. That's anti-candy. Where are you from? I'm from Florida. Oh, wow. He Florida, Pant, there's such a state. There you go. All right. Good work. Queen. Yeah. That was me. That happens. I mean, you know, to me, it's like, that's right away. Well, that's right. That's pretty good. It's fun. I guess, you know, hang out with Chap.

And then you see the guy later, he's like, I was the Florida guy. You know, he always get that guy. But yeah, great time. And Sacrament was a great little town. Yeah, I haven't explored Sacrament too much. I've done the club a couple of times. We did it, of course.

The bunch goes ago with Derosa. Yeah, that was fun. 2010. What a wild weekend I would. We just drank all day day swam in the pool Did shows drank all night? We couldn't find it couldn't find the city. We're just walking on the highways pre-following really. Yeah, I got some great photos of that I was all my way to Peru went to Peru

Yeah, and then we tried to get to Rosa to fuck all these women. We saw piranha or something like that piranha the movie yeah with the tits piranha 3d Deroza loved it. We thought he was stupid Then we went to like cheesecake factory and we hooked him up with that old bag. Yeah, yeah, he kept trying the old bag It was like a 68 year old woman. She was like got out of here. I need a older man with shoulders. Yeah She's like I need a shoulder to cry on my husband's dead Deroza such a nut. We're sitting there with him. We're like, hey, look at that hot old lady. She's got to be 88.

And he was like, really? I think she's how we're like, God, she's so sexy. The old women give the best head all this shit. And he's like, really? You think so? I'm like, I dare you to go ask her out. And he was like, we convinced him

that he got up and asked her out. I've always been blown away by those people that have just walked up to women and say, hey, do you want to go out with me? You never did that? Ah, maybe drunk late in the night a couple times. Yeah. I had to have a lot of alcohol.

Let me tell you a story about Derek's wedding. His wife's friend, the beginning of the week, was like one of these destination there for the week kind of thing. You're there for Wednesday through Sunday. And I was like, you got any friends? I want to fuck your friend. I don't care if she's ugly or fat or gross or as braces or she's a child Yeah, she was I have one single friend. I met her. I wasn't indoor. I was like yuck not my

Yeah, well, you know, I just wasn't vibing and I was hang with the boys Sure with all the buddies all the buddy boys and then So we're there for five days to kept seeing her go., hey, so nice to see you, okay, take care, come here. And then at the reception, the after party, he's like the wedding, then the reception, and the after party. Oh, that's one of the debauchery really kicks up. Well, it's 4 a.m. the lights come up,

it's broad daylight now, last minute, 11th hour, and I walk up to Erica, my friend, and I say, yeah, I think it's too late to make a move when you're friend, and she goes, yeah. And I was like this. All right, well, I just had to ask. Yeah, but it was like one of those things where like all of a sudden you're horny,

you're like, is that person? And it's at the buzzer, you know, it's like the last call where you look around and you're like, oh boy, there's a couple of linebackers in here, but this is it. I gotta make the move. Well, that's the thing. I never had the, I would always,

I never wanted to get turned down. Of course. So I would just always go like, hey, nice to meet you. And I would just be like a buddy. And then at the last, after three hours of being buddies, I'd be like, when are we funny if we fucked? And she's like, funny.

Yeah. And you're like, this, all right, never mind. I know. I really needed the woman to make the moves. It's really hard, it's a lot of work, it takes a lot of hours, a lot of like, put time in as guys call it. You know, that's why the gays are really happy people.

Unbelievable, the gays, they just go and suck each other off, and then keep it moving. They put their dick through a hole in a brick wall at a rest area, they get it sucked, they get back in the car and they go to the share concert. Yeah, and there's no me-tuing or anything. It's literally like, hey, nice to meet you, your handsome, would you want to suck me off?

And if the guy doesn't want to, he's like, ah, no, I can't, right? All right, take care. Well, it's a fascinating thing because women like fucking, they like sex, but they have to have so much prep and I get it. Like they can get pregnant. They can get a, you know, a bad guy, a mean guy and aggressive guy. So there is that, but it's almost a sucks for them that they can't enjoy just immediately fucking someone. Right.

They just can't enjoy that. So that actually makes their life worse. Yeah, it's hard. And well, I'm sure they get a lot of clingery people too. Oh, yeah, no, we know that goes out there. And the one thing you don't want to get is pregnant. I can tell you that. But yeah, I would not want a kid. But yeah, I was, that was where time sometimes even when women really put it out there, I still was like, oh, really? She hates me. Yeah. Crippling self-esteem back in those days. Yeah, it was tough.

I was like, really? Kill it. Well, you ever have this one? You ever have the girl like after a couple hours, she's like, hey, you know, why, I've been waiting for you to come talk to me. And you're like, how on earth would I know that? Right.

How would I have that knowledge? Tell a girl to come up and go, my friend likes you. Then I'll do everything else. I love that. I needed that. Love that. Very rarely got it. It's no surprise why there's all these problems with the dating world. It's like, you gotta know what the woman wants. And then you gotta take a shot. But if you take a shot and she didn't want it, then you're an asshole. But she won't tell you what she wants. You have to figure it out It's all very vague and wacky. Just tell me message me. That's why DMs. I didn't have the DMs DMs lip. Yeah, love the

Now it's different. I mean Chuck's got 11 women exactly. I mean, it's crazy. That's how easy it is anybody got glue could do it but it It's women I've talked to women about this, they go, well, we don't want to get rejected. You're like, but neither do we. Right. Well, how come your feelings of getting rejected are more valid than mine? And they go, you're the guy.

I'm like, I still have feelings, but I guess no one cares about him. Yeah, I just never thought anybody wanted to fuck me. No, same. And it turns out many did. Really? Uh, many strong. Hey, I had sex with 39 women fuck me. Now same. And it turns out many did. Really? Not many strong.

Hey, I had sex with 39 women. That's not bad. Whoa. That's not bad. That's not bad at all. I mean, you gotta consider I've been in a relationship for 13 years and I was in two other two-year relationships. That's 17.

Yep. And I've only been an adult for 22 years. That's not bad. Who is the best? best stuff. I mean best is tough because it's like Hottest. Yeah, who got you going? I really get you goat. Well, yeah, I had I mean we could have to talk off air But there's a couple dudes who's yeah, who really did something nice for me But yeah, some people different strokes for different folks Yeah, some people would suck nice for me, but yeah, some people different strokes for different folks.

Yeah, some people would suck you dick with twisting the head. Oh, yeah, love that love a head twist. That is top notch. Yeah, the twisty head, the twisty like a some people they love sucking dick. Yeah, guilty. But you know, I'm with you. It's a very, well, if you're good at something, I think we want to let you know they're good at it. Yeah, you got to I'm with you. It's a very, uh, it's a, well, if you're good at something, I think we want to let you know they're good at it. Yeah, you got to do it so well.

But anyway, sorry. Sorry. It's, uh, sex. Yeah, but flying back from sack, what, you, you ever look at the clock, you go, me, me, me, me, me. I hit the alarm, it's 8 AM. I packed my shit up.

You get to the air, you got to return the rental car. Uh-huh. By the way, don't ever get the prepaid gas. No, of course, the biggest sin was bad ever. I've fucked up with this. Unless you push it in on empty, we've had this exact conversation. I've had pushed it in. We've had this same exact date.

We'll move on. Unless you put it in neutral and push it in. I've done a fucking you out of money. Yes, I looked at the gas when he, you know, you read, you know, they always give you that email at the end that you never look at. Uh-huh. I looked at it $92 for the prepaid gas.

Oh, cause California. I guess so. What you're renting SUV? No, I gotta, I gotta tank. No, I gotta, I gotta Nissan, whatever. But the guy was nice enough, because I've brought it back in. I'm, I'm trying to like hit the gas during driving, just to use it all, you know, just to make my money's worth. I've done the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pulling

in and out of parking lots and stuff. So I bring it in and it's half full, like literally right on noon, right on that 12 in the middle. And the guy goes, you paid for a full tank. I'll just charge for half a one. So whatever, $45. That's nice. But I realized we got the live nation shell cards. I could have filled it up for free. I've done the same thing.

I've driven to DC and back. I gotta sell it to somebody. Yeah. Cause I don't, I'm never driving. And now every time I'm driving, I should see a shell station. That's hard to say. Shell station Because I don't, I'm never driving. And now every time I'm driving, I see a shell station. That's hard to say. Shell station.

She sees a shell station. At the seashore. But anyway, I keep seeing it and I'm like, fuck, I have, and then someone else gave me a shell card. Yeah. So I got two shells. Mine the shell. I don't know.

I'm on my move. Shell tube. But yeah, uh. Shell B. Ah. all right. B. She'll a alright. So the shell cards though, a lot of the folks at home know,

but live nation has been raping everyone on ticket prices and fees and search charges. So I think they feel bad. So they're giving all these comics shell cards, like 250 bucks for shell. Yeah, I think a gift card. I'm trying to shell mine. Yeah, and well, here a little shellfish, but I can't find a shell to save my life. Ah, so I'm going out of the way.

I'm spending 20 bucks in gas to find a shell, but it's a whole thing. That's what's hard about it. It's a way, it's like someone giving you a Super Bowl ticket. It's like a Stanseys, you can get Bill. He'll give me a shell card. It's like just living you a Super Bowl ticket. It's like a Stan's, he's like, you can get a bill. He'll hand me a shell card. It's like just living on my mind. Yeah.

And I'm like, just give me 250 bucks. I'm grateful, I understand, everyone's got a right to us. Nice, nice, nice, nice. And then we're grateful. But you got a gift card to shell gas station. And again, I only drive once every three months. Yeah. It's object impermanence.

I have to tape the shell card on my door. Yes. Because you're never leaving the house thinking like, okay, do I have any gift cards that I'm gonna need? Yes. I mean, we're a corporate shell. All right, shell silver stain. But yeah, so got there, but my point is,

you get the 8 a.m. wake up call. You know, you return the rental car, you get on the shuttle, you get to the airport, you fly to Salt Lake City to connect. Salt Lake City in the back of the plane to JFK. I look at my watch. Oh, God, it's 9 30 New York time. Then you get home from JFK, now it's 10 30. And you're like, man, that whole day is gone. I did nothing that whole day. And I got up at eight, California time. I know. And now I'm here at 10.30 New York, it's a whole country.

That's why you gotta really try to enjoy the film you're watching on the plane. Yes, yes. Or read a book or send an email or write a joke. Because otherwise you're like, what the hell did I just do? I know, I know. Well, luckily Delta throws you the free Wi-Fi now. That's nice.

That's big. So you can kind of get some emails done or post a clip, whatever the fuck. But I just had that was a rainy weekend. I had the weekend up Saturday Sunday off. And it's rainy, it's Sunday was a wash out. And then you got a baby, you got to watch the baby. So you're just like, I didn't do anything.

That was my house for 50 hours straight. Well, you kept a baby're just like, I didn't do anything. That was my house for 50 hours straight. Well, you kept a baby alive. Yeah, I did that. I mean, you go for a walk and you have, I'm enjoying the baby. But in the old days, that I mean, six weeks ago,

on a Saturday, Sunday, it's like, I flew to Minnesota, I ran to the bike, I rode a bike all over the city, I went to two museums, I went hiking hiking I cheated on my wife with a boy Yes, I went Relapsed and it did four shows you do a meet and greet I met three thousand people I fly back and it feels like Two years have passed right now. It's like it's all Mashed into one mashed potato of a day. I know what 75 hours of football

But I got a tape on my Friday night. I hit me fatty. Best nights of my whole life. Ooh, because everything now, it's really like, whoa. Yeah. Oh, but so Friday night, I got Grove 34, which is a godsend. Love the 34.

This is the best thing that ever happened to my life. Best comedy club in the city, I say. Wow, that's a little much. Telling you that it's a nice room and good, good staff over there. Well, I'm telling you, I mean, the seller, can you just go to the seller and say, hey, can I do an hour and then you just give me the money and I book whoever I want?

No. No, you can't. You can't do it there. And at the seller, is it just people that came directly to see you. No, they want to see Zarna Garg and whoever we're all great comics. They have Johnson and I don't know. Do we just name a hundred percent of the Z comics? Yeah, maybe Zolozoro. Siltch. A lot of zilches. Yeah, look at the seller. All right.

Oh, oh, zippers. Zonko. Zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, zip, Yeah, is it pretty do to okay? I think we nailed it. Zach. Oh, Zach is all the Zach. Zach, Zach Sims, Zach, no towers, Zach. Well, Zach Sims, is he gonna stand up still? I think he's out in LA doing something. Oh, he is, okay. Yeah.

What's for those guys, Quentin, one of those, your buddies. Zach Moore, I think Neil Stasney quit. I think he's writing. Oh, he's so funny. That counts, yeah, funny guy. Anyway, Stasney. You see, I don't know. Oh, I see. You see? So Friday night, I'm at Grove 34. Anyways, I think it's the best club. It's run by comics. It rules

and it's also five blocks from my house, which is nice Yes, that's it. That adds to this list That is in the allure, but you can also smoke cigars in there. Oh, that's right drink for free Yes, hookers back I'm saying there's a lot of benefits there a lot of perks that they don't have at the stand-in-sellers free M&Ms As well there you go. There's a nice TV back there. Only Green Room with a TV. Yes, yes. They taped the shows. They just give it to you.

They'll make reels for you. Yeah, good point. Sorry. I didn't know what the reels. Oh yeah. So there's a lot going on there. And you can even be like, hey, let me do a 4 p.m. show.

Can I do a 1 p.m. show? They'll really work with you. Yeah. So anyways, I love them. I love Grove 34 Sarah Shard is special there. Get excited about that. That's gonna be fun. So Friday night, I got the 7P show. And Adrian Appledges a 9P. Oh, now we got a bumper. So she texts Sarah and goes, Hey, why don't you open for me at the 9P? And I say, Okay, great. I'll do the 7. I'll come

back. We'll leave you from the baby. Then you go over there and do the show. There you go, tag team back again. Now we're talking. So I get our pal Karen Fein on the show, past guest, she's got the picture on. Check out those feet. One of our favorites, feet hand. And so I go, hey, come to the show.

You come early, see the baby, we'll hang out. Yes. And we'll have a little little family hang. I got Shivone, Shivone, he's alone. Yes, and we'll have a little little family hang. I got chivone chivoni balloon. Hey good bulge Love chivone. So he's on the show. So we're hanging out. It's a it's a rainy night and so RIP McGowan Karen comes over. She's late. So she gets there. It's pouring range. She comes up I don't know. She's raining. So we're supposed to hang out. I'm like all right

We have to leave it two minutes. So kiss the baby. Kiss my wife. Kiss my dick. Kiss be bang bang So we hang out for a few minutes. I go all right. We got to get over there So I was like Sarah you're on the second show. Oh, so I forgot this part We get text I get text from Adrian says hey you got the guys number at Grove 34. Oh, boy So like I go. Yeah, here you go next thing. You know, old Jed's a millionaire, Sarah, and Karen get the text. Hey, could you guys go headline? Adrian's like a delayed or whatever. Oh no.

So now they're the show. So now it's like a big night. They're hosting the show, whatever. So, Fih and I, I'm like, we'll walk to Grove 34, do the show. After Karen's set, you come back here, hang with Sarah and the baby. I'll do my show, I'll shoot back, I'll tag YouTube back, YouTube go back over. To do the show.

Yeah, this is a real musical chairs. Quite a musical chair, so, now you know, you know, she's a, she's up for crush. She makes a lot of cash. You always, she wears designer, she takes lifts everywhere. You got there, what do you call it? High maintenance? No.

High society. High society. Yes. This girl, she knows how to live. Oh, she lives well. So I go, well, we'll just walk over. It's a few blocks. Unbeknownst to me, it's pouring rain.

And so I don't have an umbrella. I go, I got no umbrella. We'll just walk. We'll get a little wet. We walk out there. I don't have an umbrella. I got no umbrella, we'll just walk, we'll get a little wet. We walk out there, I don't realize, because she just arrived, I've been inside for 48 hours with a baby, it's like a downpour. So I feel responsible, I'm like, oh, thanks for opening for me.

I'll give you 10 bucks and whatever, we start walking. It's like, whew. So it's whipping inside way, it's like Braveheart rain. And it's a twister. And so, I throw her on my back. I'm carrying her. I put a rain jacket over her tits. Oh yeah.

We get over there with soaks, like the shoe slosh. We just step in the water's coming out the socks. I'm like, I'm just apologizing profusely. I feel terrible. We should've taken a lift. Ice suck. Packed house. We go in the back.

I got my boy Lex filming. It's all gonna be on a punch up live. The new thing. Hell yeah. That'll really be something. Maybe. We go back there. Packed crowd.

Bunch of Tuesdays. Hottest crowd. Yeah. They showed up in the Katrina and the downpour. Absolutely. And we're back there goofing around. Karen and I are playing up with the camera. And you hear Shivone just getting like, bring the painour. Absolutely. And we're back there goofing around, Karen and I are playing up with the camera. And you hear Shivon just getting like,

bring the pain loss. Wow. He's doing that inward bit. He's, he's, I looked out, he's wearing all leather. He's like, the mother fuckers can't be shopping. Oh, whatever. He kills, fiend murders. She comes off, I go, go,

it's, it goes hang out with Sarah and the baby. She goes, of course, what do you think I'm gonna watch you? You piece of shit. I said, all right, that's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it'sing. Well, you know, we were like Friday, that's Thursday. Just a guest spot. All right. Although he paid me, which felt a little weird. Yeah. Oh boy. But anyway, so I do the show, the show rule that kicked us.

He's like, I gave him 40 bucks. I don't need to pick up my suitcase. Nah, let's drag it out the street. Killer show, I finish, say goodbye. I mean a couple of people, hey, thanks for coming. Now it's no like Shavon gives me a ride back to the house. I say thanks for the ride. I go upstairs, baby's sound to sleep.

Karen and Sarah there, they're making out in my dreams. They leave, they go to the show. And now I'm taking over the baby shift. He's sound to sleep. I got the Washington Washington, Washington Oregon football game. I ordered some food, I'm eating some pasta. Sarah goes, does the sad. He sleeps the whole time.

He comes back. She did a sad, I did a sad, got to hang out with Fee and got to hang out with Shivon, packed crowd, bunch of tunes, Gays, got some Reels, got a video, backstage, onstage, crowd work, the whole thing. Look at you got your work in and you're a good dad. Oh, it just felt like a million bucks, great Friday night, so Grove 34, I'm back there,

this, well we recorded it, whatever, I'll be back there a bunch. What a treat. And night. So Grove 34, I'm back there, well, we recording it, whatever, I'll be back there a bunch. What a treat. And go check out Grove 34. It's the newest hottest club in town. And this is independent comedy run by comics in a great neighborhood. You got there, right?

And I love that room because it feels like they really run it. There's no big corporation, booker, overhead guy, we're like, we gotta check with the boss. They just go you go I want this they go you got it and you know they I've seen some of the The shit that goes on over there after hours and they are Fun they let it rip. That's the only she can do in Queens man. How can they got the thumb on you? That's what I'm saying. It's the best and and Rob Riego is a hilarious comic by the way and

Is a pilot He's a c-130 pilot I rack veteran the whole thing 30 that's the gay guy from Star Wars And I float on one of those in the cockpit too bagged it isn't that crazy. I forget about that I was in bagged ed in a war zone in the cockpit night vision goggles on a C-130. Is that crazy? Crazy. Crazy. Did you shoot a Zionist? No, no, no shooting and I am one of those, but no shooting, different war.

Oh, yes. That's a squeaker. That was really something. But yeah, you know, you really realized sometimes you were like, I really lived. Yes. Not anymore, but I did. Yeah, you got it in. Most people didn't get it in, I really lived. Yes. Not anymore, but I did. Yeah, you got it in.

Most people didn't get it in, then they had the kid. You got it in, and then kid. Guy Rack, Israel, England, Peru, Ecuador, you name it up in there, Turkey. There you go. Hawaii. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Not many other places. I don't know how I gotta do the whole list, but many more places, of course. But anyway, that was my night. There you go, you got your work in and maybe tried some new shit. You got some reels. You got to see Fihann get a wet t-shirt.

That's a night. Lots of fun, lots of good stuff. And I'm like I said, I'm doing it again this weekend. It's so fun when you can get it. And now you do have to like really focus on stuff now. You're like, okay, I have a half an hour. Yes. I gotta write this script.

I gotta do the podcast, all the stuff. Time management, I know, I feel for you. I'm sitting at home just jerking off, watching TV, I'm petting my cat. I would the baby, I couldn't do any of that. I have to run out and get diapers and I have to cancel eight gigs. You know, you really can't just fly by the seat of your dick.

Yeah, when you're watching movies, I don't watch movies like on mute with subtitles on. Because I'm watching, you know, pulp fiction stuff. I can't have them exposed to... It's like you got a terrorist in the other room. Just keep them happy, keep it quiet. You know, you can't, you can't rock the boat. It is no idea what the hell's going on.

It is no idea. It's even though who I am. Wow, man, these kids have got it made. Yeah, they really do. Man, do you get the, I mean, this is why Louis, Louis popped, he broke with the, I wanna throw my baby in a dumpster stuff. Yeah.

Now I get it because you're like, everyone can relate to that who has a kid. Right. It's a little tricky though, because then they grow up and they're like, what? Yeah, that's a little. I just think of that. I think we've said this,

but I'm like, I think it's a damage done for my upbringing. And there's no video of my dad being like, I hope my kid dies. Yes. Boy, we are lucky there's no video. If you had video of me shitting in a 7-11, just for a goof, you know, on a Thursday night, we'd be fucked.

Yeah, we got it. We're just the right age, I feel like. Yeah, well, I try to make a bit out of this, but the phone is the only invention that changed the world. It's incredibly useful, it's incredibly helpful. But it's the only invention that's helpful that we go, glad I went around when I was a kid. Right.

You know, like everything else, you're like, wow, we have the printing press. I wish that was around when I was younger, but the phone is the only thing where you're like thank God that wasn't here when I was a kid right Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, social media the phone is yeah, I guess the phone is okay. It's the media Yeah, and the news feed coming right in your dickhole every day Twitter just evil bad news said oh It's not good. It's not good at all. I know. You know, it's somebody made a good point though,

and I don't know how we're looking, but. 57. Okay, somebody made a good point, they were like, social media will probably have regulations eventually, much like cigarettes or booze or whatever. But when you think about it, just since it's come out, we've already regulated myself You know like I don't look at this during the morning. I

I post on here and I get the fuck out. I don't read a bunch of shit So they feel like you've even put guardrails on it since it's come out Yeah, cuz I used to sit there and scroll and just like and absorb all this Facebook and evil and death and now I'm like I'll post my thing and I get out. I think that's the same with booze and cigarettes. Yeah, certain people are like, I got a quit smoking or a smoke less, whatever. But I think in the beginning, it was just like, oh, we didn't know it was bad. I know.

So you just take it in. Yeah, no, it's a, it can make you feel nauseous. Oh, it's just disheartening. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, we left on a shit note there. Now we're doomed. There you go. No, it's gonna be great.

AI, save us. Say I'll save us, ozemic AI. There you go. Double-sided dildos. All these things will save us. I love it. I love it. Yeah.

What was it? Ask to ask. I didn't take it out for air. What's that movie? Yeah. That's, you know, the movie. Is that what you're referencing? Memento, not Memento, same director.

Drug movie. Oh yes, Requiem. Requiem for a dream. Maybe not the same director actually. But Requiem for a dream, I confused those movies because they came out around the same time and I watched them both and by the very dark and weird. But yeah. One's's Aaronovsky is that Aaronovsky? Yeah, that is Aaronovsky Paul Thomas Aaronovsky and the other one is No, then a young Nolan Christmas. No, it just can't make a movie that doesn't jump around. He's incapable of doing it

Huh, that's not like no, it's the future. It's the past. It's the wacky This already happens. Jump around. Yeah, inception, looper. I don't know if he did looper, but inception, that one, looper. Oh, uh, Benjamin but, oh, that was Fincher. That's Fincher. Fuck. By S hard. Um, yeah. Let else is a jump around. Christopher Nolan. Well, you know, you know, up and high,

my result, jumpy. What was the time, shall we watch? You already say that one? Tenant. Tenant. I couldn't follow Tenant with Wikipedia and a Dr. Seuss book and a roadmap.

I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Oh, well, you got to get rid of that low in Tenant. And I don't know, there's something I meant to, tenet. What's the spinny bottle one? You said that one already? Spinny inception. Inception.

It's been a bottle? There's been the top. Yeah, the totem. Ah, the dreidel. The totem pole. Sure. Got it, okay. Check, just come out at you.

Yeah. Anyway, I'm, I gotta sleep more. I'm sorry, I'm gay, it's my fault. Watch this. There's a lot of water in there, didn't realize. Where are you gonna be? You got any dates? Yes, I do. I'm coming up.

Holy shit, I have a bunch of dates. Tacoma, January 11th to the 13th, but Kipsey, January 19th to the 20th. I'm working on the ticket link. Hopefully it's out by now for comedy mothership. February 8th to the 10th. That's gonna be a lot of fun. That's gonna be a hum digger. That club is by now for comedy mothership February 8th of the 10th That's gonna be a lot of fun. That could be a hum digger that club is lunch. Yeah, that's gonna be fun a good time

JP Leonard's gonna be in town. Oh, I love that. I love the JP Lenny's the guys in the green room. I think fahens coming with me. Sarah will be there the whole family will be there It's gonna be a family affair and oh and Chris Walsh is there will be there it's gonna be a family affair and oh and Chris Walsh is there too oh man and then where else let me look at my plugger reunion a fucking ton of dates here and I keep not plugging them but in the meantime check out Joe and Ron on talk movies I'm bad at plugging other shit that I'm doing and fuck me sorry oh Springfield Missouri February 22nd to the twenty fourth there it is

and then uh... goodnight and raleigh march fourteen for the sixteenth pizbar bird in prox march twenty eight through the thirty th burlington vermont a bro twelve that's my mother's birthday one night only o t o t o one time one time only and thenium, I'm coming back there, April 25th to the 27th. And then May, it's a far, long way away. But Indianapolis Helium, St. Louis,

Funnybone, finally coming back to St. Louis. People are like, why are you coming to St. Louis? What the fuck? Great club. Yeah, well, they are for me Helium. I've heard nothing but bad, things about the Helium. It's not their best. And the Funnybone was always good to me,

headlining me before anybodylining before anybody so going there Oh, I leave that in the elevator oh That's mine I'm returning that to Amazon. Oh my god. That was where that where do I leave that oh? I left it on a door handle and they got a cup of coffee Oh, I left it on a door handle and they got a cup of coffee. Oh, she's Terrifying. How'd they know it was always got my name on it. I'm an idiot. Geez. This is why I can't have children I just leave it hanging on a hook somewhere. Yeah, she'll be hanging it at all. Check out Punch Up Live. There's a whole bunch of stuff going on a Punch Up Live exclusive material and Doing sort of a Patreon type of thing on there. So get on there. Oh nice. All right.

That's exciting. Well, I'll be all over the road, Norfolk, Virginia, the lyric in Baltimore, which I hear is a real hum ding. I'm going there with the, Ron, I'm not Ron. Umar, the opposite, Pakistani, Shreveport, Louisiana, that needs some help. The lyric in Birmingham, that's a double lyric.

Then all kinds of crazy dates we added a show in Tampa, uh, coming to Phoenix, uh, coming on your, your hair. We're going everywhere. Mark Doman comedy dot com. So keep on keep on and send me clothes. I'll wear them for one day. And if you got any mildew tips, keep them coming. Thank you. Chuck. Hey, check out coming. Thank you, Chuck.

Hey, check out my podcast, FunBarable. I want to give a quick thanks to the Tuesdays because we just got our Spotify wrapped. And FunBarable is now the top 2% of podcasts globally. Wow, a lot of Tuesdays came over, a lot of fun over there, writing into the email and being on the Facebook group and stuff like that. Really, really appreciate it.

We're having a lot of fun. FunBarablePod.com, atBeribletpod on social media. Thank you guys very much. Here. And join the Patreon. We're doing, we got to talk more about the Patreon, because I think the people want just us podcasts. It's the last few episodes of the Nat Chuck says we're gay, we're idiots.

God damn, I have some unfortunate numbers to go with your plan, but we've never done what we're doing. We've never done just regular podcasts. We've done it for quite a while now. Consistent. Oh, okay. All right, well, I'm wrong. I'd like to hear these numbers.

Messages, this is it. Call in, email, tweet, text. Yes. What do you want the Patreon to be? Well, we just, we're gonna put up the bonus where you actually call to action and explain it on the Patreon. So that'll be up by the time this is up.

All right. All right. I'm gay. There you go. My self, my father hates me. We're learning, we'll figure it out. We'll see you all in hell. We're only 11 years in.

Get on the Patreon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. 11-11.