Tuesdays with Stories! - #534 Dustpan Diamond

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

We're taking a stand folks - Cards Against Humanity, we're giving our two cents whether you like it or not!!!This week we're tackling big coats, a little touch of etymology, the classic books, and more! Joe doubles down on the power of pep rallies, and the boys pontificate about the meaning of life, love, and jizz. Our Stuff:    - patreon.com/tuesdays   Sponsors:   - Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com, promo codeTUESDAYS - Support the show & get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.comwith code TUESDAYS - Support the show by going tohttps://displate.com/tuesdayswithstories?art=624740987334c & usecode TUESDAYS to get up to 30% off.

Hey folks, March 5th. We got the Grammar Sea live. Ep, baby. Now you got a little runway. So you can really get those tickets. Spread the love, share the link and spread your cheeks. Yeah, get there. We're going to have a great show. We're coming back with a passion with a, with a, what's a vengeance with a vengeance, baby. Yes.

Die hard vengeance with a vengeance. We're coming March 5th. Get the tickets now. Small venue. It will sell out, don't be thrown by only 11 people coming last time. This is the one long break in between specials or shot shows. I don't know what time it is. I'm gay.

March 5th, be there. Yeah. Grab a C theater. Gonna be a lot of hot guests, live guests, fun time. It's gonna get wacky in there. Remember, we only give out half of it and the back half is on the Patriot's he might as well come see that bitch in the flesh. Yes, and go to the patreon do balls do one do nothing Oprah Winfrey's fat

The be there. She fluctuates Hey, Mark fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do great good to be here. Welcome to Tuesday's with stories All I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesday's with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha-ha-ha!

Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss. Yeah! This Tuesday's with Stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My baby, you always spitting at me. I can't choose... Hey! We are here. We're back. I just had a stopping chat on the street. Oh, who?

I don't want to say who, but... Don't you feel like I'm getting so busy? I feel like it's Ramon. He's like, hey, you want it? He's like, we should we got a catch up. It's the holiday season. Let's get together. Let's get a drink with our mutual friends Well all gonna neck knock and I'm like, I can't that's what I'm thinking. I don't have the time Yeah, that's just what's great about having a child you because it gives you the ah the baby has a This I gotta keep the moving blood shooting out of his eyes. He's sitting yellow. His dick fell off.

His feet are too big. I'll see you later. Tough night. Oh, man. It's good. You can go, okay. And I think now, and maybe you're that this place, anyways, I'm better at you do.

I do have this thing of like, I don't, oh, you got to keep it moving Yeah, I got no time for that. We had a thing last night at a comedy club where guy kept coming up Oh, you just go okay? You do this and then they go oh my god That's all right save that too take all that and just keep it moving Yes, yeah, sometimes you're like we're at a restaurant I know I love everybody appreciate. Hey it moving. Yeah, yes, yes. Sometimes you're like, we're at a restaurant. We're friends.

I know. I love everybody. Appreciate, hey, great job, big fan. My father's gay is beautiful. We appreciate it. But then some people come up and they're like, hey, you know, boy, I was talking to the thing the other day and you go, oh, wow, that's crazy.

All right. And then another thing. And you go, okay, that's great. And then they leave and come back. And you're like, this is, I can't abide. The dude does not abide. And it's one thing if they came back and they just sat there and just were still,

but they have to come back and go, oh, right back. And it's like a, dude, dude, dude, dude. The scroll comes out, you know, just be there. You can't come back. I see, it was Louis all the time. When we were hanging out and people, I mean we still hang out occasionally, but when we were on tour people would come up and go, hey Mr. CK, I think you're a genius and

you're brilliant and you're beautiful and God bless and you go, thank you so much. I appreciate that. And the guy leaves and they's like, can I just say, I come, he comes back and you can't come back. No, you're out. And I always feel like I used to always do the line from sounds of the lambs when she's at first interviewing a lector and that she hands him the Q and A thing and he goes, no, you were doing so well. Like, no, you were nailing it. Yeah.

And then you blew it. You blew it. You had it. But I think the first part goes well. Yes. By the way, this is rare. This is one in a thousand people. The first part goes, okay. And they're like, oh, that would be receptive to that. Yeah, let the way, this is rare. This is one in a thousand people. The first part goes, okay.

And they're like, oh, that would be receptive to that. Yeah, let me give you a little more. And then you go, no, I don't need to hear what you're on. Right, right. It's true. I think they get the dopamine. Oh, that was good. So I want to feel that again.

Right. But I've been that guy. As a, my Philips see more often. Sure. Sure. Sure. And you do it with Jerry still. So.

Oh, yeah. It's a problem. I sent him a joke the other day. Not So, oh yeah, that's a problem. I sent him a joke the other day, not a joke I wrote, but like a, just a funny anecdote. And it took a while, but I got a ha ha. And I was like, I'm out, I threw the phone across the room. I jerked off, that was it.

That's brutal. It's hard, it's weird how there's like this feeling of, it's a person but he's so big. Yeah, yeah. You visualize this large. Of course. Entity. But he's just an insecure he, himself.

He's up in his ivory tower going, oh, I can't get it up. My son's game, my dad's Jewish. I don't know what's going on. Well, that's a cow. Yeah, cow signs. But, um, what was I gonna say? Oh, I heard a great quote.

You're gonna love this. I love it. Let me just jerk off into your mouth and see if it hits the back of your throat. Please, hit the hangy ball. Um, we're always comparing our insides to everybody else's outsides. What do you think of that?

Oh, wait a minute, that's heavy. That's heavy duty. It's big. It's good, it's nice. Cause you're feeling all your feelings. Yes. So in your mind, you're like, I suck, everybody hates me, I'm a piece of shit, I'm a fraud, I'm ugly, I'm gay. You know me well.

And then you look on Instagram or everything else and you go, oh my God, he's shooting bows and arrows with Rogan, he's doing bows and arrows with Rogan, he's doing Madison Square Garden, that's their outside. We can't hear their inside. Yeah, the insides are ugly. Yeah, I'm sure everyone else's insides are bad. Yeah, I like that.

Boy, that's a hell of a quote. I love a quote. Whoa. That's a hell of a quote. He's been over there. What is that little extra guac on that burrito? Keep it over there. Yikes.

Yeah, yeah, I like that. The outside's inside. And, you know, I've told you my other quote I like. If you could, if everybody threw their problems at a pot, you'd take yours out first. Right. Which, I don't know what the kid, maybe put that kid right in that boiling water.

Well, it's a nice problem to have. If I didn't have a kid, you'd be sad, but that's a lot of crying. Yeah. A lot of, a lot of them not sleeping. Yeah. It's like a sleep, it's really turning the volume, they're turning the heat up on all the car horns.

I'm like, fuck you, you're wasting shit. Yeah. The heat, I'm sorry. No, sleep is big. The heat up is a real thing, because they say during heat waves, crime goes up. Isn't that fun?

Yes, it's it's funny how everything is hit mentally and You just like you're angry you're a little pissed off more you little agitated you're sweaty You bump into a guy you're gonna cut his head off. I'm telling you what I mean the leaf blower lady I talked to the leaf blower all the blower last week this lady she's back and I had to repost and And I can't even tell and I have like OCD obviously I'm a mental case, but I'm like literally sitting on the couch with the baby He's asleep. It's beautiful. I'm staring at his tits. I couldn't be happier, I'm glowing, he's glowing. I love a baby tint.

We're just thrilled, and then I hear the, whoo! Yeah. And I shouldn't move, because he's perfectly content. Yeah. And I'm not even gonna yell anything, because he's sleeping, so I can't yell. Right.

But I just have to get my eyes on this cut. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm balancing him, and I'm like lifting the shade with the foot because I can continue to cradle him. It's like, so lame. Cause I just need to look at her and be like, you piece of fucking human shit.

It is funny how we have to look at people and like, you cut off, you're like, I gotta see this motherfucker. He does. Funny how that is. I just wanna, I swear to God, I wanna shoot her with a, a fucking gun. Give me, I'm a police sketch cunt cut give me the full thing. I'm gonna draw our fat ass

Well, I put it on insta story a couple of times. She's older. Okay. Fucking shitty hag pieces shit Okay, wrinkle wrinkle hag will saggy tips maybe blondeish hair I would say late 50s maybe early 60s ponytail I would say late 50s, maybe early 60s, ponytail. Oh, pony. He's got a husband, a cut husband. Yeah. And when he does, he has a broom. Oh, what is that?

They landscapers, what's going on here? No, they're assholes. He stands there, he's got a pan, or whatever the fuck, dust pan. Dust pan. Yes, dust pan diamond. He's got the dust pan. I'm happy with that one. Yeah. That was fun. Yeah, yes, that's band diamond Happy with that one. Yeah, that was fun

He's got the dust band in the broom and she blows them all over the place I'm not you put that together. Where did that even come from? He blows she blows all the leaves in his general direction and then he swoops him up But what a team queen, But so I had a moment, the other day, this was fun. So, you know, with the baby, you got to relieve each other. She comes out and pisses on me. She takes the baby,

so I'm like, okay, I'm going to Starbucks, and it's like, you leave those door that you're like, oh, the sun is shining. The birds are flying, leaf blowers are going,

and so I'm walking a box, and there's a different leaf blower lady. Oh my god It's an epidem and I was on the phone with my mother on the old What's it called again? Raycon the Raycons wink wink nudge nudge Shepi all these

I got the the air muffs on what are the fuck? Gaycon and I'm walking up the street and there's a new leaf blow I didn't know there was more than one leaf blow. Are you getting leaf blowers in your neighborhood? Not a wink, not a blower, not a leaf, not a rake. I think as Queens is more domesticated. Yeah, and you're gonna have to deal with this when you go to the BK broiler over there.

Oh, BK nights. So, anyways, I'm walking the street and there's a totally different thing. So I went full, out loud passive aggressive on the phone, which was quite fun. Oh, that's a big one. She's doing it and I'll go, sorry, I got to talk louder.

There's a fucking lady leaf blowing here. I'm like, it blows my mind that people leaf blow in New York, goddamn city. It's so rude. And my mother's like, what are you, why are you yelling at her? And the lady was doing like, what the hell? Because I think they don't realize. It's like, these people don't,

I don't think they're thinking like, oh, everyone else is hearing this. Like, you know when you're making a noise, you can't see that it would be annoying. Yeah. Because you're doing it. Like, if I'm doing this, I'm just drumming. Right.

But you're over there going, can you fucking stop doing that? Yeah, yeah. But because it's your action, I'm hearing it, my thing is fun. Of course. I get it, I totally get it, but they don't get that and then they get mad at you.

But if I was drumming and somebody was like, hey, that's annoying, I go, oh shit, sorry. But when you go, hey, leaf cunt, what's up with the blowing? They go, it's a free country, and then they go, woo, here goes like this. Well, these are the different personality types. I guess so. I'm the same way.

I'm like, if one person is mad at me, I was like, I'll just go commit suicide. I'm so sorry. Same. And by the way, that phone is teetering. Oh, it's a real, I think I was doing this. That's what it is. Oh, there it goes.

All right, committed suicide. But here's what kills me about the leaf cleaf. And this is going to get weird. But I can't win. Don't you feel like nobody does anything? Like if I, you know, I'm always like, I'm right in a screenplay. You check in 10 years later. How's that screenplay?

Oh, things came up, blah, blah, blah. Hey, I'm going to go join the gym, have that gym go. I never got around to it. The leaf blowing, she gets around to. She doesn't. Isn't that frustrating? It is frustrating. She's a go-getter. She's a go-getter. A blow-getter. Yeah, some blow-getter. So go get a field and find some real leaves and foliage. Yes, come, Gosler. Get a broom. It'll be exercise to you old fucking asshole. Yeah move those jiggly arms Yeah old bag. I hate it and today I think you'd be proud of me today So now like I said I'm just on edge. I'm angry. I'm crazy. I'm like a I'm hot. You're like Michael Douglas and falling down. You're gonna just start cutting heads off

I can't wait. I love that film by the way although I've been seen in 20 years I don't know if it holds up. I don't think it does. I can't imagine it's great, but the idea of it was so fun. Fun idea, very relatable. And as a boy, everything's good. You're like, wow. Yeah. I think I was saying like, when you're a kid, any joke you get is brilliant. Oh, kid jokes blew my tits off. Like, if there's a joke, you understand. I just watched the last, motherfucker's, I'm trying to watch the last boys. Oh yeah.

We were watching the last boys, which is a very silly film. It's vampires in California. Although it's very beautiful and it's fun, but I always remember there was the joke, the grandfather has TV, he doesn't have a TV, and then the Corey Hame or whatever, RIP is like, but you have TV guide and he's like, well, I have TV guide, so I don't have to watch TV.

I remember thinking that was so funny. That is funny. The idea of somebody reading full house, Uncle Jesse gets sad. Yeah. I don't need a TV, I'm right. Wow, that is funny. I'll take a nice water, yeah.

No ice, like the border, no ice. But it's like, when I started moving when I was nine years old, I remember being like, that's so funny. Yeah. Now if someone did that, you'd being like, that's so funny. Yeah. Now if someone did that, you'd be like, ah, I mean, we've talked about it. Well, first of all, that's why with a kid, you can go, woohoo, peek a boo and they're like,

oh, what is this? Some kind of sorcery. Right. But it's the dumbest joke of all time or like got your ear or got your nose and the cord or whatever it is. But I've been talking about for a screech, you can't alope. Who you can't alone. Who you gonna

can't help me, Melon head? When I heard that I went and I still think that holds up very funny very fun. When I heard that I turned the TV off. I called my grandmother. I said, I love you and I hung up the phone. Well, the other great joke from screech is when their movie stars and the lady says, boy, your arms are so firm. And he says, it's my elbow. I work out. I'm like, that's very good. That's good. That's very funny. Some Jew in California wrote that. Whoa. These times they're good writers not in these times sir. There's a genocide. Oh Well Zionist, Smionist to the hell knows. Hey, what are you gonna do? He's great to get a lot of play on this app. We got the Screech talk with save of the bell Then the dust band diamond rest in peace Screech. All right me. Rest in Screech. What a what a freedom of Screech

What I run he had with you know Save by the bell the college years porn Then stand up or stand up then porn and then stabbed. I'm not sure. Did he get stabbed to death? No, I think he gets dead. I think he gets cancer. I don't know, maybe. I have no idea. Somebody saw, I think the college years and was like, that's it. I got off this motherfucker.

Got this motherfucker right here. He was a big comedy thief too, for what I understand. Oh yeah, I can see that. There was the old joke, what do you do if you open for a screech, crowd work. Oh, it's a bad name. It's a bad name. I also heard a great story,

and maybe we've told this before, I don't know, that in his contract, by the way, now people are dead, I feel like it's fine to shit on them, right? It's what? It's okay to shit on them, because they're dead. Yeah, especially like a screech. I don't know if you should be shitting on Jimmy Carter

or Obama or somebody. They're alive, but what they die. Ah, but there's a big, I guess there was a thing in his contract that said, Dustin, and this could be a wives tale, this is a story I heard, that the words Dustin Diamond have to be at least 40% bigger font than Screech.

Because they didn't want to advertising as Screech for my own guy. I see. But people wanted to see Screech, so they would make a poster that was like seven feet high, Dustin Diamond, so they could have a four foot Screech. Oh. So he would have, he had that like a billboard.

That's a fun loophole. Just so they could have a massive screech. I love it. That's great. Well, I mean, screech is selling the tickets. Let's be honest. Yeah, of course. Zoics. Yeah, I mean, you would have a monica Lewinsky went on a radio show and they were like, so Bill Clinton jizz and she was like,

I'll talk about anything but that. And they were like, okay, so we got a traffic in lanes as a mattress over here. Like, what, once we don't talk about that, what else, what are you doing here? You know, that's just what, that's gonna be 40 degrees outside, lightly shower. As a mattress over here.

Well, I was just, it was funny, I was just mentioned Lewinsky. I was just playing some trivia game with my family over Christmas. We're all games, games are awesome. Game, nothing. And there was games, games are gossip or nothing. Or nothing. And there was a game like boomer, it's called, hey, boomer or boomer or whatever.

And the teams are supposed to be everyone born before 1980 and everyone born after 1980. Oh, all right. So I'm it, but all the kids were playing. I hope it wasn't change oil or, you know, we'll drive a stick. No, it's trivia. So, but it's me and like Sarah was born in 78,

so she's on the other team. Everyone's on the other team. It's me and a bunch of school children. Oh, you got this. Well, I was like dominant because it was like what year and day did JFK get shot? And the kids don't know, they're nine. 63?

Yeah, November 22nd. Which is funny because it was the day after and I had just randomly been like, hey, it's 60, 70 years ago. Yeah. 60. But any farts, I will never forget that now, by the way, now you told me that that is right in the cork boards. Do it right in there. Well, so one of the questions was what, what clothing item became synonymous with Bill Clinton or something like that? And what was the blue dress? Or what? I don't know how they phrased it.

Yeah, because I think you meant his clothing. Right, whatever the hell they phrased it, it was about the dress. But I was like, this is hilarious, because we're playing this game with lots of children. Oh yeah. And the reason the dress is famous is because there was come on it. Jizz. Like, it's funny, that's just part of our... Yeah, yeah, and the reason the dress is famous is because there was come on it. Jizz like it doesn't it's funny That's just part of our yeah, yeah, thank you. I mean, I guess the game wasn't really for kids anyways

It's because the other one was about it guys head getting blown off so right right. I don't care for these These you've heard of this cards against humanity. Oh, yeah, I've played that a bunch I think that's a game for people who aren't funny right cuz it's it's like, oh man, it says, uh, it says leaf blower. I'm gonna put down... Butts niffr. Oh shit! Your grandma's going, woo! This is wild, baby!

Yeah, it's fun for about 20 minutes and then you go, all right. 20 minutes. 20 minutes, you gotta go around. 20 minutes for some fun things. Oh, it says, all right. 20 minutes. 20 minutes. 20 minutes. 20 minutes and fun things. Oh, it says, Pupr scooper. Ah! This is a riot.

I know. And it's hard because my family gets very into all these games. And then there's like adult version and kid version and sex version and ex version and all this stuff. And it is like, we could just make some shit up. Of course. Of course, stories. I mean, I've come in a bunch of women's faces,

and then they couldn't see well, and then they had to drive me to the airport. I mean, I can tell that story. That's a game. That I want to play with the family. Who can get to the airport with Jizzface? True story, I haven't thought about that in a long time. Yeah, well, it wasn't a virgin fight.

Whop, whop, whop, whop, whop, whop. But yeah, I hate those goofy games, because I'm like, you know, if you listen to us talk Yeah, well, it kid, whatever it is. That's card number one. Chuck, you're adding something there? Well, there's a game called the Game of Things and it's a lot closer to like, you do your own stuff and it's like you write down your own answers for a lot of these things.

It's a little different, but it's at the exact same feeling for years and I've actually said to people in front of them by accident, like, yeah, cards against you many is for people who aren't creative themselves. I've said that. And then they're like, I love cards against you, Meredith. And I feel guilty, so I don't say anymore. They're not funny people, and they need the card to be like, look, look at this. This is crazy.

And they think they thought of it in a weird way. But it feels like a perfect Larry David app. They busted out. And like, if you guys played this and he's furious, yeah, but game is fun is a heads up, which I think we played our own version of that here. Love heads up. That's fun. That's a Patreon, we should do that.

We did it on Patreon. I knew it. That's a, we had a good idea with that. I thought we had a great time on there. And then I don't know what time I had to figure out the Patreon, but I thought that was a damn good one. Yeah. Play games tonight show style. Head's up is big. I think you were, I had to figure out the Patreon, but I thought that was a damn good one for the games. Tonight's show style.

That was what it was. It's big. I think you were, I had quit boozing by then, but we used to play drunk heads up, and man, does that get crazy? Yeah, it's a lot of fun to yell and shout and try to come up with things. Yeah, and it gets heated.

You know, when you're like, not, what's his face? Shit, hold on. Not Joe Biden, but his son. And they're like, Harvey Weinstein, you're like, no, no, Joe Biden's son. And they're like, uh, Joe Pepitone, you're like, what are you doing?

You just wanna tackle the guy. I know, it gets for this. One of the most frustrating things in life is when you are thinking of something the other person's not, and you feel like they should, but it's hard because you're like, I don't know, because I've been on both sides. The person's yelling at you and you're like,

yeah, I don't know. If I knew, I would say the fucking thing. Of course, of course. They're like, black, come. My mother, Michael Jordan, the Kimmelage one. I don't know. Potembae macombo. Macombo. That's good. Oh no. Oh, I think I started to tell time may be a combo. A combo. That's good.

Oh no. I think I started to tell a story 48 minutes ago. But I think it, because I said I think you'd be proud of me and I said I'm going to come in your throat and we got all derailed. Ah well it came to a screeching halt. Screech. RIP Screech. This episode is dedicated to Dustin Diamond.

D-D. And all the dreamers out there. This Dustin Diamond is Diamond all the dreamers out there. There's Dustin Diamond, there's Diamond Dallas Page. Oh yeah, he was a big fuck up who started yoga and saved some lives or something. Oh yeah. Don't really buy. Yeah, then this is the Diamond Lane, and then there's Diamond Stats. Diamond Lounge.

Yeah. Oh no, what is he called? Delta Lounge. Delta Sky Lounge. Sky Lounge. Sky, Sky Miles. Sky is the limit. He had a great moment of the- the sky lounge sky. Sky miles sky. As the limit had a great moment. The United lounge I walk into the United

Lounge and I scan my boarding pass and went and I go, whoa, hey, you'll just let you know, I'm a regular here. I'm a big United guy and they go. Your account is over you sign up for a year and it's been a year I'm like, oh, how much is it to re up and they go 550 bucks? I was like geez That's a pretty penny and they go will you want to use miles and I go? Yeah, how many miles do I have they're like eight Cajillion million I was like, all right miles it is. I'm in the same way I never use my miles. I have three hundred and seventy five thousand miles But people tell you you should use them because they can just

fuck you and go we don't do miles anymore. That's true. And I would use 5,000 miles. I would. The proclaimers. Is that a one hit one? I believe so. I think they're Canadian. I feel Canadian don't they? They do. You know, else feels Canadian is a chumbo womba. I get knocked down. I get up again. Scoop it up. I do. Chumbo womba. Maybe British. Yeah.

What is a commonwealth? Virginia, Massachusetts. What? Yeah. Canada, Canada. Now, the Commonwealth, the No, the Commonwealth and Massachusetts, the Commonwealth of Virginia. I might think of it. They're like states, but it also says Commonwealth. I don't, the short answer is I don't know,

but I know Virginia and Massachusetts are Commonwealth. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking Commonwealth. Yeah. I don't know what that means. It's say, old English bullshit, I think, from 1629, they went, all right, this is a Commonwealth here. He and they had a bell and some bullshit. Yes, it's a old English bullshit, I think, from 1629. They went, all right, this is a commonwealth here. He and they had a bell and some bullshit.

Yes, yes, a town crier. Yeah, John Crier. But like, you got to like Nevada. It's not a commonwealth. Oh, no, there's no wealth there. Four of the 50 states use commonwealth. Oh, let me see if I can go with the other two. You want to guess them?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Massachusetts, what did I say say Virginia? That's two I'm thinking maybe Pennsylvania don't give it away. Oh, I don't look at you. I don't look at you. Oh, the Commonwealth It's got to be Northeast Commonwealth heads up Virginia Maryland maybe I'm gonna say Maryland Pennsylvania, but that's not my final answer. Let me think, let me think, let me think, let me think. Let me just put it on the board here. We got Virginia.

Certainly not Ohio. Yes. Not North Carolina. Pennsylvania and we need one. Virginia and NASA. The only two I hear it said. Virginia feels weird, but commonwealth of Virginia. I think of England, maybe.

I'm gonna say Pennsylvania, what was the other one I said? Mass. No. Maryland. Maryland, I'm gonna say Pennsylvania. What was the other one I said? Mass. No. Maryland. Maryland. I'm gonna say Pennsylvania, Maryland. You got anything? Ah, what the hell? I'll throw in fucking Utah. I just got it on up. Michigan?

Pennsylvania is correct. Yo! The other one is actually a Southern state. It's Kentucky. I almost said Kentucky. I almost said Kentucky. I almost said Kentucky. Forget about Kentucky. It says ultimately these four states are commonwealths

because their constitutional drafters declared they were. The Commonwealth title does not confer any special legal significance, but the word highlights that the state's governments were intended to serve the well-being of the people. All right, that's right. That's right. Kentucky's not like, it's like South,

but North, it's a weird one. Because it's like, you know, you got Cincinnati's right trans woman. Kentucky's not like, it's like South, but North, it's a weird one. Because it's like, you know, you got Cincinnati's right there and... Interesting. It's like a transfer. It's like, I'm declaring I'm a Commonwealth. You go, okay, okay, whatever you say. It's very weird, doesn't it? It's like, it feels so Southern, but not Southern at the same time.

Yeah. Tennessee, I got some beef with too. It's too middle. I'm a Southern cut. And so they're like, oh, we're Southern. It's too middle, I'm a Southern cut. And so they're like, oh, we're Southern, and I'm like, you're in the middle. Right. But I'm not gonna start a war over it.

Well, I've mentioned it many times, people in Colorado consume themselves like the West. And they're like, oh, I've heard people even say West Coast. Oh, Coast. What's up here? It's not a coast, what's up, leavings? No coast, no coast. But, uh.

Folks, hey, hey, we're here to tell you about a little something called patreon Oh, if you're not on it you're missing out your crazy all kinds of fun games live apps yaks TV shows Shit you name it everything is on there. There is hours and hours and hours and hours Just tons we've watched curb you through, we should do that one, we should do Porto Gil, one of the best episodes. There's some great muskweef TVs where we're doing watch-along on Sci-Fi, watch-along with curb you-in-thusias,

watch-along with comedy specials, Chris Rock, comedian, everything. Dave Chappelle. Then every live episode we've ever done, I know some people hate the episodes, I love them, Chris DeStefano, Yannis Poppins, Michelle Wolves, Michelle Walser, Ari Shafir, Shane Gillis, Garry Garbage.

Yes, crazy. Shane's in there, that's worth the price of a mission. And then there's just extra episodes. We're doing full extra episodes on there. Here I'm now checking, you got some stats. Yeah, there's over 177 hours. Wow. That's longer than John Franco was stuck in the rock. It's over. That's yeah, that's just an exclusive

Exclusive content to the patreon John fuck and we do have we do have the initial every every Wednesday We post an OG Tuesday's episode We're up to like 76 77 right now. Yes. All they're all remastered so they sound way better It's a nice we louder All the ads are cut out. Woo! Plus, all the new episodes for the past couple years now, on the Patreon, all the ads are cut out. No, you're not adding ads.

That's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you're going. No, that's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you're going.

That's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you're going. That's where you three-hour shangilist comedy special. He shot it just for our Patriots. Yeah, that's right. It's him just doing three hours of his nastiest, notiest stuff, and you can see it on our Patreon only. We got Dave Chappelle doing four hours just about trans people. It's amazing.

He hits his leg 500 times. You gotta say it's a sign of the Patreon today. Do it. Do it now. Get on it. That's lunch. And you can hear the origin of that's lunch. It's all pipes. Hear it all. He is a baby. Let me get right to this story I started a couple days ago. Coaster. Cause I let me let me oh that was an inch away from the floodgates being full on Katrina Levy. Wow. That is a real brick shithouse pants you got there. They look brick. It's brick a color. Yeah.

But I can't. It's a crayon. Yeah. How's it going to be jazz guy? You know, brick red is good. It's big pan and brick red. I am red skeleton red buttons red fox. Red, sculptor, red buttons. Red fox. Red, Skeletor,

Red Rum. Red, State. Oh, red, state, Nate. Yeah. What was I saying? Oh, the story, here comes a story, here it comes.

So I'm riding the old subway in here. And, Oh, I never think I'd ever told you the story about the fucking crazy kucka headlast week I never said that story But anyways, I'm in the subway and you know, I'm just furious now. I got all this furious anger I'm sleepy furious anger and this like the subway has like the three cedar this three seats in a row Yes, and a lady was sitting in the middle just like the middle seat

It's like when urinals when someone uses the middle right? I'm like why are you in the middle, just like the middle seat. It's like when urinals, when someone uses the middle. Right. I'm like, why are you in the middle seat? And obviously she doesn't want someone to sit there. So I went in, I got my big winner coat, my back coat. Yes. And I just went, and squeezed in, because I'm on the end over here, and where legs flush, elbow in here,

and you can feel hurt, she does like an inch over. And I'm so happy with it. I've never been so happy with myself. I'm like, big goat, big goat. Because the idea is if you're mad for me to sitting here, that means you want three seats. 100%. And if you want space, take the first seat,

and there'll be a space, and then someone can sit here, and now both of us have space. That's the only way. It's a brilliant argument because you're doing the right thing and you're not doing anything wrong, even though we know what you're doing. But she can't argue it, because she's in the middle like a fucking coup.

And if you want some space, just slide on over. I wish you were there, because I would have put you on the other side. We could have done this. We just talked with this bad assholes. We could have done a cut sandwich. But you could feel her like, you jerk. But I'm like, wait, so you just get three seats?

Yeah, who's the jerk? You're the jerk. And in the past, I would stand there and be like, look at this asshole, taking up three seats. And now I'm a new man. I love it. I just went, far to all interacts and sat there and I'm yawning and elbowing her in the tits.

Oh, I love it. And yeah, so that was fun. That's big. I did did she huff and puff like a like a big dragon no real huff and puff But I I can feel her but but probably again, this is where I'm sick. Yeah, I'm like take that you're horrid She's probably just like yeah, so we yeah, no, no, I think you did the right thing But but here's what bugs me and then we can move on is the fact that she's gonna go home and go some crazy big coat and then we can move on. As a fact, she's gonna go home and go,

some crazy big coat cunt sat next to me on the train. Could you believe this city? It's gone to shit. And no one's ever gonna go, did you sit in the middle? Exactly. She did sit in the middle, she's a middle sitter. Yeah, it's like Tennessee. How do you feel about a big coat?

I love a big coat. This coat is the best purchase I've ever made in my life. That was 800 bucks. 500 bucks, but it was about seven years ago, and that's seven winners. I wear, it's a designer, Jerry. Andrew Mark. Ah, yes.

I don't know what that means, but it was blowing nails, but look at this big, it's stylish, and it's a hell of a purge. You look like a Serbian Marine in that thing. Well, also, it's thick, but surprisingly, with the buttons unbuttoned, you can wear it when it's 50 degrees. When it's thick, but surprisingly, with the buttons unbuttoned, you can wear it when it's 50 degrees. When it's 10, you button up, you wear a hat, warm.

All right. When it's warm, you let it fly, let the buttons fly. Yeah, I can see the inside lining, you got the AM in there, that's how you know it's designer. Oh, it's a real beauty. So you feel like at the time, you're like, God, this is a lot of money, but then you wear it 120 days in a row,

70 years in a row. What's that? 30 cents of wear? How the hell'd you afford that puppy seven years ago? That's 500 Somalian. Well, 2015, that's the year it all busted open. Last comic standing, Comedy Central Half Hour, my, uh, that's it. Yeah, look at you now. All right, well, hey, good to's it. Yeah, look at you now.

All right, well, hey, good to have you. Yeah, a big coat, it's a big purchase, but if it's gonna last you. But you're not a big coat guy. I feel like you have to be, you're like running in between people and up and down stairs. I'm nimble, I don't like to take up room,

I like to get in and out. I sit in the middle seat and I move on. Why? I just think you gotta thin jacket over there. Yeah, but that thing is warmer than my dead's taint. I think we've had this conversation before too, I just think you got a thin jacket over there. Yeah, but that thing is warmer than my dead's taint. I think we've had this conversation before too. I just realized. What's that puppy on?

That'd rather not. All right, it might not fit you. You got long arms. Sure do. Too long. These are too short. I got to roll things up. I wish I could shrink them.

Yeah, it's not good. I'm like one of those cow arms. Yeah, yeah, it's not good. Daddy long arms. Let me just say this. Please. Where you at on the word hunting? I'm like one of those cow-washed things. Yeah, yeah, it's not good. Daddy long arms. Let me just say this. Please. Where you at on the word, nothing's gonna sound weird,

but I was walking down West Broadway and I see the chock full of nuts guy. Sure. You know that guy, the scent is wafting all over Manhattan. And they know what they're doing. They got that aroma in the air. What is that? Honey suckle or chestnut on an open fire.

I don't know what it is. Not sure. It's some kind of aroma. They got a spice on there that really hits the ol' factory. But I'm walking by and I go, what the fuck is a chock? Not a chock's Dayton, not a chock's Jones. What's a chock?

Chock fuller. Yeah. Chock a block full. What's a Chuck? Chuck Fulla. Yeah. Chuck a block full. What's a Chuck? What is Chuck? I know Chuck the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was the white thing on the blackboard. Sidewalk Chuck.

I think it's like an adverb or an adjective, right? Chuck. Chuck Fulla. Chuck Fulla. Yeah. No one has ever asked what is Chuck, and I need to know. Chuck Fulla cum. Yeah, there need to know. Chuck full of cum. Yeah, there you go.

Chuck's full of cum. That's right. Not anymore. All right. So let's see. It says it's from, it could be from choke. Like, I know, it's okay. It could be from your cheeks being full,

and it just like evolved. Cheek, cheek, cheek, cheek full. Cheek, cheek full. You know, that kind of thing, it looks like. A cheek full of nuts, like my wife. It's tough. It says, from middle English chocophole, C-H-O-K-K-E-S-U-L, possibly from cheek equivalent to cheek and full, or maybe from old French chocueur,

which means collide crash and hit similar to shock. I don't know either. Yeah, yeah, cheek might be something, but yeah, I find these words in and they stick with us. Yeah, it's all Latin and English. Yeah, what the fuck is pig Latin? I know it takes me on the ombre, but what the fuck is that? Yeah, I think it was like a secret code that you use around dumb people because it's pretty easy to crack and I like morse Right morse is tough. That's a serious code but also Right, Morse is tough. That's a serious code. You gotta do the, yeah.

But also, Pig Latin, it could be like Latin, it's for like smart fat chicks. Pig Latin? Yeah, yeah, that's good, my ex-spoken. You ever think about Morse going like a Napoleon, you saw it. Sure it is. They hit you with the lantern like from far away,

they're like two miles away and they go. Yes. and then some Queen for the tricorder and hako's Oh the invasion is happening or whatever. Yes, man would I fuck that up? I'd be like was that two flaps are one Was that a half lap? Oh, and you can't text the guy go was that a two flabberg? Because if you got text you don't need the morse. It's like George and Cramer It's like I tied high tide. Yes. Yes. It's like George and Gramer. It's like, hi, hi, Todd. Hi, Todd. Yes, yes. It's very difficult. Yeah, the person on the other side has to, too, was it too short and too long? Right.

Yeah, that, this is where we have to have moments of gratitude. Are we really living in a nice time? Yes. I mean, horrible time, but a nice time. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. The worst of times. That's a... Oh, yeah, who's that Andrew Jackson? No. No, that's two, Taylor two cities,

which is Charles Dickens. Dickens. Yes. Big dick. Which I never read, of course, but. Yeah, that morse. Because then you go, I don't know if you got it. Let me do it again.

And then you think, is this a new thing? Like how would they know that's, because there must be like a, I missed that. Right. It's gotta be like a hit me with a gun. I totally think this is like, yeah, there's gotta be one of these. A shrug.

A shrug, shrug morse. Shruggery. Shrug code. You ever read any classic novels, the big thick real ones? I've looked at them. I put them on a shelf. I've touched. Never read.

How about the people that read? I know like James Patterson, Rhana. These guys have like red Tolstoy, and Tobaccoits. Who's got the time? Warren Bees and Frankenstein. I think before a phone, I think before a phone, Goosebumps, whatever it is.

Before a phone, you were like, thank God I have this. thank God this book is thick. Right. You know, because you're like, I got a full life ahead of me, I need to entertain it. I think that's why people read the Bible. I suppose so, when they need answers. They need answers and they need advice and there was no YouTube, how do you tie a tie?

I don't know, let me check the Bible. Right. Yeah, I really like to read a real novel sometime. Yeah, you know what else is even crazier to me than the novels is like my wife's dad, I go visit, you know, once every two decades and the dad will have like a book on the corner like, this is about the Franco-Prussian War

and I look at the bookmark, Norman, and it's like a third of the like a three quarters of the way through. Don't give me Sarah's family. Her dad, her brother's still, they just consume books. And I'm a reader, but I read a book, takes me four months, and I got a few books at once, and I'll read two pages, put that down, read this book. Right, I do that. I read a good amount, but like, these guys just go, they read like, like this book. Right, I do that. I read a good amount, but like, these guys just go, they read like Johnny V. But are they retaining?

Why? I think they're retained. I retain nothing. Me neither. I'm like, I tell people, that's my favorite book of all time, you're like, how about that one part? And I'm like, I don't remember that.

No idea. That's my movie. I gotta watch a movie 48 times, just really. I know. So good. It's why when you rewatch a movie, you're like, I miss that, I miss that, I miss that. You're like, thank God I watch this again, I'm an idiot. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

And then things are weird when you watch a movie because you're like, oh, I didn't understand that because I wasn't old enough. I didn't have a wife or a marriage or whatever, a herpy, you know, like you live longer, you experience more, so then you understand more. Well, this is the thing, a herpy, you know, like you live longer, you experience more, so then you understand more. Well, this is the thing, you always think, you're smart.

Your whole life, you're like, I know everything there is to know. And then you're like, wow, I was full on retarded. Which means like, even right now, we're like, that is the dumbest I ever was in my life. Yeah, yeah, this is, we're pretty dumb. Well, that's the Dunning Krueger, is the dumb people think they're smart and the smart people think they're dumb. It's like a David Tel effect. David Tel, one of the funniest guys on the planet. He's like, I'm a

hack. I'm an old cunt. I suck. I'm ugly. I'm bald. I'm gay. And then he goes up and murders with brilliant stuff. And then the hack goes up and goes, yeah, you ever notice the difference between blacks and whites? You know, and then he goes, I'm the best comic ever. Right. Yeah, I mean, we gotta, we should take time to be like, I'm not so smart. Yeah, I guess so. It's hard to teeter.

Teeter, but then you're a smart cat, but there's also stuff we'll never know, because there's so much information. How can you know it all? I know. And now we have too much information. TMI. This Chipotle is really stirring up.

Well, you ordered it. I was like, this is going to be, you're not going to get through this. Yeah. Well, we know what we've talked about this before, but the lounge. What are they thinking at that lounge? It's like cauliflower, broccoli, chickpeas, hummus, pizza. I'm like, you're just creating a gas chamber on this Southwest flight.

I know, and Pita's a pumpkin eater. So you gotta be careful with that. I don't know, I'm a cruelly, I'll check like this. And they hate, they hate animal abuse. I still got that tag on there. Oh shit, I was trying to hide it. When you saw it the last time you went, we're living in a society. You want to get that meal, don't you?

What do you think? How about this? Is this funny? I mean, I'm not as funny, but I think this is funny. It was what I meant. So my friend Erica is coming. My best friend Derek's wife is coming to visit. Derrick Derrick Derrick. Yes, power couple. Yes. Power bottom. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I like. She's coming to visit, spending a week with the kid, which is also funny, because she's like in Seattle. She's like, I'm going, I gotta leave for a week. And Derek's like, my wife's out of town for a week. Where's it going? Where's she going?

Well, let's see my friend. Oh, yeah. See your friend. Right. Well, it's all pipes. And then Derek's mother, she's coming to visit, because she loves her daughter and- Oh, we are.

He is a friend of mine, a fan of mine, but that's Derek's sister was my girlfriend. So my best friend's wife and ex-girlfriend's mother are coming to visit. Well, there's a lot of layers here. Isn't that wacky? It's like an onion. The more you peel, the more it sticks.

But what a funny sentence. Oh, I got a big weekend. I got plans. My best friend's wife and my ex-girlfriend's mother are coming to hang out with me. Wow, yeah. This is like a Neil Simon play. Well, it's wacky, dude.

And then my wife is like, who's coming now? Yeah. What? My ex-girlfriend's mom. Huh? Got that happen. You're getting out of my ex's mom. Yeah.

And then this is, like accidentally, incidentally without trying to be funny. Yesterday morning I wake up, I sent Erica a picture of my baby because I'm like, he's smiling, he looks adorable, you gotta see this. Yeah. Send this.

And a half an hour later, I take a shit the size of the baby's leg and it's green because I had fruit loops the night before. Oh, the old flippy floppy. So I text Derrick, I go, I know you love big old pine trees. Check this one out. I sent him a picture of my big, long green dump.

Yeah. And then I have a moment where I realize I'm like, how funny to have this sums up my relationships with these two people. Right. The wife, I'm like, here's my baby. And my buddy, I'm like, here's my dump. That's funny.

It's like the angel in the devil. Both things I made. Oh yeah. And without even trying to be like, this will be funny funny. I'm like that's just who they are as people Yeah, you know what I see my baby you want to see my dump right and but one came out of you one came out of Sarah That's right. So the dump is more mine really yeah true true and you made Maybe maybe put a ones you on the dump that is an instant that's not really bad Uh-oh well that I had a scratch and sniff. I think it ever wants you to dump is very funny Maybe put a onesie on the dump. That is an instant stink. That's smell really bad.

Uh-oh. Well, that I had scratching sniff. I like it and never onesie on a dump is very funny. I think I can do that. I mean, if you kind of get touched the dump, I guess. Yeah. I don't know why the onesie. That gets a little corny.

I didn't need the dump to be like split at the bottom. Right. You need legs. We can do it. Like a snake tongue. We've done harder things. Ah. Oh, you're in on this. I'm in, maybe. Yes can do it. Snake tongue. We've done harder things. Oh, you're in on this. I'm in, baby. Yes, my idea. What are you getting?

You're saying, Christopher, my dump, baby? I thought you were just the writer. I didn't think you're gonna partissa. I hopped down that clown. I thought you wrote it and sent it to me to shoot. I didn't think you were coming over to slice the dump and be in there. Oh, yeah. I want to produce. By the way, this hoodie's got no pockets. I'm doing this all day. Don't you hate a hoodie without this? I do. I need the pocket, Jerry. Well, all my clothes are bad.

I threw away three pairs of pants yesterday. They all shrink. I'm too long. Nobody's mind dimensions. Yeah, you're long. People that are six, two are fat fucks. They're big fat assholes. Usually I get the waste of a preteen girl

and the legs of, you know, the Kimbae Mucambo. Well, you're basically Jack Skeleton. You're all set. Oh my god, pull up a photo of a big Jack Skeleton. I don't know Jack Skeleton. The nightmare for Christmas. You know, I never got into that. It's a pretty good movie.

Danny Elf and Tim Burton, they do a fine job. I like Burton. I don't care for any Cuck Tuney thing. Let's get out of here. It's stop motion if that helps. Now it doesn't help. All right, which is a little hard for the brain that says, it's stop motion.

What's going on here? That's where they just keep putting it over and over and then they flip book. Yeah, me and my buddy, when I was a kid, we had a camera. We made stop-moche animation films. And it would take 13 hours of staying up, chugging coffee, doing math, move the hand. And then we go, hey, family, get in here.

We're a big red eye, and we look like crackheads. Family comes in, and we go, here it is, buckle up. Boop. That was it. That was six seconds of horse shit with Superman going like. Right. We called the whole family and we called a press conference. We called the paper, we called the news, and it was not worth it.

And then they all just went, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why aren't you in school? Why don't we, what were we talking about? Stop motion, yeah, you jacks, you didn't mention the clothes. Third dimension.

Before that, we were on 3D. Something. Oh, the taking a dump, yeah dead dump with the onesie. Yeah, it was something else there. You know it's weird is that t-shirt is a onesie when you think about it. I mean I guess it doesn't wrap around your dick and balls. But it's still what the whole point is a one. But I think the onesie isn't outfit. I guess so. Yeah. You're just not you're winning the poo over there. Right, right. I'm gonna rest it around the cock and balls.

Right. Okay. Hey, folks, Tuesday stories brought to you by Displate. Get all of your Christmas shopping done in one stop. Give every person on your list the gift of upgrading their space with Displate. Displates are metal posters that take just 20 seconds to install. Won't damage your house. They come with a magnet. They stick to the wall. Then the

display sticks to the magnet. Easy, peasy. I love display. I get a lot of old movie posters. I got a vertigo. I got a taxi driver. They go right on the wall and you know these New York apartments, they fuck you right in the ass on the security deposit. So no harm, no foul with licenses designed for brands like Star Wars, Stranger Things, Perfect GIF for you and sports fans. Displate has what you need to make the season bright, save up to 30% off when you click the link in show notes. Discount will automatically be applied to your cart when you click the link or use code Tuesdays When you visit display dot com that's display dot com code Tuesdays or click the link in the show notes Thank you. This episode is also brought to you by blue chew folks

Tis the season to celebrate and pop that confetti if you know what I mean With ED medicine from Blue Choo. You'll have everything you need to have a good time. Blue Choo is a unique online service that delivers your prescription right to your door. It has the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. You can see whoever you want and the Vichra. But in chewable tablets at a fraction of the cost,

I love Blue Choo. There's nothing I love more on the holidays than sex. I haven't had sex in weeks, and I can't wait to get back on the horse, and the horse is gonna be a sturdy strong horse, because I got myself a few blue chews, right, by the side of the bed. You won't have to have that awkward in-person

doctor's appointment either. Just sign up at bluechew.com, consult with one of your licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll have your prescription, in just sign up at Blutchoo.com consult with one of your licensed medical providers and once you're approved You'll have your prescription in just a few days get on it So you'll have everything you need for the holiday after party. You want to tell him how yeah Oh boy, I was on like liquid IV. I'm an ass. Hey Blutchoo wants to help you have better sex and we've got a special deal for our listeners Try Blutchoo free when you use our promo code Tuesdays as checkout. Just pay five dollars for shipping. Wow, that's nothing. That's BluChu.com promo code

Tuesdays to receive your first month free visit BluChu.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BluChu for sponsoring the podcast, BluChu.com. BluChu.com folks, Tuesdaysu.com, folks, Tuesdays with stories, is also brought to you by LiquidIV, whether you went too hard with your buddies, you know about that. Oh, I'm hung over now. You're just, or you're just one of those people

who never remembers to drink water, that's my wife. LiquidIV is gonna be your best friend. Just mix in one stick of powder with water and get hydrated two times faster than with just normal water alone. It has three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink and eight vitamins and nutrients for everyday wellness. You can bounce back from that Santa stumble in no time. Mark, you've had this stuff before. I love liquid ivy. I keep a giant bag at the house. Grab yours. Right now,

the I liquid ivy hydration multiplier sugar free and bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 20% off when you go to liquid IV dot com and use code Tuesdays at checkout. That's 20% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code Tuesdays at liquid IV dot. Yes, that's it. You support our sponsors support us. Thanks very much back to this show. Yeah How about this I fell last night what's less than you fell? What do you my aunt? You fell you're like an old lady Joe fell Call the police. I mean, I haven't fallen since I was two. Did you get up? Commercial was huge

I'm flying and I can't get up. That was everything every time you hit the ground somebody said that every joke That was big commercials were big By the way, I got a lot of pushback on the pep rally. Did you go to your pep rally? You lying? What happened? I went yeah, it was fun, right? Yeah,, what are you talking about I had 48 people right to me like you nobody goes to a pep rally a piece of shit But see I'm all of them but I caught half of them. I was there We had our faces painted wigs the whole thing. I'm telling you we had pep rallies all right all right Take it easy peppy, but no we did them, but we got drunk as shit for them. Yeah, well, people did that. I wasn't that kind of guy, but...

Oh, okay, sorry. I got tricked later. Yeah, a lot. Oh, we had Peppas, we had assemblies, I was the mascot, we had big games, we had field day, we had the whole thing. And it was fun. Yeah! The cool kids were there. Yeah, yeah, well, they were on the field.

The cool kids... Well, the Pepp R rally is not during the game. I know for the game. They were involved in the pepping. I was in the audience. The pilot is in the audience. Yeah. Anyway, PEP rallies were cool.

You guys are gay. There you go. Oh, you were getting to something. Oh, I fell. I fell. So last night, you know, New York, again, I don't know what percentage of our audience lives in the city.

It's got to be 1%, 2%, maybe 2. I'd go 2% milk. I mean, I do get recognized in the city a lot. Never in Queens, a couple here and there. But like in Manhattan, I feel like I'm like, your elbow. Barbara Stanwick out there. Yeah.

I went Stanwick. I can't, my mind is mush. I don't-wick. I can't, my mind is mush. I don't sleep anymore. I fell. Oh, so the apartment, it's one of these, it's a two bedrooms, so like the bedroom over there is 48 degrees. Okay.

The bedroom over here is 375 degrees. Do you have that in your apartment? Yeah, a little bit. I cracked those windows and I let it all circulate. I'm the same way. So I had the bedroom window open last night. Sarah's in the living room with the baby. You wake up, I'm just, it's 150.

I'm like, this is crazy. I hate that. So in the dark, I go to open a window and there was like a baby toilet. It was a classic comedy. It was like, and I go back. And I just lost the balance at three in the morning. I go, she was a cramer.

And I swept like a bunch of photos, a book came off the shelf and point to me. He had a little nub there growing with the birds around it. Yes, and Sarah's in the back room with the baby going, honey, hello? Somebody? What? Because you think it's a robber.

You don't just get up think like, oh, I bet my husband fell through a table just then. Only a robber is kicking over. Wow, that's great. You're a dead now, you're officially a dead. I mean, I had a little Christmas tree thing that broke. It stabbed me, I was bleeding. I don't know, no glasses on my feet.

Geez. And I couldn't get up. I was like, in the corner like, oh my God. I mean, this is a Griswold moment. It was total Griswold, and I was almost crying because I'm sad and general, and I had to go in there and be like, it's okay, it's nothing.

I just broke all the lamps and all the stuff, but it's less than you felt. It's been a while, and it wasn't that funny when I did it. It was just like, it was like a Biden. He just get right back up, but you sweep and everything off and the dark. Hey, you fall at night, it's a different game. Oh my God.

And then good luck going back to bed. It's not like you're like, okay, I mean, I had shards of glass and a framed photo of Ryan Hamilton's back to my back. That's just, yeah, head bruise and. Wow, I'm sorry, geez, we gotta get you a life alert, I guess. Well Greg's your older, that great joke. He's like, you know, you're getting old when you fall

and it's just concerned. Right. You know, when're getting old when you fall and it's just concerned. You know when you're 17, you fall and everybody laughs at you. Yes. But then when you get older, you're like, is he all right? Shit, should we call somebody? Right. Yeah.

It was a rough evening. Did you get back to bed, he by? It's a lovely evening together. Yeah, I went back to bed and it's very isolated because the babies, you can't sleep with the baby because it dies or whatever. So she's out there with the baby, you do shifts. So I'm just sleeping in a bedroom alone, bleeding.

Wow, man, it's like my ex. So let me just ask you this, and I've never had this in real time with Bill Mar. Great show. But you always hear, hey, when a person has a baby, they become more selfless, they become more open to the world. They forget about their ego goes away a little bit because you have to give your life to this nugget.

But if you always say that after, you're right smack, chock in the middle of it. Do you feel it happening? I mean, we're only a couple of months in here. I mean, what you leave the house, not so much. I mean, I'm just regular podcasting. You're walking around. I'm with the baby, of course.

You're cradling and milking and all the stuff. But then once you're like, okay, so you got him, I'll be back, I gotta go to work. I can't just be sitting here like, baby. Right. I gotta come up with the yuck yucks. Yeah. And of course you are in your mind.

You're like, this is good. That's a good episode. People will watch it. We get advertisers. That's good. People buy the tickets. And they will have money for the baby, which is nice. Give you some sense of purpose.

Yeah. But I think a lot of people are just foolish shit with a lot of stuff. I guess so. It's like, like I said, like it's like I said, I'm like, the baby sleeps in you for two hours. I can't just be like, look at that baby.

Eventually I'm like, now let me see what's going on on an instant. He's sleeping. Right, right. I mean, look at Instagram. Well, that's what's great about you is you live in reality 100% of the time. I try to.

It's gotta be hard on your brain, Noggin. Well, it is. It's one of those things. I'm like, people like you, always say like you forget about everything. Likes don't matter anymore. Social media won't even matter, but I'm like, well, matters more.

I have to make a living. Yes. Need to provide. I gotta sell tickets so I can pay for health insurance. Yeah, really? I don't understand what you're talking about. And these people, by the way, all these people that act, zan about that stuff,

you just sit around long enough at about four hours later, like, did you see that video blew up on that guy? And I'm like, interesting, you know about that. Well, I think four hours is a stretch, I think. Yeah, about an half hour. Right, all of a sudden they're like, that fucking special sucked.

I'm like, see, you're sitting around watching specials of people you don't like. Exactly, exactly. That's interesting to me. That you're sitting around watching specials people you know like. Exactly, exactly. That's interesting to me. That you were completely out of time. Yes, it's always, they always tip their hand just a little bit. We know several people like this.

Oh, I don't even look at anything anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, like, oh yeah, I got called a bald-headed vag, and I'm like, this really? You saw that? Yeah. What did they send you a letter? Exactly.

Well, everybody's full of shit. They're like, I have no time. I have not a time. Everybody always says I have no time. And then they go, you see how some cards have been just all 19 seasons last night. It took four days. You're like, I don't get no time.

I talk about this all the time. And also, and this I was present and aware of leading up to this. And I kept saying this to Sarah, like the nine months she was pregnant. I'm like, because every day we're like, I'm busy, I can't get to this, I got that. And I'm like, we're gonna laugh our asses off

when we have the baby, thinking about that we thought we were busy. And that is a real feeling of like, that's hilarious, that I thought I was stressed and busy before this. I know, I know. It's really like, because you think like,

oh, I gotta do this, this, this, and this. And then the baby's crying, and you're like, okay, well, I'll just do that another time. Yeah and this. And then the baby's crying and you're like, okay, well, I'll just do that another time. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like when you're in high school and you're like, Jeannie didn't talk to me. She hates me, I don't know why, but came Cosby.

Jeannie wouldn't talk to me, or Sarah, or Mary. They won't even look at me, my life is hell, I can't get laid, I'm 13, whatever. And then you're like, boy, those were nothing. But at the time, in those walls of the high school, you're like, this is the worst thing on earth. Well, this is where I've been gotten good too, because the baby will go crazy.

And I have to tell Sarah and remind her, because it feels like forever in the moment. But I'm like, he's never actually screamed for more than seven minutes. Oh, okay. But picture me screaming in your ear for seven minutes. Of course. You're like,

but then you're like, oh, all right, that's past. Yeah. And he's just the most adorable person I've ever seen. Sure. But in the moment, but it helps to be like, okay, this is gonna be maybe 10 minutes.

Same with the bad set we always say. It's like you do a corporate gig, it's the worst thing ever. And you're like, this is 40 minutes and I'll be out of here. Yeah. With a check the size of my sister's ass. Exactly, you just gotta get through it. That's a we always say. It's like you do a corporate gig, it's the worst thing ever and you're like, this is 40 minutes and I'll be out of here. Yeah. With a check the size of my sister's ass. Exactly, you just gotta get through it.

That's a small check. But it's true, but oh, I had a thing, but the check, I think that your sister's ass now throwing off. Sorry. Oh, that's seven minutes. Oh yeah, you never want to just tell a baby. That's probably one of the babies. You can't tell them anything,

but I always want to tell a baby like what are you getting out of this? This is this is a bummer for you too. You're just screaming You don't have to do any work right but can't reason with the little guy. Well, they don't know how to communicate It's all I have is the screaming so it's hard, but then how did they live in the woods? You know when some guy was a You know in the 1812 You know, when some guy was, you know, in the 1812, and he would lived in the woods with a log cabin, and he barely is surviving, it's snowing, he's freezing, he's wearing a belt.

And then the baby's screaming, and you're like, the coyotes are gonna hear it. It's like, how did that live? If I was a coyote, I'd go up, there he is. Whop, in the window, eat it, see you tomorrow. I think that happens. I think a lot of coyotes, Native Americans, I think that's scalped that baby up and... Yeah, I'm starting to casino with it. See you tomorrow. I think that happens. I think a lot of coyotes, Native Americans. I think that's scalped that baby up and...

Yeah. I'm starting to casino with it. Oh, yeah. I don't want to be an Indian giver, but he ever heard that old story about, you know, those old tales where they go, all right, there's a guy on the train tracks. He's going to get hit. There's another guy on the bridge overlooking the train. You could push that guy over, stop the train and he wouldn't hit the family or do you do nothing? You know those old

those like morality tests. Uh-huh. Well the craziest one is you're in a bunker. You're in like a war-torn country. You're in a bunker the Nazi troops or whatever above you You're in this bunker on the round with like 50 people in it and everybody's like We could make it if they don't know we're in here if we make a peep They'll kill us all but there's one whimpering baby going Yeah And it might just start screaming like Larry. Oh, I don't know if you want the name of it. Now, I'll play a put.

All right, they start screaming, what do you do? Do you kill the baby, your own baby, your own flesh and giz to save the 50? Or do you let it scream and kill everybody? I kill the baby. Really? Yeah, I'd like to kill any baby. Yeah, I guess that's true.

But I mean, if you could save 49 lives for one life, kill it. And think about the love you'd get after. Like, hey, thanks for killing that baby. Well, because the baby's not gonna survive if he's crying. If him, if Himmler and Gerbels are playing poker up there and they hear the baby, they're gonna kill everyone, right? Yeah.

So you sacrifice one to save 50. Agreed, but the baby's gonna die either way. I don't know if you got the the sand to just... Oh, well, I'd be the guy that was like, what do you say we vote on her? Yeah. And then we vote on killing the baby, you get the unanimous vote, and then we vote, we've draw straws or smallest dick to see who's gonna kill him. Yeah, next thing you know, you're the governor, because they're like, well, this guy is really cares about the people.

The Commonwealth of the Bunker. That's right. Tennessee, Chock full of morality. What? Tommy Crazier, we are on today. Like hey. No, I felt all right.

I got an idea for you after. Remind me that I had an idea. He has an idea. Yeah. Light bulb. Wonder where that came from. Oh, I realize that. He had an idea for the light bulb. Yeah, I never put that together

Remember that old joke you really old joke with the Alexander Graham Belly vets the telephone And he goes all right. I just invented something stand over there and get on that thing and then I'm gonna be over here You call me on this the guy goes what that's the number he goes one. Oh That's fun. It's funny because the guy knows as a number. Right, right. How would he know? That's funny. Something like that, some kind of joke like that. It's weird, you ever watch a lassie

or Andy Griffith, those old shows. There was no numbers on it. They would just spin that thing and they'd go, operator, get me the Manson family or whatever and then they'd hang it up. That was a kooky system. Yeah, no numbers. And I'm old enough that I've said this before,

my comedy notebook have seven digit numbers in them. It's like Tom Dustin, 6817920. There was no beginning of it. And you'd leave like an answering machine. Remember when we were kids, there was no answering machine. Right. It was just ringing and you'd be like, all right, they're not home.

Yeah. And I was part of the answering machine. Like when my parents got one, they were like, we're gonna do this as a family. So they'd be like, you've called the Norman residents with Rick, Liz, and Eric. And everybody would go, hey, I hate your family and get out of the neighborhood or whatever.

But still, it was fun. That is your, do you have any tapes? Did you say any tapes? No, my mother, my mother has a tape. She has a tape of my grandfather left a voicemail but still, it was fun. That is, do you have any tapes? Did you say any tapes? No. My mother has a tape. She has a tape of my grandfather left a voicemail right before he died, so she has it. Whoa.

Because it's not like digital. You gotta go like pop it into a tiny play or you put it on a tiny head phone. Right. And let's do a tiny voice. It's tiny dick. George's dead, call me back. But yeah, remember the,

all I wanted as a kid was that little man, note me back. But yeah, remember the, all I wanted as a kid was that little man, note to self. Right. Pick up the laundry. Joe's got an idea, light bulb. I love that little thing. Yeah, those are fun. I mean, I still use them all the time.

I did it right for the show. Oh yeah. I don't call Erko. That's right. Oh, gonna settle a alarm for yourself. Well, that's what's weird too about like, when we die, our boys will have 750 hours of us saying racial slurs and stuff.

Like my grandpa is dead, and there's like a little tape of him being like, hey, Deb, it's me, it's dead, call me back. Yeah. That's it. And there's like 11 photographs, but we'll have 75,000 hours in photos of our dick and balls inside of our asshole and Yeah, all of our opinions and thoughts. It's

Good. I don't know. I don't think Lune CK's kids are thrilled But that could be for other factors, but yeah, yeah, that is scary a A lot of photos, though, a lot of great photos. Yeah, you can really watch somebody grow up. Yeah, yeah, and it all just flies by. I was looking through my photos the other day, of course, on a plane addicted to my phone. And I was like, oh wow, meeting the lady in Amsterdam. That's just crazy.

I was just in Amsterdam, just, right in that city. I know, and it only exists in your mind. Yeah. Well, that's what travel has always been so thrilling and exciting, and I'll miss it forever now. But it is weird that you can go to those places, you can just dream, it doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem real.

When I was a kid over in Whitman, Mass, small town, used car, capital, white trash, fucking beautiful town. Chuck with Chipcookie. I never Chuck. Nah. I never thought it was possible to be in Paris.

It just felt like not a possibility. Totally. Or Amsterdam, or Peru, or Ecuador, or fucking wherever. And it's really like makes you happy and proud that you get to those places. 100% and anybody can just do it. You can just, the internet.

It's also, you don't have to call the travel agent. Ain't Nancy. Book me a straight flight to Tahiti. What? Couldn't do it. You could do it. Like a lot of people too, like, wow, we don't have the money, but it's like, well, you could quit smoking or soda

or whatever for a week and save up and go to Paris. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I remember as a kid, I'd look at like a picture in a magazine and go to Paris. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I remember as a kid, I'd look at like a picture in a magazine and go like, wow, Maui, look at that. Who goes to Maui? Maui's the thing, but now you don't care because you can just swipe through everything,

but I'd be in a dentist's office like, wow, look at that. Prague, what the fuck's Prague? Well, I thought that we even more with South America or like I went to Wales and Ecuador and Peru because those weren't even places you heard people going on TV. Yeah. Like you think of London, Paris, Italy, the British.

Right, right. Or Hawaii, but like to go to like Ecuador, nobody was like talking about Ecuador as a kid. You're like, this is really crazy. That felt like Indiana Jones shit. Who was there? Yeah, yeah, that was a, that was a different time. It was all so far away.

But your brain really built it up too. You're like, oh, Ecuador, what's up with that? You start fantasizing about it. Well, I told you, I'm gay and I'm a girl and I like, like, pigtails, but I was in Paris. I was traveling with Louis and felt isolated because at that time we weren't hanging out much. And I was with Mackie and Rachel, but everyone was doing their own thing. I was way from my wife, my family't hanging out much. And I was with Mackie and Rachel,

but everyone was doing their own thing. I was away from my wife, my family, the whole thing. And I went out walking and I saw the Eiffel Tower. I started crying. Yeah, yeah, wow. I cried, Jerry. Similar thing, I went to Paris with Doug Key and he cried. Wow, there's an England thing.

Yeah, baby, baby. Yeah, and it's also a funny thing, like it's all going on right now. Like, Paris, they're just walking around, fucking somebody. Well, they're like we are in New York people walking on taking photos and people from Paris are like we taking a photo Yeah, true, which I try we I think I've said this before but I always try to take a moment of Gratitude when I see tourists taking photos of like a street sign that to them. They're like whoa Look at that yeah it's like oh I like it to get shit on this side we work here right right right well I've said it before but I don't know must have been 15 I was

shit housed I was at a Mexican restaurant I remember don't know why I was there what I was doing there but I went to take a piss all the graffiti's on the bathroom wall and it said the hottest girl you've ever seen, some guys tired of fucker and I went, wow. And then I jerked off at the urinal, but it's so true and it's the same with Fifth Avenue. They're taking a photo of the sign. You're like, I hate this street. Move it all, move it along. Wow. That is really interesting. Isn't it you fucking with me? No, I'm serious, I'm not putting any perspective. Yeah, isn't that wild? But that's like all these people have their own,

it's inside, outside. In fact, you're inside to their outside. Yeah, like you get inside. Yeah, Brad Pitt is like, oh god, my life sucks, I'm a piece of shit. Is that it? What, the... Oh, I thought you gave us a wrap it up. No, no, no.

I agreed with you, I just pointed it in the face. I thought that was like a, it up. No, no, no, I agreed with you. I just Thought that was like a what are you doing? Pontipi are wanting to dig grab divulge what's the word? I had no That reminded me of a thing that was another thing But I can't remember what it was now that quote was reminding me of a gay quote or a moment or something a gay quote or a moment or something. Okay, it was some kind of, I watched some kind of director or actor be like, I'm a piece of shit whatever. But did you ever think like, does Daniel Day Lewis go like,

I blew it in that movie? I think so, yeah, definitely. It's weird to think about him being like, ah, that wasn't great. Well, you know, it's fun about Daniel Day, Julius is, you made that point earlier about, you know, the people are like, oh, the baby, it's the best thing ever happening.

You're not going to look at Instagram. You're going to move on with your life. You're going to grow up. And then you're like, two, two minutes later, they're like, oh, you see that guy, you know, through the bottle and it flipped and landed right. You know, that whole thing. Well, Daniel, they Lewis, I think he's a psycho. I think he's totally crazy.

Yeah, he's not well. It doesn't seem. No, obviously a talent, but he's a psycho. I think he's totally crazy. Yeah, he's not well. It doesn't seem. No, obviously a talent, but he's a cook. But he's like, I'm retiring from acting, and I will be a cobbler in Paris. Right. Flute Paris, open the shop, start at Coblin's shoes within three months,

back to Hollywood. Right, right. So all this horseshit romance, but I live out of fairy tale. Reality still sets in. Well, don't you feel like too, and I feel like this was comedia, his horse shit romance, but a live out of fairy tale, reality still sets in. Well, don't you feel like too, and I feel like this was comedic with,

and I'm gonna sound pretentious, but like artists and maybe other fields as well, but like you are that, you pursued that because it's Indian. Like you should be acting, and this is what I've said to Louis, who's taking a year off, I'm like, but you're a comedian.

Great point. I don't get it. Yeah, yeah. That's like, you did that because you had a need to express yourself in this way. It's a compulsion. Yeah, like Daniel, they lose. I'm like, you should act.

Also, it's criminal, not to because you're the best one. Exactly. It's like a disservice to everybody. I know, but they get this bullshit romantic thing in their head with their like, that'll be it for me like Tarantino's like I'll do ten and Close the book like why keep going dick, but they're inside where our outside They're inside like I don't want to make it anymore. I don't want to be a pirate I get them, but I just think they'll be less happy right by not I mean the cobbler who wants to cobble well

D.D.L. in his defense, it is, it's not like why Deneiro's not as good as he once was, because it's like, ah, I got to lose weight, I got to figure out accent. Nice, nice. And then those, like Danny, they lose, so it seems like it would be hard to deal with, but like, yeah.

He's got to go in the character for two years. He has a wife and shit. And he's just like, I have to be a Nazi for two years, smack you around. Yeah, yeah, that would be hell for her. She's like, I gotta live with a Nazi now. Yes, I gotta be blinking to my fucking house. Yeah, which is gonna be so annoying

that like fucking P.T. Anderson has to be like, okay, and this scene Mr. Plain, you. I know, I know. I need you to do this and he's like, I don't care about you today. We're all gonna craft fucking P.T. We're all gonna craft, sir. What just craft service?

I've never heard of such a thing. He's like, all right, I'll see you there. Well, I think what this would be. They will be blood too. Like Paul Dano would say what you want about him. I'm like, some people don't love him. I think he's okay. And he's got, I think he's gonna play you in a movie.

I think he's, I'll take it. Yeah, I mean, Dano is a good one. I think he's great and some stuff. I don't love him in other stuff, but he takes chances, whatever the fuck. But him and D they will be blood. You're like, he should just get checks from the government for making that movie,

because Danilois is in character, dragging him and shoving mud in his face and slapping him. Yeah. Like the idea, I would be petrified if they like, I was like, cast in this movie, you're like, oh my god, I'm in a PT and this is so exciting. And then you show up and fucking Danilois is like, oh my god, I'm in a PT and this is so exciting. I think you're gonna have to go dinner and go on a press tour with this guy

I'd be like fuck off. I don't want to talk to you ever again. I know if you took some Quee from a young in the restless who calls himself an actor and you put them in that movie they call the police Oh, forget about it. Yeah, but Dan O'Connor handle it Dan O'Hannel. Yeah, but yeah, yeah, Dan O'Connor is good, but These I mean they had Jim Carrey was in a man on the moon. Oh, I saw Dan Oh, but yeah, yeah, Dan Oh is good, but these, I mean, they had Jim Carrey was in Man of the Moon. Oh, I saw that, I've never seen that doc where they show him, he's always in character

and they all hated him. The director hated him, the other actors hated him, the writers hated him, the prop guy hated him. Well, he was horrible. He was horrible. I'm fairly, I love Jim Carrey for his nice stuff, but you watch that and you're like, oh, you're an ass. Like, I don't, I love Jim Carrey for his nice stuff, but you watch that and you're like, oh, you're an ass.

Like, I don't, I've never heard of Daniel DeLewis, even if he's Daniel Plainview, but like Daniel Plainview has no business roughing up this craft service guy. No, no. But Jim Carrey's just showing up and like knocking over the craft and stuff. And you're like, this person makes like minimum wage.

I know, or whatever. But he's an artist. I watched that and I was like, what are you doing? Nah, I couldn't watch it. It was so uncomfortable. It was cringey. I felt bad for everybody. And you wanted to just shake him by the shows and go, you're not that guy.

We know you're Canadian. Shut up. You're ruining my life. Yes, yes, exactly. Yeah, I had a friend who's, you know, I never want to tell his stories, but he knows Jim Kerry and I tell the story about Jim Kerry, I'll tell you what it's after, but Jim Kerry was like, I wish everybody could get rich and successful so they could see that's not the answer.

And I think that's a valid point. That's like what we're talking about. Sure. You know, everyone, you think like, oh, Brad Pitt must have a gray, this person must have a gray, but they have their own problems. But then this person who's a friend in the business, like, oh, Brad Pitt must have a gray. This person must have a gray, but they have their own problems. But then this person, his friend in the business was like, oh, Jim Carrey should not be saying that publicly. He's like, that's embarrassing.

Because you're like, you aren't speaking to all these, like, I understand it doesn't solve your problems, but like, you're telling this to people that are like, roofing houses and are divorced and have a barely getting, but they're paycheck to paycheck, through a manual labor, and you're talking about your butt,

literally, and you're worth $700 million, you're like, you gotta send that to your shrink or to your buddy, who's also an actor. That makes sense. It's like, folks, having 300 million in the bag isn't all it's cracked up to me. Let me tell you, and you're like, okay, that's great. I am behind on my rent, and my union just ended.

And you wanna be like, so just give it away then. Give it all away. Right, it's not everything. It's not gonna make you happy. Then give it away. You built a studio in your house where you could paint all day. Yeah, I can't help but notice you have $75,000

with the paint. Yes. And you're an airplane hanger. Yes, exactly. And you're wearing a leather jacket that costs 10 grand or whatever. So yeah, it's like those kids are like, this university is racist,

they won't let any people in and it's gross. And they're like, well, why don't you give up your seat? Well, what time's lunch? You know, there's a lot of that going on. Yes, so, so buttons. My dad used to always say, if I said so, it'd say so buttons. Ah, that's something. That's a pretty good bit.

Yeah, pretty good bit, especially your dad doesn't speak. So when he says anything remotely fun, you're like, whoo, baby, how about that? That's all I would say. I'd be like, so. And then we wouldn't be talking. I'd be like, so, he goes, so buttons. And I'd be like, right, the Patriots, so.

He'd be like, so buttons. Ah. He might be autistic. Possibly, everyone's autistic. That's what it feels like. Spectrum. Spectrum mobile. Hey, what's Spectrum Silver?

That's the medicine. Oh, I don't know the medicine. You know, it's a eight-as-zinc. Ah, not familiar. Anyfarts, we gotta wrap this thing up. Ah, this is one of my favorite episodes ever. I love it. It was funny and profound, I thought.

Yeah, good stuff. I'm out of juice. I got nothing left. I know, we're gonna do a bonus. Yeah. The bonuses are the best though. That's how we really get loose. We really get Kuku.

We've been trying different things. Call in, tell us what you wanna hear. I'm down for heads up if you're feeling Kuki. Oh, you can play some heads up. Play some games, get wacky. January 11th to the 13th. I'm down for heads up if you're feeling cookie. Oh, you can play some heads up, play some games, get wacky. January 11th through the 13th, oh, Merry Christmas by the way, forgot sex. Yeah, happy Hanukkah. Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Guanza.

January 11th through 13th, Tacoma, go to Punch Up Lives, slash Joe Hyphen list. All my dates are on there. There's a unique, whatever the fuck you call it specific stuff content YouTube doing a bunch of bullshit on YouTube Pukipsy January 19 to the 20th by the time you hear this hopefully the ticket link for county mothership is the best club in the world I can't get a fucking ticket link. It's driving me nuts. February 8th to the 10th. Gonna be some fun special guests there. Yeah, and

I got a bunch of shit Pittsburgh, Raleigh, Tampa Traverse city Missouri what's Columbia Missouri St. Louis, Missouri? A bunch of them coming up comedian Joe Liz punch up live Check out my YouTube here here first things first I'm at the beacon in one month about January 27. Let's go. Yeah, let's go. Open for Jerry Seinfeld there. It's nice to be able to headline. Maybe I'll ask him to open. I'm also at the lyric in Baltimore. I mean, Birmingham, then the strand in Shreveport, Louisiana, not bragging. Then a, yeah, a bunch of stuff in January, Tampa, Phoenix, Salt Lake City. I'm coming to Kentucky.

I'm coming to Jacksonville. I'm coming all over your face. It's going to be a hot tour. You don't say check it out. Mark Norman comedy. Dot com. Have a happy holidays. Chock full of nuts.

What do you got? I just want to remind the Tuesdays next week, we always take Christmas off of God's sakes. Just so no one gets upset, but we're going to do a Patreon preview episode, right? Where we just kind of show like a couple, it's just audio, right? Just like last year, we did this last year.

Not listening anytime, Chuck's talking. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Do we say that? But I know that he fell. Just so anyone on the, you know, that's what's coming out. It's not going to be a normal episode next week. No episode.

No episode for long. 10 years. Yeah. We have not done episode the week of Christmas for 10 years. Yeah, Chuck was a boy and his father's balls. The last time we did an episode, we've never done it. He'll be the only one. Don't yell at Chuck.

Don't yell at us. And fucking be with your family for God's sake. Christmas is on a Monday, so. Christmas. You lose an hour at Jizz jokes. You'll be all right. On a Monday. On a Wowserist.

On a Monday. Check out my podcast, Fun Barable. You went a bunch of Christmas podcasts this month. We just had my buddy Brian Rupert on from the podcast. Oh, no, he's a Rupert. He's a great dude. I thought his first name was Rupert. His last name is Rupert. the Rupert. He's a great dude. I thought his first name was Rupert.

His last name is Rupert. Brian Rupert. He's like Kramer, I just blew my mind. I know, I was calling Rupert. Some people call him Rupp, because it's RUP, P-P-E-R-T, but it's produced Rupert. I don't care for Rupp. But we had him on for a Christmas episode.

Every year we do an episode where we pitch new Christmas specials and ideas. Nice. And I pitched a terrible new metal Christmas album. Little bit of a kick. Kid Rock was really awful. So check it out, funbearablepod.com and at funbearablepod and social media.

All right. Peace. Oh, Christmas, dad. Peace. Oh, what's to be themselves? Oh, remember, happens when magic's cried. Oh, miss, they watch it, the music died. Please, fun.

Try it Oh, this may work in the music time Please, one day