Tuesdays with Stories! - #535 Grant's Fume

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Joe continues to add to the leafblower saga! Has he finally confronted the leafblower lovers?? Mark heads to Omaha, and then to Austin to do Comedy Mothership and Protect Our Parks with Joe Rogan, Shane Gillis and Ari Shaffir. Joe has a hell of a time with a difficult parking attendant, and stays sassy with a stairway texter! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com, promo code TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't turn it up. Bad thing, we're here. Sorry, I got a bad cream in my cuff. So what do you, you just, you had a sip? I had a sip, I had a bad little coffee mate. You know, the old, a little cupie there, a little shot. Uh-huh.

And it apparently was curdled. Oh, so, so it tastes, so right away when you taste it, you just taste it overpowers the coffee. I know a curdled come when I taste it, and that's right here in the hangy bowl. Can I taste it? No, I remember you when you didn't drink coffee. Oh, those are better times you didn't drink coffee.

Oh, those are better times. Not that long ago. I'm hooked. I mean, I remember you being like, I'm giving coffee a try. Oh, you can see it looks a little nasty. Yeah, a little bit. Why is it look like that?

It's like a milky wet market in there. Doesn't smell horrible. Oh, really? I mean, you know better than me, you're drinking it. Oh really I mean I got you know better than me you're drinking it Oh god that's gonna smell forever you want to try it Chuck? No you got to be sick. Oh Wow, you got to be shitting Cuff like a month

Too late forget the forget the curdle. I mean that that forget the caffeine that'll wake you up I have alive now man that tastes just rancid it's just pure What do you call it when a fermented? Come I don't know much about milk, but or history, but what about biology? But I do know that I love you, pal. And it's good to see it. I don't know who's in that office. I just banged on the thing. It'll be coming right over. Boy, sometimes you know you just see,

I'm coming up the sidewalk. I see your fat asshole and I go, all right. And here we go. Let's have some times. We're back, baby. We did a Chipotle. Before the show, we wolfed it down. We beat the lunch rush, which in this town will fuck you right in the tank Oh Chipotle line will be out the door everyone's in heels and I like to jerk off and come on them and right around the corner

This Chipotle sure. Yeah, I see I leave an empty get sour cream just Right on the bowl. What was I gonna say? Oh, you know, it was fun I was at home with the the baby and I said I was holding them patting them on the asshole and I said all right I gotta put you down. I gotta go to work. And isn't that funny? We're at work. Yeah, this is work. Like, you're gonna explain to a kid,

like, I'm off to work, cause you don't say podcast, you don't know what the fuck a podcast is, nobody's gonna know what work is. You should keep a briefcase by the door, just to look like you're really going somewhere. Crackers. But this is it, we're at work. I mean, you gotta take a somewhere. crackers. But this is it.

We're at work. Why? I mean, you're going to take a real moment to go. This is pretty good. Pretty good. We did it. We need one of those like, you know, the other time pun. Punch card punch card.

That would be fun. But yeah, this is work. Not bad. Could be worse. Yeah, we are in an office building in Manhattan. That's true. Could be better. By the way, wall paper is coming down. Yeah, that's true. You know, it's a lot of a lot of calm.

I have people who tune in and they're like, oh, by the way, do we say that word too many times in the first seven seconds for demonetizing or whatever the hell? Well, we don't get shellbeat, shellbeat demonetized us like a year and a half ago. Yeah, we don't know how to get paid, we've never been paid by YouTube. We're probably missing out on like hundreds of thousands of those official. But YouTube is fucking everybody now. Everybody hates YouTube.

And they did some other thing that couldn't go on. Sarah couldn't upload Vecchioon because he just says racist in the thing. Cause it's like AI. Yes. Is doing the shit. By the way, I have come on my shirt. I saw that.

I saw that. Wow, already. Or a spin up whatever it's called He's been up come Jesus great. It's how do you get the hold of it? Well, it's we'll cut this whole thing. Well, yeah, that's a it's a whole not a podcast But not really Vecchio And uh wait a minute. He just says the word racist. They got these filters on there now Where they just hear buzzy words and they come at you. But even if you're going, I hate racist.

That's what I think it is. I think his joke was, you know, people think I'm racist because my hair cut and it was like, no sir. Wow. Something like that. Don't get too panties in a bunch because my wife was talking.

I wasn't listening. But it was something of that ilk. All right. Well, yeah, Sam told me he did an anti-Semitic joke making fun of anti-Semites and they pulled his ass. And he's a big old Jew face. Well, that's why Punch Up Live is the future. I really believe this in this company right now.

I'm scared to get in. The guy seems like he wants to hang out and chit chat. Well, he likes to chat. Chit for sure. And yeah, it's a lot of texting, but they're helpful texts. He cares, he's trying. Okay, don't get me wrong I'm like this. Oh Jesus Christ, but Very helpful and he will never he's on the record. He will never

What do you call it when you cut the stuff out edit sensor? Sensor he's not doing any censoring and it's free and all people have to do they just Put their email in and then you get the email and you go censoring. He's doing any censoring and it's free and all people have to do. They just put their email in and then you get the email and you go, oh, this person is watching at Omaha. Let me book a state-emin Omaha because one guy watched. So you get some analytics and it's a nice stop and all your dates are right there right under the thing because YouTube they add it your stuff they censor. Yep, and you don't have all a ticket link right underneath. I see that's big. Uh-huh. Okay, and he's just a good guy. So I got he's a big gay and all that stuff. Well, there you go punch up as you're a nice little plug there your butt plug and maybe I'll get on it. I think I'll do it eventually.

Well, you don't have to. You're doing fine. Yeah, but you want to keep those emails. That's the hard thing about this biz. Even if you get somewhere, you got to stay there. Cause we've all seen the drop off. My God, have I ever just see my testicles. But by the way, people keep writing, cause I plug it and people like, what is this, the 90s?

You think emails and I'm like, you have no idea how often I do a show and people say, hey, when are you coming to Toledo? And I'm like, I just built a house in Toledo and sold it, you fuckface. Exactly. Story my life. Fuck it, Toledo.

They always do that. When are you coming? I've had people go, when are you coming to California? And I have my dates and the California's on there. Yeah. And I'm like, did you even read the picture? I think they don't look. They just go straight to the source.

But we're coming in also on'm like who's not using emails I love email. Yeah, what are you using? Stale mail I get an email from my favorite band they go we're gonna be playing Brooklyn on August 15th And I go great thanks to the email cuz what I'll otherwise what am I doing just googling rock venues the future is email Email is good. Yes, What the hell is email? What are you scientists? Um, email is really too. Oh yeah.

Well, I bought the tea because I wasn't sure what we were doing. I was in flux because it was real. acid reflux. So I was coming here. I was a little early. I was like, should we get Chipotle before? Get it in the middle. I needed to eat.

But I was like, I don't know. I'll just get a donut and a tea. Yeah, flux. And then when I was ordering, should we get Chipotle before? Get it in the middle? I needed to eat, but I was like, I don't know. I'll just get a donut and a tea. Yeah, flux capacity. And then when I was ordering the tea, you were like, let's just go to Chipotle. So I was like, all right, I'll hold onto the tea. I'll have it after, but I like the tea after, but I want it hot.

Yes, yes. Now I got lukewarm shit water. And then you go water with shit and a bag. Yeah. It's dirt and leaves in a bag. That's right. Literally leaves. Yeah.

Isn't that weird? It's unbelievable. The most popular beverage in the world. That's true. Coffee to? I think tea is well ahead of coffee. Well ahead, but then there's water as well. Oh, coffee to T-W-O.

Yes. I see. Yeah, yeah. Number two. I think it's tea, coffee, water. But did the count water, because water has to actually be number one. You can't have tea with that water. Yes.

But you can't have Pepsi with that water. You can have beer with that water. Right. That's what's weird about the baby, too, is like the baby can't have water. You give the baby water. What? Let's tips fall off.

But then you make formula with water. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, baby can't have water. No What the fuck that's formula only we're 70% water? That's the earth. I see Flat earth there, but wait a minute. I think the body is a lot of water. Absolutely. That also be 70% Body earth and body both. Oh, that sounds like a placey chop for your mom. Earth and Body. I'm gonna get a candle for Christmas.

That's funny. You see that is funny. There you go. Earth and Body. Earth and Body, but there's always those hippie-dippy cum gussers like, hey, Earth, Body and Mind, it's all one, live, laugh, love. Well, I often go to these, not often, but you walk around these hipstery towns and there's a store and it's like where the, I think I've probably said this before, where the green store, the sustainable store.

And everything's made out of, you know, Bud Light cartons and whatever, and old pencil racers, but the irony is every single thing in the store is completely unnecessary. So they're like, we recycle, but you like, but you recycled it into something that's not necessary. Yeah, you made it much as shit. It's like, it's a shoe horn made out of old street lamps. You're like, I don't need a shoe horn. And I'll just throw that out again. So now we're just back to the garbage.

Exactly. You just made garbage out of garbage that just makes more garbage. Here, here, boy, that was heavy. Yeah. I like that. Heavy garbage, that's a bad name. more garbage. Here, here, boy, that was heavy. Yeah. I like that. Heavy garbage. That's a bad name. Heavy garbage. And now, and now, we all heavy garbage.

Maybe if the lady from garbage puts on a few pounds. Surely, McClanson. What was her name? Surely, Manson. Ooh, tough name. How are you garbage? What do you got? The earth is about 71% water.

OK. OK. A close. Human beings, 60. All right. Okay, close. Human beings, 60. Alright, it goes pretty good. Yeah. Somewhere in the ballpark, that's a lot of agua. I mean, this whole baby not having water thing

is blowing my tits off. Yeah, I don't know. You can't give it water. I don't understand, but then you take water, you put powder in it, you shake it up, more tussin, the baby can have that. I don't get it. There you go.

I'm blown, Jerry. Me too. I haven't been blown in a while, but I think about it all the time. I don't get it. You go. I'm blown, Jerry. Me too. I haven't been blown in a while, but I think about it all the time. I don't know. I'll see you. I'm looking to marriage. Somebody just on your shoulder, at least. Somebody's getting to each.

That's not bad. I mean, I got a lot to get to. Please. It's been a big apple pie. A lot going on. They beat. No. Lay it on me, fatty.

I'm excited. I can just say a couple things and it will toss to you or you want to alternate. Let me do one and I'll shove you, because if I just go for 40 minutes, they'll firebomb my house. No, they like it. It'll be a line of them do. It'll be a line of leaf blower.

It'll be like a 21 gun salute of leaf blower. It's blowing my pants off. Yeah, if you want to get back at this cat, just show up to his house with an old Dyson. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh my God, well I had an incident with them. Oh, we're all going to hear. I know this is three weeks in a row of this,

but I think I might have quelled it. Now I don't know if it was me shouting, DJ Quills, or them just being done with leaves, but there has not, we had an incident and it has been a leaf blown since. Okay, lay it on me. So, you know, as you know, the leaf blowers out there, and what I've been doing is just taking some video,

taking a photo, posting it, everyone writes, these people are awful, and my wife is usually sleeping, sometimes the baby's sleeping, so you don't wanna get too crazy, but I fume, I fume again. Yes, yes, fume. So I got fuming the cube, gleaming the fume, I thought of gleaming the cube, but nothing really work in there. Alright, I'll cut that. Grant's fume. Hey, that's good. Yeah.

I like deep, deep in my head. Yeah, that was nice. Well, anyways, so one morning, and I've been telling this story to my wife and anyone that will listen that this goddamn leaf blowing couple sucks. So one morning I'm up and I've shifted over, I've taken the baby, Sarah's in the bedroom,

and I just hear, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, man, you're pretty good at that. I'm getting better, I hear it a lot. And then I just hear from the bedroom, what the fuck is that noise? Uh-huh. And this gives me the green light,

because finally she's on board. The wife. Yes. Okay. And I was a little annoyed slightly because I'm like, that's the thing I've been talking about. Yes. But she's been sleeping through it or hasn't heard it, whatever. And she like, that's the thing I've been talking about. Yes. But she's been sleeping through it

or hasn't heard it, whatever. And she goes, that's crazy. And I'm like, I know. Where you been my whole life, sister? I got 40,000 twos, Gays. Yeah. Oh, revved up and ready to kill this woman. Oh, did we get more listeners?

But, so, so what, say, say, what, I think we're 100K, don't sell yourself, sure. All right, I hope I'm a hundred gay over a hundred K K K making a weekly listeners. Yeah, like a hundred and twenty five hundred forty Twenty five thousand. That's not if everyone get a buck a month whatever our YouTube number is it's like there's like more Audio subscribers by like 50% I don't want to see these ugly mugs keep listening fetties. Oh, you should see my face my god It's horrendous. I don't know how anyone loves me. Maybe no one does but anyways around the fence

So she goes no offense so she goes what the fuck that's crazy and I go I know but now do you ever have this? What something's bothering me which is all the time? Yeah, I'm always bothered you're perturbed I got mental problems all the time. I, I'm always bothered. You're perturbed. I got mental problems. All the time, I'm like, what's that noise? Is that crazy? Anyone else hearing that? Everyone's like, I don't hear it.

I'm like, okay. I'm one of the persons like, I hear it. I'm like, should we go fire bomb their house? Right. Is that hyper vigilance? Is that what that is? Have you heard of that? I don't know.

It's when you hear it, you hear it, notice everything. You're very observant. So after a while, it's overkill or it's overwhelming because you're like, try to have a conversation but I hear a faint hum. Then over here I hear a guy with this fucking rap music blaring in the car. And I can't focus on you.

And they're like, just listen to me. And you're like, I'm listening to everything. I have that. Whenever it is, I thought I was like, OCD or something, but I have it all the time. And I'll just tell people, I can't concentrate because I can hear this. And people, I'm like a party or a gathering and more than one group of people are talking,

I just can't do it. I'm like, I'm hearing this. And sometimes it'll be like other people you know and you'll hear your name or something you're interested in. You'll just be like, yeah, Joe and I the other day, and I'm like, wait, what do we do? You get that thing where you're like, what is this? Or they're talking about the college football playoff and I'm like, actually, I like this

better, I think I can't hear. Yeah. Uh, but any, any fuss, but it's why I allowed bar sucks. Brutal. And it reminds me of, uh, there's like those old documentaries about the space program, the Apollo shit. Mm-hmm. And back then, they didn't have any technology,

so everybody was on the same frequency. Now so fascinating, these scientists, they're like geniuses obviously, but they had to just learn how to listen to the one voice they were intended to hear. See, literally you have like 35 people talking. And you could be like listening to this while there's everyone else.

Wow, what about the sonar guy? That's a tough gig. Buh! Buh! Buh! Yeah. It's getting closer. I'm sonarded. Alright. Retarded! Sonarded. Alright, cool.

Oh, boy. Anything that doesn't hit, I blame the child and yours, I just, you know. Well, lack of sleep is a real mind-cut. It really is. Mind-cut, another good man. Oh. Heavy garbage. Oh, mind-cut.

Heavy garbage and mind-cut. I'm gonna fuck the pussy on your brain. Mind-cut. Um, so anyways, now she hears it, so that's given me. Now I have a thing where I'm like, you're disturbing my wife, Mr. Ah. So I go over there and I open the window.

And fortunately, at this moment, the wife hadn't come out yet. His wife, it was just the guy, which is better if you're gonna explode, you want to do. Yes, yes. It's gonna feel a little less psychotic. I don't wanna be Jake Lamata out there. But, so I open that window and I said,

Hey, hey, and the guy looks up and I go, you're an asshole. Wow. And the guy was like, whoa, I said asshole. Oh, wow. I was like, it's, by the way, it was 7.45 AM. I'm like, it's 7.45 AM and all the people that are like, that's not even early, I go to work, I'm awake.

But it's still early. Still early. It is still early. You, fuck your family. That is just to do it is still early. Fuck your family. That is the definition of early 745. School hasn't started yet. Get the hell out of here. Now, what kind of guy is he?

Get me a full profile. Older guy, like I said, I think Serbian, some kind of Eastern European. Pretty sure Serbian, because I told you, I saw the mass with the flag on it. And I don't know, just a portly guy, probably 60 maybe. 50, 60 and wife, they feel very Eastern European, Eastern block kind of look.

That's good because you don't want a brown component. Oh, I wouldn't do it. Yeah, because a brown component now, it's a racial thing or a hate crime or a Palestinian Jew thing or whatever. Well, this day and age, yeah, you can't, you can't be, you just can't do it. No, because then they could turn the camera and you go, hey, look at big, honky face over here, tell it to me what's what? I know it's not, you just got to be like, all right, well, sorry. But that's this guy and It's rare to yell at a brown guy going you're early

So all right Excuse me. Shake a leg, but But I just said hey, I'm like it's 740. I was like do you have to do that at this hour? Could you do that at noon? Yeah, he goes it has to be now. No, no, it has to be now It has to be now your home all day you're wearing slippers, and I said how about a broom You have a broom use a broom. This is obnoxious. I said, how about a broom? You have a broom, use a broom. This is obnoxious. I said, you're an inconsiderate person. Wow.

And he said, no, no, no, and he said, you do it. You do it. You do it. And I go, I'd be happy to do it. I will do that. I will do it at 12 p.m. I will come down there, I'll do it. And I said, I'm serious.

If you're serious, I'm serious. I will do that for you. Wow. And I said, I'll probably use a broom because I'm not inconsiderate. If you're serious, I'm serious. I will do that for you. Wow. And I said, I'll probably use a broom because I'm not inconsiderate and you are inconsiderate. And I look over the baby's just going like, oh, he looks terrified.

And Sarah, I think her pussy was wet. I couldn't smell it, but I think. I am. This is great. And then what was the other thing? I went, I go, I go, what time do you go to bed? I'm gonna come to your house and leaf blow. And then I went,

I did the impression. Wow. And then I went, woo! I did the impression. Oh, woo! Wow! And then he turns, and he goes, woo, woo, woo, woo! So we're both gluing out the window at 7.45. There's some other name or going, I think there's four blowers out there.

I know, I know, and I'm like, but it was brooping, it felt good. I got all keyed up, and I will say this, there has not been a single leaf blow since then it worked possibly Eradolives, but I've seen some leaves over there So then that night that was Friday that night. I was at Grove 34 It was me and Matt Wayne and Andrew Shivone the birthday boys birthday buddy. Whatever the fuck that was called We did two episodes of a thing. Check them out on YouTube, they're pretty fun.

All right. We never did Matt's birthday though. Yeah, you got a fuck. Well, they came over my birthday and so we did a little podcast in the basement and then Shavon's birthday was a month later so I was like, we'll do it for your birthday. There you go. And then Matt was like, mine is in the summer. And I was like, yeah.

Yeah, that's the end of that. I can't do another podcast. Now, any farts, So they came over that night. My friend Erica was in town, and I was like, I'm not joking. If you want to do a set on this show, we got to pick up some leaves and throw them in this guy's sidewalk. And they're like, I can't tell if you're serious.

I'm like, I'm 100% serious. It's a requirement. So we've videoed it, but it was nighttime and the flashlight went off. So I was like, kill the lights. You have fucking piece of shit, but we all grabbed some leaves and sprinkled them all over the sidewalk.

Oh, fun. But I think God's leaf blower, the wind. The wind? The wind took it. Yes. But it was fun. And then I had another moment, this was fun. I parked on the street, and I just happened to get a spot

right in front of that building. And there's like a tree, like you know, there's like a little thing cut out where there's some soil. Yeah, the cut out of the sidewalk, there's some soil with a tree and then some little flowers. And I assume they're there. So I did a fun gag, whereas I was getting the stuff out of the car. I was just digging my feet through it.

And I was like, oh, I forgot the stroller. Let me get that. I just dug it all up. It was great. This is getting heavy handed over here. Wow, you got to play ball or go to the mall, whatever the thing. But they stopped.

I feel like you won. Now you're at an insult to him. Well, they stopped, I think, because there's no leaves. I don't know. I don't know why they stopped. They could be back, but still they leaf-blowed blue every day. That's true. That's true. Now, I got a fun why they stopped. They could be back, but still they leaf-blowed blue every day. That's true. That's true.

No. I got a fun idea. Please. Maybe for Christmas, just as a real wrench turner. Mm-hmm. Go out, get a nice, shiny new broom from Ace Hardware. Put a nice ribbon on that puppy

and put it right at their door. That's not bad. I mean, Just to go, hey, blow me. Not really, don't blow me. They have a broom though. Because what they do is they zoom it all over and then one of them sweeps it up.

Ah, man. This feels like their weird marital thing. Like their therapist was like, you guys should do things together. They would bring the marriage together and then now they got a leaf blower. I know, I have moments where I'm like, this is a nice couple.

They moved here from a war-torn country. Sure. They got their lives together. They bought a building every morning. They get up, they take care of the sidewalk. They want it to be nice and neat. I don't know. They might have gotten deported for blowing at 7 a.m.

That's possible. But so there is moments where I'm like, I feel bad, but it's crazy. I think it's crazy to leaf blow at seven the morning every day in New York and everyone comments, I'm like, they're not even blowing it anywhere. Yes, it's silly.

Silly. If you got the broom out there, you don't need the blower, just sweep. Just sweep it up, you're fucking all assholes, but it was fun, it was fun to let loose a little. Yeah, up in an elevated perch as well. I know, but now I've given away my position. That's true. That's true.

But what are they gonna hit you with an egg? Well, I think New York, it's like... No one even thinks about it again. Right. They're just like, ah, some skinny asshole yelled at me. Well, it's funny, dude, he's always here, like you watch coming to America, and they're all in Queens, like, hey, shut up down there.

You're like, ah, it's just a New York thing, and then cut to, here you are in in Queens yelling at a guy outside of building exactly. I felt like I felt like Lamata I'm like your mother's an animal Very similar, but fun fact about Jake Lamata. I met him once and Tough guy. I mean just punch drunk to shit. He kept saying the same sentence over he goes I've fought sugar Ray so many times. I got diabetes. And he goes, hey, that's pretty good.

And then about eight minutes later, he's, you're like, so what are you having for breakfast? I fought Sugar Ray so many times I got diabetes. He's like, I probably forgot he said it. Then about eight minutes later, he said it again, and you're like, this is sad. Yeah, it's almost like they were like, just if you're in trouble, just say this.

Yes, like in waiting for government, just shout out any line. But I guess if you're gonna have one line, at least it's a zinger. That's not bad, sugar, diabetes. Not bad, not bad. Yeah, but then I was like, do you have diabetes?

He's like, I actually do. That's like, oh, that sucks. But he was neighbors with a stand hope, right? Was that right? I believe so. I believe they lived together or bunk beds. Wow. They're neighbors.

At one point Stanhope and old man Lamata were hanging out. What? Well, I guess if Stanhope gets drunk enough, they like even out. You know, they become the same brain level. Yeah. And Lamata did stand up comedy. Oh, that's right. Which is weird.

That's right. Fuck you. And the horse you rode in on well every behind you. They did a when he died. He died. Yeah, he's dead. Yeah, they they looked at his brain and he had more Tissue in his brain like born with it that allowed him to take more punches. He had a thicker skull or something. Oh wow. So it did no one knew, but that's why he could just get the shit kicked out of. He was like a special case. Oh no kidding. Yeah, about that. Wow. That away, Jake. There you go. Yeah. Pour one out for the old bowl, the Bronx bowl. There you go. He used to throw a penny's at him and they'd make him fight the neighborhood kids and they throw pennies at him. How about that? Yeah. He's from heaven. A bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a bad, a I gotta get back in the gym because I'm writing checks my asshole can't shit

Boy match of your asshole gonna write a check that'd be fun. Yeah We can put the pen right in the hole and and shimmy It's like my left foot sequel I want asshole You ever see my left foot I did Tough one. Yeah, it's not a fun Pop it on and have a nice afternoon. It's a lot not good for a barbecue. No, but uh my left foot sounds like a diabetes movie. That's a good point. You know, you lose it. But I already take a lot of uh, so uh, I had a wacky, wacky weekend went down to Omaha.

Flight's to Omaha, real cut. Yeah, what is that? What's going on with that? You either got to connect eight times, you got to leave at a leaf blowing hours in the morning, it's crazy. And so I had to leave it like eight in the morning, fly straight to home, get there, take a nap,

Omaha, just a real American town. Absolutely. Middle in Nebraska. Somewhere in Middle America. Omaha, get your money back from the start. So I got a couple of cat Dayton beset. Love Dayton. And I open the text.

Uh-oh. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, Dayton, I go, hey, we got any cops, uh, whatever he got. We did Kansas City the next night. And he's like, oh, yeah. Josh Johnson times two, Billy Ray Cyrus times three. It came up to 21.

21. That's a little, that's a lot of cops, right? That's a person for every year. He's been born. Been a lot. That's true. Yeah, he's a little twink of a man. He really is.

I'm not doing this grab his ankles, spread them open and plow them. Ooh, yeah. Right, check his ass, okay, catch. But he opened, he hosted Corbin Lamaster, he middled, and we had a great time. It was one of those symphony halls, though, where they had, you can still smell the instruments, you know, it had like a, they just did Chikowsky

or Wagner or some shit, that I, it had like a they just did Chikowsky or Wagner or some shit that I'm up there like fucking Jews and what's up with Uber? Serial's weird, you know, it just feels weird. It's one of these beautiful dome with a chandelier and you know, they see some sheet music on the floor, you're like, ah, come on. Yeah, we're really clashing down the place. Yes, yes, you know, it's it's poverty on the wall and all these guys. And then it's me like, cleaf time, you know. So you feel weird about it,

but the crowd was fun and we had a great time. It's fun to say horrible things in a nice venue. Absolutely, of course, that's the whole gag. Yeah, what a gig, talking about going to work. I was like on stage, like I'm at work. This is crazy I just made a joke about sphinters. Yeah, it's pretty good. We really came up with something. We really pulled it off Absolutely, you know they have that fraud syndrome or whatever it's called you really feel it in one of those venues You're like what am I doing here? What's that?

Poster that's the one. Yeah, it does feel like, I don't really belong here. How'd I end up here? Yeah, in Pasta sauce. Well, I told you I had that feeling one, years ago in Calgary at the comedy cave, one of the shittiest rooms ever in Shittiest Hotel ever. But I was sitting there looking out the window at one of those marquee things.

It's like Joe Liss tonight and you're like, that's crazy. Yeah. I mean, Calgary, Alberta. How the hell? Why is my name out there? I know. I remember pissing my pants, you know, in eighth grade

and a couple of days ago also. It's all very strange that you just kind of got to go with it and pretend it's normal. I pretend that you don't loathe yourself to the deepest levels. You go, I know, I'm fantastic, thank you. Tell me about it. And then you smash your head against the wall three times.

Tell me, Mom. Tell me, Mom. There you go. Padding. So, uh, go to Omaha. We wait until we get way too banged up. My tour manager's guy, Scott. Scott, he's got leather boots, alligator boots.

What? He opened, I mean, he tour manages for, like, Randy Travis and Travis Tritt, to he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like,

and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like,

and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he's like, and he me a cocktail and he goes I got a set up at a cigar bar after hey we got our own room They're gonna take care of us and I go great. I guess that's what we're doing and we get that we got out of the show

He's tough because he's good at his job, but he's a little too good You know what I mean like we do these meat and greets after where people come by and they shake your hand They get a picture and then they do get the next guy, it's a long line. I'm familiar. And he takes the picture and he goes, you know, it'll be like a guy and a girl and she's like, can I get one with just you? And it's got like one picture. Wow.

And I'm like, no, no, they can, you know, he's like, you get one, we got to move it along, we got to cigar bar to get to. I fucked Kenny Rogers and you's like, oh my God, take it easy, man. So how old is this man? Hey, he's gotta be 81 of these a day. He's up there. The boots is a joke and that's real.

No, it's real. Tight jeans, he always, he winks at you. He's a winker. Wow, a boot guy, Henry Winker. Yeah, he's a boot winker. Yeah, you know these guys. Oh, do I know him? A lot of that.

I was one for a minute. And he does this. Oh, I liked that. Is he from Hawaii? No, I was thinking about incorporating that. Tennessee. I think that's fun. Yeah.

That's like, does it. Chad, well, you do the horns. I don't like the horns so much. Well, this is fun. That's mine, Cunt. Mine, Cunt. But, this looks like Texas to me. Yeah. And, that's mine. Cunt. Mine. Cunt. But let's look like Texas to me. Yeah. And then there's this is like surfer. That means several things in Hawaii.

Oh, really? It means like, hello, welcome. My father's gay and yellow is my favorite color. Something like that. Oh, okay. Well, appreciate deep appreciation gratitude, but also whatever people say hang loose, but it actually has like Hawaiian bullshit Michael J. Fox trying to hold a tea But yeah, I I'll be like hey, how is this the show man really ran great he goes That's it. So I like that see when people do that. I had an uncle that did that growing up He would do that like as a cool car would go by he'd be like like that like a like boss

Oh, interesting. This is more like all good. I got you. Yeah same same same same idea Well cool dude old school country country guy But he hooked us up at the cigar bar we show up and I mean they they really pulled the the red carpet out and then Andy Fiori is at the funny bone. He pops over and we got way too banged up and then it was one of those things where like one waiter would come over and be like we love comedy I'm a twos gay let's do a shot next waiter hey comedy shot and then you're before you know it you're blacked out waking up and to hamptored in sure I love for your he can put him back oh back. Oh, he boosts. He's a big boy. He's got away 380 pounds. He's 58 years old. He's a harass

goal and a respirator. He's got a bed foot diabetes. Yeah, good guy. hilarious guy. And last time I was in Omaha, I was with the old Fiori. Me too. All right. He lives there. Brandly loves Nebraska. He's the one. Him and Johnny Carson. Great album. So, uh, uh, we wake up and we go. I'm with these two guys. Corbin and date and we go. We got a drive to Kansas City. Two and a half out. Not bad. Love that Midwest driving is a different animal. You just it's flat and dry like my wife. Absolutely.

Yeah, straight there, straight shot, then we hit a diner on the way in. And Kansas City, I love that town. Nice city, chiefs. Chiefs, I love that fucking headdress kid too. Headdress kid. You didn't see that kid who wore a full on Indian headdress with the red paint black and red

No, I don't know what this made the rounds fatty. Oh, you saw it He's a small Indian. What's his name little offensive? Hello folks? He went to a chiefs game in full regalia, and he was nine and it was a bad Well, I don't follow that kind of thing anymore. The news got him and they go, Hey, this kid's doing blackface and they just showed him from the side. He's black and red. Yeah, he's nine and he was like, what's blackface, you know, and then they were like, well, okay, that didn't work. You're also being offensive to the chakta and he goes, I am Choctaw. Oh, he's suing them. Oh, it's kidding. SIO UX. Choctaw chip by Scream.

Uh huh. Oh, I'm taking some swings today folks. Mint Choctaw chip. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, he's, uh, he's pushing back. Okay, good for the kid. Is he a parents or what's going on? Is he a orphan?

They own the casino or something. They're full on, uh on Cherokee, Sue. I can't think of another one. Sue S. Minnes, Susie S. Minnes. Oriental. No, what's the, what is Seminole? Oh, the Seminole. They are the state.

FSU. Yeah, they're all in. They own casinos. They do rain dances and the Moccasin. They scalp the tickets. But yeah, so he's gonna be just fine, but the chiefs, the city is great, they got jazz, they got barbecue, we went and got barbecue,

and boy, it's good, it just ruffs you up. Yeah, well, at the older of getting, I feel like a big girl, because Red Meat really gives me the girdles big Gerbal you give me that wet brisket. I'm just yeah Yeah, this this is a girl. It's up Richard Gears S But that was that was bad and then the whole day It's like plus the hangover and then you got to do a show that night

But we did the uptown theater in KC beautiful theater prefer like a run down 1920s theater to a symphony hall any day. Oh, of course those old and then you did the thing the marks brothers were here You know, yes, Truman was alive or whatever bullshit. Yeah, all that shit. So yeah, we had a great time then Landed or woke up in KC hung over went straight to The mother shit. Oh, baby. I love that town. I love that club. I love that man the city everything that Austin booming Okay, so you can't get I mean you get into Texas. You just feel different like man I'm an American. I'm gonna buy a gun Get a bandana hit a Mexican with my truck something. Yeah, I love Austin and boy it gets more

Exciting every day. Yeah, it's down there Rogan's down there Brian Simpson's down there Sagora Hinchcliffe. Yeah, your mom's house mother ship the other ship. Yeah, yeah, it's it's boomin baby and the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the Oh, that's fun. Yeah. So we went to the Mother's Ship Christmas party, this gambling, this crap's going on, this free food, free booze. So, but then you got to protect our parks the next day. So you don't want to get too banged up because you need your mental capabilities. Sure, that's a big show.

So me and Shane are like, all right, let's take it easy. He's on Bud Light 94. Ari, I think took acid. And so I was like, ah, we got out of there about one. It was pretty good. Oh, cast not bad Yeah, then we did protect our parks the next day went way too hard me Shane and Ari were like, you know what? We're I want to Shane's house by the way. It's incredible. I bet he lives in a beautiful neighborhood He's got a pool. He's got Sam talent sleeping in the back when you can fit a Sam talent in your apartment or in your house It's a big house. Wow. Yeah, he's in the guest room. It's four bedrooms. Big TV, the whole thing.

I mean, you go there and you're like, Oh, why am I living the way I live? Why do we live in a shoe box in the most congested expensive city on the planet? And then you go down here and he's in a, he's on an L shape couch in pajamas watching a Pat McAfee yell about something while drinking a coffee. Believe me, I can't wait to get out. I'm thinking about going west. PNW, old gig harbour. I don't know how we'll do the show.

I'll fly in twice a month. Yeah, I'll do zoom. I don't know, something will happen. I gotta get out of here. Yeah. It stinks, the leaf blowing, the traffic, forget about it. It's not great. It's not. It's not a normal way to live

No, it's bad. Why do we have three years ago? You haven't even set foot in the fucking city? I know the city Fuck you in the tailpipe. It's the worst place on earth. I love it bad. It's a hell of a town I did one of the best Best city in the world, but yeah, so Question about it. We go to Shane's house and I go, all right, we better get over to the studio, but it's Christmas. We should dress up. I'll go Elf, Shane's no man,

Rogan Santa, Ari, the big Jew Grinch. I like that. Okay, so they all go, huh, shut up, who cares? It's doing something, that sucks. So I'm like, I know, but we've done 19 of these. Let's mix it up. Absolutely.

So we got a target and they're like, oh, all the people are like, those are the guys. We had all the staff, jizz, it was fun. That's fun. And then we bought a bunch of toys. We bought a bunch of ornaments, Christmas lights. I got a black Santa hat. We got all kinds of stuff.

We got angels and reeds. Does Rogan go to Target too? No. He's never left the studio as he could. It would be a hell of a sight. No, he can't fit in there with those shoulders. But we got all the decorations. We went to the studio.

We decorated the whole thing before he got there. And he showed up. He didn't care. But we had a good time. He's never just there. No! You always wait, you get on time and you're just sitting in the weird office, there's guns and drugs and paraphernalia and a wolf.

And you're just waiting and all of a sudden he never comes in the door. No! He like, rappels in from the ceiling all of a sudden. That's true, he's like, he must've hurt. He feels it off and you're like, oh, Jesus. He goes here. He's in a suit with a machine gun, hanging on a rope ladder. Yeah, you're right, oh, Jesus. He goes here. Yeah, he's in a suit with a machine gun, hanging on a rope ladder.

Yeah, you're right, it's true. He just shows up somewhere. Yeah, I have no idea where he comes from. Well, you know, there's a room for just his cars. No kid. And I don't think we've been back then. I've never seen that. So I think that he's got a Porsche and a Corvette

and a super truck and a Pope mobile and a Batmobile. He's got a little kind of shit. I just always see all the stuff we can't use. He's like, this is my steam room, this is my hot tub, this is my dumbbell set. My samurai sword. This is my, yeah, this is my ammo and, right, this is my weapon.

Yeah. I'm looking at it like, this is gonna be the best day of my life. He's like, nah, come on in here. What's podcasting? I'm gonna kick you out. The crazier's when I showed up once and I went into the wrong room. Cause you know, it's so big and he was buying a handgun.

Like there was just some big country guy. Easy, Andy. It was a big country guy with a giant case and Rogan's like, you know, taking the thing out the ammo part. The sheep, the sheep underwear and doing the whole thing. And he's like, I don't know. It's a good way. What is that clock over there? Is that a 14 millimeter?

And I was like, I'm in the wrong group and I left. Oh, that's great. We went and did the pod and it was a hoot and a holler. Oh, that's fun. I can't wait. Is it out? I said that. I don't, I've never listened to an episode.

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It's day, new year's day. Holy shit, the time just flies. Oh, resolution. Happy New Year. Sorry about last week. We got 17 death threats and called Nazis for not putting on an episode or whatever we can do. Oh, God, I know.

It never ends. Happy New Year, 2024, right? That's the one. It's an election year. Oh, Jesus Christ don't Don't even get me started But that's exciting wow yeah, all right, so that that you know that's it We then we did kill Tony that night. I didn't say one word because I was just like this

Who you are all all three of you are all four of you are we a shame bailed Ari act I pulled his fat ass out of the bathroom. We got into an Uber We went to the mothership kill Tony's been going on for like nine hours. He's texting me like where are you? And I was like hang tight there dickless. We're on the way. I get there at Sam talent holding it down Such a funny guy and he carried the whole thing. Ari shows up gets naked immediately. Crow goes wild. I flick his dick. This will all be edited. I'm sure. And crowds fucking going nuts and then some poor kid. It's first time to a company has to follow that. I'm standing next to naked Ari. So it's talent living there. He was living with talent. Not the black

comic talent. No, there's not much talent in Austin, but And there was he's living with Shane so I don't know if he lives there, but he's there for a while because I saw him at Skegfess he was like I'm without an address right now So I hope he binds an address because I feel like that's only charming for so long that can only be unhealthy Yeah, yeah, well also he has a wife So what's going on with that? But we don't have to get into this guy's private life. I don't know.

I mean, his wife, I think, is very supportive and up for fun. From what I can tell, I only met her once for 30 seconds. She's a great egg and way better looking than you think she would be. Hey, look at that. You want this? Absolutely.

What are you kidding? Just found that in this crack here. All right. The cushion. I'm sure. You know what, I bet it was put on my card already, and I whipped it. Ah, I love to whip a thing. Whip a good.

But I'll try whip a thing. Did we get the old symbol over there? The time stamp? Oh, okay, because I got a cram a bunch in here. Cram it in my ass. Okay, because they kick us out of the studio if we go long, so I gotta keep it moving. Scooter, what's up with me?

I'm gonna use the haircut. All right, putting leaves in the style, oh, let me tell you about this, I had another little scuffle. Skurfuffle or scuffuffle? Skurfuffle. Skurfuffle? Skurfuffle.

What's that from? It's scuff, it's a great question. Curfuffle. Curfuffle? It's not scuffuffle. You're right. Curfuffle. Sounds like a scuffuffle. That's a great question. Curfuffle. Curfuffle? It's not scurfuffle. Oh, you're right. Curfuffle. It sounds like a scurfuffle. That's a value.

I don't think that this is a scurball. Yeah, curfuffle. That's gotta be like a German term for like fucking up the Nazis. Curfuffle. Yes. Get your pants off. You gotta shuffle us.

A British. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds British too. Some kind of commotion, controversy or fuss. Well, I had one of those, all of those. Leaf lower? So my friend Eric is in town.

Love this woman, just a great gal, Derrick's wife, of course, often mentioned on the show, and I just love these people. The whole family, the whole unit, they just bring me joy and meaning and feeling. I can't explain it. Yeah. I might just pack right up, move out there, and just burn it all down so I can be with these folks. I love them. Hell yeah. She came out to be with the baby,

and Derek, I assume, drowned the children a couple of months ago. I have no idea. But she's in town, which is just fun to have someone in town because we got help with the baby, of course, but you just also want to be like, let's go live. Yes. I'll show you this.

I'll take you to the park. I'll go here. We'll go to Bloomingdale's. Wow. And I got a lot of chicken me, you know? I'm like, we'll go to Bloomingdale's. That's fun. We'll try our own glasses and jump in the bed.

Right, you can do it. I'm too sexy montage. You do all that stuff. You get the free samples. I'm half a queer, I think. Apparently, okay, half. I don't know. That's not enough.

I like to gab and stroll and take photos and go see the star and go to FBO Schwartz. Yeah. We call it Girls Day. We go up. Let's lay it up. Yeah. So I love, I love Erica. She came all the way there to take care of the baby, which by the way, I mean, they owe me.

I've put quite a bit of time in with those children out there. Good point. As you all know, I've got there every three weeks and that loves in my life. So she comes, wish the whole family could have come. I'll take what I can get, of course. So I go, let's go to Bloomingdale's Christmas time. It's fun, Santa Claus is there, it's all decorated.

But we have the baby, so I got a drive, because you don't want him to subway just yet. It's RSV and AIDS, and he doesn't have any vaccines. Fuck, don't bother reaching out about the vaccines. I don't give a shit. What RFK said. But. I'm gonna have water this kid.

But anyways, so we drive in, and I gotta find parking, and you think in your mind, you're like, well, drive in, we'll park wherever. I don't care the price, we'll find a garage. Yeah. It's a nightmare. Oh, yeah. You're just like, what do we do in living like this?

I know. This isn't saying. Sarah was already the city because she had a doctor's appointment. So it's me, Eric and the baby, looking for parking. This garage is full, this garage is closed. Gridlock traffic, we're honking. I gotta go all the way over to second Avenue. No.

Second Avenue, I find a garage. I pull in and it's not my garage. I don't know, I'm unfamiliar, and it's just one guy, and I'm not sure what his deal was, or where he was from. He's leaning against the thing like that, he was just like the parking attendant inside felt. It's going to be a problem. Ah, ha, ha.

He was like that, some no accent. He's leaning on the thing, just staring, very antagonistically, staring at the car. So I pull up and it's hard to explain these parking garages to anyone that's not from New York. It doesn't drive in New York. Because you think parking garages, you think a mall with a big stacks of concrete and you just drive around freely in park

where you feel like parking. Yes. That's not what New York garages are like. You know, you know, it's, space is so tight. Sometimes it's an elevator. Sometimes it's one lane now. You just gotta give the keys to somebody and you don't even see where the car goes.

No. And it's just dark and small and weird and nestled in a little thing. So I pull in and there's just cars everywhere. There's nowhere to like pull. There's no arm, gate or anything. Just a man looking antagonistically at me, staring. Oh God, they never help.

So I rolled down the window and I go, hey you guys got space availability? He just goes, nods. No words, no smile, no wave, a single nod. Yeah. Hey, the single nod. Hey, and it's a, well, you're trying to fuck with me. I need a yes or a no.

Exactly. So right now, I'm glad I had a witness with me who was like, this is crazy. So he does the single nod, and I go, okay, so do I just, do I park it or do I leave it with you? Just point, again, just points. Silent, no smile, points. I go up here.

Another single nod. Second single nod. So I go, okay. So I pull up and I'm like, that's crazy, right? Narrow, cuz like, that's insane. Even the baby was like, it's crazy. I pull up and I get out of the car and I go, so just leave it running or third single head nod. And I go, okay, I'll just leave it. You want the key or you just stands there. And then I walk over and next to him, there's a huge sign, big apple pie. I think I took a photo. Big apple pie sign, it says, must give two hour notice

before picking up car. Okay, good to know. So I go, hey, so I gotta give two-hour notice before picking up car. Okay. Good to know. So I go, hey, so I gotta give you two hours notice for my car because we might only be two hours. If I get another nod here, I'm gonna shit blood. Nope, he goes like this. No. Oh, that's worse than the nod. And I go, no, what do you mean?

Like, I don't have to do that. He goes, no, why do you think that? I swear to God, I swear to God. Why do you mean? Like, I don't have to do that. He goes, no, why do you think that? I swear to God, I swear to God. Why do you think that? Right here. And I go, well, and I'm trying not to, this guy obviously has a thing, and I'm trying to be a cool customer.

This isn't the leaf blow which we going on for days. And I'm just, I'm staring at the sign, we're staying between the sign, and clearly he's antagonizing me. Yes, he does. Because he knows I'm looking at the sign. Right. And I go, well, there's a sign that says two hours.

So, and he goes, that's not for you. And I go, all right, sorry about that. And then I start to walk and I turn and I go, have I offended you upset with me? Oh boy. And he goes, why are you asking that? And I go, I don't know. I just feel there's an energy and he goes,

ask yourself why you're asking that. Whoa! And at this moment, I want to go because you're a fucking asshole. Yeah. That's why you're acting unusually asshole-y-o to me. Yes. And I think it's fucking crazy. But we've been looking for parking, we're late.

Right. We want to get out of the car. Every garage is crazy. I never want to hand this man my keys. Yes. So, and to be, even to be like, I'm getting out of here, I'd have to do like an Austin Powers Touring. Oh, you're right.

And then it's just, it's not worth it. So I go, I don't know, you're right. I don't know. And he goes, but seriously, why don't you ask yourself, why you're asking that? And it's like a weird mind game. Like I'm some kind of fucking weird insecure guy. And I'm like, you haven't smiled, you haven't said hello,

you don't answer a fucking question. It's clearly a sign here. You could be like, yeah, we're open, right over there. Yeah. And now someone's gonna ride his job sucks and he's been sick, but this is out of his way antagonistic fucking asshole. Totally.

And he'll ask you, like he's doing some psychology and I was actually proud of myself. I just went, I stopped saying anything. I just waived, I said, you're right. I went, got the stuff and then I just went over, thank you. I got, thank you very much. I appreciate it. Kill him with kindness.

We'll be back and he's like, you'll be back. And I said, I did say, what is, and what is the rate? And he goes, it's a, 40, oh, he goes to $25. And I said, hey, good deal. It goes, no, actually $35, 35. And I said, well, still a good deal. Thank you very much. Wow.

And I appreciate it. Take care, thank you. And then we came back a couple hours later. Same guy, and I did the same, hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it. Great collage. Have a great day. Thank you so much so I was literally like bowing and show like thank you. God bless you

Wait, wait, he get off. I got so many thoughts. Please hit me with all of us. First of all the four. No, this guy's a Nazi is what he is but also I think first they got you by the balls. He knows you need that garage. He knows he's got your keys He could take a dump in that back seat He could scuff that thing up to Helen back. You're never gonna get his name a pigeon could shit on it Yeah, it's a good scratch breed Donron But so they got you by the balls and I think these guys it is a shit gig I guess but like if you take the gig you got to do the gig right

But I think they get so many tourists and questions that they're like, I cannot expel any more energy than I have to, and I'm not defending the guy. But I assume that's what his deal is. Like, I can't do it. But here's the real problem with society, and this is the bigger issue. Mm.

Everyone's entitled, everyone's up their own ass, and they think they don't have to Do anything More than they want to do but they want people to do more than they want for them Right that makes sense. Yes, you know like I'm gonna be a dick and you should all be nice to me though And you're like no, no, you're gonna get what you give out And that's what he's getting from you. You got you got annoyed with him And you called him out and he's like why are you getting away with me? You're the asshole and you're like no no, no, but you are. This you

started it. Well, this is the thing and people like that, people defend people like this, but I'm like, but I've also bumped into 750 other parking garage attendance that go, yeah, just pull it in, leave the keys and come back whenever and don't, oh, yeah, don't worry about that sign. That's for the people that live here. So I got to do whatever you could be. And I talk about this all the time, manners and niceties are not difficult. It's not any more effort. It takes zero more effort for him to just go,

yeah, yeah, just pull it up there. You're all set. Right. I'll take care of it. Now, I'm with you. Take care of a good day. Instead of just staring, nodding, like, and you're being purposefully antagonistic.

You wanna be in a fucking fight. Yeah. And do a thing, because you're a fucking miserable piece of shit asshole. And I hope the fucking garage collapses. It'd be nice. But the only thing you have with these guys or as a Yelp,

you can either not go back, which you're probably never gonna go back with that garage. But all you gotta say is I was at this garage and this fucking guy, but they got you, because they're in Midtown. But all you gotta say is I was at this garage and this fucking guy, but they got you cause they're in Midtown. But the nice thing too is though, you just,

once I realize what he's doing, to not give him the satisfaction is nice. Yes, because he wants me to go, well because I think you're a blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah. And I just go, you're right. Smart. It's on me, I'm crazy.

I'm a wacky dude. I'm a real homo. Goodbye, you're right. Sorry. Yeah, I think you handled it beautifully, but, Crazy I'm a wacky dude. I'm a real homo. Goodbye. You're right. Sorry Yeah, I think you handled it beautifully, but Still frustrating. Well, then I had this one. I got a couple more things I'll never bother you again. So I had another confrontation my third confrontation That's more passive aggressive and subtle and fun. All right. I go to one night. We went to FAO Schwartz We had a big my best friend's wife

and I had a big romantic date night. Yes, yes, lesbians. Because we're going out with two lesbos out in the town. We're going out and Sarah had been podcasting all day with Han again, check out Lady Journey. They're Jamie Leon. That's a little bit good. Good get. So where she's had, she's podcasting all day and we're like, well, we want to go see the tree. Eric is in from out of town. We went to see the tree last year, but it wasn't lit up yet. So she says, I want to go see the tree.

I go, we'll go see the tree. And Sarah comes up and goes, you guys been with the baby all day. I've been podcasting all day. I want to see my child. If we take the baby, you're going to drive the car in, go to this fucking schmucks parking thing. It's crowded at the Christmas tree She goes, why don't you two just go have a nice time show her the tree

I'll catch up with the baby and that way we'll have to lug and all that shit and see you go great We'll go out and this is like her last night in town hell yeah We go down there. We walk all the way down fifth Avenue, which is fun to have a friend in town because you do the touristy New York things Yeah, you never get to you you wouldn't go to Bloomingdale's otherwise. I go quite a bit actually. Yeah, okay, yeah, you gotta get those heels. But I need to put something in my mouth to share. I'm here.

Fifth Avenue in Christmas time, people fly in from all over the world. It would be a disservice to not go enjoy that. Yes. So we walked down and they got the giant Christmas star on 57th and 5th and all burgged off good men and Tiffany's and all that's all decorated with the window fronts and it's fun to see everyone taking But imagine the Swiss cunt meeting the garage cunt. Oh Forget about it. Then they go out in New York is a bunch of assholes

They're like we thought I'd understand you some mean yes, the voices. I don't know what voice this is really It's kind of Indian kind of Jamaican. Yeah, a little German. Um, I don't know voices. I can't do the voices I'm not easy and that easy That's up the You know, wookie. Well, what is that? What is Swiss? That is my wookie. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Or is that German? I think German and Swiss.

They're right next to each other. All right. There you go. So, you know, Italy, Germany, Switzerland, they're all right there. They're all pipes, but it's weird. Is a white people came from cold? Because it was less sun. Hmm. Is that right?

Because black Africa was black. And they get a lot of sun, a lot of shade. So they just adapt into darker pigment. That sounds like something. And then whitey was more north with less sun. The Northman. Yes. And the North women.

Uh, but it feels like if a white guy moved to Africa, when he was a baby, he wouldn't get black. Well, I think it's like evolution. I see. I think it's just different strokes for different folks. I think some, some people are darker than others Yeah, all right, wait the sun. They're all the same spot Well, we all started on Pangaea, right wait a minute. What's Pangaea? That was a that's like the warm jackets

Now that's Patagonia Pangaea was all the countries Mushed and then the big bang or the T-Rex's Switted all up into islands. Oh, yeah, I believe I think it was a comet. I don't know That's the dog from full house. Oh, got it the retriever. Okay. Well, there you go There's your little science history lesson there Neil the grass cleafs. I think we're all a little smarter after that Yeah, you got that right. So what else happens? So we go to FBO Schwartz, you're gonna get some gifts for the kids, you know?

So we go to FBO Schwartz, which is also packed and fun, but you just feel when you got a buddy, you're like, well, whatever. Yeah. You know, it's like, you just go with the crowd and she's a good friend, because I'm just going on and on

about some woman I tried to fuck 10 years ago and how I blew it. Yeah. And she's just going, oh, yeah. You're telling about Sarah. She's picking up stuffed animals. And I'm literally just walking behind this woman being like, and then I tried to finger her in a bus one time

and she didn't have it. And the story goes on for half an hour. I'm a piece of shit. Rosa Parks. It's one of those things afterwards when you go home, you're like, can I just tell my friend a story of 50 minutes of trying to fuck the same woman for 10 years? Yeah, yeah. But you got to feel short so that it of trying to fuck the same woman for 10 years? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you got to feel short so that it's a feast for the senses. So she's getting that story, it's like a podcast. She's literally picking up stuffed animals for her children and I'm like, and then yeah, she blew me, but it was kind of toothy, it was weird. Yeah, yeah, I've been there. Anyways, so then I go, we're downstairs at FBO shorts, which is a beautiful fun toy store, of course.

And then this is where I'm a piece of shit, can't, I'm a bad person. I don't say that this is, this is how my mind works. I think you're similar, but you gotta hold it in. Otherwise, you just be the worst person on earth. But I hear a woman go, that's the infamous piano from the movie, big. Yes.

And everything in my body wants to grab her by the shoulder and go, why infamous? It's not infamous, it's famous. Uh-huh. It would be infamous if he broke his leg on it. It's not infamous? Infamous is famous for something bad. Oh, I didn't know that.

Dylan jurors infamous. Ah. Michael Jordan is famous. I see. Or whatever. But I'm like, it's not an infamous piano. I didn't know that, I'm sorry. It's a famous, right?

I thought infamous just meant super famous. No, infamous means like for something bad. He's infamous for not tipping. Scotty Pippin is infamous for not tipping. It's famous for basketball. I only, ah. Infamous is bad as a negative connotation. In bad.

In bad. Okay. Right, the seven Cs. Yes. I just, I remember in three Amigos, they were like the infamous El Guapo and Steve Martin was like, in famous, in famous. You know, I don't know,

he thought it meant more famous. So I guess I thought that as a kid because I saw what a movie when I was 31. Yeah, no, that's not the best way to learn the language, I guess. I guess so, that comedy movie from the 80s. But he's in famous, because he's a murderer. Right.

There you go. Okay, so it's famous, Piano. Famous, the famous piano. Yeah, it's not an infamous raise, pizza. It's famous, it's famous. It's famous raise. It would be infamous if they actually had pedophiles down there. There you go.

Pizzah gate. But anyways, so then that's not the confrontation. I wanted to have that as a confrontation. Then I'm going on the stairway, spiral staircase, a behind this woman. One step at a time, looking at her phone. One foot, the other foot. Like this. And there's a line of people behind.

It's packed. It's Christmas time. Oh my god. And then I try to look over her phone Maybe she's texting her dead father. Maybe it's whatever Literally scanning photo like that's getting us what do you call that what do you call this scrolling scrolling through her phone her own photos Yeah, hilarious just taking this time on the stairs in a crowded store to flip through photos So I stepped to the step next to her and leaned right in, I went, I wouldn't do that after I got to the bottom of the stairs.

Ooh, boy, who are you? You're like a Batman. You're like Billy the Kid over here, you're Wyatt Earp. I'm Michael Douglas and falling down. You're up there. Yeah, this is wild. You're cleaning up the streets. The problem was she was like, school,

school, school, school, school. She was sweet as her French or whatever. Switzerland. But some of this things you're like, and sure I'm picking on old man and young ladies, but she wasn't Russian. Hello folks, she was slow checkin'. She was checkin'.

She was a photo. She was a public. I don't know what I'm saying, but I'm like, are you serious? And this is, people think of the phones as young people. This is an old lady. I'm like, you're just looking through your photos on the spiral staircase at the toy store crazy That's fucking nuts crazy. It's it's a real problem. I was at Chipotle last week and I had the guy ear pods in

He couldn't not look at TikTok. So you'd be like a chicken Oh, and then they go and then he go oh couldn't not look at TikTok. So you'd be like, uh, chicken. And then they go, and then he go, oh, uh, uh, peppers. And then you're like, just wait till you get to the end. You couldn't, you could not look at a guy fat guy falling down on skates. Where fucked?

I mean, actually, forward that to me. That sounds funny. You got it. I mean, where fucked is this society? I don't know what we're gonna do. AI, gay, I, you know. Well, when they read the thoughts, we're really fucked,

the infamous lady's gonna get it right up the pooper. I mean, oh yeah, if she sees my thoughts. Yeah, yeah, although that could be worse, could be like, that's a hot kid, you know. Right, so I guess the infamous is not even scraper the barrel. Yeah, infamous is nothing, but he's an infamous pedophile All right, we got to wrap up. I know I got some other stuff. I'll get to another day But I'll just say this I gotta talk more about the the foot odor problem

Oh the war the war still going. Oh my god. Is it ever it's a nightmare? I'll tell you all about it next week on January a max girlfriend's birthday Brother listen, tell her I'm thinking about her every day. Yeah. Um. So anyways, we went to FBO shorts. I'll just wrap it up with a big bow from FBO shorts. Buy some stuffed animals.

It's fun. We're in the Christmas spirit. You go through the tree, which is spectacular by the way. Oh, it's breathtaking. You sit under there, you're like, wow. It's lunch. And then we're walking by 30 rock. And you remember under there, you're like, wow. It's lunch. And then we're walking by 30 rock. And you remember, I'm like, I should do the tonight show again.

What am I doing? Oh yeah. I see Michael Cox and he goes, hey, send me a tape. Yeah, me too. And he's thinking, well, it doesn't get the views anymore, but I'm like, who cares? It's fun. You put the seat on, you go do the tonight show.

You talk to Jimmy. Exactly. So I was going, oh yeah, I was on the tonight show. I wanted to fuck this woman like I mentioned. And I said, let's go into some shops down there. We go in the big sign, top of the rock. Welcome to the rock. Yes.

And I go, I gotta tell you, I'd never been to the top of the rock. What? I've been to the eight pound estate building 48 times. I gotta spell what it's cooking. So she goes, well, I'd never been either. And I go, what do you say we go? So we go, all right, and I'm like, maybe it's a long line, what it's cooking. So she goes, well, I'd never been either. And I go, what do you say we go? So we go, all right, we go, and I'm like, maybe it's a long line.

Maybe it's crazy, we go down there. It's the tick me to the top of the rock. We go down, no line, no rating. What? Always a line. No line. I mean, 40 bucks a pop. I go, here's 80 bucks.

Here's to keep the change, you fill the animal. Yeah. We get in there and we're like, this is fun and prop to. Top of the rock very exciting We go in there's a group of six that's entering with us. They're like this is in prompt two We just decided to go we live here and go same story about that. I live here So then you know me. I'm like you. You're like me. We're all gay. I'm a fun guy So I start being a cut up. Yeah, they go, I go, I'm following you guys. They go,

don't follow us. We don't know where we're going. And I go, you know what? You can point. You follow me. Yeah. And I go, all right, folks, welcome here. This is 30 rock. This is still from 1933. Saturday night live began in 1845. We, and I'm doing this. The next kind of couple of them are chuckling. You know, my friend, Eric is dying laughing. She's like, you're crazy. And I'm just being a goofball everyone I see. And we get in line. I'm like, is this the line? Or is this the, I'm pointing at people's shirts and then flicking their nose?

Oh yeah. This goes, and I'm killing. And then this, with my friend at least, they're looking at me like I'm half a crazy. And one of the guys finally after about 10 minutes goes, are you Joe Lists? Oh, you're in. But that sounds fun.

That's no good. What? Now I'm in Paris because I'm just being a card. Oh. I don't want to be a card celebrity. Right. It's point. The analogy is like if you saw Tom Cruise

and he was like holding one to the side of the building and be like, you know, you want to be a cool, Cust, Shane Gillis isn't like juggling at that Yeah, it's fine. Yeah Ah, yeah, I guess you're I guess you got a point cuz now you're the on comic. Oh, he's a comic all the time Exactly he's got the rainbow suspender is going I'm completely humiliated and he's like this is a comedian. They're like he's a comedian I just like a dick and you're rooting for the rest of us,

because that's what everyone thinks we do. And the elevator. Exactly. I'm so humiliated. I was doing the whole thing. I'm like, this is her first, she just got out of prison. It's her first time in the yard. And I was like, I'm gonna propose.

We're gonna get to the top of the rock. I'm gonna fake propose. And she's like, oh my god, don't. Oh yeah, you gotta do it. And then they realize I'm a comic, because just an ass. Well, I always say when I go to Thanksgiving or any event and they go, he's a comic. And I go, well, now I'll never be funny

Exactly. Once you know I'm a comic now it's weird and then everything you say they're like waiting for a punch Yeah, I'm like I really don't like going to the dentist. They're like whoa I'm like black people. Yeah, exactly. I'm like I don't know hot dogs are good meal. Yeah Yeah, I know I know but can I just say side note, I love it. You're crazy from a woman. Oh yeah. That, your crazy is the only thing, the only thing better than that is, you're so bad.

Oh, what a lady says that. It's over. You know you're in. Your friend's wife says you're bad. You're in a weird spot. Well, yeah, maybe the wife. But you know, you're on a hot date or something. You're so bad.

Yeah, bad is good. Bad is nice, but I just gotta say this last thing. Please. We got it on the elevator and they have a new feature. I said, no, I've never been there, but that feels new. The top is glass and then they have like neon lights as you go up to the floor.

So as you go up 67 floors, you can see up the top and then they have these lights. So it feels like a space-off. Like you're just going, it looks like you're traveling through time. Love it. Which that gonna laugh too. I was like, this is like a Kubrick film. And then it got like a little bit of a laugh.

And then I was like, specifically 2001. I just not like any of his other movies. That got a laugh. That felt good. It's that eyes wide shit. And then you get up there and it's a beautiful view. I haven't been up on a building and usually I am, it's on the Empire State Building,

but from 30 Rock, you can see the Empire State Building. Yeah. And it's so fun to have some of this not from New York because you're like, that's the bridge we were on earlier, that's the bridge we were on yesterday. And there's the park, we bought the thing, and then that's this thing. Aerial view. So it was just a beautiful, nice evening,

and you felt like holiday fun. I got in the spirit love it That's great, and it's a beautiful side. I took my parents up there once and it was a treat What a city what a night and what a life happy new year folks Here's the better times in 2024 You got that right. It's a new year. It's a new you. It's a new me. So Live it up enjoy and fuck a resolution. Yeah, you don't need a resolution. I got a lot of dates coming up here in January next week.

And of course, back with the washes into coma, January 11th to the 13th, and Pekipsi, January 19th and 20th. And then don't forget, of course, comedy mothership. The aforementioned February 8th through the 10th and Springfield, Missouri February 22nd through the 24th. Raleigh, good nights, March 14th through the 16th. We're gonna do a PS109 on the 23rd.

Oh, PS109 this Sunday, you're on it, right? You said you were on it, you better be on it. Hey, 998, what's this? 17th. Well, the 7th. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah, I'll be there. Yeah, I think it's the seventh. Yeah, the seventh. I got in the book. And then Pittsburgh improv, March 28th through the 30th,

bunch more dates. Go to punch up live. It's a great site. Great guy. Make sure you do that. Thank you. Hot dog. I am going to be at the beacon theater on January 26th and 27th. We added a show. So come on down New York City. We're going to be at the Grammar C theater. Yeah, so you should. March.

Yeah, I was going to bring it up. March, I think it's March 15th, but I'll look it up right now. Hot to Molly, March 15th. And, uh, yeah, we'll have a hot live up with fun guests and that whole shindig and debacle it'll be great and yeah markdomecomedy.com. It's actually March 5th. The Tuesday March 5th March 5th. Thursday March 5th. Grammacy Theatre will have big guests. Yes. And we're coming back. We've taken all your notes. All your by notes I mean extremely harsh mean criticisms.

And it's, we are bringing the heat. This is the live episode that's gonna change everything. All the insults, I'm gonna fix my teeth for this episode. Oh yeah. Chuck will not be there. He will have killed himself just for you guys. And Mark, it'll just remain his perfect self. We're gonna fuck you guys up on March 5thth at the Grammysink Theater. There you go

Big guys are gonna mic that audience they checkster. Yeah, I mean yeah I just want to I won't trust the Grammysie staff to do it again like they said all right and yeah Check out my podcast fun bearable. It's a fun bearable pod dot com or at fun bearable pod fun stuff Get on that patreon you can't all the patreon get about it i got a buy a house the Pacific Northwest hey you go we're moving out of this down lock stockings even have You're listening watching the music time