Tuesdays with Stories! - #536 How the Flinch Stole Christmas

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

This week on Tuesdays, Mark tries to make a humble purchase but comes across a concealed-carry kook! Joe's warts make an icy return to the show, and he suspects an ex-dentist of dental shenanigans. He heads to a corporate gig with Matt Wayne and eats ... steak (among other things). Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS & get on your way to being your best self. - Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS to get up to 15% off sitewide. - Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code TUESDAYS. New customers can bet just 5 bucks on the NFL action & score 200 instantly in bonus bets.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Yeah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't see. Yeah! Here we go. False start, folks. What is a false start? False start? Well, in football, it's when one guy moves before the ball snaps

I would do that because you're so keyed up, but you just wait and you're gonna be able to get tackled by 300 pound Black man. Well, this is what we were talking about sort of with my uncle with the dirty pants Wait a minute. Remember we were talking about it off sides, which is different than it's like the reverse of false start That's a defense jumps. I tell you the story, my uncle is defense. You've got your mother's things and you've got dirty pants. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Fall Start, now here's the thing. I don't understand.

Maybe someone can call in, email me because you know me. I'm a sports nut. Sure. I'm nuts for sports and come. But there's a whole thing. So Fall Start and football, everyone comes set at the line. Here we go Three point stance and if a guy does this and moves just a little flinch. Yeah penalty fall start five yard. I don't have to go over the line though. Okay, you can flinch

You can jiggle you can wiggle you can twitch you can't jiggle or wiggle in offense if you're set ah But every once in a while they'll change the play and the center. He turns around and goes, what's that? You said, change the play and then the whole defensive line turns, he goes, what are we doing? We're doing a different play. I don't understand why that's not a false start. Right.

And no one's ever explained it to me. And I'm not some, hey, I watch a game here and there. I watch the Super Bowl. I'm watching every game. I'm up the ass. I'm in there. Yeah. Well, I guess going backwards is different watched the Super Bowl. I'm watching every game, I'm up the ass, I'm in there. Yeah, well I guess going backwards is different than that, than lunging. I guess, but it's still, he's moving the,

he's turning around, it's still a flinch, it's more than a flinch. And flinch still Christmas. Yeah. Ha ha ha. A flinch is a flinch, but yeah, I just, I think as a football watcher, I would have to jump over that line.

I would lose it. I couldn't hang out there. Yeah, it's hard to be still. You're gonna get creamed. You're about to get bulldozed. I know. Like a de-Andre or something. Well, in offense, at least you have the advantage. You kind of have an idea when it's happening. Right, right. I suppose.

You know they say in a football game, it's only 18 minutes of game. I heard it was even less than that. Really? I heard it was like 8 to 11 minutes. Whoo! Yeah, that's tough. It's a lot of downtime Still love it, but yeah, it's a lot. You're just a lot of like three second play minute and a half of nothing and to me I being sacked would really ruin my day. Yeah, it's fun to say sacked though. Sacked, sacked, fifth avenue. That means fired in England. That's true. Yeah, sacked. That means teabag to my house.

But yeah, it's like, hey, here we go. I'm the quarterback. I'm going to throw it and then you get tackled. It's one thing when they get tackled. When you get tackled, I feel like I would really, I'd let the whole team down. Well, especially blindsided. You're just like, here we go.

Look at him run. Here it, ah! Oh, yeah. And they're never the biggest guys, too. It's always the hot white guy. Blindsided you're just like here we go look at them run here Oh Yeah, and they're never the biggest guys to it's always the the hot white guy hot white guy, but you're not black quarterbacks now I was I changed. Oh, yeah quarter black big time. Hey, are you I wish Do just just my hair my my great grandma this half Italian my, my, my, it's great grandmother's half Italian. Just my girlfriend. Oh, that's right.

Dixers, big as those sausages. Woo, comedy's fun. What was I watching? What have you been watching? What have you been doing? Excited about the spinal tap thing? I'm nervous about it. They look cool.

It's not going to be the same. I did see the hold-oves. What'd you think? I thought it was well done. I thought there was well done. I thought there was a couple of good lines. It's, it's a tear jerk fest. I didn't jerk at all, no jerk.

I will say the, I don't wanna get too into it with the movie, but the, uh, the lady, the cook. Unredeeming, zero likability. I get it, her, her son died. But that says it make you likable. Well, my thing is she's flawed. I think we have opposite days. She's like flawed. She's like the perfect character.

There's no, she's just like perfect to me. I don't think she said she'd never did anything nice. No, she was nice. I got to carry her up the stairs. Her Sundaeed, I get it. She's making a scene in a party. Well, I also don't understand why she wasn't going to be with her family. Like, the whole thing is they're lonely, they're stuck there, the whole thing, and then they're like, actually, I got a car, I'm gonna take them to Boston.

She's like, great, I have a nice happy family up there in Boston. That's true, my sister's pregnant. You think I might want to be with her? I didn't understand that, and I also felt that she felt very modern to me. Yes. And I just thought the movie wasn't hilarious or touching herself. We did a full podcast on it on Joe and Ron on Tuck movies But yeah, yeah also there's a scene where he's the kids getting chased and he looks at the camera goes

Can you believe it and I thought that ruined everything like I'm all about breaking the fourth wall with a Woody Allen and As soon ye but I Don't know that movie. I was like that was a bad spot for it. I don't remember him looking at the camera Oh, he's he mod is chasing him, but he kids one of these like It was we're everyone everything. Oh, wow. Are we in or we out? That's all I'm saying Yeah, I didn't love it and then people do this sometimes which no offense to these people are you're wonderful people I appreciate your fandom, but they're like New England though your new England

I don't care. I didn't like it. Yeah. I like, you know, there's plenty of things from New England. I don't like. My parents, the whole universe. Feel the same way. Boy, it's hot as shit out, but you're from Louisiana.

I know, but I still hate it. Right. It's still sweating and miserable. Yeah, I don't go ahead and get it, but I didn't love it. I'll tell you, you want to hear about a film. Yeah. This is a film. Two girls won. Get ready for this. I don't know if this is up your anal up your ass because it's long and slow and you got to read it

We'll put it there. It's called the eight mountains eight mountains. It's an Italian language Real gay drama and for the two's gays at home that think I'm a homo well You're branching out. This is getting into pretentious territory. Pretentious. They're making the best films. There's no question about it. It's that there's no pretension. We make bad films here now.

That's myself for sure. Of course. I mean, it's just X-man and X-Women and fucking future kids, whatever it is. Spike kids, dog date, dog day afternoon, I can't keep up. Well, that one was good, but 50 years ago. Yeah. So you got to go European and, uh, European, and this movie

called the eight mountains. Eight? Eight? Eight? Eight? It's about old buddies, like us. Oh, really? Like, equal.

We in the mountains like, uh, broke back? It's similar to broke back, but not as good and not as gay. Uh-oh, that's a problem. So, but it's really something. By the way, you see Jake Gyllenhaal, you boy, my boy, our boy. He's making, re-making roadhouse. No. I saw a trailer and boy, does he look like something else?

I've checked off twice this morning. I love that movie. I mean, you watch it now. It is Schlocky 80s dog poo poo. No, it, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Yeah, I'm not a horror guy. I mean, she's a horror, but I'm not a horror fan. It's not my cup. Tim Dylan killed it, but every preview, I'm like, oh, they're re-making that.

They're re-making that. They're re-making that. You're like, come on. Give me something new, Road House. That's why you gotta go to Europe. Take a spin over to Europe. And this is a hell of a picture. I'll tell you what, it's up in the mountains

and it's the most spectacular Photograph film I've ever seen the mountains the trees the lake it makes you want to just give it all up and go to the mountains Do you ever feel that way? Not really give it up and go somewhere good. I hate rural also eight mountains sounds like a brewery You ever got eight mountains got fucked up there once it my wife. It might be yeah, but all right I'll check out eight mountains. How's that a super woppy, super, do-do Italian? No, no, they're just like,

I don't know, they're like, eh, scuba-daboo-daboo. Okay. I think I'm close to Italian is to Spanish. It's like the same language. Romance and French, they're all very similar. But French is different though, right? French has got that cadence.

They got that a, Jean-Marpelle, Jean-enclove and down, we we. But like Italian and Spanish, it's all the same words. Yeah. Ton, C, Primavera. Right. It's like most of the words are the same.

Yeah, that's true. Ooh, no. And by the way, all masculine feminine. So that could get dicey. Oh boy. We're gonna get some trans words and there's some non-binary adjectives. Yeah, X-C-Dike-C. Just saying, it's a lot to uproot and start over.

Roots. Those are movies. Good band. Yeah, I never listened to them or watched that. I haven't seen either as well. I've met the roots and I still haven't listened to a lick. I know they had the one song that was big. Mmm.

I can't remember. Roots are radical, what was that? I don't know. I confused the gorillas hit and the roots hit. Ah, roots. It's like, because they both came out around the same time, I feel like. I don't know. There's grass roots.

Yeah, that might know. That's in my midnight confession. When I'm telling the world that I love you you got it with Creed Bratton from the office really? in the band wow look it up

give it a go give it a bit grass roots featuring Creed Bratton he's in the band wow this reminds me of the time I dated a girl at that I hated I don't buy it

and she texted me oh I told her that. And then like three days later, she was like, hey, you were right. Uh-huh. And I was like, what do you mean? And she's like, Creed Bretton was in the office. Yeah.

I was like, I wasn't right. I was telling you a thing. It's a fact. I wasn't like, hey, you know what I think? Yeah. Right. Right, right, right. I'm afraid I'm wrong.

I mean, yeah, he's in there. Yeah, he's in there. Oh, wow. What I'm afraid I'm wrong. I mean, yeah, he's in there. Yeah, he's in there, baby. Oh, wow. What a transition to TV. Supposedly he had to, but they did like a karaoke scene in the office and he was started singing and they were like, nah, nah, you got to sound like shit.

Oh. Cause he was like, in my midnight, couldn't fish your horn and they were like, you got to sound like an asshole. Yeah, that's funny. He's too good.

Too good. I wonder if that helped him in the audition because he had to audition for the role. And I wouldn't say he's a famous guy. You wouldn't see him on the street and go, Creed Roots Grass. Well, I think he was probably all drugged up and half retarded from the drugs.

Sure. And that helped the character. Yeah, well, there's a great tune. I don't know one other song they sing, but that song kicked us. Yeah, it does. Great usage in Jackie Brown. Yes.

I'm sure there's another one I can't remember it though. Yeah, call in if you know how to grass roots, but yeah, good time. So I got to throw a nugget at you here. Throw it right up my ass. I bet I'll come. I'm horny as shit. Yeah, you getting laid over there?

We started having sex again. That was exciting, but it's a little awkward because you know, there's a little awkward because you know There's a little one like six inches away. That's hot. So you got a kind of you know, keep it and not to mention You know you charge up first of all we had the vibrator die mid sex a couple weeks ago up in there a couple days ago And then meanwhile I'm talking dirty. Yeah, so I'm like, yeah suck, you know,, but the Kimbae Matumbos cock after the game. You're a little bitch and all of a sudden he goes, boom, boom.

And now we have to spring into like, oh, all right, let's go put that together. And meanwhile, I'm wearing an Alan Iberson jersey called her the Kimbae Matumbos. Sure, sure. So it's traveling. It's still good. And so then we get the baby sleeping. You got to put the baby down and sleep

And make sure he's in like a REM sleep before you start fucking right. I forgot I've been charging the vibrator for six months Yeah, so then he would try to be quiet. She turns it on it's like And the baby shoots up and says his first words and it's you know help me right Wow, I didn't know you had the you had the the pull cord you got the loud one uh... you got the john deer it's not usually that loud but i think when you leave it on the charger for a couple months oh it's juiced it was through the roof it was like Jose Konseca right it's offside it's jumped it went over the scribbage holy shit wow yeah my lady that

vibrator is it takes half the load off you no no pun intended. I want the load on me That's true, but But yeah, I mean you can get that thing going down there and I'm pump it and she gets off I get off in two pumps and we're all Copacetic we're all vibrator. We do not have any sex without a vibrator ever what you get to an age in a place You're like works for you, works for me. Let's do our thing. That's sometimes it's fun to go homage

because you wanna go back to the roots. Yes. You wanna, yeah, you wanna see like, hey, can I still knock this out? But it takes, when you get older, and you got time, things cost time, take time. It's like, what am I gonna do? We've worked my thumb for 45 minutes.

Well, that's the thing. It does take longer, and we got places to be folks. We got a patreon. I got a patreon join that patreon We're just doing full regular half hour episodes last couple months ratings are through the roots the sky rock And one message people are really enjoying it or person no more that must-quee Horses, everybody hate it. of that we're just doing straight up 30 minute episodes that's what the people want am I right call in text in email and happy to want to add something they already did they

answered your thing yeah we love it it was I told you last week what I will listen to me but that's okay but do it but this is the thing this is where Chuck has gone astray uh-oh gone astray he, what do you call it? You, uh, you pulled the people that are already on the Patreon. Yes. We got to scoop up the people that are on the Patreon. And they say, hey, we're in here watching TV. They go, I don't want to watch them watch TV. They want a half hour podcast. And that's what they're getting. That's twice as spicy.

That's what we're giving it. The best way to vote for that is to sign up for the Patreon today. Yeah! That's how you vote. That's how you vote, baby! Make it your New Year's resolution. Yeah. Why some things you like and you'll love this because it's a wild cyclone of banter. You like the podcast? There's more podcast. You got that right, Fanny. And Musqueef TV, which rules HotGay sets.

Love it. It's insane. We're going to record a few new ones. Live apps, movies we watch. I mean, you name it. Celebrities, stars, St. Gillis, Nicky Glazer. You get it. Yep.

So what were you going to say? You started saying something. So I went out with the wife. We go on a hot date, and I bought a Christmas tree. You got to have the tree love the tree A big tree guy bought the tree a week ago, and I never got the stand Yeah, so I had I had the tree just leaning up on the on the windowsill So I felt like I did my part but without the stand. It's it's it's a limp dick

No, you need the stand. You need the water in the stand. Yeah, I got to do that too. At your bottom, are you self? You didn't go as a couple? Well, she was out of town and I was trying to bring her, I'm gonna have it home when she got there. Oh, that's no good. You got to go together. Well, we got to stand together. We stand together on this. Now, that's funny. That's a good thing. Okay. That's a bit. Well, it couldn't stand up without us getting that stand. So... The idea of you going to get a tree while your wife is out of town, and then together you go shopping for a stand.

That is my idea of comedy. There you go. All right, stand by me. So we go out for a couple of drinks and dinner. We're having a nice night looking at each other's eyes, a little footsie under the table. I'm vibrating her. And then we go, you know what's eyes a little footsie under the table. I'm vibrating her and then we go You know what and this was great about the city and what's horoscope the city I go hey, it's

130 in the morning 1 a.m. Let's go get a tree stand. It's still open sure. Oh absolutely all day six Avenue We go over there and by the way in the village village, Sixth Avenue, one of the morning, the cooks are aplenty. No, that's cook central now. Loud and hardic, it is horrendous over there. Lousy with cooks, so I go up to the tree, you know, they're gonna all lean it up on the wall there.

There's a little hut, you've seen these tree stands. The cook of the tree. The tree, the tree place. I wish they were all lined up against the wall getting arrested No, I'm all down. Hey, that's him talking not me. That's joking. All right put them in the river, but So we go up to the tree area, you know the guys out there. It's a little guy He's got to be 800 years old. He's like a little gnome. Oh, yeah, yeah, so This little gnome I go. Hey buddy. We're just, so this little gnome, I go, hey buddy, we're just looking for a tree stand.

He goes, come here, come here, come here. You gotta help me. And I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, the craze he's around tonight, I'm not safe here. And I'm like, this guy's got suspenders on. He's about this tall. And he's literally 75, gotta be.

Oh my god, because this is like a cash business. Cash business. At least like a hundred fifty bucks. I look in his little hut, there's some guy just like doing this with money, counting money, wads of cash. I was like, what's going on there? He's like, he's all right, he's all right,

but this is not safe, not safe. And I'm like, maybe she get out of here. Like, it's one thirty in the morning. I don't know, sir, what do you do? We're just gonna buy a stand and get out of your way. He goes, don't worry, I'm packing. What? This guy's got a gun? He shows me a gun in his back Come out. I swear to God and Manhattan man, Manhattan

That's what I'm saying. Yes, the Christmas tree place is open, but poor old What's that what the Kebler elf? Oh, yeah, this Kebler elf has got a fucking glock on him I mean the juxtaposition of the beautiful Christmas time, buying a tree, holiday spirit, with a fucking eight millimeter. That's insane. Insane. So I'm like, telling the lady, like, let's get the stand, get the hell out of here, this guy's on his own.

He's packing. I mean, it's concealed carrying legal here. I think that's not legal. I don't think it is, but. You can pinch them. This is life and death here. I didn't want to grinch him. I get it. I mean, it's crazy down there, and like you said, it's cash, but you sell 15 Christmas trees.

That's, you got 2,000 bucks in your pocket. Exactly. These things ain't cheap. They're at least... The little ones are 60, the big ones are who the fuck knows. Yeah, it's nuts. So, uh, let me just get the stand to go. I said, 20 bucks, I'll give you two 15, but just don't leave me. And I was like, you got it. Gave him the 15. By the way, let me just get the stand to go. It's 20 bucks. I'll give you to 15, but just don't leave me. And I was like, you got it.

Gave him the 15. By the way, I'm like doing this with money. You got all that spot pay in your wallet, you know? Sure. So I don't want to give him a 20, because then he's got to make change. Now we got cash flying all over the place. Oh, and now are they around?

They're around. You hear them? They're scooching around? They're scooching. They're scurting. They're jumping in trees. They're coming out of manholes. So I go, all right, here you go. I found three fives in my wallet.

Peel on it up, one, two, three. I turn around, cook out of a zombie era. I mean, this is like a bubbling lips, crazy nails, nutty hair with leaves in it. And he's like, hey man, hey man, he's doing the thing thing we want to shake your hand. Yeah. Like, yeah, open wounds, open sores bubbling up. Scabby. You can't shake the hand.

Yeah, scabby Hoffman. And I go, Hey, give me one of these, but then he goes, what's your problem? And we're like this. And I had, I just, you know, when you make that moment in your, your head, where you're like, this is going to happen. This is going down. This is trouble. Yeah. This is it. I got the fight or flight. The wife's like, ah, she's hiding over here and I'm like, hey buddy, don't want any trouble. Just trying to buy a Christmas tan. This guy is packing and he goes, you think I give a fuck? If he's packing and I was like, well here, take some change.

Put some change in his hand and he throws it down. Oh, this is a word. We're on baby. Oh my God. This is about to be jingle all the way. I'm looking around. I'm like, all right, I got an axe over here. I got this little guy.

I'll throw him. I'll hit the wife. I got a buzz saw. Whatever it is. I want a Honda cut cut in my pants. Hello folks. Well, this was Kwanza, because this guy was angry.

And I was like, all right, buddy, what do you want? He goes, I want you to suck my dick. Come on, I'm like, hey, hey, watch the language there. This is Christmas time. We got an elf here, relax. And I grab the wife. And the other guy goes, hey, buddy, leave Malone. And he was like, what's your problem?

And we got the hell out of there. Oh my god. I mean that would be the time for the cat. I Think I didn't hear a pop pop, but it was warranted Oh, oh This guy got a he got an early gift. I mean that is horrifying. That's my worst nightmare big guy looming over the looming The eye contact those yellow eyes going like I want you to suck my dick And he threw the change on the ground. I mean this was it. I mean this guy's a real grinch Oh That should be the grinch. They should remake it with Jim Carrey with you know leaves and shit in hair in his head

Blackface, yeah, and it just really Yeah, it got ugly now. I was like this is it. It's going down So he might have gotten a pop in the leg. I haven't seen him since. That was a couple of days ago. I think that would actually be a good idea for like a really, real, gritty horror movie, like a realistic movie where it's just like, you're just in the name of it that goes bad.

And it's just a lot of people like on fentanyl, it's just terrorizing you. Yeah, because that's actually real. Those are always the scariest movies. You know, you get some supernatural thing where a guy's like, I'm half beetle. Or whatever, you're like, ah, whatever. But give me some, just, just get some fretics. Yeah, exactly. You'll go, no, half beetle.

That was a stretch, I don't like it. I liked it. I wouldn't even, is she a beetle? Well, she was there. That's true. You know. You ever watch that documentary? Which one? I've watched a few. Well, 50 documentaries about this goddamn band. Well, the Apple thing where they just They just put a camera on him and let him roll while they're at training or practice They bring in Yoko you can see the whole band's like here we go There's that one. There's the McCartney with Rick Rubin There's the Beatles anthology. There's like 50 things I know that was around for six years people like the Beatles

I mean apparently it changed the game only to it for four years. I love the Beatles. I like the Beatles people like them A lot of films about the Beatles people hey Yoko Yoko man That's a classic with a Chuck Berry. Oh, that's amazing. Oh my god. We've all been there We've all been cut pretty good by an Asian lady and Oh my God, we've all been there. We've all been cut pretty good by an Asian lady and had a famous singer not respect us. You ever see the old photos of the Dakota building? Yes.

There's literally nothing there. I know, it's crazy. It's crazy to see. Like the whole upper west side was built around that. Really? Yeah, pull up, can you pull up an image of the Dakota 1890? And why see the Dakota? Oh, 1890, well now I were going way back.

But that's how old it was. It's a huge building looks exactly like it does now. Yeah, but no other building. It's the most bizarre thing you've ever seen. Right. It's not a farm. The upper west side is like a farm. Wow, that's crazy. It's fucking nuts. It's pretty crazy. Yeah. Oh, can you flip it around so the markets can see? Please. I don't know if you can be able to see it. The computers plugged in. I believe it.

No, that's it. Oh, that's the skyscraper behind it. Yeah. No, give us the old OG 1890. Give us an old photo. This is on the Wikipedia for the Dakota. Okay. We'll go all the Google image.

South Dakota. Ah, this is bad radio. Sorry, I'll pull it up after. Well, you ever driving through a year on the road and you're like, all right, I'm going from Kansas City to Oklahoma City And it's all flat. You're like, you know, but at some point this will be booming. It's all coming. Maybe I don't know. I mean, that's how everything's starting watching all West movie And it's just like the saloon and the podiatry, but there's a lot of flat out there. Oh tell that to my ex

Flat Earther. But yeah, no, you're right. But I think eventually there's enough land and the overpopulated, we're gonna have to grow out. Yeah. There it is, that's the photo. Is that wild? That's wild.

That's the little ball, nothing there. Why would you build one rando and then nothing else? I think they were starting to build it up and then the rumor was that it was called the Dakota because it was so far they're like that's the Dakota. That's not true. It's an old wives tale. I hate the wives.

I did a deep dive the other day but that is something else that building. The most you don't know that Dakota is a apartment building. Yes. But famous residential building in America. Rosemary's baby. Rosemary's baby. Which I always talk about. It's so crazy.

The guy, they jump off the roof. She dies on the sidewalk. Right, we're letting it get shot just a few years later. Who? In the movie. Oh. And then 12 years later, he's shot right there. Crazy.

Crazy. Amazing. It's wild. You go out there. If you walk by the Dakota, there's a guy in a top hat. He's open in the gate. The big, gothic black iron gate. And it's, there's a little guy in a hut. He's opening the gate, the big, gothic black iron gate, and it's, there's a little guy in a hut.

It's old school. Yeah, you gotta see it. If you come to New York, go to the Dakota, it's spectacular, and I'd love to get in there to see it all. I know. Yeah. You wanna walk around, you wanna place there?

Yeah, what, that rent's gotta be. Give a, give a Dakota rent. I found it. I think Yoko, at one point, was paying 15,000 a month. There's, what a silly thing to do. I found it. I think Yoko at one point was paying 15,000 a month. There's Silly thing to do Fucking Yoko who had the bit was it bur that had the bit about Don't have the bit about that's how like exclusive New York Apart when you call real estate is this woman's husband was shot 14 times directly in front of her

She's like I'll stay here. No, that's stick it. Yeah, somebody had that bit. Maybe wasn't burr. That's great. Somebody had the bit. Lauren the call lived there. And I think Madonna lived there for a minute and Dustin Hoffman and my sister's ass. Boy, Madonna, she really got laid. She banged everybody. She was so hot and now she's so sexy.

Fucking weird. I know. She's a ghoul. I might go see, I got this, I mean, throw this at you. Please hit me, Fett. So I love Madonna. Big Madonna. Really? go say I got this now. Let me throw this at you. Please hit me, Fett. So I love Madonna, big Madonna. Really? Well, 80s, 90s Madonna.

I love true blue bit. You keep on pushing my love. Sing a song. Sing a song to the borderline. Yeah. Yeah. Lucky Star rules, material girl rules,

and living on a prayer. Oh, yeah. Living on a prayer. Like a prayer. Living on a prayer. Oh, yeah, like a prayer like a prayer. I'm doing it. Yeah, yeah That songs K, but it's fun. Yeah, Jovial. I love live like a prayer like a prayer. Oh It'll take you there. Oh Rules vote to me. Yeah, she's so fucking hot like a wedding dress. I mean she is the fucking well She's got a odd look, but it works. She's got that super woppy daygo face Oh, fucking hot like a bird to the wedding dress. I mean, she is the fucking dress.

She's got a odd look, but it works. She's got that super woppy, dago face. Yeah. Her real name's like a calzone pizza ria or something. From Detroit, I think. That's right. Yeah. She's something.

So I'm getting Sarah tickets to see her. Oh, wow. But we got no help. I want to go to the show. Oh wow. But we got no help. I want to go to the show. Oh, right. So now I got to be like, well, I guess you just go with V-Han or something. Yeah, yeah.

And now I got to sit at home while my wife is scoop booping around with the true blue. Yeah, well, I can't imagine what those prices were. It's not that crazy, because I think she's like an old bag of shit. She's a big gargoyle. It's not that crazy. Really? Yeah, because to everything's Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift. Don't give a fuck about Madonna. That's right. That's what Madonna is. Wow, poor lady. Who Madonna? Yeah, but I'm sure. I think she's held onto some cash.

Okay, I hope so. But I'm sure it's the Garden. Oh yeah. Okay, so she's still filled with another. She's filled with another. Yeah, but I think that's it too. She's doing a lot of shows. So I think, I mean, it's the garden. Oh yeah, okay, so she's doing a lot of the gardens. Yeah, but I think that's it to she's doing a lot of shows So I think I mean it's not cheap, but it ain't 800 bucks a tick wow, okay, well good for the Madonna Yeah, maybe you could take Sarah if you're interested because I got to stay at home with this goddamn babe

Hey, I'm in I'd love to take her Yeah, wow Madonna, I mean she's gonna wither away soon. She's got to be 98. I think she's 65 years old. Isn't that great? Isn't it weird to think Madonna is like my dad's age. Madonna and my dad were the same age. That's that's somewhat sexy.

It's really funky. That's wild. Tuesday's story's brought to you by Better Help, baby. You guys all know we love therapy, no matter what, 2SAY STORIES BROUGHT YOU BY BETTER HELP, MAYBE! You guys all know we love therapy no matter what, you're going through family stuff relationship work. Therapy is a great way to connect with yourself, celebrate your strengths and talk through your problems. Better help makes it so easy, it's online therapy you can do whatever and wherever is convenient

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You remember, Christmas vacation where he goes to the mall and is at hot brunette and she lifts up her skirt. Of course. You know who that is? Pull this up there for eyes. I don't find that woman that attractive. Oh. She's not as attractive as Beverly DeAngelo.

I like him both, but I hate her. Sure, but that lift. So who is that thine? That thai scene was like, I was like, I was off sides. I was losing it. So she's Nicolette Scorsese. That's his daughter. I believe it's his daughter. But what? Here's the crazier part. What? She's 70 today. That makes sense. I mean, it became about 89, so that's 35 years ago. Yeah, so she was probably what? 30?

35. Yeah, you go. Wow, she looked younger. Yeah, but when you look closer, face is a little not horrible, but it's not. It's a little wonky. Beverly DiAngelo is so fucking hot.

Sexy lady, I love that milk. What I love about that scene too, and Matt Wayne, I gotta give credit where credit is gay. Sure. He pointed it out first that like, you see the sun who's in all the TV shows now. The Christmas vacation.

He's in, he was in Rosanne, he was in, what's the one, Chuck, you must call him. Oh, is that him? Yeah, he's in. Big bang. Big bang, yeah. Yeah, never put that together. Yeah, so he's in what's the one Chuck you must oh is that him yeah, he's in big bang big bang. Yeah Never put that together. Yeah, so he's that but he does the thing when he sees his dad He's like oh he doesn't get an eye roll like there's my dad like so Clark is just a poo-nound I guess so first all the movies. He's like trying to get laid. He's with some hot bitch

Yeah, but I mean he's driving in the car and that from the first vacation and you know the lady's like I guess you're right. He does be by the pool. Yeah, the kid vacation and you know the lady's like, I guess you're ready. He does beat her by the pool. Yeah. The kid is like, oh, here's my dad. Right. This is crazy. I mean, that's one of the funniest scenes.

I don't know what the question is. Yeah, I guess you're right. So Clark is like a real cool dad. Hormoll. Yeah, and he's my hero. I'm thinking of a father of the bride where he pulls up next to that smoke show and he goes. He points to the ring. Right, right. And I remember my high school girlfriend of the time was he pulls up next to that smoke show and he goes. He points to the ring and I remember my high school girlfriend time was like that's so sweet.

Good time she died eventually but yeah you can't see the right line can you rust I said Ryan I'm like Donna Chang over here. Easy Yoko so wait is she I'm sure you deleted it already but is she related to the scores? daughter Yes, can we go to do on her did a birth January 6, 1954? She is older than my father so in the eighties she was probably 30ish 54 so she would have been 30 5 to 35 I thought she was 21 in that movie. Yeah, 35 and 35 Wow, because you know Mrs. Robinson was 38 right So it's just close because she looks so young

Yeah, she's 35 and it was 35 years ago. That's seven days ago. It was a birthday two days ago What's the relation to the to the Marty? Yeah, I think it's daughter Half man half party because one of the articles was like, whatever happened to Martin Scorsese's daughter. Yeah, I did. Actually, wait a minute. I thought I just saw that. What's going on?

It's a real mystery. Well, I'm a mystery mobile. On IMDB, the trivia says, no relation to Martin Scorsese. Mmm, that'll buy it. Isn't that weird? Well, no, he would have been too young to have a kid. If she had four and 54, he doesn't have a kid.

He was quite the flanderer and co-kid. No, he would have been like 10 years old. I'm gonna look at him. Oh yeah. They're like almost the same age. He's like 80, he would have been 12. Good point. Yeah.

I take it all back, but I thought they could be cousins or nieces or something. Oh, I guess not. I found another one, another thing that says she's not. Okay, his kids would have been born like the late 70s. Yeah, maybe that's right. She had a woppy look. I figured they were together or related. Yeah, Beverly, D'Angelo though. My goodness. That is my cup of tea. Not this one. No. I mean, I got it. And you see her cans in the first one I know with the black Nylony-tits shirt like this And she's so pretty and fine and she can sing and she's hilarious

She did a playboy I believe Boooo! What? Oh my god Colin! Ship that to me First one to send that to me I'll send them a picture of my wife's asshole on Christmas

Alright, give it a googog Chuck, we gotta find this. But I want the physical copy. I'm not gonna let him see my wife's asshole for a, for a, for a, for a, for a, for a, for a, we find that. A steady image. Well, I did, I did look up Martin Scorsese's children just to double tech and she's not really too.

Okay, all right, we're gonna run it up. Damn it. I assume movies, same name, Italian, no, no dice. I figured he got her in. So, what else, what else we got? We got some stories, I got stories, I got something. I got one more that I'd, that's only you would understand. I can't wait.

All right. So I had the, you remember the, I've been thinking a lot about your garage guy, the, the nodder. Oh my god, forget about it. Yeah. So the nodder oh my god forget about it yeah so the nod couple but I I got in a cab you know me I'm hustling around trying to get places these cabbies you think with Uber sniffing up their asshole they'd be a little nicer no they've gotten worse they've gotten worse because they're better their ass

all is they will not take you to Queens. Yeah, even white guys with glasses are just like no queens. What? Yeah illegal? Absolutely. You can get that door closed. It's illegal. Yeah. Um, I learned that from Sally Field and punchline I'm not even with the door open. It's illegal. Oh, okay. I believe well. There you go. It sucks for the UPS guy That door is always open, but I get in the cab and I go, hey, 23rd and Broadway. Nothing, I'm like, just making sure you got it because I have to get there. And he's like, no response.

And I go, can you hear me? I was like, maybe it's a glass issue with the partition. No response. And I'm like, sir, can you give me a response? And now I'm getting annoyed. Nothing. And eventually we're, I guess we're heading the right way. And I'm like, fuck this guy, I hate this guy. I asked him one more thing, no response.

I'm like up on the glass, it's bad, it's like a prison thing where I'm like Jim Carey with the nipple. Oh, Billy. Yeah. So eventually I'm like, all right, well, fuck this guy, I go to my phone, whatever. He won't even give me an acknowledgement, not a nod, not a tee-hee, nothing. Have you started moving yet? We're moving and I'm assuming he's going to 28th and Broadway. Nice.

I'm way uptown, but all right, whatever. So nothing, just give me an acknowledgement, but whatever. And you know, we're insecure, I need validation, so I'm like, I've been visible, I'm nothing, I'm meaningless I've been visible I'm nothing I'm meaningless you know I'm a speck of dust and no one care whatever so it's all compounding and then eventually we're driving a bike guy cuts right in front of us I mean we would have killed this guy we were going you know 40 this guy was just and he ran a light and just and he goes I hit the glass. I mean it was a crazy stop and he goes Holy shit that was insane. Did you see that whoa look who comes around I

Ice him yeah I got him back. He's like kill cutting him. I got him back is I don't give a shit I got ice in the veins he He goes, can you believe it? Whoa, we almost killed that guy. That was wild. Oh my God. Wow, what's good for the goose is good for the cabbie. Exactly.

Suck it, death cab for cutie. Eat my ass. We had a four, 14 minute ride, didn't say a word. He kept trying. That was wild. I mean, we would have killed that guy that guy would have died Nothing good for you. See how you like it. I'm going over next time. Yeah come stayin No, they stink yellow cabs are bad and the lips, but I have to say I'm just a few things

I'm very more grateful for than that we live right here in the big apple where lift drivers don't say shit I do love that because you go to where was I that Oh Portland Oregon every single driver how you doing what brings you to Portland why you fucking me and the ass and Do you do the thing where I look up on the dash and I go all right 16 minutes? Oh, of course I can do this I can do this It is I cannot describe the level of anxiety I have I know Why is that I don't know I don't know it's just because it's not it's a meaning it would be more fun if it was like What do you think about abortion? Yes or something? I don't know It's just and then you don't want to reveal that you're a comic oh my god have you ever seen DL?

Ugly or you forget about it it but you go into this lie spiral they're like what are you doing here and I'm like a wedding and I like oh who got married Nicolette Scorsese oh Where was the wedding at the press peterian on 14th really I thought they please burn down now they rebuilt it Go and lower and lower into this bullshit story. It's horrible. And I don't mind a nice way, which is, oh yeah, Joe, beautiful weather. Okay, I think that's what it is because you don't know

when it's gonna end. That's what it is. And I'm like that at the barber too. I like just a Zen quiet haircut. Same one. Let me just look at my face, hate myself, and get out of here. That's all I want. Yeah, but they're not knowing when it's gonna end.

If somebody went, it was like the chess match, whoop, they hit that shot clock, you're like, all right, I'll do six minutes. Well, that's the thing too, is I think part of it is you're afraid, you don't know your boundaries, you're afraid to get into a weird space. Sure. Where you just go, yeah, but you know, December's warm,

because the climate change, and he's like, climate change, you piece of shit, or whatever it is. That's a whole nother bag of hammer. Or you say, I don't know, you know, men and women, or men and women, and you think, well, if it's 70 ails, smooth, smooth, smooth, smooth.

Yeah, right, yeah, two genders. That's it, and then you gotta jump out of the car. I know, I know, it's brutal, but and then for the record, I don't wanna come off, like, we're, I hate talking to people. You know, we're very personable. Extremely personal. I've got people in my house all day every day.

It's the meaningless meandering. It's work. It is work. Like, oh, is that right? There was nothing here. It was all flat. Yeah, when I was a kid, this was all flat. And you're like, how about that?

And you're like, this is hard for me. I'm pulling shit out of my ass here. Well, and also sometimes, too, is, I got things to do myself. So now it's like, I'm gonna, I gotta respond to these three texts or send an email. And now I can't because of this. Oh, my wife is going, hey, my asshole's bleeding

because of that thing you fed me. And I gotta go, oh yeah, yeah, sorry. Yes, Sears was a great store. Right, whatever. But now I'm coming off as a cunt because I'm like, hey, this fucking cab he won't acknowledge me. And then I'm in the Uber like, hey,

why is this guy chit-chat? But that's different because the acknowledgment, this is pleasantries. There's a difference between, that's like manners. Manors. Hey, I gotta go to 23rd and Broadway. You gotta come in right up. I gotta take care, thank you. Done and done. And when I leave. Hey, I gotta go to 23rd and Broadway. You got it coming right up. I'm gonna take it.

Thank you. Done and done. And when I leave a lift, I go, oh my God, thanks so much. Appreciate it. Have a good night. Yada yada. Yeah, I do the same.

I go five stars. And I'm not saying they're assholes for talk. Are they very nice people in Porto? No, no, no. I just prefer New York City. Yeah, and nothing better than when they're on the phone. Oh. Cause then you didn't even feel awkward. Yeah. Cause they also, they're on the phone. Oh. Cause then you just don't even feel awkward.

Yeah. Cause they also, they're on the phone for 28 hours at a time. And so every once in a while, they're just be like, it's gonna be a little bit of boo. Well, then we're gonna be able to be able to be able to. The weird thing about the phone call on the Uber is the, I feel like the other guy's never talking. It's just the driver.

He's like, and then I went this way and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's all in some other language, but I'm like, what is the other guy doing just like, oh yeah. You got that right, right? I feel like I always's all in some other language, but I'm like, what is the other guy doing just like, oh yeah, you got that right, right? I feel like I always have the opposite experience. I feel like the guy's just listening to his wife, clamoron back in Bangladesh. Sure.

And then, Shaffee, and he's just every once in a while, like, I know. That's my experience, because then I'm always like this. What's that? Oh yeah. And you're like, oh great, carry on. That's the other problem with the noise canceling, is you're like, because then I'm always like this. What's that? And he's like, oh yeah. And you're like, oh great, can't wait. That's the other problem with the noise canceling, is you're like, I think I heard something.

And you don't want to be rude, so you do that. And you're like, I got to pause the old Sam Harris. I know, exactly. The noise cancel, give it and take it away. Because sometimes you get in, we're talking about what's it called again, our Uber answer. Oh, great car. That was a great car.

Noise canceling. Some of the best ever. What's up guys? There's the thing too with these air pods. If you have them in your hand clothes, it thinks it's in the ear. Yeah. So I'll take one out and close it and all of a sudden it cancels this ear. So true.

And I'm like the driver at the beautiful lines woman. Right. Right. Yeah. It does cancel out of you ever put on your D and you're like, Oh, it's going again. Yes. Yes. Here. Yes. Exactly. It's a little funky. It's a little funky. Now, here's what's interesting about the the wife of mine is she's a she's a she's a she loses thing. She's one of these misplacers. Uh-huh. And so you get her the headphones.

She's got one, but not the other. She lost the case, but she's got the phone, but the bud, but the moop, but the bud, and she goes, I want the wire. I was just, is it Bill Hagen, same way? Really? Yes. I go, the wire is constrictive, it gets caught on the, the dildo or whatever, and you're like, well, fuck the wire, she likes the show, the wire. Yeah, I don't like the show, and I't like the product because- I'm with you.

I don't get it and I would, I'm a big rock out guy. I put music on, I'm jumping around, air guitar. So I would always rip it out of my ears violently. Yeah, same. Cause I'd be like, Oh, shit, I just ripped the fucking thing out of there. It's a real cock block. Yes, and it hurts.

But it rips. Yeah, so I just had, he's got wires over there. No, what do you got? That's like a horseshoe. Yeah, it's like horseshoe. Horse shit. It goes in your neck, and so I feel like I lose the ear buds too, so I'd rather have this.

Yeah, okay. Helps. That's not bad. Those collars are funny. Practically, but I don't think my lady would want to wear like a, well it goes into your shirt. I kind of put it under my shirt. Ah, there you go.

I'll have to shirt myself. Also, he don't want to be the guy with the fucking big old Boz like all the Boz guys. Yeah, he looks like fucking Marvel Albert coming up the street exactly Tiesto over here with the one earbud on him, but I'm like, I don't know you got a trench coat on with a hoodie and the buds are the the big Beats by Dredo Dredo, I don't know if he's losing thing people

Rana, he leaves his doors like a apartment door open because he loses his keys A jar? No, unlocked Unlocked I thought it opened to me in multiple things That's true But yeah, he's like, yeah, he just loses my keys

so my door is open so anytime you want to go in there I'm like, that's insane That's crazy I'm not a loser of things including my virginity I'm still a gay there and I'm like, that's insane. That's crazy. I'm not a loser of things, including my virginity. I'm still a gay. That's what me, card. But I'm with you, but if I lose something, I'm wrecked. I'm devastated.

Well, I have this, I mean, Sarah's had to console me because I, whatever reason, I think it was built into me as a kid from my parents, lose it. If I lose something, I am a human piece of shit. Same. You're like, you fucking piece of shit because we bought that, we don't have any money and now we gotta buy another thing,

we spent all this money, we drove all the way to fucking seers, you piece of shit, scumbag. I take it as a personal insult to myself. On the same way. Fucking scumbag. Yes, and it just, it's your head something, and then for no good reason, it's gone. And it's existing somewhere. Yes, and it just, it's just you had something, and then for no good reason, it's gone. And it's existing somewhere.

Yes, and you can't call it. It's making me, it makes me fucking crazy. Fucking crazy, I'm so with you, and you just feel like a 10-year-old again, you're like, oh, I can't be responsible for anything, I'm a mess, I lose things, I stake, but then you get this guy. I got a friend, He loses stuff all the time He'll lose his laptop. He's like, I left my laptop on the plane. I'm like, oh my god

I'm so sorry. He's like I'm gonna do and I got insurance or whatever you like He's like I'll just re upload it from the cloud. I'm like what a world if I lose a laptop. I'm moving to Kuwait and I'm starting a life where I milk cows. Remember that time Greg Stone lost his laptop? And then we all pitched in. Me and Anthony DeVito, heroes, virtue signal. We were like, let's get him a new laptop. We had everybody pitch in, all those buddies, Bob and he's wrapped up, found the laptop.

So then you're kinda like, what's going on? Yeah, that's like, it feels like a curb. But I think you needed his new laptop whatever that was years ago. But let me get to this. Oh, sorry. This happened a day. I had a to this I got multiple things over here nothing crazy a little update on the foot odor problem I got the warts don't forget. Oh, I know about the Hogwarts a little nervous

Like Sarah's like can I get the warts in the shower and I'm like I think it's soap Soap water. I don't think so. Yeah. Yeah, all Yeah, well, maybe she throw a flip-flop on in there. No, I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, flip-flop on your own shower is a mind-fuck. Yeah, that feels a little crazy. But so I had to go back and now what's happening is the wart is coming to the surface, supposedly. So now it's more and more sensitive.

And I go in there and I'm like, you gotta fix this problem, I'm crazy, I'm dying. So my doctor, the hot doctor, she's like, all right. Let's get down to business here. Can we see this? I'm gonna show you that. I'm not gonna show that. All right, I feel like people would pay top dollar

to see that, can't you? It doesn't look like much. Okay. I think you're picturing like a nipple sticking out. I am. I've got a hair out of it and a claw. No. It's not, people think it's like that. It's like a bubble boy.

It's not like that. It's just a little dark spot, but I told my asshole, I told the doctor, I said, this is crazy. I gotta get rid of this thing. And I like going to the doctor because it's in a beautiful office. And she's a beautiful lady, very nice. And everyone's very friendly there.

So she's like, all right, let's really get to this. Now, the one that's up here under the toe, that don't bother me at all, because I don't step on it. The weight is not on the toe. Exactly. And so that one, she's like, this looks good. This is very superficial,

which I don't understand what that means, exactly in that context. Superficial meaning it's all about the aesthetic. It's not actually painful. It just looks bad. It's not actually ruining your... Oh, is that right? Yeah. Okay, well, so she blasts, so she's like, but the other one's like, she's like, that's looks bad. It's not actually ruining your- Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Okay, well, so she blasts, so she's like, but the other one's like, she's like, that's still bad, so she's like, let's just get in there and rock and roll. Yeah. So she got that can of mace. Oh, the freezer. It's the freezer.

It just gets in there and it's like, and I got like a stress ball and I'm dicking my dick and my wow going Really, I mean, it's like really on fire wow and then she goes okay You're also they do it three times on each thing And it's a real blaster and it's like bleeding and purple and shit is she in there with a ice pick or what no pick just a fucking can of Spray wow, it's like spray pants like oh No pick, just a fucking can of spray. Wow. It's like spray pants, like.

Oh, really? Yeah. Man, so you know what it's like probably to have frostbite. Oh, yeah. A little bit. She's just giving me frostbite and boy, does it hurt? And I think the women are like giggling. I think they like, you know, really shoving a heel up a guy's ass.

Sure. Now, I wonder if some of this is tapping into your say, no masochist, put me in a wig and put a high heel up my ass and call me Philippe well I don't like pain though I do want to walk around and heels and blow a catch sure Hey, who doesn't yeah, yeah, that's pretty standard right right, right? Oh, you know a pair of panties and, you know, a ballgag. But no, I mean, it's like bleeding stuff. And then they finish, it does feel sexual. Cause they're like, all right, take care.

We'll see you in three weeks. I believe, and I'm grimacing, and I got the band-aids on. And then every step is like, ah, ah, ah. And it's, you know, it's Christmas time. I like to be out, walking around. So I was just limping around like a fat asshole. And you feel for these people that are just fat, broken, sprained, feet, and legs.

Tough life. But did you get it? Did they remove the work? No, it's still there. It's still, and it was better. So it was a different kind of pain. It was a burn pain for a while, but now it's back to pebble in your foot.

Yeah, pebble. Like, I think we're getting closer. Okay, now another psychological question for you. Do you think, this is, you ever heard of that? What is that thing where you go to the doctor because you want the attention? What is that called? Munch house.

Munch house. Yeah. Maybe you like, hey, look at these people are worried about me, they're helping me. It's your love language. No, no, it's a war, I'll show you. I know, but you said I like going to the doctor, you went for the root canal 12 times.

Well, that, I hate it. I mean, that, I was suicidal during that, I was the worst time in my life, and I really got ruck there, by the way. Yeah, that's what they do over there. They really do, I went to a new dentist, and they're like, I got a cleaning, it was three days ago. They were like, what's with all these root canals? Yeah. And I was like, I don't know, I think I had a bad dentist, they were like, I got a cleaning, it was three days ago. They were like, what's with all these root canals?

Yeah. And I was like, I don't know. I think I had a bad dentist. They were like, yeah. Like they're kind of like Jesus. And that same dentist, he told me I had like two cavities on these teeth. I've got, I've gotten four cleanies at this new place.

No mention of any cavity. Whoa. And they had a thing they're like, right on the back of this tooth, you got a little thing here that could become a cavity I could fill it but it's up to you, but no this is good She's like it's up to you. She's like I we can put a little thing that'll help Okay, that will become a cab if you're not careful right? She's like I wouldn't worry about it unless if you're worried about it We can do it which that's what you want right the other guy was like whoop

We need seven root canals and none of those teeth hurt Three root canals and none of those teeth hurt Oh Three root canals and teeth that weren't bothering me because I got root cuz you trust the doctor Well the dentist is the mechanic of the body Absolutely cuz he can lie you need a new Johnson rod. This is bad You'll never run again your car is gonna break down in the middle of the highway Or you're gonna fucking lose a tooth on Christmas Eve. That's exactly right and I just saw it run on the other day We podcasted he's like I got to get a deep cleaning,

not just a clean about deep cleaning. I know why. And he was like, I went to the dentist. They told me I needed deep cleaning. And it's exactly the Johnson Rob. Exactly. They just look, whoa, you need a $500 cleaning. Yes.

The $300 cleaning is not going to do. And it's like a side fell bit. I'm like, why wouldn't you do the best cleaning? Of course. There's levels of cleaning. Yeah, you got to get the gold package. Exactly. Yeah, it's silly.

It's just first class tickets. It's like you say with the zoning. It's just another way to make a couple of claims. It's horseshit. So anyways, I'll show you after. It's a red blood blister looking thing. And it's a, it's, it's, it's, it's genuinely the worst physical nightmare.

I never thought to do it. And I told you, you go to Equinox, everybody's walking around barefoot. So I'm like, I should go around, handing out flyers saying stop doing that. Yeah, you gotta get the flops. This ringworm, is it? That's not ringworm.

No, that's different. I've had that too. Really? Yeah, back in my buddies were all wrestling in high school. Ah, is it a worm? I don't think it's actually a worm. I think it's a, Vyret bacteria.

Vyret bacteria. But it's a ring. It was itchy as fuck. Yeah, we were at it. What is it all do? It just goes away. You take some shit, or put some shit on there.

You go from wrestling. And my best buddy was a wrestler. And in high school, you're always wrestling with each other. Oh, you're rough, hasn't. Headlocks all day. Yeah, yeah. It was just like, it's so weird.

We'd be like one-on-one in a bedroom, just like doing like a Tarantino fight. It's like that scene in reservoir where they like knocking the chair over in the office You just did that. No, I'm not taking lamps I'm gonna tell her where she's the whole night and then every now and then it would go too far And you one guy lot and he's like oh You know and you're like dude up serious get off me Yes, it's always that one guy who got pushed to the limit?

And back then, the fat guy was like the biggest advantage. Oh, yeah. He could've simply just the way I like. Sit on the jet, but I would just grab that roll sometimes and just give it a, ahhhh! And stress ball and he would jump off me. I like killer Kowalski, was that the guy that did that?

There was some wrestling in the 80s or 70s that was like, that was his thing. Oh, really? It was George the animal steel some asshole. I don't know. Yeah, but yeah, a lot of wrestling, a lot of ringworms. See, I hooked up with a gallon college and she was a soccer player. Good looking lady. Oh, I love soccer.

But soccer women. Yes. Let's be real here. But let's, I don't want to speak out of school, but she, she was sweaty all the time. Oh, so she gave me jacket sweaty all the time. Ooh. So she gave me a jock-itch. Which is fine. I had that too.

But it never, ever since she gave it to me, it was like a seal was broken, and I would get it like once a year now. Oh, yeah, that's one of those things that's like cancer. Yeah, it increases your chance of it coming back. Exactly, but you think you'd be immune. Like, alright, I had my jock-itch, but it ain't like chickenpox. No. It kept coming back, Jerry. Yeah, that sucks, but I had it recently,

along with the foot odor thing. And you had it recently? Yeah, big jockey. A big jockey. Oh yeah, big. I had to go get some creams and some other creams. It does work, cream corn. Cream is good.

Cream spinach. Cream the banned cream. Oh yeah. Yeah. Coffee and drink. Ginger virus. Yeah. Coffee. Ginger Baker. Ginger Vitas. Oh, so, I mean, I had this corporate gig, which you did before. I've done it, everybody.

The Wilkesbury, it's a famous gig with the high Follutan high society. It's like an Elk Slodge or a Stone Cutter's club. There it is. I don't know. I would bleep that. All right, beep that. But Wilkesbury High Follute and Club, the people are gonna be looking up.

It's only one there, yeah. Yeah, maybe, but yeah, bleep that. It's in an old mansion, it's like haunted, it's a lot of wood and all those old, what do you call those like portraits of just old white guys who had a slave. Yeah, it feels like where the president's actually elected. Yes.

Everyone smokes cigars. Yes. So I had the gig, Verzy, last year, because he texted me. He's like, one of the guys texted me that you ate shit. And you were just shit. But did you eat shit or was it okay? I, well, it was pretty straight. I ate, I don't care about my feelings, just hit me.

I ate with them. I, I, I succumb. I, they said, we wanna eat with you. And I said, okay, they had me in a headlock. They gave me ringworm. We told jokes. And I got, I think I did about an hour or 45. The first 10 I was cooking,

making fun of Roy and Bobby and silly Willie. And then after that, I think he died. I didn't see silly. He's done. But after that, it was just, like I went into material and they hated it, and then you start getting political, like what's up, racism's bad, and they're like, pooo, screw this guy.

So they hated me by the end of it, and I drove home drunk. That was... I really did, I got banged up and got out of there in a rental car. It was rough. So first of all, you got the gig, and it's like,

it pays a handsome buck. Nice purse. And it's a Tuesday. Yeah, exactly. By the way, speaking of purse, nobody knows this word, which is weird to me, but I'm a sports guy again, but I looked up Rocky. We talked about Rocky on the movie podcast.

He got $150,000. I looked it up. That's the equivalent of $850,000 today. Hey. That's a nice fucking fee. I, I, I'm purse of interest. Yeah, I mean, that was pretty good. You can buy a purse with that.

Chanel. I was thinking, Whoa. That's the go-to, what do you got, Chanel Gucci maybe? No, there's Gucci, there's Jibbo. Coach. There's Coachbag.

That's a big one. Versace. Ah, yes. That's a big one. Versace. Ah, yes. That's good. I did go to Blue Nails once and they told me I found out that Chanel is the number one top most exclusive and a Nazi, I believe. I believe she blew Nazis. I don't think she was.

Well, she was a sympathizer. Well, Burr had that joke. He's like, you know those shoes you see, the pile of shoes in the Holocaust Museum? She blew the guy that did that. That was So any parts so you got the gig it's a Tuesday gig and it's a nice handsome chunk of money on a Tuesday Not too shabby lunch purse now it was a bummer because my friend Erica was in town This is her last night in town. Is there a worst feeling that you got one of your good buds in town? And then their last night there, oh, I got a gig out of town. Yeah, that's tough. So then you're just like, oh, the whole time you're like, I could be hanging and jibbing and javin and, technically, you will be back that night, but it'll be late. It'll be too late. Her flight

was at 4 a.m. and whatever the fuck you go. You know what I never considered, I should talk with this off here, I guess, but when you fly east, I'm always talking about how when you work the road from the west, you fly east, you're losing, you gotta leave at 4 a.m. to make it in time for the show. Totally. But Mona's pointed out, you get that day back on the way back.

Ah. You fly to Cleveland to L.A. You leave Cleveland at 8 a.m. You land at 10 a.m. That's true. You get the day. You get the day if you live.m. That's true. You get the day. You get the day if you live in LA. You don't get the day.

No, no. We lose the day coming back the other way. But it is nice that you're like, well, you come back, you got a full Sunday. Sure, sure. Because the Sunday is more valuable than the Thursday. You got that right, Fetty. So there you go.

But anyways, so I got the gig, I'm bummed. And I got, now did you bring an opener? I did not. Yeah, I brought, I was like, I always want a, I'm bummed. And I get, now did you bring an opener? I did not. Yeah, I brought, I was like, I always want a buddy with me. Sure. So I get Matt Wayne, I go, hey, we're going to Wilkesbury, they say that's fine. And they did the thing with it, like,

you can eat dinner with the boys. And I went, no, I don't think so. I gave in. Well, I got the baby now. So you go, hey, I'd love to eat nothing I want to do more than eat dinner with seven wealthy strangers. Baby's big But I got this baby. Yeah, I would kill to get to know a bunch of guys and tuxes the living Western, Pennsylvania But our demo damn this fucking

Toddler, huh? Fucking up my life. So we head out there, you know, it takes nine and a half hours to get out of the fucking city. Oh, you got that right. It's a nightmare. You're driving, driving, drive, I drive all night. Get there and it's a big mansion on a hill. Oh, yeah. It's a spring steam tune.

It's wild. And you go in there and it just smells like cigar. So right away, I'm like, this gig rules, I'm with Matt Wayne, I'm getting paid and asked load of money, it smells like cigars, and I and I go right away I'm like, can I smoke in here? Oh, you better believe it. They go, you can smoke in here. They come over there and lay a nice fucking David off cigar on me.

Oh, dove. And I fire that up, there's Christmas trees and like you said, murals and paintings and wood floors. Oh yeah. A lot of history. And I'm like, this is gonna fucking be amazing. Sure. They bring out a fucking 17 ounce or a 50 ounce steak, whatever ounce, what's a good ounce of steak?

40? Uh, 40 ounces of freedom. I don't know. Something. It was sublime. 16 ounce. 16 ounce? That's a tall boy. Yeah, and then a mashed potato and aparagus

and I got a cigar and one hand, a piece of meat and the other hand. Oh, yeah. And my cock and the other hand. Sure, that's a lot of hands. Handsome. So we do that. And now cock in the other hand. Sure, that's a lot of hands. Handsome. So we do that. And now all the tuxy guys are eating down the hall. We haven't even peaked in there. I'm like, this gig is amazing. Right, tux. So they go, all right, we're going to start about 10 minutes and a bunch of guys come in. They all look like they've assassinated someone. Sure.

And then we go, all right, well, what's about time? We better check out the room. We go down there. We look, it literally looks like the smoking room into Titanic. Oh yeah. It's like all men in tuxes, mostly fat, summer 150 years old. Oh, yeah, a lot of white hair. It's how the other half lives. And every single person has a cigar. Yes.

By the way, it's Wilkesbury. I feel like you and I could team up and buy the building. Probably at the good point. I think they pay like 80 bucks a month or something. Yeah, and what is it? Two and a half hours out, two hours out? I think two and a half no traffic. Okay.

But it was seven days with traffic. Sure. That was like Oregon Trail out there. So we get out there, we look in, it's packed and it's round tables, the worst thing in the history of comedy. Got that right. Because half the people have their back to you.

And everyone's smoking, there's four women. There's 150 men and four women Yeah, and the women have duct tape over their mouths good old days So I look everyone's talking everyone's drinking everyone's eating ice cream and I turned a mat and I was like I'm not trying to be funny you are about to eat fucking shit And he's like oh, I mean he knew I was but I was like, I'm not even trying to be funny. Like, you are going to, this is gonna be horrible. You got it. And I'm really sorry and I'm grateful to you.

And he's like, we'll see, all right. Yeah, I don't know. And then they don't, I appreciate the gig. Very nice man. Everyone was so outrageously nice. I ate a fucking $200 steak and spent $100 with cigars. They do it every year. Wait, how much time is he doing?

I still like 10 minutes. Okay, perfect. So he goes up and there's noars. They do it every year. Wait, how much time is he doing? I still like 10 minutes. Okay, perfect. So he goes up and there's no internet. And this is my bad. I should have been like, hey, I'm gonna go up there and let him know I brought somebody to open and he's great and hilarious. I got the video I sent it to.

Yeah. He walks up there 100% of people are talking. So he kind of did like, because Stan's are walking into monks with the Dunkin' Maya episode. He's like doing a little thing. And he's like, hello. And he's like, this is the entertainment portion.

Nobody stops talking. Yeah. It's just smoke and I wish it was a mirror. And he just takes a hot one, does his best. And by the way, I'm like in the back, howling laughing. Some of the best bits I've ever heard he's got new stuff. I haven't heard Did you get anything are they at least given one of these like no that's back to the conversation Maybe that

Mostly just eating ice and they're handing out ice cubes So it's a thing clink clink clink and people are just having full conversation Yeah, he is just talking to people that are also talking to each other. Why do they want the entertainment? They're having a blast to alone with the ice cream. This is what I said. They need like a sannarcher in press.

Yes, a crooner. Like a someday when I'm awfully low. I mean, just do that. Or maybe they need, I think Jared Freed did the gig. Yeah, because he's big and he kind of dresses the part. Yeah, yeah, because he's he's big and and and he kind of dresses the part. Yeah, he looks like a like a wasp. Sure. Sure. Even though he's a big Jew. Yeah. That's right. But yeah, you got to go in there and you got a bulldozer, you know, but we we just we just tell jokes. So he's, you know, I'm like Georgia saying cut it. He comes

off and a valiant effort, again, great jokes, but just an impossible situation. So I had that thing of like, all right. Now they're gonna see, they're gonna go, okay, here's the guy. This is the show. I go up there and just, shh.

Just a flight 93 right into the ground. Just nothing. I mean, I'm bombing and there's one guy that hasn't turned around. There's one table of people that like, I heard me on Rogan. They were like, hey Rogan, we know the thing. Okay. And they were okay, but boy, it was tough sledding. Wow.

Did you get a zing in? Hey, big head. Hey, ugly guy. I did a couple, the crowdwork did the best, shitting on the room. I got some good laughs doing that. Okay. And one point I already had a cigar, and then some other guy was like,

hey, get another cigar. Guy gets on stage in the middle of my performance and just puts the cigar in my mouth, like fucking Roger Ramitz, gets into my mouth, lights it. This is a middle of the show. I'm just standing there with a big guy in a tux, lighting my cigar for me.

That's gotta be party, like, well, this will kill two minutes. Yeah, and then I'm like, okay, yeah, it's exactly stamp here, let me get in your shoulders, we'll sing together. Oh, blow ya. He goes back to his seat,

and now Bill Cosby, I'm smoking cigars and raping women. Sure. And should we bleep that? Is that okay? I'm just kidding, I didn't raping women. There you go. Neither did he.

Just kidding again. So I'm up there smoking a cigar, eating shit, and the cigar keeps going out because I'm talking. I can't smoke. And then the guy comes back up on stage again. He's like, hey, you got to get lit up here. And now you got a reoccurring gag at least. I got a gag and I was gagging.

And then afterwards, you're supposed to meet and greet. We talked to a few guys. They told us about how Pat Cooper came in the show. And he died there. Sure. It's one of those shows, too, where every single person is like, that was great.

I was loving it. They were old and stupid. And then I did a thing where I was like, I was like, fucking blues brothers. I was like, I gotta sign the check. Yeah. Left my pen in the car. I'll be right back.

And then we just, ah. Oh yeah. Took off and then Matt Wayne took a couple of free cocktails. So he was half in the bag when we were driving back and we really just had a good crooner session back, singing, dancing, laughing about the whole thing. Let's see, what a guy's had a few and you're sober. He could really belt it.

Oh, he was belted it out and we were, yeah, had a great time and got back at two in the morning or whatever. Yeah, but it was one of those ones where you feel the pain. Oh for sure Sweating we had to wear suits too. Oh You sweating through that dress shirt. Yeah, your back is soaked. I've been there I left out of that gig like the the pizza guy in home alone like I rolled over a jockey I peeled out I hit the fence. I was out of there. No, we were porn sweat two suits Spolten suits Fran dress shirt and

Ripped out of there not a great story against great. Yeah, appreciate the gig. Let me know if you need Rex for next year There you go. I assume there's a plaque of me up there. Oh, yeah, never again Well, I think in that one instance an opener is always better you get the opener He does the dirty work, he eats shit. You come up, you get to be the hero. There, they have such a short attention span, I think get in, get out. I legitimately, people were like walking out,

just chuck, because they were like, oh, I don't know, I guess we don't like this. But they're not paying attention. Right, right. But I should have gone up and been like, we got a comedy show, this is gonna be awesome, made a couple jokes. This is my buddy Matt, he's one of the best. But that's one of the art forms where

you need a reaction. Whereas a singer, you can just have the guy there like a fucking jukebox. Right. We need the validation. We need the the feedback. It was rough, but I'll do it again next year if you need me to. Hey, you go. Good money. We all felt good about it. Speaking of gigs and life and love this weekend, I will be in to actually right now as I'm talking. I am in Tacoma, Washington. Um, I'm at Tacoma comedy club this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, next weekend, Poke Pse. Oh, that left it up. That's a good time. And then February 8th is the 10th Austin comedy mother ship hell yeah, and then I think I also have Raleigh coming up Springfield Missouri coming up also in February and then a big one May 2nd

Far to the Netflix special I'm up against Nate Bargazzi Sebastian Manesco that whole oh god Which sold out in 10 minutes and they out of the show they had a show yeah, that's a big that one They're fucking me everyone's going to that well 2nd, and my show's in Skin Row. Not exactly an easy situation. I'm literally on Skin Row competing against Nate Sebastian Burr and Gapagand and Seinfeld. Well, maybe you go out to the tent village, just hey fellas, I got some fentanyl in here

then close the door. Just hand him each 40 bucks and say give that to the box office so I sold the tickets. Here, here. But May 2nd, come on out to his gaze. I love LA, you know the box office. I sold the tickets here here, but I may second come on out to his Gays. I love L.A. You know I love L.A. And yeah, come to that and check out YouTube. A bunch of shit on YouTube. You know all this stuff. Yeah, punch up live. All that. That's the future, baby. Oh, yeah. That guy Danny knows the stuff. Does he ever? All right. I'm a Tampa Phoenix

and We're all over the place and get on the Patreon, check it out. We're about to do another fun bonus of just a good, old, extra pot. What do you... What do you guys want? Yes. Toot toot! That's a big joint, Cheech. Yeah.

What do you got there? Choo-choo. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. I'm not sure what we're coming out with at this point in time, but funbearablepod.com or at Funbearablepod online. We have a lot of fun. Oh, and we got a live app. Tickets available in March.

Oh, yeah, March. Six. Fifth. Fifth. March fifth, my aunt Guddy's birthday. There you go. At the Grammar C. Yes.

At the Grammar C theater. Pack it out. We got plenty of runway folks. That's gonna be big. Thank you. We'll see you down. Copy.