Tuesdays with Stories! - #537 The Gringo Ate Your Baby

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

We're tearing it up folks!Joe stands up to a wayward pedestrian! Then Joe stands up to a kooky Chipotle employee - before getting one-upped by a fiery cohort! Mark barely gets to Mexico with his sombrero intact, deals with a little of Montezuma's revenge on the trip, and ends up in a world of micro Mexican middle-weights! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com, promo code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great, good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard! And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss! Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. I can't choose why. Ha! Happy New Year! Here we go, the lawyers back, we're a little nervous, we just had Chipotle. What's cooking? I forgot, he's been gone for like six months. I, you shouldn't have mentioned it for God. We had a good

We didn't know how good we had it and then Yeli McGee comes back and now or I should say old Yeller, but Good name for a really old Chinese guy, but Yeah, we're back. We're here. We're queer. How the hell are you fatty? You got a son? I'm doing good Yeah, the son will come out tomorrow bet you you bottom dollar. Don't let your son go down on me. What was that noise? What were you doing? You're racing. Oh, oh, you're making Donald Duckie. Oh, oh, that was the eraser. All right. Eraser head. That was a movie. Yeah. I think that's David Lynch, right?

Yeah, flat top. Yeah. And then there's also Hellraiser. I confused a racer head and Hellraiser because they were both like... racer. Right. And there was like a head thing. And the speed racer and Eraser was an Arnold Schwarzenegger joint.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, Eraser. I think with Vanessa Williams. Vanessa, is that right? Yeah eraser. I think with Vanessa Williams Vanessa Williams the singer Yeah, you go and save the oh and her brother is crazy. I kill it. That's right. Yeah, how about that boy We just did a real IMDB facial there. Oh, yeah a buccacchi of of erasing boy. It's good to see it's good to be back My life is just different. I'll say so it's good to see it's good to be back my life is just different I'll say so it's good to be out and up and back into the left

back into the left Newman's second appearance. I was just yeah, his the first one was the old Asshole the jacket one of those seconds his second. Was the back of the left JFK, which Jerry said was his favorite episode. Of all time. That's what he said. Wow, the Keith Hernandez. The Keith Hernandez, yeah.

There's some great moments in that. This is Graham not driving to the airport. Yeah, there's some some dude. What's Elaine, Elaine dates him. Elaine's going out with him. You don't know the first thing about getting the second base. Yeah. So all that stuff.

Jerry's jealous of everybody. And then Kramer Newman, yeah. What's funny is he's my Keith. I'm always like, I get textum, nervous. What do I say? How do I advance the relationship? This is, I'm going through that with him. Interesting.

Now you got to be careful because I was with one Mike Vekkyo last night. He was out with Bargazza near Zeeve and he's like, he took several calls from Jerry. Oh! Jerry and Nate are having dinner. They're on phone calls. You're out. You're out, Nate's in.

Boy, he really slow-played me on that, because he kept bugging me. How'd hell much talk to Jerry? Does he like texting? Does he prefer call? God! Oh, this is Nate. He used your intel to get in.

Yeah! He fucked my wife right in front of me. Wow, that's tough. I would love to do that. But yeah, I mean, I could be a rage. That's tough. Well, the old switcheroo, a play a little badminton or whatever we were doing.

And then pickleball. Pickleball. We got to get back the pickleball. Let's do some pick. Now, I need a sitter. Ah, Girkin. A sitter. Pickle.

I don't like Girkin. I thought that was a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy.

I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy.

I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm not a for me. I get on that rowing machine, 42nd sand, I'm like, this sucks. Well, when some about running or rowing, any of those monotonous things,

you just start thinking, evil shit. Well, at the gym, because I run on the street. That's all the time. I'm a big runner, but. There's optics there, there's things to look at. Exactly, I love a run, and it's my favorite thing to do of course But at the gym on a treadmill. I can't just watch Ted Coppel while I'm fucking jogging. No or Todd Gurken

They both suck. Yeah similar haircuts. I assume that couple hair was really something else nightline I can't do a couple but Brad Williams is a mean couple Bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap b a panic attack. Why is that? Just because when we were kids, it would be like North Korea is about to bomb your tits off. Oh, that's true. Well, now you don't even get the tick, tick, tick. Now it's just in your asshole. You go, you open your phone and you're like, Tokyo playing on fire. Like, good lord, that's quite a Korean barbecue. I know, I hate it.

They need a Tokyo drift. Drift. Yeah. Does that make sense? Would that put a fire out? A drift? I don't know about a drift. A drift is one word, too. Yeah. Does that make sense? Would that put a fire out? Drift? I don't know about a drift. A drift is one word too.

Oh, is that right? Yeah, we're a drift. It's like a breast. You could have a drift. And what is a drift? I'm not a drift. You brought up a drift. I'm not familiar with a drift.

I know what a drift is. Drift is to drift over something. Like the ocean, like a smooth drift. That's what I'm saying. That's a drift is. Drift is to drift over something, like the ocean, like a smooth drift. That's what we're saying, that's a drift. That's a drift. Cause a drift means you're floating, you're a drift. You're meaning there's no, that's, are we saying the same thing?

I think they're similar. With no space in it, it's the action, you're in the action of a drift. But then you go that car. Is a drift? Is a drift. It's kind of like a jar. Yes. The jar. The jar. The jar. The boat is a drift. There you go. I think it's a verb versus an adjective.

It's drifting. And then you are a drift. You are a drift. We're going to drift. You're going to a process of drifting. Because then there's drafting also. You can do draft a player and then you draft behind a race car. That's true. Draft and drift. We don't adraft. No, this is gonna cause a rift You go to a draft draft beer Speaking of draft beer. I want to throw a shout out. I got to do a quick shout out

That's how to alcohol what's going on to Article 15 in Rockland Brewery Where we're doing the Uncle the uncle dale whole book fire department show and a book thirteen which is come up sometime twelve years running oh more than twelve years it's gotta be epstein age fifteen years and people that do it blow up here's some of the past that's what had tim dillard

wow they bargained never heard of a stavros alchist uh... he's fed dan soda and big head me And teeth I mean that's the pretty bad. I don't get me wrong. We've also had ball Odo Brendan Sagalo Chris Allen One and only black guy

One done after that Their Massachusetts fireman they can't be dealing with multiple African-Americans. No, no. But I mean, how wild is that? Have people done the show or fly in private? Even the Dalmatian is it all black. But yeah, you're right. Yeah, Nate's talking to Jerry apparently. Big time.

I think they talked about you. Yeah, it wasn't bad. That's what I heard. Really? Yeah, they just said, I don't know. He keeps calling He debts me. It's awkward. He says Nate. You know how to be friends with the guy you never call back I got news for you both you scum second pigs. I'm coming to that

The Hollywood bull show and I'll be in there hookline and sicker I'll be sitting on the couch and be all over that shuffle board. What do you mean you're gonna be at the Hollywood bull show? That's my night. You're gonna come over to me Yeah, what are you gonna go see sign felled in Nate and Sebastian Manus Galco and Bill Burr? I'll FaceTime you're old. You're old pal. Listaroo is over there. I've seen it What are you doing a lot of that you ever notice? That's actually a lot of people are doing that. Yeah Can I be fucked harder by the way at this festival?

I can't do it. You're gonna be Netflix, Comedy Festival, oh my god, what an accomplishment, this is huge, I'm proud to be part of it. They're like, yeah, you're on Skin Row. And literally, my show's on Skin Row and it's at the same time as the Big Five. Ah, you're in the fentanyl tent or whatever it is on Broadway.

That's gonna be rough. And you're going into Cooke, Nucleus. You're going to Cookeleus. Cookeleus and they're over in the bowl over there in West Hollywood, or I guess that's not quite West, I guess it is West Hollywood. It's like that in between Taint, yeah. I guess the Hollywood bowl.

There you go. But any farts, I'm fucked. I'm gonna sell 11 tickets and hand out, by the way, what, we shouldn't get to into it, but that's Sheppell special. We talked about it off air, which is where the conversation we just had belongs. But Dreamer.

He also says, at one point, he's like, my first special, I was outside handing out tickets, because that was, I'm like, that's gotta be a lie. Yeah, that HBO would do that. No, no, that's crazy. The artist is handing out tickets to his own HBO special.

Yeah. That's just no way that is true. Can't be true. And his wife was in the front row of the first taping. Yeah, pregnant. Mm-hmm. Not in the second one. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, that's my backstage. That's true. Yeah, it's probably a limo or something. But yeah, I thought it was a great earnest, beautiful quote at the beginning the wake a lot of great comedy special start Anyways, no it was awesome. I were like really really self-serious specials I think it's important to really reflect on your dreams and life in the middle of a comedy special But all right, can't William stick an easy check it out I'm not going to be special, but I can't William's taking easy. Check it out.

Henry David Thoreau, but anyways, Article 15 in Rockland, Massachusetts, my family, we had like a little bit of a get together and they lent us the venue for our family and they're giving us the venue for the whole book show. So check out Article 15, great brewery. If you're on the South Shore, Massachusetts, they got pop a shot, they got corn they got a corn hole in there. They got

Steve ball. They brew their own goddamn beer. What you can't go wrong. Kick a wrong in April 13th. We'll be doing the Uncle Dale benefit. So swing by there for a brew. Tell them Tuesday's with stories. Say you got that right, Fanny. And and come by to the show. Yeah, promo code lunch. Get on the Patreon. Yeah. Hey, you should film that puppy throwing up on the Patreon. That's not bad. We've never filmed it before. It's a lot of firemen with mustache is drunk. There's beer in the stash and little spicy after so I don't know we could put it on film. I've only done three fireman shows. One was with you with the famous alarm going off and it was a cat in a tree. Long Island. And the second one I did was with the dance ain't your main a couple other guys

Everyone bombed I'm talking. These is like North Jersey MOOCs Mustache the whole thing everyone bomb only joke that I got that landed was We were in front of all the bunks or what do you call those the cubbies? Not the cubbies. Yeah, you don't go to They got the helmet on top with the hanging jacket and the boots. And I went, oh, Lomas, everybody knows he's gay. And he was. And it killed. They're like shaking Lomas, you know, oh, ah, and I bombed

continuously after that. Lomas, more like Blomas. Yes. Blomas. Blomas. Oh, can I use that? That's what I'm ever gonna do it again. Yeah, come to the show. April 13th, cancel whatever arena you do. Blow man's yeah, blow man's Oh I'm gonna do it again. Yeah come to the show April 13th cancel whatever arena you're doing and come do the firehouse Is it a weekend? Oh, yeah Saturday night, baby. It's gonna be tough. I might have to call Jerry

Pace 40 bucks Rebear oh, yeah free beer shots the whole thing guys everything that's nice you get in with those Fatties usually a couple cops there you get in with the cops love the fireman love the getting in with the guy You get a card one of those they give you that card you can pull it over you show a picture of your mom's tits And you get off professional bowlers association. Mm-hmm. I got one Okay, so what else happened with the family? Well I'd ask because I got to get it in a Mexico City. Lot going on, I got a couple quick stories. I had another real beef with a, uh, a street beef.

Ooh, I've had it before, it gives you diarrhea. I'm back at mixed martial arts because I've been having too many beefs. Now that I have a son, I'm fighting with every Tom Dick and Harry out there. Well, you're, uh, you're Liam Neeson. Which by the way, I'm blown away. There's like several people are like, you went too far with the leaf blower, you piece of shit. Oh.

Some of us like, you're desecrating someone's property. I'm like, we put 14 leaves on their sidewalk. It's not even their property. Yeah, come on, get out of here. It's a leaf blower, it's racket. It's noise pollution. If you own a building, you don't own the sidewalk. You got that right.

I mean, am I right about that? I think so. It's gotta be right. You own the stoop Little the stoop is part of the building. Yes, the sidewalk is the sidewalk. That's got it belong to the town That city city property You don't you don't own it but you're responsible for keeping it clean Oh, it's like legally because I got in trouble for that I'm telling my house geez

The controller over there. They were like you had to give this just shuffled the snow off the walk within 24 hours of it, snowing or 12 hours or something like that. Well, that changes things. Well, the leaf will blow, blow the leaves. But anyways, I don't know about leaves, but snow. Because it's dangerous. Leaves aren't dangerous. Leaves the snow that snowed in.

So, I was drinking a sip. So, button. So button. So I had the whole Sarah's family in town, which is a big to do. Which by the way, you got a two bedroom apartment and nine people in there plus a baby, that's a situation. Chaotic.

It's not easy and the baby's like, who are these people? It's just a whole to do. Garmin, Jerry. So he's with Nate. Nate the great. We go down to Dittmah's Boulevard. Take the family down.

We go by the Costanza house. This is exciting. 37th and Dittmah's. Yeah. We probably went by there years ago. We were on drugs. Maybe. But the movie's that time with Bulger.

I remember that. Yeah, we definitely stop by the Costanza house. Really boy, that, that percuss that was strong. Well, we were on painkillers. What movie did we see? Signs? No, Jason Signs. I don't know what we saw.

I wasn't signed. Signs was earlier. Something like that. Ah, we probably saw, you know, Soul Plane or something. Who the hell knows? Whatever it was, we were all fucked up. And, uh, I remember you you said if I start jerking off

Don't try to stop me and it's the hardest I've ever laughed in my whole life I'm a duck soup Duck soup At the theater So what are we 140 that was later? Did we see duck soup in the theater? No, no, we watched it your house.. Hi. I'm the DVDs. Yeah. Okay, that's what I remember. And I was pushing for comedian. He said, now I've seen it too many times.

Let's watch Mark's brothers. And I said, all right, I can do it. I can do it with that. That's funny, then, the Samoan. Y'all, the underwear, clad Samoan. That guy would stomp around that apartment like Godzilla. Boy, those were the great old days. Oh, yeah.

I appear in the world. Or a dollar. Drugs and alcohol was fun. Well, I were the great old days. Oh yeah, not the care in the world. Or a dollar. Drugs and alcohol was fun. Well, I had a lot of cares. I was probably more scared then. Ah, but you know, all fucked up. Anyfarts, so we go down to Dipmars and go to Moth's bakery, we go in there.

Which by the way, what do you think of this? We go to Moth, it's like Christmas Eve. Literally Christmas Eve. And so there's a thousand people in line at the bakery. It's a famous bakery over there. Okay. So you get in line. And then as I'm leaving, it's like a 20 minute line,

you get the cupcakes and the cookies and the bullshit. As we're leaving, how about this lady? I just over here, her lady go, hey, it's to the employee. I just wanna get a cake. Do I have to wait in the whole line? Yeah. I just wanna get as a cake exception.

See, like, the lady goes, yes, yes, always line. Always about to wait in line. But I'm like, it's not like, like, for instance, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's pot belly. Oh, pot belly. Pot belly. I would have never gotten that. Now, I go to pot belly and I just get a sugar cookie. So I don't get in the long sandwich line. Sure. Because they're at the register. There's no one at the register. So I just go, I go, hey, I just want a cookie. Boom, boom. That makes sense.

Because the sandwich, you sit there, you order it and they make it. So you wait for them to make the sandwich. Yeah, you go down the line. Exactly. A bakery, they're not making your thing to order. Right. So she's like, hey, I just want to get the sandwich. Yeah, you go down the line. Exactly. A bakery, they're not making your thing to order. Right. So she's like, hey, I just want to get a cake.

So I have to wait in the line. You're like, of course, that's what everyone's doing. Yeah, yeah. We're all waiting in line to order just a cake. That's a baked good. You're at a bakery. That's what they sell here. Yeah, well, what about this though?

Let me, let me throw this up your taint. Chipotle. Uh-huh. Same line. Yes. What if I wanted just chips? Taint, Chipotle, same line. Yes. What if I wanted just chips? Now could I go to the reds and skip the line?

Just chips, I've seen it done. Aha. I think just chips is pretty acceptable. God, I thought you were gonna say Magarita. That's so Magarita's and beers there. That's true, I forgot about that. Because I think that's okay. I think this is the line for getting your burritos made.

And I do think it's if it's a long line, you're just getting chips. I think I can go to the front of the board. All right, all right, I had to ask. Now, I bakery though, again, there's everything, everyone's just doing that. Yeah, yeah. There's no minting or there's no division in a bakery.

Right. A cookie is a bake. Yeah. A cookie is a bake. Yeah. Cake is a bake. She aakin' bake and I helped. So anyway, she had to wait in line. So we get the baked goods, then we go to a story of park and I'm driving, once we park, we hang out in the park.

It's fun. You park to go to the park. I'm driving up the street, I take a corner and it's a quiet street, but there's a lady just walking slowly across the street mid 30s like Thino descent just slowly strolling and so now I'm in a car and I've established I'm driving up the street so you expect a little like whoops turn around head back to the sidewalk or a jog through hey sorry. Sure. She just keeps strolling and she's looking at her phone

That's gonna get her killed so I go Give a quick honk. Oh boy easy to jiu jitsu and she looks and goes like What you looking at and I go I Give her away. Yeah, you're in the street and then she does this. Uh-oh. Calm down. Oh. She gives me the slow down relax. Yes, yes. Very emasculating. And slow down relax.

I go, you're in the street. Yeah. And she does the thing again. She does it again like this. And so then as she walks through the street, I roll down my window, that's Sarah's window. Oh man. You're Batman. I got the baby with window, that's Sarah's window. Oh man. You're Batman.

I got the baby with us, he's strapped in, and then Sarah's sister-in-law is sitting behind her. Now they're from Texas, so I rolled on the window and her sister-in-law is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't do this, don't do this, why are you doing this? Uh-oh. Cause she thinks we're gonna get shot. Well she's-

Of course, stabbed, doesn't it, or. Oh, open carry over there. So, I just rolled on the window and I went, you're in the street. Because I can't fathom that you think you're in the right. Right. Well, fine, you're walking through the street, I get it. Don't they have the right away as a pedestrian?

She's in middle of the street. Oh, okay. Not a crosswalk. Oh, not a crosswalk. I'm a crosswalk, I thought it was a crosswalk. Right smack in the middle of the road. She's walking, looking at her phone. Like, and I'm talking slow, slow, slow.

Interesting. So now I've come. She's lucky she's not fucking rolled over the whole of the car. 100%. So I go, you're in the street and she goes, oh, I'm in the street. Yeah, happy holidays to you too. Huh.

And I went, yeah, all right, happy holidays, but you're standing in the street. I don't get it. You might die. You're in the wrong. You're in the wrong in the street, so I rolled the window up and her sister-in-law just looked like, what do we do? And this is crazy.

And Sarah knows now. He's a psycho. Just let it be. Well, she doesn't know a vigilante list. Now, I got a little upset because in those situations, you feel like I'm like, you got a, even if you think I'm crazy, she's in the wrong. We're in the right. Yeah. She's on the street. And all I did was, you got to, even if you think I'm crazy, she's in the rock. We're in the right. Yeah.

She's on the street and all I did was, hey, hey, we're in the street. Yeah. Which to me, that's a normal New York interaction. Sure. You go, hey, you honk, they say fuck you, you say you're in the street, fuck you. Happy holidays, roll up the window, you keep moving.

That's pretty, that's New York standard. Pretty standard, to walk in the park. Walk in the park, walk in the street. So, you keep moving. That's pretty, that's New York standard. Pretty standard, to walk in the park. Walk in the park, walk in the street. So, for the course. Now, we go shop around, we walk around, we go to Chipotle, you know me, I want a burrito. You like the chip. So, we order the food, it's about 220 PM.

We sit down in the dining room, we start eating our burritos, we got the baby. All of a sudden they come out and they go, hey folks, you gotta wrap up the dining room, we start eating our burritos, we got the baby. Mm. All of a sudden they come out and they go, hey folks, you gotta wrap up the dining room closes. Ah. I go dining room closes. I go what time do you guys close? They go three, but the dining room closes to 230.

Okay, and it's 220. 220, 225. Okay. And then I gave them this. No, we're gonna finish our food. Man, you're on one today. Well, I'm on one every day now. I guess so.

You can't just throw us, I don't get it. You sat down, no one said anything. Right. So I just politely but firmly said, now we're gonna finish our food. Sure. And they went, oh, and they leave, and we start eating our food, we're annoyed.

Now we're about, oh, 10 minutes passes. Now it's 2.35. All right. I got about a third of a burrito left a different person comes over and goes Hey, we got to ask you to leave And I go yeah, we're still gonna finish our food and I go someone should have said something when we ordered That's how you should have done it and she goes they did What and now like I got like

Steam comes out, you know my eyes get wide the glasses start shaking. Whoa. I mean you're Liam nason and I go Hey, give me back my son Special service team. I went this I started to talk I went Like that she went did they not tell you? And I went yeah, nobody told me. Nobody told me. I'm not lying to you. Sure. That's crazy. Also weird to be like, they told you,

did they not tell you? You just told me they told me. Yes. Come on. Exactly. They didn't tell me. Yeah. And you close at three, which I understand. And, but it's two thirty-five. There's no, you can't just wrap up.

And now it's Christmas Eve and they're young people So I understand I go all right. Well, we're leaving. We're gonna finish yeah, but give me two minutes No one told me and we'll still be out here 20 minutes before you close. There you go Every wins everybody wins. I felt like I asserted and they went all right. What are you gonna do? So then what do you make of this my They went, all right, what are you gonna do? So then, what are you making this? My, uh, Saras. I'm nervous, that's what I'm making.

Saras' best friend from high school. She's a firecracker. I mean, sweet as pie, and a hell of a babysitter, but a real cracker of fire. But she was the one in the back going, what are you doing with the window now? So I think you changed her. Well, I think, exactly, I think I influenced her,

but she's from Texas, so she thought we were gonna get shot. But she's also grew up in Philly. She's like a Delco. You know, Delco. Yeah, Delco. I know Delco. Well, she's a Delco lady.

Oh, you don't wanna fuck with the coat. You got them right. I mean, she is a spicy muffin. Delco proper. Something like that, that's the show. That was the show, sorry. So I never saw the show, but I love Tommy. And the other guy Chris Chris is out Connor, but he's not in the show. Ah

In the show. I'm sure they threw him in love the pod. Great pod. Great pod. Suicide one. That's the one. Stuff Island, but on there a couple times. Great guys hilarious guys. Yeah, checking it. I should check out the Delco too because Tommy's fucking hilarious, but I never watch anything. Yeah, it's a lot of things. I know, I've never seen one second of billions. So I was one of my best friends of all time. I tried. I've seen Seinfeld.

Seinfeld, I've seen that over and over. Yeah, any fired. So she's a firecracker. She's inspired by me. What do you think of this? She's like, fuck these people, fuck them, that's crazy. She takes some chips, drops them on the floor, crushes them right in the floor.

Right in the floor, a little bit of sour cream, a little bit of tomato, and I go, oh my God. Then we go over the trash, she's throwing a trash away, takes a glass thing of coke and just splits a little on the couch. Wow. On the couch. This is like, who's coming with me?

This is full on Jerry McGuire meltdown. And I was like, oh my god, I dove out of the place. I did like a barrel roll into the street and grabbed the bottom of the cab, like fucking side showbob. Yeah. Just out of there. Oh, but I don't blame you.

Because I was terrified, but that is next level scary. It was a spicy meatball and it was one of those ones you're like, don't, don't fuck with her, which I already felt anyway. Sure. Or would I, I love her to death, but that one I felt like, I thought I had handled it pretty well. Yeah, I think so. Well, here's the scary part, because there's a couple of YouTube real TikToks with this kind of shit happening.

Uh-huh. And it's on the old CCTV. Oh, boy. And one of them at a Canada was the craziest one where they yelled at a lady at the register. And the woman got so mad the customer, she took a dump on the floor. Oh, jeez.

And I think it was in Canada or I don't know where, but she went viral. She was plastered all over the screen. Oh, jeez. And I think it was in Canada or I don't know where, but she went viral. She was plastered all over the screen. Oh, God. Well, I think it wasn't, it wasn't like super egregious, go to jail. It looked like it could have been a mistake. He's like, oh, he dropped some chips in the floor.

Everyone, it looked like regular drop, but I was like, got down. This lady, she's ready to rock and roll. She's brazen. And I think if they had said more, she could have beat the shit on them, because she's got that like tough, philly Irish. Yeah, I can see that. She's sturdy.

Yeah, brazen on the sun. But yeah, that was the spicy meatball. Those were our little confrontations, but I was like, my God, that was right, way crazier than my thing in the street. The thing in the street was like, like I said, just a casual, that's a New York hello. That's a standard New York.

Yeah, come on. And you got a happy holidays out of it. So it all kind of ended with a nice little bow. I like that she kept it PC too with the holidays. Oh yeah. She was like, Merry Christmas, because it was Christmas Eve. She could have gone Merry Christmas, but she was like, I don't want to offend what if he's a Jew.

Yeah. But anyway, so those were my spicy meatballs. That's a doozy. Wow. I want to meet the we should get her on Oh, yeah, oh, she'll come on Okay, yeah, I mean a little nervous around. We'll have to put a catcher's mask on or something Oh, yeah, she's got some stories. She's one of those folks that's like if someone does something fucked up. She's ready to Throw hands, I think I see good lady to have on your side Yeah, yeah, definitely holy moly, but it was scary. They don't make them like that anymore No, not too much not the honkeys anyway the honkeys have all been humbled and

We're a little more docile these days. No now everyone just stares their feet and they're like I'm sorry sir I don't know I'm gay and I hate my father well enough cell phone footage comes out of a carin You go I don't want to be on the other end of that puppy and lose my gym membership Or whatever yeah, I gotta lose my gym membership. It's 900 dollars a month All right, take me to Mexico City. I'm dying. I'm in Chipotle Mexican Grill all the time But I've been in Mexican city in a couple days. May he go. Well, let me start from the beginning. Please. So this was a, you know, I'm doing this is 11 days off. By the way, I did a set last night. I've been that rusty since COVID.

I feel the same way. I was the fat black last night. Same thing. It was about nine days, something like that. That shit. I mean, we've done stand-up every day for the past 75 years. And I was walking on stage at York Comedy Club last night going, I don't know how to do this. I couldn't think of my first, I opened with an Epstein client joke and bombed, and then you, what little confidence you had just goes, and woo, did I stink.

Yeah, I did a thing where I was like, did the second half of a joke that I didn't do the first half for it so it made it made no sense I was like boy, you know He's not the only one that hates women and they were like who hates women Yeah, I was like fuck and you couldn't I couldn't go backwards I know and I was so ashamed that I did that thing Well, I'm like let me watch the other comics and they all killed and they were all in control And then had the audience of the palm of their hand and I was like, frazzled on every punchline.

Like that moment before the laugh, I'm like, oh god, you wouldn't think I'd, you know, you felt like a brand new comic, it sucked. But I always say you take a long time off, it feels weird, but then it only takes a set or two to be like, I'm back. That's true, that's true. So that was one, so I need a couple tonight or else I'm gonna kill myself. But first off, so a little contentious with the wife because I'm doing a show on my thing,

and this is dude think, I'm like, we're gonna be together all Christmas in Mexico for seven days, new years, fly back together. We're gonna be together. Sure. But I'm doing gigs all the way up till Christmas. So I'm doing gigs on the 22nd and 23rd. I do the exact same thing.

Okay, well she was like, you gotta miss half a Christmas. I'm like, I'm getting there on Christmas Eve. Then we have Christmas, then we have the day after, we have the day after that, then we fly to Mexico. Yeah. So it was a little point of contention. I feel the same way.

Okay, so. I'm with you. The problem is the gigs are in Birmingham, Alabama. Oh, no, that's on the 22nd and Shreveport, Louisiana. Whoa, daddy. Not exactly hot markets. No. So I fly down to Birmingham.

I get the old JP Leonard of Lafayette fame. Love JP. Why, that is a gracious, what's not that gracious? Generous man. Yeah, I think gracious. Great egg, good beard, best hairline and comedy. He drives up to Birmingham, we do the gig, it's in a theater, it's super fun.

We wake up the next day, drive six hours, which I, yeah, there's some amount to be, four and over is maybe my cutoff now. I was gonna say four is about as far as you wanna go. Six is a lot. Six is tough, that's three hours twice. That's a flight to LA. That's Schindler's List and Braveheart.

Ooh, good point. Freedom. Schindler's List, the biggest list before Epstein I'd say So are you yeah, okay? Now we do the gig and treeport was killer by the way that was great It's the tip top of Louisiana treeports. Yeah almost Arkansas and we did that when that was killer It was like a lot of what the hell you doing here. Thanks for coming. This is crazy I feel bad for these small towns because you go to their downtown and it's just decimated.

That's most of America. I know and then you go outside and like don't go over here. Right, they'll kill you. Don't go over there. You'll get shot and you're like, how do you guys live strangely? The thing about America is it kind of sucks. We got some perks. We got Chipotle and uh... Perks Addictions is what we got. Yeah, I guess you got me there. I mean don't get me wrong I love America the national parks the Grand Canyon I always talk about how beautiful it is but most towns Literally most towns yeah, do you literally yikes yikes are runny and then you see photo you go to the hotel

And you're looking at 1961 And it's just bustling, booming town with Kodak and Bowschenloom and the other one. Well, it's all outsourced. We don't make anything. Yada, yada, and it's a sad state of a fear. By the way, Maddie Weiner, over for the last night, she's got some great bits about how we have

the most depression, but a low suicide rate. It's like so American. Yeah, she's like, you gotta get it. The problem is, you gotta gut in your mouth. You're like, I'm American. Oh, yeah, she's like you got a gun It's a problem is you got a gun in your mouth. You're like I'm gonna kill myself Then there's like another guy with a gun in his mouth. He's like oh, go on our own and it's really a great big good She's underrated. I find very good. I'm a fan. But yeah, it's hard times out in America It really is especially these you know not so hot towns like you go to Austin or Chicago And you're like hey, this is popping but you go to Austin or Chicago and you're like,

hey, this is popping, but you go to other places than it ain't pretty. Yeah. All right, so fly out now just to try to be less in trouble in the doghouse, I fly out of Shreeport at 5 a.m. on Christmas Eve to get to Beentown and then eventually to Cape Cod. Right.

So I got a day ahead of me here. This is Run Run Rudolph Nightmare Travel. Get in the early Uber, get to Shreepport Airport, fly to Atlanta, connect to Atlanta, fly to bean town, land in bean town. Now I gotta get an Uber to Cape Cod on Christmas Eve. That's insane It was insane. I they kept canceling on me. You got the thing where the car just going Like doing the spin and then it would blow up a little cartoon and then a guy would shoot himself

It was hell finally got when it was a hundred bucks Got that low even pretty low. I got lucky. I think they kept canceling on me. So they're like let's Throw them a bone on price maybe I don't know but I finally get there and you know what you always expect to show up You drop your bags. It's been like a 12 hour travel day or on two hours of sleep And you want everybody to hug you and then hand you a present and an egg nog and kiss you on the cheek and Ho ho ho sure you get there and it's Hey, where you been? Oh, you know, just kind of crazy flight day. Well, you got to help us with these bags

or what you got to help us with these bags and you're like, oh yeah, all right, sorry. And you just got a slide right in. Yeah, the slide in. I hate the slide in. Hate the slide in. You want the presentation. Yeah, give me a little break, a little breather,

especially with in-laws. You want them to shuffle you into the bedroom. Yeah, suck you off. Yeah, him to shuffle you into the bedroom. Yes. Suck you off. Yes. Show you the tits. Slow mess. You know, tell him Jerry still likes you.

Just a little bit of ease you into it, and then come out and present. Yes. Look who's here. Yes. Presently he gives a big applause and kisses you on the cheek. Or the dough. They hand you a baby, they go, he should himself.

You gotta eat it, and you go, all right, I'll do it. And they go, you gotta like it, and you go, okay. And then that's the holidays. But we had a great time, and I gotta tell you, the ladies, the wife's sister has two little kids, and that really lightens up Christmas, doesn't it? It's in the running around, they got the pajamas on, the tarant gifts open, they're playing with trucks. It gives a little energy. Well, that's the thing.

I dealt with this too. It's like, kids are the only that make holidays fun. It's so true. It's why every Halloween I fly to gig harbour to be with children. You take children out of Halloween, and you're like, what are we doing? What are we, we're eating candy,

and dressing like a mummy? I'm just watching Murder and Rape, which you do that after the kids go to bed. Yeah. That's fun. Same with Christmas. It's like, my baby's two months old, so he doesn't give a fuck about Christmas.

Sure. And other than that, it's just nine adults looking at each other. Looking at each other, then somebody gets too drunk, and then a woman cries, and Santa breaks and enters. It's a very strange thing. Yeah, it's not fun. This was fun. We got the cookies out, and they're like,

Santa's gonna eat those. I go, you damn right, he is. And then I came down early, took a bite out of that gingerbread homo and the kid believed it. That's fun. They're very stupid. You got to leave some crumbs around. Yeah. Some milk in your dick.

Exactly. So they drink it. It's a, you're right. Kids make it. So, and plus, I got a, I a I got a I got socks, you know I got all the standard shit. It's fun But when you when you see a kid light up with the train set. Uh-huh. That's what it's all about. Yeah, I look forward to it Hey folks Tuesday's the story is brought to my blue chew If you had trouble getting that confetti to pop this new year's Eve

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and you're gonna get some handling. That's bluechew.com, promo code Tuesdays receive your first month free visit bluechew.com for more details and safety information. Thank you, bluechew for sponsoring the pod. Brrrrr so now we're getting to the nitty gritty. That was a little Christmas horse shit. This is the meat of it.

So, fly to Mexico City from Boston. Direct? You wish. So I wish. So we got to connect to Atlanta. Uh-huh. Then... So I wish so we got a connected Atlanta Then yeah, then you got to go to CDMX CDMX

Cuidod Mexico Cuidod means city see it out. There you go. Yeah better. So we We fly We we try to board and Logan and they, that's gonna be a 30 minute delay. And I go, hey, we got a tight connection. They go, we'll make it up in the air. And I go, all right, and they go, yeah, that's a problem with the plane.

You're like, huh, this seems fishy. They keep opening the door closing and they're all the Bostonites are getting angry. You know, these Irish get. That sure do. And so we board about 30, 35 minutes late. Okay. I over here though flight attendant going Can you believe that fucking idiot left his luggage on the plane?

Set his back 40 minutes, hmm, so they fucked up The pilot well some guy left his luggage on the plane so they the guy was like let me go back on I could have a bomb in it so they got it only got get it out of there. And that's the 9-11 airport. That's right. So, you know, they got there a little touchy. Good point. Mohammed. Yes.

Yeah. Whatever's the name of us. Ata. Ata? Outta boy. I don't know what to. I'm like a gotta. Mohammed Ata, he's the guy, he's like the leader.

Boy, they gotta get some new names over there. Mohammed most popular name in the world. That's right. I tried to do a bit about that. It never worked. No, no, no, I don't care But what's the bit again? I can't remember Shit My mom about dead No, no, no, it's probably the name in the world. Ah shit. I'll come up with it. But um, so Now we land in Atlanta. We missed the flight. Ah shit I'll come up with it. But um so now we land in Atlanta we missed the flight. We missed the connection. Ah. Is one of the where you where I'm talking to the flight attendant like

we're gonna make it and he's like it's still it's still good on the app you're gonna make it you're gonna make it we land at the time it says boarding. Uh-huh. And then you gotta get off the plane then you gotta run there. We're different terminal. Different terminal. The national terminal. Had to take the tram. You get there the doors closing Oh, we're gonna bex go city for new years. We just made it a guy left his bag of the plane And they go fuck you the handy a baby they go. He shit himself and you gotta eat it You go all right, so then they go go talk to customer service. I'll put you on a new flight no problem Go to customer service. She's she's the angry lady. She goes Beep beep beep. I got a 645

We'll put you on that. It's noon. So we were supposed to get to Mexico City at like two. Now we're getting there like 11. It's the worst, but the sooner you accept your fate, the better. I know. I've got a few hours in Atlanta, but you can go to Chick-fil-A, they've got a Starbucks, you can ride the train, you can walk around, you can fuck in the bathroom. I guess, but this is six hours to kill.

Six and a half even. I know, I've been there at six. So we go to the lounge, thank God, but a lounge. I start pounding booze, she's eating cookies, and I go, you let me call. How is there not, is there not another flight for six hours? I call.

I'm on hold, I'm on hold. There's a flight in 20 minutes. Come on. Delta. Delta. She got me on it. She goes it's flying out here. It's going to connect in San Antonio. So you got to connect again.

That is going to go to Mexico City. And I said, I'll take it. That's better. Well, we're going to get there at seven instead of 11. Okay. Ah, it's something. All right. I'd be worried about getting stuck over at the Alamo, Draftos.

True. Okay, so you take the connection connect. We take it, we run to the gate, they let us on, we get all the way to the back of the plane, I'll take it. Then we gotta get off, we get into the San Antonio Airport, we're flying Air Mexico. Oh boy. And they put us in first class. Oh nice pretty good

And that $15 voucher they gave me didn't work by the way. I tried it interesting. Yeah, it's an a Taco Bell Here we go. I'm going to Mexico. I want to get my stomach prep for this toxic waste you sell and they go we don't take that shit Well, maybe it's only worth 30 cents. Maybe they'll like this will get you know a peanut well It says $15 on the ticket. I know, but $15. Oh, an airport. Oh, an airport. I've been saying Antonio here.

I thought you were on board. Oh, no, no, no, this is a flight voucher for the food voucher. I got the Delta Lady gave me. Ah, I see. But either way, we got to Mexico City. I mean, it was grueling. It was just such a bitch. It was four flights to get there We're supposed to get there too. We get there at 7.30 you land in Mexico City and it's on baby

Everything's in Spanish. No one looks at you. There's a cock fight in the lobby. It's crazy We get to an Uber and right when you get there, you're like we're here. This is it. This is fucking awesome You drive over what a wild place. Cause there's less regulation there. Of course. So everything's topsy-turvy. And it's beautiful, it's buzzing, it's fun. But here's the clinker.

Clink me. You drive in, all you see in these giant, and look, I'm coming from a place to love. I'm going back, I love it. I'd never been before, I'm in awe, I'm in heaven. But all you see is disappearo posters posters as far as the Mexican I can see and it's just disappearo disappearo and you're like, huh? and

I'm reading all this shit like don't take a cab you get in the cab you get abducted always Uber and you're like, man This is crazy, but there's no trash. There's no hobos, there's very little crime, but you get abducted. Interesting. Because the cartel. Yes. And there's police everywhere. So you're like, what's going on with the police in cartel? They get along and they hate each other.

I mean, cooots. And then you can't drink the water. So you're like, there's no litter, which is great. There's no hobo, which is great. But I can't have a sip of tap water. You're all done. You got to buy bottle water, right? We bought a gigillion jugs of bottled water. But it's so hard to remember, don't you find that? I fucked it up many times. I told you I was in Ecuador,

I made a big cup of tea and I didn't boil it all the way because I'm a tea con and I shit 55 times in three seconds. You got it? Oh, is the worst sick I've ever been in my life. Really? That was an Ecuador, which I don't know that's nicer or better than or worse than Mexico. I think it's a little worse. Uh, well, it was bad. Booming. All right. Wow. Well, we landed. I was like, you with the prostitutes. I was like, we are getting dinner. We have a reservation, get your fat ass up, put some black face on. We're hitting the town.

All right. So we, uh, we hit the town. All right, so we hit the town We had a great dinner and she's like Lupi and wonky she's was already a little fevery little sick from the From the Christmas all the kids are sick. I raised whooping coffin and she's shit in blood everybody Yeah, my sister's got strip throat my father's AIDS everybody. Everybody's fucked. By the way, Lupi That's the name of the waitress. Hello, put Lupita so We get there we have the dinner we go home we pass out and

We had a great time we went to New Year's. I don't know where to begin I have so much but she got the Montezuma. What's Montezuma? That's what they call it when you get the parasite and you just start Shit like crazy. Oh, no. I'm eating street tacos, I'm fucking hookers, I'm blowing donkeys, I'm drinking the water, I drink the water on accident, I was brushing my teeth and I went pfff. And I swallowed it and she was, what are you doing? I go, oh I forgot to now I'm going, I'm trying to get it out of there, but I was fine. I've done the same thing. I think even brushing your teeth with the water is bad.

All bad. Because it absorbs through the gums like Coke. Yes, but what the hell, man? It's 2023. Get a filter in here. Well, I think they got problems down there. It's a little in their poor. They got drugs. The cartel. David tell Okay, who knows what's going on? So but we stayed in this place called Juarez and we stayed in Kadeza, Roma. It's so lush. Wait, Juarez the city? It's a town or it's a neighborhood. Oh, okay. There is a Juarez city Juarez the city next to El Paso. Sure. This is Juarez neighborhood. All the neighborhoods have little names, kind of like

so or whatever. Like a story of Oregon and a story of New York. There you go, Portland, Portland. So, it's a point, huh? Flip the coin. There you go. You got to Boston, a Portland, they flip the coin. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. That's fun. So we go, first of all, we don't know what to do. We don't live there. We don't know anybody there. So we go, how are we gonna get into these places? Cause we wanted to go to a New Year's party. But where do you go? I don't live there. We don't know anybody there. So we go how are we gonna get into these places? Because we wanted to go to a New Year's party, but where do you go? I don't know.

So, the police is on you on the way, though. She has a membership to the Soho House. Yes, I always hear about the Soho House, only for you about her. Very exclusive. I'm not a one of these club sign-up membership guys, but she likes all that shit. Sure. She's a socialite. Yes. So they're having a big New Year's party.

We go try to buy tickets. They go, hmm. These things sold out eight years ago. It's the hottest party in town. It's an Andy Warhol theme. You got to dress up. People bought these tickets in the 80s. And you go, Jesus Christ.

Wow. So I go, I guess that's that. I guess we got to go. So now I'm literally walking around We're in bars with restaurants. I'm going to the waiter. What are you doing for New Year's? And he's like, I am going to jail. I'm like, okay, we don't want to do that. So I'm asking everybody I'm asking people in the street. People go Tuesdays. It's all pipes. I go, what are you doing for New Year's? I'm having a party with my mom. I go, ah, already fucked her. Fuck that. So then we go, let's try to get in the somehow so we email them and they're like no no dice

It's all out so the lady may she goes how about this I'll pretend to be your manager I Don't know if I should say this oh boy What do you mean? Well, you're like the guy who I'm driving you You're like, park here. Like it says no park. You're like, eh, park here. Ah, shits. Well, I gotta know what happens.

Well, I gotta be email me. Just tell a little bit of what you think is bad. All right, I'm gonna have to pay true off. So she, we go have dinner there one night and she talks to one of the ladies who works there and she's like, oh, we're trying to get to the New Year's party. They go, yeah, it's sold out.

Here's my DM shit if you wanna, maybe if somebody's done show up, I'll message you. Which doesn't know. So now she has the DM lady. So she DMs her, hey, I'm Mark Norman's manager. He's on Netflix, he's gay. He's been around. And so far this is all gravy. Yeah.

Can I get him in or like can we get in? He feels unsafe walking around as a celebrity. It's all we're laughing while we're writing in. We're like, this is crazy. Come on. And we put a picture of me like with the Netflix behind me and all that. Two hours later. Hey, we got you. This is totally fine. What's bad about that? She lied.

She lied. You're Mark Norman. She manages you. So that's true. Okay. She bought some outfits for you or whatever. You give her 10% of your cash. Well, what more than that?

But what if they revoke her membership for the line? They're not going to revoke our membership. the line? Not gonna revoke her membership. No, no revoke. They're not gonna, hey, they're not gonna listen. B, she can be your manager. Why not? Alright, she's your manager. It's close enough to the truth, right? A wife and a manager is the same. And you, I tell you, you're not Mark Norband. That's true. That's true. You know, David Foster Wallace saying I'm Mark Norman. That would be something.

Yeah. The most important parts of the story are true. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm just Mark Norman. You're gay and you were scared. You want to go to the party? It's her membership. Not mine. So I don't want to be the reason she loses it. I think she'll be all right. Yeah. She'll be fine. Plus, they wanted be fine plus They want it. Why did they have you in because they wanted you there? Right I mean that's that the the crux of this they said there was no tickets But we can make room for Mark Norman your Mark Norman At don't you think I guess I'm just I don't want to jeopardize her

Membership oh, I think a soul I think they'll give her a free membership Yeah, me too. Yeah. Why would they do that? Because you're a hero. You're a celebrity because she connected them to you. All right. Well, we got it. Okay. Okay. I'm nervous and it was awesome. I'm not I'm not I understand your nerd. I don't get I don't think we've done anything wrong. All right. All right. I don't think you've done anything wrong. Okay. Well, we go there Well, first of all, we get dolled up. We go to the costume shops We buy the ridiculous Andy Warhol outfits, which is a lot of fun. You get all gussied up. Sure. We go there and it's gorgeous. Fire fired display. You know, ice-loos. They're the lighting is beautiful.

There's a band. There's DJs. There's music. There's nightclubs. It's all a little celebrity sighting. Ooh. You'll never guess. Love me, guess. Come on. I want to guess. All right. Now, are they Mexican? No, no. Big fat American. Okay. Big, actually, big and fat. Not actually. Very fit, good looking guy. Give me three guesses. Can I have three? I can be five.

I'll take five. Brad Pitt. No, not that big. Ah. Big, maybe to us. Actually, not even that big to us, but just, he's in the comedy world. Big words. No, but now you're getting more in the level.

Okay. That's a two for. Okay, well, I mean, the first one. I mean, that was a practice. Okay, it's a man. Yes. And fit comedy. Okay.

David Steinberg. No. Bigger. Yeah. And more relevant. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Wait, I got it. I got it. I got 700 years old. I got it. I got it. Who's the guy? It's a wild card. It's a, it's a curve ball. Andy Sandberg. No, but not bad. Okay. What's the guy that does, is it cake? Mikey Day. No, I wouldn't have recognized him from a photograph. Um, is this number five right here? I like this one more.

Cat Williams. I wish. I love Cat Williams. Duncan Trussell. No, no, bigger than that. One, well, I'll give you a huge clue. Okay from Forest Hills from forest hill which I know where people are from that's my weird No, it's Billy Eichner

You know Billy on the street oh He's got a TV show called difficultficult People. He was in the movie, Bros. Oh. But the gay fellas. He was in a sitcom too, right? Yeah, with no-one. No, guys. Yeah.

And maybe I thought it was like Parks and Rec or something. I'm going to be more into David Steinbock. Yeah, I'm not saying I'm buying his albums. I'm just saying it was fun to see an American Celeb. Right. I think you're bigger than Billy to see an American celeb. Right. I think you're bigger than Billy Eichner. No. Is he huge?

He's pretty big. Boy, am I stupid. He's big. He's big. He's going all the parties. He's in everything. Now, right. Well, I blew it.

That's all right. It's a weird guess. I didn't know he's from Four Stills. I mean, I don't know anything about the guy. Yeah. Anyway, so he's there. He's up to him. He's up to him.

Hey, Mark Norma, this is my manager. I didn't want to bother him, but I had a couple things locked and loaded if I bumped into him just because I I would have gone like eight four sales or like hey difficult people, you know, just something we're in the know You know seven inches whatever so that was cool. We have a great time. We take a little shrooms. We live it up So, uh, that was cool. We have a great time. We take a little shrooms. We live it up. Fun. We, the next day, we go to the lucha Libre midget wrestling. Oh, incredible. I mean, people come out. This is like WWE over there. It is crazy. They're yelling,

Fuego, Fuego. That's the little guy's name and he would tackle a guy and go, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the gravel go ape shit, you drink the big beers, it's very um, I don't wanna say low brow, like not low breaths the wrong word, like low res, like WWE is arena, it's the rock, it's John Cena, that rhymed, but this is like dingy, you know, dusty bullshit arena, like a cock fight could happen there. And it's, it's just, you're 10 feet away from a midget being tossed. And I took some photos of it. It was wild. Wow. And it's a cost money to get like, why am I, we talking like 50 bucks, or is it like a couple of pesos?

No, yeah, it's probably like 25 bucks each, and the beers are like a dollar, and you can get popcorn and nachos, and it's, it's, it's low rent. Now are these the big guys? These are big. These are happening everywhere. Are these celebrities in Mexico? Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean they're walking to the crowds like Elvis.

You know, they throw the cape off and the fucking flame shoot up. It's crazy. Interesting. Super fun. Just get out of your element. Like I would never really go to a WWE. I got nothing against it, but it doesn't bend my pipe.

But you know, this was just super cool. And then the next day we go to the canals. Check out my Instagram. I got all this up there. Canal. We go to the canals. It's about an hour out and you get on a boat. Very primitive.

There's a guy on the back of a boat, a scruffy, Mexican guy with a giant bamboo pole. And he's just pushing you through the canal and you bump in other boats, they got a party going on. There's a Mariachi band, a little canoe pulls up, you buy a margarita guy, shaking it. Margarita. I've just doled out cash and everything's so cheap.

You know, 500 pesos is like 20 bucks. Wow, it's 25, something like that. So they got to be like 400. I'm like There you go fatty get out of here. It's been that it in one place and then You know a taco canoe pulls up the guys got a little grill on there. It's all unregulated and I loved it a taco canoe That is living. Yes. That sounds like a sex move. I give it the old tacos canoe But I like to cheese on there and she came in my face. Oh yeah.

So we just had a great time and then finally this the last day we're kind of road hard put away wet. And I guess she had a couple of cocktails with ice in it. And she woke up and it was like a civil rights fire hose. Now is this the second time, or is this the one you were alluded to earlier? That's alluded. Okay.

Same, same shit. And when I say she must have shit 50 times in a day, I am not exaggerating. Like we would walk, she would shit in a Starbucks or whatever, we'd get out of there. We'd walk for 10 minutes, she'd be like, I gotta shit again. And it was just yellow, bile horse shit.

That's exactly what happened to me in Ecuador. We would pull into a gas station, I would shit, I would get in the car and I was like, you gotta stop at the next gas station. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy. And sometimes it happens just from eating the food or like ice gins, just the dishware.

It's just, our bodies are all fucked up. It's all different micro-biam in every different country. Exactly, I could have been, a lot of people say, it's the lettuce. You get on the lettuce because they wash it and then they eat it. Our bodies are all fucked up. It's all different microbiome in every different country. Exactly. A lot of people say it's the lettuce. You get on the lettuce because they wash it and then they eat it. Let us pray. There you go.

Which reminds you, by the way, I was able to lose in your AirPods over there. Oh, thank you. It loses those. I had a thing just real quick, if I may, divulge, please. Diverge or digress.

Mm, die hard. Diet, coke. Cokalite. I was in a, masters, we were eating pizza and bullshit and all the shit. You ever had this in your whole life? I never had this ever. I got up the next day.

I mean, we ate like, Stofers Mac and cheese, some pizza, some salad. I don't know what did it. Got up the next day, hanging with the baby, had to shit and I was like, let me go take a shit. Just piss out of my ass all, like a falsity piss, but no feverish, chill, sweats, cramps, just thought it was gonna be a regular shit,

and it was just like, I think that's normally what the hell? And it was yellow and murky and mucky, finished, went back to the next shit was normal. It happens. But normally, when you have that, you have the, you have the, you have it. That's true.

That's true. And you're like, oh my God, something I'm fucked up. This was just like, I kind of got a shit. It was water, back to normal. Yeah, yeah, that happens. I think you got just, I got some evil in you and your body's like, we gotta get rid of this. I think my body like just a touch of evil no need for the sweat right over in the cramps Right, give me a nice watery shit and have them move on. Yeah, that happens. All right, sometimes I'll have a bad day

I've just a little off and I'll take a shit and I'm like, oh my body was working on something here Yeah, I got it out. I got that right now. I got a nice soft burrito boiling Rattle in the cages. Yeah. Well, I got to hand it to the wife, because she's MVP, because she had this shit going on all day, and she was still like, no, no, let's go out.

Let's go to the park. Let's go to the dinner. Let's go to lunch. God bless her. Yeah. But then the night time was rough, because she couldn't get any sleep. So I got up at about seven.

We had an 11 o'clock flight. I got up at seven. I said, you know what? What are we doing? Because we thought it would pass. And I was like, I'm going to the pharmacy. Yes. And I just go up to the guy and it's like an old Mexican guy.

It's seven in the morning, I'm the only person in there. Big pharmacy, I go, wife, phone, shitty, diario. I just went all into this whole thing and I didn't realize diario is the same word. Yes. It's banish. So I'm explaining like, Toiletto, Explodo,

Disgustingo and he's like, I don't, I don't, I don't, I go, eventually after 20 minutes I go, Diary and he goes, oh yeah, here you go. Yeah. And it worked. Oh, beautiful. Well, I think it's also because of what you talked about, there's less rules and regulations.

Yes. Because for years, I was in Bulgaria and I had the shits, and I went the same thing, pharmacy, same thing, Bulgaria, diarrhea, and they gave me some shits. Like, this will help. And then it was, I call them Bulgarian poop hills. Anytime I had the shits,

I took one of these Bulgarian poop. A BBP. And it was just done. There you go. And I think, and it was like four bucks. Right. Because they don't have the counters there. You know, like prescription right

It's just one counter. They go here you go. You can get meth Exactly I buy all my Valtrex overseas. Oh You don't need nothing. There you go. So Yeah, real good time had a blast luchilebray. We went to free to Kalos house Who's free to call? She's an artist with Diego Rivera. They were a married couple. Oh, is that a feat? No, that's spain. Okay. What do you do any farting? I dropped a marker. Oh, I see I was having fun playing with it. All right So we got a free to callos. She was made a deal over it. He was a big

Big artist in the field. He did the 30 rock 30 you walk in a 30 rock it's all these I mean, he did the 30 rock. 30? You walking up 30 rock, it's all these mirrors. That's Diego. I was just at 30 rock, I walked by there today. There you go. I tried to do the 30 rock,

but I couldn't do it. But Diego, they were a little power couple, beautiful home. You got to walk through it, you see your wheelchair. She's got a crazy life. She got polio as a kid, lost leg then she got over polio got no car accident wheelchair wow I think I said the leg came back no I wish but she would paint upside down she was bedridden so they show the bed and the wheelchair and the ridden oh that's fun it was fun written house so that was great went the Trotsky's house.

Trotsky. Never him, he's a communist. You look like Trotsky. Good. Isn't he Russian? Yeah. He moved there, he had exiled. Oh, I see.

Communism. No kidding. Real red flag. Has anyone done that? Uh. Communism's a red flag. That's good. No, I don't know.

Somebody must have that. Maybe. I I mean they did the very well red I don't know red flag I'll tweet it. He's a communist. That's a big red flag Somebody's gonna have that maybe maybe help tweet it and get yelled at and kicked out a guy Yeah, took him but And it to the wife we the next night. I would wake up every two minutes and I just heard like Toilet flush toilet flush. She she got no sleep we got on the flight Straight shot back we made it and she ship shape. It's all worth it though Because the next day you feel so good the relief of feeling good again. Yes, when you finally take a nice solid

Balloon animal again, it just feels so good. You're like I'm back 100% It's worth being sick if you get healthy again. Yeah, and she did not miss a beat, so I got a hand at tour. I think these mass people, they're very stoic. She doesn't, she's not like, boooo, I'm in pain of sucks, and she's not making a meal out of it.

And I think that goes back to the bean town roots. Oh, mass. Yes. I think he said, mask. No, that's cute. That's like, great masks. Oh, p.m. And you're like, hey, we got some daylight left. This is pretty good. And just, yeah, had a great time.

And I'm in love with that town. See you dad, Mexico. I always say, if I ran over a kid, could I evacuate and live here and be happy? Like in Mexico. Like in Mexico. Like in hiding. Right. Yeah, I think so. I mean, you don't even have to kill a kid.

You can just get canceled or... Sure. And just live there. I guess so. I think about this all the time. I always want my wife to die or my parents to kill each other. Something big where I'm like, I'm out of comedy. I need to go live in the mountains for a few days and grow a beard and

Children or whatever sure sure. Yeah. Well, where would you go? I mean because you got to go off the grid a little You can't go to like Pittsburgh. I'm talking you got to get out there. Where would you? You'd want to live you might want to go English speaking I'm fond of South America. I spent a bit of time in Peru and Ecuador. I love that. I loved Wales But that feel English speaking is nice. I mean, I think that's all I think about is getting out. Yeah, and I don't know maybe Yeah, Wales, Ireland. Hmm. That's not bad England because the thing I like Paris. I like living Paris living Paris or a nice loft and right novels and South America anywhere but Africa or

East I think Asia would be nice. I like Japan. I'd love to go to Japan Mount Fuji Yeah, food South Korea really be excited about you have the chat of North Korea scary. Oh the missile. Yeah, Kim Jong-un Yikes, okay. Well, yeah, it I highly recommend going, but again, very homogenous. Homos? Eugenus. Everyone is just, everybody's Mexican. There's not a lot of black Asian, Korean. It's just, it's a lot of Mexican.

And, you know, you go to any country and you go, who are your Mexicans? And they go Polish. You know, they fix our shit. They mow the lawn. They're Mexicans or Mexican. Yeah, everyone's Mexican. Yeah, that's wild. And yeah, it's fun.

But I saw a couple of like fuck off gringos. That's what they spray paint. The gringo. And you got to go, ooh, that's about us. Maybe the gringo ate your baby. So yeah, you heard it here first folks. Love me, Kiko. I'm a fan. I text my agent. I said, we're doing a show in Mexico. I'm getting hit up Love meki co. I'm a fan. I'm I text my agent. I said we're doing a show in Mexico

I'm getting hit up on the street. So I'm going back that be nice. Yeah, go down to Mexico City do a show Maybe I'll swing down there with it. We'd love to have you fatty will bring some more bottle water like a prostitute strippers there More than the eye can see all right. Well, that's what I'm looking for these days Mexican I can see. All right. Well, that's what I'm looking for these days. Mexican, Mexican do. Yes. I'll be there. Mexican. Hey, good stripper name. Hey, Mexican. Mexican. I like it. All right. Jump right. All right. Well, we got to wrap this thing up. I got some dates coming up. Where am I? I think I'm in Pekipsi this weekend, Friday, Saturday, Pipsi, laugh it up. Oh, that's a fun one. And of course, comedy mothership February 8th of the 10th, some fun special guest of that.

Then I got Raleigh, Pittsburgh, the Uncle Dale Benefit show coming up, Burlington, Vermont, April 12th, and a bunch of fun dates. So go check those out and check a punch up live.com and sign up for my email list over there and hit up the YouTube, tons of videos on YouTube, the special watch enough for everybody. Sign up for the goddamn Patreon. We are rocking and rolling over there.

It's fun. Oh yeah, and we got some fun stuff cooking. Yeah, we got a lot of food cooking. Yeah, all right, I'm all over the road. Tampa. Love that Tampa going to the Tampa Theater. Uh, that already passed, fuck me. Columbus, Ohio, Indianapolis,

beacon theater. Added a second show. Please God, let's sell that out. Danny at Punch Up is cooking with gas. He's good. He's good. The Lexington Kentucky Charlotte, North Carolina, uh, San Antonio Houston Salt Lake, sit tame, Boise, Idaho, Atlanta,

Georgia and Raleigh, North Carolina. The name of few get on the Patreon, get a mug, get a poster. I'm sure we're sold out of those. We got stuff. Get a shirt. Who knows where that merch buddy's going, but hey, support the show and support your balls. Which are you gonna new shirt the HTB guys? HTB? Yeah, that's who you hook me up with. Hi, the bodies. Hi, the bodies. I thought HTB was a joke we had. Oh, no, I got HTB. All right. well, yeah, thanks folks. You heard it here first. We'll see it. Help check what he got. Speaking of midget wrestling, check out a,

as a new show and discovery channel called Big Little Brawlers that just debuted and I, I was tasked with directing the sizzle and very psyched to go picked up by discovery. That just started like last week. So check it out. And check out my podcast, Fund Barable with comedian Ray Harrington and improv, douche, Brad Roar. Whoa, a lot of fun stuff. Hell yeah. The new episode I'm going to,

I just found out that I got gifted a cabin on the impractical Joker's cruise. Whoa! Whoa, that's big. Hot Duh. So Ray, who has done a ton of international cruises over the past two years gives me the rundown of what I am to expect Although he's in the crew barracks when he like performs Yeah, like it's way different. He's like it's so small. It's insane. Yeah, it's horrible

It's different than being like you know, but it's got fun check it out fun bearable Fun bearable Tuesday's with stories hit up Fun bearable. Tuesdays with stories. Hit up the, uh, the Patreon and follow us and watch the specials YouTube Netflix. Yes. We're all over the place. Come by. Goddamn tickets. See us on the road. That's our bread and melted butter. Yeah. Butter. Please. I remember him. Yeah.

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