Tuesdays with Stories! - #538 Nikki Blazer

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

It's Tuesdays, baby! Mark has a revelation about Carnegie Hall, Joe creates a mini-me for a big dinner at Del Frisco's, and things goes awry. Finally, Mark tells a secret tale about a personal hero. Keep it under your hats!! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Tuesdays with Stories is sponsored by BetterHelp. Support the show & get 10% off your 1 st month of therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose. Whoa! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity. Goo. Goo. Yeah, good, good. What you got a haircut? I did. Yeah, you lookity, giggity. Goo. Goo. Yeah, goo, goo's fun.

What you got a haircut? I did. Yeah, you look well quaffed today. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, you're looking nice, you're looking sharp. They always try to put the product in. I hate product.

Oh, I love product. I don't like it. With curls, it's no good. No bueno. Curls for girls. Yes. No product at all. I don't like it.

It's gooey, it's wacky, and I like a natural floof. Well, don't get a goo. Goo is old. Goo's wacky, and I like a natural floof. Well, don't get a goo. Goo is old, the goo's from the 90s. It's not goo anymore. That guy goes... No, that should be paste. You gotta get a paste. Yeah, paste is good.

I'm all paste, I'm matted paste. Copy and paste, all right. Yeah, the goo is, that's from the 90s. No. We went moose, there was moose. There was bril-cream. Hairspray, and then bril-cream, what are you from the 40s? Yeah, that was 40s, that was like madmen.

That's why their hair's wet. I'm talking in our life. Okay, but the hair's looking good today. Thank you very much. Straight back like you're in a wind tunnel. Well, this is a matted touch. This is like a turtle wax or some shit. Surf wax, surf wax America.

Matted Salicus. You take your car to work, he's Matt of me. Now, why don't you come off with this salad, oh, I see. Surfwax, Surfwax America. Mad and Salicus. You take your car to work, he's mad at me. Now, why don't you come off with this, oh, Salicus. This is Shibu. Great program. Tell me why. I love you like a dude. Tell me who. I don't know. He's using all that goo. I can't find it. Well, you got the wax on you?

Whatever, I thought I had some wax on me. The bath, the baths on the wax, the wax on wax. Wax poetic. But what was I going to say? The wax, the muffins. The product. Turtle wax. Yeah, the goo, the cream, the mousse.

Yes, while there was something else I was going to move on to. Oh, Salicus is upset with me. Oh. Now, where do you come down on this? Because he writes, you haven't responded to me since December, which by the way, at the time of recording this, you have to bleep this because they get mad when we pre-record, but it's January 8th.

Yes. December was eight days ago. That's not crazy. That's true. But so I feel bad, he writes, you haven't responded to me since December. What gives? And I look back and it's literally a GIF, GIF of Gary Busey saying, Utah, get me two. What is that in context, too?

Just random, fun, that's a line I love, I say on the show, so he sends a look, he's thought of me, he wrote a thing. Now keep in mind, I got a 10 week old baby over here, my hair's on fire, my life's upside down, I've slept 80 minutes. Oh, it's all that goo. He didn't say, and poo.

Winnie, he didn't say, Winnie, the poo. Yeah, with an H. H goes a long way. A helicopter. Kobe. That one didn't go a long way. That one went straight down, but didn't go as far as it was supposed to. But... Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sending an animated GIF. Yes, yes. And sometimes you're busy, so you put that thumbs up piece of shit on there, that stamp. Yeah, the stamp. To me, that is almost worse, because you go, yeah,

I saw it move on, blow me. I got no time for you. Well, it's the thing, right? This is often I go, oh, salad cues. The baby's crying or screaming, or I'm on an airplane, or my sister's asshole is in my mouth, whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. So, you know.

I get it. I'm a sensitive Nazi as well. To me, it's all about response. If I get no response on a joke, or a sentence, or a question, or a text, I'm like, ooh. So I get it, but it's a little much. I mean, the guy is a 71-year-old man. Well, I think he's just trying to get the dialogue going and I feel bad

I love Salacus and I was thinking about Salacus. Yes just yesterday. I should have texted it because I was thinking about him I was watching some stuff he filmed and thinking boy. I gotta yell at this man. Hey, born No, I'm kidding. I was thinking about him about some other projects. So but anyways, he's upset, but yes We went from moose To hairspray to gel. Yes. Or vice versa, somewhere in those, cause the moose was white. Yeah, it was almost like cheese whiz can.

Exactly, Dowl Johnson, another white moose football player. Oh, hey, nice. But yeah, there was like the, exactly like the cheese whiz. Yes, yes, and then there's chocolate moose. Oh, that's a dessert. Yeah, but it's similar in that swirly dog poo fashion. Let me just say this though about the texting and all that,

because I had a night off the other day. Sure. And you know, that's rare for me. But I'll tell you, when you take stand-up out of my life, I am sad, bored, and gay. Yeah. And you got a lot of times, so Salcuse has no act. He's got no stand up.

So I'm sitting at home at 8.30 and I'm like, who can I text? And I think that's what he's doing and he's waiting for a response. But when I have shows, I'm like, why are these people texting me? I'm running around, I'm flying, I'm performing, I'm writing, I'm shaking hands and babies.

Yeah, it's a weird thing, because when you, I sound like Cosby. But yeah, a lot of times I think people, because I see ads in the subway and stuff that says like, philosophy course, 10 week program. Yeah. Or whatever, it's always like 7.30 PM. Wednesday, Friday, I'm like 7.30 PM.

Yes. Oh, most people are working from 7 till 5. That's their magic time right there is that late night. So yeah, they go play volleyball at eight PM or they go whatever. You see those cum guzzlers playing kickball and then they go drink at the bar with their dumb uniforms on.

Yeah, that's good. That's a good life. I'm thinking about giving it all up in Washington. Yeah, I don't know. Doesn't feel right. Doesn't sit well. Yeah, nobody's sitting well with anybody but I'd fly back for the pod. Two bears, one asshole, does it? Yeah, but that feel right. Doesn't sit well. Yeah, nobody sits well with anybody, but I'd fly back for the pod.

Two bears, one asshole, does it? Yeah, but that's a three hour excursion and it's private. You're going to be on a delta of comfort. They call it a PJ. You ever see that clips? I've seen that, yeah. You see the clip of Kerry Kittles and the other guy? Hey, B&J, no.

Who's Kittles? Well, it's George Kittle, the football player, and then the other JJ Watt. And the guy says, hey, is your grandmother really 100 today? And he's like, yeah, she's in the crowd. I flew her out on a PJ to come see the game. And they're like waving to the grandmother. And that's how they talk in the big leagues.

I've heard the PJ. I never heard PJ. I don't even wear PJs. Pearl Jam. But yeah, so I Forgot what I was gonna say Washington moving. Oh, yeah Oh, just saying yeah with all that free time like women do that You know remember we used to date and women's like what are we doing tonight?

I'm like well, I got 17 shows and a handjob and I don't have time for you I'll meet you at noon, but I work at noon. Well, that's on you. Yeah, it's your job. Well, that's what is weird now with having a child is like either I got a spot or she's got a spot. There's no water. Water, sorry. Ice and Oat. Ice, no.

One ice, one no, that's one tuck. One no tuck. No chuck. Yay, we can only hope. But I got a nugget for ya. Denver? I wish. Chicken. But, uh...

There's no pod better than this. No, this is it, baby. Cufftown's out. He sent me a clip. I'm like on the floor laughing. I've never laughed so hard in my life. That's a great clip. I should listen to the show more often.

It's a good show. It's pretty funny. This is the show. We're not changing it, right? So speaking of text oh boy Text book I On my night off. I said all right. Well, I got this night off. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm fidgety. I'm agitated I got to get out. That's my whole life. I know I I can't imagine, yeah. So, at least you got a baby to poke Jerkoff and look at.

This is, I'm just sitting there with just scrolling through bullshit, YouTube, social media, Jerkoff, whatever. And you're not a big sports guy. Yes. Sports is nice, cause you're like, a hockey game. I know. I'll sit here. I like UFC, but I've seen all of it up to where we're at

and there was no fight that night. happen Tuesday night at 7 o'clock Exactly, so I go let me do everything. I've been putting off and one of those things is The big Jew Seinfeld oh my goodness Well, you got me all switched up inside got my head. You got my head with the Nate Barghatsi. They're on the phone. He's twirling the cord. He's got hair things in there. You know, he's got a bathrobe on, and he's giggling,

and all that. So I said, let me set up a little breakfast. All right, here we go. But again, this is a risk. You know, he's a busy man. I could get rejected. Sure. You don't want to get rejected.

Plus, he's got Barghatsi. She's just better than you in busy man. I could get rejected. Sure. You don't want to get rejected plus. He's got Barghetti She's just better than you in every way. I know I know he's clean. He's rich He's he's you know got kids and he's got a hair swoop full head of hair He's got a hell of a golf swing. He's got product. Yeah, he's religious friends with Eddie Vedder and Jason day and the other guy. Yes, buddy's with Sandler. Crazy, crazy. It's a different playing field or whatever the term is.

You're nothing. Um, shit. So it's a gamble, texting with the king sign here. So then I go, well, let me check his Instagram. Maybe I can get some clues. Is he in town? Is he out of town? This is what dating's like.

I know, I know, I'm just trying to fuck this guy. So he's in Israel, does a whole bunch of shit in Israel like to be pro whatever and kill Hamas and he's blowing Netanyahu or whatever. Nice. Then he goes to Tokyo with his family. Yeah, he's in Tokyo using chopsticks and all that and doing karate.

And I'm like, oh man, this guy's on the move. Then he's opening with Gaffigan out there in the arenas in the middle of who knows where. So he doesn't have time. He's talking to Bargatze six hours a day, according to you, so he's got no time for this, Quiefe. But I said, I need to keep this going. You're his Salicus.

100%. Yeah, he's not responding. So I put his number in, you know, I put his name in, and all of our old texts, and I start reading all of them. I mean, this is how psychotic it gets. Oh boy. And there's some pretty nice stuff in there. There's some real moments and some friendship and all that and I just said fuck it and I go

Let me text Hamilton Ryan. Yes. Thank you. Chuck. Thank you, sir one Chuck one note Chuck so uh I took a lot of those we got dinner we got breakfast the other night I go how'd you do it? He goes I just texted me. Hey, so you on the road you want to get breakfast? And he said how about right, I'm outside your apartment. What? So he was, they lived so close that he was just like, I'm around.

You gotta move up there. I know, I might. Makes more sense. So I just said, hey, you on the road, breakfast? Lot to talk about. Mm. Nothing. Ah.

Iced tea. So I go, oh, you see, what was I thinking, Texan? It's too late, it's too early, it's a bad day, it's the wrong day, he's busy, I'm out, he's in. Seven hours later. Okay, that's not so crazy. Is it? I've been 12 days with Salibus. That's true.

Okay. Uh. Salibus. Love to. Whoa. Been in Tokyo and Israel and on the road, so been a little slam, but next week I'm in. There you go. I'll take it. So you go to Israel, Tokyo, Normanland. Yes, that's pretty good. Normandy. Yeah, there it is. Yep, that's the one. Storm the beaches. So I'm in, but I'll keep you posted. That's next week.

Keep us posted. I've already texted the queues, unlike you, and I got a paparazzi situation all mapped out. He's got a big bush costume with the fucking lens sticking out. Yeah, well, I'm gonna throw a shoe at him. He's gonna be in a mailbox like Ace Ventura. Yeah. Because we botched the other one. I think I can tell the a shoe at him. He's giving me a mailbox like Ace Ventura.

Yeah. Because we botched the other one. I think I can tell the story at this point. It's been long enough. Oh, did you cut the story? No, I kept it, but I put it only on the Patreon. It's like after the second hour. Alright, well.

It was from live at Gramercy. I'll tell that story later then, because it's a long one. But yeah, Salak is gonna, I'm gonna get him in the restaurant and then go piss or something. That's pretty good. Because the sidewalk's no good. Right. The restaurant is too high up.

And Salak use is about four foot three, so he can't get to the window. And you never thought to say, what if we just get a photo together? Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say. I guess I could do that. Yeah. Well, you have the other photo together. Yeah, but Nate got the photo. Nate's got a guy just, they're both doing this in the booth.

He's got Pimp. You gotta get homeless Pimp. I got homeless Salicus. He looks homeless, but you can't just hire Pimp and go, hey, sit in that other booth and wait till I say take a photo. Well, I'm just saying Nate has Pimp. That's what you took that photo, I assume.

I don't know, I think it was a waiter. Oh, maybe. Pimp might be a waiter. He's lost quite a few gigs lately. That's true. That's a good point. Maybe we can get him. Ooh.

See you later, Chuckster. I'm kidding, his pants are too weird. He does have odd outfits. P's a great guy though great guy But he dresses like a like a V of MTV VJ in the 90s. He really does Yes, yes, he's Kennedy. That's funny tap of the soren MTV news You hear it first hurt loader here who's 85 years old Kurt first. Kurt Loder here. Who's 85 years old?

Did we talk about that one? Even as a kid, I was like, why is this old geezer boomer cunt on my news on MTV? Yeah, I don't know. It should have been like LL Cool J, you know, bebop with his way in there. I'm so blown away by ages now. I know we talk about it all the time. I mean, like, Tom Petty was 28 in the Traveling Willbaries. I think George Harrison was 14.

It's like crazy. Crazy, crazy. He was on Epstein's Island. I think Petty was actually 37 during traveling Willberies. No. They were all in their 40s and shit. I know this Vivek was Sramar-Hur-Mah-Hama. Yeah.

M. Night Shyamalan, he's 38. He's younger than me, and he's running for president. Yeah, but you could run for president. No. You're more successful than him. He's a biotech nerd Indian. Well, whatever, he sucks. But yeah, I mean, Kennedy was president

when he was, I think, 39 or 43, 42, maybe, 40 something. He was handsome. Bad back, handsome guy. That's funny. We keep doing these things like Clinton's a creep and Kennedy fucked all these women and what's up with these men? You're like, can we just agree that men like that?

I mean, we have to be surprised by every guy who's like, oh, he was horny as shit. Right, right. Yeah, that's nature, I don't know. Men are horny. I'm not saying it's right, but we're horny. Yeah, I think so, but I think Clinton might be a rapist. Oh, yeah, real rapey dude. That's nature, I don't know. I don't say it's right, but we're horny. Yeah, I think so. But I think Clinton might be a rapist. Oh, that's different.

That's different. Yeah, a real rapist-er, but I like him. He's pretty charming. He's got a sex. He talks like this. Sex on the beach. So that's fun. But maybe he's not also.

I don't know. I wasn't there. What the hell do I know about cooking a shirt? Baping money. Any for it, smooths, hairspray, gel, matted, jizz. Maybe you should try it. Next time you meet Seifel for breakfast, just put a little swoop in there.

Too risky. I don't want to blow it with the bad hair. I get up, we had breakfast at 9.45 we met and I got up at eight, did 17 push ups, did my taxes, crossword puzzle, showered, and went over there. Now speaking of Jerry, have you seen the Gullman special? I have.

It really blew my asshole right out of the water. I think he's number one still for 20 years of thought this. Uh. I love the Gull. I like the Gull too, I think he's one of the best writers, but I did think it was weird he had a Pop-Tart bit. Ah, cause Simon had a Pop-Tart bit. Yeah, and I think he's not a fan. But they're different enough. No, I'm not saying, yeah, they're different, but I did think it was weird at a pop tart bit. Uh, cause Syphil on a pop tart bit. Yeah. And I think he's not a fan, but they're different

enough. No, I'm not saying. Yeah, they're different, but well, I think the bit about Syphil though is he's just saying he's not that much better than me. A billion dollar thing. Oh, right? It's like the scale, but boy, I was watching it and I was giggling and laughing and had my little toes up in the air and he is Underrated he's that's how I feel easily one of the best joke writers out there and no one's like him He's very original. He's fun. He's he's a killer streaming on max. It's called Fuck what's it called misfit now? That's the book the book is misfit. Yeah, I get his book Conan produced it. Can I get a Google on what the comments new misfit. Oh, yeah, get his book. Conan produced it. Can I get a Google on what the Colman's new special is called?

Oh, I know what it is. Born on 3rd. Yay. That's what it's called. It's the ladies got a great bit about people, for lack of a better word. He's like, that's what upper echelon people say, for lack of a better term. He's like, blue collar people, we go, ah. He's got a few jokes like that that are just gold. I love that joke. He's like, blue collar people, we go, ah. He's got a few jokes like that that are just gold.

I love that joke. He's like, we're Jewish, you know, my family's Jewish. We come over, oh, interesting sect of Jew called poor. Yeah. I love that. He is very good. I love him and one of my favorites ever, ever, ever. First comic I saw live.

And I was like, this is my favorite comedian and has remained so for almost twenty five years that's rare and a dear friend good guy yeah i went to a random comedy shows eighteen years old walked up to the comedy connection and i was a steph walsh my previous girlfriend two three previous girlfriends go this twenty five years ago obviously and uh... we were together and we were eighteen or just turned eighteen and i

said i'm gonna do comedy here one day And the woman that was there her name is Dana I didn't know at the time we became friends because I started working there and she was like okay well Mike's Monday, and I go what's going on here tonight? Is there a show tonight? And she goes yeah, it's uh, and they call it like comics come home or local comics Because Gullman was living in New York but performance. She was like it's a guy named Gary Gullman and featuring is Chris Murphy Oh, and I said give me two tickets. Hit me with two. They're 15 bucks each in New York, but performance. She was like, it's a guy named Gary Gullman and featuring is Chris Murphy. Oh, wow. And I said, give me two tickets.

Hit me with two, they're 15 bucks each. Wow. Saturday night we went in and Gullman, I was like, it was mind blowing. Cause at that point, you'd only really seen the big, you'd seen like Elaine Boosler, Cosby, Colin Gallagher. Sure.

And that was the first time seeing like a young, he was probably, I don't know 20 30 or something Yeah, 28 29 and you're like he just had these jokes that I was like what the fuck is this? Well, you saw one of the good comics early most people see Aside from the carlins in the TV ship most people see the road hack coming right down You got to see the guy I think I've told the story before but then he came back like a year later And I was just so enamored with this man that I think I've told this story before, but then he came back like a year later

and I was just so enamored with this man that I was like, I bought tickets to three of his five shows. Whoa! I thought he was like Pearl Jam. I was like, I gotta see him. And I remember Lamont Price, my good buddy. Oh yeah.

He was like, he's a big black guy. He was like, he's like, you bought three tickets? You mind if I? He's like, he's gonna be at every show all week. And I was like, what? What is this? And he's like, he'll do every he lives here. He's like he's gonna be at every show all week and I was like what what is this? Yeah, and he's like he'll do every he lives here. He's like from here He's gonna be on every show hilarious and so literally every single night Gollum showed up and did 30 minutes and I spent 45 dollars my life saving sure sure and I sure was the same stuff over and over

Yeah, and you and Lamont's like you bought ticket. You know, bought tickets? You don't buy tickets, you work here, you're a comedian. Oh, well, he's just supporting. Yeah, but it was awesome and Galman mixed it up a lot and then we became friends, which was crazy and mind blowing. That's one of the great things about comedy, as you see with the Seinfeld text, the guys you look up to, you can eventually meet, which I don't think musicians have that.

Who would have ever thought you and me would be on a PJ with CK? Woo! I mean, is that unbelievable? Okay. I mean, now at this point, there's real, it's only for me, Larry and Jerry, and I've been in the same room as Jerry,

I brought him on stage and I danced next to him at Quinn's wedding and I embarrassed myself in front of him at Quinn's one man show. Sure. But other than like, and Larry David's not really a, hasn't been a stand up in 30 years or 40 years Whatever it is 30, but other than that. It's like who haven't we met? I met Larry All right. Well, like who is there anybody that you haven't?

Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy. Yeah, I met Karlin Karlin, I know I mean it was a way to the line for a half hour Slightly different because it's a book. I'm talking like professionally. Yeah, you know you see and you're like, oh, they know who you are You know what they are cuz it's like I'm with you fatty. I mean think Louie Rock Bert this rock room with rock ship have over Chappelle Chappelle the biggest Kelly. Yes. Yes David tell we know we have his phone number. He texted me at four in the morning. Do you got anything on Midget Come? I'm like, ah, not yet.

I mean, half of these people that you see them calling, you're like, Jesus. That's the crazier part. That's what's fascinating. Bill Burr and all these people. These people are like promoting our specials. Wild. Wild, yeah, I know.

If you look at my texting, It's like Sam Arill you Rogan Seinfeld Shanguilless, you know, it's crazy. I'm a little even norm. It's crazy Unbelievable whatever happened to that guy he passed away Who else is I guess some of the bigger black acts I don't know Cosby yeah, you don't want to know him That'd be a bad night. Who else? Pryor. Murphy, Pryor's dead.

Murphy's a big one. He's up on an ivory tower. No one gets to touch Murphy. But he has been a standup comic in 75 years. Even Sailor I met. Oh yeah, good point, good point. I know, for me it all kind of hit me in the dick when I did the, I did Carnegie Hall with Jimmy Carr.

And then it's like, Louis's there, Jeff Ross is there, Apatow is there, Seth Meyers is there, and you're like, oh wow, I'm like, first of all I met Carnegie Hall, which is insane. Yes. I didn't sell a ticket, but he did. And then I'm opening for this guy who I like, and I'm just canoodling with all these fucking big wigs.

It was a little wacky. By the way, you could do Carnegie Hall. Isn't that, two beacons is smaller than Carnegie Hall. Can we get a reading on that? I mean, Carnegie's what, 4,035? Five, that's a five, yeah. Beacons 27. Yeah, times two is 54.

There you go. How big's Carnegie? Less than 54, I would bet. 48, I'm gonna say. Do you wanna take a guess? I just did would bet. 48 I'm gonna say. Oh jeez. Do you want to take a guess? I just did. But do you think that was... 4800.

Very specific. 4861. Well now I'm gonna go 35, cause... 3671. Yeah, so you're bigger than Carnegie Hall. You could do two Carnegie Halls. Oh you're blowing my tits right into my chest. But I heard it's not that great of a room.

I've heard the same. And... Jimmy Carr told me he's like, Beacon's better, you get a better cut. Ah, I'm a big cut. Because Carrie's got the name. Oh, wait a minute. Carnegie Hall has 3,671 seats divided among three auditoriums.

The largest one is the Stern Auditorium, which is only 2,804 seats. There you go. So yeah, I think so. That is the, Carnegie's very sexy. It's not like you couldn't do Carnegie Hall. Yes, that's true.

Okay, well you just made my dick get hard. All right, well now this is something. We really did something, but anyways, I got a couple stories. Please, please. Not much of a story. Lay it on me, Fanny. But a couple things, by the way, we had a big stories. Please, please. Not much of a story. Lay it on me, Fanny. But a couple things.

We, by the way, we had a big juicy riff going about the jinks and the last dance and how they're the greatest things ever made. Oh, shoot, guys. And the cards shipped the bed. We had a great opening. Yeah, we really were cooking, and then the pot overflowed. But anyways, I'll just say this. The last dance and the jinks, I watched them on repeat that the two best docuseries ever created ever

and they fucking are amazing and I can't stop watching them. Can I say something about the last dance? Cause I think the Jinx is amazing and I've seen it seven times. But the last dance, first of all, a lot of people had a problem with the out of orderness. I love the out of orderness. I don't mind it either, but a lot of people had trouble with that.

I love the out of orderness. The thing I like the least is the 1998 stuff. There's too much of that. I'm like, I get it. You're in the locker room. Get out of here. Give me the past. Well, 1998.

Well, it's all past, but that was shot in the present. Ah. Thing. I got it. I was least interested in the whole, because that was just the regular season they were walking around. Okay.

That was my least favorite part. But I didn't mind the jump around. I like the jump around. And then the other part people had a problem with was Jordan produced it. So he got to kind of cherry pick. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I love Jordan.

I love, he can do no wrong. Like I could come in my face while I was sleeping, Cosby asked and I'd be like, you're the best. Well, I mean, that is your make-a-wish. So they can't really use that, but I hear you. Yeah, I mean, but they were critical of him at times and maybe they could have done other stuff, but there was so much raw emotion and it brought me back and he's my fucking favorite and I loved it. He is the guy. I think he set that bar for how much you got to practice,

competitiveness, how good you could be. I love those old clips of Kobe trying to get little nuggets of wisdom out of him on the sidelines. And then you get Kobe, then you get LeBron. And it just keeps going. Yeah. But you needed the first guy. You also have Jordan broken and sad that his life is a mess.

And he's like, ah, I could have been a better person, but I knew what it took to win. That was exciting. All that stuff is great. And the fact that this guy, you just look at him like, oh, he's God-like. Like, oh, he must be great to be this way, but he's so hard on himself.

He's miserable, he's depressed, he's drunk, he's on eight cigars a day. Doesn't seem pleasant, his eyes all red, but he's the best. And man, I just want to have a cigar and a whiskey and talk about the old days. Did you see air? Yeah, I saw air. I liked it.

It was fine. All right. Just felt like a little cheese balls. Yeah, it's kind of a TV movie, but I still enjoyed it. That's how I felt, yeah. It was some fun. There was just jokes that were like, wow, I hate jokes. I hate this kind of joke.

Do we talk about this on the show? I talked about it somewhere. I hate jokes that are like built on like, there are movies that take place in the past and so they say a thing that is gonna happen obviously. Nobody wants to hear what Charles Barkley thinks on TV. Everybody get it? Yeah, yeah. It is on TV, everybody get it?

It is on TV now, I just hate like, where you can make a retroactive movie, a Blackberry. No one wants a phone in their pocket, I can tell you that right now. Hardy Har Har. Right, it's funny, I think everyone else loves those. I'm with you, because it's a little spoon fed, wink at the camera, but I think everybody else is like,

it's like when they say the title of the movie in the movie. Exactly. Everybody's like oh You're like I know well, that's why it's they named the movie. I say it all the time the worst Fender of that. I've probably told this on the podcast Dan Belger and I both burst out laughing We're just like gone baby gone and it's like the Jamaican gangster He's like you bet the shape up or ship out or you're gonna be gone, baby Gone like everyone. We were like He's like, you bet the shape up or ship out. Or you're going to be gone, baby. Gone. We were like, oh, there it is. Oh, that's a funny.

Great film, stinky title reveal. There you go. Anyways, so Christmas just passed six months ago. Yes, yes, Salakie's mentioned that. And so I thought I'd do for my niece and nephew. I thought, you know, I don't want to go out and find a gift. And you don't want to go, what do you think? What do they like?

And I hate gift giving. That's where the person just says, this is what I want. Ah, I hate that. Just give me this, because it just feels so cold. It's an order. Yes, exactly, because I'm like, well, why don't you buy what you want, I'll buy what I want and then we'll just fuck.

Hey, that's a life. That's a marriage right there. You wanna think outside the box and hit them with something fuck. Hey, that's a life. That's a marriage right there. You want to think outside the box and hit them with something nice. Like Taco Bell. So, but then, you know, I've been busy with the kid and the travel and the shit and my life's upside down and my sister's assholes in my mouth still.

So I thought, my niece's nephew, I go, you know what, I'm gonna take, I thought about taking my nephew to a Celtics game. It's like 400 bucks a ticket. I gotta move to Washington, so I gotta save some cash. So I go, I don't do all, take him to a nice steak dinner. Okay, now we're cooking. You know, the family's very blue collar.

You know, no one has any money. So I'm like, I got a little dough. I'll take the kids out. They don't get to eat a nice steak dinner. I'm gonna take them to Del Frisco. Woo! Now you know me, I love a the kids out. They don't get to eat a nice steak dinner. I'm gonna take them to Del Frisco. Woo! Ah! Now you know me, I love a Del Frisco.

Oh, hey San Francisco. Which I still think we should go sometime for a lot, but Sam Poo Poo'd. I'm down, I like a nice meaty ribeye. Remember we all went for steaks in Vancouver? No. Vancouver. That was when I first got sober,

we all did the festivals. You, me, Viter, Hanley, we were for a big steak dinner. That was when I first got sober, we all did the festivals. You, me, Viter, Hanley, we were for a big steak dinner. Derek was there. Was that with Maria Bamford? I don't think she came to steak. That wasn't a mistake. She bought us a different dinner, but we went to steak. Maybe Bamford came.

Lynch? Lynch was there. Okay, it's all coming back to me. Boy, it's a lot of blur out there. Big steak dinner. Fancy steakhouse. Ah. It was a long time ago, 11 years ago.

How many? 11. Whoa. Coming up on 11. Isn't that wild? Come a long way. Yeah, we sure have. You were about to do Conan for the first time.

Remember? It was crazy. That's right. You had Conan like the next week, we were all like, what the fuck? This is crazy. We were pushing each other into the bushes, it was wild. And then Sam and Phil had a little rift Sam and Phil were beefing. Yes, I just got sober Mark

Marin was there. Yes, there was there Peter there. Yes. Yes Pete Holmes And that was where we revealed Hanley's house that he grew up was like a fucking skyscraper glass window thing Wow That was a wild time. It was wild and boy it was fun. Bamford hung out with us. We were just running around. 11-year-boys flying. Flies by. But that also feels like 50 years ago too. Sure. But anyways we all went to steak but so I said I'm gonna take the kids out to Del Frisco's. I love it. Get a nice juicy steak, a nice experience. We'll get dressed up. Hey Underrated dressing up really adds to the whole mood. That's why I did it today. Sure So we go to Del Frisco's now. They have a strict dress code. Don't you know that?

I found out recently Sarah and I were in Philly and we were about to have the baby So we said let's go to Del Frisco get ourselves a nice steak But they have the baby making some good dough shows are sold out We went there and I had a hoodie, like a nice hoodie, like a zip up-y fucking, whatever hoodie. Okay. Nice-ish, clean. Do they do the thing where they go, we have a blazer? Here for you. For you, not for me the blazer.

Okay, cause some restaurants, you show up and they go, hey, your jacket's required, you're like, I don't have a jacket, we have one for you. Yeah, they didn't offer that. That's a nice move. Nicky blazer. Aha. So they go, you don't have a jacket. Like we have one for you. Yeah, they didn't offer that. That's a nice move. Nikki Blazer. Yeah. So I go, they go, you can't wear the hood.

And I go, oh, fuck. We walked all the way down here at the time. I go, OK, well, I'll take the hoodie. I go, I got a t-shirt underneath. Does that work? And they go, yeah, that's fine. It's a cheap trick t-shirt. Literally, is this cheap?

It's this cheap trick 50 times. You know, their logo. I'm like, can I wear this? They're like, absolutely. That's a silly rule. It's this cheap trick 50 times. You know, their logo, I'm like, can I wear this? They're like, absolutely. That's a silly rule. It just feels weird because like a hoodie, you know, a muffin can be very filling. A hoodie can be okay, I think.

Sure, yeah, hoodies, I mean, it's come around as a like, Mark Cuban walks around in a hoodie, you know? But I think in Philly, maybe there's, I don't know, there's racial undertones. They don't want people showing up with, you know, hoods on. It's funny how those lists, they don't hold back. They're pretty egregious. They're like, no Timberlands, no Jordans, no black people.

Dude, I looked up the Del Frisco. It literally is like, no gold chains, no sportswear, no sagging pants, no untied shoes. It's like, pretty on the nose. Yeah, exactly, exactly. No slang, no gold teeth, no gun. No. Yeah, there's a lot there.

And so anyways, I just wore like a rock and roll t-shirt. But so I was like, all right, I know they enforced the dress code. So let me check. And it's strict. All the things we just said, I asked my nephew. He's 15. I go, you got pants and a shirt, he's on the basketball team,

they must dress up game day, and he's like, I don't have a single pair of pants, I don't have jeans. What? They wear, I have a bit about it, they wear exclusively sweatpants, these kids. Oh yeah, it's a different era, I mean, this, this stuff. Yeah, even this is probably too fancy. Wow.

So I'm like, what about a dress shirt? He's like, don't have one. What. So I'm like what about a dress shirt? He's like don't have one. What I'm like, what do you do if you have to dress up? He's like, I've never dressed up funeral wedding Church, I think they rent. I don't know Wow You can't you word Papa daddy? Is that a rapper or a pizza chain? But yeah, my whatever I got either a suit I go to dad Well, I think his dad is bigger than him and the divorce and all that, I don't know.

You seem big. So I went, all right, well, we'll figure something out. So my mother and I, we go to Target, Target. Sure. And I go, I'm gonna get myself, not myself, I'm gonna get this kid a shirt and pants. This is great. You're like Brewster's millions.

So you're taking these kids out? Well, it's Target. I mean, you can find a shirt for 12 bucks. I know, but where's Papa Daddy on this? This is his role, you're gonna feed the kid, you're gonna close the kid, what else are you gonna do, tuck him in and blow him? Well, there's a whole other bag of hammers going on over there. Okay, apparently.

So, there's a child abuse. So we go to Target, I'm with my mom and you know we buy some stuff for the baby and some panties. I go over to the men's section and I find a little like a, it's like a knockoff Ted Baker, 24 bucks. Okay. I'll show you the photo. It's like a blue shirt. And by the way, I always wear these Ted Bakers for late night, which is like $175 pair of threads. You buy a Target shirt, you can feel the difference. Oh oh really I was all red and itchy my nipples fell off I was bleeding it's like it's sandpaper it's like crunching I can't form to you yes yes it says UPS on the side so I buy the shirt and I see it is a large that's for me because I didn't I didn't pack a

dress shirt so I see another one same shirt I go, I'm getting this for him. It'll be hilarious. Well, I've matched your shirts. That's adorable. How old is this kid? 15. Okay, perfect. So I go, this is gonna be funny.

So then I found some atleisure pants, bottom those, throw those in the cart. I go, here's your outfit, buddy boy. We're going steakhouse. Yeah, we are. So I show him the shirts and I'm like, how good is this? And he's like, where are we going again? And shirts and I'm like how good is this and he's like Where where are we going again? And I realized this isn't a funny bit to he's 15. He's in high school. He's a hot kid He's fucking all the cheerleaders. Yeah. Yeah, he's like no clothes, but yeah, that's what they wear

They were so he's like I don't want to go to a restaurant dressed as my uncle He's got a point and I was in the bathroom thinking like in my mind This is a hilarious bit and then I'm pissing and I'm like, oh, this isn't funny to him. No, no. If someone sees him, he's gonna be like, we look like ass, to me, that's funny. It's dumb and dumber.

Yes. Exactly. And, but he's like, this is awful. Yeah. I'm like, my uncle is making me go to a steakhouse dressed as him. I'm with the kid. And I'm thinking, I made a feature film.

I've been on the Tonight Show. He's never heard of either of these things. He wants to dress like me. And I'm like, this is going to be hilarious. But he's like, you're a fucking old loser with bad teeth. Yeah, yeah. And I don't even, I'm a vegetarian. I don't want to go to a steakhouse.

As kids perceptive. So he puts on the shirt and he's like, I'll put my hoodie on over it, I'll take it off when we have to and I'm like this. All right, so now I'm just torturing the kid. Yeah, cause you gotta think back to his point of view. You know, that's, we forget what it's like to be a teen. All they care about is acceptance and cool and fitting in.

And I'm from the 90s. So I'm like, you got yourself a dress shirt from Target and a pair of athleisure pants. You're gonna look like the money, like the bomb. No, it looks like an athole. He's like, I'm athole. So he's like, I want to be in my sweatpants. That's what's cool. Yeah. So he looks like a dick. I look like an asshole. Now, Del Frisco's is downtown Boston. My parents live in Whitman. That's about a 45 minute drive. There's some traffic. It's

like a 48 minute drive with traffic. Okay. Now there's another Del Frisco's, which I'm usually opposed to. It's in Westwood mass. What's that, the Burbs? It's the Burbs about 30 minutes away next to the train station.

Okay, so you're going past the city to the suburbs. It's kind of like West. Got it. All suburbs. And I like, I to go to the city So you feel like this is a city experience. Yes going out, but You got the baby. It's raining. You're gay and the parking is gonna be a thing Exactly and one way is 48 minutes the other way is 33 minutes. Oh, you're like what save

Whatever that is 14 15 minutes and the Bean Town one's gonna have a wait. So I go, you know what? We'll just go to the suburb. I don't like it, it's newer and it doesn't feel as classy, but no, and everyone, you gotta read the room. Sarah's like, can we just please go to the fucking suburb? I go, all right, all right, we'll go to the suburb.

I don't love it. So we drive out there, we're having a million laughs, we're dressed to shame. My asshole's boy said shame, that was Freudian. Dressed that's the shame is he does he get the bit even though? I know he doesn't like it does he get it I think he was like that's funny and then the reality sets in we're just two assholes dressed the same Yeah, I have this say you ever do a man on the street You're like this is a great idea for a man on the street

And then when you're standing there in Bryant Park with a microphone, you're like I'm bothering these people But on paper, it's a great. It's a great gag And then when you're standing there in Bryant Park with a microphone, you're like, I'm bothering these people. But on paper, it's a great gag. Yes, exactly. I've had exactly that same thing. And it's, you know what it reminded me of? It's like on Halloween night, when you're coming home, you see couples fighting as like Wolverine

and Miss Daisy or whatever. Yeah, Miss Piggy. Exactly. And it's just a guy in a Batman mask being like, I never loved you. Yeah. And you're like, oh, they look like assholesgy. Exactly. And it's just a guy in a Batman mask being like, I never loved you. And you're like, oh, they look like assholes now. Right. Or the next morning after the walk of shame,

you're dressed as Kermit or whatever. Yeah, yeah, a cock monster. So anyways, I think he gets it, but he's embarrassed because he's a kid. So we're driving there. We pull up to Westwood, it sells Del Frisco's Grill. Oh, shit, what is that, like LGBTQA?

I don't know what the grill means. I don't know, but I'm like, Del Frisco's Grill. I don't like the sound of it, because I've seen Taco Bell Express, you know, or there's some kind of twist. Exactly, so I go, Del Frisco's Grill. I don't remember ever seeing Grill there. Yeah, I don't like Grill.

And I'm like, that feels a little different. Yes, yes. So immediately I'm like, I already was self-conscious that we're not going to the city, we're going to the bullshit one. It pulls up and it says Del Frisco's Grill and I'm like, that seems different and just like the lighting and the look looks a little different. Because it's a classy joint. The original. The original. Double Eagle, whatever that means. Double Eagle.

Yeah, could you look up what that means? I think that's like a military term. Yeah, what does Double Eagle? Chuck, can you look up Double Eagle Steakhouse? What does that mean? You think it's a Michelin? It's Michelin. Michelin's different.

That's a tire. Ah, that's a tire. What does Double Eagle Steakhouse mean? Worry about your tire. First goes Double Eagle Steakhouse. Yeah. I mean? You gotta worry about your attire. Frisco's double-legal steakhouse? Yeah. I mean, it looks like it's just regular. Uh-oh, how does it say the single-legal?

Yeah, what's the eagle ranking? What's double-legal mean? It doesn't say that. It says it's like part of the name. Oh. It says Frisco's double-legal steakhouse as the title on Google. What does it mean something? Can you look up what does double-leg legal mean as it pertains to steak houses?

Yeah. Fuck. The legal, legal. Well, anyways, while you're looking that up, it says Del Frisco's grill. Then we get out of the car and I'm like, I'm holding out hope. Don't worry. Maybe they're all grills.

I never noticed the grill. Fuck me. Then there's like an African-American gentleman with a hoodie and the saggy pants and the thing. He's walking in ahead of us. And I go, boy, this is going to be awkward because they are going to throw this guy out and it's going to feel racial. Even though it's not racial, I'm like telling my niece and nephew, you know, they're like, you know, very woke kid.

They're different generations. So I'm like, just brace yourself. This is not racial. I've been thrown out for having a hoodie. They're going to fucking DJ Jaz a hoodie. They're gonna fucking DJ Jazzy Jeff. They're gonna hit him with a double legal fork and toss him. So he goes in and I'm watching, waiting for him to get thrown out and cause a scene. No throw out. It doesn't come out. And I go, huh. It should say Delfriz goes urban because you're at the other one. Yes, so we walk in and I'm like,

I gotta get thrown out. We walk in, families everywhere, bright lights, hoodies, as far as the eye can see. Galore. Hoody, hoody, back, there's one here with a backwards baseball cap. Lousy with hoodies. Gold chain, there's a guy really with red sweatpants

and a t-shirt You're at the source awards guy as a Larry bird Jersey over there Is that cat Williams I see over there. It's just no dress code. What's right? I took him to some shit knockoff bullshit. I took him to TGI Fridays a grill grill. There was grills in there We're wearing grills. Now I'll say this, it's still a $75 steak, same steak. Okay. All that stuff, we still got a bone in

and everything, they looked at the menu and they were like, oh these are the prices? You can't, what the hell? All right. So I still got him a quality meal. And it was, it did taste good. Oh, it's unbelievable. Okay, great.

It's killer, it's double eagle for God's sakes, but. Whatever that is. Still, it was, everyone had sweatpants Eagle for God's sakes, but. Whatever that is. Still, it was, everyone had sweatpants. I bought the shirt for no reason. Now he was thrilled, cause he kept the hoodie on over the shirt. Okay, it's a win. So that was a win for him.

They got stakes. It took photos. It was very exciting, but it just didn't have the dim light. The other one, they have the tablecloth with the scooper. There was no scooper. Yeah, I love a scoop. And this is just a regular waitress,

just like, hi, I'm Sue, I'm your waitress. You want a steak or what? You want the highfalutin broad who's been doing it for 40 years who's kind of hot. With the tie and the little scrappy bullshit. The bread was different. I fucked myself. Yeah, well you went to Westway or whatever.

Westwood. Wood. Double Eagle. The risk is down in like an idiot. I think it's double eagle is just like their very, very nice version of their restaurant. And Real is their more casual version. There's no, this Double Eagle doesn't mean a thing.

I think it's a title. Weird, what the fuck? It's the same company though. It's the same company, Del Frisco. Oh yeah, Del Frisco. Same meat, same all that. I think it's just a more casual version of what they make. It's casual, but when I saw the sweatpants and everyone with hats,

because that was part of the gift. Yeah, of course. We're gonna be classy tonight with our target clothes. Ah! Dammit. I blew it. Well, the kid was happy and you got the real steak, and you're eating amongst the common folk again.

You're back with your people. Your heart took you to poverty. Where you belong. That's right. I do belong there. It felt like you just wanted to... It's fun to separate. Now some people aren't accepting because I took my parents there years ago. My mother was a nervous wreck. She hated it. Oh, interesting. She didn't know what she was putting moose and product in her hair and she didn't know what to order. She was literally shaking, holding the menu. She's like, how do we order? What do we say? And I was like, oh, this is like a dessert. I think some people, I'm like, tonight we're gonna live

like fucking the other side. Yes, yes. And some people were like, I don't wanna be on the other side. I think you learned that. I think when I met you, you had a little more mom in you. And I think you've kind of opened up over the years as of I.

Well, I went out with Louis. So once you're out, you're like, hey, this is pretty good. You get a taste of it, you can't go back. Yes, you try it out and you wanna give that gift, but some people don't want that gift. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, it's not comfort. I have that on the road, do you ever have that where the opener's treating you like you're fuckin'

Liberace and he's like, oh, well, you're a genius and you're like, get the get the fuck out and people want that I don't want that exact. I feel the same way. I'm like, I don't want anyone to do anything for me Yeah, yeah, yeah that weird like that chappelle level of like oh you're a the goat and all that I'm like get the hell out of here and and I'm kind of happy it makes me uncomfortable because I'm like I don't want to Go that way. What's up hotels to like what's like your luggage? And I'm like, I don't want to go that way. Well, some hotels too, like once I hear luggage, and I'm like, no, I think my luggage. Yeah, yeah, I got the luggage.

Please, I'm like, it's a wheel. It's a fucking carry case. And the elevator's right there. And then I gotta like tip you, see you again. It just adds more bullshit, you know? I gotta keep talking to you. The father. Humblion too.

Oh, okay. What is it about the hotel? I don't know. One of on two. Oh, okay. What is your hotel? I don't know. One of my first jokes ever, went to a restaurant, didn't have a blazer, they go, we'll give you one. I go, okay. And then when the bill came, I got all my money and they was like, can you give me some?

That was it. That's not bad. You like that? That's pretty good. Maybe I'll bring it back. Dust it off. I'll dust. Dust it off.

Dust and chaff it. All right, Dusty Slay. Hey folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Better Help. Better Help's online therapy is helpful for celebrating your strengths, working through your weaknesses and learning to set boundaries and taking action with your life. I love Better Help. I've gotten six, seven friends all into this via their ads with our discount code and they love it. They thank me. They're so grateful. They know how

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to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Tuesdays. All right, back to the show. Anyway, that's my story, I'm sticking to it. All right, I can tell the sidefall photo story. Now that we're, I'll give the quick version. It's a great story, tell it. All right, so I don't know, when was that?

Was it January? No. It was one of the Grammarcy shows which I believe was June, September, and... Okay. I don't know, we did one every two weeks. I think it was actually March, June, September. The next one's March 5th.

March 5th. Put that in the bank, folks. I think Jerry will do it. Ow! I'll probably not run up by him. Oh, you did bank, folks. I think Jerry will do it. Ow! I'll probably not run up on him. Oh, you did it with Sal. Sal Volcano was on it. Okay.

So it was probably the June or March one. All right. It was like last February. But does that give you a touch of how much I'm spacing this out? Because I just am that scared of, that is proof of how scared of bothering him I am. Yeah.

We could be eating breakfast twice a month. You know, we live in the same fucking city. We live a mile apart, but I don't want to bother him, so I space. Yeah, that's fair. Well, this story's a little dicey. True. So, get the breakfast with the sign. It was all about getting married and how to stay married and not get divorced and all that. You always need a... God, you gotta give my number. Yeah, you need a reason to meet.

And this reason is like, lots of talk about the comedy, the Chappelle special, Cat Williams, Israel, whatever. So I always want to go in with a reason, because I think men are very transactional. You know, like we go way back, we can go, hey, you want to just hang? I think he's a busy guy and we're not super close So you have to have a reason to meet right?

You know like if I didn't run a pod or not a pod let me let me think of like sometimes like with Salak use He's a pal But the fact that we have all these projects we're working on something we're filming something we're shooting something that keeps us tighter Of course it allows you to do something. Yeah, because guys will just sit back and we don't if we don't have to do anything We won't right you know, so I think with that's how I'm looking at this with him so We met up months ago, and I had to get the photo we're hanging out, but I don't want to bother him I don't want to be the guy going. Hey, I brought a friend here who has a professional camera. Do you mind if we it's that's no good Yeah, that's not lunch that just shows like this is special this is your

celebrity I'm not boo boo boo boo I want to be equals Jerry right so we concoct a plan with Sally and I go how about this he always gets hit up hit up by paparazzi all over the sidewalk throw the mask on you already look like ass put the Hawaiian shirt You got the crazy hair just show up outside the diner. We're gonna get a booth by the window Get a photo by the window and he goes not bad. No problem. And you know, he's a dad He's 88 years old so he's up with a crack of dawn like a farmer. We met at 945 Salak uses text me under the table I'm talking to Jerry like oh oh yeah, you don't say,

yeah, how about that? Okay, we're here now, the eagle has landed, double eagle, and Salakius shows up, the problem is, it's diner, it's built like a train car. So the window is literally this high, like this. And we're sitting above that, and Salakius is 4' for one So he's out there and I see him with the mask and the Hawaiian and the weird bag of who knows what he's all for one and decent group and he's a I see him out there and he's going ah

Jeez and then Jerry's going look at these fucking animals and I know I'm like I hope they die I that guy look at he's clearly homeless. He smells. He's ugly and he's like I know I'm like, ah, I hope they die. And that guy, look at it, he's clearly homeless, he smells, he's ugly. And he's like, I know, I know. And he goes, I'm sorry about this, I'm sorry. He's apologizing to me about the guy I hired. So I'm like, yeah, yeah. And now, it's too short, so he's jumping.

He's pogoing. He's pogoing and clicking. Jump, click, jump, click. So I can see the lens, like one goes up to the sky, one hits the ground, one's over here, and they can see it's all, it's missing. So, but either way I'm like he's a professional, he'll get it, and I'm still trying to maintain

a conversation while this guy is jumping outside of the window a foot and a half away. That is Salgu's think to come into the restaurant at all and snap one from the equal level? No, because it was too obvious. It was, you know, and they would have tackled him and tased his ass too, which that could have been fun. It's a bunch of Hispanic guys, and they know Jerry.

He has his own table. It's so crazy to me, because that diner doesn't seem like a quintessential New York diner, but him and Quinn love it. Well, the food is good. It's very pricey. Yes, I've been. So I think it's that perfect level. Well, it's, the food is good. It's very pricey. Yes, I've been. So I think it's that perfect level of like,

he's a zillionaire celebrity icon, and it's got eggs and waffles. Right. So I don't know, it's a middle ground for him. So, so I was taking the photo, we have a great breakfast, I leave, we, we, I felt invigorating. You know, one of those like, whoa, whoa,

I just had a real meal, it wasn't like just opening. It was like, we're hanging. It's crazy. real meal, it wasn't like just opening, it was like we're hanging. It's crazy. It felt like a level jump in our relationship, whatever. So then, of course I text, I call Sal Cuse and he goes, don't worry, I took 900 photos, we got something, I'm gonna go home right now and check the footage, woo baby, here we go.

And he sends me two photos that day and he goes, this is the best I got. One of them is both of us, it just looks like two blobs eating, because it's a glare on the window. And then the other one is pretty good, but it's like, here up. Oh boy. It's here up.

You gotta send these to me. I'll send them to you then, I'll find them. They were unusable. Even with a side file photo, it was unusable. And I was like, I can't post this. And he's like, I know, I know. So this is shot number two. This is it.

Yeah. So stock up, buddy boy. But seeing that fat bastard jump in the air with a camera in both hands was really, really something. He's a special kind of friend. He's a good guy. He's a sweet boy. Not great at capturing things on camera necessarily.

Sure. But he's a lot of fun. But if you have a body that needs to be hidden, call him, because he will come in there with a shovel and somehow fuck it up. Yeah, he's really something. I love the cues. And I'm going to text him.

As soon as this is over, I'm texting him right back. I'm going to set up a lunch. Oh, god. I'll come photograph it. Maybe something. I got to hang with the guy, but teach him how to focus his camera. I gotta tell you, we shot a thing for my Instagram

for the beacon, and he's got a tripod. I've never seen this before. He's got a tripod, but it's just a pod. It's just one stick, and it has a nub on the bottom. It's called a monopod. He's got a monopod and I'm like, he's standing, it's shooting in a conference room just like this and he's standing on a chair. The monopod is on the table and he's shooting down at me

and I'm like, this is swivel chair, it's a monopod and it's you. There's no way this is not gonna shake. Well, Salky's loves standing on things. He does! That is one of his favorite activities. If there's a table, a chair, a thing, he's standing on the thing.

Well, he's Frederico Fellini. He's gotta get up there and get angles and dutch it up and down. And so I'm like, I'll tell you right now, this is gonna be shaky. And he's like, it won't be shaky. And I think because I hounded him so much, it's getting laughs in the room,

that it came out pretty good. But if if I hadn't said anything I don't know Michael J. Fox and the hound shaky well if I had got it out a second I'm hounding him you said oh how did I said hounding I know there was a there was a space I put what are you gonna. I know. There was a space. I fucked it. What are you going to do? Hound's a basketball. Jay Fox and the hound. Hey, OK.

There we go. OK, 47. So he was 8k, but he got that shot crystal clean. And we got in, we got out. But that model butt, I'm like, get three sticks. The Eiffel Tower's not standing up straight up. It's got the legs. Big legs.

Yeah, legs. She knows how to use them. Legs and eggs. The more I talk about salad, the more I miss them. I gotta get this man back in my life. He's a great guy. We have a lunch twice a month.

That's fun. Yeah, I go up to Westway. Westway. Del Frisco's. No, Westway Diner, midtown. It's two blocks from his house. I know Westway, that's where the Seinfeld was hatched. Yeah, well you can't bring him in there now.

It's a circus. Oh, Seinfeld? Yeah. Oh, they go crazy for him? Well, it's just, it's mayhem in there. It's one of those wacky diners. It's like a real diner. Right, right.

The diner bleep that. The other diner he likes is it's like calm and, you know, quiet and kind of nice. Right. You said it a couple times. Oh, did I? Yeah. You said more than once.

Yeah, you said earlier. Oh, I did. I think so. That's why I was like, it's weird that he thinks that diner is good. Those guys love that diner. Yeah. Remember? Well bleep the first word. Yeah, keep diner. Yeah, keep diner Okay, there we go. I don't want to blow up his spot Yeah, well just go boop diner there you go diner there you go

Nothing's finer than being in your diner Well, I can't wait for the the next meeting. I can't wait for the next meeting, I can't wait for the next Salak use and yeah Salak use is near and dear to my heart and into my side of my fart. He's the man with the plan I love him and I now here's a question about the sign doing the beacon. He's doing it a week before. Which is all fun to see it's like Tayman Paula, Seinfeld, Frederico Pavarotti, some other guy, me. Wild. In that wild? It's unbelievable.

I never thought I'd see the day. It's unbelievable. I'm thinking about asking him to pop on. Yeah, you keep saying this. I mean, I think. Is that bad? Well, I'm trying to get a gauge off you. Is that insulting?

Is it like the T-shirt for the 15 year old where I'm like, I think it's funny, but he's gonna be like, I don't like that. But I think you'd have to ask in a way of like, let me know if you wanna do time. You're welcome to do time. Oh, don't make like a goof. I wouldn't say, hey, I'd like you to open for me.

No, I would never say that. Oh, okay. I'm saying like, wouldn't that be funny if you popped onto my dumb fucking shirt? Yeah, that's not bad. All right, that's what I was gonna do. Or yeah, like an invitation, if you wanna bounce some new or shit. Yeah, that's not bad. All right, that's what I was gonna do. Or yeah, like an invitation, if you wanna bounce some new or do a bit, come by.

All right, I like it. That's something. Okay. Yeah, that way it's like an offer, it's an offer of respect. Yeah. Hey, I know you live in the neighborhood, we're friends, I'm there, come by, do time.

I don't give a works out. Pull the notebook out, open mic it. Yeah, tell them, as you say, I won't be a works out. Pull the notebook out, open mic it. Yeah, tell them, as you say, I won't be like you are when you headline. Is it true? There's no clock, you gotta look at the watch, it's so crazy. No watch, no clock, no nothing, no windows. Fascinating. That's no joy. No show, no smell, No sure. No. No. No. No smell. No tell whiskey. Hey, I think you should say, Hey, I'm at the bacon neighborhood show. I'm down the street. I'd love if you came by. That's what you should say. I'd love if you came by. And if you do, you're welcome

to go on. I like that way. You're expressing your desires. It would mean a lot if you came and if you came, of course, you're welcome to go on stage. So that's when it's kinda like, this is what I would like, you're my friend, and it would be meaningful if you came. So you're expressing your needs. Is desire good to express? I don't know if I agree with that.

Of course it is. I want you to do this. I feel like that's a, it puts you in a weird position. Now I gotta do that, because you want you to do this. I feel like that's a, it puts you in a weird position. Now I gotta do that, cause you want me to? No, it doesn't put him in a weird position. You're saying, you're not saying I want you to do this. You're saying I would love if you did this.

It would mean a lot to me. It's not like you're saying I want you to wash my car. Sure. If you're saying, hey, I'm shooting a special and if you're in town, it would mean a lot to have you there. Right. Because we're friends. Okay, that's Asserting yourself right right you're saying This is what I would like out of you my friend

But you know when some guy goes some guy you don't like or think it's funny and you're like hey Can I open for you and he's expressing his desires, but you're like ah shit now How do I get out of this yeah, but he's crossing a boundary You're not friends you feel yourself friends with Jerry unless you don't then yeah, you shouldn't do that Okay, I don't know you are that guy, but I am I am a psycho as well So that's why I'm asking other you having breakfast one-on-one the previous guy You're not having breakfast one-on-one. It's good point. It's good point That's what's so egregious about these people right that are like hey, how about I open for you? You're like I don't know you yes and I have a plethora of friends that

I would love being with and don't get to see enough so I'll use one of them here here friendship should evolve naturally by the way the amount the floodgates of people asking to the beacon who I've never come had a conversation with don't have the number it people I'm like you're still doing it yeah that's insane there's a lot of that out there, because they're like, oh, this is a fun thing. Can I do it? Like, what?

Yeah. Where's that coming from? That's insane. I think it's better to express, hey, I'd love for you to be there. That would mean a lot to me. Yeah, that's pretty good. And then you add the, if you wanted your time, of course,

you welcome to your time. And how could you not? Because they're going to go ape shit. That's got to feel good. That's got to feel feel good, but he's also used to that exactly and then he might be like well I don't want some people to are like that's your night. It'll be weird I'm not yeah, there's a lot of that after and there's a lot of like especially these big-time guys are like oh, I wasn't Yeah, I don't feel right right, you know, like I don't want to just go on You know, that's more of a young guy thing,

like a hungry guy, like, I'll go on. Sometimes it's fun. I mean, Louis featured, how crazy is that? Louis featured for me at Side Splitters, the whole weekend. I think about that once a week. Is that insane? I really do, and you had that great cancel line up front. What was that?

You go, people don't believe cancel culture is real. I got news for you. Louis CK is opening for me at a comedy club in Florida. I should have clipped that. Oh, that would have been a clip. Damn the clips. Just give it to the clips. Damn, that would be a legendary clip.

Maybe the video exists somewhere. Probably not. Yeah, that's wild. Yeah, I think about that all the time. I don't know how weird that is, but I'm in the shower going, open a tampa. Yeah, that's wild. Yeah, I think about that all the time. I don't know how weird that is, but I'm in the shower going, oh, open a tampa. Yeah, that was fun. Imagine if Hanley has that great line.

Phil Hanley was Chris Rock and then Kevin Hart, and then Hanley. And Hanley goes, wow, three in a row. That's a great opening line. So good. I always say going after those guys is a great spot. Of course. We look at it like I gotta follow these legends,

but first time I followed, first time I met Jerry, I followed him and I had a hot set. Salchis followed him too. Chuck left, thank God you saved me. But do we have to wrap up soon? We're gonna run out of time. Oh geez, cause I'm like, I gotta do this. We ain't ch chatting for too long.

Yeah, we chatting. I really painted myself into a corner here. All right, well, any final thoughts, guys? Let's see. Let me see what I got here. Oh, oh, oh, I forgot to tell a story. Oh, hit me. Yeah.

You're the old guy across the street. Oh, the geezer. I went in the bathroom and then he came in shortly after. And he's got to be 101. He's pissing at the urinal. I'm pretending to wash my hands. And then as I walked out, he must have been holding in a real gas bubble because as I opened the door and I was leaving, I just heard them. Baaaaaah! Hey, we should have gone. It was... That's what it takes to get on the show. But it was pretty funny because you could tell he was like, I don't want to rip one in front of my cohort, my neighbor.

And then as soon as that door opened, he was like close enough. Baaaaaah! And it was like a real old man's game. It's fun that like an old asshole still squeaks. Yeah. An old asshole still squeaks the same. Yeah, I like that. That old age.

Now my grandmother would fart like a frat boy. Just brrrr, brrrr, brrrr. And then she would always go, that wasn't me. Really? It's like, well you did it and then said that. Oh wow. Yeah. I think she still had like that, I'm a lady.

But you're like, all right, well those days are over, Farty. She's a lady. F wow. Yeah. I think she has to like that. I'm a lady. But you're like, all right, well those days are over, Farty. She's a lady. Farty list. All right, we gotta wrap this fucking thing up. What day is it? January 22nd? Holy shit, my asshole. What's coming up? Oh, my next work, I think, is, well, I'm in Traverse City, Michigan. Yikes. Yeah, go up there, January 20, 31st, I believe. And then February 8th through 10, Austin. Mother ship. I'm telling you, mother ship, I assume it's gonna sell out.

Hell yeah. So just make sure you get those tickets now. Don't wait. And then I'm in Springfield, Missouri a couple of weeks after that at that club. Blue, right, here's the great room. Blue room. I thought you did it years ago.

I did the old one where they changed it again. Oh, is that right? It's the third change, yeah heard it's a great room. Blue room. I thought you did it years ago. I did the old one, but they changed it again. Oh, is that right? It's the third change. Yeah, Sam said it was killer. Oh, I haven't been there. Then either, myself. Raleigh in March and Burlington, Vermont, April 12. We're going to do the Holbrook Firefighter Show, April 13.

That's going to be fun. And yeah, check out Patreon yes, yes all that stuff punch up live you can get all my tickets at punch up live and Sign up for my email list and then of course the big one is May 2nd the Regent Theatre. I'm fucked I mean, I mean, I mean Fucking what do you call it skid row? Man of Sco, Burr, Seinfeld,

and Bargatsy. Legendary night, they're doing two shows. I'll talk to them. And, uh, I don't know who's gonna be left to come down to Skid Row to see my show, but it's big, it's, it's this Netflix thing, so please come on out, get those tickets, and fill it up.

You don't need to see those assholes. No, you've seen it, and they're doing two. So go one, one you, one them. That's assholes. Nah, you've seen it and they're doing two so go one you one them. That's not bad. And if I could a little advice just do a little tray of breadcrumbs of fentanyl right to the theater and you've got a full house. Get some of those hobos in there. Yeah there you go. Yeah so that's it. All right in four days I'm at the Beacon Theater. We got to sell these puppies out. I got Jerry coming, maybe.

Seinfeld's opening. Seinfeld's fan. Desire. And come on by, then I'm all over the road. I mean, Charlotte, Raleigh, Charlottesville. What's that other one called? Oh, geez. Kentucky.

What the fuck? Newport? Charleston. I love Charleston. Love Charleston. It's like New Orleans got its shit together. And yeah, a lot of Florida, a lot of Ohio, Columbus, Indianapolis, marknormandcomy.com, also on Punch Up.

Get on the Patreon, get cookin', get crackin', get jizzin'. Seattle crackin'. It's a hot one, release the crackin', we'll see you in hell. Quiff it up, chuck! First of all, let's say March 5th, we got to get some sicker, Sammercy. For God's sake.

Keep pushing it, yeah. Please come, holy shit. Come on my back, my shoulder blades, please. March 5th, Gramercy Theater, live too. This is gonna be the one, this is it. And we haven't done one in a long time now. Yeah, this is gonna be the one. We're gonna do things a little different.

We've taken your mean comments to heart. We're gonna really do something with this one. Absolutely. Yeah, check out my do something with this one. Absolutely. Yeah, check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. I'm not sure if this is going to be out this week, but we're putting out a panel that I moderated with all the voices of the original Ninja Turtles. All of them.

Whoa. It was crazy. It was really weird. Wow. It was all four of them in April. We were on stage. And you know, it's pretty, it's actually really funny. They're super funny.

We had a lot of great back and forth stuff it was very fun oh was the Greek guy Casey Jones there I love that guy no no it wasn't from the movie it was from the TV show it's all the voices TV show yeah fun variables the pod for variable pod.com check it out like aangelo's a party dude. Thank you, bro. All right. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome.

You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome.

You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome.

You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome.