Tuesdays with Stories! - #539 Marquee Normand

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

We're back in the studio baby! Mark sees John Oliver! Joe loves Pao donuts and Treat Cookies! Mark gets invited to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers stadium, and Joe gets screwed by Delta!! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show and get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code TUESGAYS - Support the show & get Factor for 50% off at https://www.factormeals.com/TUESDAYS50 and use code TUESDAYS50

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I want to- Ay-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! Ooh! Might as well jump! Might as well jump! Hey you!

Who the hell? Who said that? Good song for suicide. Might as well jump. Hey you, who there, who said that? Good song for suicide. Just jump, just do it man, you're up there, just jump. You got to roll with the bunches and get to what's real. Yeah. Get you see, I got my back against the wreck. One of the gayer songs by Van Halen. Yeah, with the spandex and the high kicks

But they had a good time. They fucking ruled that first album is sick Maybe the best debut album of all time atomic punk rules ice cream man rules. You really got me eruption I mean, that's a ridiculous album ain't talking about love is on that album. Oh, yeah They had a good run with the ladies as well, old Hale. But they went gay, everyone goes gay. Well it was the times, you know? It was like they had disco and then they went, what do you call that, a glam rock?

They got glammy, I mean, running with the devil. Bzz, bzz, bzz, wow! Bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz, I used to come out to that song and then people were like you can't you're not you're not a running with the devil Can't follow that because I come out and be like oh, I'm a little nervous What are you doing, but it's a good come out song but no fucking that album rules the second album rules and Then they got real gay and then they got Hey guard and then they had like they got Heygard, and then they had like, run now, no tomorrow. Yes, Gagard.

Which is as gay as it gets, really. That's like stinks out loud. But then it shifted again to grunge. It just went too gay. We said, all right, we gotta put on a fucking dirty t-shirt. Oh yeah, yeah, music in general. Oh, forget about it, the 90s. That's when I really started sucking my own dick.

Then it turned more lesbian. It was like flannel, boots, pussy. Late 90s got tough. Then you got Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears and then Sink and Christina Aguilera. And that's just crazy to remember is that rock and roll was pop music. Yeah.

Like that was a hit. Like Warpigs was on the radio. Oh my God, I went to Lollapalooza, it was like Eve Six, Green Day, Limb Bisc. That was big. Yeah, and now that's kind of over. He would he get like a fallout quiff? Yeah, I guess, well now again,

like everything is so splintered. Except for Taylor Clark or whatever her name is. That's a comedian. Smith, Swift. Taylor Swift, Swift. Taylor Clark's a skateboarding comedian. That's right Seattle similar hair great guy good egg Both talented but Taylor Swift I was just looking because Taylor Swift's the talk of the town

Everyone knows Swift Swift ease my niece is a Swiftie my dad's Swiftie Swiftie Chuck Swift that sounds like a good Chuck Swift hey, I'm here Chuck Swift. That sounds like a good VJ name. Oh, yeah. Chuck Swift. Hey, I'm here. Chuck Swift. We're playing all the hits. Come on down. We're going to free Coozie.

He's not Swift for the editing. But other than that. Oh, nice and slow. But what was I going to say? Oh, Taylor Swift. I was like, let me get in here. What is Taylor Swift? Because our nieces are nutty, Swifties.

They love her. Everybody loves her. Well, she's going to be soon, but she loves the Swift. So I was like, I gotta find out some Swift songs, but she used to be country. That's right, Nashville. She was like a Nashville-y acoustic guitar country girl, and then she went full pop.

Yeah, they go where the wind is blowing, you know? It's kind of like a plant growing into the sun. They find it. But everything about this was Swift. I don't know her stuff too well, but gotta be great for the economy. She sells out arena after arena, that's flights, hotels, restaurants, everybody comes into town and buys a new outfit and goes to the craft store

and gets a swifty jizz on their face and then they go to the concert. Yeah, she's her own economy. You got, like you said, a pilot, a chef, a cook, a barber. Yeah! And then all the bars and restaurants around the arena, the stadium. Exactly, huge.

So I don't think she gets her due for the amount of bucks being printed. Absolutely, but I think she charges $15,000 a ticket. That too, yeah. Because people, they do the new thing, whatever it's called, and I'm gonna come out and just say I'm a virtue signal. I refuse to do it in Los Angeles this thing if like tickets are selling the price goes up I hate it. Yeah, I said no ma'am because I'm not popular enough to do that

But still it's kind of crazy. So it just goes through the roof So if everyone's buying quickly a ticket becomes nine grand. Oh Well, Louie put the kibosh on that with his tics, didn't he? Well Louie paid the fees himself. Wow. Yeah, what he was doing was insane. He was losing like hundreds of thousands of dollars so people wouldn't have to pay the ticket fees.

What a guy, whatever happened to him? He's doing pretty well. Sounds like a great guy. He's off. Okay. Wait, what was I gonna say though about the tickets? 800? The first, my first Pearl Gym show I went to was in 1996.

I paid $16.50. Wow. A tenacious D opened. How about that? That's about something. Hey, Jack Black, the fat man himself. 16 bucks. First Red Sox game I went to,

bleach your seat, six bucks. Wow. 16 bucks. First Red Sox game I went to. Bleach your seat, six bucks. Wow. That's, it sounds like boomer. It sounds like I'm from the 40s. I know, I know. You know what's weird? I had a thought the other day,

I used to walk in on my grandmother sewing. Doesn't that just feel like a depression era? It was like 1989. Same, I had to say that. The, the, the machine. The machine and she had the little pedal Yeah, so you reap what you sow. Yeah, so buttons. That's what my dad always says. Oh, that's right You say so he says so buttons. I don't care for it. Yeah. Well, it's you know, it's it's something by the way My it's me and my dad my dear sweet dad Steve. Oh, yeah, Steve. Oh, that's my dad. Yes the clown

Dear sweet dad. Steve-O. Yeah, Steve-O. That's my dad. Yes, the clown. Ma'Jerah. Wait, Steve-O the clown? He was a clown. Steve-O was a clown?

That's why he got Steve-O. No kidding. Yeah, he went to clown college. He went all in on the clown thing, and then he found out, hey, I'll make more money if I taste my A-hole. You're shocking my tits off. You serious, Steve-O?

Yeah, yeah, clown all the way. He's Chuck knows. Chuck, Steve-O, OK. Ringling brothers, he went to the ringling brothers. I think he might have got kicked out, though. Yeah, yeah. Well, they imagined so. The whippets and the stapling your nuts to the ringleader.

He's still. Yeah, he's stuffing the elephant tusk in his asshole. I had no idea. Well, anyways, so the day after the baby was born, we're getting ready to head back. And you got to send all the paperwork down to the little window so you can get a birth certificate. So the day after the baby was born, we're getting ready to head back, and you gotta send all the paperwork down to the little window so you can get a burst of a get. And my dad, my sweet dad, he's trying to help out.

He's worked in a hospital for 50 years. He goes, I'll take it down for you, don't worry about it. And we just haven't got a burst of a get. It's been three months. We just got a big envelope in the mail going, oh, we're excited. Here's the burst of a get. We open it a big envelope in the mail going, oh, we're excited, here's the burst of it, we open it up, it's like, sorry, no record. My son is off the charts, what do you call it? Grid. Grid, yeah.

Wow, off the boat. And we're trying to figure out, I don't know what happened, but my dad did. I think he's like, will helm in that science episode. He's off the reservation. Wow, that's kind of fun, you don't have to pay taxes, he's got no barcode, baby. Well, it's not fun because we can't claim kind of fun. You don't have to pay taxes. He's got no barcode, baby Well, it's not fun because he can't we can't claim one of insurance Because the the doctor's office is like we never heard of this kid. I'm like, but he's right here

You're you're sticking things in his ass. Yeah, but that could be a migrant. They don't know that so they go and I'm holding up I'm like, look, it looks just like tell me I'm not Kramer And they go no so the insurance is fucked so I'm paying $800 a doctor visit because my dear daddy I don't know what he did I think he handed it to who knows who Wow maybe your dad's losing his marbles a little bit he just handed to a custodian and he rolled a joint with it or something he might have had at the Salacuse because he was there oh good point good point I was born. He was born in this hospital. I was born in it. Anyway, so I got no birth certificate.

My son is gay and dead. He doesn't have anything, so no paperwork. Wow, that's fun. I mean, but what, you got the kid right there. You know, you think, hey, give me the insurance. He's here. What do you think? I'm lugging a kid around for the money safe?

That's what I don't get. And I don't know, what does it mean when you don't have a birth? Like, he doesn't have a birth? He doesn't have a social security, he doesn't have any of that stuff. Whoa. He's not paying taxes, he's just, I mean we have a gridless kid.

No grid. He's kid Bundy, he might as well singe his fingertips too, go all in. I don't know, maybe he'll commit some crimes and not get in trouble. He's got no teeth either, no dental records. This guy is, he's free wheeling. He's a whack job, he's out there. And by the way he's done his first flights, two flights

to Seattle and back. And we got upgraded on both flights, my son has flown exclusively first class. Oh my god, feet dangling, what are you, just holding the whole way? You're holding the whole way, I don't hold them the whole way, but Sarah does, I guess, she's in a different seat, I don't know, she didn't't get upgraded she was in coach, but Yeah, I got To to fly and there's a new generation of lists on the scene I didn't fly first-class till I was 49 this kid is only flowing to good point good point Yeah, you're starting to my pie, but then he's gonna he's gonna have no prospects no goals

No future because he's had a silver spoon up his ass. No, he's gonna know what it's like to succeed. He's gonna see success. Success breeds success. All right, well, tell that to Jaden Smith. I don't know who that is. That's Will Smith's kid. Oh, I'd like to slap the shit out of him. Yeah, well, they'd slap.

It runs in the family. But anywho. You ever watch those slap-offs Every once in a while, you know UFC who I follow on Instagram would post one and I had to unfollow on one of these guys I don't like it. It's too much. It's it's there's no defense. You just got to take it. I don't know speaking of Will Smith It's no good. It's not I don't get it It popped up on my feet and like a guy gets slapped and he's like Yeah, I'm like what the fuck is that? I know there's no skill to it. I could do that Yeah, I don't get it. I do it all the time to my wife, which she yaps. There you go

Yeah, I was like, I don't need this in my life. That's that if that catches on Fuck me right in the ass. We're done as a society because there's nothing to it This is on, fuck me right in the ass. We're done as a society, because there's nothing to it. At least go ball kick to ball kick, because then there's some humor involved. Ball kick or a dick stomp, like you lay your dick down on a thing and then you hammer. Oh!

See who's squishes more. Yikes, laying down the hammer, hammer time. What do you think would happen if you put your limp dick on the table and I just gave it a good, ah! I think it would pop a little, like it would smush like a mango. I don't know if it would pop, I think it would just be bruised and battered.

You don't think it would bleed? Bleed. Well, bleed is different than a pop. Well, I mean like it would, you know, the same way you get a cut on your eyebrow, it popped open, like the skin is broke. Right. I think the skin is broke. Right. I think the skin would break.

Maybe. But it also depends on the, if you got a huge limp dong, you can get more of a hit than if you got a less surface area. That's what I mean, because I got a skinny little noodle, I got a little linguine over here. Same, same, and then you got the, what if you had the circum size, you hit it and it shoots out. Oh, that'd be fun. Yeah

Stress balls exactly Shoot right out the hood there because it makes a little hole right at the end. You ever seen one of those there They're not pretty no, I'm not interested in that. I don't like I don't like regular dicks let alone wacky Oh, I love regular dicks Wacky dick either a horrible comedy club wacky dicks. It's up in Edmonton I'm not a wacky dick either. A horrible comedy club, wacky dicks. It's up in Edmonton. Hey folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Factor.

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I mean, while I went on a work trip that felt like vacation because I was with loved ones. I got a couple things. But I don't know about Joe Biden. Well, I got some nuggets. But again, yeah, they don't really know. I didn't get my dick slammed by a hammer or anything. So not a ton of excitement.

But got to say, Rangers game went to the Rangers. New York Rangers. That's right. Oh, boy. Not the Park Rangers. Who were they That's right. Oh boy. Who are they playing Seattle Kraken. Yes release the Kraken. There you go. Smoking. If you got it. But the whole thing was organized because of the beacon. On the beak. So Dolan this cat James Dolans everything. He owns the Knicks, the Garden, the Beacon, the Forum, Slaves, I don't know.

So he's got everything. Wow. We're sitting right behind him. What? Vita's freaking out. Vita's like, that's Dolan. I'm like, who the fuck's Dolan? Vita knows everybody.

He does. He's got his nose to the gr- it's a big nose, but it's right to the grindstone. He's got a beak, but he's a Jew, so he knows who's who and who's got the cash and who's got the tunnels. Absolutely. You want to know something you call Gary Veter. Oh yeah. Doesn't know his own kid's name but he knows who owns the garden. I'll tell you that. So I was like well what's what's he have to do with the beaker? He's like he owns that too. I'm like oh my god and he owns the forum. He's just and then he's like you know he the Knicks is one percent of his income. Wow. Isn't that wild?

That's a little slap in the tits. That is wild. So he gave you the tickets? Yeah, well, so he wants to sell the beacon out. We got about 600 tickets to go with 10 days left. Clock's ticking. OK. Knicking.

Knicking. Knicking time. Seattle Knicking. Nick Nolte. All right, so he goes, put this quiff on the jumbo, we'll give away a couple tickets, and we'll get some buzz, because there's 20,000 people in there.

Why not? Buzz it up. Buzz light year. So they go, it's kind of weird. Well, first of all, they're really scraping the barrel on Celeb if I'm on there. You got that straight. Second was a couple of housewives, real housewives.

Not fake. And then Jason Priestley of 90210 fame. That's something. who got that straight. Second was a couple of housewives, real housewives. Not fake. And then Jason Priestley of 90210 fame. That's something. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Wait. That's not like sports center. Or is that?

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. No, no, no. I'm not a. I don't know, I never watched 90210. Can I tell you, I never watched a single episode. I know the women. I know Shannon Daugherty. Yeah. I like the one with the glasses, Andrea tell you, I never watched a single episode. I know the women, I know Shannon Daugherty.

I liked the one with the glasses, Andrea, with the round horn rim glasses. My sister was obsessed, but I thought we were just a little young for 902. A little bit, it was Tori Spelling, it was Luke Pear, and they had like an Ian Zering. Oh yeah, yeah, so I knew all the people, cause my sister's walls were covered,

but I never sat down and was like, here it comes. Yeah, no, cause that was like teenager stuff, and I never sat down and was like, here it comes. Yeah, no, same. That was like teenager stuff, and I feel like we were like 11 at that point. Saved by the Bell was like the intro. We were still on that level. I was all Saved by the Bell. Preteen, no cube.

Yeah, so he's there, he still looks great by the way. And I think I did it, Saved by the Bell, the college years. Ba-na-na-na. I might have fucked that up. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that. Wasn't Priestly in interview with a vampire or the other one? Dracula.

I remember him wearing glasses and being a gay Dracula boy. Yeah, well what's fun is when they put him on the screen, all the girls were like, ah! You know, so that was cute. But you think, OK, I'm the comedian douche. I gotta have something funny. You can't just go, can ya? Great country.

Can ya? Yeah, a lot of marathon winners. Obama. I think you can. I think maybe you go yawn, you go on board. Ah, the yawn. You can go naff. Yeah, yeah.

You can go death stare, just straight ahead stare. Oh, that's good. I got a lot of jumbotron experience, not as a celebrity, just as an asshole in the crowd. Well, you gotta think on your tits, because that shit is quick, it comes and goes. Right, well I go in there being like, most likely I'll get on the tron, I know what I'm doing.

Well, the forehead. So what'd you decide? So I went with, I panicked, and I had the popcorn, and I just dumped it on my face. That's gold, are you kidding? Yay! Popcorn dump is huge! Big dump! I got a couple of ladies going at popcorn dump. It was sexy. I'll take it.

I'm covered in salt and Vita's jizz from the hole in the bottom of it. Salt and battery. And we had a great time. We got the hole to do. I tell you, sports, if you got the hole, you get there early, we eat dinner. This is like a lounge with the chafing dishes. I love a chaff. I don't know chaff. Chaff, you know, they go, whoosh. Oh, that's a chaffy?

Like a lounge, look at the Delta. Oh, okay. There's a little flame under it. Oh, that's called chaff? I believe so, yeah, Dustin Chaffin. I only know chaff as like you jerk off with no butter. Chaff's got a lot of range. I mean, nipple chaff, I have that as a runner.

Yeah, yeah, right. I didn't know that was called chaffing. Chaffing dish. no butter and chief's got a lot of rain and they will take i have that as a runner yeah i have right i didn't know that was called chafing saving dish chafing dish yes yes uh... it's a lot of no butters uh... that's a good one yeah i go margaret but uh... country cock but uh... so i'd rather in simpson

uh... uh... you get in there you like i get it sports is great and then country cock, but so. Hadron Simpson. You get in there and you're like, I get it, sports is great. And then every, what do you, you got 20, three 20 minute intervals. Periods. Periods. Blood. And then you go down, between each one,

you drink more, you snack, the sushi, this candy, this burgers, a shake shack. It was great. And then you go back up and it's great. Well being a VIP really changes the game. It's hard to go back. You really gotta, once you're there, you're like, you get these people who become hugely successful,

Jason Priestley being one of them, whoever. And then they come down, they don't get, but whatever, then they're like, they commit suicide, they get drugged out. Yes, yes. Because, you know, I'm getting upgraded to first class, I'm like, I can't go sit and coach like an asshole now. I've had time to taste. It's hard.

You've had a taste and then you know what it could be. It's hard to go back and that's why people on the way down of a career, there's a lot of suicide, a lot of might as well, job. I can't wait to commit suicide. It's gonna be nice. It does look fun though when they got the fireman down there with that round thingy that they're trying to find you, you know? Oh, yeah, the trampoline, yeah.

The trampoline looks like a blast. Good times, absolutely. And some places do the big poofy inflatable. Like a bounce castle. Yes, yes, but no castle. Just bounce. It's just a flat thing. Might as well bounce. Yeah. I guess so. Might as well bounce. Yeah, I guess so.

Might as well bounce. So yeah, really fun time that I ran out of there and did a bunch of sets. And now here's another one. Got free tickets to the beacon. They said, what do you wanna go see? You wanna go see something? And I was like, well, I guess I'll go see something.

I didn't care for much. You know, it's like ario speed wagon or van Halen and So I said, oh, there's John Oliver and Seth Meyers headlining. Let me check that out Why we have different different strokes for different folks. I had the night off that night also, okay, so Also, I like John Oliver. Yeah, me too, it's great. I mean, it's a little political for my jizz, but he killed it. Wow.

I gotta say, he ripped it, and it was not too political. He's all over the stage, he's big, he's animated, the writing is really good. I'm sure he's great. Every show, do you feel like any show you go to, you're like, damn, that was good. Not at all. But like big show, if you go to a big, big,

like if someone's at the beacon, at the wherever, they're doing something pretty good. They're doing something right. I mean, sometimes there's might be some, you know, TikTok people, whatever, that don't know how to put on a show. Yes. Or whatever. So, I gotta say, Brooks Wheeland opened.

Oh, Brooks. Did, you know, 10 to 15, did a great job. And then Oliver comes out, because I kept being like, who's gonna go first? Oliver or Seth? Yeah. And I would've thought Oliver would close. I would think the same thing. He's HBO, he's, you know, Daily Show, whatever.

But Seth was SNL and talk show. Yeah, Seth, I guess, is probably more well known. He hosts those award shows, too. Yeah, he's American. He's American. So Oliver Crut, and he did like an hour and five minutes. I was like, holy shit. So now we're an hour and 20 into the show,

and then Seth does an hour. Damn. So I left. But Seth, he's Seth was cooking when I was up there but I was like, I can't do two and a half hours. No. So I got the hell out of there. So the Seth Meyers, is he do politically things, I'm worried they do similar things

or he does like observational stuff. It's all family, wife, observational, New York stuff and his joke writing is impeccable. I will say his delivery felt a little like he didn't get up a lot, but the joke writing, it was surgical baby, it was really good, whereas Oliver was just more theatrical and fun. But he was a stand-up. Was Seth Meyers a stand-up at any point? I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't believe so. Didn't you do John Oliver's TV show?

I did, yeah. I remember that. And he was doing stand-up back then. So I think he started his stand-up, and I think discovered by Ricky Gervais. No kidding. Now how about this? I've never been to the beacon on the other side of it.

I'll tell you, going to a show, it opens you up a little bit. Like you go to concerts all the time. I've been to the beacon many, many, many times. Never been to watch. Wow. Only performed there, so I got in line, I did the whole thing, I got a drink many, many, many times. Never been to watch. Wow. Only performed there, so I got in line, I did the whole thing, I got a drink with the masses,

you go in, you find your seat, you step on a lady's foot, she goes, rrrrr, and there's a coat on your seat, you go, who's the coat? It's a whole to do. Yeah, it's wild, and the older you get, the harder it is. You have to really actively be like, no, no, no, we'll go into the thing. Yes.

But a show is harder to go, like a sporting event that's the thing of like, wow, we could watch it at home. I know. I could get a chicken parm, put my feet up. Yeah. I have my wife suck me off while I hold the baby. But a show, you can't just go, wow, we'll just stream Seth Meyers and John.

Ah, good point. You can't just go, oh, the Almond Brothers, I'll put the CD on. It's a different thing. Different thing. And I gotta say, I'll, oh. I Almond Brothers, I'll put the CD on. It's a different thing. Different thing. And I gotta say, I'll, oh. I was just gonna say, Seth Meyers released a stand-up special in 2019.

Oh, okay. Okay, well, I think they were giving those out. But just saying, I forgot my train of quiff, David. Oh, sorry, don't do that. I gotta say, Oliver came out, riffed on the theater, got heckled, I gotta say Oliver came out, rift on the theater, got heckled, handled it like a fucking pro, and then went into his act and killed.

Wow. So he was like a real guy, and by the way, the beacon, grand, ornamental, like crazy, this guy's in shining armor and chandeliers and shit. I love the beacon. Beacon is the best, the coolest venue that I've been to in New York, I think. But I've never been to Carnegie. Never set foot in there. It's cool than Carnegie. Carnegie has the history. It's sexy. It's got the big oval with the porcelain and everything, but that beacon,

it feels like some history. And I love the neighborhood. I love walking out. I love standing at New Yorkers there. That's where the podcast started right there. That's right. I mean, how many times, I know we've talked about it, and I'm gay, I'm gay for you, but how many times have we finished the podcast and walked to Chipotle right underneath that marquee? Too many, marquee Norman. My dearest Norman, baby, I mean, that's just wild. I remember walking to a spot and walking under

Bill Burr's name, being like, oh, by some day we'll be there, baby. Yeah, that'd be Chicago or Billy Joel. I mean, everybody was there. It's wild and right across from where they did the Alec Baldwin, Seinfeld, Comedians and Cars. Yes, yes. You realize we have to tip Rebecca $1,000.

Right. And Alan, we started going to therapy over there. Oh yeah. Dentist fucked me for $75,000 over there. It's a great neighborhood, I love it. And those, the architecture over there, the apartment buildings or bananas, the whole area is great. By the way, I just read the whole Wikipedia page

of Mark David Chapman and Lenin. That's what I did on the flight last night. Oh, fuck. There's a photo of Lenin signing an autograph for Mark David Chapman. He's in the photo. Wow. Isn't that crazy?

It's right before the... I think it's hours before. Hours. Because I think he signed the autograph, then he left, and then he came back and did it again. But, and he signed the autograph, then he left, and then he came back and did it again. But, and he asked supposedly Mark David Chapman asked out a woman right by their fan,

and she said no. And he said later in prison, he's like, if she had said yes, I wouldn't have happened. What a prude quiff. Yeah, it's all her fault. These fucking women, they could just suck off a guy occasionally, it would be less murder. Save the world, you coos.

Yeah. Not to mention school shootings, you date the Save the world, you coos. Yeah. Not to mention school shootings, you date the nerd, maybe he won a AK-49. Exactly, let him taste a little puss, little poon tang. Yeah, I got a whole bit about this. But yeah, MDC still alive, Mark David Chapman. Is that right? Yeah, he's out there.

He had the catcher in the rye, all that stuff. He should start a pod. These murderers should be podding because we would like to hear their thoughts That's not bad. That's what the mob guys do. Ah That's right. That's right. They're singing like canaries absolutely. Oh, but you know what I always like to think about the You know, he'd he signed the Chapman then he Goes on with his day probably goes backed up to his apartment, hits Yoko, goes back down, then he gets shot.

He has no idea, his fate, and it's just right there in front of him. It's the same with Alec Baldwin. One day he's eating a craft service, peanut M&M, scene starts, boom, shoots a lady in the face. That could be us. Could be you at any moment, you never know. You get to a certain age, you're like,

we're gonna cruise. I'll be 75 Yes, but our story could still be horribly tragic I know and it could happen at any time You never know you need you go to Chipotle you slip you throw your burrito up and hits a baby the baby dies You're on the paper. Yeah, yeah, I got could be Joe list dead at 43 massive heart attack Which I think I'm gonna have because all I keep eating these buttery cookies That's true. I gotta tell you I guess I'm ready donuts. I ate Not yesterday yesterday before yesterday take a guess one day 24 hour period. Well, what do you what do you at the donut factory?

Yeah, there's a place called POWs donuts PAO Donuts into coma move by the way wheels are in motion. I'm moving to coma. I'll fly back for the pod. I'm out of here. Up here, Jerry. I'm already gone. Oh, wow. All right. Well, let's have a pow wow here. But pow donuts. You got to go, which I got to say a couple things about pow's real quick. I go to pow's. Uh-oh. PAO. Pow. Oh, PAO. Yeah. Pow. It's like a pow. Come on, pow. Yeah, exactly. Can't power up. Best donut I've ever had Yeah, exactly. Cunck, power up. Best donut I've ever had in my life. And they're lovely Asian women. I think they're religious.

They got like little churchy things. OK. I was behind a lady in line. You know me. I'm a real Karen. And this lady, the Northwest is similar to Northeast. Feels like New England over there. Oh, is that right?

Very similar to me. Because you got like the liberally college queers. Then you got some factory. And then you got like factory people. And then you got like the liberally college queers then you get some factory and then you got like factory people and then you got like just redneck-y type people yes so there's a lady in line with the mustache and the coin you know the mustache here and here too well yeah turns me on it tickles the lip dandruff all over boots bundled up and she gets in line she goes a half dozen I hate those people. No hello, no can I get, may I have, how are you?

You understand everything, yeah, just, yeah. Hey, how's it going, let me, you know, you and I, we're just gregarious guys. Yeah, we're living in a society. I like to go, hey, how's it going, what's good today? I'm gonna get a big dozen donuts, you know me, I never missed the beat here, I got, give me seven. Which probably was the donut, my donut theory,

very similar to my pizza theory. Where I say like, if you just get cheese pizza, everyone's okay. Good point. People go, I want a pineapple and pussy pizza. No, they have. And they have one slice of that. And then they go, that cheese looks pretty good.

It's the same with donuts. A classic old fashioned glazed donut. 100% can't. Ah, it's the same with donuts a classic old-fashioned glazed donut 100% can't beat it. It's the best donut. This is what I do So I get a dozen donuts. It's it's there's seven of us counting the baby. So he's not him. This is basically six of us and One of the guys doesn't really like donuts. So anyways, you get donuts so you get a dozen I go give me six glazed and this is the best glazed dough you ever see. It's like a cake, it's this thick. It's sticking on my cup.

Oh boy. And cause I'm like, everyone likes those. I want two of those myself. And then fill out the rest. And the rest is just all into getting thrown away. Like a Boston cream, a sprinkle, a chocolate thing. And people eat like a third of it, whatever. It's a lot.

Exactly, it's sprinkles with a fucking toy truck on top of it, whatever. It's a lot. Exactly, it sprinkles with a fucking toy truck on top of it, blow me. That's why I hate you voodoo cum guzzlers. I know everybody's got a line around the block for the voodoo. Voodoo is poo poo, I hate it, give me a pal me any day. You hear that, whiskers? It should be called doodoo donuts.

Yes. It stinks, but so anyways, we go there, the lady in front just goes half dozen. This lady inspired me. The Asian lady at Pows, Mrs. Pau, whoever she is. I was inspired. I feel like Costanza with Ronnie K. The Prop comic. I was like, I could I got to change my thing because she was so patient. She went, okay, half dozen. You got it yeah chocolate and then the lady gets the one chocolate puts it in goes uh what's that one and then ladies going this oh that's the Boston cream it's filled with booze and fucking poo and whatever nah just like that

I can't handle it I hate it I hate it grunts a series of grunts yes and then finally she gets the sixth donut in there and then the lady closes the box and she goes Actually chocolate crawler and let he goes and a chocolate crawler in addition He goes no instead of that one. It's now he is to reopen the box take out the one I think you have to throw that away because now it's mixed with the other one. Yes, and she couldn't have been nice Oh, no problem Five bucks no, thank you. No nothing. So I went up there and I threw a 20 right in the tip jar. Look at this guy. You're like the mayor.

Yeah, that's a lie. I can't I gotta come clean. That's a lot of money. It just felt like you know, I wanted to say I'm blowing her up. Okay, I get it. What am I gonna ask all but I went hey, how you doing? We're getting a dozen scooply boo highs and hoos. We're I said, you're a great lady, high five. Yes. I took three bucks. All right, all right. That's not nothing. Pow. Three bucks is pretty good.

Very good. That's, it was like 20%, I guess. You know what they need is Yelp for the customers. Hey, hey, whiskers with the boots who's dressed like silver chair. How about you say hello, put some life into it, and stop tell me, like the fact that she has to go, crawla, oh in addition, no, no, instead of that one.

You gotta go, you know what, instead of the other one, give me the crawler. Use your words. Use your words, you fat whore. So then I go, I'm trying to leave positive Google reviews. I go to places I like, cause that helps a business. And a bad review hurts business. So I go on to Pows, best donated ever, nicest people,

couldn't be better. I go on to Pows, best donated ever, nicest people, couldn't be better. I go on the Google reviews, the first review I see, two stars. Ooh! And then I'm like, maybe I'm a crazy. So I read it, it goes, yeah, this plays, I wanna like it. Ah, here we go. But I went by at 7.15, they were closed.

7.15 AM. Then I went to Facebook, their hours aren't posted. I had been there one other time they were closed. Looks like this business just wants to do whatever they want. I recommend hot spot donuts, pot spot instead, with a photo of that place. Gee, how much time does this person have

where they can go to Yelp, write a thing, then go to Facebook, check the hours, see they're not supposed to go back to Yelp, finish their review, then post a photo of another place, get a life! It's unbelievable! It's also like, so you're gonna fuck up their business, bring their rating down because they weren't open at 7.15 AM? Come on. And by the way, 8 o'clock, I think, eight to six, eight to four, perfectly fine hours.

I will say you gotta go early if you're gonna be a doughnut pal. Okay, well maybe they were sad that day, or maybe they ran out of fucking dough, whatever it is, dough, a female deer, I don't know. But to be like, this place sucks, they were closed when I wanted to be open. Yeah, yeah. A bad review should be like, this place sucks. They were closed when I wanted to be open. Yeah, yeah.

A bad review should be like, they spit in my shit, the food was undercooked, they suck. Called me the N word, all things that make me come. But I have a bit about this, but how the Yelp is just, it's just a therapy session disguised as a restaurant review. You just go, oh, you're bipolar. Like that's what you come, you don't know anything about the food.

Like he didn't even mention the donut. Well that's the thing too, is like, if I was looking for food if I because I'm done I'll do read reviews to see like let's see what they say about this place if one of the reviews is they weren't open at 715 I'm like, I don't give a shit. How's the food? I'm going at 3 p.m. Yeah. Well that too. Yeah, but anyways I recommend Pows donuts and I got to give a shout out to I don't even know these people but Treat in Burien, Washington the single best cookie I've ever had in my life. I just ate one. I should show it, but I ate it.

I saw it. It was the size of Chuck's asshole. It was huge. It's unbelievable. Chocolate chips in it as well. Treat in Burien, Washington. Check that out. Pacific Northwest, they're good with sweets. Yeah. No pizza. You can't find a slice of pizza to save your ass.

Yeah. Well, this is a sad... It's kind of gloomy up there. I think they need a little sugar just to not kill themselves. It's gloomy. I'll tell you what else you can't find a slice of pizza to save your ass. Yeah, well, this is a sad, it's kind of gloomy up there. I think they need a little sugar just to not kill themselves. It's gloomy, I'll tell you what else you can't find is a bagel shop. Jews are really the chosen people. Wow.

When it comes to bagels and tunnels, yes. I don't know about other stuff. But here in New York, every 12 feet, you got, well, there's Sadie Kofax. We got one. And I think, Hank Greenbom never heard of him but hey sounds like a he even yogi bear as a wop yeah why does he seem chewy I think he seems to be and he's funny yeah he's funny yeah

but any who there's no any Jew there's no bagels out there. No, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel, no bagel. Stop. You forget how lucky we are here in New York. I can walk 11 feet, go give me an egg and cheese and a side of hash browns and shove them directly in my asshole. You got that right. You go to the Pacific Northwest, Derek and I drove around

with like those big safari hats and the roof cut off and the graph roting, trying to get a bagel sandwich. Yeah, you look at it, there's one, is that a green bomb? What is that? You Google bagels near me and it literally says Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks. Oh, that's a bitch. It's the Einstein Brothers 300 miles away.

You can't go, you can't, there's no bagels. There's no Jews, there's not gonna make them. I know, it's funny because a dough donut is so close to a bagel, it's round, it's got a hole in it, it's dough, but it ain't it. Dough! So take a guess, how many donuts I had? Oh, big pal, let's see.

Don't go too crazy, I'm not gay. I'll say five. Five is the correct answer. Hey! I had five! And these are donuts, I mean, I'm talking, this is the best donut I've ever had. Thickies.

It's thick and it's a puck. There's no hole either. It's a... What? Maybe there's a hole. It's gotta have a hole or else it's a cake. Small, tiny hole. That's a cupcake.

You couldn't even fuck the thing. I could do it. I actually think maybe there's no hole. I can't picture it now. But anyways, I can't see Peter. Pull up a pound. How donut? PAO donut.

I mean, this thing is this size. I ate five. Wow. Well, here's how it happens. You know, this thing is this size. I ate five. Wow. Well, here's how it happens. You know, you wake up, you go for a drive, you wanna go see the town, you're exploring, you're looking for bagels, and I got the dozen in my lap.

I'm riding shotgun. Wow. And so I eat one, and then you go, well, I'll have a second. Yeah. Doughnuts isn't crazy. You eat a second, then we drive around, we can't find any bagels.

So then we're back to the house. Now it's been an hour. I'm like, well, I'm still hungry, but what am I gonna do? I'm not gonna just start making breakfast. I'll eat a third donut. Yeah, true. Then mid-afternoon, watching football, watching the playoffs. I eat playoffs. I eat lunch and you go, I like a dessert after lunch. I go, there's a fucking dozen donuts, a little lunch dessert. So I think it's fair to say you bought these for you. No, there's 12. Oh, I think there's six. I ate five out of 12.

That's seven for the other people. That's one each. Okay, okay. This is more a mental disorder. No one else can eat a second. Everyone else is like, I can't eat a second donut. I'm full to the rim. I got an empty pit down here.

Yeah, you could put some bread down. I certainly can. I appreciate that. Okay. So then the end of the night, you eat dinner some bread down. I certainly can, I appreciate that. Okay. So then, the end of the night, you eat dinner, and it's like time for bed, it's the last day vacation, and there it is, the cheese stands alone, one donut left.

Yep. And you go, all right, well I might as well just right in the ass. Why not, it's food, you need sustenance, so Bailo goes west. Five. They have a little tiny libel. It's like a little lanus, a little tiny hole. A little tiny hole.

Very, very, very, very close. It's almost like it's closed. So you can't really... A closed hole. Oh, okay. It's like a hymen. Exactly. You can put a pinky in there.

Break it. That'd be funny if the jelly rolled out after you broke the hymen. All right. Anyway, you got some stuff? Give me some shit. Give me the bit. Goodness. Well, I wanted to talk about this Yelp business

because these two star mofos really chapped my circumcision. So that's why you call a customer service now and it goes, boop, boop, boop. If you want the website, here it is. We recommend using our app. We recommend Touch Tone. Is that how you want it?

Do you like it in the ass? Press one. Do you like Puerto Ricans? Press two. And you're like, just give me a human, but they can't because they don't want to deal with the crawler. They don't want to deal with that, Coos. Exactly. And it's very frustrating. And the society's gone a little bonkers. Safe to say. And yeah, I don't know what to do about all of it. Yeah. I think you're right. It's a bad time. Then we got an election year, and a war, and a China, and a flu pandemic. Who knows. So yeah. Hey folks, Tuesday's Story is brought to you by Sheeth Underwear. If you're tired of your boxes turning into a sweaty, tangled mess of fabric every day, you need to switch to

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Yee-haw, get on it. Now I wanna throw this in here, Dick Cole, went to Tampa. I loved it, we did that festival? Well I was there, well I was there, but I was doing the Tampa Theater, and I gotta say, I don't know if it gets to do if it's on the map or what the hell on the grid grid That's one of the great comedy towns. No question about it I mean, it's got to be top five but nobody brings it up

It's it's like a Gaffigan or a Regan like these are killers and they don't need it's prior It's Carlin. It's Seinfeld. It's Chappelle. It's rock, but Louie Tampa baby. I think we bring it up. Okay side splitters is always in there. That's the one club I never miss every year for 15 years. We did the bachelor party there You got that right, right? I mean I say it all the time I'm like I kill harder and tamper than any city ever so good old BT You know him the the tall cup of jizz that he is he's got to be 612 if he's a foot I think yeah 6 6 maybe the The best club owner there is.

Great guy worked his way up, kicked the old drunk toupee mofo out of there and took the reins. He sure did. It's great he built the green room, he's got a back patio, the drinks are flowing, he put some food in that bitch. Boss go sticks. Yeah, there you go. But he goes, hey, between you, me, and the Cougars, what do you say, come down at night early

and do a little pop-up? And I go, well, I got an agent. I got a manager. They'll sue me. They're Jews. They eat bagels. And he goes, we'll get bit, you know, word of mouth. I go, OK. Well, you know, word of mouth.

I go, okay, well I don't know about that. I don't like to fly in a day early. He goes, well the festival's going on. A bunch of your pals are here. You know, you got your Mike Cannons and your Jeff Dyes and your other guy. Rosebud and Haines. Somebody else that seemed fun.

So I go, that's pretty good. He goes, well how about this for a little guarantee? And I go, I'll be there. Right. And we go down, me and Sean Murphy open. We went and did, but there's the thing about side splitters that they don't tell you. It's an 11, no, it's a 1030 show.

That puppy started at 1215. What? Well, there's three shows ahead of me, because it's a fest, so it's like an all day thing. So what's a Saturday night? Thursday. Oh, because the fest is why the show's open. Yeah, so there's a two o'clock, there's a movie thing,

there's a crowd work show, a pow wow, donuts, all kinds of stuff, so then I get pushed back. So, I mean it was a rowdy drunk late night crowd, but we had a good time, Jeff Dye opened, and then Murphy, it meddled, and we just green roomed it up for a Shaw's there Dave Williams in his air Matt broussard all the whole gang wow it was a it was a who's who of who's not and so then the next day the bucks hit me up Tampa Bay bucks I remember hearing about this yes and they go you want to see the

stadium and I go of course I'm gonna send you the photos there see note cuz You get there and it's just like you know that wide open stadium beautiful Jumbotron soup to nuts Wow They put on the trunk. I'll show you the photo. Oh my god, and then they go how about this bag and they throw me a jersey Norman on the back Jersey I'm a liberal buck Wow So we me and Murphy walked around like a couple of tards and then Rosebud showed up with the baby and Andy was there

We went up on the pirate ship. They got cannons Mike cannon great time Oh my God, got to love a pirate ship. Love those bucks, so then we do two at the Tampa Theater. And they won. And they won with the Beat the Eagles. We do two at the Tampa Theater that night. Both show one of those magical nights, everything's cooking, I did some Stephen Hawking stuff, and you do the Florida chunk up top where you trash them

and make fun of them and praise them at the same time? They love that. They love it. And then I go, whistling, after I finish, throw me the jersey and I go, and go bucks! I hold up the jersey. Wow! When I say this was an OV, I was like January 6th in there.

Ah! Some guy with an elk hat on, stormed the stage. We had a fucking hoot in a hanny. Oh my God, that was this before or after the game? This was before, the game was on a Monday. This was a Friday. Oh, that's right, they played Monday night. Yeah, yeah, so it was like,

there's still some hope in the air. I mean, they did win, but you know, when you give them their own jersey, and then like, I love Tampa, I did my bachelor party here, I love it, I've been coming to Side Splitters for 28 years, I love Tampa. I did my bachelor party here. I love it. I've been coming to side splitters for 28 years. The whole thing. Hulk Hogan, Carol Baskin, the whole WWE Scientology,

you know, Burke Kreischer, whatever. And we had a great time. Wow, Tampa's great. Tampa rules. I love Tampa, the strip clubs, the G-bars, the old ladies. St. Pete, Clearwater. The mosquito nets, the beaches.

Yes, Mazvinas, 2001. Pete Clearwater, the mosquito nets, the beaches, Yes, Mazvinas, 2001, the highway, the impossible left turns across all the traffic, the coarse grass, all that stuff. Well they love it, it's all pipes and my father's gay and the whole nine and then we had to drive to Jacksonville the next day which is a little uh, anti-climatic? Thank you! Jacksonville not a comedy town! Not really! I've never worked in Jacksonville one time my whole life ever

and I don't even get people being like you gotta come to Jacksonville maybe three people ever. They have a club but... What is it, a funny tits? No, it's a comedy zoo zone. Comedy zone? Yeah. But isn't the zone used to be one of those ones? You work 12 or you work zero?

Kind of, yeah, it's like kids. But yeah, I don't know. It's not really a comedy town, you're right. It's North Florida, which is a different world up there. It's a little more hillbilly, a little more country, and a little more ghetto. It's like hillbilly, half, ghetto, half. Yeah, see Derek, my friend Derek,

is in the merchant marine business, and that's like a big port town in his work and they wanted to come to Jacksonville all the time and it was years ago he was like I might have to go to Jacksonville but I was like but then you're gonna have and with all due respect to everybody from Jacksonville but I was like then you're gonna have Jacksonville kids. You're gonna have a shirtless kid with shark teeth around his neck. Right, right. And he's gonna drink, you know, butt heavy out of a can.

Maybe a monster in his truck. Plus, by the way, the Jaguars. Worst sports team ever. Worst name, logo, colors, the Jaguars. At least teal. Go funny and go cougar, because it's Florida, the fake tits, the bad tan lady, cougar. They should be the Panhandle Cougars.

No, we're cooking. That's the football name. Okay, so, and I don't wanna shit on them too much, we had a good show and it was great. No, it's great, I love Jacksonville, one of the best cities. But, it's a pretty city. Like I stayed in the double tree right downtown, you got the river running through with the bridges,

they're all illuminated and the skyscrapers and the whole thing, but yeah, it does have that kind of sleepy Florida vibe. It's not as tropical and beachy as Tamp. Yeah, you just don't hear about it much in relation to comedy. It's like Orlando, there's a lot of. Yay, Miami even.

Miami is one of the worst comedy towns. I think that's what makes Tamp is so great. It's because like Orlando is an awful city. Miami is a great town but not a great comedy town. No, no, no. It's a booming metropolis. I mean, it's like one of the gems of America, Miami, I'd say, but it's not for comedy. It's too sexy. It's too cokey and it's too... Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay! Yeah, I think nobody really sells well there or as well. It's like if you sell well in Miami, you're blowing the roof off the place.

Yes, yes, exactly. Because I think, yeah, like you said, they're at... Exactly, they got Maracas and fake asses. Yeah, exactly. But Tampa is the best town in Florida and top five comedy city. Easy. Easy, baby. I completely agree. And one of those weekends though that, you know, okay, you land in Tampa, you rent a car, you do the show secretly without telling your agent

to talk about it on a podcast, then you go to bed, you wake up, you do two at the theater, you go to bed, you get in your car, you drive to Jacksonville, you do that show, you go to bed, you return the rental car, you get on a plane, you go home. Without a hitch, when you got that perfect sequence of events and it all clicks, you gotta be grateful for that. No hitch. That's what I want to live my life. Never seeing the film hitch. Yes, yes. I didn't mind it.

Lilo and hitch. Kevin James is all right. But yeah. That's him and Will Smith, right? Yeah, yeah, Hitch is good snitches. But that's great. I love Tampa. I think I'm back there sometime. I'm so bad with my calendar. BT's ready for you. And he's just a level head of guy we got, you know, we're doing the check in the green room, and I'm like, who's good? who sucks, how do you do it? And he does that, oh, buddy. And he just unloads on you.

It's so fun to get the private jizz. That was the best impression you've ever done of anybody. Oh, is that right? That was really good. Yeah, nobody knows BT, but that was really nailed it. Got Donald Duck and BT, and that's it. Go get a duck. Woo!

Woo! Oh, that's good. All right. Roger Rabbit. Go to the duck. Go to the duck. Wow. Oh, that's good. All right. Roger Rabbit. You do Roger Rabbit. Please. That's not bad. All right, I got three.

We got three. Two are cartoons. It's no Chewbacca. Oh, that wasn't your best performance. Oh man, I think he's got Larry and Jai. What? Something like that. I think it's a little deeper.

Oh, we're getting there. And I I think it's a little deeper. Blrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm fucking dying here. Oh fucking dying. We can do a fucking two-man. You're gonna be okay Say the goddamn words Not bad. All right. All right Yeah, that's what I got. Yeah, I like it. I like it. Don't forget the spaceship That might be number one Well, it's a fire by the way of which, I saw a bald eagle in Tacoma. Oh, wow. Gotta get the propitia.

I did a shh. I tried to call. Oh, yeah. I saw a one-hike. We saw an owl. I put the photos on Insta like a crazy owl, like eye contact. Oh, yeah. They swivel.

The head swivel. The neck. My god, do they swivel. They swivel like me on the subway. Just head on a swivel the head swivel the neck God did they swivel they swivel like me on the subway just head on a swivel But yes a big owl and a bald eagle. I'm moving It's God's country. I'm walking around going I can live in Queens or here. Wow your bald He saw Ari all the eagle coming right through that's a great Rickles joke. You're either you're either the eagle or a Jew

That's a great Rickles joke. You're either an eagle or a Jew. Is that his? I didn't know that. Well, he just said, are you a Jew or an eagle? Which is classic. But yeah, I've seen a bald eagle before, years ago, also up there, West Seattle in Lincoln Park. Not the shitty band.

But it was up on the top of the tree at the shitty Beatles. And it was eating a fish. And the fish thing was going like this. So I've seen a bald eagle eating a fish. and the fish thing was going like this, so I've seen a ball of it, eating a fish, but this time I saw it in flight, Jared. Wow, easy, Hile. Wow. It flew right in, and I have a camera that I,

like a little point and shoot that zooms in, and I left it at the house, and it's like one of these, like, I could have just smacked it right in my face. It's like your camera gets a boner. Exactly, but I forgot it, which sucked. I brought it the next day, no eagle. Then we saw an owl and seals everywhere. Seals up the air.

Yeah, good singer. And you're hoping to see orcas, but what are you gonna do? But Mount Rainier out there. Seal of approval. The seals, the Rainier, the eagles, the owls, bunch of great teams. And Tacoma Comedy Club just all sold out thanks to everybody that came out.

My God, what a great club that downtown's a little frightening. Yeah, a little messy out there. You get the freaky whites. Well, this is what's weird about downtown Tacoma or downtown Seattle, San Francisco, those West Coasty towns where you walk through a parking lot and there's smashed glass literally in every single parking spot. So then you park your car and comedian, you're the last one out, you gotta wait around, get paid.

I sold shirts, so I got about three grand in cash. I'm gonna fuck it. Oh boy, oh boy. I got a wife in like high heeled boots and I'm walking out, I'm like, we're gonna die. I'm gonna have to get killed or handsome all my money. Because the thing is, all those smashed clapp,

those are people that are smashing windows to steal stuff. Yes. They're existing somewhere. I know, they're walking around. Yeah, and they could be watching you with a periscope right there, Fanny. Exactly, so it's a little unsettling and then you see your car,

it's 300 miles down the road, you're like, here we go, and it's just all empty parking lots You start to understand the gun thing you're like well, I kind of get it now I'm not a gun guy, but or how about the guy you knew growing up was like I got a blackjack Some weird thing that extended remember that thing the blackjack. That's what I think they call the blackjack or a Wand or a knickerbocker. It was something. Leap that easy. That's a name. It's like a pop and lock. I don't know. Smash and grab. I got friends that have weapons and family members certainly that have weapons, but you get it. The gun thing is interesting because you're like Sam

Harris made this point that made guns make sense to me, like without guns, the biggest guy wins. Of course. Like it is like guns are an equalizer in some way. Like if there was no guns, unless you don't have a gun. Lewis Gomez would just be the president. He would just be smashing everyone's heads like he wouldn't have to do whatever Lewis wanted.

Well then he'd have to be fight Dante Nero. And then now that we have a new king or whatever the hell. I mean it does make sense, cause you're like otherwise people could just be like, no, no, you're MCing. I'll pound you head in the pavement. You gotta be able to shoot Lewis.

Yeah, the president would be Dante Culpepper. But yeah, no, it's true. I mean, what is it, a might is right or whatever the hell that whole thing was? I don't know that. I don't know it either. It's a man, I know. Mighty mouse.

But either way, it's true, but that's the thing about Tacoma is Seattle, you know, two Washington cities. Seattle's got a little crunch. It's got some fentanyl, some heroin, some voodoo doughnuts, some hippie-dippy. Then you go to Tacoma, and it's blue collar, it's working man, it's all that shit,

so it's a lot different. There's some hippie-dippies there too, but I always, whenever I went to Tacoma, I worked at the club, so I stayed at the hotel, Merango, whatever it's called, and you'd go, all right, let me go walk around, because at that time, Derek and his family, they lived in West Seattle, which was 45 minutes away,

so I would just be on my own at Tacoma for a weekend. You walk around, you're like, this is the worst place I've ever been. Now I know the city. Right. It's spectacular. Is it the one with the hills that you gotta walk up? It's all hills.

Yeah. It's a Tacoma Dome. Yes. And big venue, by the way. That's like a hot venue, apparently. Tacoma Dome? Yeah. It's a shithole, but I think it's fun.

Oh, really? I mean, it's just like the lineups. I'm like, well, Pearl Jam and Van Halen and me. Yeah, I guess so. But Tacoma is pretty point-to-fiance. Next time you're there, you're going to point-to-fiance. One of the great parks in America. And I know all the hotspots now.

OK. And then we were there. And there's a second club. They opened a smaller club on Sixth Avenue, which is a cool spot. Really? And Erica Rhodes was there. So we hit up. I hit up Erica, said,

hey, let's go have lunch. So me and Luke Moniz and Sarah and the baby and Erica all had a nice lunch. I love comics. It's good to come together. Bump into the comics on the road and you have a nice diner hang, which I always say when I die,

the thing I'll miss most is sitting in a diner with a bunch of comics. That's what it's all about. Isn't it crazy, I don't know how we're doing on time there, choo choo. Okay, isn't it crazy we li- I don't know how we're doing on time there, Choo Choo. Okay, isn't it crazy? Comedy is so great for America because we live on a land mass that has multiple cities that you can fly to. We all speak the same language and they all need comedy. There's clubs everywhere. And they can just go fly there and go home. Yeah, we really-

It's such a great system. Worked out a pretty good life here. We really did. I mean, can you do that in frankfort i don't think you can i think you go to other european countries i guess you gotta go to get across borders now that's a whole kit and caboodle border crossing yes grants uh... caravan and the caravan is all on the way of that i think that was pretty good for a

second there not bad this is the impression episode. Oh, hey, Monet. Uh, Luke Monet. Oh, hey, Monet, Monet. But yeah, Tacoma rules, I'm moving there, I'll fly back for the pod, it's beautiful. There you go, not inconvenient at all. Well, I'll get my diamond status.

Hey, you got that right, mine goes away and fib. Yikes. Bummer. By the way, how about this guy? We flow yesterday and I'm trying to be, you know, less interactive with the people, trying to be less caring, but boy, I really wanted to snap. How about this guy? We're lining up. How about this, by the way? The system right when I had a baby. My whole life. I've been flying. I've worked my way up to diamonds. So a lot of times I get first class now because I'm diamonds, so I get upgraded.

All, even when you have first class, they go, anyone needing extra time with young families, babies, they're forced. Then it's military. Then first class, Burr has a great bit about it. There's some old people in there as well, I think. Yeah, whoever needs extra time. Disability, yeah, yeah.

So I'm still third. Now I finally decide to come around, have a baby when I'm 49 years old, probably too late. I'll die when he's six. But I'll get on that plane first. Well, Delta goes ahead and changes their policy. What? I swear to God.

Now it goes first class, then families. Whoa. So, and it's frustrating because I'm first class anyways with the family, but you got to deal with all the people piling on and you do need extra time because when you get to the bottom you got to take the baby out of the stroller, take the stroller off, take the carriage, pink tag it, and then get them all scooped up so then everyone's passing you. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, ah!

I'm like tripping people, trying to keep them spot. Oh, wow. So, right when I had the baby, they switched the baby priority. I got fucked. Damn! I can't believe they flopped that because kids was always, you know, that's a priority. It's the only reason I had a kid. There you go.

But, so how about this guy? So, we're all waiting and the flight was delayed like three hours. And I have a theory when the longer a flight is delayed, the more people gather around when it's time to board. Of course, yeah. It's a subconscious thing where you're like, I'm getting on this fucker. Yes, so everyone's doing that

and everyone's already gathered. And then this guy, they haven't even started boarding yet. Big handsome white, look like Andy Haynes if he was like even hotter. And had nutrition and stronger Yeah, all right, so he's very handsome boy both of them This guy cuts right in front of everyone and wriggles his way all the way in the little aisle they make You know like when they put the two ropes like this is where we're going

Oh, yeah, yeah, he just goes to the front of it even though he haven't even started bored There's like three wheelchairs in front of him. He's just like, I'm gonna be the first one after the wheelchairs. So then he's there and then they go, okay, old ladies, then military, the military people have to walk around him. Cause he's standing there, blocking the way, which is whatever. See, we all have that thought of like, I'd like to be the first one, but you gotta hide it a little.

You can't be that obvious. Exactly. Pau's donuts. So he goes, he's the first one on. He's sitting right in front of me. Got the cuck-powl. Now I just kind of hate the guy a little bit. It didn't take.

But whatever, he's fine. Then the end of the flight, he never moves his seat up. He's got the seat back like this, which is fine. But when you land, he's supposed to put it up. Yeah. I know the rules. So whatever, he doesn't do it. So now Sarah's got to, she's got the window seat.

She's got the baby. She has to walk out. I have to move his seat up for him Oh, he left it back there that he does this move. This is a first-time flyer. What the hell he poses code out This sounds great something I'm making this up You know when you're all packed in there like the the seatbelt thing is off, but we haven't door has opened I know yeah, bomb so everyone stuck like this in the aisle. He puts his coat on like this, like the, Oh my Lord. Like the cable guy in the bathroom,

where he flips the coat on. He literally whips three people in the face, like this. Jesus. Bros his coat on like that. And I'm like, this guy's a psycho. It was a young Asian lady with a mask next to me. And she looks, and she was like, like that. We had, we shared like a, what a fucking piece of shit.

Sure. And I did like an overly LOL. I'm like, this guy we had, we shared like a, what a fucking piece of shit. And I did like an overly LOL. I'm like, this guy, did that move, which was a little passive aggressive. We get off, I'm like, Sarah, did you see that? She didn't see it. She had the baby. I'm like, he took his coat off.

What a piece of shit. We agree. He's a piece of shit. What is it? James Brown with the whip. So a half hour later we go, we got to check our bags. It's a nightmare traveling now. You get all your stuff.

We go out to where you get the lifts Who do we see this guy looking at his phone in the doorway like he's in the Like just postured up in the exit. I'm like you're blocking another exit. No, no awareness none Jerry stinks while This is the difference between me and this guy. I don't know who this is. I'm picturing the Gronk. I don't know why. It's Gronky. OK.

I'm a little Gronky myself. Gronky talk, woman. So I go to, I'm 1K on United, which is as high as you can get. You know, 1K better than three. So I go, they go, baby, military, first class, or no, 1K in first class or even. Even though I'm not in first class, I'm still 1K. Oh, okay.

It just means like, you're the top shit status, but you're still in the back. I guess it's like Diamond, but it doesn't mean you're gonna get in first class. So the guy goes, pre-boarding, pre-boarding, kids, military, and I'm like, all right, 1K is coming, and he goes blah, blah, blah, some other stuff, you know, and then I go, boop, and he goes,

what are you, and I go, I'm 1K, and he goes, I haven't called that yet, and I go, oh geez, all right, and then you gotta walk back and you're so ashamed, because everyone knows that you were trying to scoot up. So I go, oops, all right, like you said, 1K, I'm making sure everybody sees it, and then he waits and he stares at me and he goes 1k and I go up and I go boop, but I go that was really good. I yeah, how you waited seven seconds

Then he let me on but that was about it. I've seen that I hate that I know the move and It's all a nightmare. It's a power move with With the baby, it's a whole extra bag of hammers. Yeah. He starts squiggling and crying, and you're like, ah! Oh, I can't imagine the anxiety that must be. Is he screaming? Because now you're the guy.

You're the guy going, oh yeah, that's my miscarriage. It was an accident. Well, if something with my friend Eric is like, you got to just not give a shit, fuck them. It doesn't matter. It's a baby. He's crying. He doesn't know any better. Anyone that's mad at a baby is a piece of shit, but I just not give a shit. Fuck them. It doesn't matter. You're just, it's a baby. He's crying, he doesn't know any better. Anyone that's mad at a baby is a piece of shit.

But I've been mad at babies my whole life. Same, same abortion. Matt Wayne brought up a great point though. He's like, I don't even notice babies anymore. I have noise canceling headphones. He's like, I haven't been upset about a baby on a plane in years. Because you do have noise canceling,

you just turn the volume up. It's not a big of a deal. That's the move. But I'm the opposite. The baby's crying. I'm like shoving bottles in his mouth Of course my thumb in his ass. I got duck taping his face. I'm like, yeah, I can't have anyone upset with me Remember that Louis bit. Oh, sorry

No, he rings the kid's neck cuz he's got a crying baby. No like what the fuck man? What are you gonna do about it? He's like, oh, yes, sir, and he like snuffs the baby They're like, what the fuck, man? What are you going to do about it? He's like, oh, yes, sorry. He snuffs the baby out in the bin. I don't remember that. The one I remember is, you know why babies cry on airplanes. They're mad that Gays are going to marry.

Come on, that's cold. All right, we got to wrap this thing up. You got that right, Fettie. Let me look at my dates. What do you got? I'm bad at plugging the dates. Well, this is the 29th of Jan, folks. Is that right?

We're almost out of this month. February is it coming. My mom's birthday, black history. The other guy, Barty Grah. Okay, well, I'm in Traverse City tomorrow. What's the 30th? Is that what this comes out? 29th at night.

Oh, okay, it comes out Monday. Monday with stories. Traverse City Wednesday night in Michigan and then Comedy Mothership, which I think is sold out February 8th through the 10th and then Springfield, Missouri, February 22nd through the 24th. We got Good Nights in Raleigh, March 14th through the 16th, Pittsburgh improv the 28th through the 30th. Oh, don't forget March 5th, Tuesdays with stories

at the Gramercy. Oh, baby doll. Burlington, Vermont, April 12th. That's my mom's birthday. There you go. Buffalo, I'm coming back April 15 Vermont, April 12th. That's my mom's birthday. There you go. Buffalo, I'm coming back April 15th through the 27th. And Indianapolis, May 9th through the 11th. St. Louis, Fonniebone, May 16th through the 18th.

Of course, the big one, the big daddy, the granddaddy, May 2nd, Regent Theater in Los Angeles. Sunny, Skid Row, be there for that. And yeah, check out all this stuff. Check out my YouTube, I'm putting a ton of videos up there, Instagram, all the shit, punch up live. He's killing it, Danny. Dot com, Danny Frankel, our main squeeze, our main guy.

Hey, this week, oh sorry. This week I'm in Lexington, Kentucky, then Charlotte, North Carolina. Take your shirt off. Wave it around like a helicopter. San Antonio, Houston, going back to Tejas. Then we're in Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, with the Andy Haines opening actually.

Oh, I love the Haines. Yeah, Atlanta, Hot Lanna, and Raleigh, coming to you, Paramount and Austin, Texas as well, so that's all of February, then we got Tucson and Phoenix. So MarkNormanComedy.com also on Punch-Up. Go get some bodega cat, get on the fucking Patreon. It's cooking, it's blazin', it's rockin', it's rollin'. Yes.

All kinds of good content and more to come, more to Kai. Oh yeah, we got big stuff coming very soon the picture that you're just gonna blow your tits off us Live doing crazy shit you got that right Fanny. We'll see you now folks Sorry check out my podcast fun bearable We'll be doing a live show at the comedy connection in Providence, Rhode Island And it'll be me Ray Harr Rohr, and our buddy Doug Key. Hey, the Keymaster. And I'm sure another comic to be added,

but it's called The Winter Funderland Show. Go to funbearablepod.com. That's gonna be on Sunday, February 25th. So check out funbearablepod.com for tickets and come out to the Comedy Connection in Rhode Island. Oh yeah, a couple of specs. Carmen Lynch on YouTube is great. Doug Key on YouTube is great, they're specials.

Sam Talent put out a special, Dusty Slay put out a special. My God, it's a lot of specials. Get them, get on it. Get on it, folks. It's all happening. Bye.