Tuesdays with Stories! - #541 Stop the Steal

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

It's another wacky Tuesdays -- in Gotham Studios! Joe takes a pro-Karen stance, and deals with a rescue mission on the subway! Mark takes on the Beacon Theatre, and sheds some light on a recent mystery! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show & get 50% off of Factor at https://www.factormeals.com/TUESDAYS50 & use code TUESDAYS50 - Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping with the code TUESDAYS at https://www.manscaped.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to say. Ha! Here we are. We're all over the road. We're in a weird place. This is a felty, furry greenery here.

We got monitors. Yeah, I don't like the monitor. I can see myself all the better they see at us than Chuck. But hey, what can you do? We're in the We Might Be Drunk offshoot. I've been drinking. Gotham, right? Is this Gotham Studios?

Is there like another Gotham studio? Everything's called Gotham. There's a comedy club. There's a Gotham city with Batman. There's a new Gotham's. I know what happened. I did Luke Monus's, started a new podcast, and I got bumped up to the first guest. Isn't that nice?

When they got as much canned? Very flattering. Then you do your episode and they go, we're releasing this first. Cans. That's a nice feeling, Cans Film Festival. Yes, Con. But I think he typo'd me.

He was like, hey, it'll be at the, where are we, Gotham Studios. And I was like, great, Midtown, sucked my dick. Easy peasy. Sends the address and it's like, you know, Staten Island. And I was like, oh, that's not the right studio. He told me the wrong studio.

Yeah, do you have, I mean, I live in Manhattan currently. So I get the, well you do my podcast and I always go alright I'll do it. It's some some homeless guy and he goes alright here. It is and he sent it to me. I'm like oh Thank God it's not Brooklyn Always thank God it's not Brooklyn well That's cuz you're dumb and you confirm before you saw the address that's true. That's no good I go where the day the time your parents address I need your parents phone number just in case something goes

wrong yeah and then if it's anywhere outside of a story I say thank you no thank you what are they for pods in Astoria well there's big ones stavros okay and used to be there that's true that's two and a half and and mindful metal jacket sometimes the big three. Yep the big ones. Well, this is how funny we think we're disorganized You know we got a medley here a bouquet Book a broiler Louis Gomez texted me and Sam and he goes hey podcast Skanks tomorrow you in Sam's like yeah, I'm in. Then Sam has to side text me and goes, where is it?

And I go, oh, it's at the stand. He didn't even know that. And then he goes, what time? And I go, 8.30. So I'm telling him the time, he didn't even tell us the time or the day or the location. And why doesn't Sam text the guy who showed us? I think he's, you know, he's off.

He's doing stuff. He's raising kids. He's fist fighting neighbors. Oh, he didn't want to bother Lewis. I guess so. Now, do you have, are those stripes over there? You can't see them on camera Are they throwing you off because it's a wonky? I don't look at them. I got your knee I don't look at them. I look at you and then over there. I have a side wonk. There's definitely a walk. It doesn't read It's it's it's vibrating. It's a side walk vibrate exactly. So

SWV Okay, isn't that that group SWV yeah who that was a group SWV. I think they sang, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never get it. I didn't know they had an abbreviation. I think so. Yeah, there's TLC. And SUV.

Yeah, yeah. And then there's IUD. CSI. IUD. Miami. Yeah, that's true. SVU. That's a good show.

Anyway, so we're in this wonky, wacky studio. We're at Wrigley Field here. It feels like the US Open or something. Oh, yeah. The table's a little crooked, no? Oh, yeah, it's drunk. Chuck is dead. We fucked up.

I fucked up. I chucked up. He'll be back. Yeah, sorry. But he'll be back. He's up. I fucked up. I chucked up. He'll be back. Yeah. Sorry, but he'll be back. He's coming. He's around to two Chuckless episodes. Not on purpose. He was on the cruise and then I don't know what happened today. Oh, this nephew. I guess that's what happened was I was driving back. I stayed in Boston all weekend to watch football and hang out and then driving back. Drive with the baby is a different

situation because he shits, you have to pull over, you gotta feed him so it's like an hour. And I'm all about making good time. You can't make good time with a baby. And the other time you get back you woke up at six and so we shifted to today. Well that's what's fun about you having a baby because you're all about time, you're all about management, you're all about a plan and a baby puts a pinky right in your bee hole with a plan, with anything, and you got to deal with that now. I know, it's rough, and I'm a very on-timey guy, and I like to be... what's the word for on time? Be aggressive. No. Punctual. Punctual. I like being punctual, and what are you gonna do?

So, and then now, when I go out and do things, I left my wife sitting there barefoot in the kitchen. So I gotta get back. She's got a spot, the whole thing. Oh, so you gotta get back so she can go to the spot. I gotta alleviate her so she can go do some comedy. Got it. Oh man, that is tough.

Hold on, I had a thing and I lost it. You got the kid. Kid. Be aggressive. Chuck. New studio. Oh, studio lost it people gonna be furious about the these arms here Oh, you don't like it. I don't mind. I'm saying they're gonna be furious. Yeah, I had this before a little Intrusive I guess we had that at the the original studio at labs. Did labs have these yeah? I think they did. Oh yeah, we had cans too.

Cans. They're fun to lean on at least. I don't know. Yeah, I like the lean. But wait, so you got the baby and he has thrown off the whole rhythm. It's all out of rhythm. Cicadian rhythm. Oh, I got it back. Hit me with it, please. So, Salicus has a child and we were hanging out the other night or the other day and he's like, I gotta go pick up my kid from school. And I was like, oh, weird. I'll go with you. I don't know this world and I'm not allowed at the school but I go by there. They don't recognize me and it's just thousands of kids running around and parents going,

hey, I'm here and then the kid runs up, they hug and you leave with it. And then there's a security guy at the end going all right you look enough like him right you get to leave which very Loose system very lax. Yes, and then he takes his kid to a playground Where all the other school kids are playing and he just goes run free and I was I was fascinated It's a weird world and it's crazy because I went to my nephew's basketball game, he's seven. By the way, one of the teams just torched the other team. It's weird when you watch sports when people are seven because there's no tryouts, everyone's on the team.

And some kids, they're just full retard. They throw it up, it goes backwards. And you can tell who has an older brother because they're just draining shots, they can dribble, they're going underneath and it's wacky and you're next to the dad. You gotta figure out who you're next to. Yes, yes.

Cause you gotta be like, please show me a sign. Cause you don't wanna be like, what's up with the rain man out there? And then he's like, that's my son piece of shit. But that's what's awkward. You gotta just hope your kid isn't special needs. Cause then it's, what's the point of living? Completely or hope he's black.

Maybe we'll make a point. But also Salak use, I was like, I'm freaking out. There's too many kids running around. One kid hits a kid, they're fighting. They're making out over here. I'm like, this is too much stimulus, I can't do it. And he goes, well, my kids, I've had eight years of learning to be patient.

And I remember being like, oh yeah, that's a good point. You had to condition yourself over time to get yelled at, to change dirty diapers, get, yeah, that's a good point. You had to condition yourself over time to get yelled at, to change dirty diapers, get pissed on, that whole thing, and you're in the middle of it. But I think, that was cute, you hear that? No. Oh, it was squeaky fur, it was nice.

But I think Salakius though, he's a modest guy, he's humble, he's gay, he's been like that. Don't you think? Well, I don't know, I didn't know him before, kid. But I bet, it's not like he was a high strung, where's my kid? That's true, that. Don't you think? Well, I don't know. I didn't know him before, kid. But I bet he, it's not like he was like a high strung, where's my kid? That's true, that's true. And now he's cool as a cucumber.

That's who he is. It's not like he had a seven-year-old and all of a sudden he likes confronting homeless people, which I'm about to have him on my mental jacket because I want to get to the bottom of that guy. He's a buddhinsky, we call him. Right. Because he likes to get in there.

He'll see a guy with a with a safe and a fucking What do you call that thing with the other ears the doctor? Drill no the scope. Yes. He's got the stethoscope up to it the ear thing in and he's got a Flamethrower and he's burning a hole in a saving cell. He's a gop. Go. Excuse me. That's illegal I'm like, what are you doing? Let the guy rob the safe. He's like a Karen. He's a Karen. I'm a Karen.

I love Karen's. If Karen is bad, I don't want to be good. Karen is Sharon. Or whatever it is. I'm all Karen all the time. Well, you do need a kick. Because sometimes people are being unruly. Sometimes people are being illegal. This whole idea of Karen bad. I mean, oh, sometimes people are being illegal.

This whole idea of Karen bad, I mean, oh, they call the cops where you're like, wow, you were beating up my son out in my front yard. Well, we've gone off the deep end with the smash and grab. That's what the kids are calling it. That's where you fuck a girl and grab her tit. But it's like, hey, well, CVS can afford it. You're like, I know, but that's not how the society works.

We're living in a society, Jerry. How about I just hung out with big Al David, and he was in San Francisco, and they rented a car, they were driving around San Fran, they wanted to go check out the waterfront. They found parking like a half mile away, and they were like, ah, there's all these smashing, everyone's crashing the windows, whatever, there's glass everywhere. So they were like, ah, there's all these smashing, everyone's crashing the windows, whatever.

There's glass everywhere. So they asked a security guy, they go, what's the best way? Tell us how serious is it? We wanna go to the water, we're gonna get on there for an hour. Is our car in danger? The guy goes, I'll tell you how you do it.

Three of you go, two stay with the car, and then you switch. Jesus, what's Mad Max? He's like, that's the best way to do it. And they said they literally watched a guy smash a window like across the street, go through the car and then walk, not run, walk away. Wow. That's San Francisco, which San Fran, I love.

And I talked about it recently. I was there. If you have a hotel and no car, you're golden. Right. You take a lift, you walk around, whatever, you're fine. But if you have a vehicle with your shit in it, forget about it. That's interesting. Yeah. Cause I've had a lot of comedians like it's not that bad. I've been there, I've played there, it's fine. You go out to eat, you do whatever. I'm like, but yeah, you don't live

there. Yeah. You were there for eight hours. Yes. If you don't have a car and you have a room, no sweat, but if you're going to try to park to park somewhere, you gotta empty the car, roll the windows down, the whole thing. I saw a thing on the news about the Toy Story or the Toy Store where Toy Story is based on, I've been drinking. Wait, Toy Story based on a Toy Store? It's based on a Toy Store.

They went into a Toy Store, they're like, wow, this place is magical. It's kinda like FVO Schwartz, but on the West Coast. Gotcha. Toy Story is based on this toy store Like the toys come to life that whole thing. They got the idea in this toy store. It's like 89 years old Everybody's been there. They bring your kids there. It's part of the community closed Just closed because they steal the stuff or because no one buys toys is Amazon they steal

closed. Because they steal the stuff or because no one buys toys as Amazon? They steal. Ah. They had the other theft. They closed the first in and out. Stopped the steal. The original in and out is closed?

Not the original, but the Oakland. The Oakland episode is closed and they do it as theft. They're stealing the animal style, Jerry. They're taking the buns. Well, we got to figure something out. We need some law and order. I guess so. That's what we need, folks. Well, speaking of which, I. We need some law and order. I guess so. That's what we need, folks. Well, speaking of which, I got a story along the line.

All right! Bum, bum. What's that? Law and order. Ah! TV show. I was thinking Carn affair. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember that one? That was alarming. Yeah, a little bit. I kind of like this studio. It's nice, but I'm getting the walks. I Tell you about the walks. No good. You didn't believe me about the walks. It's a Visually impairing for those who can't see or tell you can see it in your camera actually Oh, you can see mine too. Actually we got a little monitor. There's multiple things happening here One we have wonkeys to our producer is out there

Now I like a producer in the room yeah to interrupt us and tell us what he thinks but it's nice to have somebody that it feels like you're talking to yes otherwise we're just two psychopaths just yelling out at hundred thousand people that aren't here yeah for an orgy or a porno I'd want them out there but

it's a podcast like if we were fucking I'd be like hey the guy's outside I know he's watching but he's not I can't see him good point, but for this you want to see the guy Well, it's an odd thing. I just did a mindful metal jacket check out the podcast. I'm trying to make it work I got a huge guess coming up tease And I mean big come on bigger than you're thinking Trump Now smaller. All right, Elon. Smaller than that. I went too big. But anyways, big guess coming. Big guess. But I just did one with

Isabel Hagan, little guest. And it's awkward because we're in here and then the guy's like, all right, we're gonna hit record and you guys have fun and then the door closes. It feels like a casting coach. It does, it does. I mean, I'm going to put my hand on your knee in a minute. Please don't. All right. And there's literally a couch with cameras. But anyways, so check this story out. Where are the cameras?

Would you spill on your face? A little bit. Holy jeez, that was more than I thought. Why is it beating? What kind of sweatshirt is that? It's very, what's the word? Close knit? What's that?

A thread count. May I see it? Oh? I don't know if that's seeing that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, it's half linen half denim half fiber What is it again fiber something cotton is in there cotton Remember that you see with your eyes not your hands. That was a big thing Oh, yeah, you go. Let me see the toy. Let me see. You see with your eyes not your hands. That's right. That and you make a better door than a window. Oh. Those are huge. And then I'm up here.

Oh. If you look at tits. Right, right, the tits. Well the tits were tough because you get a lady with full on crazy cleavage, then they'd put glitter on the cleavage in the 90s. Remember that? And then if you look at it, you were like a weirdo. Yeah, you got glitter on the cleavage in the 90s. Remember that? And then if you look at it, you were like a weirdo. Yeah, you got glitter on your tits. What are you doing to me? Put glitter on your forehead. I'll stare at that.

Yeah, I think tits, let us stare at the tits. Come on, be cool. You brought them. You want to stare at my dick? Just say the word, I'll pull the thing out. You got it. I don't know. Give me a minute before I pull it out at least.

Good point. Let me fluff. All right, so I recorded the podcast,. Give me a minute before I pull it out at least. Good point. Let me fluff. All right, so I recorded the podcast, Mindful Metal Jacket, go check it out, big guess, coming up. We do the episode, I go, hey, let's hit Chipotle. We go over to Chipotle. Now, the studio here is in mid-town. I don't want to give too much away here.

It's in midtown. Yeah, it's in the 30s, 40s. We're in a block from, like us. We're a block from Port Authority Yeah, Cooke Central a couple blocks from the story we go to Chipotle. I Mean it is literally the kooky is Cooke situation. I've ever seen Cooke Central Station and we almost came back here to eat because there was just a guy walking up to everyone all wacky and He left we're like, all right, we'll sit down.

Then we had a second guy come in, and he just walks up to everyone, hey, can I have a few bucks? Can I have a few bucks? And it's hard because you're eating, and you're like, I'm sorry, I don't have anything. Then a third guy walks in, he's got like, he's missing all his front teeth, crazy, you know, shit in his hair, the whole thing. I feel bad for him. Life is not going great. Sure. And you have empathy, but at the same time, you're in a his hair the whole thing. I feel bad for him life is not going great Sure, and you have empathy, but at the same time you're in a dining room eating a meal

Yes having a nice conversation. He does the thing where he just sits next to what the long table He just sits next to Isabel Dead eye contact with me. Can you help me? And I said, I got a chipotle I give card four bucks on it and he doesn't really I can't understand him he's like yeah and I'm just painting a picture sorry so I give him the gift card I'm like this four dollars and fifty cents here that's that's something that's half a burrito I mean five dollars is a nice amount of money but you don't give a homeless person five dollars maybe a one maybe

change so I give it to him and he's like I need more give me more and then I had my phone on the more I had my phone on the table so I kind of just grabbed it because you know you never know yeah and I put in my bucket he's like can I have that kind of that yeah I was like my iPhone you don't even know the code this naked pictures of my son and wife on here that's gonna be give me at least 50 bucks for that yeah so I take the phone then he turns his attention to his about he's like can I have a wife on here. That's gonna be, give me at least 50 bucks for that. So I take the phone, then he turns his attention to his ability, he's like, can I have money? Can I have money? And finally she takes out a single,

it gives him a single. So now he's got 550, that's not nothing. That's solid, that's six seconds of work. Pretty good, so he goes to the line, he's hitting everyone up in the line, and then all of a sudden I just hear, what the hell? And I look over, he's got a full bowl,

pile of cheese, avocado, he just went to the guy at the register and just took the bowl. Whoa, someone else's bowl. Someone else's bowl and I was like, I was kind of happy for him. I'm like, that's the move. Yes, the Super Bowl. He just made 550 off of us and got a full $18 bowl

and out the door he goes. And it was kind of funny because the guy whose bowl it was he was like what the hell this he was blown away and shocked and chagrined which I understand but you're also like well they gotta make you another bowl yeah look at you know the ball and you almost think why and I guess it's easy for me to say I'm a liberal cuck piece of shit but you're almost like I get why you can't do it every day but you're like Chipotle like just make him a bowl I guess so then they just have a lot of you soup shit, but you're almost like, I don't get why you can't do it every day, but you're like Chipotle, like, eh, just make him a bowl. I guess so. But then they just have a lot, it'd be a soup kitchen.

I guess you can't do it. Yeah, I mean, it's like, that's gonna sound horrible, but it's like, don't feed the bears, because the bears just keep coming. Right. The football team. Or the gays, we're fat. But yeah, it never ends, and then,

I don't know what to do, because you wanna just hire a guy to just, every time he comes in, you just kick him in the face and he never comes back. Well, this is one of the tricky things and I don't wanna get too political, two episodes in a row, but you're like,

what are you supposed to do? Cause the guys behind the counter, they just signed up to make $16 an hour to make burritos. They don't wanna wrestle a homeless man. And so, and I'm sure that's why, tell them about the third guy. Yeah, three guys came in in the 12 minutes we were eating there. One took a full burrito.

And then when we were leaving, there was another guy in there. And a woman was like, I can help you out. And I don't know. I don't know how you handle it. I don't know what to do. But they still made the other guy another burrito. So the only loss is to Chipotle. But it was quite a sight to just see a man walk up,

take someone's food, and you feel like cocked. I know. Oh, God, that's true. It feels like they own the place a little bit, because you're scared of them, but then you don't also want to look like an asshole. So not only are you worried, hey, this guy will breathe on me and give me AIDS, but also, I don't want to get caught

yelling at the guy and be that guy. So you're stuck between a hobo and a hard dick and it's a hard way, it's a tough place to be. I mean, that's like a great John Prine song you just did. But yeah, I don't know how you handle it, other than packing up and fucking moving to another city. This is crazy and it's hard because you try to be empathetic, you try to be a good guy, a good person,

but at the same time you're like, I'm trying to go to a restaurant and eat a meal and I have three separate people getting in my face, taking my shit, stealing food. Totally. And you're uncomfortable because you're like, I don't know how this person's gonna react and obviously they're unwell. I know, but imagine being some tourist from Kansas who's in town to see Back to the Future on Ice or whatever the hell's it, Broadway.

And then you go to Chipotle to try to have a quick burrito with your cute daughter and she's six and she's got a little lollipop and all that. And then a guy with no teeth is like, eh, I need more, I need more. Give me that lollipop. And she's like, what? And then he takes a burrito.

That's a wild thing to see. It's terrifying. And then it just puts an uncomfortable feel. We walk out, we're saying goodbye, and you're kind of like, huh. Yeah. And yeah, I don't know. And then, yeah, it's a.

And I feel like a lot of people who hate it, they live in a gated community. So they're like, how could you treat them like that? Then they go back to their big old house with a big fucking arm in front of it that you gotta talk to a buzzer to get in. Exactly. And yeah, all the people that are like, oh, someone will write to me and write, you're a fucking dick face or whatever. But you're like, I mean, I'm giving a guy money. I don't know what you want me to do. I gave him a gift card, but that's the same. Yeah. And these are the

same people who wear a mask and be like, well, I don't want anybody's germs. This guy's got shit all over his face and fingers. And you're like, well, isn't that unsanitary? That's a great point. Oh, I have a point. Nice. He should wear a mask with those teeth, by the way. It'd be nice. Tell him to wear a mask. He'll let him about the mask thing.

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Damn right. Well anyways, that happened and I had another crazy thing happen if you want that. Unless you want to tell me some stuff. I could talk about this thing for another six minutes but let's go to the next thing. Well we gotta, cause I want to lead up to, you got some crazy shit. So let me just knock these tits off the the bra, but again the beacon is this is like everything went great

It was awesome. So it's not not really a banger. I know but still I want to hear all about I want to hear about the morning The afternoon the night the next day sure it's wild and then you had the other thing Yes, how much you can talk about that? Well, I've been drinking, so we'll go nuts. OK, great. Because I got a few things to say about that. God damn it. But it's the worst day of my life. By the way, a guy messaged me today.

By the time you're hearing this, it's six days have passed. And the guy's like, did you hear about this? Yeah! And I was like, are you kidding? He's like, I'm not kidding, man. Look at this. I'm not kidding. It's hilarious.

And I guess he has a job and stuff and he's not looking, but I was like, yeah, yeah, I sent him a link to TMZ, NBC News, Reddit, YouTube, Twitter. That's satisfying. I'm like, leave me alone. Yeah. But what can you do? He's living a life.

So on my way here, it's where you get two stories on a day of recording. That's true. So I'm on my way here. I get on the train, which I only take during the day because of the kooks and the crazies. And you put your AirPods in, which are noise-canceling now. Yeah, I like that.

So you have noise-canceling plus the podcast on top of the noise cancel. Yes, very limited audio coming in. Exactly. So I'm listening to a podcast. And at every stop, I kind of tune in to look around, see who's got on the train, be aware. Head on a swivel.

Swivel, so I look and it all looks hunky dory, and I put my foot on my head down to read something, and I just hear, oh my God, oh! Screaming, oh my God. I look and everybody's scrambling and jumping up. So, I'm missing a sense, because I got my ears all wacky. So I see everyone jumping up, so I just jump up, because I'm like, it's a shooting, it's a bombing,

my father's gay, I jump up and the handrail's right above me. I go boom, I just hammer my head. So now I got chaos plus birds and stars upstairs. So I'm walked out and I'm like, whoa, but at the same time I beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, this is the exit. And someone has fallen, like their leg in between, there's like a little crack there, in between the train and track. So they're like, and the woman's like, ah!

And everyone's like, oh my God, and I see people pulling. So I'm wonky and I go, oh shit, and I go, let me go help. Cause I see like two women helping her. So I run out of the train to go check out the situation and they immediately like pull her up. She's like, and her shoes all fucked up in her bag. And she's like, oh, oh, oh. And then you just hear like,

stay clear of the closing doors and the doors start closing. I'm off the train. Cause I went to help. So I got to like stick my arm in and it closes on me. I'm like, ah, and then it finally opens. And I jumped in the train, because I went to help. So I gotta like stick my arm in, and it closes on me. I'm like, ah! And then it finally opens, and I jumped in the train, doors closed, and we just take off.

But it felt like such a metaphor for life for New York City where you're like, is it a shooting? Am I gonna die? I bang my head, hope someone fell down the tracks. They're gonna die, hope they're safe. Oh, I'm missing the train! Yeah, it's all quick.

And within literally four seconds, we are back in the train. Yeah, it's all quick. And within literally four seconds, we are back in the train leaving. And then just quiet back to podcast. Yes, and everybody on the train just witnessed everyone was screaming and it was crazy. And I turned to this woman, I'm like, I thought she fell on the track. And this woman literally just goes,

like puts her head, like doesn't even want to talk to me. She was like a cute girl. So I feel like she thought I was gonna be like, hey, I was gonna go sit. Like she was like like I'm not interested and it's so weird. You're just we're all just back Riding the train and you just go well That's over damn That's crazy. That is a good summation of New York City in about 10 seconds And no good deed goes unpunished. You try to go help the lady now. You're off the train

You might lose the train. I almost missed the train. Now you're off the train, you might lose the train. I almost missed the train. Which would have been a better story if I missed the train, but you're like, ah. Eh, you got the arm in. Again, I've always said that's the difference between men and women. I watch women run down the stairs,

the train doors are closing, and they have a window to put the arm in, but they won't do it. Right. Because they don't want to inconvenience the train, which is very nice, I guess. And men will go, boop, but the men will put their dick in there just to get something. Absolutely. But don't you think the women just don't want to inconvenience the train, which is very nice, I guess. And men will go, boop, but the men will put their dick in there just to get something.

But don't you think the women just don't want to get their arm chopped off? I don't think they're, it's out of thoughtfulness. Oh, is that what it is? I think so. Because I've put my arm in there a million times, never been chopped. Wow, I'm not saying your arms are gonna be chopped.

I think that's what they're thinking. Oh, I never thought about that. I don't think they're like, I don't want to bother anyone. I think they're like, oh my God, I'll die. I thought, because there's all these studies that say women aren't risk takers. So they're like, I'm not gonna put my arm in there, but're like, oh my God, I'll die. I thought, because there's all these studies that say women aren't risk takers.

So they're like, I'm not going to put my arm in there, but maybe you're right. Maybe it's a risk to get it chopped. You say women are or aren't risk takers? Are not. Yeah, exactly. They don't want to risk their arm chop. Interesting.

But they wouldn't design a door that would cut an arm off. I know, but they're not thinking like that. I guess so. I mean, that's more likely they're afraid, or they're afraid to get stuck, and then they have to run along the train and get hit. Oh, that would be funny. Yeah, classic comedy.

Call in ladies, because I would love to know why. Every, I'm talking 100%, I've never seen a woman put the arm in. I've seen women put the stroller in though. Yikes! I know. Well, that's a whole other bag of jizz. Absolutely. I love a bag of jizz. Sure, I keep a jar.

I gotta get to bag. I guess it's more malleable. Just jar, boy, these monitors are tough. Look at that dick and pants, that is crazy. That's not fun for the eyes, but yeah. Geez, you got a wingspan, look at that thing. That's a full, full spread. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, that's headline news in the New York Times, full spread.

Woo! Anyway, all right, give me some stuff, because I haven't seen you since the 80s, Yeah, that's headline news and the New York Times full spread Anyway, all right give me some stuff cuz I haven't seen you since the 80s. You're at the beacon you're on TMZ I mean, I don't even know who you are anymore. Well, we'll start with the beak So start with the beak of the chicken but First off we sell we put on the beacon. I'm gonna start from the beginning. Please. We put the beacon on sale. I always got my agents.

What do you think about doing a show in New York City? And I go, I don't know, I blow my wad every night. I do four shows. I don't know if it's gonna happen. They're like, what do you think about Carnegie Hall? I'm like, that's crazy. I could never do it. What about Radio City?

Ah, who am I? Matt Reif, get the hell out of here. What about the beacon? It's not about the beacon, Jerry. The beacon's the coolest. It's the coolest. It buzzed right when he said that I was like, ooh, that one feels good, you know?

Cause it'd be nice to do the garden theater, the wamoo, whatever it's called, or town hall, or Gramercy, or these are all cool and great venues, but something like that beacon, it's got a jizz on it, it's got a Genocide Qua. It does, Genocide Qua. Yeah, there we go. But that's the thing, it's in a neighborhood, it's on the Upper West Side,

it's across from the Insonia, we've walked underneath it, the podcast started there, it's got the big marquee mark and the funky bunch. And it's a video marquee and it's a beautiful little bill. And for me, like I said, I've seen the Almond Brothers there and Jenny Lewis and Jerry Seinfeld and Eddie Vedder and Jackson Brown and all these great artists and all this great stuff and a bunch of other shows there. Almond Brothers several times, I think I mentioned that, Tedeschi Trucks Band. I mean, I've just been there a lot and that's, it's one of the great theaters and it's so neighborhoody.

You can take the two train there and you walk right up, plus Burr does it, Seinfeld, fucking lives there, all those guys and it's so ornate and so beautiful and wide and big. Radio City, as we've discussed, sucks. It's a cool accomplishment. I'm not taking anything from it, but the room itself is not great. Agreed. Too far, too big, too weird. And Carnegie's office, unbelievable. Although I've heard the sounds not great.

I think I'm repeating myself here. Not great. But I don't know. The beacon is just so big and gorgeous I agree and it's a theater radio city to me is almost like a TV room yes film things in there and the Rockettes are on or whatever it's like an event space yes where the beacon is like this is where we do rock music comedy rap whatever the fuck so fuck it all right we'll the beacon. This is months and months ago, maybe even a year ago. And then it kinda, it's 22,750 tickets.

Okay. Roughly. And you're like, it's a lot of tickets, okay. Then you know, hey, a month went by, we sold 1,000. Oh, a month goes by, hey, so 1,500. But it never really got like, oh, I'm very confident about this. And my agent, they do all these numbers, they crunch Jerry.

So he goes, I bet we could sell another one, but you're gonna have to push, you're gonna have to devote your life to selling it out. And you're like, I'm okay with one. It's hard, it's tricky, because this is the thing about it, it's a weird business, because you think tickets, a number of tickets,

but it's also like, it's human beings. Yes. You gotta convince human beings. Yes. You gotta convince human beings. To trick them. Does not just want to see you, but to also be available. Yes. It's like to sell 5,000 tickets, you gotta have 12,000 people that wanna go. Good point.

Because half the people go, I can't afford that. Half the people go, I can't get a sitter, I gotta go to the movies that night. I got a wedding, I got a work thing, Half the people go, I can't get a sitter. I'm going to the movies that night. I got a wedding. I got a work thing. I got a osteoporosis, whatever it is. So you go, I don't know about that, whatever. So I can't say no to anything.

So I go, all right, let's do it. And it's really not moving. Like, the first show hasn't even sold out. And now we got like 200 sold for the second one. So clock's ticking. Then you get the Danny Punch-Up involved. Danny Freckle. Yeah, Punch-Up. Live.

Live. Dotcom. Dotcom and he's all over it. He's like, you gotta post a carousel. Now on Tuesday, post a video. Now on Thursday, post a still photo and it's just, he's got the whole thing down. He's a guru and you're like, all right.

So we're doing. A guru. Yeah like, all right, so we're doing We're doing that we're doing this it's a lot of work, but your whole life was just selling out that second show How are we gonna do it? So conference call conference call. What are we gonna do and it's now we're about half sold on the second one Okay, but a lot of people it's a lot of people and it's nothing to sneeze at, but if you don't get it up to 2,000, 2,200, it's, you're gonna feel it in there. You're gonna feel it, but I do feel like once you get to 1,500 on the second show,

you gotta show, it's not embarrassing, but it's not great. Yes, yes, yes. So, cut to, it's three days before. Alright, we got 700 tickets to sell. Okay, now you got 600. Hey, this guy tweeted about it. Alright, now you got 550, but it's still getting there.

And that TMZ shit happened, sold it out. Wow! So it was just this wacky timing. It all came together. It was like a movie where like, how are we gonna pull it out? It was like Rudy. Like, oh, well, he didn't pull it out. It was like a like Rudy like oh well Though he didn't pull it off Rudy pulls it off. Did he win Rudy? Yeah, well he gets a sack he gets to play they win. I win, okay

Yeah, the team wins, but it's over on him and he gets it's from what I've heard it's all about him people hate him Okay, well it's a big sack. He got the sack, you sack up, you play your chips, they won the game, it's the same thing, it was like how are we gonna pull this off right at the end something happens. You know when you're watching the action movie and you're like oh god, he was doing great, but now the big boss is beating him up

and then before you know it, the big boss about to cut his head off and then pfft, he gets shot in the head. Right. That's what it felt like. The save, which was invented, they say in high noon. Is that right? Yeah, with Gary Cooper.

And people were really upset about it. John, bless you. Thank you. I thought you just got shot. John Wayne was very upset because Gary Cooper, no one will help him and he's scared and his wife saves him. So John Wayne was like, what the fuck did this movie suck?

God, God, you all right? Yeah. Wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. And supposedly that's the creation of the save. The other character comes in. You don't know who saved them and boo boo boo started with high noon. Well, there you go. All right. I'm high. But you got the save. We got the save happened last minute. No one saw it coming. And you got a high five your agent, because you go, I don't know how you did it, but you did it. I mean, he didn't do it, TMZ did it, but still it got done. And Danny Frankel.

And Danny Frankel, and it was his idea, and blah, blah, blah. So, Friday night's the first show, Stavros gave me great advice. I go, hey, you just did the beacon, and he tips, and he goes, yes. You go to Salt Lake City, you get the Uber to the airport, you fly, you check into the hotel, you go to the green room of the show, you think about the show the whole day. The whole Uber flight hotel is for this show. The beacon, you take the subway.

Right. He's sleeping in your own bed, so you're just, he said he did three at the beacon. He said he showed up and he was like, oh shit, I'm at the beacon. Because you think of it as a New York spot. Right. And he's like, it took me two,

like the first show was almost like a, oh shit, what was that, what's going on, what's my act? And this, you know, I'm not saying he fucked up, I'm just saying he was out of it a little bit on the first show. Then the second show he's like, I knew what this was, I prepped all day, I thought about it all day, whatever. Interesting.

Great advice. Good advice, so he's actually got a hotel. No. But I thought about it and I stewed on it and people said, hey, you wanna make out? And I said, no, no, I got the beacon tonight. I'm thinking about it. Ah!

You know, and so I had that going, so that helped, wrote a bunch of shit, and then I also wrote a piece about the TMZ shit, because they're gonna wanna hear it. A piece of material? Yes. A piece sounds like it's an article for The Atlantic. Oh yeah, good point. I wrote a piece, I wrote it in words.

Wrote a chunk, or a bit. I see. So I wrote a bit about that, so I wrote a piece, I wrote it in words. I wrote a chunk, or a bit. I see. So I wrote a bit about that, so I had that going, so I listened to a set, listened to an hour, and it went great, I got Soder opening, I got Maddie Wiener opening, and Donnelly hosting, and then Santino was in town, the great Santini, and I said, hey, you wanna do a set?

He went, whoa, do I I and he showed up how much times everyone do it I gave too much time away but super cool just to be in the bowels of that place we had open bar we had snacks I got salicuse on the ones and twos I got Jason Katz roll in the footage and yeah your ladies there your agents there it's just it's just fun. That is a special night. Now I wanna know more about this, so you didn't, did you take the subway?

Did you get a ride? What'd you do? I took the subway, they made me get there early because we sold posters and they're like, get there early so you can sign all the posters. Gotcha. And then Katz is like, let me know when you're coming, I wanna film it, he's like a dad.

He's out there with the fucking camcorder on his shoulder and you show up and he's like, hold on. He's walking backwards and he hits a kook and we get the whole thing. And it's fun to walk through the beacon empty and be like, oh, this is gonna fill up. Right. You know, there's all these grips

and stage hands walking around. The union. Yes, union, Jerry. And there's all these dumb union rules where I was like can I get a cocktail they're like we're not actually allowed to pour you one back here but we can go buy you one put in a sippy cup you can bring it like all right what are we doing? It's really wacky. That blew my mind starting to be at some of these shows and these places with the union and they throw you out they literally throw the artist out it's wacky. They

hate you yeah you sell the whole place out and they go, what's next? Move it along. Yeah, it's wacky. So what time are you getting there? So I got there at 6.30 for an eight o'clock show. Wow. Not too crazy, but crazy. And I always say the more time, it's like when we did Conan,

the more time you're there, the more the anxiety starts to fester. So you want it to go great, whatever. So the New York Times is there, Don Lemon showed up? What? Yeah, he's apparently a fan. Oh my God. Who saw that coming, this black gay CNN reporter? Oh my God, I think we've shit on him before.

Oh boy. Maybe not shit, but you know how, the way we are. Yeah, I hope Lemon's not too sour. But yeah, so coworkers from high school are hitting you up. Hey, I'm in town, this guy, Krista Teacher, all these guys we forgot about for 30 years. Love Krista Teacher. Good, good egg.

And yeah, so do it. Maddie goes up, or Donnelly goes up, does great. Maddie kills it, then Soder killed it. And it's good vibes everywhere. Jeffrey Gurian shows up, he's trying to do interviews and you're like, get out of here, you quiff. I love Gurian. He's a comedy New York staple, you have to have him.

He really is, and he's a beautiful man, beautiful hair, great smile, great dentist. He brought a hot little black chick with him. She must've been 11 years old, and we had a great time. So yeah, show is great, you go out there, you get to do all the bits you worked on in the shit clubs, and you get to hear a roar in that town. Yeah, you see them blossom, you see them bloom. Now, what's the last time you worked New York?

What was the last real New York gig you did? I've only opened. I've never really done like a, like we'll do the Gramercy or something, but never really did the town, never did the headlining. Yeah, that's what's weird, because Gotham and Carolines are gone. Yeah, I used to headline Gotham,

but that was six years ago, five years ago. Yeah, that's really weird. If you're a working headliner, there now is no room to do in New York, right? Well, Gotham's there. No, Gotham does showcases now. They don't do that anymore. They don't do weekends?

They do weekend showcase shows. They stopped doing headliners a long time ago. Oh, I saw Sebastian there. I saw Jocoy there. I saw all these big, like Schumer would do it. They stopped doing that. The Roldo I saw. That's where, I hope for Jake Johansson there.

That's where Schumer gave me all that money when we opened for Bobby. Which was amazing, I'm still forever grateful. Yeah, yeah. But no, they stopped doing that a while ago because I think Gotham realized we can sell out, we sell at any show. So why give a headliner $15,000 or whatever

when we can just have Tom Dick and Harry? Whoa, that's kind of a bummer. Cause I mean, they, they really, that felt like the stepping stone to like, oh, this guy's going to be big. Right. Well, it's nice for us. Cause now we can do spots there. If you're home on a weekend and I believe they pay better

than any club, I was just told a friend of ours, a little Dominican fella from Queens told me that he's like, yeah, yeah, I just, they, he's like, I don't know why no one works. He's like, you got to work there just, he's like, I don't know why no one works. He's like, you got to work there. Weekends, they give like twice the amount of money and it's packed. He's like, it's sold out every show.

Always packed on the weekends and good crowds, smart, kind of up, they're like more upper crust. Yes, I think they're more local too. Yes, yes. But Caroline's is gone, so there's no place to headline unless you're doing a big room, which I'll just tease. I'm doing a headlining and later on, I can't really talk about it yet, which I'm worried about selling myself. It's the same thing. You're like, you got to get a lot of people.

I know. You'll sell it. Bless you. You'll sell it. I mean, you got to get a lot of runway and you don't work New York either. Headline. No, the only time I head I headline New York is to shoot a special, which is on a Sunday night, typically at the VU. I'll pack it up. So we'll do a Saturday night at an un-to-close, disclosed location and time. Well, I know the room and it's a beauty.

It's a dandy, it's a dabble, do you? Yeah, yeah, so this is, I mean, I don't wanna give too much away, but I opened for Louis there years ago and I remember being like My god, this was that was an honor to not only over him But like in that room come on and it's a venue. That's ticked is a Seinfeld episode. So that's fun Yeah, I will talk

Give it away give it away give it away now, but it's exciting. But all right, so Donnelly goes up, he kills. He does great, he's a pro, he hosts, yeah, and he was happy to do it. I was nervous to ask him, because he's like, he's the quintessential New York host, but he's like, I just wanna do spots. I'm good at hosting, but I'd like to be known as a comedian, he's a great comic.

Of course. So he goes up, does, he's a pro, kills it, Maddie Wiener, and it's cool to see that these are headliners, they're doing 10. Right. So it's just, bam, top of the line, grade A, hard stuff. Nothing stepped on, no baby powder, pure Bolivian shale, and killing, and then Soder goes up,

he's a fuckin' monster, he destroys. Forget about it, one of the best ever. And then Santino was a draw, he was a sequel. We got a little poppin' and he went out, he's famous. Of course. I mean the place went huge. So he did 10 and he's got like a cool jacket on, he's a fun guy.

He's a boy. Very handsome, good lookin' ginger. By the way, him and Soter backstage, I was just watching him and I was like, if I was a girl I'd blow both of them. Really? Well, they're both tall, and they're just so quick. I'm tall. All right.

Well, they're both handsome, and they're quick, and they're like, it's almost like two battle rappers going at it with the zings and the jokes and the scenarios and the voices. And you just watch them, and you swoon. I suppose so. The voices are a little much for me, but what are you gonna do?

Let people like it. The Santino do the voices too? He does voice, he does characters, he's up and at them, he's doing scenarios and making them do a whole, either do an hour town right there. Should I do voices? No, don't do it. Ugh!

Nailed it. What a wookie, yeah. My wookie. I did it all for the wookie. Come on. My Wookie. I did it all for the Wookie. Come on. The Wookie. So then you get to go out there. Hot crowd, fun time. Here we are. I opened the whole

Seinfeld thing. I opened for him. Did he come? Did you text him? He's on the road. He's working. I thought for sure he was going to open. So what are you doing? He's like, I'm a comedian. I'm working. That makes sense. I also, Saturday night was really embarrassing. I texted Che, like, hey, you want to do a set?

And he was like, I don't know if you're aware. I do a show on Saturday night. I work Saturdays, yeah. I'm an idiot. Well, they do take fucking 48 weeks a year off. That's true. Let's be honest. Everybody talks about how hard it is to work at SNL.

They're like, we're off for three weeks. We're off for six months. we don't work during the election, we don't work in November or February. I heard Shane got hired, I haven't seen him on there yet. But, so yeah, great time, you wrap it up, you have a couple of pops, you live it up, great. You go back and you just take the subway back home. The whole thing's very surreal.

It's like doing Letterman. You just do it and then they kick you out and you're next to a bag of garbage by a bodega. It's awkward. I mean, I remember I told this story many times, but open for impractical jokers at Radio City. And I left, I'm just on the D train and it's just me. In a suit.

It's just me sitting there and I'm like, I just performed for 6,000 people. Nobody has any idea. No one has any idea. It's a chappellate,'m like I just performed for 6,000 people nobody has any idea. No one has any it's very it's a Chappelle say it's Superman Clark Kent moment. What was that Natterman story? Remember him he did Letterman James Smith told me this story Natterman did Letterman He's sitting on a curb out on West 3rd Street by the Boston and James Smith goes. Oh my god

You're Dan out. He just moved there from Australia. You just did letter bid. He goes, $1,100 and look where I am. And to me that sums it all up. Oh, that's fun. You know, you go from biggest show on CBS. That's it, not a curb. Well, I had the one when I opened for Louis at MSG

and I hadn't done a set for like four days, whatever reason, my family or something. So I wanted to just get the dust off. So I was like, let me go do a spot. And this guy had a spot. Oh, what was the place? Right down the street from MSG. It had like horses on the sign.

They used to do improv downstairs. Mustang. Blazing chattel, Mustang Sally's. Mustang Sally's. And I was like, I forget who show it was, but I was like, can I just do tie? I just want to get up. And I was like down there bombing for 11 people. And I was like, I forget who show it was, but I was like, can I just do tie? I just want to get up. And I was like down there bombing for 11 people. And I was like, at this time tomorrow,

I'll be two blocks up at Madison Square Garden. It's the wackiest bit. I mean, we all know the LOL Bill Burr story. Hit me with it. Bill Burr was doing the garden much like yourself. And he goes, I want to get the rust off. So he goes, what's a club? Oh, I'm staying in Mid off. So he goes, what's a club? Oh, I'm staying in midtown.

Somebody texted me, there's a club called LOL, which is notoriously like one of the worst rooms in the city. Absolutely. Takes the elevator up and he goes, hey, Charlie, I'd love to get some time and they go, you have to get in line, buddy. You know, you can't just skip the line. We don't know who you are.

And he's like, well, I am a established comedian. I'd like just, can I just get like 10 minutes? I only got a show here. It's Friday night. And he was like, oh, you don't know how. Welcome to New York, pal. This is not how it works here. You got to do open mics.

You got to make clips. You got to get followers. And he was like, all right, I'm out of here. Wow. And all the cops are like, wait, no. Ah, you know. That doesn't sound like a Charlie. Ah, yeah, good point. Charlie no. That does sound like a Charlie. Oh yeah, good point.

Charlie. These immigrants, they changed their names. But any farce. So it's all wonky and wacky, so you take the subway back. Yeah, yeah, and I made the cardinal mistake, which I don't know what that means. Cardinal rule. I think it's big, like a big rule.

Red. Bird. There's cardinal beak in there. Yeah. Well, there's cardinal directions That's like northeast southwest. I know that I think they're called Cardinal then there's a Cardinal who's like a religious guy He's a Cardinal. Yeah, and there's a st. Louis Cardinals, right? So Cardinal must mean something. Yeah, it's one of the guys just taken I don't know what it means I was like I have the Cardinal rule the Cardinal sin mean something. Yeah, it's one of the things I've just taken. I don't know what it means. I was like, ah, the Cardinal rule, the Cardinal sin. Maybe it's like admiral, Cardinal admiral. Maybe. Because admiral's big. Call in. So, uh, Cardinal mistake of drinking too much. So now I wake up, I'm hung over and I'm like, oh, I got another show tonight. I got, I should have prepped. I should have had my head in the game.

What am I doing? So you spend the whole day killing the hangover? Pedialyte doing some push-ups trying to sweat it out whatever Saturday I gotta say by about five o'clock. I'm feeling better get to the club Do the job to get to the theater bring the wife Jason Katz out there like a dad. Hey, all right. Let me take that again. Can you walk up again, come out of the subway? Okay, here we go. Slow it down, slow it down, I'm walking backwards, that whole thing. You do that, we get there, we sign some more posters,

got the lady there, she's dressed to the nine, Salah Q shows up, and now you're your feet are wet. Of course, now you know what you're doing. You know what you're doing, you know the ropes, you know the alleys, the whole thing, and this was the crowd that bought tickets quick. Right. This is the first show. First show. This ain't no TMZ shit.

This is fans who want to come or audience or comedy lovers, whatever you want to call it. Now that's something I learned from touring with Louis. The first show to sell is the best show. 100%. So, uh, now mind you, I've asked 900 people to be on this show, but it's a weekend, everybody's working. I asked you, Sam, Vita, Roy Wood, Ronnie Chang. Ronnie Chang is at Radio City that night.

Is that right? Yeah, so we both sold out. That's how many people are living this fucking city who love comedy. Wow. And Asians. Yeah, so yeah. That's how many people are living in this fucking city who love comedy. Wow. And Asians. Holy... Yeah, so, uh, so yeah. So I go, hey, you know who's my oldest pal in comedy?

First guy I ever met in comedy was Gary Veter. Second guy, Matt Ruby. Matt Ruby's the first guy I met in New York. Really? Yeah. A lot of soda. Me, soda and Ruby was like a gang. Isn't that funny?

Wow, that's crazy. That is wild. So I text Ruby, he's like, what? He gets his best Indiana Jones hat and a Bolo tie. Freepy suit. Yeah, so he shows up and I go, hey, what about the hand man?

Hand man. The hand man's killing it all over Instagram. Oh, I said hand, hand. Hand. Han. Yes, solo. So he's like, yeah, I'll do it. I texted Matteo, he's like, I would,

but he showed me his schedule. It's like 805, 810, 815, 819. He's at the cellar every room. Now he's done that beacon. Oh, has he? I believe so. Yeah. I think he must have.

I think he did it fucking 11 times. To Chicago Theater. He's huge. Massive. Killer, funny guy, talented guy, handsome and ripped. Yeah, what can he do? He sings. Magina.

He paints. But I bet he could fuck. Probably, he's got the core strength. Yeah, if you could fuck a man, you could fuck a woman. I guess that's true. Yeah, it's not. Well, maybe he can't get it up. Ah, you could take a pill. That's true. Blue, it's not it. Well, maybe can't get it up. Ah You take a pill that's true blue chew Lord knows I do so he's

He couldn't do it, but yeah, I called everybody so these are the last guys who were available and I'm just kidding and then you know I thought who's the host at the cellar you see where you go. Thank God He's hosting. Hmm. It's not a rambly Goes too long doesn't do jokes all-crow work. Who's the guy you go? Thank God he's hosting. It's not a rambly, goes too long, doesn't do jokes, all crowd work. Who's the guy you go, he's hosting? I'm gonna do alright. Mike Yard. He was busy. Let me think of another one. James Madden. Also booked. But think a little out of the pocket.

Out of the pocket. John Laster. Also working. but think a little out of the pocket. Out of the pocket, John Laster. Also working. I haven't been to the cellar in a long time. I mean, he's old school. John Fish. You got it. Wow, go Fish.

I mean, John Fish. Talk about old friends. I've known John Fish for 24 years. He was the guy in Boston and got me my first work at the comedy, whatever it was called, comedy blossom or China blossom. There you go. Wow. Fisher Rube. Great guy and pride of Boston killer act and no one's talking about him. He's one of the best ever. I mean, I mean that guy blew when I was a young boy and it's funny to look back. He was like three

years in, but I was like, holy shit, because when I started, he had just done new faces, and he fuckin', he was the talk of the town up there. Same, I always loved his stuff. His album is really great. I wish I could remember the name of it. There's something about sushi. I can't remember.

I can't remember either. Google John Fish with a C in there. He's the reason I moved to Astoria. I was like, that's where John Fish lives, that's where I'll go. There you go. So he hosted, brought up, he killed, brought up Root. And he does a lot of New York stuff,

which is great for the beacon, because you got all the Long Island, the Jersey, the Manhattanites, the Brooklynites, the Queensinites, the Westchesterinites, the Bronxinites. They go, oh yeah, we know this. Right. This is hometown shit. Days and nights.

And then Samsonite. And then Ruby went up, killed. Picked the right material, really just nailed it, had a big ending, the whole thing. And then Phil Hanley went up, and you know Hanley's a fucking gay gunslinger. Just zinger, zinger, zinger. One of the best.

Gunslinger. And I've been talking about guys like Hanley and Big J who are the best crowd work coverage. Oh, incredible. And now everything's crowd work. It's got to be like great Here we go my bread and butter. I mean Hanley's been doing this for a long time and he's the king He's the king and I checked his Instagram. What his last video has got like 15 million views and you're like, well, there you go He's cooking now. He's huge. I remember one point him asking me advice I mean when you're asking me Instagram advice things are not going great and now he's like tripled me up I forget about

it shooting star and a handsome son of a B yes you know dresser huh good dresser used to used to be he used to be I think we shit on him too much now he wears like Grateful Dead tank tops yeah he was wearing a pants it looked like a train conductor they're big and pinched right, but Killed it. The wife is spawning. Yada yada, and then I I went up and it was one of those You know when the first line hits you're like, oh, it's gonna be a good hour Mm-hmm the first show was like this is good. We're doing it. This was like oh fuck magic Right and then when they're better you're better and it was just a hot one

And then they told me the guy from the New York Times is in the crowd So that thank God for that on that show not the first show did a Q&A at the end Really really had a good time then we went to the after-party JP buck was there wow of course I do yeah He's a good egg and Just fun met the lady who books the beacon who was like, thank you. And you're like, this is so weird. That's crazy. I should be eating you out.

But she was nice, I hope you didn't hear that. And then yeah, then took home the wife, had a nice plow. And they called me Mr. Plow and that's that. I picture them giving you a big chat, like a six foot check, three feet, and with a big signature on it, and you're tucking underneath and you're at home. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that is some kind of weekend. Crazy weekend, and you just, it went well, it went great, it went as good as it could have gone unless you guys were all there, that would have been nice. But we're all working, but I'm glad it's over. Absolutely, of course. As fun as it was and as magical as it was, I'm just glad it's done and I can put that behind me

and it's all downhill from here. It's weird because then you have to like, you're like, okay, now I can just go back to the stand and the seller and do spots and feel normal, but then like it comes all back around again. Then you're like, now I gotta be beaten with all different stuff. How many can do that?

And then next time you'll do four. But isn't that kind of the point of life? Is just kind of taking a breather, then all right, let's do the thing again. Like you have a special ramping up, you know, that feeling and you're like, all right, then we gotta record it, sell the tickets, then we gotta edit it, and then we gotta put it out,

and then you gotta promote it. Right. And it's just so many steps, but then it's like, all right, we're done. The water is calm now. And then a year later. It's all ups and downs, it goes and comes back around, and what an exciting job we have.

I know. That it's so fun and as stressful as it is and frustrating as it can be, it's like, okay, now I gotta create more stuff by doing my favorite thing. Exactly. And it is and frustrating as it can be, it's like, okay, now I gotta create more stuff by doing my favorite thing. Exactly. And it is really something, we talked on the phone a little bit on Sunday.

Yes. But it's hard to even like connect to it. It feels so funky. I know, I know. And I was saying to you, it's like, the metaphor I came up with is like, you don't notice yourself aging. Yes.

Because you're looking the mirror every day. It's hard to, because the thing has been so slow, we've been with each other every day, all of us. It's so wild to be like, you did two at the Beacon Theater? Yeah, it's bananas. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make, you know what did it for me was, hanging out with Sam Morill,

and he was showing me his Raya account back when he was single. I don't know what that is. That's like the top notch. You gotta be recommended. You gotta be hot. You gotta be rich dating app. You gotta be somebody.

It's almost like a verified. I remember Soder was on that. Soder's a hot guy. But he was showing me the women. I'm like, I may have bleeped that. But he was showing me the women. I'm like, what?

These are the women? He's also a 6'3 hunk of Jew face. But I'm just saying, I was like, oh, we're in a different world now. This is crazy. Yeah, it's a strange thing. And like I was saying to you, it's like, you're selling more tickets than almost all of our favorite comedians ever did.

That's wacky. That's crazy to think about. Like Geraldo was not doing rest in peace, all due respect, was not doing two beacons. It should have been. It's crazy, of course. I mean, now it's such a different animal. Back then, I'm like, I don't know how you could sell big.

I know. It's a weird thing. You had to get on The Daily Show, The Tonight Show, Comedy Central Presents. You had to get on a roast of some, it was a different world. It's crazy to think about, but I mean, I'm beyond proud of you, but it's confusing. You're like, I saw that, you saw that photo,

and I'm like, this is bananas. It's like that's sallocue scrapped. It doesn't compute. It's really something, especially I said to you too, I'm like, I gotta like sit in a room and like meditate on this because it's all wacky and then you just adapt to things. You're like, oh yeah, you had dinner with Seinfeld

and then your brain just kinda like, okay, you have dinner with Seinfeld and. So true. I had that with you and Louie. Like you're out with Louie, the biggest comic on the planet, the best comic working, you're out with him. You know him, you're like, oh, Louie. You're out with Louie, the biggest comic on the planet, the best comic working. You're out with him?

You know him? You're like, ah, Louie's calling. That's annoying. You know, like, that's crazy. Well, not annoying, but you know, we're busy. We're doing something. You're busy. Yeah, I just, I'm like, I texted today.

I'm like, ah, a couple people are coming over Sunday. If you want to come by, it's wonky. And then the money and all the stuff it's just it's just really crazy and it shows if you just keep doing something every day and you're passionate about it and it's great it's like the great Conan quote JP Buck where he said on his last tonight's show nobody gets exactly what they want in their in life but if you work really hard and your kind, amazing things will happen, it's kinda like that, it's crazy.

And now we're into this territory that, and I know people say beyond my wildest dreams, I'm like, I literally didn't dream about this stuff. I know. We hate ourselves and all that. But... We dreamt just doing clubs and not having a day job. It's great.

I mean, I remember like featuring for DePaolo and being like, man, if I could do the funny bone. Yeah. The Omaha funny bone. Wouldn't that be something? And I'm still grateful to do that room. And I don't really sell that market, frankly, but it's just unbelievable.

And yeah, you just one day at a time, head down, keep doing it. And all of a sudden you look. And it's like they say like the only thing worth comparing yourself to, the only person worth comparing yourself to is your younger self. Yes.

And you're like, you look at, you just did two sold out shows at the Beacon. And then you just think about, I think about meeting you at Barcelona bar. I know, I know. And like going up, you're like open for me at Motley's. Yes, yes. It's just unbelievable.

It's all a whack-a-doo. Well, we got about eight seconds. So I'll tell the story real quick. Oh, yeah, please. I'll condense. Basically, a friend of mine, she's working for some company. And she goes, this company likes comedy. They want to go viral.

for some company and she goes, this company likes comedy, they wanna go viral. Will you do a show? Something crazy will happen, you riff on it. They'll use it to go viral. I was like, ah, that's not really my thing. And she was like, come on, please, it would really help me, I'm trying to get in with this company, they don't know any comedians.

I know you, this is like a good bridge. Okay. And I was like, well, what's the show? She was like, just do a couple., I know you, this is like a good bridge. Okay. And I was like, well, what's the show? She was like, just do it, and I was like, if you let me headline and sell out a show, I'll do it, because then I get to, I'll go on before the beacon, I get a set in. Yeah. So she's like, all right, great. So I'll figure all that out.

So they sold out New York comedy clubs, so I get to do 45, so I called Donnelly again, I go, you want to host, he's hosting. So I was Donnelly again, I go, you wanna host, he's hosting. So I was like, oh great, I get an hour set in, in the city. Make a little dough. Make a little dough, make a little love, get down tonight. But she was like, something crazy's gonna happen. I was like, all right, so I'll probably get heckled, I'll riff on it, and then maybe I'll get a clip out of that.

Okay. So I was like, oh yeah, I'll do it. I show up, it's crazy production, grips, catering, jibs, lighting rigs, I was like, oh, this is they're gonna shot this on an iPhone But whatever I could do a half an hour 45 minutes. So I go up Donnelly kills good crowd. I'm riffing. I'm working on new. I got a I got a hot show in the city and Then they won't tell me what the thing is gonna be so like something crazy gonna happen So I just assumed I'll probably get heckled

or told I suck or something. So I go, all right, they won't tell me what it is because they want me to be natural. So I was like, okay, so then I'm doing. You're a natural guy. Yeah, you know me, not robotic, not autistic. Guy walks on stage and I was so into the set. I was like, oh, what's going on here? I thought he was like trying to get past me to get out to the bathroom or something and I realized

Oh, this must be the thing So I start trying to riff on him and I'm like, hey, what do you have are we running out of place? Put migrants due tunneled some joke and then a girl walks on stage and No one's really doing anything people in the crowd like what the hell's happening? What's going on? So the crowd is a regular crowd. Regular crowd. And then they go to me, the security guard is right here, and he goes, come on, come on.

So then the crowd's like, oh no, these guys must be dangerous. This must be some kind of thing, because they're taking the comedian off, and a lady was filming it on her phone in the front row, and that's what made it go viral. All the other shit was a big waste. They spent all this money on giant 10k cameras and grips and maintenance guys and all this shit. It went viral because a woman filmed it and all you see is me being pulled off stage with a guy on stage.

Right. So the internet just went apeshit and spun it and did what they do where they make incredibly false statements with pure confidence. Right, yeah, I mean, that was crazy stuff. I mean, cause you say, oh, someone got tased, so there was all these things about someone got tased. There you go. Which is hilarious, and then people were like,

cops ran through, but you're like, there's no cops. No cops. No cops at all, and I also was taken by the fact, cause everyone was messaging me, I got literally the most calls I've ever gotten in my life. I mean like family members, comics, people from high school, celebrity comedians. It was crazy.

And everyone's like, is he okay? And I mean, maybe I'm crazy. I watch the video, I'm like, he doesn't look particularly nervous. No. You're literally smiling. And I said to people, I'm like, if this had been a serious thing

that was really like someone just ran on stage, the natural thing would be either to defend yourself or create distance. Yes, yes. Like no one is just going like, ah, look at this. I mean, like if somebody came on stage, I would be like, let me just go ahead and move out of the way. And so I was getting frustrated

because it's like, is he dying? Is he okay? Was there a bomb? Did he get shot? And I'm watching being like, it looks pretty healthy to me. It was fine, but the unknown kicks in. Everybody's curiosity sparks up.

And then you remember the Chappelle thing, the Chris Rock thing, so you're like, is it one of those? And then no one will tell them. So I feel for the public. They're just like, what is it that TMZ picks it up? They're calling me like crazy, Page Six, all these other things.

And if you go on YouTube and put my name in it, the whole feed is just like, was he abducted? Was it an alien? Was it a terrorism? Was it whatever? So it was all a big fat nothing, but the thing that bugged me was I just got off stage and ran to another show.

I was like, all right, thank you, we did it, good. All right, I'm gonna run out. big fat nothing, but the thing that bugged me was I just got off stage and ran to another show. I'm like, all right, thank you, we did it, good. All right, I'm going to run out. They did like a, they evacuated the audience. So then it makes it look like it's a legit scary thing. Well, is that, were those people from the production company? Cause I haven't been to New York comedy club in a minute. Do those people work there?

Who? The people that came on at the end and said, okay, we need you to leave. Oh, they were part of the production. That's what I thought. Because I'm like, I don't recognize these people. No, no, no. Well, that lady seemed actually scared. The lady that gets on the microphone. I don't think she was. But no, I don't think she was either. But I'm saying like she at least did a thing where she was like, Ah, yeah. So all's

well that ends well. No one got hurt. It was all a big ruse to get traffic to Mr. and Mrs. Smith. ends well. No one got hurt. It was all a big ruse to get traffic to Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Uh-huh. Which I guess worked. Well, it worked. Yeah. I mean, my God, it was, I mean, that's the biggest thing

anyone's ever been a part of. That was bigger than fucking... Watergate? I'm talking comics. Oh, yeah. I mean, that was bigger than... Well, the Chris Rock slap, I think, is bigger. I'm talking you, me, Sam, Framer, the Butler. Sam I mean that was bigger than certainly, you know

Whatever sure sure yeah TMZ wasn't like new Sam Arill special. No, they never do it'd be nice Wouldn't be bad poke poke fun at that or poke fun to blow that up. I mean that was NBC news CBS Daily mail you're in like the Daily Mirror, some crazy, I mean it was wild. Yeah, yeah, it's the unknown. I had people, like celebrity guy, I don't wanna say his name, but he DM'd me and he's like, just tell me what it is, I'll leave you alone.

Like you don't have to, we don't have to chit chat, just tell me what it is, I'm just dying to know. Yeah, I think the mystery, but yeah, I mean people are really, the rumor mills were really cooking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I didn't know what it was gonna be and I just played a little played ball and got the hell out of there I just wanted to do a set but it became a hole to do well it worked out it worked out but you know I don't also don't want to be like the Andy Kaufman guy is he gonna go up and do a thing now

you know right so that part sucks but they set the whole thing up, I don't know, but I guess it worked. Yeah, absolutely. Well, we gotta wrap this fucking thing up, but what a weekend, insane week. It's crazy that you did two at the Beacon, and it wasn't even close to being the biggest, most talked about thing you did.

How weird is that? Yeah, that's- That's a weird three days. That show biz. That is, I mean, I guess the New York Times was at the beacon. That helps. That helps. Hopefully that. Did they write it up? I hope. I think he's in the process. He's gentle because those guys can be harsh. Cinnamon? Yeah, and I said a lot of fucked up shit as you do as a comedian. Of course. But then Sunday, I went and did West Side and bombed.

Which is fun. Right next door. Just to block away, yeah. Literally, I mean, across the street. Literally, and it was eight people, and they were like, who are you, what are you talking about? And I was like, ah, it was a tech.

Ah, that's cool. TMZ. All right, we gotta wrap this up. Go, oh my God, that's an expensive camera. I should have thrown out that one. Go get tickets to the show. First of all, I started, I don't know how to say it other than Patreon, but it's not Patreon.

I'll punch up live. Oh, you got it. A little subscription-based bonus, and it's kind of like my full metal jacket, but it's just me on the road with Andy Henriksen, Matt Wayne, whoever I'm with. This is Luke Moniz, and it's us just bullshitting. So extra content, it's five bucks a month.

If you want to join, I'm doing some solo ones too. No pressure. People get upset when you fucking. They get very mad. I'm doing it or don't. They don't have to, but there's some really good stuff. I had some great conversations, some funny stuff. It's a lot of me and Matt Wayne talking music, talking mental health,

making fun of people. Get on there. If you want big mindful mental jacket guests coming up and some really great episodes. This is one with Isabel Hagen. So check it out. Get in there. And May Planner. The second May second Regent Theater Los Angeles. Please buy those tickets for God's sakes. We got a few months to sell it, but wait, you're there the second? Yeah. I'm there the third. I know, you're there the second too, I thought.

You're going to Nates and then coming by or whatever. Yeah, I'll come by, but I thought, I thought you couldn't do a live pod. They told me the fifth. You're only available the fifth. Oh, we are. That was, you weren't available till Monday. It was what I was telling people.

That's what people said. Well, I think the store wants us to do it, the comedy store, and they gave us the fifth. The only thing they offered was May 2nd at midnight and the next thing they said was the fifth, but I was told it was your availability. Wow. That's what I was told.

Okay, I'll do the fourth. May the fourth be with you? Yes. The fourth is the Saturday, I mean, I would do the fourth too, but we don't find a venue. They could do it like five or something. The fifth, or maybe they said Monday, maybe the sixth they offered.

Ooh, that's far offered. Yeah, I was like, I can't just be in LA for a week. I have a child. We'll figure it out. But yeah, I couldn't. I don't want to do midnight the night because midnight is 3 a.m. I go to bed at 10 p.m. Yeah, good point. I'm like, this is gonna be crazy. But anyways, we'll figure that out. May 2nd, Regent Theater, go to PunchUp Live, sign up for the email list. All my tickets are on their punch up live.com, Joe slash list or whatever. And there's something else I want to fucking plug. I can't remember. Columbia, Missouri, all the stuff, Buffalo. I'm going everywhere. So please get yourself a ticket. Come on out.

Watch the special blah, blah, blah. Hey, yes, yes. A bunch of dates, markethomeandcomedy.com. Go to PunchUp as well. I put a story on my Instagram every week with the link. Coming to your town, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Tucson, Phoenix, Charlotte, Charlottesville, Charleston, all the other ones that sound the same. And yeah, check out our specials. Get on the Patreon, it's cooking.

Oh, big stuff on the Patreon coming. We did a Grove 34, our Ballex, Chuck was away, but Lex filmed everything, it had to be three, I think four bonuses. Jesus. From that, I mean, it was great. We had a full diner hang with Salakew, Chavone came in, we got a backstage hang,

we got us riffing on stage, we got a whole bunch of stuff, let's walk around Astoria. It was really something, I just got hit with a shit, isn't that the craziest feeling? Oh, it was a decent shitter here. It just came on, just right there. So now is a great time to sign up for the Patreon, we always say it, but people love the video stuff, they love hot gay sets. This is us. We're going to do another one. There's going to be a lot of hot gay sets coming up. So get on that. And then the other bonuses have just been us doing another 30 minutes of podcasts, which a lot of people love. So get on there. If you want 30 minutes extra podcast a week, you want the podcast early a week, you want an ad free a week. You want videos of us on stage,

backstage. Only place you can find it is on the Patreon. You got it, baby. We'll see you all in hell. Praise Allah. Thank you.