Tuesdays with Stories! - #542 Lil' Realm

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Joe makes some wild predictions about the future of SNL and the inclusion of a very familiar Normand. A HISTORIC first-ever on-air bet occurs between our beloved hosts! Mark get a mysterious package of vinyl, and Joseph heads to a dental corporate and deals with a few hiccups in front of the denture doctors! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com, promo code TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS & get on your way to being your best self. - Support the show & get grooming with Manscaped for 20% off & free shipping. Head to https://www.manscaped.com & use code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Hey! Nani Nani! Here we are. We're here with queer. We're wearing sweats. We're hooded up. Your ankles are out.

I'm gay. My ankles have been out for 20 years. Yeah, those aren't sweats though, right? Those are dress pants slash sweats. Well, these are the remember the Rev or the rel Sleep what was that Revenant revenue hell of a film to bear No, these are Mack Weldon similar, but they're they're stretchy and they're goopy Yeah, they're queefy But they're not slacks. I wear them But I think you could wear those I thought because those look like dockers to me

I got a drawstring here, baby That's what's so interesting and this goes back to what all the kids are wearing in high school But those things they look like you could wear them to a funeral or whatever really? Well, you should bury them, but I wore them on stage one time some guy was like too casual what are you doing I can see your dick but I was like I thought these were slacks. Yeah which one is it? Sometimes in life you're like oh I'm pure white trash. Sure. I didn't know that till I was like 39. Yeah yeah yeah well you go to a fancy joint and they're like that's a salad for a quaefe.

I'm like, oh, shit, we're having salad? I know. It's bad. And I love Mountain Dew and the code red. Come on. I haven't had a Mountain Dew since the 70s. I think we might have talked about this one time. I remember this is an interesting story.

And this is a tidbit. When I first started doing comedy, I was 18, you know, 19 in Boston. So back in the day, I'm not a kid anymore. And I still get, by the way, the best new comic out there. I'm like hooting the blowfish. I've been around for 30 years. You're over Dane. Dane Cook in 2004.

I mean, 20 years ago. I hadn't even started yet. I mean, there was an MC at the Stanley Day. Literally, he started after I was born. I mean, I started before he was born. Whoa. And he started after I was born.

I guess so, yeah. But so when I first came, I buddied up with Lamont. Lamont was my guy. Oh, yeah, big price. And then he had a buddy, a fellow African-American fellow who wasn't a comic. He was just guy. Yeah. Big price. And then he had a buddy, a fellow African American fellow who wasn't a comic. He was just around. They all know each other and I was driving. Well, in Boston, there's only 12 of them. That's true. I mean, less if they had their way. So I would drive him. I was like, I made friends with him. I forget his fucking name. I wish

he could think of it, but actually it's good. I don't know his name because I'm what I'm about to reveal was that I would drive him to I'd like Lamont because I would drive Lamont home every night like 20 minutes out of the way But you just wanted to be in comedy. Yeah, you're hanging. What else you doing? It was so exciting and Unless you're probably banged up Well, that's what I'm travel. I wasn't Drinking before shows that I'd have a couple after I get that I was underage I see when I first started doing comedy. I'd have a couple after I got there. I was underage. I see.

When I first started doing comedy, I would not drink before a set. Yeah, I did it once and never again. It's, you think, hey, I'll be loose. I'll be like, stand hope up there. I'll be wacky. And then you get hammered and you're like, I can't think of anything.

Yeah. Exactly. And also, I lived in Whitman. So it was like 45 minute ride. And I wasn't totally destroyed as a human at that point. I just graduated high school and I was doing comedy. I was like, woohoo. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, I'm not going to break any laws and whatever. But anyways, I wish I could think of this. Oh, I remembered it. It was Mark. Mark something.

Can't believe I forgot. That's your name. But anyways, so I would start driving him around and Lamont, I think I've told this story too, I met Lamont Price, great comic, Boston comic, and then I was going to the comedy connection and I bought a ticket. And one of the best things anyone's ever done for me my whole life, I'll never forget it. I email him like a quarterly to be like, I appreciate that. He came up to me in the crowd and was like, what are you doing? Get out of here.

What? He's like, you got anywhere in the back. The comics are in the back. Oh, fun. He's like, you don't sit in the crowd. He's like, you're a comedian. And no one had ever called me a comedian. That's adorable.

I mean, I had done 60 sets in my life. Yeah. You know, I was doing comedy for six months. And he was like, you're a comedian. Don't sit in the crowd. He's a William Hassel. Oh, we're all back there. And then you look and it's like the blind melon video. It's people in V costumes. And he took me into the back bar at the comedy connection. He's like, this is a, you know, Tracy, this is Stu. This is Joe. He's a comic. And to this day,

maybe the back, I mean, DePaul, Louisie, all these people have helped me, pales in comparison to pulling me out of the crowd and saying, get over here, you dork. A thing of beauty, a good old price tag. Well, I got a similar thing when I started my first open mic. Some guy goes, what are you doing? You're on the show. And I go, well, it was an open mic. And I was like, yeah, sure. And he goes, we're all in the back. And then they had a comics meeting. Did you guys ever have those? Like, you're gonna go first. All right, here's the light. There was so many new comics.

It was in Lafayette, Louisiana. So we had the meeting and I felt so camaraderied. I was like, it was a black guy, a white guy, a lady, trans, a gay. It was so many different groups and we're all together. It's so exciting. Most diverse occupation. I would say that our UFC is up there.

I suppose so, but I guess I mean diversity, not just race and gender, but diversity of background. Ah, yes. You're not gonna meet a lot of UFC fighters that have a PhD. That's a good point. Or went to Harvard. Or were a lawyer and jumped out to be a standup.

Which comedy, you literally have homeless crack addicts and neuroscientists on the same show. Yeah, like I think Nick Kroll's dad is a rich guy, like an oil tycoon. And then you got, I don't know, who's a hobo? Stavros? Yeah, Stavros Theo Vaughn's from the Bayou. Yeah.

Yeah, it's all over the road. That's a good point. All over the place. But anyway, so I would drive LeMond home every night because we just really hit it off. And he lived in Revere. I lived in Whitman, which if you want to pull up a map, they're not close.

But I didn't care. I was like, I'll drive you home. Because I was hanging and laughing. You revered him. And nice. And then he's like, this is my friend Mark. And I'll drive him home. And a few times, this is all stem is my friend, Mark, and I'll drive him home. Uh-huh. And a few times, this is all stemmed from the Mountain Dew.

So I would drive him home and he was like, Hey, man, I just got to stop off over here. I got to give my friend something. And I'd be like, no problem. I'll stop off. Sure. And now we're in like Roxbury, which is a bit, uh, whatever the proper word is now. Tough area. Urban.

Yeah. Black. I mean, ghetto is what we used to say, but I think that's incorrect now. I think you say taken from the Jews, by the way. Yeah, the ghetto. That makes sense. So we would pull over there and then he'd just disappear for a little bit and I'm like, I just probably getting something. And then you have this realization. You're like, Oh, am I driving around a drug dealer? Is that what's going on here? Cause I would just go and he's like, I got one more stop up here at this neighborhood and it was like the Chappelle

joke. It's a baby smoking cigarettes. Lick, liquor store, crack head, a gun store. Yes, exactly. And then we're coming all the way back around to the mountain do and I've never been this kind of guy. He was like, I'm going to run into seven. I had to get gas or something. Maybe or I can't remember. He was like pulling to the seven 11. I was pumping the gas and he's like, I'll go in and get you something maybe or I can't remember. He was like, pulling to the 7-Eleven. I was pumping the gas and he's like, I'll go in and get you something. Which I think is standard. If you're driving and you're pumping gas,

the other person goes and gets snacks for the guy pumping the gas. Definitely driving etiquette. Good point. So I said, good point. I didn't mean good. I made the point and then you have confirmed and I pointed at you and said good point.

I'm backing up the point. Good confirmation. There we go. I concur. Anyway, so he went in and he's like, I was like, give me a Mountain Dew at the time I love Mountain Dew and he came back and he tossed me a red bottle and I go, what is this? He's like, that's the new shit. Oh, he blacked it up and I was like, what? And he's like, that's the new stuff. It's hot or whatever. And I was like, no, I want a Mountain Dew. You got me red dew. And he didn't know you too well, because imagine if you were like,

give me a tea, and I came back with chamomile. You'd ship my eye. I mean, it's McMahon on me. Now, where do you stand on that? Because I understand if I said, surprise me. Yeah. But I'm with you. You want what you want. You know, it's like when you go to a restaurant, you're like,

hey, I'll take the The wave os Rancheros and they come back with an omelet. They're like, that's how we do it Well, I don't want that. I want the way both give me the way both baby wave. Oh Believo. I got nothing away. Oh, hey, wave. Oh, yeah, I got nothing way vote Texas Cuz we go away vote New York. Oh boy the way vote, the way vote York. Okay. That's, isn't how you say New York? Oh boy. Any farts. But yeah, he hit me with the red mountain do. And then at, you know me, I can't even pretend to drink a red, if it's something I don't want. I'm like, I just went out and then I do this move. I'm going to save this.

Oh, that's good. As though for some reason I wanted a mountain do a second ago. And now I'm like, you know what, I changed my mind, Drake, when it's warm. Yeah, yeah, I did that with my wedding ring. Oh, I forgot my wedding ring today. Oh! Why don't you mention that? Careful.

Yeah. I think you can fuck. If you forget your wedding ring, can't you just fuck a woman? I think so, yeah, the band is gone. The lease is lifted or whatever. Band of gold, but... I'm with you and remember you, we did Sacramento in 1981, whatever year that was, headlining Joe Derosa,

you featuring me hosting. Yes, legendary. I didn't know what was going on. We got drunk as shit every day, every night. Derosa's gay. We all got fired by her age at whatever happened. Yeah, our manager. And I had a button down on every night.

And you were like, hey, I'm having a Bud Light. I'm like, I'm good, I'm good. I was looking at my notes and I went up there and I, you know, I'm hosting, I bombed, whatever. And I got off and you're like, what are you doing? Don't tell them you have a day job. All right, yes. I still worked in an office then.

Yes. I was like a janitor or something. And you were like, don't do that. They think they're coming out to a show. They think you have a job. You don't look like a professional comedian. And I was like, don't do that, they think they're coming out to a show, they think you have a job, you don't look like a professional comedian. And I was like, I'm not. And it's also like, they feel ripped off.

Yes. They bought tickets, they sat down, they're ordering drinks and someone comes up and goes, boy, today I was cleaning toilets. And you're like, what? Well, I thought it was, I mean, I was a man of the people. I was down with the locals. I know you gotta stay used to because it's like,

if you went to see a rock show and a band comes out and they're like they got Walmart uniforms on. It's got a fun. The Greeders or whatever. The Walmart uniforms would be fun but you don't want them being like boy I just finished up the shift over at Sears and Roebuck. Right. I'm like these guys Sears and Roesuck. Hello.

Hey. These are named for a band, the self checkouts. That's not bad. Very like the late 90s, the thuck craze. Oh boy. You know what, I got something to talk about and it's not, you're not gonna like it. Oh god. You're not gonna like it. Is it a Nikki Haley?

It's gonna upset you. Oh god. But something crazy occurred to me two nights ago. Uh-oh. I'm out. I'm at the stand and pregnant again. No. Okay. Oh God. I hope not. I was at the stand. We're all hanging out yucking it up. It's me, Ian Lara, Kramer, the butler. We're all fucking around. By the way, on one of the bonuses, the live joined the Patriot. We got some great stuff. We were talking about the episode of the site for the parking spot and I said

Owen Benjamin as the character Owen Marsh remember the old man has a heart attack. Yes. I'm like, oh, yeah Owen Benjamin. I was rewatching it. I'm like Owen Benjamin Different guy. Yeah, Owen Marsh is the guy's name. I just thought I got to clarify Anyways, the thing you're not gonna like so we're all talking about and I met first of all I do this I'm like, hey Shane Gillis is hosting SNL how crazy is that everyone's like what and then I realize I'm like is that a big secret? So maybe I don't know I heard that and then like 10 minutes later. He announced it. Okay, I was like woof, but it occurred to me I'm driving home. I Think you're gonna host SNL. Oh

Geez you scare me like you're not gonna like this. So then you pull that out of your ass. I know, but I'm looking like he has a million followers. You have a million followers. Two at the Beacon. You're a New York staple. You're at the top of the comedy game. Now this is different.

This is gonna happen. This is a story. Is this crazy? No, I think you're crazy. Oh, Chuck is crazy. It's possible. Chuck doesn't agree. Chuck is hurt.

I mean, that was hurtful. This is a story though. This is the guy who got fired is now the Bud Light sponsor. It's crazy. It's possible. Chuck doesn't agree. Chuck has heard. I mean, that was hurtful. This is a story, though. This is the guy who got fired is now the Bud Light sponsor. But Nate Bargassi. Now he's at the forum. I'm going to say Nate, too. I'm not saying you're hosting tomorrow.

But why is it? Ten years, maybe. Ten years. I got an OD. I got to be resuscitated. You got to give me mouth to mouth while I get a boner. And then I got to be in the paper. I got to save an old lady from a train. You think you're gonna be successful in 10 years?

You got 18 months. Yeah, I'm on the way out. You're right about it. Good point But that's that how crazy is that that's like not even like insane right now if you're like I'm hosting SNL I'd be like I'd be I'd be blown away, but it's not insane. Sure. Sure chain I think we got it. Costanza? Like Gaffigan has never hosted. Is that true? I assume.

I think maybe he hosted. I feel like we got a little ways to go. You got to be on a TV show. But he's young and hip. That's true. Nate, no TV show. Shane, no TV show. He's got a million followers.

You got a million followers. And so does the twerky dick chick out there has a million followers you got a million followers yeah so does a twerky dick chick out there has a million followers you know no one wants to see twerky dick chick I'm a fan well who's a I never heard of AO AOC I've heard of her thanks AO AO to me is Australian open. Oh, yeah, who's the a o lady? She was a comic. She's huge. She's on there Oh, hey, oh, who's a oh She just hosted. Oh, she's an actress. But wasn't she a comic for a minute? No, I don't think now She was Katie Hanna can do a show with her. Oh, she's that right? That's what she said But maybe it was a Broadway show. I'd be one of those Facebook photo profiles where they were like

I'm a comic and you're're like, you did two sets. But anyways, it's in the realm. Give me realm. I think something's going to happen. You've got to break. You've got to have like a Bill Burr Philly rant or a fucking kid. You're broken. You broke.

I'm broken, my hymen's broken. Two beacons. Two beacons, but that's because of the TMZ. No, it wasn't the TMZ. Get out of here. Well, that's what helped it. We were struggling for a minute there and we really got that scandal. Well, Chuck doesn't believe in you.

No, no. I mean, I'd be mad at Chuck if I were you. He went like this. I thought Nate was like a, like a, like it was a specific thing because of the strike. That's how I felt. But then the show was so good. Everyone loved it. It was a very beloved episode. They're gonna look for real comics,

good comics, strong comics. I think we got some people to sift, like a Jermaine Fowler or something. I think we got a go through. Jermaine Fowler. Stavros, I think would host before me. He's fun looking. He's got a Hawaiian shirt on. he's weird looking are you garbage gonna be up there eating Doritos? Are you garbage?

I'm telling you they're fun They're there are man of the people that are you mind? They're uh, you know they're there. They're there. They're wonderful guys my favorite Sam over Sam's Now you talk he's New York. Yeah. Sam is better than you. Absolutely. There we go. Stop roasting. Are you garbage? I mean, we might as well put a Fene and Canon together on SNL. I'm eating here. What are we doing? Good Lord. I'm gonna say some people the, the fans have heard of, but I think it's gonna happen. I think, I mean, 10 years is crazy.

You'll be shit out the bottom of the porn industry by then. That's true. I'll be back at the Boise Funny Bone by then. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be liberal with it or a conservative with it. The opposite of liberal. Yes, yes. I'm gonna say 28 months.

Within 28 months. What? Under 28 months. Let's take a bet. You're hosting SNL. I'll bet you $1,000 $1,000 dollars Well, this is hard though This is a this is a fucked up bet because you have control of this you could pass on it

I will not just with a thousand honor code no pass no Who's your agent? I want to talk to your agent change the change the bet to be if he gets asked to do it That's it an offer But offer cool. I talking to. We're gonna do the honor system. Wow. This is, you know, this isn't exactly Abraham Lincoln over here. Hey, I can't tell a queef. Get my, get my agent on the line. An honor system with money. Well, this will be such a big, hey, I'm good with that. I pay back my debts. I'm not saying, you know, pay. I'm saying if we're going honor system, it's 1,000 bucks is on the line.

If you get an offer and you'll be, whoop. Well, all of it so I hear, hey, you can't keep a secret. I won't be able to keep the secret. That's interesting. That is interesting. I have a point. You'll tell other people, you'll keep it from me. Oh, it'll get around.

That'll go around quicker than Chuck's herpes. 25 months, let's do a hundred bucks What's two years from now two and a half years? What's 25? It's August 2026 wait give me two and a half years 24 plus six months is It's August 2026 30 months good movie 2026. There's not enough Episodes though. They only do what do they do do a year I think they work every fucking six months these yeah yeah three on two off three on two off so how many episodes a year are there give it a goog either way 30 months asking it'll get around I'll do it obviously I'll do

anything I'll go the Grove about About 20, 18 to 21. Alright, $100, 30 months, you will be propositioned to host Saturday Night Live. I will say I will not. That's a thousand clams, witness, witness. Saturday Night Live! Live from New York! It's dick face. Not gonna happen. I think it'll happen. Kevin Hart. Or Sam Maril.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is a different bet. This is a different bet. Now you're changing your bet. All right, you're made fuller. Any of the three. You can't do that. I'm gonna say I'll hit on the craps 18. Or 41.

Or 62. All right, I stand by it. I'm gonna call your agent and say let's get working. Now is this someone that's been, have you discussed this with your people? Not once, never come up, not a Teehee, not a ha. It's off in the ether. Bring it up.

I don't want to help the bet. I think you should bring it up. Now, if it's 30, if that was in 32 months, we'd call it even draw. I still win, according to me. We'd call it even draw, but it's in the realm. We're realm. All right realm big realm All right, Rem battle. Yes real battle little realm good guy. Anyways, that was my thought

That's a good thought. Hey, that was fun now. We only have to wait two and a half years for results I think it's gonna happen in the next six months an ask And ask as an ask I don't think so. I'm more of months. An ask. An ask is an ask. I don't think so. I'm more of a mad TV guy. We'll see what happens. Who's your manager and agent? I wanna get on the horn with these people.

I'm with the UTA agent and Levity Management. I got a UTI over here. Hey. And Bernzy. Anyways. Chris Burns. Oh yeah. That's funny.

That's his manager. Yeah, just name. Burns. Is that all right to put out there? Yeah, that's out there. Yeah. I hope people know just check it Call him as a matter of fact stop messaging me for God's sakes. Yes. Can I say this too? I we love the fans. We we love the adore the fans The reason the show is banked is so we can have a show. I know they're so upset I'm really mad they email me like furious. It's either banked episodes or weeks without an episode. You got that right, Faye. I mean, I was just

in Tacoma for ten days. I mean, not even getting into your schedule. I was in Tacoma for ten days. I was in Boston for five days. I'm going to Austin for six days tomorrow. I got a child and what do you want us to do? I don't know what to tell you. We're doing it for you. We could just take off. And then some people do these pods do? I don't know what to tell you. We're doing it for you. We could just take off. And then some people do these pods out there. I'm not going to say who, but they're like, we'll do one on in a month. We'll see what I got a life to live.

And people just wait. Exactly. It's either fresh and every three weeks, two weeks, 10 days, which people go ballistic. We take Christmas off. We tell them in June, we're taking Christmas off, and people fucking fire missiles into my house I know right and

By the way, we're reading the comments and taking in all your feedback So that's why we're bitching you know other people just go hey the fans are pissed fuck them And they throw their phone in a garbage shoot. We actually listen to it and go we're trying we're trying to work it out So no one else is doing that either but yeah, I understand our show is It's got a way if you it to come out on schedule, it's gotta be banked. That's it, I'm sorry, I feel bad, I love you, I appreciate it.

Now join the Patreon. Yes, we got some hot new ones, we did Grove, we went to a diner, we walked there, he touched my leg, I mean it was a great one. Okay, kill him. But I'm watching them, I'm engrossed, I'm ingrained. These are, this is gold. Oh yeah, that guy can edit.

I don't know why we don't use it more. Well, there's almost no edits whatsoever. I'm sure Chuck will point that out. But it's just us chatting at the diner. The diner is fun, because you get to see the real fucking come on the dick. Yes, it's better on a black dick. But yeah, you get the perspective, you get to see what it's like on the dick. Yes, it's better on a black dick. But yeah, well, you get the perspective,

you get to see what it's like behind the scenes. Yeah, it's really fun. And boy, Salak use is fun to watch. He's a goofball. He's an early about four foot one. He's hairy. He's old. He's fun.

He's really something. But yeah, so thanks for coming out to those and join that Patreon. You know, he was a catcher. He caught in college, which is so perfect. He's like a he's like a thumb He played college baseball. I believe so. There's no way maybe was the mascot I've seen him move he's not a well, he's all cranked up because of the the knees I don't know. I don't know about this.

He was out there like Capredick every night that wears on a man. I'll bet another $100. He did not play college baseball. I think he threw that out there when you first met. He was trying to impress you. Yeah, well. I can't tell.

He threw me a curveball. But either way, he's. I can't see Peter. He played. He played something. Pickleball, I don't know. We got to get back to pickleball. I know.

I love it. Sarah had a part where she said we should get a fifth person to just look at the baby and you rotate someone out. So whoever's not playing is just looking at the baby. Oh, really? Or someone baby sits the baby at home, I guess. Yeah, because I don't know how to do that. Yeah, you just look at them and go, uh...

Okay. I guess Sarah would just be the one that lives. She goes and looks at them. Yeah, but she's gotta play. Ah, she could play a little. I suppose she could swivel. Yeah, plus with the vaginal reconstructive surgery. I don't know if she's allowed to be chucking and jiving.

Well, I think she just pisses everywhere. Oh, OK. Well, we'll get her a catheter. But I think that happened before. I think these women are all dripping piss. Yeah, well, it's just a hole. What do you expect? We have a hole, but I guess it's teeny.

Oh, yeah, we got a teeny hole. And we got a, I feel like we got a gatekeeper in there. We got a governor. Well we don't have a man blasting the hole every few days. Speak for yourself. I hear ya. You are a funny guy. Oh come on. SNL come on. Up here it's already happened. That's pee hole jokes they don't allow it. I mean Shane Shane, he's got Nate crack the door. We're back on SNL, but well, do you go on Twitter? I mean, that when that got announced, I mean the onslaught of just Shane, he's like, he's like the male Taylor Swift. He's got, he's got a Gillies or whatever you want to call them. It's not David Portnoy.

I just said that. No way. He said male male Taylor Swift, which, because I was like, that seems insane. Yeah, well. The biggest, but. Sure. I said it before, this is like a year ago. Shane's doing towns in Scotland. I never heard of. Wow.

Theaters where people were like, and I'm like, I never even heard of this town. It's like Cluster Coop, Coopabootoo. Oh, wow. Scotland, so. Freedom. He's a big guy, and that was very exciting, which by the way, I forget often that our

friends are just your friends. You forget that they're huge and he posted it and I wrote Rive from New York thinking like this is funny. It has like 5,800 likes, there's 350 comments, but- Did you delete it? No, it's on there. I couldn't find it. No, in my mind I was like, oh, people are tweeting.

It's like the talk of the town, which I actually feel bad because I didn't mean to be like- Stir it up. Yeah, like do a thing. But in your mind, you're like, oh, I'll write a funny thing on his post. And you forget that 10 million people are seeing this. I know, I know, and it's a funny line,

and it applies well. It's a perfect joke. Oh, thanks, but I just uh... I went to your page and I was like, Liz wrote this, I said, really? And I went to you and I couldn't find it. Well, it's not on my page, it's on his page. Oh, that's why. It's like the top comment. Oh, that's great. Are you nervous about Asian hate stopping?

No, not too much. I don't know. I don't think so. Well, I tweeted. Pretty innocuous, I feel like. He got Bud Light thing, and that was announced. So I wrote, they went from trans to trans fast. Saw that. And he texted me, and he was like, what the hell, man? Oh, no.

And I was like, oh, I thought that was mild. In my mind, I'm like, hey, we're friends. This is a fat joke. Who cares? And he's like, I'm just kidding. And I was like, oh, but're friends. This is a fat joke. Who cares? And he's like, I'm just kidding. And I was like, oh, but I had that feeling of like, oh my god. I don't want to, because he's been piled on so much

that I don't want to be another guy. I was like, it's a fat joke. I was trying to be folksy. Oh god. I texted Soda. I was like, was this too much? He's like, ah, you're fine. Oh my god, that's terrifying.

I love that Soda's like the Shane Whisperer. Yeah, exactly. We're the same size, you know? But what a thrill. What an exciting time to be alive. I mean, it's just, but. The good guy won. It does, I mean, I don't want to divulge in the whole thing,

but it does frustrate you that you like to see like, so that was all horse shit. Exactly. That's what I was going to say. It's all just capitalism. Where's the integrity? It's all capitalism. It's all just capitalism. Ah, where's the integrity? It's all capitalism. It's all just like, okay, we think this will help.

I know. Okay, well this will help. So the slur is not bad anymore? So the slur was bad, but now it's not bad. Right. Which one is it? You're foolish. I'd almost respect you more if you stayed true to your horse shit, but they cracked,

they broke because they knew it your horse shit, but they cracked, they broke, because they knew it was horse shit. Yeah, and he's obviously just a great guy and just pop the charts talent. Sure. Somebody said it would be really funny, they're like, no call, no show, fire them, which felt so sign-felsy into me, like our Costanza,

which would be really funny if he just didn't come the day of the show. Well, he's got a lot of pressure here because he's got to kill that monologue. Oh, yeah. And then, like, does he say slur, or does he fuck with Bo and Yang? Does he do an Asian joke? I mean, he's got to represent. He's got to be true to him, but he's also got to play ball.

It's a tough spot. And then Norm also had that famous SNL re-hosting where he fucking trashed the show and that was so great that he's kind of got a He's in that ballpark. He's got a bar here. Right. Yeah, I always think it'd be also good if he just Did straight stand up and didn't even mention it. That's another option that too. Yeah, just killed him good and everybody goes Oh, yeah, he's good I just realized when does this come out because? Because we're just talking about banking episodes. This may come out after the show. Bump it up.

It's coming out right there, on the 19th, I think. Oh, that's before. When did the show come out? 23rd, I believe. Oh, okay. That sounds right. Whew. Whoa.

Whoa. That sounded like Greg the cat and you sat on his tail. I was like a ghost? Shit. How is Greg the cat? He's good. He's got ringworm. Ah Yeah, yeah highly contagious nice

everyone here but One more thing I was oh, you know the norm story with the hosting SNL He was backstage in his green room with Artie Lang and he was like, what am I doing? Fuck these guys. Why am I hosting this and And Artie Lang was like, you agreed to host, I don't know. And he was like, I hate these show, I hate these people, maybe I'll just walk.

I'll just walk, I'll just totally fuck them. How great would that be if I just left the studio, they would have no host, all the sketches would be screwed. I'm walking. Oh wow. And Artie Lang goes, it's funny, but you'll never work in showbiz again. Just do the fucking thing. All right. All right. All right. You got a point. Makes sense.

So what if people have sent me the norm clip from Stern when you're talking about Woody Harrelson and Milo Sherman? Oh, I saw that too. That one had me on the ground laughing. Just look it up. It doesn't, we can't get into it too much I guess. It's great. Norm the King. Yeah, he's the greatest. Hey folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Blu-Chu. Everybody wants to have that incredible sex, right? If you're struggling to get things going, Blu-Chu can help.

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Should we get into where you've been? What you've been doing? Yeah, so let me just say this. I'm throwing a wrench in your dick hole. Oh please, am I gonna host 2020? Eh, don't take that bet. But, so, I've been doing this thing where I sell my guy Eric Mann, he's got all these kooky ideas, he's like Cramer, like what if we do this, we'll have ketchup and mustard

in the same bottle, we'll make millions, and I'm like, all right, whatever. Eric Mann is your Bob Sacramento. Yes. I always hear about Eric Mann. Yeah. So I think you've met him. I met him a couple times. He was at the wedding. He was at the wedding, Jew.

One other place. So he goes, why don't we print out a bunch of vinyl records? You sign them, then we'll sell them online. We'll make a fortune. I go, all right, great. So he bought all these records with some company, sent it to my house.

I signed every fucking one of them. My hand hurt. It took forever. I put it back right, great. So he bought all these records with some company, sent it to my house, I signed every fucking one of them, my hand hurt, it took forever. I put it back in the box, I sent them to him, he sells them online. Simple enough. Yeah, easy. So I got a shipment two days ago, five days ago, whatever, a big box of vinyls.

And I go, huh, I guess he's sending me more. So I go out, I buy a Sharpie, I lay them all out so wife hates me the cats pissed I'm signing I'm signing I'm signing I pack them all back up I lug that fucking heavy-ass box to the post office two things one the post office I don't know what happened but they cleaned up they got their act together, it's good the post office is amazing I think they heard all the jokes all the 80s stand-up bits all the podcasts because they are killing it Well, I think FedEx and UPS and Amazon and Sears all are doing so well robot that they had to Ship up or shape up. I think you're right, but it's government run anything government run can they have no competition they can just coast. Right but

not anymore. I guess not anymore. That's the thing they used to be the only game in town but then all these independent companies started kicking ass. It's like independent whatever you call it. What Uber did to cabs. Right. Or Airbnb did to hotels. I don't know. Alright well either way. We're out of my depth here. So Johnny Depp, so they got their shit together. First of all, there's no one in there because everybody hates the post. All the rumors have gotten around. And two, they're nice. I had some Asian ladies, she could have been more helpful. And you know, you go in there with a catcher's mask on and a welding mask, you're like, here you go, don't hurt me because they're so mean usually yes, but she was sweetest pie couldn't have been nicer and

Send the the records back to Eric man and he texts me two days later when he got the records and he's like what's this? I was like I signed the records. What are you talking about? He's like I didn't order these And I was like, huh? So we have no idea who sent me a box of 60 vinyl records, big ass heavy box. I shipped him out. Maybe he's like, Mr. Wellhelm, he's gone bonkos. Maybe he's bonkos, but this guy runs eight tech companies

and he's in Silicon Valley. So I was like, I don't know either. So I texted a couple guys who might be into this and they were like, I've never heard of this. I don't know who did it. So we're going gonna sell them. That's the end of the story, you don't know who got them? I don't know who sent me the records.

This is crazy, this is bizarre. Very bizarre. Maybe it was the record company. Is there a return address? Yeah, it's out in Texas. Texas, Rogan? No idea, so I knew a guy in Texas who sells my shirts for a while. I was like, did you send me a box of records? He's like, no, who are you?

So. Interesting. Yeah, so if you know anybody out there who sent me a box of records, please tell me, because I'm about to sell those puppies online for a pretty penny. And they are your own records, right? It's not like, Sario Speedwagon or anything?

Soup to nuts, me on the cover, my signature. Wacky. Interesting. That is wacky. Call in. That's all I got, but yeah, they're at Eric Mann's house and he's about to ship those bitches. Man. Yeah, well, there you go, it's off the record.

How about this? Can I throw something right in your ass? Yeah, sorry, there you go. It's off the record. How about this? Can I throw something right here? Yeah, sorry. That had no ending. No, it's a mystery. I'm mystified. I'm misty-eyed. Hey, mystified, misty-eyed.

That's fun. Call me crazy. This might be the best episode we ever did. Oh, we got a hot one here. We got a live one. That's in reference to fishing, right? It's got to be, because I've wanted the same thing. We got a lot one. That's in reference to fishing, right? It's gotta be, because I've wondered the same thing. But aren't they all live?

Oh yeah. You're not gonna catch a dead fish. I guess you can't catch a dead fish. We got a live one. Maybe just live, like live meaning like, not live dead, but like live. Yes, enter check. Well I had this one the other day,

I was like, what's the deadline for this, whatever. And I thought, what is deadline? Where did deadline come from? It's a little morbid, deadline. Yeah. I Googled, take a guess. Let me try to guess. Take a big fat, slummy guess.

Well, I guess if we get to this line, we're dead. So like, World War I? But wouldn't it be good to get you to be on a live line? No, deadline is like when you get here, if you don't have it done by here, the deadline is October 5th. Oh, if we don't make it by here. If you don't have it by here, we're dead. I see.

That's the line we gotta get to. That's not bad. And if not, we're out of business. Pretty good. Okay, you ready for it? I can't wait. In old days in the prison, they had the deadline. So if you ran to escape and pass that line, you were dead.

They would shoot you. It was the deadline. It was kind of like the property line. So if you got past it, you were trying to escape, they shoot you. That's the deadline. Interesting. So I don't know how that went from prison to the fucking journalism room, you you know the paper room. Hey, we got a deadline step on it. Well, that's why I guess that's where it Translates in because they're like if we don't get it by here, we're gonna get shot and killed by the editor

Yeah, yeah, that's all like over now basically. I know I know newspaper The guy with pulling his hair out trying to get the Citation or whatever you call that. Yeah, well they fucked themselves They've the media you can't trust anything you got to watch eight different things and then piecemeal Whatever the hell piecemeal means piecemeal. Yeah, you put it together You got to put it together if they invent they should invent one company that just does news no bias no opinion Just do the news. I feel like they clean up. I guess so but now it's what fucked him is social media Yeah, you need a quick. Yeah, he wants to wait. It's like the same thing with Sports Center

Yeah, you're like what am I watching Sports Center for I know what the fuck happened That's true, and that was a big thing You're all getting get together and watch these Sports Centers are extra see you had no news Right didn't know what the hell was going on. They had us by the balls they did. That was fun. Those were good times. I know, but they could also tell you whatever they wanted, too.

True. But I think there was more integrity. Yes. Integral. SNL. Two years. That's got to be a real pride swallow. Like, well, you think that was a meeting in the office

with Lauren, where he's like, I want to have Shane. They're like, it's not going to look good. I don't know. I think Lauren's the boss. He's getting older. I'm sure he felt bad always about it. I think it's like letting me with Bill Hicks. I think it was sitting on him.

And I think that, I think, from what I've heard is that Shane always liked Lord and got it Like I think a lot of those situations that cancel the thing these agents the companies They're like I don't want to do it, but like I'm getting I got 7,000 emails. They're gonna fire bomb fucking studio 8h Sorry. Yeah, it's funny too because I'm such a psycho. I went down to Twitter and there's still a couple people going I can't believe they hired this racist and you're like Are you stupid or you brainwashed or you just trying to cling on? What is it?

They want to cling and they, you know, they think they're making a big difference or something. I don't know. It's, it's embarrassing, but it's embarrassing. He's the man. Anyways. Yeah, I think it's great. I can't wait. I love it. I love it. Rating. I'm like, I'll watch. I'm a watch. It goes back to like capitalism. Ultimately, you're like, yeah, I'm going to make more money this way. Yeah. I think Noam said on a podcast one time that I hope was a podcast, not just in person, but he said he's like, ultimately, everyone is a business owner and he's like,

I'm allowing Louis to work here because I believe Louis, I love Louis, I like Louis, he's done so much for us. He's like, but I also, I believe my business can survive with Louis working here. If I believe Louis working here would sink my business, I would tell Louis, you can't work here. Yeah, that's fair. So I think that's a lot of this is

Lauren was probably like, hey, they're going to take away the show. So sorry. Sure. And now he believes the opposite. Like, this will be OK. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, no, no, he's the man.

He once told me if I wasn't, because look, look, those fucking, what are those guys who stand in the street for the protest, the oil people or the climate change people? The protestor? They block the streets, yeah, the highway, so you can't get by. They're like, well, you gotta help climate change, and there's a viral video of some black guy who gets out. He's like, my daughter's in Brooklyn.

Get the fuck out of the way. I gotta go get her. And you're like, oh yeah, these people have lives. This guy's gotta go get his daughter, and you're fucking him. Meanwhile, you're wearing clothes and shoes and watches and belts They're all made by oil belts. It's all oil Jerry So and you're like causing gas to guzzle while they're just sitting there. It's all pipes none of its thought out It's all optics pipeline. So what I'm saying. Oh

Noem said if I wasn't Like a conservative cunt, the club would close. So everybody's like, blah, blah, you got to do this. You got to fix that. And he's like, but you want to work here. Right. So if I wasn't, if I just, if I agreed with you and played ball with all your shit, the club wouldn't stay open. Right. But you want to work here. So which one is it? They want it both ways love. No, love the podcast. He's great Let me let me show a thing in your asshole if you don't mind. Did we get the the Google? What was it again you said the live one we got a live one

It's basically fishermen when they catch a fish that is really putting up a fight. It's like what Joe said We're like very back. That's live. Yeah. Because I think some fish are just like, all right, I guess that's the dead. The fish gets caught and he's like, oh, damn. Yeah. Something's happening to me. We got a dead one. Dead fish. A live one is like, fuck you, I ain't going. We got a live one.

Live one. So I did this big corporate dentist gig. By the way, I don't know how you get more corporate gigs, but corporate me, baby. I'll come to your dentist thing. I got three dentist gigs this year. Wow. I mean, Cavities, Floss, whatever.

Old Bee, AquaFresh, Colgate, Crest. We did talk about the dentist corporate gigs, but I don't think I told the dentist story, did I? I thought you might have. Maybe I did. Jog me a little. Hum a few bars. Because we did talk about how I get the gig

because the bad teeth, I gotta straighten the teeth, but if I straighten the teeth, I won't get the gig. Maybe I got to the story already. I remember a dental corporate gig, but you do so many. It's hard to keep up with your molars. Yeah, Lex was there. Let me not tell that story. Did you listen to the app? Do you remember? Ouch. All right, well I'll tell this other story because I didn't tell this story.

All right, all right, all right. Maybe I have a tease. A lady walked up with the phone. She showed me the phone. I don't think you told that. I don't remember this. It was one with Lex. We're in the basement. Maybe I was on my way to the corporate gig though. We might have was on my way to the corporate gig though. We might have done that the day before the corporate gig. There you go. Let's hear it. Remember, it was, uh, we, I know the date 21st. I didn't tell the story. I didn't tell this story. I don't think I was just like, I got a corporate gig for the dentists. All right. I don't think I told the story of doing the corporate gig for the dentists. All right. I don't think I told the story of doing the corporate gig for the dentists.

I don't think you did. No, I didn't. So I go to Boston for the big corporate gig. It's in the Democratic National Convention Center, or I guess it's the Convention Center, but that's what they built it for the 2006 DNC where Barack Obama became a huge star. Oh, wow.

That's where he gave his big speech, oh six, who the hell is this guy? Holy shit, we all want to blow him. I have a dream. Yes, exactly, same guy. So I've never been in there. It's this big spaceship and all of Boston, you know, I've been to Laugh Boston.

Yes. That whole area was not an area when I was a kid. Right. The seaport. What was that? Warehouses and a seaport. It was just nothing. It was like every once in a while you'd go to a bar

over there, but it was just kind of nothing and it keeps growing. Yeah, Jerry. It's like my cock. I mean, I go over there now. It's like there's a Alamo Draft House. There's Del Frisco's. There's Jerry Remmies. There's the bait. It's a whole, it's his own city. Yeah. What is that? The fish place? It's a big one. Live bait. Oh, legal se C. Is everything. It's it's crazy down there. And I'm just an old man now. I walk around. I'm like, you should have seen it when I was a boy. Nothing was here. Right. It was all apple orchards. It was farmland. It was pine trees. And it was just it was crazy. It's crazy. So the gig is in the DNC and then the hotel is the Westin in Boston, which is the same as Laf Boston. That's right. Great place.

So I go there and the whole hotel is the dentist or it's like 10,000 dentists. This is like a huge dentist. Oh wow. Anti-dentite. So they haven't had entertain, there's a lot of pressure. They haven't had entertainment since COVID. I'm the first one back. Past performers include Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno,

Robin Williams, the Pointer Sisters. I mean, it's a big deal. So everything in the budget has plummeted. Sure. Because I'm like, oh, Robin Williams wasn't coming for what I made. I'll tell you that. Oh, really?

I mean, unless he did it in 1949. I mean, so I guess the budget went down. Still a pretty juicy payday. Toodaloo! So hello! To try my fruiting. Mrs. Doubtfire was fun. Great touching. Great trans movie. Touching film. Yes. Touching me, touching film. Yes touching me touching you So I do the gig and I got a drive up to boss. I get bulge you to do it I'm like bulge come open the king and he lives in south Boston. So he walks there. Oh, I love it And I go I'll do 10 minutes. I'll give you a nice Chunk sure and he's got diabetes Absolutely, so he walks over there. It makes $500 and 10 minutes.

How nice is that? What a gig. You walk over, free cookies. He couldn't have one, I guess. And I would have to shut. But so we go there. We go to the hotel. And I have my mother take the baby, which is nice.

So Sarah and I can have a nice hotel fuck. Nice. Love a hotel fuck. Get some room service. They pay for the room service. It's just nice. Whoa. Go down there and I'm like a big thing because it's the convention center,

so it's a huge thing, it brings all this money. They have security meet me. I was like Tyson with like the fucking towel with the whole thing. I have like literally five guys walking around me, the security people. You're Taylor Swift. They got this thing going and the earpiece.

Oh yeah. It was crazy. Do you brush your teeth before the gig? I feel like I would brush just out of nerves with the dentites. Oh yeah, I'm always brushing. I brush and floss like a motherfucker. They may be crooked and yellow, but I'm really scrubbing

these puppies. Oh yeah, they're, what's the word, sanitized. Very sanitized. Sanitized. Terium. I don't know. Anyways, we go upstairs. We go to the gig. And it's a huge convention. I Don't know We go upstairs we go to the gig and it's a huge

Convention I mean massive this thing seats a thousand people Wow and Mike and Jimmy Whitman's parents were there their dentist How about that? Whitman brothers so we go back there. There's a photographer bulger and I are talking hoop We're having some laughs, but it gets nerve-wracking. it's a huge stage and a huge room and you gotta be clean, Jerry. Clean as a tooth. Exactly, and you do the thing, the classic thing, you go through your jokes and you're like, this one's clean, oh wait, no, I killed myself at the end of it.

This one's clean, oh no, wait, I licked my mother's asshole at the end of this joke. Right, right. And it just, I hate doing gigs where you're tight. The whole art form is loosey-goosey. of this joke. And it just, I hate doing gigs where you're tight. The whole art form is loosey-goosey. I'm a very loose worker. I like to go, oh, let me say this.

And I do a lot of on stage. I'll be like, this thing happened today. This isn't really funny, but whatever. What did you guys see that thing? That was crazy. I like to be loose. We can't be putting a box. We're not mimes.

No box. Love a box. Love a box. Smelly box. So I'm nervous for the gig, it ends up being okay, and Bulgid just kills by the way. Yay, the bulge, battle the bulge. And he wrote a couple, he's a better employee than me. He like wrote a couple of stuff for the dentists.

Right. I'm just trying to remember old dentist jokes. I'm sleepy, I'm gay. Ah, They didn't have any laughing gas, huh? I should have used that. This is just a drill. I'm gonna use those the next gig I get. I wasn't too smart. I had no wisdom. Teeth. Alright. Go floss yourself. Daniel floss. So I go up and do the gig. It's going okay. It's going okay. You know, it's like this big high stage.

And I got a whole chunk about how my wife gave birth and it's not that big of a deal and fuck women. And immediately I'm like four minutes in, this lady goes boo. Not funny. Oh no. Not funny. And it does because I'm already, like, at a club, you'd be like, shut up, you gun.

Why do you joke in my car? You piece of shit. But I'm already tight and trying to be clean. And all of a sudden, it's like, boo, not funny. And it's four minutes in. So I'm like, I got a flop sweat. And I'm like, well, you know, that's a, whoo. And also, it's all, what's the people that clean the

teeth? The, uh, hygienists. So the whole thing, it's like 80% women out there. And I'm just make the mistake of opening with like women are bullshit. Get out of here with the women and, um, get out of here with the women. so she's like, not funny. And I try to do a thing of like, what? And it's a corporate event. You can't be like, how about this twat? And everyone's like, fuck her. They're like on her side.

So I had to just be like, all right, well, I'll just change gears, I guess. And I felt like such a pussy entertainer. Well, you got to play ball. You're under the confines of the corporation. Exactly. And I always think about Leno on WTF, he's talking about Letterman which he made a great point because Letterman always tried to be this edgy you know fuck you he's like

once you're taking the corporate money you're a corporate guy yeah you can't pretend to not be you got that but you fired Hicks yeah you work for CBS or general electric whatever yes. Which is fine. Smith. You know, you can't be like, well, fuck these fucking guys. But anyways, so I had to do square up and be like, well, sorry, and it ended up being fine, getting some laughs, having a good time.

There was one Tuesday in front of me. He literally like snuck in. He's not a dentist. Hey, okay. He had like dirty pants and a dirty mustache. He was like, fucking gay. Yes. I have no idea how he got there, seriously.

But he was awesome. Oh, and then he was with a guy. He was like, he knows Uncle Dale. And the guy next to him was like, just like, hey, we met before. And I'm like, what the hell's going on up here? That's great. So some real blue collar dirt under the nail gaze up front,

which is nice. So I could play to them. That's lunch. But lunch pail. So then I'm doing the gig. I got to do 50 minutes. And it's one of those clocks that's ticking up and I'm just seeing like my son's college tuition there. So I'm like, I got to get through this. Yes. Yes. Then I hear that I'm doing a big act out my big bit. It's really rolling. I finally got a bit that's killing about 40 minutes in and in it. I got an act out.

So I'm doing a thing over here and I just here you have a visitor and I kind of like you're trying to be in it And I'm like I look over there's a visitor. They're doing this over here and I'm like to you. Yeah, and I'm like And I look over and the stage is like 75 feet long. Yeah, there's just a woman a very attractive Woman with like a fro light skin black lady very beautiful. She's holding a phone. She's the saddest stage of the phone like this Oh And I go I didn't tell this story right? I've never heard. I'm on the edge of my dick. She's like does this and I'm like Hey, you getting lit. No not lit dark dark phone. She just doing this. And I go, hey, what's going on? She goes, lost phone.

What the hell? I go, what? I'm in the middle of an act here. She goes, someone lost their phone. Wow. And so then I was like, oh, someone lost their phone? And then she looks and goes, like she's handing me the phone. I'm like, oh, you want me to take the phone?

What? I mean, the headlights on and the parking lot. What are we doing here? I'm in the middle of a show. You crazy, hoax. That's what I said. I'm like, I'm doing a bit. I'm like, we have to find the owner of this now. Right now. And she goes, yeah. So now I got to take a trip to the other side of the stage.

Oh my God. And this isn't the comedy cellar. I'm not kidding. This is like you too could perform on this stage. Oh yeah. It's like a 65 foot walk over there. Wow. I get the phone and tell me what you think of this line. I went all right. There's a phone here. Did someone lose a phone. It's a looks like a Apple Verizon show ruin her show. That got a big like. They never heard anything like that. That's off the cuff, Fanny.

Woo-hoo-hoo. Yeah, you're back. Fuck your boo, bitch. I gave them all cavities, and I'm like, so I guess, I don't know, I work here, fuck the show. And then somebody goes, oh, that's mine. And they're like way back there, and they started, you know, it's very bright.

They start emerging. The most hottest woman I've ever seen in my life. Oh, it's like a it was like a punk episode. It was high hygienists they hire, you know You know get scale tight leather pants. Oh, I'm a sucker for the LP can lost prevention Lamont price. They got like she's got Boots tits bangers. I still feel like a little corporate. Tits are good. Yeah.

Cleavage with like a tattoo. She's got like a woody woodpecker, a woody Allen. I got a woody. Some kind of woody tattoo. Flowing hair. And now I'm a club comedian. So she walks up and I go, look at this fucking. I'm like, check out my oral. I'm like look at this fucking.

Check out my oral. I'm like my tongue rolls out and I'm like, look at this fucking piece of ass. I didn't expect to see a pretty woman. Thank you. Here's your phone. And I had to, cause if it was a club, you just sexually assault the day, you know? You just go, look at this.

I bet she can suck the peel off a banana tailpipe whatever But you had to it's corporate. So I literally had to be like I was not expecting I literally started a thing I was like boy. I didn't expect someone so Pretty yeah, there's your phone. Oh The restrictions Jerry take take care because it's an office event. You can't just be like HR is in the front row. Exactly and H-O-M-O, I just say goodnight. That's sorry about your phone. Thanks for giving me the phone.

Yeah. And then you try to go back to the bit and you're like, well this doesn't work now. And so I just ate a bag of cheese for the next 10 minutes. Oh no. I mean, first of all, who's this lady coming on with the phone? What is this, DI?

Get her out of here. We can't be having this. This is an interruption. She should be reprimanded. It's just insane. And I'm also like, why not at the end of the show? Because someone's going to come up and say, thanks for coming to the dep.

By the way, all these people were wonderful and nice. I wanted to get the gig next year and the year after. And please, for God's sakes. But you're like, it's this mindset of like, I'm gonna be a, this is about you. You don't even care about the person's phone. You want to be the person who got the phone back to the thing. And I'm like, you can stand at the door at the end and say it or give it to someone at the end.

And someone's gonna go look for their phone and you can go, oh, I got it. But anyways, It's a good analogy. It's a good microcosm of what the whole world is trying to do. Like, hey, I'm a hero. I'm saving everybody, but it's just about you. And you're ruining the show, but they can't even see that because they're so up their own ass with the hero bullshit. Now, all that being said, it was like late and at the conference and those gigs aren't ideal for comedy. And it did give me like a nice boost of like, that was insane.

You know how you really milk it, especially a gig like that. You're like, that was the craziest thing I ever saw. Right. Could anyone want to bring up a bike? Right. Does anybody miss it? And you just keep referencing it because in pro too. Thank you.

Another younger comic would have been like, uh, phone, okay. And there would have been thinking, hey, this will kill five minutes, but you used it, made it funny. That's the other thing to go. It's like when a heckler goes, I helped you. No, no, you didn't.

I spun it into gold and I made it something, but you fucked me. Yeah, you fucked me. And it would have been great. It would have been better without you. Exactly. But that was good and it was a great show. And then Bulger took off and I went upstairs and banged the old wife again, which was fun.

There you go. And then just real quick, the next day, I took my nephew down to the Providence College basketball game, which was such a hoot and a holler. It was a big game. They played Georgetown and their coach left in a sex scandal Oh, I went to Georgetown. So everybody you're from Rhode Island. So everybody was like Furious because he was like a Providence guy. It's he you go in there. Everyone was like fuck you. Yeah fucking motherfucker It was all cranked up and wild and fun. And my nephew's not a big college hoop guy He's an NBA guy. So he was like this is crazy. This is exciting and it was quite a thrill Great game lots of fun extremely expensive seats. Yeah, that'll do it

Well, I got I can I can I throw a related thing at you that was that happen to me and that we'll get out of here Yes, please so You had the heckle lady the boo, which is crazy to boo out of a boo out of the gate. You know, it's like a haunted house. But I got heckled when I opened for Seinfeld, and I had the same thing where I had to be clean. Yeah. And it was such a hard moment, because I was like, okay, I'm kind of not doing well.

I'm opening for my hero. I'm already on thin ice. I don't know where I'm at time-wise. Now I'm getting heckled. The guy's going Jerry Oh Jerry and you want to go you come guzzling piece of shit I'll come up there and fuck your wife in front of you, but you got to go All right, you nincompoop. Let's take it easy there. That's not very nice

Meanie, you know, and I totally was a masculine because I couldn't shut the guy down. I know it's tough and these clean hate the clear. I love clean comedy. And we're talking about this before I think like I don't see clean as superior. I don't I never I never do the boxes of like clean dirty. Yeah. When I'm ranked', I'm like, I love Regan and Nate and Louie and Pryor. I just don't, but these things where it's like you have to be squeaky, and I understand you build an audience that way,

and your audience expects to see something. And it's a corporate event. Well, corporate, certainly, yeah. But with Jerry or Nate or whatever, but it's hard, because it makes you think of Jerry, ironically, in comedies, he's like, why can't you do what you do and I do what I do. There you go. There you go. And I understand if you're opening but I feel like I'm always

quarreling with Jerry who I don't know but you're like let me say shit it'll be fine but I guess his audience wants the clean comedy. And he likes the personal challenge of being clean. Because it is hard. Yeah, but my thought is always, it's hard, but my thing is I always put genuine and true to yourself over difficult or whatever. Because ultimately it does feel like in many ways a financial choice. Yeah, there's that. In a way. There's that, but I think there's a purity to that, that putting those limitations on yourself

and seeing like, can I even do it with these limitations? I suppose so. I guess I just get frustrated when, not frustrated, but just like, I don't know what emotion, but you see like comedian and Jerry, so Jerry says fuck, cause that was mind blowing when we watched comedian. Yes, yes. He says fuck and shit.

And you're like, well, that's how you talk. Yeah, I know. I mean, everyone should do what they want. But I like a comedian that just talks the way they talk. I do too. And you're losing a lot of material. Like you can't go into a certain, I guess you could clean up an anal joke,

but you really can't even go into that territory. People do it. I mean, Johnnigan was really good at it. Johnnigan had a joke about fingering his butt during sex that was pretty clean. He talked about it on the porch. He's like, some people smoke on the porch. You can't smoke on the porch.

And then in the middle of it, he's like, I think some of you don't know what this joke is about. And so some people can kind of pull it off. Well, I did a clean show years ago in Harlem. This comic hit me up. A young black guy, he was like, can you do my gig at a church? Andrew young black guy.

Yeah. And I was like, sure. And I was so new to comedy, we were friends, and I went up there to Harlem, and it was a bunch of old black ladies with like big hats and stuff. And he didn't tell me, like, hey, squeaky. He was like, just, you know, don't say anything crazy. Just don't like hey squeaky he was like just you know

don't say anything crazy just don't go raunchy I was like no problem so I was up there and I was like so my gay roommate and he's off of the corner going and I was like gay roommate and he's like and I go my roommate he goes so I'm just like watching this guy like he's the sign language guy but he's going like cut the gay thing but I'm like this is 2011 2010 it was still a taboo. Wow. I mean that is particularly taboo. Oh Jesus we got to wrap up. All right. All right. Well this is one of my favorite episodes in a while. I gotta say I mean I'm gonna win a hundred bucks here and not a thousand

I'll tell you that. No, I'm not betting a thousand, but the S and L. No, we changed to a hundred. What? I thought there was a thousand. No, no, I said, no, I said a hundred. Oh, I didn't hear that. Play the tape back. Oh, I missed the hundo. No, no, no. I said, I'm not doing a thousand. What are you crazy? Well, I thought it was going high stakes. We got six years to make the money. Play the tape back. It's a hundred believe me I believe you. I just I missed it. He missed it. So believe that Hundred bucks true detective thousand bucks. You're not getting on SNL. It was a bit Not in a million years

I completely agree. That's what I should do is reverse psychology you fucking piece of shit you'll never make it uh-huh I don't know psychology needed I that's what I think believe that motherfucker that's fun to do yeah it really is I think that's why black people do it she not as much anymore that like 70s it was really like so brother. You can't act like your grandpa. You know, that's it's got a lot of I guess, I guess so. I act like I'm when I jerk off to my grandma. But anyways, folks, lots of stuff going on. Join our Patreon. We put out these Grove 34. We're going to do that again. That was fun. Oh yeah. It's hot stuff. Good video stuff. We're about to record another thing every single week. We do a whole patreon thing. It's really cranking up

Oh, yeah, go to punch up live for my dates. I didn't bring my fucking shit Raleigh, North Carolina is coming up I think I'm in Springfield, Missouri this weekend. I got St. Louis coming up I got Kansas City coming up Indianapolis, Los Angeles. That's the big one May 2nd Hell yeah Fucking farts Tampa everything. I'm all over the road all year round all year long Big dates coming so go do that and then I started a little Patreon-y thing on punch up five bucks a month. I'm doing a bunch of extra pods and stuff and mindful metal jacket is back. I got a huge guest. Oh really? Off the charts as big as it gets. Mind blow guest. Skillus? I wish. I tried.

Nothing doesn't live in my neighborhood anymore. It, but, uh, yeah, real, maybe I'll have him do my own jacket that way. You go hit the basement to one, one regular episode, one Patriot, but, uh, so go join that punch up live five bucks a month. Fun stuff. If you want, don't do it. Don't tell me I'm a piece of shit. If you don't want to, um, yeah, a bunch of dates, ton of dates, May 2nd, Los Angeles. Hell yeah, I'm all over the place. Salt Lake City, Austin doing the Paramount, Phoenix, Tucson, Boise, Idaho. We're coming to some fun, wacky, off the grid places.

MarkNormanComedy.com, go to Punch-Up. A lot of new stuff on the YouTube. Check out our Patreon. Get a mug. Buy a record. Apparently I have records coming to your house if you want one. So check that out. And yeah, we'll see you all in hell. Praise Allah. Chuck, don't forget Chuckie.

Chuckie. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. And if you're in the Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Connecticut, or New England area on February 25th, this coming Sunday, we were doing a live Fun Bearable show at the comedy connection East Providence Rhode Island myself Brad Roar Ray Harrington Doug Key It's gonna be a hell of a live show February 25th the comedy connection go to fun bearable pod comm grab those tickets come on out Fuck yeah, I mean all the Rhode Island gays What the fuck are you doing? Just go over there?

Down the street. It's at the state is this is 30 30 minute drives anywhere. That's right. So go Bing Bang All right, patreon. We love you. Thanks for having us. Sorry. We're behind All right $100 30 months you will be propositioned to host Saturday Night Live. I will say I will not.