Tuesdays with Stories! - #543 Skirt Cobain

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Joe heads to the Comedy Mothership in Austin with Sarah Tollemache and Kerryn Feehan for some nightmare travel time with the new baby! Mark gets FOMO about the homos at the Superbowl! Mark is in San Antonio, and the Texas boys mosey back to NY to dish! It’s Tuesdays!Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order athttps://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code TUESGAYS- Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Liquid IV order athttps://www.liquidiv.com with code TUESDAYS- This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self

Hey folks, we're here to give you a little message a little PSA we that's Mark and I will be at the Gramercy Theatre Right here in New York City. You got that right live episode What is this the tenth one we've done something like that big guess tons of zingers come on out? It's gonna be a hot Humdinger and it's gonna sell out. So get those tickets quick. Tuesday, March 5th. That's seven days, eight days from now. A week from today, whatever it is. March 5th, Gramercy Theater.

These are always a blast and come on out and we'll mic the audience this time. We got some fun guests. It's always one of the best nights of our year. Oh yeah, they let us. And if you hate the live ones, still watch it and then trash us in the comments nights of our year. Oh yeah, they don't, if they let us. And if you hate the live ones, still watch it and then trash us in the comments like you always do.

Yeah, come out to the show, get yourself a ticket, go do it right now, have fun. We got a hot episode coming right in your ass. Put it in my dick, thank you. That was a good fart noise. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here.

Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose where to stand. Whoa, we're back on the couch baby!

It's like friends. Yeah. Or snick. By the way, speaking of friends. I hate to jump right in it But please jump in my ass. How do you feel about Brian Holzman? Oh, he's funny. I mean My favorite comedian of all time, I just watched him nine nights in a row But he's talking about I mean, I don't want to give his material away But he does the thing that I love when and we do it on the show here

But when you just give it just, get something wrong on purpose, he goes, that show, I hate that show, we'll be there for, fuck you, he does the whole thing, but he just kept singing, we'll be there for you, which is just slightly off. Right, I'll be there. I'll be there, and he's done, that guy makes me fucking belly laugh, like scream, scream laugh.

He's an old school kind of character. Is that a real guy? Is that a hobo? Is that a mental patient? I can't figure out who he is. I feel like they don't have that anymore. Now it's Matt Reif up there with great arms or some cute guy.

He's a wackadoodle. He's really wacky and he's much different off stage. Of course, he's like, it's like he works there as a host. He's like, it's funny because I say work there as a host makes it sound like comedy. I mean like a hostess. Like he's like cleaning works there as a host. He's like, it's funny because I say work there as a host makes it sound like comedy. I mean like a hostess. Like he's like cleaning up trash behind me. He's like, you need water?

He's like, hand me a water? He's like, it's good to have you here. I mean, he's not scrubbing table. I mean like as a friend to another comic. I don't want to make it seem like he's mopping up the floors for stage time. I took it as a slave. No, no, I'm like in the back and he's like,

oh, it's good to have you. He's like, we got cigars. I know you like cigars. Someone left these and he's like opening the box. He's like, there's this lighter over there. He's like, they got liquid death. You want liquid death? Oh, great. And he couldn't be sweeter. I was showing him pictures of the baby and he's like, Oh, wow, that's a good baby. And then he's up on stage and he's like, come, coming out of a baby's nostril and, uh, and, and Chandler, I'm glad he drowned all this stuff.

Yeah, you just want to take him and put him in like the most offended room in America and go, deal with this. This guy says the darkest shit on the planet and he's 68 years old. And he's hilarious. And hilarious. Also, I watched him. I got so much Austin stuff because I was just there for a fucking month, but I was in the back of the room watching them Thursday night and he's murdering and I'm on the floor laughing I mean like a comedy jam audience member. I'm like slapping people as they walk by. I'm fingering fee head I'm high-fiving Let me smell that I kissed

All right, you don't have to get too close I'm you know, I'm giving Rogan a piggyback, whatever. I'm loving it. Then the next night I was like, we were back there, but watching from the green room where they have the feed. Oh, the feed, but the audience isn't Mike. I like that. Okay. Bite the hand that feed hands you. Now we're cooking. The audience isn't Mike. So in the green room, we're listening to just the sound of him and

we're all dying, laughing. And then he comes back and he's like raging. It's like Decaprio in a once upon a time in Hollywood. He's kicking the mirror and knocking stuff over. He's like, fuck these fucking motherfuckers. And I'm like, Oh, it sounded like you were killing. And he's like, fuck you, whatever. And then Eegit was like, Oh, he just said shit. He's like, they hated him in there. It was crazy. Oh, wow. But it's funny. He's a performer that you can't even tell because he's just doing the same thing no matter what the audience is doing. Right. Oh, that's tough. Cause usually when you say that, you're trying to be nice. Right. It seemed like it was going great, man. I don't know what you're talking about.

I mean, when that guy threw a tomato at you, I thought he liked it, but you meant it. You were like, no, no, it seemed like you were killing because we were dying in the green room. Yeah, and you have no idea that it's not going well, which I had wished I had run in there because I would have rather, you almost wanna watch him when it's not going well. Sure, sure, cause he says some wild shit.

He's so funny and original. That mother ship, I know everybody wants to, they go there, they go, oh, what's this really all about? Is it all hype? It really lives up to it. It is a hot room. And I was saying this all weekend.

I think people think of the mothership as this Rogan sphere or whatever the hell you call it. It's like Jordan Peterson doing coke off of Elon's asshole and Tony Hinchcliffe is saying potty words or whatever. Sure, sure. Stopping on an Asian flag. Yeah. Like some kind of whatever alpha conservative thing. But I watched the Thursday show at Little Boy. It's like an alt club over there. Oh, really? I mean, it's a bunch of really silly, wacky, hilarious people who are doing silly things with the curtain

and they're running around all, it looks like the comedy studio in Cambridge. So it's not some crazy, we'll beat you up if you don't fight UFC or whatever. Well, that's how everything tends to be. You know, it's like the internet gives it this brand. Whether it's real or not, and then you meet the person, you're like, you're nothing like this.

That's what the internet does. They put a mislabel on everything and then you actually go and see it for yourself. And you're like, hey, this is a great club. And it's a nice, and it's very, talk about an open-minded and inclusive. It's got everything in there. Cause other clubs wouldn't have a conservative alpha type,

but they will and they'll have the wacky hipster, come guzzler. It's a real community over there. And by the way, tell me about it. Every person I meet in a meeting, it's like I thought you were five, eight. I thought you were four, six. Yes, yes, exactly.

I'm seven, one for God's sakes. I'm all cock and legs. I've been a wheelchair. I just jumped out of it to get the pod going. But any farts. Good club, good times. And Austin, doesn't it feel exciting going in there? Like the club is shiny and new new and there's curtains and neon lights and glasses clinkin and cute waitresses

It feels like an LA thing remember when you went to LA back in the day you were so excited. Yes It has that feeling. It's very Special and exciting. I mean it don't set foot on the sidewalk. You'll get killed. But, but, uh, I just love it. And then I was there Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. So I feel like I fucking live in that place now. Wow. That's a long Austin. Yeah. Six nights in a row. And then cowboy boots and a tramp stamp. Oh, I cut my dick off and shoved it in my ass, which has nothing to do with Texas. I just wanted to do that always. But, um, no, it's fucking awesome.

And they're so kindie. And you get to know the cops and all the crazies and the fun people. And I don't know what else to say. But it's fucking awesome. I'm going to say a bunch more because I have all these stories. But it was awesome. I feel like Austin, too, as a Southern quiff myself.

And Boston, don't you feel like with the internet, with everybody being a transplant, or a trans man, or whatever it is, everything, every place has lost its reputation a little? Like, first time I went to Boston, it was like, hey, Paktakai, you know, that was my wife. But now you go to Boston, everybody just sounds normal. And I feel like you go to the South

and you used to be like, he, ha, ha, ha, where's my sister, I'm gonna fuck her mouth, and she has no teeth. And now it's just everybody's normal because we're all mixin' it in England. I think so, but I think on the skirts, you gotta go the outskirts. Oh, the skirts look good to you.

You're at the in skirts. You gotta go the outskirts. Up skirt. Outskirts is different. Oh, I love an up skirt. Oh, yeah. Everybody in skirts, it's all out skirts. What about the in? I don't know. All right. I guess that's just a skirt. Yeah. In the skirt, out the skirt, skirt, Cobain. Uh, but yeah,

I think the out skirts are still like that because that's the weird thing about Austin is, you know, it feels like keep Austin weird. By the way, I saw a Keep Austin Weird sign in the Delta Lounge bathroom. We were like, who's keeping it weird in the lounge? Don't keep the lounge weird. No, no, this is upscale. Yeah, I want salmon with jizz on it here. Yeah.

That's not weird, that's normal. Oh yeah. But yeah, there's still, you're walking around Austin and you see the people with the shit in their face. Same with jizz on it, that's what I call Karen. Okay, sorry. All that stuff, but then also you see the people with the shit in their face same with jizz on that's like I'll Karen okay sorry all that stuff but then also you get the guy with the truck with the four feet in between the top of the wheel yes the wheel top and the fucking and he's got fucking I love my truck yeah and you're like it's it's redcks and Homo's. I don't know, it's all whacked out.

That's a bad band. Rednecks and Homo's next on Channel 4. But yeah, yeah, I'm with you. I guess if you're a Redneck Homo, you pull yourself by your truck. All right. I only have to get it, but it sounds good. Well, they pulled a gay guy by a...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I see. A drag. What did I say? Pull. I should have said drag. oh, oh, I see a drag what did I say? Oh, I should have said drag truck pull. I'm thinking a tractor pull They're pulling the boat the jet ski I never hit start on this again That's like you if you're gay guy gay redneck you got a pull. Oh, damn it. You like pole. I like pole Pullman. Oh shit pull it surprise Pull my... Oh, pull my...

Oh, shit. Pull it, surprise. All right, if you like... Nice pull. Ha ha ha ha. Okay, don't push. Hey, if you're gay redneck, you gotta be dragged by your own truck.

All right, that's pretty good. Got it in. That's good. Not good enough to repeat. Good stuff. No, few things are. Repeat Davidson. But, I don't know, I'm all fucked up, by the way. I woke up at 4 a.m. This is I got so many

Austenie things I can just throw it. I'm going in a week, so I'm excited to hear. Are you doing the mothership? I'm doing the mother. I'm doing the paramount. I'm doing Lauren Compton's tits. I'm doing Danny Brown I'm doing Tom Segura. Maybe I'll bump into Shane's dick. Wow. Are you guys doing the thing the We're doing that in like a month. Oh, geez. So this is just a pop in for a day, do all these pods of the Paramount and pop out. Here's another Austin lie sort of,

because we were talking about it before we got on here. Everyone wants you to move to Austin. They go, it's no traffic, there's no traffic. It takes six minutes to get to the airport. They also do this thing. It's in the middle of the country. So you're close to everything. But you're like, well, no, it's at the bottom of the country. Oh, so I'm further from DC Baltimore

Cleveland Cincinnati Indianapolis New York, yeah, it's like I guess you're closer and then Seattle still a fucking hall Oh big hall, you know Minneapolis is a hall So it I think Minneapolis would be a shorter flight from New York, certainly a shorter flight back. So you're not actually a short flight to anything. Yeah. When you say middle, you think like, Oh, I'm half equidistant to LA, New York, but it's actually there's nuance. Yeah. It's not Nashville or, you know, Cincinnati, which are like close to all these places. You're still quite far from most

markets, that's the thing about New York as a comedian Cleveland Detroit Raleigh Philly Baltimore, these are all like 90 minute two-hour travel a flight Detroit's an hour 40 something like that Yeah, maybe less probably less. So I'm with you like I'm flying to Boise something like that. Yeah. Maybe less, probably less. So I'm with you. Like I'm flying to Boise. I had to leave through the leave a day early. That's why this got all fucked up, but I got to go to Dallas and then Boise Dallas is four and a half. It's brutal. It's crazy. I'm going to go to Phoenix and kick back and fucking AZ chick. Texas is far. And anyways,

what the fuck we're talking about. We're all over the road with flights. Austin, I went to, so I was, Oh, it was up there, but you might have to kick the sound up. Anyone listening on audio is going to think the whole thing. Like you have 40,000 people in trucks right now are going, what the fuck is happening? They're slapping the side of it. Well, I love my truck.

You ever have this? I have a pain in here the side of it? I love my truck. All right. You ever have this? I have a pain in here. What is that? I've had that. How did I hurt that? Ah, it's stress. I hurt this part of my thumb. Yeah, I've had that.

I don't get it. I did carry all the luggage and all the stuff. There you go. By the way, traveling with a baby. Great big nightmare. I don't know if anyone's ever talked about this before. Can't imagine. It's like we had a pack and pull a pull a truck a fucking

two two suitcases. I have both shoes in the same foot. I kind of had on backwards. Everything's a thing like car to the hotel is a trick. You know, hotel to the room, front desk to the room is a trick. It's all extra shit. I mean, and the crying and the shitting and my father's gay. I'll never flying again. How was the flight part? A nightmare. Really? Yeah. First class. Well, I got stories. I don't know how to start. Anyway, the point is I woke up at four AM. We weren't supposed to record today. Thanks for coming to my house. We got Lex on the ones and twos because you fuck Chuck over hard. He's pissed. He texted me privately. Really? Mark hates me. What's going on here? Oh, it was a snafu. It's Boise. Situation normal all fucked up. Girlsy. But so I'm going to be a little wacky. Just four warned. I'm on 80 minutes sleep and just

flew across the fucking country with a baby crying. I lay at the vent. I'm an open or I'm a sounding crying. I'm a slave. Vent, I'm an open, or I'm a sounding board. I'm a pin cushion. You are a sounding board. Let me crank it up. So I'm going to Austin, I'm doing mother ship. You booked the mother ship and I booked February 8th through 10. You know, your agent sends you a little deal memo

for those at home, don't know. It says offer, Austin. Oh. February 8th through 10, it says like, here's the breakdown, here's the money, here's who you can open, here's the hotel. It's very exciting to get those emails. Adam Egan.

I still get an email and I go, whoa, offer. And then I go, hey. Good money? Ridiculous money. Wow. I mean, Mulrogan is a good man. They're generous. Outrageously generous.

And they, this is my one beef with that club I told I told a couple people that worked there. They should do a fan Pre-sale code because that club sells out so fast because of the club I think sometimes the fans get shut out. This is good because people go. I want to go to my boy Joe Liston town sold out so Cause people go, I want to go to my boy Joe lists in town. Sold out. So whatever. So I think a lot of fans were like, Hey, we wanted to see you, but it's sold out. But that's the way it goes by tickets early. Fuck face.

Yeah. So anyways, the offer says February eight through 10 and I go, great. So you know me. I'm a visual. I go, I just keep things right in the old head. Eight through 10. I write it down eight through ten Thursday Friday Saturday beautiful now about six to eight days later my agent texts and goes hey

Actually, we fucked up no Thursday show. It's Ron Whiten friends. You want to do Sunday? I said well, I don't really do Sunday shows or rather go home and it's Super Bowl Sunday also So let's just do Friday, Saturday. Putchi mama. He says no problem, but for some reason, I got baby brain, my wires are crossed. I never corrected the Thursday. Oh, that happens. So I think I got a Thursday show.

So then. It's locked in, it's cement is dry. Absolutely, so months ago, Thanksgiving, I'm driving up to home with Sarah and the baby and Fian. Sure. And she goes, yeah, I love mother ships. Someday I gotta get back there. I loved, I had such a good time. I said, well, Hey, I'm there in February. Why don't you come down with me? We'll all get a house. We'll hang out with the baby, the big four. Hell yeah. And we'll have the time of our lives. Isn't it fun when you make things happen? You dream it and you do it. The best feeling. So I got Feehan coming down. She's a blast. Sarah and I fly down Wednesday because she's

got family. So I'm like, we'll go down Wednesday. And anytime you're doing gigs and someone's in town that you know, you got to go day early because you don't want to hang out the day of the show. Yes. Yes. Don't you feel? Yes. You got to get your head right. Exactly. So we go down Wednesday. We see her family. We rent a nice beautiful Airbnb in the Barton Springs area.

You take the hotel dough, put it into a BB. Exactly because I don't want to stay on 6th Street and we have the baby because the baby cries. You know what the hotel people hating you. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm asshole. Yeah, no abortion in Texas. So we rent out the house and they give you a buyout for that hotel. It's a nice hotel. Sure. I recommend it. Is it the Thompson? Yes. Yeah, very sexy. Put that info out there so they know everyone knows where everyone's staying each night. But yeah, it's in East Austin, Hond. Thompson hotel. But anyway, so I get the air BNB. It's a beauty big hill overlooking the thing. And then Thursday, Feehands like I'm on the plane. I'll be down there in two hours. I say, Hey, I can't wait. I'm smoking a cigar in the baby's face. And I go, what time's the show tonight? So I go to the website.

Oh, it says baby batter. It says Ron Whiting friends. And I'm like, huh, I scan down next show, Brian Holtsman and friends. And I say, I'm not friends with either one of those guys. I go, what the fuck? So I call my agent in a huff and I'm on 90 minutes sleep, the baby shitting in my mouth and I go, Hey, they fucked us. Yeah. No Thursday show. And my agent's like, well, I have never because I'm gonna get that eagorn the phone That's a bit he didn't remember either not it right away Okay, and by the way, it's like 7 a.m. Cuz I'm on East Coast time and the baby pissed in my head So there's all operations off the rails. So I email my manager an agent like well, we'll give him a what's for yeah

Fucking canceling on you. They can't do that to you read them the riot act So then I get this the dreaded screenshot The screen shots like hey no Thursday show and I'm like no problem. It's just in my own words I'm like absolutely don't worry about it. No biggie the worst is when you do that with a wife or a girlfriend You're like you can't die now. I'll see you there. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's, it's rough. So anyways, so there's no Thursday show, but now I've, I'm relieved. Great. I don't have a Thursday show, but now I got Fian on a plane coming down to open for me. Well, she's got family there. Oh, that's Sarah. Yeah. I was going to say Fian has no family. She's an orphan. No. And I confused them myself. So

she gets down, but she's like, I already got spots for me get at the club So we hit a big I go, hey, I'm an asshole. I came down a day early. Can I get a spot? We both get spots. So we go over together I sat in the back of the room. I watched a full two-hour show Who are you cinnamon? I was like a boy. It was great. I took notes. I stole some jokes and some premises and But it was quite a show. And then I hung out and did a holtsman show. And then I got this one where he's like, we rearranged the order. We're going to have you go last. I'm like, I got to go to bed in the next 10

minutes. I got a child and now you're getting out here in addition. Who's asking for favors? But they said, no, no favor. They said, we have a 10, 15. I said, I'll take a 10, 15, but that's a no muss. No fuss. And then they were like, we switched into 11, 15. And I was like, no, that's not, that's no good. And then they were like, no problem. Don't worry. But you know, that thing, sometimes we were like, Whoa, I'm not all fucking fight everyone in here. And then they're like, they're like this. Oh yeah. No problem. Right. Right. So anyways, I don't want to hog too much. I can already hear people saying, yeah, no problem. Right. Right. So anyways, I don't want to hog too much. I hear people saying, Hey, you talk too much. Your piece of shit. So yeah, that was, that was Thursday.

Then we did the weekend. What a weekend. Unbelievable. Every show sold out sold merge sold out of merchant three shows. Wow. I didn't even have, I had nothing left. You could sell merch there. Oh yeah. I didn't know that was an option. Absolutely. And they give you a lady that sells the merch for you. Tipped her out. She couldn't have been nicer and they just really take care of you. And the first show Friday, I gotta say, maybe the best show I've ever done in my whole life. Wow. Come on. I mean, it was unbelievable. CJ Landry, he's funny. He's so fucking funny. Feehan killed and then Saturday, Sarah came to guest spots. We got a baby sitter and so it was a hell of a green room. Landry Feehan, Talimash, me, Hinchcliffe came. He was doing spots

and I think he hates me, but that was just a great, great fucking weekend. And then I did, I don't know when this comes out. Another podcast, which was exciting and fun. And then Superbowl Sunday was great. Watch Superbowl Sunday at the Airbnb. This is brutal. Alone with a lady. No, no. I had her family came over and Paul Odo came over her manager's over but I was the only one that cared about sport and this is a kill me you're in the air B&B and you I never I don't trust I have cable I don't stream sports okay I don't like you get the pinwheel you're behind 40 seconds yeah they get that grainy, pixely bullshit.

It's awful. And no one else in the house cares about sports, which is the worst way to watch sports. Now you're banging the TV, some ladies trying to talk to you about Putin, they're going, hey, hey, hey, I got the chiefs here, you cuck. Exactly.

And by the way, did you see my prediction? It was pretty dead on. Yes, that was pretty damn good. Pretty unbelievable. Soda was very upset. He's like, you're rooting for the chiefs. I knew it. Your piece of shit. Wow, let's see, you're going with the facts here. It's not opinion. That's what I said

I saw I'm not rooting for anybody. I just I just know my shit. Yeah, I'm not rooting for Israel But I think they got a shot. Thank you. They got a good shot heavy favorites a lot of bombs are throwing in that one but Any farts the fucking classic as expected fourth quarter tie game, four minutes left over time. It just buzzes out times out. So I got to go to the phone. Now I'm streaming it on my phone and I'm like holding it cockeyed like so everyone else can see, but nobody gives a shit. So I just watched the end of my phone and then I still had the TV on, which is now like a 40 second delay. And then these people are reacting to this. And I realized, so I'm like, I think it's going to be a touchdown pass right here. They're just blown away.

I feel like Biff with the almanac. Exactly. So that was fun. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm on no sleep. You got to start talking. We're never going to listen to get let me just say that I'm not a huge sports guy either, but that game was gripping. I thought the first half was kind of boring Hey, San Francisco is cooking. They're gonna dominate this game. It was it was like 16 to 0 or something And I got Tim Dillon there. I got Lewis Gomez. I got Adrian. I have Bellucci. I'm at Sal Volcano's place Oh, I went there one year. I took the beamer out there. I picked up Becky own we drove out together We're on the Verrazano cruising in the 50, 1973 beamer, 50 year old car.

And we're chatting it up. We pull up to Sal Sal's beautiful Staten Island apartment. You've been there. I was there for a Chiefs Nine or Super Bowl, ironically. Last year. Four years ago. Four years ago. Wow, really?

I think so. That's crazy. Yeah, 19. He's got the whole Wapdego Guinea spread with the sandwiches and the dips and the pizzas and the cheesecake and the olives and the fruit and the the meats. Black olives matter. Yes, slice it paper thin so it dissolves in the garlic. Dissolves, yeah. Yes. Don't put too many onions in there. Yeah. Three onions. You get the lobster. So just a great time.

And DeRosa's there. DeRosa, I walk in. He goes, you want a shot? I go, gee, how about a hello? He's an alcoholic. Absolutely. And the game's a little slow. And we're kind of chatting it up.

What's the topic of the day? And then that overtime, baby, I mean, everybody are up on their feet, pregnant women screaming, black people. It was wild. A lot of jokes were had and got too drunk, drove the beamer back, got caught in traffic. But fun game. What a game. What a time to be alive. And you know, Sarah's, we had dinner with her mother and brother and her mother like hates football. They all hate football. They think it's stupid, but they like soccer. I can't understand these people that hate football and like soccer. I love soccer. But they're like, ah, nothing ever happened. I'm like, soccer ends in zero, zero tie. What are we talking about?

Well, you like the World Cup. I do. I love soccer. Yeah. I love all sports. I don't really understand the people that are like, I love fucking basketball. And I hate hockey.

I'm like, it's essentially the same. It's men competing, or women, or balls, whatever. The thing. Leah Thomas. But yeah, it's a ball going in a hoop with puck and net goal, a ball, a line. It's sport. Give me men, preferably, or the fucking stupid women that can't dunk. Give me people.

And Mexicans. You know, competing with rules. Yes, yes. I'm in. Yeah, well, what about bowling? I'm not, that's not the top of my list, but I'm not like I hate bowling. Right.

Fuck bowling. I mean, I like to bowl and I mean, fucking, who do you think you are? I am is the greatest sentence ever spoken in the history of sports. Who said that? You don't know that one? No, hit me with it, Fad.

What's the guy's name? I forget the guy's name. He's like this great bowler. Ernie the Kraken. I'm sure you've seen it. Okay. That's the only bowler I can name also, but that and the dude, he pulled a months and Walter and Donnie, but Oh, you never seen it. He's like this crazy jacked up. I forget his fucking name. I've watched it 300 times, but he bowls and he's got the big thing. He's

going for his 12th win in a row and he bowls a strike and he goes, who do you think you are? I am. That doesn't even make sense. That's such a great line. Who do you think you are? I am. That sounds like a kid. Pete Weber. Yes.

I knew it was a web. Pete Weber. The gay of the week. Pete the killer. Pete Weber. I love it. Well, I made a ton of money on that halftime show because I don't know sports well enough

to put some real simoleons on it. You got to text me up. Oh yeah. Many people made money from that tweet by the way. Really? Yeah, yeah. Oh they should cut back or kick back a few. I don't think they're gonna. Alright well I was like I bet Usher takes his shirt off. Everybody was like nah I don't think so and he came out he was wearing like a clan hood. He was like oh he's he's not taking anything off. He's all covered up. That shirt came off in four seconds, made a ton of cash there, and I had some other bet too.

But oh, I bet that they wouldn't do five minutes of Taylor Swift shots. All encompassing, it wouldn't be five minutes even. I don't get the Taylor Swift upset. I don't get it. They cut to her. It reminds me of Big Lebowski. We're like, he's not taking your turn without renting his shoes.

Yeah. It's like they don't cut away from the play and show her. I know. Exactly. The ball's out of midair and they show her like, exactly. She's a chick. She's happy. She's jumping up and down. She's smiling. Who cares? Yeah. I treated this to the much chagrin Rob Gronkowski way more annoying. He's everywhere He's selling credit cards and horses and whatever bullshit Pepsi beer everywhere. I looked this fucking asshole I know what's going on with that me and Tim Dylan. We're talking about every commercial. It's like Jimmy Fallon Tom Brady, you know, uh, but what's that fucking guy's name? Bradley Cooper Tom Hardy Hardy, Tom Hardy selling granola, Bradley Cooper's selling Dr. Scholes.

I didn't see any of those guys. Well, those used to go to like a working actor who like, oh, you, I got Captain Morgan, I could feed my family. Yeah, I think that integrity I think is out. Because people before used to not do commercials commercials Anthony Hopkins was in like eight commercials I'm like you're a sir. You're knighted and now you're working for you knighted, but here's the thing I will say this Because I used to be you know

I had the the Bill Hicksey in fucking fuck you yeah, and I still try to have some some integrity But you get later in life You understand like shit's expensive you got a big and then they go hey Anthony We'll give you two and a half million dollars to show up at this studio for 11 minutes Sure, and he goes you know what maybe I'll make all my cousins and nieces and nephews fucking generational wealth So I get he's 89 years old and I always feel this way about it when I get an acting gig, which is not that often. It's fun to be on set. Maybe he's just an old asshole who's like, I'll go down there. That'll be fun. He's like, hi, Bob.

Hey, Stu, buy this barbecue sauce. Fuck me in the ass. And Mr. Anthony Hopkins right here is your trailer right here. You're just way, sir. Who do you think you are? I am, you know? And then Anthony Hopkins is all over the place. But don't sit there and go, hey, it's all about the little guy. We've got to help the folks downtown. Hey, who?

I want to thank the little people. Let me take that job away from the fat guy who was going to get the Dunkin' Donuts thing. But go ahead and just give it to Matthew Perry. But here's the thing also those companies are like Tom Dick and Harry ain't selling the sauce. Yeah, that's true. We've gotta get fucking Matt Damon over here and if Matt Damon said no, they'd go to John Krasinski and if John Krasinski said no, they'd go to fucking Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift said no, they'd go to fucking Clooney. Clooney or Jane Gillis or whoever. Oh yeah. Where was his commercial by the way? I was waiting for the big fat Bud Light retard commercial and nothing all night. I was saying I kept telling

friends that I didn't see Shane on the broadcast at one point. Yeah. He was like in the corner there. I think Soder was in there as well. Really? Shane brought him. No, he was there with Che. He had a ticket with Che. He was sitting with Che. Oh, I heard Sodor. But they shared a room. Ah, that was it. Okay. Because Sodor sent me a photo of him and Jay, and I was like, you met Ray Charles? Because Jay has the glasses on. I was pretty happy with it.

Those photos, it was like, the Bert or Tom Segura. It was like Shane, Bobby Lee, Jimmy Kimmel, Bert Greiser, Tom Segura, Michael Jay, Dan Sodor, Guy Fieri. I'm like, this looks like the funnest party ever. I wish I was there. You were there the year before, though. I'm like, this looks like the funnest party ever. I wish I was there. I had it. You were there before that. I know, but it was not as fun.

But we had a big, oh, fuck. I lost my train of thought. There it goes. Well, I texted Shade. I forget that everyone's huge now. I texted Shade. I'm like, I'm gonna be an awesome Super Bowl. What are we, what are we doing?

He's like, I'm going. I'm sitting on the 50 yard line and I'm kicking a field goal and. Fucking Taylor. Yeah, exactly. I was like, oh'm going, I'm sitting on the 50 yard line and I'm kicking a field goal and- Fucking Taylor. Yeah, exactly. I was like, oh, shit, sorry. But what was I gonna say about the Super Bowl? Oh, I had a big riff at Mother Ship the first night.

You ever have a rip that goes so good that you're like, I'm gonna do this every show? Yeah. But then that place is crawling with comics. So you're like, I feel disingenuous doing the same rip every show so that I bailed in the biggest laugh I got all week. You bail for them? Yeah. No, you got to do it. Well, I want the comics to like me, but can I hear the riff? The riff? Yeah, of course. I said, boy, you know, I came out and everyone was excited. Woo. And I went,

you know, this is exciting. Mothership every post. You don't know who's going to come. Well, you do tonight. It's me. Everyone else is at the Super Bowl and it got a big laugh get to be there I'll post the clip, but I was like Segura at Super Bowl shame and that Super Bowl It really killed Bert Super Bowl and I was like Rogan. He's at the Super Bowl. I don't think he was but I don't think he cares about these easy zipping into a super bowl of freezing cold water I don't think he likes team sports. No, I'm the same way. I like tennis. I like UFC. I like boxing I like those two

Said the worst discovery AirPods not in the case Deader than my fucking sister's asshole. You know what? My air pod is getting a little, it's on the fritz. It's being a real coups in my left ear and it's going like wow, wow, wow. So I go, you know what? I don't make big purchases.

I'm going down there. Went to the Apple store. I walked in. What store did you go to? The Raycon store. Raycon! That's the old Raycon store. You know, the Raycon store. Raycon! The old Raycon store. You know, the Raycon store in Soho.

Big store where they greet you with an I- a Raycon pad. And, uh, they go, how can we help you today, Raycon employee customer patron? And I go, oh hey, my Raycon pod is out. And they go, okay, just sit over here.

I sat there for like three minutes and I go, what am I doing? I can't spend 250 bucks and I left nice Then you go to the real Raycon store then a week later. I was with fighting with myself I got the wall wall wall. I'm on a flage is wall wall wall. It's like I'm on whippets and I go fuck I'm going down there. I can afford a fucking 250 Raycon pod thing and I go in there and I go Give me the pod right premium. Yes, and the guy goes here you go 250 bucks I go, that's it. I hope you choke on it. You come guzzlin Nazi. I get out of there

I plug it in the new charger The charger now they don't fit any of the other chargers in my house, I hate Raycon. But this is the thing about succeeding, and I think you should be unapologetic about it. Get a couple. A couple. Buy two. That would be 500 clams plus tax. 500 clams is 500 clams to you.

You got the money? That's all. I was just with Fian in, in Austin's like a Margot Robbie. Oh, she's wild. But we went to Allen's boots, you know, legendary. You go to Austin, you know, Allen's, yeah, yeah, the therapist. We go down there and it's funny because you're combining friends. So Fian makes $7 billion a year on only feet. And then I'm hanging out with my buddy Chris Walsh. He was a very blue collar guy and it's awkward cause Fian's looking at these boots and I'm like, how much are they? And she was like 400 bucks. I'm like, just get them. Who cares?

But then he's like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, well, I'm scaling to the person I'm talking to. I mean, if Chris Walsh picks up a pair of $400 shoes, I'm going to shoot them and punt the shoes into the street. Yeah you know an application my mother has never worn shoes that cost more than 30 bucks say my mom wears Crocs I'm not even kidding. She wears orange Crocs. I think that's gonna be quite expensive. No really? There's some there's a pair. That's like 400 bucks. It looks like Crocs. It's like a sneaker that's it seems It looks like a crock. Well, that ain't no good of a crock of shit. That's not a real crock What's the look thing it looks right in looks like crock expensive something? It's gonna be an alligator. Maybe it's Zigzag but anyways, you know

Having some that sense of fiends income right up like their 400 bucks wear them tonight and throw them in the fucking Yes, those things. Oh, that's like a, that's a Kanye thing. Yeezy. Yeezy. Yeah, my wife ain't wearing Yeezy. Yeezy does it. Although she hates Jews. But, but yeah, I think you can buy a, when you, when you make everything becomes scale.

Of course, of course. So, you know, airpods, buy yourself some airpods. Yeah. All right. Enjoy our Raycons, which are better and the best premium boy I hope they're not sponsoring us this week. I know good good product That's gonna be a pickle for Fanny. Sorry fan. We love you. But anyways, I hate these people that do the commercials It's really obnoxious

I'm not saying don't do it. It's just funny that it when I was a kid every commercial was like that's a funny looking guy That's a fat lady. Where's the beef? Yes, and now it's Anthony Hopkins. I mean who's next? I mean Anthony Hopkins is like the top tier Broadway British, you know Oscar winner top level actor and he's at a fucking Draftkings ad yeah, it's and what's at a fucking DraftKings ad. Yeah, it's like that thing, once the aura is off, that's just the thing now. Totally, totally.

It's like OnlyFans. If you heard in high school some girl was showing her clam for 15 bucks, you'd go, where do I sign, but what the hell is she thinking? Right. Now it's like, oh, you're an OnlyFans model? Come on into the red carpet, whore. Well, that's like not to talk about, we were here last time, I talked about Trump, which the most ironically triggered

people of all time, by the way. Yes, snowflake reversed. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Nobody is more triggered than a Trump person. I just made two slight comments and people just went crazy. What do you mean? Oh, online?

On here, with you. Oh, oh. I just talked about how he's not the antidote to political correctness. Right. And that T signed off on the vaccine and people were like, fuck you, you fucking moron. They don't bring up the two points I made. They just think I'm a piece of shit. Well, they're good, but one is just a fact.

Of course. The vaccine thing is just true. And then the other way is an opinion, but I think you're right. And you're kind of proving the point Well, the other one's a fact too that political correctness did not get better while he was president. No, it was the worst It's ever been yes, it's got they got worse. Yeah, they got better after but anyways But people were all upset with me you fucking piece of shit And I'm like I'm just saying thing anyways. Anyways, the irony though, they're so triggered.

They run to the keyboard, you motherfucker, all of you are just sold. You just lost a customer. I'm like, you're a Karen. How can you not see that? How can you not see that? It's right there. Anyways, but similarly with him is that before,

and I think we've talked about it, Mike Dukakis got canceled, fucking no vote for him because he had a big helmet on, he looked silly. And they were like, he's never going to win an election because he had a helmet on. And then Howard Dean was like, yeah. And they're like, he's out. What a piece of shit. But now with Trump being like my dick, your dick, fuck you. They can find a retard. That opens the door. Now any Tom, Dick and Harry run for president can be like, shut up, you fucking homo. Don't you see?

I think it's the copycat method. You get one school shooter, now we got a school shooter every 10 minutes. Same with Cat Williams. Cat Williams goes on a pod, starts talking all kinds of shit. Monique went on the next day, she did the same thing,

because she's like, it worked for him. It just becomes acceptable. It becomes a thing. So it's acceptable for big celebrities to do commercials, and I think it'll be acceptable for celebrity. I mean, uh, it's funny. That's ironic confusion celebrity slash Political PS better will rock started saying fuck He was like, oh fuck you up because it makes him look tough for something that guy's never won an election ever I don't think I think he's a longboard. Oh, yeah

Putting not a good look for a politician. We're gonna get that bill passed I think I saw a chaining on a razor scooter Hey Folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you of course You know what I'm gonna say you know what I'm gonna say before I even say it sheath motherfucking underwear Robert Patton created this I don't even need to read this motherfucker I love sheath I know sheath this man is so loyal yes you've been here so long you're so loyal we love Robert Patton we see him every year at Skankfest he's the best

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H-E-L-P.com slash Tuesdays. Do it right now. And we're going back to the show. Yee-haw. There you go. Atty first. So where have you been? I mean, I don't even know where you've been.

Well, ironically, I don't know if it's ironic. Coincidentally. Hey! I confuse those. Good job. I do a lot of confusing of those too. Coincidentally, I was in Tejas as well, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Where, what town? Flew right into San Antone, got upgraded to first class. Hey. It was a good feeling, because the Texas flights are deceivingly long. Absolutely. Yes, and you had a fucking screaming fetus. Absolutely.

Good band. And the baby. Yeah. Screaming fetus is a good band name. Yeah. Hey. Two, three, four. Two, three, four.

Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four.

Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four.

Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. I eat the rice you don't eat the rice I do a lot of rapin and then what I do this is the saddest part I Get a big bowl of ice cream and now I'm eating ice cream While wheeling my bag all the way to the gate then I get on there you fly for a second you get a meal Absolutely you do so then I eat the meal on the flight and the pilot falls asleep and So then I land in San Antonio, I go to the Tobin Center. Now I just gotta give this a shout out.

San Antonio underrated great comedy town. It's in there with Tampa, Salt Lake City, Phoenix. I think Tampa, San Antonio doesn't get visited that often. It's very skeptical for a lot of Canadians, I think. Yes, yes. And that club there, the great staff, great people, but the club is about, whew, whew, whew.

I mean, that ceiling is just on Jupiter. Ah, the ceiling. Yes, yes, crazy ceiling. The glass ceiling and- Still intact. Yeah. Come on, ladies. You gotta break to break it so I get to the Tobin Center and this might be one of the best venue looking wise I've ever seen

what is this is a theater it's a theater yeah it's a theater and I got young blood opening now young blood is crafty he has a club there, he does the road, he opens for TJ Miller, Rory Scoville, myself, some other people. So he's a thinker, he's a business owner, he's got two kids, he's divorced, he's overweight, and he goes- But getting better, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's thinner now. So he goes, how about this? You're flying into San Antonio, you're getting me a hotel, you're getting a hotel, then we're sleeping at the hotel, waking up, then driving to Houston for a gig. Then we're gonna get to hotel, or then you'll get a hotel, he lives in Houston. So he goes, why don't we just nix the hotel, go straight to the theater, shower at the theater, do the show, we'll drive to Houston throughout the night, we'll get to Houston at midnight, 12.30.

I hate the idea, but I like to Houston at midnight, 12.30. I hate the idea, but I like where he's thinking. I like where his head's at. Not into too late for you? Well, I just think... You got the money! Spend the money! Get the hotel!

But you get to wake up. Convenience! You wake up in Houston. You got breakfast in the morning. You got the whole day. I know, but you're still showering at a fucking theater now. Well, I guess you could shower at a theater that's not so bad. I want to jerk off, I want to put some remote in my ass.

That I do, I do like a little decompression in the hotel before the gig, but... I like a little ground me. I like a ground, like a coffee bean. Ground me. So... Found me. Found me. So, I like what you're thinking, Being ground me so I've found me so I Like what you're I like what you're thinking but I showered at home then flew out

So I landed I was fresh shower ready to go and I had it in my head you're going right to the theater So get that in your head As you would say so Get to the right. Yeah, I took another thing from Kraemer You took most of this from Kraemer frankly Yeah So I got the jibby legs So get to San Antonio

Great crowd, great show This guy goes hey you want photos And I go I got enough photos to be doing stand-up Because I'll do it for free I said get your fat ass over here He took the photos Photos were killer I never post me in a theory Yeah, every every fucking comic we know you run through the clips. It's just like oh

You got to do it. I gotta let people know why Because people need to know your success success breathe success. This is the biggest problem in my life I see people they're like how'd you sell this out your piece of shit? I'm like I sell tickets. I make money. You got to tell people I'm doing well, because that's like the old thing that Louie said. The best thing you can have for your business is to say you can't come in.

We're sold out. People see you at a theater with 9,000 people. They go, how the fuck? I got to get to this. That's how you get from theaters to arenas. I never thought about that. That's how they do it in the big leagues. Oh, well.

So now, you know, I'm taking photos with every fucking Tom Dick and asshole walking by, going bumping to some fans. Meanwhile, they give me the finger and whatever. Interesting. Okay. Well, this is good to know. Cause I hate posting those. I'm like, this is such a boring,

it's just a picture of me like. No, it's exciting. People want to see it. All right. All right. Well, didn't. I don't want to see it, but the people want to see it. Well, I posted it and got six likes Nobody cared as as assumed and you know you move on to your life, but We get out of there. I go get a box of high noons. That's an alcoholic beverage Ah, and I got a box. We jump with the Tesla

You know what I'm gonna say no stop it You know what I'm gonna do we got a nice two and a half hour hall to Houston we gotta charge it come on we got a charge we got a long ride we got a charge it get the fuck out of here we're where we robbed a bank we're out cold we got our paycheck we did a killer show I got a box of high noons charge the car. It's like in it's like in swingers Vegas maybe this is the whole vibe. This is appalling. I mean young blood needs to quit comedy Go to rehab take his own life. I mean that what is this with the elect? You sell this car Andrew you can't get out of the car buy a Ford tourist

Yes, or a Toyota Tacoma, or whatever the fuck, Ford Seattle, whatever car. My joke is, imagine if O.J. Simpson was in that fucking police chase and he was like, hold on, LAPD, I gotta plug this Bronco in for six minutes before I go back on the highway. Ironically that that was a low speed chase. A weird example because they were... They could have just clipped him off. It was the weirdest thing that ever happened. Well, they could have clipped him. Yeah, why didn't they clip him?

I think because he was a celebrity. Oh, he had a gun to his head. He was pulling some shit. I don't know. Ironically, it's probably the slowest he's ever run from something because he's a football player. Very fast.

Yes, I think he won the Heisman. Oh, absolutely. And maybe MVP? I gotta imagine. He ran for 2,000 yards in 14 games. He must have won the MVP, I would think. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think he was the Hertz. He was Hertz. That was big. Naked gun. Hertz so good, yeah. Chopped a lady's head off, got away with it. And a waiter. Absolutely.

Sure. OK. Goldman. Sax. Sure. OK. Goldman. Sax. So whatever. We get there. We charge for 10 minutes. I took a piss.

I made fun of him. We get to Houston. I'm half of the bag. We go to his house. I sleep at his house. The house? So no hotels. Hotel the next day.

But I slept at his house. We had a sleepover. He touched my leg. And then the next day. Ah, but I slept at his house. We had a we had a sleepover He touched my leg and then the next day We got a nice meal and in Houston Houston's a wonderful town absolutely Little steamy little scheme. I like a scheme and by the way the most diverse city in America. I've heard that over New York I've heard such things. Although with the migrants. They sent us who the hell knows the whole game is changed oh boy but I didn't say they were bad except for when they beat up that cup now they're horrible yeah just let them all out of jail who cares it's terrifying it really is you don't care about your citizens but we get to Houston and Houston's one of those sold out at

the last minute just a real banger I love Houston then we went to Houston and Houston one of those sold out at the last minute just a real banger I love Houston then we went to Young Bloods Club the secret group love that place And we did the we did a couple pop insets and we had a few pops Dave Smith was there doing a live You're part of the problem right right so we got to hang out You never see Dave anywhere else except for skankfest and Legion. Yeah, that's a good point It was weird. It was worlds colliding. So we we chatted up about everything It was one of those things where there's like 20 people in a room and me and him are just doing the whole Cabo Yeah, yeah, he's a fun guy to chat with great guy smart smart as a whip

You know, he went at it with RFK just yelling. No kidding. Yeah. Yeah. Well, someone needs to well It's tough to yell an old man who can't talk. Yeah He's like, well, I'm gonna just tie and James like actually and he just steam rolled right over that throatless bastard Well, that's good. I lie. I miss a secret girl. I gotta get down there cuz Sarah's mother's down there We're gonna bring the baby the whole thing. I miss young blood too cause we had the bachelor party and then the wedding. So you spend eight memorable nights.

Is that a song? Probably eight memorable nights. No, isn't it the Sandler? Isn't it Jewish? One of these nights. Eight crazy. Eight crazy nights. The holocaust.

No, what's that called? Hala, B's I name. No, Hanukkah. Han, no, Hanukkah. Hanukkah. There it is. But so anyways, we had all the fun. And then you just never see a guy again. No, he's around. Yeah, he's in Houston. I'm in New York. You ever go to Houston?

All the time. He's done the club. Many times. There you go. Yeah, absolutely. Love it. I'll be back. Well, if you ever need a guy on the road, I'm sure you'd love to open. No, I got people. Okay. But... He's open for nine guys. I'll be back. Well, if you ever need a guy on the road, I'm sure you'd love to open. No, I got people. Okay

He's open for nine guys apparently It's a great burger joint He's he's out there, but yeah flew back. It was one of those stressful things I flying back, you know, you're hung over on the plane and you get that text I got the fattest guy in the world next to me. What is that? I'm in row eight, which is the first one. It sounds like the most 80s comic. I got a fat guy. What's the deal with the fat guy?

I mean, I don't get it. Just eat less. Can I use that? That's pretty good. That's a funny word. You ever hear of jogging, sir? Why am I stuck with this guy? One foot in front of the other.

We look like the number 10. The last this guy's jog is a memory all right so so this is a good show I don't know why people don't like it I don't know or more people don't like it that's like one of the guys doing a lot of you ever notice a lot of guys are doing that these days so so I'm in the I'm in the row 8 which is like the one back from first class I I couldn't make it all the way. But row eight is close to first class, but you're up against that wall. I hate that wall, I'm only five, 10.

So I can't imagine what old string bean bananas over here is doing. Forget about it, it's horrible. And yeah, the row one is like that. First class, row one is like that. You get first class, I got upgraded. Next thing you know, hold Jeds a millionaire and my knees are cupping my ears. Cause I got the thing.

You're like a porn star. You're fucking labia straight up in the air. It's stirrups. Yes. Yes. Steering up. So, uh, at least with a seat in front of you get like 10 more inches of foot. Exactly. I can, I can really, cause my feet and legs bend like many do. And then I just jam them right underneath the air and I can I can really because my feet and legs bend like many do and then I just Jam up right underneath there, and I can go all the way But the first what do they call it bulk bulkhead bulkhead The worst got ahead This road head great bed head. I'll even take but bulkheads. I got a lot of sulk head. That's just a sad lady blowing you

I don't even like head cheese so Okay, I Got the row eight so I'm in the bulk I got the wall build that wall and then you know you got the old man on the on the aisle I never get a window, but it was all the head left. I got the window. I'll take a window over a middle obviously But aisle is the king old man on the aisle feeble gay twitchy the whole thing and I got Biden on the Isle so then the middle is open and you're like, oh baby

If we could have old man Charlie and then me at the window everything's gonna be gravy. I Look on the seat legend. I don't know why it's called a legend. Yeah, they throw legend around Words they just throw around. Yeah. All these words, they just throw around now. Legends of the fall. So I go, oh, baby, seat in the middle is open. This guy waddles his fat ass on, and I'm going, legend. He ain't sitting here.

And of course, he plops his big ass down there, and it's just bam, boom, wham, bam. Here's my elbows. And that was a four and a half hour flight of me. Where are my elbows? I didn't even use the tray. I didn't use the flap down tray. I just put the fucking food on this guy's elbow and ate it.

I hate that. And it's always an eventual now. We just had a flight. How about this? We flew out to Austin, obviously. Sure. Austin, you have Slee. Oh, I'm really off today.

I want to kill myself. Oh, you're cooking. Raycon. Best Airpods in the gland. Raycon. I realize I showed mine. Oh, yeah. We really fucked up.

Sorry, Fanny. We'll figure it out. There you go. You have to get Hopkins. But we were flying down to Austin. Now, the baby's first two flights, we got upgraded both flights to Tacoma first class. So we only flow first class. That's a huge flight too. So this time we got Delta comfort, comfort plus, whatever. And we're flying down there

and both those flights, he never shit his pants and he slept the whole way. So we kind of lucked out. Now this flight, we're flying and it's a long ass flight, still four hours. Now we have a guy, I'm Isle, she's middle. We're taking turns holding the baby. There's an old man on the window. And now you just feel terrible because any kind of crying, he's stuck there. We've all been there. You get the window seat. You're next to a fucking newborn baby. You're like, shit, this is a bummer. Of course. Now you're on the other end of it. So we're so paranoid.

We're just feeding him 75 ounces of milk, because every time he cries, you're like, I don't want anyone to be mad at me. You just stick a milk in his ass. So then we got like 30 minutes left in the flight. She's like, I think he might have shit. And we pulled the blanket off. I smell and just, woo, it's just a bag of dung.

And it's bled through a blowout. They call it in the business. That's when it blows out the diaper and it's like seeped through. So we're like, we have a fucking muddy blowout. Can't wait. Got to go change them. So I went, I think you're going to be interested in this. So I go up now. The two bathrooms in the back, it's two small bathrooms. We're first class gets a bigger bathroom. Now I'm in comfort plus, but I'm diamond. I fly a lot. So I go, let me go check it out. And I go, I ask cause I'm a, I'm a nervous Nellie.

I go, Hey, would it be all right? This, we got a baby. We got a blowout here. I'm in comfort plus, but I'm diamond and I'm kind of, you know, doing laying my charm on. I go, this is a much bigger bathroom. They go, of course, get out here. Now that's the flight attendant. That's not the actual first class people. They're looking at me going, what's this guy want? Where did he come from? Yeah. Well, I've seen people go in and out of first class as a first class attendant or whatever you call it. And I don't care for it. I don't care for it either But you're not gonna go whoa, whoa, hey, you crazy coos back it up. No, but I might think it sure

But so I give Sarah the go-ahead We got to go ahead. I go in I pull down I go in there first I pull down the the changing changing table. There's a changing table? All stuff you'd never think about until you have a child. It's crazy. Over the toilet. Yeah. It folds down over the toilet. I've seen this. I'm also now, you know, we take a lot of pride in flying a lot. So I know every nook and cranny of every American airport, except the elevators. I've never used an elevator in my life at an airport.

Now I got to learn where the elevators are. Wait, are you on the plane? No, no, I'm just saying off the plane. Oh, that's a big plane. Yeah. I just did a side note. I see, I see of like now I'm in JFK going, well, where the fuck's the elevator? I never used an elevator, but now I need an elevator because I got a stroller and a baby. Got it. Got it. Got it. So anyways, I go in, I do a recon. I pull down the, the diaper thing. I get it all set up. I hold the door. I'm like, all right, you do the change and I got it all set up. Now she's changing the diaper. I'm handing her whatever she needs. Here's a wipe. Here's a thing to two flight attendants, smoke shows, really flight attendants. And they're swooning over me, Jerry.

Whoa! Cause they go, oh my God, it's so sweet to see someone that helps, that cares. I saw you walking up and down with the baby, you're helping change the diaper. I can see you really care. You should see what we see.

Most men sit in first class, they have their wife back in coach with the baby, been there, and they're doing all this. And they're literally looking at me up and down. I was wearing this, but still they're like, it's just awesome to see. And there's sparkles in their eyes.

And I almost locked Sarri in from the outside and banged him two at a time like Fredo in Vegas. Sure, you should have put that beverage cart right up against the door. Like, hey, hey, you're stuck in there. Well, it's like it's like a Costanza like now. I finally have what I need Yeah, smash some hot puss sure sure. I'm a man Jerry. I'm raising a baby. I'm changing diapers I'm sweet to my wife

but if I fucked one of the hot flight attendants, I lose all that. And it's a paradox. It's a real paradox. But I jerked off thinking about the flight attendants, of course. Yeah, you got your wings. But, oh, so then she changed the diaper and, you know, Sarah's like nervous, because it's like,

okay, I got to change him and we're landing soon. And I kept doing take your time. Don't worry about it. Right. Which is a great thing. I'm a MMA Jim. Do we talk about this? No, I think you're going to like this. Please slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Ooh, I like it. That's pretty good. That's good. Cause you think when you just going fast, you think you're going fast. Oh, let me just go. What happens is you're fumbling. Oh, I fumbled that. Oh, geez.

Now I got to put that up. But if you go, all right, let me just get this, get that. Now you're not making the mistakes, and now you're actually quite quick. Yes. Because you're smooth. Why? Those Asians really are wise. Slow is smooth.

Smooth is fast. I love it, Jerry. So anyways, I'm like, take your time. We're fine. We're okay. And then I'm up at the front of the plane now with the flight attendants trying to get them to fuck me. Yes, yes. And she goes like,

pshh, scrimmable, scrimmable. Oh no, terrorist. That was, well that was the pilot. We gotta have some heavy chop in about five minutes. Ooh, bad chop. So now I gotta go back in the bathroom. I'm covered in lipstick and I'm like, honey, actually you do have to go fast. Sorry. I said, take your time. Fuck

slow as math. Cause he's got a, he's got to hit chop. And he, by the way, there's no belt. He's just laying on a piece of wood. I'm like, if we hit chop, he's going to be flopping like a fish out of jizz. Right. Right. So I'm like, hurry up now. Yeah, smooth as slow. So fast as smooth and smooth as peanut butter. I don't know. Get smooth. No one's gonna get that. Get peanut butter, get smooth. Call in if you got that reference.

That's a gem. But anyways, we got them. And then there's an old man in first class with a suit and alligator on his tits. And he wants to use the bathroom. Now the blowout is so blown out, we just had to throw away the outfit. So we just throw away the one Z,

we just throw that in the trash. Thank God you got 600, I am my father's gaze. Exactly, I know. People are like, have you worn the, my father's game? I'm like, I've worn 35. Yeah, one's covered in dog shit. But so we throw the poo in the trash and I turn, there's a first class asshole

waiting to use the bathroom. The first class hole. But now it's filled with baby shit and the whole room stinks. I asked the flight attendant, I'm like, do you have any like spray? Thinking it's like spray. For breeze.

Yes, but she just had like black lady perfume. So I'm just spraying like. Oh man. So it smells like her in there. And the shit combo. It's like, it's human shit and whatever perfume you wear. Yeah, like some kind of like high end perfume and shit have infused.

Sure. And you can see the guy's mad. And I'm like, we just destroyed the first class bathroom while sitting not in first class. And Sarah's like, I think it's fine. It'll dissipate. And I'm like, it won't dissipate. We didn't flush it. Oh, it's in the trash. Like you can't flush a onesie down the toilet. Right. So I'm like,

it's just a onesie soaked with baby diarrhea in the trash. Oh, now every person who goes to the first class, some oil tycoon is going to be like, I tell you, that's why the poor people can't be coming up here. Luckily it was like, we hit the chop, they were like seat belts on, sit down. So whoever cleaned the fucking thing had to deal with it though. Okay.

Maybe they found my AirPods, callback. Hey, we're over an hour here. Oh geez, all right, well yeah, great Super Bowl. I want a couple bucks. You got to do the mother ship. The baby's okay. Chop. Yeah. Call in and come see us on the road. You're selling tickets. I'm posting photos of theaters. We're all cooking. Gotta do it. Yeah. Come on out and check out my mental jacket. I'm doing a bunch. I recorded one with Karen and Sarah down there that was really fun and funny,

I think. And we've got some big guests coming up. It's exciting. And a bunch of people have specials coming up. They're gonna come and try it. Brian Simpson's looking to do your pod. I love the simp. It's always adorable.

He's like, what pod do you do? He's like, Tuesdays with stories? Or we might be drunk? Or do you do both? And I'm like, I don't do either. Just fuck me in the ass. I don't know call your agent Yeah, say cut it But so he's hitting you guys up and garbage and all them and for him's intense. He doing your show who for him and yeah

Okay, you too the Simpson hit you up not yet. Yeah, I like so we were tight Saint Germain. Yeah. Yeah He won't leave me alone. Oh He won't leave me alone. Oh, he won't leave me alone. Bum bum bum bum bum bum. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Who's that? Screaming fetus? Guns and roses. Ah, yes. Guns as well as roses.

Anyways, come see us, punch up live, sign up for the punch up live. The Patreon is ripping. Whoa, we just put the new Lex series out. Ripping. Three parts harmony all out from Grove 34. We gotta do that again at some point. Oh yeah, sets, hang, diner, basement, the whole Kitten Caboo. That was killer. Three 25, 30 minute videos like a television program and there's so much stuff on there.

We do trivia. We're doing Q&A. We're doing just regular old bonuses, live shows. It's all on there. Please sign up so I can afford to live a life with a child and check out my mental jacket. Tell a friend. I don't know the dates. May second, Los Angeles got some big pods coming up. Yeah. I'm all over the place. New dates added. Go to Mark growing comedy.com or punch up it's all of my my socials and yeah queef it up raise all of us thank you