Tuesdays with Stories! - #544 Put It In My Foxhole

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Joe reveals that TONIGHT he will be on THE TONIGHT SHOW! So tune in everybody! And TOMORROW NIGHT, March 5th, Tuesdays will be doing a live show at the Gramercy Theatre in NYC! Come on out! Mark flies American and Joe is disgusted. 80's bands, fitness classes, and text tones! It's Tuesdays!Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays Sponsors: - Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com with promo code TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off your Raycon order and freeshipping. Just head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't just... Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Vietnam. Good morning Vietnam. Good morning Vietnam. Not hello. Yeah. Goodbye Vietnam. Was that a good movie? I think so. It's back in the 80s when you just watched a movie. Robin Williams is in it. He screams into a radio mic. Put it on. I've never seen it. He's just a radio guy. He's like the incorrigible radio guy on Vietnam. There's a lot of stern military officers who don't care for his demeanor right kind of got George Carlin yeah but then there's a weird love story where he starts plowing an Asian broad a vietcong Charlie if you will and you

know he goes into the bush and they don't like that because it's a little friction I think he teaches English class that's been I haven't seen in a while remember that old joke about the guy he's in Vietnam with his buddy in the Fox hole and he's like, let me check out over there. I'm going to look East or West. I'll look over there at 48 degree parallel. I'll be right back and he runs over and he's gone for a while and he comes back and his bullets overhead and the guy says, what, what'd you find out? And he goes, I don't know how to get out of here. We're only going to die. But I saw a hot Vietnamese woman. She was dead. So I just fucked her. Oh, wow. I haven't heard this one. I go, so, wow, you

fucked her. That's crazy. He's like, Oh yeah, I mean, I, I went to town. I've been in the bush. I've been hiding out. I'm scared that it's raining. feet hurt, you know, bubblegump shrimp sure so I ate her out I sucked her toes. I fucked her that came in her. I waited a few minutes. I flipped her over I fucked her in the ass I came in her ass and the guy goes boy. Did you did you get head and he goes no no she didn't have a head She is headless he's fucking a headless body Maybe I shouldn't have about that. I don't know. Yeah, she's headless. She's fucking a headless body. Maybe I shouldn't have said she was dead. I don't think he's supposed to say she's dead. Because to me, I'm like, you're already fucking a dead body.

The fact she's headless isn't enough of a turn. Let me take it over from the top. All right, take it again. He said, yeah, I saw this Vietnamese woman. Oh, wow. She was gorgeous. Okay, now we're talking. Well, I don't know if gorgeous works either because of the head thing. Let me do a third take. Great body.

A great body. I saw this Vietnamese woman. She was hiding over there. And boy I fucked her in the twat. I ate her toes. I licked her ass. Oh did you get her head? No she never hit. Perfect. Now that's a singer. I fucked up. I shouldn't have said she was dead. That's but I haven't told the jokes since you know 1981 Yeah, well, you know we're workshopping absolutely. Well, I got zilch for this episode. Let me ask you this What are you doing Gramercy? Oh, yeah Tonight tomorrow night Oh night Gramercy Theater

Tickets available you got that right. We're going to have some hot guests, live app. I don't know how you feel about the live ones, but we're doing it. Oh, and by the way, tonight, I'm on the Tonight Show. Tonight. Wow! Yeah, tonight. Tonight, whatever.

Watch this and then go flick over, or you're probably just watching on YouTube, who cares? This is very exciting. I had no idea. Big time. Buy not this. I'm going to get the suit. I'm going to go buy a suit. a suit suit in the roots and have the scuba-doop-boop But I'm gonna say I'm gonna call Jimmy Jim. Hey Jim. Hey, what about Jim bow? Hey Jim bow. I like Jim bow

That'll be fun. You're gonna maybe get on that couch. I don't know about the cow I think I asked after the cow Ian Larr was on the couch. Yeah, I've been on the couch Nate's been on the cow You can get on the couch. Oh, that's gonna be the couch. Yeah, I was on the couch. Yeah, I've been on the couch. Nate's been on the couch. You can get on the couch. Oh, that's gonna be the couch. Maybe I was on the couch. I can't remember. Yeah, he usually waves you over, and then they go, bye-bye. And they do the fake wave, and you have to go, so Palestine, like, gotta fake something.

I don't think I got the wave. But I got the standing O. So that's something. That's right, the big O. Maybe that took up all the time. I couldn't get on the couch because of all the standing. There you go. And the O.

Or you could stand on the couch like Tom Cruise. Oh, yeah. That was fun. That was a wild moment in time when that guy had a meltdown. So Grammarcy, tomorrow night, tonight, whatever, March 5th. And tonight's show is either on YouTube or you can watch tonight, depending on when you're watching.

Very exciting. Now, this will be a good test of if TV helps or if it just the internet's better. Well I want to make the tonight show cool again. Alright good luck. Guys like our viral, we haven't done it, when's the last time you, me, Kramer, the Butler, Sam, Stavro, Shane, none of us are doing late night. No, you got that right. And I even asked Michael, I don't know if I should say his name, I asked

the booker, he goes how about a set and I go let me do the couch and he goes Yeah, that was like a nice trip back down earth and then I never gave him a set We have like that. Well, you know Bill Cosby He always did a set and he said I gotta let him know I'm still a comedian once you're over the couch Now you're not a comedian. You're just a guy in the couch. He never had any bad ideas. No, he didn't okay You got a point there. So I'll be on a couch with him either So, you know, I'm going to go do some stuff. But I, I talked about this with when I was in Austin with a hinge cliff and some other people, because a lot of people

are very dismissive of the late night. Sure. And we've talked about this years ago, but experientially, I don't care about career and everything. I want to go to Bloomingdale's buy myself a suit, put it on, check your ID at the door. You have a big day, and you know, my son will be able to watch me on the Tonight Show someday. And you know. Drop him right up on that TV. Oh, I already do.

And you got the black guy with the ear thing coming down, Mr. List is coming up, you're like, whoo, this guy's talking about me, and he brings you up in an elevator, it's awkward, you go, how about those nicks? He goes, would you call me? You go, sorry. Well, exactly. It's a second to get some nerves going. You know, you're a little nervous. You got to work within the confines. And Ian Lara was like, yeah, everyone talks about

how no one watches these. Like I got 10 million views on my TikTok. Oh, that shows Instagram. Whatever. Wow. How about that? And you know, maybe you get a corporate out of it, maybe you sell a few extra, you hit some people that aren't listening to us talk about eating jizz and farting on our father's tits. Yeah, they don't allow that bit.

But it's fun, it's like Jerry said, you're the only thing on NBC for that five minutes. That's true, and I think Leno said that. It was Leno, he said it to Jerry. So that was my Leno. So yeah, that's cool. And you know, you heard the Sebastian story. I did.

That gives me hope, because you still go out there, you still got to hit a home run. You got one take, Jake. That's it. You can't go, let me take that again. That's it. You got to do it. You're on a tightrope.

Sebastian forgot half his act, and they edited it. It looks great. Yeah, I think he totally froze or something they read it That's brain part brain. Quieft gone. So it'll be fun You get to see Jimmy and and it was fun to submit a tape and I'm running the set which is exciting Yeah, just feels like you feel like a kid again. It's been five years since I did the show Wow, it's almost to the day. I did it March of 2018. Hey. And so it'll be fun. I'm excited. But who you bringing?

Salahki's gonna come and pop a couple photos the way he does. Well, be careful because I brought him last time and they almost tased his ass. Really? Well, there's a four foot eight man with a Hawaiian shirt and a giant head walking around with six cameras on his neck. And they're like, what are you doing? Cause he was filming me like, take that again. And I would walk down the hallway and he's like, you know, and they got, they got secret service in there

and Jimmy's walking around. So just tell him to keep a- Should I fire him? Should I not bring him? No, no, bring him in. But he, he gets a little loosey-goosey out there. He's like, oh, hey, is that a, Leanne Rhymes? Hold on there, sister.

Let me get a shot of that up skirt and all this this shit. So just keep a leash on him. Well, he's fearless. That's, oh yeah. Which by the way, if you haven't listened to his Mindful Metal jacket, get in on that. Have you listened to this thing? I can't listen to a man talk. It's something now. He pulled donuts out. He talked about his father dying. He almost cried. He gets emotional. You gotta see it. Oh, wow. I definitely don't want to hear that. I didn't know what to do. I thought I was waiting for him to be funny. I was like, Oh, geez. Well, he's not a comedian. No, but he's funny. He's a funny guy. Funny face. We put a funny gag in there. Did you see it? It's quite a clip. I got some to it in, but I'll skip the dad dying. I'll send you a time

stamp, please. Cause he taught. I talked about how he acts tough and I'm like, you don't look tough. I feel like I can beat the shit out of you. And he said, well, I got a low center of gravity and I said, well, I've been training MMA and he goes, well, we'll have to see. And then we just got into me with heaven and an arm bar and he goes, ah, tap, tap. It's very funny. Oh wow. That's great. Did you actually do it? I mean, I put him in an arm bar. We didn't, we didn Oh, that's what I don't think it would go well for Mr. Salicus. Well, he does have a knife. That's true. I don't think he would stab me though. Hey, well, he's a father. So are you, I guess. Me too. Not too dead. But anyways, he's coming. Matt Wayne and my niece is coming, which is fun. Yeah. She's a freshman in college.

He's going to swing on up and watch the Tonight Show. Love it. Can I go back to Vietnam for a second? Please. I'd love to go back there. They didn't get enough from us. How much gay stuff is happening in these trenches? It's got to happen. I mean, statistically, there's thousands of soldiers coming

in and out of there. You're not around any ladies. Life and death. Yeah, I'm gay. I might get bombed tomorrow by a hand grenade. I'm blowing private, private. Private Benjamin. You know, I don't know. That's a good question because I watched Ken Burns, Vietnam doc, which I thought was masterful and I've read a lot. I really like war and stuff. So I've watched a lot of stuff and read a lot of stuff. You don't hear too much about it. No.

But it must have happened some. It could be a good film. Yeah. We should write it. You and me, 69, Vietnam. The Tuesdays, go to Vietnam. Now there's a picture. Now we're talking.

We're in the trenches. Put it in my foxhole. OK. But it's got to have happened. I mean, look at prison. These guys are out there for years. You go to prison for six weeks, I'm blowing a guy. Well, no, it's the reverse.

I think Vietnam, trench resner, I think Vietnam, it's like a 16 month stint. Prison's like life. Okay, but I think they go gay pretty quick. They do, but they know it's a life sentence. So they're like, I got a rape stat. And I think in Vietnam, they had the girls back home, the pinup, and the thing.

Right, right. And you have vagina is like a beacon. It gets you out of that war. Yeah, I don't know. And I think they had prostitutes and the headless lady. But there must have been someone blowing somebody. This movie's coming, by the way. It's coming right on my back, hey, well,

I didn't wanna throw a trench in the gears, but it's gotta be out there. Yeah, it must have happened, because they got gay cowboy movies, several of them. So I think gay war. Also, statistically, we've had a gay president. What do you mean? Well, we've had what, 46, 45 friends?

Well, Lincoln slept with men, they said. It might have been gay. He also went to the theater. Yes, he did. I don't know if it was a musical, but... What was the show he saw? My American Dream or This American Life? This Morning Jacket.

Yankee Doodle, Dandy. Can you look that up? It's some kind of patriotic... beauty my American farts American splendor this American life America the beautiful red white and blue my fair lady our American cousin our American cousin that was close it was America something okay but yeah I think he slept with guys he was a little homo-e I didn't know that but I don't think he's gay guys. He was a little homo-ey. I didn't know that But I don't think he's gay. I don't know. You know, you never know. Yeah. All right. What about the Hoover guy? Jago Hoover. Well, he wore dresses. Did you suck off people? Well, I'm going with Hoover. That's what they got it. I think

But yeah, he wore dresses He was in a high heel. Mm-hmm. Definitely wasn't Kennedy and it definitely wasn't Clinton. No. They liked the clam. But it is possible that there hasn't been. That's true. A gay. That's true.

Obama I bet could be gay. Ah, big Mike. He's cool, he's hip and he's, you know, he's got gay marriage, Law of the Land. That's true. So he's sympathetic to the cause. He's on the vineyard, he's got a hot chef who died. Who knows?

But yeah, I don't know, gay Vietnam is something. Gay Nam. But also what are the chances that you got another gay in your unit? Cause it's not just enough to be gay, you gotta find another gay. Yeah, they can sniff it out, those gays. They got the gay dar.

Yeah, but then that's tough situation if you're throwing out Hey, what if we fuck right guys like what you say to me motherfucker? And then they put his head in the draw. Yeah, especially in the 70s, too Yes, they might have put in put a which we call that bayonet up your ass Mm-hmm Hey, I thought about this and this is too offensive to do a bit about but everybody's like, hey, Michelle Obama I run. That's no good. She's got no experience. But who's scarier than a black lady? You know, hey, Putin. Oh, no, you didn't. Okay. But experience is experience. You know,

she lived in the White House. True. She's got more experience than Trump had when he got elected good point He never lived in the White House. No, no eight years blowing the president even when he got president He didn't live in the White House. That's right. Ah He was like this sucks. Yeah, I got Mar-a-Log downtown Mar-a-Log and the the Penthouse over there on Fifth Avenue the pent which is the hell of a spot is it I mean I've never been in there But you walk by and you're like that's pretty nice Columbus, sir. I see you know, it's funny is a That's right at Columbus circle right by the park. No, that's a different one. Oh, what am I thinking?

Oh, that's there's a Trump Tower over there. That's not where he lives. He lives on the Trump on Fifth Avenue in 56th Street. Oh really? Yeah,. Right on. On Fifth. You've walked by it a million times. You guys got a lot of real estate. Yeah. He's did pretty well for himself. He puts his name on it. Yes, he does. The, uh, there's the Taj Mahal Atlantic city. Yeah. Yeah. And then they hit the, the, the Skatey Park there, pond. Oh, the ice skate. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Okay, well I'm learning a lot.

Yeah, he's done all right. This is a little laugh and learn, folks. Well, maybe a little learn. What's the... That was a laugh. Okay, what happened to your foot here? Trench Resner, well I'm still working this fucking wart, which everyone keeps telling me put Elmer's glue,

come on it, shove it in your dad's ass. I'm going to the doctor, the hot doctor, I've talked about it before. Oh, I love the hot foot doc. She is just gorgeous and sweet and nice and helpful. My wife is like, you gotta have surgery, fuck this, because it's excruciating. It's a planar wart right on the nerve. It shoots up my toe. It radiates just. I hate a radiator. It's fucking awful. I walk, I run, I gotta take my shoe off, and give myself a rub. I'll give Audrey a quarter to Audrey. It's so bad.

And I was in Texas for a week, so I ran every day, and I would just be limping around after. So you just feel it every run, every time the foot hits the cement, you feel it. Well, the run isn't so bad, because it's minimal time. It's the walk after the run, because it jams up in there, and it's a big radiation. Sure.

And it's in there. It's in a bad spot. But the doctor, I was like, listen, I think we got to do surgery. And she's like, I can do that, but it's going to be awful. You got to be stitches. And you got to stay off your feet for two weeks. Two weeks?

Now, you know me. I still the same old G, but I've been low key. I'm not a get off my feet guy. No, sir. And your gig literally requires standing. I'm not a get-off-my-feet guy. No, sir, and your gig literally requires standing. I'm stand-up comic, and I run and walk and bat for those that don't know me. I don't sit still.

No. I'm a jumpy, bouncy, fucking crazy retard. Your tigger. Tigger, please. I mean, my heart stopped. I was like, we're gonna get thrown out of here. Tigger's fun, he bounces. He's a character, yeah, he's bouncy, he's funny, he's full of life, he's positive. I haven't

thought of Tigger in a long time. Oh I think it tickers all day. My neighborhood, full of them. Yeah, anyways he's got a... I'm trying to think of a fun one but all I got is the please, that's been done, we've done that. I hope I didn't tigger you. Tiggers with attitudes. I can't. I can't. Anyways, let's move on. I just heard a door slam.

But anyway, so I went there and she's like, the surgery, she's like, just stay the course. And see, I wonder though, because it's 50 bucks a whack every time I go there. And it's quite painful because they blast the, it's nitrogen on my tits. Jesus. But she's like, it's getting better.

I swear to God, but I'm like, I'm still dealing with the same thing. And Sarah's like, fuck this bitch. I hate her. You're just going there to cheat on me. You better fire her. Go to see a man and get him to cut your toes off. But I'm trusting the dog, I'm trusting the process,

I'm staying the course. Yeah, and 50 bucks is gonna be a lot cheaper than a surge. Exactly. Also, now here's a question, let's say she fixed your foot and you guys just had a hot moment of passion in the doctor's office, you throw her up on the butcher paper, you go on at it,

you kick the stool out of the way, you're putting popsicle sticks up in your vagina, taking her temperature, and then she charges you for the bill, for the foot. Is that prostitution? No. I guess not. No, it's for the bill.

If she charged me for the foot and then added a $300 surcharge and said, hey, you plowed me, that's for the bill. If she charged me for the foot and then added a $300 surcharge and said hey you plowed me Yeah, that's prostituted. Okay. Okay, but you really got my head in where it needs to be. I mean that's hot stuff. Hot little image there. Well when I was a kid that was like was that one of your fan? That was like my number one fantasy when I was a boy because the doctor, I don't know, I had a female doctor as a boy and she would rub over here and then she would lift my underwear just to kinda look around to make sure my dick was there.

And I remember that would be like a hot jerk off thing, was like the doctor's like, let's make sure this works. Oh yeah. Tips it around, she's like, we wanna make sure the blood flows there, gets me hard and then jerks me off and fucks me. No, I totally get that. Although I went into counseling.

Uh-oh. It's a lot. I don't know if I've told the story, but I was drinking a lot and my dad caught me drinking and he found a bunch of booze in my room and he's like, that's it. You're going to counseling, which was his way of dealing with it. And I was hungover out of my mind.

He just dropped me off at a doctor's office and she was like, does your dad hit you? Why are you drinking so much? And my first thought was like, maybe I can nail my dad here. We were like, yeah, he hits me. It's quite a bit of a jail, but I didn't want to fuck dad over. And then she goes, well, let me do some vitals.

She did the, she did the temperature, she did the pulse, and then she just put her hand in my pants and felt around. She was like, all right, you're good. And I was like, ah, I was 14, I wasn't ready. Yeah, that to me is still the hottest thing because you're a lone one, any one on one with a woman,

there's something a little bit. Of course. Bicy, and at the doctors now, they don't do one on one because of me too. So there's always a second lady, but she's just a hot lady too. Yeah, that ain't helping, now it's a foursome. Now you're four, there you go.

But now, unless you count the warden, but you're in there and you're like, this is something hot about it. And the longer you're married, the more you're like, just me and a woman over here. Well, yeah. I mean, I would say the same for the chambermaid. Esmeralda's in the bedroom.

And you're like, ah, you go. I'll brush my teeth in the bathroom. And she's doing the fluff and pillows. And you're like, ah, she's right there. I've had that idea before too, is you take the do not disturb, in my younger days, you take the do not disturb off and then you're like, you just happen to be jerking off and you go, whoa, and she goes, hey. I've had the same.

But in real life though, when that happens, you're like, ah, please. You're really, you're only handed like a cool guy, you're not like, what's up? You're not like Drake. You're like, you're all handed like a cool guy. You're not like, what's up? You're not like Drake. You're like, ah! Yeah, no, it's hard to jerk off, not embarrassing. Yeah. Because I'm like going 300 miles an hour. I use my fingertips, no lube.

I got my toe in my ass. It's not pretty. Same, same. I bite the drapes. It's weird. Now can you jerk off in the shower? Because every film I ever watch, someone's jerking off in the shower.

Mitch Fetell had a great joke. He's like, I can't because my knees buckle and I ripped the shower curtain down, which always made me laugh. I've never been a jerk off in the shower guy ever in my whole life. I've done it. One time I went on a vacation with my dad, and I had to get some relief, and I had to jerk off in the shower. But it takes four times as long.

There's some weird friction with the water. There's hard water, soft water, which I still don't understand. No. I was soft water. And you know, I just down the drain, but it's rare. And to me, it's a last resort. Yeah, I guess it's only if you're sharing a room with a buddy who's not cool.

You gotta go, I guess soap could work, but then you can get soap in your dick hole, which will burn for a decade. No, thank you. And then the knees buckling is a thing. I can't, I need to be laying down on my back to come. Oh, I can do it standing. That's kind of hot. You really grind it away and I look into.

Just standing? Yeah, you're up and at him. You're like an ape. Well, you know what, what's this toes said? Why stand when you can sit? Churchill. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Which would have been funnier if

Roosevelt said that. Ah, good point. Yeah. Then there was one where he's like golf, golf ruins a good walk, which I liked. Oh, that's funny. I think that was also him. Yeah, he's good. Yeah, he was all right. A lot of people hated him. But he saved England. Yeah. And he drank like 10 glasses of gin a day. He was one of those guys. Yeah, he thought you're supposed to be Lubricated I want the Churchill Museum in London. That's a hell of a museum Oh, really? You're over there get your ass down there. It's like the Churchill war rooms You go in the bait and you're like this is where Churchill was, you know writing or whatever I think he was a laughing stock

He was kind of out of the business and they were so Desperate for any kind of good leadership that they were like, let's try this piece of shit and he ended up saving the world. Right, because that Chamberlain was a real queef. Yeah, but I hated the chain. He's stuck. Chambermaid. Uh.

But yeah, those were dark days and we're in dark days now. We're going to pull through folks. We're resilient. Absolutely. We'll be just fine. Yeah. We got a lot of people coming in. What is it, three million migrants this year?

I have no idea. I think it's up there. They're all down at the bottom of our building here. Yeah. You know who killed the most migrants or deported the most people? Oh, tell me. Obama.

There you go. Hey, they called him like Mr. Deportage or something. Nice work. Uh. Well, where you been? You been Deportage or something. Nice work. Well, where you been? You been on the road or what's going on? I've been all over, up, down, right, left. I went to, now this is a fucking kick in the wart, wart in business school.

So I went, did Boise? Hey. To Salt Lake, to home. Okay. Now, Boise underrated, cute Salt Lake, to home. Okay. Now, Boise, underrated, cute town, great comedy crowd. We sold that puppy out, because when do you go to Boise? By the way, one of four states I've never been to.

Wow! Five states. Idaho? Never been to Idaho. I've been close, I've been Spokane. Right. Right there, but never quite made it to Idaho. Sweet, friendly people.

Everybody's friendly there, because every dude is six seven big fat corn fed white guy named Tyler who likes to hike. That sounds right at my asshole. A lot of Patagonia, a lot of LLB, a lot of uh what do you call that Columbia? You know what I'm talking about? A lot of boots and khakis and fleeces. Well I've heard that one place up in the north not far from east of Spokane It's got a French name. It's like the best town in the world Yeah, a lot of rich hockey coaches live there cul-de-sac. Can you look that up something French Idaho northern Idaho water Baroque Baruch. I think it's a sea cold. Uh, Kaloo to do well, there's a kut to walk back when I know

Well, see I could I could find on Google Maps. No, no the Balkans Well, there's a there's a French tribe moved to Idaho and started a thing I'm gonna find it real or Dahlene. That's it. Oh, Korda lay Korda Lane Korda Lane That's it. Oh, that's supposed to be the fucking spot over there. Is that right? Yeah, Cordillane. Well, the scenery there is lunch, it is tip top. You look out the window, it's just snowy mountains

and forest and fat chicks. Forest gump, yeah, we should move to Cordillane. Cordillane. That's what I heard. Cordillane Maxwell. All right, so Boise is such a cum guzzler to get to. I had to leave a night early, which you know I hate doing. That's why we had to move the podcast.

Thank you for doing that. But yeah, leave the house at, you know, noon on Thursday. I think I landed at 11 PM. Oh. Brutal. And then you just land, you're like, all right. I meet up with Andy Haynes the next morning.

He's like, I got in early. I did a show. I set up my own show. I headlined. I was like, oh, wow. Good for you. Nice. I landed and just conked.

Is there a party that likes flying out the day? I love flying when I don't have anything. It's a good feeling. Because you're like, where does the delay? Whatever. That's true. I'm just going to go home, jerk off in the shower, watch TV, and then eat the cum out of the drain.

Yeah, it is very relaxing, but I also have that, like, I'm wasting a day of my life. I'm gonna die a day earlier. I got that evil in me. Yeah, I was just at therapy talking about this. Really? Yeah. Okay.

It's not good. It's not good, and it doesn't make sense, and it's a waste of time to think about because it's happening anyway. So shut the fuck up, you quiff. Exactly. All right, so I'll get to the old boyzy, you get a good night's sleep by the way.

What'd you do for Valentine's? I don't do anything for Valentine's Day. Smart. Don't believe in it. I did the podcast in my basement and then Sarah did two spots. I watched the baby. It was the nicest gift you can give a mother by the way.

Yeah, that's true. You go do spots. I don't, I think the baby. It's the nicest gift you can give a mother, by the way. Yeah, that's true. You go do spots. I don't, I think it's made up, it's horseshit, and I treat my baby good all year round. There you go. One of those guys. You don't need a coupon book to go, here's one free foot massage, fat whore.

So we went out to dinner, this lady goes, hey, if you do my show, I'll get you dinner. So she bought us dinner at this place. Rule of thirds. Very nice. Oh, I think I've heard of that. It's like a hot, sexy place. And then we did a show in the back room, and we both bombed.

And then we got shit-housed and had the craziest Valentine's bang of all time. Oh, that's nice. But then you wake up up and you're like, oh, I can barely move and I had to fly to Boise. Now, what is crazy banging in tail? What are we talking? Tight shoes, mouth play, ball play.

Saying horrible things, flipping each other over, squirting, eating every hole, toys, fisting, jizzing, facial stuff, it's pretty wild. It really does get hard, no pun intended, after a while because you're just like, can you put on a wig please? I know.

Can you tape your eyes back? Yes, can you be a man? Yes, exactly. Can you strap something on? Can you just put on a pair of boots and step on my balls until they break? Yeah, you got to keep it spicy and we're only in our forties early for we got a long way to go I mean, I'm gonna be fucking this woman for another 40 years. It's a horrible system. It's a bad idea and it's antiquated I'm gonna put her in a wheelchair.

I'm hoping she grows a beard, something. Oh, now we're talking. I patch, I don't know. Do something, yeah, yeah. Get a haircut, get a Mohawk, a Swastika tattoo, a peg leg, something. That's why you had that. I had that, boy.

Ooh, I was living good, she couldn't get away. Somehow you let her get away. That's what's great about pregnancy is you get like four months of fucking a fat bitch. Oh It's good boy. It's where their cans are huge and then they come fast. Yeah, so you got you go pregnant I think about having a second kid just so I can have a fat lady in my house again I like it. Hey get that fat bitch back on the bed I'm like feeding her cupcakes and stuff, not because I'm into fat women. In fact, I find them vile and I despise them.

But after a while of having sex with a petite woman, you're like, give me fat. Right. I'm putting blackface on her for God's sake. Something. You need variety. Yeah, maybe a scar. And by the way, I'm no picnic either.

And women have more options. I've talked about this before. They can put in pigtails, short hair, long hair, eyeshadow. Yeah, this is all you're getting. I don't have anything. I can get like a mustache or clean shaven. No one wants to see me clean shaven. No, we're eating here.

I know. By the way, I'm about to make a short film with Sam Rubinov again. He's like, I want you clean shaven. You're playing a lawyer. I'm like, what are you crazy? Every comment is like, look at his face. Look at his teeth.

Fuck yeah. and shaving, you're playing a lawyer. I'm like, what are you crazy? Every comment is like, look at his face. Look at these teeth. Fuck. Yeah. I need to grow like a fucking a ZZ top beard. Wait, who is this guy? He's like, uh, playing God over here. This Sam Rubin off Rubin off. He's a hell of a filmmaker. He's got it. We're making a film. It's me and Fian are married, by the way. That's exciting. That's worth it for the, uh, for the Fian alone. I know I keep being like, this movie can use a sex scene. I don't know what we're doing here. And he's like, shut up. You're a piece of shit.

Your wife hates you. Yeah, she can sit on my face in the courtroom. Feels like it's good for the plot. Might be funny. I don't know. We're trying in the rehearsal. We're trying. I object.

But anyways, yeah, he's like, hey, shave your face and I want to kill myself. I might just break the razor and be like, ah, shit. Yeah, it's not going to be good. I mean, it's going hey shave your face, and I want to kill myself I might just break the razor and be like ah shit. Yeah, it's not gonna be good. I mean, it's gonna be a horror film Okay, so I'm in Boise we do this show killer show we had a great time being Haynes we Haynes one of my oldest pals in comedy So it's good to good to be back chopping it up I'm learning about him and Rosebud and the baby and he's giving me tips and marriage and the whole thing. And then the clinker.

We got a six hour drive from Boise to Salt Lake. Oh, yikes. So I said, that's crazy. That's too much. Let's fly. Each flight a grand. Yikes. That'll get you.

That's what it cost to fly to Barcelona, a grand. Right. So you're like, Boise to SLC is a fucking thousand dollars each. Why is Salt Lake City so expensive to fly to? I don't get it. It's a hub. It's Boise. It's not the Salt Lake, it's the Boise of it all.

But I had a $700 flight to Salt Lake City last year. Or whatever year from JFK. Oh really? Yeah. Maybe it's a hot spot? I don't know. I don't get it. I don't get it either, but that was a kick in the dick.

And then we did Salt Lake and probably one of the prettiest venues I've ever done. I know I said that last week, but this was up there. Just so cool to do wise guys over and over and then just, boom, we graduated to this and Killer Crowd, Haynes crushed it, they were great. And then we went out and got dinner. Now this is where it gets funky. We went out and got dinner and then you know, hey Keith Stubbs, where should we go?

This is the best place in town, that's a great spot. We're gonna be eating at the hotel. You know, easy, convenient. Sure. Then we have a drink at the bar. Soccer games on, UFC's on, whatever. Haynes is sober, he's like, I'm going to bed, the the I'm an admin guy, you know? I'm an adult, I'm 40, I'm getting a nightcap. This is trouble. I go down there, the bar's empty, but one guy. Okay. Tour manager.

He also went upstairs. So we both independently of each other went back down for a nightcap. Interesting. And he's having a Bailey's on the rocks and I go, what the hell are you doing here? I kind of felt betrayed, like, oh, you're drinking without me?

And he's like, you went to bed. And I was like, so did you. And he's like, I wanted a nightcap. And I said, so do I. This is awkward. So now we're drinking. And he goes, I'll do a shot. It was a great weekend.

Cut to four in the morning, just two idiots, headlocking each other, walking down the hall, telling war stories and racist jokes. And I wake up Beep beep beep beep I want to kill myself I go downstairs Haines is doing jumping jacks and hemp and making a hemp necklace and he's like where the hell you been and we go to the airport I Was so fucking hungover. I had an American flight One of the worst airlines in history. We should bleep the name. Yeah,

we should. It's sad that the the the airline of our country is such a fucking dick cheese operation. Well, it's like it's a government airplane. They just took the name America. Delta is the national airline. Is it Delta? I don't think it's actually a national airline, but they're the best. Yeah, we got a state bird. It is weird that there's no public flight transportation. Oh yeah. There should be, take the M140 from New York to Charlotte. I guess it's too dangerous.

We'll put your dumb ass on a bus, but we're not putting your poor ass in the sky. I guess it's a good point, it's all privatized. Is that what they mean, privatized? Privatized, yeah. I guess it's a good point. It's all privatized. Is that what they mean? Privateized. I think so. And then what is the private sector? The private sector, that means like it's not publicly traded, I think. Oh, right. I don't know about that. Private sector? It sounds like a dirty part. I know. I got a private sector right here. Taint is like, that's what I call my taint. Yeah, private sector is the part.

It's the part of a country's economic system that's run by individuals and companies rather than a government entity. So it's like a mom and pop. Yeah. Private sector just sounds so small. Like a private sector, but it's actually a ton of thousands of businesses.

But then Delta is the private sector. I guess so. It's not run by the government. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Well, I don't know if that counts as a sector, right? Does that count as a sector or is it like a place? Is it like a location? It's a part of the country's economic system.

So I don't know if it can be just one individual business. I think it is. I think they're part of the private sector. Now working in the private sector, I think you're like a governor for 20 years and now you move to the private sector. You're like a lawyer or you're a librarian or an ice cream man.

Yes, yes. They just make it sense, it sounds so of private sector. It sounds like a part of a spaceship. Oh yeah, it says sole proprietorship's like privately run, but it says small businesses. Doesn't say like big business like Delta. Delta might be a corporation.

I think you run your own business. Like this guy's part of the private, We're private sec. We're private sec Yeah, nobody knows about our sector. No Very anonymous PR IV ACY So yeah, so got on that that fucking American flight I was so hungover and you know you dream of the lounge Jerry You know the beginning of the airport like I'm gonna get a bloody Mary go into that lounge You get a couple chocolate chip cookies, eat out my dad.

And then I go to the American lounge, they're like, you're not a member. And I was like, oh yeah, I never fly American. So I go, how much to sign up for the lounge? I go, 800 simoleons. I've been in this spot before. And I go, well it's still cheaper than a Boise flight to SLC, but not gonna do that.

800, and they go, how many how many miles they go 150 and I go How many do I have they go 600 they go do it? Wow got in the lounge. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, so now I'm all lounge all day ever across the board private sector and Boy that flight was long and arduous. Yeah, no TV. Oh That's American. American sucks. America blows. It sucks.

What are we doing? It's called American. Make it fat, fat people. I want a dessert cart. I want fentanyl. I want shootings. Something, American. You got to make it more American.

Yeah, you got to have, you know. Give me Lizzo flying that thing. Put some rips on it. Some migrants, some social media clips. Yes, yes, yes. Give me an influencer as the stewardess. Give me something. Some pie. I'm excited to get back on the road.

I'm going on the road this weekend. I haven't been on the road proper in so long. I went to Tacoma, but I brought the family and we stayed with Derek and I went to Austin for a week, but I brought the family. This is going to be an old school, me and Matt Wayne on the fly, which by the way, you fly with a child and wife and the luggage and the, I sound like Cosby and then the pills and the toys and pills. And now it's like like it's like swinging two bats now I'm going fly by myself and I'm like this is easy peasy Japanesey

oh exactly no you're gonna have a plan there's nothing better that's the beauty of the road is that independence is that freedom is that you shake the weights off and it's just you I love it and I also realized I did Grove last night I got nothing new I haven't written a joke since 1985 because I ride on the road that isolation you're on the plane You're in the hotel. Yes, you gotta come up with something to say. You're like, let me I'll say this That's kind of funny. Yeah, you're with the family and you're walking around. You're just not in that mode Oh, yeah, like don't you find cuz Sarah always talks about how she writes what she's hanging out with friends

Because she's telling stories and thinking of funny stuff to say I'm the complete reverse I am too. I write when I'm isolated same what I'm hanging out We're catching up. I'm being like you should have seen how bad this comic was. Why does that comic suck so bad? Why doesn't that girl want to blow me sure even though I'm married and so we're doing that But when you're by yourself, you're like What's up with people that wear their hair like that? Yes. The people that wear their hair like that

should be shot. I'll write that down. Well, the problem is, I think, because I think a lot of people are aware of the minority here. Yeah. Because I think it takes, A, a little discipline to sit down and go, the hair is weird.

Let me write about this lady. And it doesn't come as easily. But the hanging out, you say something funny, you go, oh, I'll write that down. I said a funny thing, but I don't like that. It's too situational. Right. You know, you gotta go up there and go,

so, oh, I have a microphone. So I was hanging out with some friends, and then she said this, and I said that, and then I was funny. Right. I like an observation. Yeah, observation is good. Well, also one-on-one hang, which is what the road is like now,

because you have your opener. Then you're telling stories, at least. So you're thinking about yourself, but you're also with someone else. And you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what's the one on this guy? And then they go, that's pretty funny, which we've talked about before.

Half my bits are things I've said 550 times, and people just go, why don't you stay on the stage? Sure. I still don't recognize a bit. Yeah, me neither. It's crazy. I thought I'd try it sometimes and it bombs. Yeah.

So it's a little frustrating. But sometimes you're like, oh, I haven't mined anything for a while. I love a mine. Yeah, I like a mine too. They're kind of fun. Yeah, as long as they keep their mouth shut. Hey, folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories

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slash Tuesdays folks this episode is brought to you by better help If you don't set time aside to achieve your goals It's gonna be really hard to accomplish them better helps online therapy helps you learn to set boundaries work towards the best version of Yourself and ensure that you're spending time on the things that mean the most to you. Mark, you love therapy, don't you love therapy? Love therapy, you need it, you gotta do it, we're all doing it. I love it, I go, God, please tell me, Chuck's going, therapy's the best, I go, I see Alan, but this is even easier than Alan. I mean, Alan, I gotta go all the way down to Union Square, I gotta bump into someone in the office, that's the worst. You come out, you've been crying and sobbing

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to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Tuesdays. Let's go ahead and get back to the show. Here, here. But the problem with the hanging out bits is I don't find them as relatable. And it's never a great take. I think if you're alone really mining, you get a take.

You get an angle on something. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm generalizing. I mean, I don't know. Sometimes a group hanging can come up with something, but I'm just too busy hanging out with the group. And we've talked about this before too, like the batch of the party we get on the wedding weekend,

I don't need to come up with jokes because I'm being funny in a different way. We're being funny by shitting on each other, or telling stories, old stories that aren't bits. And you're like, so now I don't need that vehicle because I'm getting it through hanging out with you. Ah, good point. Instead of coming up with bits, I'm like, remember that time you fucking sucked me off in the shower with those two fat

ladies? Do I? I neglected them and blew you. But yeah, it's like with DeRosa at the batch party, tried to light his fart on fire and his balls got singed or whatever. And it's funny and we're all laughing, we're making fun of his sack, but that doesn't read on stage to me. And that's my problem with the hanging outfits. Right, we gotta get a good hang going again. We need a hang, I mean this is,

we're like on a, what do you call that, a life support when we hang out here? Cause I'm like, oh, we gotta go to the pod and we're getting so into it and the clock's ticking. I know, well the thing is, if we didn't have podcasts, none of us would see each other. That's the sad truth. I know, and then the baby, I might have a baby

and Chuck's gay, so it's all over the place. Yeah, it's not easy, so that's why I do these Grove 34s because you get a few people over and you start hanging out. True that. Which is not so funny, because now I have people that are like, I wanna see the baby and you're like, okay, well look at the baby, funny because now I have people that are like, I want to see the baby. And you're like, OK, well, look at the baby, but I haven't hung out with a human.

So don't be talking to that baby. Tell me your stories. Lay it on me, Faddy. And I'm such a nerd that I'll go on the road with some open miker. And I'm like, oh, we got a four hour car ride. In my head, I'm like, we're going to talk. We're going to hang out for four hours.

I'm excited. So that's good, too. I can't wait. I mean me and me and Wayne. I mean on the 4th of July. It's a song there I can't I can't wait. It's like three. I'm like really pumped to just sit hang out plus I Work out more. I'm like, let's go do push-ups. Let's go to the gym. It's gonna move. I'm in the movie since 1985 I'm like, I'll see anything I'll say anything great film. There you go Oh Yeah, ah Peter Gabriel ah

Then there's Richard Marx. Oh, that's a totally different guy. There's a lot of one guy Rod Stewart Richard Marx Peter Gabriel But Richard Marx is not in that. Who's he? He stinks. He stinks? Yeah, Richard Marx is like your parents' music. Give me a hum a few bars, Fanny. Richard Marx, I think, I will be right there waiting wherever you go, whatever it be, he sucks.

He plays at the salon when my mom gets a slip. Yeah, Richard Marx sucks. Rod Stewart's up plays it. This is like Yeah, Richard Mark sucks. Rod Stewart in the faces Rod Stewart fucking kicks ass. All right And then he went disco in gay like Rod Stewart with the faces fucking rules and his Billy Idol Gabriel was in Genesis Peter Gabriel fucking kicks ass. What was that? Guy with the law Michael Bolton Michael Bolton. He's more Richard Marks Richard Marks Michael Bolton ery this a Peter Gabriel and Rod Stewart over here but Stewart above Gabriel what's what's Gabriel Gabriel was in Genesis and he had um give me a hit that's all Berry Hills that's a catchy tune. I could hit those city lights. Yeah, catchy. And then he had in your eyes the light,

and then he had don't give up. That one with Kate Bush. Yeah, I feel like these aren't really great lyrics. They just really belt them. No, don't give up. There's nothing to this. Well, it's beautiful. That's a beautiful song.

That song will really get you. If you're ever on the road alone, put on don't give up. Peter Gabriel, you'll start beautiful song. That song will really get you if you're ever on the road alone put on don't give up Peter Gabriel you'll start weeping. All right. It's a weepy. It's a weepy wanderer The eighties were not great now rods now everyone kind of sucked a lit in the eighties, but there's great Also great eighties music. I mean the clash did their best stuff in the eighties and the cure fuck your rules and I like to talk Inheads, I know you don't love them, but I also like tears for fears a little bit. Yeah, that's that 80s stuff is fun and good. Then you have guns and roses come out in the 80s.

And I even like poison and all those gay bands. Metallica was fucking tearing it up in the 80s. So there's good 80s, but bands that ruled in the 70s got cheese dick in the 80s. And a lot of the early 90s stuff is great, but that was born in the 80s. Sure, of course. You got your Pearl Gems and your Silver Chairs and your D'arvanas. They all started probably 87. Well Silver Champ was like six in the 80s. They were 14 when they came out. Which is crazy. Chili peppers were big in the 80s. Were they? Oh yeah. I don't know that. But um. She drives me crazy. Hoo, hoo, hoo.

That was the 80s. I can't help myself. What's that? That might have been 90s. That might have been 90, 91. I'm thinking 80, late 80s. She drives me crazy. When I can't help myself.

Boy that's a catch. If that's, it's either 89 or 90. 88. What do you say? I'm gonna say I'm gonna say 91. All right. I'm going 88 89 89. Oh I knew it was right there. It just made it. That means they probably wrote it 87 But yes, there's some this some fucking killer shit in the 80s. And then you have like Danzig. Oh, I love Danzig. Social distortion in the 80s, Pogues in the 80s. I mean, these are some of the best bands ever that were coming out of the 80s. I made it. It's great. So yeah. Wait, what was I going to say? Oh, there's Rod Stewart.

There's a lyric where he says, you're going to need a shot of vitamin E by the time you're finished with me. I always thought that was a fun turn of phrase, like he was singing vitamin and I just found out British people just say vitamin. Right. Like I thought he did a clever thing where instead of saying vitamin, he said vitamin and I was like, what a fun lyric. Why is that clever? Well, just to like, it's fun to like say a word wrong, like in a cool way. You're gonna need a shot of vitamin E by the time you're finished with me. Right. And it was like 10 years later that I was like, Oh, they just say vitamin. Yeah. It's just like fun way of saying, say a word incorrectly is like funny. It's like Aluminum. Yeah. Wait. That's Aluminum. Aluminum. Aluminum. Aluminum. Yeah. Aluminum. Yeah. There you go.

And but yeah, Rod Stewart fucking ruled. Faces kick ass. The drunkest band ever too. Really? They say. I guess all of them at some point fucking passed out drunk during a show at different times. It's pretty fun.

And Oolala rules. Oh, Oolala's great. And yeah. Did Madonna just pass out on a, I think Madonna ate shit on stage, which is, you gotta give that a goog. She was, she's like 77 years old, so that's risky.

She could crumble like a T-1000. I love 80s Madonna too. Oh. In early 90s. Love 80s Madonna. And she's the hot as Cindy Loper fucking rules. I like weird out. My changes everything.

Yeah. Yeah. What do you got? Christ hope it wasn't one of Lizzo's like God. Yeah, it's pretty rough. It says Madonna laughs off on stagefall after dancer trips and drops her And then I guess she fell on top. I think she's fine. All right. Yeah, she's got to be up there I think the plastic surgery. She's got so much Botox and shit. She's probably stiff as a board.

I also love like Kenny Loggins is fun. Oh. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Scallion up your engine, shoving into overdrive. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, highway through the dangers of home. It's also weird like the remaking Roadhouse, the Jillian Hall, and the old one is so 80s.

It's like wildly, it has big hair, the shirt's open. It's super 80s, but now we're back in the 80s. Cause when I feel like in the 90s, we had like a 60s reboot kind of thing. And now it's 80s, which is so weird to live through a time that's now like the throwback old days. Right, right. Yeah, it's like,

every nostalgia. Yeah. Plus people in their 40s are the ones purchasing stuff. So they wanna appease people in their 40s and 50s. We still go to the movies and buy the movies. Yeah. The kids watch TikTok. Right. So they gotta do stuff for us. I know. I guess.

I guess. But I think kids are buying it. They went to Barbie. Yeah, I guess so. But Barbie's old. That's right. Well, Barbie's from like the 40s. So is Oppenheimer. That's from the 40s too. A lot of 40s. Took a workout class. I'm changing my whole life. My whole approach to everything. Karen Fian really inspired me. She goes to all these workout classes. By the way, she has a member, you think I'm crazy with the money? She has a membership at Equinox and Lifetime.

What's the women's channel? No, the gym, you know, Lifetime Fitness. Oh, anytime? No, at anytime sucks. Lifetime. You've seen Lifetime Fitness. I've seen Lifetime, anytime I'm playing it. Pull up the logo to Lifetime Fitness.

Maybe I am, see it. It's in New York, it's like Equinox, it's huge. Oh, okay, okay. She's got both, they're both like $400 a month, it's crazy. What? She chooses from one or the other. I gotta get wealthy. Well, she's got a coolant too,

cause those feet are gonna raise it eventually. Like she can't live on those hoofs forever. I'm just saying, like she's flying a little close to the sun with these quadrupeds. Well, you make enough money, you save it, you invest it, and she makes plenty of money doing comedy too, I think. Yeah, see, look at that, lifetime fitness, everywhere. I've seen that, okay.

By the way, if you're a foot guy, shouldn't you be a... Wait, point at me, I'm not a foot guy, no foot. Okay, if you're a foot guy, shouldn't you be a- Wait, point at me, I'm not a foot guy. I mean, no foot. Okay, if you're a foot guy, shouldn't you be a pedophile? Ped, a file. You love feet. Yeah. Isn't that a-

Oh, the term should be pedophile. The term. I see, because the way you phrased it, you're like, I thought you were saying, shouldn't you be into having second kids? No, no, no, maybe kids feet. I couldn't quite understand the equivalency. It should be called a pedophil. Because it's a podiatrist for the foot. Right. And you get a pedicure. Pedicure. What's the good name for the fix a pedophile, a pedicure.

Exactly. Your toenails, baby, you won't want to fuck kids anymore. See, now we're off on a bit. Now we have a bit. But it's something. Pedophile, just saying. Pedestrian. Uh-huh. Pedal bike. There you go. But anyway, she goes and does all the workout classes. Now, I never thought about this. So Equinox, where I go, they have classes that are free. Ah.

But I never think to take them because you gotta meet a person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta go in and go, huh, you have to sign up. And now, no thank you. And you have to find out what the class is. And it's all fear, Jerry. I don't want to do anything I haven't done before.

You're like, what do I got to do? And then what if I can't do a pose? You're always afraid you're going to have a dumbbell up over your head. And they're like, what are you doing? I know, I know. You fucking idiot. The unknown.

Or it's like, it's all women, and I'm the only guy. And they all come in my face, reverse, pukaki, whatever. Now that's a class. But she's said come in my face, reverse, Pococchi, whatever. Now that's a class. But she said, she's like, no, you got to do the classes. It's like someone training you and I have no self discipline. I go in there, I do 12 curls. I'm like, I got to go do back and the guy's on the machine.

So I'm like, I'll just go steam. Yeah. So I do that. I'm getting nothing out of it. But she had a great point because she's like, if you go to Orange Theory or whatever class, it's like 40 bucks a class. Now you gotta do it. You're paying $300 a month for the gym.

If you go to eight classes times whatever math, now you're making money. So I got all jacked up and I said, you got me. I'm going to a class. So I signed up for a class, Core Strength. Oh boy. With Alyssa as the teacher. That sounds all right. I go in there and it's a big, by the way, you know me.

I'm like 25 minutes early. I come in with like, you know, be with some butt head shorts. So I'm like, I'm here for the Core Strength. And she's like, okay, well you're a little early. You look retarded. She's like, you can just sit here. And I'm just like sitting there. Just me and her, she's like setting up.

She has a little headset thing. Oh, Madonna. And then it's just woman after she has a little headset thing. Oh, Madonna. And then it's just woman after women, it's all women. Yes, yes. All pipes, two gay men, and we do the workout, and I guess I could do this as a bit, I should, where it's like, you work out on your own, and then you go to a class, and you can't move for four days.

She's like, well, clearly I'm not working out. Good point. I couldn't, my stomach, a core is still killing me. Really? I can't sit down, bro. I go to sit down. I just fall. I have no core.

I'm like, because I stretched. We were doing, we had a medicine ball. And you lift it over your head. And then you go up and under the legs like this. Oh, that's brutal. I'm doing these and going like this. And then another one, you have a block where you're holding the, pinching the block like this and then

doing this shit. Oh, what a nightmare. I'm doing that block like this and then doing this shit. Oh What a nightmare And then there was some dumbbell shit good for you for doing this I'm like I gotta go back, but I couldn't move for like three days. You know you are you're hardcore I'm hardcore baby. Well, we're doing all kinds of squats. It was really something else So I'm a workout class guy now. Wow good for you I think it's I think you got a point there, because if you do it, you're not going to push it.

Alyssa, with the headset, this dirty core, she's going to push it. Well, I've always been like this, because I ran cross-country in high school. And then they'd be like, all right, here's your summer running assignments. It's illegal from the rules of the sport. You can't have practices all summer.

You can't make kids practice. So you'd be like, all right, when everyone running eight miles a day, I'm like, you got it. And I would show up day one be like, I didn't run once. Yeah. I can't self-discipline. It's hard, Jerry. It's not good. Other push-ups don't get me wrong, but I'm doing... You doing them in your terms. I'm doing, you know, 60 push-ups. I'm like, that was something. Yeah, got the heart going. And you get older, you get fat, you eat a donut a day, the something. Yeah, I got the heart going. And you get older, you get fat, you eat a donut a day, the metapause goes down, whatever that's called. Yes, yes. Metapablism. Metapablism. Yes. That's how they say in England. Zuckerberg. But how do you feel about him sitting ringside

and coming down with the guy? It's a little he's he's like a make-a-wish. Like let these people have their thing. You run your little online stuff. It's a different world. He's like, I like it, they're my heroes. It's so wacky looking. He's just with a fucking Russian fighter. And he's like. I know. It's all very strange.

I think he's just a big dweeb and we gotta rub his little tussle his hair and let him fuck his Asian wife. It's just crazy. I guess you make enough money. You can just be like, all right, you come to the ring with me. I don't know.

I don't know why the guy allowed it. Maybe he's like I want a free Facebook Membership or whatever, but is he funding it because you need like sponsors as a fighter. I don't think so. No I think he's just he's just I want to be part of it. It's like a kid at a baseball game with cancer Crazy, it's where it's amazing what wealth can get you. Wealth and fame. Pussy and a ringside seat. I'll tell you, I was at the Rangers game, and I'm not the biggest Rangers fan, but I had to be on the jumbo, so I had to go to the game. There's like real housewives in New York like,

whoa, when do they fight? When are they gonna fight? And the other guy was like, shh, and we all hated her. And she's like, whoo, what's his name? Glokovik, Glokovik, whoa, he's so cute. I was like, whoo, what's his name? Glokovic Glokovic. Well, he's so cute. I was like, get the fuck out of here. But she was rich and famous and they threw her in there.

You guys gotta get, that's how I see you. You gotta get me in there. You don't like basketball and hockey. Get me over there. All right, let's go. Bring me in. I'll bring in. I texted Sam, by the way,

text has no humor. There's no, I texted Sam. I was like, Oh, yeah. You got Norman at the basketball game. This guy doesn't know a free throw line from a cocaine line. You got to get me in there. And he wrote, okay. And I was like, Ah, geez. Oh, that hurts. I was like, because he realized I'm saying it like this. I'm like, what are you doing? You got Norman over there. There's no inflection. And then he takes it like, like I'm like, Hey, enough already. Bring me. So I feel like I got to call him. I'm like, I was just kidding. I don't care. Yeah, what is this? No, um,

tone tone tone is tough with text Because I've had this before tone. I didn't care for that dial tone bell I've had this before too where I'll be with someone Bill. I've had this before too where I'll be with someone who's reading a text from someone else in a way that I'm like, are you sure it's meant that way? They're like, look at this. What time are you getting here? Right. What the fuck? Like I'm late every time? Yeah. You think I'm late? You fucking piece of shit? And I'm like, I think they might just be saying, what time are you getting here? Yes, exactly. That's what's tough with text. I think ladies do, my gal do that.

She's like, can you believe the way he talks to me? I'm like, he said hello. But I've had that with messages too, where someone posts a photo of themselves shirtless and I'm like, yuck. And they're like, let's see you shirtless. And I'm like, oh no, I was being like. It's ironic.

Yes, it was ironic. You're so attractive that I was saying yuck. Yes, yes. I had that with Fatty. I only called not Fatty. I wouldn't go up Ralph E. Mango. Hey, what's shaking Fatty? I do it to thin people and Ari was like, what the fuck's that? I'm like, you're tall, six string bean, six two Jew face. Right. But he was like, oh, they were calling me fat. I'm like, no, you're not fat. Yeah, tucked tone is tough. Tone. Well, I've had this

before too. I've been doing this bit since 1985. I've had this a few times Where I've been doing since high school where someone leaves that you're friendly with you love them You're like, all right. Nice to see you. All right. Give me a call and then we'll get together Monday And then Tuesday we're going to Florida together. Yeah, and then they leave the room you go What a fucking piece of shit I've had that so they can hear it. No, no you say it to this person. Oh, I see. Clearly saying like, we're obviously friend. That's the joke. Right. But I've had it with that person pops back in and then you're like, what a fucking piece of shit. And they're like, what? And I'm like, Oh, no, that's

the joke. Oh, that's terrifying. I've had that happen twice. Twice. Yes. And they're like, piece of shit. And I'm like, no, no, it's a bit. And then they don't believe that it's a bit. Of course. No, this is a bit of doing my whole life. Oh, I got to hear who that was later. It's happened a couple of times and I'd almost have it a mothership where I was like, fuck you, fucking piece of shit. And then they leave and you're like, they come back, but you're like, I don't think they heard that. Oh my Lord. But you know, yeah, yeah, there's a lot of that where you're like, no, I was joking.

It was all meant to just in the whole point of the joke is that you're not that thing, but That's hard for people to grasp exactly so Anyways, we gotta wrap it up. Oh, yeah That takes us a while to wrap up. We'd like a slow rap. What what what what do you got on the books? My god, I got so much. I never remember what to say. Let me look at my book.

Look at the book, I'll fill. I got all ball pipes. I added another show in Boston. Hey, what are you in Boston? Like June or something, it's gonna be a ways. I'm at the Connecticut, New Haven, College Street, Music Hall, one of those places coming to LA.

We might be working on something in LA. I don't wanna throw it out there. Maybe. See what you're saying? Cut it. I'm gonna make a different, I'm changing my trip. All right, all right. I'm on a Pia, I'm doing the Dr. Phil thing in LA

with Adam Ray. We'll be right back. And let's see, going to the Paramount in Austin. That might have already happened. I'm going off memory here. Fort Myers, Florida. Phoenix, Tucson. Ugh.

Tacoma, Seattle, Moore Theater. But love the more. That's a more a and El Paso and migrants, Tennessee, Chattanooga and Memphis,nd, of course, Regent Theater, Los Angeles, La La Land. That one's gotta be rough. Cookeville. Cookeville. It's not gonna be pretty. May 4th, that Saturday, will be the premiere of this new short film. Here's the screenplay. Come see it, Sam. Gleed shame, folks. Cover the bottom half of the screenplay. Come see it. Gleed. Folks, but cover the bottom half of the screen where 3D glasses. It's not going to be pretty. But yeah, that'll be Sam Rubinoff's film. I

might have a film in there myself. May 4th, May the 4th be with you. Suck my ass. Philly as well. Gramercy Theater tomorrow. Mark and I will be there. Good night. Srawley March 14th through the 16th Pittsburgh, improve March 28th through the 30th. Ball. No, you can't come to that. It's a private gig. Ball Burlington, Vermont, April 12th, April 14th is the Holbrook firefighter. That's fun. That's going to be a fun group of people. You got that right. Come out to that legendary show at this point. Buffalo Helium April 25th of the 27th Indianapolis helium May 9th of the 11th St. Louis funny bone. I've been there in years

May 16th through the 18th and a wise guy Salt Lake City June 7th and eighth and a whole bunch of fun stuff. Check out my mental jack. We had Sam Harrison, which is crazy dream guest biggest guest ever. He was fun. We referenced Tuesdays for stories, which was funny. So check that out. My mental jacket subscribe doing some fun stuff on there. Colin Quinn's been on and Sam Harris was on. Wow. Come on, folks. Check it out. And, uh, chuckles. Where you at, dog? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable with Ray Harrington and Brad Roar. It's funbearablepod.com.

I don't know what's coming out this week, but we just did a live show at this point with Doug Key and our buddy James Firth. And we'll be releasing videos from the live show. It's going to be really fun. I think we're going to do like, we're going to get someone from the audience and do like a live dating game. Like, yeah, yeah, like real with stuff that we wrote each other, that we have to force each other to say on stage.

Oh, that's fun. And Doug's going to be the host. So that's going to come out on the Fun Bearable YouTube page. Doug's a good host. He's a host. He's good. And then, of course, don't forget the Patreon. We're doing crazy things over there.

We did the road to Grove 34. Yes. We've got four episodes out of that. We're doing stuff on stage. We're doing stuff with the diner. We're walking over. And we do a 30 minute bonus every week right here. We did Q&A last week, Q&A'nall, and sometimes we're

just riffing plus the video, plus all the live apps. There's a ton of shit on there. You got that right. Best Patreon, most wacky shit. We got videos, we got extra pods, we got all kinds of live apps, so yeah. Versatile variety. Vagina. Thank you folks, see you in hell. ["Sing-A-Live"]